Saturday 24 April 2021

Post 407 - Grambling in the house of the future

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

WARNING: The text which follows may make difficult reading for some of you. Not because it might be upsetting to anyone of a sensitive nature; it is just difficult to read as it is written in the style of a Pathe newsreel presenter.

 

Did you know that this year marks the 170th anniversary of the Great Exhibition? Did you care? Probably not. Exactly 100 years after that was the Festival of Britain. It was designed to show off the best that British engineering had to offer in 1951. It also provided a bit of a boost to a populace still reeling from the privations of World War II. It had various exhibits relating to how things might be in the future. I wonder if there was a house of tomorrow...

Welcome to the highlight of the yah, the Festival of Britain. Hahr we see King George opening this great event which shows Britain end its empah et its most inventive end proves to the wahld thet British is still best. Well done your mejesty.

Hah, we see a yangster marvelling et the exhibit known es the Skylon. Deddy informs the inquisitive yang chep thet it is held ap by wahs, but the child dasen't seem convinced; he thinks it mast be saspended by megic.

End what of the future? Hah we hev a glimpse of the hyse of tomorrow. What will the everage hyse be like in seventy yahs time?

Fahst, we take a look yteside the hyse et the garden. End it won't take the men of the hyse long to cat the grahss. The lawn of a modern hyse will be so small thet it will be cat in no time, especially if the owner cen afford the latest thing in grahss catting: a nuclear pard lawnmower. Why, there is even talk of robot lawnmowers, bat thet is jast pie in the sky.

What about the rest of the garden? Seventy yahs from now, heavy digging will be a thing of the pahst es most of the lend will be slebbed. End what do you put on these slebs? Well, you won't jast hev wan dastbin, you will hev ap to five. Why? Because, in the future, we won't hev any waste ather then recyclable meterials. All your rabbish will be reused to make ather prodacts. Ebsolutely everything will be recycled. Jast think, no more litter in the streets. Wance again, Britain leads the way.

What abyte ather garden space? Well, there won't be mach of thet; not when you hev the latest children's play thing, a trempoline.

Rynd et the front of the hyse there will be jast enough space to park your nuclear pard motorcar. Yes, it is predicted thet et least wan in every three hyseholds will hev their own means of trensport by 2021.

Let as nye enter the hyse of tomorrow. Ar fahrst impression is thet of claustrophobia es the everage three-bedroomed hyse will be considerably smaller then those we hev today. This means thet heating costs cen be kept to a minimum. Let as take a look et the lynge area. There will be jast the wan pablic rum. Instead of heving a separate dining rum, we will all hev to eat ar meals in the lynge by placing large trays apon ar leps, es there won’t be any rum for a dining table. Notice thet the rum is dominated by a cinema screen. This is the television of the future. Cinemas will hev disappeared long ago es everyone will hev their own televisual applahnce.

Es we move into the kitchen we notice thet it is also tiny, bat many applahnces are hidden from view behind doors. Open this door end we see a mengle, still a mast-hev 70 yahrs from nye. We notice too thet most of the kitchen sarfaces hev some sort of electrical gedget taking ap space. This is because there won't be enaff capboard space to hyse them all. End just what are these gedgets? Why, Labour-saving devices of course. No hyse of the future will be complete without its nuclear-pard potato peeler end egg sheller. End what about this beauty, ladies? Yes, no more heving bones in your meals of fish with this syooper autometic fish filleter. Nuclear pard, of course. End why fish? Well, 70 yahs from nye it is predicted thet fish will be the cheapest end most easily sourced form of food.

Let as nah take a look apstairs. The bahthrum fahrst. The fahrst thought is thet, like the other rums we hev seen, the bahthrum is tiny. Why, it dasn't even hev a bahth. Thet is because we will no longer hev to waste time end energy filling a bahth. Instead, wan will use a small cubicle where wan will be bombarded with water jets; a quicker end more efficient way to cleanse arselves.

Looking arynd this rum we notice thet samthing else is missing. Where is the cistern to flash the toilet? Well, it is still there, bat hidden away behind a false wall. Look, there's the hendle to operate the flash mechanism. But what if samthing goes wrong? Why, if a plamber were ever needed he would hev to take the whole toilet ite to achieve eccess. Thenkfully, thet will never be necessary es the bahthrum of the future will be syooper efficient.

Let us nah take a look et the bedrums. Why, there is only enaff space for a bed in this rum. That's because as we see hah, there is a fitted wardrobe. Es we open the sliding door we see... what's this? Why, it's the nuclear generator to pahr all those gedgets es well es control the heating.

End here is the smallest of the three bedrums. Why it isn't even big enough to fit a bed thenks to the longest wall heving a boxed in corner to clah the stairs. Don't warry, ded's do it yourself skills will cam in hendy when he hes to take a hecksaw to a pahfectly good bed to make it fit.

So thah you hev it; the home of the future.

Next time on Pethé News we'll be looking et the future of feshion... don't throw away those ripped trousers whatever you do.


 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 24th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Edmund Cartwright 1743 - Inventor of a power loom, a wool combing machine and a machine for making rope. [I don’t remember him in Bonanza. - Ed.]

Abraham Darby III 1750 - Ironmaster. He built the first cast iron bridge in the world near over the River Severn at Coalbrookdale. The village of Ironbridge thus came into being. The area is now known as Ironbridge Gorge.

R.M. Ballantyne 1825 - Orfer of stories for juveniles. The Coral Island is perhaps his best-known novel.

Hugh ‘Stuffy’ Dowding or, to give him his Sunday name, Air Chief Marshall Hugh Caswall Tremenheere Dowding, 1st Baron Dowding GCB, GCVO, CMG 1882 - Pilot. In charge of RAF Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain.

Percy Walsh 1888 - Jobbing actor. One of those faces that cropped up again and again in films between 1930 and 1950.

Stafford Cripps 1889 - Politician. Held various government posts from 1930 to 1950. Chancellor of the Exchequer in Attlee post-war government.

Jack Hulbert 1892 - Ector. Made a few popular films in the 1930s, often with his wife Cicely Courtneige.

William Joyce 1906 - Nazi propaganda broadcaster. Known as Lord Haw-Haw, he broadcast to the people of Great Britain with the opening lines always being ‘Germany calling, Germany calling, Germany calling.’ He was convicted of high treason after capture and was sentenced to death; the last person to be executed for treason in the UK.

Michael Pertwee 1916 - Playwright and screenwriter from a famous family: Son of Roland, brother of Jon, cousin of Bill and uncle of Sean.

Lucy Griffiths 1919 - Jobbing actress. Another face that seemed to be everywhere in postwar films and television dramas (and comedies). Usually playing minor roles, she has 112 credits on IMDb.

Clement Freud 1924 - Broadcaster, writer, politician and chef. Grandson of Sigmund, brother of Lucien and father of Emma.

Clive King 1924 - Orfer. Stig of the Dump, that was one of his.

Tommy Docherty 1928 - Fitba guy.

Claire Davenport 1933 - Jobbing actress. She seemed to corner the market in overbearing, bullying wives. I sat opposite her on the London Underground once; she looked pretty formidable even in civvies. I doubt if anyone would have dared ask for her autograph. Scary woman.

Jill Ireland 1936 - Actress more famous for her marriages than for her acting. She was married to David McCallum and (actor, it says here) Charles Bronson.

Davie Sneddon 1936 - Fitba guy.

Mark Shivas 1938 - Television producer. By that, I mean he produced television programmes, not televisions... either by manufacturing them, or by producing them as a magician would... out of a hat. Well, he couldn’t, could he? A telly is too big to come out of a hat. It would need to be a very big hat. Or a very small television. Mind you, there was a spate of miniature tellies back in the... ooh... must have been the nineties. Tiny little things that could fit in your pocket. Of course they relied on receiving a good analogue signal; it was in the days of aerials rather than satellite. Of course, we can now watch TV programmes on our phones and they are small enough to produce from a hat. [Have you finished? - Ed.] I think so. [Good. - Ed.]

Valerie Masters 1940 - Singer. Made a lot of guest appearances on nineteen sixties shows like The Ken Dodd Show and Two of a Kind. Never really had any hits, though. Here’s a very un-Brummy sounding tune Birmingham Rag.

Chris Kelly 1940 - Television presenter. By that, I mean... [Don’t start that again. - Ed.] Sorry. He fronted programmes like Wish You Were Here and Clapperboard (A cinema programme for kids.)

John Williams 1941 - Not your average guitarist. Tends to play classical pieces as this early footage shows a young John Williams in 1962.

Mick Jones 1945 - Footy bloke.

John Still 1950 - Footy bloke.

Nigel Harrison 1951 - Blondie bassist. Co-wrote this track, Union City Blue.

Steve Thompson 1952 - Songwriter. Here’s one of his by Tygers of Pan Tang.

Jonathan Coy 1953 - Jobbing actor. You perhaps know him as George Murray in Downton Abbey. Has rarely been off the TV screens since 1975. 125 credits on IMDb.

Tim Woodward 1953 - Jobbing actor. His most recent TV work was in Casualty. A bit like J. Coy, rarely off our screen since 1975. Only 112 credits on IMDb, though.

Raymond Burns 1954 - Who? Oh, Captain Sensible. Has had his solo number one ‘Happy Talk’, but you aren’t getting that. He has been a member of The Damned for nigh on 45 years. Here’s a recent live version of Smash It Up.

David J 1957 - Musician. One time bassist with Bauhaus. Here’s a tune from the band he and two other members of Bauhaus formed, Love and Rockets, called  Yin and Yang (The Flowerpot Man).  Crazy video.

Paula Yates 1959 - TV presenter.

Bruno Brookes 1959 - DJ.

Stuart Pearce 1962 - Footy bloke.

Jason Salkey 1962 - Jobbing actor. Harris in Sharpe. Him.

Rory McCann 1969 - Actor. Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane in Game of Thrones. Him.

Jasbinder Singh ‘Jas’ Mann 1971 - Musician. Had his big moment as lead singer with Babylon Zoo. Here’s their Number 1, Spaceman.

Adrian Simpson 1971 - TV presenter. A Place in the Sun, he does that. See below.

Rab Douglas 1972 - Fitba guy.

Lee Westwood 1973 - Golfy bloke.

Gabby Logan 1973 - TV sports presenter.

Julie Cox 1973 - Jobbing actress. Princess Irulan Corrino in Dune and Children of Dune. Her.

Jon holmes 1976 - Writer, comedian and broadcaster. The Now Show. He’s on that.

Laura Hamilton 1982 - TV presenter. A Place in the Sun, she does that. See above.

Nick Howard 1982 - Musician. Have a clip.  This is Unbreakable.

Sia Berkeley 1985 - Jobbing actress. Frances in Wuthering Heights. That was her.

Jason Maza 1987 - Actor, director, producer, writer; you name it, he’s done it. Plays Chris Munroe in Bulletproof.

Laura Kenny 1992 - She rides a bike. Fast.

Eilish McSorley 1993 - Fitba wummin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Grambly Logan,

I have been a fan of Blondie for many years and have all the albums. Can you tell me what their last top ten album (2017) was?

Yours inquisitively,

Polly Nator.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? In a word: badly. Not a bean back. Rubbish or what? What happened? Read on...

 

Luton vs Watford - Away win

Result - Luton 1 Watford 0

Boo!

James ‘Joan’ Collins came off the bench to score a penalty with his first touch as Luton Town earned a deserved derby victory over Watford.

Substitute Collins instantly stroked the ball past keeper Daniel ‘Overdrive’ Bachmann, who had brought down Elijah Adebayo.

Watford were outplayed before the break, but an improved second-half display looked like earning them a point.

But with 12 minutes left Collins calmly struck the winner and, despite a frantic finish in which the Hornets had Kiko Femenia sent off and Andre ’50 Shades’ Gray’s equalising goal disallowed, the hosts held on.

 

Middlesbrough vs QPR - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 1 Queens Park Rangers 2

Again I say BOO!

Defender Lee ‘Braveheart’ Wallace scored as 10-man QPR clung on to beat Middlesbrough.

Wallace headed Rangers into a 2-0 lead inside 20 minutes just after Rob ‘Billericay’ Dickie had rattled in a 30-yarder to open the scoring.

But Yannick Bolasie halved the deficit and Boro stepped up the pressure after Rangers had goalkeeper Seny Dieng sent off for bringing down Duncan Watmore.

Replacement keeper Joe ‘Anna’ Lumley denied George ‘Now then’ Saville with a superb close-range stop as the visitors held on for the victory.

 

Charlton vs Ipswich - Home win

Result - Charlton 0 Ipswich 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Charlton and Ipswich played out a goalless draw at The Valley in a disappointing contest.

The Tractor Boys’ James Norwood saw his third-minute effort stopped by keeper ‘Uncle’ Ben Amos, while Jason ‘Mildred’ Pearce blocked Keanan ‘Gordon’ Bennetts’ follow-up.

Charlton started to press and Ryan ‘Neil’ Innis directed a header straight at Tomas Holy after nine minutes.

Ipswich were forced to replace Norwood with Kayden ‘Janet’ Jackson on 25 minutes and the substitute almost turned provider for Bennetts on 37 minutes, but the midfielder blasted over.

The hosts were the better side in the second half and had the best chance after the break when Holy parried away a close-range header from Diallang Jaiyesimi (A contender for Cracking Name of the Week) on 57 minutes.

The Ipswich goalkeeper was in action again three minutes later, when he collected an effort from Liam ‘Windy’ Millar.

In a game of few chances, Jake Forster-Caskey put a sweeping effort over the crossbar on 73 minutes, before Jayden Stockley put his shot three minutes later into the arms of Holy.


Grimsby vs Bolton - Away win

Result - Grimsby 2 Bolton 1

Once again, BOO!

A frantic start to the game saw Jay Matete put Grimsby in front with a driven finish after 32 seconds, while teammate James Hanson promptly fired over.

Bolton replied with a succession of attacks, but George Thomason saw a golden chance go begging when James McKeown produced a stunning save.

Oladapo Afolayan (Another contender for Cracking Name of the Week.) curled an attempt over the crossbar, before Grimsby's goal scorer Matete was denied a second by Matt Gilks.

A classic goalmouth scramble within a minute of the restart saw Hanson, Lenell John-Lewis and Evan Khouri all denied, while Harry ‘Bernie’ Clifton volleyed over moments later.

Hanson crashed a shot against the crossbar as Grimsby eyed a second goal, but McKeown had to be alert at the other end to make two smart saves in quick-succession.

Ira Jackson Jr came off the bench to make it 2-0 five minutes from time, before Bolton substitute Shaun Miller struck an added-time consolation goal.

 

Morecambe vs Oldham - Home win

Result - Morecambe 4 Oldham 3

Yay! But too little, too late.

Morecambe (managed by ex-Motherwell player Derek Adams) took the lead in the fifth minute with a goal from Carlos Mendes-Gomes. [Mends gnomes? I’ve got one that needs repairing. The frost’s got to his little toadstool. - Ed.]

A Kelvin ‘Kay’ Mellor ball into the area looked to be heading out of play, but the Morecambe midfielder chased it down and drilled a low shot past Laurie ‘Johnnie’ Walker from a tight angle.

Yann Songo'o and Cole ‘Tees’ Stockton missed glorious chances to add to the lead before Oldham hit back with some fine attacking play of their own.

Davis Keillor-Dunn saw an effort cleared off the line before the visitors pulled one back when Conor McAleny got the wrong side of Sam Lavelle and lobbed the ball over Kyle Letheren.

The goal sparked an immediate reply from the Shrimps with Aaron Wildig restoring the lead when he poked in Mendes-Gomes’ cross from six yards out.

And the Shrimps added a third in first-half injury time when Stockton turned his marker on the edge of the box and drilled a low shot past Walker.

Morecambe extended their lead further after 54 minutes with a second from Mendes-Gomes after he ran on to a superb through ball from Toumani Diagouraga (Ooh, there’s another contender.) to slot the ball under the advancing Walker.

 

Well, that was pretty useless. Can The Grambler make amends this week? [I wouldn’t bet on it. - Ed.] Well, we’re going to have a bet on it. What has he/she/it randomly chosen?

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Rotherham - Home win - 4/6

Blackburn vs Huddersfield - Home win - 17/20

Cardiff vs Wycombe - Home win - 13/20

QPR vs Norwich - Away win - 4/5

Watford vs Millwall - Home win - 8/15

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£8.82

£8.82? What kind of a piffling amount is that?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Rotterdam in 1983. I began my senior career at Feyenoord and returned to end my playing career there. I played for Arsenal, Manchester United and Fenerbache in between. In 435 career club appearances I scored over 200 goals. I was capped for Netherlands 102 times and scored 50 international goals.

Answer - Robin Van Persie

2. Which Scot set a competition record by scoring 14 UEFA Cup goals in a single campaign.

Answer - John Wark (14 goals for Ipswich in the 1980-81 UEFA Cup.)

3. How old was Stanley Matthews when he won Ballon d’Or, a prize given to the best European player each year?

Answer - 40

4. Which English club reached the final of both the UEFA Cup and the Europa League, but lost on both occasions?

Answer - Arsenal (2000 and 2019)

5. Which club has won the most National League Titles?

Answer - Rangers with 55 titles

Some for this week? Aye, go on then.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1938 in Motherwell. I began my senior career at Motherwell, scoring 105 goals in just 144 appearances. I famously scored a hat-trick against Hibs in 2 minutes 30 seconds, one of the fastest ever recorded. In 1961 I moved to Liverpool and played 425 games for them over the next ten years. After my playing career ended, I managed Motherwell and Portsmouth, and was assistant manager at both Sheffield Wednesday and Coventry City. I later moved on to TV work and became half of a famous double-act.

And talking of hat-tricks...

2. Which player scored four Premier League hat-tricks for Southampton?

3. Let’s stick with hat-tricks. Who scored the first Premier League hat-trick?

4. Which player has scored the most Premier League hat-tricks?

5. Which player has scored the most Scottish Premiership hat-tricks?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, it is with some sadness that I must report the death of Les McKeown, remembered as the vocalist with the Bay City Rollers. Who can forget Shang-A-Lang, Bye, Bye, Baby and Give a Little Love? I know I can’t. I’ve tried going for counselling, but I still have nightmares. And they were famous for a new take on tartan fashion. The Scottish clothing industry still can’t live that one down. Anyway, Les has died aged 65 and I think we should all remember his passing with a suitable tribute...

... and wear our trousers at half mast


 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Friday 16 April 2021

Post 406 - Is that The Grambler complaints department?

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

Hah! Take that, Springer!


It's official: Prince Philip is more offensive than Jerry Springer: The Opera. Surely not, I hear you splutter through your tea/coffee/any other drink you may be consuming while reading this. Well, yes and no. It is all to do with complaints received by the British Broadcorping Casteration. Prior to the Duke’s demise, last Friday, the record number of complaints received by the Beeb had been 63,000 when that show was aired; mainly from church people who objected to the depiction of Christ. Most of those complaints most likely began, ‘I did not see this dreadful programme, but I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms... etc.’ Probably the same lot who complained about Monty Python’s Life of Brian.

Friday’s programming, following the announcement about Phil falling off his perch, received over 110,000 complaints. Yay! Divisive to the end.

Obviously, the complaints weren't levelled at Phil; they were aimed at the Beeb for it cancelling all programming on all channels to air tribute programmes for him. The gripe was that only one channel needed to be altered to show any tributes. Absolutely right. Nobody can watch more than one channel at a time so why the blanket coverage?

Not all the complaints were about the programming, however. 400 or so complaints related to Prince Andrew being interviewed. It was obviously felt by a few individuals that Andy was still persona non grata after his involvement with the well-known nonce Jeffrey Epstein came to light.

A couple of hundred people moaned about the lack of respect shown by the presenters of the tribute and news programmes. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, they weren't wearing sombre enough clothing, apparently. Come on, every person I saw was wearing dark clothing, surely that was enough. Not for these saddos it wasn't. What were they looking for? Black ties for the men? Black veils for the women?

The expression ‘get a life’ comes to mind.

One reason for the incredibly high number of complaints may have been that the Beeb set up a dedicated complaints line, which brings me to the final largish group to complain. 116 people complained to the Beeb for making it too easy to complain.

Talking of his passing, I do hope you enjoyed reading Prince Philip’s gaffes last week. What an amusing guy, you might be thinking. Or you might be thinking, what an arrogant bully of a man.

I think the latter comment is nearer the truth. Prince Philip led an extremely privileged life. Such an existence also gave him that sense of entitlement only enjoyed by royalty (and ex-public school boys who go on to be prime minister). Thus, he could say and do what he liked and nobody would question him. He wasn’t a tall man, but he could talk down to anybody.

As already stated, the TV was awash with tributes to him on the day he died. (Obviously, these had been prepared well in advance; the death of an eminent 99 year old isn’t exactly unexpected.)

People that knew him eulogised about what a ‘character’ he was. When I hear that said of someone, I always think it means they are a bit too unpredictable; or, to put it bluntly, trouble.

Another word that was used was irascible. That is just a polite way of saying he was a bad-tempered old git.

Frankly, he seemed to be the sort of guy who said what he liked and didn't care who he upset in the process. [I didn’t know he was a Yorkshireman. - Ed.]

One term that someone used in describing him was that ‘he didn't suffer fools gladly’. It’s an expression I’ve heard attributed to many individuals... none of them nice people, I should add.

I remember back in the days when I worked for a living, rather than wrote ill-informed blogs, there was a work colleague who was proud to use the expression about himself as if it was some sort of badge of honour. I also remember another work-mate who returned the perfect comment when the said arrogant git spoke this line to another person. And that riposte was: ‘If that's what you think, then you're the fool.’

Not surprisingly, the first colleague never uttered the words again.

What a pity no-one was brave enough to tell Prince Philip.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 17th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Harry Champion 1865 - Music hall comedian/singer. Here’s a recording from 110 years back. Seriously.  Here's Any Old Iron

William Holden 1918 - Actor. Starred in Golden Boy in 1939 which may have helped coin his nickname of Golden Holden. Oh, how we laughed. Came to an ignominious end. He was a heavy drinker and he died when he tripped while drunk and hit his head off a table.

Lindsay Anderson 1923 - Film Director

Gordon Rollings 1926 - Jobbing actor. Charlie Moffitt in Coronation Street. That was him.

James Last 1929 - Bandleader. Famous for easy-listening recordings often labeled ‘Non-Stop Dancing’ where dozens of popular tunes were strung together to form a complete album. He must have been doing something right; between 1963 and 2006 over 190 studio albums were released. Here’s a 1966 toon Midnight in December.

Eve Pearce 1929 - Jobbing actress. Lady Fisher in High Road. Her.

Chris Barber 1930 - Musician. Have a clip. Here's his take on an old hymn, Just a Closer Walk with Thee.

Tony Bilbow 1932 - TV presenter and scriptwriter.

Don Kirshner 1934 - Music publisher. Known as ‘The man with the golden ear’ thanks to his ability to spot up and coming talent.

Colin Campbell 1937 - Actor. Sergeant Willoughby in The Ruth Rendall Mysteries (1988-1992). Him.

Ferdinand Karl Piëch 1937 - Engineer and businessman. Head of VW until 2015.

John Stalker 1939 - Policeman. Used to advertise roller shutter doors.

John McCririck 1940 - Eccentric TV horse racing pundit.

Ronald Wycherley aka Billy Fury 1940 - Singer. Here’s his highest charting single which stalled at number 2, Jealousy.

Brian Miller 1941 - Jobbing actor.

David Bradley 1941 - Actor. Argus Filch in the Harry Potter films. Him.

Tony Crane 1945 - Musician. A Merseybeat or a Mersey. Take your pick. Have a clip. Here's The Merseys with Sorrow.

Henry Kelly 1946 - TV and radio presenter.

Clare Francis 1946 - Writer and sailor.

David Kaffinetti 1946 - Musician. Keyboard wizard with prog rock band Rare Bird. Here’s a clip, Beautiful Scarlet from 1970.

Jan Hammer 1948 - Musician. Here’s something he was famous for, the Miami Vice Theme.  Godawful video.

Olivia Hussey 1951 - Actress. Played Juliet in Romeo and Juliet (1968). Er... That’s it.

Pete Shelley 1955 - A Buzzcock. A clip? Here's Love You More.

David Lowe 1955 - Actor, composer, film director and scientist. In fact, a right old smarty boots.

Lance Taylor aka Africa Bambaataa 1957 - DJ, rapper, songwriter and producer from Da Braaanx. Have a clip.  Here he is with UB40 and Reckless.

Nick Hornby 1957 - Orfer. Fever Pitch. That was one of his. He is also something of a lyricist. Here’s one of his, Ben Folds Five with Levi Johnston's Blues.

Sean Bean 1959 - Actor. Father Michael Kerrigan in Broken. Not related to Rowan Atkinson.

Catherine Russell 1965 - Actress. Serena Campbell in Holby City and Casualty. Her.

Chris McCart 1967 - Fitba guy. Played for Motherwell, you know.

Henry Ian Cusick 1967 - Actor. Desmond Hume in Lost. Him.

Lee Whitlock 1968 - Actor. First appeared on TV in 1980. Stanley Moon in Shine on Harvey Moon. That was an early role for him.

Tamara Beckwith 1970 - Posh bird. Famous for being a posh bird.

Claire Sweeney 1971 - Actress. Lindsey Corkhill in Brooookside. Her.

Victoria Beckham 1974 - Now famous as Mrs Beckham, but used to be a singer, apparently.  Here she is with This Groove

Susie Amy 1981 - Actress. Chardonnay Lane-Pascoe in Footballers’ Wives. Her.

Josie Long 1982 - Comedian.

Paula Lane 1986 - Actress. Kylie Platt in Coronation Street. Her.

Lorna Fitzgerald 1996 - Actress. Abi Branning in Eastenders. Her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Africa Gramblaataa,

I really enjoyed hearing a Buzzcocks song again. Here’s a question for you: what was the first single that charted for The Buzzcocks?

Yours with love,

Waldo I. Gett.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? A bit better than last week with, not two out of five but, three out of five. Yay! Well, sort of yay. From our £2.20 outlay, we recouped £2.24. So, we’re in profit. Just. What happened? Read on...

Portsmouth vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 1 Burton 2

Boo!

Mike ‘Cheese’ Fondop and Josh ‘Nosher’ Powell scored either side of half-time to give Burton three points.

A first half devoid of any real chances burst into life in the last minute of normal time when Tom ‘Doon’ Hamer's long throw caused havoc in the home defence.

Fondop's initial header was miraculously saved by Craig MacGillivray but he was on hand to hook the rebound into the Pompey net.

Powell doubled the visitors' lead two minutes after the break with a perfectly struck shot from 30 yards out after Sean Clare tapped a free-kick into his path.

Burton put 10 men behind the ball for most of the game but pressed high on Portsmouth to prevent them from having any real possession.

Charlie Daniels' header two minutes from time proved no more than a consolation goal for Pompey.

 

Sunderland vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Sunderland 1 Charlton 2

Once more I say BOO!

The Addicks secured the points courtesy of an own goal from Black Cats midfielder Josh Scowen in the 31st minute and a low finish from Alex Gilbey in the 61st minute.

Scowen pulled one back for Sunderland with 13 minutes remaining but they could not find an equaliser.

Sunderland could, and perhaps should, have been in front before the opening goal but Charlie Wyke missed two fantastic opportunities.

Charlton took the lead when Scowen's attempted clearance on the line hit the roof of the net after Ryan Inniss' header was only half saved by Lee Burge.

Addicks striker Jayden Stockley had already headed against the post when Gilbey latched on to his flick-on just after the hour to add the second from close range.

Scowen made amends to put Sunderland back in it with a 20-yard diving header, after goalkeeper Ben Amos had denied Wyke again.

But the Wearsiders could not find a way to level things up in a frantic five minutes of stoppage-time.

 

Bradford vs Grimsby - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 1 Grimsby 0

Yay!

Grimsby were reduced to 10 men after Stefan ‘Awfy’ Payne was sent off at the end of the first half for appearing to headbutt his own team-mate, winger Filipe ‘Minor’ Morais.

After an even first half-hour, the home side began to test the Grimsby defence and after 33 minutes visiting keeper James McKeown made the first serious save of the game when he dived full length to keep out Gareth ‘Good’ Evans' shot on the turn.

Right-back Finn ‘Myperfect’ Cousin-Dawson then had a fierce shot blocked in a crowded goalmouth two minutes later as Bradford stepped up the pressure.

Andy Cook then saw his diving header deflected for a corner after the Grimsby defence failed to clear Conor ‘Tiger’ Wood's left-wing cross and this led to Bradford taking the lead in the 42nd minute.

The visitors could only partially clear the corner and when Evans returned the ball into the goalmouth, Anthony O'Connor scored with a diving header from close range as Morais flicked the ball towards his own goal.

Then after the one minute allowed for stoppage time, Payne, apparently annoyed with Morais for a misplaced pass, appeared to headbutt his own team-mate and was shown a red card by referee James Bell as the players left the field.

Grimsby made a determined bid for an equaliser in the second half, with their best effort coming in the 74th minute when Bradford goalkeeper Richard O'Donnell did well to block a fierce shot from substitute Harry ‘Bernie’ Clifton.

 

Cheltenham vs Leyton Orient - Prediction Home win

Result - Cheltenham 1 Orient 0

Yay!

A first-half Conor ‘Rufus’ Thomas penalty was enough for Cheltenham to see off Leyton Orient.

The home side dominated the early chances, with the first coming after just nine minutes when Andy ‘Moon River’ Williams headed just wide.

Charlie ‘Sleeve’ Raglan fired just wide before the opening goal arrived in the 31st minute when Orient goalkeeper Lawrence ‘Vim and’ Vigouroux clattered into Williams.

That earned the Robins a penalty and the O's keeper a yellow card, and Thomas made no mistake from the spot.

Chris ‘Brazen’ Hussey put another effort wide shortly afterwards before both keepers were called into action early in the second half.

First Cheltenham's Josh ‘Melanie’ Griffiths reacted well to push a point-blank Danny Johnson header over the crossbar and then an excellent diving save from Vigouroux denied Liam ‘Harry’ Sercombe at the other end.

Orient saw plenty of the ball in the closing stages but failed to get past a solid Cheltenham defence.

 

Salford City vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Salford 2 Stevenage 1

Yippee aye yippee aye YAY!

Richie ‘Beach’ Towell spurned a glorious opportunity to hand the hosts an early lead when he volleyed over from close range inside 10 minutes.

Stevenage also threatened an opener in an even first half but Elliott ‘Chopin’ List was thwarted from an acute angle by the onrushing Vaclav Hladky.

Despite failing to record a shot on target in the opening period, Salford began the second half with promise and were rewarded when Brandon Thomas-Asante converted a Towell cross shortly after the restart.

The lead proved short-lived, however, with Luther Wildin's thunderous strike from outside the area arrowing into the top corner beyond a helpless Hladky.

Thomas-Asante fired a free-kick from long range against the crossbar as the hosts looked to reclaim their advantage and, with 76 minutes gone, Ian Henderson nodded in an Ibou Touray corner to give Salford the win.

 

That was last week; what about this week? Well, you may have heard that Prince Philip died last week [You’ve told us already. - Ed.]. Well, not content with annoying the nation’s TV watchers, he’s now doing the same for us footy fans. How so, I hear you say. His funeral is due to take place at 3pm on Saturday 17th of April... Just when we all settle down to listen to the footy on the wireless. And? And, they’ve only been and gorn and moved all the games to 12.30. Oh well, nothing can be done about it now so, for this week only, all The Grambler’s predictions relate to games taking place at 12.30. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected.

Game - Result - Odds

Luton vs Watford - Away win - 3/4

Middlesbrough vs QPR - Home win - Evens

Charlton vs Ipswich - Home win - 10/11

Grimsby vs Bolton - Away win - 10/11

Morecambe vs Oldham - Home win - 10/11

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£12.56

A whole 6 pees more than we didn’t win last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I joined Tottenham Hotspur’s youth squad in 1970 and progressed to the senior team in 1975. I made 377 appearances during which I scored 105 goals. I earned 53 caps for England. My managerial career took me to five clubs and I was also England manager for three years. Although my success rate was high at 60%, I was dismissed due to my views on disabled people.

Answer - Glenn Hoddle

2. Which Irish player has won three European Cup winners medals?

Answer - Steve Heighway (Liverpool 1977, 1978 and 1981)

3. Which Polish player has made over 200 Premier League appearances?

Answer - Łukasz Fabiański (271 and counting)

4. Which England manager won the most England caps in his playing career?

Answer - Stuart Pearce (78)

5. Which national side was given the nickname ‘The Pirate Ship’ after Euro 2004?

Answer - Greece

What about a few for this week?

1. Who am I? [Who cares? - Ed.]

I was born in Rotterdam in 1983. I began my senior career at Feyenoord and returned to end my playing career there. I played for Arsenal, Manchester United and Fenerbache in between. In 435 career club appearances I scored over 200 goals. I was capped for Netherlands 102 times and scored 50 international goals.

2. Which Scot set a competition record by scoring 14 UEFA Cup goals in a single campaign.

3. How old was Stanley Matthews when he won Ballon d’Or, a prize given to the best European player each year?

4. Which English club reached the final of both the UEFA Cup and the Europa League, but lost on both occasions?

5. Which club has won the most National League Titles?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, you may be aware that a certain Prince Philip died last week. [Yes, you keep telling us. - Ed.] Well, spare a thought for Australian comedian, Lewis Spears. They do say comedy is all about timing.  By the way, that is most definitely NFSW.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Friday 9 April 2021

Post 405 - The Grambler will miss Prince Philip

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

Take a look at this photograph. 

That's a nice... What is that?
.

Any ideas? Yes, you at the back? Yes, that’s correct... Something white on a black background. Perhaps you could expand on that a little. Somethiiing whiiite onnn a blaaack baaackground... Very good. Any serious thoughts? A white piece of material. Correct. What can you see on this piece of material? Nothing. Exactly.

Has The Grambler gone a bit loopy, I hear you ask. [A bit more loopy, I think you mean. - Ed.] The reason for showing you this piece of material is that I recently cut it off a shirt. [Why on Earth would you cut a rectangle of material from a shirt? - Ed.] Let me explain. You know the little piece of material that carries the washing instructions for a garment? That’s what this is. Or was. But where are the instructions, I hear you ask. [Who are you talking to? - Ed.] They are certainly not on this piece of material. Why not? Because, when the shirt went into the washing machine... at the temperature stipulated, I might add... that is what happened to the washing instructions. They were blibbing well washed off.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t the instruction on such a piece of material supposed to be there throughout the useable life of the garment to which it is attached? It isn’t much use if the information it carries has been, like any dirt on the garment, washed away.

I am at a loss trying to understand why manufacturers make goods with washing instructions that can’t withstand the washing procedure for the article it is attached to. It makes no sense. Or does it? Come with me now, as we listen in to a meeting of high-flyers at a clothing manufacturer...

‘These shirts we manufacture are lasting far too long. Joe public isn’t buying them often enough. Any ideas? Smith?’

‘Well, sir, we could sell them at a higher price.’

‘It’s a thought, but we can’t just hike the price up overnight. Our business was built on quality merchandise at reasonable prices. Anyone else got any ideas?’

‘Why don’t we use inferior thread? The shirt wouldn’t last long before the stitching gave way...’

‘Are you mad? This company has a reputation for producing quality shirts at affordable prices. We’d lose all the goodwill we’ve built up over the years. There must be some other way. Anyone got any better ideas?’

‘I was thinking, sir, why don’t we make the washing instructions themselves, wash off?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Yes. What would happen is that for the first wash or two, the instructions clearly state that the garment should be washed at, maybe, 20 degrees. By the time it is washed for the fourth time, say, those instructions will be illegible and whoever washes it will probably think it should be washed at 40, or even 60, degrees. After a couple of washes at the wrong temperature, the colour will start to fade and the user will just use it as an old work shirt, but, because it was such a comfortable shirt, he or she will go and buy a new one to replace it.’

‘That sounds brilliant. Hang about. What if the person complains?’

‘My guess is that few people will and if anyone should, we would just tell them that the washing instructions did state clearly the temperature at which the garment should be washed.’

‘But it didn’t state them clearly.’

‘Ah, but it did originally. We would simply argue that they ignored the temperature guidelines which, had they been adhered to, would still be entirely legible... or tell them that the washing instruction labels were printed elsewhere and are not our responsibility.’

‘Brilliant. Here, have a promotion.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 10th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

James V of Scotland 1512 - The well-known king. Became king at 17 months. His mum was Margaret Tudor, daughter of Henry VII of England and sister of Henry VIII. James fathered three legitimate children and had nine known illegitimate sprogs; three of those while he was still a teenager. Honestly. Royalty. What are they like?

William Booth 1829 - Methodist preacher who founded the Salvation Army and was its first General.

George Arliss 1868 - Ectaw dear leddie. Starred in loads of films. Very versatile, he was. He played Benjamin Disraeli in Disraeli (1921). Then, in 1929, he played Benjamin Disraeli in Disraeli. In 1931 he was in Impressions of Disraeli as Benjamin Dis... Hang on a minute.

Vladimir Nabokov 1899 - Orfer. He wrote The Real Life of Sebastian Knight, Bend Sinister, Pnin, Pale Fire and... You’re not interested, are you? You only remember him for writing Lolita.

Harry Mortimer 1902 - Composer and conductor. Here’s one of his toons. THE MEDALLION - H R Moreton - Men Of Brass/Harry Mortimer OBE - Decca LF 1263 - YouTube

Vic Feather 1908 - General Secretary of the Trades Union Congress.

John Alderson 1916 - Jobbing actor. Imdb credits him with 147 roles over a TV/film career from 1951 to 1990.

Norman Vaughan 1923 - Comedian, it says here.

Lyndon Brook 1926 - Jobbing actor. Imdb credits him with 91 roles over a career lasting from 1942 to 1987. Crawf in 1980’s Wainwright’s Law. Him.

Mike Hawthorn 1929 - Britain’s first Formula One World Champion. Retired on winning the title in 1958. Died three months later in a road accident.

Patrick Garland 1935 - Director, writer and actor.

David Spencer 1936 - Who? Known better as Ricky Valance. (Not Richie Valens as so many Youtubers seem to think.) A singer. Here’s his 1960 number one. Ricky Valance - Tell Laura I Love Her (1960).mpg - YouTube

Gloria Hunniford 1940 - TV and radio presenter.

Ian Callaghan 1942 - Footy bloke. Holds the record for the most appearances for Liverpool; 640 games from 1959 to 1978.

Stephen Churchette 1947 - Jobbing actor. Marcus Christie in Eastenders. Him.

Steve Nardelli 1948 - Musician. Who? He founded a band called The Syn in 1966. And? Two other members of the band were bassist Chris Squire and guitarist Peter Banks who would go on to create Yes. So, you could say that The Syn was a precursor to Yes. Let’s see if there is a track on Ya tube... The Syn - Grounded - YouTube

Kevin McAlea 1949 - Musician and songwriter. Played keyboards on albums by Barclay James Harvest, Kate Bush and Poly Styrene. He also wrote the English lyrics to this. NENA | 99 Red Balloons - YouTube

Burke Shelley 1950 - Musician. Singer and bassist with Budgie. Here a clip. Budgie - Who Do You Want for Your Love ? Live in The Old Grey Whistle Test - YouTube

David Moorcroft 1953 - Runny bloke.

Lesley Garrett 1955 - Chanter. Here’s a clip. Lesley Garrett - I Dreamed A Dream - YouTube

Gerda Stevenson 1956 - Actress, director and writer. Although more of a theatre actress, she has appeared in a few TV and film productions. She was Mother McClannough in Braveheart.

Kevin Doyle 1960 - Actor. Mr. Molesley in Downton Abbey. Him.

Nicky Campbell 1961 - Radio and TV personality.

Peter Morgan 1963 - Playwright and film writer. He was responsible for such gems as The Queen, Frost/Nixon and The Damned United.

Helen Masters 1963 - Jobbing actress. Best-known, perhaps, as DI Lane in Wycliffe.

Alan ‘Reni’ Wren 1964 - Drummer for The Stone Roses. The Stone Roses - Fools Gold (Official Video) - YouTube Reni’s the one in the daft bunnet.

Steve Claridge 1966 - Footy bloke.

Gordon Buchanan 1972 - Wildlife film maker and presenter.

Aidan Moffatt 1973 - Musician. Half of Arab Strap. Here’s a typically cheery toon from them. Arab Strap // The Turning of Our Bones (Official Video) - YouTube WARNING: THIS VIDEO IS A BIT LOT GORY AND FEATURES A SWEARY OR TWO.

Clare Buckfield 1976 - Actress. Jenny Porter in 2point4children. That was her.

Julie Buckfield 1976 - Actress. Clare’s twin. Julie Matthews in Hollyoaks. That was her.

Charlie Hunnam 1980 - Actor. Jackson ‘Jax’ Teller in Sons of Anarchy. Him.

Liz McClarnon 1981 - Singer/songwriter. A bit of Atomic Kitten. She wrote this one. Atomic Kitten - See Ya - YouTube

Joanna Christie 1982 - Actress. Connie Murphy in 2016 series Narcos. Her.

Gary McDonald 1982 - Fitba guy.

Alex Pettyfer 1990 - Actor. Very versatile, he is. He played Tony Curtis in 2018’s Urban Myths. Then, in the same year in the short film It’s Me, Sugar, he played Tony Curti... Wait a minute. I’m getting a distinct feeling of deja vu.

Daisy Ridley 1992 - Actress. Rey in the Star Wars films/TVseries/video games.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gloria Gramblyford,

I’m so glad you gave a link to an Atomic Kitten song. Your chosen track, 2000’s release See Ya, only reached number 6 in the charts; they had to wait until the following year for their first number 1. Can you remember what it was called?

Yours with love,

Holly Genn.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

Before we start the predictions, you might be interested in a news item that caught my attention this week. You might not, but I’ll tell you about it anyway. It concerns a man who enjoys a bit of online gambling with Bet... Ted. (Do you see what I did there?). He was busy betting away one evening a couple or three years back when he seemed to hit a winning streak. Woo hoo, he thought, or something quite like it. By the end of the evening he had won £1.7 million; a veritable fortune. Naturally, he was keen to cash in his winnings and so he contacted BetNed who immediately pulled out all the stops and refused to pay out on the bet. Excuse me? They claimed that there had been a software glitch which meant the game wasn’t operating properly. I think what theymeant was that the game wasn’t loaded in its favour as is normally the case.

Our would-be millionaire thought sod this for a game of soldiers, or something quite like it, and took Bet... I’m running out of names that rhyme with Fred... Oh, what a give away... to court.

Guess what. The judge ruled in favour of the gambler, not the betting conglomerate. Yay! Well done, wee man. Not only did he receive all his winnings, he won another 300 grand in costs. Take that bookie giant!

As you will see, we who follow the advice of The Grambler don’t need to worry about such matters.

How did The Grambler’s first batch of predictions in five months fare? Two out of five? 78 pees back from an outlay of £2.20? [No court case, then. - Ed.] Oh dear. Let’s just say that he/she/it is a bit rusty. What happened? Read on...

Coventry vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 3 Bristol City 1

Yay!

The hosts took an early lead when Leo Ostigard finished after Bristol City failed to deal with a throw-in.

Matt ‘Flash’ Godden doubled the home side's lead with a powerfully struck penalty after Tomas ‘Maria’ Kalas was adjudged to have tripped Tyler ‘Bathroom’ Walker in the area, before Nahki Wells looked to have set up a nervy finish when he capitalised on Kyle ‘Zabeaut’ McFadzean's under-hit backpass.

However, Walker latched on to a poorly directed pass from Robins substitute Tommy ‘Dizzy’ Rowe and Callum O'Hare unselfishly teed up Viktor Gyokeres to slot in a third.

 

Rotherham vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win

Result - Rotherham 0 Wycombe 3

Boo! Seriously, BOO!

Admiral ‘Nelson’ Muskwe fired the Chairboys into the lead in the second minute and Jason McCarthy's deflected strike made it 2-0 to the visitors midway through the first half.

The Millers dominated the end of the first period but David Stockdale denied Ben ‘Thinker’ Wiles, Jamie Lindsay and Lewis ‘Delta’ Wing.

Wycombe continued to defend stoutly after the break and David ‘Three’ Wheeler made the points safe in the closing stages, latching on to a flick-on by Adebayo Akinfenwa (Candidate for ‘Cracking Name of the Week’ title.) to finish from a narrow angle.

 

Swansea vs Preston - Prediction Home win

Result - Swansea 0 Preston 1

BOO!

Preston controlled a first half of little quality, with Brad ‘Chamber’ Potts twice going close.

The second period was also scrappy, Preston substitute Scott Sinclair heading over against his former club.

Sinclair had another chance in injury time, and this time his shot was turned into his own net by Matt ‘Greasan’ Grimes.

The Swans failed to produce a single shot on target.

 

Burton Albion vs Swindon - Prediction Home win

Result - Burton 2 Swindon 1

Yay!

Skipper John ‘Donkey’ Brayford's thumping header gave Burton a crucial 2-1 victory over Swindon.

The full-back raced into the box to head home Joe ‘Nosher’ Powell's free-kick with seven minutes to go to secure a first Burton win in five games after Tom ‘MC’ Hamer's opener had been cancelled out by Jack ‘Freda’ Payne's fine finish.

Hamer's first Burton goal gave Albion the lead after 26 minutes - the left-back was fouled out wide and former Swindon loanee Jonny Smith sent in a tempting free-kick which Hamer rose highest to head home.

As Albion looked to double their advantage, they were pegged back 10 minutes before half-time.

A deep cross was only cleared as far as Payne, who lashed home a superb left-footed 25-yard effort into the corner beyond the reach of home keeper Ben ‘Jasper’ Garratt.

Payne fired over early in the second half and Brett ‘Coal’ Pitman was denied by Hayden ‘Orson’ Carter on the line.

Scott ‘Needlan’ Twine tested Garratt with a long-range effort which was beaten away, with Pitman heading the rebound wide.

 

Oxford Utd vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Home win

Result - Oxford 1 Accrington Stanley 2

BOO!

Defender Michael ‘Sherriffa’ Nottingham produced a great finish 20 minutes from time to earn Accrington a 2-1 triumph at Oxford.

Nottingham controlled a clearance with a fine first touch then hammered in a half-volley from 10 yards to bring Stanley a vital win.

Accrington thought they should have had a goal when Dion ‘Lord’ Charles looked to have stabbed the ball over the line at a corner, but it was not given.

However, they went in front from their next attack, on 16 minutes, when forward Paul Smyth fired high into the net from 15 yards.

Oxford equalised nine minutes later with Elliot ‘Stan’ Lee slotting home from Matt Taylor's pass.

Jack ‘Shaky’ Stevens' smart double save kept the U's level as he turned Sean ‘Sheep’ McConville's free-kick onto a post then smartly saved a follow-up shot.

At the other end Toby ‘Jug’ Savin saved well from Lee and Olamide Shodipo (Another contender.) before Nottingham popped up with the winner.

 

Ho hum. Not a great re-start to the season. This week, maybe? What has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Portsmouth vs Burton Albion - Home win - 3/4

Sunderland vs Charlton - Home win - 10/11

Bradford vs Grimsby - Home win - Evens

Cheltenham vs Leyton Orient - Home win - 4/5

Salford City vs Stevenage - Home win - Evens

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£12.50


A bit less unwhopping than last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Doncaster in 1951. I started my senior career at Scunthorpe United before moving to Liverpool. In 1977 I moved to Germany. I moved back to England in 1980 and played for Southampton and then Newcastle. I was capped for England 63 times. I began my managerial career at Newcastle. My first name is Joseph and I famously like cheap deodorant.

Answer - Kevin Keegan (In case you didn’t get the deodorant reference, he used to advertise Brut 33. He splashed it all over, apparently.)

2. For which club did Norwegian Brede Hangeland make 217 Premier League appearances?

Answer - Fulham

3. Why will you never see a West Ham player in a number 6 shirt?

Answer - The number was ‘retired’ in honour of long-time West Ham player Bobby Moore when he died of bowel cancer. Number 38 has been retired in the same way in honour of Dylan Tombides who died of testicular cancer aged just 20.

4. Who was Arsenal’s Scottish manager when they won the FA Cup in 1993?

Answer - George Graham

5. What was the last team from outside the top division to win the FA Cup?

Answer - West Ham (1980)

Some for this week? Why not...

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I joined Tottenham Hotspur’s youth squad in 1970 and progressed to the senior team in 1975. I made 377 appearances during which I scored 105 goals. I earned 53 caps for England. My managerial career took me to five clubs and I was also England manager for three years. Although my success rate was high at 60%, I was dismissed due to my views on disabled people.

2. Which Irish player has won three European Cup winners medals?

3. Which Polish player has made over 200 Premier League appearances?

4. Which England manager won the most England caps in his playing career?

5. Which national side was given the nickname ‘The Pirate Ship’ after Euro 2004?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

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Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, it is with some sadness that I acknowledge the death of 99 year old Mr P. Windsor. Yes, Betty’s hubbie, Phil the Greek aka Chookie Embra aka Prince Philip of Greece and Denmark, has popped his clogs. Regular readers of this august blog (and irregular readers too) may recall an edition back in June 2017 when, to celebrate his 96th birthday, a whole blog was devoted to his ‘problem’. What problem was that, I hear you ask. Well, old Phil suffered from what he called foot in mouth disease (See number 76). If you wanted someone to say the wrong, and often offensive, thing, he was your man. So, to mark his passing, here are the 93 Philip quotes that I included in that issue four years ago. Apologies for repeating old material. Let’s call it recycling. Anyway, enjoy the words of the late, great, gaffer...


1. After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”


2. To a car park attendant who didn’t recognise him in 1997, he snapped: “You bloody silly fool!”


3. To Simon Kelner, republican editor of The Independent, at Windsor Castle reception: “What are you doing here?” “I was invited, sir.” Philip: “Well, you didn’t have to come.”


4. To female sea cadet: “Do you work in a strip club?”


5. To expats in Abu Dhabi in 2011: “Are you running away from something?”


6. After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.”


7. At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”


8. To multi-ethnic Britain’s Got Talent 2009 winners Diversity: “Are you all one family?”


9. To the President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”


10. His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”


11. At Hertfordshire University, 2003: “During the Blitz, a lot of shops had their windows blown in and put up notices saying, ‘More open than usual’. I now declare this place more open than usual.”


12. To deaf children by a steel band, 2000: “Deaf? If you’re near there, no wonder you are deaf.”


13. To a tourist in Budapest in 1993: “You can’t have been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly.”


14. To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”


15. His verdict on Stoke-on-Trent, during a visit in 1997: “Ghastly.”


16. To Atul Patel at reception for influential Indians, 2009: “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.”


17. Peering at a fuse box in a Scottish factory, he said: “It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.” He later backtracked: “I meant to say cowboys.”


18. To Lockerbie residents after plane bombing, 1993: “People say after a fire it’s water damage that’s the worst. We’re still drying out Windsor Castle.”


19. In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”


20. “I never see any home cooking – all I get is fancy stuff.” 1987


21. On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”


22. Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”


23. “We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.


24. At party in 2004: “Bugger the table plan, give me my dinner!”


25. To a woman solicitor, 1987: “I thought it was against the law for a woman to solicit.”


26. To a civil servant, 1970: “You’re just a silly little Whitehall twit: you don’t trust me and I don’t trust you.”


27. On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”


28. On the new £18million British Embassy in Berlin in 2000: “It’s a vast waste of space.”


29. After the Dunblane massacre, 1996: “If a cricketer suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, are you going to ban cricket bats?”


30. To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002: “If you travel as much as we do, you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don’t travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.”


31. On stress counselling for servicemen in 1995: “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun. You just got on with it!”


32. On Tom Jones, 1969: “It’s difficult to see how it’s possible to become immensely valuable by singing what are the most hideous songs.”


33. To the Scottish WI in 1961: “British women can’t cook.”


34. To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”


35. To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”


36. To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”


37. At a WF meeting in 1986: “If it has four legs and it’s not a chair, if it’s got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane and if it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”


38. “You ARE a woman, aren’t you?” Kenya, 1984.


39. A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”


40. On Ethiopian art, 1965: “It looks like the kind of thing my daughter would bring back from school art lessons.”


41. To a fashion writer in 1993: “You’re not wearing mink knickers,are you?”


42. To Susan Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: “They have eating dogs for the anorexic now.”


43. When offered wine in Rome in 2000, he snapped: “I don’t care what kind it is, just get me a beer!”


44. “I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.


45. At City Hall in 2002: “If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion.”


46. On seeing a piezo-meter water gauge in Australia: “A pissometer?”


47. “You have mosquitoes. I have the Press.” To matron of Caribbean hospital, 1966.


48. At a Bangladeshi youth club in 2002: “So who’s on drugs here?... HE looks as if he’s on drugs.”


49. To a children’s band in Australia in 2002: “You were playing your instruments? Or do you have tape recorders under your seats?”


50. At Duke of Edinburgh Awards scheme, 2006. “Young people are the same as they always were. Just as ignorant.”


51. On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”


52. To Elton John on his gold Aston Martin in 2001: “Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car, is it?”


53. At an engineering school closed so he could officially open it, 2005: “It doesn’t look like much work goes on at this university.”


54. To Aboriginal leader William Brin, Queensland, 2002: “Do you still throw spears at each other?”


55. At a Scottish fish farm: “Oh! You’re the people ruining the rivers.”


56. After a breakfast of bacon, eggs, smoked salmon, kedgeree, croissants and pain au chocolat – from Gallic chef Regis Crépy, 2002: “The French don’t know how to cook breakfast.”


57. To schoolboy who invited the Queen to Romford, Essex, 2003: “Ah, you’re the one who wrote the letter. So you can write then?”


58. To black politician Lord Taylor of Warwick, 1999: “And what exotic part of the world do you come from?”


59. To parents at a previously struggling Sheffield school, 2003: “Were you here in the bad old days? ... That’s why you can’t read and write then!”


60. To Andrew Adams, 13, in 1998: “You could do with losing a little bit of weight.”


61. “Where’s the Southern Comfort?” When presented with a hamper of goods by US ambassador, 1999.


62. To editor of downmarket tabloid: “Where are you from?” “The S*n, sir.” Philip: “Oh, no . . . one can’t tell from the outside.”


63. Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”


64. Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”


65. “People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.” 2000.


66. After hearing President Obama had had breakfast with leaders of the UK, China and Russia, 2010: “Can you tell the difference between them?”


67. On students from Brunei, 1998: “I don’t know how they’re going to integrate in places like Glasgow and Sheffield.”


68. On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”


69. To nursing-home resident in a wheelchair, 2002: “Do people trip over you?”


70. Discussing tartan with then-Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie: “That’s a nice tie... Do you have any knickers in that material?”


71. To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”


72. On a crocodile he shot in Gambia in 1957: “It’s not a very big one, but at least it’s dead and it took an awful lot of killing!”


73. On being made Chancellor of Edinburgh University in 1953: “Only a Scotsman can really survive a Scottish education.”


74. “I must be the only person in Britain glad to see the back of that plane.” He hated the noise Concorde made flying over Buckingham Palace, 2002


75. To a fashion designer, 2009: “Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?”


76. To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”


77. On stroking a koala in 1992: “Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease.”


78. On marriage in 1997: “You can take it from me the Queen has the quality of tolerance in abundance.”


79. To schoolchildren in blood-red uniforms, 1998: “It makes you all look like Dracula’s daughters!”


80. “I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.


81. To female Labour MPs in 2000: “So this is feminist corner then.”


82. On Nottingham Forest trophies in 1999: “I suppose I’d get in trouble if I were to melt them down.”


83. “It’s my custom to say something flattering to begin with so I shall be excused if I put my foot in it later on.” 1956.


84. To a penniless student in 1998: “Why don’t you go and live in a hostel to save cash?”


85. On robots colliding, Science Museum, 2000: “They’re not mating are they?”


86. While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”


87. To newsreader Michael Buerk, when told he knew about the Duke of Edinburgh’s Gold Awards, 2004: “That’s more than you know about anything else then.”


88. To a British student in China, 1986: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll go home with slitty eyes.”


89. To journalist Caroline Wyatt, who asked if the Queen was enjoying a Paris trip, 2006: “Damn fool question!”


90. On smoke alarms to a woman who lost two sons in a fire, 1998: “They’re a damn nuisance - I’ve got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.”


91. To an attractive blonde well-wisher during a Diamond Jubilee visit with the Queen to Bromley, South London: "I would be arrested if I unzipped that dress."


92. To a Filipino nurse as he unveiled a new cardiac centre at Luton and Dunstable University Hospital in February: "The Philippines must be half empty, you're all here running the NHS."


93. Prince Philip jokingly told a double amputee he should put wheels on his prosthetic limbs to move around quicker. Trooper Cayle Royce, who lost both legs in a bomb blast in Afghanistan, said Philip was "my hero" and "really comedy."

 

I agree. Comedy gold.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.