Saturday, 30 April 2022

Post 447 - A murderous gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

I mean, just what is the world coming to? You can't even slaughter a few dozen innocent creatures without some do gooder telling you it's not legal. Actually, they aren't complaining about the killing so much as the method of killing.

Let me explain. [I think you should before the RSPCC see this. - Ed.] I'm a gardener. There, I've admitted it. I like gardening. I've even been known to watch Gardeners World on telly. Anyway, gardeners up and down the land have for years used slug pellets as a means of getting rid of the little bas... blighters. But now, because of those animal welfare nutters, you're not allowed to use them any more. Apparently, they contain metaldehyde which is toxic to other animals such as hedgehogs, cats and dogs. Aww, shame. It might give them an upset tummy... Okay, it might actually kill them, but that's neither here nor there. How am I supposed to get rid of those slugs which seem to think the only reason I plant French marigolds is to give them a square meal?

I've always used slug pellets and, usually, they do the trick. Although quite often some poor creature meets its end by being the first to try and cross the blockade of pellets. Does this deter his mates from doing the same thing? Of course not, they use him as a bridge to get to those lovely green leaves.

Maybe he's a kamikaze slug, taking one for the team so that all the other gastropods can eat...

'Don't wait for me sarge. Just get the others through. Urgh!' (That's him snuffing it.)

So what is the recommended solution from the animal rights loonies? Beer. That's right. And the lighter the better apparently. Yep, slugs and snails prefer lager to Guinness.

I don't know details, but you are meant to put a dish of beer into your garden beds and tubs and gastropods are attracted to it. Indeed, they seem to be quite the bevvy merchants, these slugs; can't get enough of it. Put a dish in with your plants at night and the next day it will be full of dead slugs.

How does it work, I hear you ask. No idea, I say, but here's a thought.

I reckon that the slugs and snails come out for their midnight feast and when they smell the beer, think, 'Wahey! Booze. Shall we have a drink before we start the meal?' So they all start to sup this Tennent's lager or Holsten pis... I'm sorry I'll type that again... I meant pils. No, maybe I didn't. Any road up, before long, the little slimy chums are all merrily sloshed and telling each other, 'You're my best mate, do you know that?' when on of them pipes up, 'Hey, let's go for a midnight swim. Last one in's a nematode!'

And they all dive in before realising that slugs aren't equipped for swimming and commit mass gastropod suicide.

Well, can you come up with a better theory?

How do I end this? With a joke, of course. It's the best slug joke I know. Come to think of it, it's the only slug joke I know. Here goes...

What did the slug say to the snail? [Nothing. They don't talk. - Ed.] Aww, don't spoil it. Come on, what did the slug say to the snail? [Sigh... I don't know. What did the slug say to the snail? - Ed.] Big Issue! Do you get it? Big issue. [Sadly, I do get it. Can I go now? - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 30th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know... not many, though.

Mary II 1662 - The well-known queen.

Dickie Davies 1933 - TV sports presenter.  He usually managed to keep cool on his World of Sport, but live TV being what it is, can lead to a few clangers being dropped.

 

I meant to say cup soccer, honest


Shirley Cain 1935 - Actress. Catherine Coleman in Diamonds. No, I don’t remember that one either.

Bernie Clifton 1936 - Comedian famous for pretending to ride an ostrich. Seriously. It’s funny once, but he’s doing it for 50 years.

Tony Harrison 1937 - Poet. His most famous work was called, simply, V. Here, do you think it was about...

Bobby Vee 1943 - Singer. Had a hit or two. Here is his Number 3 hit from 1961, Take Good Care of My Baby. Bobby Vee - Take Good Care Of My Baby (1961) - YouTube

David Barry 1943 - Actor and writer. Frankie Abbott (F.A.) in Please Sir! and The Fenn Street Gang.

Leslie Grantham 1947 - Actor. Dirty Den in Eastenders.

Merrill Osmond 1953 - Singer. A member of the famous singing troupe. Let’s have a clip. Here are the brothers Osmond, before Donny had managed to take over cuteness/precocious little tw*t duties, on one of their regular appearances on The Andy Williams Show singing Hello Dolly.  Great... didn't they?

Kit Hesketh-Harvey 1957 - Musical performer, translator, composer and screenwriter. In fact, a right old smarty boots.

James Hewitt 1958 - ‘Friend’ of Princess Diana.

Norman Smith 1959 - Political journalist... not the Norman Smith who called himself Hurricane Smith.

Glyn Hodges 1963 - PĂȘl-droediw.

Jim Tavare 1963 - Comedian.

Tim Hawes 1965 - Musician and songwriter. He is responsible for writing this toon for Hear’say (Remember them?) which entered the Guinness Book of Records as the fastest selling debut single of all time. I think that may have been down to the fact that the group won TV talent show Popstars rather than the quality of the material. Anyway, here is Pure and Simple.  Apologies to anyone expecting the Lightning Seeds.

Pooky Quesnel 1966 - Actress. Louise Wilson in The A Word.

Steven Mackintosh 1967 - Actor. Chief Superintendent Winter in Lucky Man. 126 credits on IMDb and counting. First appeared on our screens in 1983 in an episode of Nanny.

Leigh Francis 1973 - Comedian (it says here) better known as Keith Lemon.

Tom Meeten 1974 - Actor, comedian and writer. Sam Hickey in Intruder.

Sam Heughan 1980 - Actor. Jamie Fraser in Outlander.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Grambly Vee,

It was wonderful to hear you singing that wonderful song Take Good Care of My Baby. So sad that you had to put your child up for adoption, but you could only have been about 18 at the time. You were perhaps too young to deal with all the responsibilities of parenthood. Perhaps you should have thought of contraception and you wouldn’t have found yourself in such a predicament. Did you ever meet up with your child? Anyway, what I would like to ask you is, what was your first UK top ten hit?

Yours in anticipitypation,

Rob Urbawl.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

As there was no gramble last week, there is nothing to report so let’s move straight on to The Grambler’s predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

Rochdale vs Bristol Rovers - Away win - 21/20

Scunthorpe vs Hartlepool - Away win - 19/20

Sutton Utd vs Bradford - Home win - 13/20

Swindon vs Barrow - Home win - 11/20

Tranmere vs Oldham - Home win - 4/6

 

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£9.96

Well that isn’t very whopping, is it?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Llandudno in 1958. A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Llandudno Town, but the bulk of my playing career was at Everton; I was there from 1981 to 1998 and hold the record of having the most first-team appearances for the club. I was capped for Wales 92 times.

Answer - Neville Southall

2. Harry Rednapp is the uncle of which football manager?

Answer - Frank Lampard

3. Andy Cole, Alan Shearer, Jermain Defoe, Dimitar Berbatov and Sergio Aguero share what Premier League record?

Answer - They have all scored five goals in a match

4. Which player has made the most Champions League appearances?

Answer - Cristiano Ronald (Obvious really)

5. Which club has the motto Arte et labore (which means by art and by labour) on its crest?

Answer - Blackburn Rovers

Five for this week? But of course.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Chuncheon, South Korea in 1992. A forward, I began my senior career with Hamburger SV before moving to Bayer Leverkusen. Two years later I became the most expensive Asian player in history when I signed with Tottenham Hotspur for £22 million. I have now played over two hundred games for the club, scoring 87 times so far. I have been capped 98 times for my national team.

2. Which Premier League club has had the longest uninterrupted run in the top flight?

3. Which goalkeeper holds the record for scoring goals with 131?

4. Talking of goalkeepers, who is the most expensive goalkeeper in history?

5. A daft one to finish. Name the teams in the current senior leagues in England and Scotland that have the word ‘ton’ in their name. Clue to help: there are n...n...n...n... nineteen.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. C. Hesketh-Harvey. Christopher ‘Kit’ Hesketh-Harvey first found a modicum of fame performing musical pieces with pianist and composer Richard Sisson as Kit and the Widow. Their style was likened to Flanders and Swann or Tom Lehrer. They stopped working together in 2011 and Hesketh-Harvey now performs with James McConnel as Kit and McConnel. It is they who provide this week’s closing piece. The item I have chosen is apt... sort of, given that the French presidential election took place this week and was won by Monsieur Macron.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Monday, 25 April 2022

Post 446 - Heaven knows I'm grambling now

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

I am trapped, readers. I am and all. Trapped in my own home. Indeed, trapped in one room. Yep. I have finally succumbed to covid.

Don’t ask me where I copped it. I have no idea. I was in Err, the other week. Could it have been therr? I was at the hospital for an appointment; it might have been there. I visited a pal. Maybe there. I went out for a meal. Perhaps there. Who knows?

Anyway, I tested positive and Mrs G has decreed that I must isolate in the spare room. Not really a problem. I have my laptop and phone to hand should I want to compose this twaddle. There is no TV... so that’s a blessing. [It would have been more of a blessing if you hadn’t got your laptop...  For us. - Ed.]

Luckily, I have lots of reading material at my disposal because I am in a bedroom which has a bookcase full of erm... books. So many to choose from. Now, what will I pick to cheer me up a bit?

I could go all high-faluting and read about the history of the Glasgow Royal infirmary. Hmm... it might give a history of pandemics. Perhaps not.

I've got a few other history-related tomes... The Endurance, the story of Ernest Shackleton's ill-fated attempt to reach the South Pole. Maybe not.  Auschwitz - The Residence of Death?  Definitely not.

I could opt for one of my many books on motoring. As a bit of a petrolhead, I've amassed a good few over the years. The problem there is that I have read them all at least once.

What about a book on industrial design? It's a topic that has always interested me so I've got a few of those.

[What is this? A tour of your personal library? - Ed.]

Ahem. I could always go for something relating to English grammar. I do try and write these articles using proper sentence type things and words and stuff, so I have a few text books to help me out.

Biographies? I've got a few of those too. I've not read Jack Dee's autobiography yet. I could give that a go. [That sounds good. Who wrote it? - Ed.]

What about a classic novel? I could re-read something by Dickens. [Ooh, I like him. Him with the orange face. Dicken's Real Deal. Him. - Ed.] Jeezo! Dickens! Charles Dickens. Mind you, the endings of many of his stories were rubbish.

Here follows a short history as to why the conclusions to most of his books were unsatisfactory. It is generally agreed that the stories were not written as books. Sorry pardon excuse me? They were written as weekly or monthly serials, much the way a soap opera is presented these days. There will never be a conclusion to Coronation Street or Eastenders [More’s the pity. - Ed.] because they were never conceived as complete stories. Ditto much of Dickens’ work. Pickwick Papers, his first published novel was originally a monthly serial which was published in 1836-7. It really is just a collection of short tales involving the eponymous character which were simply gathered together with an additional section to bring his escapades to a satisfactory or unsatisfactory, depending on your viewpoint, completion.

Most of his books suffer from the same problem of having an ending tacked on. My view is that the results are pretty poor. Oliver Twist? Spoiler alert... How fortuitous that an old gentlemen appears at the end who just happens to be his wealthy grandfather. Great Expectations? It wasn’t the old mad woman that was funding Pip’s education as he always suspected, but the escaped convict last seen in chapter one. We never saw that one coming... mainly because it made no sense whatsoever.

The only well-known work of Dickens that stands up as a decent story with a sensible ending is A Christmas Carol. The reason for that is simple. It was written as a one-off, complete novella.

It must sound as if I don’t like his novels, but I really do. Charles Dickens, in my view, was a great story teller who had a flair for describing the austerity and filthy squalour of Victorian city life so vividly. He wrote about the slums and poverty that he saw around him. His stories were fictional and some of the character names were just bonkers, but the settings were very much factual.

Obviously, A Tale of Two Cities doesn’t count. I don’t think Dickens was around for the French Revolution.

Anyway, Back to the plot; what am I going to read? Something classy, something educational, something to challenge the brain cells...

Ooh! What’s this? Viz. I’d forgotten I had them. Perfect. Now, what's it to be, The Dog's Bollocks or The Camel's Toe?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 23rd of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Malcolm IV 1141 - The not-too-well-known king. Reigned from 1153 til his death in 1165. Known as Malcolm the Maiden. I’ve no idea why. Perhaps he was a few centuries ahead of the current fad for gender fluidity.

William Shakespeare 1564 (Possibly. His exact date of birth is unknown but is generally accepted to be April 23rd) - The well-known playwright.

J.M.W. Turner 1775 - The well-known painter. Very reasonable rates.

James Hayter 1907 - Actor. He did the voiceover for some exceedingly good adverts.

Ronald Neame 1911 - Film producer, director, cinematographer and screenwriter.

Gerald Campion 1931 - Actor. Billy Bunter in Billy Bunter of Greyfriars School. He was 29 when he began playing the schoolboy and was pushing 40 when the last programme was made.

Jack May 1922 - Actor. Nelson Gabriel in The Archers. He probably knew...

Norman Painting 1924 - Actor. Phil Archer in The Archers.

Brenda Cowling 1925 - Actress. Jane in Potter.

Bill Cotton 1928 - TV producer. Son of bandleader, Billy.

Ed Stewart 1941 - DJ.

Sheila Gish 1942 - Actress. Princess Betsy in Anna Karenina.

David Huish 1944 - Golfy bloke.

Will Knightley 1946 - Actor. Pathologist in Cracker. Keira’s dad.

Glenn Cornick 1947 - Musician. Bass player with Jethro Tull. Have a clip. Here’s Bouree. Nice miming lads.

Bernadette Devlin McAliskey 1947 - Politician.

Derek Lord 1947 - Actor. Davie Sneddon in High Road.

David Cross 1949 - Musician. One-time violinist with King Crimson. Have a clip. Here’s Exiles.

Tessa Wyatt 1948 - Actress. Vicky Tripp nee Nicholls in Robin’s Nest.

John Miles 1949 - Musician. A clip? Why not. Here’s Highfly.

Mike Smith 1955 - DJ.

Rob Dean 1955 - Musician. Guitarist with Japan. A clip? I thought you’d never ask. Here’s Quiet Life.

Steve Clark 1960 - Musician. One-time guitarist with Def Leppard. Have a clip. Here’s Love Bites.

John Hannah 1962 - Actor. Batiatus in Spartacus.

Wil Johnson 1965 - Actor. Old Reg in The Larkins.

Ricky Groves 1968 - Actor. Garry Hobbs in Eastenders.

Verona Joseph 1974 - Jess Griffin/Kilburn in Holby City.

Darren Huckerby 1976 - Footy bloke.

Sally Bretton 1980 - Actress. Lucy in Not Going Out.

Taio Cruz 1981 - Singer/songwriter. Had a few hits. Here’s one that topped the charts, Dynamite.

Gemma Whelan 1981 - Actress. Kate in Upstart Crow.

Andy Webster 1982 - Fitba guy.

Dev Patel 1990 - Actor. David Copperfield in The Personal History of David Copperfield.

Charlie Rowe 1996 - Actor. Ray Williams in Rocketman.

Prince Louis 2018 - The well-known prince. [Is he the one from The Jungle Book? Oo be doo, I wanna be like you oo oo... - Ed.] No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Glenn Gramblick,

We did enjoy that Bouree tune where you played the bass so well. Could you answer a question for us? What was Jethro Tull’s highest charting single?

Yours interestedly,

Lee Ving, Ena Passed.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not very well. In fact, it was rubbish. Not a penny back What happened? Read on.

 

Spurs vs Brighton - Home win

Result - Spurs 0 Brighton 1

Boo!

Following a game of few clear-cut chances, Leandro Trossard swerved into the Spurs area in the final minute of normal time before producing a fine finish past Hugo Lloris.

Steven Bergwijn then missed a chance to equalise at the start of stoppage time - one of the home side's rare opportunities.

 

Southampton vs Arsenal - Away win

Result - Southampton 1 Arsenal 0

Curses!

Jan Bednarek scored the game's only goal late in the first half after the visitors had failed to adequately deal with a Saints corner.

Bukayo Saka was denied from point-blank range by Southampton goalkeeper Fraser Forster with the score still goalless, but further clear-cut openings proved hard to come by for Arsenal until the closing stages of the second half.

Emile Smith Rowe forced another fine save out of Forster after latching on to Yan Valery's attempted clearance, before Martin Odegaard dragged a left-footed shot wide of the near post after cutting in from the right.

Forster produced yet another impressive stop to deny Granit Xhaka late on as Arsenal desperately piled forward in search of an equaliser.

 

Rotherham vs Ipswich - Home win

Result - Rotherham 1 Ipswich 0

Yay

The home side nearly went ahead when Rarmani Edmonds-Green's ball was almost touched in by Jamie Lindsay.

Ipswich responded and defender Luke Woolfenden led a counter-attack himself and almost carved out the opener when his cross fell to Wes Burns whose effort was tipped over by Viktor Johansson.

Michael Smith was then denied by Christian Walton after rising highest from Dan Barlaser's corner as both sides continue to push for the breakthrough.

It eventually arrived in the 78th minute when a long ball eventually fell kindly to Smith who curled it in to secure three points.

 

Wigan vs Cambridge - Home win

Result - Wigan 1 Cambridge 2

Blast!

Cambridge dominated early on, with Lloyd Jones heading into the side netting from a corner, before Joe Ironside's header across goal caused panic in the penalty area.

Cambridge eventually found the breakthrough when Ironside was unselfish in laying off Harvey Knibbs, who took the ball down, ignored the presence of battling defenders and slotted into the net.

Adam May's shot from distance was smartly kept out by Wigan goalkeeper Ben Amos, but the warning signs were ignored as Sam Smith raced into the penalty area to head in James Brophy's dinked cross.

Just as in the first half, the hosts struggled to create clear chances after the break until Tom Naylor gave his side a lift by powering in a header.

With the game stretched in a frantic final few minutes, Cambridge defender George Williams missed the opportunity to seal the three points when getting his head to a cross at the near post.

That nearly cost his team, as Wigan substitute Tom Pearce sliced an effort over the bar, before Will Keane was expertly denied by a close-range save from keeper Dimitar Mitov in added time, with the Bulgarian pushing away the rebound just as Josh Magennis closed in.

 

MK Dons vs Sheffield Wed - Home win

Result - MK Dons 2 Sheffield 3

Damn!

The Owls scored three goals in the first half hour from Saido Berahino, Lee Gregory and an outrageous 45-yard lob from Barry Bannan.

Troy Parrott pulled one back before Scott Twine curled in a beauty six minutes into added time.

But, although there were still six minutes more of stoppage time, Dons could not find an equaliser.

 

 

Because this week’s edition is a bit late, The Grambler is having a week off predicting.  He/she/it will be back next time after his/her/its well earned rest.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Arguineguin, Spain in 1986. A midfielder, I began my senior career with Valencia in 2003, making 119 appearances before moving to Manchester City. Between 2010 and 2020, I made 309 appearances for the club, scoring 60 goals. In 2020, I moved to my current club, Real Sociedad. I was capped 125 times for Spain.

Answer - David Silva

2. What winning statistic have Liverpool, Everton, Tottenham Hotspur, Nottingham Forest and Leeds got in common?

Answer - They all won League titles in their first year of being promoted.

3. Which English manager has steered the most clubs to promotion during his coaching career?

Answer - Neil Warnock with 8 clubs. Scarborough, Notts County (twice), Huddersfield, Plymouth, Sheffield Utd. and Cardiff.

4. Which goalkeeper was sent off in a Champions League final?

Answer - Jens Lehmann

5. Which two clubs are known by the nickname ‘The Valiants’?

Answer - Charlton Athletic and Port Vale

What about five for this week? Here goes...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Llandudno in 1958. A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Llandudno Town, but the bulk of my playing career was at Everton; I was there from 1981 to 1998 and hold the record of having the most first-team appearances for the club. I was capped for Wales 92 times.

2. Harry Rednapp is the uncle of which football manager?

3. Andy Cole, Alan Shearer, Jermain Defoe, Dimitar Berbatov and Sergio Aguero share what Premier League record?

4. Which player has made the most Champions League appearances?

5. Which club has the motto Arte et labore (which means by art and by labour) on its crest?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr M. Baynton who (in a mean impression of Morrissey) gives us a brief outline of the life of this week’s Story Time guest, Charles Dickens. It’s another clip from Horrible Histories, I’m afraid, but it’s too good to be wasted on kids. You’ll enjoy this. You will. Take it away Morrissey Matthew.

 

Heaven knows I’m Charles Dickens now.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 16 April 2022

Post 445 - The Grambler on censorship

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

You may recall me mentioning to you that I enjoy playing a scrabble type game on line. You don't? I told you. I did. You must have forgotten. No matter, that isn't what I plan to (g)ramble about today. [Then why are you carping on about it? - Ed.] Let me explain...

It's not the game I am planning to discuss, but the advertising that occasionally pops up on screen. Quite often, these little annoyances try to persuade you to play another game using your phone/tablet/laptop. Gone are the days when your choice was Candy Crush Saga and that was it. Now we are bombarded with ads for word games, who wants to be a millionaire type games, penny falls type things and games where you pop bubbles. Seriously, where is the satisfaction in that? The whole point of popping bubble wrap is getting a wee buzz from achieving that tiny bang. Yeah, l know; some people are easily pleased. But, surely, a virtual version of bubble wrap is missing the point.

Most of the games are a bit of harmless fun, but there are some that seem to me to be anything but. And I'm not talking about the ones that encourage you to gamble... Don't get me started on that one. No, I am talking about those that involve injury... not to the player, but to the characters involved in the games. Yes, I know they are only cartoon type figures but some of the games are really quite nasty.

One is called Evony and it involves trying to get a 'hero' through various obstacles to reach some treasure by pulling pins to open certain doors in the correct order. Depending on how you pull them, our hero can avoid things like molten lava, a vicious tiger and a huge villain armed with a spiky club. Pull the pins in the wrong order and the goodie gets melted, mauled or mashed to death. It's all rather horrible. I don't believe a computer game needs such graphic images. If it were a game you bought for an X Station or Play Box (Do you see what I did there?) there would be an age restriction applied. This game, because it is simply an app, is available to everyone, of any age.

Another game, the name of which escapes me, is rather jokier in its approach with a less serious look to the characters. A character, in this case a king (Why?) has a target and it is the player's task to get him there. Some of the tasks are a bit, shall we say, scatalogical. We have his majesty, clutching his privates in desperation to get to the toilet and it is up to the player to get him past the various obstacles which present themselves. I don't play any of these games, so I don't know what happens if the king doesn't make it. Does he actually fill his pants?

Okay, that one isn’t too bad, apart from being a bit on the crude side. The last game I will tell you about is downright creepy and, worryingly, it suggests that voyeurism is okay. I'm not sure who it is aimed at, but I'm guessing the designer of the game is an out-and-out pervert.

As with the others, I don't turn up the volume when these adverts appear so I may have missed something, but I don't think so. The game is called Breaker Fun and involves a scantily clad young woman gyrating provocatively. It is a cartoon I should add, not an actual person. The premise of the game seems to be that the player tries to make the girl lose the rest of her already skimpy outfit.

He, and it must surely be a he, selects an item of her clothing... say her top or her (very mini) skirt. Having done so, the player scores some points and voila the item of clothing disappears and the woman is even more scantily clad.

That is as far as the advert takes us, thank goodness.

Presumably, the maker of the game is banking on there being plenty of similarly lecherous saddos, desperate to make a cartoon lady totally naked, to make the ad worthwhile.

You could argue that this is simply a bit of harmless fun that is no more dangerous than the old 'What the butler saw' machines that proliferated in seedy amusement arcades in the early part of the twentieth century. However, those machines were strictly adult only; no child would ever go near them... much as they would have liked to.

As I have already said, this advert can be seen by anyone, of any age. What kind of message is it putting out to impressionable kids? That it is okay to get a young woman to take her clothes off simply because you demand it?

You might say I'm just being too prudish by far [You’re being too prudish by far. Now what? - Ed], ahem, but I do feel that all these games, the last one in particular, should not be available to younger audiences. To me, there is a reason for certain material being considered unsuitable for children. In the case of the last mentioned, it is because children are not always capable of working out what is correct behaviour and what is not.

Sadly, some grow up without ever realising there is a difference.

Ooh, that ended on a depressing note, didn’t it? I’ll have to come up with something a bit cheerier to finish on... I know... Parkinsons. [I thought you said it was going to be something cheerier. - Ed.] Please bear with me on this. I am going to refer to an item from my favourite comic newspaper, The Daily Fail. [Think you were right with comic. - Ed.]

As you know, the information given in this august journal [Sarky! - Ed.] is not always strictly accurate. I am referring, in this instance, to it’s daily item called ‘On This Day’ which gives us a few little factoids relating to a given date. This week’s nuggets included the facts that the Johnnie Morris kids’ programme Animal Magic was first shown on 13th April 1962 and I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, the antidote to panel games, was first broadcast on 11th April 1972.

Another item on the 11th of April’s edition of the rag was the fact that James Parkinson was born on that day in 1755. It was he who first noted the ‘shaking palsy’ which later became known as Parkinson’s disease.

What’s cheery about that, I hear you ask. Nothing, other than whoever wrote the item pointing out that only two photographs of James Parkinson were known to exist, but these were later discovered to be fakes. What the journalist didn’t seem to grasp was that the reason for this isn’t really all that surprising. Parkinson died in 1824, some 15 years before the invention of photography.

As a favourite Daily Fail line goes... You couldn’t make it up!

This is not the James Parkinson you are looking for



 

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 16th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Charlie Chaplin 1889 - The most famous film star ever. See Post 443 - A sweet-toothed gramble for a short clip of his work.

Martin Boddey 1907 - Jobbing actor. 135 IMDb credits covering 27 years, so he was in demand (for bit parts, generally). He nailed Officer in The Dancing Years. He was spot on as Store Shopwalker in Laughter In Paradise. And who can forget Policeman with dog in The Man Who Finally Died?

Guy Burgess 1911 - I spy with my little eye something beginning with T. [Traitor. - Ed.] Correct.

David Langton 1912 - Actor. Richard Bellamy in Upstairs, Downstairs.

John Halas 1912 - Animator.

Peter Ustinov 1921 - Actor, film maker and writer.

Kingsley Amis 1922 - Orfer.

John Harvey-Jones 1924 - Businessman and TV presenter.

Joan Bakewell 1933 - Tart.

Vince Hill 1934 - Singer. Had a few hits back in the 60s and 70s. Let’s have our first clip of the week. Here he is walking alongside a river pretending he’s got an orchestra with him. Hope that wig is held on with decent glue, it can get windy on a river. Anyway, here’s Take Me To Your Heart Again.

Gordon Wilson 1938 - Politician.

Dusty Springfield 1939 - Mary O’Brien as was, began her chart career with a folk trio called The Springfields. Would you like an early toon? Here they are sailing on a Little Boat.  That was ‘Fluff’ Freeman introducing them with the biggest load of twaddle you could imagine. Not arf.

Hilary Pritchard 1942 - Actress. Popular in what Mrs Whitehouse would have called smutty films such as Big Boy Now, Under the Doctor and Adventures of a Private Eye. Ooer missus.

Frank Williams 1942 - Formula One team owner and car constructor.

Ruth Madoc 1943 - Actress. Gladys Pugh in Hi-de-Hi!

Gerry Rafferty 1947 - Singer and songwriter. Only one track we can possibly have. [Stuck In The Middle With You? - Ed.] Close, but it’s no Baker Street.

Lee ‘The Bear’ Kerslake 1947 - Musician. Drummy bloke with Uriah Heep on this track, Wise Man. That was from 1977 when curly perms were unfeasibly popular.

Anita Carey 1948 - Actress. Pat in I Didn’t Know You Cared.

Bob Goody 1951 - Actor. Most recently seen as George in 23 Walks.

John Bentley 1951 - Musician. One-time bassist with Squeeze. A clip? I should say so. Here he looks totally bored on a Top of the Pops version of Labelled With Love.

Chaz Jankel 1952 - Musician. He was a Blockhead, you know. Yep, he was the musical genius behind such classics as Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick and Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll. However, here’s a solo effort, Glad to Know You.  Cool dancing, Chaz.

Nick Berry 1963 - Actor. P.C. Nick Rowan in Heartbeat. Here’s a hit he had off the back of it. Guess what it’s called. That's right... Heartbeat.

Rebecca Saire 1963 - Actress. Amelia Sedley in Vanity Fair (1987).

Max Beesley 1971 - Actor and musician. Quite famous these days, but do you know what his first TV performance was? He was a young passer-by in a 1987 episode of Last of The Summer Wine. We’ve all got to start somewhere.

Gary Delaney 1973 - Comedian and Mr Sarah Millican.

Nick Pickard 1975 - Actor. Tony Hutchinson in Hollyoaks and its spinoffs.

Claire Foy 1984 - Actress. Margaret Campbell in A Very British Scandal.

Aaron Lennon 1987 - Footy bloke.

Hayley Squires 1988 - Actress. Laurie Stone in Collateral.

Lily Loveless 1990 - Actress. Naomi in Skins.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gerry Gramberty,

It was wonderful to hear your most famous song Baker Street. Who would have thought Bob Holness could play the saxophone so well? Did you have any other top ten hits?

Yours interestedly,

Nye Towl.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not very well. We did win. Technically, I suppose. From our £2.20 stake we won... fanfare please... 56 pees. Not worthing fanning your fare, was it. What happened? Read on.

Blackburn vs Blackpool - Home win

Result - Blackburn 1 Blackpool 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Marvin Ekpiteta's second-half goal for Blackpool denied Blackburn Rovers victory.

Ekpiteta's side-foot finish just after half-time cancelled out Sam Gallagher's early opener for the home side.

Rovers were almost denied even a point in stoppage time as Joshua Bowler's shot was deflected against the outside of the post.

Blackpool largely held their hosts well in the second half as frustrations grew at Ewood Park.

Their equaliser came three minutes after the break as a corner from the left was not dealt with by Blackburn and fell for Ekpiteta to turn in.

The hosts had a warning moments before as they failed to clear a free-kick and Shayne Lavery's shot was deflected wide.

Blackpool almost took an early lead after Scott Wharton slipped and allowed CJ Hamilton to sprint 30 yards in on goal but he was denied by Rovers goalkeeper Thomas Kaminski.

Minutes later Kaminski floated a long ball over the visitors' defence and found Gallagher, who took two touches into the area and clipped over Chris Maxwell.

 

Bristol City vs Peterborough - Home win

Result - Bristol City 1 Peterborough 1

Ooh! ’It the bar again!

Six minutes after Joe Ward was red carded for bringing Andreas Weimann down when through on goal, Jonson Clarke-Harris converted from close range to cancel out Rob Atkinson's first-half header.

The visitors played well in the first half, hitting the post through Ward and twice going close when midfielder Sammie Szmodics tested goalkeeper Daniel Bentley.

But Atkinson's header from Jay Dasilva's cross put City in front before the break and they looked set for a win when Ward was sent off on 59 minutes.

Clarke-Harris then bundled in after Pearson's men failed to deal with a set-piece and they held on for a point despite Tim Klose heading over when he should have scored.


Millwall vs Barnsley - Home win

Result - Millwall 4 Barnsley 1

Yay!

Wing-back Danny McNamara scored a brace which began with a first-half tap-in, before he headed home after the break.

Barnsley stayed in the game when Romal Palmer smashed the ball in, but clinical finishes from Oliver Burke and Benik Afobe sealed the three points.

Barnsley started with intent and created a great early chance when Palmer played a through ball for Callum Brittain, but the right-back's shot was palmed away by Lions keeper Bartosz Bialkowski, who was again alert when Callum Styles sneaked in behind defenders to squeeze in a strike at the near post.

Millwall worked their way into the game and Daniel Ballard might have done better with a half-volley that went straight into the gloves of Brad Collins, who had to go off moments later after going down holding his arm.

Moments later, substitute stopper Jack Walton was unable to handle his first big test as Jed Wallace's cross was turned home by McNamara.

Millwall continued where they left off after the break with McNamara sealing his brace with a 47th-minute close-range header, only for Barnsley to reply instantly when Palmer rifled a left-foot shot into the top corner.

Burke then finished off a goalmouth scramble following Ballard's header, before Afobe used his skill to add his name to the scoresheet with a neat finish from a tight angle.

 

Nottingham Forest vs Birmingham - Home win

Result - Nottingham Forest 2 Birmingham 0

Yay!

Keinan Davis opened the scoring after five minutes, slotting the ball past Blues goalkeeper Neil Etheridge, who was later stretchered off, from a tight angle.

Forest missed a string of chances to double their advantage, with Brennan Johnson and Joe Worrall off-target.

Forest wrapped the game up 11 minutes from time when Scott McKenna headed in a corner.

It was the perfect start for the hosts as Philip Zinckernagel won the ball to start a quick counter attack, finding Johnson, who fed Davis to allow the striker to power into the area and finish well.

The hosts kept the pressure on and Johnson sent a header over the bar from James Garner's corner after 20 minutes, before Worrall also fired over when following-up a Garner corner.

Birmingham finally tested Forest goalkeeper Brice Samba with two efforts in five minutes just after the half-hour mark with Kristian Pedersen and Taylor Richards both forcing him into smart saves.

Garner sent a curling shot narrowly wide of Etheridge's post shortly before half-time as Forest went into the break a goal up.

Forest came out in the second half with intent to put the game to bed early and Etheridge was forced into three saves, twice denying Davis his second and palming away Ryan Yates' long-distance effort.

There was a lengthy break in play shortly after the hour mark when Etheridge collided with Djed Spence and was carried off after lengthy treatment on the pitch.

Birmingham had struggled to deal with corners all afternoon and in the 79th minute McKenna held off his marker to head in a corner and seal the three points.

 

West Brom vs Stoke - Home win

Result - West Brom 1 Stoke 3

Boo! Totally wrong!

Jake Livermore's own goal put Stoke in front before Jacob Brown's thumping header doubled the lead on the hour.

Substitute Callum Robinson tapped in to give Albion hope and although Andy Carroll went close to levelling with a header, Lewis Baker sealed the points with a breakaway third in injury time.

Albion were off the pace for much of the match and Stoke fully deserved to take the lead from a Tommy Smith free-kick.

The ball was worked down the right and Livermore got the final touch as Baker fizzed a cross into the box.

Steven Fletcher saw his drive well saved by Sam Johnstone before Josh Tymon missed after a nice one-two with Mario Vrancic.

Albion's best moment of the half came when Jayson Molumby capitalised on some sloppy Stoke defensive play to put Carroll through and although his lob beat Jack Bonham, it also went over the bar.

The second half was delayed after an Albion fan in the stand behind the home dug-out needed medical treatment for a head injury and when play resumed, the pattern of the match continued as Stoke went further in front.

Another Smith free-kick caused problems as the Baggies defence was caught cold and Brown rose in between his markers to head home. That triggered an exodus from fans - who had booed the team off again at half-time - with nearly half an hour still to go.

The West Brom manager made a double change to try to inject some energy into his side and the move paid off when Robinson finished off a route-one move via Johnstone's goal-kick and Carroll's flick.

Carroll then saw a trademark header touched on to the bar by Bonham as the home side threatened a comeback but all hope was snuffed out in the seven minutes of injury time when Baker tucked home from a counter-attack after Albion were caught upfield.

 

 

Okay, not the best of weeks. Perhaps The Grambler can make amends this week. [I wouldn’t bet on it. Hang on, that’s the whole point, isn’t it. - Ed.] Let’s see what he/she/it has come up with...

There aren’t many games on today (Saturday) and they are all on at odd times, so I’ve added the times to our list of five games to keep you right. Actually, it’s more about keeping me right.

Game - Time - Result - Odds

Spurs vs Brighton - 12.30 - Home win - 11/20

Southampton vs Arsenal - 15.00 - Away win - 10/11

Rotherham vs Ipswich - 12.30 - Home win - 11/8

Wigan vs Cambridge - 17.15 - Home win - 4/11

MK Dons vs Sheffield Wed - 19.45 - Home win - 7/4

 

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.60

Too whopping for me, that is.  Apologies to anyone who likes a wee flutter based on The Grambler's predictions.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Stoke Newington in 1958 but moved to Ireland at te age of four. A defender, I began my senior career at Arsenal in 1975 and remained with the club for 18 years making 722 appearances, a club record. I ended my playing days at Leeds United who I later managed. I was capped 68 times for Republic of Ireland.

Answer - David O’Leary

2. Who is the only Swiss player have won more than one Champions League Medal?

Answer - Xherdan Shaqiri

3. Which Scottish team has the nickname ‘The Maroon Machine’?

Answer - Kelty Hearts

4. Which club plays at Gander Green Lane?

Answer - Sutton United

5. How many clubs with ‘port’ in their name have played in the English and Scottish Leagues?

Answer - Five (Portsmouth, Port Vale, Newport County, Southport and Port Glasgow Athletic)

What about five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in Arguineguin, Spain in 1986. A midfielder, I began my senior career with Valencia in 2003, making 119 appearances before moving to Manchester City. Between 2010 and 2020, I made 309 appearances for the club, scoring 60 goals. In 2020, I moved to my current club, Real Sociedad. I was capped 125 times for Spain.

2. What winning statistic have Liverpool, Everton, Tottenham Hotspur, Nottingham Forest and Leeds got in common?

3. Which English manager has steered the most clubs to promotion during his coaching career?

4. Which goalkeeper was sent off in a Champions League final?

5. Which two clubs are known by the nickname ‘The Valiants’?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

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Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr JĂĄnos HalĂĄsz who, as John Halas, together with his wife, Joy Batchelor, was a creator of animated films from 1940 until the early 1970s. It is one of their films which end this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog.

Many of their films were government information shorts. Here’s a factoid for you. Did you know that Halas and Batchelor made the first film to have an X Certificate slapped on it by the British Board of Film Censors? Quite apt considering this week’s Story Time. What was this heinous film that was so dangerous and shocking that it was deemed unsuitable for youngsters to watch? A cartoon version of George Orwell’s Animal Farm. Seriously. Obviously, its political overtones were such that it was considered to be a bit too raw for certain individuals, especially those in the USSR and that, presumably was the reason for its restricted access; although I doubt if many kids would understand the hidden meaning. If you don’t know the story, it is an allegory (That’s a good word. Wonder what it means.) of 1917’s Russian Revolution and it painted those involved in an unfavourable light. It was made in 1954, within living memory of the revolution and only a year after Joseph Stalin (who is potrayed as Napoleon the pig, very much the bullying dictator) died. It is available on Ya Tyoob and is worth a watch.

That is not this week’s link, however. The one I have chosen is a short government sponsored film (i.e. propaganda) from 1949 explaining to the British public why fuel costs were rising... Sound familiar? Ladeez and genullum, here is Charley's Black Magic.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.