Saturday, 17 February 2018

Week 27 - Happy Grambleday to Dame Edna Everage


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

How about a song to begin?

 

Who remembers Jimmy Ruffin? Over 50 years ago he had his one and only hit; a song that is now recognised as a Motown classic...

 

‘As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion...
What becomes of the broken-hearted?’

 

‘Erm... Triple bypass?’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

My local petrol station is currently running a promotion to encourage motorists to use their expensive super duper fuel. It costs 10 pees per litre more than the standard petrol but the claim is that your car will achieve more miles per tank full.

The carrot they dangle before you is a voucher that gives you 500 extra Nectar points whenever you use this posh fuel. Enough to buy a jar of honey.*
For those of you who have never heard of Nectar points, it is basically giving you back half a penny for every pound you spend. One point = half a pee. Woo! So, that voucher is worth
£2.50. Now, on a 50 litre tank full costing over 60 quid, that doesn't seem such a great incentive. However, I have devised a way to make it really worthwhile... if you have got the nerve to do it... and a lot of time to spare.

Apparently, you only need to put in the minimum amount stipulated on the pump to get your voucher. You only get the voucher if you buy the standard petrol. So here is the way to make an easy tenner...

Drive to petrol station with the fuel tank as empty as possible. Put five litres of standard petrol (That's the minimum allowed) into the tank and go to the pay desk to pay for the fuel. As you are paying, a voucher is spewed out of the till. Then go back to the car and put in five litres of super duper fuel. Pay for the fuel and redeem the voucher. Then go back to the car and put in another five litres of standard fuel. Pay. Receive voucher. Back to car. Posh fuel, five litres. Pay. Redeem voucher...

Do you get the picture? Do this five times and you have received a cool 2500 nectar points worth £12.50. Yay!

Hang on, I hear you say, you said a tenner. Absolutely right. It costs an extra £2.50 for the posh petrol... 10 pees per litre more, remember.

Of course, such a scheme is not without flaws. However do you mean, I hear you ask. Well, if the petrol station is busy, there will probably be somebody behind you waiting to use the pump. They wouldn’t take too kindly to somebody taking about an hour to fill their fuel tank.

Did I have the brass neck to actually get my tenner’s worth of Nectar points? Would you chance the possibility that an irate driver might threaten to stick your head in the litter bin? Or offer to stick the fuel nozzle somewhere other than the car’s fuel filler? No? Nor me.

* Acknowledgment to Lee Mack for the honey gag.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 17th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Tommy Edwards 1922 (Who? He’s a singer. You may not know the name, but you might know this song.  All together now... Many a tear has to fall.), Ron Goodwin 1925 (Composer. Here’s something you should recognise Bally Jerry pranged his kite... etc.), Patricia Routledge 1929 (Ectress. Hyacinth Bucket.), Ruth Rendell 1930 (Orfer.), Alan Bates 1934 (Ectaw. ‘He’s not Jesus. He’s just a fella.’), Barry Humphries 1934 (Aka Dame Edna Everage.), Jim Brown 1936 (Murcan footy bloke and ectaw. Butch Meathook in Small Soldiers.), Gene Pitney 1940 (Singer/songwriter. Time for another clip? Here he is with his only number one ever number one which was shared with Marc Almond.  All together now...Something's gotten hold of my heart.), Julia McKenzie 1941 (Ectress. Hester Fields.), Brenda Fricker 1945 (Ectress. The first Irish actress to win a Noscar... for her left foot, apparently.), Rickey Medlocke 1950 (Musician. First came to prominence as drummer and backing vocalist with Lynyrd Skynyrd. Later became frontman with Blackfoot. Later still, he rejoined Skynyrd; this time as guitarist. Here he is on drums and backing vocals on Wun Mo Tahhm.), Angela Eagle 1961 (Politician. Not a real eagle.), Maria Eagle 1961 (Ditto. Did I tell you they were twins?), Lou Diamond Phillips 1962 (Ectaw. Played Richie Valens in La Bamba. Want a clip? Tough. He’s only an actor.), Michael Jordan 1963 (Basebally bloke.), Taylor Hawkins 1972 (A fighter of foo. A clip? Why not? Here’s Lemmy driving a white limo.), Rory Kinnear 1978 (Ectaw. Son of Roy. Friend of Count Arthur.), Paris Hilton 1981 (Clothes horse.), Ed Sheeran 1991 (Musician. Another clip, vicar? Here he is thinking out loud.) and Marc Marquez 1993 (Motorbike racey bloke.).
 
 
Da da da da... Da Da Daaaaa!!!


 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grappler,

Thank you so much for your clip of a Gene Pitney song. We are great fans and were trying to remember his hit song that was later recorded by the Partridge Family. Can you recall it?

Yours with fondness,

Lou King, Trudi Eislehoff.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Absolute rubbish. Not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 

Bolton vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Bolton 1 Fulham 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The visitors had been leading for almost an hour after Matt ‘On’ Targett opened the scoring with his first ever league goal after just four minutes.

They could have doubled their advantage soon after when Rui Fonte was denied when one-on-one with Wanderers keeper Ben Alnwick.

Aboubakar Kamara had a chance to make it 2-0 after the break but he failed to turn in Stefan Johansen's cross from five yards, but the hosts were level soon afterwards as Adam Le Fondre volleyed past Marcus Bettinelli from the edge of the box.

 

Bristol City vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win

Result - Bristol 3 Sunderland 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Sunderland came from 3-0 down to rescue a point at promotion hopefuls Bristol City.

The Robins, who have won just once in 2018, were three goals ahead inside 37 minutes as the Black Cats capitulated.

Aden Flint poked City in front before two close-range finishes from Famara Diedhiou prompted some away fans to leave Ashton Gate early.

But, after Josh Brownhill's own goal and Aiden McGeady's strike, Marlon Pack diverted into his own net for 3-3.

It capped an amazing final 20 minutes for Sunderland, whose supporters had greeted the half-time whistle with boos and chants of "you're not fit to wear the shirt" towards their own players.

 

Derby vs Norwich - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 1 Norwich 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

A Matej Vydra goal put the Rams ahead, the striker taking Ikechi Anya's pass and finding the far corner with a low shot.

The impressive Scott Carson kept Derby ahead at the break with a couple of fine stops, most notably to save Nelson Oliveira's spot-kick.

But the keeper could not repeat the feat to deny James Maddison from the spot.

 

Ipswich vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Ipswich 0 Burton 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The hosts failed to register a shot in a turgid first half, with neither keeper needing to make a save.

Former Ipswich striker Darren Bent could have broken the deadlock for the Brewers but saw his shot blocked by the legs of goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski.

Bialkowski was forced into another top save late on when he tipped Kyle McFadzean's near-post header over.

 

Middlesbrough vs Reading - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Reading 1

A half-hearted yay.

Adama Traore put the hosts ahead when he cut inside from the right and fired past Vito Mannone with his left foot.

Traore's powerful strike doubled the lead, but Chris Martin's shot pulled a goal back for Reading after the break.

Middlesbrough could have won by more, but Britt Assombalonga lifted a late penalty high and wide after Traore had been tripped by Dave Edwards.

 

Four ‘hit the bars’. How rubbish is that? Come on Grambler, you must try harder. What five games has he/she/it randomly predicted for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

QPR vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Doncaster vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win - 21/20

MK Dons vs Charlton - Prediction Away win - 5/4

Scunthorpe vs Northampton - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Carlisle vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win - 4/5

 

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.56

 

Uh oh. Too whopping for my liking.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club holds the record for the most Premier League goals scored in a season by a relegated club. The answer is Blackpool. When they were relegated in 2011, they scored 55 goals. Unfortunately, they also conceded 78 goals; more than any other Premiershit side that season.

What about a teaser for this week? Let’s stick with the English top flight. Many years earlier, when the First Division actually meant the first division, Blackpool were the worst performers when they conceded 125 goals. Why am I telling you this? The same year, a team recorded the highest number of goals ever scored in that division with 128 goals. And they didn’t even win the title! Can you name that team... without resorting to Googly?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Mr B. Humphries or should that be Dame E. Everage? It could even be Sir L. Patterson. To my mind, Barry Humphries is one of the greatest comedians ever. when he dresses as Edna Everage, it isn’t a drag act, he just is Dame Edna. There are probably people who watch ‘her’ and don’t realise it is a man they are watching.

He has a second character in Australia’s cultural attache, Sir Les Patterson. Where Dame Edna is refined, Sir Les is an oafish boor but, once again, Humphries just becomes the character. Oddly, the Ozzies are not too keen on this characterisation.  I wonder why. 

Let’s finish with a few quotes... you may be able to spot the ones attributable to Dame Edna.

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human.

I was born in Melbourne with a precious gift. Dame Nature stooped over my cot and gave me this gift. It was the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

There is no more terrible fate for a comedian than to be taken seriously.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I'm trying to think of a word to describe your outfit ...affordable.

The best jokes are often only understood by one other person.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more.

This double chin was grafted on to me, in Brazil. It belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. It was her left love handle.

Andrew Lloyd Webber doesn't need necessarily to be on camera does he? I think the old phantom could have lent him a mask or two... No I'm teasing, and he'd know if he's watching, which I hope he isn't.

I'm not racist. I love all races, particularly white people. You know, I even like Roman Catholics.

I'm better than Judi Dench, much much better and I'm afraid taller!

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security Twilight home in Australia.

My show is like an intimate conversation between two friends, one of whom is a lot more interesting than the other.

Frankly, lesbianism leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Michael Bolton has had nine hits this year… on his website.

When asked what she had bought Prince William and Kate Middleton as a wedding present: ‘A George Foreman grill… There’s going to be some exertion on that honeymoon. They might need a snack in the middle of the night.’

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Week 26 - An eerie moment for The Grambler


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

STOP PRESS

The big news story of the week is that Lord Lucan has been found. He has been hiding in the jungle in borneo since his disappearance in 1974. On being found, his first question was, ‘Have they caught Pat Phelan yet?’
 
A wee gag for fans of Coronation Street, there.  What do you mean, it wasn't funny?

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Before I begin this week’s (g)ramble, I should point out that it is a little poignant [Poignant? Isn’t he that Agatha Christie detective? - Ed.] and even a bit odd.

I would like to start by reminding you of the reason for this great and noble blog.

If you click on https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/geraldine-smith3 you will see the amount of money that we, Stewart’s family and friends, have raised for the Bobby Moore Fund. Almost 40 grand! Why do I point this out to you? Am I gloating as if to say, aren’t we wonderful? Definitely not. Although it is terrific that such a huge amount has been raised for bowel cancer research over the past four and a half years. Am I trying to get you to give to the fund? Not at all. Although, if you want to donate, don’t let me stop you.

No, the reason I am telling you about our Justgiving page is that, if you look down the list of donations, you might notice the occasional comment ‘Did a nostalgia presentation...’ Such presentations are my way of raising money for the fund. You don’t need to know the content of these daft slide shows other than the short piece I add at the end to explain to the watching audience why I spend my time doing these slightly silly presentations. It is a short slide show, set to music, showing famous people who have succumbed to cancer. The final face on the screen is that of Stewart and at that point I tell them his story and explain about our fundraising activities. Usually those in the audience are happy to donate a few coppers to the fund.

I did such a presentation on Tuesday. Whenever I do these talks, naturally I think about Stewart a lot. Every presentation is really done in his memory so I am thinking about him before, during and after it.

On Tuesday evening I went to Fir Park to watch the mighty ’Well beat Saint Johnstone. Yay! Stewart loved going to see Motherwell and it is now the time when I miss him most. I miss his comments during the game. I miss the discussions we had as we analysed the game on the way home. So, even though he isn’t there, I always wonder what he would be saying about the current Motherwell team. Would he be happy with the squad? Who would he single out as a star player? Would he still be grumbling about the shouty fan that sat (still sits) behind us?

I returned home after a long day; a day in which Stewart seemed to feature heavily, if only because I had been thinking about him so much.

It was then that something incredibly eerie happened. Regular readers of this august blog may remember an edition from way way back called Grambling with friends. It was about an on-line Scrabble-like game called Words with Friends. I still play this game. When I sat down late on Tuesday evening, I decided to play my ‘word’ in a game that I was currently playing. It was while playing my word that the eerie moment occurred. I played a word with five or six letters and my ‘letter rack’ filled up with new letters. What were they? S-T-E-A-W-R-T. I could not believe it. I spotted it immediately... SWATTER! 73 points. Just like that.

Of course, I am being facetious. Wasn’t that weird, though? If I were a superstitious type, I might call it a ‘sign’. But I’m not. So I won’t. There is no getting away from it, however. It was a creepy moment. There was definitely an odd sensation ran down my spine when I saw those letters appear on my rack. Spooky.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 10th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Samuel Plimsoll 1824 (Famous for the line bearing his name, not the running shoes.), Boris Pasternak 1890 (Poet and novelist.), Alan Hale 1892 (Ectaw. Casey Jones’ dad.), Jimmy Durante 1893 (Comedian, it says here.), Harold Macmillan 1894 (Supermac. You’ve never had it so good.), Bertolt Brecht 1898 (Dramatiker.), Lon Chaney Jr. 1906 (Ectaw. Chingachgook), Larry Adler 1914 (Famous for blowing his harmonica which is a good trick if you can do it.), Alex Comfort 1920 (Author. Famous for his Joy of Sex manual.), Danny Blanchflower 1926 (Oirish footy bloke.), Leontyne Price 1927 (Rerr chanter. A clip? Here’s the gospel hymn This Little Light of Mine.), Jerry Goldsmith 1929 (Composer famous for his film and TV scores. Another clip? Here’s the opening and closing credits from Dr. Kildare. Ahhh... little Jimmy survives.), Robert Wagner 1930 (Actor. Currently being questioned about the death of his wife, Natalie Wood, in 1981. Cue sick joke from the time... What kind of wood doesn’t float? No... I can’t do it.), Barrie Ingham 1931 (Ectaw. Hine.), Roberta Flack 1939 (Musician/singer. Here is her most famous toon, Killing Me Softly With His Song.  The song was written for Lori Leiberman by Norman Gimbal - with music by Charles Fox - after she told him about seeing a young singer perform. Who was this singer with the murderous voice? [I don’t think that is what is meant by the lyrics. - Ed.] None other than the man behind last week’s finishing clip, Don McLean... No, not the Brummie comedian.), Mary Rand 1940 (Runny bloke), Michael Apted 1941 (Director. Responsible for some TV classics. Who can forget P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang?), Nicholas Owen 1947 (TV presenter.), Nigel Olsson 1949 (Drummer/singer. Drummer with Elton John’s band. Here he is being backed by the Elton John band in 1974 with Only One Woman.), Mark Spitz 1950 (Swimmy bloke), Greg Norman 1955 (Golfy bloke.), Cliff Burton 1962 (Original bassist with Metallica. Would you like a bit of thrash? Here’s For Whom The Bell Tolls.), Laura Dern 1967 (Ectress.), Keeley Hawes 1976 (Ectress.), Andy Johnson 1981 (Footy bloke.) and Holly Willoughby 1981 (TV presenter.).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Crumbling,

We are writing in response to last week’s letter from Hugh Ree and Leigh Gottme. They asked you what the Kinks’ first number one record was; we would like to know what their follow-up to that song was. Can you help?

Yours with fondness,

Al Day and Oliver Knight.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? We won and lost. It was the usual story; we got a return on our bet, but still lost money. How much did we lose? The less than magnificent sum of one pee. That’s right, our £2.20 bet won us £2.19. What happened? Read on...

 

Derby vs Brentford - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 3 Brentford 0

Yay!

The Bees lost Sergi Canos to a straight red card after just 21 minutes for a dangerous tackle from behind on Marcus Olsson [Any relation to Nigel? - Ed.], before two goals in three minutes put Derby in complete control.

Tom Huddlestone scored from close range before Cameron Jerome fired in off the bar.

Matej Vydra converted a stoppage-time penalty after Sam Winnall was brought down.

 

Fulham vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win

Result - Fulham 2 Nottingham Forest 0

Yay!

The hosts started the stronger of the two sides, but Forest had the best first-half chance when Matty Cash's effort was saved by Marcus Bettinelli.

Joe Worrall headed against the post for the Reds after the break, while Ryan Sessegnon went close at the other end.

Fulham took the lead when Lucas Piazon fired in from 12 yards, before Stefan Johansen slotted in a second late on.

 

Charlton vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win

Result - Charlton 2 Oxford Utd. 3

Boo!

The home side took a 63rd-minute lead when the determined Tariqe Fosu pressured the visiting defence into a failed clearance.

Possession fell to Josh Magennis and as he lined up a shot he was brought down, but Ahmed Kashi controlled the loose ball, and in space from just inside the area calmly finished into the bottom left corner, beyond the diving Simon Eastwood.

Oxford's first goal, from James Henry, came 13 minutes later. When fellow substitute Malachi Napa played the ball across the area towards him, Henry chose to shoot when he could have passed and struck into the bottom left corner.

Jay Dasilva created Charlton's instant response, winning possession before crossing from the left wing towards Magennis who, from close range, required only a routine finish to restore the lead.

Charlton still appeared vulnerable at the back though, and in the 89th minute conceded to debutant Todd Kane, who powerfully struck from Ricardinho's cross to make it 2-2.

The winning goal, in the fourth minute of stoppage time, was Oxford's finest. Napa slid Isaac Buckley-Ricketts into a dangerous area, and after his pull-back to the impressive Ryan Ledson, the midfielder sidefooted in to secure all three points.

 

Peterborough vs Southend - Prediction Home win

Result - Peterborough 0 Southend 1

Boo!

Jason Demetriou fired in after just seven minutes after Peterborough goalkeeper Jonathan Bond caught the leg of Stephen McLaughlin inside the area.

Posh had a few good chances and would have levelled if Jack Marriott had taken either a decent headed chance or two one-on-one opportunities either side of half-time, with visiting goalkeeper Mark Oxley denying the striker on all three occasions.

Southend central defender John White was carried off on a stretcher after injuring himself while attempting a tackle on Marriott, and - soon afterwards - Simon Cox and McLaughlin both narrowly fired wide for the visitors, who held on for a win.

 

Accrington vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Accrington 3 Stevenage 2

Yay!

Stevenage took the lead when Matt Godden tucked the ball into the bottom corner of the net after latching on to a pass from Mark McKee.

The visitors made it 2-0 when Accrington failed to clear their lines and McKee fired home from the edge of the area on 38 minutes.

Winger Sean McConville started the fightback in first-half stoppage time from a 20-yard free-kick.

After the break, Stevenage were still a threat and Jack King hit the top of the crossbar.

But Stanley levelled with 20 minutes left with a short corner to Kee, and he turned and squeezed the ball home for his 18th goal of the season.

Stevenage hit the frame of the goal for a second time as substitute Danny Newton went close before the visitors failed to clear their lines and McConville lashed home the winner from 15 yards with 12 minutes left.

 

Three right, two totally wrong. Can The Grambler improve on that this week? [Nope. - Ed.]. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected.

Game - Result - Odds

Bolton vs Fulham - Prediction Away win - Evens

Bristol City vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Derby vs Norwich - Prediction Home win - 21/20

Ipswich vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Middlesbrough vs Reading - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.63

 

I’ve seen more whopping totals in my time.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who, in the 2015 Champions League, scored for Barcelona in both legs of the quarter-finals, in both legs of the semi-final and in the final. The answer was Neymar against Paris Saint Germain (ironically) in the quarters, Bayern Munich in the semis and Juventus in the final.

One for this week? Here’s a Premiershit question. Which club holds the record for the most Premier League goals scored in a season by a relegated club? Hmm.

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr M. Apted, one of this week’s birthday celebrants who directed a rather wonderful TV play back in 1970 that I thought you might enjoy. It was penned by one of Britain’s greatest comedy writers of the era, Jack Rosenthal. Director and writer often worked together on series such as The Lovers, which made stars of Paula Wilcox and Richard Beckinsale, as well as single plays including There’s a Hole in Your Dustbin, Delilah (which spawned the sitcom The Dustbinmen) and the aforementioned P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang. If you have got 50 minutes to spare, settle down with a nice cuppa and enjoy Another Sunday and Sweet F.A.
 
Another Corrie moment - That's Anne Kirkbride
(Deirdre) on the right aged 17
 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday, 2 February 2018

Week 25 - The Grambler on the day the music died


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

How about a song?

 

Reg Dwight aka Sir Elton of John has given us some cracking songs over the years. Here’s his very first hit, Your Song...

 

‘It’s a little bit funny...’

 

‘Yes, well just drop your trousers, Mr John and we’ll have a look. Yes, you’re right, it is rather unusual... Are those teeth marks?’

 

 

 

Fancy him having teeth marks on his knee...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

That was quite an apt start, because this week’s (g)ramble concerns Britain’s health service.

What has the Beeb Beeb Ceeb got against the National Health Service? I ask because, for about a fortnight, every news broadcast began with another story about the (alleged) appalling state of the NHS.

First up was the fact that waiting times in Accident and Emergency Units were not being met. Another night, we were told that nurses were leaving the NHS in their droves because it was such a dreadful place to work. Then we had an item about people having to be left waiting in ambulances and on hospital trolleys because beds weren’t available. And so it went on night after night.

My question is - why? Why was it considered newsworthy to take a pop at the health system? Not just one pop, but several. Every aspect of the NHS seemed to be getting flak from the Beeb. To me, none of it was even news. The NHS is the largest employer in Britain; a huge organisation. It deals with masses of people on a daily basis. I don’t recall anything being said about the thousands of people who are perfectly satisfied with the way it works, so why should the business be subjected to all this negative reporting?

The Beeb Beeb Ceeb is often accused of left-wing bias; I believe that this constant knocking of the NHS is quite the opposite. It is very much biased towards right-wing conservatism. It has long been suggested by the Tories that the NHS needs a major overhaul. For major overhaul, read complete shutdown. They would like to see the US healthcare system being put in place. Basically, you get healthcare if you can afford to pay it yourself. The Beeb is surely providing ammunition for those that want to put an end to the NHS.

Actually, I wonder if, because the BBC had gone to all the trouble of setting up camera and sound crews in a hospital, they just made sure they got plenty of footage for a fortnight’s worth of news broadcasts... Or am I just being cynical? [You? As if! - Ed.]

There was even a slightly positive news item on a particular hospital. I say slightly, it was still pointing out how overworked nursing staff were in the hospital. This particular bulletin featured a hospital where clerical staff were helping nursing staff by doing some of their more menial duties. Isn’t that nice? But what does it tell us? Basically, the NHS has too many non-nursing staff members whose time could be utilised better than it is. Huzzah for common sense, says I.

Whenever I have to visit my local hospital, I have to go to two or three different reception areas before I get to the department I require. At each station, there are several receptionists; there never seem to be any queues. Some would suggest this proves the efficiency of the staff; to me it simply means overmanning. More often than not, the receptionist is sitting idle waiting for the next customer/patient.

So, well done to whoever realised that those staff could be better used elsewhere, when necessary.

Moving on, and changing the subject not quite entirely, Mrs G was watching a programme on TV recently [Really? How interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] about people who felt that they were were the wrong gender and wanted sex-change operations. I, being incredibly squeamish, decided not to watch the programme as it was showing a lot of actual surgery taking place. I could still hear some of the dialogue, though...

‘...Linda is pleased with her breast implants... The next stage of her transformation from being a man to being a woman is gender re-alignment [I think I understand what that means... The unkindest cut of all. - Ed.] and that will be done through the NHS.’

WHAT??? The NHS is supposed to be treating people who are ill! This person is definitely not ill... well, not physically, anyway. The NHS should not be allowing such operations to be taking place under its banner. If they are being carried out, the individuals undergoing this unnecessary surgery should be made to pay! The full fn cost and all!

And don’t even get me started on gastric bands.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 3rd of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Felix Mendelssohn 1809 (Composer. First clip coming up... It just has to be the Hebrides Overture.), Gertrude Stein 1874 (Novelist, poet and playwright. She wrote Q.E.D. which was about a lesbian love affair involving several of her friends. Brave stuff for 1903.), Norman Rockwell 1894 (Painter and illustrator. Famous for his pictures of everyday American life in the 20th century.), Douglas Douglas-Hamilton 1903 (Aviation pioneer. With D.F.McIntyre was the first to fly over Everest.), George Adamson 1906 (Baba ya Simba.), James A. Michener 1907 (Orfer. Wrote Tales of the South Pacific, which was used as the basis for Rodgers and Hammerstein’s South Pacific.), Joey Bishop 1918 (The Rat Pack member everyone forgets.), Henry Heimlich 1920 (Inventor of the manoeuvre which bears his name.), Shelley Berman 1925 (Comedian, it says here.), John Fiedler 1925 (Actor. Who? You might know him better as the voice of Winnie the Pooh in the early Disney films featuring the bear.), Kenneth Anger 1927 (Underground experimental filmmaker. Also an author; he wrote the scathing account Hollywood Babylon.), Victor Buono 1938 (Actor. Played Batman villain King Tut.), Michael Cimino 1939 (Film director. Famously made the moneypit known as Heaven’s Gate.), Blythe Danner 1943 (Actress. Izzy Huffstodt.), Eric Haydock 1943 (A Holly. Time for another clip methinks. Here’s Bus Stop.), Shawn Phillips 1943 (Musician. Another clip? Here’s a song called We.), Johnny Cymbal 1945 (Singer-songwriter and producer. Here’s a toon you might recognise... Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba etc.), Dave Davies (A Kink. Another clip? Here’s Dave with his solo hit Death of a Clown.), Morgan Fairchild 1950 (Actress. Jordan Roberts.), Nathan Lane 1956 (Actor. Max Bialystock.), Joachim Low 1960 (Coach for German footy team and Mark Steel impressionist.), Tim Flowers 1967 (Footy bloke.), Mixu Paatelainen 1967 (suomalainen jalkapalloilija.), Warwick Davis 1970 (Ectaw. Ewok Wicket.) and Jayne Middlemiss 1970 (Telly presen’er, laik.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Gruntfuttock,

Thanks for playing a track from Dave Davies of the Kinks. We have been great fans since their first number one record back in 1964. It’s hard to believe that Davies was only 16 years of age when he first gave us that terrific guitar riff on that first song. Here’s a teaser for you, what was that first hit called?

Yours quizzically,

Hugh Ree, Leigh Gottme.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? Well, since last week’s edition was printed incredibly late, the answer was given for you: £2.11 return from our £2.20 bet. A loss of nine pees. What happened? Read on...

 

 

 

Barnsley vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnsley 1 Fulham 3

Yay!

The Tykes led when Liam Lindsay turned in from a corner, but Fulham dominated after Dimitri Cavare's second booking for a push on Stefan Johansen.

Ryan Sessegnon fired in the rebound after Ryan Fredericks' shot came back off the post early in the second half.

Kevin McDonald stabbed in from close range to put Fulham ahead, before Sessegnon's second goal sealed the win.

 

Brentford vs Norwich - Prediction Home win

Result - Brentford 0 Norwich 1

Boo!

James Maddison's superb long-range strike was enough for Norwich to end Brentford's 13-game unbeaten home run.

Brentford had not lost at Griffin Park in the Championship since the opening day of the season, but Maddison's 30-yard effort put Norwich ahead early on.

Nelson Oliveira and Grant Hanley went close to making it 2-0 while Florian Jozefzoon (Definitely the winner of ‘Cracking name of the week’.), Yoann Barbet and Alan Judge all had efforts for the hosts.

 

Bristol City vs QPR - Prediction Home win

Result - Bristol City 2 QPR 0

Yay!

Bristol City scored twice with 10 men as they beat Queens Park Rangers.

City had Nathan Baker sent off for a late tackle on Josh Scowen after half an hour.

Famara Diedhiou put the 10-man Robins ahead just before half-time, glancing home Ryan Kent's corner.

Diedhiou set up the second as his saved shot was turned in by Joe Bryan.

 

Ipswich vs Wolves - Prediction Away win

Result - Ipswich 0 Wolves 1

Yay!

Full-back Matt Doherty headed in Barry Douglas' left-wing cross to give Wolves a deserved half-time lead.

Diogo Jota, Ruben Neves and left-back Douglas also went close for the visitors in the first period.

Jota had two more efforts saved by Ipswich goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski, while Martyn Waghorn shot into the side-netting for the hosts.

 

Portsmouth vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 0 Shrewsbury 1

Boo!

The visitors showed their intent in the opening moments when Abu ‘Einstein’ Ogogo headed just wide in the third minute.

And Shrewsbury took the lead in the 21st minute when Shaun Whalley's corner made its way through the Portsmouth area before being poked in at the back post by James Bolton.

Oliver Hawkins then had Pompey's best chance after he was picked out in the box by Gareth Evans, but he could not guide his header past Craig MacGillivray.

And the home side were left furious seconds later as referee David Coote waved their appeal for a penalty away when Whalley appeared to handle the ball in his own area.

Pompey went close throughout the second-half, with Brett Pitman firing the final chance wide in stoppage time after Adam May was dismissed for a second yellow.

 

Ho hum. Only three out of five correct and the other two not even close. Can The Grambler improve this week? [Nope. - Ed.] Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly chosen.

Game - Result - Odds

Derby vs Brentford - Prediction Home win - 5/4

Fulham vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Charlton vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Peterborough vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Accrington vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.09

 

Too whopping for my liking.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the only player, other than the sainted Lionel of Messi, to have scored five goals in a Champions League match. The answer was Luiz Adriano who was in the Shakhtar Donetsk side which beat BATE Borisov by seven goals to nil in 2014.

One for this week? Let’s stay with the Champions League. In the 2015 Champions League, who scored for Barcelona in both legs of the quarter-finals, both legs of the semi-final and the final? Easy peasy?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr D. McLean who provides us with a rather poignant end to this week’s proceedings. You see, the 3rd of February 1959 is the date that old Don McLean referred to as ‘the day the music died’. That was when Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Richie Valens perished in an air crash. I thought it apt, then, to finish this week with American Pie..

It is a song whose lyrics have bamboozled listeners for years. There have been web forums discussing their meaning since the invention of web forums. So what does the song American Pie mean? Perhaps the best person to ask is the writer, himself. Here’s Don...

‘When people ask me what American Pie means, I tell them it means I don’t ever have to work again if I don’t want to.’

I do like it when someone I thought was humourless proves to be the exact opposite. Here’s the song.
 

 
Don McLean
[You barmy pillock! That's the Brummie comic that
used to be on Crackerjack! - Ed.]
Oh yes...CRACKERJACK!
 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 27 January 2018

Week 24 - The Grambler and Banksy


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Shall we start this week’s edition with a song? Why not.

Here’s Tony Christie...

 

‘Sha la la la la la la la
Sha la la la la la la la
Sha la la la la la la la

When the day is dawnin'
On a Texas Sunday mornin'
How I long to be there
With Marie who's waitin' for me there
Ev'ry lonely city where I hang my hat
Ain't as half as pretty as where my baby's at

Is this the way to Amarillo?’

 

‘No.’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Here is a story from a wee while back that caught my eye. It is the heartwarming tale of two US sailors and their two pet dogs [So, should that be heartwarming tail? Geddit? Tail? Never mind. - Ed.]... ahem...who were rescued after spending five months adrift in their boat. It's nice to see a news story with a happy ending.
Apparently, they set off in May and shortly afterwards, bad weather damaged the boat's engine. The sailors thought that if they allowed the boat to drift they would soon reach land. That didn't happen, obviously, and five months later they were found drifting 1500km southeast of Japan.
Several things bother me about this story. They set off from Hawaii headed for Tahiti; a distance of over 2600 miles. In mixed sailing conditions, a small yacht can cover the journey in around 25 to 30 days. It is strange, then, that it was only after two months, long after our dozy duo were due to arrive in Tahiti, that they began sending distress signals. Excuse me? They drifted for two months before thinking, do you know what, it might be a good idea to seek a bit of help? Also, why did nobody on Tahiti or Hawaii contact the rescue services when the women failed to arrive? Did these simpleton sailors just set off across the biggest ocean in the world without telling anyone they were going? How mental is that?
But do you know what really intrigued me about the whole episode? In the news article which I read, there is a picture of the ladies and their canine companions being rescued from their yacht. You read that correctly. Yacht. In the picture, it is quite clear that there is a sail furled up. Now, call me Mr Thicky, but if I had been in their position, stranded at sea, with no engine, I reckon I would consider another option... like putting the fn sail up.

Or am I missing something here?

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Another, more recent, news item has caught my eye (and ire). The picture you see is a piece of Banksy grafitti on a disused Hull bridge. Now, Banksy is my favourite artist and I am really a bit... no, a lot... annoyed that someone has dared to suggest that his work is not ‘real art’. Excuse me? His amusing grafitti images are more deserving of the term art than a pile of bricks or a fn unmade bed! Worse, the man who made the statement is a councillor and he wants to have the image cleaned off. He claimed that grafitti of any kind should be removed.

I hope the people of Hull get together and carry out the removal... of the councillor.
 
 
An example of real art
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 27th of January? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Wolfgang Mozart 1756 (A bit of a composer, apparently. This is his idea of a musical joke.  Can you watch that without thinking of showjumping?), Charles Lutwidge Dodgson 1832 (Who? Better known by his pen name of Lewis Carroll. Wrote about Alice in Wonderland. Liked to spend a lot of his time with children. An odd character by all accounts. Funny he never married.), Edward Smith 1850 (Captain of the RMS Titanic.), Kaiser Wilhelm II 1859 (The first impetuous German leader of the 20th Century.), Harry Ruby 1895 (Composer and screenwriter. He wrote this song in 1923; here’s Connie Francis’ hit version of Who's Sorry Now.), Elmore James 1918 (The King of Slide Guitar. Here, he wants us to dust his broom... that sounds like a euphemism. [That’s like a tuba, isn’t it? - Ed.]), Helmut Zacharias 1920 (Composer. Here’s one of his compositions that sports fans of a certain age will recognise... Tokyo Melody.), Donna Reed 1921 (Ectress. Married to James Stewart, but only in It’s a Wonderful Life.), Brian Rix 1924 (Ectaw who couldn’t keep his trousers on.), Fritz Spiegl 1926 (Musician, journalist, broadcaster, humorist and professional Liverpudlian. Arranged and performed this well-known piece of music for use as the theme tune for a popular TV police series. Watch for a very young Judy Dench.), Michael Craig 1928 (Jobbing actor and scriptwriter.), Mohamed Al-Fayad 1929 (Shopkeeper.), Bobby ‘Blue’ Bland 1930 (Singer. Of the ‘Blues’. The clue is in the name. Here’s a sample... I'll Take Care of You), Troy Donahue 1936 (Ectaw.), Nick Mason 1944 (Drummer and petrolhead. Here’s a Pink Floyd track that features his deft touch... Time.), Mikhail Baryshnikov 1948 (Hoofer.), Seth Justman 1951 (Keyboard player in the J. Geils Band. Want a clip? It could only be one song.  All together now... Does she walk? Does she talk?), Alan Milburn 1958 (Politician.), Bridget Fonda 1964 (Ectress from Hollywood’s most famous acting dynasty.), Alan Cumming 1965 (Barry), Rosamund Pike 1979 (Ectress.) and Marat Safin 1980 (Tennisy bloke. Now a politician.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grimbling,

Wow! A track from my fave ever album, Dark Side of the Moon. Really far out and down to Earth, man. Yeah? You know where I’m coming from, man? I absolutely love that album, man. Whenever I hear it I am taken back to... I can’t remember, but I am taken back there anyway. Every track just sends me. Somewhere... Don’t know where. You know what I mean, man? Like, woo, man. I love them all from the first track, Speak to Me, to the last... I can’t remember what it’s called, man. Can you help?

Yours absentmindedly,

E. Clips.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? All right, actually. We made a profit. Really. We got a return of £2.57 from our £2.20 bet. 37 pees profit. [Whoop de fn doo. - Ed.] What happened? Read on...

 

 

Charlton vs Walsall - Prediction Home win

Result - Charlton 3 Walsall 1

Yay!

Joe Aribo's 31st-minute opener for the Addicks was cancelled out shortly before the break by Erhun Oztumer's equaliser.

Both sides hit the woodwork in an entertaining encounter, with Kory Roberts' untimely 73rd-minute own goal restoring Charlton's lead.

And the points were wrapped up in the final minute by Stephy Mavididi.

 

Oxford Utd vs Bury - Prediction Home win

Result - Oxford Utd 1 Bury 2

Boo!

James Henry had put Oxford in front the stroke of half-time. On-loan Manchester City winger Isaac Buckley-Ricketts won the ball to set up Dwight Tiendalli, whose low cross was turned in at the far post by Henry.

Bury were earlier unlucky when Peter Clarke's header from a Chris Maguire corner came back off the post.

And Zeli Ismail had strong appeals for a penalty turned down after he appeared to have been brought down by Tiendalli, but George Miller began the fightback as he poked the ball home with nine minutes remaining after a long throw was nodded on.

Three minutes later fellow substitute Harry Bunn seemed to have all the time in the world as he ran on to a long ball and slotted home under goalkeeper Simon Eastwood to secure the points.

 

Scunthorpe vs Gillingham - Prediction Home win

Result - Scunthorpe 1 Gillingham 3

Boo!

Lee Martin put the visitors ahead before Josh Morris levelled seven minutes after the restart, but goals from Josh Parker and Tom Eaves secured Gillingham's fifth win in seven games.

 

Accrington vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win

Result - Accrington 3 Port Vale 2

Yay!

Vale opened the scoring early on when Tom Pope headed home his 15th goal of the campaign from David Worrall's ball in from the right.

The visitors doubled their lead before the break when Michael Tonge's free-kick from the edge of the area went through a sea of bodies and into the bottom corner of Aaron Chapman's goal.

Stanley got a goal back early in the second half when Billy Kee flicked the ball back for Sean McConville and the winger struck from 10 yards.

Kee scored a controversial equaliser three minutes later from within the six-yard box after Kayden Jackson's initial strike was blocked.

Vale felt Kee had handled the ball over the line, but it was given and the striker celebrated his sixth goal in six games.

Vale should have been in front, but Chapman touched a Tom Anderson header onto the bar.

And McConville made them pay soon after with a fierce strike, set up once again by Kee.

All together now... Here comes a new craze...

 

Crewe vs Wycombe - Prediction Away win

Result - Crewe 2 Wycombe 3

Yay!

The high-flying Chairboys got off to the worst possible start when Nathan McGinley was adjudged to have tripped Charlie Kirk and (ex-Motherwell striker) Chris Porter beat keeper Scott Brown with an early penalty.

Luke O'Nien wasted a good chance when Crewe keeper Ben Garratt parried the ball to his feet, but the midfielder lifted his effort over.

Some sustained Crewe pressure ended with Eddie Nolan's thumping header flying a yard wide of the Chairboys' goal.

But the struggling Railwaymen looked resolute in defence, with Michael Raynes in excellent form until Adebayo Akinfenwa headed on Joe Jacobsen's free kick and Paris Cowan-Hall rifled a half-volley into the far corner with an hour gone.

Then Akinfenwa played a decisive presence in the box again, setting up Nathan Tyson for Wycombe's second from close range, with Crewe boss Dave Artell then sent to the stands for protesting.

Crewe substitute Harry McKirdy drove in the rebound after Ryan Wintle's shot was parried by Brown with two minutes left, but Craig Mackail-Smith poked home deep in stoppage time for Wycombe to take all the points.

 

Oh well. Two boos and three yays. Can The Grambler give us five Yays this week? Let’s see what he/she/it has predicted...

 

Game - Odds - Results

Barnsley vs Fulham - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Brentford vs Norwich - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Bristol City vs QPR - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Ipswich vs Wolves - Prediction Away win - 8/11

Portsmouth vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 5/4

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.45

 

Uh oh. Like last week, a bit too whopping.

STOP PRESS

As this edition is being published so late, I already have the results to hand. I’ll leave the details til next week. For now, I will tell you that this week’s winnings were £2.11 (9 pees lost).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which ex-Premiershit player is the only man to have scored, provided an assist, scored an own goal and then been sent off in a Premiershit game. The answer is Real Madrid’s very own Planet of the Apes star Gareth Bale when he played for Tottenham Hotspur.

One for this week? Let’s have a Champions League question. Only two players have scored five goals in a Champions League game. Lionel Messi was one, scoring five in Barcelona’s 7-1 defeat of Bayer Leverkusen back in 2011, but can you name the other player? Hmm...

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to Messrs V. McIlveney and B. McLeish who provide us with our concluding link. Who, I hear you ask. Victor and Barry, the Kelvinside alter egos of Forbes Masson and birthday celebrant Alan Cumming. Here is a short clip from their Edinburgh Fringe show of 1988. A little dated perhaps, but I do hope you enjoy Kelvinside Men .

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.