Week 30 - The Grambler's Kick Cancer's Big Fat Backside Quiz of the Year

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

The first thing I want to mention is this year’s Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Big Fat Backside Quiz of the Year which took place on Saturday the 25^th of February.  It was the fourth time this annual quiz has been held in Stewart's (the founder of this wonderful blog) memory.  Thanks to the generosity of everyone concerned, there is another £2000 heading for the Bobby Moore Fund. A great total and everyone enjoyed a fun night.

You are welcome to add to the total if you wish. Just click on the justgiving link above and donate away.

 

 

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Now for this week’s (g)ramble...

For years we have been told that we should be eating five 80 gramme portions of fruit or vegetables per day. This was the advice given in the UK, but it varies from country to country. However, in a survey (conducted some years ago, admittedly) of 19 European countries, Britain fared rather poorly compared with some. Only 5 of the 19 ate an average of more than 400 grammes per day. Britain was 15^th on the list with an average consumption of only 258 grammes per day.

Anyway, new research suggests that we should be eating 10 portions of fruit and veg per day. What? Double the figure we’re meant to, but don’t, eat? Yes. Instead of not eating 400 grammes of fruit and veg a day, we’ll be not eating 800 grammes per day. What the 10 a day advisers are trying to get across is that we should vary what we eat. So instead of five different foods, they are suggesting we eat ten different things.

‘I’ve got four kids. How am I going to afford to give them ten portions of fruit and veg in a day?’

Sorry pardon excuse me? These were the words of a mum-in-the-street in answer to being asked what she thought of this new research advising us to eat at least ten portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

It is typical of modern society that our first reaction to some new advice is to complain. If the woman had actually thought it through, she would realise that it might actually be cheaper to feed her kids a healthy diet with more fruit and veg. How so, I hear you ask. Meat is considerably dearer than fruit and veg. Cut down on the meat and add another couple of vegetables at mealtimes. I wonder if she feeds her kids breakfast cereal? There is little goodness is these processed packets of dried flakes; why not take the time to give them (considerably cheaper) porridge for breakfast? Add some blueberries and raisins and you’ve already added three of your ten a day to your daily menu. Washed down with a glass of fresh juice or smoothie and you are well on the way to reaching that healthy target before the day has really started. What do you put in their schoolbags for lunch, missus? A sandwich? Some crisps? A biscuit? A can of fizzy juice? Change things a bit. Make sure the bread is brown for starters. Swap the crisps and for some nuts and swap the biscuit for an apple or a banana. Do away with the fizzy juice and simply give them a bottle of tapwater; there may be no nutritional value, but it is healthier than the fizzy stuff and costs nothing, thereby saving money for you to spend on fruit and veg. For goodness’ sake woman, think before you speak!

She is also not considering her children’s future. The point was made that different foods provide different benefits. The researchers who came up with the figures also tell us that by eating a more fruit and veg based diet we will reduce the risk of heart disease, strokes, cardiovascular disease and, of course, cancers. And there won’t be so much obesity; they forgot to mention that benefit.

Another thing they did not pinpoint was bowel cancer. The more fruit and vegetables you eat, can only be of benefit regarding colorectal problems. Another survey was conducted on a TV programme some time ago which compared the diet of wealthy countries with that of poorer nations. The richer nations used a lot of ‘processed’ foods, whereas the poorer ones used fresh food. Why do I mention this? I can’t remember how the programme researchers measured the results of a food comparison experiment, and I wouldn’t want to dwell on it, but bowel movement was compared. It transpired that people in the so-called wealthy nations retained food in their systems for much longer than those in the poorer countries. Folk from the rich countries did not pass what they had eaten for between one and two days; those from the poorer countries could shift their waste within an hour. Need I say that bowel cancer was far less common in the poorer nations?

What is the expression people use? Oh yes... it isn’t rocket science. Where is the lowest incidence of bowel cancers? The Indian sub-continent. And we all know what they love to eat: curry. Lots of it. We also know that it doesn’t spend much time in the system.

To me, the answer is simple. Follow the Indian method of taking lots of fresh vegetables, fruit, nuts, spices and herbs and mix them into a wonderfully tasty sauce and enjoy with rice. What could be healthier?

Okay, what about those folk who don’t like eating ‘that foreign muck’, as a friend of mine would have it? Soup. You can put any amount of different vegetables into a homemade soup. Lentil soup, a favourite of mine, is usually made with the said pulse and carrots, but there are no rules. Onions? Sure; as they say in Dundee ‘fling an ingin in’. Potatoes? Well, oddly enough, they don’t count. Celery? No problem. Peas? Turnip? Parsnips? Cauliflower? Honestly, soup can have whatever you want in it. And a good soup can work its way through the system as quickly as a curry.

This may seem like it is turning into a cookery article, but I am simply trying to make the point that it is easy to make healthy food. Soup is one of the easiest foods to prepare, yet people still buy tinned or packet varieties because they ‘haven’t got the time’ to make a pot of soup. Nonsense. The same goes for porridge. People won’t spare the time to make a healthy breakfast. Do you people want to stay fit? Do you want to improve your chances of not getting the diseases mentioned earlier? The Grambler’s advice? Make and enjoy plenty of porridge, soup and curry.

Mind you, any money saved might end up buying a few extra rolls of Andrex.

 

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Following on from this, please take the time to read a recent article from Cancer Research UK.  Click on... 

http://scienceblog.cancerresearchuk.org/2017/02/22/a-one-off-bowel-scope-helps-prevent-bowel-cancer-but-its-taking-time-to-reach-everyone-eligible/?utm_source=gplus_cruk&utm_medium=cruksocialmedia&utm_campaign=owngplus_post

Let us hope that the use of this form of bowel cancer detection becomes widespread sooner rather than later.

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Last week’s big footy story was the sacking of Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri. This week’s news sees yet another sacking: Mark McGhee. Who, I hear you ask. Motherwell manager Mark McGhee has been given the boot. A lack of form in recent weeks [Months? - Ed.] has been cited as the reason for his departure. The manager of any team shipping 17 goals in just four matches would probably get the chop. But is McGhee just a scapegoat? Well, possibly; but it is his team selection, so he is deemed responsible. Motherwell have won just six games this season and only one of those since the turn of the year.

My own view is that the Well’s biggest problem is a shocking defence. The only times this season that the goalkeeper has kept clean sheets were two nil nil draws, which suggests a lack of attacking skill, as well, I suppose. Saturday’s 5-1 defeat at home was the final straw for many.

I wasn’t the only one who left Fir Park after 45 minutes having watched the last action of the first half being our goalie retrieving the ball from the back of the net for the fifth time.

Hopefully, a management change will affect the Motherwell team the same way as Leicester who won their first game of the year following Ranieri’s departure.

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 4^th of March? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Channing Pollock 1880 (Wrote stageplays for the Ziegfield Follies productions.), John Garfield 1913 (Once a top American actor. He was called before the US Congressional House Committee of Un-American Activities. He denied affiliation to the Communist party and refused to ‘name names’. His career came to an abrupt halt and he died soon after of a heart attack probably triggered by the stress caused by the HUAC decision. He was 39.), Ward Kimball 1914 (Animator for Disney. Jiminy Cricket was his creation.), Joan Greenwood 1921 (Ectress. Sibella in Kind Hearts and Coronets.), Patrick Moore 1923 (Eccentric xylophone-playing astronomer.), Alan Sillitoe 1928 (Orfer. Wrote Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. [That was a short working week. - Ed.]), Bernard Haitink 1929 (Dutch violinist and conductor [But what do others think? Geddit? - Ed.]), Jim Clark 1936 (One of the greatest racey car blokes ever.), Paula Prentiss 1938 (American actress. Often worked with actor husband - of 55 years - Richard Benjamin.), Harvey Postlethwaite 1944 (Racey car chassis designer. Worked for March, Hesketh, Wolf, Fittipaldi, Ferrari, Tyrrell, Sauber and Honda. A bit of info for Formula 1 fans out there in Gramblerland.), Bobby Womack 1944 (Singer, songwriter and musician. Ready for the first link of the week?  He wrote this.  That was the Rolling Stones’ first number one. At the time, Mick Jagger’s dance moves were considered quite shocking; now they just look ludicrous.), Bob Lewis 1947 (Musician with Devo. So for our second link of the week, let’s stick with a Rolling Stones' theme.  Hope that wasn’t too disturbing for you.), Chris Squire 1948 (Yes bassist. Time for another link... A bit of good old prog rock.), Kenny Dalglish 1951 (Mibbes aye. Mibbes naw.), Emilio Estefan 1953 (Musician, producer and member of Miami Sound Machine. Another link? Aye, go on then. Here is wife Gloria in MSM’s first international hit, Dr Beat.  That is possibly the worst promo video ever.), Andrew Collins 1965 (Broadcaster. The man who invented secret dancing.), Evan Dando 1967 (A Lemonhead.), Tim Vine 1967 (The joke meister.), Patsy Kensit 1968 (Actress, it says here. First appeared on TV aged 4 in an ad for frozen peas.), Johannes ‘Jos’ Verstappen 1972 (Dutch racey car bloke.), Alison Wheeler 1972 (Singer with the Beautiful South. [What? No link? - Ed.] No, because she wasn’t the singer during the band’s golden era; she was only with them during the period before they split due to ‘musical similarities’.) and John Lawler aka Jon Fratelli 1979 (Go on... have a guess what band he is in.).

 

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? We won. Yay! Yes, indeed, yay. We actually got £3.55 back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Charlton vs Bury - Prediction Home win

Result - Charlton 0 Bury 1

Boo!

Charlton thought they had grabbed a seventh-minute lead, only for Patrick Bauer to see his strike cancelled out for a foul on Leon Barnett.

Stephy Mavididi flashed a low drive just wide as the hosts continued to press, but it was Bury who broke the deadlock in the 21st minute after Charlton failed three times to clear their lines before Ryan Lowe converted from 10 yards.

Lee ‘Kim’ Novak came agonisingly close to restoring parity with a header which cannoned back off the crossbar and the striker was denied again moments later by the quick-thinking of Joe Murphy.

Barnett cleared the danger from Mavididi's deflected shot, while Charlton keeper Declan Rudd had to be alert to push behind Hallam Hope's volley at the other end.

An unmarked Novak really should have done much better with his header after getting on the end of an inviting Ricky Holmes cross as Charlton continued to push for an equaliser.

Bury were a threat going forward as well though, and Greg Leigh produced a decent save from Rudd before Jacob Mellis blazed over from the rebound.

Tony Watt's 87th-minute curler tested Murphy but Charlton could not find an equaliser and Bury almost added a second deep into stoppage time when George Miller's shot was somehow kept out by Rudd.

 

MK Dons vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win

Result - MK Dons 2 Shrewsbury 1

Yay!

MK's took an early lead as Darren Potter's clever through-ball found George Baldock in acres of space alongside the Shrewsbury box, before the full-back's accurate cross reached Kieran Agard unmarked in the six-yard box to tap home his 12th goal of the campaign.

The hosts added a second when Harvey Barnes was found unmarked inside the visitors' box after a clever corner-kick routine, before the youngster's cross through a crowded box found Paul Downing at the far post to finish.

The visitors huffed and puffed as Jack Grimmer forced MK keeper David Martin into a decent save, before Stephen ‘I’m free’ Humphrys snatched a late consolation goal from close range.

 

Sheffield Utd vs Bolton - Prediction Home win

Result - Sheffield Utd 2 Bolton 0

Yay!

The home side created more chances in the game and skipper David Wheater was called into action early on when he headed Jake Wright's volley off the line.

Shortly after, though, his defensive partner Mark Beevers let John Fleck's through ball to Billy Sharp go under his foot and the striker slotted past goalkeeper Mark Howard.

Second-half substitute Samir Carruthers combined well down the right-hand side with Kieron Freeman to break into the area, before Beevers brought down Carruthers in the area as he turned inside and Sharp slotted home the penalty.

 

Colchester vs Hartlepool - Prediction Home win

Result - Colchester 2 Hartlepool 1

Yay!

Pools goalkeeper Joe Fryer made an 11th-minute save to deny Brennan Dickenson, who also fired straight at Fryer midway through the first half.

Chris Porter had an effort disallowed for offside and Sean Murray's deflected effort whistled just over for Colchester. George Elokobi also came close to scoring for the U’s at the far post before half-time.

Pools striker Padraig Amond steered Brad Walker's curled ball into the area over the bar from close range early in the second half.

But Colchester went ahead just after the hour mark when Kurtis Guthrie headed home Richard Brindley's cross at the near post after a fine attacking move.

Porter doubled Colchester's lead from the penalty spot with 12 minutes remaining after Guthrie had been fouled by Liam Donnelly in the area.

Pools halved the deficit four minutes later through Nathan Thomas, who burst into the area and planted a low shot past Colchester goalkeeper Sam Walker.

 

Mansfield vs Newport County - Prediction Home win

Result - Mansfield 2 Newport 1

Yay!

Ryan Bird scored from close range to give County an early lead but Krystian Pearce levelled.

County's Jaanai Gordon was sent off for a second yellow card before Shaquile Coulthirst's penalty put Mansfield ahead after Craig Reid handled.

Not a bad week for The Grambler, but he/she/it repeat or even better the feat this week? [Don’t talk so daft! - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Derby vs Barnsley -Prediction Home win - 3/4

Fulham vs Preston -Prediction Home win - 4/5

Bradford vs Peterborough -Prediction Home win - 17/20

Swindon vs Chesterfield -Prediction Home win - 3/4

Crawley vs Doncaster -Prediction Away win - 3/4

 

All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 4^th of March. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£9.89

33 pees more than the amount we didn’t win last week.

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I gave you a question on the European Cup/Champions league; I asked which German has been the highest goalscorer in four separate years. The answer was Gerd Muller for Bayern Munich in seasons 1972-3, 1973-4, 1974-5 and 1975-6. He was nicknamed ‘The Bomber’ for his scoring abilities and the unflattering ‘Short, fat Muller’ for his stature [Low fat Muller, surely. - Ed.].

One for this week? Let us return to the English Premiershit for this week’s question. Who is the only Scot to have scored a Premiershit hat-trick against Chelsea? It was a ‘perfect’ hat-trick, too; left foot, right foot and header.

 

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As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

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And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr T. Vine who provides us with a few funnies to end this week’s edition. He’s not everybody’s cup of tea. Some dislike his scatter-gun approach. Yes, there are a few good gags in there, but many of them are pretty lame. However, he has his fans so, take it away, Tim. .

Happy grambling.

 

Week 29 - The Grambler on Signor Ranieri yet again

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I saw an advert on tv the other day. It was a bed company telling us that they recommend that people should change their mattress every eight years. Well, they would say that, wouldn't they? Yet, the first bed I remember buying had a guarantee of ten years. What conclusion is to be drawn here? Are new mattresses inferior in quality to those of 30 odd years ago? Or are bed companies just trying to force us into buying their wares when we don't really need to?

Here's a question. How do you pronounce the word mattress? Is it MATTress, or is it mattRESS? I have always put the emphasis on the first part of the word, but I've heard a few people emphasising the second part. Surely that's not right. Am I just being pedantic? Pronounced pedANtic not PEDantic.

Anyway, about five years ago Mrs G and I decided we needed a new bed. Given that we spend a good third of our existence in a bed, we thought we should buy one of reasonable quality. We spent quite a large sum on our new bed. I won't tell you what we spent, but I will tell you that whoever we told at the time gave the same reaction... You spent how much??? On a bed??? You must be off your rockers!

Suffice to say, it was expensive. Very. At that time, the most popular type of mattress had a 'topper' of 'memory foam'. This is the type our pricy new bed had. The idea is sound; the mattress would conform to your body shape. Thus, it would be ideally suited to your shape and your shape alone. With me so far? Unfortunately, memory foam is easy to confuse. Yes, it shapes itself around you, which is fine if you lie in the exact same position every time you go to bed. But who can do that? Most people turn quite a bit during the night. Thus the shape that the memory foam assumes is a dirty great hollow. Not too good for me with chronic back pain which means, every time I get into said bed with the valley in it, I get sciatica down my legs which, no matter what position I am in, stops me sleeping. Oooh. I’m a martyr to sciatica, me. Every night it’s the same. Well, not exactly the same. It shifts about a bit. One night left leg. Another, it’s the right leg. Then there are nights when it starts in my left leg and moves to my right. Or the other way about. It’s not fussy. Other times I get it in both legs. Wahey! Double the agony... but I don’t like to mention it.

Any road up, after only five years Mrs G and I are looking at buying another new bed. Guess what. The shop we went to doesn't sell beds with memory foam toppers any more. I wonder why not.

All this (g)rambling about mattresses reminds me of my favorite mattress related joke. Come to think of it, it is the only mattress related joke I know.
Come back in time with me if you will to the nineteen sixties. It was a time when mattress design changed. Flock mattresses (simply a large bag of stuffing, in the shape of a mattress, that had to be turned every day) were really old-fashioned; posture-sprung beds were the future...
A fellow was carrying an old flock mattress to the dump when he met a friend.
'Where are you going with that?' enquires the friend.
'I'm taking it to the dump. We've got one of them new posture-sprung mattresses so I'm chucking this old thing out.'
A few days later, the friend sees him again. This time, he is carrying the flock mattress as if heading home.
'What are you doing?'
'I'm taking this flock mattress back home.'
'I thought you'd got one of them new posture-sprung mattresses.'
'We did. But we sent it back. It was too fast for me and the missus.'
Boom and, as it were, tish!

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The biggest football story of the week has to be the sacking of Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri. How fickle the world of football is. This time last year, he was hailed as the greatest manager in the world. He had brought a team up from the second tier and within two seasons they won the Premiershit title under his guidance. Now, just nine (admittedly difficult) months later, he’s been given his jotters. There are just 13 games left to play in the league this season and Leicester currently sit just one point above the relegation zone; now is not the time to bring in a new manager. The Grambler’s view? Big, big mistake.

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 25^th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Thomas Newcomen 1664 (Ironmonger who built the first practical steam engine.), Auguste Renoir 1841 (French impressionist. Probably did people like Sarah Bernhardt... Well, Tommy Cooper and Frank Spencer weren’t around in those days.), Enrico Caruso 1873 (Top tenor of his day. Between 1900 and his death in 1921 he made more than 260 recordings. Here is your first link of the week: your actual Caruso.  These are the earliest known recordings and the quality isn’t bad considering they were made in 1900-01.), Tom Crean 1877 (Who? He was an Antarctic explorer who served on Robert Scott’s ships Discovery and Terra Nova and also on Ernest Shackleton’s Endurance.), Myra Hess 1890 (Tickler of the ivories.), Meher Baba 1894 (Indian spiritual master. Took a vow of silence in 1925 which lasted until his death in 1969.), Herbert Marx 1901 (Who? Known by his stage name of Zeppo, he was the fourth Marx Brother who played the straight role in the five earliest films. He left in 1933 to embark on a career as an engineer and theatrical agent. He died a multi-millionaire.), Jim Backus 1913 (The voice of Mr Magoo.), Gert Frobe 1913 (Cherman ector. Played Goldfinger. Didn’t actually say 'No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die.'  His voice was dubbed by English actor, Michael Collins.), John Arlott 1914 (Cricket commentator famous for a slow delivery but a quick wit... ‘He played a cut so late as to be positively posthumous’.), Anthony Burgess 1917 (Author. A Clockwork Orange was his most famous work.), Larry Gelbart 1928 (Creator of the TV series M.A.S.H.), Tony Brooks 1932 (Racey car bloke.), Faron Young 1932 (Singer. Only had one hit in UK.  All together now... It's four in the morning .), Tom Courtenay 1937 (Ectaw. Billy Liar. That was him.), Herb Elliott 1938 (Strine Ranny blake.), Farokh Engineer 1938 (Not an engineer but a crickety bloke.), David Puttnam 1941 (Film producer. Chariots of Fire. That was one of his.), George Harrison 1943 (The quiet one of the Fab Four. If you have been a regular reader of this blog, you are probably aware that I always thought his work within the Beatles was underrated. I was going to put a link in at this point, but it is pretty much impossible to get any Beatles’ stuff on line. Instead, here is Steve Hillage performing a George Harrison toon.  All together now... It's all too much. ), Francois Cevert 1944 (Another racey car bloke.), Neil Jordan 1950 (Oirish fillum doirector, screenwroiter, novellist and short story wroiter... in fact, a roight owld smarty boots.), Don Quarrie 1951 (Jamaican runny bloke.), Mike Peters 1959 (Welsh singer. Remember the Alarm? No, I’m not reminding you to set the alarm clock. It was a band. They had a hit. They did and all.  This one. Love those 80s hairstyles.), Lee Evans 1964 (Retired comedian. Honest. He retired in 2015. He had been one of the highest-paid comedians at his peak. I went to see him live back in the 80s before he was famous. He was the support act for Bing Hitler. Bing Hitler? Whatever happened to him, eh? [Er, you mean Craig Ferguson who hosts the Late Late Show in the US with a salary in the region of $8.5 million and is worth an estimated $30 million? Yeah, whatever happened to him? - Ed.]) and Ed Balls 1967 (Unfortunate place to have them.).

 

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? Absolute rubbish. For the second week running, not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 

Barnsley vs Brighton - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnsley 0 Brighton 2

Yay!

Brighton returned to the top of the Championship as Sam Baldock's two goals gave them victory at Barnsley in Chris Hughton's 100th league game in charge.

Striker Baldock struck a superb half-volley over Tykes goalkeeper Adam Davies early in the second half before slotting home Anthony Knockaert's pass.

 

 

Sam Baldock: ‘Who nicked me car?’

 

Burton Albion vs Norwich - Prediction Away win

Result - Burton 2 Norwich 1

Boo!

Michael Kightly's third goal in as many games earned Championship strugglers Burton a crucial victory over Norwich.

Timm Klose's error gifted Albion the lead as Lasse Vigen Christensen nicked possession and squared for fellow Fulham loanee Cauley Woodrow to tap in.

City levelled when Steven Whittaker's wild shot deflected in off Cameron Jerome for his 11th goal of the season.

But Kightly grabbed a stylish winner, flicking the ball past Russell Martin before lifting a shot over John Ruddy.

 

Port Vale vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Away win

Result - Port Vale 1 Bristol Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

After a goalless first period, the away side almost went in front three minutes into the second half when Chris Lines' charging run left him with only Leonardo Fasan to beat, but he fired just wide from a tight angle.

Vale then took the lead on 54 minutes when ‘Whispering’ Bob Harris attempted to clear Kiko's low cross, but he only succeeded in slicing the ball past his own keeper.

But Rovers were level on 78 minutes when Billy Bodin worked himself some space on the edge of the Vale box before firing an unstoppable shot past Fasan into the top left corner.

Vale almost snatched a 90th-minute winner when Callum Guy latched onto a through ball, but he could not lift the ball over Joe ‘Ann’ Lumley.

 

Barnet vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnet 1 Portsmouth 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Portsmouth had Conor ‘Charlie’ Chaplin's late strike to thank for earning a draw away against Barnet.

Both sides looked out of sorts as passes repeatedly went astray in the opening exchanges.

Pompey eventually had the first effort on goal, Eoin ‘Mrs’ Doyle heading wide from eight yards, while Curtis Weston met Mauro Vilhete's cross just after the half-hour mark to force David Forde into a sharp save at the other end.

Portsmouth boss Paul Cook brought on Chaplin and ‘Broadway’ Danny Rose at the break but the Bees almost went ahead after an hour as Ruben Bover's free-kick clipped the side-netting.

The Spaniard had gone off when Barnet won another set-piece in a similar position but Vilhete deputised brilliantly, bending the ball over the wall to give the Bees an 82nd-minute lead.

However, the home side could not hang on as Chaplin fired a dramatic equaliser into the top corner from 20 yards in the 89th minute.

 

 

Hartlepool vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Hartlepool 1 Plymouth 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Matty Kennedy's stunning strike rescued a point for promotion-chasing Plymouth at Hartlepool.

Kennedy curled the ball home from outside the area with 14 minutes remaining to cancel out Rhys Oates' strike as second-placed Argyle, three points off leaders Doncaster going into the game, took a share of the spoils.

Plymouth began like a side pushing for the title, with Ryan Taylor and Jake Jervis testing young goalkeeper Joe Fryer in the opening exchanges.

Yet Pools grew into the game and took the lead midway through the opening period, Oates powering the ball into an empty net after Luke McCormick had denied Nathan Thomas.

The hosts controlled proceedings thereafter, with Plymouth growing increasingly frustrated.

Kennedy was Argyle's biggest threat, jinking his way past Kenton Richardson and firing over as the game entered the last 15 minutes.

But he made no mistake moments later as he cut inside from the left and curled a stunning 20-yard effort past Fryer.

 

Ho hum. Never mind. Three of those results could easily have gone our way [But they didn’t. - Ed.]. Shall we have a look at what The Grambler has come up with this week? [Must we? - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Charlton vs Bury - Prediction Home win - 10/11

MK Dons vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Sheffield Utd vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Colchester vs Hartlepool - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Mansfield vs Newport County - Prediction Home win - 3/4

 

All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 11^th of February. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£9.50

Not such a whopping amount to (not) win this week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which goalkeeper has kept the most Premier League clean sheets. The answer is Petr Cech who in 392 Premiershit appearances has kept 186 clean sheets. Not only that, of the 14 goalkeepers who have had over 100 shutouts, he has the best average of 48 per cent. The next best average was Pepe Reina who in 285 appearances for Liverpool kept 134 clean sheets or 46 per cent.

One for this week? How about a question on the European Cup/Champions league? It is regarding highest goalscorers in the competitions. Which German has been the highest goalscorer in four separate years? A nice easy one there.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr H. (or should that be Z?) Marx. I wanted to end with an amusing moment from one of the Marx Brothers films. Especially one which featured Zeppo. Do you know what? There are very few. This six-second long clip is labelled as Zeppo's best joke. Hmm.

Happy grambling.

 

Week 28 - The Grambler with a hint of Paco Rabanne

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I may have mentioned in passing that Mrs G and I occasionally buy a newspaper which has a title like the Daily Fail. We only buy it on a Saturday. For the TV guide, you understand. I occasionally glance through this glorified holiday brochure that is laughingly called a newspaper. It is full of the most hate-fuelled bile that I have ever had the misfortune to read. An article on a popular actress, say, might have the headline ‘She was a talented actress with a successful career and a loving husband’ then in goes the knife... ‘So why did she throw it all away for a drug-fuelled hedonistic lifestyle with a dropout student half her age’. Truth is, she probably didn’t; it is just a typical Daily Pail attention grabbing headline.

One headline recently did make me take notice. You know I like a game of Scrabble... You didn’t? Well, I do. When I saw the headline ‘Why Scrabble is a real S-P-O-R-T’ I had to read the article. It seems that the Scrabble world champion wants it to be classified as a sport. [It isn’t April the first yet, is it? - Ed.]. He claims that he had to do a lot of physical training prior to taking his world title. [Pull the other one. - Ed.] He reckons he followed a high protein diet and this coupled with long spells on a running machine gave him an edge over other competitors. [It isn’t that long til April, I suppose. - Ed.]

Apparently an ‘organisation’ called the Mindsports Academy wants Scrabble to be classed as a sport. It also wants chess to be given the same treatment.

How can playing a board game be classed as a sport? It isn’t a sport; it is a pastime.

Ah, you may counter, isn’t that how all sports emerged? Surely, all sports began as just a bit of playful fun; a game. Indeed they did and don’t call me Shirley. But sport isn’t about mental ability, although that is necessary, it is far more about physical skill. I can’t think of any recognised sport that relies solely on mental capacity.

So, what other ‘games’ might be reclassified as sports? Draughts? Dominoes? Ludo? Snakes and ladders? Mon-fn-opoly? What about Kerplunk? Is it any dafter a suggestion?

If the Mindsports Academy feels so strongly about this, may I suggest they follow the route taken by disabled athletes and begin their own olympic games? They could give it a silly combination word like they did with paralympics. Mentalympics? Boredolympics? Sorry, meant boardolympics.

Incidentally, in the past there have been some really daft ‘sports’ at the olympics. Over the years, demonstration sports have included angling, cannon-shooting, firefighting, kite-flying, motorsport and pigeon racing. Between 1912 and 1948 there was even an art competition. Honestly. Painting. How can that ever be classed as a sport?

Also, how can boxing be called a sport? Two numpties knocking lumps out of each other is not sport; it’s assault. If they tried it anywhere else they would get arrested. How many boxers end up brain-damaged thanks to injuries sustained in the ring? Ban it, I say.

Then there is synchronised swimming. Why is that considered a sport? Yes, it is very clever being able to float and sink in time to music, but it’s not sport; it’s an Esther Williams musical.

I am sure I could come up with better ideas for sports. Bubbles. Sorry pardon excuse me? Bubbles. Who can blow the biggest bubble. Indeed, there are two ‘sports’ there... Soap and bubble gum. Hoovering. There’s another one. Who can clean up a given amount of dust using identical vacuum cleaners. Wallpaper hanging. Sending text messages. Throwing a dirty paper hanky into a wastepaper bin. Loads of things could be done competetively in the name of sport.

Hmm... Maybe making Scrabble a sport isn’t so silly a notion, after all.

 

Scrabble champion Brett Smitheram

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 18^th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Mary I of England 1516 (The one the drink is named after.), Alessandro Volta 1745 (Inventor of the battery and discoverer of methane. Not quite sure how he discovered methane, but I could make a guess. I wonder if he set fire to them.), Ernst Mach 1838 (Physicist. Him they named the speed after.), Adolphe Menjou 1890 (Murcan actor. Had a film career lasting from 1914 to 1960. One of the few stars to make a seamless transition from silents to talkies.), Hans Asperger 1906 (Paediatrician. He identified the ‘autistic spectrum’. Had a syndrome named after him.), Phyllis Calvert 1915 (Jobbing ectress. Had a film career lasting from 1927 to 1997. Ha! Take that, Menjou!), Jack Palance 1919 (The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived.), Alan Melvin 1923 (Murcan actor and voice man. Played Corporal Henshaw in the Phil Silvers Show and voiced Magilla Gorilla and Banana Split Drooper.), George Kennedy 1925 (Another Murcan actor. He was also in the Phil Silvers Show.), Len Deighton 1929 (Orfer. Created the Harry Palmer character played in the films by Michael Caine. Not a lot of people know that.), Milos Forman 1932 (Czech film director, screenwriter, actor and professor. In fact, a right old smarty boots.), Yoko Ono 1933 (‘If her singing voice was a fight, they’d stop it in the first round.’), Bobby Robson 1933 (Revered foo’y manager.), Mary Ure 1933 (Ectress. Went to school with Wendy Craig, you know.), Francisco Rabaneda Cuervo 1934 (Who? More commonly known by his pseudonym Paco Rabane.), Graham Garden 1943 (A Goodie. Also plays Hamish in You’ll Have Had Your Tea, which was a spinoff programme from two characters Garden and Barry Cryer came up with on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue when they were playing ‘sound charades’. Here’s a wee link. Quite apt this week.), Michael Buerk 1946 (Rhyming slang.), Sinead Cusack 1948 (Ectress. Sister of Niamh, Sorcha and Padraig. I wonder where they come from.), John Hughes 1950 (Film director responsible for some of the nineteen-eighties’ most popular comedy films.), Cybill Shepherd 1950 (Murcan actress. Trivia: she wanted Harley Venton to co-star in Moonlighting. His loss was our... loss as well, because we got saddled with Bruce Willis.), John Travolta 1954 (Murcan actor. Big fan of James Cagney.), Greta Scatcchi 1960 (Ectress. Trivia: fluent in English, Italian, French and German.), Rob Andrew 1963 (Ruggery bloke [You’re not a very good ventriloquist... oh, I see... ruggery... as in rugby. He’s not rubbery, then. - Ed.], Matt Dillon 1964 (Murcan actor. Never appeared in Gunsmoke.), Andre Young 1965 (Who? Better known as rapper and record producer Dr Dre.), Roberto Baggio 1967 (Italian footy bloke. Don’t mention that penalty.), Colin Jackson 1967 (Welsh runny jumpy bloke.), Molly Ringwald 1968 (‘I’ve been called the Women’s Auxiliary of the Brat Pack.’), Radek Cerny 1974 (Czech footy bloke.), Gary Neville 1975 (Another footy bloke. Phil’s brother.), Ivan Sproule 1981 (Oirish footy bloke.) and Jermaine Jenas 1983 (Yet another footy bloke.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? Absolute rubbish. Not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Aston Villa vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Aston Villa 0 Ipswich 1

Boo!

Emyr Huws [I wonder where he comes from. - Ed.] scored a late winning goal for Ipswich Town when he turned home David McGoldrick's cross for his first goal for Town.

Huws' effort came moments after McGoldrick had cleared a header from Villa forward Scott Hogan off the line.

Birkir Bjarnason had earlier gone even closer for Villa, hitting the bar.

 

Derby County vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby County 3 Bristol 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Darren Bent's second-half double earned Derby County an unlikely point as they came back from 3-0 down in an astonishing game against Bristol City.

Matty Taylor netted on his full debut and Tammy Abraham scored twice from close range as the Robins dominated an abject home side in the first half.

Headers from Bent and Tom Ince, though, set up a thrilling finale.

Bent's penalty, after Scott Golbourne fouled Ince, denied City a third away league win of the season.

 

Leeds vs Cardiff - Prediction Home win

Result - Leeds 0 Cardiff 2

Boo!

After Greg Halford had failed to head in Craig Noone's first-half free-kick, Sean Morrison converted a similar set-piece from Noone for the Bluebirds' opener.

Kenneth Zohore fired in a second following Aron Gunnarsson's break, to settle it.

Leeds failed to trouble keeper Allan McGregor, and had Liam Bridcutt sent off for two bookings.

 

 

Norwich vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win

Result - Norwich 5 Forest 1

Yay!

Three goals in eight first-half minutes inspired Norwich to a commanding win over Nottingham Forest at Carrow Road.

Jonny Howson's 25-yard volley put City ahead and was followed by Josh Murphy's finish from a tight angle and Wes Hoolahan's half-volley from distance.

Alex Pritchard's low drive made it 4-0 before Forest defender Eric Lichaj was sent off for two yellow cards.

Ross McCormack stroked in a consolation on his debut for the visitors before Pritchard drilled in his second.

 

Reading vs Barnsley - Prediction Home win

Result - Reading 0 Barnsley 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Marc Roberts headed just wide for the visitors in a below-par first half, and Tom Bradshaw volleyed inches over shortly after the re-start.

The Royals responded as Yann Kermogant forced a good, low save from Adam Davies and Garath McCleary went close.

But it was Barnsley who came closest to a winner as forward Marley Watkins struck the base of the post.

Oh dear. No return this week. Perhaps The Grambler can make amends and give us some better predictions this week. [Doubt it. - Ed.]

 

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Brighton - Prediction Away win - Evens

Burton Albion vs Norwich - Prediction Away win - Evens

Port Vale vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Barnet vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Hartlepool vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win - 19/20

 

 

Oh my sweet Jes... What is he/she/it playing at? All five games away wins? Jeezo! All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 11^th of February. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£13.14

Hmm. A bit too whopping for my liking.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which England player has made the most appearances in the World Cup finals competition. The answer was, of course, Peter Shilton. He made 17 appearances in three World Cups - 1982, 1996 and 1990. Quite an achievement considering he was 32 when he played in his first.

One for this week? Let’s stick with goalkeepers, shall we? Since the inception of the English Premiershit, which goalkeeper has kept the most Premier League clean sheets? Hmm... One to ask them down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr R. Robson, who was in this week’s birthday honours list. Rather than finish with a link for you to click on, we end with a few of Sir Bobby’s comments relating to football. Like so many people who talk about the beautiful game, he was prone to the occasional gaffe...

"Manchester United dropped points, Liverpool dropped points, Chelsea dropped points, Everton dropped points, so in a way we haven't lost anything at all really, although we dropped all three."

"I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final."

"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss."

"Eighteen months ago Sweden were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like."

"We can't replace Gary Speed. Where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head?"

"Gary Speed has never played better, never looked fitter, never been older."

“Alan Shearer has done very well for us, considering his age. We have introduced some movement into his game because he has got two good legs now. Last season he played with one leg.”

"People want success. It's like coffee, they want instant."

“Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that.”

“Some of the goals were good, some of the goals were sceptical.”

"He's the only man I know who could start an argument with himself" (On Craig Bellamy)

"One day, someone will end a football game scoring more than Brazil. This might be the time that they lose."

"Denis Law once kicked me at Wembley in front of the Queen in an international. I mean, no man is entitled to do that, really."

"Home advantage gives you an advantage."

"Look at those olive trees! They're 200 years old - from before the time of Christ."

"In the first half he took a corner, a poor corner, which hit the first defender, and it took him 17 minutes to get back to the halfway line." (on former Newcastle winger Laurent Robert)

"With Maradona, even Arsenal would have won the World Cup." (in 1986)

“They're two points behind us, so we're neck and neck.”

“We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.”

“Hitler didn't tell us when he was going to send over those doodlebugs, did he?” (On why he refused to name his England team before a World Cup qualifer against Sweden in 1989).

 

Happy grambling.