Friday, 31 August 2018

Week 5 - The Grambler on Alex Salmond


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

You may have seen the news that former First Minister, Alex Salmond, has quit the Scottish National Party after being accused of wrongdoing - sexual harassment, no less. Quite what that entails I don't know. The word harassment could cover any multitude of wrongdoings from molestation to being a bit of an annoying nuisance.

Whatever it is, I'm sure old Alex will talk his way out of it.

So what is this week's (g)ramble? Is it going to be a grambler type rant about men's attitudes towards women? No, not this time. Instead I am annoyed by one word and one word only: harassment. Why so, I hear you ask. Is it because I dislike the use of the word, or, indeed, dislike the word itself? It is neither of these. Instead, my gripe is with the pronunciation of the word. Sorry pardon excuse me?

Let me explain. Way back in the mists of time - the seventies to be precise - there was popular sitcom called Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. It starred Michael Crawford as the character of Frank Spencer. Although a lot of people found his escapades, where basically everything he was involved in went horribly wrong, hilarious, I, in typical grambleresque fashion, thought the situations this bumbling simpleton found himself in to be cringe-inducingly sad. I really felt sorry for the character; so rather than laugh along I wanted to see an end to the poor guy's endless ineptitude and suffering. It didn't help that I felt the script to be particularly badly written, but I was probably in a minority of one; it was one of the most popular programmes of the time.

It was so popular, in fact, that you just had to say 'Ooh Betty' in the same silly whiny way that Crawford did and everyone recognised that you were doing a rather ropey impression of the Frank Spencer character. It was an expression he constantly came out with and was a kind of catchphrase, if you like. To me, it was also a lazy script writing device to incite a laugh, but, minority of one remember.

Where is all this fol-de-rol and tarradiddle leading to, I hear you ask. Well, another expression that was constantly spoken by the character was, 'I get a lot of harassment.'

Written down, it doesn't look particularly funny... actually, it didn't seem very funny when he said it; not to me, anyway. Minority of one, again. The rest of the viewing population would no doubt be rolling about the floor because he had said something so utterly witty. Of course, the joke...joke, ha!... was that Frank Spencer always said the word harassment wrongly, putting the emphasis in the wrong place. Thus he said harassment instead of the correct pronunciation harassment. How pants wettingly funny is that!

Except most people didn't get it. Let's face it, who uses the word harassment in everyday conversation? I'll wager that many of the viewers had never even heard the word before so probably weren't even aware of the wrong pronunciation part of the joke.

Now, let us return to Mr Salmond. [I wondered when that might happen. - Ed.] The news of his alleged misbehaviour was the big news story of the day, so it got covered by at least three reporters. Sadly, two of those didn't realise the correct way to pronounce harassment either. Then, because it was a big story featuring a senior Scottish politician, it was the big story on the Scottish news programme which immediately follows the UK-wide news programme. So, naturally, lots of people were involved in reporting the item. Not one of those discussing the matter could pronounce the word harassment correctly. How sad is that?

Thank goodness for Brian 'Weebles wobble but won't fall down' Taylor, Beeb Beeb Ceeb Scotland's heavyweight (in every sense of the word) political correspondent. On he came and he seemed to take great delight in pronouncing the word correctly, as if to say, that will teach you to base your English education on the ramblings of a character in a poorly written seventies sitcom. I hope they were all suitably embarrassed.

So there you have it, that's how to pronounce the word harassment. After me... harassment. Hope that didn't cause too much controversy... Now is that controversy or controversy?
 
Ooh Nicola! I get a
lot of harassment.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 1st of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Johann Pachelbel 1653 (Composer. A clip? Of course. Here is, perhaps, his most famous composition.), Engelbert Humperdinck 1854 (playwright and composer. Another clip? You may recognise this, the Hansel and Gretel, Overture.), James J. Corbett 1866 (Boxy bloke. Known as Gentleman Jim Corbett.), Edgar Rice Burroughs 1875 (Orfer. Wrote the Tarzan stories. Him.), Violet Carson 1898 (Ectress. Was over 60 when she began playing her most remembered role: Ena Sharples.), Yvonne De Carlo 1922 (Ectress. Lily Munster, that was her.), Rocky Marciano 1923 (Boxy bloke.), Art Pepper 1925 (Saxophonist. Here’s another clip. Let’s have some jehhhzzz. Here's Autumn Leaves.), Cecil Parkinson 1931 (Politician who got on a little too well with his secretary.), Lecil Martin aka Boxcar Willie 1931 (Unfortunate injury... He was actually a train-obsessed curntry n wyasturn sanger. Here’s the Wabash Cannonball... Woo woo!), Conway Twitty 1933 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s his biggest hit, It's Only Make Believe.), Lily Tomlin 1939 (Ectress and comedian, it says here.), Archie Bell 1944 (Singer famous for his Drells. A clip? Why soitenly. This should appeal to anyone who remembers the days of the Wigan Casino.), Leonard Slatkin 1944 (Conductor and composer. Here he is conducting Copland’s wonderful Appalachian Spring. It’s worth watching just for the mobile eyebrows.), Barry Gibb 1946 (Singer/songwriter. Last of the Bee Gees. Here’s another clip. All together now... Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk...), David Bairstow 1951 (Crickety and footy bloke.), Manuel Piñero 1952 (Golfy bloke.), Bruce Foxton 1955 (Musician. A third of the Jam... that’s about 5 ounces, assuming that the jam in question came in a 1lb jar. Of course, some jars, these days, are barely 12 ounces, which is a rip off if you ask me. You can bet they still cost as much though... Erm... where was I? Oh yes, the Jam. Let’s have a clip. Here is Bruce et al with their first number one where they seem to think they are wombles.), Gloria Estefan 1957 (Singer. A clip? Here is her first big ‘solo’ hit Don't Wanna Lose You.  Why did I put solo in apostrophes? Well, up until that point in her career she already had several hits under her belt as part of Miami Sound Machine, then as Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine; this was the first time her name only had been on a disc. And? And her backing band was, and still is, Miami Sound Machine. No, I don’t understand it either.), Tony Cascarino 1962 (Footy bloke.), Ruud Gullit 1962 (Een andere voetballer.), Craig McLachlan 1964 (Actor and singer. Kylie’s big brother. Want another cleep? Here’s hees beeg heet, Mona.. A complete rip off of Not Fade Away, if you ask me. [No one has. - Ed.]), Steve Pemberton 1967 (Actor, writer and comedian. Hokey cokey pig in a pokey.), Henning Berg 1969 (Fotballspiller.) and Daniel Sturridge 1989 (Footy bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grambleu,

So nice to hear a song from the dear old Bee Gees, isn’t it. What a wonderful vocal ensemble they were, bach. They had number one records in three consecutive decades, you know. Absolutely marvellous they were, boyo. I have a little teaser for you and wonder if you might know the answer. It is this - What was the Bee Gees final number one record?

Yours with oodles of love,

Hugh Wynn-Agenn.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Almost made a profit. Almost. 12 pees short. That’s all. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Swansea vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win

Result - Swansea 0 Bristol 1

Boo!

Andreas Weimann put the away side ahead after just 31 seconds, and they would have led by more were it not for Swans keeper Erwin Mulder.

He remained busy after the break as his lacklustre side searched in vain for an equaliser.

Swansea's Mike van der Hoorn had a late header cleared off the line, but the visitors were worthy winners.

 

Luton vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win

Result - Luton 3 Shrewsbury 2

Yay!

The visitors were in front after 23 minutes when Shaun Whalley was brought down in the area by Jack Stacey, getting up to convert the penalty.

Luton drew level six minutes into the second half, Jorge Grant curling home a wonderful 20-yard free kick into the top corner.

Elliot Lee sliced over the bar, but the visitors restored their lead with a highly-controversial goal after 66 minutes.

Home keeper James Shea, clearly thinking Lee Angol had been adjudged offside, put the ball down for a non-existent free-kick and the Shrews striker tapped into the empty net.

However, Town fought back impressively, Stacey arrowing in a close-range shot on 73 minutes, with Luton ahead for the first time four minutes later, Lee's 22-yard free kick deflecting off the wall and past Joel Coleman.

Luton could have had breathing space but James Collins' penalty was well saved by Coleman as Shea redeemed himself late on, instinctively denying Angol.

 

Carlisle vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Carlisle 1 Crewe 0

Yay!

Carlisle posed an early threat through Hallam Hope who, following a slick passing move, fired just over from 20 yards.

However Crewe looked resolute at the back after their mid-week hiding and Callum Ainley's 22nd minute corner, from the left, presented Perry Ng with a free header 10 yards from goal. However the full-back skewed his effort wide of the right hand post.

When Jordan Bowery got free on the left, Carlisle goalkeeper Joe Fryer stuck out a leg to prevent the Alex forward from scoring and it was Crewe who finished the first period looking the more likely to break the deadlock.

A sickening collision early in the second halt resulted in a lengthy hold up before Fryer and Crewe skipper Paul Green were both stretchered off with leg injuries.

Substitute goalkeeper Adam Collin was straight in the action making a fine double save from Ryan Wintle's shot and Bowery's follow up header.

Carlisle grabbed a 69th minute lead when Ashley Nadesan seized on a Richie Bennett header to hold off Michael Raynes's challenge and slip the ball past Ben Garratt.

Raynes just missed with a header and Carlisle held out under late pressure after eight minutes of added time.

 

Colchester vs Northampton - Prediction Home win

Result - Colchester 1 Northampton 2

Boo!

The Cobblers almost scored after 26 seconds through Kevin Van Veen, who blasted over from Junior Morais's pass.

Jack Bridge fired straight at Colchester goalkeeper Dillon Barnes while Matt Crooks, Sam Hoskins and Sam Foley also went close as the Cobblers pressed.

Northampton went ahead less than three minutes after half-time through Crooks, who advanced towards goal before firing home a low 25-yard shot.

Barnes then denied Crooks, but Colchester midfielder Harry Pell's header was saved by keeper David Cornell and substitute Luke Norris's header hit the bar.

Tom Eastman cleared Van Veen's effort off the line before Billy Waters doubled Northampton's lead in the first minute of stoppage-time when he flicked home from close range, after fellow substitute Andy Williams had helped on Sam Hoskins' pass.

Colchester pulled a goal back in the fifth minute of stoppage time through Aaron Pierre's own goal after Cornell had denied Sammie Szmodics, but Northampton claimed victory.

 

Lincoln vs Notts County - Prediction Home win

Result - Lincoln 3 Notts County 1

Yay!

Lee Frecklington struck for the Imps on seven minutes with a stunning first-time volley from 20 yards.

Out of the blue, the Magpies conjured up an equaliser - Enzio Boldewijn earned a free-kick just outside the box and, from a position more suited to a cross, Andy Kellett's set-piece crept into the far corner of the net.

The Imps regained the lead before the break with another impressive strike as goalkeeper Ross Fitzsimons flapped at the ball under pressure from John Akinde and Bruno Andrade volleyed home.

Lincoln added a third 10 minutes into the second half - Michael O'Connor was fouled in the build-up but still managed to shift the ball wide to Andrade, whose cross was turned home by Harry Anderson.

Reports supplied by Press Association.

 

So what has the wise and wonderful Grambler randomly predicted for us this week. All games take place on Saturday the 1st of September and kick off at 3pm.

Game - Result - Odds

Brentford vs Nottingham F. - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Fleetwood vs Bradford - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Portsmouth vs Plymouth - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Bury vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Aberdeen vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Home win - 10/11

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.26

 

Not bad. Moderately whopping, I would say.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club has won the Football League title but has never played in the Premier League. The answer was, of course, Preston North End who last won the league title in 1889-90. As they were last in the top flight of English football way back in 1960-61, they have definitely never been in the Premiershit.

One for this week? Sticking with the Premiershit, how many of the current Premier League clubs have birds on their crests? There’s one to start a pub discussion with.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, it is a sad week here in Grambler Towers as we mark the fifth anniversary of the founder of this wonderful blog. Stewart David Smith’s suffering ended on the 29th of August 2013 after a horrendous two years of fighting the effects of bowel cancer and along the way defeating septicemia and having to deal with multi-organ failure, antibiotic-induced hearing loss, kidney failure and countless other complications. This he did with a bravery none of us will ever see again. He hated being called brave, though. In his mind, he had no option but to accept all that was thrown at him and he did so without complaint or criticism.

Please, this week of all weeks, take the time to click on some of the serious links that you maybe skip through, normally. Consider what Stewart went through and be aware of how to detect bowel cancer early.

I know I have suggested that you read a particular edition of this blog before, but I am going to do it again. To me it is perhaps the most poignant piece of writing I have ever seen. It was written by Stewart just a day after he was told that he was going to die. So, ladies and gentlemen, please read  Week 22: C'est le Grambler finalment!

Let’s finish with a song that Stewart loved - Eels and Last Stop: This Town .
 

You're dead but the world keeps spinning
Take a spin through the world you left
It's getting dark a little too early
Are you missing the dearly bereft?

 

 That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday, 24 August 2018

Week 4 - Happy grambleday to Tim Burton


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

It’s ages since we started with a song. Let’s put that right. Who remembers Ray Stevens huge hit of 1970? Anyone? You at the back? No, not Bridget the Midget. Anyone else? No, not The Streak. It was that lovely song (it says here) Everything is Beautiful which was a worldwide number one back in that year. What a wonderful song to start us off. First the intro sung by a bunch of cute kids...

Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world

Then it’s Ray’s turn...

Everything is beautiful,

In its own way...

Well, that’s an lot of blibbing rubbish, for a start off. Beautiful? Everything? I think he’s on something that Raised Eagles. Ooh they were all on funny stuff back in them days... Ell arse dee, cannibal’s raisins, purple tarts.

There are an few things I can think of that deferably aren’t beautiful. Elephants. Blibbing weird looking things they are with them big things dangling down... Trunks! Them. Arnd their tusks. How can that be considered beautiful? Baby elephants; they’re an bit cute, I suspose.

Babies! How ugly are they when they’re at home? They all look like Sir Winifred Churchman to me. Except in an narppy, of course. I have no idea if Sir Wilfred Burchill wore narppies or not. He might harve done. He might harve been an bit funny that way. He wore baby grows, so why not narppies? Arnd harve you ever looked at the contents of an narppy. I have. Not beautiful in the least, I can tell you that for nothing. Horrible brown stuff.

Slugs! They’re horrible and brown... erm... when they’re not black. Arnd they eat my carbages. Ooh, I hate slimy creepy crawly things, I do.

Piers Morgan! Etc. etc. ad infinitum...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Ah, welcome back our old friend Arthur. Talking of old friends...

There's something very odd happening. An awful lot of reasonably fit people seem to be using crutches these days. Am I the only one that has noticed it?

Readers who have stuck with the world's greatest ill-informed blog for a long time will perhaps recall a character called Dougie (the local inebriate). He was based on a real person. No, that's wrong; he is a real person. He has been dotting about polomint city for as long as I can remember. He is invariably drunk. No that's wrong again; he is always drunk.

Over the years his face has acquired more and more scars and his nose has had more breaks than Ronnie O'Sullivan. All have come as a result of falls thanks to him being out of his skull most of the time.

Of late, he has joined the crutch carrying brigade. I am not quite sure when the crutch comes into play, but I have yet to see it actually touch the ground. Indeed, I watched him one day as he staggered homeward with an equally sloshed friend. He was attempting to tell the friend about some experience and the crutch was being used as you would use your finger to emphasise certain points. Anyone trying to pass this drunken pair was likely to get smacked in the face by this whirling dervish.

It all begs the question why. Why do people want to be seen as disabled? I can only assume that it is worth a few quid extra in benefits payments which, in Dougie's case would no doubt afford him an extra bottle of buckie or two.

I looked up the word crutch and one of the synonyms is prop. Fair enough, until you remember that a prop is also a theatrical term to describe a fake item of equipment or scenery to help in acting something out.

Quite apt really.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 25th of August? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. George Stubbs (Painter. Not sure if he did wall-papering as well.), Allan Pinkerton 1819 (The original detective and spy. He used to dress as a farmer as if he was looking after sheep... He was a shepherd spy. Oh, please yourselves.), Michael Rennie 1909 (Ectaw. Klaatu, that was him.), Erich Honecker 1912 (Politician. In charge of East Germany he was.), Van Johnson 1916 (Ectaw.), Mel Ferrer 1917 (Ectaw.), Leonard Bernstein 1918 (Composer. Time for our first clip of the week. What shall we have? West Side Story? On the Town? No, here is the man himself conducting along to the overture from my own favourite Bernstein composition, Candide.), Richard Greene 1918 (Ectaw. Probably best known for starring in... this.), George Wallace 1919 (Politician. Governor of Alabama for four terms.), Sean Connery 1930 (Shcottish actor and produsher.), Wayne Shorter 1933 (Saxophonist and composer. How about some jehhhzzz? What’s this I see?  Footprints?), Tom Skerrett 1933 (Ectaw.), Frederick Forsyth 1938 (Orfer. Wrote the punchline to a favourite gag of mine... If you had a pet jackal, what would you call it? Dave.), Conrad Black 1944 (Newspaper seller.), Martin Amis 1949 (Orfer.), Chaim Witz aka Gene Simmons 1949 (A quarter of Kiss. He’ll see you tonight. There. Bet you didn’t expect that.), Willy DeVille 1950 (Mink DeVille main man. Let’s go for a Spanish stroll.), Rob Halford 1951 (Judas Priest vocalist and bike salesman. Here he is well past his bedtime.), Geoff Downes 1952 (Musician with Buggles, Yes and Asia.  Time flies, doesn't it? 28 keyboards? Who needs 28 keyboards?), Declan McManus aka Elvis Costello 1954 (Musician. Here’s his biggest UK hit, Oliver's Army. He’s from Hounslow, you know; never lost the accent, then.), Jim Wallace 1954 (Politician.), John McGeogh 1955 (Guitarist. Worked with many bands. He was even a Banshee.), Gerd Muller 1955 (Footy bloke and yogurt salesman.), Matt Aitken 1956 (Songwriter and producer. With Messrs. Stock and Waterman had the UK music industry pretty much sewn up in the late 80s. How about a clip? Here was a number one they penned for Mel and Kim.), Henri Toivonen 1956 (Car racey bloke.), Tim Burton 1958 (Film maker.), Billy Ray Cyrus (Musician. Let’s have his biggest hit. All together now... You can tell the world, you never was my girl... That’s a clever trick he can do with his hair... pony tail/no pony tail/pony tail/no pony tail etc.), Joanne Whalley 1964 (Ectress. Famous for Where’s Whalley books.), Stuart Murdoch 1968 (A bit of Belle and Sebastian. Have a clip. Here’s their highest-placed UK hit.  Stop that hopping! ), Marlon Harewood 1979 (Footy bloke.) and Amy Macdonald 1987 (Singer/songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s her biggest UK hit, Mr Rock & Roll.).
 
 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Rumpler,

It was interesting that you chose to give a link to Stock Aitken Waterman’s second number one rather than their first which we believe was three years earlier than Mel and Kim’s 1987 release. Did SAW not have a number one with a band called Dead or Alive? Sadly, neither of us can recall the title of it. Can you help?

Yours respectably,

Hugh Spinmey-Roundel, Ike O’Rekord.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? Er... not too well. We didn’t lose... not entirely. 62 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t exactly an unqualified success though. Hang on... did anyone else get a feeling of deja vu there? What happened? Read on...

 

Grimsby vs Lincoln City - Prediction Away win

Result - Grimsby 1 Lincoln 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

After a blistering start by both sides, it was Grimsby who took the lead when Jordan Cook laid the ball off to Martyn Woolford on the edge of the penalty area, with the midfielder stroking the ball home to get the Blundell Park crowd on their feet.

Grimsby increased the pressure after the break with a sustained spell in the visitors' final third, with defender Danny Collins going close to doubling the Mariners' advantage but his header was cleared off the line.

However, Lincoln found themselves level when John Akinde went down under the challenge of Collins before picking himself up to bury his penalty into the bottom corner and claim a point for his side.

 

Bury vs Forest Green - Prediction Home win

Result - Bury 1 Forest Green 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Forest Green were in front after 29 minutes when striker Christian Doidge powered Carl Winchester's ball from the right into the top left-corner, after Bury failed to clear a set-piece.

Having gone a goal down, the Shakers looked for a route back into the contest, with Adam Thompson heading over before the break, while striker Dominic Telford was thwarted by Rovers goalkeeper Robert Sanchez after the restart.

Forest Green defender Gavin Gunning was dismissed by referee John Busby for bringing down Gold Omotayo when he was through on goal.

And Bury made the numerical advantage count as they levelled in the first minute of added time when Danny Mayor's shot was saved by Sanchez, only for Will Aimson to thump home the rebound.

 

Northampton vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Northampton 2 Cambridge 2

A joke’s a joke, but three ’It the bars in one week?

The first half mostly belonged to Northampton as Matt Crooks and Andy Williams missed chances, but the first goal did not arrive until 13 minutes into the second half when Kevin Van Veen gathered Daniel Powell's pass and smashed the ball into the top corner.

Crooks headed a great chance over the crossbar and he was made to rue that miss 20 minutes from time when George Maris finished coolly into the bottom corner after pouncing on a poor defensive header.

But the home side were back ahead eight minutes later through Van Veen's second as he charged down a clearance and fired home via the underside of the crossbar.

Again Northampton could not hold on, though, and with just four minutes left, Gary Deegan brilliantly curled a shot into the far corner from 20 yards to earn a share of the spoils.

 

Oldham vs Macclesfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Oldham 3 Macclesfield 1

Yay! About time too.

Oldham wasted a clear-cut chance early on when Peter Clarke sent a free header over the crossbar from six yards.

But the breakthrough came in the 16th minute as Gevaro Nepomuceno (Definitely the winner of the ‘Cracking Name of the Week’ title.) found Sam Surridge, who cleverly created space inside the box and finished well from 12 yards.

At the other end, Harry Smith's long-range effort flew just off target for the Silkmen.

Oldham's second goal came in the 53rd minute and involved a stroke of good fortune as Johan Branger let fly from 25 yards, his shot taking a big deflection to leave goalkeeper Rhys Taylor wrong-footed.

Macclesfield responded on the hour mark, with Michael Rose curling a free-kick into the bottom corner from just outside the box.

Fiacre Kelleher almost levelled, but the hosts sealed it in stoppage time when Ishmael Miller chased down George Edmundson's long clearance and scored a fine individual goal.

 

Stevenage vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Stevenage 1 Morecambe 0

Yay!

Morecambe almost broke the deadlock early on through Kevin Ellison, who drew good saves from Paul Farman after he beat the offside trap twice in quick succession.

But on the stroke of half-time, Stevenage took the lead.

Emmanuel Sonupe's cross fell to Michael Timlin outside the box and the midfielder fired into the top corner.

The second half started in the same scrappy way as the first had finished, with Ellison firing high and wide for the visitors.

Morecambe struggled to break down a resolute Stevenage, with their best effort coming from a Liam Mandeville free-kick which fell just wide.

Kurtis Guthrie, Scott Cuthbert and James Ball all went close for the home side, but despite the missed chances Boro saw the game out to secure all three points.

 

Oh well, let’s try again, shall we? What has The Grambler randomly selected for us to lose... sorry, meant win... win money on this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Swansea vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win - 5/4

Luton vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Carlisle vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Colchester vs Northampton - Prediction Home win - Evens

Lincoln vs Notts County - Prediction Home win - 10/11

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.42

 

Oh dear. Far too whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Premiershit team has Harry Kane scored the most goals against. The answer is Leicester City which Harry has clocked up 11 goals against so far.

One for this week? Here’s a good un. Which club has won the Football League title but has never played in the Premier League? Hmm...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. T. Burton who today becomes a sexagenarian. They can’t touch you for it. I wonder if he remembered to apply for his bus pass. Anyway, it is fair to say that film maker, Mr Burton is a little... how can I put this?... off the wall. He has made some of the darkest, weirdest films ever to grace the silver screen. Just look at his cv - Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed Wood, James and the Giant Peach, Mars Attacks, Sleepy Hollow, Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Alice in Wonderland, Dark Shadows, Frankenweenie, Alice Through the Looking Glass and Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Every one of them totally barking. And do you know what? I am so pleased that he continues to produce such bonkers films in amongst the usual Hollywood dross.

His next big film is a live-action remake of Dumbo. I can’t wait.

To finish? Have a link to an early short animation he made when he was in his early twenties. Ladeez and genullum, I give you... Vincent.

I tell you, I did not copy this look
from Siouxsie Sioux of Banshees fame.
 
 
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday, 16 August 2018

Week 3 - The Grambler remembers Aretha Franklin


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

You may recall that a couple of weeks ago I mentioned I was resurrecting the gramblerplan diet (the diet that really works) to try and shed a few flabby pounds that I had gained on a recent holiday.

You may be wondering how I am progressing. Oh, you’re not. Well, I’m going to tell you anyway. The answer is... not too well. It was going fine until last Friday and then... oh dear.

You see, on Friday I was going out for the evening. Sorry? Where to? I was going to a rum tasting, if you must know. More of that later.

En route, I decided to stop for something to eat and visited a favourite haunt of mine, Wetherspoons. Good old Wetherspoons. Good food and drink at reasonable prices (I’m not getting paid to advertise this, incidentally, although if anyone from Wetherspoons is reading this...). One good thing about the menu is that all meals have their calorific value shown, so that those, like me, who are on a healthy eating regime can choose the healthy option. Did I do this? Did I fu... No I didn’t. Haggis, neeps and tatties wins hands down... Oh, I’m dribbling... and its calory content is fairly hefty.

No matter, thinks I, it’s only a minor blip. Unfortunately, I followed my meal with a coffee and cake. Oh dear.

Well, at least the rum tasting wouldn’t hurt the diet. Not many calories in a few small rums with a drop of lemonade. There are plenty of calories in bread, cheese, ham and crisps, though. These were the ‘nibbles’ provided at the rum tasting. Well, it would be rude to refuse an offer of food, wouldn’t it. Wouldn’t it?

Saturday dawned and I was determined that I would behave myself and eat sensibly. This I did. I ate a small breakfast and a very light lunch. I had forgotten, however, that I was visiting people for an evening meal.

Have you ever heard of people being described as feeders? Whenever you visit them, you barely have time for your bottom to hit the couch and you are being presented with biscuits/cake/sandwiches (delete as applicable) and tea/coffee/large whisky (ditto). The people I visited on Saturday were definitely feeders. There were already ‘nibbles’ on the coffee table when Mrs G and I arrived and I hadn’t even parked my backside when a large glass of prosecco was stuck in my hand.

It was one of those evenings where the drink flowed freely and the food was plentiful...

‘Soup?’
‘Thank you.’ 
‘Roll?’ 
‘Thank you.’ 
‘More soup?’ 
‘No, you’re all right.’ 
‘Go on.’ 
‘Oh, all right then.’
 
The main course followed... 
 
‘More chicken?’ 
‘No thanks, I’ve had plenty.’ 
‘It’ll only go to waste.’ 
‘Go on, then.’ 

Then there was the dessert...

‘Would you like seconds?’
‘No thanks; I’m absolutely stuffed... oh, go on then.’

And so the evening went on. More drink. More nibbles. By the time I got to bed, I really did feel absolutely stuffed.

Sunday was weigh-in day. Guess what. I didn’t lose weight. [There’s a surprise. - Ed.] I had gained exactly one pound. Considering the amount of food and drink I had consumed over the previous two days, that was actually not a bad result.

It was an even better result for the Bobby Moore Fund. Remember, for every pound in weight that I lose, I donate one pound to the fund, but if I put weight on, two quids per pound go to the fund.

I really should have a bit more willpower; this could prove costly otherwise.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 18th of August? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Antonio Salieri 1750 (Composer. A clip? Here is Sinfonia Veneziana. A nice wee bit cult’yer  fur yeez therr.), Caspar Weinberger 1917 (Politician.), Godfrey Evans 1920 (Crickety bloke and useful expletive if you hit your thumb with a hammer and there are children around.), Shelley Winters 1920 (Ectress), Brian Aldiss 1925 (Orfer.), Just Fontaine 1933 (Footballeur. See http://www.thegrambler.com/2018/07/week-48-grambler-and-hosepipe.html for his claim to fame.), Roman Polanski 1933 (Film directing nonce... allegedly.), Robert Redford 1936 (Ectaw.), Johnny Preston 1939 (Singer. Here’s a clip of him running bare. [Some mistake, surely. - Ed.] Don’t call me Shirley.), Carl Wayne 1943 (Singer. A bit of The Move. Here is Blackberry Way.), Patrick Swayze 1952 (Ectaw. Let’s have a bit of mucky jigging.  I have never seen that film and nor would I want to; it looks unbelievably cheesy.), Ricky Villa 1952 (Futbolista.), Marvin Isley 1953 (Bassist for a group formed with his brothers. Can you guess the name? While you try to remember, here’s a clip.  There's a bit of a draught in here...), Ron Strykert 1957 (A musician. A man at work, no less. Here is their huge hit Down Under.), Huw Edwards 1961 (News...rea...der.), Edward Norton 1969 (Ectaw.), Christian Slater 1969 (Another Ectaw.), Victoria Coren Mitchell 1972 (Writer, presenter and professional poker player.), Robert Huth 1984 (Fußballer.) and Ross McCormack 1986 (Footy bloke. Played for the mighty ‘Well... long long ago.).

 
 
I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Gumboil,

We have always been fans of The Move and wonder if you know the answer to a little teaser. When the BBC started Radio One in 1967, a song by The Move was the very first record played. Can you remember which one?

Yours affectionately,

Flo Urs, Ian de Wren.
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? Er... not too well. We didn’t lose... not entirely. 62 pees back from a £2.20 stake isn’t exactly an unqualified success though. What happened? Read on...

 

Inverness CT vs Ayr - Prediction Home win

Result - Inverness 0 Ayr 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Inverness Caledonian Thistle missed a penalty as they were held to a draw by 10-man Ayr United in the Championship.

Daniel Harvie was sent off for a second booking after his foul on George Oakley resulted in a spot-kick but Liam Polworth shot wide from 12 yards. Pillock!

Earlier, Caley Thistle's Tom Walsh connected with a Nathan Austin cross but fired past the post. Tw*t!

Michael Rose's header for the visitors forced Mark Ridgers into a save and Lawrence Shankland also threatened.

The Ayr striker's shot ran across the face of goal and wide.

Inverness defender Coll Donaldson had a long-range effort from 30 yards late on but it went narrowly over. Prat!

 

Partick vs Falkirk - Prediction Home win

Result - Partick 2 Falkirk 1

Yay!

On 24 minutes, Partick’s James Penrice cut in from the left, beating two defenders, before firing a deflected shot into the Bairns net.

Chris Erskine doubled Thistle's lead before the interval, breaking infield from the opposite flank.

Falkirk were better in the second half, Andrew Irving striking the crossbar before Rees Greenwood's consolation goal.
 
James Penrice celebrates his goal with
a rendition of Me Old Bamboo from
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...
although it would appear that someone
has half-inched his old bamboo.  Would
you Adam-and-Eve it?
 

 

Airdrie vs Montrose - Prediction Home win

Result - Airdrie 0 Montrose 1

Boo!

Match report? Come off it. This is a Scottish First Division game, for goodness sake. Who’d be interested? After all, it’s only a game between two teams in the third tier of Scottish football. Obviously, the Beeb wouldn’t consider that important enough to provide us with a match report. It’s not as if it was the game between Havant & Waterlooville and AFC Fylde, which the Beeb did fn well cover. [I’m sensing a touch of sarcasm. - Ed.]

Dumbarton vs Forfar - Prediction Home win

Result - Dumbarton 0 Forfar 2

Boo!

See above.

Raith vs Stenhousemuir - Prediction Home win

Result - Raith 2 Stenhousemuir 0

Yay!

See above.

 

Ho hum. Not a great week for The Grambler. What has he/she/it predicted for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Grimsby vs Lincoln City - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Bury vs Forest Green - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Northampton vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Oldham vs Macclesfield - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Stevenage vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win - 7/10

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.76

 

Well that’s a bit more whopping than usual.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which team has had the worst all-time total goal difference since the Premiershit began. The answer was that yo-yo team Sunderland with minus 292 goals (612 for, 904 against). Not too impressive.

One for this week? How about this? Free-scoring Harry Kane didn’t score last weekend, but against which Premiershit side has he scored the most times? Hmm... One to ask down the pub, I reckon.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, as I write this I have just heard that Aretha Franklin aka the Queen of Soul has died. There’s a thing... Why was she called the queen of soul, but James Brown, the male equvalent, if you like, was only the godfather of soul? Why not king of soul? Or, conversely, why wasn’t Aretha simply a godmother of soul? Nah... Sounds daft. Any road up, another great singer bites the dust. She was always more successful in the States than in the UK, racking up 16 US solo top ten singles and only achieving three in Britain. Respect reached number 10 back in 1967 and I Say a Little Prayer reached number 4 the following year. She had to wait another 26 years before she had another solo top tenner with this, our finishing clip, A Deeper Love which, as you can see from the promotional video, was on the soundtrack of Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (Oh how we laughed.).

Incidentally, that song never troubled the top ten in the US.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Week 2 - The Grambler remembers Barry Chuckle


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Farewell to Barry Chuckle, one half of the Chuckle Brothers, who died this week aged 73.

I have to say, I was never a fan. That's probably because I was already grown up when they reached their peak in the late eighties. They were popular, certainly. You don't have 21 series over a 22 year span, if you're not. Their brand of silly slapstick comedy was aimed squarely at children. And the kids of the day lapped it up. There can't be many Brits aged between 20 and 40 who isn't aware of their catchphrase... 'To me. To you.' And who can move a piece of heavy furniture these days without saying it at least once?

So, I could understand their appeal. They were silly and funny; just perfect for little uns.

However, there is something that I always had a problem with: their name. Chuckle Brothers. I dislike the idea that you are being told that they are meant to be funny. That just makes me think, 'Go on, make me smile. I challenge you.' I reckon if I had been a kid when the Chuckle Brothers were doing their Chucklevision programmes, I would have been the awkward sod who refused to acknowledge that were in the least bit amusing.

It is nothing new for a would-be comedian to change their name to something seemingly suitable. Who remembers Bobby Knutt? Just me, then.

How many Joe Kings have there been over the years?

There is a comic in the north of England called Tom Bright. Very popular he is. But is that his real name? Doubt it.

I recall seeing a pantomime some years back... and you know how much I love pantos [You are being sarky, I take it. - Ed.]... which featured a comedian going by the name of Johnny Laff. Well, you can imagine my reaction to that... 'Come on then. Make me.'

I'm sorry, I take exception to comedians using daft names to suit their image.

I will end by telling you that there is absolutely no truth to the suggestion that Joe Pasquale was a great fan of kajagoogoo when he was starting out in the business known as show and especially admired bassist Nick Beggs. So much so that he was planning to use as his comedy name the completely apt Nick Gaggs. As I said, and my lawyer will bear me out, there is no truth in that rumour.

 
I think it only right that I use this one again.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 11th of August? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Enid Blyton 1897 (Racist writer.), Lloyd Nolan 1902 (B movie actor.), Alex Haley 1921 (Roots writer.), Raymond Leppard 1927 (Composer. Here is this week’s first clip, the theme to the 1969 film Alfred the Great.  He's not a real leopard, you know.  He probably can't even run fast.), Anna Massey 1937 (Ectress. Dr. Gillespie’s daughter. An obscure 1960s US medical drama reference there.), Mike Hugg 1942 (Musician. Founding member of 1960s band Manfred Mann. A clip? Have some jehhhzzzzzz. Here’s an early Manfred Mann instrumental with the title Bare Hugg. Go on, guess who wrote it.), Denis Payton 1943 (A Dave Clark one. Played saxophone. Here is a clip where he gives us a blast on his horn. [Fnarr fnarr. - Ed.]), Ian McDiarmid 1944 (Ectaw. Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious.), Eric Carmen 1949 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip?  Ready for one of the most depressing songs ever?  You have been warned. Think he might have been using some of his heated rollers to achieve that candyfloss look.), Ian Charleson 1949 (Ectaw. He wouldn’t run on a Sunday.), Steve Wozniak 1950 (Sells apples.), Terry Bollea 1953 (Who? You may know him better as Hulk Hogan, a wrestler it says here.), Joe Jackson 1954 (Musician. Another clip coming up. Here’s Steppin' Out.), John Wardle aka Jah Wobble 1958 (Musician. He was briefly in Public Image Limited, though not as vocalist. Here he sets that right.  He's actually got a better voice than that band's vocalist.), Richard Scudamore 1959 (Executive chairman of the Premier League, i.e. a footy bloke.), Sophie Okonedo 1968 (Ectress.) and Isy Suttie 1978 (Comedian.).
 
I've received a letter...
 
Dear Mr Rumpler,
We are fans of Manfred Mann and particularly Mike Hugg.  Apparently, he left the band because he felt the music was getting too 'poppy'.  He actually described one of the band's later hits as one of the worst songs he had ever heard.  Neither of us can remember which song he was describing.  Can you help?
Yours with goodwill and felicitations,
R. Harsedd, Dec Lown.
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? Well, the first predictions of the new footy season actually gave us a wee profit: £3.94 back from our £2.20 stake money. Not a huge win but, compared to recent returns, it’s a fortune. What happened? Read on...

 

Bury vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Bury 1 Yeovil Town 0

Yay!

In a fiery encounter, which saw referee Dean Whitestone dismiss Yeovil players Tom James and Jordan Green in the second half, Omotayo won it for the hosts with an 89th-minute header.

Will Aimson and Nicky Adams had speculative efforts for Bury in a quiet start.

Yeovil grew into the contest after the break, and Shakers' goalkeeper Joe Murphy did well to tip Francois Zoko's chip on to the crossbar.

The visitors were reduced to 10 men after 54 minutes when James was dismissed for his second bookable offence following a late challenge on Danny Mayor.

And 13 minutes later the Glovers were down to nine as Green was shown a straight red card for a rash tackle on Bury captain Neil Danns, which sparked a 20-player rammy.

Bury secured the three points when Omotayo guided Aimson's ball into the top-left corner.

 

Cheltenham vs Crawley - Prediction Home win

Result - Cheltenham 0 Crawley 1

Boo!

Ollie Palmer headed home the game's only goal in the 63rd minute and the visitors held on to win after Kevin Dawson hit the crossbar with a penalty.

Crawley had made the stronger start against a Cheltenham team including eight debutants.

Dominic Poleon was denied in the fourth minute by goalkeeper Scott Flinders, who then recovered to catch Dannie Bulman's follow-up header.

Filipe Morais set up Poleon two minutes later, but Flinders saved again.

Cheltenham had their first chance in the 15th minute when Alex Addai played in Immanuelson Duku, but visiting keeper Glenn Morris blocked well with his legs.

Flinders kept out Josh Payne's 20-yard effort, but Cheltenham improved after a change of formation midway through the half.

However, the breakthrough came 18 minutes into the second half when Palmer headed in Morais' corner from the right.

Cheltenham had an opportunity to equalise in the 72nd minute when they were awarded a penalty after a foul by Romain Vincelot on substitute Kalvin Kalala, but Dawson's spot-kick hit the bar and went over. Pillock!

 

Crewe vs Morecambe - Prediction Home win

Result - Crewe 6 (That’s six) Morecambe 0

An emphatic YAY!

Alex Nicholls added to Charlie Kirk's sixth-minute opener with a brace.

Midfielder James Jones scored two long-range strikes past a beleaguered Paddy Roche in the closing stages, while substitute Chris Porter also got in on the act with a late header.

Crewe were 2-0 up after 10 minutes. Determined work by Jordan Bowery teed up Paul Green, whose blocked shot fell for Kirk to fire into the roof of the net.

Kirk then crossed for the unmarked Nicholls to glance a header into the far corner for the second.

Rhys Oates went close for Morecambe with a looping header that veered wide and in the second half the striker forced a good save out of Dave Richards, who then kept out Vadaine Oliver's follow-up.

But Crewe's finishing was slicker, as Nicholls demonstrated when he finished a four-man move with a sweet volley.

Oliver hit a post for Morecambe, who then conceded three times in the final 18 minutes.

Jones strode forward to bury a 25-yard shot into a bottom corner before Porter headed in the fifth at the far post

Jones then replicated his strike with another long-range effort in the last minute.

 

Mansfield vs Newport - Prediction Home win

Result - Mansfield 3 Newport 0

Yay!

Tyler Walker gave Mansfield the lead on 12 minutes despite a fine double save by Joe Day as the Stags took control.

Craig Davies hit the post before the break and the hosts' supremacy was underlined when Walker's cross was headed home by Otis Khan from close range on 56 minutes.

Khan made matters safe on 64 minutes when he curled home from 25 yards.

 

Swindon vs Macclesfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Swindon 3 Macclesfield 2

Yay!

Michael Doughty scored two stoppage-time penalties to complete a hat-trick and snatch Swindon a dramatic 3-2 victory against English Football League new boys Macclesfield.

Koby Arthur's double looked to have set Macclesfield on their way to a dream return before the late spot-kick drama.

Arthur fired last season's National League title winners ahead a minute into the second half after latching on to a quickly-taken free-kick.

But Swindon hit back almost immediately when Doughty headed in Kyle Knoyle's pin-point cross.

Macclesfield were gifted the lead for a second time just seven minutes later following a blunder from home goalkeeper Lawrence Vigouroux.

Vigouroux made a mess of clearing Olly Lancashire's back-pass, allowing Ghanaian Arthur to lift the ball over his head and into the net.

Doughty drew Swindon level for a second time in the sixth minute of stoppage time after Elijah Adebayo had been fouled by Jared Hodgkiss.

And there was still time for the Welshman to break Macclesfield hearts three minutes later following Arthur's trip on Adebayo.

Thanks to the Press Association for match reports.

 

Not a bad start to the new season. Can The Grambler keep it up? [Fnarr fnarr. - Ed.] Let’s see what he/she/it has predicted for this week’s bet.

Game - Result - Odds

Inverness CT vs Ayr - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Partick vs Falkirk - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Airdrie vs Montrose - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Dumbarton vs Forfar - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Raith vs Stenhousemuir - Prediction Home win - 7/10

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£9.66

 

Nope. Not in the least bit whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who turned down the opportunity to manage Everton at the last minute in summer 1997, preferring to maintain his media career. The answer was that well-known misogynist, Andy Gray. As a bonus, I asked you who took over as manager for his third spell in charge of the club. That was Howard Kendall. Too easy?

Okay, how about one for this week? On the opening day of the Premiershit, let’s have a related question. Since the Premiershit began, which team has had the worst all-time total goal difference? A good un methinks. Try that one down the pub.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr M. Hugg... sort of. You see, after his stint with Manfred Mann, he branched out into writing music for films and TV. He wrote the theme tune for our final link.  So, ladeez and genullum please enjoy the first ever episode of  Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.