Week 21 - New year explained by The Grambler

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Dear Mr Grimbling,

Here’s a teaser for you Mr Grimbling.  Which football club is known as the Vikings?  I bet you don’t know.

Yours lovingly,

Dawn Castor.

 

Did you have a nice Gramblemas?  Good?  Me?  Not bad at all; thanks for asking. Well, it is now time to wish happy random date as determined by Pope Gregory XIII to all my grambling chums out there in Grambleland.  This week’s topic for your edification is not a rant or a grumble, but a why?  Why was January 1^st chosen as the date when a new yearly cycle should begin?  [Yearly cycle?  Bikes? – Ed.]

For millennia it has been recognised that one year represents a complete rotation of the Earth’s seasons.  It was apparently worked out from animal mating times and yearly events such as solstices and equinoxes.  It gave us clever humans some guidelines about when to plant seeds and when to harvest crops.  All very sensible and all damned clever considering reading and writing were not something our early ancestors had yet come up with.  One thing they certainly hadn’t come up with was a clock and calendar system and yet these early humans could pinpoint with amazing accuracy the spring and autumn equinoxes when the daylight and darkness hours are exactly the same.  They could also work out the times that summer and winter solstices gave the longest daylight hours and hours of darkness respectively.  All very clever, but it still doesn’t answer my question of why January 1^st should be the day in the yearly cycle chosen as the start of a new year.  Surely, it would make more sense to have one of the equinoxes or solstices as the date of a new year.

My own view is this… I reckon that before Christianity came along with it’s ‘I’m right, everyone else is wrong’ philosophy, winter solstice was the time chosen by most societies as being the changeover point between one year and the next.  With me so far?  Why did the Christians change it to a week or two later?  Well, the bloke that began the whole thing, that Jesus from off of the Bible, was born at just about winter solstice time.  He probably thought, blow this for a game of soldiers, it’s my birthday and everyone’s off singing Auld Lang Syne and eating steak pie and shortbread and not even getting me a present.  Well, I reckon the leader of a religion deserves a bit more recognition, so here’s the plan… move new year forward a week and then, Hey Prescott, you all notice me and give me some presents.  All his followers thought – Hey Jesus, not a bad idea, let’s do it.  So there you have it.  The real reason new year is a week after Christmas.  Oh, and Jesus finally got that new bike he’d always wanted. [Ha! Bikes! Told you. – Ed.]

Who said, What bollocks?  Can you come up with a better reason?

Any birthdays on December 27^th?  Why yes.  Loads.  Louis Pasteur 1822 (milkman), Sydney Greenstreet 1879 (falconer), Hans Stuck 1900 (inventor of superglue), Irene Handl 1901 (bit of a nob), Marlene Deitrich 1901 (follink een loff again, neffer vonted to), Scotty Moore 1931 (Star Trek engineer who played guitar), Mike Pinder 1941 (a moody blue), Mick Jones 1944 (illegal immigrant), Janet Street-Porter 1946 (inventor of yoof TV), Gerard Depardieu 1948 (man with two noses) and Duncan Ferguson 1971 (Glasgow kiss expert).

Hmm, nothing worth gramblerising was ever produced by that lot… or was there?  Marlene Deitrich?  Mike Pinder?  Mick Jones?  Surely one of them could provide us with a toon.  Aha… Scotty Moore, geetarist on all of Elvis Presley’s early hits.  He’s our man.  Now, what toon should we have?

You ain't nothin but a Grambler
Gramblin all the time.
You ain't nothin but a Grambler
Gramblin all the time.
Well, you aint never caught a rabbit
And you ain't no friend of mine.

I was looking at other Elvis toons to do and thought of Jailhouse Rock.  Do you know, I don’t think I have ever noticed the lyrics before…

Number forty-seven said to number three:
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company,
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me.

Now, I am assuming that the jailhouse being discussed here was an all-male establishment, which means that number 47 was attracted to number 3 in a way which would suggest that he had plans for him other than dancing to the jailhouse rock.  Who’d have thought Elvis would have promoted such behaviour back in 1957?

Let’s move on to more wholesome activities, shall we?  Yes, how to lose money in one easy lesson – follow The Grambler.  How did his/her/its predictions fare last week?  Do you really want to know?  It failed miserably.  Read on.

Aston Villa vs Man Utd – Prediction Away win

Result – Aston Villa 1 Manchester United 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Christian Benteke gave Aston Villa the lead on 18 minutes with a left-footed shot.  Radamel Falcao headed home Manchester United's equaliser shortly after half-time from an Ashley Young cross.  Villa's Gabriel Agbonlahor was shown a straight red card midway through the second half after fouling Young, his first sending off in a 289 game Premiershit career.

Crewe vs Bristol City – Prediction Away win – 8/13

Result – Crewe Alexandra 1 Bristol City 0

Boo!

On-loan midfielder Jamie ‘Nessie’ Ness fired the only goal as bottom club Crewe upset 10-man Bristol City at Gresty Road.

Ness found the top corner after good work by sub George ‘Tommy’ Cooper as City paid the price for Derrick Williams's dismissal for a foul on Uche Ikpeazu.

Crewe goalkeeper Ben Garratt made two point-blank saves in the first half, while opposite number Frank Fielding superbly denied Anthony Grant.

City almost levelled late on when Aden Flint's header was blocked on the line.

Cooper was in the perfect position by the post to keep the ball out, but moments later he wasted a great chance to kill the game at the other end when he shot wide.

Swindon vs Doncaster – Prediction Home win – 4/5

Result – Swindon 0 Doncaster 1

Boo hoo!

Dean Furman was brought down by Swindon's Jordan Turnbull on 22 minutes and Theo Robinson neatly converted.

The Robins could have secured a draw 12 minutes from time but substitute Michael Smith had his penalty saved by Sam Johnstone after Reece Wabara had fouled Andy Williams.

 

Hartlepool vs Oxford – Prediction Away win – 21/20

Result – Hartlepool 1 Oxford 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar.

Ronnie ‘Roger’ Moore's first game in charge of Hartlepool United ended in a stalemate as his side were held by Oxford United.

The hosts enjoyed most of the first half chances after starting on the front-foot but Marlon Harewood saw the best of those efforts well saved.

Pools took a deserved lead when Joe Ironside latched onto a Sidney ‘Stinky’ Schmeltz pass and found the bottom corner.

But U's top-scorer Danny Hylton secured a point for the visitors as he swept home Wes Burns' cross from 10-yards.

Raith Rovers vs Hibs – Prediction Away win – 5/6

Result – Raith Rovers 1 Hibernian 3

Hooray.  About time too.

Barrie McKay's shot put Raith ahead but Hibs were level by half-time, Jason Cummings firing home.

Liam Fontaine headed in Scott Allan's corner to give the visitors the lead for the first time.

And Dominique Malonga made sure of the points for Alan Stubbs' side when he converted from close range in the final 10 minutes.

Ah well.  Ne’er mind, eh.

What about some predictions for this week?  Well, because it is Gramblemas, the fixtures are in a right old pickle.  All the English games take place on boxing day whereas only the Scottish games take place at the rightful place of Saturday at 3pm.  It’s made a right mess of The Grambler’s selection process and no mistake (Beg pardon; coming over all Cockney there, guvnor.).  Thus The Grambler has only the 18 games taking place this Saturday the 27^th of December at 3pm to choose from.  So what five has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game – Result – Odds

Livingston vs Hearts – Prediction Away win – 4/9

Falkirk vs Raith – Prediction Home win – 4/6

Airdrie vs Ayr – Prediction Home win – 10/11

Stirling vs Morton – Prediction Away win – 8/11

Stranraer vs Stenhousemuir – Prediction Home win – 4/9

That’s it for this week my little grambling chums.  The bets are placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of…fanfare please…

£7.64

…What a crap tune.  Seven quids and 64 pees!  Is that all?  Still, if it wins, it’ll be a lot more than we have won in the past few weeks.  Will it win?  Doubt it.

 

And now… its teaser time.  Last week I asked you who was the first non-British manager to win a major trophy in English football.  The answer was none other than…

…Ruud Gullit.

What about a teaser for this week?  Who is the only goalkeeper to have won every major domestic and world title there is to claim?  Easy peasy, lemon squeazy.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther a new year quote from comedian Joey Adams…

May all your troubles last as long as your new year’s resolutions.

Happy grambling.

Week 20 - Merry Gramblemas to both our readers

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Dear Mr Grimsdale,

I have been told that there is only one team from Kent in the football league.  Surely there must be more than one.  Who is this lone Kent club?  Do you know?

Yours, etc.

Jill Ingham.

It’s been done before and no doubt will be done again, but let’s have thegrambler.com’s version of the old favourite…

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
12 large brandies
11 gin and tonics
10 cans of lager
9 nips of whisky
8 tawny ports
7 bloody Marys
6 slugs of buckfast
5 MO - JI - TOS
4 Jaeger bombs
3 dark rums
2 large wines
and an ambulance to A and E.

Or...

Gramblemas is coming
The goose is getting fat
Please put a couple of quid in The Grambler's Kick Cancer's Backside Fund at the justgiving page https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
If you haven't got a couple of quid
A quid won't do because the minimum donation is two pounds
If you haven't got a quid then God bless you

Ah yes the old Gramblemas rhyme brought up to date.  Although perhaps goose should be replaced by turkey as it is the most common meal at Gramblemas time.  In fact I can't ever remember anyone having goose as their Gramblemas meal.  Indeed in all my years on this planet I don't recall even tasting goose. Chicken and turkey yes but not goose.  I've even tried guinea fowl, duck and pheasant but definitely not goosey goosey gander.

Mrs G did follow ms Lawson's advice a few years ago of roasting potatoes in goose fat.  The result was not worth the effort of tracking down a supplier of said fat.  I think old Nigella had shares in a company that sold the stuff because to my palate there was little difference between potatoes cooked in goose fat and those done in common lard.

Geese must have been popular many years ago because they feature heavily in nursery rhymes - see above - and pantomimes.  Mother goose, Jack and the beanstalk are two that comes to mind.  And sayings.  Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg. That's one.  One that has always intrigued me is  - You wouldn't say boo to a goose.  Well, who would?  I can't imagine anyone having either the need or the inclination to do such a thing.  Probably there are many folk around who, whenever they are close to a goose, will shout out boo very loudly, just for the hell of it. There must be some traumatised geese in any town that has a river running through it.

Changing the subject totally, but sticking with Gramblemas (sort of), there has been a story doing the rounds recently, which has been reported as fact by the maily dail, that one in five children think Jesus plays for Chelsea.  What palpable nonsense.  For a start I doubt if one in five children even know there is a team called Chelsea. How many children were asked the question of who is Jesus?  Thousands? Hundreds? I suspect the answer is five and one of them had a sense of humour.  Jesus plays for Chelsea indeed! In fact there's only one Mexican player in Chelsea's squad and his name is Ulises Davila. And he's out on loan at the moment.

Isn’t it just typical of the reporting standards of the Maily Dail?  Facts?  Don’t bother with facts, just fill the newspaper with any old story found on line.  Never mind that it is obvious bollocks!  There is another reason I hate the comic that is the Maily Dail – Jamie Carragher ‘writes’ a column for it.

Let’s move on before I blow a gasket.  Any birthdays to report?  Why yes, this lot were all born on the 20th of December - Samuel Mudd 1833 (don’t mention him), Dan Leno 1860 (inventor of floor covering), Harvey Firestone 1868 (related to Fred and Wilma), Uri Geller 1946 (bender), Jenny Agutter 1952 (railway child), Billy Bragg 1957 (card game), Ashley Cole 1980 (text messaging specialist) and Fitz Hall 1980 (footie bloke whose nickname is one-size).  Nobody in amongst that lot ever had any hits to gramblerise.  Surely we can’t go two weeks running without a toon.

Well, there was a very sad event on the 20^th of December 1973.  Walden Robert Cassotto died aged just 37.  Who?  You know him better as Bobby Darin.  Or maybe you don’t.  He had a few hits in the fifties and early sixties; must be something we can gramblerise.

Somewhere, beyond the sea
Somewhere, grambling for me
My grambler stands on golden sand
And watches the ships
That go grambling

Somewhere, beyond the sea
She's there, grambling for me
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her heart
I'll go grambling  etc. etc.

How did our grambling bet fare last week?  Did it win?  Sort of.  From our stake of £2.20 we got a return of £1.77.  Better than last week, but still not good enough.  What happened?  Read on.

Bolton vs Ipswich – Prediction Away win

Result – Bolton 0 Ipswich 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Ipswich Town missed the chance to go top of the Championship but extended their unbeaten run to eight games with a goalless draw at in-form Bolton.

Midfielder Jay ‘Pull’ Tabb had their two best opportunities after half-time, but a close-range shot and a header were both kept out by goalkeeper Andy ‘Donnie’ Lonergan.

Watford vs Wigan – Prediction Home win

Result – Watford 2 Wigan 1

Yay!

Troy Deeney scored twice as Watford condemned struggling Wigan to a third-successive Championship defeat.

The striker opened the scoring with a low finish but Chris McCann headed in an equaliser on the stroke of half time.

Ben Watson went close with a header as Wigan improved in the second half, but Deeney nodded in a late winner.

Oldham vs Yeovil – Prediction Home win

Result – Oldham 0 Yeovil 4

Hmm…possibly the most utterly wrong prediction by The Grambler, ever.

The Glovers took the lead when Stephen Arthurworrey fired in after seeing his initial header come back off the post.

Simon Gillett's right-footed effort made it two, before a defensive error from Genseric Kusunga – What do you reckon?  Contender for cracking name of the week? - allowed Sam Hoskins to shoot past Paddy Kenny.

A miserable afternoon for Oldham was complete when Kieffer Moore fired home from outside the box in injury time.

Bristol City vs Crawley – Prediction Home win

Result – Bristol City 1 Crawley 0

Wahey!

Luke Ayling struck a late winner to keep Bristol City at the top of the League One table.

The defender drilled a volley past Crawley goalkeeper Lewis Price from a tight angle with just three minutes of normal time remaining.

 

Panic sets in as Luke Ayling realises that his teeth have been super-glued together

Burton vs Hartlepool – Prediction Home win

Result – Burton 4 Hartlepool 0

Woohoo!

The visitors fell behind to Alex MacDonald's angled shot at the very end of the first half.

Jacob Blyth set up MacDonald to double the lead from eight yards a minute after the break and Shane Cansdell-Sherriff's header made it three.

Stuart Beavon netted a fourth from 12 yards to complete a good afternoon’s work.

 

So there you have it my little gramblerinis, three out of five right and we still can’t get into profit thanks to shocking odds.  Never mind, let’s see what The Grambler has in store for us this week.  There are 56 games taking place in the English and Scottish senior leagues this Saturday, the 20^th of December at 3pm.  Plenty for The Grambler to choose from.  So what has he/she/it come up with?  The games are…

Game – Result – Odds

Aston Villa vs Man Utd – Prediction Away win – 8/13

Crewe vs Bristol City – Prediction Away win – 8/13

Swindon vs Doncaster – Prediction Home win – 4/5

Hartlepool vs Oxford – Prediction Away win – 21/20

Raith Rovers vs Hibs – Prediction Away win – 5/6

Oh dear.  Four aways.  Oh dear.  If, by some miracle, the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the bet (10 x 20 pees doubles plus 1 x 20 pees accumulator) will win for the Bobby Moore Fund (via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund) the amazingly amazing total of…

£9.87

Wow!  That really is… Nine quids 87 pees?  That’s a bit rubbish.  Still, if it comes up… it’ll be a first.

Now it’s time for the answer to last week’s teaser.  I asked what record in the Premiershit did the weekends 2/3 December 1995 and 23/24 September 2000 share.  The answer?  Each of those weekends threw up the most draws in a Premiershit 10 game fixture list; seven out of ten matches played.

And now a teaser for this week.  Who was the first non-British manager to win a major trophy in English football?  An easy one there, I think.  You should get that without even having to refer to Googlie.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, British TV has certain programmes which get shown every Gramblemas.  Raymond Briggs’ The Snowman, for example.  Other countries have their own favourite programmes which just have to be shown or else Gramblemas just wouldn't seem right.  Who would have thought an old British music hall comedian would provide the most popular festive treat in Germany.  Ladeez and genullum, I give you Dinner for One

 

Merry Gramblemas.