Post 421 - The Grambler remembers Sean Lock

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Story time...

As regular readers of the world's greatest ill-informed blog know, I am not the greatest fan of (anti)social media. I use Farcebook and Twatter each week simply to inform my loyal followers (How are you both, by the way?) of this week's topic. Other than that, I rarely make any comments at all. On anniversaries relating to the blog's founder, Stewart, I would put a memory or two on, but that is, basically, it.

I have noticed that one or two of my ‘friends’ have decided to leave Farcebook and it comes as no surprise to me. Many people are turning their backs on social media citing it as being dangerous because it records and stores everything you ever write on it. Recently, a couple of England cricketers were hauled over the coals because of racist comments they had made years before. All because some nosey individual had deemed it important to trawl through years' worth of comments.

Don't just think famous people are subjected to such scrutiny. Oh no. Even ordinary folk might suffer...

'Thank you for coming today. Your cv looks most impressive.'

'Thank you.'

'However, your dislike of the government is less so.'

'Pardon?'

'Yes, a Facebook entry from 2004 describes Tony Blair as, and I quote, 'a big jobby'.'

'I was seven! And he was a big jobby. '

'I would also draw your attention to racist remarks you made in 2007.'

'What?'

'In an online discussion about the re-formation of the pop group, the Spice Girls, between yourself and your peers, you were suggesting that Victoria Beckham was too thin...'

'Well, she is thin. That's not racist.'

'You then informed your friends that the only good looking Spice Girl was, and I'm quoting again, 'the black one; the rest are mingers'.'

'I couldn't remember her name. Anyway, why is that racist if I said I preferred her?'

'The word black. Not allowed.'

'I was ten for goodness' sake!'

'No excuse. And what about your communist leanings?'

'What communist leanings?'

'In 2015 you intimated that you and friends were considering the overthrow of the government so that communism could prevail.'

'I don't recall any such thing.'

'You don't remember, I'm quoting again, 'It will be great when we are in halls of residence at the uni. We can do as we like without any interference from parents. Our own wee commune... Yee f****** hah!'?'

'We were 18; it was our first taste of freedom.'

'Freedom? Anarchy, more like. All this is bad enough, but it is your dishonesty which really worries me.'

'Dishonest? I don't understand.'

'Just last year, at the start of the lockdown when everyone was joining in with the 'my favourite whatever trend' you cited Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd as your favourite album...'

'Yes it is.'

'And yet, in 2006, according to your Facebook account, your favourite album was something called High School Musical... How do you explain that one away? '

'Oh, this is ridiculous. I can hardly have an informed musical opinion at nine years old... Do you know what? You can stick your job. I didn't want to work in McDonald's anyway.'

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 21st of August? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

William Murdoch 1754 - Engineer and inventor.

William IV 1765 - The well-known king.

Aubrey Beardsley 1872 - Illustrator.

Claude Grahame-White 1879 - Pioneer aviator. Competed in a Daily Fail prize of £10,000 to fly from London to Manchester. That is worth £1.2 million today. He did win a lesser prize at a Midlands Aviation Meeting... only £1,000 though (£120,000 in today’s money... still, not bad).

Geoffrey Keen 1916 - Actor. Played the Minister of Defence in several of the James Bond films.

Christopher Robin Milne 1920 - Son of A.A. and inspiration for... can you guess which character?

Barry Foster 1927 - Actor. The original Van der Valk in the series of that name... You know, the one who drove the little DAF.

Tony Steedman 1927 - Actor. Socrates in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Him.

Chris Brasher 1928 - Affleticky bloke.

Princess Margaret 1930 - The well-known sister of Betty.

Barry Norman 1933 - Film critic and presenter. And why not.

Janet Baker 1933 - Rerr chanter. Time for a bit of cultyer. Here’s a bit of Samson et Dalila.

Frances Cuka 1936 - Actress. Ethel Cratchit in Scrooge (1970). Her.

Donald Dewar 1937 - Politician. Scotland’s first First Minister. [Eh? - Ed.]

Howard Lew Lewis 1941 - Actor. Elmo in Brush Strokes. Him.

Glenn Hughes 1951 - Musician. One-time Deep Purple bassist. Here is a toon he played on, Mistreated.

John Mellor, better known as Joe Strummer 1952 - A bit of The Clash. Time for a clip. Here’s their first hit, White Riot.

Kim Cattrall 1956 - Actress. Samantha Jones in Sex and the City. Her.

Peter Clark, better known as Budgie 1957 - Musician. Worked with Siouxsie Sioux on various projects including The Creatures. Have a clip. Here he is giving it laldy on the drums on Mad Eyed Screamer.

Ben Onwukwe 1957 - Actor. Stuart ‘Recall’ McKenzie in London’s Burning. Him.

Jimmy Hughes 1958 - Musician. Started his recording career with The Banned. Here’s their top 30 hit Little Girl.

Kate Robbins 1958 - Comedian, actress, singer and songwriter.

Anne Hobbs 1959 - Tennisy bloke.

Nigel Pearson 1963 - Footy bloke.

Dina Carroll 1968 - Singer. Here’s one of her many hits, Don't Be A Stranger.

Liam Howlett 1971 - Musician. A bit of Prodigy. Here’s Warrior's Dance.

Paul Chowdhry 1974 - Comedian.

Paul Ritchie 1975 - Fitba guy.

Laura Haddock 1985 - Actress. Zoe Walker in White Lines. Her.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Liam Gramblett,

It was great hearing a track from The Prodigy. I recall that one being a top ten single from the album Invaders Must Die. Wasn’t there another top ten single taken from that album?

Yours quizzically,

O. Menn.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? We won. Really. All five Grambler predictions were spot on. I know. I can’t believe it either. Our £2.20 bet won us the grand total of £13.42. Yay! Yay indeed. What happened? Read on.

 

 

Everton vs Southampton - Home win

Result - Everton 3 Southampton 1

Yay!

Michael ‘Awfy’ Keane gifted an opener for Saints’ Adam ‘Stretch’ Armstrong as he latched on to Che ‘Grizzly’ Adams' ball to curl into the top corner.

Everton struggled for the rest of the first half, but ‘Ricky’ Richarlison was brought on up front for the second half, which paid off immediately after as he poked home from Andros ‘Pete’ Townsend's header.

Everton, who were without the isolating James ‘Dave’ Rodriguez, then sent their fans delirious with two goals in the space of five minutes.

First, Abdoulaye ‘Lino’ Doucoure turned in the penalty box before smashing into the top corner. Then, Richarlison crossed for Dominic ‘Nickel’ Calvert-Lewin to score with a diving header at the near post.

 

Barnsley vs Coventry - Home win

Result - Barnsley 1 Coventry 0

Yay!

Dominik ‘Cumming’ Frieser slotted past Simon ‘Roger’ Moore after being played in by Romal ‘Patsy’ Palmer and the Tykes held out despite some intense pressure from the Sky Blues.

Viktor ‘Meldrew’ Gyokeres hit the crossbar with a first-half effort as he slid in to meet a cross from the left and, following the interval, Coventry defender Michael ‘Boat’ Rose saw a header cleared off the line by Cauley ‘Flower’ Woodrow.

A foul on Jamie ‘Dave’ Allen led to Coventry being awarded an added-time penalty, but Brad ‘Pit’ Collins made a superb save to keep out the spot-kick by Gyokeres.

 

Middlesbrough vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Bristol City 1

Yay!

Debut goals from Uche Ikpeazu and Matt Crooks earned Middlesbrough a first league win of the season, as they beat Bristol City at the Riverside.

Uche ‘Chickpea’ Ikpeazu opened the scoring for Boro in the first half, before Andy ‘Nat’ King drew City level on the hour mark.

But Matt ‘Garth’ Crooks put his side back in the lead 10 minutes later with a simple tap-in from a Paddy ‘Wack’ McNair free-kick.

 

West Brom vs Luton - Home win

Result - West Brom 3 Luton 2

Yay!

Albion were set on their way by a comic fifth-minute headed own goal from Luton captain Kal ‘Igula’ Naismith.

Goals from strikers Callum ‘Smokey’ Robinson, in the 36th minute, and Karlan ‘Lou’ Grant, in the 66th minute, appeared to have got the job done before Harry ‘Glenn’ Cornick began the Hatters revival on 70 minutes.

The visitors then scored twice, first through Cornick and then from Pelly-Ruddock Mpanzu (Definitely cracking name of the week.) deep into stoppage time.

 

 

Lincoln vs Fleetwood - Home win

Result - Lincoln 2 Fleetwood 1

Yay!

Anthony ‘Hugh’ Scully scored twice as Lincoln City came from behind to beat Fleetwood 2-1 at the LNER Stadium.

After Danny ‘K’ Andrew put the visitors ahead, the Imps responded courtesy of Scully's brace in the final 21 minutes.

Imps keeper Josh ‘Andy’ Griffiths was kept busy in the first half, making three good saves before the visitors took the lead in spectacular fashion.

After winning a free-kick in the 32nd minute, Andrew whipped a superb effort into the top corner of the net from more than 25 yards.

Lincoln were second-best in the first half but should have taken the lead before the goal when Tom ‘Crag’ Hopper was sent clear by Scully, only to shoot straight at keeper Alex ‘Rocky’ Cairns.

Hakeeb Adelakun (Maybe that should be cracking name of the week.) was brought on at half-time and was instrumental in setting up the equaliser after 69 minutes.

He skilfully created space in midfield before finding Tayo ‘Laces’ Edun, who supplied Scully for an exquisite first-time finish into the far corner of the net.

From that moment, the Imps were in control and the second goal arrived from the penalty spot three minutes from time.

Following another good move, Edun was fouled in the box and Scully thumped home the penalty.

 

Wow. It’s a long time since we’ve won so much dosh, but don’t get carried away. I have just checked our last twelve months of betting and we are in profit... just. Over the year we have won the grand total of... fanfare please... 70 pees. Hmm. That means that, prior to our winning bets, we were down £10.50ish. Oh well, let’s have a look what The Grambler has randomly predicted this week...

Game - Result - Odds

QPR vs Barnsley - Home win - 21/20

Coventry vs Reading - Home win - 21/20

Luton vs Birmingham - Home win - Evens

Sheffield Utd vs Huddersfield - Home win - 4/6

Stoke vs Nottingham Forest - Home win - 5/6

Well, the bets are placed. Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.04

Reasonably whopping I reckon.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Antwerp in 1993. I began my senior career at Anderlecht, before moving to Chelsea. I then moved to Everton, scoring 53 goals in 110 appearances. After spells at Manchester United and Inter Milan, I am now back at Chelsea.

Answer - Romelu Lukaku

2. What footballer has had the most money spent on him in transfer fees?

Answer - Romelu Lukaku

3. Which Scot has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Duncan Ferguson

4. Which three teams have spent just one season in the Premier League?

Answer - Swindon Town (1993-94), Barnsley (1997-98) and Blackpool (2010-11)

5. Which six Welsh teams have played in the English Football League?

Answer - Cardiff City, Swansea Town/City, Newport County, Wrexham, Merthyr Town and Aberdare Athletic.

 

Five for this week? Indeed...

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1985 in Londrino, Brazil. I began my senior career at Atlético Paranaense in 2002. I moved to Shakhtar Donetsk in 2005 and played 184 games before moving to my current Premier League club (where I am currently captain) in 2013. I have been capped 53 times for Brazil.

2. Which African nation has won gold, silver and bronze Olympic medals for men’s football?

3. Mikel Arteta, Graham Potter, Patrick Vieira, Ole Gunnar Solskjær and Steve Bruce have what Premier League-related fact in common?

4. Which outfield player appeared in the Champions League final in three different decades?

5. The fastest goal scored in Premier League history came in 7.69 seconds. Who scored it?

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, we couldn’t let this week’s edition finish without a mention of Sean Lock, one of Britain’s most popular stand-up comedians, who has died this week aged 58. I could do the usual thegrambler.com tribute of giving a few of his gags for you to smile at. However, this item from 8 Out of 10 Cats does Countdown best illustrates his off the wall style. Ladeez and Genullum, I give you The Tiger Who Came for a Pint'.

And if that didn’t bring a big grin to your face, here is something that might, a sitcom he wrote and starred in almost 20 years back, 15 Storeys High. Here is episode one of 12, The Sofa. Hope you enjoy it.

The dance settee

(Obscure Richard Herring gag there)

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 420 - Gramble your own furrow

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

 

Story time...

 

Hello grambling chums. Do you like flowers? Odd question to begin this week's (g)ramble. Mrs G loves flowers. Often there are two, perhaps three, vases dotted about the house. They do brighten the place up. I don't know why, but there always seems to be a vase in the bathroom. Admittedly, they tend to be scented flowers so that might explain it.

However, today I happened to notice the origin of the current selection of blooms. East Africa. Now, correct me if I am wrong, and I probably am, but I was under the assumption that Africa has problems enough feeding its own population, so why the hell are they farming flowers to make Mrs G's bathroom look and smell nice?

I think they should be focusing on food crops... you know, so that they can feed themselves.

Indeed, I am beginning to believe that everyone should be trying to grow their own food. And I'm not just saying that because I managed to grow a few carrots and potatoes last year. I used to have a mate who was a mad keen gardening fan; his motto was 'any plant that can't be eaten is a weed'.

I am coming round to his way of thinking, especially as the effects of Brexit kick in.

There is not a chance that I could grow enough to provide us with veg for the whole year, but the little I do grow means that someone else can have the things that we don't need to buy. Thus, in a very small way, I am helping to alleviate the world's food shortage. [Bollocks! - Ed.]

As I get older [You mean even older, surely. - Ed.]... don't call me Shirley... I think that mankind should be taking care of the simpler things in life, such as providing enough food to feed the entire population. Forget clever weapons and space travel; get humanity fed.

Also forget over-processed food. Educate people to eat more healthily.
And what is the purpose of trees that do nothing? However do you mean, I hear you ask. Well, the Japanese acer, for example, is a popular tree that is bought solely for its colourful foliage. Shouldn't be allowed, says I in my full wartime rationing mode. Instead, people should be persuaded to plant apple, pear or plum trees. More food for the masses.

Moving on, why do we have a lawn in front of the house? Dig it up! [This is getting more ridiculous by the minute. - Ed.] If grass can grow there, so can any food crop... Well, not any food crop, but some food crops could, I am sure.

And another thing... Don't stop me now, I'm on a roll... All those crofts that used to litter the Highlands, where families eked out a meagre existence prior to the clearances that made way for sheep, could be utilised again. At the time they were farmed three hundred years ago they were not profitable for the landlords, but sheep were, so the humans were forced out to make way for Shawn and his cronies. There you are, a bit of history thrown in for free.

In those days, there was no running water; no electricity. Surely, with modern farming techniques and electricity in plentiful supply from wind turbines or solar panels, these small holdings could actually be made profitable once more.

Plenty of folk would relish the chance to escape the rat race in the big cities; give them a croft to work.

It is time to rise up and adopt the plucky British wartime spirit where everyone grew their own food. Dig for victory.

You know it makes sense.

[Can't wait for a return to powdered eggs, blackouts and ITMA. - Ed.]

A wonder of modern technology

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 14th of August? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

John Galsworthy 1867 - Orfer. The Forsyte Saga, that was one of his.

Albert Ball 1896 - Fighter pilot in WWI. He is credited with 44 ‘victories’ in a flying career lasting just over a year. He was killed in action aged 20.

Alma Reville 1899 - Screenwriter. Mrs Hitchcock.

Fred Davis 1913 - Snookery bloke.

Cardew Robinson 1917 - Comedian.

Patsy Smart 1918 - Actress. Roberts in Upstairs, Downstairs. Her.

Buddy Greco 1926 - Singer resembling a lizard.

Liz Fraser 1930 - Comedy actress. Sylvia Ramsden in Carry on Behind. Her.

Trevor Bannister 1934 - Actor. Mr Lucas in Are You Being Served. Him.

Brian Maxine 1935 - Wrestly bloke.

Hilary Tindall 1938 - Actress. Ann Hammond in The Brothers. Her.

Lionel Morton 1941 - Musician... and Playschool presenter. Here’s a song from his time as a Penny, I Found Out The Hard Way.

Jackie Oliver 1942 - Racey car bloke.

Tom Walkinshaw 1946 - Also, a racey car bloke and founder of Tom Walkinshaw Racing (TWR).

Maddy Prior 1947 - Singer most notably with Steeleye Span. Here’s a 2009 live performance of The Hard Times of Old England.

Bruce Thomas 1948 - An Attraction. Here he is with all the other Attractions and Elvis Costello with Oliver's Army.

Peter Guinness 1950 - Actor. He was in By the Sword Divided as Dick Skinner. [Oooh! Nasty! - Ed.]

Gillian Taylforth 1955 - Actress. Kathy Beale in Eastenders. Her.

Sarah Brightman 1960 - Singer. Usually, sings serious stuff, but there was a time when she performed mince like this, I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper.

Mark Collins 1965 - A Charlatan. Here’s North Country Boy

Jane Couch 1968 - Boxy bloke.

Darren Clarke 1968 - Golfy bloke.

Jamie Catto 1968 - Musician, video director, photographer and script editor... In fact, a right old smarty boots. A founding member of Faithless, so let’s have a track. Here’s Reverence.

Adrian Lester 1968 - Actor. Micky Stone in Hustle. Him.

Mark Heaney 1970 - Drummy bloke who has been part of The Seahorses, The Shining and Gang of Four. Here’s an example of his solo output, Mindscapes.

Paddy McGuinness 1973 - Comedian, it says here.

Martin Bulloch 1974 - Drummy bloke with Mogwai. Have a toon. Here’s Friend Of The Night.

Ed Harcourt 1977 - Musician. Here’s a toon from him All Of Your Days Will Be Blessed.

Martyn Corrigan 1977 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell. Played 243 games for the Mighty ’Well.

Jamie Parker 1979 - Actor. Scripps in The History Boys. Him.

Elena Baltacha 1983 - Tennisy bloke.

Nick Grimshaw 1984 - Radio and TV presenter

Jamie Brittain 1985 - Writer and actor. Co-created Skins.

Cameron Jerome 1986 - Footy bloke.

James Buckley 1987 - Actor and comedian. Jay Cartwright in The Inbetweeners. Him.

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Sarah Grambleman,

It was nice to hear your first hit record, even though it was complete s***. You redeemed yourself in your later career by singing more serious songs. We liked the idea of you singing Procul Harem songs. Didn’t you have a big hit in Canada with one of their songs? Which one was it?

Yours with kisses on the bottom,

A. White, R. Shader-Pail.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? We won. Yay! Yep. We won the grand total of £2.62, a profit of 42 pees. What happened. Read on...

 

Sheffield Utd v Birmingham - Home win

Result - Sheffield Utd 0 Birmingham 1

Boo!

Blues opened the scoring in the first half when Maxime ‘Umm’ Colin headed home from Jeremie ‘Bear’ Bela's floated cross to the back post.

Oliver ‘Solomon’ Burke smashed a low drive against the near post as the Blades came close to an immediate equaliser

Strikers Oli ‘Babe’ McBurnie, Rhian ‘Punky’ Brewster and Billy ‘Razor’ Sharp were deployed in pursuit of a leveller but they could not break down a resolute and organised Birmingham side.

Indeed it could, and perhaps should, have been worse for the home side as the Blues missed a fine chance to make it 2-0 when Scott ‘Paul’ Hogan hooked over from six yards out after Lukas ‘Battery’ Jutkiewicz had headed the ball back from a Gary ‘Ava’ Gardner cross.

Colin also had a second header disallowed after the break when Jutkiewicz was adjudged to have pushed Ben ‘Ozzy’ Osborn in the box.

 

Stoke v Reading - Home win

Result - Stoke 3 Reading 2

Yay!

On 25 minutes, Nick ‘Nosher’ Powell put Stoke ahead, but John ‘Dean’ Swift cashed in on awful defending by the Potters to level 60 seconds later before, just two minutes later, Jacob ‘Janet’ Brown's low shot was missed by Reading keeper Rafael ‘Nadal’ Cabral.

Swift then delivered the right-wing corner from which Liam ‘Roger’ Moore's bullet header brought the Royals level for a second time on the hour.

But Stoke had the final word when Potters debutant Mario ‘Plumber’ Vrancic dummied Tommy ‘Black’ Smith's right-wing cross and Sam ‘Uncle’ Surridge fired a powerful right-foot shot into the roof of the net.

 

QPR v Millwall - Home win

Result - QPR 1 Millwall 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Jed ‘William’ Wallace put the visitors ahead early on when he brought down a clearance and then fired into the top corner.

But QPR centre-back Rob ‘Banana’ Dickie responded when he drilled in a shot from 25 yards out.

Both sides went close in the second half, with QPR's Chris ‘Rock’ Willock seeing a shot saved and Maikel ‘Jackson’ Kieftenbeld shooting over for Millwall.

 

Blackburn v Swansea - Home win

Result - Blackburn 2 Swansea 1

Yay!

Blackburn dominated from the start and led through Sam ‘Rory’ Gallagher's rebound.

Ben ‘Nevis’ Brereton struck a second from a penalty conceded by Swans goalkeeper Steven ‘Pipe’ Benda, who had brought Tyrhys ‘Rolling’ Dolan down after giving the ball away.

Swansea hit back with Jamie ‘Shortbread’ Paterson's debut goal but missed a handful of chances to equalise.

 

Luton v Peterborough - Home win

Result - Luton 3 Peterborough 0

An emphatic YAY!

Elijah ‘Wood’ Adebayo headed the Hatters in front at the back post from Fred ‘Anjinja’ Onyedinma's cross after Luton had enjoyed the best of the first half.

Onyedinma was again the provider for Luton's second as he drove down the left and crossed in for Harry ‘Glenn’ Cornick to convert.

The pair reversed roles for the third a few minutes later as Onyedinma's volley was saved by Christy ‘Francis’ Pym before he buried the rebound.

The Hatters almost went behind after seven minutes when goalkeeper Simon ‘Cowell’ Sluga let Kal ‘Mac’ Naismith's backpass slip under his foot, but the Croatia keeper recovered just in time to clear off the line.

Five minutes later Jordan ‘Meusli’ Clark headed wide for Luton, who started better against their newly-promoted opponents and deservedly went ahead through Adebayo.

 

That was then, this is now. [That sounds like a good title for a film. - Ed.] What has The Grambler randomly selected for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Everton vs Southampton - Home win - 21/20

Barnsley vs Coventry - Home win - Evens

Middlesbrough vs Bristol City - Home win - 17/20

West Brom vs Luton - Home win - 3/4

Lincoln vs Fleetwood - Home win - Evens

Well, the bets are placed. Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.34

Yep, nice and whopping that is.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

 

I was born in 1954 in Plymouth. I began my senior career at Birmingham City, making 280 first team appearances and scoring 118 goals. In 1979 my name entered the history books when I signed with Nottingham Forest for a transfer fee of over £1 million, making me the first player to transfer between English clubs for a seven figure sum.

Answer - Trevor Francis

2. On a similar topic, who has just become the first player to transfer between English clubs for a nine figure sum? [That’s inflation for you. - Ed.]

Answer - Jack Grealish

3. FC Cologne have which animal on their club crest?

Answer - Goat

4. Hungary and which other country has won three Men’s Olympic Football Gold Medals?

Answer - Great Britain (1900, 1908 and 1912)

5. Who has scored the most Premier League goals for Manchester United?

Answer - Wayne Rooney with 183

Let’s have another five to tease you.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Antwerp in 1993. I began my senior career at Anderlecht, before moving to Chelsea. I then moved to Everton, scoring 53 goals in 110 appearances. After spells at Manchester United and Inter Milan, I am now back at Chelsea.

2. What footballer has had the most money spent on him in transfer fees?

3. Which Scot has scored the most Premier League goals?

4. Which three teams have spent just one season in the Premier League?

5. Which six Welsh teams have played in the English Football League?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to Messrs J. Esmonde and J. Larbey who were comedy scriptwriters from way way back. They came up with such memorable series as Please Sir! (and its follow-ups The Fenn Street Gang and Bowler), Get Some In!, Ever Decreasing Circles, Brushstrokes and the show I have chosen to end this week’s blog. As my (g)ramble concerns growing your own fruit and veg, I thought it apt to give you a link to the very first episode of The Good Life.  You, see. Who needs a front lawn?

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Post 419 - Oh my grambling toe!

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

 

Story time...

Have you tried to see a GP lately?   That’s general practioner, as in doctor, not grand prix, as in a procession of cars going very fast.  Not easy is it?

Yesterday, I managed to drop an enormous weight on my big toe. [Ouch! - Ed.] Not just ouch; squelch as well.  Blood everywhere.  Mrs G put a dressing on it and I thought that was all that was needed.  However, when I removed my shoe in the evening, I realised that a dressing hadn't been all that was needed.  My sock was saturated and the inside of the footwear in question now had a new colour inside it: crimson.

Here's a thing; why does red have so many variants?  From pink through to maroon.  Every other colour is basically lighter and darker versions of the same name... blue is always blue with an adjective before it.  The same goes for green and yellow.  What's so special about red, that's what I want to know.

Where was I?  Oh yes, my blood soaked sock and shoe.  Mrs G put a new dressing on the still-bleeding toe with a polythene bag over it and I retired to bed.

The next morning I expected all to be tickety boo.  Sadly, it was neither tickety nor boo.  As soon as I put weight on my foot, the bleeding bleeding well started again.

Obviously, something had to be done.  Get an appointment with my GP?  Fat chance.  The last time I tried to get an appointment, I rang the number over 100 times before getting connected to an answering machine followed by the usual Vivaldi's Four Seasons. [Was he before or after Frankie Valli? - Ed.] Ahem... When I did eventually get to speak to a real live person, the doctor's receptionist, that ogre who was obviously a Stasi police officer in a previous life, I had to reel off all my symptoms before being told that I could only have a telephone appointment... a fortnight on Thursday.

No, trying to see a GP was not worth the hassle, so I decided to take myself off to the nearest Accident and Emergency department.

I'm guessing from the number of people there, that everyone was having the same experience with getting an appointment with their doctor... The place was heaving.  Two metre distancing rule?  Forget it.   There wasn't the space in the waiting room to allow it.  Thankfully, everyone was wearing a mask so I didn't panic too much.

After spending about 40 minutes waiting, my name was called.  Yay!  No not yay, I saw a nurse who checked my details, removed the makeshift dressing protecting my toe and sent me back into the waiting area.

Three hours later, I was called in to the 'minor injuries' area and led to a cubicle and told that someone would be with me in a minute.

An hour later, a nurse came to see me and my toe. After a sharp intake of breath, she said that I needed an x-ray.

Off I toddled to the x-ray department, where I had to wait yet again.

On returning to the minor injuries department, I was sent back to my little cubicle and told by the nurse that she would be with me in a minute. By now I was getting pretty cheesed off.  I had to say something, ‘Oh really?  And what clock is it you are working from? A decimal one that has ten hours instead of 24 per day and only ten minutes per hour instead of sixty, so that every minute actually lasts about 20?’

Actually, that's what I wanted to say, but I just said okay and waited. Guess what... she was back in just about a non-decimal minute.  She had been away merely to check my x-ray results.  After a few minutes, my toe (not broken, thankfully) was dressed and I was back in the outside world, blinking at the bright light in the sky.   As Mel Gibson would say 'Freedom!'... in an American/Australian accent.   I could head home after how long?  From arriving at the A&E department to leaving?   6 hours.

Now, I'm not one to criticise the NHS, it has done much to help me during my life, and I am no expert, but surely its resources could be better utilised.

What a waste of time... theirs as well as mine... I could have been doing something useful like writing an article for this week's edition of your favourite ill-informed blog.  As it is, I haven't got a clue for a topic this week... hang on a minute.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 31st of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Sydney Tafler 1916 - Actor. Joe Green in Alexander the Greatest. Him.

Percy Herbert 1920 - Actor. McGregor in Cimarron Strip. Him.

Roy Walker 1940 - Comedian.

Daniel Boone 1942 - Singer. Here’s his hit,  Beautiful Sunday.  That is one weird video.

Jonathan Dimbleby 1944 - TV and radio presenter.

Geraldine Chaplin 1944 - Actress. Played Wallis Simpson in The Crown. 162 Credits on IMDb, ranging from 1952 to date; nigh on 70 years.

Allan ‘Sniffer’ Clark 1946 - Footy bloke. Not sure what sniffing he indulged in.

Richard Griffiths 1947 - Actor. Henry Crabbe in Pie in the Sky. Him.

Karl Green 1947 - A Hermit. Here’s a clip, No Milk Today.  Karl’s the guitarist on the left.

Susan Wooldridge 1950 - Actress. Jeanetta Scarry in All Quiet on the Preston Front. Her.

Mark Arden 1956 - Comedian.

Daniel Ash 1957 - Musician. Here he is in his post-Bauhaus band, Love and Rockets with So Alive.

Sue Jenkins 1958 - Actress. Gloria Todd in Coronation Street and later Jackie Corkhill in Brookside.

Andrew Marr 1959 - TV presenter.

Kim Newman 1959 - Orfer.

Pete Tong 1960 - DJ and rhyming slang.

Malcolm Ross 1960 - Geetarist. Here is his first band Josef K with Heaven Sent.

Jackie Bird 1962 - TV news presenter. Not a real bird.

John ‘Fuzz’ Townshend 1964 - Motoring journalist and TV presenter. Also, in a previous life, a drummer for, among others, Pop Will Eat Itself and Bentley Rhythm Ace. He even had a solo hit... if number 51 in the charts counts as a hit... with Hello Darlin'.

J.K. Rowling 1965 - Orfer. Wrote them there Harry Potter things. You know, things like Harry Potter and his chamber pot... or something.

Rob McKinnon 1966 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Derek Ferguson 1967 - Fitba guy.

Ben Chaplin 1970 - Actor. Duncan Allen in Press. Him.

Eve Best 1971 - Actress. Wallis Simpson in The King’s Speech. That was her.

Daniel Evans 1973 - Actor. Cliff in Look Back in Anger. Him.

Emilia Fox 1974 - Actress. Dr. Nikki Alexander in Silent Witness. Her. Not a real fox.

Will Champion 1978 - Drummy bloke with Coldplay. Here’s a jolly toon, Higher Power.

Titus Bramble 1981 - Footy bloke.

Karen Hassan 1981 - Actress. Lynsey Nolan in Hollyoaks. Her.

George Rainsford 1982 - Actor. Ethan Hardy in Casualty. Him.

Raymond Pickard 1982 - Spiller in The Borrowers. Him.

Rebecca Atkinson 1983 - Actress. Karen Maguire in Shameless. Her.

Charlie Clemmow 1986 - Actress. Imogen Hollins in Doctors. Her.

 

And what about the 7th of August?

Kenneth Kendall 1924 - Newsreader

Dudley Foster 1924 - Actor. Inspector Hook in It’s Murder But Is It Art. Him.

Jack Good 1931 - TV producer of music programmes such as Six-Five Special and Oh Boy!. Ask your grandad.

Edward Hardwicke 1932 - Actor. Arthur in My Old Man where he played the son-in-law of Clive Dunn’s character Sam Cobbett. My Old Man was developed from a Ronnie Barker series called 7 of 1 which also included pilot shows for Porridge and Open All Hours. Barker’s loss was our... loss as well.

Sue Lloyd 1939 - Model and actress. Cordelia Winfield in The Baron. Her. Ask your dad.

Duggie Brown 1940 - Comedian.

Kenny Ireland 1945 - Actor and theatre director. Arthur Nubble in Paradise Postponed. Ask your mum.

Nick Ross 1947 - TV presenter. Don’t have nightmares... Name that programme.

Matthew Parris 1949 - Journalist.

Pete Way 1951 - Bassist. [Who for? - Ed.] UFO. [I only asked. - Ed.] Here’s Doctor Doctor.

Suzanne Bertish 1951 - Actress. Frieda Gottlieb in Shine on Harvey Moon. Ask your granny.

Alexei Sayle 1952 - Comedian. He had a hit record, you know. Here’s 'Ullo John Gotta New Motor.

Lesley Nicol 1953 - Actress. Mrs Patmore in Downton Abbey. Her.

Colin Blumenau 1956 - Actor. Taffy Edwards in The Bill. Him.

Julian Wadham 1958 - Solomon Langfeld in The Singapore Grip. Him.

Bruce Dickinson 1958 - Airline pilot who also happens to be frontman with Iron Maiden. Here’s Can I Play With Madness.  [Oh yes that's great fun.  I often played with them as a kid... Oh, madness.  I thought he said magnets. - Ed.]

Walter Swinburn 1961 - Horse racey bloke.

Brian Conley 1961 - Comedian.

Julia Forde 1963 - Director/actress. Jenny Weatherill in Happy Valley. Her.

Ian Dench 1964 - Musician. He wrote and performed on this, Unbelievable.

Shobna Gulati 1966 - Actress. Anita in Dinnerladies. Her.

Cathy Murphy 1967 - Actress. Julie Perkins in Eastenders. Her.

Paul Lambert 1969 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Jo-Anne Knowles 1969 - Actress. Janis Steele in Mile High. Her.

Melanie Sykes 1970 - TV presenter.

Dominic Cork 1971 - Crickety bloke.

Tina O’Brien 1983 - Actress. Sarah Platt in Coronation Street. Her.

Darren McGregor 1985 - Fitba guy.

Helen Flanagan 1990 - Actress. Rosie Webster in Coronation Street. Her.

Matty Cash 1997 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Will Gramblion,

It was nice to hear Coldplay’s latest hit. We are both big fans and were wondering if you could answer a question for us. What was Coldplay’s first single to reach number one?

Yours in anticipation,

V. Valla, V. Dah.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

What happened with the gee gees last time we had a gramble?

Horse - Meeting - Time - Odds

Mohaafeth - York - 3.15 - 11/10 THIRD

Wahraan - Newmarket - 3.40 - 5/4 WINNER

Liquid Luck - Gowran Park - 4.35 - 2/1 NON RUNNER

American Star - Salisbury - 6.35 - 11/10 WINNER

Nine Tales - Salisbury - 7.05 - 4/6 WINNER

Ooh, three out of five. Well, three out of four, really. How much dosh did we get back? £4.40. Woo hoo! We won two quids!

What will The Grambler predict for us this week? Hey, guess what. We’re back to footy. Yay!

Game - Result - Odds

Sheffield Utd v Birmingham - Home win - 3/4

Stoke v Reading - Home win - 21/20

QPR v Millwall - Home win - 21/20

Blackburn v Swansea - Home win - 11/10

Luton v Peterborough - Home win - 11/10

 

Well, the bets are placed. Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£15.26

Too whopping by a mile, that is.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1989 in Laval, France. I started my senior career, though never played, at A.C. Milan. Instead, I was loaned out to various clubs, the last of which was St. Etienne who signed me in 2011. In 2013 I moved to Borussia Dortmund. In 2018 I joined a Premier League side and have, so far, scored 64 goals in 114 appearances. I have been capped 66 times for Gabon.

Answer - Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang

2. Which Belgian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Vincent Kompany

3. Patrick Vieira, Richard Dunne and Duncan Ferguson share which Premier league record?

Answer - They have all been red-carded the most times (8)

4. Which Ballon d’Or winning player had a galaxy named after him in 2015?

Answer - Cristiano Ronaldo - Galaxy Cosmos Redshift 7 (CR7)

5. Which former Tottenham Hotspur manager has competed in the Dakar Rally?

Answer - Andre Villas-Boas

Would you like a few to test you this week? Of course you would.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1954 in Plymouth. I began my senior career at Birmingham City, making 280 first team appearances and scoring 118 goals. In 1979 my name entered the history books when I signed with Nottingham Forest for a transfer fee of over £1 million, making me the first player to transfer between English clubs for a seven figure sum.

2. On a similar topic, who has just become the first player to transfer between English clubs for a nine figure sum? [That’s inflation for you. - Ed.]

3. FC Cologne have which animal on their club crest?

4. Hungary and which other country has won three Men’s Olympic Football Gold Medals?

5. Who has scored the most Premier League goals for Manchester United?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Mr M. Arden. Mark Arden and Stephen Frost were a comedy duo you may or may not remember. They appeared on all sorts of ‘alternative’ comedy shows such as The Comic Strip Presents, The Young Ones and Blackadder II. They even had their own show, a cop show parody called Lazarus and Dingwall in 1991. However, the pair are perhaps better remembered for the Carling Black Label beer adverts from the 1980s. There is one which seems to stick in most people’s memories, this spoof of the Dambusters.

 

Did you just drop one?

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.