Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
I have just been to visit somebody. [I'm that pleased for you. - Ed.] Ahem. This visit took place on a morning. Unfortunately, the television remained on throughout my visit... I hate that, don't you? The problem is that, no matter how hard you try to ignore the fact that it is switched on, your eyes and ears won’t let you. They just seem to be drawn towards this screen in the corner of the room. Have you ever tried watching daytime television? Dearie me. I had never before realised quite how trivial and superficial the subject matter was on these morning television programmes...
LS: Hello, my name is me Lorianne Smellie so it is and this morning we have got fashion tips, a quiz and an actress plugging a book. But first, here's Dross Queen with all the gossip in Hollywood.
Hello Dross, I believe you have just met somebody who could be described as wonderful.
DQ: I have indeed, Lorrianne. Yes, I've just met an absolutely wonderful actor who tells me they are about to star in a wonderful new film.
LS: Wow. That's pure brilliant, so it is. Did they say anything about the film?
DQ: They did indeed. They told me that it was most definitely a wonderful film with a wonderful script and a wonderful cast and it was to be directed by somebody quite wonderful.
LS: Wow. That is wonderful, so it is. Thank you Dross.
And now we have got some fashion tips from our fashion guru, Wok Pan. Hello Wok.
WP: Hello Lorrianne, darling.
LS: Wow. I believe you have something very special for us this week...
WP: I have, darling. Have you ever longed for a dress or a blouse only to find it's too expensive? I know I have. So this week I have put together a complete outfit for fifty pee.
LS: Wow, that’s pure amazing. How have you managed that, n that?
WP: Well Lorrianne, darling, I'm glad you asked. Have you ever been to a charity shop, darling? No? I didn’t think you would have, darling. Neither had I, because they are places where poor people go. Definitely not for the likes of us, darling. However, that is where I went this week and, as you can see from our model here, a complete outfit can be had for very little outlay.
LS: Wow. That is absolutely... umm... yes.
WP: The word you are looking for, darling, is stupendous.
LS: Naw, it wisnae.
WP: You'll notice that the skirt, darling, which was priced at 20 pee, but I managed to haggle and get it for 10, is a particularly fetching shade of fawn.
LS: Naw, that looks like the colour of puke, tae me. An’ Ah know puke when I see it.
WP: Yes, maybe. The blouse, though, is a darker shade, as you can see, darling. Although that might just be that it could do with a wash. As with any second hand clothes we can detect an odour.
LS: We?
WP: Yes, it probably is.
LS: And the footwear... Well, what can I say?
WP: Absolutely fabulous, aren’t they, darling? At ten pee, I couldn't resist them. Granted, they weren't the smartest pair of wellingtons in the shop.
LS: What colour are they meant to be, by the way?
WP: I think they were green to begin with. I believe they belonged to a painter and decorator, so they have obviously been splashed with a few different colours, which gives them an interesting... erm... style. Do you like the finishing touch, darling?
LS: Ehmm... Ah’m no’ sure. What is that?
WP: Well, darling, I couldn't afford a belt, so I thought the string would make a fabulous substitute.
LS: String? Aww, that’s a sin. Mind you, I do love the colour, by the way. Orange is my favourite... because I’m a Dundee United fan; it’s nothing to do wi’ lodges an’ stuff like that. Ah’m no’ intae aw they walks an’ things. 1690 to me just means the price of a glass o’ wine. Nothing else. Ahem... Oh yes, the string... Where did you find it?
WP: On a beach. Look, you can still see some seaweed clinging to it.
LS: Wow! Thank you, Wok. That was amazing, so it was.
And now it's your chance to win a pure dead brilliant holiday home; here's Randy Meters.
RM: Would you like to win a top of the range BMW? How about £80,000? Tax free. Yes? So would I. There is absolutely no chance of winning them. So, tough. However, you can win this fantastic mobile holiday home which you can take anywhere that takes your fancy. Yes, this lovely two man tent worth up to £30 on ebay can be yours. Just send your details to the number on your screen. Now! Calls cost a minimum of £8 and remember, [ultra-fast] you must be at least short of a few brain cells if you think you will win. You may be charged considerably more than £8. Please ask for permission from your carer before entering. Terms and conditions apply.
Good Luck!
LS: Wow! Your own holiday home! Ah’d love that, so I would. That's terrific, by the way. After the break, we'll be talking to some actress who's had a baby so she has and she’s written a book all about motherhood...
Ye gods and little fi... I know it’s not my telly but... CLICK!
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 31st of August? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
Caligula 12 - Loony emperor.
‘Bombardier’ Billy Wells 1887 - Boxery bloke. You may not have seen him as a boxer, but those of us of a certain age will remember when he got it on and banged a gong.
Roland Culver 1900 - Actor. He was usually seen in humorous upper-crust roles. He played the Foreign Secretary in Thunderball. 150 credits on IMDb.
Bernard Lovell 1913 - Astronomer.
John Hanson 1922 - Singer. Have a clip. Here’s Song of the Vagabonds.
Larry Grayson 1923 - Comedian.
Anthony Bate 1927 - Actor. Oliver Lacon in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. 146 credits on IMDb.
Charles Kay 1930 - Actor. Tsar Nicholas II in Fall of Eagles.
Roy Castle 1932 - Dancer, singer, comedian, musician and television presenter... In fact, a right old smarty boots.
Martin Bell 1937 - Journalist and politician. Known as the man in the white suit.
Peter Childs 1939 - Actor. Ron Gash in Public Eye.
Robert Morris 1940 - Actor. Freddie Galbraid in Breakaway.
Roger Dean 1944 - Artist, designer and publisher. Famous for his album cover art for Yes, Asia, Gentle Giant and others. [I can’t recall a band called Others. - Ed.]
Clive Lloyd 1944 - crickety bloke.
Van Morrison 1945 - Musician. Would you like a clip? Of course you would. Here’s Bright Side of the Road.
Peter Gage 1947 - Musician. A member of the famous Geno Washington and the Ram Jam Band. The Ram Jam Band became Elkie Brooks’ backing band and morphed into Vinegar Joe. He was also briefly married to Ms Brooks. See; educational, this is. Anyway, let’s have a clip. Here’s Water.
Rudolf Schenker 1948 - Musician. Founder of The Scorpions. Another clip, vicar? Here’s the band’s biggest hit, Wind of Change.
Stewart Kennedy 1949 - Fitba guy.
Peter Birch 1952 - Actor. Jack Hathaway in Casualty.
Anthony Thistlethwaite 1955 - Musician. A Waterboy and a Saw Doctor. Another clip? Why not. Here’s the Saw Doctors’ biggest UK hit, To Win Just Once.
Glenn Tilbrook 1957 - Musician. A bit of Squeeze. He wrote the music for most of Squeeze’s music. I reckon another clip is in order. Here’s Innocence in Paradise.
Campbell Money 1960 - Fitba guy.
Nick Reding 1962 - Actor. PC Pete Ramsey in The Bill.
Derek Whyte 1968 - Fitba guy.
Kirstie Allsop 1971 - TV presenter.
Pádraig Harrington 1971 - Galfaire (That’s Gaelic, if you are interested.)
Lucy Speed 1976 - Actress. Natalie Evans/Price in Eastenders. Slaaag!
Ian Harte 1977 - Peileadóir (That’s Gaelic, as well.)
Simon Neill 1979 - Musician. Frontman of Biffy Clyro. Have another clip. Here’s Mountains.
Gary Mackay-Steven 1990 - Fitba guy.
And now, the 7th of September...
Elizabeth I 1533 - The well-known queen.
William Duesbury 1725 - Artist and entrepreneur. Founder of Royal Crown Derby pottery.
Edith Sitwell 1887 - Poet.
Leslie Hore-Belisha 1893 - Politician after whom those flashing orange lights at pedestrian crossings were named.
Anthony Quayle 1913 - Actor. Adam Strange in Strange Report.
David Croft 1922 - Writer, producer and director. Blame him for some of the worst greatest sitcoms of the 70s and 80s such as Are You Being Served?, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, Hi-de-Hi and ’Allo ’Allo!
Peter Lawford 1923 - Actor more famous for being John F. Kennedy’s brother-in-law than for his thespian... I said thespian... skills.
Tim Turner 1924 - Actor. You probably won’t recall seeing him. That is perhaps because his most famous role was as The Invisible Man.
Laura Ashley 1925 - Fabrics designer.
Eric Hill 1927 - Children’s book author and illustrator. Spot the dog was one of his.
Derek Royle 1928 - Actor. Jolly Jimmy in The Magical Mystery Tour. However, he is more famous as being the dead body that Basil Fawlty and Manuel drag from room to room in the Fawlty Towers episode The Kipper and the Corpse.
Malcolm Bradbury 1932 - Orfer.
Charles Holley aka Buddy Holly 1936 - Musician. Let’s have a clip. He actually seemed to have a bigger following in the UK than the US of A while he was alive, but this track was number one on both sides of the Atlantic.
Clive Everton 1937 - Snookery bloke.
Chris Wright 1944 - Founder of Chrysalis Records.
Peter Storey 1945 - Footy bloke.
John Middleton 1953 - Actor. Ashley Thomas in Emmerdale.
Doug Bradley 1954 - Actor. Pinhead in the Hellraiser series of films.
Ray Stewart 1959 - Fitba guy.
Christopher Villiers 1960 - Actor. Peter Morgan in Sweet Sixteen.
Toby Jones 1966 - Actor. Alan Bates in Mr. Bates vs The Post Office.
Jim Gannon 1968 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell boss. He didn’t stay long, but he put together a damn fine team. The reason for him being sacked after only months in the job maybe has something to do with the ‘nickname’ he was given... he was known as Loose Gannon.
Liam ‘Skin’ Tyson 1969 - Musician. Lead guitarist with Cast. Time for a clip. Here’s Far Away.
Garry Brady 1976 - Fitba guy.
Garry Hay 1977 - Fitba guy.
David Dawson 1982 - Actor. Alfred in The Last Kingdom.
Charlie Daniels 1986 - Footy bloke.
Rocco Quinn 1986 - Fitba guy.
Robert Snodgrass 1987 - Fitba guy.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Grambliam Tyson,
It was so nice to hear a modern song by your beat combo, Cast. I was wondering, what was your last record to enter the top 40 singles chart?
Yours inquisitively,
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Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Korbleads fare? We won... ish. We got £2.12 back from our £2.20, so we lost twice as much as last time. What happened? Read on...
Crystal Palace vs West Ham - Home win - Evens
Result - Crystal Palace 0 West Ham 2
Oh dear. Bad start.
Second-half goals from Tomas Soucek and Jarrod Bowen earned West Ham a first Premier League win under new manager Julen Lopetegui and condemned Crystal Palace to their first home defeat since early April.
Soucek converted a loose ball inside the Palace area to give the Hammers the lead with their first effort on target, after fine work from substitute Aaron Wan-Bissaka down the right flank.
And Bowen netted his first-ever goal against Palace five minutes later, firing a left-footed drive inside the near post before celebrating in front of the jubilant Hammers supporters.
There were chances at both ends in an entertaining opening 20 minutes at Selhurst Park, with Michail Antonio and Mohammed Kudus going close for West Ham and Eberechi Eze and Odsonne Edouard missing golden opportunities for Palace.
Eze was denied by the woodwork late in the first half, his sweetly struck effort from a short-corner routine coming back off the crossbar with goalkeeper Alphonse Areola well beaten.
The second period was a less entertaining affair until Soucek broke the deadlock midway through the half, with Bowen all but ending Palace's hopes of a route back into the game with his well-taken effort.
Fulham vs Leicester City - Home win
Result - Fulham 2 Leicester City 1
Yay!
Alex Iwobi's 70th-minute winner gave Fulham victory over Leicester.
The winger fired through the legs of goalkeeper Mads Hermansen to restore Fulham's lead after Wout Faes had levelled for the Foxes before the break.
The Cottagers, who were dominant throughout, opened the scoring when Emile Smith Rowe slotted in.
He hit the ground running, picking up the ball from Adama Traore on the left before driving towards Hermansen and firing into the far corner.
Faes' equaliser 20 minutes later was initially ruled out by referee Darren Bond, who judged Jamie Vardy to have been interfering with Bernd Leno [Ooer, missus! - Ed.] in an offside position.
But the video assistant referee sent Bond to the pitchside monitor and he overturned the decision after seeing replays of the Fulham goalkeeper pushing Vardy out his way.
The visitors struggled for possession after Iwobi’s goal and lacked a clinical edge as they pushed for a late equaliser with Wilfred Ndidi coming closest, only to slam his shot straight at Leno in the final moments of injury time.
Watford vs Derby County - Home win
Result - Watford 2 Derby County 1
Yay!
Moussa Sissoko grabbed a second-half winner as Watford came from behind to beat a battling Derby County.
The Hornets trailed inside two minutes to a fine low Ebou Adams strike.
But Vakoun Bayo’s outrageous scissor kick drew the hosts level, before a fiery end to the first half saw Rams assistant boss Richie Barker sent off.
Watford’s captain, Sissoko's close-range effort was enough to ensure the win.
Wigan vs Crawley - Home win
Result - Wigan 1 Crawley 0
Yay!
Thelo Aasgaard provided the only goal on the half-hour mark, with his header from Luke Chambers’ left-wing cross going in off Town defender Joy Mukena.
But the Reds never gave up, dominating for large parts of the second period but proving unable to force an equaliser.
Silko Thomas had already found the net for Wigan before the opening goal, only for it to be ruled out for offside. And he glided through the visiting defence at the beginning of the second half, only to be denied by goalkeeper Joe Wollacott.
At the other end, Sam Tickle made two good saves to deny Ade Adeyemo, with Chambers having to hack the ball away from deep inside his six-yard box.
Wigan almost found a second goal at the end, only for Joe Hugill to fire over the top from a good position.
Colchester vs Harrogate - Home win
Result - Colchester 0 Harrogate 1
Boo!
Sam Folarin’s second-half strike sealed a 1-0 smash-and-grab win for Harrogate at Colchester.
Colchester went close in the 11th minute when Teddy Bishop’s curled free-kick was brilliantly tipped away by Harrogate goalkeeper James Belshaw for a corner.
Tom Flanagan headed over the bar for the hosts, who went close again when Belshaw pushed away Samson Tovide’s powerful shot for a corner.
Zico Asare’s close-range header flew straight at Colchester goalkeeper Matt Macey, but Colchester were dominant before half-time and John-Kymani Gordon dragged a shot wide of the far post from a good position.
The hosts felt they should have had a penalty just before the hour mark when Tovide was pulled back by Matty Foulds in the area following Gordon’s delivery, while Belshaw made another fine stop to deny Tovide from point-blank range soon after.
Harrogate grabbed a 68th-minute winner when a breakdown in communication in the Colchester area between goalkeeper Macey and Rob Hunt resulted in Folarin nipping in and tapping into an empty net.
Shall we have a look at this week’s predictions from The Grambler? Yes, let’s...
Game - Result - Odds
Barrow vs Swindon - Home win - 4/5
Doncaster vs Gillingham - Home win - 5/6
Cheltenham vs Harrogate - Home win - Evens
Bradford vs Carlisle - Home win - 3/4
Crewe vs Morecambe - Home win - 19/20
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
£11.46
Whopping enough. I wonder if there is something I could write relating to 1146; the year. Let’s have a look... Well, apart from some royals fighting amongst themselves and the usual land grabs by different ‘empires’, nothing of note seems to have happe... Ooh, here’s something. Apparently, it was a very rainy year, so crops were destroyed leading to a poor harvest and one of the worst famines of the century. There you go. They had it tough. So, stop complaining if Adli run out of your favourite yogurt.
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Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Rotterdam in 2001. A winger, I began my senior career in 2018 at Feyenoord but before playing a game for them I was loaned out to other clubs. In 2020, I signed for Leeds before, this season, joining my present club, West Ham for a fee in excess of £25 million. I have represented Netherlands at U16, U17, U18, U19 and U21 levels.
Answer - Crysencio Summerville
2. Which manager has won five Champions League Trophies?
Answer - Carlo Ancelotti
3. Who currently wears the number one shirt for Celtic?
Answer - Kasper Schmeichel
4. Which team plays home games at Prenton Park?
Answer - Tranmere Rovers
5. How many nations took part in the inaugural (1930) FIFA World Cup?
Answer - 13 [How did that work? - Ed.]
How about five for this week?
1. Who am I?
I was born in Barcelona in 1995. I began my Senior career at Blackburn Rovers in 2014. I was briefly loaned out to Southport at the start of my career. In 2019, I moved to Brentford. In 2023, I was loaned out to Arsenal and this season, the move has been made permanent with Arsenal paying £27 million to sign me.
2. You may have seen Erling Haaland score his second hat-trick of the season last week, matching his total for the whole of last season, so, here’s the question: who has scored the most hat tricks in a single season?
3. Which Finnish player has made the most Premier League appearances?
4. Which club plays its home games at Portman Road?
5. A daft one to finish. What links these clubs? AFC Bournemouth, Ajax, Barnsley, Bristol Rovers, Doncaster Rovers and Pafos. Hmm... interesting.
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
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Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
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Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£79,374
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And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I refer you to a very sad day. September the 7th, 1978 was the date when the world lost arguably the greatest rock drummer ever: Keith Moon. He was only 32 when he died, though the ravages of excess alcohol and drugs made him appear much older. I thought it fitting to end this week’s edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog with an example of Keith doing what Keith did best. Here’s Won't Get Fooled Again.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
