Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
Story Time
Once again, I must apologise for the lack of grambling activity over the past couple of weeks. The reason is all to do with the fact that Mrs G. and I were away for a few days. More of that later but, first, I would like you to come with me... to the bathroom. [Steady on. - Ed.]
Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, today’s story time concerns bathrooms and how they have changed over the years (and not always for the better).
I am not old enough to remember the days of living in a house that had no bathroom. I was, no doubt, a fortunate kid because there are many people still alive who can remember when, if you wanted a really good wash, you had to visit a public bath-house. It was either that, or a tin bath in front of the fire, shared by the whole family. Last in got the dirty water left by the previous users. Yeuch!
So, the first bathroom I can recall had an enameled cast iron bath, a porcelain toilet pedestal and sink, also on a pedestal. This suite of bathroom furniture was a glorious shade of... white.
So far, so boring. I recall visiting an old aunt who had moved into brand new bungalow and it had... wait for it... a lemon-coloured bathroom suite. Wow! That seemed the height of luxury to this six year-old child. It didn’t dawn on me at the time that, apart from the colour, it was exactly the same as our white furniture.
Nothing much happened to bathrooms for those of us living in a cooncil hoose, until Mrs Thatcher came up with an absolutely spiffing wheeze to save money... Flog all the cooncil hooses to the occupiers at a knock-down price. Result? Money to the treasury and the chance to cut down on cooncil... sorry, council staffing levels because all future repairs were the responsibility of the now owner-occupiers who would either do a bit of dodgy diy or pay the exorbitant fees demanded by artisans (quality or otherwise). Ha ha! Kerching!
I have to admit, I fell for it hook, line and sinker. What was the first job that needed doing in my newly purchased abode? The bathroom. Sadly, this all coincided with possibly the most bizarre trend ever to hit bathroom furniture... the coloured bathroom suite. Hang on, I hear you ask, didn’t you just mention a lemon-coloured bathroom suite? I did. However, this new trend was not for delicate pastel shades. Oh no. Who can forget the avocado-coloured bathroom suite? Or dirty green colour, as I prefered to call it. That colour seemed to epitomise the era when bathrooms were anything but white and, certainly, anything but light.
There were some truly awful colour choices available... even worse than avocado. My own redecorated bathroom featured a suite in a fairly subtle (for the time) shade of blue. Other people went a bit mad with their colour choices. The darker the shade, the better, it seemed. How about maroon? Or something between royal and navy blue? Don’t forget the many shades of grey, ranging from dark grey to almost black. Various green shades (other than the previously mentioned pear) were available. There were purples, cerises, mustards and more. The worst of the lot, to my eyes at least, was chocolate brown. So, let me get this straight... you sh** into a toilet that is the same colour as sh**. How do know if you’ve cleaned the thing properly?
After a time, darker shades disappeared from bathroom suppliers showrooms and lighter hues returned. So light, in fact, that such suppliers now stock one shade and only one shade... white.
There is something else that has changed. I am referring specifically to the bowl, pan, john, bog or whatever you like to call it.
For years a toilet bowl was the same shape that all such bathroom furniture had been made. It was of a sensible height to allow a person to sit on it comfortably. The hole on which you sat was an ovoid or egg shape. Keeping that shape on mind, you are all aware that the 'big end' of the egg was at the rear and the 'little end' was at the front... Thanks to Jonathan Swift for that analogy.
It is the perfect shape because it allows water to flush the inside of the bowl efficiently and it allows gentlemen to sit comfortably. You know what I mean. You do. Any other shape and there might be some serious bruising.
So why oh why oh why (Anyone else remember the standard intro of letters to Points of View?) has some 'genius' decided it is necessary to alter this perfect shape?
Several public toilets now feature a circular bowl. Yes, it is the perfect shape to flush but it's a horrible thing to sit on. Why? Well, for us gentlemen, there is a certain amount of crushing taking place even though the diameter of the bowl is greater than a bog standard ovoid. [A bog standard bog! Ha! - Ed.] That leads to other problems. Unless you are obese, you run the risk of falling in. Not designed for comfort, that's for sure. I reckon it is designed to discourage anyone from sitting too long.
My own bathroom toilet has an even dafter shape. Rectangular. How ridiculous is that? Why? Nobody's got a square bum. It isn't as uncomfortable as you might imagine. However, there are serious shortcomings in such a design. Cleaning. When you flush a standard toilet the water circulates around the rim. The word around is important here. The problem with the rectangular bowl is that water is not very good at turning corners. Thus, the sides seem to get cleaned, but the corners? Not too sure.
I tend to attack the bowl with a skoosh of Harpic and a toilet brush on a daily basis. It would appear to be the only sensible option.
Any road up, as I mentioned earlier, Mrs G and I recently went for a short hotel break. Before we left our house, the toilet got its usual pummelling and was liberally squirted with Harpic. When we returned home, the first few flushes of the toilet produced some rather grotty-looking black flakes of gunge. This stuff must have been present under the rim of the loo and had dried out over the few days we had been away. Nasty.
It brought home the message that perfection should not be tampered with. I have now taken to occasionally cleaning the toilet's awkward rim using good old-fashioned pipe cleaners. I have no idea if I am making a difference, but it makes me feel better.
The hotel break? The bathroom furniture was all quite new and, guess what, the bowl was of a sensible ovoid shape. Does this mean that toilet manufacturers have realised that the Victorians had got it right all along? I do hope so. Perhaps they could have a word with builders that think a flat roof is all right in a cold, wet climate.
You may be wondering what prompted this rant about... well, about things that shouldn't be changed. I spotted something else in that hotel bathroom that had never changed in all the years I have been staying in hotels. Ooh, whatever can it be, I hear you ask. This...*
*See ‘And Finally’
[You rotten so-and-so. - Ed.]
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Birthday honours...
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 6th of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.
John Paul Jones 1747 - Naval officer and not the bass player in Led Zeppelin.
Sebastian Cabot 1918 - Actor. Most famous to us Brits as a voice artist in a few of the old Disney classics. He was Bagheera in The Jungle Book and the narrator of the Winnie the Pooh films made between 1966 and 1977.
Alan Freeman 1927 - DJ and soap powder salesman.
Tony Lewis 1938 - Cricedwr.
Mary Peters 1939 - Pentathleticky bloke.
Terence ‘Jet’ Harris 1939 - Musician. Original bassist with The Shadows but he and drummer, Tony Meehan left to work as a duo. He also had a bit of success as a solo act. Let’s have a clip? Here’s Man with the Golden Arm.
Richard Beckinsale 1947 - Actor. Lenny Godber in Porridge.
Jonathon Porritt 1950 - Environmentalist and writer.
Graham Oliver 1952 - Musician. Founder member of Saxon. A clip? Of course. Let’s Rawwwk!
Hilary Mantel 1952 - Writer.
Meg Ritchie 1952 - Discus chuckery bloke.
Jennifer Saunders 1958 - Comedienne, writer and actress.
Mark Benson 1958 - Crickety (umpiry) bloke.
John Keeble 1959 - Musician. Drummer with Spandau Ballet. I think another clip is called for. [Can we have another clip?! - Ed.] Here’s Instinction.
Paul Banks 1973 - Musician. Lead guitarist with Shed Seven. A clip? Yes indeedy. Here’s Getting Better.
Rory Delap 1976 - Footy bloke.
Kenny Deuchar 1980 - Footy bloke and doctor.
Kate Nash 1987 - Singer-songwriter and actress. Have a clip. This reached number two, Foundations. Ye gods and little fishes! One can only hope she is a better actress than songwriter.
Right, what about famous folk born on the 13th of July?
Francis Drake 1540 - Licensed pirate.
William Hedley 1779 - Engineer. He devised the first practical steam engine to rely solely on iron wheels and iron rails for adhesion.
George Gilbert Scott 1811 - Architect.
Eric Portman 1901 - Actor. Colonel Richmond in The Colditz Story... The 1955 film, not the BBC series.
Kenneth Clark 1903 - Historian and broadcaster.
Alec Rose 1908 - Sailor.
David Storey 1933 - Author. This Sporting Life, that was one of his.
Patsy Byrne 1933 - Actress. Nursie in Blackadder II.
Gordon Lee 1934 - Footy bloke.
Jack Purvis 1937 - Actor. Wally in Time Bandits.
Patrick Stewart 1940 - Actor. Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Steve Gibbons 1941 - Musician. Would you like a clip. Here’s his biggest hit, Tulane.
Chris Serle 1943 - TV presenter.
Cyril Knowles 1944 - Footy bloke. I've got to include this. Nice One Cyril.
Cheryl Murray 1952 - Actress. Susie Burchill in Coronation Street.
Ian Hislop 1960 - Editor, TV and radio presenter.
Neil Foulds 1963 - Snookery bloke.
Craig Bellamy 1979 - Pêl-droediwr.
Samia Ghadie 1982 - Actress. Maria Connor in Coronation Street.
Tulisa 1988 - Singer-songwriter. A clip? But of course. Here’s Young
Che Adams 1996 - Footy bloke/fitba guy.
And, how about those famous individuals born on the 20th July?
Joshua Tetley 1778 - Brewer. Hic!
Richard Owen 1804 - Paleontologist. He invented the word dinosaur, which means terrible reptile. So now you know.
John Reith 1889 - First Director-General of the British Broadcorping Casteration. His mantra was 'Inform. Educate. Entertain.'
Dilys Powell 1901 - Writer.
Jerry Desmonde 1908 - Actor. He was foil or stooge to Sid Field and later Norman Wisdom.
John Phillips 1914 - Actor. General Leighton in Village of The Damned.
Bob Block 1921 - Comedy scriptwriter. Life with the Lyons, that was one of his.
Patricia Cutts 1926 - Actress. Although much of her career was spent working in the good ol’ U. S. of A., her last role was as Blanche Hunt in Coronation Street. After her death, Maggie Jones took over the role.
Heather Chasen 1927 - Actress. Famous as Ramona Povey among others in The Navy Lark.
Sally Ann Howes 1930 - Actress. Truly Scrumptious in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Roy Skelton 1931 - Who? He was an actor whose voice was very familiar to Brits of a certain age. He voiced Zippy and George in Rainbow.
Rex Williams 1933 - Snookery bloke.
Ted Rodgers 1935 - Comedian, it says here.
Diana Davies 1936 - Actress. Caroline Bates in Emmerdale Farm.
Diana Rigg 1938 - Actress. Emma Peel in The Avengers.
Roger Hunt 1938 - Footy bloke.
John Robson 1942 - Footy bloke.
Bob McNab 1943 - Footy bloke.
Willie Matheson 1943 - Fitba guy.
Wendy Richard 1943 - Actress. Miss Brahms in Are You Being Served?
Elizabeth Bennett 1944 - Actress. W. I. Judge in Calendar Girls.
John Lodge 1945 - Musician. Bassist and vocalist with the Moody Blues. Would you like a clip? Of course you would. Here’s House of Four Doors.
Malcolm Stoddard 1948 - Actor. Dr. James Campbell in The Campbells.
Jeff Rawle 1950 - Actor. George Dent in Drop the Dead Donkey.
Desmond Douglas 1955 - Table tennisy bloke.
Paul Cook 1956 - Musician. Drummer with The Sex Pistols. A clip? Of course. Let's have Anarchy in the UK.
Charlie Magri 1956 - Boxery bloke.
Mick MacNeil 1958 - Musician. One-time keyboardist with Simple Minds. What? You’d like a clip? Happy to oblige. Here’s Life in a Day. Jim Kerr going through his Black Adder hairstyle phase.
Jonathon Morris 1960 - Actor. Adrian Boswell in Bread.
Lee Harris 1962 - Musician. He was the drummer for Talk Talk. Let’s have another clip. Here’s the band’s first single, Mirror Man.
Anthony Beke aka Anton du Beke 1966 - Dancer.
Julian Rhind-Tutt 1968 - Actor. Dr. ‘Mac’ Macartney in Green Wing.
Nigel Quashie 1978 - Footy bloke/fitba guy.
Niall McGinn 1987 - Foody blook, so he is.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Paul Grambanks,
I enjoyed listening to a song from your Shed Seven band. I know they had a few songs in the charts and was wondering what was your last song to make the top 20 of the UK charts?
.....oooOooo.....
Gramble time...
How did our last bet with Lorkdeabs fare? Oh dear. Do you really want to know? You don’t? Good, because their computers are acting up so I can’t actually check how
much little we won.
Blast! They’re up and running again. We won 78 pees. I say won; we actually lost £1.42.
What has The Grambler come up with this week? Swedish leagues again? No, not Swedish. Yay! Finnish. What? Yep, Finnish Kakkonen Groups A, B and C.
Game - Result - Odds
Futura vs PPJ - Away win - 7/10
Honka vs SexyPoxyt [Ooer, missus. - Ed.] - Away win - 4/9
EBK vs P-lirot - Away win - 8/15
VJS vs HJS Akatemia - Home win - Evens
Jakobstads Bollklub vs JPS - Home win - 4/9
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a far from whopping (thanks to rubbish odds)
£7.44
.....oooOooo.....
Teaser time...
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Essen, Germany in 1969. A goalkeeper, I was part of Arsenal’s ‘Invincibles’ team that won the Premier League title unbeaten in 2003-04, playing every game. I was capped for Germany 61 times. I hold the record for being the oldest player to appear in a UEFA European Championship final (against Spain in 2008).
Answer - Jens Lehmann
2. Speaking of oldies; who holds the record for being the oldest player to appear in the UEFA European Championships?
Answer - Pepe
3. Sticking with the Euros; which player has scored the most goals in a single tournament?
Answer - Michel Platini (9)
4. How about a question regarding discipline? The 2024 tournament has featured one match which saw more players cautioned than in any previous game. Which teams were playing and how many cards were shown?
Answer - Chechia (7) vs Turkiye (11) = 18
5. Which country has qualified for the most tournaments without ever winning the title?
Answer - Engerland (11)
Some more for this week? Aye, go on then.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Emerich am Rhine, Germany in 1952. A midfielder, I played most of my senior career games with Borussia Mönchengladbach [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.] of which I am now vice-president. Between 1972 and 1981 I was capped 53 times for (then) West Germany. I remain the most decorated player in the history of the European Championships having won two gold medals and one silver medal.
2. Two questions in one... Several records were broken at the recent European Championship. Who became the youngest ever scorer at the age of 16 years and 362 days and who became the oldest ever scorer at the age of 38 years and 289 days?
3. Cristiano Ronaldo holds all kinds of records relating to the Euros, including scoring more goals than any other player. In five tournaments, how many goals has he scored?
4. Sticking with the Euros, most winning teams are coached by somebody of the same nationality; which was the only winning nation to be coached by an ‘outsider’?
5. I thought an own goal question might be a good one to finish with. Again, we are talking Euros. Which country has benefitted from five opposition own goals over several tournaments without ever conceding an own goal?
There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
.....oooOooo.....
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK
.....oooOooo.....
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s). Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...
£79,314
…..oooOooo…..
And Finally...
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, that teaser from Story Time...
[Do you really think that was worth waiting for? - Ed.]
Well, it made me smile.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.
Happy grambling.
