Friday 24 February 2017

Week 29 - The Grambler on Signor Ranieri yet again


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

I saw an advert on tv the other day. It was a bed company telling us that they recommend that people should change their mattress every eight years. Well, they would say that, wouldn't they? Yet, the first bed I remember buying had a guarantee of ten years. What conclusion is to be drawn here? Are new mattresses inferior in quality to those of 30 odd years ago? Or are bed companies just trying to force us into buying their wares when we don't really need to?

Here's a question. How do you pronounce the word mattress? Is it MATTress, or is it mattRESS? I have always put the emphasis on the first part of the word, but I've heard a few people emphasising the second part. Surely that's not right. Am I just being pedantic? Pronounced pedANtic not PEDantic.

Anyway, about five years ago Mrs G and I decided we needed a new bed. Given that we spend a good third of our existence in a bed, we thought we should buy one of reasonable quality. We spent quite a large sum on our new bed. I won't tell you what we spent, but I will tell you that whoever we told at the time gave the same reaction... You spent how much??? On a bed??? You must be off your rockers!

Suffice to say, it was expensive. Very. At that time, the most popular type of mattress had a 'topper' of 'memory foam'. This is the type our pricy new bed had. The idea is sound; the mattress would conform to your body shape. Thus, it would be ideally suited to your shape and your shape alone. With me so far? Unfortunately, memory foam is easy to confuse. Yes, it shapes itself around you, which is fine if you lie in the exact same position every time you go to bed. But who can do that? Most people turn quite a bit during the night. Thus the shape that the memory foam assumes is a dirty great hollow. Not too good for me with chronic back pain which means, every time I get into said bed with the valley in it, I get sciatica down my legs which, no matter what position I am in, stops me sleeping. Oooh. I’m a martyr to sciatica, me. Every night it’s the same. Well, not exactly the same. It shifts about a bit. One night left leg. Another, it’s the right leg. Then there are nights when it starts in my left leg and moves to my right. Or the other way about. It’s not fussy. Other times I get it in both legs. Wahey! Double the agony... but I don’t like to mention it.

Any road up, after only five years Mrs G and I are looking at buying another new bed. Guess what. The shop we went to doesn't sell beds with memory foam toppers any more. I wonder why not.

All this (g)rambling about mattresses reminds me of my favorite mattress related joke. Come to think of it, it is the only mattress related joke I know.
Come back in time with me if you will to the nineteen sixties. It was a time when mattress design changed. Flock mattresses (simply a large bag of stuffing, in the shape of a mattress, that had to be turned every day) were really old-fashioned; posture-sprung beds were the future...
A fellow was carrying an old flock mattress to the dump when he met a friend.
'Where are you going with that?' enquires the friend.
'I'm taking it to the dump. We've got one of them new posture-sprung mattresses so I'm chucking this old thing out.'
A few days later, the friend sees him again. This time, he is carrying the flock mattress as if heading home.
'What are you doing?'
'I'm taking this flock mattress back home.'
'I thought you'd got one of them new posture-sprung mattresses.'
'We did. But we sent it back. It was too fast for me and the missus.'
Boom and, as it were, tish!


.....oooOooo.....

 

The biggest football story of the week has to be the sacking of Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri. How fickle the world of football is. This time last year, he was hailed as the greatest manager in the world. He had brought a team up from the second tier and within two seasons they won the Premiershit title under his guidance. Now, just nine (admittedly difficult) months later, he’s been given his jotters. There are just 13 games left to play in the league this season and Leicester currently sit just one point above the relegation zone; now is not the time to bring in a new manager. The Grambler’s view? Big, big mistake.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 25th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Thomas Newcomen 1664 (Ironmonger who built the first practical steam engine.), Auguste Renoir 1841 (French impressionist. Probably did people like Sarah Bernhardt... Well, Tommy Cooper and Frank Spencer weren’t around in those days.), Enrico Caruso 1873 (Top tenor of his day. Between 1900 and his death in 1921 he made more than 260 recordings. Here is your first link of the week: your actual Caruso.  These are the earliest known recordings and the quality isn’t bad considering they were made in 1900-01.), Tom Crean 1877 (Who? He was an Antarctic explorer who served on Robert Scott’s ships Discovery and Terra Nova and also on Ernest Shackleton’s Endurance.), Myra Hess 1890 (Tickler of the ivories.), Meher Baba 1894 (Indian spiritual master. Took a vow of silence in 1925 which lasted until his death in 1969.), Herbert Marx 1901 (Who? Known by his stage name of Zeppo, he was the fourth Marx Brother who played the straight role in the five earliest films. He left in 1933 to embark on a career as an engineer and theatrical agent. He died a multi-millionaire.), Jim Backus 1913 (The voice of Mr Magoo.), Gert Frobe 1913 (Cherman ector. Played Goldfinger. Didn’t actually say 'No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die.'  His voice was dubbed by English actor, Michael Collins.), John Arlott 1914 (Cricket commentator famous for a slow delivery but a quick wit... ‘He played a cut so late as to be positively posthumous’.), Anthony Burgess 1917 (Author. A Clockwork Orange was his most famous work.), Larry Gelbart 1928 (Creator of the TV series M.A.S.H.), Tony Brooks 1932 (Racey car bloke.), Faron Young 1932 (Singer. Only had one hit in UK.  All together now... It's four in the morning .), Tom Courtenay 1937 (Ectaw. Billy Liar. That was him.), Herb Elliott 1938 (Strine Ranny blake.), Farokh Engineer 1938 (Not an engineer but a crickety bloke.), David Puttnam 1941 (Film producer. Chariots of Fire. That was one of his.), George Harrison 1943 (The quiet one of the Fab Four. If you have been a regular reader of this blog, you are probably aware that I always thought his work within the Beatles was underrated. I was going to put a link in at this point, but it is pretty much impossible to get any Beatles’ stuff on line. Instead, here is Steve Hillage performing a George Harrison toon.  All together now... It's all too much. ), Francois Cevert 1944 (Another racey car bloke.), Neil Jordan 1950 (Oirish fillum doirector, screenwroiter, novellist and short story wroiter... in fact, a roight owld smarty boots.), Don Quarrie 1951 (Jamaican runny bloke.), Mike Peters 1959 (Welsh singer. Remember the Alarm? No, I’m not reminding you to set the alarm clock. It was a band. They had a hit. They did and all.  This one. Love those 80s hairstyles.), Lee Evans 1964 (Retired comedian. Honest. He retired in 2015. He had been one of the highest-paid comedians at his peak. I went to see him live back in the 80s before he was famous. He was the support act for Bing Hitler. Bing Hitler? Whatever happened to him, eh? [Er, you mean Craig Ferguson who hosts the Late Late Show in the US with a salary in the region of $8.5 million and is worth an estimated $30 million? Yeah, whatever happened to him? - Ed.]) and Ed Balls 1967 (Unfortunate place to have them.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? Absolute rubbish. For the second week running, not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 

Barnsley vs Brighton - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnsley 0 Brighton 2

Yay!

Brighton returned to the top of the Championship as Sam Baldock's two goals gave them victory at Barnsley in Chris Hughton's 100th league game in charge.

Striker Baldock struck a superb half-volley over Tykes goalkeeper Adam Davies early in the second half before slotting home Anthony Knockaert's pass.

 
 
Sam Baldock: ‘Who nicked me car?’

 

Burton Albion vs Norwich - Prediction Away win

Result - Burton 2 Norwich 1

Boo!

Michael Kightly's third goal in as many games earned Championship strugglers Burton a crucial victory over Norwich.

Timm Klose's error gifted Albion the lead as Lasse Vigen Christensen nicked possession and squared for fellow Fulham loanee Cauley Woodrow to tap in.

City levelled when Steven Whittaker's wild shot deflected in off Cameron Jerome for his 11th goal of the season.

But Kightly grabbed a stylish winner, flicking the ball past Russell Martin before lifting a shot over John Ruddy.

 

Port Vale vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Away win

Result - Port Vale 1 Bristol Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

After a goalless first period, the away side almost went in front three minutes into the second half when Chris Lines' charging run left him with only Leonardo Fasan to beat, but he fired just wide from a tight angle.

Vale then took the lead on 54 minutes when ‘Whispering’ Bob Harris attempted to clear Kiko's low cross, but he only succeeded in slicing the ball past his own keeper.

But Rovers were level on 78 minutes when Billy Bodin worked himself some space on the edge of the Vale box before firing an unstoppable shot past Fasan into the top left corner.

Vale almost snatched a 90th-minute winner when Callum Guy latched onto a through ball, but he could not lift the ball over Joe ‘Ann’ Lumley.

 

Barnet vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnet 1 Portsmouth 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Portsmouth had Conor ‘Charlie’ Chaplin's late strike to thank for earning a draw away against Barnet.

Both sides looked out of sorts as passes repeatedly went astray in the opening exchanges.

Pompey eventually had the first effort on goal, Eoin ‘Mrs’ Doyle heading wide from eight yards, while Curtis Weston met Mauro Vilhete's cross just after the half-hour mark to force David Forde into a sharp save at the other end.

Portsmouth boss Paul Cook brought on Chaplin and ‘Broadway’ Danny Rose at the break but the Bees almost went ahead after an hour as Ruben Bover's free-kick clipped the side-netting.

The Spaniard had gone off when Barnet won another set-piece in a similar position but Vilhete deputised brilliantly, bending the ball over the wall to give the Bees an 82nd-minute lead.

However, the home side could not hang on as Chaplin fired a dramatic equaliser into the top corner from 20 yards in the 89th minute.

 

 

Hartlepool vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Hartlepool 1 Plymouth 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Matty Kennedy's stunning strike rescued a point for promotion-chasing Plymouth at Hartlepool.

Kennedy curled the ball home from outside the area with 14 minutes remaining to cancel out Rhys Oates' strike as second-placed Argyle, three points off leaders Doncaster going into the game, took a share of the spoils.

Plymouth began like a side pushing for the title, with Ryan Taylor and Jake Jervis testing young goalkeeper Joe Fryer in the opening exchanges.

Yet Pools grew into the game and took the lead midway through the opening period, Oates powering the ball into an empty net after Luke McCormick had denied Nathan Thomas.

The hosts controlled proceedings thereafter, with Plymouth growing increasingly frustrated.

Kennedy was Argyle's biggest threat, jinking his way past Kenton Richardson and firing over as the game entered the last 15 minutes.

But he made no mistake moments later as he cut inside from the left and curled a stunning 20-yard effort past Fryer.

 

Ho hum. Never mind. Three of those results could easily have gone our way [But they didn’t. - Ed.]. Shall we have a look at what The Grambler has come up with this week? [Must we? - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Charlton vs Bury - Prediction Home win - 10/11

MK Dons vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Sheffield Utd vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Colchester vs Hartlepool - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Mansfield vs Newport County - Prediction Home win - 3/4

 

All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 11th of February. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£9.50

Not such a whopping amount to (not) win this week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which goalkeeper has kept the most Premier League clean sheets. The answer is Petr Cech who in 392 Premiershit appearances has kept 186 clean sheets. Not only that, of the 14 goalkeepers who have had over 100 shutouts, he has the best average of 48 per cent. The next best average was Pepe Reina who in 285 appearances for Liverpool kept 134 clean sheets or 46 per cent.

One for this week? How about a question on the European Cup/Champions league? It is regarding highest goalscorers in the competitions. Which German has been the highest goalscorer in four separate years? A nice easy one there.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr H. (or should that be Z?) Marx. I wanted to end with an amusing moment from one of the Marx Brothers films. Especially one which featured Zeppo. Do you know what? There are very few. This six-second long clip is labelled as Zeppo's best joke. Hmm.

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday 16 February 2017

Week 28 - The Grambler with a hint of Paco Rabanne


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

I may have mentioned in passing that Mrs G and I occasionally buy a newspaper which has a title like the Daily Fail. We only buy it on a Saturday. For the TV guide, you understand. I occasionally glance through this glorified holiday brochure that is laughingly called a newspaper. It is full of the most hate-fuelled bile that I have ever had the misfortune to read. An article on a popular actress, say, might have the headline ‘She was a talented actress with a successful career and a loving husband’ then in goes the knife... ‘So why did she throw it all away for a drug-fuelled hedonistic lifestyle with a dropout student half her age’. Truth is, she probably didn’t; it is just a typical Daily Pail attention grabbing headline.

One headline recently did make me take notice. You know I like a game of Scrabble... You didn’t? Well, I do. When I saw the headline ‘Why Scrabble is a real S-P-O-R-T’ I had to read the article. It seems that the Scrabble world champion wants it to be classified as a sport. [It isn’t April the first yet, is it? - Ed.]. He claims that he had to do a lot of physical training prior to taking his world title. [Pull the other one. - Ed.] He reckons he followed a high protein diet and this coupled with long spells on a running machine gave him an edge over other competitors. [It isn’t that long til April, I suppose. - Ed.]

Apparently an ‘organisation’ called the Mindsports Academy wants Scrabble to be classed as a sport. It also wants chess to be given the same treatment.

How can playing a board game be classed as a sport? It isn’t a sport; it is a pastime.

Ah, you may counter, isn’t that how all sports emerged? Surely, all sports began as just a bit of playful fun; a game. Indeed they did and don’t call me Shirley. But sport isn’t about mental ability, although that is necessary, it is far more about physical skill. I can’t think of any recognised sport that relies solely on mental capacity.

So, what other ‘games’ might be reclassified as sports? Draughts? Dominoes? Ludo? Snakes and ladders? Mon-fn-opoly? What about Kerplunk? Is it any dafter a suggestion?

If the Mindsports Academy feels so strongly about this, may I suggest they follow the route taken by disabled athletes and begin their own olympic games? They could give it a silly combination word like they did with paralympics. Mentalympics? Boredolympics? Sorry, meant boardolympics.

Incidentally, in the past there have been some really daft ‘sports’ at the olympics. Over the years, demonstration sports have included angling, cannon-shooting, firefighting, kite-flying, motorsport and pigeon racing. Between 1912 and 1948 there was even an art competition. Honestly. Painting. How can that ever be classed as a sport?

Also, how can boxing be called a sport? Two numpties knocking lumps out of each other is not sport; it’s assault. If they tried it anywhere else they would get arrested. How many boxers end up brain-damaged thanks to injuries sustained in the ring? Ban it, I say.

Then there is synchronised swimming. Why is that considered a sport? Yes, it is very clever being able to float and sink in time to music, but it’s not sport; it’s an Esther Williams musical.

I am sure I could come up with better ideas for sports. Bubbles. Sorry pardon excuse me? Bubbles. Who can blow the biggest bubble. Indeed, there are two ‘sports’ there... Soap and bubble gum. Hoovering. There’s another one. Who can clean up a given amount of dust using identical vacuum cleaners. Wallpaper hanging. Sending text messages. Throwing a dirty paper hanky into a wastepaper bin. Loads of things could be done competetively in the name of sport.

Hmm... Maybe making Scrabble a sport isn’t so silly a notion, after all.

 


Scrabble champion Brett Smitheram

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 18th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Mary I of England 1516 (The one the drink is named after.), Alessandro Volta 1745 (Inventor of the battery and discoverer of methane. Not quite sure how he discovered methane, but I could make a guess. I wonder if he set fire to them.), Ernst Mach 1838 (Physicist. Him they named the speed after.), Adolphe Menjou 1890 (Murcan actor. Had a film career lasting from 1914 to 1960. One of the few stars to make a seamless transition from silents to talkies.), Hans Asperger 1906 (Paediatrician. He identified the ‘autistic spectrum’. Had a syndrome named after him.), Phyllis Calvert 1915 (Jobbing ectress. Had a film career lasting from 1927 to 1997. Ha! Take that, Menjou!), Jack Palance 1919 (The Meanest Guy That Ever Lived.), Alan Melvin 1923 (Murcan actor and voice man. Played Corporal Henshaw in the Phil Silvers Show and voiced Magilla Gorilla and Banana Split Drooper.), George Kennedy 1925 (Another Murcan actor. He was also in the Phil Silvers Show.), Len Deighton 1929 (Orfer. Created the Harry Palmer character played in the films by Michael Caine. Not a lot of people know that.), Milos Forman 1932 (Czech film director, screenwriter, actor and professor. In fact, a right old smarty boots.), Yoko Ono 1933 (‘If her singing voice was a fight, they’d stop it in the first round.’), Bobby Robson 1933 (Revered foo’y manager.), Mary Ure 1933 (Ectress. Went to school with Wendy Craig, you know.), Francisco Rabaneda Cuervo 1934 (Who? More commonly known by his pseudonym Paco Rabane.), Graham Garden 1943 (A Goodie. Also plays Hamish in You’ll Have Had Your Tea, which was a spinoff programme from two characters Garden and Barry Cryer came up with on I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue when they were playing ‘sound charades’. Here’s a wee link. Quite apt this week.), Michael Buerk 1946 (Rhyming slang.), Sinead Cusack 1948 (Ectress. Sister of Niamh, Sorcha and Padraig. I wonder where they come from.), John Hughes 1950 (Film director responsible for some of the nineteen-eighties’ most popular comedy films.), Cybill Shepherd 1950 (Murcan actress. Trivia: she wanted Harley Venton to co-star in Moonlighting. His loss was our... loss as well, because we got saddled with Bruce Willis.), John Travolta 1954 (Murcan actor. Big fan of James Cagney.), Greta Scatcchi 1960 (Ectress. Trivia: fluent in English, Italian, French and German.), Rob Andrew 1963 (Ruggery bloke [You’re not a very good ventriloquist... oh, I see... ruggery... as in rugby. He’s not rubbery, then. - Ed.], Matt Dillon 1964 (Murcan actor. Never appeared in Gunsmoke.), Andre Young 1965 (Who? Better known as rapper and record producer Dr Dre.), Roberto Baggio 1967 (Italian footy bloke. Don’t mention that penalty.), Colin Jackson 1967 (Welsh runny jumpy bloke.), Molly Ringwald 1968 (‘I’ve been called the Women’s Auxiliary of the Brat Pack.’), Radek Cerny 1974 (Czech footy bloke.), Gary Neville 1975 (Another footy bloke. Phil’s brother.), Ivan Sproule 1981 (Oirish footy bloke.) and Jermaine Jenas 1983 (Yet another footy bloke.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? Absolute rubbish. Not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 
 

Aston Villa vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Aston Villa 0 Ipswich 1

Boo!

Emyr Huws [I wonder where he comes from. - Ed.] scored a late winning goal for Ipswich Town when he turned home David McGoldrick's cross for his first goal for Town.

Huws' effort came moments after McGoldrick had cleared a header from Villa forward Scott Hogan off the line.

Birkir Bjarnason had earlier gone even closer for Villa, hitting the bar.

 

Derby County vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby County 3 Bristol 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Darren Bent's second-half double earned Derby County an unlikely point as they came back from 3-0 down in an astonishing game against Bristol City.

Matty Taylor netted on his full debut and Tammy Abraham scored twice from close range as the Robins dominated an abject home side in the first half.

Headers from Bent and Tom Ince, though, set up a thrilling finale.

Bent's penalty, after Scott Golbourne fouled Ince, denied City a third away league win of the season.

 

Leeds vs Cardiff - Prediction Home win

Result - Leeds 0 Cardiff 2

Boo!

After Greg Halford had failed to head in Craig Noone's first-half free-kick, Sean Morrison converted a similar set-piece from Noone for the Bluebirds' opener.

Kenneth Zohore fired in a second following Aron Gunnarsson's break, to settle it.

Leeds failed to trouble keeper Allan McGregor, and had Liam Bridcutt sent off for two bookings.

 

 

Norwich vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win

Result - Norwich 5 Forest 1

Yay!

Three goals in eight first-half minutes inspired Norwich to a commanding win over Nottingham Forest at Carrow Road.

Jonny Howson's 25-yard volley put City ahead and was followed by Josh Murphy's finish from a tight angle and Wes Hoolahan's half-volley from distance.

Alex Pritchard's low drive made it 4-0 before Forest defender Eric Lichaj was sent off for two yellow cards.

Ross McCormack stroked in a consolation on his debut for the visitors before Pritchard drilled in his second.

 

Reading vs Barnsley - Prediction Home win

Result - Reading 0 Barnsley 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Marc Roberts headed just wide for the visitors in a below-par first half, and Tom Bradshaw volleyed inches over shortly after the re-start.

The Royals responded as Yann Kermogant forced a good, low save from Adam Davies and Garath McCleary went close.

But it was Barnsley who came closest to a winner as forward Marley Watkins struck the base of the post.

Oh dear. No return this week. Perhaps The Grambler can make amends and give us some better predictions this week. [Doubt it. - Ed.]
 

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Brighton - Prediction Away win - Evens

Burton Albion vs Norwich - Prediction Away win - Evens

Port Vale vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Barnet vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Hartlepool vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win - 19/20

 

 

Oh my sweet Jes... What is he/she/it playing at? All five games away wins? Jeezo! All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 11th of February. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£13.14

Hmm. A bit too whopping for my liking.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which England player has made the most appearances in the World Cup finals competition. The answer was, of course, Peter Shilton. He made 17 appearances in three World Cups - 1982, 1996 and 1990. Quite an achievement considering he was 32 when he played in his first.

One for this week? Let’s stick with goalkeepers, shall we? Since the inception of the English Premiershit, which goalkeeper has kept the most Premier League clean sheets? Hmm... One to ask them down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign



…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr R. Robson, who was in this week’s birthday honours list. Rather than finish with a link for you to click on, we end with a few of Sir Bobby’s comments relating to football. Like so many people who talk about the beautiful game, he was prone to the occasional gaffe...

"Manchester United dropped points, Liverpool dropped points, Chelsea dropped points, Everton dropped points, so in a way we haven't lost anything at all really, although we dropped all three."

"I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final."

"He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss."

"Eighteen months ago Sweden were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like."

"We can't replace Gary Speed. Where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head?"

"Gary Speed has never played better, never looked fitter, never been older."

“Alan Shearer has done very well for us, considering his age. We have introduced some movement into his game because he has got two good legs now. Last season he played with one leg.

"People want success. It's like coffee, they want instant."

“Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that.”

“Some of the goals were good, some of the goals were sceptical.”

"He's the only man I know who could start an argument with himself" (On Craig Bellamy)

"One day, someone will end a football game scoring more than Brazil. This might be the time that they lose."

"Denis Law once kicked me at Wembley in front of the Queen in an international. I mean, no man is entitled to do that, really."

"Home advantage gives you an advantage."

"Look at those olive trees! They're 200 years old - from before the time of Christ."

"In the first half he took a corner, a poor corner, which hit the first defender, and it took him 17 minutes to get back to the halfway line." (on former Newcastle winger Laurent Robert)

"With Maradona, even Arsenal would have won the World Cup." (in 1986)

“They're two points behind us, so we're neck and neck.”

“We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.”

“Hitler didn't tell us when he was going to send over those doodlebugs, did he?” (On why he refused to name his England team before a World Cup qualifer against Sweden in 1989).

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 10 February 2017

Week 27 - The Grambler on Leicester City


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

A week is a long time in politics. So said Harold Wilson. Dinah Washington also thought a day made quite a difference. This can also be applied to football; especially the January 31st transfer window closing. Some players got transferred to bigger clubs and received bumper payouts; others thought they might be moving for a big fee only to have their hopes dashed at the very last minute. Well, fairly close to the last minute.

However, in the case of Signor Ranieri, what a difference a season makes. Can you recall this time last year when Leicester were sitting pretty at the top of the Premiershit? Where are they this year? Fifth bottom of the division with only two points separating them from bottom-placed Sunderland.

Some Leicester fans are braying for the head of Claudio Ranieri; others are more sanguine and see last season as being a one-off and this year it is a case of normal service being resumed.

Now, given that Leicester raked in £93 million for winning the league last year, you would have thought Ranieri would be a good enough manager to use some of that money to strengthen the team. Indeed he has spent and has signed 13 players since winning the league. Unfortunately, they seem to have weakened rather than strengthened the squad. Thus, like so many seasons in the past, the final few games will see Leicester fighting to remain in the top flight.

Regarding the money gained by the club for winning the championship, I have a question. Why did second-placed Arsenal receive over £100 million? Indeed, the third, fourth and fifth placed teams also got a bigger windfall than Leicester. Something wrong there by my reckoning.

Will they be relegated immediately after winning the league? I am not the only one who fears the worst. At least they wouldn’t be the first it happened to.

Herfolge Boldklub [Bless you! - Ed.] were relegated from the Danish top division in season 2000-01 after winning the title the previous year. Given that there are only twelve teams in that league it perhaps wasn’t seen as being such a great fall from grace.

Nurnberg did the same thing in the Bundesliga, being relegated in the 1968-69 season. Their spectacular fall was very much due to managerial blunders. The manager at the time decided to have a clearout of players and brought in thirteen much younger players to ‘build for the future’. His plan backfired and, as well as them dropping out of the league, he was dropped out of his job.

Manchester City won their first ever league one title in season 1936-37, but next year they were relegated despite being the division’s highest scorers that season. Unfortunately, they also conceded more goals than any other team.

Last season, if you had placed a bet on Leicester to win the league, you would have been quoted 5000/1; at the start of this season you could have got 25/1 for them to drop straight down to the Championship. In fact, those odds have now been slashed to just 5/2.

I do hope they don’t go down. Ranieri is too nice a guy. The irony of it all is that Leicester are still in the Champions’ League and, apart from losing 5 nil to Porto when it didn’t really matter because they had already qualified for the next round, they haven’t been beaten. I wonder if a wee double on them winning the Champions’ League and also being relegated is worth a wee punt...

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 11th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Henry Fox Talbot 1800 (Photographic pioneer and patent pain.), Thomas Alva Edison 1847 (Inventor and another patent pain.), Beulah Louise Henry (Inventor and yet another patent pain.), Max Baer 1909 (Boxy bloke.), Joseph L. Mankiewicz 1909 (Film director, producer and screenwriter famous for his dirty candles.), Sidney Sheldon 1917 (Seventh best-selling fiction writer of all time.), Eva Gabor 1919 (Duchess in the Aristocats.), Leslie Nielsen 1926 (I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.), Dennis Skinner 1932 (The beast of Bolsover... Don’t mention Dodgy Dave.), Mary Quant 1934 (Introduced the mini skirt to the world of fashion.), John Surtees 1934 (Racey bloke. The only man to have won world titles on two wheels and four.), Gene Vincent 1935 (All together now... Well... Be Bop a Lula...), Burt Reynolds 1936 (Actor who I would like to answer a question... Are you happy with your cosmetic surgery, Burt?),

 

Burt Reynolds looking uncannily like a waxwork model being melted down.
 
Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett 1938 (One hit wonder. You know the one. You do.  I was working in the lab late one night...), Gerry Goffin 1939 (Lyricist. With wife Carole King wrote hunners of songs including this.  Question.  Who’s Miriam?), Sergio Mendes 1941 (Brazilian musician. You’ll recognise this... Mas Que Nada.), Derek Shulman 1947 (Gentle Giant singer. Another link, vicar? Here is Derek from an even earlier incarnation. Do you remember Kites?  Apologies for the dodgy video.), Sheryl Crow 1962 (Not really a crow. She is actually a singer. Another link? Why not? Here’s All I Wanna Do.), Sarah Palin 1964 (‘No more pussyfootin' around! Our troops deserve the best.’ Ye gods!), Jennifer Aniston 1969 (A friend.), Damian Lewis 1971 (Ectaw. Pretends to be American a lot.) and Steve McManaman 1972 (Footy bloke. All together now... McManaman... doo doo, doo doo doo... McManaman... doo doo doo doo...).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? We won. Yay! No, not yay. We only got £2.13 back, so we actually lost 7 pees. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Newcastle vs Derby - Prediction Home win

Result - Newcastle 1 Derby 0

Yay!

Matt Ritchie's first-half strike took Newcastle back to the top of the Championship as former boss Steve McClaren's return to St James's Park ended in defeat.

 

Matt Ritchie celebrates his goal by pretending to be a lion.

 
Bradford vs Gillingham - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 2 Gillingham 2

Ooh! ’It the bar

Gillingham took the lead in the 14th minute when Ryan Jackson's long throw fell to an unmarked Josh Wright and he drilled in his third goal in as many games.

But a minute later Mark Marshall hung up a cross to the far post where Charlie Wyke headed home.

The Bantams took the lead when Wyke was fouled on the edge of the area and, after Billy Clarke's free-kick was tipped on to a post by Stuart Nelson, Tony McMahon tucked in the rebound.

Deji Oshilaja levelled four minutes into the second half when Jackson's ball found its way to the back post where the defender stabbed home.

 

Accrington Stanley vs Notts County - Prediction Home win

Result - Accrington 2 Notts County 0

Yay!

Defender Harvey Rodgers, on loan from Hull, headed home on 45 minutes, while substitute Noor Husin, who signed from Crystal Palace on Tuesday, had an easy tap-in to secure a vital three points for Stanley and plunge Kevin Nolan's side deeper into trouble.

 

Falkirk vs Dunfermline - Prediction Home win

Result - Falkirk 2 Dunfermline 0

Yay!

Lee Miller headed a free kick into the path of John ‘Logie’ Baird to fire in the opener on 34 minutes.

Midway through the second half, Sean Murdoch made an impressive save to deny Baird but Miller was on hand to tuck in the loose ball.

 

Brechin vs Stenhousemuir - Prediction Home win

Result - Brechin 2 Stenhousemuir 2

Ooh! ’It the bar

Andy Jackson gave Brechin the lead after only three minutes with a left-footed shot into the bottom right hand corner. Willis ‘Nellie’ Furtado equalised for Stenny just four minutes later. Oli Shaw put Stenhousemuir in front with 16 minutes on the clock. Brechin equalised soon after the second half restart with Dougie Hill’s shot on target.

Stenny had to play out the last quarter of an hour with a man down when David Marsh was shown a second yellow card.

 

Ooh... so close. Any road up, what can The Grambler come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Derby County vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Leeds vs Cardiff - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Norwich vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Reading vs Barnsley - Prediction Home win - 10/11

 

Oh dear. The Grambler seems to have got stuck in a division again. All five matches are in the English Championship (or division two in old money). All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 11th of February. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£11.29

Hmm. Not quite as whopping as last week, but still reasonably whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that only four Scottish players have won Premier League winners medals. Three of them won theirs with Manchester United. I asked you who was the fourth and with which club did he achieve his medal. The three Man U players were Darren Fletcher (5), Brian McClair (4) and Darren Ferguson. The lone non-Man U player was Colin Hendry who won his medal with Blackburn Rovers.

One for this week? How about a World Cup question? Which England player has made the most appearances in the World Cup finals competition? I reckon that’s quite a good one.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr R. Newhart who provides us with our finishing link. Why? Because this link tells us about birthday boy Thomas Edison’s greatest invention.

 
 

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 4 February 2017

Week 26 - Happy grambleday Alice Cooper


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

An incredibly late (g)ramble this week. Blame a drip in my bathroom. No, not me. An actual wet water type drip which found its way into the kitchen below. Saturday is not the day for finding plumbers, is it? I hope my tardiness hasn’t spoiled your weekend. [Quite the reverse, I would suggest. - Ed.] Anyway, here is this week’s belated (g)ramble...

I have often wittered on about my dislike of social media. I have never said much about another bugbear of mine; cyber crime, I think it is called. You are probably thinking that I am referring to those criminals that hack into accounts and steal money from you. Yes, that certainly worries me, but that is not the crime I wish to (g)ramble on about today.

The cyber crime that I am annoyed about is the sort of thing Norton or Amazon get away with. What the devil am I talking about, I hear you query. Have you ever bought something from Amazon and been offered speedy delivery if you sign up to a free trial of something called Prime? Yes? Did you fall for it? Of course, Amazon rely on you forgetting that you accepted the offer and also forgetting to cancel the deal before the free trial comes to an end. And when that happens? Voom! Your bank balance is suddenly a few quid less than you thought it should be.

Do these companies refund the money when you realise your mistake? Of course not. Didn’t you read the terms of the agreement, they will ask. Does anyone read the terms of the agreement? I doubt it. Anyway, they will point you in the direction of sub-section 18, paragraph 4, clause b, item iii, where, if you had bothered to look, you would have noticed that you have signed up to accept whatever the product is for a full calendar year after taking advantage of the ‘free trial’. Ha! Free trial my old boots! There’s no such thing.

Here is another example of cyber crime that occurs every year without fail. My house insurance is paid on an annual basis by direct debit. Okay so far. Say it cost £200 last year. [Okay. ‘It cost £200 last year.’ Now what? - Ed.] Ahem... When it was due for renewal, I received a letter which states simply that my house insurance is due for renewal and £300 will be taken from my account on such-and-such a date. That is it. No explanation for a 50% hike is given. Obviously, I phone them to query the new price. There is no apology about them trying to rob me. Instead, I am told that I could qualify for a ‘loyalty discount’ or a ‘no claims discount’. What they really mean is that their con has been spotted and they will put it right. But do they? They will do a quick ‘calculation’ and tell me that the new cost of my premium will be £220. I then accept the figure and thank them. It is only after putting the phone down and congratulating myself that I have saved myself 80 quid that I realise I have just volunteered to pay 10% more than I did last year. Doh!

I believe that when they compose those letters to their customers, the insurance company people know that they can’t lose. The only way they might lose is if somebody just cancels their insurance with them. They know, though, that most people won’t do that. Can’t be bothered with all the hassle, see. However, the insurance company people are well aware that many people won’t even query the letter. They will just think that home insurance cover has gone up a bit and do nothing about it.

Legalised crooks, that’s all they are.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 4th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Nigel Bruce 1895 (Dr Watson.), Charles Lindbergh 1902 (First man to fly solo across the Atlantic. So famous was he that there was even a dance named after him - the Lindy hop which, as this clip from my favourite 1941 film Hellzapoppin shows, was a little bit frantic - Spot the continuity slip.), Rosa Parks 1913 (The first lady of civil rights.), Norman Wisdom 1915 (Albania’s favourite film star.), Ida Lupino 1918 (the English Jean Harlow.), John Steel 1941 (An Animal.), Dan Quayle 1947 (George Bush Snr’s vice-president. He was thought to be a bit dim at the time. In hindsight, after Dubya and Mr Fart, he appears something of a brainbox.), Vince Furnier aka Alice Cooper 1948 (No intro needed... All together now... Well we got no choice .), Dara O’Briain 1972 (He talks funny.), Natalie Imbruglia 1975 (Strine seenger ind ictriss.) and Darren O’Dea 1987 (Oirish footy bloke.),

 
.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did we do last week? We got some money back. Not much. 74 pees. Rubbish, or what? What happened? Read on...

 

 

Bristol Rovers vs Swindon - Prediction Home win

Result - Bristol Rovers 1 Swindon 0

Yay!

Billy Bodin's 29th-minute effort earned Bristol Rovers victory over Swindon Town in a low-key West Country derby in League One.

The midfielder's left-footed shot from just outside the box went in via both posts, the ball rolling across the goal-line before spinning in.

Bolton vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Bolton 1 Charlton 2

Boo!

Patrick Bauer and Nathan Byrne helped Karl Robinson's men complete a perfect smash and grab, cancelling out Zach Clough's free-kick.

The Addicks' were a man short from the 12th minute onwards following Lewis Page's red card.

After Page was sent off for a professional foul on Josh Vela, Clough then made the punishment count double with a brilliant free-kick, his ninth goal of the season.

But Robinson's side refused to lie down, equalising on 23 minutes when Jake Forster-Caskey's free-kick was turned in at the far post by defender Bauer.

The Addicks then grabbed a shock lead in first-half stoppage time when Forster-Caskey led an impressive counter, feeding Byrne to slot the ball under the advancing Ben Alnwick.

Carlisle vs Barnet - Prediction Home win

Result - Carlisle 1 Barnet 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Charlie Wyke put Carlisle in front by scoring his 18th goal of the season, but John Akinde replied with a penalty for the Bees after the visitors had Simeon Akinola sent off.

Portsmouth vs Exeter - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 0 Exeter 1

Boo!

David Wheeler scored the only goal of the game as Exeter City extended their unbeaten run to 10 games with victory over fellow League Two play-off hopefuls Portsmouth.

Yeovil vs Doncaster - Prediction Away win

Result - Yeovil 0 Doncaster 3

Yay!

Doncaster were always going to be favourites and their captain James Coppinger was first to seriously threaten as he hit the outside of the post from 20 yards.

Seven minutes later and the visitors did take the lead. A well-worked free-kick routine caught the home side napping as Conor Grant's cross was swept in by Mathieu ‘Long John’ Baudry.

By the 35th minute it was 2-0, Matt Butcher at fault as he lost the ball to Coppinger who found John ‘Mary’ Marquis and the striker hit it low past Artur Krysiak.

The second for Marquis was a superb individual effort on 80 minutes, as he broke from the halfway line and into the box before finding the bottom corner.

Ho hum. Can The Grambler do any better this week? [Doubt it. - Ed.] Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected.

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Derby - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Bradford vs Gillingham - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Accrington Stanley vs Notts County - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Falkirk vs Dunfermline - Prediction Home win - Evens

Brechin vs Stenhousemuir - Prediction Home win - 10/11

 

All matches kick off at 3pm on Saturday the 4th of February. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£11.96


Hmm. Reasonably whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you in which year the FA Cup was first won by a team that contained no players to have been capped at full international level. It was also the first time a team from outside the top division of English football won the cup. Well, the library book and Last of the Summer Wine should have helped you. Like those two, the year was 1973. The team? Sunderland.

One for this week? Only four Scottish players have won Premier League winners medals. Three have won theirs with Manchester United. Who was the fourth and with which club did he achieve his medal? Fairly easy, do you think?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr N. Wisdom, one of our birthday celebrants, who helps to provide this week’s finishing clip. I told you he was a huge star in Albania. His films were the only ones by a western actor which Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha allowed to be shown. Comedian Tony Hawks came up with an idea that he could compose a number one hit record - his book One Hit Wonderland tells the tale - and with Tim Rice wrote this which they performed on Albanian television. Ladeez and gennulum here is Big in Albania performed by Norman Wisdom and the Pitkins.

Would you like a wee factoid? Do you remember the Beeb Beeb Ceeb sitcom Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em starring Michael Crawford? Well, Michael wasn’t the first choice to play Frank Spencer. One actor considered for the part was your man Norman Wisdom. Jeez! Can you imagine that? I can only say, Norman’s loss was our gain.

 

 


 

Happy grambling.