Sunday 29 July 2018

Week 49 - Happy grambleday to Garfield


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

I've just had a visit from a pair of nutters from some weird religious sect... I said weird religious sect not weird religious sex... Christians, I believe they were.

Any road up, these two well dressed ladies knocked on my door...

'I would like to give you this leaflet.' says one.

'What's it for?' says I.

'A talk.'

'What about?'

'The death of Christ.'

I told them that I would rather listen to Cilla Black (or anyone else who is the vocal equilalent of fingernails scratching a blackboard) singing till my ears bled than listen to someone talking about some geezer that died 2000 years ago. I also pointed out their fundamental error; Jesus didn't die, surely (Don't call me Shirley.). Well, he did... technically... but he came back to life, didn't he? Something like that. I always thought that that was the basis of Christianity. I suggested that she was not very religious if she wasn't even aware of the facts.

Actually, I didn't say that, I just said no thank you to their offer and they walked away.

Is that it? Is that this week's grumble?

No. As they walked away, I heard one say to the other, 'atheist.'

And that bothered me. I wasn't annoyed that they were calling me names; I've been called worse. No. I was bothered that, because I didn't believe that some beardy bloke up in the sky made us out of play dough, I had to be given a title.

Excuse me? So, Mrs religious woman, if I didn't believe in Santa Claus, I would have to have a name that would label me as a non-Santa-Clausy-believer-type-person? Don't think that is required. Ditto if I don't believe in the tooth fairy. Easter bunny? Same thing, as far as I am concerned.

Unlike Michael Jackson, I don't believe in zombies. Or ghosts, werewolves, mummies coming to life, witches or any other load of old warlocks.

I have a plan. Religiousy folk out there, expect me to knock on your door very soon...

'Hello, I'd like you to accept this leaflet. It's an invitation to a talk all about evolution which Charles Darwin proved back in the nineteenth century. No it isn't about a god or anyone coming back to life. It's all based on facts and facts alone.'

Actually, now I think about it, I'd probably get the same reaction as the religious nutters get.
 
[Well done... You've just alienated about half your readership. - Ed.]
 
Don't worry, things won't be too controversial next week... an old favourite is about to return.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 28th of July? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Robert Hooke 1635 (Pantomime villain.), Beatrix Potter 1866 (Creator of Peter Rabbit who is now spinning in her grave... What would she make of that one-star rated film with Peter being voiced by James Condom? ‘Unfunny bunny’ one reviewer called it.), Marcel Duchamp 1887 (Artist, it says here. How can a urinal be classed as art.), Rudy Vallee 1901 (Bandleader. Have a clip. Here is Stein Song.  You'll recognise it.), Earl Tupper 1907 (The Tough of the Track... Hang on, that was Alf Tupper. Oh, the plastics bloke.), Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis 1929 (Gold digger? Too strong?), Gary Sobers 1936 (Crickety bloke.), Rick Wright 1943 (A bit of Pink Floyd. Have another clip. Here's Breakthrough.), Jim Davis 1945 (Cartoonist.), Jonathan Edwards 1946 (Singer/songwriter. A clip. Here’s some Sunshine.), Peter Doyle 1949 (A New Seeker. Have another clip.  They've got a Never Ending Song of Love for you.), Simon Kirke 1949 (Free and Bad Company’s drummer. Here he is more recently with his own band playing Heart Break.), Steve Peregrine Took 1949 (Musician. Have a bit of Shagrat. [I beg your pardon? - Ed.]), Ray Kennedy 1951 (Footy bloke.), Hugo Chavez 1954 (The well-known president of Venezuela.), Michael Carrick 1981 (Footy bloke.) and Harry Kane 1993 (Footy bloke.).
 
Duchamp's 'Fountain'
I'm sorry, but a gents' urinal lying
on its side does not constitute art,
in my humble opinion... Give me
a Banksy any day of the week.
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It lost. Nuff said. What about a Grambler prediction for this week? Well, you may have noticed that this week’s edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog is, once again, a little tardy [A bit like a tard? - Ed.] so there is no prediction this week... Own up. Who shouted hooray?

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which two sets of brothers featured in the Netherlands 1994 team. The answer is Frank and Ronald de Boer and Ronald and Erwin Koeman. That was a bit too easy.

One for this week? Let’s have a Champions League question. Over the past 11 competitions, the top scorers have been Cristiano Ronaldo on six occasions and Lionel Messi also on six occasions. Hang on a mo, that doesn’t add up, I hear you say. Indeed it doesn’t; in the 2014-15 competition, the top scorer title was shared. Ronaldo and Messi both scored 10 goals through the campaign. One other player also scored 10 goals in the competition that season to make it a three-way tie. This week’s teaser? Name that party pooper.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

As usual, let’s mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. J. Davis, one of this week’s birthday celebrants. Jim Davis is the creator of Garfield the cat, arguably the most successful cartoon in the world. In 2013 it was included in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s most syndicated cartoon, at the time appearing in 2580 publications. There have been TV series and films made about this lazy, lasagne-loving, coffee-drinking feline, such is the character’s popularity. But where did it all start? Come with me as we travel back 40 years to enjoy the earliest Garfield comic strips.
 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 21 July 2018

Week 48 - The Grambler and the hosepipe


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

News must have been a bit thin on the ground this week. Well, the World Cup and Wimbledon were finished, Donald fart had left the UK and nobody had resigned from the Tory party. What could the newshounds from the British Broadcorping Casteration sniff out? (Do you see what I did there?) What was the most important news in the whole world? According to the Beeb it was a hosepipe ban. That was the main story. A hosepipe ban, for goodness' sake. To explain, that doesn't mean that hosepipes themselves were illegal. That would be silly. But actually using them will soon be illegal, which isn't silly... or is it?

It wasn't to apply throughout the country either, just in the north west of England. Why is that deemed to be newsworthy?

There has been no rain to speak of for months, so the level of water in the reservoirs is getting low. That much is obvious, so restricting the wastage of water makes perfect sense to most people. Most people, that is, except the numpties at the Beeb Beeb Ceeb.

The problem for the Beeb when they ran the ‘news’ story was that nobody was particularly bothered by the fact. They interviewed a few people and not one of them was in the least bit fazed about not being able to use a hosepipe. Why would they be? They could still water the garden using a watering can or wash the car using a bucket of water. Apart from the convenience of being able to use a hosepipe, there was no change.

The Beeb must have been a bit disappointed that no-one shared its annoyance.

But wait. There's more. And this was why I wondered whether the banning of using a hose was silly. Reporting the matter was daft enough; but even dafter was that the ban doesn't come into effect until the 5th of August. And? Those people who currently use their hose have another fortnight to waste water... 'Well I may as well give the grass a good soaking while I'm at it.' And human nature being what it is, I am pretty certain that those who don't currently use a hosepipe will immediately think... 'Oh no, there's going to be a hosepipe ban soon, I'd better start using a hosepipe in case I'm missing out on something.'

Just you watch, the shrinking water stocks will shrink even faster over the next couple of weeks... And I'll wager that Argos will run out of hosepipes pretty quickly as those people who don't own a hosepipe buy one just so that they can waste water like everyone else.
 
Too literal?
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 21st of July? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Paul Reuter 1816 (Newshound.), C. Aubrey Smith 1863 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Ernest Hemingway 1899 (Orfer who spent a lot of time in Cuba, indeed the owners of just about every bar in Havana claim that he drank in their establishment. And they may well be telling the truth.), Marshall McLuhan 1911 (Orfer. I haven’t really heard of him, other than he was namechecked in this.), Isaac Stern 1920 (Fiddler. Have another clip.  Here's some Saint-Saens.  [Not for me; I've just eaten. - Ed.] Errz iss week’s bit of cult’yur fur yeez.), John Horsley 1920 (Ectaw. Reginald Perrin’s doctor.), Kay Starr 1922 (Chanter. Here’s Kay in 1983 with her 1956 hit Rock and Roll Waltz.), Mollie Sugden 1922 (Go-to comedy actress. Forever having problems with her pussy.), Queenie Watts 1923 (Ectress from Lahndon, ennit. Gor blimey!  Let's ev anavver clip.), Don Knotts 1924 (Comedian, it says here.), Paul Burke 1926 (Actor and rhyming slang.), Norman Jewison 1926 (Film director.), Bill Pertwee 1926 (Comedy actor. Hodges in Dad’s Army.), Jonathan Miller 1934 (Doctor, theatre and opera director, ectaw, orfer, television presenter and humorist... in fact, a right old smarty boots.), Kim Fowley 1939 (Musician and manager of the Runaways. Have a trip... sorry... clip.  Hmm.), Henry McCullough 1943 (Geetarist. Here’s he is telling us that he holds a driving licence.), Barry Richards 1945 (Sarth Ifrican creekutty blake.), Cat Stevens aka Yusuf Islam 1948 (Musician. Have a clip. Here’s a piece of film he might rather forget.), Robin Williams 1951 (Comedian, it says here.), Ross Kemp 1964 (Ectaw... You slehhhg.), Sarah Waters 1966 (Orfer.), Paul Casey 1977 (Golfy bloke.), Josh Hartnett 1978 (Actor.), Damien Marley 1978 (Singer/songwriter. Time for another clip? Here’s Living It Up.), Gary Teale 1978 (Footy bloke.), Paloma Faith 1981 (Singer/songwriter. Here’s her biggest hit to date... You have been warned.) and Chris Gunter 1989 (pĂȘl-droediwr.).
 
I've received a letter...
 
Dear Kate Grumble,
We are big fans of the songstress Paloma Faith and have all her singles and her first three albums.  We haven't got her most recent one yet and would like to buy it, but neither of us can remember the title.  Can you help.
Yours affectionately,
D. Ark, E. Tekt.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. Nothing to report from last week as thegrambler.com was published too late to place a bet. So what has The Grambler randomly selected for us this week?

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Newbury - 4.10 - Wise Counsel - 4/6

Lingfield - 8.15 - Good Fortune - Evens

Haydock - 6.30 - Line of Duty - 8/13

Haydock - 7.00 - Salsabeel - 8/13

Haydock - 8.30 - Boundary Lane - 10/11

The selections have been made. All races take place on Saturday the 21st of July. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee each way accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£9.95

 

How unwhopping is that?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which World Cup golden boot winner scored the most goals en route to winning his metallic footwear. The answer was Frenchman Just Fontaine who scored 13 goals in the 1958 World Cup finals.

One for this week? Another World Cup question... Sort of. Way back in 1994 Engerland didn’t qualify for the World Cup finals. A team which didn’t qualify in 2018 pipped them for a place. That team was the Netherlands and it was unusual because it featured two sets of brothers. Can you name them? Easy peasy?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Sir Jonathan of Miller. He became famous in the early 1960s when he co-wrote and performed in Beyond the Fringe with Alan Bennett, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. It is widely regarded as being the show that started the so-called satire boom of the 60s. What better to finish this week’s (g)ramble than that very show?  Ladeez and Genullum please enjoy Behind the Fridge.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Monday 16 July 2018

Week 47 - It's the late late Grambler show


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Hello folks. You must be wondering what happened to your weekly dose of random gramblings (or grandom ramblings if you prefer), well, there is a very good reason for this week’s late late posting. I wanted to include the biggest story of the week?

What could that be, I hear you ask. Could it be England’s footy team reaching the semi-final of the World Cup before anyone rumbled that they were pretty useless? Nope. Not a big enough story.

Could it be the story of Donald Fart visiting Britain to a rapturous welcome? [Do I detect a touch of sarcasm? - Ed.] Well, Mr Fart thinks that everyone in the UK, Ireland and Scotland (his geography mixup, not mine) likes him a lot. That was obvious by the warm welcome of a re-worded version of Hey Baby Ooh! Ahh! Hopefully, anyone reading this who doesn’t approve of swearing [Surely, nobody. - Ed.] won’t be able to make out that last word of the chant.

Anyway, that’s still not the biggest story of the week.

The biggest story was that the annual Tea for Stewart took place on Saturday.

This was the fifth such event run by Mrs G. Normally, she holds the afternoon tea in our back garden with four sittings of 25 or so people at each. Last year, however, it was becoming a little too successful, with 43 people being present at one of the sittings. She felt that this year, although she didn’t want to lose the garden party atmosphere, a different venue had to be considered.

Other factors also had to be taken into account apart from the large number of folk attending. What if the weather was foul? We already had to put gazebos up to shelter folk from the odd wee shower, but what if the whole thing had to be moved indoors? While my garden might be just about large enough to take 43 people, my living room certainly isn’t.

We already had to borrow boxes of cups and saucers from our local church, as well as several large tables. Those tables were huge, as well. We had to enlist the help of somebody with a very large estate car to transport them. Also, we borrowed a gazebo from the church... Hang on a mo... Why are we carting all this heavy stuff from the church? Why not actually hold the event in the church and be done with it?

So, this year, that is exactly what we did.

Apart from not being able to sit out in the open air, there were no drawbacks to the plan. In fact, there were plenty of advantages. The church hall could comfortably seat 96 people, so Mrs G could have just two sittings, instead of the previous four. The church kitchen is bigger than that in our wee hoose, so more space to make up sarnies. It was the perfect solution.

Yep. Perfect. What could possibly go wrong?

120 people turning up for the first sitting, that’s what. Attendance is regulated by Mrs G who had a list of those planning to come to each sitting. She knew of about 80 for the first sitting. 120? How could she have got it so wrong? 50% more than expected? What she hadn’t, and couldn’t have, accounted for were those folk who had told her weeks ago that they ‘might make it’ but had never contacted her to say they were definitely coming. Nor could she have considered those that said they were coming with a friend but actually turned up with three friends. There were also those who had changed their minds about which sitting they would go to and, instead of coming along at 4.00pm came to the 1.30 session. Arrrggghhh!

Then there were those who simply turned up because they had heard about something taking place in the church. This was brought home to Mrs G when she spotted a woman sitting by herself. Mrs G didn’t know the woman and the woman didn’t know who Mrs G was or why she was raising money for the Bobby Moore Fund. When Mrs G explained about it being a Tea for Stewart, the woman hadn’t even heard of Stewart or our reason for holding the event. Double Arrrggghhh!

Thankfully, we managed to cram everyone into the hall and all those present enjoyed some fine victuals.

Just how successful was this year’s event? Well, two years ago, a terrific total of £1456 was raised. Last year, an even better total of £1920 found its way to the fund. This year? Are you ready for this? The total amount raised for the Bobby Moore Fund is...
 

£2156
 

... and counting.

Terrific or what?

You can see how our fundraising is progressing at the Justgiving page already quoted... https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3. If you are feeling generous and wish to donate to the fund, please do. Every penny raised goes straight to the Bobby Moore Fund to help in the research for better treatments and, one day perhaps, a cure to the b*st*rd*ng horrible disease that is bowel cancer.

I like to think that Stewart (the founder of this wonderful blog) would be pleased that we are doing our bit by raising funds for the charity which he said was close to his heart and his bowels.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 14th of July? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Gustav Klimt... I said Klimt... 1862 (Symbolist painter. His 1907 portrait Adele Bloch-Bauer I sold in 2006 for $135 million; the highest price paid for any painting at that time. $135 million?! It’s a fn painting, that’s all! The words sense, money and more come to mind.), Dave Fleischer 1894 (Animator.), Gerald Finzi 1901 (Composer. Time for a clip? Why not. Here’s Eclogue for piano and strings. A wee bit of cult’yur fur yeez therr.), George Tobias 1901 (Ectaw. Abner Kravitz in Bewitched. That was him.), Irving Stone 1903 (Orfer. Wrote Lust for Life. [What, the Iggy Pop song? - Ed.]), William Hanna 1910 (Animator.), Woody Guthrie 1912 (Singer/songwriter. Another clip? Here’s his best-known toon. [I had a woody guthrie once. Very painful. - Ed.]), Gerald Ford 1913 (President of the good ol’ U. S. of A. At the time, was considered to be a bit dim... then came Reagan, and Dubya and Trump. In retrospect, Ford looks like a genius.), Ingmar Bergman 1918 (Film director.), Dale Robertson 1923 (Ectaw. Ben Calhoun in The Iron Horse. That was him.), Harry Dean Stanton 1926 (Ectaw. In a career lasting 60 years appeared in over 100 fims.), William Rees-Mogg 1928 (The cat in the Meg and Mogg books.), Sue Lawley 1946 (TV presenter. She had a song written especially for her. ), Bruce Oldfield 1950 (Mike’s dad. Not really. Makes clothes.), Kyle Gass 1960 (A bit of Tenacious D. Another clip, methinks. Time for a tribute.), Howard Webb 1971 (Footy referee.) and David Mitchell 1974 (Comedy bloke.).
 
Dib, dib... urmm... dib.
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Rubbish. Not a penny back.

There is no bet this week as we are so late with the posting, so The Grambler can rest his/her/its processor.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you how many times have all four semi-finalists been from Europe. The answer, including this year’s competition, is five times. For a bonus, I asked you, prior to this years competition, when was the last occasion it had happened. The answer to that part was 2006 when Italy beat France in the final; a final that was overshadowed by this incident as Zinedine Zidane scuppers his team’s chances of winning.

One for this week? As I write this, the World Cup is over with France beating Croatia 4-2 to win the final. This tournament’s golden boot winner, Michael Caine, received his award having scored fewer goals than the recipient who scored the most goals ever en route to collecting the trophy. Your teaser is, who was that man and how many goals did he score?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Mr D. Mitchell and his (occasional) comedy partner Mr R. Webb who provide us with our finishing clip. Please enjoy my favourite sketch from That Mitchell and Webb Look...  Are we the baddies?

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 7 July 2018

Week 46 - The Grambler on the unkindest cut of all


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

It has been announced that, in an effort to save money, the NHS in England will no longer be carrying out unnecessary or ineffective operations. Good. I'm all for that. What is the point in having an operation that fits into either of these categories? One of those mentioned was breast reduction or augmentation. So again I say good. No more of these sex change ops on the NHS, then. All financed by us tax payers. Don't get me started.

However, some of those ops on the list are not, to my simple mind, unnecessary. One that was listed was removal of tonsils. I recall a child who aged less than ten had suffered from sore throats for years and eventually, the only solution was deemed to be an operation. Hey presto. No more sore throats. The operation proved to be both effective and necessary.

Another blacklisted operation is for carpal tunnel syndrome, or repetitive strain injury. This is a painful condition that I have myself suffered from. It is horrible. I found it impossible to sleep when I had it. Eventually, I was given an op to alleviate the problem and, hey presto once again, no more pain. Definitely another effective and necessary op in my book.

Okay, the list is qualified by the suggestion that these ops would still be carried out of there was absolutely no alternative.

Some operations make me wonder though. How about alteration to the nasal cavity to prevent snoring? Seriously. That is a procedure that is currently available. Apparently, it doesn't work.

Another procedure is for the removal of facial blemishes. Honestly, I'm not making these up.

To my mind, anything that is carried out for cosmetic reasons or where there is a problem that is not causing actual pain should be the ones that should be on the ‘now not allowed’ list. And the list should also include those procedures that can lead to complications at a later time; breast implants and gastric bands are just two examples I can think of.

Talking of breast matters. The other week I saw an elderly lady sitting in a cafe having a cup of tea and a cake with a friend. [Really? How interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] Okay, there is nothing odd about that. What I couldn't help noticing was that the lady had had one breast removed. She didn't try to hide the fact that she was distinctly lop sided. And she certainly didn't appear to be the type that was doing this to make some kind of statement. Instead, it seemed that she was comfortable with her shape and was continuing with life despite having had major surgery. Good for her, I say... and I don't mean to sound patronising by saying that. I honestly believe that she is right to avoid disguising what has happened to her; so refreshing in an age when appearance is perceived to be so important.

Apparently, the secret of good writing is to ensure that you stick with the topic and don't wander from one subject to another for no reason.

I saw a boxer the other day. The canine variety, not the bloke who commits assault and battery for a living. There was something very odd about this animal and it took me a while to work out what it was... It had a tail. That was why it looked unusual. I don't think I have ever seen a boxer without a docked (chopped off) tail before. It was the first time I have noticed an example of this breed that hadn't been cruelly mutilated.

On reading into the subject, I realised that it must have been a long time indeed since I had seen a boxer. The practice of docking tails and clipping ears, that is a procedure to force lop ears to stick up, has been banned in this country for well over ten years.

Possibly, I hadn't seen a long tailed dog because there is another suspect practice among dog breeders of breeding deformities into a particular type of dog. So it is quite possible that I have seen boxers over recent years, but they have a bob tail deformity bred into them.

Basically, it is genetic engineering.

Any road up, the practice of surgically altering a dog's appearance for supposedly aesthetic reasons is now banned because it is considered to be cruel to the animal.

A victory for common sense. Yay! Well done common sense.

Now then, let's head back to our original topic. [I wondered if there might be an explanation. - Ed.] If an unnecessary procedure on an animal has been banned for its barbarity, why is something even more barbaric and totally unnecessary still allowed for our own species?

What am I talking about? It’s an operation which wasn’t on the ‘now not allowed’ list. It bl**dy well should be, though. Circumcision, that's what I’m talking about. The unkindest cut of all, as Spike Milligan put it. I mean, cutting off part of a boy’s.... It brings tears to the eyes just thinking about it. How utterly cruel is that? There is absolutely no reason to carry out such an operation and to allow it to be done on religious grounds is the worst excuse in my book. Often, it is a procedure performed on babies only weeks old. Often, it can go horribly wrong. It is mutilation pure and simple. Why? Why is it still allowed in a so-called enlightened society?

I'll end by paraphrasing Billy Connolly and his query about why anyone would ever think to milk a cow... Who was the first person to carry out a circumcision and what on earth did he think he was doing?

 

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Were any famous or notorious people born on the 7th of July? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Gustav Mahler 1860 (Composer. Here is, perhaps, his most famous piece.  A bit of cult’yur fur yeez there.), George Cukor 1899 (Film director.), Gian Carlo Menotti 1911 (Composer. Here is our second clip of the week: a bit of Amahl and the Night Visitors. Mair cult’yur fur yeez.  [Amahl?  Wasn't he the singer with Kajagoogoo? - Ed.]), Jon Pertwee 1919 (Third incarnation of The Doctor.), Mary Ford 1924 (Mrs Les Paul. Here they are on Mockingbird Hill.), Hamish MacInnes 1930 (Mountaineer. [Don’t talk daft. Mountains don’t have ears. - Ed.]), Jo Siffert 1936 (Racey car bloke.), Ringo Starr 1940 (A Beatle. Cue Barry Cryer joke... ‘Ringo, eh? He wasn’t the best drummer in the world... He wasn’t even the best drummer in the Beatles.’  Have another clip.  Should have stuck to the drums son.), Michael Howard 1941 (Politician.), Tony Jacklin 1944 (Golfy bloke.), Glenys Kinnock 1944 (Politician’s missus.), Michael Ancram 1945 (Politician.), Shelley Duvall 1949 (Actress.) and Jeremy Kyle 1965 (TV bully.).
 
The best drummer?  Maybe.
The best singer?  Nah.
 

 

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Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Not too badly. We got a return of £5.96. Four out of five gee gees won. Yay! Can The Grambler do it again? Or could he/she/it even improve on it? [Don’t talk daft. - Ed.]

What has he/she/it come up with?

 

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Sandown - 1.30 - Narella - 9/4

Chelmsford - 1.35 - Izvestia - 11/10

Beverley - 2.35 - Thriving - 4/7

Beverley - 4.50 - Winged Spur - 4/5

Leicester - 5.10 - Makambe - 7/4

 

The selections have been made. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee each way accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£20.90

 

You are having a laugh! £20.90?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Spurs player scored a grand total of 28 goals for England. The answer won’t really surprise anyone; it was Jimmy Greaves. He was possibly the unluckiest member of the England squad that won the World Cup in 1966.

In the group stages England were drawn against Uruguay, Mexico and France with all of the games to be played at Wembley. England won the group and Jimmy Greaves started all three games. He failed to score and in the final group game, a win over France, he sustained a cut on his shin which required 14 stitches and forced him to miss the quarter-final tie against Argentina.

Geoff Hurst came into the team and scored the only goal of the game. With Greaves still out, Hurst retained his place in the semi-final win over Portugal. Jimmy Greaves was fit to play in the Final and Alf Ramsey had a decision to make. The manager opted for Hurst and with no substitutes, Jimmy Greaves was left sitting on the sidelines among the reserves.

One for this week? If you have been following the World Cup, you will be aware that all the semi-finals teams are European. Here is this week’s teaser... How many times have all four semi-finalists been from Europe? For a bonus, prior to this years competition, when was the last occasion it happened? A good one to start a discussion down the pub.

 

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As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

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And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, in a week where our birthday honours include two politicians and the wife of former Labour leader Neil Kinnock, I am indebted to a Messrs Howard and Paxman for our finishing clip.

Politicians are known for their ability to ‘twist’ information to suit their own requirements. They often refuse to answer tricky questions. Here is birthday boy Michael Howard famously evading the question put by Jeremy Paxman.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.