Saturday 30 July 2016

Week 49 - The Olympics 2016 - The Grambler's first visit


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

There was a news item this week about the Russian Olympics team being barred from the games because of its use of drugs. Or rather, some of the Russian Olympics team being barred, but not others.

It is a very odd state of affairs. The field athletes have been told they are not welcome, but sportsmen and women from all other disciplines are being allowed to go. Why? Surely, from the Russians’ perspective and that of the organisers, it would be far more sensible for the whole team not to go. Let me explain.

Okay, it has been proven that some of the athletics squad were taking a few performance-enhancing drugs. As they were being encouraged, and funded, to do so by people in authority, the only action that could be taken for such illegal activity was to ban the athletes. Fair enough.

However, competitors from other sports were not found guilty. Not that they were exonerated (That’s a good word; I must look it up.) you understand. They just were not found guilty. It is this last point which should stop the whole of the Russian Olympic team going to Brazil. Somebody, possibly Vladimir himself, should announce that the whole team is ‘boycotting’ the games. He might even blow a raspberry and shout yah sucks boo [Lucky old Boo. - Ed.] for good measure.

Sorry pardon excuse me? You see, they just can’t win. If a Russian sportsman or woman does well and wins a medal, the inference will be that they have succeeded simply because they are taking performance-enhancing drugs. However, if they don’t win medals, people will assume it is just because they are not taking any performance-enhancing drugs. As I said, they cannot win. Better for them if they just don’t turn up.

Of course, in the old days before drug-testing became more sophisticated than asking 'Have you taken any drugs?', all sorts of performance-improving drugs were used by athletes. I can remember when most of the women athletes from the Warsaw Pact countries looked more masculine than the blokes. Indeed, way way back there were even male athletes who took part in women’s events; ‘Dora’ Ratjen took fourth place in the women’s high jump event in 1936. It was later discovered that she was really a he called Heinrich.

Then, there was the story of Stella Walsh (born Stanislawa Walasiewicz) who won the gold medal in the women’s 100 metres at the 1932 Olympics. Her style had often been likened to that of a man. She certainly looked quite masculine. And she sounded like a man trying to talk like a woman. In the 1936 Olympics, she couldn’t repeat the feat and had to settle for silver.

In December 1980 she was fatally shot in the crossfire of an attempted robbery. In the autopsy that followed, it was revealed that Walsh had a chromosomal disorder called mosaicism which left her with sexually ambiguous genitalia. Despite the gender confusion caused by the disorder, Walsh had lived her entire life as a woman.

Obviously, those examples had nothing to do with drugs. The former was an example of out and out cheating. The latter was a case of simply not knowing the facts.

So, how can we stop drugs cheats? I have the answer. [You always have. Yawn. - Ed.] Stop bothering about it. You what? Stop bothering. Don’t encourage or condone drug use, but don’t ban it either. Sorry pardon excuse me? That’s right. Tell athletes, yes, take drugs if you are so desperate to win. Take drugs if you seriously want to have your life shortened. And it will be. Severely. Go ahead. Sure, have your fifteen minutes (or 9.8 seconds) of fame. Don’t come running to us when all the nasty side effects kick in. Oh yes, we will continue to drugs test every athlete after an event and, no, we won’t strip you of any title you may win when the drug use is discovered. We will simply have it noted for posterity that your win was due to drug assistance. Oh, and we won’t attempt to stop any events organiser deciding that you aren’t welcome at a particular event. Yeah, go for it. Good luck to you.

That should do the trick.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 30th of July? Of course they did. Emily Bronte 1818 (Wrote Kate Bush’s first hit.), Henry Ford 1863 (Arthur Dent’s pal in Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy.), Henry Moore 1898 (Played James Bond.), Richard Johnson 1927 (Vocalist with the Skids.), Buddy Guy 1936 (Damn right I’ve got the blues.), Peter Bogdanovic 1939 (Bugs Bunny fan.), Clive Sinclair 1940 (Came up with a ‘green’ car 30 years too soon.), Paul Anka 1941 (Rhyming slang.), Frances de la Tour 1944 (‘I have no intention of giving way to it, extinguish your stick!’), Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond 1946 (Beetlejuice.), Arnold Schwarzenegger 1947 (His first film appearance was as Hercules in the 1970 movie Hercules in New York. He was credited as ‘Arnold Strong’.), Rat Scabies 1957 (Neat neat neat.), Daley Thompson 1958 (Decathlete who won every event he entered between 1978 and 1988, achieving gold in the 1980 and 1984 Olympic Games.), Kate Bush 1958 (Heathcliff, it's me Cathy. Come home. I'm so cold! Let me in-a-your window.), Laurence Fishburne 1961 (Cowboy Curtis.), Jurgen Klinsmann 1964 (Footy bloke; turned diving into an artform.), Hilary Swank 1974 (Unfortunate name.) and Justin Rose 1980 (Golfy bloke.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? I don’t know. You what? I don’t know. You see, last week, as I explained, I placed a bet with a bookies called BetFred. The only reason I was able to place the bet was that I happened to visit the small town of Blan’ur where there was a BetFred shop. However, I haven’t had any reason to go back there this week and don’t plan to go there just collect a few pence. I was in Glasgow yesterday and thought I might be lucky and find one of Fred’s shops, but I was out of luck. I passed five bookies, Paddy Power (the famous Irish energy supplier), Coral, Ladbrokes and two Bill Hills, but no Fred. Any road up, here are the results of last week’s predictions...

 

 

Ayr United vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Home win

Result - Ayr United 1 Edinburgh City 0

Yay!

Cowdenbeath vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win

Result - Cowdenbeath 0 Dunfermline 3

Yay!

Kilmarnock vs Morton - Prediction Home win

Result - Kilmarnock 0 Morton 2

Boo!

Partick Thistle vs Queen of the South - Prediction Home win

Result - Partick Thistle 2 Queen of the South 1

Yay!

Ross County vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result - Ross County 1 Raith Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

 

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, where is the match report. [I wasn’t thinking that at all. I was thinking I could go a cup of tea. So your mind-reading skills are rubbish. - Ed.] Ahem... The reason for there being no match report is that this competition is so insignificant that journalists and TV folk don’t even provide a write up for us to use... in a completely altered form, I might add [A little too hastily. - Ed.]. I wouldn’t want you to think I might plagier... plaja... playg... copy someone else’s work.

Right, what about some predictions for this week? Do you know what? After last week’s problems to even place a bet, I am not going anywhere near the FretBed Cup. You know what that means, don’t you? Blibbing gee gees...

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Doncaster - 2.15 - Stratum - 10/11

Newmarket - 3.25 - Blending - 6/4

Goodwood - 4.20 - Lockheed - 4/6

Newmarket - 5.10 - Al - 5/4

Lingfield - 7.30 - Cliff Edge - 11/10

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Predictions, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£16.16

That is the whoppingest amount for a long time. Hey, I think I may have just made up a new word.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what Gary Lineker did in a 1990 game between England and Ireland that was very unusual. The answer is... I hope you aren’t eating while you are reading this... the answer is... especially not chocolate... the answer is... or curry... the answer is [Get on with it! - Ed.] he pooed in his shorts. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Click here  for the story from Poo-pants himself.

One for this week? Ex Aston Villa boss Tim Sherwood played for Blackburn Rovers, joining them in 1992. Rovers were considering signing another player (who went on to become rather famous) but chose Sherwood instead. Who was the player that was turned down?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Hammond, one of our birthday celebrants. As Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond, he played bass guitar for Jethro Tull. He wasn’t actually a very gifted musician, indeed he could barely play the instrument, but he was a good friend of the band’s frontman, Ian Anderson. He was brought in as a replacement for Glen Cornick, who was an extremely talented bass player. Not that Mr Cornick wanted to leave; he didn’t have the option. He was ousted in the same way that Syd Vicious would take over from Glen Matlock in the Sex Pistols. In both cases the replacement was perceived to have more of a stage presence than the original. In 1975, Hammond left Jethro Tull to pursue a career as a painter and, apart from a mid-eighties audition to rejoin the band, has never again played the bass guitar. Any road up, to finish this week’s (g)ramble here is Hammond’s greatest contribution to Tull - This is The Story of the Hare Who Lost His Spectacles. I do hope you enjoy it.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 22 July 2016

Week 48 - Bet365 or BetFred? The Grambler decides


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Last week I told you that this year’s Tea for Stewart raised the fantastic sum of 1456 quids. Brilliant, or what?

On Monday of this week Mrs G and I went down to the local bank to put this money in. Until that point Mrs G had been carrying this large sum of dosh about in her handbag. She was absolutely petrified that somebody might mug her while she was carting this about. Actually, she looked rather shifty the way she was clutching her bag every time anyone got remotely close. It was a wonder she wasn’t challenged by a policeman suspecting her of being in possession of drugs.

Any road up, she felt relieved when she finally reached the bank. She began handing over the bags containing notes and coins. Tell me something... When you give to charity, do you give a fixed amount? Say, £20? Or do you just empty your pockets of all the loose change you might have? Some of you will answer yes to the former; some will answer yes to the second. Correct? Yes? Why do I ask? Well, a bag containing 26 quid of the amount I quoted consisted of a mixture of coins - pennies, 2 pees, 5 pees, 10 pees, 20 etc. Obviously, this was money that people had simply emptied out of their pockets. Mrs G handed this bag full of change to the cashier and was told, rather abruptly, that she couldn’t accept it.

‘Sorry pardon excuse me?’ I couldn’t resist asking, ‘This is a bank is it not? Banks are places where customers come in to deposit money. This is a bag of money. I am a customer. I wish to deposit this money. Why can you not accept it?’

‘It is a mixture of coins.’

‘It is indeed, as you say, a mixture of coins.’

‘I can’t accept a mixture of coins.’

‘Okay. I will unmix them. The bank is empty. I won’t be holding anyone up.’

‘No, I can only take the amounts stipulated on the bags.’

‘I am not going to put them in bags. I am going to count the amount of each coin. I will then hand the coins, counted, to you.’

‘I can’t accept them.’

‘Why the fu.. Why not?’

‘Because they are not in bags.’

‘I fu... I know they’re not in bags. I’ve taken them out of the bag so that you don’t have to count them.’

‘I can’t accept them.’

‘(Here we go again) Why not?’

‘It’s against company policy.’

‘For fu... What’s against company policy?’

‘Taking cash amounts which isn’t bagged.’

‘What? Why is that a company policy?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘If you don’t know, it can’t be a particularly sensible policy, can it?’

‘It’s company policy.’

‘Are you telling me that if a small child was encouraged by his parents to start a bank account and came to this company with his, or her, handful of small change, you would tell them to go away because it wasn’t company policy to accept small amounts?’

‘We might make an exception for that.’

‘Well, make an exception for us.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘It’s not company policy.’

At this point in the proceedings you made have heard my anguished cry of ARRRGH! from the other end of the shopping mall. I felt the ghost of Victoria Wood was at large and I was in the middle of one of her sketches.

Have you ever heard of anything so daft? A bank that doesn’t want your money? What is going on? We relented and gave her the money we had that was bagged correctly and put the £26 mix of coins back into a bag to deposit at a later time when it was converted into acceptable coinage. Guess what she did with the bags of coins we did give her. She put the bags onto a special set of scales to weigh them. Now, the way [Weigh? - Ed.] she did this was to set the scales by selecting the correct coin and the readout told her whether the amount was that specified on the bag or was too much or too little. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? I am thinking, if it is that blibbing easy to count the money, why the hell did this jobsworth of a bank cashier waste ten minutes telling us we couldn’t put odd quantities of coins in. All she had to do was take each denomination of coin and weigh it. She didn’t even have to count it. The answer was there on a readout.

As I said earlier... ARRRGH!

Please visit The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund JustGiving page (https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Geraldine-Smith3) and you will be able to see that, since we began the fund, over £32,000 has been donated to the Bobby Moore Fund.
We will continue to raise money for this wonderful cause in the hope that one day a cure can be found for the horrible, horrible disease of bowel cancer. 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 23rd of July? Of course they did. Albert Eichelbaum 1883 (Changed his name to Albert Warner and with brothers Harry, Sam and Jack formed the Marx Brothers... Hang on a mo.), Raymond Chandler 1888 (Began writing detective novels at the age of 44 after losing his job as an oil company executive in the Depression.), Haile Selassie 1892 (Brother of Fairly and Not-at-all.*), Michael Wilding 1912 (Married Elizabeth Taylor in 1952; she was 20. Half his age! What were her parents thinking!), Coral Browne 1913 (‘I could never understand what Godfrey Tearle saw in Jill Bennett, until I saw her at the Caprice eating corn-on-the-cob.’ I have no idea what she meant.), Michael Foot 1913 (Brilliant politician who was just a bit... well, scruffy to become prime minister.), Richard Rogers 1933 (Wacky architect.), Madeline Bell 1942 (Half of Blue Mink.), Andy McKay 1946 (One sixth of Roxy Music.), David Essex 1947 (Has five children; the youngest is 42 years younger than the oldest! Rock on.), Clive Rice 1949 (Crickety bloke.), Alan Turner 1950 (Another crickety bloke.), Graham Gooch 1953 (Yet another crickety bloke.), Martin Gore 1961 (Probably more to do with the birthday link, Depeche Mode’s Martin Gore did a cover of David Essex’ Stardust.  What do you reckon?  Mmm. That’s what I thought.), Woody Harrelson 1961 (Cowboy in Toy Story.), Philip Seymour Hoffman 1967 (Graduate of New York University’s prestigious and uber-expensive Tisch School of Performing Arts. Did I mention his mother was a judge?), Alison Krauss 1971 (A rerr chanter.), Fran Healey 1973 (Apparently, he lied when he was 17.), Monica Lewinsky 1973 (Yes. You know. Bill Clinton. Dress. Cigar. Aye. Her.), Stuart Elliott 1978 (Footy Bloke. Used to play for Motherwell. Scored 22 goals for them.) and Daniel Radcliffe 1989 (Actor who probably needn’t work ever again; he can just go to Harry Potter conventions.),

*That joke was first used on The Frost Report back in 1966.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? Nothing. We didn’t have a bet. All right, what happened the week before last? We won. Only kidding. We lost. Well, a bit of both. We won 82 pees which means we actually lost £1.38. Not too good, eh?

Hey, guess what. There are footie games this week. In Scotland there is a competition with the snazzy title the BetFred Cup being run at the moment. I think it might be a replacement for the old League Cup, but the way it is run is a good bit different. Instead of the usual knockout tournament, the first stages of the BetFred are conducted a la World Cup, Euro and Champions League, with several groups of five teams playing each other home and away. Actually, that is over-simplifying it Each team plays only two of the others in their group and I quote...

‘Each Club will play one game at home and the other away against the two clubs drawn immediately below it in the group. Club 1 plays Club 2 at home and Club 3 away; Club 2 plays Club 3 at home and Club 4 away and so on. This criteria is circular so that the Clubs “immediately below” Club 5 are Club 1 and Club 2 in that order. This mechanism will ensure that each Club will play four games in the Group (two at home and two away).

The group stage uses the traditional three points for a win and one point for a draw model but drawn matches will go straight to a penalty shoot-out. The winner of the shoot-out will be awarded a bonus point. The eight group winners and four best runners-up progress to the second round, where they are joined by the four UEFA qualifying clubs, and the competition reverts to a knock-out format.’

There you are. How simple is that? [My brain hurts. - Ed.] Who on earth dreamed that up? It is pointed out that this system is based on a model used for the UEFA Cup. What isn’t stated is whether it was ever used a second time.

So this week The Grambler is randomly selecting five results from the BetFred Cup?  However, that gave yours truly a bit of a problem. You see, the competition is called the BetFred Cup, BetFred being the firm of bookmakers who sponsor the cup. And? And I have an account with Bet365, another firm of bookmakers. And? And, for fairly obvious reasons, it is not possible to bet on a competition sponsored by a rival bookie; at least not on-line, the way I place The Grambler’s bets. So, today, I paid a visit to a BetFred shop to place this week’s bets. Do you know what? The lowest amount they allow you to bet is 25 pees. Outrageous, I call it. 25 pees! Bet365 let me bet as little as 10 pees if I want. As regular followers of this esteemed blog know, the weekly bet is 11 x 20 pee bets. £2.20. Unfortunately, this week I have been forced to fork out and extra 55 pees. Shocking! 25 per cent more! It’s... it’s the thin end of the wedge! It’s inflation gone spiralling out of control! It’s... it’s the last time I bet with Fred! [Calm down. What about the bet? - Ed.] The bet? Oh yes...

Game - Result - Odds

Ayr United vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Home win - 3/10

Cowdenbeath vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win - 1/2

Kilmarnock vs Morton - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Partick vs Queen of the South - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Ross County vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Home win - 4/5

 

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 25 pee doubles plus 1 x 25 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£9.09

Considering the amount of money I had to fork out, that is not very whopping at all.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Two weeks ago I asked you which player at the Euro 2016 Finals had accrued the same number of caps as Plastic Man aka Ronaldo? The answer was Republic of Ireland’s Shay Given. Did you get that one? Yes, perhaps a bit too easy.

What about one for this week? In a 1990 World Cup game between England and Ireland, what did Gary Lineker do that was very unusual? Try that one down the pub. Answer next week.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to the fine ladies and gentlemen of the Independent newspaper. As you may be aware, our esteemed Prime Minister Mrs Theresa May (or may not) has seen fit to appoint a certain Mr B. Johnson to the post of Foreign Secretary. Now, to me and many others, this is perhaps not the wisest of decisions given old Boris’s penchant for upsetting a few people. When it comes to offending other nations, Boris is up there with the top man, Phil the Greek or Chookie Embra as we know him round these parts. So here, ladeez and genellum, is an up-to-date map showing those countries Boris has (so far) offended. Be aware that there may be more red on the map once he has made a few visits abroad in his new role.

 


 

Happy grambling.

 

Sunday 17 July 2016

Week 47 - A Tea for Stewart


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

This week, a very different (and shorter) version of thegrambler.com for your edification (That’s a good word; must look it up.)...

You were probably wondering what had happened to this week’s edition of thegrambler.com. Oh. You weren’t. Well, I am going going to explain the reason for this week’s tardiness. I am sure all you regular readers out there in Gramblerland (Hello to you both.) were asking yourselves why there had been no post this week. Let me elucidate (They can’t touch you for it.).

Each year at about this time Mrs G has a little garden party [Are all little gardens invited? - Ed.]. Ahem. It is called a Tea for Stewart, who, as you all know, was the founder of this wonderful blog. So, over the course of a single day, (yesterday) over one hundred people visited our garden (or backyard as it is more correctly termed.) and yea did partake of all manner of delicious comestibles (I’m full of good words today.). There were four sittings, of course. How on earth do you expect us to cram a hundred people into our pokey little garden? So, people came at specific allocated times; 11am to 1pm, 1pm to 3pm, 3pm to 5pm and 6.30 pm til... well, put it this way, we didn’t get to bed much before 2am.

There was absolutely no charge. What, you ask. No, it was a freebie. Indeed, it would be quite possible for an individual to come along and have a good fill of sandwiches, cakes and tea and do so without having to spend a penny [I couldn’t drink much tea before I’d have to spend a penny. - Ed.]. However, such an individual has never yet come along to these teas. You see, everyone who comes knows that the aim of these little occasions is to raise funds for The Grambler’s favourite charity, the Bobby Moore Fund; an official Cancer UK collecting bucket is provided for the guests to drop in some pennies.

So, why should that affect this blog, you may ask. Well, there are two reasons. The first is that I wanted to delay publication until I knew the amount of money raised at the event. The second is that I was a little too busy to come up with anything. Let me enlighten you.

These afternoon teas take rather a lot of planning. There are gazebos to be erected [Steady on. - Ed.]. The gazebos I am referring to are, basically, giant tents that, in this instance, allow the afternoon tea takers to remain dry if the weather on the day should be a little inclement. Here in Polomint City we get a lot of inclement; it is to do with us being several hundred feet above sea level. Wet and windy seems to be the default weather setting.

Any road up, we had two of these gazebos placed side by side in the garden and, for the days leading up to the event, I was on ‘gazebo watch’. Sorry pardon excuse me? I was to make sure that these tents with ideas above their station didn’t decide to take flight. It wasn’t the wet I was worried about; it was the windy. Despite having them tied down with guy ropes and having weights strapped to the uprights to prevent movement, the entire structures could be shifted by a single gust of wind. Hence gazebo watch. Luckily, any movements were spotted before the whole frame became twisted beyond repair.

That wasn’t the only job I had. Oh no. I had the very important task of punching holes. You what? Very important job, punching holes is. I had to make holes in each piece of bunting so that it could be tied to the next piece of bunting. We had to have bunting. Essential for an afternoon tea, bunting is.

Cutting up menus. That was another important job entrusted to me. Yes, everyone who came to the tea was to be given a menu to choose their sandwich filling - ham, tuna, egg or cheese savoury, incidentally - and their ‘waitress’ would bring the correct choice. Somebody with the necessary cutting skills had to be assigned to do this job. Somebody with a keen eye. Somebody with a steady hand. All right, somebody with a guillotine for cutting paper.

Chair collecting. That was another of my jobs. Somebody has to do it. If you are having 25 or more people sitting in the garden, you can’t expect them to sit on upturned plant pots and buckets. So I had to fetch a few garden chairs from any friends who had some to spare. Some of these chairs were a bit heavy, so I had to get them loaded into the car for me. And, of course, somebody had to lift them out again when I got back to the house. But, hey, another necessary job.

Talking of friends, I often played the role of Tootles the Taxi for those who Mrs G had roped in to help. Those friends who would be preparing sandwiches, for example. Or cakes. So, another important job for me, ferrying people to and fro. Mmm. Very important. Aye. Essential, even...

All right, I admit it. My role throughout the whole organisational process was peripheral (another good word). Basically, Mrs G organised the whole thing and made a wonderful job of it too. On the day, everything was absolutely perfect.

Except for the weather, that is. The wind did not relax for the day. Those gazebo guy ropes don’t tighten themselves when the wind buffets them, you know. Somebody has to do it. Yep. Me. Had I the inclination, I could claim to have played the most crucial part in the day’s success. But I haven’t. So I don’t.

The total sum raised on the day? I think a drum roll followed by a fanfare is required here. Are you ready for this?

£1456

How whopping is that?

May I finish by suggesting that you click on https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 to see how our fundraising efforts are going? We are proud to have raised so much for bowel cancer research. We will continue to do so, because that is what Stewart would have wanted. He always said that the Bobby Moore Fund was a charity close to his heart (and his bowels).  Boom and, indeed, tish (as Stewart would have said).

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I will simply say that normal service will be resumed next week.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 9 July 2016

Week 46 - Euro 2016 - the final gramble


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Well, thank goodness Wales are out of Euro 2016. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, I am glad they are out. Why, you may ask. It’s nothing to do with them; I actually did want them to win. It is because of Ron Moody impersonator, Larry Gineker that I am glad they are out. After last week starting to turn into a Welshman, can you imagine what he would have been like if Wales had reached the final?

‘Welcome to Match of the Day, isn’t it, look you boyo, with me, Taffy Lineker, bach. Tonight on the pannnnnnel, we have Henry the footballer, isn’t it look you bach and Shearer the... erm... footballer. Yaki da boyos. Thierrrrry, bach...’

‘Er.. Yaki da. Sacre bleu!’

‘Hmm. Sounds even dafter with a Frennnnch accent. Alan, bach...’

‘Er.. Yaki da, laik bonny lad.’

‘No Alan, drop the Geordie... we’re Welsh, isn’t it.’

‘Isn’t it what laik?’

‘No no no. I’m not asssssking a question; it’s the way I talk because I’m Welsh, boyo, isn't it, ee by gum.’

‘Nah, canny lad, you’re from Leicester, man.’

‘Not tonight I’m not; yaki da, isn’t it, och aye the noo. I am Welsh through and through; look I’m wearing a miner’s helmet, isn’t it, why aye man.’

‘Ah wundered aboot that laik. Is that why me maicrophone’s disguised as a leek?’

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

The main problem with Wales being beaten, is that it is Portugal who have reached the final to play against France. And? And that means that the already highly inflated ego of a certain player will be pumped up even further. You know the one I mean - the posing, preening, Portuguese popinjay who goes by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo. If ever there was a chocolate guy - as in, if he was made of chocolate he’d eat himself - he is it. Doesn’t he just love himself? Just look at this picture of him;

 


 
I think he is having his makeup applied. Whatever. Something about him just does not look right. Agree?  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then, it dawned on me. And I have found a song just for him. What song, I hear you ask. You’re so Vain by Carly Simon, the singer who can get a whole wagon wheel in her mouth? That was a possibility. Incidentally, I have never quite understood the lyrics to that one. ‘You’re so vain’, she warbles and then goes on to say, ‘You probably think this song is about you.’ Yes, well it is, surely (Don’t call me Shirley.). You, ie. the person who is being sung about, thinks this song is about you. Where’s the problem? I can’t see the point, but then I am incredibly thick and immune to irony. What about the old Sparks song Yes I think I’m Falling in Love with Myself Again. Much more Ronaldo’s style. However, it still isn’t the one I have plumped for (They can’t touch you for it.). As I stated, there is something not quite right about the way he looks and I think this song by the Kinks describes it perfectly - click here .

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 9th of July? Of course they did. Elias Howe 1819 (Who? All you trivia buffs out there will know. Anyone? Yes, you at the back? Correct; He invented the sewing machine.), Daniel Guggenheim 1856 (Miner.), Ottorino Respighi 1879 (Liked Roman fountains, festivals and er... pines.), Barbara Cartland 1901 (Wrote 723 romantic novels. Sales totalled more than 1,000 million!!!), Edward Heath 1916 (Ex PM whose centenary will probably not be celebrated.), Vince Edwards 1928 (Who? Can anyone remember Ben Casey? That was him.), Lee Hazelwood 1929 (Wasn’t he married to Nancy Sinatra?), Donald Rumsfeld 1932 (‘There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know’. You been on the bevvy again, Donald?), David Hockney 1937 (Aka the Milky Bar Kid.), Dean Koontz 1945 (Writer with unfortunate surname.), OJ Simpson 1947 (Bart’s dad.), Debbie Sledge 1954 (A sister.), Tom Hanks 1956 (Doesn’t always pick winners - Polar Express, The Ladykillers, The Terminal. He is also a fan of Aston Villa. Nuff said.), Marc Almond 1957 (The stomach-pumping story was also attributed to him. You know the story. You do. I told you about it. Rod Stewart. Do you remember? Yes, you do.), Paul Merton 1957 (On Have I got News for you he has the honour of being the only person to have been a team captain, host and guest.), Jim Kerr 1959 (Simple Minds, Simple Minds, Simple Minds... Sung to the tune of Hooray for the Red, White and Blue by fans who share a brain cell.), Courtney Love 1964 (Mrs Cobain.), Paulo di Canio 1968 (Footy nutjob.), Dani Behr 1971 (Not a real bear.), Jack White 1975 (A stripe.) and Ashley Young 1985 (Footy bloke.)
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Really. Well, we made a profit; put it that way. £2.43 back from our £2.20 stake. Better than a kick in the pilchards.

Once again, we have to have a bet on the donkeys. What has The Grambler randomly selected for us this week?

 

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Chester - 2.00 - Full Intention - 10/11

Newmarket - 4.00 - War Decree - 9/4

Ascot - 4.25 - Gershwin - 15/8

Salisbury - 6.00 - Isomer - 2/5

Hamilton - 6.45 - Rio Deva - Evens

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£20.21

Oh dear. If anything, that’s a bit too whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who has earned the most caps for Wales. The answer is Neville Southall who amassed 92 from 1982 to 1997. Chris Gunther who last week was number seven on the list pop pickers has moved up to number five. Not arf!

One for this week? Cristiano Ronaldo [Him again? - Ed.] has won more caps than any other Portuguese player with 132 (133 after the final). He has a long way to go before he can match the player who has earned the most caps - Ahmed Hassan of Egypt on 184. Sorry, did you think that was going to be the question? No. Here is my question. Which footballer, who also played in the Euro 2016 finals, has accrued the same number of caps as Plastic Man aka Ronaldo?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Mr P. Merton who provides us with a few of his favourite jokes to end this week’s edition...

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other's post.

My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

Am I the only one who's always tempted to light the wick on top of a beret?

My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.

There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.

My hair’s got a life of its own. Last week I found it in the kitchen, making an omelette…

[On reading the A to Z] Can't wait to see what happens at the end. The characters aren't up to much but the places, they seem so real.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 2 July 2016

Week 45 - Euro 2016 - another gramble


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Have you seen that film Fantastic Mr Fox? I haven’t. I don’t intend to, either. Mangy b******! And that Beatrix Potter one, Mr Tod. Another b******! Basil Brush? B******! I’d take a shotgun to him. How’s that for boom boom!

What is going on, I hear you ask. Foxes. No, not foxes. A fox. One particular fox. What has sparked my ire against this bushy-tailed individual? Pull up a chair and I’ll tell ’ee.

I have a garden. Well, if you can call a four foot by two and a half foot raised flower bed a garden, then I have a garden. As the better weather approached, I decided that it was time to tidy up this oversized garden tub. Now, when it comes to gardening, I am not the quickest and to deal with this tidying up would take me the best part of a day. Thus, I spent the morning of this particular day ripping out all the winter plants and weeds. During the afternoon, I dug the soil over and added fertiliser. As evening approached I was ready to put in my summer plants. I had a fair selection of small flowering things to plant; probably about a hundred. In they all went. I watered them in and finally, I sprinkled some slug pellets around them; I know how much these gastropods love anything I ever try to grow, having lost every plant to these munching machines in previous years. This time, they weren’t going to get the chance to get near my plants.

Any road up, by early evening, I had finished and I did look upon my creation and was sore pleased. Sorry, coming over a bit biblical there. And yea I did enter my dwelling for a bite to eat.

Barely an hour later, I happened to glance out at my handiwork. The soil was everywhere as were the plants! Every single plant had been dug up! A fox. Mr Tod had obviously thought that my gardening skills weren’t up to much and had decided to rearrange things. B******!

I see this fox every day. It trots nonchalently up the street and enters the gardens of several houses. It doesn’t dig those gardens up though. Oh no. It goes into those gardens for his supper. This wild predator, is in hunting mode. What animal is this killing machine on the lookout for? Chicken. Those feathered egg-laying poultry-type things? Yes. And no. This beast of prey doesn’t actually have to do much preying as the chicken in question tends to be cooked and left on plates by people who think this flea-ridden creature needs to be fed as if it were a pet.

Of course, these people are not really doing this because they like foxes. Sorry pardon excuse me? No, they are feeding Mr Fox because they know that he will not dig up their garden if they are kind to him. It’s true. Old foxy never digs up the gardens of anyone who feeds him.

Do they not realise that this is a wild animal they are supplying grub for? Or at least, it should be. It is now so domesticated that the only time it might betray its ‘wildness’ is if someone forgets to leave food out... ‘Wild? I was livid.’

However, to me foxes are still wild animals; vermin. Why should I stoop so low as to follow the example of these misguided individuals? So, instead, I have been trying out ‘cannot fail’ ways of keeping foxy away from my plants. Watering plants with garlic water is supposed to do the trick. Apparently, animals really don’t like garlic. I think that’s where Bram Stoker got his idea for Dracula. Well, it doesn’t work for foxy. I reckon this one’s got French blood in him. Chicken wire? I have tried putting a piece of the stuff over the whole raised bed. I don’t know how, but old foxy still manages to dig up the soil and plants without even disturbing the chicken wire.

Talking of disturbing, I think I actually have the answer; it really is pretty disturbing. There is a product on the market which you simply spray around the garden and foxes believe there is another, bigger, predator out there. What is this product? Urine. Seriously. There is a company which markets the urine of big predators. It is possible to purchase lion pee (or any big cat pee) or bear pee. I am not making this up. Although, I suspect, they might be. Who is going to prove or disprove that what they are selling is big predator piddle? I mean, someone might just be peeing into a bottle and flogging human pee.

Well, this got me thinking and do you know what? Human pee is actually a pretty good big predator substitute. How do I know? Don’t ask. Just, don’t.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Well, Euro 2016 is almost at the semi-finals stage. Didn’t you just love seeing the mighty England humbled by Iceland? Oh how we laughed.

The quarter finals are currently underway. As I write this, Wales are leading Belgium by three goals to one. Am I going to say, come on the Boyos? Of course I am, but, more importantly, I will (once again) have a wee pop at the English commentary team at the British Broadcorping Casteration. For the past two weeks, I have bemoaned the English slant on everything that they utter. Well, England aren’t there any more. Now what will they do? Suddenly, they are all Welsh? Beg pardon? At half time of this very match, Fagin lookalike Larry Gineker spoke these words... ‘What have we got to do now?’ By ‘we’ he meant the Welsh team. The blibbing cheek of the man! Last week, Wales barely got a mention. Now, because they are the sole representative from the UK, he thinks he is Welsh. He’ll be eating cheese on toast next.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk came into this world on the 2nd of July? Of course they did. Jack Hylton 1892 (Band leader. Never off the radio back in the day.), Alec Douglas-Home 1903 (Stiff-upper-lipped Prime Minister.), Dan Rowan 1922 (Say goodnight, Dick.), Marvin Rainwater 1925 (Whole Lotta Woman [Shurely shome mishtake. - Ed.]), Imelda Marcos 1929 (Shoe fetishist.), Larry David 1947 (When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.), Jerry Hall 1956 (Mrs Murdoch.), Mark Kermode 1963 (How convenient.), Peter Kay 1973 (Cheese? Cake? Cheesecake?) and Lindsay Lohan 1986 (Don’t mention Kettering.). 
Incidentally, have you ever wondered what birthday boy Marvin Rainwater looked like?  No, nor had I, until today when I found this...
 
 
 
That's what he looked like.  A right tw*t!

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Sort of. Thanks to England being useless and Portugal deciding to start playing football we only got £1.33. Better than a kick in the teeth, I suppose.

Euro 2016 is now drawing to a close so we can’t have a footy bet this week. We will have to have a gramble on the horses, or we could have a bet on the contenders for the Tory leadership [Same thing, surely. - Ed.]. No, let’s stick with the gee gees (and don’t call me Shirley).

 

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Leicester - 3.15 - Theydon Thunder - 13/8

Sandown - 3.45 - The Gurkha - Evens

Nottingham - 5.45 - Indian Chief - 10/11

Nottingham - 7.15 - Pointel - 10/11

Bellewstown - 8.25 - Takeittothelimits - Evens

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£16.33

Now, that is whopping.

 


.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Spanish player has scored the most international goals. The answer is... going to surprise you. Now, if you had said David Villa who has scored 59 times for the Spanish national side, you would be wrong... sort of. You see, the Spanish player who has scored the most international goals was Ferenc Puskas. True, he never scored for Spain. All his 84 international goals came when he played for Hungary; that was before he switched allegiance and played for Spain. Who cried foul? It was a good question. I thought so anyway.

One for this week? Since Wales are the obvious talking point of the moment... They won, by the way... let’s have yet another Welsh-based question. Chris Gunter earned his 72nd cap for the Wales vs Belgium game which means he is now seventh in the list of players who have played the most times for Wales. So, this week’s question is simply this - Who has earned the most caps for Wales? The only clue I will give is that, for once, the answer isn’t Ryan Giggs.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Kay [Wasn’t that a brand of chewing gum? - Ed.] for our link to finish this week. When it comes to Peter Kay material, there is just so much good stuff to choose from. I could give you something from the early days such as That Peter Kay Thing or Phoenix Nights; or I could give a sample of his alter ego Geraldine McQueen. What about the old John Smith’s beer adverts? They were always good for a laugh... Ave it!  No, let’s finish this week with a clip from one of his live shows and his take on something that we have all encountered at some time or another... misheard lyrics

 

Happy grambling.