Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.
Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .
If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…
I'm angry. I am and all. What has caught my ire this week? The woke brigade. Them. Again. What have they done now, I hear you ask. They are complaining about the name given to a sweet.
When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] sweets had names like gobstoppers, sweetie cigarettes, or blackjacks. Blackjacks even featured a cartoon picture of a black person on the wrapper. I don't know what they are called now but, I'm guessing, Blackjack is now considered racist and the woke brigade will have come up with a name that is less contentious. (That's a good word. Wonder what it means. Con... against. Tent... camping? Yus... affirmative? Yes, I'm against camping? Something not right there.)
Anyway, back to the plot. Sweetie cigarettes are now called candy sticks and no longer have one end that is red to signify a lit fag. They still taste just as horrible as I remember them.
Gobstoppers? They are called jaw breakers; jaw being considered preferable to the slang word gob to mean mouth.
Where is all this leading? Well, the sweet that is now being targeted as being in need of a politically correct re-branding is called a midget gem. It is a small jelly sweet, not unlike a wine gum... hang on... Wine? Alcohol? Surely the woke lot will latch onto that one before long.
Any road up, the word midget is considered to be derogatory (There's another good word. I’m full of them today) to small people.
Bollocks to that says I. I do not call small individuals midgets and, I suspect, nor do most people. It is a derogatory term when it is used to describe a small adults. But, naming a small sweet 'midget' is certainly not derogatory. Not to the sweet, anyway. The word midget simply means tiny. It always has done. It always will. A one-man submarine is called a midget sub because it is tiny, not because the person inside it is small. The MG Midget car was so-called because it too was tiny; it was never confused as being the size of a person driving it. Should we now reappraise those and call them something different? One-man submarine sounds okay, but MG Tiny? MG Small? Don't think so.
One plus that might come of all this wokieness is that a certain song by Ray Stevens called Bridget the M***** might never be played on the radio again. Huzzah for wokedom! Mind you, that might be entirely down to the fact that it is such a dreadful song.
Back to the topic of car names, is it time to rename old cars because the woke brigade don't like those that they were given?
Before WWII there was a British maker of luxury cars called Invicta. Its most famous model? The Black Prince. Not acceptable to the wokies I suspect.
What about all the cars produced by the Rootes Group? Ask your dad. Hillman? [Hill person, surely. - Ed.] Imp? That suggests misbehaving; can't have that. The same with Minx.
What about the Sunbeam car names concerning weaponry? You what? Stiletto? A small dagger. Rapier? A big sword.
The same could be said of Reliant and its use of the name Scimitar. Definitely, not on.
As for the Ford Probe, I think Mary Whitehouse would have had something to say about that.
Gilbern Invader? Yes. Why? It suggests terrorist activity. Agree?
Speaking of which, the car with the most unsettling name must be one that was produced almost 70 years ago. It was claimed that it was simply named after a river. A likely story. Ladeez and genullum, I give you the Morris Isis.
Morris Isis. The car for midg... small people.
Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?
Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 29th of January? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.
Kenneth Allsop 1920 - TV presenter.
Brian Trubshaw 1924 - Test pilot.
Peter Byrne 1928 - Actor. Andy Crawford in Dixon of Dock Green.
John Junkin 1930 - Actor and scriptwriter.
Leslie Bricusse 1931 - Composer, lyricist and playwright. He won a Noscar for this song, Talk to the Animals (as murdered by Rex Harrison).
Noel Harrison 1934 - Actor and singer, it says here. He’s a better singer than dad, Rex. I’ll give him that. Here’s his ’it, Windmills of Your Mind.
Mark Wynter 1943 - Singer. Here is a hit he had in the early 1960s, Go Away Little Girl. [Those lyrics are a bit suspect. - Ed.]
Tony Blackburn 1943 - DJ. That gives me an excuse to give you a link to this, Toe Knee Black Burn.
Andrew Loog Oldham 1944 - Composer, entrepreneur, record producer, songwriter, talent manager and talent agent, it says here.
David Hay 1948 - Fitba guy.
Tim Healy, like 1952 - Actor. Dennis Pa’erson in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet, like.
Ronnie Moore 1953 - Footy bloke.
Linda Smith 1958 - Comedienne.
Phil Nice 1959 - Actor and one-time comedy partner of Arthur Smith. See http://www.thegrambler.com/2021/11/post-430-grambler-on-roof.html for an episode of Arthur and Phil Go Off.
Sandra Whittaker 1963 - Runny bloke. She’s from Polomint City, as is...
Roddy Frame 1964 - Musician. Let’s have a clip; the one that gets played at every Scottish wedding/family gathering, Somewhere In My Heart.
Anna Ryder Richardson 1964 - TV presenter.
Mark Wright 1970 - Footy bloke.
Clare Balding 1971 - TV presenter.
Miranda Krestovnikoff 1973 - TV presenter.
Rory Graham aka Rag’n’Bone Man 1985 - Singer/songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s his biggest hit, Human.
Laura Coombs 1991 - Footy bloke.
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Gramblie Brickarse,
It was so nice to hear one of your songs, which was performed so well by Rex Harrison. Didn’t you write many songs with professional Cockney, Anthony Newley? It would be lovely to hear one of those. Can you recommend one?
How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we won. Sort of. £2.04 back from our £2.20 stake. 16 pees down [You can count. well done. - Ed.] What happened? Read on.
Birmingham vs Barnsley - Home win
Result - Birmingham 2 Barnsley 1
After an even opening half hour, Lukas Jutkiewicz won the ball in the air, kept possession, then turned to measure a left-foot pass through to Onel ‘Nellie’ Hernandez, who ran on to slot a low right-foot shot past keeper Brad Collins.
Blues doubled their lead after the break when Ryan Woods' left-wing corner eluded Collins, came back off the chest of Carlton Morris and Scott Hogan reacted first, taking a touch before poking in the loose ball from close range.
The visitors went close when Michael Helik hit the post.
They finally pulled one back through Victor Adeboyejo.
Stoke vs Fulham - Away win
Result - Stoke 2 Fulham 3
After strikers D'Margio Wright-Phillips and Rodrigo Muniz traded goals inside the first 90 seconds, Fulham led at the break when they got a second, possibly from Fabio Carvalho, although Muniz appeared to get the final touch.
Stoke’s Lewis Baker blasted the hosts level again from 30 yards. But, although Muniz might have missed out on a hat-trick when his header bounced off the bar, it fell to Bobby Decordova-Reid who connected superbly on the half-volley from 18 yards.
Morecambe vs Wycombe - Away win
Result - Morecambe 3 Wycombe 2
The Chairboys enjoyed the best possible start when they took the lead after just 90 seconds as Adebayo Akinfenwa headed home Jordan Obita's left-wing cross.
Morecambe hit back after 39 minutes. Aaron Wildig swung in a left-wing corner and skipper Anthony O'Connor beat his marker to head past Stockdale from close range.
The visitors regained the lead in the 54th minute when Jack Grimmer volleyed superbly past goalkeeper Trevor Carson from the right-hand side of the area after Akinfenwa had flicked on.
The Shrimps came back again and levelled through Jonah Ayunga on the hour after Stockdale had parried out Cole Stockton's low shot from the edge of the area.
And it was the prolific Stockton who sealed the points six minutes later when he was picked out by Ayunga in the box and volleyed past the stranded Stockdale from six yards.
Salford vs Colchester - Home win
Result - Salford 0 Colchester 3
Wow! But still boo.
Captain Luke Chambers and Myles Kenlock scored before half-time and substitute Corie Andrews wrapped it up late on.
The visitors dominated the first half with Cole Skuse hitting the post within two minutes before being forced off through injury.
Salford’s Ryan Watson volleyed over before Alan Judge wasted a glorious chance for the U's, heading over unmarked.
Freddie Sears was then denied by Tom King but the Ammies keeper was soon beaten as Chambers headed in Judge's cross on the half hour.
The lead was doubled on the next attack as Chambers' goalbound header was stopped on the line allowing Kenlock to tap in.
Salford made a double change at half-time but never looked like getting back in the game, and Colchester clinched the win on the break when Andrews scampered clear to score.
Scunthorpe vs Newport - Away win
Result - Scunthorpe 0 Newport 1
Mickey Demetriou hit the post from 12 yards after Oliver Cooper was fouled in the area.
Courtney Baker-Richardson headed home Cooper's free-kick early in the second half.
After Luke Matheson was fouled in the Newport box, Nick Townsend denied Myles Hippolyte's penalty to earn the visitors all three points.
Okay, three wins out of five for The Grambler. Can he/she/it improve on that, this week? [In a word... no. - Ed.]
Game - Result - Odds
Barnsley vs Bournemouth - Away win - 11/20
QPR vs Reading - Home win - 4/6
Cheltenham vs Wigan - Away win - 10/11
Doncaster vs Plymouth - Away win - 19/20
Gillingham vs Oxford - Away win - 5/6
The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping
I say whopping, I actually mean not at all whopping.
Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set in the last edition? Here are the answers.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Stepney in 1980. A left-back, I began my senior career at Arsenal making 156 appearances before being transferred to Chelsea where I played in 229 matches. I was capped 107 times for England, making me the most capped full-back.
Answer - Ashley Cole
2. How long did Brian Clough spend as manager of Leeds United?
Answer - 44 days
3. Who has scored the most Premier League goals for Liverpool?
Answer - Robbie Fowler with 128
4. What record is held by Fred Everiss?
Answer - He was secretary/manager of West Bromwich Albion from 1902 to 1948 making him (technically) the longest serving manager in the English football league.
5. Which English club’s crest features a lion, a goose and two bees?
Answer - Burnley
Shall we have another five for this week? Of course we shall.
1. Who am I?
I was born in Gateshead in 1967. I began my senior career at Newcastle United, before several moves to, among others, Spurs, Lazio, Rangers, Middlesbrough and Everton. I was capped 57 times for England. Wikipedia says that I was ‘widely recognised as the most naturally talented English footballer of his generation’.
2. Who has made the most Premier League appearances for Crystal Palace?
3. Who was the last English manager of Arsenal?
4. How many Scots have managed F.A. Cup winning teams?
5. Which African national teams have the nicknames Super Eagles (for the men’s team) and Super Falcons (for the women’s team)?
There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.
Remember the serious message...
As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).
Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.
And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, we end on a sad note. This week, one of the blog’s favourite entertainers died. Barry Cryer has died at the age of 86. His early career was as a writer for comedy shows such as The Frost Report and Doctor in the House (with Graham Chapman). The first time I heard of him was when he compered Jokers Wild in the early 1970s. He seemed to be more comfortable as a radio performer and starred in shows such as Hello, Cheeky!, I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue and You’ll Have Had Your Tea. Regular readers of this blog may recall my ‘borrowing’ of the characters Dougal and Hamish from that show. You may also remember a link to Barry’s number one hit record, The Purple People Eater. Number one? Yes, in Finland. I think it is only right that we finish with my favourite Bary Cryer joke...
Ringo Starr, eh? He wasn’t the best drummer in the world... He wasn’t the best drummer in The Beatles.
Well, it made me laugh.
Wait, there’s more. It is indeed ironic that he died on the date of Robert Burns’ birthday. Why? Because I am going to end this week’s blog with an edition of You’ll Have Had Your Tea. Which One? The Burns Night Special.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.