Week 27 - The low-alcohol Grambler

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Today's (g)ramble concerns drink... of the non alcoholic variety. Well, low alcohol, anyway.

This coming weekend I am going out with a group of people and have drawn the short straw; I am the designated driver. I'm not bothered about that. What does bother me is the lack of choice when it comes to something to drink.

I really do not enjoy fizzy soft drinks. I don't mind a fresh orange, but could only drink one. And you can only drink so many coffees before palpitations set in.

So huzzah for the low alcohol beers on sale nowadays.

I've mentioned Becks Blue and Tennent's Hee Haw in this august publication before. Other brewers are realising that low alcohol beer sells. Erdinger produces a very palatable lager substitute. The only problem with it would appear to be the amount of co2 gas contained in a bottle. It really is fizzier than champagne. Unlike champagne, the bubbles take an age to subside. I learned this to my cost the first time I tried to pour myself a glass. The glass had about an inch of liquid in it but the foam reached to the top and beyond... things might have been okay if the table on which the glass was sitting had been level; I did apologise for the wet floor, although I got some odd looks from folk as they spied the amber coloured liquid between my feet.

The next time I took this particular beverage, I made sure to pour it slowly and with the glass angled as far as I dared tilt it. Much safer... and less embarrassing.

Any road up, where is all this non alcoholic drivel leading, I hear you ask.

I was in a Lid... a Dill supermarket the other day and I spied that they sold a low alcohol beer going by the lovely name of Nanny State. Aha, I thought. Or it might have been oho. No, it was definitely aha. That is exactly what I need for my night out. Four bottles were soon clinking about in my shopping trolley.

Presently, I headed for the checkout and, as it was nice and early, there was no queue. The guy at the till put most of my shopping through without problems. Then came those bottles of faux brew...

'That's odd,' he said, 'It's not going through.'

He asked someone else in the store why this had happened.

'It's because it's not 10 o'clock,' said the other shop worker.

'I'm sorry,' said the guy on the till, 'I can't sell you this because it's not 10 o'clock.'

A little confused, I asked why not.

'I'm not allowed to sell alcohol before 10 o'clock.'

That is the ruling in Scotland. Shops aren't allowed to sell booze before that time. And despite this beer being sold as an alternative to alcoholic ale, it was still designated as an alcoholic beverage. Why not selling booze before 10 am makes any difference to anything at all, I don't know. It does, however, explain why at 9.50 every morning Douglas, the local inebriate, can be seen hanging around the local supermarket.

I went back into the same store a couple of days later (after 10 o'clock this time) to purchase my non booze booze and happened to pass by the fizzy drinks aisle. They sold shandy. This, you could apparently buy at any time of the day... even though it had twice the alcohol content of the low alcohol beer.

Honestly! It's enough to drive you to drink!

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 23rd of February? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Samuel Pepys 1633 (Cheese-obsessed diarist.), George Frederic Handel 1685 (Composer. How about a clip? Here is his famous Football Referee Chorus.), Kathleen Harrison 1892 (Salt of the earth ectress, lord luvaduck. Well, I don’t know, I’m sure.), Jon Hall 1915 (Actor.), Peter Fonda 1940 (Actor.), Bernard Cornwell 1944 (Orfer.), Florian Fricke 1944 (Krautrocker. A clip? Have a bit of Popol Vue and Why Do I Still Sleep? [Because you're tired? - Ed.]), Johnny Winter 1944 (Musician. Another clip? Here is his version of the 1937 Sonny Boy Williamson classic, Good Morning Little Schoolgirl. [Rather suspect lyrics, don't you think? - Ed.]), Rusty Young 1946 (Musician. Mainstay of Poco. Here’s some Crazy Love.), Trevor Cherry 1948 (Footy bloke.), Steve Priest 1948 (Sweet bassist... He wasn’t sweet... I mean he was with the band called Sweet. Have a clip. Here’s Blockbuster.  I'd like a P please, Bob.), Howard Jones 1955 (Musician. Here’s his first ’it.  All together now... Climbing up on Solsbury Hill... Hang on, that's not right.), David Sylvian 1958 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip? Have some Brilliant Trees.), Linda Nolan 1959 (A Nolan. Here she and her siblings are in the mood for a bit of jigging.), Melinda Messenger 1971 (Model, etc.) and Kelly Macdonald 1976 (Actress.).

 

"Aren't trees brilliant?"

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Aleogador,

It was so good to hear a track from that much underrated band Sweet. The song you gave a link to, as well as being the name of a children’s TV quiz show and a video rental shop, was the band’s only UK number one. Their next single peaked at number two, can you remember its title?

Yours with kisses on the bottom,

L. Razer.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? Oh dear, not good. 74 pees back from an outlay of £2.20 is poor. What happened? Read on...

 

Bolton vs Norwich - Prediction Away win

Result - Bolton Wanderers 0 Norwich City 4

A resounding Yay!

Teemu Pukki scored twice and bookended a superb display from Norwich. The striker turned provider in between to set up Marco Stiepermann, with Emi Buendia also on the mark.

A dominant Norwich performance was marred only by Kenny McLean seeing his second-half penalty saved by Remi Matthews after Pukki was fouled by Mark Beevers.

 

Ipswich vs Stoke - Prediction Away win

Result - Ipswich Town 1 Stoke 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Ipswich Town striker Will Keane grabbed a late equaliser to deny Stoke City a win.

James McClean opened the scoring for the visitors after a mix-up in the hosts' defence saw Jonas Knudsen head a backpass beyond goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski for an easy tap-in.

Alan Judge nearly equalised straight after the restart as his free-kick from 25 yards was tipped on to the crossbar by Jack Butland.

But Ipswich struck in the first minute of injury time as Keane nodded home Judge's inswinging corner.

 

Fleetwood vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Fleetwood Town 1 Luton Town 2

Yay!

George Moncur and Pelly Ruddock scored either side of half-time to leave the Hatters in control, with Paddy Madden pulling a late goal back for the hosts.

It was a physical affair but with the challenges flying in and yellow cards thrown around like confetti by referee Peter Banks.

Both sides were guilty of wasting their dead balls and Luton's counter-attack was maintained for the majority of the half.

Moncur scored a goal worthy of winning any match in this division, smashing a free-kick into the top corner in the 41st minute.

Fleetwood's chance of earning points after conceding first was all but put to bed moments into the second half when Ruddock curled in from 20 yards.

They did set up a nervy finish when Madden rifled home in the 90th minute, but Luton held on.

 

Macclesfield vs Colchester - Prediction Away win

Result - Macclesfield Town 1 Colchester United 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Clear-cut chances were few and far between, but Macclesfield deservedly took the lead moments before half-time.

Scott Wilson played a neat through ball for strike partner Harry Smith and when he played it back into his path, Wilson rasped a first-time finish past Rene Gilmartin.

Second-best before the break, Colchester's best chance came from a corner which ricocheted off a crowd of bodies, but Macclesfield keeper Kieran O'Hara reacted well to push it over the bar.

However, it took the U's just a minute of the second half to get back on terms.

Courtney Senior's determined charge into the box was ended by Brice Ntambwe's clumsy shove, which allowed Frank Nouble to equalise from the spot.

Though Reece Cole hit the bar for the hosts, the visitors were far stronger in the second period but also struggled to find a breakthrough and had to settle for a point.

 

Morton vs Ayr - Prediction Away win

Result - Greenock Morton 0 Ayr United 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Honest Men edged the first half, with Ross Docherty's headed goal disallowed and Michael Moffat denied by goalkeeper Robby McCrory.

Charlie Telfer's blocked effort after a nice passage of play was the hosts' best opportunity.

The action was more drab in the second half, but Ayr's Lawrence Shankland did hit the foot of the post late on.

 

What a shame about those three draws. Ho hum. What has The Grambler randomly predicted for us this week?

 

Game - Result - Odds

Birmingham vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win - Evens

Brentford vs Hull - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Middlesbrough vs QPR - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Norwich vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Wigan vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 7/10

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.50

 

Moderately whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which former Manchester United striker finished with five goals for his country Uruguay in the 2010 World Cup finals. The answer was Diego Forlan. He was Uruguay’s all-time leading goalscorer from 2011 until just two years later when a young whippersnapper called Luis Suárez assumed the title.

One for this week? How about this? It concerns football ground capacities. What League one team plays in a stadium which has a bigger capacity than the grounds of all Championship sides? Easy peasy?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, since this week’s (g)ramble concerned alcohol, a drink-themed finisher is called for and I am indebted to a Mr E. Mail who sent me the following tale. I would like to assure you readers that, while I find the story amusing, I would never condone such behaviour. Drinking and driving is wrong. [My thoughtsh eggshactly. You might shpill shome. Hic! It’sh been a tough week. - Ed.]

A police car is waiting near a pub car park at closing time.

The car park is full. As they watch, a very drunk-looking man emerges from the pub and heads for his car. The policemen decide to watch what happens.

The man struggles to find his keys in his pocket and, when he finally locates them, drops them to the ground. He then bends to pick them up and ends up on his knees to look for them.

Meanwhile, other people are coming out of the pub and soon the car park is empty apart from this one guy who finally finds his keys and, after a few tries, manages to get into his car. After a while, he manages to start the car.

The police can't believe their eyes as the car leaps forward before stalling, then, when the engine is started again, reverse gear is selected and the car almost hits a fence.

After observing all these shenanigans, the policemen decide enough is enough and walk over to the car and open the driver's door.

To their surprise, the driver appears to be stone cold sober and when they breathalyze him, the reading is negative.

They are totally flummoxed...

'I'm sorry for stopping you like this sir, but your behaviour did suggest that you were not entirely sober. You may go... but could you explain your erratic behaviour when you left the pub?'

'Simple,' says the man, 'I'm the designated decoy.'

Boom and, without a shadow of a doubt, tish!

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 26 - The Grambler and a migraine cure

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

You know I have grandchildren. You do. I told you. I did. I've got three. I did tell you. You'll have forgotten. Any road up, they like to watch tv [How unusual! Children that watch television. - Ed.]. Yes. A current favourite is a programme based on the Horrible Histories books by Terry Deary and Peter Hepplewhite. It's called... Erm... Horrible Histories.

Anyway, the kids are now at that age when they find any mention of bodily functions to be funny. The programme does tend to focus on such matters quite a lot. However, the information imparted is correct factually.

It is actually quite a good watch for adults too; especially ones like me who also find bodily function jokes to be amusing.

It is fascinating to hear of some of the primitive methods considered to be the right thing to do when treating people who were ill.

How about this one for a migraine? Trepanning. Yes, you read that correctly. Drilling a hole. In the skull. Apparently, many survived this barbaric means of treating a headache. History doesn't tell us if it got rid of the pain, though.

 

 

An early form of Migraleve

 

Maybe, in years to come, the current thinking might be considered just as barbaric...

'Do you know how doctors treated heart problems in the 21st century?'

'No.'

'They operated.'

'You what?'

'They operated. They cut people open to work on the heart.'

'Yeuch! That's horrible. Didn't they have laser healers?'

'Presumably not. And if a patient had a pain anywhere, they were given pills to swallow.'

'Pills?'

'Yes they were like little pellets. The daft thing was, if the pain was in your head, you took a pill. If the pain was in your leg, you took a pill. In fact, no matter where the pain was, you swallowed a pill.'

'That's crazy.'

'I know.'

'It was either that or they put liquid into a tube and squirted it into the bloodstream through a hollowed out needle.'

'They must have been utterly primitive back then.'

'And do you know what they did if there was a problem with circulation? They cut the offending bit off you.'

'Well, that still happens.'

'Yes, but back then, that was it. If you lost a leg, that was the end of it. No new one growing back in its place.'

'What? You mean to say they had to live with only one leg? That's just daft. They'd be lopsided. How did they walk?'

'They didn't. They had to be pushed around in wheelchairs.'

'In what?'

'Wheel chairs. Chairs with wheels.'

'Can I ask you something?'

'Yes...'

'What's a wheel?'

 

To finish, how about a gag? [For you, hopefully. - Ed.]

A man goes into hospital to have his leg amputated. After the operation, the surgeon has a word with him...

'I've got some bad news and some good news for you.'

'Oh dear. What's the bad news?'

'Erm, we amputated the wrong leg.'

'You what!!!'

'I'm afraid so. Obviously, we then had to remove the leg we were meant to take off in the first place.'

'I've lost both legs??? That's terrible! What good news could there possibly be?'

'The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.'

Boom and I think I can state quite categorically tish!

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 16th of February? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Henry Leland 1843 (Engineer. Founder of Cadillac and Lincoln.), Edgar Bergen 1903 (Ventriloliloliloquist.), James Baskett 1904 (Actor. You’ve never heard of him? You’ll recognise him from this clip... My oh my...), Richard McDonald 1909 (Co-founder of some fast food restaurant or other.), Vera-Ellen 1921 (Actress/singer/dancer. Here she is singing and dancing Three Little Words with Fred.), John Schlesinger 1926 (Actor/director. Midnight Cowboy. That was one of his.), June Brown 1927 (Ectress. Dot Cotton. Her.), Otis Blackwell 1931 (Singer/Songwriter. He wrote, among others, Fever, Great Balls of Fire, All Shook Up, Return to Sender, Handyman and this one, Don't Be Cruel.), Sonny Bono 1935 (Singer turned politician. Another clip? Why not. Here he is with his missus singing their first hit. All together now... They say we're young and we don't know...), Kim Jong-il 1941 (The well-known dictator.), Peter Hain 1950 (Politician.), James Ingram 1952 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s a song he did with a Doobie brother, Yah Mo Be There.), John ‘Brad’ Bradbury 1953 (Special drummer. A clip? Here’s Nite Klub, a live performance over the end credits of the film, Dance Craze.), Margaux Hemingway 1954 (Actress/model. Guess who her grandpa was.), Michael Holding 1954 (Crickety bloke.), Tracy Marrow 1958 (Who? Oh. Ice-T. Musician, rapper, songwriter, actor, record producer, record executive and author... In fact, a right old smarty boots.), John McEnroe 1959 (Tennisy bloke.), Andy Taylor 1961 (Geetarist. Time for another clip. Here's Rio from his Duran Duran days.  Interesting video lads.), Chistopher Eccleston 1964 (Ectaw. Doctor Who number nine.), Cathy Freeman 1973 (Runny bloke.), Valentino Rossi 1979 (Motorbike racey bloke.) and Rickie Lambert 1982 (Footy bloke.).

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Hasjoueur,

We are both great Duran Duran fans and bought all their singles and albums. Like so many top acts, they were commissioned to write the music for a James Bond film. Can you remember which one?

Yours with oodles of love,

R. Vyootoo, R. Keel.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? A huge improvement on the previous week. I say huge. £2.48 isn’t so brilliant, I suppose, but at least it is a profit. Just. What happened? Read on...

 

Derby vs Hull - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby County 2 Hull City 0

Yay!

Martyn Waghorn scored just before the break, volleying in after his initial shot was saved by David Marshall, to put the Rams deservedly ahead.

Fikayo Tomori had a great chance to double the lead early in the second half but nodded Harry Wilson's corner off target, before Waghorn made it 2-0 with a clinical finish.

Hull created little going forward, their best opportunity falling to Kamil Grosicki inside 10 minutes, but he scuffed his shot wide.

Grosicki almost turned provider midway through the second half with Jackson Irvine heading his cross inches past the post as Hull lacked any real cutting edge.

 

Sheffield Wed vs Reading - Prediction Home win

Result - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Reading 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Adam Reach spurned a glorious chance to win it for the Owls in stoppage time when he blasted over from Liam Palmer's cut back in the area.

Er... That’s it.

 

Swansea vs Millwall - Prediction Home win

Result - Swansea 1 Millwall 0

Yay!

The Swans created several first-half chances and deservedly led as George Byers struck.

Millwall grew into the game after the break and were within inches of equalising when Jed Wallace volleyed narrowly over.

The visitors had further chances to level, while Swansea's Bersant Celina saw a neat chipped effort cleared off the line.

 

Lincoln vs Northampton - Prediction Home win

Result - Lincoln City 1 Northampton Town 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

After a quiet start to the game, the Imps took the lead after 27 minutes when John Akinde flicked the ball onto Bruno Andrade, who cracked home a superb volley from just inside the box.

Lincoln dominated for a spell after the goal and looked in complete control until two key moments saw the game swing towards the visitors.

First, Harry Anderson was shown a straight red card after catching David Buchanan with a rash challenge.

Town then levelled in the fourth and final minute of first-half added time when Jack Bridge's low cross was turned home by defender Aaron Pierre.

However, the Cobblers failed to make the most of their man advantage in the second half as Lincoln more than held their own.

In fact the Imps could have snatched all three points late on when, following a Tom Pett cross, a huge appeal for a penalty for handball was rejected by referee Michael Salisbury.

 

Tranmere vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Tranmere Rovers 2 Stevenage 0

Yay!

Goals in either half from Kieron Morris and James Norwood earned Rovers a well-deserved three points following a dominant display.

Connor Jennings provided assists for both strikes, the first a clever clipped cross towards the back post that was deftly nodded into the bottom corner.

Visiting goalkeeper Paul Farman had a string of saves to make throughout the match, particularly after the break, as he denied Jennings, Jonny Smith and Norwood.

And the latter eventually got his goal by running on to a low pass, rounding the 'keeper and firing into the roof of the net from a tight angle.

Stevenage finished the match with nine men, with defender Ben Nugent the first to receive his marching orders when awarded a second booking for chopping Jennings down.

And then in injury time, substitute Elijah Adebayo, who had only been on the pitch for 22 minutes, picked up a straight red for elbowing Mark Ellis.

 

One of The Grambler’s better weeks there. [You reckon? - Ed.] Can he/she/it improve things just a little bit this week? [Nope. - Ed.] What are the randomly selected predictions for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Bolton vs Norwich - Prediction Away win - 7/10

Ipswich vs Stoke - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Fleetwood vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 23/20

Macclesfield vs Colchester - Prediction Away win - 23/20

Morton vs Ayr - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Uh oh. All away predictions. This could end in tears. [Is that the same Ayr who were beaten in the cup by non-league Auchinleck Talbot? Just thought I would ask. - Ed.]

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£14.26

 

Oh dear. That’s much too whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club Brazilian forward Ricarlison left to join Everton. The answer was, of course, Watford.

One for this week? Which former Manchester United striker finished with five goals for his country, Uruguay, in the 2010 World Cup finals? Easy peasy.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr B. Johnston who provides our finishing link this week. Who, I hear you ask. Brian Johnston, aka Jonners, was a cricket commentator at the British Broadcorping Casteration during the last century and was prone to the occasional gaffe. I’m sure I have mentioned this one before, but it is one of his most famous... a comment relating to one of our birthday celebrants.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 25 - Happy grambleday to Carole King

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Mrs G needed a new passport. Well, she needed one before the end of June and as we were considering a trip in April, the old one wouldn't do. [How long are you going away for, for goodness' sake? - Ed.] Let me explain.

As you know Mrs G and I do like to cross the Atlantic. By ship. The trip we fancy takes place in April as I have stated and, though her passport would be valid for any other trip, it is not acceptable for this one. Why not? Because we have to get off the ship in the good old U S of A and you have to have a passport with at least six months left to run to go there. Nobody has ever been able to give me a sensible reason for this practice. That is the rule. Why? It just 'is'.

Any road up, Mrs G doesn't like to leave things to the last minute, so as soon as new year was out of the way, she decided to apply for a new one. Why so soon, I hear you ask. The reason is that, if we were to go on this transatlantic voyage to the States, we would need a special form called an (and finally) Esta and you need a valid passport to get one of those... and it has to have that six months left to run.

So, we were told to apply for a passport on line rather than visit a local (Glasgow) passport office. It would be cheaper (75 quids and 50 pees as opposed to 85 quids) and easier, we were assured.   Bollocks, says I.

First off you have to get an up to date photograph of yourself. You could go to a booth and pay to have one taken, says the blurb, or you can get a friend to take one using a mobile phone camera.

Well, since we are trying to save a bit of dosh here, nine quids and 50 pees remember, it didn't make sense to pay to have a photograph taken, so I was the designated David Bailey.

The trouble is, as a photographer, I'm a bit rubbish.

Anyway, I gave it a go. There were lots of dos and don'ts on the online application form relating to the photograph...
Don't smile
Do look directly at the camera
Don't have any shadows
Don't have red eyes [So best not to have a picture taken when drunk. - Ed.]

The first attempt was made. I took the photograph, I removed the media card from the camera and inserted it in my laptop. [Ooer missus. - Ed.] Behave... I transferred the photograph and, finally, I inserted it in the correct place in the form.

After about a minute, back came the information that the photograph was unsuitable as there was too much shadow.

Okay, let's put the media card back into the phone and try again.

Same procedure; same result. Hmm.

I tried once more and this time the result was different. [Yay! - Ed.] No, not yay. The difference was that the outline of Mrs G's hair couldn't be seen. Excuse me? I thought it was the face and its features that mattered, not whether your hair is neat and tidy. What about someone who has frizzy hair? How do they cope?

I wasn't quite at screaming point. I have a very good quality camera, so I thought I would give it a try.

After a couple of rejections, a photograph was finally deemed to be acceptable. Yay!

We completed the rest of the form without any hassle and paid our money expecting to receive the new passport within a few days.

In the meantime, we had to return the old passport to the passport office. Ordinary post was acceptable, said the blurb. Sod that, thinks I. What if it gets lost along the way? When I say lost, I really mean nicked by somebody who should not have it. And it could happen. The envelope is quite obviously passport sized and clearly states where this package is going. Any old hobbledehoy could intercept it and use the information in it to get a dodgy passport.

So, ordinary postage would not do. We had to pay £6.50 to have this package tracked. £6.50! That's ten times the cost of standard postage. The words rip and off come to mind.

We received word that the office had got the old passport and that the new one would be duly processed. Yay!

No, not yay. A couple of days later, we received another message that the photograph we had sent was not acceptable. Something about her face having shiny features. Arrgh! Give me strength!

We were invited to try again. With my David Bailey hat on, I found the room in the house where there was no possibility of shadows spoiling a picture. I used a monopod [What? You used a platypus? Oh, hang on. That’s a monotreme, isn’t it. Just ignore me. - Ed.]... ahem... to keep the camera steady so that I could take pictures without using a flash, thus avoiding the possibility of shiny features. I fashioned a backdrop using a pain white bed sheet. Surely, we couldn't get it wrong this time.

Actually, we could. Once again, several photographs were rejected before one proved acceptable to this very fussy computer.

Eventually, one of this expanding album of junk photos was deemed to be acceptable.

After sending the picture electronically as before, we kept our fingers crossed that the photo would be suitable. Luckily, it was and the new passport arrived in the post this morning. Hallelujah!

Okay, we saved some money by applying online; though not as much as we originally thought. £6.50 to post the old one! Thus, only three quids saved.  However, the whole experience caused us a heck of a lot of grief.

Do you know the worst part? The new passport is valid for ten years exactly. Thus, Mrs G has 'lost' six months that she still had left on her old passport.  Let's make a quick calculation here.  If a passport costs £75.50 for ten years, then that 'lost' six months is worth one twentieth of that.  Correct?  Correct.  So, that six months cost Mrs G exactly... erm... my maths is a bit ropey... three quids 77 and a half pees.  Thus, her total saving on this new passport was... minus 77 and a half pees.  Hang on a mo... that can't be right...

 

I thought it would be a good idea to finish with a joke. Hmm... There aren’t many passport jokes around. The only ones I know are feeble ones about you being unwell if you actually resemble your passport photo or the German entering France being asked ‘Occupation?’ and he replies... yeah, yeah, we know. Oh how we laughed.

Instead, I will give you a quote from Michael Moore, an American writer who doesn’t think much of his own race...

“Should such an ignorant people lead the world? How did it come to this in the first place? 82 percent of us don't even have a passport! Just a handful can speak a language other than English.”

Hmm...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 9th of February? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Thomas Paine 1737 (Glazier.), Hyrum Smith 1800 (Door to door salesman.), Wilhelm Maybach 1846 (Car manufacturer.), Mrs Patrick Campbell 1865 (Ectress.), Ronald Colman 1891 (Ectaw.), Brian Donlevy 1901 (Another ectaw.), Carmen Miranda 1909 (Human fruitbowl. Clip time? Here’s her signature toon.  All together now... I, yi, yi ,yi,yi...), Kathryn Grayson 1922 (Actress and chanter. Here’s another clip, Waltz Serenade.), Jim Laker 1922 (Crickety bloke.), Brendan Behan 1923 (Poet and playwright who liked the occasional sherry.), Clive Swift 1936 (Ectaw. Richard Bucket, that was him.), Barry Mann 1939 (Songwriter. He has written - and co-written - dozens of top songs for acts from Eydie Gorme to Hanson and any number in between. Cass Elliot had a few hits with songs written by him, so let’s have a link to one of her most famous singles, Make Your Own Kind of Music.  I'm surprised that fag hasn't been 'airbrushed' out of Sammy Davis's hand.  And another thing... What's the 'Now scene'?), Janet Suzman 1939 (Ectress.), Brian Bennett 1940 (Drummy bloke with the Shads. Time for a clip. Here’s The Rise and Fall of Flingel Bunt.), J. M. Coetzee 1940 (Orfer.), Carole King 1942 (Musician. Here she is singing one of her own songs, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow.), Joe Pesci 1943 (Ectaw. He played Harry Lyme... no, not that one.), Mia Farrow 1945 (Ectaw.), Bernard Gallacher 1949 (Golfy bloke.), Ciarán Hinds 1953 (Ectaw.), Jimmy Pursey 1955 (Singer. Time for another clip. Who fancies a pint?), Gordon Strachan 1957 (Footy bloke.), Sandy Lyle 1958 (Golfy bloke.), Holly Johnson 1960 (Singer. Another clip? Why not.  Who fancies a coffee?), Johan Mjällby 1971 (fotbollsspelare.), Darren Ferguson 1972 (Footy bloke.), Tom Hiddleston 1981 (Ectaw.) and Michael B. Jordan 1987 (Ectaw. Erik Killmonger. That’s him.).

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Griocatore,

Why aye, man. How many songs were written by that Barry Mann man, man? Hundreds, man. He even wrote that one that was a hit for Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt, man. I can’t remember its name though but. Can you help us out, man?

Yours as ever,

Don O’Mutch.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? Back to the usual sh... ameful performance. 84 pees back from our £2.20 stake money. What happened? Read on...

 

Coventry vs Gillingham - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 1 Gillingham 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Bright Enobakhare (Definitely a contender for Cracking Name of the Week.) put Coventry ahead after 68 minutes, but Tom Eaves' spot-kick ensured the visitors returned to Kent with a valuable point.

Gillingham squandered a great opportunity after 27 minutes when Josh Rees found Eaves free at the back post.

The striker's header was excellently saved by Lee Burge and Elliot List was unable to convert the rebound.

Enobakhare gave the hosts the lead when he broke from his own half and surged towards the Gillingham penalty area before playing in Amadou Bakayoko. His effort was saved but Enobakhare rifled in the loose ball.

Bakayoko missed a glorious opportunity to wrap up the points for Coventry in the 84th minute as he fired wide when through on goal.

Coventry paid for their profligacy (That’s a good word. I must look it up) when Burge brought down Brandon Hanlan in the box and Eaves made no mistake from 12 yards as he comfortably dispatched his penalty.

 

Peterborough vs Plymouth - Prediction Home win

Result - Peterborough 0 Plymouth 1

Boo!

An 88th-minute Ruben Lameiras goal earned Plymouth an away win. The forward curled in a superb shot from 20 yards.

Peterborough played the second half with 10 men following a red card for Lee Tomlin. Tomlin's two yellow cards both came in first-half stoppage time - the first for a late challenge on Graham Carey, before four minutes later he made contact with Plymouth's Ryan Edwards, who fell to the ground.

Tomlin had earlier played in Siriki Dembele, but the striker shot wide from a narrow angle after rounding goalkeeper Kyle Letheren.

Argyle were the better side in the second half but did not come close to scoring until Lameiras' late winner.

 

Shrewsbury vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Shrewsbury 0 Luton 3

Yay!

Shrewsbury started brightly with Greg Docherty's early 20-yard drive saved by visiting goalkeeper James Shea.

Docherty then fired just over after Shea was unable to hold on to a Fejiri Okenabirhie (Hold on. That’s another contender for Cracking Name of the Week.) effort.

Luton took the lead on the half-hour when James Collins fired in from six yards after Luke Berry headed back Alan McCormack's cross from the left.

The visitors doubled their advantage eight minutes into the second half when Matty Pearson's cross from the right found its way into the top corner.

Collins added a third in the 69th minute when he scored from close range after the hosts were unable to clear Kazenga Lua Lua's cross from the left.

 

Notts County vs Lincoln - Prediction Away win

Result - Notts County 1 Lincoln 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

John Akinde missed a late penalty for Lincoln City as they were forced to settle for a draw at Notts County.

The Magpies made a dream start after just two minutes winning a penalty with their first meaningful attack when Mitch Rose's cross teased Harry Toffolo into a challenge on Jon Stead.

Referee Antony Coggins immediately pointed to the spot and Stead made no mistake from 12 yards.

Enzio Boldewijn then forced Grant Smith into a save from 20 yards but gradually Lincoln began to make their presence felt.

Jason Shackell ghosted in to head straight at Notts goalkeeper Ryan Schofield but it was Bruno Andrade who hauled the visitors level with a 20-yard strike that Schofield could not keep out.

Notts pushed forward for a vital winner with Stead seeing a header clip the bar.

But there was late drama when Akinde was fouled in the box by debutant defender Sam Stubbs, only for the forward to roll his spot-kick past the post.

 

Alloa vs Ayr - Prediction Away win

Result - Alloa 1 Ayr 3

Yay!

Striker Michael Moffat scored twice as Ayr United beat Alloa Athletic.

Moffat scored a powerful opener, only for Alan Trouten to level.

Lawrence Shankland's penalty restored the lead for Ayr, and Moffat completed the scoring from close range.

 

Oh well. What has The Grambler come up with this week? [I can’t wait. Yawn. - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Derby vs Hull - Prediction Home win - 23/20

Sheffield Wed vs Reading - Prediction Home win - 21/20

Swansea vs Millwall - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Lincoln vs Northampton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Tranmere vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win - 5/6

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£14.52

 

Uh oh. That is a bit too whopping for my liking. Will our luck change this week? [Will it fu... I doubt it. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which premiershit goalkeeper was named footballer of the year for six consecutive years in his homeland. The answer is (perhaps obviously) Petr Čech. Factoid: in 2004-5 season he went 1025 minutes without conceding a goal, a Premier League record.

One for this week? Brazilian forward Ricarlison joined Everton from which club? Nice and easy?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr G. Strachan who celebrates his birthday this weekend. Fans of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog will recall that Mr Strachan got a mention back in October 2016 when I commented on his unusual way of dealing with questions from the press (See Week 11 - The Grambler congratulates Rod Stewart.). Well, I only gave four examples of his idea of witty replies in that edition. Let’s finish this week with a few more...

On losing: "I tried to get the disappointment out of my system by going for a walk. I ended up 17 miles from home and I had to phone my wife Lesley to come and pick me up."

Reporter: "Gordon, do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?"
Strachan: "I don't care, I'm Scottish."

On Wayne Rooney: "It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?"
Strachan: "No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah."

On illness: "Pahars has also caught every virus going except a computer virus and he is probably working on that even now."

Reporter: "There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?"
Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick. Down negative man, down!"

On Agustin Delgado: "I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado."

Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?"
Strachan: "You're spot on. You can read me like a book!"

On being attacked by a Celtic fan while an Aberdeen player: "It's always great fun getting attacked. One of the highlights of my career. The fella who beat me up got fined £100 for that but they had a whip-round in the pub and he got £200!"

On Sir Alex Ferguson: "He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too, and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season?"
Strachan: "Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure."

On the Pope: "He’s not a bad lad, to be fair. If it was ‘God bless Myra Hindley’, I might have a problem."

On the press: "People think I've got a problem with the press. Actually I have no problem with the press, but just like in football there are a handful who cause problems because they're disrespectful, they're lazy, and above all - and this is what really gets to me - they haven't worked hard to get there."

Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?"
Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said: 'No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.’"

On Alex McLeish: "We even competed for the acne cream when we were younger. Obviously, I won that one."

On society: "I’m afraid that this is me getting on my high horse now but we have yob television, yob newspapers, and funny enough whereas it was my mum and dad, school, police, church who used to set the standards, now it's tabloids and yob television who set the standards by which people live."

Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?"
Strachan: "You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there."

On how to deal with pressure: "I have discovered that when you go to Anfield or Old Trafford, it pays not to wear a coloured shirt because everyone can see the stains as the pressure mounts. I always wear a white shirt so nobody sees you sweat."

On being top of the table: "I'm going home now to get myself a Coca-Cola and a packet of crisps and I'll sit in front of the television and look at the table on Teletext all night."

Reporter: "So, Gordon, any plans for Europe this year?"
Strachan: "Aye, me and the wife quite fancy Spain in August."

On Claus Lundekvam: "When he was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue. He's always like that."

On politics: "I get the feeling a lot of politicians are there to help themselves financially, first and foremost."

Gary Lineker: "So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?"
Strachan: "If I was English I'd top myself."

On his powers of recovery: "Sometimes to go forward you've got to go to the depths of your own personal despair and claw yourself back. From that point, no matter what happens, you know you can do it."

On his managerial record: "I think what I've actually achieved as a manager does sometimes get a bit overlooked, because all people think about is the media side of things. They tend to forget I've not done so bad."

On Eric Cantona: "If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he’s called a philosopher. I’d just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there…"

On cooking: "It's embarrassing, I'm not proud of it. I can't even make myself anything to eat. I had to phone her and she said, 'I've left something to put in the microwave'. An hour later and I'm asking, "Where's the microwave?"

I’m sorry for the repetition, but (once again) let’s finish with this cracker...

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity."

 

It's Chesney Brown from Corrie

[Some mistake, surely. - Ed.]

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.