Saturday 27 June 2015

Week 47 - The Grambler on poohsticks


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

It’s that time of year again when the Beeb Beeb Ceeb starts its annual tennis fest.  Yes, Wimbledon fortnight is on its way.  It is one of the few big sporting tournaments that gets shown on the Beeb.  And aren’t they proud of it?  Well, they say pride comes before a fall.  Satellite TV has snapped up most of the sports which the Beeb used to cover. It won’t be long, I am thinking, until its sport output will be reduced to the boat race and nothing else…unless…

‘Well, you join us for the final of what has been, it has to be said John, a terrific Pooh sticks world championship.’

‘Absolutely John.  Although, it has to be said, it has been tarnished a little by controversy, it has to be said.’

‘Indeed, John.  As any afficianados of this great sport will know, every stick used in these championships has been manufactured to exacting standards by Britain’s foremost Pooh stick maker.  The sticks are precision made to be the same length, diameter and weight and are fashioned from wood sourced from the same oak tree.  The stick tampering incident, it has to be said, has marred an otherwise superb world championship, it has to be said.’

‘Absolutely.  And I believe the officials made the right decision to disqualify the miscreants, it has to be said, John.’

‘Indeed, John.  The question remains, how did they manage to substitute an oak stick with a lighter, it has to be said, pine stick?’

‘Absolutely, John.  It reminds me, heh heh, of the famous cheating incident of a few years back when a new course record was set which halfed the previous best time…’

‘Indeed, John.  Heh heh.  How did they ever think they would get away with using a stick made of balsa wood?’

‘Absolutely, John.  Thank goodness, for the after race stick weigh in.’

‘Indeed, John.  What do you think Britain’s chances are in this final, being up against the French, Italians and Spanish?’

‘Well, John, Britain was the second fastest qualifier so is in with a shout and start the race in lane 3.  France had the fastest qualifying time so get lane 2.  Italy and Spain take the two outer lanes of 1 and 4…’

‘The more difficult lanes, it has to be said.’

‘Absolutely, John.  The outer lanes could hinder your start in a race, because your stick could easily bump into the side as well as other sticks, it has to be said.’

‘Indeed.  Do you think this course is a little too tough?  I’m thinking of the Israelis in their heat…’

‘Yes that was unfortunate.  No course designer wants to make it so tough that competitors might not finish.  It is rare for a stick to travel for such a distance while side-on to the current, so, thankfully, we don’t often get sticks ending up lodged under a rock, it has to be said.’

‘Indeed, John.  Well, the competitors are now taking up their positions on the bridge ready to release their sticks on the starter’s gun.  Remember, the original Milne rules apply, so the player must throw his stick into the water, against the flow, and the stick must enter the water at least three feet ahead of the competitor.  Throw it too far, and you lose valuable seconds; too short, and you get a red flag from the judge and are disqualified.  The British player looks calm as the starter raises his gun and they all assume their starting position… and they’re off.  And Britain got a fantastic start there, John, it has to be said.’

‘Absolutely, John.  The British stick was the first to enter the water and couldn’t have started any better than it did.  Only half an inch over the red line.  Perfect start, it has to be said.’

‘Indeed, John.  And as the players run to the other side of the bridge to see their sticks emerge, it is the Brit who has the biggest smile as he sees his stick is the first to emerge, but there’s a long way to go, John, it has to said.’

‘Absolutely, John.  But as you say the Brit has to be the happiest man at the start of this race.  We’ll see if he is still as happy after the first obstacle.’

‘Indeed, John and the sticks are approaching that first obstacle now so it’s over to John who takes up the commentary.’

‘Thank you, John.  And here at Pooh Corner we are awaiting the arrival of the first stick.  And… yes!  It is the British stick!  Britain leads the final of the Pooh sticks world championship!  Unbelievable!  The French stick, or ‘baton’ as they prefer to call it, is now coming round and… Oh no!  Disaster!  There is a collision between the British and French sticks and both are sent spinning!  And it’s the French stick which straightens up first while the British stick is still spinning out of control!  And here come the Italian and Spanish sticks!  And the Italian stick has overtaken the British stick!  And here comes the Spanish stick!  Oh no!  Another collision, but the Spanish stick has actually stabilised the British stick which is now following the French and Italian sticks! Can it recover ground, or should I say water, before the next obstacle!  And it’s over to John at Piglet Rock.’

‘Thank you John.  And this is the rock which put paid to the Israelis’ hopes when their stick became wedged, thus taking no further part in the race.  It is a pretty difficult obstacle this one and, as the Israelis found to their cost, can alter things drastically.  And here comes the French stick, swinging nonchalently round the rock with barely any deviation to its velocity or direction.  Next is the Italian stick which approaches the rock and… I don’t believe it!  Who says lightning doesn’t strike twice?  It’s history repeating itself!  The Italian stick has stuck fast under Piglet Rock!  What a cruel end to the Italians’ hopes of a podium finish!  And as the British and Spanish sticks round the obstacle without incident, in second and third places, it’s over to John at Tigger’s Jump.’

‘Yes thank you John.  The French should have appeared by now… I’m just being told that it has hit the side of the course and is now spinning out of control!  Can the British stick catch up!  And here comes the French stick, lurching from side to side like a drunk man!  This is the last obstacle to negotiate before the finish line!  Here comes the British stick!  They are going to hit Tigger’s Jump together!  Which will hit the water on the other side first?  The French stick is still wobbling!  And as they leave the water… This is amazing!  Who would have thought it possible?  I have never seen that happen in all my years as a Pooh sticks commentator!  The sticks hit one another as they rose out of the water and have hit the water in a vertical position before settling into an A shape directly ahead of the jump!  What an end to this most exciting final!  With the Italians out and now the British and French out, the Spanish stick – the tortoise to the British, French and Italian hares – only has to finish the course!  And as it approaches the jump, it has the perfect line.  Oh, I say!  How is that for sheer cheek, if a stick can be accused of cheek?  It passes straight through the archway provided by the British and French sticks and floats triumphantly over the finish line!  So the winner – the shock winner, it has to be said - of the Pooh sticks world championship is the Spanish!  So it’s viva Espana and Ole!

And now it’s back to the studio for post race analysis.’

 

Right, I am going to talk about poo sticks.  Not Pooh sticks.  Poo sticks.  Let me explain.  Every two years those of us aged between 50 (in some areas it’s 55) and 74 (Why 74?) receive a little pack which contains a card which has three sealable sections and some little cardboard spatulas (or sticks).  Please, before reading this next bit I should warn you that this is not for the faint-hearted.  I would suggest that if you are eating anything resembling chocolate, you stop right now.

I have just received my little ‘biannual pack’ and what I am supposed to do with it is take two samples of my ‘stool’ each day for three days, smear them onto the marked sections on the card, seal the card and date the samples.  These samples then get returned to some laboratory somewhere where they are examined, by someone whose job it is to play with poo, for signs of blood, an early sign of bowel cancer.

I won’t go into any more detail than that, other than to say that two important pieces of apparatus are required when collecting said poo:  an Indian/Chinese takeaway tub and a clothes peg.  The tub is to ‘receive’ the poo and the clothes peg is to clip on to your nose.  Sorry, a third thing is required: a strong stomach.

Suffice to say, the test is worth doing, despite the unpleasantness of the task.  A few moments of heaving and retching are nothing compared to having to endure bowel cancer because you couldn’t be bothered completing the test.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Please take the time to listen to Stewart’s widow, Geraldine, who gave this interview on Radio Scotland last week.  I was so proud of her for managing to do this.


 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Right, let’s move on to the birthday honours.  Any famous folk born on the 27th of June?  Of course there were…. Catherine Cookson 1906 (Bill Bailey’s mum), Shirley Anne Field 1938 (Arthur Seaton’s girlfriend), Bruce Johnston 1942 (He writes the songs.  Don’t believe what Manilow or Cassidy tell you.), Meera Syal 1961 (Auntie Hayley), Jo Frost 1970 (Inventor of the naughty step), Tobey Maguire 1975 (Jug), Raul Gonzalez Blanco 1977 (Footy bloke), Kevin Pietersen 1980 (Controversial crickety tw*t), Khloe Kardasian 1984 (You tell me) and Nico Rosberg 1985 (Racing car-y bloke).  Hmm.  There’s only one person in amongst that lot might be able to provide us with a gramblerised toon.  Bruce Johnston.  He was with the Beach Boys on and off from the mid sixties right up to the nineties.  I could gramblerise one of his toons, but as it has been done already (see Week 41 - I Gramble songs that make the whole world sing ), I won’t bother.  What I will do, though, is give you a link to one of the most beautiful songs that the Beach Boys ever recorded (in my humble opinion); a song penned not by Brian Wilson, but by Bruce Johnston.  Ladeez and genullum, please listen to the wonderful Disney Girls (1957) Ahh…Isn't that nice?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

How did The Grambler’s predicting skills fare last week?  Well, if you treat a 43 pee return from a £2.20 bet as a win, then the answer is – We won.  If, however, you treat it as a loss of £1.77, then – We lost.  Whatever, he/she/it really should pull his/her/its random number generator socks up.  Let’s see what this week’s random choices are…


Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds

Newcastle           1.25            Geno                             6/4

Newmarket        2.15            Gospel Choir               Evens

Windsor              4.30            Ya Latif                       6/4

Newmarket        4.35            Richard of Yorke        6/4

Lingfield             5.45            Comedy Night             6/4


…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…


£27.12

That is a big total, will we get that elusive big win this week?  Hmm… Don’t hold your breath.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

It’s Teaser time.  Yay!  Last week I asked you which is the only current Football Conference League club to have played in the top flight of English football?  The answer is Grimsby Town who over the history of the Football League have spent 12 seasons in the top league, although the last season they were in Division 1 was 1947-48.

Okay, what about a wee teaser for this week?  What do the following ‘shirts’ have in common?  West Ham’s No. 6, Man City’s No. 23 and Chelsea’s No. 25?  Hmm, very interesting.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Ms M. Syal and friends who here take the very British tradition of going for an Indian meal after a night on the pi** and turn it on its head.  Please enjoy this clip from the sketch show Goodness Gracious Me

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 20 June 2015

Week 46 - The Grambler on mispronounced words


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Hello all you lovely people out there in Grambleland, are you well?  Good. Pleased to hear it. 
What is this week's topic?  I was sitting in a cafe recently, drinking an expresso coffee, and recalling quite pacifically a recent talk about Prostrate cancer.
Okay, okay. Hands up.  I wasn't sitting in any such place thinking of any such conversation, I just began this week's Grambler by making reference to a particular gripe of mine. Incorrect use of words; or rather, use of incorrect words.  I have used three of the most common instances in that one sentence at the end of the last paragraph.
So many people fall into the trap.  It isn't expresso, it is espresso. It isn't pacifically, it is specifically.  It isn't prostrate cancer, it is prostate cancer. 

I find myself having to bite my tongue, sometimes.  I recently heard somebody saying they were pursuing a book?  Yes, I have honestly heard that one.  Of course the person meant perusing a book.  Do you tell them?  Of course not; that would be rude.
I recall a manager of mine at work used the word pacifically all the time instead of specifically.  It left us underlings with something of a dilemma.  Was he saying it deliberately to test us?  Perhaps he wanted someone to pick up on his mistake.  Maybe that person would then be earmarked for the next big promotion.  Or was he saying it to see who would question his use of the word thereby testing to see if anybody was a smartarse?  Was he saying, yes I know I am using the incorrect word, which of you lot is brave enough to question me?  There is a third possibility... He was a bit thick.  Whatever.  Nobody ever questioned his use of the word, so we never knew whether he said it deliberately or not.  I eventually worked out that the third option was more likely to be the correct one when he was announcing upcoming redundancies and was using the analogy of chess when addressing his staff... 'The situation is outwith our control; we are just prawns in a game of chess.' Prawns, indeed. Strupid pick!
Before you write in and complain about my use of the word outwith, I would just like to point out that it is a word used in
Scotland to mean outside of or beyond.
It seems a useful word to me. Don't know why other English speakers around the world haven't adopted it. 
As I write this, I am reminded of some unusual word uses when it comes to the bible and religion.  I am sure you are all aware of the misheard lyric to the song lord of the dance.  You do know it... Dance, dance wherever you may be.  I am the lord of the dance settee.  Richard Herring liked it and uses it as the title of his current live show.  Similarly, The Flint Street Nativity made a gag of the hymn line 'round yon virgin' with one of the characters convinced it was about someone called round John Virgin. Oh how we laughed.
The joke of that brilliant Christmas show was that the lines were being spoken by 6 year olds, even though the actors were all adults.  It is a part of my Christmas ritual to watch it and it always makes me laugh.
Any road up, when I was very young and made to sing hymns and recite the lord's prayer I misunderstood expressions in the same way.  Getting back to the word outwith [Thank goodness for that. You're rambling. - Ed.] I was always confused by the Easter hymn with the lines 'there is a green hill far away without a city wall.' I always wondered why a hill far away would ever have a wall around it in the first place.  Nothing special about a green hill without a wall.  Of course I eventually worked out that what was meant was that this particular hill was outside the walled city.  Ah... Now I understand.  Why not use the word outwith?  Much simpler.
My biggest misunderstanding was with the Lord's Prayer which we recited at the start of every school day from the age of 5 onwards.  'Our father' - God, obviously - 'who art in heaven' - he lives in heaven, yes, got that - 'hallowed be thy name' - all right, odd name but no problem with that.  Eventually we come to the bit that says, 'thy will be done' - erm... Now I'm lost. I can cope with you being called Harold and living in heaven, but thy will be done?
'Okay God, you'd better watch it or I'll give thy a doing. Oh yes. Thy will definitely be done.'
Don't be ridiculous, you are probably thinking, but when I was six years of age it made sense to me; I'd watched enough episodes of Z Cars with villains threatening a person with a doing.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the plot...
Espresso.  Getting the name of a small dose of exceedingly strong coffee wrong is another common one that catches folk out.  Expresso doesn't sound incorrect, does it?  It is a small measure of coffee which one can drink quickly... or expressly of you like.  So I think folk who use the wrong word can be forgiven... As long as they don't do it too often.
But prostrate cancer? Again it's a simple enough mistake; only one letter is different.  However, surely anyone who has prostate cancer knows that the problem has nothing to do with lying face down. Although, when one considers the initial test for it, it perhaps isn't so odd that the wrong word is used. One might well be lying face down when the doc dons his marigolds and... Let's leave it there, shall we?
Another one that annoys me is when sports commentators talk about a player being pressurised.  No. The word you are looking for here is pressured or pressed, not pressurised.  You pressurise fluids or gases, not people. If you pressurise a human being, I hate to think of the resulting mess. Union reps like that one too. Remember the redundancy thing I mentioned earlier?  Well the company went into receivership.  Our union rep announced that he would not be pressurised into accepting the company's offer and that management were wrong to threaten that the company would be liquidised.  It sounds made up, but that honestly happened.  He also called people who made allegations 'alligators'.

Footballers also use the pressurised one as in, ‘De lads was being pressurized early doors.’  Early doors?  When did that expression worm its way into the language?  We know what it means, but the two words together are just nonsensical, if you think about it.  Any road up, I digress.  Footballers are always a good source of misused words.  One I heard recently was, ‘De gaffer has installed a great work ethic in de lads.’  Instilled, you fool!  Instilled!
Medical matters often throw up some interesting misuses of words.  I recall my old father in law explaining that he had to have a taffeta (fancy dress material) fitted.  Of course he meant 'catheter' which most definitely isn't fancy dress material.
I don't want to sound judgemental here, but as I read through what I have written it certainly looks that way.  I say words incorrectly too.  Everyone does. The advantage I have here is that I can read through and correct as I go.  You don't have that advantage when you are addressing someone face to face.
Some examples of using the wrong word can be quite amusing though....
I recall a lady getting off an aeroplane and saying, 'It's nice to be back on terracotta.'
My favourite?
A lady was daydreaming and was given a surprise as someone spoke to her.  'Didn't you see me?' asked the other.  'No,' said the woman, 'I'm not flamboyant, you know.'

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Any birthdays to mention this week?  Indeed there are.  Jacques Offenbach 1819 (Composer who sometimes believed he was a dog), Errol Flynn 1909 (Ectaw with a huge reputation), Johnny Morris 1916 (Zookeeper who talked to the animals), Ronald Hines 1919 (Married to Wendy Craig, you know), Chet Atkins 1924 (Guitar-playing dietician), Audie Murphy 1925 (Him and John Wayne won the war, you know), Martin Landau 1928 (Ectaw with a fold-down hood), Wendy Craig 1934 (Married to Ronald Hines, you know), Lionel Richie 1949 (Hello), John Goodman 1952 (Married to Wilma Flintstone, you know), Alan Longmuir 1953 (The sacked Bay City Roller), Elen Limb 1954 (Sarth Ifrikeen Creekuttuh), Peter Reid 1956 (Oh what can it mean?), John Taylor 1960 (Barbarella baddie), Nicole Kidman 1967 (Wasn’t she married to that little bloke?  Robbie Williams), Frank Lampard 1978 (Footie bloke) and Leah Stoddart 2002 (Happy birthday from The Grambler).

Now then, who, amongst that lot, can give us a toon to gramblerise?  I think the chorus to one of Mr Richie’s hits would be the ideal candidate…


Oh, what a feeling
When we're grambling on the ceiling
Oh, what a feeling
When we're grambling on the ceiling
Oh, what a feeling
When we're grambling on the ceiling
Oh, what a feeling
When we're grambling on the ceiling


… Then again, perhaps not.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Right then, let’s have a bit of grambling.  I do apologise to those of you who like to gramble along every week.  The Grambler has been AWOL these past couple of weeks, but now he/she/it is back and raring to go.  So which five gee gees has The Grambler predicted will win today (Saturday 20th June)?

 

Meeting – Time – Horse – Odds

Newmarket        2.45            Paris Snow                  10/11

Redcar                4.30            Frontier Fighter         Evens

Down Royal       4.45            Selskar Abbey             Evens

Haydock             6.15            Love on the Rocks     6/4

Lingfield             7.00            Mister Brightside        1/9

 

There you have it my little gramblerinis.  The Grambler has randomly chosen and, should all those predictions be correct, the Bobby Moore Fund will be increased by a magnificent…

£11.35

Hmm… It might have been a more substantial figure had The Grambler not picked that last donkey at Lingfield.  Nine to one on?  Pathetic.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Okay everybody… It’s teaser time.  Yay!  Three weeks ago I asked you which club was the first to be relegated from the English top division.  The answer is Stoke who stayed in the top flight for only two seasons before the were relegated.  They were bottom in the first season as well, but probably weren’t relegated because there was not a second tier at the time. 

Incidentally, Sunderland were the team to replace Stoke in the top flight.  That was for season 3 (1890-91).  They finished seventh out of  twelve that year, but won the league outright in seasons 4, 5 and 7 and they were second to Aston Villa in season 6.  Not a bad start to the Black Cats’ time in the top league.

What about a wee teaser for this week, then?  How about this one?  Which is the only current Football Conference League club to have played in the top flight of English football?  That’s one to ask them down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr R. Waring who penned the 1960s sitcom Not in Front of the Children  Difficult to work out what was tickling the audience’s funny bones in this two minute clip of what passed for comedy in the late 1960s.  Ye gods and little fishes!  This was a top-rated show watched by over 10 million viewers.  I can only imagine that folk were more easily amused in those days.  Is that Ian Lavendar (who later played Private Pike in Dad’s Army) in that removals van?  The mum and dad in the programme were the ectaws who shared the same birthday - Mr Hines and Ms Craig.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 12 June 2015

Week 45 - Grambling with friends


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .




If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997


He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…



Ai vig razeed oca eses lenos jetes darkle tost pima resh chi att qis scutes vig dit na ne coir gid alp oud xis sidh biface jole od la lex ziti plew shog yerba maist fets.
Erm... Wise words, mate.
You are probably wondering what is going on.  What is this strange language at the beginning of this week's (g)ramble?  Is it some rare tongue now spoken by only a handful of people who live in the recesses of a jungle in some newly discovered corner of darkest (insert wilderness of choice here)? Is it perchance the language spoken by some alien race in the latest (insert sci fi/fantasy movie franchise of choice here) blockbuster?
Wrong. I play an on line scrabble game called - so as not to infringe scrabble copyright - Words with Friends.  Apart from a letter or two having a different value and the triple word squares being in a different place, it is identical to scrabble.  You can play people all over the world should you want.  You can even play solo games against the computer.  This is where the bit of text that I began with comes from.  Sorry pardon excuse me?  Have you ever seen any of those words before?  No, neither have I.  Those words have all been played by the computer against me in the game of 'Words with Friends'.  In its world these words apparently exist.  Don't ask me what they mean, but they always seem to get played when there is a triple score to be had.  Unfair I calls it.
However, there are many words which the game will not accept.  Words that might be considered racist or sexist are not allowed.  For example, don't try putting jew or jewish, they are not acceptable.  However, the more derogatory term yid is.  Dago is however not acceptable.  I know.  I tried putting it.  Stupid game.  I tried to play the word 'fag' - a word that, as far as Iam concerned, means cigarette.  Not allowed.  Presumably because in the good old US of A, which I am assuming is where the game originates, the word fag is a derogatory term for homosexual.  Don't try putting sweary words either.  F*** and c***, both good old Anglo Saxon words, are forbidden.  So it came as a surprise when I recently had a selection of letters that, had such a word existed, would have spelled out swanker.  According to WWF (That's Words with Friends, in case you were wondering) that word does not exist.  I was certain that I could use all the letters, but what word would fit?  Surely not w*nkers.  If f*** and c*** were out surely I wouldn't be allowed that one.  I tried it anyway and guess what; WWF accepted it.  I have no idea what it means in the good ol US of A, but I suspect that, like fag, it is different to its meaning in Britain.

Once again I have to report that this week's edition of thegrambler.com is a leaner version than usual.  There are no birthdays, no gramblerised toon, no teaser question or answer and no predictions from The Grambler.  Why?  Once again this is due to me having to utilise a tablet rather than a laptop to compose this drivel.  It is my excise for the layout being a bit haywire.  Rest assured, once the laptop is up and running normal service will be resumed [Shame. - Ed.].

Readers of this wunnerful blog may remember the gramblerplan diet (The diet that really works).  Well, in the next week or two Mrs G and I will be restarting it.  Unfortunately, those pounds that we shed last year have somehow found their way back.  So, all of you tubby folk out there can join us in losing weight while giving to the Bobby Moore Fund.  How?  Simply, lose weight the gramblerplan way, have a weekly weigh-in and donate one pound to the fund for every pound you lose.  How's that for an incentive to lose weight?  Not very good, you say?  Well, the even better incentive is that if, during the time you are on the diet, you have gained weight you are penalised by having to donate two pounds to the fund for every pound you gain.  So, are you with us?  No! We're with the Woolwich!  Ah that takes me back.  How does the gramblerplan diet (the diet that really works) help you lose weight?  Simple.  Eat less and exercise more.  Each week I will be happy to impart my wonderful advice on ways to help you lose weight.
[Hang on.  If you have been on this diet thing already, why do you need to go on it again? - Ed.]
Erm... Because I stopped following my own advice.  That, and eating too much.
Any road up.  Lots of famous people have lost weight the gramblerplan way.  Here are just a couple of recommendations...

I went on the gramblerplan diet and I can't believe how many pounds I lost - N. Leeson

I went on the gramblerplan diet and lost a stone - A. Hitler

There you are.  Excellent recommendations, I think you will agree.  So come on everyone, let's all lose weight together and donate those pounds to the Bobby Moore Fund via the just giving page quoted earlier - https://www.just giving.com/Geraldine-Smith3/
You know it makes sense.








Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

Friday 5 June 2015

Week 44 - The Grambler on the number 18 bus

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .


If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997


 He began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…


It really does annoy me that there are people doing a job that involves interacting with the public who have the social skills of 
Basil Fawlty.   Yes I am talking about you the driver of the number 18 bus which passed me this afternoon.  Short of waving semaphore flags, I did everything to attract his attention, but did he stop?  Did he f... No he didn't.  There was I, standing at the bus stop getting soaked to the skin... Did I mention it was raining? Well it was.  Absolutely chucking it down.  Anyway, I was standing at the bus stop... the clue is in the name... bus stop... a place where buses stop... frantically waving my arms about to let the driver know that I wanted to get on, but he just sailed by.  In fact, I reckon he put his foot down and actually accelerated as he went by... a metaphorical (That's a good word, I must look it up.) two fingers to the bedraggled creature apparently trying to take flight at the bus stop.  In fact, I am certain he grinned maniacally at me as he drove by.  Although I may have imagined that bit.
Why do they give jobs that deal with the public to people like that?  You drive a bus, therefore you should stop to pick up passengers.  Passengers who pay money to use this service, I should add.  Do you know what bus driver Basil?  The more money you take in, the more money your employer will get.  Maybe they would even be able to give you the occasional pay rise, you SHORT SIGHTED CU.... [Steady on now. -Ed.]
I think they should toughen up the exam that determines who becomes a bus driver...
Section 1
Vehicle road worthiness
Question 1
A driver should check the wheels
a) Have the correct pressure in the tyres and have all bolts tightened to the correct torque setting.
b) Go round and round
Question 2
A driver should check the horn
a) Is operational
b) Goes beep beep beep
Question 3
A driver should ensure that the windscreen wipers
a) Are operational and that the washer reservoir is full
b) Go swish swish swish

Section 2
Passenger comfort
Question 1
A driver should ensure that the passengers on the bus
a) Are seated when the bus is moving
b) Go up and down
Question 2
A driver should ensure that any infants
a) Are securely strapped into their buggies and that the buggies are placed in a position which does not hinder other passengers
b) Go wah wah wah
Question 3
A driver should ensure that mothers carrying babies
a) Are seated comfortably beside the child's buggy
b) Go shh shh shh
Question 4
A driver should ensure that any juveniles on the bus
a) Use seat belts (if provided)
b) Go chatter chatter chatter

Caution: Drivers must not refer to their bus by anything other than its number and should not give it a name (eg. Bertie) and should not indulge in activities other than carrying passengers in safety and must not under any circumstances endeavour to race other forms of passenger carrying transport (eg. blue tank engines).


This is a truncated edition of The Grambler. Why?  Unfortunately, I am composing this on my tablet rather than my laptop, which is unwell.  Hopefully it will be feeling better next week.
Any road up, there will be no bet placed this week.  Sorry to disappoint those of you who like to follow The Grambler's advice [Are you mad? - Ed.].
I will, though, tell you what happened to last week's bet.  We got some money, indeed most of our money, back.  From our £2.20 stake we got a return of £2.14. Okay, so it is still a loss, but an improvement on some weeks.




Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

Happy (non)grambling.