Thursday, 19 April 2018

Week 35 - Grambleday wishes to the Queen and Iggy Pop


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

We begin this week with our lucky number draw. Are you ready? I’ll just jumble them up a bit. There. And the lucky number, ladies and gentlemen, is 37. So there you are. Congratulations to number 37.

Look out for another lucky number draw soon.*

*Or possibly never.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Who has heard this little rhyme?

Pardon me for being so rude,

It wasn’t me, it was my food.

It is a wee thing children trot out when they have burped. Do you know the next two lines?

Something in my tummy shifted,

That’s the reason that I rifted.

No? Perhaps it was only ever uttered by kids in and around Glasgow. So, rift is a slang term used as an alternative to burp or belch.

I know someone who definitely isn’t aware of the term... whoever chooses the names of new vehicles at Peugeot. The company has just introduced a new version of its van-based people carrier the ‘Tepee’ and has called it, you’ve guessed already I am sure, the ‘Rifter’.

Tepee was daft enough but, given that a tepee is a portable North American home, the name can be forgiven... only just, though.

But Rifter? A little unfortunate, to say the least. Of course, it isn’t the first time car makers have misjudged the market when it comes to naming cars.

Perhaps the most famous was the Ford Pinto, the US company’s idea of a compact car back in 1970. Pinto sounds fine. Doesn’t it? Not if you are Brazilian, it doesn’t. Apparently, in the land of Pele, the nut and the wax, the word pinto is a slang term relating to the male genitalia and it isn’t complimentary.

Female genitalia also get a few mentions. Who would have thought that there was anything wrong with the Opel name Ascona? Nobody, unless they came from Northern Spain or parts of Portugal. See also, the name Honda chose for one of its cars, the Fitta, which is a particularly crude name for female genitalia in Swedish or Norwegian. What do you mean, you’ve never heard of such a car? There is a reason for that; Honda were warned about the fact shortly before the car that we know as the Jazz went on sale. Phew.

You really wonder what the folk that name cars are wondering...

‘This car will be British through and through. It will be a match for all those imports flooding into the country. It really will turn the tide...’

‘Hey, let’s name it after that king who was supposed to have ordered the tide to turn...’

‘Brilliant! Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Austin Cnut.’

Luckily they had second thoughts and the car was called the Metro.

Don’t worry; I did make that up. Nobody is that stupid... or are they?

Chevrolet had problems in the Spanish-speaking parts of the world when it introduced a car called the Nova. No va means ‘it doesn’t go’.

You would think Buick were on safe ground when they named a car the LaCrosse. It’s a sport, isn’t it? Not in French-speaking Quebec, it isn’t. There, it is a slang term for... erm... self gratification.

Mitsubishi made the same mistake with its Pajero... only in the Spanish language rather than French.

Some cars are given names which are a bit non-PC in that they might cause offence to certain people.

There is a sports supercar from a company called Ascari... That’s not the offensive bit. Its monicker is KZ1-R. Nothing too offensive there, surely. (Don’t call me Shirley.) Maybe not to English speakers but, to Germans with memories of World War II, it is deeply offensive. The KZ part of the name is the abbreviation of Konzentrationslager, or concentration camp.

Triumph had the Spitfire; presumably named after the WWII aircraft of the same name. The one that was used to shoot down hundreds of aircraft, thus causing the deaths of many enemy airmen. But, hey, that was the sixties; way before political correctness took off. [Took off! Spitfire! Very good. - Ed.]

Mitsubishi decided to dip into the company history books when it came to naming a special rally replica of one of its Evo models. Mitsubishi actually made aircraft so why not name a car after one of them? If Triumph could do it, so could they. How about the Evo Zero Fighter? The Zero Fighter was also a WWII aircraft. You know... the one that took thousands of allied lives and was used in Kamikaze raids at the end of the war.

In the nineteen fifties the US car company Hudson came up with the title of Wasp for one of its vehicles. Perhaps it was a buzzy little car with a sting in its tail. Maybe so, but there must have been a few sales in the black-hating deep south where the initials WASP meant something entirely different.

Then there are those car (and van) names which are just plain bonkers. The offerings from western manufacturers such as Renault Wind, Daf Daffodil, Oldsmobile Achieva, Opel/Vauxhall Adam and Citroen Jumpy look quite sensible compared to those from the far east. Let’s face it, these are just utterly baffling...

Mitsubishi Lettuce

Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy

Mazda Bongo Friendee (See also Mazda Bongo Brawny)

Great Wall Coolbear

Great Wall Wingle

Datsun Cedric (See also Violet, Fairlady, Gloria and Sylvia)

Nissan Horny Super Long

Suzuki Every Joypop Turbo

Mazda Scum Wagon

Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard

Geely Rural Nanny (See also Geely Beauty Leopard)

Daihatsu Naked

Toyota Picnic

Honda Freed Spike

Honda Brio Amaze

Mitsubishi Town Box

Proton Saga (I wonder which age group that was aimed at.)

Proton Putra (A bit too close to putrid for my liking.)

There are hundreds more that I could list, but I won’t. I will end with my own favourite; another Proton, its name means ‘strong as’ (steel, perhaps.) in Malay. To me, it is just a daft name... Ladeez and genullum, I give you the Waja.

 
 

I can just imagine the conversation...

‘I’m having problems with my Waja.’

‘I’m a car mechanic; you want to see a doctor, mate.’

Incidentally, while I am on the subject of car names, do you know what the Hebrew word for Beetle (as in VW Beetle) is? [Do you care? - Ed.] It is the inoffensive (unless you speak English) hipushit... which is exactly the term I used to use when describing my Austin Metro... or Cnut, if you prefer.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 21st of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Charlotte Bronte 1816 (Orfer. Factoid: Her novel Jane Eyre was published under the pen name of Currer Bell.), John Muir 1838 (The original environmentalist.), Efrem Zimbalist 1889 (Concert violinist and composer.), Freddie Dixon 1892 (Motor cycle racey bloke. Known as Flying Freddie.), Norman Parkinson 1913 (Snapper.), Anthony Quinn 1915 (Actor. For our first clip of the week... let’s have a dance.), Alistair MacLean 1922 (Orfer. Like Miss Bronte, he occasionally used a pseudonym [Sounds painful. - Ed.]; his was Ian Stuart.), John Mortimer 1923 (Barrister turned orfer.), Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith 1926 (Known to her friends as Betty.), Jack Taylor 1930 (Footy referee. Factoid: In the 1974 World Cup final, he awarded two penalties: the first ever in a World Cup final.), Angela Mortimer 1932 (Tennisy bloke.), Charles Grodin 1935 (Actor.), James Osterburg 1947 (Who? Oh, Iggy Pop. He’s the singer that can’t afford a shirt. A clip? Here’s his biggy.), John Weider 1947 (Bassist and fiddler. Another clip?  Here's Don't Give Up On Me.), Andie MacDowell 1958 (Actress. She was in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Er... That’s it.), Robert Smith 1959 (Singer, it says here. Have a nice wee toon. Here's Close to Me.), Peter van Vossen 1968 (Voetbal gozer.), Toby Stephens 1969 (Ectaw. Son of Sir Robert Stephens and Dame Maggie Smith... Nice to see someone from humble beginnings making a name for himself [Do I detect a smidgin of sarcasm? - Ed.].), Jeff Anderson 1970 (Actor. Randal Graves.), Steve Backshall 1973 (Naturalist TV presenter. [What? He presents in the nude? - Ed.]), James McAvoy 1979 (Ectaw. Gnomeo.) and Adam Rooney 1988 (Footy bloke.).
 
Iggy Pop - 'You, too, can have a body like mine...
if you're not careful.'
 
 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Granblue,

I did enjoy hearing Close to Me by the Cure. Robert Smith was an outstanding singer with a fantastic vocal range. The band had a few hits in the 1980s. What was their first top 20 hit?

Yours with oodles of love,

D. Wark.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. I didn’t make a profit. 67 pees back from a £2.20 stake is definitely not a profit. What happened? Read on...

 

 

 

Barnsley vs Bolton - Prediction Home win

Result - Barnsley 2 Bolton 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Gary Gardner fired the Tykes into a half-time lead from 10 yards.

Bolton thought they had won it with two late goals when Adam Le Fondre levelled with a penalty on 82 minutes before Craig Noone volleyed in just three minutes later.

But Oli McBurnie headed in a corner for an injury-time equaliser.

 

Burton vs Derby - Prediction Away win

Result - Burton 3 Derby 1

Booooo!

Liam Boyce gave Albion the lead as he found himself unmarked at the back post to convert Joe Sbarra's cross.

David Nugent headed the Rams level five minutes later, but Derby were punished for some poor defending when Luke Murphy curled a shot past Scott Carson.

Lucas Akins tapped in Burton's third before Matej Vydra had an 89th-minute penalty saved by Stephen Bywater.

 

Hull vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win

Result - Hull 0 Sheffield 1

Booooooooo!

Jordan Rhodes opened the scoring for Wednesday, heading Jack Hunt's cross beyond Allan McGregor.

Abel Hernandez thought he had levelled for the hosts in injury time when he poked the ball beyond Owls keeper Joe Wildsmith.

But his goal was ruled out for offside and the away side held on despite a late flurry of Hull chances.

 

Middlesbrough vs Bristol C - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Bristol City 1

At last! Yay!

Milan Djuric acrobatically slotted in to give City an early lead, before George Friend equalised with a header.

Daniel Ayala headed in the winner after the break.

The game was marred by a first-half collision between Boro striker Patrick Bamford and Robins defender Aiden Flint which saw Bamford stretchered off.

Bamford received 10 minutes of attention by medics on the pitch, before he was carried from the field receiving oxygen. Flint was unscathed.

 

Nottingham For vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Nottingham 2 Ipswich 1

Yay!

Nottingham Forest scored two late goals to beat Ipswich.

Grant Ward opened the scoring for Ipswich, heading Myles Kenlock's cross beyond Costel Pantilimon.

But Ben Brereton equalised with an 89th-minute penalty for the hosts after he was bundled over in the box.

Joe Lolley then volleyed in Brereton's deep cross at the far post in the fifth minute of stoppage time to complete a dramatic turnaround.

 

Not a great week for The Grambler. Hopefully he/she/it will improve a bit this week. Let’s see the selections...

Game - Result - Odds

Doncaster vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win - Evens

Portsmouth vs Charlton - Prediction Home win - Evens

Rochdale vs Bradford - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Rotherham vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Scunthorpe vs Walsall - Prediction Home win - 8/11

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.85

 

Hmm. That is a teensy bit whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what Leyton Orient, Northampton Town, Carlisle United, Swindon Town and Barnsley have in common. The answer is that have all spent only one season in the top flight of English football.

Leyton Orient were in Division One in the 1962-3 season, Northampton Town were there from 1965 to 1966 and Carlisle were there in the 1974-5 season. Swindon Town were in the Premiershit from 1993 to 1994 and Barnsley were there from 1997 to 1998.

Too easy? How about this one? Let’s head into UEFA Champions League territory. Only one South Korean player has won a Champions League medal. Who was it? How about a wee bonus question? With which club did he win it?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Mortimer who gave us one of the greatest legal characters in Horace Rumpole; a defence barrister, but a bit of an anarchist. The character was brought to life superbly by the Australian Actor Leo McKern. Between 1978 and 1992 ITV showed seven series of Rumpole of the Bailey - 43 episodes in all. However, the first time McKern portrayed Rumpole was in a 1975 'Play for Today' on BBC and it is this earliest outing that I have chosen to end this week’s edition. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy Rumpole and the Confession of Guilt.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Week 34 - Grambleday wishes to Doctor Who


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

It seems that nowadays anyone can become a star or at least a celebrity by simply putting something memorable on Ya Tube or Farcebook.

Here in Scotland, a very funny comedian was first spotted on line and gained something of a cult following. Before long, the beeb was alerted to his genius brand of comedy and the rest is history. Limmy was given his own show and his material was shown to a much wider audience.

Going much further back, long before social media, someone who appeared in the news could achieve a brief moment of ‘stardom’. Who remembers Daniel Hooper aka Swampy? Anyone? You at the back? Yes, that’s right, he was an eco-warrior or environmental protester. He achieved a modicum of fame, or notoriety depending on your point of view, when he and others dug a series of tunnels under the proposed Newbury Bypass extension of the A30 road back in 1996. He and other protesters spent up to a week in this complex labyrinth resisting arrest. He was the last one to be ‘evicted’ and because of this act of defiance he was briefly a celebrity. In 1997 he was even a panellist on Have I Got News For You.

That was one celebrity who had his 15 minutes of fame; another is John Smeaton. If it is a name that you have forgotten, he was the baggage handler who, along with others, tackled terrorists who tried to drive a 4x4 vehicle through the main doors of Glasgow Airport back in 2007. The vehicle was on fire as Smeato arrived at the scene and the people in the car were also being burned. His way of dealing with the situation? Basically, he tried to kick the sh*t out of the driver. He received the Queen’s Medal for Gallantry for kicking a man that was on fire.

He was, however, something of a character and the press loved his forthright views...

His thoughts as he set about the attacker: ‘You're no' hitting the Polis mate, there's nae chance.’

Describing his own actions: ‘So I ran straight towards the guy, we're all trying to get a kick-in at him, take a boot to subdue the guy.’

When asked for his message to would-be terrorists: ‘Glasgow doesn't accept this. This is Glasgow; we'll set about ye.’

In a newspaper article: ‘If any more extremists are still wanting to rise up and start trouble, know this: We’ll rise right back up against you. New York, Madrid, London, Paisley… we’re all in this together and make no mistake, none of us will hold back from putting the boot in.’

On his fame: ‘Would you stop it with all this hero worship? Anyone else would have done exactly the same as me.’

Coming bang up to date, have you ever heard of Joseph Garrett? No neither had I until, recently, my grandson told me about what he watched on Ya Tube. Actually, he hasn't heard of Joseph Garrett either because he knows him as Stampylongnose. Sorry pardon excuse me? He seems to be something of a cult... I said cult... amongst 8 year old kids.

If you were ever annoyed that your child was playing too many computer games, consider this. Stampylongnose records himself playing computer games, adding a commentary, and then puts these recordings on Ya Tube. Children, my grandson included, then watch these videos for hours on end.

Thus, children are not spending too long playing computer games, they are now spending too long watching someone else playing computer games.

So if ever you hear a child talk about Stampylongnose, you now know that you don't need to refer to a medical dictionary; instead, you should be hiding the laptop.

All this tarradiddle leads me to a piece of film that was recently posted on Ya Tube. It features a young lady at the funeral of her father. Not for her the normal sad farewell, instead she sings the old Millie hit My Boy Lollipop at the graveside. Naturally, the whole spectacle was filmed and placed on Ya Tube. It's what people do these days. Any road up, the clip has gone 'viral' with over a quarter of a million views. Following on from this, she was actually booked to appear at a Glasgow bar to 'sing' the same song. If you allow Ya Tube to do it's usual trick of playing the next clip, whether you want it to or not, you will see that Bar Budda was absolutely packed that night.

Anyway, ladeez and genullum, please enjoy the antics of Glasgow's latest 'star', Denise Ferrie aka Slim Feminem.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 14th of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Abraham Darby 1678 (Ironmaster who developed a superior method of producing pig iron in the early years of the industrial revolution. You see, educational this is.), John Gielgud 1904 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Faisal of Saudi Arabia 1906 (The well-known king.), Francois Duvalier 1907 (The well-known dictator. Aka Papa Doc.), Valerie Hobson 1917 (Ectress.), Rod Steiger 1925 (I didn’t know he kept dangerous animals.), Gerry Anderson 1929 (Not just a puppeteer. Gave us... deep breath... The Adventures of Twizzle, Torchy the Battery Boy, Four Feather Falls, Supercar, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons and Joe 90. I think a clip is in order. A theme tune perhaps?  It has to be this one.), Bob Grant 1932 (Actor. Jack Harper in On the Buses.), Loretta Lynn 1932 (Curntry n wyustern singer. Aka The Coal Miner's Daughter, The First Lady of Country Music, The Queen of Country Music, The Honky Tonk Girl, The Decca Doll, The Blue Kentucky Girl or The Hillbilly Feminist. Was this some sort of tax dodge?), Paddy Hopkirk 1933 (rally type racey bloke.), Shani Wallis 1933 (Actress/singer. Nancy, that was her. All together now... Oom pah pah! Oom pah pah!), Julie Christie 1940 (Ectress.), Ritchie Blackmore 1945 (Geetarist. Responsible for the first riff that any budding rock guitarist ever learns.  All together now... Dahn dahn dahn, da da da dahn...), Julian Lloyd-Webber 1951 (Cellist. Time for a bit o cult'yer.), Peter Capaldi 1958 (Ectaw. Malcolm Tucker and the 12th incarnation of the man known only as The Doctor.), Robert Carlyle 1961 (Ectaw. Begbie.), Gina McKee 1964 (Ac’ress bonny lad.), Sarah Michelle Gellar 1977 (Actress. Buffy.) and James McFadden 1983 (Ex-Motherwell footy bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grampus,

Thanks for reminding us of what a genius Gerry Anderson was. He gave us all those wonderful puppet programmes back in the fifties and sixties. After turning his back on puppet tv in the seventies, I believe he produced another animated series in the eighties. Can you remember what it was called?

Yours sincerely,

Terry Hawkes.
 
Blimey! Alice Cooper's let himself go.
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. And we made a profit. Yep. £2.27 back from a £2.20 stake. Seven pees still count as a profit. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Sheffield Wed vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Fulham 1

Yay!

Fulham looked set to be frustrated despite dominating the game, with Ryan Sessegnon hitting the bar and Aleksandar Mitrovic and Stefan Johansen also going close.

But Mitrovic smashed in Sessegnon's cross for their seventh win in eight.

 

Yeovil vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Yeovil 0 Luton 3

Yay!

Luton scored early. Danny Hylton's flicked header found Elliot Lee in space and he slotted past goalkeeper Stuart Nelson.

Hylton was involved in the action again when Ryan Dickson hauled him down in the box and was shown a straight red card. The striker picked himself up to score the penalty a minute later.

Yeovil were down to nine in the 32nd minute when captain Francois Zoko was dismissed for an off-the-ball incident with Alan McCormack.

Hylton made it 3-0 eight minutes later by turning in a James Collins cross at the second attempt.

 

Partick vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Away win

Result - Partick 0 Kilmarnock 1

Yay!

Stuart Findlay headed home from Jordan Jones' cross to give Killie a first-half advantage.

Thistle's Chris Erskine and Conor Sammon were denied by goalkeeper Jamie MacDonald early in the second period.

Stephen O'Donnell had the ball in the net for the visitors but was penalised for handball (which is a different sport entirely).

 

Ross County vs Hibs - Prediction Away win

Result - Ross County 1 Hibs 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Billy Mckay showed great persistence and composure to net the 28th-minute opener against the run of play.

The visitors' supremacy continued after the break, and they squandered a spree of chances before replacement Oli Shaw's 90th-minute strike.

Darren McGregor almost won it for Hibs with the final act of the game.

The Hibs captain headed just wide from a corner. Tw*t!

 

Dumbarton vs Dundee Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Dumbarton 3 Dundee United 2

Boo!

Calum Gallagher tucked away a cross to open the scoring but Celtic loanee Anthony Ralston headed United level.

Craig Barr rose highest to head home a corner before Scott McDonald's finish again dragged Csaba Laszlo's side level.

McDonald thought he had scored again with a shot which was cleared on the line but another Barr header won it.

He scored the winner from a corner with 10 minutes to go.

 

Oh well. I didn’t expect The Grambler to do it two weeks on the trot. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Burton vs Derby - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Hull vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Middlesbrough vs Bristol C - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Nottingham For vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.27

 

Hmm. That is a little bit whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that there are six footballers currently still playing who have scored over 100 Premiershit goals and asked who is the youngest of these. If you answered Harry Kane, you would be right; he is, after all, only 24. You would also be right if you had answered Wean Rooney. Sorry pardon excuse me? You see, of the six holders of the 100 goals accolade currently still playing, Rooney was the youngest at the time he achieved the feat being only 24 years and 100 days. Harry Kane was 24 years and 191 days. And the bonus question? The youngest player to rack up 100 goals in the Premiershit was Michael Owen who was only 23 years and 134 days when he reached the milestone.

One for this week? What do Leyton Orient, Northampton Town, Carlisle United, Swindon Town and Barnsley have in common? One to start a discussion down the pub, methinks.

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Miss G. McKee for this week’s closing link. It shows an early tv role for Gina back in 1987. It may be dated, but it is still a clever piece of advertising.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday, 6 April 2018

Week 33 - The Grambler remembers Eric Bristow


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Let’s begin with a toon...

Sir Tom of Jones has been a star for well over 50 years. Not bad for a boyo from the valleys. Let’s have his very first hit...

 

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah, [This intro’s going on a bit. - Ed.]

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah, [I’m sure something should have happened by now. - Ed.]

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba ba Dah,

Ba Dabba Dabba Da...

 

‘It’s not unusual...’

 

‘Yes it is.’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

'What are you doing for a holiday this Easter?'

'I'd love to go to Benidorm, but it's so expensive when it's school holiday time.'

'I know, I'm the same. I wanted to go to Austria, but it's a terrible price.'

'Of course, there is a way round it and it won't cost us a penny. We wangle a couple of trips to cover ‘news’ items from somewhere hot and sunny... or Austria, if you prefer.'

That is a conversation between two Beeb Beeb Ceeb Scotland journalists that I absolutely, definitely, without a question of a doubt, actually overheard.*

You think not? Then, why else would the Beeb show the following two news items?

The first showed a young journo in sunny Benidorm, ostensibly (That's a good word; must look it up.) to interview Scots who had moved there about the effect Brexit would have on their lifestyle. My first question is... could anyone give a monkey's? It is a news programme, for goodness' sake; why should some ex pats' views on something that isn't happening for another year be considered worthy of broadcast? And why did the beeb send someone to a sunny holiday resort? If the item was necessary at all, the individuals could have Skyped their views in without a flipping reporter and cameraman being shipped out there.

The second news item concerned Brexit again. This time it was an item filmed in Edinburgh and was from a gin distillery which exports much of its produce. Again it was connected with the effect Brexit would have. At least this time it was a bit more relevant as it was aiming to pinpoint the changes that leaving the EU would have on this successful business.

Why was I bothered by this news item? I wasn't. Until the reporter's closing lines...

'Now the gin will be taken by road to Austria and tomorrow I will be there to see the next stage of its journey.'

Sorry pardon excuse me? Why? You've made your report, why do you have to provide a follow up as to where a lorry load of gin ends up?

Because of that opening discussion, that's why. It's a wee jolly. Nothing more. A free, all expenses paid, jolly!

The worst part?  They work for the British Broadcorping Casteration and who is paying for these little trips abroad?  Us. That's who. It's not right. Fair enough if it was a privately owned tv company that raises funds through advertising, but the beeb is financed by the public paying a licence fee. We pay to keep it going and every year there is a parliamentary debate about raising the licence fee by another few percent to 'maintain the high standard of programming'. Well, do you know what you can do Mr director general? [How can he stick a licence fee anywhere? - Ed.] No, not that. No Mr director general, you can flaming well stop sending reporters out on unnecessary jollies! And do you think they travel cattle... sorry... meant economy class on Ryanair? Of course not. I’ll wager they always turn left towards business/first class when they get onto an aircraft.

I’m a reasonable man, but...

 

*I didn't really.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As I write this week’s article, I have just heard of the death of the darts world’s most famous son (although Phil Taylor might have something to say about that), Eric Bristow aka the Crafty Cockney. When he first became noticed some 40 years ago, darts really wasn’t deemed to be a sport as such; it was treated more as the sort of pastime men would play in the pub. It was about this time that tv began covering the various big darts championships and the ‘sport’ of darts became noticed. Eric Bristow became one of the fledgling sport’s first heroes. My favourite memory? As always with The Grambler, it is a bit off the wall. It was when Bristow won the world championship...

BBC commentator Sid Waddell (who could use some pretty way-out comparisons) couldn’t contain himself...

‘When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer … [Eric] Bristow's only 27.’

Let’s just put that into context, shall we? Alexander the Great conquered the world; Eric Bristow won a game of darts.
 
Eric Bristow overthrowing Persian King Darius III
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 7th of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. William Wordsworth 1770 (Poety bloke. I reckon he was on something when he wrote about wandering about like a cloud and thinking a crowd is a bunch of daffodils... something like that, anyway. [I think you’re on something. - Ed.]), Will Keith Kellogg 1860 (Will Keith Kellogg what? Inventor of lazy breakfasts.), Walter Winchell 1897 (Gossipmonger.), Percy Faith 1908 (Composer and orchestrator [Why are my eyes watering? - Ed.]. Have a clip. Apparently, this was number one in the 1960 hot 100... Theme from A Summer Place.  If that was hot, what were the rest like?), Eleanora Fagan 1915 (Who? Oh, Billie Holliday. Aka Lady Day. Another clip? Here is an apt song on the 50th anniversary of the killing of Martin Luther - Strange Fruit.), Ravi Shankar 1920 (Sitarist and rhyming slang. A clip? Who’d have thought Bing Crosby was a fan?), James Garner 1928 (Laid-back actor.), Andrew Sachs 1930 (Ectaw. Not from Barcelona.), Wayne Rogers 1933 (Actor. Trapper John.), Ian Richardson 1934 (Ectaw. As Francis Urquhart famously said...), Freddie Hubbard 1938 (Trumpeter. Have some jehhhzzz.), Francis Ford Coppola 1939 (Film director. Factoid: Godfather II of 1974 was the first sequel to win the best picture Oscar.), David Frost 1939 (Media personality, journalist, writer and comedian, it says here.), Peter Fluck 1941 (Puppet maker and illustrator.), Gorden Kaye 1941 (Actor. Starred in the hilarious, it says here, Allo Allo.), Mick Abrahams 1943 (Geetarist. Here is a bit of Blodwyn Pig.), Dennis Amiss 1943 (Crickety bloke.), Gerhard Schröder 1944 (German Chancellor.), Gerry Cottle 1945 (Circus owner.), Martyn Lewis 1945 (Newsreader.), Florian Schneider 1947 (A bit of Kraftwerk. Another clip coming up.  Beep beep.), John Oates 1948 (Daryl Hall’s sidekick. Here’s another clip. Ever wondered why he didn’t sing much?  Wonder no more.), Bruce Gary 1951 (Drummer. Here’s his most famous toon. All together now.  Ooh my little pretty one...), Janis Ian 1951 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s perhaps her most well-known song... At Seventeen.), Jackie Chan 1954 (Kicky, martial arty type bloke.), Russell Crowe 1964 (Ectaw. ‘There’s nothing like sitting back and talking to your cows.’ Wise words there, mate.), Tim Peake 1972 (Spaceman.), Duncan James 1978 (A bit of Blue, now an ectaw. A clip? Here’s Too Close.), Franck Ribery 1983 (Homme de football.) and Humza Yousaf 1985 (Politician.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. It really did. Honest. Nae kidding. I know; I’m as shocked as you. £8.17 back from a stake of £2.20. Worth a woo hoo? Definitely. Woo hoo! What happened? Read on...

 

Newcastle vs Huddersfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Newcastle 1 Huddersfield 0

A great big YAY!

Matt Ritchie was denied one-on-one by Huddersfield keeper Jonas Lossl before Dwight Gayle saw his lob drop just wide of the post.

It looked like Huddersfield would hold on for an important (and rare) point until Ayoze Perez turned home Kenedy's smart cross in the final few minutes to secure the win for Newcastle.

 

Aberdeen vs St. Johnstone - Prediction Home win

Result - Aberdeen 4 St. Johnstone 1

An even bigger YAY!

Ryan Christie rounded Saints goalkeeper Alan Mannus to slot home the first, then turned provider when he slipped through Stevie May to score.

Greg Stewart tapped in Shay Logan's goal-bound effort to make it three, before Matty Willock nodded in a St Johnstone consolation.

Stewart got his second of the day when he hammered a shot into the far corner.

 

Hibernian vs Partick - Prediction Home win

Result - Hibernian 2 Partick Thistle 0

WOO HOO!

The visitors thought they had taken the lead when Conor Sammon's header was saved, but Miles Storey's intervention led to the assistant's flag.

Within seconds they were behind when Jamie Maclaren turned in Martin Boyle's cross at the near post.

Paul Hanlon headed in Scott Allan's cross, before Danny Devine was sent off for Thistle after a second yellow card.

 

Kilmarnock vs Hamilton - Prediction Home win

Result - Kilmarnock 2 Hamilton 0

YIPPEE!

Ex-Motherwell man Lee Erwin's stylish turn and shot put Killie in front early on.

Stephen O'Donnell was credited with the hosts' second goal after his ball into the box found its way into the net via team-mate Gary Dicker.

Goalkeeper Gary Woods denied Kris Boyd a third for Kilmarnock and Jamie MacDonald saved well from Hamilton's Georgios Sarris and Xavier Tomas.

 

Montrose vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Home win

Result - Montrose 3 Edinburgh 0

HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! etc.

Match report? Sorry, no.

A terrific week for The Grambler. Can he/she/it make history by predicting all five matches correctly two weeks in a row? [Don’t ask such daft questions. - Ed.] Here are this week’s games...

Game - Result - Odds

Sheffield Wed vs Fulham - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Yeovil vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Partick vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Away win - 5/4

Ross County vs Hibs - Prediction Away win - Evens

Dumbarton vs Dundee Utd - Prediction Away win - 4/6

Uh oh, The Grambler has selected all away results; I predict trouble. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£12.08

 

Hmm. That is quite whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which player has scored premiershit hat tricks on two occasions but was on the losing side both times. The answer was Guernsey’s greatest export (after butter and flowers), Matt le Tissier. The first occasion was in 1993 when Southampton visited Oldham (Yep, they really were in the Premiershit.) and were beaten 4 - 3. The second time it happened was two years later when Nottingham Forest visited and beat Southampton by 4 - 3.

One for this week? How about this? There are six footballers currently still playing who have scored over 100 Premiershit goals - who is the youngest of these? Have a bonus question. Who was the youngest ever player to rack up 100 goals in the Premiershit? Hmm... One to start a wee discussion in the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to the ladies known collectively as Fascinating Aida. You may recall an item I included many moons ago called Cheap Flights. This week’s topic reminded me of a song they performed in the aftermath of Brexit. For your finishing clip of the week, ladeez and gennulum, please enjoy So Sorry Scotland.

WARNING: THIS SONG CONTAINS SOME VERY UNLADYLIKE EXPRESSIONS. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY BAD LANGUAGE, WHY THE **** ARE YOU READING THIS?

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 31 March 2018

Week 32 - Mo Salah grambling down the wing


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Before I begin this week’s fun and frolics, I would just like to take a few moments of your time to remember the founder of this wonderful blog. Stewart should, had he been given a better chance at life, have been celebrating his 33rd birthday this Wednesday, the 4th of April. He was just 26 when he was was diagnosed with a disease that doctors tell us affects only older people. He was only 28 when he died from that same disease that doctors tell us affects only older people.

Life is unfair. Do doctors tell us that?

Every day we think of you Stewart.

Okay, let’s continue with the usual nonsense and I think Stewart would have appreciated this week’s edition...

 

Hu!

Sorry pardon excuse me?

Hu!

It's a football chant that has echoed round Fir Park (the home of the magnificent Motherwell) for a number of years. It is a simple shout of one syllable repeated every couple of seconds. It has no meaning but it creates a great atmosphere at the game.

If you watched Iceland playing in the European championships a couple of years back, you may recall that the Icelandic fans made it quite famous.

At the time, commentators thought it something quite original until one pointed out that he had heard it at Fir Park long before the Iceland Vikings adopted it. I think it might have been Terry Butcher (a Motherwell manager from a few years back) who recalled it.

Why am I mentioning this? Well, Iceland have qualified for the world cup finals for the first time in the country's history and Icelandic cartoonist, Hugleikur Dagsson [I'm sorry? Hug like a dachshund? - Ed.], has tried to cash in on the Iceland fans' chant by producing a tee shirt which simply has the word 'hu' printed on it.

Am I annoyed that he is cashing in on something that was borrowed from Motherwell fans? Perish the thought! It is only a word, after all. And he does acknowledge that it was a word first used by Vikings in Scotland, although I've never heard Motherwell fans described as Vikings before.

However, there has been a complaint about his use of the word; it seems that it is an Icelandic trademark and he has been told to destroy the shirts.

What nonsense. Whether the word is a trademark or not, why is anyone complaining? If it is the name of a product, then, surely, it's use can only give it some free publicity. Where's the problem with that? And don't call me Shirley.

It is always nice to hear a new chant. It can be a bit tedious hearing the name of anyone whose name comprises four syllables sung to the tune of Guantanamera, as in 'There's only one (insert name of choice)'. [Insert name of choice? That's five syllables. Doesn't work. - Ed.] Ahem... That is, if it is a player who is liked; if the crowd don't like someone, and he has a four syllable name, the tune from the hallelujah chorus is sung with words suggesting that he enjoys sex but doesn't have a partner.

How did such chants begin in the world of football? We all know that various teams' support had their own club song which was sung before, but not during, the match; West Ham fans singing I'm forever blowing bubbles is one that comes to mind. However, actually singing well-known songs with lyrics relating to the teams (or referee) on the pitch throughout the match is a fairly recent thing. If you can call 1962 recent, that seems to be the starting point. Apparently, Liverpyool fans began singing current songs with their own lyrics back then.

So, did Anfield's finest simply spontaneously burst into song one Saturday afternoon back in 1962? No. They had copied the idea from the Brazilian fans they had seen on the televised world cup of that year. History doesn’t tell us where they got it from. Still, as far as British footy goes, Liverpyool fans get the credit for starting footy chants. It may be down to the inherent (That's a good word; must look it up.) Scouse humour, but they certainly seem adept at producing chants about their favorites. A new (non racist) chant has just been 'written' for Mo Salah, currently the top scorer in the premiershit. It is sung to the tune of Sit Down by James...

Mo Salah, Mo Salah,
Running down the wing.
Salah la la la la la la la la la
Egyptian king.

I think that is great, and so does Mo, incidentally.

I began this week's (g)ramble with a mention of my own team Motherwell. We have a group of supporters who are constantly coming up with new songs and chants. Often, like 'hu' there is just the one word repeated over and over. In a past (g)ramble, I've mentioned our old captain (now assistant manager) Keith Lasley, whose chant was simply the repetition of 'Keef!'

Earlier this season we had goalscoring machine Louis Moult in the side and every time he scored, in spite of the sound engineer's insistence that Louis Louis should be played over the tannoy, the crowd would sing their own rendition of the old Spandau Ballet song Gold with suitable lyric amendments.

Incidentally, Preston North End, Louis' new employers, have you thought of actually playing him in your first team from the off instead of bringing him on as a sub when you are already two goals down? Perhaps you'll win a few more games.

Any road up, the Moult song is no longer used and the fans haven't come up with a toon for our new number nine, Curtis Main. Not yet. They have, however, come up with a one word chant for our defender Cedric Kipre and it's rather good. Do you remember the theme tune for the old Gerry Anderson puppet show Stingray? Just think of that song with Kipre replacing the word Stingray. Inspired, or what?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

You may have noticed that there was no edition last week. You didn’t? Well, there wasn’t one. However, I wouldn’t want to miss out on the birthday honours and all the wonderful clips so, ladeez and genullum, here (one week late) are the birthdays of famous folk born on the 24th of March... well, the ones I’ve heard of. William Morris 1834 (Painter and decorator.), Harry Houdini 1874 (Famous illusionist and escape artist. For many years, he was the highest paid stage performer in America.), Roscoe ‘Fatty’ Arbuckle 1887 (Actor, comedian, director and screenwriter. Talking of highly paid performers, Arbuckle was one of the highest paid stars of the silent era; in 1920 he signed a contract for $1 million, equivalent to something like $14 million today. Between 1921 and 1922 he was tried for rape and manslaughter in a highly publicised case. Although he was acquitted, his career was effectively ended.), Ub Iwerks 1901 (Cartoonist. Credited with co-creating Mickey Mouse.), Malcolm Muggeridge 1903 (Constipated journalist.), Richard Conte 1910 (Ectaw. A just man.), Joseph Barbera 1911 (Cartoonist. Created a few memorable characters... Have a clip.  Yabba dabba doo!), Gene Nelson 1920 (Ectaw.), Dario Fo 1926 (Actor, playwright, comedian, singer, theatre director, stage designer, songwriter, painter, political campaigner and recipient of the Nobel prize for literature... in fact, a right old clever clogs.), Steve McQueen 1930 (The Cooler King.), Don Covay 1936 (Singer and songwriter. Time for another clip. Here’s It's Better to Have (and don't need).), David Irving 1938 (Discredited author.), Patrick Malahide 1945 (Ectaw. Balon Greyjoy.), Alan Sugar 1947 (Bully.), Ruud Krol 1949 (Voetballer.), Nick Lowe 1949 (Musician who enjoys odd noises... Have a clip.), Tommy Hilfiger 1951 (Tailor.), Dougie Thomson 1951 (A bit of Supertramp. Another clip? Here’s Supertramp giving us some doo-wop with My Kind of Lady. Is that Still Game’s Bobby the barman on drums?), Kelly LeBrock 1960 (Clothes horse.), Gabriele Kerner 1960 (Singer. Better known as Nena. Here’s that song in its original form.), Dean Jones 1961 (Strine crickuddy blike.), Mark Calaway 1965 (Wrestly bloke. Known as The Undertaker.), Sharon Corr 1970 (Violiny Corr. Time for another clip. Here’s Runaway.), Christophe Dugarry 1972 (Footballeur.), Jim Parsons 1973 (Actor. Sheldon Cooper.) and Ramires 1987 (Jogador de futebol.).

Okay, that brings us up to date. Time for this week’s birthday folk.

Were any famous or notorious folk born on March the 31st? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Rene Descaretes 1596 (Philosopher and mathematician. Famously said, ‘Cogito ergo sum.’ No idea who Cogito was, but it sounds like she was a bit of a girl.), Johan Sebastian Bach 1685 (Moderately famous composer. Here’s a rather well-known piece. Hypnotic video, don't you think?), Joseph Haydn 1732 (Another moderately famous composer. Another clip? Well, that was a surprise.), Nikolai Gogol 1809 (Writer. Invented the search engine.), Sergei Diaghilev 1872 (Founder of the Ballets Russes.), Jack Johnson 1878 (Boxy bloke. Known as the Galveston Giant.), Robert Stevenson 1905 (Film director. Directed Murry Pappins, that one with the Andrews sisters and Virgil van Dijk.), Patrick Magee 1922 (Ectaw. Mr Alexander... An obscure Clockwork Orange reference there.), John Fowles 1926 (Orfer. He did The French Leiutenant’s Woman. [I say, steady on. - Ed.]), William Daniels 1927 (Ectaw. Most famous role? The voice of KITT in Knight Rider.), Richard Chamberlain 1934 (Ectaw. Played Dr Kildare in, wait for it, 191 episodes.), Shirley Jones 1934 (Actress and singer. David Cassidy’s mum. Here she is in Ohhhh...klahoma!), John D. Loudermilk 1934 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s a nice little ditty. All together now.  Doot n doo doo, doot n doo doo doo doo...), Herb Alpert 1935 (Trumpeter. Do you remember a dreadful James Bond film from the sixties called Casino Royale? It was utter tosh from start to finish. Here is the only decent thing about it... Herb's theme toon.), Karl-Heinz Schnellinger 1939 (Footy bloke. Known as the Volkswagen.), Christopher Walken 1943 (Ectaw.), Mick Ralphs 1944 (A bit of Mott the Oople and Bad Company. He wrote this, you know.), Al Gore 1947 (A vice-president.), Rhea Perlmann 1948 (Ectress. Appeared in, wait for it, 275 episodes of Cheers. Take that, Chamberpot!), Angus Young 1955 (Geetarist with AC/DC. A clip? Certainly. Here is a red velour-clad Angus taking centre stage in Heatseeker.), Roger Black 1966 (Runny bloke.), Martin Atkinson 1971 (Footy referee. All together now... Martin Atkinson, you’re a... Oh. Too many syllables.), Ewen McGregor 1971 (Ectaw. He looks nothing like Alec Guinness.) and Graeme Smith 1976 (Swimmy bloke.).

 
.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It didn’t. There was no bet. Remember? What about the week before, then? It won. It actually gave us a profit. £3.27 back from a stake of £2.20. Worth a woo hoo? Perhaps not. What happened? Read on...

 

Northampton vs Rotherham - Prediction Away win

Result - Northampton 0 Rotherham 3

Yay!

Rotherham were on top from the word go and took the lead after 18 minutes when the home side failed to deal with Will Vaulks' long free-kick and Michael Smith was left unmarked to shoot into the bottom corner.

Only a superb save by Richard O'Donnell prevented Ritchie ‘Bath’ Towell from adding a quick second before he also denied David Ball.

Northampton had to wait until 55 minutes for their first shot when Hildeberto Pereira's low drive was held by Marek Rodak, but Rotherham were soon two to the good.

Ball found the net from 12 yards after the Cobblers defence had failed to clear and Rotherham's victory was completed by Towell, who finished off a fine move by placing Anthony Forde's pass into the corner.

 

Brechin vs Dumbarton - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 1 Dumbarton 3

Yay!

Dimitris Froxylias provided three assists as Dumbarton earned a precious win over Brechin City.

Calum Gallagher was the first to turn in one of the Cypriot's corners in the 10th minute, before Sean Crighton sent another into his own net.

A fine curling free-kick from Craig Storie got Brechin off the mark.

But just before the break yet another Froxylias corner caused chaos and Danny Handling bundled the ball home.

Dumbarton might have had a fourthgoal in the second half when Andrew Stirling rounded goalkeeper Patrick O'Neil and pulled back for Stuart Carswell, who could not finish.

 

Albion vs Arbroath - Prediction Away win

Result - Albion 1 Arbroath 2

Yay!

Match report? No chance.

Berwick vs Stenhousemuir - Prediction Away win

Machine postponed

Shame!

Montrose vs Peterhead - Prediction Away win

Result - Montrose 3 Peterhead 2

Boo!

Match report? I should cocoa.

 

Oh well, at least we made a wee profit and presumably got 20 pees back for that Berwick game being postponed. What has The Grambler come up with this week? Unfortunately, thanks to this being Easter weekend, the fixtures are all over the shop, so we have a rather lop-sided looking selection.

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Huddersfield - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Aberdeen vs St. Johnstone - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Hibernian vs Partick - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Kilmarnock vs Hamilton - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Montrose vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£8.15

 

If I were to think of a single word to describe that total, whopping wouldn’t be it.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Premiershit club has had the most managers in the Premier League era. The answer is Newcastle United with 22 managers since the league started. Do you want to be reminded who they were? No? Tough, I’m going to list them, anyway.

Kevin Keegan 5/2/92 to 8/1/97

Terry McDermott 8/1/97 to 14/1/97

Kenny Dalglish 14/1/97 to 27/8/98

Ruud Gullit 27/8/98 to 28/8/99

Steve Clarke 28/8/99 to 2/9/99

Bobby Robson 2/9/99 to 30/8/04

John Carver 30/8/04 to 13/9/04

Graeme Souness 13/9/04 to 2/2/06

Glenn Roeder 2/2/06 to 6/5/07

Nigel Pearson 6/5/07 to 15/5/07

Sam Allardyce 15/5/07 to 9/1/08

Nigel Pearson (again) 9/1/08 to 16/1/08

Kevin Keegan (again) 16/1/08 to 4/9/08

Chris Hughton 4/9/08 to 28/9/08

Joe Kinnear 28/9/08 to 7/2/09

Chris Hughton (again) 7/2/09 to 1/4/09

Alan Shearer 1/4/09 to 24/5/09

Chris Hughton (yet again) 24/5/09 to 6/12/10

Alan Pardew 9/12/10 to 30/12/14

John Carver 30/12/14 to 9/6/15

Steve McClaren 10/6/15 to 11/3/16

Rafael Benitez 11/3/16 to....

Incidentally, Tottenham Hotspur are in second place pop pickers with 21 managers and Chelsea are in third spot with 20. Not arf!

One for this week? Another Premiershit one? Why not. Which player has scored premiershit hat tricks on two occasions but was on the losing side both times? A goodun, methinks.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. J. Barbera (who was mentioned in the belated birthday honours) and to his sidekick one W. Hanna who provide us with this week’s concluding clip. You have already been treated to the opening and closing credits to, possibly, their most successful creation, The Flintstones (although a certain animated great dane might wish to argue the point). Long before the likes of stone age families and dogs which think they are human were created, Hanna and Barbera gave us a cartoon double act which, I believe, was streets ahead of anything they came up after it. The inspiration for so many other animated series, the Tom and Jerry shorts that Hanna and Barbera made for MGM are still classics of the type.

So to finish, ladeez and genullum, I give you a clip from a film made in 1945, Anchors Aweigh. It used to be shown regularly when I were a nipper and I can remember nothing about it save for one short live action/animated sequence which simply transfixed me. As a kid, I thought it was magic. It is a song and dance routine with Gene Kelly and Jerry Mouse. I do hope you enjoy it.  Just how camp did Gene Kelly look in that costume?

 
Trust me, Gene, you look really butch.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.