Saturday, 27 November 2021

Post 430 - Grambler on the roof... again

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

Have you ever had the roof of your house replaced? No? Neither have I.

Odd start to this week's (g)ramble, I hear you say. There is a reason for asking. The roof of my house has never shown any signs of leaking, so being a firm believer in leaving well alone, I have not had the roof replaced.

I am asking you more out of interest. How long did it take to have the job done? Two days? Three? Probably no more than that, I'm thinking.

Indeed, when I have seen houses around where I live having their roofs replaced, the job is done within a couple of days. They are fairly simple apex types, so it is probably an easy job for a competent roofer. None of those fancy sticky outy windows in the roof to deal with. [I see you know all the architectural terms. - Ed.]

Some houses on the street are still council owned... yes, I live in an ex-council house; what of it? Anyway, when it comes to any repair work on these rented accommodations, it is the council's responsibility. Yes? Yes. So, this week's rant concerns one of my favourite topics... council workers and their unique unhurried method of working.

Roofers who are self-employed, tend to be sensible enough to have all the materials to hand when they start work. Up goes a ladder, down come the old slates and waterproofing material into a skip. Next, the new waterproofing goes up, followed by any battens. Finally the new slates go up. Job done. Two days. Three tops.

The house directly across the road from me is still council property and is of an age where it has been deemed necessary to replace the roof. Fine. So, fourteen weeks ago, a squad of guys arrived to put up scaffolding. No ladder for council workers. Oh no. They get a staircase. They get flooring on several levels to walk on. They have netting too and hand rails. The erecting of this heavy-duty equipment took all of three days. I understand that workers' safety is important, but this was surely overdoing it.

After it was put up, I expected to see the roofers make an appearance and so they did... four weeks later. Thus, the lady who lives in this house had had to use her lights constantly because all the pipework and platforms had plunged the house into darkness.

Any road up, the council workers did eventually make an appearance. On a Monday about ten weeks ago, four council vans drove into the street and eight or more workers set to having a tea break before they made a start. They then worked for a couple of hours before stopping for lunch which lasted over an hour. Finally, in the after-lunch period, they put in a couple of hours before heading off. In all, probably about four hours work had been done.

They had removed all the tiles and replaced the waterproofing membrane which was only partially battened down.

The next day, did they return to complete the job? Do me a favour. Did they return on the Wednesday? As if. Thursday? I should cocoa. Friday? Yes. Yay! No, not yay. Two vans drew up and the crews sat in their vehicles for a couple of hours before driving off. I'm guessing that they couldn't do anything without the rest of the roofers... or, indeed, roof slates. In all the weeks that the work had been 'in progress'... hah!.. no slates had been delivered. Council efficiency at play, methinks.

Mrs G and I then went away for a week long break... What? Oh yes, we enjoyed it very much, thanks for asking. We thought the work would have been completed during the week we were away. Was it? Was it f... No it wasn't. However, the roof did have several piles of slates positioned in such a way that they could be fixed in place without much effort. And so it was that, six weeks after the work began... or was it seven, I had kind of lost count by that stage, a squad of guys appeared to finish the job... after the obligatory hour long teabreak before actually starting work, that is. How long did this part of the job take? Probably about an hour. Finally. Job done. Yay!

No. Still not yay. That fitting of the tiles was done on a Friday; on the following Monday, all the tiles were removed again. Obviously, a leak had manifested itself and a bit more care was required to effect a leakproof roof. [Is there a dog in here? - Ed.]

Luckily, this repair didn't take long and the job was completed... properly this time. Yay? Definitely. Well, maybe.

That all happened seven or so weeks ago. Then, a couple or three weeks later there was a little activity... and when I say little, I mean very little... Someone arrived at the house and put some protective polythene over all the windows.

Promising, I thought. He didn't take long to perform this task and he was off. It’s nice to see a council employee actually doing something fairly quickly. An hour or so later, a van arrived and was parked outside the house. Oh good, I thought, things are starting to move. Wrong. The two occupants of the van remained in the vehicle. After ten minutes, one of them got out of the van and ambled, cigarette in hand, towards a pile of material which had been sitting on the house's front grass for several weeks. He lifted some pieces of plastic cladding and slowly carried them round to the back of the house. He then returned and climbed back into the van to join his workmate... Workmate, hah!.. and began reading a newspaper. After half an hour of this, the papers were put to one side and [They got out and did some work? - Ed.] they drove off.

So, it took two men (one of whom did fu... nothing) the best part of an hour to carry some fairly light strips of plastic from the front of the house to the back.

Did they come back the following day? [I'm guessing, from what I've read so far, no. - Ed.] Wrong. They were back the next day to fix the light pieces of plastic around doors and windows. Ah... so the house was going to be rough-cast as well. At the time I wondered how long it would take them. A fortnight? A month? Who knows when these guys are working to the hectic schedule that council workers are famous for. [I'm guessing that you are being sarcastic. - Ed.] Just a tad.

As it happens, they actually returned the following day. I was, quite frankly, amazed. They spent the day coating the existing rough-cast with cement and then hurling shovel-fulls of little stones at it.

There's a thing, why is rough-casting a building so (literally) hit and miss? I would have thought a more efficient method would have been developed before now.

Any road up, these two workers stuck to their task (which is more than could be said for most of the stones) and had the job done within a couple of days.

That was three weeks ago. You would have thought that the scaffolding would have been removed soon after, wouldn't you? Don't be daft, this is a council job we're talking about.

Another week passed and then another guy appeared. He was there to affix a light to the outside of the house. That might have been a big job requiring drilling through the brickwork and connecting wiring before the lamp could be put in place. But it wasn't. There had been a light there before all the work had started, so it was just a case of fitting a new one in the same place and using existing wiring. Simple job. Shouldn't have taken more than half an hour. Between extended tea breaks, this 'worker' spent the full day putting a single light up. Isn't that shocking? [It would have been if he'd got his wires connected wrongfully. - Ed.]

Did the scaffolding that had been up for approaching three months get removed at long last? Not for another fortnight. Finally, this very week, my neighbour is able to sit in her house without lights on during daylight hours. At last, we can say yay.

It took the council at least fourteen weeks to do a job that a private contractor would take about a week to do.

Of course, there is another reason why I am [Wasn't he one of the Black Eyed Peas? - Ed.]... ahem... having this little rant about the time and money-wasting council. [Other than the fact that you are a nosey b******? - Ed.] It comes at a time when councils up and down the country are bleating on about the amount of council tax money they are receiving. Once again, the mantra goes that, unless the sum is increased, the councils might not be able to maintain offering services to such a high standard.

Sorry pardon excuse me?

Scaffolding?  That's for wimps. Ladders'll do for me.


 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 27th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Hercules Brabazon Brabazon 1821 - Painter. I’d never actually heard of him, but what a cracking name.

Chaim Weizmann 1874 - First president of Israel.

Mona Washbourne 1903 - Jobbing actress. Played Mrs Pearce in My Fair Lady. Here’s a thing... The first time I went to the theatre as a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] was to see My Fair Lady. I can’t remember who was in it other than James Hayter who played Albert Doolittle, Eliza’s dad. Why do I tell you this? Well, I didn’t realise for many years that the title was a play on words and accents. I was an adult before it dawned on me that the words ‘my fair’ were there because that is how Cockney, Eliza would pronounce Mayfair. It’s a bit like a pal of mine who didn’t work out why Sandie Shaw always went on stage with bare feet. [She couldn’t afford shoes? - Ed.] No. Sandie Shaw = sandy shore where you might walk barefoot. Oh how we laughed.

Robert Dougall 1913 - Bloke who read the news.

Roland ‘Tiny’ Rowland 1917 - Businessman whose parents either had no imagination or a warped sense of humour.

Peter Tuddenham 1918 - Actor. Arthur in The Marriage Lines. Ask your gran.

David Waller 1920 - Actor. Shuttleworth in Alan Bennett’s A Day Out.

Buster Merryfield 1920 - Actor. Uncle Albert in Only Fools and Horses.

Ernie Wise 1924 - Comedian. Half of comedy duo Morecambe and Wise or one third if you believe Eric Morecambe’s story about their appearance on the US Ed Sullivan Show when they were introduced as Morry, Cambey and Wise.

Arnold Clark 1927 - Car salesman.

Alan Simpson 1929 - Scriptwriter who with Ray Galton wrote such comedy gems as Hancock’s Half Hour and Steptoe & Son. Ask your dad.

Verity Lambert 1935 - Television and film producer. Responsible for various famous shows such as The Naked Civil Servant, Rock Follies, Minder, Widows and Jonathan Creek.

Rodney Bewes 1937 - A likely lad.

Tony Allen 1939 - Footy bloke.

Tony Green 1939 - Mr Darts.

John Alderton 1940 - Actor. Bernard Hedges in Please Sir!

Peter Thompson 1942 - Footy bloke.

Alain de Cadenet 1945 - Racey car bloke.

Dennis Tueart 1949 - Foo’y blurk.

Arthur Smith 1954 - Comedian.

Charlie Burchill 1959 - A Simple Mind. A clip? Why not. Here’s a very early TV outing on The Old Grey Whistle Test in 1979 performing Life in a Day-ee-ay. Jim Kerr going through his Blackadder phase of hairstyle.

Desiree Heslop aka Princess 1961 - Singer. Had a few top 40 hits; here is the one that made it into the top 10, Say I'm Your Number One. Number 7, actually.

Samantha Bond 1961 - Actress. Lady Rosamund Painswick in Downton Abbey.

Richard Corsie 1966 - Booler.

Rosie Cavaliero 1967 - Actress. Wendy in Hold the Sunset.

Joel Beckett 1973 - Actor. Jake in Eastenders. Him.

Alec Newman 1974 - Actor. Niven Guthrie in Shetland. Him.

Laura Newton 1977 - Crickety bloke.

Mike Skinner 1978 - Musician. Aka The Streets. Have a clip. Here’s Fit But You Know It.

Gary Lucy 1981 - Actor. Luke Morgan in Hollyoaks.

Oritsé Williams 1986 - Singer songwriter. Once a bit of JLS. Time for a clip. Here’s One Shot.

Josh James (Dubovie) 1990 - Who? Blink and you missed him. He sang the UK’s entry in 2010’s Eurovision Song Contest. In case you have forgotten (which I assume most of you have) the song was called That Sounds Good to Me. Unfortunately, it didn’t sound good to whoever judges the contest, because the song amassed a grand total of 10 points, finishing in last place. Oh dear. It wasn’t exactly popular with the record buying public either; it peaked at position 179 in the UK charts. Oh dear oh dear. His follow-up single was called Game Over and it most certainly was; that didn’t even chart. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Would you like to hear his ‘hit’? [Must we? - Ed.] Yes, and here it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gramblie Burchill,

It was choice seeing the early footage of you and the other Simple Minds on TOGWT. Of course, here in the land of the All Blacks, we spotted your potential long before the folk back in the Mother Country and sent one of your songs to the top of our charts a good six years before the Brits did. Do you know what song that was?

Chur Bro,

Walter Front.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? In a word: rubbish. 62 pees back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

 

Sheffield Utd vs Coventry - Home win

Result - Sheffield Utd 0 Coventry 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The home side were booed off by some of their fans at half-time after failing to produce a single effort of note.

They belatedly raised their game to dominate the final half hour and it took a great save by former Blades keeper Simon Moore to deny Morgan Gibbs-White a late winner.

And that was about it.

 

Middlesbrough vs Millwall - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 1 Millwall 1

Ooh! ’It the bar! Again.

Boro made the stronger start and took the lead after 15 minutes, as Duncan Watmore's cross deflected to Matt Crooks, who steered his header home at the back post.

Millwall responded well as Benik Afobe's shot from eight yards was cleared but bounced in off the unfortunate Sol Bamba for an own goal.

In the second half, Boro scrambled the ball clear when Millwall defender Daniel Ballard headed across goal from a free-kick, before Lions keeper Bartosz Bialkowski tipped away a powerful Marcus Tavernier strike after the midfielder cut inside.

 

Swansea vs Blackpool - Home win

Result - Swansea 1 Blackpool 1

Ooh! ’It the bar! Again!

The visitors created the first half chance of the day when Jerry Yates cut in from the left, but his low shot was comfortably gathered by Ben Hamer.

Swansea gradually began to exert control, and Ethan Laird saw the first of two penalty claims waved away when he went down under pressure from Reece James.

Swansea’s goal came when they worked the ball well to the feet of Joel Piroe 25 yards from the target.

Rather than lay the ball off, Piroe spun on to his weaker right foot [He Pirouetted. Ha! - Ed.] before unleashing a shot which arrowed into the far corner of the net.

The leveller came from a set-piece, as Hamer could only punch James' corner as far as Keshi Anderson and he steered the ball inside the post from 15 yards.

Anderson might have repeated the trick in stoppage time as another corner was not dealt with, but this time Ryan Manning headed out from under the bar.

 

 

MK Dons vs Burton - Home win

Result - MK Dons 1 Burton 0

Yay!

The Dons almost took the lead just before the break when right-back Peter Kioso picked the ball up midway through the Burton half before letting rip with a thundering effort, which looked set to find Albion goalkeeper Ben Garratt's top corner only to fizz inches past the post.

Max Watters went close on 60 minutes after racing through on goal from a Scott Twine through ball but saw his first-time effort from inside the Burton area well saved as MK turned the screw.

Watters made no mistake minutes later when Matt O'Riley played a superb ball behind the Albion defence, which sent the Cardiff loanee through on goal and he slotted a neat finish under the body of keeper Garratt.

 

Portsmouth vs Wimbledon - Home win

Result - Portsmouth 2 Wimbledon 1

Yay!

Marcus Harness scored a dramatic late winner as Portsmouth came from behind to beat AFC Wimbledon.

Ollie Palmer put the visitors in front from the penalty spot, but Michael Jacobs restored parity before Harness' 89th-minute winner.

Jacobs had the home side's best chance early on after a neat flick from Harness but was denied by a smart save from Nik Tzanev.

The Dons did have a decent opportunity of their own soon after when Palmer's speculative effort was comfortably saved by Gavin Bazunu.

Palmer opened the scoring from the spot in the 24th minute after Ronan Curtis was penalised for a foul on Nesta Guinness-Walker in the 18-yard box.

However, Jacobs slotted home after 63 minutes to make it 1-1, and Pompey claimed all three points a minute from time when Joe Morrell found the in-form Harness.

 

What has The Grambler predicted for us this week? Can he/she/it make amends? [Course not. - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Bournemouth vs Coventry - Home win - 10/11

Swansea vs Reading - Home win - 7/10

Burton Albion vs Doncaster - Home win - 17/20

Forest Green vs Bristol Rovers - Home win - 4/6

Port Vale vs Hartlepool - Home win - 5/6

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.42

Four pees more whopping than last week. Woo hoo!

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1961 in Erlangen, Germany. My senior career began at Borussia Mönchengladbach in 1979. I then moved to Bayern Munich, then Inter Milan and then back to Bayern Munich. I was capped 150 times for West Germany/Germany, making me the most capped German player ever. I played in five World Cup campaigns and hold the record for the most World Cup matches played (25). In 1991 I was named as FIFA’s first World Player of the Year.

Answer - Lothar Matthäus (I do apologise. He’s been done before. The old memory isn’t what it was, you know.)

2. What country did Mike England play for?

Answer - Wales

3. Tom Finney made 433 appearances for which team?

Answer - Preston North End

4. Who has managed Coventry City, Southampton, Celtic and Middlesbrough?

Answer - Gordon Strachan

5. Name all the teams with ‘City’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date)... there are 18 in all.

Answer - Stoke City, Lincoln City, Birmingham City, Manchester City, Leicester City, Bristol City, Bradford City, Hull City, Leeds City, Coventry City, Cardiff City, Norwich City, Exeter City, Swansea City, Durham City, York City, Chester City and Salford City.

Some for this week? Why not.

1. Who am I? [Someone you’ve done before? - Ed.]

I was born in 1976 in Dakar, Senegal. I began my senior career at Cannes before moving to Milan. I then moved to Arsenal for nine years before moving to Juventus, then Inter Milan and, finally Manchester City. I was capped for France 107 times. I now manage a Premier League side.

2. There has been a bit of a management merry-go-round in the Premier League over the past few weeks. Dean Smith lost his job at Aston Villa to be replaced by Stephen Gerrard; Daniel Farke got kicked out of Norwich City to be replaced by, would you Adam and Eve it, Dean Smith. Ole Gunnar Solskjær got booted out of Manchester United this week... perhaps Daniel Farke will get the job. Obviously, that isn’t going to happen, but I thought this would be an apt question for you...

Who is the longest-serving manager in the Premier League.

3. Jimmy Armfield spent his entire playing career with which club?

4. Which club plays at the Peninsula Stadium, Moor Lane?

5. Name all the teams with ‘Town’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date)... there are 19 in all.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. A. Smith who was born on this day 67 years ago. Arthur Smith has been on the stand-up comedy circuit since the early 1980s when he was seen as an ‘alternative’ comedian. He first appeared at the Edinburgh Fringe in 1977 and regularly performs there to this day. I thought we might end this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog with a clip from an early TV series he made in the mid 1980s which proves he wasn't always a grumpy old man... he was once a grumpy young man.  Enjoy a bit of Arthur and Phil Go Off...

Well, I thought it was funny.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 20 November 2021

Post 429 - A stand-up gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

Story time...

'Hello George.  Not seen you in a while.  Are you going to tell us a joke?'

'Yes and it's a good un... What do you get if you cross a horse with a skunk?'

'Haha.  Yes, that is good... I don't get it.'

‘That's not the joke.  You've got to respond and I'll give the punchline?'

'Oh right, I've got to correspond.  Yes, of course.
My response to that is that it is a complete impossibility.  You can cross a horse with a donkey and get a mule.  That's possible... Why is it called a mule?  I've never understood that bit.  If you cross a lion with a tiger, it's called a liger, or a tigon which makes some sense.  But mule?  Or hinny.  I forgot about that.  Something to do with whether the horse or the donkey is the mother... or indeed the father.  You would reckon that a cross between a horse and a donkey would be a dorse, or a honkey... Maybe not.  I wonder if you can cross horses with zebras.  A zorse?  Hebra?  And would it still be stripy?  That's one to ponder.

Any road up, getting back to your question, I think any combination of horse and skunk would need some scientific interinvention.  A bit of genital engineering. That's a step too far. It'd be like that book by Bombadier Billy Wells, The Island of Doctor Poirot, I think it was called. Ooh, that was scary... he'd got all these animals to evolve into humans, well sort of. He'd got them all talking and walking on their hind legs... a bit like George Oh well did in that book where the animals chase the owner from the farm. Then the animals on this farm take over. The animals actually run the farm. Then the animals on the farm start squabbling. Can't remember what it was called.

You couldn't really call that genital engineering though... there was no cross fertiliser going on.

Hmm... a horse with a skunk... No, I don't know. What's the answer? Oh. He's gone.

How very rude.'

 

A dorse



Story time proper...

I've had an idea. [Uh oh. Dangerous. - Ed.] It's a sure fire way to make money. I'm going to start producing lecterns. [Not dangerous. Just daft. What is a lectern, anyway?- Ed. ]

A lectern is that thing a speaker places his book on when he is standing to give his speech. They are used in churches a lot.

So why do I think producing lecterns would be a good business plan? [Exactly what I was thinking. - Ed.] Because sitting down is dangerous. And I'm not just talking about spilling hot dinner over yourself (I'm always doing that) dangerous; I'm talking about bad for your health dangerous.

There has been a health study which concludes that sitting down too much is worse for you than being old, being a smoker or being fat. Hard to believe but, apparently, the figures do stack up.

The main perpetrator of the study is so confident of the findings that she does not have chairs in her home. Not for her to sit on, at least... maybe some for visitors. The nearest thing to a chair that she uses is a high stool-like contraption that she can lean against. She calls it perching. Whenever she uses her computer she lies on a chaise longue... one of those couch things that can’t quite seem to make its mind up. Am I a sofa with arms or without? Tell you what, I’ll have an arm at one end and nothing at the other.

I am not making this up... well, the talking sofa bit, yes, but not the having no chairs bit. And she isn't just some wild eccentric. She is a professor, so she must be clever. Right?

Unfortunately her findings do not bode well for me. I sit a lot, especially when I am writing such interesting articles as these. [You're confusing 'interesting article' with 'complete drivel'. - Ed.] No I'm not. This is all absolutely true. So, I plan to construct a lectern for myself, or a perching stool.

In future, when Mrs G berates me for sitting around, too much, I can counter that I am not sitting around, I am standing around... or perching. [Who's a pretty boy? - Ed.]

So there you are. My business plan is to make lots of lecterns so that you can place a book or tablet on it and work away as if you were sitting at a desk... only you wouldn't be sitting, you'd be standing. [Or perching? - Ed.]

Think of it, though. Businesses wouldn't have to purchase lots of big bulky desks and chairs taking up acres of space. A person standing at a lectern wouldn't take up much room at all. You could get twice as many in the same building site. [Do you think that's all right? - Ed.] It's a terrific plan. Everybody wins. The health of the workers improves and companies could save a fortune by not having to rent huge office buildings. Brilliant or what? [What, definitely. - Ed.]

Righty ho, no time like the present. Let's get started.

Dear Mr/Mrs Dragon's Den...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 20th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Charles Lamb 1900 - Actor. One of those faces you saw on all the UK TV dramas of the 60s and 70s. Who can forget The Porter in Department S or Old Man and Elderly Victim in The Bill and Orderly in Quatermass? Probably everyone. Guess how many credits on IMDb... 184. Wow.

Geoffrey Sumner 1908 - Actor. Seemed to have cornered the market in playing high-ranking military types. Major Upshot-Bagley in The Army Game.

Alistair Cooke 1908 - Journalist and broadcaster.

Dulcie Gray 1915 - Ectress. Kate Harvey in Howard’s Way.

Harry Worth 1917 - Comedian.

Kathie Kay 1918 - Singer. Appeared on The Billy Cotton Band Show a lot. This is her most famous toon, We Will Make Love.  [I'm shocked.  That ought to have been banned by the Beeb Beeb Ceeb. - Ed.]

Timothy Evans 1924 - Man wrongly accused of murder.

Terry Hall 1926 - Ventriloquist.

Bernard Horsfall 1930 - Actor. Dr Philip Martell in Enemy at the Door. Him.

Bill Wallis 1936 - Actor. Gaoler Ploppy in Blackadder II. Him.

Brian Hall 1937 - Actor. Terry the cook in Fawlty Towers. Him.

Vivien Neves 1947 - Page 3 model. Ask your dad.

Gary Green 1950 - Musician. Multi-instrumentalist with Gentle Giant. Time for a clip. Here’s Proclamation.

Kenneth McDonald 1950 - Actor. Gunner ‘Nobby’ Clark in It Ain’t Half Hot Mum. Him.

Kit Watkins 1953 - Musician. One-time keyboard maestro with one of my favourite prog bands, Camel. Fancy a clip? Here’s a track he wrote, Eye of the Storm

Mary Sandeman 1954 - Singer. Perhaps better known as Aneka, singing this (not very woke) song, Japanese Boy.

Paul King 1960 - Musician and TV presenter. Had a hit, you know. He did and all. Here it is, Love and Pride.

Jamie Smith 1980 - Fitba guy.

Kimberley Walsh 1981 - A Girl Aloud. Have a clip. Here’s The Promise.

Scott Hutchison 1981 - Musician. Founding member of Mastersystem, a band which ended with his suicide in 2018. Here he is with his last release from the band’s only album, Old Team.  A warning: the language is a bit ripe.

Andrea Riseborough 1981 - Actress. Svetlana in The Death of Stalin. Her.

Ryan O’Donnell 1982 - Actor and singer. Works a lot with Ian Anderson. Who? You know, him from off of Jethro Tull... The one that plays the flute standing on one leg [Don’t be daft, flutes don’t have legs. - Ed.] Here he is on a clip from Thick as a Brick 2 or TAAB 2, Swing It Far.

Justin Hoyte 1984 - Footy bloke.

Grant Hanley 1991 - Fitba guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Grambly Green,

Wonderful to hear a track from that wonderful, but sadly underrated, band Gentle Giant of which you were a part. We were wondering, from which album did the track ‘Proclamation’ come?

Yours interestedly,

Dee Power, Andy Glory.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we won. Yay! Sort of. Not Yay! We got £2.04 back from our £2.20 bet. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Exeter vs Oldham - Home win

Result - Exeter 2 Oldham 1

Yay!

Oldham started well, with Jamie Bowden and Benny Couto both missing good chances to break the deadlock.

After overcoming a slow start, Exeter went in front on 17 minutes when Josh Key's cross picked out Jay and he swivelled and fired a shot into the far corner from six yards.

The Grecians started the second half well, with Brown capitalising on a defensive mistake to score in the 50th minute.

Brown had a glorious chance to make it 3-0 when he latched on to a poor back-pass, but he rolled his shot wide of the near post with only the goalkeeper to beat.

Oldham pulled a goal back when Bowden let fly from distance to score a screamer six minutes from time but, despite late pressure, they could not find an equaliser.

 

Arbroath vs Queen of the South - Home win

Result - Arbroath 1 Queen of the South 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The clearest first-half chance fell to Queens' Innes Cameron, who screwed wide when it looked easier to score, having earlier had a goal ruled offside.

He made amends shortly after the break, netting a diving header from Max Johnston's cross.

Hoever, Arbroath's pressure paid off when Michael McKenna smashed home.

Queens should have regained the lead in the final 10 minutes when Ally Roy played in Cameron, but he drilled a shot past the post.

 

Inverness CT vs Dunfermline - Home win

Result - Inverness CT 1 Dunfermline 2

Boo!

The visitors fell behind to a close-range Billy Mckay strike after Michael Gardyne's shot hit the post.

Dunfermline overturned Inverness CT's dominance after the break and Lewis McCann slid in Aaron Comrie's cross before Dom Thomas found the top corner with an 18-yard strike.

Home substitute Anthony MacDonald and Scott Allardice both sent efforts wide and Lewis Jamieson had a shot effort cleared off the line.

 

Morton vs Kilmarnock - Away win

Result - Morton 0 Kilmarnock 2

Yay!

The hosts were the better side for the opening half hour but Blair Alston's strike from a Chris Burke pass turned the tide.

Burke then provided the assist for Oli Shaw to quickly double the lead.

 

East Fife vs Airdrieonians - Away win

Result - East Fife 0 Airdrieonians 1

Yay!

Where’s the match report? Sorry, this is a game from Scottish League division doesn’t matter, so the Beeb where I nick source my reports don’t cover it.

 

Oh well, let’s see if The Grambler can give us a wee profit this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Sheffield Utd vs Coventry - Home win - 10/11

Middlesbrough vs Millwall - Home win - 19/20

Swansea vs Blackpool - Home win - 5/6

MK Dons vs Burton - Home win - 3/4

Portsmouth vs Wimbledon - Home win - 3/4

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.38

Ten pees less whopping than last week. [That’s ten pee less that you won’t win. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born near Paris in 1993. I began my senior career at Manchester United before moving to Juventus. I returned to Man U after four years at Juventus for a transfer fee of £89 million. I have been capped for France 89 times.

Answer - Paul Pogba

2. Which club plays at The New Den?

Answer - Millwall

3. Which famous first will always be held by Keith Peacock?

Answer - He was the first player as a sub in the Football League

4. What country do Brondby come from?

Answer - Denmark

5. Name all the teams with ‘Athletic’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

Answer - Six: Oldham Athletic, Millwall Athletic, Aberdare Athletic, Charlton Athletic, Bournemouth & Boscombe Athletic and Wigan Athletic

 

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Would you like another five for this week? Of course you would.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1961 in Erlangen, Germany. My senior career began at Borussia Mönchengladbach in 1979. I then moved to Bayern Munich, then Inter Milan and then back to Bayern Munich. I was capped 150 times for West Germany/Germany, making me the most capped German player ever. I played in five World Cup campaigns and hold the record for the most World Cup matches played (25). In 1991 I was named as FIFA’s first World Player of the Year.

2. What country did Mike England play for?

3. Tom Finney made 433 appearances for which team?

4. Who has managed Coventry City, Southampton, Celtic and Middlesbrough?

5. Name all the teams with ‘City’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date)... there are 18 in all.

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. H. Illingsworth who provides us with this week’s finishing item. Who the f... Who is H. Illingsworth, I hear you ask. Well, Mr Harry Illingsworth was a famous comedian from some time back in the last century. Okay, that name wasn’t quite how he was known; he dropped the first part of his surname to become Harry Worth. He was one of television’s biggest comedy stars throughout the 1960s. He was the star of many ‘sitcoms’ from that era. He made over 100 programmes for the Beeb. All were based on his ‘character’ of someone who is totally bemused by everything around him and just bumbles his way through life creating havoc wherever he went... a gentler, more subtle version of Michael Crawford’s Frank Spencer character in Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em, with a bit of Harry Hill thrown in, if you like. Strangely though, Harry Worth is best remembered not for the content of any given show, but for the opening credits. Those of us of a certain age still remember trying to emulate his levitation trick whenever we passed a shop with a plate glass window. Admit it all you oldies that read this blog, you did. Of course, it was just an optical illusion, but it was known to everyone as doing a Harry Worth.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday, 12 November 2021

Post 428 - An angry fan gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

Story time...

For those of you who have been reading this blog since its inception (How are you both, by the way?), you may perhaps remember a reference Stewart (the founder of thegrambler.com) made to a Motherwell 'supporter' who would spend the whole match shouting abuse at the players and the match officials. Especially the match officials. (See Week 6 results: You f#%!ing plebs!) Stewart wrote the piece in 2012. Nine years ago. [I think we worked that out. - Ed.]

Well, guess what; shouty man is still there and he is still spouting forth with his vitriolic bile... and he still wears the same black baseball cap.

My grandson usually accompanies me to Motherwell games, but he has decided he doesn't want to go any more. I think shouty man has a lot to do with that decision. Shame.

His younger sister now accompanies me. She seems to enjoy going, but the other weekend she looked decidedly uncomfortable as shouty man got into his stride.

I felt I was partly responsible for her discomfort, having taken her to the match in the first place, so, unusually for me, I turned round and told him to shut up.

His reaction was odd but not unexpected. He told me that I obviously supported the opposition because I didn't 'encourage' the team the way that he did. I was already angry with him so immediately reported this lunatic to the nearest steward. [What a clipe! Please sir, he's annoying me. Wimp! - Ed.]

If you had been listening to his outbursts for nigh on ten years, you would do the same. I had had enough and I told him so.

I wasn't the only one ordering him to be quiet, several other guys were also chipping in and their language was a lot more colourful than mine. The only difference was that I was the one to stick my head above the parapet, so to speak, and actually report him.

At half time a guy from several rows behind me, came down to tell me that there was a couple of seats near him that were free; we could move there to get away from 'that f***ing nutjob'.

Another guy had spoken to the head steward on my behalf who had told him that shouty would have cctv cameras trained on him during the second half.

At the end of the match, another guy approached me and said that if I reported shouty man, he and his cronies would back me up.

Now, you may be thinking this is a remarkably depressing (g)ramble about me trying to get a supporter barred, but hold on there Bald Eagle, there is more.

Shouty man used to be accompanied by his old man who, it has to be said, was a bit senile. The old guy used to shout random things like 'Have you got clean shoes on' or 'Where's your egg cup.' No, it doesn't make sense, but at least he wasn't angry like his son.

Anyway, the old father died and shouty man now brings a wee kid along to the game. I'm guessing it's his nephew.

When I told uncle shouty man I was sick of hearing him, Mini Me, aged about ten, piped up, 'Shut it, ya fud!'

I did a double take.

'Did you... did you... just... call me... a fud?' I asked, not quite believing what I'd heard.

I just managed to tell shouty man that he had taught the young lad well, before having to turn away quickly for fear of laughing out loud and spoiling my angry persona.

Then I thought to myself [What a wonderful world? - Ed.] Ahem... that the angry guy was getting the wee fellow to follow in his footsteps. He really was teaching him... exactly how not to behave at a football match.

 

Shut it, Elmer

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 13th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Edward III 1312 - The well-known sequel to Edwards I and II.

Lady Caroline Lamb 1785 - Orfer who ‘knew’ Lord Byron.

William Hillman 1848 - Motor car manufacturer. Can you guess which make?

Robert Louis Stevenson 1850 - Orfer. Treasure Island. That was one of his.

Margaret Scudamore 1884 - Who? She was an ectress, don’tcha know. Michael Redgrave’s mum.

Hermione Baddeley 1906 - Ectress. Mrs Neil Naugatuck in Maude, a spinoff of All In The Family. 100 credits on IMDb.

Pat Reid 1910 - Army officer who escaped from Colditz Castle.

Adrienne Corri 1930 - Actress. Mrs Alexander in A Clockwork Orange. 111 credits on IMDb. Take that Baddeley.

Jean Rook 1931 - Journalist and member of the crow family.

George Carey 1935 - The well-known (ex)Archbishop of Canterbury.

Robert Whitaker 1939 - The man who photographed The Beatles.

Raymond Froggatt 1941 - Songwriter and singer. Here’s a link to a toon that was a hit for The Dave Clark Five in the Yuk. Frogatt’s version didn’t chart in Britain, but reached number 3 in The Netherlands. All together now... In and out of the red balloon...

Howard Wilkinson 1943 - Footy bloke.

Ron Harris 1944 - Footy bloke.

Mike Tagg 1946 - Athleticky bloke.

Brooks Mileson 1947 - Footy club owner.

Michael Osborne 1947 - Actor. PC Newton in Dixon of Dock Green. Mind how you go.

Trudie Goodwin 1951 - Actress. Played June Ackland in 978 episodes of The Bill.

Art Malik 1952 - Actor. Erasmus Nash in The Woman in White. 117 credits on IMDb and counting. Are you listening Baddeley? And counting.

Juliet Hammond 1953 - Actress. Natalie Chantrens in Secret Army. Her.

Diana Weston 1953 - Actress. Jill in Fairly Secret Army. What are the chances of that happening? She also appeared as Midge Ure’s wife in this video.

Simon Hinkler 1959 - A bit of The Mission. 18 singles have charted in the Yuk, but they have never quite made the top ten. Number 11 was the best they did with this, Wasteland.

Caroline Goodall 1959 - Actress. Emilie Schindler in Schindler’s List. Her.

Nicholas Bond-Owen 1968 - Actor. Played Tristram in 38 episodes of George and Mildred which began when he was only 8 years old.

Gerard Butler 1969 - Actor. King Leonidas in 300. Him.

Stewart Kerr 1974 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Camilla Power 1976 - Actress. Lorna Dickey in Waterloo Road. Her.

Kevin Bridges 1986 - Comedian.

Lando Norris 1999 - Racey car bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Simon Grambler,

Hiya Slink. I’m a great fan of The Mission and have tried to get all your albums. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get hold of your last one as the shop in Thurrock didn’t stock it. Mind you, it didn’t help that I couldn’t remember its name. Can you remind me, please?

Yours,

Anne Utherfaul, from Greys.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not very well. Only 58 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t very good. What happened? Read on...

 

Birmingham vs Reading - Home win

Result - Birmingham 1 Reading 2

Boo!

Jahmari Clarke's second-half double helped Reading fight back to beat Birmingham at St Andrew's.

The Blues quickly hit the front when Scott Hogan pounced on Liam Moore's loose backpass to round Royals goalkeeper Luke Southwood and slot into an empty net.

Reading improved and second-half substitute Clarke levelled with a powerful header from John Swift's cross.

The striker then completed the turnaround, beating Blues keeper Matija Sarkic at the second attempt after Swift's initial shot was saved.

 

Bournemouth vs Swansea - Home win

Result - Bournemouth 4 Swansea 0

Yay!

After the Swans dominated early on, the Cherries went ahead when Philip Billing crossed for Dominic Solanke to fire home.

Solanke volleyed in Leif Davis' cross for 2-0 early in the second half before Ryan Christie had a shot blocked and Jaidon Anthony nodded in the rebound.

Jamal Lowe then teed up Anthony to drive in a fourth in stoppage time.

Coventry vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Coventry 3 Bristol City 2

Yay!

10-man Coventry City twice came from behind to snatch a dramatic 92nd-minute winner against Bristol City.

The hosts missed a flurry of first-half chances before Ian Maatsen's red card for a foul inside the area led to Chris Martin's opener from the spot for the visitors.

Coventry replied via a penalty of their own from Matt Godden before Andreas Weimann tapped into an empty net to restore the Robins' lead.

Callum O'Hare fired in a second leveller before team-mate Godden sealed victory at the death.

 

Millwall vs Derby - Home win

Result - Millwall 1 Derby 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Derby held on for a point at Millwall despite having Nathan Byrne sent off following two yellow cards.

Derby took the lead when 19-year-old Festy Ebosele scored from Tom Lawrence's pass.

The Lions levelled moments later in a frantic finish to the opening half as Scott Malone beat Kelle Roos with a low angled shot after being found in space on the left-hand side.

Byrne was dismissed after fouling Malone, but Roos produced a fine save to keep out Benik Afobe's acrobatic effort.

 

West Brom vs Middlesbrough - Home win

Result - West Brom 1 Middlesbrough 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Josh Coburn put the Teessiders ahead before the break, thumping in after Duncan Watmore and Isaiah Jones combined to square the ball into his path.

The Baggies responded in the second period, although they had to wait until after the hour for the equaliser.

Grady Diangana fired in off the post when the ball broke from Kyle Bartley's header, after Robert Snodgrass put in a teasing free-kick.

 

Two out of five. Rubbish. Let’s hope The Grambler ups his/her/its game this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Exeter vs Oldham - Home win - 8/11

Arbroath vs Queen of the South - Home win - 5/6

Inverness CT vs Dunfermline - Home win - 3/4

Morton vs Kilmarnock - Away win - 19/20

East Fife vs Airdreonians - Away win - 8/11

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.48

A bit more whopping than last week. Yay! [We’ll see if you are still yaying at 5 o’clock. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Liverpool in 1985. I began my senior career at Everton before moving to Manchester United. I made 393 appearances for them and scored 183 goals. I was capped for England 120 times and scored 53 times. In 2020 I moved to my present club and in January of 2021 took on the role of manager.

Answer - Wayne Rooney

2. Who managed England during the 2002 World Cup campaign?

Answer - Sven Goran Eriksson

3. Which team are known as The Baggies

Answer - West Bromwich Albion

4. In which year did Arsene Wenger join Arsenal as manager?

Answer - 1996

5. Name all the clubs with ‘Rovers’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

Answer - Blackburn Rovers, Doncaster Rovers, Bristol Rovers, Tranmere Rovers and Forest Green Rovers

Five for this week? Indeed.

1. Who am I?

I was born near Paris in 1993. I began my senior career at Manchester United before moving to Juventus. I returned to Man U after four years at Juventus for a transfer fee of £89 million. I have been capped for France 89 times.

2. Which club plays at The New Den?

3. Which famous first will always be held by Keith Peacock?

4. What country do Brondby come from?

5. Name all the teams with ‘Athletic’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link... The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. K. Bridges, one of this week’s birthday celebrants, who provides us with a few funnies to end this week’s edition.

‘I love the Americans who visit Edinburgh, they're enthusiastic. When they're up at Edinburgh Castle, they think it's a high school because they hear gunshots every lunchtime.’

‘I've reached that age where there's a baby being passed around somebody's living room like it's a spliff.’

‘Working in Poundstretcher for no wages…working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.’

‘When the kids at school found out your parents were away, news spread like wildfire. ‘Oh I hear you’re having a party.’ Having is probably the wrong word to use…you’re GETTING a party.’

‘Primark have started selling Che Guevara t-shirts - that's a fitting testimony to the man's legacy. He fought for the poor and oppressed in South America, now his face is being stitched onto t-shirts by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia to be worn by the poor and oppressed in South East London.’

‘Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow - we were f***ing flattered.’

‘Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.’

On a thief at a party: ‘There’s a guy in the corner just trying on peoples jackets. Asking people if it suits him, not even does it fit him, does it suit him. The guy’s a petty thief but he’s also a fashionista.’

On receiving an invitation to 10 Downing Street from former Prime Minister David Cameron: ‘Got this through the door today, my heart is saying ‘f*** that’ and my head is saying ‘Aye, f*** that’.’

‘I seen a sign that said, 'Have you seen this man?' So I phoned up and I said, 'No.' I might be many things, but I'm not a grass.’

‘The guy said 'Fat boy - give me a quid, or you're getting stabbed.' I thought - quite reasonable.’

‘Can you imagine Jesus turning up at a nightclub? ‘I don't care who your dad is pal, you're not getting in with sandals on’.’

‘Asda turned me down for a job when I was 16. But Asda’s loss was the Co-op’s gain. I became one of the best shelf stackers in Clydebank.’

On listening to Celtic v Barcelona on the radio: ‘It’s quite therapeutic listening to Barca, commentators just go Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta. I think they record it on a loop in the morning.’

‘I'd catch a grenade for you, that's what passes for a love song in the modern day. Where's he planning on taking her? A romantic stroll down to Helmand Province?’

‘I seen a headline that said 'woman drugged, beaten, tied up and left for dead at neighbour's party.' Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party.’

‘The city of Glasgow was recently announced as Europe's murder capital, but also voted the UK's friendliest city. In the same week. We got our act together pronto.’

‘Remember the first day back at school after the summer holidays? That was the day that you found out what class you were in. I was never one of the rich kids who would come strolling in and have a sun tan and a new school bag- but I was never one of the ones who would come in with a black eye and a new second name.’

In reply to a tweet criticising his joke: ‘Mate, yer maw took 9 months to come up with a joke.’

Well, I liked them.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.