Saturday, 19 May 2018

Week 39 - The Grambler remembers Victoria Wood


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

There is a big event taking place this weekend. The whole country will be watching their TVs to see it happening. What is this event that enthralls the nation? Why, Motherwell playing Celtic in the Scottish Cup, of course.

I'm kidding, obviously. The main event is the FA Cup between Manchester United and Chelsea.

Oh, there's a wedding on as well is there? What's so special about that? Ah, it's a royal wedding. I see. We are all meant to get awfully excited because some ruhlly ruhlly posh bloke yah from a Ruhlly ruhlly posh family is like getting married to a games show hostess. She is honoured... imagine, she actually worked with the great Noel Tidybeard. Oh, it was the American version, so she never met Mr Edmonds.

Apparently, it will be a small wedding. Only 700 guests. That's small? By royal standards, it is small; 2000 people attended Kate and William's do. What isn't small is the cost. Thanks to the cost of security, the total outlay for us tax payers is an eye watering 32 million quids.

The keeper of the privy purse [Funny place to keep your purse. - Ed.] - yes that is a job title - reckons that the cost of having a royal family equates to 65 pees per year per person living in the UK; his thinking being that having a royal family is not expensive.

Hang on a mo. This wedding must be costing every man woman and child in this country at least 50 pees each. I think he forgot to add that the price increased if anything unusual like a wedding just happened to take place. Ditto funerals, christenings and the like.

I think the royal family should have had a wedding suited to these austere times. They could have shown that they were in tune with the wishes of us lot... the plebs. How, I hear you ask.

They could have cut the number of guests for starters. 700? Who knows that many people? Nah, cut that down. Close family and a few good friends? 100? 120? Unfortunately, that would mean they would still have to include grandparents. Sorry Harry.

And why have a fancy venue? Come on, there must be a bowling club in Windsor that they could have hired for the day. Most of these places don't even charge for the hire of the venue; they are happy with the bar sales. Cheap booze too. What’s not to like?

Meghan could have had sister-in-law Kate and mum-in-law Camilla in charge of the catering. I'm sure they would be pretty nifty at knocking up a few sandwiches. Some loaves of Mothers Pride, a few eggs, some tins of tuna and a few jars of mayonnaise are all they'd need for egg or tuna mayo sarnies. Them and a box of teatime assorted would make an adequate buffet. Auntie Anne could make the tea. How much would a box of Tetley's tea bags cost?

It is reckoned that the cake cost over 20 thousand quids. 20 thousand? For a bit of sponge cake. They’ve known about this wedding taking place for long enough; they could have been down at Sainsbury’s the day after Christmas buying up all the Christmas cake that had been reduced in price. There’s usually a long ‘best before’ date on these things. Easy enough to remove the sprigs of holly and robins and replace them with some wedding message in coloured icing. ‘Cheers Meghan and Harry’; something like that.

What about music? They don’t need a live band; Charlie could be the master of ceremonies and provide the disco... MC DJ HRH.

Total cost? A hundred quids tops. Sorted. Job done.

Hold on, I hear you say, they still need security, surely. Well, yes, if they’ve announced the wedding to the world and his brother, they are bound to need a bit of watching... and don’t call me Shirley. The simple answer? Get hitched without telling anyone. How easy is that? Security? Lock the main entrance door.

32 million? Someone's having a laugh.
 
For once, a useful royal wedding souvenir
 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 19th of May? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Nellie Melba 1861 (Rerr chanter. She was really famous in her day. She had a pudding named after her. That’s how famous she was. Has Mad Donna got a pudding named after her? No. She isn’t famous enough. Have you ever heard of a peach Mad Donna? Of course not. But you’ve heard of a peach Melba; named after Nellie Melba. See also Nellie Schnappes and Nellie Esandcream. Have a clip.  Be it ever so humble?  Ha! That’s a good one. If there is one word that Nellie had no comprehension of, it was humble. Utterly full of herself she was. Not a nice person, it would seem.), Nancy Astor 1879 (Famous for being the first female member of parliament, taking the seat of Plymouth in 1919), Mustafa Ataturk 1881 (The well-known founder of the modern Republic of Turkey.), Ho Chi Minh 1890 (The well-known president of North Vietnam.), Renee Asherson 1915 (Ectress.) , Pol Pot 1925 (The well-known dictator.), Malcolm X 1925 (The well-known human rights activist.), Colin Chapman 1928 (Car builder.), Trevor Peacock 1931 (Ectaw. Jim Trott, that was him.), Alma Cogan 1931 (Chanter. Known as the ‘Girl with the giggle in her voice’. Have a clip. Here’s her 1955 hit Dreamboat. ), Pat Roach 1937 (Wrestler turned actor. Played Bomber in Auf Weidersehn Pet.), Herbie Flowers 1938 (Musician. Famously, played bass on this.  All together now... Holly came from Miami FLA...), James Fox 1939 (Ectaw. Related to a whole skulk of acting Foxes. Do you see what I did there?), Nancy Kwan 1939 (Actress. Known - very briefly - as the Chinese Bardot.), Mickey Newbury 1940 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip? Elvis had the bigger hit with this, but Mickey did it first.  Here's An American Trilogy.), Nora Ephron 1941 (Film maker), Robert Kilroy-Silk 1942 (Politician turned TV personality. He fronted an embarrassing quiz programme called Shafted where he used to introduce the programme like this.), Peter Mayhew 1944 (Chewbacca. He’s 7 foot, you know. Check https://www.celebheights.com/s/Peter-Mayhew-7.html for clarification.), Pete Townshend 1945 (Once a quarter, now a half, of The Oo. Another clip? Here’s Pete jumping about a lot. Yay! He did the windmill!), Andre the Giant 1947 (Wrestly bloke.), David Helfgott 1947 (Ivory tickler. He was the subject of the film Shine.), Grace Jones 1948 (Chanter. A clip? Here she is with her famous hula hoop routine.), Dusty Hill 1949 (A third of Zed Zed Top. Time for another clip? Here’s somebody with some sartorial elegance.), Jeffrey Hyman aka Joey Ramone 1951 (A Ramone. Another clip? Question: if Sheena is a punk rocker, why do they sing in the style of the early Beach Boys?), Victoria Wood 1953 (Comedian, actress, singer, songwriter, screenwriter, producer and director. In fact, a right old smarty boots), Oliver Letwin 1956 (Politician.), Martyn Ware 1956 (A bit of Heaven 17. You want yet another clip? Yeah, why not. Here’s Temptation.), Jodi Picoult 1966, Marcus Bent 1978, Diego Forlan 1979 and Sam Smith 1992 (Singer/songwriter. A clip coming your way. Here’s his biggest hit to date.).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grambo,

Thank you for the clip of The Who. What a marvellous band. They never had a number one single, you know. And only one album reached the top spot. Who would have thought it? We loved all of their albums, right from the very first one they released, although our memory isn’t what it was and we’ve both forgotten its title. Can you help?

Yours with oodles of love,

Madge Enner, Ray Shun.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won and, guess what, we turned a profit. £2.29. Woo hoo! Nine pees profit. What happened? Read on...

 

Lincoln vs Exeter - Prediction Home win

Result - Lincoln 0 Exeter 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Coventry vs Notts County - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 1 Notts County 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Motherwell vs Hamilton - Prediction Home win

Result - Motherwell 3 Hamilton 0

Yay! ’Well, ’Well, Super ’Well!

Kilmarnock vs Hearts - Prediction Home win

Result - Kilmarnock 1 Hearts 0

Yay!

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Home win

Result - Cowdenbeath 3 Cove Rangers 2

Yay!

I didn’t bother with match reports as it is the last weekend for the footy. You know what that means, don’t you? Blibbing horse racing, that’s what. Oh well. Here goes...

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Newbury - 3.00 - Masaarr - 3/1

Newbury - 4.50 - Crystal Hope - 11/10

Newmarket - 3.50 - Beyond Reason - 5/4

Newmarket - 4.25 - Desert Frost - 5/2

Newmarket - 5.00 - Hameem - 10/11

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee each way accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£41.21

 

Oh dear. That is crazy money. No chance.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that Wilfried Zaha was only the second Crystal Palace to have won the Premier League’s player of the month award and asked you who the first player was. The answer was Andy Johnson who won it way back in October 2004.

One for this week? As the season draws to a close, let’s have a question relating to the only games still to be played. What’s it to be, cup final or play-off for possible promotion to the Scottish Premiership? No contest. Play-off it is. Partick Thistle play host to Livingston in Sunday’s playoff final; this week’s question is, who was the manager of Livingston when the club won the League Cup against Hibs?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Ms V. Wood for this week’s ending. She had a wonderful way with words, so I thought a few quotes from her various shows might be appreciated. So, ladeez and genullum, enjoy the wit and wisdom of Victoria Wood.

"Honestly, who has sex on Christmas morning?"
"The Dalai Lama?"
"Well he must peel his sprouts the night before."

"Do you do sugar free muesli?"
"No. This is a canteen, not a ground sheet at Glastonbury."

I've got no sex life, I've got no frying pan, and I'm halfway through a tube of toothpaste I absolutely can't stand.

Daddy and I aren't into the drug scene, though we were the first couple in our crescent to use Hermesetas.

"Now. Call me a dashingly romantic sentimental old softheart, Vicky-"
"I haven't got time."

For a person with a full sex life, she's done a heck of a lot of tapestries.

I've had my share of gynaecological gyp. I still can't polka without wincing, but we're spunky in Cheadle, we totter on.

I never speak behind people's backs. If I've anything nasty to say, I pop it on a postcard.

She said "Kitty, do you like fun?". I said, no I don't. I had enough of that in 1957 when I got trapped in a lift with a hula hoop salesman.

"Did you go and see Macbeth?"
"Mmm. Wasn't a patch on Brigadoon."

I'm apparently something of a celebrity since I walked the Pennine Way in slingbacks in an attempt to publicise mental health.

"It's a melting pot, Stan. We're just going to toss ideas into the pot."
"It's a toss pot."

She'd come round on her way back from giving blood - and why they want it beats me, because the way she eats, it must be A Rhesus Nougat.

She was wearing a pair of bright red lycra cycling shorts. From the back it looked like two halves of Edam.

I sometimes think being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill.

Yes, I do look rather startled, don't I? It was taken in a photo booth, and someone had just poked an eclair through the curtains.

Anyway, we reached a compromise. I got what I wanted, and they didn't.

Pelvic muscles. Very important muscles. They won't help you with giving birth but they might stop you pissing yourself at Christmas.

I'm learning a language. It's called 'Get By In Flemish'. I'm learning it in case I ever go to Flem.

I was kissing him but all I could think of was which pocket my tic tacs were in.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 12 May 2018

Week 38 - The Grambler remembers George Carlin


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Two days. 48 hours. That's how long it's been going on and it is driving me crackers. What is, I hear you ask. An alarm, that's what. It isn't near the house; it might be more than a mile away, but it has been beeping away in the distance for two whole days and I am getting a bit cheesed off with it. It's non stop. Right through the day and right through the night. My question is this: if a not very loud constant noise is annoying me, what must those people who live nearer to it be like? Ripping their hair out by now, I should imagine.

Why? Why is an alarm still sounding after two days? And this isn't the first time it has happened. Earlier this year, it kept going for more than three days. Who uses the building that is fitted with this annoying contraption? Anybody? Whoever it is must be working a very short week if the alarm can ring out for more than three days without anybody switching the blibbing thing off.

I have another theory. In the general direction of the source of this alarm noise is a research establishment. It conducts tests on various materials, machines and sometimes even buildings. But what if some of the research being carried out is of a more sinister nature? However do you mean, I hear you say. What if there are experiments with animals taking place? Not the island of Dr Moreau sort of thing. More about subjecting animals to constant sounds. Do you see what I am alluding to? Perhaps animals are being forced to listen to this constant alarm noise and their reactions are being monitored.

Worse still, perhaps humans are being subjected to this bombardment of noise. This could be a new weapon of torture similar to water boarding.
It wouldn't be the first time sound has been used in this way. When Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega took refuge in a church in 1989, American soldiers bombarded him with rock music played at deafening volume to try and flush him out.

Three songs were played over and over. I Fought The Law by the Clash and Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses were two of them. Okay, they were perhaps quite rocky sounding, but the third song played was anything but. Too Old to Rock and Roll by Jethro Tull? Rock music? Don't think so.

I'm not sure if the music had any effect but old Noriega lasted 10 days before he surrendered... or did he just come out to ask for some different songs to be played?

 
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 12th of May? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Edward Lear 1812 (Artist, musician, author and poet. Famous for his owl and cat.), Florence Nightengale 1820 (The lady with the lamp and statistician.), Gabriel Faure 1845 (Composer. Here’s a piece you might recognise.), Wilfrid Hyde-White 1903 (Ectaw. In a film career lasting almost 50 years, he appeared in nearly 100 films.), Leslie Charteris 1907 (Orfer. The Saint, he wrote that.), Katherine Hepburn 1907 (Ectress. ‘I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.’), Tony Hancock 1924 (Comedian and rude schoolby joke.), Lawrence ‘Yogi’ Berra 1925 (Basebally bloke. Famous enough to have a cartoon character named after him.), Burt Bacharach 1928 (Songwriter. Time for another clip. Here’s his first biggie, a hit for Marty Robbins.), Beryl Burton 1937 (Bike racey bloke.), George Carlin 1937 (Comedian.), Susan Hampshire 1937 (Ectress.), Miriam Stoppard 1937 (TV doctor.), Ian Dury 1942 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip?  Here's What a waste.), Billy Swan 1942 (Another singer/songwriter. Another clip?  He can help.), Chris Patten 1944 (Politician and Tim Rice impressionist.), Alan Ball (Footy bloke.), Ian McLagen 1945 (A Small Face. Here he is on keyboard duties in a place called Itchycoo Park.), Steve Winwood 1948 (Musician. Have another clip. Here’s 17 year old Stevie on vocals and keyboard. Subtitles are provided in case you want to sing along in Finnish.), Bruce Boxleitner 1950 (Actor. Comic relief to Kenny Rodgers.), Gabriel Byrne 1950 (Ectaw. A usual suspect.), Eric Singer 1958 (Kissy drummer. Took over as Catman in 1991.  Let's rawkkk!), Emilio Estevez 1962 (Actor. The Mighty Ducks bloke. Him.), Stephen Baldwin 1966 (Actor. Another usual suspect.), Tony Hawk 1968 (Skateboardy bloke, not a comedian.), Catherine Tate 1968 (Comedian, it says here.), Mark Foster 1970 (Swimmy bloke.), Jim Furyk 1970 (Golfy bloke.), Jonah Lomu 1975 (Rugby bloke.) and Graham Dott 1977 (Snookery bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Spangle,

Thank you for the Small Faces clip. Wonderful to hear Itchycoo Park again. They had a few hits, I recall. I particulary liked the one that began - Wouldn’t it be nice to get on with my neighbours - but I can’t remember its name. Can you help?

Yours affectionately,

Les E. Sunday

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won, but without making a profit. 66 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t very good. What happened? Read on...

 

Wycombe vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Wycombe 1 Stevenage 0

Yay!

Wanderers started the game strongly with Paris Cowan-Hall dragging an effort wide on eight minutes before Jack King nearly sliced Nathan Tyson's cross into his own net six minutes later.

The pressure paid off when Matt Bloomfield fired under the keeper on 19 minutes after finding himself in plenty of space.

Cowan-Hall fired over from Michael Harriman's cut back on 25 minutes and the on-song frontman smacked an effort against the crossbar before Danny Newton cleared his follow-up off the line on 55 minutes.

King headed wide for Stevenage just after the hour before Marcus Bean shot wide from the edge of the box at the other end.

Joe Jacobson went close for the home side with a free-kick on 76 minutes and Yves Ma-Kalambay crucially saved with his feet to deny Matty Gooden an equaliser with a minute left to play.

 

Coventry vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 0 Morecambe 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

All you need to know is that Morecambe needed a draw to stay in the Football League.

Cambridge vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win

Result - Cambridge 5 Port Vale 0

A resounding YAY!

The hosts were rampant from the moment they took the lead 12 minutes before half-time when Jake Carroll's dinked pass into the box was met by David Amoo, who swivelled well to power home.

Cambridge doubled their lead only two minutes later when a close-range scramble resulted in Harrison Dunk firing into the roof of the net.

Port Vale almost reduced the deficit 10 minutes after the break as Luke Hannant flicked Michael Tonge's corner fractionally wide.

Brad Halliday scored on 68 minutes, striding forward and unleashing a stunning effort which flew across Sam Hornby and into the top corner.

Substitute Barry Corr lashed home from a George Maris corner 16 minutes from the end before Billy Waters' fine finish, as he cut into the box to complete the rout four minutes later.

 

Notts County vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Notts County 0 Luton 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Hatters looked lively early on with Olly Lee forcing Adam Collin into a save with a powerful 20-yard drive.

Jack Stacey then drilled a low shot across the face of goal.

But Notts had their moments with Jon Stead having a shot deflected behind for a corner while James Shea also saved from Jorge Grant.

The Magpies' hopes of a victory then appeared to be boosted early in the second half when Danny Hylton picked up a second yellow card for a foul on Shaun Brisley.

But that did not deter the Hatters from trying to find a breakthrough with Stacey again coming close following a fine counter attack by the visitors.

And only a fantastic last-ditch tackle from Matt Tootle denied Pelly Ruddock-Mpanzu from making the breakthrough at the expense of a corner.

Notts kept plugging away in a bid to find a winner but could not trouble goalkeeper Shea.

 

Swindon vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Away win

Result - Swindon 3 Accrington 0

BOO!

Goals from Marc Richards, Keshi Anderson and Paul Mullin ensured Swindon ended their campaign on a high.

Richards had Town in the lead in the 14th minute when he converted a Kyle Knoyle cross from close range before Anderson doubled their advantage in the 43rd minute with a superb goal. He played a neat one-two with James Dunne and steadied himself before slotting high into the back of the net.

Mullin made it 3-0 10 minutes into the second half with a low, drilled effort.

Both teams ended the game with 10 men after Swindon's Dunne and Accrington namesake Jimmy Dunne were sent off after a scuffle.

 

So it wasn’t to be last week; what about this week? Well, there aren’t many games taking place, this being the final week of matches in any of the English and Scottish senior leagues. Houston, we have a problem. There are only three games taking place this Saturday at 3.00 pm... You know, the time when football matches traditionally take place... that is, until the satellite TV companies started dangling multi-million pound carrots in front of footy club directors to play the games whenever they decreed. Don’t get me started. It does mean that games are taking place at all times over the weekend so, for once, we have to throw our (flimsy) rules out and move our little flutter to take in some of those games. Last week of football? That means we have to bet on the gee gees next week. Oh dear.

For the final time this season, The Grambler has made his/her/its footy predictions and here they are...

Game - Result - Odds

Lincoln vs Exeter - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Coventry vs Notts County - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Motherwell vs Hamilton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Kilmarnock vs Hearts - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Home win - 17/20

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.21

 

Whopping? Yeah, right.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which British league club has a name that begins with five consonants. It is, of course, Premiershit side Crystal Palace. Too easy?

One for this week? Let’s stick with Crystal Palace. Palace winger, Wilfried Zaha has just won the Premier League’s player of the month award. He is only the second Crystal Palace player to receive the award - who was the first? One to try out down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. G. Carlin who provides us with a few thoughts to end this week’s edition. George Carlin was an American comedian who took a pop at many subjects, but especially the world of politics where he ruffled a lot of feathers. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy the wit and wisdom of George Carlin...

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favour of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the foetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're f**ked.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Careful, if you think too much, they'll take you away.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The God excuse: the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

Don't just teach your children to read...teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age. Then they think you are just fine, just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... these people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? They'll do anything they can to save a foetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman -- they don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state. Pro-life, you don't see many of these anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black foetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do!

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a colour, we'll wipe it out.'

I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.

and finally...

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
 
Voted the second best US stand-up
comedian ever... I'm guessing that not
many politicians voted for him
 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 5 May 2018

Week 37 - Grambleday wishes to Adele


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

A song to start?

 

Way back in the mists of time there was a doowop group called Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers. They had only one UK hit before Frankie went off to sell sweets. Remember his advertising jingle? ‘Lollipop, lollipop. Ooh lolly lolly lolly.’ Maybe not. Any road up, here’s Frankie and the Teenagers' hit...

‘Why do birds sing...’

 

‘Well... [wheeze wheeze] there are...[wheeze wheeze] various...[wheeze wheeze] reasons for this. Often...[wheeze wheeze] the males...[wheeze wheeze] are simply...[wheeze wheeze] letting it be known...[wheeze wheeze] that this...[wheeze wheeze] is their territory. During the mating season...[wheeze wheeze] the male sings...[wheeze wheeze] louder still...[wheeze wheeze] in the hopes of attracting...[wheeze wheeze] a mate.’

 

Thank you for that explanation Sir David of Attenborough.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

I watched the TV news recently. There was an article about politicians from various countries considering taking action against Syria. [How interesting. Yawn. Ed.] Now don't worry, the grambler isn't going on a political rant. Far too serious. No, my gripe is to do with a statement that the reporter made. Without explaining what the term meant he said simply, 'They all need to get their ducks in a line.' That was it. I had never heard that line before and it annoyed me somewhat. Yes, I understood that it meant all the countries should get things organised so that they were all planning the same action, but not everyone would spot the thinking...

'It's no wonder the world's in the mess it is, what with them politicians all playing with toy ducks!'

It's nothing new, of course. How many times have you heard expressions like... 'It's a bit of a curate's egg'? Let's face it; that is a most ridiculous thing to say. Yet reporters often say it and don't go on to explain what it means.

Incidentally, that line comes from an old Punch cartoon where a curate is in a restaurant and the waiter enquires how his egg is. The curate, not wishing to cause offence, replies that it is good in places. Thus, any time the expression is used we are expected to understand that whatever is being discussed has both good and bad points to it. So now you know.

Another that crops up all the time is... 'It's a Catch 22 situation'. Again it is said without any explanation as to what it means. If you hadn’t read or heard of the book, it makes no sense whatever. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t realise what it means and use it inappropriately.

In the Joseph Heller book, Catch-22 this is the explanation as to its meaning...

‘There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he were sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to, but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.’

The term ‘a catch-22 situation’ has since become all too frequently used to describe an event where no matter which choice is made, it will be wrong. I think if an expression were required, ‘heads I win, tales you lose’ better fits.

Before 1984, how often did you hear the complaint ‘It’s like 1984’? Quite often, I would imagine. Since that date, it has probably been used less, simply because many don’t understand that the reason for citing 1984 was nothing to do with a given year, but was more about being under constant surveillance.

Of course, it is still used by those who know that they are referring not to a year but to George Orwell’s book 1984. The date in the title is immaterial; the reference is to Orwell’s vision of a police-run state where everyone is being watched at all times. Thus, news reporters (and it does tend to be news reporters) will often comment on the proliferation of CCTV cameras and describe it as being like 1984. Again, they don’t bother to explain the reason why they mention it, it is assumed that the public at large know all about George Orwell’s novels. Sometimes they ‘almost’ explain it by describing such a situation as Orwellian. It doesn’t explain anything, other than their own smug gittishness.

Here’s another factoid for you. As I stated, the date 1984 is immaterial, so why was it chosen? Yes, you at the back? That’s right, it was finished in 1948 and Orwell surmised that by transposing the last two numbers to give a date 36 years away would be far enough in the future to imagine that such a policed state might actually become a reality.

34 years on from 1984 we are still not being watched in the way Orwell imagined. Not quite. Although Farcebook is getting close.

I believe that all these terms are used by reporters simply to illustrate how smart they are. It is as if they are saying, ‘look how clever I am. I use buzz phrases. I make references to a cartoon from an 1895 edition of Punch magazine. I understand what Joseph Heller meant by Catch-22. I know what 1984 really means.’ Well, Mr reporter, remember that a large number of people watching the news are not as clever as you, so stop bl**dy showing off!

To end, come with me if you will to my O grade history exam from some time in the last century. [Is this relevant? - Ed.] Yes it is. I was quite well prepared for the exam... I mean I knew my topics and dates well-enough, not just that I had a sharpened pencil.

My subject was the Great War of 1914-18 and I knew all about the various battles that I might be questioned on. Oh dear. I was utterly thrown by the first question which was something like, ‘Explain why the Battle of Jutland proved to be a watershed in the First World War.’ I’m sorry? What has a watershed got to do with the Battle of Jutland?

As a 16 year-old, I had never heard of the term ‘watershed’. Like those expressions I have alluded to, it was assumed that I would know. I didn’t. I hadn’t got a clue what it meant. I can’t remember what I wrote other than the last part of my last sentence...

’... and that is why the Battle of Jutland proved to be a watershed in World War One.’

Let’s end with a quote from Benny Hill (although like most of his material, it wasn’t original.) ‘If you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.’

Not funny, but I think you get the point.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Before I move on, I would just like to congratulate The Grambler’s favourite footballer, Andrew Robertson, on reaching the final of the Champions League. An absolutely brilliant achievement for Andy and the rest of the Liverpool team. The Grambler wishes you the best of luck in the final... go on, give the preening Portuguese popinjay and his cohorts a doing!

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 5th of May? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Karl Marx 1818 (Did he play the piano or the harp?), John Stetson 1830 (The big hat man.), Tyrone Power 1914 (Actor,), Alice Faye 1915 (Actress.), James Gilbert 1923 (TV producer... I mean he produced TV programmes... not... actual... TVs.), Delia Derbyshire 1937 (Musician. You will know her most famous piece of work. She may not have written it, but her arrangement made it very special indeed.), Ray Gosling 1939 (Broadcaster and journalist.), Tammy Wynette 1942 (Saynger. Time for a clip? Shall we have one of her big hits? Stand by your beds? Dee ah vee oh arse ee ee? No, let’s head for Moomooland.), Michael Palin 1943 (A jolly nice bloke.), John Rhys-Davies 1944 (Ectaw, isn’t it. Laughing Spam Fritter.), Roger Rees 1944 (Ectaw, wasn’t it.), Bill Ward 1948 (Drummy Brummy. Original drummer for Black Sabbath. A clip? Here’s It's Alright.), Maggie MacNeal 1950 (The MacNeal part of Mouth and MacNeal. Another clip? Here’s their Eurovision hit I See a Star.), Richard E. Grant 1957 (Ectaw.), Peter Howitt 1957 (Actor turned director.), Ian McCulloch 1959 (A Bunnyman. Time for another clip. Here’s Echo and co’s biggest hit.), James Cracknell 1972 (Rowing bloke... By that I mean he rows a boat... he doesn’t... fall out... with people.), Craig David 1981 (Singer. Time for a clip, methinks. Here’s 7 Days.), Graham Dorrans 1987 (Footy bloke.), Adele (Adkins) 1988 (Singer/songwriter. A clip, you say? Why not. Here’s one you'll know.), Chris Brown 1989 (Singer and actor. Have another clip. Time to turn up the music.) and Raul Jimenez 1991 (Hombre de futbol.).
 
Not a Marx brother


I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Chandler,

I’d forgotten all about that Craig David bloke. He seemed to disappear very quickly after a few fruitful years. I don’t think Bo Selecta did his career any favours. Mind you, I see that he is still recording and still getting into the charts. Odd that you chose his second number one rather than his first, the name of which escapes me.

Yours affectionately,

Phil Meehan.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. I didn’t make a profit. 62 pees back from a £2.20 stake. Two pees better than last week. Big deal. What happened? Read on...

 

Newcastle vs West Brom - Prediction Home win

Result - Newcastle 0 West Bromwich Albion 1

Boo!

West Brom just needed one goal to see off Newcastle on Saturday, with Matt Phillips smashing in a 29th-minute strike after being picked out by Jake Livermore.

James McClean and Jay Rodriguez also went close for the Baggies, while their keeper Ben Foster made a sensational save to keep out Dwight Gayle's header.

The Magpies were also denied by the post after Kenedy had beaten Foster with a poked shot.

 

Southampton vs Bournemouth - Prediction Home win

Result - Southampton 2 Bournemouth 1

Yay!

DusanTadic put the home side ahead with a low finish after a swift counter-attack, only for Bournemouth forward Joshua King to fire in an equaliser seconds before half-time.

Tadic restored the advantage with a precise finish after a penetrating run, although Saints needed keeper Alex McCarthy to make a flying save from Ryan Fraser in stoppage time.

 

Aston Villa vs Derby - Prediction Home win

Result - Aston Villa 1 Derby County 1

Ooh!’It the bar!

The Rams took the lead thanks to Cameron Jerome's low, first-half finish at a lively Villa Park.

But Lewis Grabban fired in from close range in the closing stages to earn Villa a point.

 

Norwich vs Leeds - Prediction Home win

Result - Norwich 2 Leeds 1

Yay!

Kalvin Phillips opened the scoring for Leeds with a fantastic half-volley from 25 yards out.

Hoolahan, captain for the day, equalised five minutes later with a deflected shot which looped over Leeds keeper Bailey Peacock-Farrell.

Hoolahan then assisted Josh Murphy, who fired in to complete the comeback.

 

Reading vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Reading 0 Ipswich 4

WTF!

After a goalless first half Martyn Waghorn broke the deadlock with a spin and shot after being well found by Jordan Spence.

Waghorn returned the favour soon afterwards, playing in Spence, who scored with a stunning shot.

Substitute Freddie Sears tapped in the third goal before Callum Connolly completed the scoring in stoppage time.

 

Oh well, ne’er mind, eh. What has the great and powerful Grambler randomly selected for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Wycombe vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Coventry vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win - 5/4

Cambridge vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win - Evens

Notts County vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Swindon vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Away win - 5/4

 

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£14.43

 

Oh dear, a bit too whopping for my liking.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the only other Manchester City player, other than Leroy Sane, to have won the PFA young player of the year award. You had to delve back a few years to find Peter Barnes who won the title back in 1976.

The second part of the teaser was a little easier. As Mo Salah had won the PFA player of the year award, I asked who was the last Liverpool player to win the title. It was none other than the Hungry Horace of football, ear muncher, Luis Suarez back in 2014.

One for this week? Here’s a daft one. Which British league club has a name that begins with five consonants? One for fans of Countdown there.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. M. Palin who provides us with this week’s finishing link. I think if you were asked what Mr Palin’s most famous Python moment was, a few of you would cite this.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday, 26 April 2018

Week 36 - Grambleday wishes to Juan Mata


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

We haven’t started with a song recently, so let’s remedy that this week. Does anyone out there in Gramblerland remember Marlene Dietrich? She was a German actress and ‘singer’. Her singing was a bit of an acquired taste. Anyway, to start us off this week let’s have a sonk she was famous for...

‘Vhere heff oll de flowwwers gone...’

‘Sorry love. We’ve sold out. I’d try Aldi, if I were you.’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Every year I am guaranteed to get a letter from the tax office. The details are always much the same; I have underpaid the amount of tax I am meant to give them and they will adjust my tax code accordingly so that they can retrieve it over the next tax year.

I could understand them sending this letter if I were filling in my tax details incorrectly on a tax return form but, having never been self-employed, I have never had to fill in such a document. Instead, I rely on whoever pays my money to know the correct amount of tax to give from my income.

So why am I receiving what looks to be a standard yearly letter regarding my tax payments? Is somebody doing their job wrongly when they are calculating the tax I owe? Is somebody in the tax office giving incorrect information relating to my tax allowance? I would suggest, neither. I reckon that with the constant threat of redundancy hanging over civil servants, they are making as much work for themselves as possible. If I underpay tax in a given year and my tax code is changed to deal with this, why is this situation going on and on, year after year? Do you know what I reckon? I reckon, they don’t want my tax payments to be resolved because, if that were to happen, there would be less work to be done.

In a way, I am helping to keep the unemployment figures down.

Actually, when you think about it, taxation keeps an awful lot of people in work. Or rather, avoiding the payment of tax keeps an awful lot of people employed. Sorry, pardon, excuse me? Consider this. How many tax officers are employed solely to chase unpaid taxation? As we have seen with some large companies, tax evasion can cost the country millions of quids. Certain coffee shops, mobile phone companies and mail order giants have a very odd way of dealing with paying taxes. Basically, they don’t.

Beyond illegal methods of tax evasion, there are plenty of legal ways to avoid paying tax. Oh yes. Why are there so many accountants? To help people to not pay taxes, that’s why. Or at least to advise them on how to pay considerably less than they would do without the accountant’s advice on all the scams, sorry, I meant ways, to reduce tax payments.

So, good old tax evasion. It’s keeping a heck of a lot of people in a job.

It came as no surprise to me that I received a brown envelope through the letter box this week. As ever, there was the dreaded word TAX. How much do I owe them now, I wondered. Then I looked more closely. I had noticed the word tax but hadn’t really noted that the word was followed by the words ‘REFUND DOCUMENT’. My first reaction was, I wish they would make their bl**dy minds up. One minute they want more money, next they want to give it you back. My second reaction was, I wonder how much I’m getting back. Would I be paying a visit to a travel agent any time soon?

I tore open the envelope and was disappointed. This official looking piece of mail is nothing more than an attempt by an accountancy firm to get me to allow them to investigate my tax details to see if they could ‘save me money’. There is a letter telling me that I might be entitled to pay less tax if I am spending money on, for example, laundering my own uniform for work. Excuse me? That is going to cut my tax bill no end isn’t it? Can you claim back half a cup of Daz? Who are these people trying to kid?

If they can’t save you money, in the tradition of missold PPI, there is no fee, the letter points out. I should flaming well hope not. How the hell do you work out a fee based on half a cup of soap powder per week?

There is a form to fill in and a post-paid envelope to send the completed form back to this company. I propose to do what I always do when I receive unsolicited mail like this. I simply seal the empty post-paid envelope and send it back. Empty. See how they like getting rubbish through their letter box.
 
 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 28th of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Edward IV 1442 (The well-known king. Imagine calling your son Ivy!), Lionel Barrymore 1878 (Ectaw. Mr Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life; that was him.), Walter Tull 1888 (Footy bloke.), Oskar Schindler 1908 (Him that had the list.), Ferruccio Lamborghini 1916 (Tractor and car manufacturer.), Blossom Dearie 1924 (Jazz singer and pianist. Here’s your first clip of the week... I'm Hip.), Kenneth Kaunda 1924 (The well-known president of Zambia.), Harper Lee 1926 (The well-known Marx brother), Tariq Aziz 1936 (The well-known sidekick of Saddam Hussein.), Saddam Hussein 1937 (The well-known dictator.), Jean Redpath 1937 (Chanter. Here’s another wee clip.), Ann-Margret 1941 (Actress and singer, it says here. Here’s an OTT performance from Tommy.), Terry Pratchett 1948 (Orfer. Factoid: he was an honorary Brownie.), Jay Leno 1950 (Car-mad talk-show host. He owns 169 cars plus 117 motorbikes), Steve Rider 1950 (Sports presenter.), Brian Greenhoff 1953 (Footy bloke), Eddie Jobson 1955 (Musician. Have a bit of prog... Here’s Turn It Over.), Jimmy Barnes 1956 (Musician/singer. Have another clip. Here’s an oldie.  All together now... You don't what's going on...), Ian Rankin 1960 (Orfer), Jon Pall Sigmarsson 1960 (World’s strongest man. Died aged just 32 from cardiac arrest. The official line is that he had a congenital weakened heart.), John Daly 1966 (Golfy bloke), Penelope Cruz 1974 (Actress and clothes horse.), Vernon Kay 1974 (Presenter of Family Fortunes. Er... That’s it.), Lauren Laverne 1978 (Singer and presenter.), Bradley Wiggins 1980 (Bike racey bloke), Jessica Alba 1981 (Actress turned businesswoman.) and Juan Mata 1988 (Footy bloke).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Apron,

I remember that film with whats her name, Princess Ann-Margaret in it. Ooh it was an bit of an turkey that film. It was directed by that Ken Rissole bloke. I never thought much of his films. Wee men in Love; that was one of his. Two blokes fighting in the nuddy? Not my idea of entertainment. I certainly didn’t want to see their wee men, I can tell you. Put me right off chipolatas, it did.

That Tommy one was an right old mess. I remember a bit where Princess Arn was writhing about in sludgy brown stuff. It was meant to be erotical; it was. Some bint rolling about in stuff looked like... I won’t say what it looked like... serpently isn’t exotic in my book. Surely, they used something else. They must harve done. She couldn’t harve been rolling about in poo. Have you any idea what it was?

Yours affectionately,

Jock O’Latenbeens.

 

Hmm... Something strangely familiar about the style of that letter.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. I didn’t make a profit. 60 pees back from a £2.20 stake. Worse than last week. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Doncaster vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 0 Oxford 1

Boo!

It was hosts Doncaster who were the more threatening but they could not make their pressure count.

Alfie May almost produced a brilliant individual effort as he flicked the ball over Rob Dickie - only to be denied by the legs of Simon Eastwood.

The Oxford goalkeeper kept out a drive by John ‘Mary’ Marquis, while Todd Kane headed over his own bar with May lurking.

Matty Blair fired straight at Eastwood with a glorious chance from Rodney Kongolo's cross as Doncaster continued to push after the break.

Marquis turned in Ben Whiteman's low ball but the offside flag was up.

Oxford went in front on 63 minutes when James Henry met Ryan Ledson's superb cross with a fine diving header.

The visitors maintained their lead thanks to a fine save from Eastwood, who tipped over Marquis' sweeping shot following a fine counter attack.

 

Portsmouth vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 0 Charlton 1

Boo!

Nicky Ajose bagged the winner five minutes before half-time, slotting calmly past goalkeeper Luke McGee after strike partner Josh Magennis had nodded the ball into his path.

Both teams started nervously but Charlton were unlucky not to take the lead in the 21st minute.

Jake Forster-Caskey saw his long-range shot deflected wide and from the resulting corner Forster-Caskey's goal-bound effort was cleared off the line by Nathan Thompson.

Pompey were poor throughout the first half and Matt Clarke's tame header from a Gareth Evans free-kick was their only shot on target.

Charlton came close to a second goal when a Ben Reeves volley shaved the post from the edge of the penalty area after Forster-Caskey's corner had been only half cleared.

Visiting goalkeeper Ben Amos saved smartly from Pompey substitute Connor Ronan and captain Brett Pitman as the hosts pushed for a late equaliser.

 

Rochdale vs Bradford - Prediction Home win

Result - Rochdale 1 Bradford 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Matt Done fired Rochdale ahead just before the break. [That is shocking, grammatically. Oh, I see. His name is Matt Done. Sorry. Just ignore me. - Ed.]

But goalkeeper Josh Lillis dropped a routine 89th-minute cross to present Charlie Wyke with the simplest of finishes.

The home side's deserved breakthrough came a minute before the break. Tenacious work from Calvin Andrew and a deep cross from left to right by Joe Thompson saw Brad Inman nod the ball into Done's path.

He took a touch before rifling a superb finish across Colin Doyle and into the far corner of the net.

After the break, Wyke volleyed Tony McMahon's centre over the crossbar while (ex-Motherwell man) Nicky Law rolled an effort across the face of goal and wide.

It looked like Dale had held out for victory until the 89th minute when Lillis spilled a routine cross and Wyke poked the ball home.

 

Rotherham vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result - Rotherham 2 Bristol 2

Yay!

Rotherham stormed ahead in the ninth minute when Michael Smith burst through the defence and curled an unstoppable effort into the top corner.

Will Vaulks had two chances moments after the goal but both flew just over the crossbar.

The away side's first major opportunity was created by Byron Moore as he danced into the box from the right wing. His eventual shot was weak and was pushed out by Marek Rodak.

Rotherham almost got a clinching second goal through substitute Ryan Williams but he could not get a clean enough touch on Joe Newell's near-post cross.

Rodak remained alert throughout and he denied Kyle Bennett with a save with his legs.

The points were sealed in the 90th minute with Caolan Lavery coming off the bench to turn in Newell's centre.

 

Scunthorpe vs Walsall - Prediction Home win

Result - Scunthorpe 1 Walsall 0

Yay!

The visitors almost went ahead when Julien Ngoy tried his luck from distance in the opening exchanges but Matt Gilks was equal to it.

Down the other end Scunthorpe dangerman Josh Morris saw a free-kick come back off a post.

Luke Leahy brought a speculative save from Gilks after the restart whilst Funso Ojo came close for the hosts only to be denied by Liam Roberts.

When it looked as though the game was heading for a stalemate, Scunthorpe stole victory in the 76th minute.

Conor Townsend clipped the ball into the Walsall box and Ryan Yates was there to plant a header past Roberts.

 

That was last week. What has the great and powerful Grambler randomly selected for this week’s bet?

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs West Brom - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Southampton vs Bournemouth - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Aston Villa vs Derby - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Norwich vs Leeds - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Reading vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.58

 

Just a touch less whopping than last week.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who is the only South Korean player to have won a Champions League medal and which club did he win it with. The answer is Park Ji-Sung and he played for Manchester United. Now retired, he works as a club ambassador for Man U. [Does that mean he dishes out the Ferrero Rocher choccies? - Ed.]

One for this week? Liverpool’s goal machine Mo Salah has understandably won the PFA footballer of the year award. The young player of the year award was won by Leroy Sane of Manchester City. Here is your question - Only one other Manchester City player has won the PFA young player of the year award, who was it? A bonus question? Who was the last Liverpool player to win the PFA player of the year award? Easy peasy? Hmm.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to honorary Brownie, Mr T. Pratchett, an author of some genuinely fine science fiction. He gave us some wonderfully quotable quotes and I would like to finish this week with some of them...

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this.

The space between the young readers eyeballs and the printed page is a holy place and officialdom should trample all over it at their peril.

"Educational" refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

I once absent-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

Most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally evil, but by people being fundamentally people.

It is well known that a vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you're attempting can't be done.

Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: 'Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?'

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues. —from Moving Pictures.

It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren’t doing it.

People don't alter history any more than birds alter the sky, they just make brief patterns in it.

I’d rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can.

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it.

It’s still magic even if you know how it’s done.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Here’s some advice boy. Don’t put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That's why they’re called revolutions.

If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else’s story.

Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

I'm not writing 'The A-Team' - if there's a fight going on, people will get hurt. Not letting this happen would be a betrayal.

Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along.

Pets are always a help in times of stress. And in times of starvation, too, of course.

Captain Quirke was not actually a bad man; he didn’t have the imagination; but he dealt more in the generalised low-grade unpleasantness which slightly tarnishes the soul of all who come into contact with it rather like British Rail.

Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to.

The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

It occurred to me that at one point it was like I had two diseases - one was Alzheimer's, and the other was knowing I had Alzheimer's.

I commend my soul to any God that can find it.

So much universe, and so little time.
 
 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.