Week 4 - The Grambler's last visit to Rio

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Game :

1. An amusement or pastime

2. a competitive activity involving skill, chance, or endurance on the part of two or more persons who play according to a set of rules, usually for their own amusement or for that of spectators.

Odd start to this week’s (g)ramble, don’t you think? It is to do with the Olympics held in Rio. Can you guess what? Yes, these are definitions of the word ‘game’. Olympic games. See? People ‘play’ games. Game also refers to animals shot for ‘sport’, but that’s another story.

So, why, over the past month has just about every news bulletin on the Beeb Beeb Ceeb led with the Rio Olympic games? Fair enough, a bit of ‘now over to our sports correspondent’ would be acceptable, because this was a fairly big sporting event, after all. I have no problem with that. However, a sporting spectacle should never be considered to be more important than all the atrocities taking place around the world.

Worse still is the British Broadcorping Casteration’s obsession with Team GB. Apart from Mr Bolt and his triple treble or treble triple and Michael Phelps winning his nine hundredth medal, hardly anyone other than a member of Team GB got a mention. And why Team GB? We’re not French. In their language an adjective comes after the noun as in ‘le chien noir’. The black dog. Incidentally, that is my limit when it comes to French. Doesn’t get you far, I can tell you. If you start having your words the wrong way round in English, it just sounds daft. You wouldn’t ask for some crisps smoky bacon, or a nut ginger, or lade marma. Team GB, indeed.

The thing that is annoying me even more about these Team GB obsessed news people, is that they haven’t realised that the games finished last Sunday. On Monday the news still led with the games. There was a reporter in sunny Rio telling us how well Team GB had done and asking about the legacy - That’s another one that bugs me; why does everything have to leave a legacy? I thought legacy was concerned with death, wills and bequests; when did it start attaching itself to sporting competitions? - Where was I? Oh yes, this reporter bloke... Then he tells us how well Team GB had done and then he shows us how poor the people of Rio are and then he tells us how well Team GB had done and then he shows us all the extra police who were drafted in to ensure the games went smoothly and then he tells us how well Team GB had done... You get the picture.

What about Tuesday’s news? Surely they couldn’t string it out for another day. Yep. They did. First item on the news - Team GB returning home in a plane with a specially painted gold nose-cone (I kid you not.). Who gives a monkey’s that a planeload of privileged individuals, who get to do for a living what others (those with a proper job) can only do for fun, has come home?

Oh yes, they are very good at what they do, but being able to run, jump, swim, cycle, row, throw things, swing on things or punch people doesn’t really get you very far in life does it? Well, the last one might. Either that or you end up behind bars.

There is now talk of giving these runny, jumpy, swimmy people something in the new year’s honours. I can see it now. So and so gets an OBE for being able to run fast. Thingy gets an MBE for jumping high. Hoojamaflip gets a knighthood for riding a bike. Don’t get me started on the honours system...

You may be thinking I am being a bit hard on these sportspeople. It may seem that I am jealous of sporty types. Of course I’m not. I have had my sporting successes. Well, success. I once won a heat in the potato and spoon race in the school sports, I’ll have you know. I might have won the final if I’d been allowed to use the same ladle... spoon, I meant spoon... that I’d used in the heat.

 

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Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 27th of August? Of course they did. Charles Stewart Rolls 1877 (He of the posh motor car. When he went into partnership with Henry Royce, he supposedly said, ‘You build the cars and I’ll sell them.’ He also has the unwanted distinction of being the first Briton to die in an aeronautical accident.), Eric Coates 1886 (Cloakroom attendent.), Man Ray 1890 (Snapper.), Donald Bradman 1908 (Strine crickuddy blike.), Lyndon B. Johnson 1908 (36^th president of the good ol’ U S of A. ‘The Democratic Party at its worst is better than the Republican Party at its best.’ Still true it would seem.), Martha Raye 1916 (No relation to Man. Or Johnnie. Or Ted. Or Sting.), Tony Harris 1916 (Sarth Ifrican creekuty blake.), Pat Coombs 1926 (Ubiquitous silly character in 60s sitcoms.), Tuesday Weld 1943 (What if you want some brazing work done on other days of the week?), Barbara Bach 1947 (Mrs Starr or Starkey.), Pee-wee Herman 1952 (Flasher.), Derek Warwick 1954 (Racey car bloke.), John Lloyd 1954 (Mr Evert.), Glenn Matlock 1956 (After leaving the Sex Pistols, formed Rich Kids with Midge Ure, Steve New and Rusty Egan.), Bernhard Langer 1957 (Golfy bloke.), Peter Ebdon (Snookery bloke.) and Denise Lewis 1972 (Runny, jumpy, throwy woman.)

 

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? [Nothing. We didn’t have a bet. Had you forgotten? - Ed.] Oh yes. Of course. What has The Grambler picked for us this week?

 

Game - Result - Odds

Everton vs Stoke - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Bradford vs Oldham - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Doncaster vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Queens Park vs Livingston - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Forfar vs Elgin - Prediction Home win - 10/11

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£10.05

Fairly whopping, then.

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Premiershit club had signed the most overseas players, after Chelsea that is. I had thought Manchester City, but I was wrong. The answer was West Ham. Over the years, they have had 129 players on their books; Man City was third with 127. Although that total has already changed in the last week because Joe ‘Dearest’ Hart has been usurped by Claudio Bravo, who has the distinction of being the shortest goalkeeper in the Premiershit being only 5 feet 7 in his stockinged feet*.

One for this week? Which London-based club, in 1888 dropped the words ‘St. Andrew’s Church Sunday School’ from its name? A good un there, I reckon.

*Actually, he is 6 feet 0 inches, but there was a reason for mentioning 5 feet 7 inches. That was the height of Teddy Davison, the smallest goalkeeper ever to play for Engerland. Granted, he only played once for his national side, but apparently he had lightning reflexes which more than compensated for his diminutive (in goalkeeping terms) stature.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mzzzzzzz M. Raye (born exactly 100 years ago today) who gives us our finishing link this week; a song from 1941’s Hellzapoppin, a film which, though it looks a bit creaky nowadays, featured some imaginative use of camera trickery that was unusual for the time. Ladeez and genullum I give you Watch the Birdie .

 

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 3 - The Grambler on Oor Wullie's Bucket Trail

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Jings, crivvens and help ma boab! Thon Grambler’s awfy late this week! Michty me! [Nurse, I think it’s time to increase the medication. - Ed.] No, no, let me explain. As anyone who comes from Scotland will have realised, those first few words were written as if being spoken by one of this country’s most famous comic strip creations - Oor Wullie. Those of you who have never heard of him may be thinking that it is the sad tale of conjoined twins. No, Oor Wullie, along with The Broons, has appeared in the ‘fun section’ of the Sunday Post since 1937. Why am I telling you this? Well, the reason for this week’s tardy publication is that Mrs G, myself and a lovely couple we know visited Dundee this week to follow ‘Oor Wullie’s Bucket Trail’. You’re none the wiser, are you? I will try to enlighten you.

Have you ever visited a town to see identical resin-based statues placed in various locations? I say identical; the statues are identically shaped, but each is painted in a unique manner. Local artists tend to be given a theme and create artwork to suit. The first time I visited a town with this phenomenon was a few years ago when Mrs G and I spent some time in Chester. We didn’t understand it at the time, but every so often we would see a statue of a rhinoceros. Each was painted differently. More recently Hamilton had a collection of heavy horses placed in prime locations around the town. Not real ones, you understand.  Resin ones.  I don’t know what happened to Chester’s rhinos, but I know that Hamilton’s horses were auctioned off after a period of time had passed; the money being given to charity.

This was what the bucket trail was about. A charity called the ARCHIE foundation, which raises funds to assist in the healthcare of sick children in the north east of Scotland, linked up with Dundee’s council and D.C. Thomson (creators of Oor Wullie and based in Dundee) to come up with a trail of Oor Wullie statues around Dundee and surrounding areas. Unlike the previous places I mentioned, this was advertised nationally and actual maps of the trail were printed. Also, there weren’t just a dozen or so statues; there were 55. We were there for two days and managed to see less than half.

It was great fun though and the local artists who had been tasked with decorating a particular statue had come up with some interesting ideas. One that I particularly liked was the one that was called Oor Bowie, Your Bowie, A’body’s Bowie as a tribute to the thin white duke himself. Like all the statues, this one was sat on a bucket, but instead of the usual attire of dungarees, it was dressed in the style of Ziggy Stardust complete with the zigzag flash on its face.

Anyway, the charity should get a lot from this excellent scheme, as indeed will the city of Dundee. Many people (us included) have headed to the city of jam, jute and journalism simply to follow the trail; the numbers of tourists to the city must have increased drastically. Where the charity will really benefit is at the end of the enterprise when all 55 statues will be auctioned off.

So I do apologise for being so late with this week’s publication, but I was busy Wullie watching. [Ooer. - Ed.]

Before I end this little section, I will tell you that I learned something on this visit to Dundee. As a kid, I was an avid reader of the D.C. Thomson comics the Beano and the Dandy. I could tell you all about the adventures of Korky the Cat, Dennis the Menace, Little Plum, the Three Bears and Roger the Dodger. The middle two pages of the Beano were reserved for the classroom antics of the Bash Street Kids (Smiffy and Plug were my favourite characters). Well, on my visit to Dundee I learned that there is an actual road called Bash Street. And I always thought it was a figment of the cartoonist’s imagination. All I can say is jings, crivvens and help ma boab!

 

 

 

 

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Do you recall my (g)ramble a few weeks back when I told the tale of Mrs G and I paying a visit to our local bank? You may remember that the cashier refused to take a bag full of money which we wanted to pay into our account so that we could donate the money to The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund. Well, we were a bit miffed at the treatment we had received so decided to take our complaint a step further. One email to the ceo of this particular bank was soon winging its way through the ether.
The next morning a reply to that message was in our in box. The top man at the complaints department had been given the job of placating this pair of old grumps.
I expected him to argue the case in favour of his employee but, no, he was very much on our side and used expressions such as ‘jobsworth’ and ‘lacking common sense’ to describe the cashier in question. Incidentally, not everyone is aware of the term jobsworth so let me enlighten you. It is a word used to describe the sort of officious bas... individual who insists that rules are rules and must be carried out to the letter; there can be absolutely no deviation from this. Usually, it is somebody who has been given a job with a little bit of authority attached to it and who enjoys the power that it gives him or her over any member of the public who is trying to avoid too much ‘red tape’. The jobsworth is the sort who would not deviate from a rule no matter how daft that rule may be and would never attempt any easier way of carrying out any task. When dealing with the public, this person in authority invariably uses the expression, ‘more than my job’s worth’, hence the name. Apparently, it first gained popular recognition on the Esther Rantzen fronted programme called That’s Life.
Any road up, where am I heading with this? This complaints manager guy was extremely apologetic for the way we had been treated and we felt it proved that we were justified in making our complaint.
Is that it, you may be asking. That wasn’t particularly interesting, you are probably thinking. And you’d be right. But there is more.
Within four hours of this gentleman first contacting us, the Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund had benefited by 100 quids. It was a donation from the bank. Sometimes, it pays to moan a bit.

 

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Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 20th of August? Of course they did. This week, special guest Arthur will give a little information about each. Josef Strauss 1827 (Tharnk you. Yes, he was an Australian comproser. With brothers Johan and Eduard he formed the Bee Gees.), Duncan Macrae 1905 (Oh yes, Duncarn Macrami. He appeared in all those Rodgers and Hammer time musicarls. There’s a bright goalie down in the meadow, Surrey with a fridge on top... all them. What? That was Gordon? Don’t talk wet. Who’s ever heard of Duncan Gordon?), Alan Reed 1907 (He was an arctor. Bet you don’t know him. You’d know his voice though. Oh yarse. Here’s a clue... WILMA!!! Got him now? That was him. Ooh, what was his name again? Fred Firestone. Him.), Andre Morell 1909 (Another blibbing arctor. He was in that thing on the telly. Ooh, it was ages ago. That thing that sounded like he was always in his bed. Quatermass. That was it. Quatermass and his pit.), Jacqueline Susanne 1919 (She was an arctress and a writer. She wrote some right mucky stuff, I can tell you. That Truman Capote bloke didn’t reckon much to her. He said she looked like an truck driver in drag.   He did.   When she threatened to sue, he apologised.... to truck drivers everywhere.), Jim Reeves 1923 (Ooh, he was good, him. He sang that one... How does it go? Put the jukebox a little closer to the phone. That one. And that one about hearing an drumming noise. I reckon it was tinnitus, meself. Ooh, what was that other one? The one where he farncied an horse? I love you big horse. That was one of his. It’s an wonder he didn’t get blibbing locked up after that one.), Yootha Joyce 1927 (Another arctress. She was in that Man in the house thing and, ooh what was the other one? George all mildewed. It was about this man called George who had a wife who was right blibbing bossy. That was her. Can’t remember her name in it.), Don King 1931 (Donking? What the blibbing heck is donking? I’ve serpently never donked, I carn arssure you.), Jim Bowen 1937 (He was the one that did that quiz about darts. They had to get the bit right in the middle of the board. The bullseye.  There was this bull on the programme.   Called him Bully, they did.   Can’t for the life of me remember the name of the show.  I do remember that nobody ever won the blibbing prizes.), Isaac Hayes 1942 (He must have had a pet cat called Shaft. He wrote that song about it... You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother... must have had an litter of kittens and perhaps didn’t look after them.), Robert Plant 1948 (Lord Zeppelin, he was known as. Mind, he was as bad as that Jim Reeves with that song Hole otter love... Another one that wants locking up.), Phil Lynott 1949 (Thin Lizzy he was called. Daft name for a bloke. Did lots of songs. That one about drunk driving. Whisky in the car. That was him. Jailbait. That was another.), Joe Pasquale 1961 (Ooh, I like him. Comedian bloke. Squeaky voice.  Buckets of doom.), David Walliams 1971 (Ooh, I like him.   He’s an comedian too.   He says I’m a lady. It’s really funny. Arnd he says computer says no. It’s hiralious, it really is.) and Maxim Vengerov 1974 (Ooh, we’re getting all seriarse now. He plays the fiddle, he does. He was a child progidy, it says here. Ooh, they were good... I’m the fire starter, twisted fire starter...)

Er, thank you Arthur.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We lost. Not a penny piece back. The Grambler made a proper cu... mess of it. What Happened? Read on...

 

 

Barnsley vs Derby County - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnsley 2 Derby County 0

Jings!

The Tykes took the lead even before getting a shot on target, with captain Conor Hourihane's effort from 25 yards coming off the post before rebounding off Rams goalkeeper Scott ‘Kit’ Carson into the net.

Alfie Mawson met a Hourihane free-kick to head home a second after the break.

Ryan Kent also hit the post for Barnsley.

 

Doncaster vs Crawley - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 1 Crawley 1

Crivvens!

Rovers were poor before the break and trailed to James Collins' 26th-minute tap-in.

Doncaster captain James Coppinger rescued a point for his side when he twisted to fire home Matty Blair's corner in the 49th minute.

Crawley started on the front foot and deservedly went ahead when Collins tapped home Jason ‘Pato’ Banton's cross.

Coppinger fired a free-kick just wide for a disjointed home side, while Rovers' Tommy ‘Dizzy’ Rowe saw a goalbound effort from close range blocked.

The visitors offered more of a threat and Banton saw an effort deflected just wide, while Enzio Boldewijn struck a shot onto the roof of the net from the angle of the box.

Coppinger gave the home side a much-needed confidence boost when he met Blair's corner from the right with a superb first-time finish from the edge of the box. Rovers pressed for a winner and went close through Blair, John ‘Mary’ Marquis and Andy ‘Moon River’ Williams.

 

Dumbarton vs Dundee Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Dumbarton 1 Dundee United

Michty me!

The Sons defender Mark Docherty converted confidently after Gregor Buchanan was judged to have been shoved in the box at a corner kick.

Ryan Stevenson's free-kick from the edge of the box had earlier hit the crossbar for the hosts.

United struggled to turn possession into chances but came close when Jamie Robson's volley was saved.

Home goalkeeper Alan Martin was called upon again late on to deny Coll Donaldson a leveller.

 

Peterhead vs East Fife - Prediction Home win

Result - Peterhead 0 East Fife 3

Help ma boab!

Forfar vs Cowdenbeath - Prediction Home win

Result - Forfar 4 Cowdenbeath 3

Braw, but too late.

 

Ach weel, as Wullie might say. There’s always next week. But not a this week. Too late, do you see?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which former Manchester United striker was so in awe of Alan Shearer, that he slept in a Newcastle United shirt. The answer is Dimitar Berbatov. Did anyone get that one? Too difficult? Let’s have an easier one for this week.

Here’s a Premiershit question for you. As you all know, many Premiershit players come from abroad these days; over the years, three Premiershit clubs have employed more than 125 foreign players. Not surprisingly, Chelsea top this list having had 141 overseas players on the books at one time or another. I thought that Manchester City would have been next, but I was wrong; they are at number three, pop pickers. So, which club comes in at number two? Not arf!

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr S. Lee who, I am guessing, but I could be wrong, is not the biggest fan of birthday celebrant Joe Pasquale. Click here .

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 2 - The Grambler goes to Rio

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

From diving pools being turned green with algae to a gymnast with a broken leg being dropped by the stretcher bearers, the Olympic Games in Rio have been getting all the wrong kind of attention. So, this week’s (g)ramble takes us to the Olympic Games to discuss something a little different, but familiar to you regular readers out there in Gramblerland. [Sport? - Ed.] Well, sort of. Yes, it does concern sport. A very particular sport. The men’s 470. No, I don’t know what that means either, other than it is a class in the sailing events. Why have I chosen to discuss this particular event? Come closer and I’ll tell you.

Four years ago, in the London Olympic Games, two young men - Luke Patience and Elliot Willis - won silver in that event. From that moment on, they set about becoming the best at the next Olympics. Their training was geared to one thing: winning gold at the 2016 Games.

Unfortunately, in December of last year their plans were brought to an abrupt halt. Elliot Willis withdrew his name from the Team GB ‘hopefuls’. Why? Why, having trained for more than three years with the same team-mate to improve their technique, did he decide he couldn’t continue? Well, you have probably already realised, he didn’t choose to stand down; the decision was made for him when he was diagnosed with cancer. Bowel cancer. He is a fit young man. He is 32. He has got the cancer which doctors tell us affects older people. We are told it shouldn’t hit people of 32, but it does. It shouldn’t hit teenagers, but it does. It shouldn’t have claimed Stewart, but it did.

At the moment, there is a big advertising campaign on in Scotland urging oldies of over 50 to remember to return their two-yearly bowel cancer detection kit. It even has Fred Macaulay doing the voiceover. How much does it cost to put these adverts on the TV? Might that money not be put to better use educating people (especially doctors) that bowel cancer should be considered if anybody, no matter what age, has any kind of bowel irregularity? I wonder how long Elliot Willis waited before his doctor thought about that possibility. Hopefully, it wasn’t so long and the cancer was spotted at an early stage; early enough for treatments to actually have a beneficial effect.

If you have any of the following symptoms, see your doctor and insist that you be checked for bowel cancer.

A change in your bowel habit

Has your normal bowel habit changed? Are you going to the toilet more often or experiencing looser poo (diarrhoea). Do you have constipation, a feeling of fullness or incomplete emptying of your back passage after going to the toilet?

A lump in your abdomen (tummy)

Can you feel a new, unexplained lump in your abdomen (tummy) which doesn’t go away?

Bleeding from the bottom or blood in your poo

Have you noticed bleeding from your bottom with no obvious reason such as local soreness, piles (haemorrhoids) or tears (anal fissures)? Have you tried over the counter remedies, but the condition has not improved?

Unexplained tiredness, dizziness or breathlessness

Do you feel constantly tired, dizzy or breathless? Are you looking paler than usual? These may be signs of anaemia (low iron levels in your blood).

Pain in your abdomen (tummy)

Do you have constant or intermittent pain anywhere in your abdomen? It may be linked to going to the toilet or it might come and go like cramps or colic.

Unexplained weight loss

Have you lost weight without dieting, maybe due to reduced appetite, feeling bloated or sick?

Don’t be fobbed off with being told you are too young. As this blog tells you every week - you are never too young.

 

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To finish this visit to the Olympics; you have to feel for Britain’s gold medallist Adam Peaty. He had just won the 100 metres breast-stroke in a world-record time and all the news channels could tell us was that he didn’t like taking a bath when he was a little boy. I’ll bet some news reporter had been speaking to the one individual who could give the media a story to embarrass Adam. No doubt his reaction was to redden up, look at his feet and say, ‘Oh, muuummm!’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 13th of August? Of course they did. William Caxton 1422 (The original press baron. Sometimes these comments are facetious.), Annie Oakley 1860 (Inventor of sunglasses. Or daft.), Giovanni Agnelli 1866 (Founder of FIAT car company. Sometimes correct.), John Logie Baird 1888 (Boo Boo’s mate - ‘I’m smarter than the average Baird.’ But not often.), Bert Lahr 1895 (‘Put em up. Put em up.’ Sometimes there’s an obscure film reference.), Alfred Hitchcock 1899 (Didn’t have a navel, you know. Or a bizarre fact.), Felix Wankel 1902 (Insult. Often rude.), Basil Spence 1907 (Architect. Designed my school, you know. Occasionally true and trivial at the same time.), Ben Hogan 1912 (Golfer in a German prisoner-of-war camp. Or utterly silly.), George Shearing 1920 (Pianist who started a travel company. See what I mean.), Fidel Castro 1926 (Cuban leader. Castro claims he survived 634 attempts on his life, mainly masterminded by the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. They involved poison pills, a toxic cigar, exploding mollusks, a chemically tainted diving suit and powder to make his beard fall out so as to undermine his popularity. That’s more sensible.), Bernard Manning 1931 (Comedian. It says here.), Madhur Jaffrey 1933 (Curry cook and actress. That’s not very silly. Erm... She’s only 5 feet 2 tall?), Rod Hull 1935 (‘Is it green jelly?’ A suitably obscure reference there.), Susan Jameson 1941 (‘Why, it’s Jessie Seaton.’ Any When the Booooat Comes In fans remember that one?), Howard Marks 1945 (Drug dealer aka Mr Nice. He even had a song written in his honour - Here Comes The Nice by the Small Faces), Dan Fogelburg 1951 (His home city, Peoria, Illinois, renamed Abington Street Fogelberg Parkway in his honour. You get trivia here too, you know.), Marie Helvin 1952 (Walking clothes-horse.), Herb Ritts 1952 (A variation on the standard cracker.), Feargal Sharkey 1958 (An Undertone.), Phil Taylor 1960 (‘The Power’.), Stuart Maconie 1961 (Freak.), Alan Shearer 1970 (Foo’y blurk.) and Joe Perry 1975 (The Fen Potter.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. No, not really. 77 pees isn’t exactly winning. What Happened? Read on...

 

Derby County vs Brighton - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 0 Brighton 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Derby threatened in the early stages but Brighton managed to soak up the pressure and eventually created the better openings in what was a tight encounter.

On-loan Seagulls striker Glenn Murray had a shot blocked just before half-time and then headed over the bar in the second half.

We haven’t had any quotes from managers for a while; what gems did Messrs Hughton and Pearson have for us?

First, Brighton manager Chris Hughton.

‘Generally you don't know what you are going to get first game of the season but I thought the application of the team was excellent and apart from winning and goals I think I've got everything I wanted today.’

Er... so what you are saying is that you got nothing you wanted, surely. (Don’t call me Shirley.)

Next, Derby County manager Nigel Pearson.

‘You've got to try and win games but if you can't win them you don't lose them and I think both managers would be saying very similar things.’

Ahh, it’s good to hear some good old managerial bollocks again.

 

 

Oxford Utd vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Oxford Utd 1 Chesterfield 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

If you are interested, Ched Evans returned to professional football with Chesterfield after a lengthy spell in one of her majesty’s establishments. I won’t go into details, but his every touch at the Kassam Stadium was jeered by Oxford supporters. The U's took the lead through a tap-in from Wes Thomas just after the half hour mark.

Evans missed two chances after the break but fired in from a 25-yard free-kick with 14 minutes remaining to clinch a point.

 

Grimsby vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Grimsby 2 Morecambe 0

Yay!

Grimsby enjoyed a successful return to the English Football League as they defeated Morecambe at Blundell Park.

Cheered on by more than 6,000 fans, the Mariners went ahead through Kayden Jackson early on.

Ben Davies made it two with a stunning free-kick midway through the second half.

Grimsby's Josh Gowling was dismissed for a professional foul, but it mattered little in the end as the hosts held on.

It was a frantic start from both sides, but Jackson helped settle home nerves with a calm finish on seven minutes.

And just seconds later, the Mariners could have doubled their lead.

Tom Bolarinwa and Scott Vernon combined as the latter prodded over Morecambe keeper Barry Roche - only to see Alex Whitmore produce a stunning clearance.

James Berrett also fired over as Town marked their return to the fourth tier with a dominant performance against the Shrimps.

After the break, Berrett went close before Davies settled matters with a curling set piece from 25 yards.

 

St Mirren vs Morton - Prediction Home win

Result - St Mirren 1 Morton 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Michael Tidser had already skimmed the Saints crossbar with a shot before Thomas O'Ware headed Jim Duffy's Greenock men in front after 17 minutes.

St Mirren manager Alex Rae changed his formation to a 3-4-3 and saw an immediate improvement.

Lewis Morgan's cross into the box was met by the towering substitute John Sutton to nod home for the draw.

Morton started the game with pace and, after Tidser's 25-yard shot in seven minutes had grazed the woodwork, they had the bar shaking again when the unmarked Lee Kilday rattled it with a header.

The Ton made the breakthrough when ex-Motherwell striker Ross Forbes' great free-kick was bulleted into the net by O'Ware from close range.

The Saints fans had to wait until the 20th minute to see a chance for their side, ex-Motherwell striker David Clarkson's low shot drifting wide of the far post.

And their old rivals should have doubled their lead soon after when Gary Oliver teed up Jai Quitongo but he sclaffed his shot wide.

In the second half St Mirren's Calum Gallagher found Lawrence Shankland at the edge of the box, but Kilday blocked the shot.

Saints goalkeeper Jamie Langfield saved a snatched shot by Gary Oliver to keep his team in the match and with seven minutes remaining Sutton headed the leveller.

 

Alloa vs Peterhead - Prediction Home win

Result - Alloa 4 Peterhead 0

Yay!

A brace from Jordan Kirkpatrick on his league debut helped Alloa's bid for promotion to the Ladbrokes Championship get off to a great start as they recorded a 4-0 win over hapless Peterhead.The hosts started well and took the lead when Kirkpatrick's shot went into the top left corner of the net from the edge of the box nine minutes in.Rather than sitting back, the hosts chased another straight away and on 14 minutes it was 2-0 thanks to Kevin Cawley, before a stunning free-kick from a central position by Kirkpatrick added another as half-time approached.Substitute Isaac Layne supplied the finishing touch almost as soon as he replaced Kirkpatrick on 69 minutes, finishing well past the goalkeeper with his right foot.

Oh well, not the best of starts for The Grambler’s first bet of the season. Can he/she/it make amends this week? [Doubt it. - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Derby County - Prediction Away win - 11/10

Doncaster vs Crawley - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Dumbarton vs Dundee Utd - Prediction Away win - 4/7

Peterhead vs East Fife - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Forfar vs Cowdenbeath - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Anyway, the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£10.75

Moderately whopping, I think.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which famous writer played for the amateur club that became Portsmouth FC. It was Sherlock Holmes creator Arthur Conan Doyle and he played in goal. Did you work that one out. Of course you did. Elementary, my dear Grambler.

One for this week? Which former Manchester United striker (making over 100 appearances), as a child, was so in awe of borthdee bonny lad Alan Shearer, that he slept in a Newcastle shirt? He doesn’t now. Only when he was a kid. At least, I don’t think he does now.  That would be just a bit weird.

…..oooOooo…..

 

I know this repeats the main thrust of this week’s (g)ramble but, once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr Q. Devine who in a simple homage to Mr Man creator Roger Hargreaves has summed up a certain gentleman who, without trying, manages to open his mouth and put a size ten straight in...

 

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 1 - Happy new (gramble) year

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I have achieved a few firsts this year. I visited New York. I crossed the Atlantic in a ship. I have even seen the aurora borealis. Last weekend I achieved another first. I went to see an airshow. In all my years on this planet we call home, I had never been to see an airshow. Let me tell you about it. Pull up a chair.

I really didn’t know what to expect. Would it be a lot of old aeroplanes coughing and spluttering their way across the sky as the crowd watched in awe wondering if they would remain airborne? Would it be thrills and spills as planes performed acrobatic maneouvres while idiots walked across the wings?

It was a mixture of both these things - without the idiot wing walkers - and much much more.

Yes, there were appearances by old asthmatic planes from before WWII. It seemed a bit like watching an old performer being brought out of retirement to sing or tell a joke. All the while people watching and thinking, well done you, but really thinking the performer/plane would be better of in an old folks home/museum.

There were aerobatic display teams. The famous Red Arrows were there. Now call me an old cynic [You’re an old cynic. - Ed.], but why are they even in existence? Yes, what they do is very clever/stupid and the pilots must be very brave/stupid, but they shouldn’t be allowed to do what they are doing. They are part of the Royal Air Force. We taxpayers fund the RAF. Correct? So why are they being paid massive wages to throw millions of quids worth of aeroplane about for... what? A bit of fun? How much does it cost to keep this spectacle airborne? It must cost thousands of pounds to fly one of these jet planes for just one display. And there are nine of them.

Perhaps there was a reason that I had never been to an airshow.

Another ‘display’ team was there. This time is was a couple of helicopters pirouetting about the sky. After the speed of the Red Arrows jets, this was a bit tame in comparison. It reminded me of a couple of synchronised swimmers. Yes, very clever, but why bother?

Then we got the ultimate plane. The current fighter plane. A Typhoon. [Isn’t that a brand of tea? - Ed.] This thing was fast. And loud. My goodness it was loud. I said, my goodness it was loud. Again, as it swooped and climbed and twisted about the sky, my reaction wasn’t, ‘Wow, what a magnificent machine’, but, ‘He’s getting paid to muck about up there.’ To me, it was the ultimate boy and his toy.

Maybe, I’m not meant to go to airshows.

There was another pilot in a small stunt plane. This guy was just crazy. There is no other way to describe him. His entrance into the flight ‘arena’ was pretty mental for starters. Most planes are flown with the nose ahead of the tail and wings parallel with the ground. Correct? Not this one. The plane was nose up, tail down and passed over the spectators sideways. We were meant to think, ‘Wow, what a brilliant pilot!’ I thought, ‘Wow, this guy’s a loonie!’ I have to admit, the stunts he could perform in this little plane were incredible. How, for example, did he fly it vertically and then... stop. Honestly, that is what happened. The plane rose to just below cloud level and, with the nose still pointing upwards, it just stopped and hung there. Obviously, we could hear the engine revving up so the pilot was obviously using the power to keep it up in that position but, that stunt should have been impossible to anything but a dragonfly, surely. (Don’t call me Shirley.) Then, the engine just shut off and it spiralled downwards. The engine started up just in time for him to regain control before it smacked into the ground. I know we get stop/start technology in cars, but I think this was a step too far. As I said, the guy was crazy.

There was an announcer telling us about all the things happening above us and introducing the aeroplanes as if they were celebrities... ‘Ladies and gentlemen give a big hand to the ‘Huey’ helicopter!!!’ Or was it Huey the helicopter? The one thing that I didn’t reckon on bothering me, but it did, was the matter-of-fact way he described what the various planes did in wartime. He would describe a particular plane as having flown so many hundred missions and managing over a thousand ‘kills’. A helicopter that flew in the Vietnamese war was kitted out to strafe villages. Another old plane was announced as being involved in the bombing of Dresden at the end of WWII. All the while, he just reeled off all these facts about these ‘heroic little planes’ that were, basically killing machines. He then went on to eulogise about the changes in modern warfire where pilotless drones could now carry out many of these tasks. All the while, he spoke in a cheery ‘aren’t these planes clever’ sort of way.

I don’t think I am really the kind of customer these airshows need.

Another thing which really did bother me was the number of kids who were dressed up in military gear in honour of their heroes. Some had the Red Arrows’ bright red overalls and ear defenders as used by the real RAF chappies. These kids looked to be as young as six. I felt that kids of that age should not really be taught to glorify these flying rocket launchers.

I think this might well be the last airshow I go to.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before we go any further with this week’s edition, I would just like to wish all my regular readers a happy new year. A happy new year to both of you. Wait a minute, I hear you say, this is August; new year’s months away. Ah yes, that is just the ‘ordinary’ new year. ‘Ordinary’ new years begin on January the first. Every year. How very dull and predictable. The new year we are celebrating is The Grambler new year which, as all you regular readers know, coincides with the start of the new football season. So, every year, the date of our week 1 new year edition is determined by whoever makes up the football league tables. This year, we begin our year on the first Saturday of August. The last couple of years it has been the second Saturday, which is what makes The Grambler new year so different... You never know when it will be. It’s a bit like Easter... only without the eggs, of course. Or religion.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 6th of August? Of course they did. Matthew Parker 1504 (Archbishop of Canterbury famous for being a little too thorough when investigating. He was forever sticking his nose into other people’s business. I wonder if anyone ever came up with an amusing nickname for him?), Alfred, Lord Tennyson 1809 (Half a league, half a league, half a league onward... Sounds like he’s talking about the Scottish league setup. 42 teams in four divisions? Daft, I calls it.), Alexander Fleming 1881 (Discovered penicillin, what Del Boy would call an-ee-bi-o-ics.), Louella Parsons 1881 (‘The first person I ever cared deeply and sincerely about was - myself.’), Lucille Ball 1911 (Something to do with a cystern), Dom Mintoff 1916 (A minty caramel sweet.), Robert Mitchum 1917 (Tree.), Freddie Laker 1922 (The first dog in space.), Frank Finlay 1926 (Uttered the best line ever written by Eddie Braben for the Morecambe and Wise Show - ‘Gentlemen, I have a long felt want.’), Andy Warhol 1928 (Wiggy.), Barbara Windsor 1937 (Actress whose most famous ‘moment’ was... this), Joyce McKinney 1949 (Famously chained a young Mormon missionary to a bed... It’s one way to stop them knocking on your door just to talk about God.), Chris Boardman 1968 (Biker.), Manoj Shyamalan 1970 (Known as M. Night Shyamalan. Film director... That I see dead people film... that was one of his.), Geri Halliwell 1972 (Filmgoer’s companion.), Bobby Petta 1974 (Footy Bloke.) and Robin van Persie 1983 (Another footy bloke.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Well, three out of five donkeys won, which meant we won £3.10 from our £2.20 stake. Yay!

By the way, I cashed in my BetFred betting slip from a fortnight ago. It returned £1.70. Hmm. So, having placed a bet costing £2.75, we actually lost £1.05.

Well, as you know, this is week one of the 2016-17 season and what does that mean? No more betting on the horses. Yay!

Not all divisions start the season this week. In Scotland, all four senior divisions’ teams roll up their sleeves and get down to work. In England, all but the Premiershit sides start the campaign. I think that’s a bit rubbish. The Premiershit players get more money than anyone else and yet they get an extra week off. Not fair, says I.

Any road up, what five games has The Grambler randomly selected to get the 2016-17 season started?

 

Game - Result - Odds

Derby County vs Brighton - Prediction Home win - Evens

Oxford Utd vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Grimsby vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win - 10/11

St Mirren vs Morton - Prediction Home win - Evens

Alloa vs Peterhead - Prediction Home win - Evens

 

Hmm... A rather cagey selection there, perhaps. Not really The Grambler’s fault; all games being played this weekend have odds like that (Other than the usual Rangers Celtic odds that offer you something like 8/1 on the opposing team winning. Might be worth a wee punt.) because the bookies look to be a bit unsure how teams will start the season.

Anyway, the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£13.54

That is quite whopping, isn’t it?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which player Blackburn Rovers were considering signing in 1992, eventually signing Tim Sherwood instead. Anyone? Yes, you at the back? Zinedine Zidane. Correct.

One for this week? Which famous writer played for the amateur club that became Portsmouth FC? There’s one to ask down the pub. For a bonus point - what position did he play?

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to one of our birthday celebrants, a Mr F. Finlay. Sadly, there is no link to his performance in the Morecambe and Wise Show (what Eddie Braben wrote) mentioned earlier (Boo!), but we must thank him for a rib-tickling performance in an episode of the original series of The Black Adder (’Ray!). Ladeez and genullum, I give you Mr Finlay, hamming it up for all he’s worth in Edmund in the dock

 

Happy grambling.