Post 415 - An uninsured gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Let’s start with a song...

Do you remember Adam Faith? Yes you at the back? That’s right... Him from off of Budgie, as you say. He was also a singer back in the nineteen fifties; a British answer to Buddy Holly. I’m not sure that we actually needed one, but the money men in the music industry thought otherwise. So, here is Mr. Faith singing his most famous hit...

‘What do you want if you don’t want money? What do you want if you don’t want gold? Say what it is and I’ll give it you, darling...’

‘The house, the car and custody of the children.’

 

Story time...

Have you got travel insurance? I would wager that most of you would answer no to that. What is the point of holiday insurance if you can't travel anywhere?

Come with me now on my current journey relating to travel insurance.

Last year, 11 months ago to be more precise, my travel insurance was due for renewal. The insurance company sent me a letter telling me that if I renewed with them I could get 15 months cover for the cost of 12 months or I could have 12 months cover but defer the starting date for up to a year. With me so far? Now, at that time I didn't know when I might want to travel abroad again so I phoned the insurance company to ask their advice. The outcome was that they managed to sweet talk me into taking out the twelve month deferred policy.

I figured that the ban on travelling abroad wouldn't last too long. Hah! A year... sorry, 11 months... on, travelling abroad is still not an option.

With this in mind, I phoned the insurance company again to see if my travel insurance could be deferred again and this is where things get complicated. For complicated, read 'loaded in the insurance company's favour'.

Me: My travel insurance is coming to the end of its deferral period, can I extend it, please?

Agent: So your insurance is up to October. That means...

Me: Pardon? I took the deferred 12 month deal, not the 15 months.

Agent: So sorry. My mistake.

Me: Phew!

Agent: So what you can do is defer it again for up to twelve months...

Me: Sounds good.

Agent: ... or you can get your money back.

Me: Sounds even better.

Agent: So you paid £75 on your debit card, plus the voucher for £125 which can go towards your next insurance policy with us...

Me: I'm sorry? Voucher? What voucher?

Agent: The voucher you put towards your insurance.

Me: I know nothing of vouchers, I paid it all on my card. I should be getting the full amount.

Agent: So I am not able to return that money to you. It must be used in conjunction with another insurance policy. If you had read your insurance documents, it is made very clear. (By clear, I’m thinking that it is anything but.) I can only let you have the £75.

Me: (Sigh) Okay... I'll defer it again.

Agent: So I'll have to cancel this policy and put you through to a sales agent to complete a renewal.

Me: Hang on a mo...

Cue Vivaldi's Four Seasons. And another thing, why do so many people start any utterance with the word 'so'?

Oh, the music has stopped...

Agent 2: So you want to start a new policy, is that correct?

Me: (She does it as well) Yes please.

Agent 2: So you want to defer it as per your previous policy, is that correct?

Me: (Arrrghh!) Yes.

Agent 2: So, you realise that the cost of policies has increased over the past year? So your new insurance could be more expensive.

Me: (Fancy that) I see. But it will be deferred for a year?

Agent 2: So, yes. From today's date.

Me: But, there's still a month to go of the previous deferment. I should be able to defer it for 13 months...

Agent 2: So, it doesn't work that way.

Me: I'll tell you what, I'll phone you in a month's time. Bye.

So (I'm doing it now.) those were my options. Cancel, and only get some of my money back or take out a new policy which will, very likely, cost more than my old one.

Have you ever felt that you just can't win?

Cheat! Swindler!... You're only allowed seven letters.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 16th of June? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Branwell Brontë 1817 - Artist.

John Bailey 1912 - Actor. Aubrey Greene in The Forsyte Saga, where he probably met...

Fanny Rowe 1913 - Actress. Emily Forsyte in The Forsyte Saga.

Laurie Lee 1914 - Orfer. Liked a cider.

Willie Hamilton 1917 - Politician who disliked royalty intensely.

Freddie Mills 1919 - Boxy bloke.

Syd Lawrence 1923 - Bandleader. Syd noticed a gap in the music market, over 20 years after James Stewart... sorry... Glenn Miller died in a plane crash, his music was still popular with folk who were around at that time. Syd cashed in by providing authentic-sounding Glenn Miller music. Live. Basically, he was what is now known as a tribute act. Anyway, here is Syd’s version of String of Pearls.

Colin Wilson 1931 - Orfer.

Michael Kenyon 1931 - Orfer. Inspector Peckover, aka The Bard of The Yard, was one of his more successful characters.

Jimmy Mack 1934 - Broadcaster.

Bob Maclennan 1936 - Politician. Last leader of the Social Democrat Party before it linked up with the Liberal Party.

Bob Baker 1939 - Television and film writer. Co-wrote most of the ‘Wallace and Gromit’ films.

Georgie Fame 1943 - Musician. A clip? Why not. Here’s his first big hit, Yeh Yeh.

Clive Francis 1946 - Actor. He has been a regular on our screens since 1965 when he played Romeo in a TV production of Romeo and Juliet. Son of Raymond Francis who played DCS Tom Lockhart in No Hiding Place.

Mike Morris 1946 - TV presenter.

Adrian Gurvitz 1949 - Musician. Here’s a band he was in way way back, The Gun, with a rather badly mimed Race With The Devil.  Ade is the one with the frizzy hair.

Gordon McQueen 1952 - Fitba guy.

Mervyn Day 1955 - Footy bloke.

Mick Jones 1955 - Musician. First found fame as guitarist with The Clash and later fronted his own band Big Audio Dynamite (B.A.D. for short). Here’s a track from them, The Bottom Line... The horses are on the track.

Al Ashton 1957 - Actor. Pit Bull in London’s Burning. Him.

Colin Greenwood 1969 - Bassist. A bit of Radiohead. A clip? Yes indeed. Here’s Paranoid Android.

Ranj Singh 1979 - TV doctor.

Gregory Finnegan 1980 - Actor. James Nightingale in Hollyoaks. Him.

Andre Gray 1991 - Footy bloke.

Zander Clark 1992 - Fitba guy.

Ricki Lamie 1993 - Fitba guy.

Euan Henderson 2000 - Fitba guy.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Colin Gramblewood,

I have been a big fan of Radiohead since your very first creepy hit. I have most of your work but, for some strange reason, I never did buy your last official album. What was it called, again? No, I can’t remember. Can you help?

Yours with sincerest kind thoughts,

Amun Shape de Poole.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Not too badly; four out of five correct. Again. So, instead of £10.70 we won a somewhat less whopping £3.74. What happened?

Portugal vs Germany - Sat/5pm - Germany to win - Corrigir/Richtig

Italy vs Wales - Sun/5pm - Italy to win - Corretto/Laun

Switzerland vs Turkey - Sun/5pm - Switzerland to win - Richtig/Doğru

Ukraine vs Austria - Mon/5pm - Draw - хіт бару/schlagen Sie die Latte

Russia vs Denmark - Mon/8pm - Denmark to win - Правильно/Rigtig

 

Let’s have a go with this weekend’s games, shall we? Eight to choose from; which five has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Day/time - Result - Odds

Italy vs Austria - Sat/8pm - Italy to win - 9/20

Belgium vs Portugal - Sun/8pm - Belgium to win - 7/5

France vs Switzerland - Mon/8pm - France to win - 8/15

England vs Germany - Tues/5pm - Germany to win - 19/10

Sweden vs Ukraine - Tues/8pm - Sweden to win - 5/4

Ooh... some controversial ones there. Portugal, reigning champions, out? Germany to beat England at Wembley? Any road up, the bets have been placed - 1 x 20 pees accumulator plus 10 x 20 pees doubles. If they all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to win the not insignificant sum of...

£16.42

That’s a worryingly large amount... No chance!

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1991 in Drongen, Belgium. My senior career began at Genk, making 97 appearances in four years. In 2012 I moved to Chelsea, but was loaned out to Werder Bremen (33 appearances). I left Chelsea in 2014, having played only three times for the club, and moved to Wolfsburg. In 2015 I joined Manchester City for a club record fee of £55 million.

Answer - Kevin De Bruyne

2. In the 15 competitions since 1960, winning teams have, generally, been coached by someone of the same nationality. Only once was this not the case; what was the winning team and what was the coach’s nationality?

Answer - Greece in 2004 were coached by Otto Rehhagel who is German.

3. A new award was given at the 2016 competition: Young Player of the Tournament. Who was the inaugural winner?

Answer - Renato Sanches (Portugal)

4. Between 1960 and 1992 a ‘Team of the Tournament’ was compiled featuring the best performing players in each position. Only two players featured in more than one such team; one from Germany and the other from Netherlands. Can you name them? [No. Do I win? - Ed.]

Answer - Franz Beckenbauer and Ruud Gullit

5. Which is the only team to feature in the final without ever winning the tournament?

Answer - Yugoslavia (1960 and 1968)

How did you do? Too easy? Well, let’s have some more Euros-based questions for this week. As always...

1. Who am I

I was born in Bayonne in 1968. I was a defensive midfielder and played the bulk of my senior career at Nantes, Marseilles and Juventus, making over 100 appearances for each club. I was capped more than 100 times for my country. I captained them for both a World Cup and a Euros title. I am currently manager of a team which is in Euros 2020.

2. Which country has featured in the top eight placed teams the most times without ever being champions?

3. Which country has appeared in the finals the most times without ever progressing beyond the group stage?

4. How old was Norway’s Martin Ødegaard when he played in a qualifying match against Bulgaria in 2016?

5. How many stadia [Show-off! - Ed.] have been used as venues for this years tournament?

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

[Please tell me you’re not going to finish with one of those awful Patrick and Michael stories that end up with a play on a footballer’s name. - Ed.]

Okay. I won’t.

[Good. - Ed.]

Could you answer a question for me?

[If I can... - Ed.]

What is the name of the mobile-eared Portuguese marsupial that scored an own-goal for Germany?

[What? I have absolutely no idea. - Ed.]

Roo bend ears. Do you get it? Ruben Dias... Roo bend ears.

[Go to your room! - Ed.]

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Post 414 - The Grambler - insert here

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

There are some aspects of life that are not really suitable for inclusion in a blog of this sort, Ill-informed or otherwise.

Toilet activities and problems associated with same are best left undiscussed... Actually, now I think of it, a blog about bowel cancer is exactly where you should discuss such things. Thus, it is something related to such matters that has caught my ire this week.

Constipation. There. I've said it. Bunged up bowels. It’s not a nice thing to have. And I certainly had it, last week. After several days, I was looking for a way to alleviate the problem. There are plenty of so-called 'cures' on the market. Some claim to be natural. One such makes great play of the fact that it has the natural ingredient of senna pods. I can't recall ever eating senna, so being told to consume the stuff to aid constipation strikes me as being most unnatural.

And they don't always work. Such was my problem last week. No matter what I tried. No result. After suffering for what seemed like a fortnight (probably no more than four days, but this was man-constipation; always the worst kind) I had to resort to another method. Suppositories. Yep. Those things.

Well, let me tell you, they work. And how. [Please spare us the details. - Ed.]

Okay, having gone into such detail, why am I even telling you about this particular pessary predicament? It is all to do with being ripped off.

When seeking a cure for my worsening condition, I looked on line for something that might help. Having decided against having an enema, I spotted a product called Dulcolax, a pessary which ought to do the trick. Twelve capsules with a recommended retail price of £2.99. Perfect. Off I trotted to my nearest pharmacy to purchase same. Cost? £4.99. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, you read that correctly. £4.99, or 66% more than the guideline price. That is scandalous. Did I pay it? Of course I did. In my predicament, what other option did I have?

And therein lies the very reason why this crooked chemist could get away with charging such an inflated price. I was desperate for any kind of cure and was willing to pay anything to get it. Blibbing rip-off merchant.

And, of course, this all reminds me of a joke...

A man suffering a similar problem visits his doctor. After examination the doctor concludes that the poor chap needs pessaries to relieve his problem. So having got said suppositories, the guy uses them for a few days and, getting no relief goes to see his doctor again. [How does he get an appointment so easily? - Ed.]

'Did the suppositories work?'asks the GP.

'No,' answers the patient, 'for all the good they did, I might as well have stuck them up my a***!'

Boom and, without any doubt whatsoever, tish!

[Well that just shows the stupidity of some people. Did he not think to read the label? - Ed.]

It was meant to be be funny.

[Nothing funny about bowel problems, mate. - Ed.]

You're right. I do apologise.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 19th of June? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

James VI 1566 - The well-known king.

Douglas Haig 1861 - Poppy salesman.

May Whitty 1865 - Ectress. Played Lady Jane Stackhouse in Thunder Birds: Soldiers of the Air. Her [I thought it was Lady Penelope in that. - Ed.]

Nigel Gresley 1876 - Engineer. Had a locomotive named after him.

Barbara Everest 1883 - Jobbing actress. 118 IMDb film/TV credits between 1916 and 1969.

Roddy Hughes 1891 - Actor. Fezziwig in Scrooge. Him. 129 IMDb film/TV credits. Take that, Everest.

Wally Hammond 1903 - Crickety bloke.

Sidney Allard 1910 - Racing driver and car maker.

George Pravda 1918 - Jobbing actor. 155 IMDb film/TV credits. Up yours, Hughes.

David Peel 1920 - Actor. Baron Meinster in The Brides of Dracula. Him.

Muriel Young 1923 - TV presenter. She worked mainly in children’s television and introduced us to Pussycat Willum, Ollie Beak and Fred Barker. Ask your dad.

Sandra Dorne 1924 - Actress. Blonde bombshell type, she was often called the B-movie Diana Dors. Remember King of the River? No? Neither do I. Apparently, she was Nel in that.

Charlie Drake 1925 - Comedian, actor and singer. Let’s have a clip. Here’s My Boomerang Won't Come Back.  Hmm... Proof that sixty years back, people laughed at anything.

Barry Took 1928 - Comedian and scriptwriter. Wrote Bootsie and Snudge and Round the Horne with Marty Feldman.

Thelma Barlow 1929 - Actress. Mavis in Coronation Street. Her. She appeared in over 1200 episodes.

Brian London 1934 - Boxy bloke.

Derren Nesbitt 1935 - Actor. One of those actors that seemed to be in everything at one time. Detective Chief Inspector Jordan in Special Branch. Like Attenborough and Law (You regular readers will understand.) has been on our screens in eight different decades.

Michael Standing 1939 - Jobbing actor. Arthur in The Italian Job. Him.

Paul Shane 1940 - Comedian and actor. Ted Bovis in Hi-de-Hi! Him.

Peter Bardens 1944 - Musician. Have a clip from his time as keyboard wizard with Camel; here’s Lunar Sea (Geddit?).

Aung San Suu Kyi 1945 - Myanmar politician.

Jimmy Greenhoff 1946 - Footy bloke.

Salman Rushdie 1947 - Novelist and essayist.

Nick Drake 1948 - Musician. Another clip? Here’s the beautiful Northern Sky.

Barry Hearn 1948 - Sports promoter.

Hilary Jones 1953 - TV doctor.

Moira Foot 1953 - Actress. Effie the maid in Hark at Barker and the follow-up His Lordship Entertains.

Paul Raffield 1957 - Actor. Robert Glazebrook in Joking Apart. Him.

Michael Maloney 1957 - Actor. He played Edward Heath in The Crown. Nearly up there with George Pravda - 149 film and TV credits on IMDb.

Sophie Grigson 1959 - Celebrity chef.

Paul Coia 1960 - TV presenter.

Jeremy Bates 1962 - Tennisy bloke.

Fiona Gillies 1962 - Actress. Becky Johnson in Joking Apart.

Philip Middlemiss 1963 - Actor. Des Barnes in Coronation Street. Him. He only appeared in 755 episodes.

Boris Johnson 1964 - Who?

Bozza's cure for constipation.

Sadie Frost 1965 - Actress. Did you know she appeared in videos for Gold (Spandau Ballet) and Holding Back the Years (Simply Red)? No? Neither did I.

Simon O’Brien 1965 - Actor/presenter. He was Damon Grant in Brooookside.

Samuel West 1966 - Actor and director. Siegfried Farnon in All Creatures Great and Small. Him.

M.J. Hibbett 1970 - Singer/songwriter, blogger. Have a clip; here’s M.J. and the Validators with Hey Hey - 16K

Hugh Dancy 1975 - Actor. Daniel Deronda in Daniel Deronda. Him.

Paul Parris aka Paul Adams 1975 - Actor. Matthew Pearson in Grange Hill. Him.

Robbie Neilson 1980 - Fitba guy.

Mark Selby 1983 - Snookery bloke.

Laura Norton 1983 - Actress. Kerry Wyatt in Emmerdale. Her. She appeared in 956 episodes.

Beattie Edmondson 1987 - Actress. Louisa Radlett in The Pursuit of Love. Her.

Ricky Holmes 1987 - Footy Bloke.

Paul Taylor 1988 - Booler.

Will Payne 1989 - Actor. Tony Travers in Mr. Selfridge. Him.

Chuku Modu 1990 - Dr. Jared Kalu in The Good Doctor. Him.

Molly Windsor 1997 - Actress. Emma Hedges in Traces. Her.

Andrew Scott 2000 - Footy blook. Surely nigh.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Peter Grambledens

Though I loved your music from the Camel years, I much preferred your solo material. It was a shame that none of your albums or singles ever made the charts. I particularly liked the single you released in 1987, but can’t recall what it was called. Can you remind me?

Yours eternally,

Ian Dreams.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Not too badly; four out of five correct.

Wales vs Switzerland - Sat/2pm - Switzerland to win - Wrong!

Belgium vs Russia - Sat/8pm - Belgium to win - Right!

England vs Croatia - Sun/2pm - England to win - Right!

Austria vs N. Macedonia - Sun/5pm - Austria to win - Right!

Netherlands vs Ukraine - Sunday/8pm - Netherlands to win - Right!

Not too bad. It all meant that from our £2.20 stake we saw a return of £3.44. Not a lot but, a profit’s a profit. So what has The Grambler selected for us from this weekend’s Euro 2020 games?

Game - Day/time - Result - Odds

Portugal vs Germany - Sat/5pm - Germany to win - 5/4

Italy vs Wales - Sun/5pm - Italy to win - 1/2

Switzerland vs Turkey - Sun/5pm - Switzerland to win - 4/6

Ukraine vs Austria - Mon/5pm - Draw - Evens

Russia vs Denmark - Mon/8pm - Denmark to win - 4/6

The bets have been placed - 1 x 20 pees accumulator plus 10 x 20 pees doubles. If they all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to win the magnificent sum of...

£10.70

That must be a new meaning of the word ‘magnificent’.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1960 in Schönau im Schwarzwald, West Germany. Most of my playing career was spent at SC Freiburg. I played 252 games for the club and scored 81 goals, a club record which stood until 2020. I managed several clubs in Germany, Turkey and Austria, before becoming coach for a national side which I have managed since 2006.

Answer: Joachim Löw

2. In the first competition (1960) how many teams took part?

Answer: Four - Soviet Union (winners), Yugoslavia (r/up), Czechoslovakia (3rd) and France.

3. Since its inception, how many host nations have won the competition?

Answer: Three - Spain (1964), Italy (1968) and France (1984)

4. Who holds the record for scoring the most goals in a single tournament?

Answer: Michel Platini - 9 goals (France 1984)

5. The oldest player to appear in the competition was Hungary’s goalkeeper Gábor Király in 2016; how old was he?

Answer: 40 years and 86 days

 

How about five for this week? Let’s stick with the European Championships.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1991 in Drongen, Belgium. My senior career began at Genk, making 97 appearances in four years. In 2012 I moved to Chelsea, but was loaned out to Werder Bremen (33 appearances). I left Chelsea in 2014, having played only three times for the club, and moved to Wolfsburg. In 2015 I joined Manchester City for a club record fee of £55 million.

2. In the 15 competitions since 1960, winning teams have, generally, been coached by someone of the same nationality. Only once was this not the case; what was the winning team and what was the coach’s nationality?

3. A new award was given at the 2016 competition: Young Player of the Tournament. Who was the inaugural winner?

4. Between 1960 and 1992 a ‘Team of the Tournament’ was compiled featuring the best performing players in each position. Only two players featured in more than one such team; one from Germany and the other from Netherlands. Can you name them? [No. Do I win? - Ed.]

5. Which is the only team to feature in the final without ever winning the tournament?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

[Well, at least we got through an entire blog without one of those awful dialogues between Angus and Gordon, or whatever they are called. The ones with the dreadful tenuous punchline that sounds almost nothing like a footballer’s name. - Ed]

 

And finally...

HAMISH: Dougal! It’s yoursel’.

DOUGAL: Oho, there’s nothing gets past you.

HAMISH: What’s the matter, man? You’re covered in oil.

DOUGAL: I know, it’s off this new bike I’ve bought from Turkey. You’ve to assemble it yourself and I can’t get this chain thing to go round the sprocket.

HAMISH: Let’s have a look. Aha! There’s your answer.

DOUGAL: Where?

HAMISH: You’re trying to get it over. You’ll never get it over.

DOUGAL: Not at my age.

HAMISH: No no no. Look, I’ll show you. See?

DOUGAL: By the beard of Moira Anderson, you’re right! Chain goes under!

(With apologies to Messrs Garden and Cryer.)

 

[You promised you wouldn’t do one of those again after last week’s Harry Kane one. - Ed.]

I tell lies.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Post 413 - The triple crossing Grambler

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story time...

You may have been wondering why there was no grambler.com a fortnight ago. Oh you weren’t. Well, I’ll explain anyway.

That week Mrs G and I spent a couple of nights in the delightful Scottish Town of South Queensferry. Never heard of it? Perhaps you haven’t, but I'll wager that you know its most famous feature(s). South Queensferry provides the south entrance to, arguably, the world's most famous bridge... the Forth Bridge. You know it, the one off the shortbread tin. Incidentally, that is the full name of what a lot of folk call the Forth Rail Bridge. However, to keep my pedantic mate happy, I have made a point of using the correct name.

It really is an imposing structure. It has stood the test of time having carried trains over the Firth of Forth for over 130 years. It is so ‘over- engineered’ that it will probably be there for another 130 years and more... unlike its sister bridges.

The Forth Road Bridge, completed in 1964, was joined in 2017 by a second road bridge because its suspension cables were corroding. The ’64 bridge is now used only by buses and taxis while the bulk of the traffic has been transferred to using the new bridge.

Great. No not great. The new bridge has already been forced to close during severe weather because large chunks of ice form on its suspension cables and any vibration could cause these huge blocks to fall on traffic below.

So, the original bridge is still going strong after 130 years, the road bridge lasted around 50 years before a replacement was required and the new bridge is barely finished and is already causing problems.

I believe it’s called progress.

Why am I giving you this history lesson, I hear you ask. Well, Mrs G and I must have created some sort of record in the two days that we were there... we crossed the firth on each of the three bridges within 24 hours.
[Why is that unique? Drive the new bridge, bus or taxi over the old road bridge and a train across the original rail bridge. Easy. - Ed.]

Yes, but we didn’t use a bus or taxi... or walk across, before you comment. Let me explain. [I think you better had. - Ed.]

When we arrived at the place we were staying, it was too early to check into our room at the local... let's call it ‘First’ Inn... so we decided to drive the short distance to the picturesque part of the town. Very nice. We had a nice coffee in a nice restaurant overlooking the three bridges. What could be nicer? [Yes, we’ve gathered; it was all very ‘nice’. - Ed.]

After that, we decided it was time to check in so we headed to our hotel/Inn. Unfortunately, we took a different route back and, unsure of our whereabouts, we switched on Doris, our faithful satnav. I can only assume that Doris was also a bit disorientated because, when we came to a roundabout, she instructed us to take the third exit.

As we passed the second exit, we saw our destination, but, following Doris’s instructions, we took the third. ‘What did that sign say?’ I asked Mrs G. ‘Something about buses and taxis only.’ she answered, followed by, ‘We're on the bridge! We're not meant to be on the bridge! Turn around! We’re on the wrong road!’ This was beginning to sound like a scene from ‘The Wrong Trousers’. I was half expecting her to start calling me Grommit.

Turn around, she tells me. That was more easily said than done. The road was restricted to a single lane, all other lanes being blocked off by road cones. We had no option but to cross the water illegally. ‘It'll be fine,’ I announced with a total lack of confidence.

Once over the firth, we headed straight for the new bridge to get back to South Queensferry... taking the sensible precaution of switching Doris off.

So, two bridges down, one to go. The next day we fulfilled an ambition (and ticked one off the bucket list) by getting on a train to take us across Scotland's most iconic structure. Yay!

Since returning home, we have been dreading the arrival of any official-looking mail. I had said 'it'll be fine', now I'm worried 'it'll be a fine'.

I'll keep you informed on that one.

All right. A joke's a joke, but I've been stuck up here for hours

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 12th of June? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Charles Kingsley 1819 - Clergyman, university professor, social reformer, historian, novelist and poet... in fact, a right old smarty boots. Author of The Water-Babies, a Fairy Tale for a Land Baby. Also wrote Hereward the Wake.

John Sainsbury 1844 - Founder of the supermarket chain. [Which one? - Ed.]

Norman Hartnell 1901 - Dressmaker.

Rosamund Greenwood 1907 - Jobbing actress. Sister Dorothy Smith in Hallelujah! Her.

Rosalie Williams 1919 - Actress. Mrs Hudson in The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The Return of Sherlock Holmes, The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes and The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes. I believe she did other things as well.

Peter Jones 1920 - Actor. Voice of the book in Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Him.

Brigid Brophy 1929 - Orfer. The King of a Rainy County. That was one of hers.

Innes Ireland 1930 - Racey car bloke.

Kevin Billington 1934 - Director. The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer. That was one of his.

Tom Oliver 1938 - Ictor. Lou Carpenter in Neighbours. In 2,950 episodes!

Roy Harper 1941 - Musician. Time for our first clip this week. Here is the nearest thing he had to a hit, One of Those Days in England.

Reg Presley 1941 - A Trogg. Here’s a song that made Reg very rich when it became a hit for Wet Wet Wet, Love is All Around.

Pat Jennings 1945 - Footy Blook, surely nigh.

John Wetton 1949 - Musician. Original frontman for Asia. Here is a track that reached number 46 in the Yuk, but number 1 in the good ol’ U S of A, Heat of the Moment.

Pete Farndon 1952 - Musician. Original bassist with The Pretenders. Here’s an interesting piece of film footage, the band rehearsing Stop Your Sobbing.

James Saxon 1955 - Actor. Morris Hardacre in Brass. Him.

David Narey 1956 - Fitba guy.

Robert Elms 1959 - Writer and broadcaster.

Dave Ward 1959 - Trade unionist.

Neil ‘Dr.’ Fox 1961 - DJ and TV presenter.

Robert Smith 1961 - Showjumper. Harvey’s lad.

Cathy Tyson 1965 - Actress. Carol Johnson in Band of Gold and its follow-up Gold. Her.

Luke Slater 1968 - Musician, DJ and producer. Let’s have some early techno. Here’s Love.  He also had various pseudonyms - 4 Slots For Bill, The 7th Plain, Clementine, Deputy Dawg, Earnest Honest, Krispy Krouton, L.B. Dub Corp, Lloyd Owes Me A Packet, Morganistic, Offset, Planetary Assault Systems, Plug and Translucent.

Sophie Lawrence 1972 - Actress. Diane Butcher in Eastenders. Also had a stab at a pop career with the old Donna Summer hit Love's Unkind.

Adam Kay 1980 - comedy writer, author, comedian and former doctor. His work includes Crims, Mitchell and Webb and... oh dear... Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Christina Trevanion 1981 - Celebrity auctioneer. [You what? - Ed.] She has appeared on Flog It, Bargain Hunt, Antiques Road Trip and the delightful sounding Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is.

Luke Massey 1981 - Film director and screenwriter. Armistice and 500 Miles North. He wrote and directed them.

Kate Bracken 1990 - Actress. Dr Greer Barrie in Killing Eve. Her.

Georgina Campbell 1992 - Actress. Lyta-Zod in Krypton. Her.

 

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Before we move on to this week’s predictions and since the Euros 2020 are upon us, here is a short interlude (with apologies to Messrs Garden and Cryer).

HAMISH: Dougal! It’s yoursel’.

DOUGAL: Well, I certainly hope so.

HAMISH: Here, I like the outfit. The kilt. The plaid. The Glengarry hat with an enormous feather. Why, you look just like that famous music hall artiste... What was his name again?

DOUGAL: Lauder.

HAMISH: I said, what was his name again.

DOUGAL: No, ye daft gowk. Lauder is his name. Harry Lauder. And he always had this in his hand.

HAMISH: Oh that’s a crooked unsightly thing. What is it?

DOUGAL: Why, that’s my cromach.

HAMISH: Oh dear. I don’t like the sound of that.

DOUGAL: Cromach is an old Scottish word for a walking-stick.

HAMISH: Oh I see. Where did you get it?

DOUGAL: Well, here’s the ironic thing. It’s a Scottish walking-stick, but they don’t make them in Scotland.

HAMISH: So where did you get it?

DOUGAL: Well, I wanted an exact replica of the one used by Lauder, himself. The only place you can get one is in England.

HAMISH: Oh, I see. You had to go to England to get your Harry cane.

 

Sorry. I do apologise for that. It won’t happen again. [Promise? - Ed.] Promise.

 

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Gramble time...

It’s Euro 2020... or 2021... or something. Any road up, The Grambler has come up with five predictions for games taking place this weekend. Head down to your local crook bookie and place your 20 pee bets as soon as you have raided your piggy bank.

Game - Day/time - Result - Odds

Wales vs Switzerland - Sat/2pm - Switzerland to win - 11/10

Belgium vs Russia - Sat/8pm - Belgium to win - 5/6

England vs Croatia - Sun/2pm - England to win - 8/13

Austria vs N. Macedonia - Sun/5pm - Austria to win - 7/10

Netherlands vs Ukraine - Sunday/8pm - Netherlands to win - 8/13

There you have it, The Grambler’s first predictions of Euro 2020. England to win? Hmm... The bets have been placed - 1 x 20 pees accumulator plus 10 x 20 pees doubles. If they all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to win the almighty sum of...

£9.98

Oh dear. Hardly almighty. A bit mighty perhaps.

 

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Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Strasbourg in 1949. After a so-so playing career, I moved into football management, obtaining my manager’s diploma in 1981. I managed clubs in France and Japan before moving to England in 1996 where I stayed for over 20 years. During that time I became the most successful manager in F.A. Cup history, winning the trophy seven times. Fans and media call me ‘Le Professeur’.

Answer - Arsene Wenger

2. Who is the current UEFA President?

Answer - Aleksander Čeferin

3. Which country has competed in the most UEFA European Football Championship finals since 1960? (Excluding those countries with name or boundary changes.)

Answer - Spain (11 times)

4. Who was the last Englishman to win Manchester City’s Player of the Year Award?

Answer - Shaun Wright-Phillips in 2004

5. This year’s Europa League Final was decided with a penalty shoot-out; when was the last time this occurred?

Answer - 2014 when, after a 0-0 game, Sevilla beat Benfica 4-2 on penalties.

Okeydokey, how about a few for this week? Let’s have some relating to Euro 2020... or 2021.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1960 in Schönau im Schwarzwald, West Germany. Most of my playing career was spent at SC Freiburg. I played 252 games during three spells at the club and scored 81 goals, a club record which stood until 2020. I managed several clubs in Germany, Turkey and Austria, before becoming coach for a national side which I have managed since 2006.

2. In the first competition (1960) how many teams took part?

3. Since its inception, how many host nations have won the competition?

4. Who holds the record for scoring the most goals in a single tournament?

5. The oldest player to appear in the competition was Hungary’s goalkeeper Gábor Király in 2016; how old was he?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

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Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Jones... sort of, because this week, since he provided the voice of the ‘book’, we finish with some Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy quotes. So, really we should be thanking Douglas Adams. Whatever, here are some wise words as spoken by Mr Jones.

'...For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.’

‘Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.’

‘A towel, the Guide says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.’

‘Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
The argument goes something like this: "I refuse to prove that I exist,'" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED."
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.’

‘The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.’

‘The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.’

‘Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe.
The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.
The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.’

‘In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch-Hiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.’

 

Did I ever tell you that The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy was my favourite book? [I don’t think you need to. - Ed.]

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.