Saturday 20 July 2019

Week 46/47 - The Grambler gets ripped off... again


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Apologies for there being no edition of your favourite ill-informed blog last week, I was away with Mrs G for a short holiday. What? Oh yes, we enjoyed it very much, thanks for asking. [I hadn’t even realised you didn’t publish the blog... Shows how much notice I take. - Ed.]

We went to Krakow in Poland. As with so many European cities, it is steeped in history; the most obvious historical reference is the treatment of the Polish Jews at the hands of the Nazis during WWII.

This being a less than serious blog, I would be better to avoid the worst atrocity this world has seen in recent times and stick with lighter fayre... such as being ripped off by a taxi driver. Again.

Anyone who has been a reader of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog since its early days might recall an article I wrote about being conned in Barcelona some years back. On that occasion the driver in question drove us for what seemed like half an hour before depositing us exactly 50 yards from the point we had set off from. We didn’t realise that we had been duped until the next day and we vowed to be more careful in future.

So how did we get stung again? Pull up a chair and I’ll tell ee...

We had asked the receptionist at our small, but friendly, hotel [What is this? Trip Advisor? - Ed.] to book us a taxi to take us to a restaurant for our evening meal. The driver arrived on time and drove us to a point very close to the restaurant in question. He had to take a wee detour here and there to avoid roadworks and pedestrianised areas. Fair enough. He had got us where we wanted to go, so, no problem with that. He then charged us 12 zloty. How much is that, I hear you ask. Well, the current exchange rate is something like four and a half zloty to the pound, so we were charged approximately £2.65 for our journey. Don’t tell me you are moaning about that, I hear you protest. No, I was perfectly happy with that. Indeed, he received a sizeable tip... mainly because he had a pretty decent radio station playing some good music. I didn’t expect to be listening to Rush in Poland.

Any road up, our evening had started well and the food in the restaurant was enjoyable. There was even some traditional Polish entertainment thrown in. We had a great night.

However, our evening was about to take a bit of a nosedive.

In hindsight, we should have arranged for the proprietor of the restaurant to organise a taxi to take us back to our hotel. Instead, we just headed to the nearest taxi rank and got into the first cab.

Rule one: do not get into a taxi where you have trouble trying to make the driver understand where you want to go. He spoke no English and we, being Brits abroad, had made no attempt to learn the language of the country where we found ourselves.

Rule two: do not get into a taxi where the driver hides his meter from view before he sets off.

The journey from hotel to restaurant had taken no more than ten minutes, even with the various detours. On the journey back, this guy went down all kinds of narrow alleyways. I assumed that he was doing this to avoid the roadworks but, when I spotted that he had been within a block of our hotel before he turned down another alley in the opposite direction, I realised we were (literally) being taken for a ride. After ten minutes we were still being driven up and down narrow alleyways. He eventually stopped and shrugged before pointing in the general direction of our hotel.

I was not happy. He gave the impression that he didn’t know the place we were staying. Given that we had to find our way from that point, possibly even needing to get another taxi, I offered him 10 zloty. He shook his head angrily and said that it cost 40 zloty (So, he could speak English, after all.). Sorry pardon excuse me? A taxi door-to-door costs 12 zloty and a taxi from door-to-god-knows-where costs 40? I don’t think so matey. I’m not sure if his English was of a standard to understand the terms ‘on your bike’, ‘rip-off merchant’ and ‘conman’ but, having got those off my chest, I gave him 20 zloty and got out of the cab.

It dawned on me after the event that he might well have locked the doors with me in the car and driven to the nearest polis station. It could have cost me a lot more than 40 zloty in fines.

I think it didn’t end that way because the driver knew he was in the wrong and feared for his licence.

Was that the end of our escapade? Not quite. As I said, we were dropped off somewhere we didn’t know; we now had to find our way to the hotel. We went into a nearby takeaway-shop to ask for directions, expecting to have to order another taxi. The girl who worked there spoke reasonable English and promptly took her mobile phone and checked our location. She reckoned we were very close, although she hadn’t actually heard of the hotel where we were staying... but we were definitely very near... ooh, only two minutes, maybe seven (?)

We stepped out of the shop and looked across the road... Hang on, isn’t that the cake shop immediately opposite our hotel? Yup, we were about two doors away from our destination.

Maybe I was a bit hard on that taxi driver... He was still a rip-off merchant, though.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 13th of July? Of course there were. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Julius Caesar 100BC (Roman leader. Looked nothing like Kenneth Williams.), Eric Portman 1901 (Ectaw.), Kenneth Clark 1903 (Historian.), Alberto Ascari 1918 (Racey car drivery bloke.), Bob Crane 1928 (Actor. Hogan of heroes fame.), Patrick Stewart 1940 (Ectaw dear leddie.), Harrison Ford 1942 (Actor. Indiana Solo.), Roger McGuinn 1942 (A Byrd. Have a clip. How high?), Chris Serle 1943 (Journalist.), Cyril Knowles 1944 (Footy bloke. He was the subject of this.), Emo Rubik 1944 (Inventor of the cube.), Ashley Mallett 1945 (Crickety bloke.), Cheech Marin 1946 (Chong’s pal.), Ian Hislop 1960 (Him off of Have I Got News for You.), Anders Jarryd 1961 (Tennisy bloke.), Neal Foulds 1963 (Snookery bloke.) and Craig Bellamy 1979 (Footy bloke.).

And now... July the 20th. Alexander the Great 356 BC (Fireplace.), Tom Crean 1877 (Explorer.), John Reith 1889 (Co-founder of the British Broadcorping Casteration.), Edmund Hillary 1919 (Mountain climbing bloke.), Jacques Delors 1925 (Politicky bloke.), Heather Chasen 1927 (Ectress.), Sally Anne Howes 1930 (Ectress. She was truly scrumptious.), Cormac McCarthy 1933 (Orfer.), Rex Williams 1933 (Snookery bloke.), Roger Hunt 1938 (Footy bloke.), Diana Rigg 1938 (Ectress.), Natalie Wood 1938 (Actress.), Wendy Richard 1943 (Actress. Miss Brahms that was her. She had a hit record once... sort of.), Kim Carnes 1945 (Singer. Here’s her ‘it, Bette Davis Eyes.), John Lodge 1945 (A Moody Blue. Here’s a solo effort.), Carlos Santana 1947 (Geetarist. Here’s an early ‘it, Samba Pa Ti.), Jeff Rawle 1951 (Ectaw. George Dent. That was him.), Desmond Douglas 1955 (Table-tennisy bloke.), Paul Cook 1956 (A Sex Pistol. Have a clip. Here is Silly Thing.), Chris Cornell 1964 (A bit of Soundgarden.  Time for a clip.), Sebastiano Rossi 1964 (Portiere.), Courtney Taylor-Taylor 1967 (A Dandy Warhol. A clip? Why, soitenly. Sing along if you fancy... You got a great car...), Sandra Oh 1971 (Actress. Her from off of Killing Eve.), Claudio Reyna 1973 (Saccer guy.), Nicola Benedetti 1987 (Rerr fiddler. Here’s an apt clip for this week.) and Niall McGinn 1987 (Footy bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

 

Dear Mr Garbo,

Thanks for including the Steve Jones and Paul Cook track Silly Thing in this week’s selection of links. We are both big fans of the Sex Pistols and have a little teaser for you. What was the first Sex Pistols song to chart, reaching number 38 in 1976?

Yours inquiringly,

Anne R. Kay, Ian D. U. Kay.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened with the last bet we had? It was a complete and utter waste of time. Did it lose? No. Did it win? No. The return was exactly the same as the stake money. £2.40. As I said, a waste of time.

Shall we try again? What has The Grambler come up with this week? What randomly selected predictions are we going to get? Let us see...

 

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Ripon - 1.45 - Calippo - 10/11

Newbury - 1.50 - Fox Chairman - 8/11

Newbury - 3.00 - The Tin Man - 2/1

Curragh - 4.00 - Pistoletto - 8/11

Doncaster - 5.40 - Debawtry - 9/4

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator plus 20 pee each way cop out bet) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£22.32

 

Uh oh... far too whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last time I asked you which Liverpool manager had been the most successful in Europe. The answer was Bob Paisley who presided over three European Cup wins. Incidentally, the other managers (with one trophy each) were Joe Fagan, Gerard Houllier and, of course, Herr Klopp.

One for this week? Here is an oddity. Which player has been the most used substitute in the Premier League? Hmm... very interesting.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, it is a very special anniversary today. It is exactly 50 years since Messrs Armstrong and Aldrin stepped onto to moon with the memorable (and obviously planned) words ‘A small step for man, but a giant leap for mankind.’ What a pity Neil fluffed his lines and forgot the ‘a’ before the word man.

I thought something to mark the occasion should end this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog. A song perhaps. Something to do with the Moon... Walking on the Moon? Everyone’s Gone to the Moon? Fly me to... No. None of these. One of my favourite bands, then and now, came up with a song to mark the occasion. However, Ian Anderson, Jethro Tull’s writer-in-chief, commemorated the event from a slightly different angle. Ladeez and genullum, I give you For Michael Collins, Jeffrey and Me complete with lyrics.
 
I went to the moon, me.
Honest.  No kidding. I did an' all.
 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 5 July 2019

Week 45 - Grambling at this year's Tea for Stewart


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Let’s begin with a joke from George. Take it away George...

A gorilla goes into a bar...

 

Why have you stopped?

I thought you were going to interrupt.

As if. Why would I do a thing like that? Perish the thought. Go on.

Okay. A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a pint. The barman gives him his drink and says, ‘That’ll be ten pounds, please... We don’t get many gorillas in here.’ and the gorilla says...

Hang on... Did you say gorilla?

[Sigh] Yes.

The big hairy, King Kongy type thing?

Yes.

I thought you said driller as in oil industry. Or holes in road. Or dentistry. Gorilla? That’s ridiculous. Who ever heard of a gorilla going into a pub and ordering a drink as well?

And ten pounds a pint? That’s a bit steep. That gorilla’s being ripped off, I reckon. They think they can charge what they like in these places. Especially when it comes to primates who probably haven’t got much of a clue when it comes to financial matters.

Well, I’m saying it’s a bit steep at ten pounds, but this is being written BBB... before Boris and Brexit. Anyone who is reading this after Boris becomes PM and we have left the EU may well be longing for the days when a pint cost only a tenner.

Anyway, George, what was the gorilla about to say?

Oh... he’s gone again.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Those of you who have stuck with the world's greatest ill-informed blog will know that twice a year we, the family and friends of Stewart (the founder of thegrambler.com), run big money-raising events for the Bobby Moore Fund, the charity that Stewart always said was close to his heart and his bowels. In spring, the Kick Cancer's Backside quiz was held and raised lots of pennies for the BMF which, as you all know, does sterling work in improving treatments and looking for a cure for bowel cancer.

Last weekend, the second big fundraiser took place. The sixth annual Tea for Stewart was held.

Sadly, for you readers, this week's blog will be incredibly dull [So what's new? - Ed.] because the event ran like clockwork. Mrs G, who organises the whole event has now got it down to a T (or tea, if you prefer) so there are no tales of cock ups, calamities and catastrophes to relate this year.

Mrs G has a veritable army of helpers on the day who have also been carrying out their duties for so long that they need very little guidance from her when it comes to serving the folk who come along to partake of the food and drink on offer.

And there are plenty of goodies on offer. A welcome drink is provided before the punters are even in their seats. For the non-drivers there is a choice of prosecco, sangria or Pimms [What's a pimm when it's at home? - Ed.] and for those in charge of the car keys there is pink lemonade. Coffee and tea is also provided in abundance, as is food.

Have you ever been to an afternoon tea? You will know, then, that the usual fayre comprises a sandwich or two, a scone and a cake or two. If prosecco is on offer, it is one small glass.

Enough, do you think? Not according to Mrs G, it isn't. Tea for Stewart has sausage rolls (plural), various nibble sized savouries (again plural), sandwiches (as many as you can eat), cakes (again, as many as you can eat) and even mini cheesecakes.

Something that Mrs G provides that no other afternoon tea does is a free raffle and a party game or two.

It all adds up to a fun afternoon.

Ah, you may be saying, all that food, drink and raffle prizes won't come cheaply. It must be quite pricey to attend this Tea for Stewart. Actually, no. The bread and pancakes are all donated by a local bakery which is keen to help charity events such as this. The same goes for the prosecco; a local business provides that. Some of the raw materials for sandwiches is provided by a well-known supermarket and friends rally round to provide most of the home baking.

Mrs G, of course, has been adding something into each week's shopping basket in readiness for the event throughout the year. By buying a little bit at a time, we don't notice the cost involved. Smart, huh?

So, apart from the last few days leading up to the tea being very labour intensive, there is no financial outlay, as such.

But you still haven't told us the cost to those attending, I hear you say. That must be quite hefty.

Well, no. There is no cost, per se. (Don't call me Percy.) The people who come along simply make a donation based on their perception of what the afternoon tea is worth. Some give generously, some give very generously.
So come on, you must be saying, how much was raised?

Are you ready? Drum roll please...

£2290... Hang on... £2310... No, that’s not right... £2325... Eh?... £2355... Surely, there can’t be any more... £2375... What is going on?... £2424...

Confused? Well, the problem is that it is not possible to give you an accurate total as so many people are giving us money to add to the fund.

Last year we raised less than £2200 on the day of the tea, but the final amount raised was £2400. This year seems to be going the same way. £2290 was raised on the day, but we are still receiving those donations from folk.

So that's it. Thanks to everyone who helped, everybody who donated and to all those who came along and made the day a great success.

Incidentally, the hall used for Tea for Stewart was once again decorated in the colours of Motherwell F.C., the team supported by Stewart for most of his short life.

Is that it, I hear you ask. I’m afraid so. Nothing at all to report other than everything running smoothly. Oh, hang about; there was one little ‘odd’ moment.

It was to do with the supermarket donation. Mrs G was told to choose some ‘raw’ materials up to a certain value and the shop would pick up the tab. Great. She was also told to add a bottle of fizz and a nice pot plant to use as raffle prizes. Even greater.

So, having selected various foods such as eggs and cheese, she headed home and put the 60 eggs on to boil ready to be made into egg mayonaisse. So far, so dull. However, the telephone rang and a ‘representative’ from the supermarket instructed Mrs G that she had been given ‘too much’. Sorry pardon excuse me? Apparently, according to the individual who had taken it upon herself to phone, this extra outlay meant that the store had exceeded its monthly charity allocation. And? What point was this person trying to make? Did she want Mrs G to take back some of the goods? Do supermarkets allow eggs to be returned once they had been boiled?

What was the person making the phone call hoping to achieve? Mrs G decided that she needed to speak to the store manager about the matter and made an appointment to meet with him on the Monday following the afternoon tea.

Guess what. He knew nothing about anybody in the store being given the authority to make such a ridiculous phone call. He apologised profusely and asked the same question as us; what was the individual hoping to achieve from such action.

You will be pleased to know that we will be guaranteed a contribution towards any further events we have that require catering. Yay!

And we didn’t have to return any eggs.
 
Tea for Stewart - Possibly the best Motherwell
themed afternoon tea in the world

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before moving on, one important feature of our Tea for Stewart fundraising events is to raise awareness of the nasty, horrible disease known as bowel cancer. Tables are strewn with informative leaflets relating to this condition and its effects. We also give information on how money raised helps in the fight to improve treatments and (hopefully) provide a cure. Please, take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 6th of July? Of course there were. Here are some I’ve even heard of. John Paul Jones 1747 (Sea captain and bass player.), Stamford Raffles 1781 (Founded Singapore for the dear old empah, don’t cha know.), Marc Chagall 1887 (Painter and poet.), Frida Kahlo 1907 (Painter.), Nancy Reagan 1921 (Ronnie’s missus.), Bill Haley 1925 (Singer. I suppose you want a clip...), Janet Leigh 1927 (Actress.), Della Reese 1931 (Singer. Have a clip. Here's Someday.), Dave Allen 1936 (Comedian.), Vladimir Ashkanazy 1937 (Pianist and conductor. Let’s have some Chopin.), Ned Beatty 1937 (Actor.), Gene Chandler 1937 (Singer. A clip?  Get Down.), Jet Harris 1939 (A Shadow. Another clip? Here’s a post-Shadows hit... Nothing to do with Gone with the Wind.), Mary Peters 1939 (Athleticky bloke.), David Crystal 1941 (Writer.), George ‘Dubya’ Bush 1946 (Not the worst president of the U.S. Who thought anyone would ever say that.), Sylvester Stallone 1946 (Tree.), Geoffrey Rush 1951 (Ector.), Nanci Griffith 1953 (Musician. Here is From a Distance.  That was a hit for Nanci in Ireland and, I’m guessing from the subtitles, Portugal.), Jennifer Saunders 1958 (Comedian.), Curtis Jackson 1975 (Who? Oh, 50 Cent. Here he is in the club. That was a huge hit. Hmm.), Rory Delap 1976 (Footy bloke famous for his throw-ins.) and Kate Nash 1987 (Singer. Here’s Foundations.).
 
 
 

I’ve received a letter...

 

Dear Mr Garam Masala,

I am writing to you from yur in the valleys, to ask you a question, isn’t it. I was a great fan of the Shadows, especially the early band when Jet Harris and Tony Meehan were the rhythm section. Naturally, I followed their careers after they left the Shads. I recall they had a number one, but can’t remember its title, boyo. Can you help?

Yours hopefully,

Dai Ammonds.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened with the last bet we had? Nothing. Sorry pardon excuse me? It won. Sort of. £2.08 back from our £2.40 stake. So, 32 pees down.

Let’s try again, shall we? What has The Grambler come up with this week? What randomly selected predictions are we going to get? Let us see...

 

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Sandown - 3.35 - Enable - 4/5

Sandown - 4.45 - Falcon Eight - Evens

Haydock - 4.25 - Danzemo - 5/6

Bellewstown - 6.50 - Count Simon - 10/11

Bellewstown - 7.50 - Rocket Lad - 5/4

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator plus 20 pee each way cop out bet) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.84

 

Hmm... Nicely whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you about Arsenal manager Bertie Mee and what position did he hold at the club prior to prior to his appointment as manager. He was the... physiotherapist??? Yep.

One for this week?  Let's stick with football managers, shall we?  Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp joined an elite band when he won the top trophy in Europe.  Three other Liverpool managers have lifted the Champions League or European Cup.  Who was the most successful of the four, winning the trophy on three occasions?  Hmm... That could start a discussion down the pub. 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr D. Allen, an Irish comedian who was one of Britain’s top comics from the 1970s to the 1980s. He made several series of Dave Allen at Large for the BBC and I wanted to finish with a clip from one of those shows.

However, I think Mr Allen, himself, should have the final word. Here was the gag which possibly ended his career at the Beeb...

You wake to the clock, you go to work to the clock, you clock in to the clock, you clock out to the clock, you come home to the clock, you eat to the clock, you drink to the clock, you go to bed to the clock, you get up to the clock, you go back to work to the clock... You do that for forty years of your life and you retire... What do they f*ck*ng give you? A clock!

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.