Week 30 - The Grambler looks at the Daily Pail

The Grambler is the brainchild of Stewart David Smith, who lost his wonderful life to Colorectal, or Bowel, cancer aged just 28.  He fought a horrendous battle for 2 years and 1 month, defeating septicemia, multi-organ failure, antibiotic-induced hearing loss, kidney failure and countless other complications with a bravery none of us will ever see again. 

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Time for another moan.  I know, I know.  It’s turning into The Grumbler instead of The Grambler.  This time my target of choice is that marvellous organ of fair reporting, the Maily Dail.  I was being sarcastic there, in case you think I actually like the paper.  Does anyone out there in Gramblerland read it?  No one?  Who would admit to it, anyway?  Sadly, I must confess that Mrs Grambler and I do buy it.  Only on a Saturday though; it has a rather good TV guide.  But the rest of it… Oh dear me, no.  If ever you were to walk past our house on a Saturday and heard wails of despair, you would know that, against my better judgment, I was actually reading said journal.  I say journal, but that suggests that some individual has actually written something of worth.  Most of the paper’s journalistic content seems to be some jaded hack’s vitriolic outburst about some celebrity or other.  They usually draw you in with a spiteful, lurid headline – ‘A beautiful actress who had the world at her feet – So how come she is now a booze filled drug addict who sells her body for sex?’  That sort of thing.  The fact that the person in question is someone you have never even heard of and the story has no merit whatever doesn’t seem to be a consideration.  Such is the bile and hatred for whoever is being written about, you would be forgiven for thinking that the perpetrator of the tale bore some kind of grudge.  Perhaps the actress refused to sleep with him, or wouldn’t share a joint.  Whatever, it fills a few pages and that’s all that matters.

Another way of filling space is to find some non-story online and suggest that it is news (and that the Daily Fail was the originator).  The recent picture of David Cameron looking statesmenlike while talking into a Photoshopped Fisher-Price toy telephone was used as the basis for a story.  Not only did the Maily Dail claim originality (It has actually been on B3ta for weeks and even that might not have been its first outing) it dared to suggest that it was actually funny.  How did the Fail turn this utter trivia into an article?  Simple; they took lots of photographs of people (probably staff members, I’m guessing) pretending to make phone calls on odd items – banana, spoon, shoe, etc. – oh how we laughed.

In that same edition was another ‘story’ about a British woman who had messaged on Twitter that ‘our’ president Barack Obama should keep out of Russian politics.  She didn’t realise that he is president of the good old US of A (ho ho).  She had even spelled his name wrongly (oh stop; my sides are aching).  Who’d have thought it?  Someone with a poor grasp of world politics spells something wrong on-line.  Whatever next?  The ‘story’ had a picture of the woman in question.  Turns out that she is rather attractive and in the picture chosen for inclusion she was wearing a skimpy dress.  Why!  Anyone would think that this item was only included to show off this pretty young lady.  No.  I am sure a newspaper of the Daily Pail’s standing wouldn’t stoop so low.  Would they?  Of course they would.  I can’t remember the headline they gave the item but it might just as well have said ‘Look at this women.  Isn’t she stupid?  But hasn’t she got a fine pair of…’ Insert preference here eg. legs, eyes, etc.

Front page headlines generally have something along the lines of blaming asylum seekers for all of Britain’s woes – taking ‘our’ jobs, being given ‘our’ council houses – that sort of thing.

The paper also does a fine job of misreporting any slight achievement in medical science as being a new wonder treatment that can cure previously incurable diseases.  And if a drug isn’t freely available yet (they never remember to point out that it might be to do with ongoing trials) the Fail claims that the reason is down to NHS cuts or governments/drugs companies blocking its use for selfish financial gain.

So about a quarter of the rag is composed of this sort of tripe.  What about the other three-quarters?  Well, at least half of the paper is given over to holiday advertisements; mainly for cruises.  Obviously, the Pail has gauged its readership and realises that most BNP/UKIP voting Brits enjoy a good cruise.

The remainder of the paper covers sport.  I say covers, basically it tells you fixtures and results for football and horse-racing.  You only get a mention of tennis when Wimbledon is taking place and you get golf during the Open.  That doesn’t take up much space, surely, I hear you say.  Don’t call me Shirley.  Ah no, but the journos have the answer.  They ‘interview’ footballers.  No really, they interview players.  I would certainly never imply that they trawl through match programmes looking for ideas.  Never!  Any road up, footballers seem to have little to say other than saying the team is playing well/badly (yeah, the lads are playing good/bad) and praising the manager (yeah, he’s a good gaffer).  No matter; the Daily Fail hack can turn a few mumbled words into a two-page spread.

You will have gathered by now that I don’t reckon much to the Maily Dail and its journalistic methods.  However, the paper does have a number of useful purposes.  Apart, that is, from making sane people sympathetic towards immigrants.  It is useful as floor covering when you’ve got muddy shoes.  It makes very good kindling for fires.  It can be used to wrap fish suppers.  Best of all though; it is the perfect substitute should you ever run out of bog paper. 

Hey, it’s full of s*** anyway, so a bit more won’t make any difference.

Okay.  Grumble over.  Any birthdays of note this week.  Reg Dwight, no less.  The piano playing singer/songwriter who has a full head of hair (It may have been someone else’s originally, but it’s his now) turned 67 this week.  Give us a toon Reg…

Don't you know I'm still grambling better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, grambling like a little kid
I'm still grambling after all this time
Grambling up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still grambling yeah yeah yeah
I'm still grambling yeah yeah yeah

Fred White?  Who the blibbing flip is Fred White when he’s at home.  Sounded more like that Elton bloke to me.  Ben Elton. Him.  It was him that did that one about an candle with the wind.  You know it.  It was meant to be about that Marilyn Manson but when Diana Dors died he changed it for her funeral.  Couldn’t work it out, me.  When it was meant to be about the Marilyn one, he sings ‘Goodbye Norman Vaughn, or something’, then when it’s susposed to be about Diana he’s singing about someone called Rose.  Who the blibbing heck is Rose?  She’s from England, apparently.  That hardly explains things does it?  The man is an fool…. 

He’s not the only one…Shall we get on with some grambling?

Hey, guess what.  The Grambler won some dosh this week.  Really.  Actually in profit.  We won…. Fanfare please…

46p

Erm…not much is it.  Still, it is the best result for a long time.

Houston, we have a problem.  Time.  Or lack of same.  As I write this, the clock tells me [Wow! A talking clock. – Ed.] that it is 9.30pm on Friday 28^th of March.  Firstly, can I apologise for being so close to the deadline?  Secondly, can I apologise for the brevity of the following match reports.  I promise a better service next week.

Game 1 – Everton vs Swansea – Prediction Home win Yay

Everton 3 Swansea 2

Game 2 – Manchester City vs Fulham – Prediction Home win Twice Yay

Man City 5 Fulham 0

Game 3 – Charlton vs Burnley – Prediction Away win Thrice Yay

Charlton 0 Burnley 3

Game 4 – Leeds vs Millwall – Prediction Home win Erm…Quadrice(?) Yay

Leeds 2 Millwall 1

Game 5 – Alloa vs Falkirk – Prediction Away win – Bugger!

Alloa 3 Falkirk 0

So that’s it.  Falkirk fmucked it up.  Our first chance of getting all five right and flipping Falkirk… I mean 3^rd top vs 3^rd bottom, you don’t expect the lower placed club to win by 3 clear goals.  I was convinced The Grambler had this one right.  GRRRR.

Let’s get started on this week’s predictions.  From 58 games taking place this Saturday the 29^th of March at 3pm, The Grambler has come up with 5 randomly selected predictions…

Game – Result – Odds

Leeds United vs Doncaster – Home win –  1/1

Burnley vs Leicester – Away win – 8/5

Rotherham vs Bristol City – Home win – 3/4

Preston North End vs Crawley – Home win – 3/4

Southend vs Torquay United – Home win – 19/20

That’s it.  No patter.  Just the games and the predictions.  Looking at those odds, I reckon The Grambler has gone for a pretty safe selection.  Unfortunately for us trying to raise some funds to help find a cure for bowel cancer, if this lot were to go our way, the Bobby Moore Fund would not receive a great deal.  In fact, the total which would head for the fund would be a pretty miserable…

£14.24

Not very good is it?  But is it likely to come off?  Last week was an equally cautious selection and it didn’t, so why should this week’s be any different?  We will find out at 5pm…ish on Saturday.

Sorry about the limited attention to the actual football in a blog that is supposed to be football related.  Tell you what.  How about some trivia to finish off?

The smallest crowd for a competitive game in the UK was at a Scottish League Cup tie between Clydebank and East Stirling on 31^st July 1999.  How many were in attendance?  Just 29.  No wonder Clydebank went belly-up.

You know my views on football discipline, but poor player discipline is nothing new.  Blackburn Rovers’ goalkeeper Tim Flowers was sent off in a game against Leeds United in February 1995.  Nothing unusual there.  No?  He was sent off after 27 seconds!

Here’s a question for you.  What record did Chelsea set on 15^th October 1998?  Answer next week.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, here is a sign I spotted recently…

 

Talk about stating the obvious!

Thank you and goodnight.

 

 

Week 29 - The Grambler watches Mr Selfridge

The Grambler is the brainchild of Stewart David Smith, who lost his wonderful life to Colorectal, or Bowel, cancer aged just 28.  He fought a horrendous battle for 2 years and 1 month, defeating septicemia, multi-organ failure, antibiotic-induced hearing loss, kidney failure and countless other complications with a bravery none of us will ever see again. 

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

I am ready for another grumble.  British Sunday evening TV.  Currently running is a programme entitled Mr Selfridge.  It is ostensibly about the founder of Oxford Street’s Selfridges store, Harry Gordon Selfridge.  It features a handsome actor in the title role and a pretty young actress as his wife.  Fair enough, TV companies always like to glamorise things by having good-looking people playing fairly plain individuals.  I can allow that liberty, but the producers might at least go for a little historical accuracy.  The real Harry Selfridge was a stern looking man who had a flamboyant moustache (but no beard as sported by Jeremy Piven, the actor who portrays him) and wore pince-nez spectacles.  In short, he looks nothing like Mr Piven.

Okay, so the actors don’t look much like the real individuals; I can go with that.  It shouldn’t make a difference to the performance.  And what a performance!  Selfridge is portrayed as a kindly man who cares for his staff in an almost paternal way.  Everything he does or says is kindly.  He has been turned from a fairly ruthless business tycoon into a person who would fit seamlessly into The Waltons.  He is just so annoyingly nice.

So that’s the portrayal of our ‘hero’.  But every hero must have his nemesis; the bad guy.  Step up Lord Loxley.  Now I don’t know if this gentleman even existed.  I am guessing not, because his scheming and deceiving portrayal is enough to send his descendants to their nearest lawyer suing for libel.  The role is played by Aiden McArdle in true pantomime villain style.  His portrayal owes more to Dick Dastardly than the English aristocracy.  It’s a wonder he doesn’t wrap his cape across his face and exit with an evil laugh (Mwah ha ha ha!).

There is a lot of action involving the shop workers.  I am assuming all the characters are fictional because they are played in such a one-dimensional manner, they couldn’t possibly be based on real people.  All the shop girls are giggling and simpering and seem to be based on the acting style of Kathleen Harrison (A British actress from way back who specialised in playing salt of the earth cockneys.  Usually ending every utterance with the words ‘Well, I don’t know, I’m sure,’ in a whiny nasal style.  Yeah, I know; ‘well, I don’t know, I’m sure’ doesn’t make much sense when it’s written down.).

The whole programme is formulaic tosh.  It could be any British Sunday night ‘drama’.  It follows the well-worn path of programmes like Ballykissangel, Heartbeat, Downton Abbey or Monarch of the Glen.  There are goodies; there are baddies out to spoil the goodies’ plans; there are heartwarming moments; there are amusing moments.  Light frothy drama at its lightest.  And yet, for millions of viewers it is just what they want on a Sunday evening.  Well, I don’t know, I’m sure; I must just be too cynical to appreciate it.

 

Right.  Any birthdays of note this week?  Indeed, yes.  None other than Nairobi’s most famous star, Roger Whittaker.  He was born on 22^nd March 1936.  So here’s a gramblerised version of one of his toons.

 

 

Did you like that?  That was, of course, his famous The Mexican Grambler.  In case you are confused, the toon was actually called The Mexican Whistler and here is old Rodge performing it .  Check it out; they had some crazy set designs in 1968!

Who said cop out?  Okay.  Here’s a proper one.

 

I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
I've got to leave old Gramblham town.
I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
And the grambling's gonna get me down.

Back in nineteen forty-four,
I remember Daddy grambling out the door.
Mama told me he was going to war, he was grambling,
Grambling, grambling, grambling, grambling me.

I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
I've got to leave old Gramblham town.
I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
And the grambling's gonna get me down.

When I was a boy, I spent my time,

Grambling on the banks of the River Tyne.
Watching all the ships grambling down the line, they were grambling,
Grambling, grambling, grambling, grambling me.

I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
I've got to leave old Gramblham town.
I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
And the grambling's gonna get me down.

The last week Mama grambled away,
Good-bye, son, was all she'd say.
There's no cause for me to stay, so I'm grambling,
Grambling, grambling, grambling, grambling free.

I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
I've got to leave old Gramblham town.
I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
And the grambling's gonna get me down.

I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
I've got to leave old Gramblham town.
I've got to leave old Gramblham town,
And the grambling's gonna get me down.

There you go.  The whole song this week.  Why not.

And so, on to the grambling.  How did The Grambler do this week?  We almost, but not quite, got our stake money back.  The bet costs £2.20.  What did we win?  £2.19.  One pee short!  Any road up, it was our best result for yonks, so let’s see how it came about.

Game 1 – Everton vs Cardiff – Prediction Home win Yay!

Everton 2 Cardiff 1

Cardiff were cruelly denied a point by Seamus Coleman's injury-time winner as the Bluebirds slipped further behind in their bid for Premier League survival.

Goalkeeper David Marshall looked to have earned a draw with a string of saves after Juan Cala had equalised Gerard Deulofeu's deflected effort.

But, after another stop to deny Romelu Lukaku's shot, Marshall was beaten by Coleman's miscue.

I had to copy that report wholesale from the BBC page.  Why?  Just to show how biased the supposedly unbiased reporting is.  Can this guy be a Blue/Redbirds fan, by any chance?  Everton’s goals were ‘a deflected effort’ and a ‘miscue’ while Cardiff’s goalkeeper is shown as being nothing less than heroic.

Do I care?  No.  The Grambler got us off to a flier with a correct prediction.

Game 2 – Sunderland vs Crystal Palace – Prediction Away win Nope

Sunderland 0 Crystal Palace 0

So much for our flying start.  Normal service is resumed.

Crystal Palace remain three points clear of fellow Premier League strugglers Sunderland after a goalless draw at a windy Stadium of Light.

Black Cats forward Fabio Borini went closest to breaking the deadlock when his second-half shot struck the post.

Kagisho Dikgacoi [Bless you! – Ed.] had Palace's best chance, firing an effort wide late on.

But, in a game lacking quality, Palace will probably be happy with a point that leaves them a place above Sunderland who are third from bottom.

Sunderland’s Uruguayan manager, Hercule Poyet still thinks his team will get results to ensure their survival in the Premier League.  He said afterwards, “Iffa we try to fatta likea we didda today, zen we hevva de chence.”

Game 3 – Millwall vs Charlton – Prediction Home win Nope

Millwall 0 Charlton 0

Charlton moved off the bottom of the Championship on goal difference after a draw at fellow strugglers Millwall.

Fred Onyedinma headed an early Millwall chance wide, while Charlton's Callum Harriott had an effort saved by David Forde when one-on-one with the keeper.

Harriott also sent a volley wide before he set up Reza Ghoochannejhad [Bless you.  Nasty cold you seem to be getting. – Ed.] who shot straight at Forde.

Stefan Maierhofer headed over for Millwall, for who Owen Garvan had a late free-kick tipped over.

The home side applied all the late pressure but Charlton held on for a point in their second goalless draw since Jose Riga took over as their manager.

Charlton are now three points adrift of Millwall but have three games in hand on their rivals, who are just one place above the relegation zone.

Millwall’s winless run at the Den is now six games.

Game 4 – QPR vs Yeovil – Prediction Home win Yahoo!

QPR 3 Yeovil 0

Huzzah!  Another prediction right for The Grambler.

Ravel Morrison grabbed another brace as QPR got back to winning ways with a 3-0 victory over Yeovil.
The on-loan West Ham midfielder, whose two goals against Birmingham last weekend earned Rangers their first win in six attempts, repeated the trick against the lowly Glovers.
Forgotten striker Bobby Zamora also got in on the act with his first goal in more than a year as Harry Redknapp's side bounced back from their midweek defeat at Brighton.
The scoreline was harsh on Yeovil, though, who went agonisingly close to equalising when Tom Lawrence's shot hit a post.
The Somerset side remain in with a chance of staying up but the gulf in resources between them and their opponents eventually told at Loftus Road.
While Yeovil have to survive on a League Two budget, QPR continue to throw good money after bad as they bid for promotion.  In other words, Harry Redface is still squandering millions.  65 squillion loss this year.  177 squillion in the red.  Why do clubs employ this man?  Crazy.

Game 5 – Southend vs Bury – Prediction Draw Woohoo!

Southend 0 Bury 0

Shrimpers striker Barry Corr was sent off with eight minutes to go after a tussle with Frederic Veseli.

Freddy Eastwood struck over the Shakers bar from eight yards in a game short on clear chances.

Southend defender John Egan's late header was the only effort on target all afternoon.

Southend United extended their winless run to 11 games with this goalless draw.  It is just as well they started the season well, because that is a terrible record.  And thanks to Plymouth winning on Tuesday evening, Southend are now out of the playoff places.

Righty ho.  That’s the results taken care of.  What about this week’s random predictions?  There are 55 games in the English and Scottish senior leagues this Saturday, 22^nd March at 3pm.  What 5 has The Grambler randomly chosen for us?

Game – Result – Odds

Everton vs Swansea – Home win – 4/6

For our first game of the week we head once more to Goodison Park (we never seem to be away from it these days) where the Toffees play host to the Swans.  The Grambler has predicted that this will end with 3 points heading Everton’s way.  Can’t really argue with that; in the clubs’ last six meetings Everton have won 5 and drawn 1.  Have you seen the mascots for these two clubs?  Ye gods and little fishes! Who thinks them up?  These two are the stuff of nightmares; especially Cyril the swan.

Changi vs Cyril – Which is the scariest?

Manchester City vs Fulham – Home win – 1/6

For game number 2 we travel 36 miles to the City of Manchester Stadium where the Sky Blues play host to George Michael’s favourite club Fulham.  The Grambler reckons that Man City will win this one.  Given that they sit 4^th in the table and Fulham are in bottom spot, that would seem to be a fair call.  The last time Fulham won against City was almost 5 years ago.  That year Fulham finished the league in 7^th place; 3 places ahead of City.  Changed days.  But hold on there Bald Eagle – The last time Man City was selected by The Grambler they were up against Aston Villa.  We all scoffed (scoff scoff) when he/she/it picked Villa to win, but win they did.  The Grambler has played it safe this time, but you never know; it might happen again.

Charlton Athletic vs Burnley – Away win – 13/10

Game number 3 takes us into the Valley where the Addicks (Or the Red Robins if you prefer.  Some teams seem to have several nicknames to choose from.) play host to the Clarets.  The Grambler has once again, in his/her/its wisdom, predicted that Charlton will get beaten.  Look what happened last week Grambler.  Home win you said and Charlton took a point away to Millwall.  Granted, Burnley are a tad better than Millwall, sitting in second spot in the league.  Their away form is not so bad either, having won more than half their games on the road.  Maybe I will concede this one to the Grambler.

Leeds United vs Millwall – Home win – 10/11

For our 4^th game…blimey first Everton, then Charlton and now Millwall all chosen for two weeks on the trot…we head to Elland Road where the Whites play host to the Lions.  The Grambler has predicted that Leeds will take all three points in this one.  Leeds have a pretty abysmal record at home winning only 7 of their last 17 and have not won any games since the 8^th of February.  Millwall are useless on the road having won only 2 of the 18 away games played this season and they have won only 1 of their last 10 games.  Millwall also have the dubious distinction of letting in more goals than any other side in the Championship – 62 (although that is a figure matched by bottom of the table Barnsley).  Millwall did win the last encounter when Leeds visited the Lions’ Den and are currently struggling to stay in the division; maybe they will have the greater desire to win this one.  The Grambler thinks not, but I reckon Millwall could take at least a point here. 

Alloa vs Falkirk – Away win – 8/11

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther we head over the border to Recreation Park where the Wasps play host to the Bairns.  The Grambler has predicted that Falkirk will take all the points here.  The clubs have already met twice this season and both games ended as 0-0 draws.  Admittedly, Alloa’s home record has been poor of late; the last game they won at home was in the middle of November.  Falkirk have a better away record having lost only 5 in 14.  On current form, then, The Grambler should have called this one right.

So there you have it my little gramblerados.  Three home wins and two aways.  The bet (10 – 20 pee doubles and 1 – 20 pee accumulator) is on and if the predictions all come up [Ha ha! – Ed] the Bobby Moore will benefit by…fanfare please…

£9.02

Nine quids and two pees?  That’s mince.  The reason for such crappy odds is that The Grambler has played it ultra safe this week.  I mean, look at those Man City odds.  Still, if it is so safe I will ask for the umpteenth time – Is this the week when we finally get that big win?

And to finish, for absolutely no reason at all, a gag that Stewart put on B3ta a long long time ago…

Thank you and goodnight.