Friday 29 January 2016

Week 26 - What's the collective noun for Doctor Whos?


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Sord flush puddling sute

Richness kindle leap barren troop

Couple blessing huddle sneak

Inclusion swarm cloud coalition leap

What? Is The Grambler going all poetic on us? Explanation later, but first...

There was an item on the Scottish news this week about a school that had turned one of its classrooms into a restaurant for the day. The purpose was to let pupils see what it was like to work in the service industry. Well, I’m all for that. It is good to see schools teaching children in areas which will be of use in the future. The pupils from this particular school will have gleaned a lot from the experiment; such as what it will be like when they get a job in McDonald’s or KFC or any fast food outlet that might employ them on a zero hours contract for the minimum wage.

Okay, the cynicism is kicking in; who am I to scoff? [McDonalds! Scoff! Very good. - Ed.] I have to admit, it could actually be useful, unlike some of the things that were taught in the past. Hands up anyone who has ever actually used that calculus that was drummed into you during your school days. Anyone? No? Nor have I.

Nowadays, children are at least encouraged to think for themselves. In my day [Uh oh... Hovis time. - Ed.] teachers just stated facts and, whether they were right or wrong, you were expected to accept them. One example I can still recall was a teacher asking what part of the body had the thinnest skin. After a few schoolboy sniggers, most of the class assumed it was the eyelids. The teacher responded that this was incorrect; the correct answer was the skin in between the fingers where they meet the hand. This, according to the teacher, was an irrefutable fact. There was no discussion; no suggestion that the teacher was obviously talking rubbish. We had been given a fact and that was that.

Poetry was another thing. To a young kid, poetry is utterly boring. If there was some humour involved, it might be a little more bearable. But no, teachers didn’t think it right and proper to make learning fun. They didn’t suggest that we find something that we might enjoy. Oh no. Here is a poem. Learn it.

The headmaster at my primary school used to visit the class occasionally. Whenever we were doing ‘poetry’ I just prayed that he wouldn’t appear. Why? Did he force some unsuspecting individual to read him the poem we were all (and I mean all) learning? No, it was worse than that. He would always always always launch into, what seemed to be, the only poem he knew. He delivered the same tedious tale to us every time. He recited it so often that I can still remember the first verse...

The auld broon troot lay unner a stane,

Unner a stane, lay he,

And he thocht o’ the wind and he thocht o’ the rain,

And the troot that he used tae be.

This would go on for about five verses after which he left the classroom, possibly to find another room where he could do his recital.

Ah, you are thinking, is that why this week’s (g)ramble began with a bit of poetry? No. The words at the beginning are not a bit of meaningless poetic drivel, though they are drivel. You see, those words represent the most useless topic I was taught at school. Ever. They are collective nouns. We were taught collective nouns as if they actually mattered. To me, any group of four-legged animals is a herd. Anything with feathers? A flock. Fishy things? A shoal. Anything else? A group. That is all you need. However, some wordy geek in the past deemed it necessary to come up with hundreds of different, totally random, words to describe individual breeds within each of these groups. Whoever it was was, in my view, taking the piss. These words are MADE UP. They DON’T MATTER. Sadly, too many teachers, when I was at school, seemed to think they do. We even got tested on our knowledge of this meaningless claptrap.

Does it really matter that a group of mallards is called a sord? No it doesn’t. If it mattered at all, why are there the alternatives of flush, puddling and sute? Yep. These are all collective nouns for, not just any old duck, just the mallard. Utter tosh, all of it.

In the early 1980s there was a comedy sketch show called Not the Nine O’Clock News which made stars of Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Griff Rhys-Jones and Pamela Stephenson. It was produced by John Lloyd, who had produced Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy and went on to produce all the Blackadders, Spitting Image and QI. It featured many writers who went on to greater things - Andy Hamilton, Clive Anderson, Stephen Fry, Rory McGrath and Ruby Wax among them. Why do I mention this? Because of one sketch. One little, insignificant, sketch. It featured Rowan Alkinson dressed in a gorilla suit. The premise was that Gerald (for that was his name) had been brought from the wild by a naturalist (Mel Smith) who was attempting to ‘tame’ and teach him. As the sketch progressed the gag was that the gorilla was not only able to talk, but was quite erudite. Why do I mention this? One word and one word only - flange. Sorry pardon excuse me? When Mel Smith’s character gave the incorrect collective noun for a group of baboons, Gerald the gorilla corrected him by pointing out that it was a flange of baboons. Total nonsense, of course, but it has been adopted as fact by many writers since. Even the scientific community have adopted it in a joking way. The page I visited to find out some collective nouns gives ‘flange’ as an alternative to troop or congress.

If a throwaway word on a comedy show can become the accepted ‘norm’, it just shows the ridiculousness of collective nouns.

I would like to end with my own collective noun for collective nouns, or bollocks as I prefer to call them... A load of bollocks.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 30th of January? In a word, probably. Franklin Delano Roosevelt 1882 (‘... the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.’ He said that.  Of course, they cut the quote short because he actually went on to say...and spiders. I can't abide spiders. Especially those big ones with hairy legs.  Oh, and hairy legs.  I can't stand hairy legs.  They give me the creeps.  There's another one.  Creepy crawlies... etc. etc.), Martita Hunt 1900 (Rhyming slang), Sandy Powell 1900 (Can you hear me, mother?), Richard Hearne 1908 (Mr Pastry. Click here to find out what I thought was hilarious when I were a nipper.), Percy Thrower 1913 (Gardener.), John Profumo 1915 (He had an affair, you know [Who did the catering? - Ed.].), Dick Martin 1922 (You bet your sweet bippy.), Gene Hackman 1930 (Factoid: He can’t say nuclear; it comes out as nyukyuler), Boris Spassky 1937 (He played draughts, or something.), Vanessa Redgrave 1937 (Refused to be made a dame in the 1999 honours list. Pity, she would have made a good Widow Twankey.), Dick Cheney 1941 (Similar to a Prince Albert.), Stevie Marriott 1947 (Hello Mrs Jones, how’s your Bert’s lumbago?), Phil Collins 1951 (Model on knitting patterns - see below), Curtis Strange 1955 (Golfy bloke.), Payne Stewart 1957 (Another golfy bloke.), Christian Bale 1974 (‘An actor should never be larger than the film he’s in.’ Not a problem you need to worry about, Chris.), Dimitar Berbatov 1981 (Footbally bloke.) and Peter Crouch 1981 (Another footbally bloke.)
 
 
 
Not a great picture - Phil's the one with the hairband
[Some mistake, surely. Ed.]
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before last week’s grambling results, I would just like to say that I hope that Crystal Palace’s new signing Emmanuel Adebayour has a goal drought at his new club. Why? Because Palace fan, comedian Kevin Day has promised to swim naked across Thornton Heath pond if Adebayour scores 10 goals. He did also offer to give a hundred quid to charity, but I am hoping that no charity is that desperate for the money. Manny, please don’t score.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Again. Yay! No, once again, not yay. We only got 57 pees back from our £2.20 stake. Mince, or what? What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Fulham vs Hull - Prediction Away win

Result - Fulham 0 Hull 1

Yay!

The Tigers' top scorer Abel Hernandez got the only goal from the penalty spot after Moses Odubajo was fouled by Lasse Vigen Christensen.

 

Burton vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win

Result - Burton 1 Shrewsbury 2

Boo!

The home side were in control after full-back Damien McCrory thumped home a low first-half shot from 20 yards.

Nasser El Khayati almost added a second, but Jon McLaughlin failed to hold a corner allowing striker Andy Mangan to net Shrewsbury's equaliser.

Mason Bennett headed El Khayati's cross over before Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro set up Shaun Whalley's 93rd minute winner.

 

Crewe vs Wigan - Prediction Away win

Result - Crewe 1 Wigan 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Reece Wabara opened the scoring for the visitors in superb fashion, firing his 25-yard volley past Ben Garratt.

The Alex levelled just before the break through Brad Inman's first-time effort.

 

Walsall vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win

Result - Walsall 1 Blackpool 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar again!

Walsall took a 66th-minute lead when Anthony Taylor's cross-shot found Jason Demetriou at the far post for a tap-in.

But Uche Ikpeazu's free-kick deflected into the path of Danny Philliskirk, who poked into an empty net to level the scores in injury time.

 

Elgin vs Berwick - Prediction Home win

Result - Elgin 1 Berwick 0

Yay!

Elgin made a bright start, with Archie McPhee and Craig Gunn spurning good chances.

Gunn did score when he slammed the ball into the roof of the net then team-mate Mark Nicolson had a good shot saved.

 

Ho hum. Can The Grambler return to his/her/its recent spell of good form after the poor results of the past two weeks? We can only hope so. Let’s see what he/she/it has selected from the matches that kick off this Saturday, the 30th of January at 3pm.

Game - Result - Odds

Coventry vs Scunthorpe - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Millwall vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 2/5

Wigan vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win - 7/10

AFC Wimbledon vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Berwick vs Queens Park - Prediction Away win - 17/20

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£8.52

Aye. Well. Mmm.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you to name all 19 teams with ‘United’ in their name have played in the English League. They are (in alphabetical order) Boston United, Burton United, Cambridge United, Carlisle United, Colchester United, Hartlepool United, Hereford United, Leeds United, Maidstone United, Manchester United, Newcastle United, Oxford United, Peterborough United, Rotherham United, Scunthorpe United, Sheffield United, Southend United, Torquay United and West Ham United. Did you manage to get them all?

All righty, how about one for this week? I think a wee follow up to last week’s teaser would be quite apt. Of those 19, which was the first to use the name United?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Professor T. Fielding. Who, I hear you ask.   All will be revealed if you click here .

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday 22 January 2016

Week 25 - Snow fun for The Grambler (Do you see what I did there?)


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,

But the fire is so delightful

And, since we’ve no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Thank you Dean for those opening words. Time to wax lyrical. For the first time in a couple of years I look around me and see snow. Snow just looks beautiful, doesn’t it? I think there is something magical about trees being draped in a white winter coat. And I can also hear that wonderful sound of children laughing and giggling as they leave their houses to play in the snow, to throw snowballs, sledge or build a snowman, perchance. It is the one thing guaranteed to get them away from their i-phones, tablets and laptops. Although there is probably some weirdo, somewhere, building a virtual snowman while sitting inside when there is snow outside to be frolicked in.

I mentioned the weather a few weeks ago in Week 19 - The Grambler's guide to flood prevention which highlighted the current problem of flooding in low-lying areas. I pointed out that I live in a town which is 170 metres above sea level, so we never get any flooding other than the odd localised spot. However, that 170 metres provides another weather problem - snow. Here in my hometown of Polomint City, we are the first to get snow because, basically, we live on top of a hill. Often I will don my wellies, scarf, woolly hat, thick gloves etc. if I am venturing out into the deep snow and, after travelling a few miles in any direction, there is no sign of the white stuff and I feel a bit of a twonk dressed in my arctic snow gear.

Of course, if you have wobbly pins, as I do, snow is best avoided. Nowadays, though I still think snow transforms the land to make it look wonderful, I prefer to see it from inside a warm building, in the same way as old Dino does.

Okay, so being in snow is not really appreciated by us oldies, but it is brilliant for kids. And, believe it or not, I was once a kid. I enjoyed some fantastic snowball fights, until someone got hit square in the face and ran home crying. Usually me.

I constructed some epic snowmen too. At six years of age, I was convinced that the 3 feet high snowman I built was a towering giant. The pictures of me standing next to it proved otherwise.

By the time I reached the age of eight, snowmen were old hat. I assumed Eskimo mode and attempted to build... wait for it... an igloo. The method of doing this involved filling a large bucket with snow and building a circular wall with the ‘bricks’ of snow emptied out of it. The lowest level was easy; the second tier less so. This was because it had to tilt inwards to begin the hemispherical igloo shape. By the time I was onto the third tier, the angle was becoming a bit precarious. I very rarely got any further than that, because the walls collapsed in on themselves. Hmm... igloo building was not easy, especially if you were an eight year old with no knowledge of physics. Actually, I often ran out of snow before the collapse. That’s what you get for attempting to build such a complex structure in a small enclosed garden.

I also enjoyed sledging. I say sledging. The ‘sledge’ was a breadboard. I don’t think the breadboard’s superb aerodynamic qualities are recognised by enough people. Yes, it was only a flat piece of plywood measuring about five by two and a half feet but, to us eight year olds, breadboards were the sleekest, fastest form of transport down a hill covered in packed snow. The good thing about a breadboard was that several people could fit on it for the ride down the hill. I think the best we managed was ten; double-decked, of course. And, while there were ten on board at the start of a descent, a few had fallen off by the end of it. Great fun and you were well cocooned in several layers of warm clothing, so nobody got hurt; you just bounced.

It is one such descent I will tell you about. After an hour or so of breadboarding, some of my pals were leaving to go home for tea. Eventually, just one mate and I were left. Did I mention that a burn (stream) ran perpendicular to the hill. Now, when there was a few aboard, the breadboard always stopped well short of the burn. You know where this is going, don’t you? Have you seen the film It’s a Wonderful Life? You know the bit where the hero’s brother ends up nearly drowning because his sledge of choice (a shovel) didn’t stop in time? Luckily, brother George jumps in to save him. Any road up, my mate and I decided to really put our breadboard through its paces. Not only were we going to use it with only one aboard, but the other was going to give it one almighty shove to send it on its way. Guess who was the test pilot. Yep. Got it in one.

We hadn’t realised that the board with its much lighter load (me) would go considerably faster than had previously been the case (As I said, as an eight year old, I had yet to learn any physics at all; Newton’s laws were certainly alien to me.). Having been shoved off, I felt I was travelling several times faster than I had previously been doing. It was also apparent that the board was going to travel a lot further before it came to a halt. A sensible person would have rolled off safely before the board hit the burn. Not me. Perhaps I thought that the board would have enough momentum to actually leap the burn. That might have been possible had both banks of the stream been the same height. Unfortunately for me, the further away bank was a foot or so higher than the bank on the side we were playing. The board, with me still on it, hit the opposite bank at speed and immediately changed direction as it slipped backwards into the icy water which must have been all of six inches deep.

So, we didn’t have to call the lifeguard (or George Bailey), but I did have to walk home with my clothes wringing wet. Did that put an end to my breadboard sledging? Of course not. Clothes were changed and tea consumed in double quick time after which we headed back to the hill in the darkness to improve our technique, with some emphasis put on ‘bailing out’ at the right moment.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 23rd of January? Indeed, yes. I think I can say without fear of contraception, some. John Hancock 1737 (No, not Tony’s dad; John H was the guy who signed the Declaration of Independence with such a large scrawl, it is visible from space. His name has now become a US term for signature, so if ever anyone asks to see your John Hancock, don’t follow your instinct to punch him in the mouth.), Edouard Manet 1832 (Impressionist; his James Cagney had them rolling in the aisles.), Randolph Scott 1898 (Cue Blazing Saddles clip ), Dan Duryea 1907 (Tummy trouble, as in, ‘I’ve got a touch of Dan Duryea.’), Django Reinhardt 1910 (Guitar genius - click here to listen to a sample.  Eat your heart out Clapton.), Bob Paisley 1919 (Footy god), Rutger Hauer 1944 (Trivia: was first choice to play Robocop.), Anita Pointer 1948 (Singing brickie.) and Ewen Bremner 1972 (Spud.).

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before we move onto grambling matters, the Beeb Beeb Ceeb has dug up a bit of footage from 1985 showing a young and workshy Gary Lineker ‘helping’ at his dad’s market stall. Thought you might like to see it - click here .  If only he'd shown a bit more interest; he could have been running that stall today, but no, he wanted to be a footballer.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Again. Yay! No, not yay. We only got £1.71 back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Bristol (not Birmingham) City vs Middlesbrough - Prediction Away win

Result - Bristol (not Birmingham) City 1 Middlesbrough 0

Boo!

Kike sent an early shot wide for Boro while Dimitrios Konstantopoulos (Try saying that after a couple of sherries) saved well from City forward Wes Burns.

Jonathan Kodjia's weak shot was kept out and Luke Ayling's header tipped over by Konstantopoulos while Albert Adomah lobbed over the bar for Boro.

The game looked to be heading for a draw before Burns diverted Aden Flint's late header past the Boro keeper.

 

Hull vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Hull 6 Charlton 0

An emphatic Yay!

Abel Hernandez hit a hat-trick as Charlton took a hammering at Hull City. They went 2-0 down inside the opening 16 minutes thanks to two smart finishes from Hernandez.

Robert Snodgrass made it three with a wonderful finish before Hernandez got his hat-trick to make it 4-0.

After the break, Mo Diame fired home a classy shot and teenager Isaac Hayden's deflected effort ended the scoring.

 

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Northampton - Prediction Away win

Result - Dagenham & Redbridge 1 Northampton 2

Yay!

Christian Doidge put Dagenham in front, turning home a Josh Passley cross.

John-Joe O'Toole met a Nicky Adams corner to head in the leveller before Ricky Holmes won it with a fine volley.

 

Hartlepool vs Wycombe - Prediction Away win

Result - Hartlepool 1 Wycombe 0

Boo!

Scott Fenwick side-footed home Nathan Thomas' superb cross for the only goal.

Wycombe keeper Matt Ingram then produced an impressive stop to keep out Jordan Richards' 20-yard free-kick.

Michael Woods missed a gilt-edged chance to make it 2-0 on the hour and Pools' profligacy was nearly punished when Aaron Pierre forced goalkeeper Trevor Carson into a stunning save.

 

Plymouth vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Plymouth 3 Stevenage 2

Yay!

The hosts took an early lead when Carl McHugh headed home from a Jake Jervis corner after three minutes before Charlie Lee levelled with a shot at the far post after six minutes.

Jervis crossed for Gregg Wylde to head home and McHugh set up Craig Tanner to score from 18 yards and make it 3-1 at the break.

Lee slid in to score his second but the Pilgrims held on for the win.

Let’s see if The Grambler can get back to his/her/its winning ways this week. As usual, The Grambler has randomly selected five from the 58 games taking place this Saturday, the 23rd of January at 3pm. The selections are...

Game - Result - Odds

Fulham vs Hull - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Burton vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Crewe vs Wigan - Prediction Away win - 4/7

Walsall vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Elgin vs Berwick - Prediction Home win - 4/9

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£7.67

Hmm. Not a lot.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the last English-born manager to win the FA Cup. The answer has recently become a director of Southern League side Wimborne Town. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes it is everybody’s favourite geezer (it says here) Harry Rednapp, who led Portsmouth to cup victory in 2008.

One for this week? Here’s a fun one for you; 19 teams with ‘United’ in their name have played in the English League. Name as many as you can. Answer next week.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr G. Lineker for giving me a tenuous link to an image to end this week’s edition of thegrambler.com. As you saw from the short film from the Beeb’s archives, Gazza was never going to make it as a market stall holder. Thank goodness he could kick a ball about a bit.  Since retiring from being a baller of foot, he has carved out a career as a sports presenter plus, he has managed to remain the ‘face’ of Walkers’ Crisps. Now this week’s image may have nothing at all to do with that brand of crisps, but that doesn’t stop me from using it. Methinks crisp makers are taking themselves and their products, which (let us not kid ourselves) are nothing more than ‘snacks’, a little too seriously...

 
 



Chef's John Hancock?  Gressingham duck?  Plum sauce?  It’s only a bag of crisps for f***’s sake!

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday 15 January 2016

Week 24 - The Grambler's tribute to Bowie


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

This week’s planned (g)ramble has been put on hold because of the week’s events. This week one of music’s most influential figures has pegged it. Yes, Stewpot has popped his clogs. Who? Stewpot. That was Ed Stewart’s nickname. Okay, okay, somebody else died, as well. Before we get on to discussing the other bloke, what can I say about Ed Stewart? Umm... not a lot. He seemed to be a presenter of children’s programmes such as Crackerjack. CRACKERJACK!!! Only people of a certain age will understand that. He also presented Junior Choice on radio. All of which worries me a little. Ed Stewart was the guy who, when in his twenties or perhaps even thirties, had a girlfriend aged just 15. Something not right about that. Why was he allowed near anything to do with kids? I’m just saying.

Okay, on to the other big story. David Bowie has snuffed it. His name originally was plain old David Jones [Plane-old? That’s a funny name. - Ed.] but in his pursuit of stardom, he changed it to David Bowie - pronounced ow as in cow, or is that ow as in blow? Some Americans even pronounced it as oo as in shoe; something to do with Jim Bowie, originator of the Bowie knife, or something.

Anyway, pronunciation aside, Bowie never seemed to be satisfied with a particular look or style. He began his career wearing his hair long as was popular in the very early seventies; he did couple it with wearing dresses which was less popular. With men, anyway. He then had the hair cut short, so that he looked different to the long-haired style of the day. Then it was spiky. Then spiky with no eyebrows. Then short. Then... basically, his hairstyles were all over the place. Then there were the ‘personae’. David Jones begat David Bowie who begat Ziggy Stardust, then the Angel of Death, Hallowe’en Jack, Aladdin Sane, the Thin White Duke... I’m sure there were others.

On Monday, his death was given the sort of news coverage one might expect if the Queen herself were to die. 20 minutes of each half hour news bulletin was reserved for the news that Bowie was dead. I don’t recall such news saturation for Elvis, or John Lennon. Why was David Bowie given such adulation? I have the answer [You would have. - Ed.]. In the early seventies, Bowie was the epitome (That’s a good word, I must look it up.) of cool and students of the day picked up on that. I am generalising by stating that, I know, but he was incredibly popular among the student population at that time. University folk like to be different (generalising again) and here was somebody different for them to follow. Very different. It would have really annoyed their elders that they identified with such a ‘weirdo’. Perfect. Now, where am I going with this? Take a look at the people who are now in charge at the Beeb Beeb Ceeb and other TV companies. They are probably now in their fifties; just the age to have made them students in the seventies. The reporters on Monday were not just coveying the news of Bowie’s death, they were mourning his demise themselves. For once, they were genuinely moved by the subject of their report.

Many people feel the same way; even Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger

What was my own view of Bowie? I didn’t not like him (apologies for the double negative; that’s a no no in my book), nor did I like him. I agree he was completely different to anything that had gone before. However, in my opinion, he couldn’t sing for toffee. He had a style of ‘singing’ that was definitely not tuneful. Here’s something to consider though - If there had been no Bowie, would Gary Numan have made it? Simple Minds? U2? Suede? Do you get my drift? He paved the way for non-singers to have a go. More’s the pity.

Now then, I think we should have a link to a Bowie toon, don’t you? This being thegrambler.com, you are perhaps expecting me to give you the Laughing Gnome, a tune from the ‘I’m not sure how to go about being a famous singer so I’ll just do my best impression of Anthony Newley’ phase of his career and one which he tried his hardest to distance himself from. I think it would be wrong to dredge up such an embarrassing moment from his career. Totally wrong. Why would I do such a thing? Incidentally, in the late eighties or early nineties, Bowie went on a ‘greatest hits’ tour and asked his fans to nominate and vote for their favourite tracks which he would then build his show around. Annie Nightingale, a DJ of the time, encouraged everyone who listened to her show to vote for the Laughing Gnome arguing that, if Bowie was true to his word, he would have to sing it. He wasn’t and he didn’t. Laughing Gnome excepted, most of Bowie’s output was pretty dirge-like, depressing stuff. Space Oddity was not the cheeriest, nor was Ashes to Ashes. I have a ‘best of’ album of his stuff, but, frankly, it never gets played. And it doesn’t even have Laughing Gnome on it; that was a big hit, surely (Don’t call me Shirley.). However, there is one song of his, just one, which I play over and over and enjoy every time. It isn’t on his ‘best of’ and it never made the charts; I’m not even sure it was released as a single. It is from his Black Tie White Noise album. Ladeez and Genullum, I give you the rather upbeat Lucy Can't Dance .

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 16th of January? Definitely. I would even go as far as to say, some. Andre Michelin 1853 (Trivia: John Dunlop may have patented the inflatable tyre (1888), but it was Michelin who patented the detachable wheel (1891). Seems so obvious now.), Fulgencio Batista 1901 (Cuban b******.), Eric Liddell 1902 (Athleticky bloke who wouldn’t run on a Sunday.), Ethel Merman 1908 (Loud woman.), A.J. Hoyt 1935 (Car racey bloke.), Jim Stafford 1944 (My girl, Bill.), Harvey Proctor 1947 (Ex MP who resigned after being charged with gross indecency. He then started a business making shirts and became - cue homophobic joke - a shirt-making shirt-lifter. I do apologise for that. Uncalled for.), Cliff Thorburn 1948 (Snookery bloke.), John Carpenter 1948 (Joiner specialising in bathrooms.), Martin Jol 1956 (Footbally bloke. Famously, fell out with Bobby Zamora.), Sade (Helen Folasade Adu) 1959 (‘I’m not shy or reclusive. I just spend my time with people rather than journalists.’ Wise words, pity others don’t follow that principle.), James May 1963 (Jeremiah Klaxon sidekick.), Kate Moss 1974 (Clothes horse.), Bobby Zamora 1981 (Footbally bloke. See above. Probably something to do with who had the best birthday cake.) and Nicklas Bendtner 1988 (Footbally bloke.)

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before we move onto grambling matters, do you recall last week I mentioned some rag in the U S of A calling Wills and Kate the romance of the century? Well, there is another couple who might well fit the bill. I wish to draw your attention to the following engagement announcement...

 
Rupert is 84, Jerry is 59. I am reminded of Caroline Aherne’s Mrs Merton comment (slightly altered)... ‘So Jerry, what first attracted you to billionaire Rupert Murdoch?’

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Again. Yay! Yup, £3.36 back from our £2.20 stake. £1.16 profit. Woo hoo! What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Rochdale vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Rochdale 2 Chesterfield 3

Boo!

Jay O'Shea's placed shot put the visitors ahead, but Ian Henderson levelled with a diving header.

Lee Novak restored the Spireites' lead from Dan Gardner's pass and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake then fired in the third.

Rhys Bennett nodded in to give Dale hope after Gboli Ariyibi (Definitely cracking name of the week.) was sent off for a second act of simulation [Sorry pardon excuse me? - Ed.], but the hosts were unable to find an equaliser.

 

Accrington Stanley vs Notts County - Prediction Home win

Result - Match postponed

 

Mansfield vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Mansfield 2 Stevenage 1

Yay!

The Stags led when Chris Clements curled in a free-kick after Stevenage's Michael Tonge had earlier hit the post.

James Baxendale doubled the lead on his debut by firing in from 20 yards.

Armand Gnanduillet netted a consolation for Stevenage with the last kick of the game, tapping in from eight yards for his sixth goal of the season.

 

East Fife vs Berwick - Prediction Home win

Result - East Fife 1 Berwick 0

Yay!

The home side almost took the lead in the 18th minute when Jason Kerr's long-range hit the post.

They did go in front just two minutes after the break when Kyle Wilkie's cross was headed into the back of the net by Nathan Austin.

The visitors had chances to level things up in the second half, but they were unable to find an equaliser.

 

Montrose vs East Stirling - Prediction Home win

Result - Montrose 3 East Stirling 2

Yay!

Goals from Kris Faulds and Thomas Orr looked to have set East Stirling on course for victory.

However Graham Webster and Greg Pascazio hit back to pull Montrose level.

Aaron Comrie completed the comeback with just over five minutes to go with a powerful strike into the roof of the net to seal the win.

 

So, after a shaky start, The Grambler’s predictions paid off. Three out of four ain’t bad [Wasn’t that a Meatloaf song? - Ed.]. Ahem. What has he/she/it come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Birmingham City vs Middlesbrough - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Hull vs Charlton - Prediction Home win - 1/3

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Northampton - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Hartlepool vs Wycombe - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Plymouth vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£10.34

1034? What happened that year? King Malcolm II of Scotland died in battle at Glamis. Duncan, son of his second daughter, succeeded him. Not surprisingly, Macbeth, son of Malcolm’s eldest daughter, was a bit miffed. The rest, as they say, is history. Or perhaps not. The Duncan in Shakespook’s play was an old geezer, whereas the real King Duncan was a young man who was often advised by his older cousin, Macbeth. Strange that Macbeth didn’t advise him not to fight against Moray in 1040. Duncan was killed in action against the men of Moray, led by... guess who... Macbeth.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked a question relating to football rules. I asked what can a sub not do when he is brought on when play is at a standstill and why. He is not allowed to take a throw-in or a corner if either of those were the reason for the stoppage. Why not? Because he is off the pitch so has not, technically, entered the field of play. Of course. S’obvious now.

What about one for this week? An FA Cup question for you. Who was the last English-born manager to win the FA Cup?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am at a complete loss as to how I could end this week’s edition of thegrambler.com. If only there was a novelty song associated with someone connected to this week’s article.... Wait a minute... No, I couldn’t. Not that. No, it isn’t in keeping at such a time of grief. Sod it. Ladeez and genullum, I give you the amusing (it says here) The Laughing Gnome .
 
A gnome, laughing
 

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday 8 January 2016

Week 23 - The Grambler gets shirty (I said shirty)


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Do you buy clothes? I'm assuming you do. It would be very unlikely that you would be reading this on your computer/laptop/tablet/phone/any other smarty boots computery type thing if you came from a society where clothes were optional. So we've established that you do indeed buy clothes. Here's one for the gentlemen ­ what the hell are shirt manufacturers playing at? Sorry pardon excuse me? My gripe this week is shirt manufacturers. Why? Well, it's nothing to do with the product per se (Don't call me Percy.). It is to do with the packaging.

If you buy nearly any item of clothing, it is either hanging on a rack or is wrapped in such a way that it can be opened easily should you wish to try it on. Correct? Even shirts of the casual variety are on hangers. However, somewhere there is a line which differentiates casual from formal. From hanging unwrapped on hangers (casual) they change into something that suddenly has to be wrapped in cellophane with various bits of card and plastic to ensure that the collar remains stiff as well as clips and pins to bind the whole thing into a rectangular package that cannot be opened (formal). Why? Why do manufacturers deem it necessary to truss shirts up in this way? I can't think of any other item of attire that is packed in a similar manner.

Obviously, something has sparked my ire. It has indeed. I have just bought a formal shirt that came in a box. Once I opened the box, I discovered it was also wrapped in a sealed plastic bag. Having removed it from its box and the plastic bag, I then note that the shirt has a thin material band bearing the manufacturer’s name around it. What is that for? The maker’s name is on the fn box! You don’t need telling again! Next we come to actually removing any card/plastic and clips/pins from the folded up garment. First I removed the stiffeners from around the collar. How many? Four. A piece of card inside the collar, a piece of card underneath the collar and a piece of plastic around the button. Granted, they all served a purpose, but the fourth one had me beaten. I just couldn't work out is purpose. It was a small piece of card in much the same position as the plastic. So why was it there? Answers on a postcard please.

Next I came to the problem of removing any clips and pins. First of all, the plastic clips. There were five of them. Two held the back of the shirt in position, two held it at the shoulders to yet more card, and one held a cuff in a rather camp position at the front of the shirt. Next pins. Seven. Seven pins, for goodness sake. These were dotted all over the place. I reckon they were strategically placed so that I might not know they were there and end up stabbing myself when I put the thing on. I suppose if your job is wrapping up shirts in this way, it would get pretty boring so why not brighten it up a bit by hiding a few pins so that the buyer of the garment might cause himself an injury? Such thoughts might make the tedium of the job somehow worthwhile.

Any road up, by the time I have unwrapped this item of clothing I am a little bit annoyed. Why? Well, it takes ages to unwrap a shirt packed on this way. That isn't why I'm annoyed though. No, I am annoyed because I am thinking how long it must have taken the wrapper (that is my name for the person who wraps the shirt, not the material around the garment. Nor, incidentally, a person who talks along to music when he should be singing.) ages to do the wrapping. Why bother in the first place? It simply isn't necessary. But I am also thinking cash here. What proportion of the cost of the shirt is due solely to having it bound up in this manner? I imagine that folding the thing up so perfectly and inserting all the pins/plastic/card takes longer than unwrapping it. Agree? Granted, the person doing the job is probably so adept at doing it that it only takes a few minutes. But then, actually making the garment is also pretty quick. And as the garment is probably made by some 8 year old whose pay equates to a few pennies a month, the cost is probably next to nothing.

So come on Mr Real brook, instead of having some poor sod spend ages putting pins and stiffeners into your shirts and another poor sod having to spend ages removing them, just don't bother with wrapping them up in the first place. That way you might be able to bring the price down to a level which isn't so exorbitant! Or, heaven forbid, pay your workers a bit more than a bowl of rice a day.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 9th of January? But of course. Quite a number, some of whom I have heard of. Gracie Fields 1898 (Trivia: Gracie was the world’s highest paid film star in 1937.), Simone de Beauvoir 1908 (All oppression creates a state of war.), Richard Nixon 1913 (Yes, him. The ‘There will be no whitewash in the White House’ guy.), Gypsy Rose Lee 1914 (Trivia: Although known as a ‘stripper’, she never actually removed her clothes.), Chan Canasta 1920 (A remarkable man.), Clive Dunn 1920 (They don’t like it up ‘em.), Lee Van Cleef 1925 (Quote: ‘Being born with a pair of beady eyes was the best thing that happened to me.’), Judith Krantz 1928 (‘Some questions are not meant to be asked as long as the answers are right’ You what?), Wilbur Smith 1933 (‘Literature throws us many great heroes. Real life invariably outdoes them.’), Susannah York 1939 (Cigar munching actress.), Joan Baez 1941 (‘Hypothetical questions get hypothetical answers.’ Wise words there Joanie.), Freddie Starr 1943 (Hamster muncher. [Steady on. - Ed.], Scott Engel aka Scott Walker 1943 (A Walker Brother.), Jimmy Page 1944 (Axe wielding god. Has played with... deep breath... Led Zeppelin, the Yardbirds, the Honeydrippers, the Firm, Page and Plant, Stephen Stills, Eric Clapton, Coverdale and Page, XYZ, the Edge, Jack White, Herman’s Hermits, the Kinks, Joe Cocker, Donovan, Screaming Lord Sutch and the Savages, old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all, old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all), David Johansen 1950 (A New York Doll.), Crystal Gayle 1951 (Singer with unusual eyes that can change colour.), Imelda Staunton 1956 (Married to Mr Carson; don’t tell Mrs Hughes.), Dave Matthews 1967 (Peter Gabriel wannabe.), Sarah Beeny 1972 (Inventor of knitted hat.), Sergio Garcia 1980 (Golfy bloke.) and Her Royal Highness Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge 1982 (Or Kate Middleton. The U S of Americans get a wee bit carried away with their news of Kate. Sample headline: ‘LOVE STORY OF THE CENTURY - WILLIAM GIVES UP THRONE... TO SAVE PREGNANT KATE’ What? Firstly, why is it the love story of the century? What about Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson? - Only joking, 1D’s lawyers will be pleased to know. William giving up throne? Who said that? No one. To save pregnant Kate? Excuse me? Both her pregnancies have been totally trouble-free; where do they get their information?)

We’ve not had a gramblerised toon for a while; anyone in amongst that lot with a song that might fit the bill?

Grambler, Grambler you're lovely
That's what we all think of you
Grambler, Grambler you're lovely
That's what we all think of you
Grambler Grambler

Ah... the old number one from Clive Dunn: Grandad. I was always surprised it reached number one; I’d have said it was more a number two.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before we move onto grambling matters there is a story in the news this week which is just ridiculous. I will give you the Beeb Beeb Ceeb website story verbatum (That’s a good word; I must look it up.) just to prove that I am not making this up (For proof visit http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-35259828)

Monkey selfie: Photographer 'relieved' over court ruling

A Monmouthshire wildlife photographer involved in a copyright row over a monkey selfie was "relieved" after a court ruled in his favour.

Animal rights activists argued all proceeds from the picture, taken in 2011, should benefit the monkey

But a court in San Francisco disagreed, ruling copyright protection cannot be applied to animals.

Snapper David Slater, of Mathern, said he believed he was "the first person in history to be sued by an animal".

The case was brought by the campaign group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) which claimed Naruto, a crested macaque from Indonesia, should be the author and owner.

Yet Mr Slater, 50, said the monkey in his photograph was a female called Ella.

'Long saga'

The monkey took the photograph after Mr Slater set up the camera and purposefully left it alone so it would approach and play with it.

He described the case as a "long saga" which he was "relieved to get out of the way".

"They [PETA] are more about money and publicity than animals. They have wasted people's donations on pursuing this case," he said.

"At least it's got people thinking about the monkey, its situation, animal rights and how intelligent these animals are."

A spokeswoman from PETA said despite the "setback", the case was "a vital step toward fundamental rights for non-human animals for their own sake".
 
 

Proof, if proof were needed, that the world has officially gone mad.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Again. Yay! Yup, £2.69 back from our £2.20 stake. 49 pees profit. Better than a slap in the face with a wet stick [Poke in the eye with a sharp fish, surely? - Ed.]. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Arsenal vs Newcastle - Prediction Home win

Result - Arsenal 1 Newcastle 0

Yay!

The unconvincing Gunners looked set for a point on a soggy Emirates Stadium pitch until defender Laurent Koscielny came to the rescue with a close-range poked winner in the 72nd minute.

 

Manchester United vs Swansea - Prediction Home win

Result - Man United 2 Swansea 1

Yay!

Anthony Martial had headed United in front, before Gylfi Sigurdsson's glancing effort set nerves on edge at Old Trafford. Wayne Rooney flicked home a Martial cross with 13 minutes to go for the winner in a close contest.

 

Crewe vs Coventry - Prediction Away win

Result - Crewe 0 Coventry 5

And thrice Yay!

Adam Armstrong claimed a first-half hat-trick and fellow Premier League loan striker Jacob Murphy scored twice as Coventry City demolished Crewe.

Despite boss Tony Mowbray's one-game touchline ban, City were 4-0 up by the break, set on their way when Armstrong cashed in on a Ben Nugent mistake.

Murphy then fired left-footed into the corner before Armstrong's penalty when Marcus Haber fouled Romain Vincelot.

Armstrong completed his treble on 45 minutes before Murphy rounded it off.

 

Portsmouth vs Crawley - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 3 Crawley 0

One more time... Yay!

Matt Clarke opened the scoring with a near-post header from Ben Davies' corner.

Marc McNulty doubled Pompey's advantage when he powerfully rifled in Enda Stevens' low cross.

Gwion Edwards struck the bar from a free-kick for the Red Devils, but Gary Roberts added a third on the counter to put the result beyond any doubt.

 

Kilmarnock vs Hearts - Prediction Away win

Result - Kilmarnock 2 Hearts 2

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

The hosts' composed start was rewarded when Conrad Balatoni scrambled in, but Gavin Reilly tapped in to equalise almost immediately.

After the break, Hearts took the lead through a Callum Paterson volley.

But Josh Magennis headed in his ninth goal of the season to ensure Kilmarnock started 2016 in positive fashion.

Shame about that; The Grambler very nearly got 2016 off to the perfect start. No matter; what about this week, Saturday the 9th of January? Houston, we have a problem. It is cup weekend in both Scotland and England. And? And it means that there are only eleven league matches taking place at 3pm on the day. Well, rules are rules. If there are league games on, then The Grambler must make his/her/its prediction from those. So what has he/she/it randomly selected?

 

Game - Result - Odds

Rochdale vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Accrington Stanley vs Notts County - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Mansfield vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win - 19/20

East Fife vs Berwick - Prediction Home win - Evens

Montrose vs East Stirling - Prediction Home win - 4/5

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£12.43

1243? What happened that year? Apparently, the 89th Emperor of Japan was born. Go-Fukakusa was his name. Hmm... wonder what a ‘kusa’ is?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked which club drew the most Premiershit matches (15 from 38 played) in the calendar year January to December 2015. The answer was West ham.

What about one for this week? Let’s have one about the rules of play, shall we? A couple of questions for this week’s teaser. If play is at a standstill when a substitute is brought on, what two things is he not allowed to do? What is the reason for this rule? Hmm... very interesting.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Ms G. Fields, one of this week’s birthday celebrants, who provides us with an amusing monologuy type thing from over 75 years back. Our Gracie, as she was known, was well past her prime when I was first made aware of her. To me, she was just an old lady who was occasionally wheeled out on anniversary programmes relating to the war years to sing a song called ‘Sally’. Even as a nipper, I couldn’t work out why she was singing a man’s song. That’s neither here nor there. I recall a moment from That was the Week that was (Yes I am that old) when David Frost actually did a pretty good (and, I thought, hilarious) impression of her [David Frost? Hilarious? Must be some mistake. - Ed.]. She had sung a song called ‘Now is the Hour’ based on an Australian tune called Swiss Cradle Song. The words begin...

Now is the hour
For me to say goodbye
Soon I'll be sailing
Far across the sea
While I'm away
Oh please remember me
When I return
I'll find you waiting here

[You’re rambling. Where is this heading? - Ed.] Yes, Gracie was famous for ‘retiring’ only to come out of retirement at a later date. Frost’s impression of her was pretty accurate as he followed the Gracie method of shouting out each line for the audience to sing the song for her - a bit like Robbie Williams holding his mike towards the audience when he does Angels. Frosty’s version went thus...

FROST (shouting) :                  Now is the hour...

AUDIENCE (singing) :         Now is the hour...

FROST (shouting) :                  For me to say goodbye...

AUDIENCE (singing) :         For me to say goodbye...

FROST (shouting) :                  But I keep coming back...

Perhaps you had to be there.

Any road up, since that time, I have learned more about old Gracie and can understand why she was so highly thought of when she was younger. This week’s link is called 'I never cried so much in all my life'. It’s a bit creaky, but quite risque for prewar Britain. I hope you like it.

 
Happy Grambling.