Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn
from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Dear Mr Grimshaw,
Here’s one for you. Which English club were the league champions
of the inaugural season of the English league and also won the FA Cup in the
same year?
Yours sincerely,
Preston Knorr-Thend.
This week I am attempting to make this a proper ‘realtime’
blog, because something is happening that really should be discussed – Mrs G
and I are going for colonoscopies. It is
all to do with us being Stewart’s blood relatives. Could there be a family link? We were told that only 5% of cancer cases are
hereditary, but are being put through this procedure just to check.
Prior to telling you of
my experiences I would just like to tell you that Mrs G had her appointment
before mine and was immediately given the all-clear. Yay!
Now, on with the ‘diary’.
Wednesday is the day of my procedure, but I have to ‘prepare’
myself…
Tuesday early morning
I am only allowed certain foods this morning. I would normally be tucking into a bowl of
creamy porridge with honey and blueberries.
Mmmm… Sorry, I’ve just dribbled down my chin at the thought of decent
food. Why? Because everything I seem to have in the
house that I might eat for breakfast is on the forbidden list. Toast?
Allowed only if it is white bread.
Don’t have any. Cereal? As I said, I eat porridge; Rice Krispies or
cornflakes are allowed. Don’t have
any. What about yogurt? I like yogurt. Maybe I could have one of those. Yay!
Flavoured yogurt is okay. Not
anything red or blackcurrant, though.
Damn, only got strawberry and cherry varieties. Blast.
Fruit? No. Smoothie?
Ditto.
Oh well. As I
write this I am ‘tucking’ into two water biscuits with a bit of cheese.
Ah, you say, but why didn’t you plan ahead and buy in
some ‘suitable’ food. The answer is, the
change to my diet is for one day only.
24 hours. Why buy in a load of
stuff that I wouldn’t want to eat any other time. The water biscuits were okay. They were.
Honest. Aye well, maybe not.
Tuesday midday
I am a bit apprehensive about going. It is necessary of course. I suppose you could liken it to going to the
dentist when you have toothache; you know you won’t enjoy the experience, but
it is worth going through it for the relief it brings. Although I am not in any pain, the procedure,
though unlikely to be a pleasant experience, should (I hope) bring some sort of
comfort when I am given the all-clear (fingers crossed and other such
superstitious nonsense).
Tuesday 1pm
I am eating my last meal before fasting for 24 hours
prior to the procedure. I am reminded of
the expression – ‘the prisoner ate a hearty meal’. Apparently, in the days of executions, a
prisoner could request a special meal (within the capabilities of a prison
canteen, no doubt) on the day of his or her execution.
In France
In the US
I digress. My
last meal is not particularly hearty.
Most hearty things are not allowed.
Things that are allowed can be summed up in a word – bland. White flour products, eggs, cheese and
potatoes are allowed, so my meal was a cheese quiche with mashed potato. Dull, or what?
Tuesday 5pm
Starting to feel a bit peckish now. Unfortunately, the only things I am now able
to peck are weak, watery drinks. Nothing
milky. A cup of tea doesn’t really
reduce my peckishness. Normally, I am
happy to go from lunch until dinnertime and not feel in the slightest bit hungry. Think I’ll have another cup of tea.
Tuesday 7pm
I have just mixed up the ‘drink’. You have to mix up two different powders in a
litre of water. Then drink the mixture
over a two hour period. First taste
coming up…. Not so bad. Sherbety.
Tuesday 7.15pm
I have just finished my first glass. I am already sick of the taste. Only another four glasses to go. Apparently, this stuff is supposed to clear
out your system. Nothing happening yet.
Tuesday 7.30pm
Just finished my second glass. Still nothing happening.
Tuesday 7.45pm
Third glass (Belch!).
Nope.
Tuesday 8.00pm
Fourth (Burrrrp!).
A bit gurgly down there.
Tuesday 8.20pm
Fifth… Excuse me!
Tuesday 9.20pm
Oh god! That
stuff is Cillit Bang for the bowels…
Excuse me again!
Tuesday 9.50pm
Oh dear…oops.
Back in a minute.
Tuesday 10.10pm
Surely there can be no more…wrong. Back soon…
Tuesday 10.20pm
Hopefully that is the end of it. I know I made that sound worse than it
was. There is no pain involved. The drink itself was not unpleasant and you
can improve its flavour by adding a bit of fruit cordial.
Wednesday 6am
Had to get up really early.
No, not for that. Actually managed
to sleep without any 'incidents'. No, I
had to get up to make up another litre of sherbet drink. It didn't seem too bad last night. Not so nice at 6 in the morning.
Wednesday 6.30 am
Onto second glass. Starting to hear those gurgling noises.
Time to prepare myself for a climb up those stairs...
Wednesday 7.00 am
You don't really need to know what is happening right
now. Just talk among yourselves. Be with you shortly. Don't call me Shortly.
Wednesday 7.30 am
See previous entry.
Wednesday 11.00 am
No I haven't been sat on the bog all that time. I went back
to my kip for a while. Well, all that s******* takes it out of you. Literally.
Admittedly, I had to get out of my kip a couple of times, but not for
the same marathon sessions. As I said in my comments from last night, there is
no pain involved, just a lot of inconvenience. Talking of inconvenience, I
wouldn't recommend going through this unless you have immediate access to a
toilet; don't think you can carry on as normal.
For at least 16 hours, you should be positioned such that it will take
you no more than 10 seconds to reach the loo.
Wednesday 1.00pm
Now at hospital awaiting my turn. There is a television in the waiting area.
Unfortunately, it is tuned to Loose Women, a 'chat show'. After that the news
comes on. Main topic, the crisis in the
NHS. Doesn't do much for your confidence.
Wednesday 1.30pm
I am lying on a bed/table in a small room/theatre. I am
being told what is about to be done. I
won’t go into details. You don’t want to
know. Suffice to say, any modicum of
dignity I might have had, is long gone.
Also I can’t get it out of my head about these medical staff. What a horrible job they have to do. How dare politicians use such people and their
jobs in a war of words to get votes.
In my view, and it has always been thus, there should be no
such thing allowed as private medicine.
All efforts should be made to make the NHS the best health service in
the world. Hear hear! Who said that?
Wednesday 2.20 pm
Having slept through most of the procedure, I wake to find
I am lying on the same bed/table as I was earlier, but am now in a different
room. There are others around me, who have also been through some sort of
procedure, drinking tea and eating sandwiches. Presently, I am offered the
same. After fasting for so long I could eat anything - even the pork and
stuffing sandwich I am given. It's all they had. Perhaps there had been a run on chicken
sandwiches. No matter. It tasted great.
So that was it. My
first experience of preparing for, and going through, a colonoscopy. The preparation for it seemed to be the worst
part. The actual procedure was at times uncomfortable - it occasionally felt
like stomach cramp - but it was certainly not painful. As I said, I went to
sleep for most of it. Even the
preparation, in hindsight, didn't seem too bad.
I certainly wouldn't tell anyone, as I had been told, that it was
'absolutely terrible' or that I wouldn't go through it again 'even if they paid
me'. I would actually veer the other way
and say, do it. It's a worthwhile procedure and can show up any irregularities.
It is a necessary procedure if you should have any fears
whatsoever about bowel issues. If your doctor is unwilling to suggest it, you
suggest it.
Mrs G and I were both lucky; we were given the all
clear. Others, Stewart included, are not
so lucky. But as I often say in these
articles, don't be fobbed off with the 'you're too young to get bowel cancer'
line from your doctor. You're never too
young.
Okay, lecture over, let’s get on with the usual drivel.
Any birthdays of note this weekend? Anyone famous born on the 31st of
January? Of course; loads. Franz Schub… (I’ll finish it later), Zane
Grey 1872 (Yee hah!), Anna Pavlova 1882 (dog that wanted meringue every time it
heard a bell), Eddie Cantor 1892 (vessel for holding drink), Freya Stark 1893
(naked explorer), Tallulah Bankhead 1903 (bank manager), Jersey Joe Walcott
1914 (knitwear manufacturer), John Profumo 1915 (campaigner for allowing
smoking), Carol Channing 1921 (something you do with Christmas songs), Norman
Mailer 1923 (postman), Jean Simmons 1930 (vocalist with Kiss), Christopher
Chataway 1931 (runner who talked too much), Philip Glass 1937 (request to
barman), Derek Jarman 1942 (jam manufacturer), Terry Kath 1946 (towel
manufacturer), Phil Manzenera 1951 (trans: Hollywood director has made a
mistake), John Lydon 1956 (butter salesman), Lloyd Cole 1961 (Welsh miner),
Minnie Driver 1970 (rally champion), Patrick Kielty 1971 (Irish skirt) and
Justin Timberlake 1981 (lumberjack).
A few possibilities for gramblering a toon in
there. Terry Kath from off of Chicago,
Phil Manzanera from off of Roxy Music,
Lloyd Cole with his Commotions.
However, I reckon the honour should go to Mr John Lydon who, as Johnny
Rotten, fronted everybody’s favourite punksters, the Sex Pistols.
Oh we're so pretty
Oh so pretty
we're grambling
Oh we're so pretty
Oh so pretty
we're grambling
Oh we're so pretty
Oh so pretty ah
Now… and we don't care
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
Oh so pretty
we're grambling
Oh we're so pretty
Oh so pretty
we're grambling
Oh we're so pretty
Oh so pretty ah
Now… and we don't care
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
And we don't care
A pretty grambling
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
We're pretty
A pretty grambling
And we don't care
The Sex Pistols’
Pretty Vacant gramblerised for your amusement there. Anyone who was around at the time of Punk
will recall that the Pistols and the Clash were looked on as anti-establishment
heroes. At least the front men
were. Lydon and Joe Strummer were both
pretty outspoken and spoke out about the politicians of the day. Unfortunately, Lydon is no longer the angry
young voice of punk and is now perceived as a ‘national treasure’ like Stephen
Fry or Victoria Wood. However, he still
makes his opinions known and, unlike those two ‘luvvies’, he still ruffles a
few feathers along the way.
His greatest
contribution to music? That song, Pretty
Vacant. In it he broke the greatest taboo in the English language and got away
with it. Until very recently, there was
one word which was totally forbidden on British airwaves. But Lydon in his Johnny Rotten guise managed
to sing it loud and clear back in 1977 and it escaped censorship from the
normally straightlaced Beeb Beeb Ceeb who played the record containing this
forbidden word. It even reached number
one pop pickers. Not arf! Just
listen to the pronunciation. He
definitely doesn’t sing it as va – cant.
Let’s get on to
grambling matters. How did we do last
week? We won. Yay. Not really.
Oh. We didn’t even get our stake money back. 62 pee.
62 rotten pee is all we won. How
did it happen? Read on…
Wolves vs Charlton – Prediction Home win
Result – Wolves 0 Charlton
Ooh!
‘It the bar!
Wolves, who had won five of their last six league
games, had the better of first half, but Charlton's Callum Harriott forced Carl
Ikeme into a save.
The visitors looked dangerous on the break, and Ikeme
was again on hand to turn away Tony Watt's strike.
Benik Afobe almost headed a late Wolves winner and
Nouha Dicko also had an injury-time penalty appeal waved away.
Fleetwood vs Crawley – Prediction Home win
Result – Fleetwood 1 Crawley 0
Yay!
Antoni Sarcevic opened the scoring when his free-kick
from the edge of the box squirmed under the Crawley wall and into the net.
Sarkygit almost made it two but his lobbed effort came
back off the woodwork.
Gareth Evans should have made the points safe but his
effort was saved before Darren Ward saw his corner cleared off the line for the
visitors.
Result – Shrewsbury Stevenage
2
Yay!
James Collins
scored late on to earn a 3-2 win over Stevenage , lifting Shrewsbury
Four goals came in the first half, the visitors taking
the lead through Adam Marriott's shot from inside the box.
Two goals in three minutes - a neat finish from
Collins and a Liam Lawrence penalty - put Shrewsbury Stevenage levelled through Dean Wells'
cushioned volley from a corner.
But Town won it when Collins netted his second of the
game from a tight angle.
"I don't think there is a person in the stadium,
maybe just one or two, who wouldn't say we deserved to win. It was brilliant,
as we all want to win games of football. But we have achieved nothing yet.
"Stevenage came and gave it a right go. They dug in for their manager
but for us to dig in and get what we deserved was fantastic. We had to stand up
to them and we kept going.
"We had put so much into the game and thrown
everything at them. We had three or four real clear-cut chances that we never
took and it would have been a real shame if we hadn't won. But it was obviously
thrilling to get a goal right at the end."
Yep. Top
clichés there Micky. Still utter
bollocks though.
Hearts vs Falkirk
– Prediction Home win
Result – Hearts 2 Falkirk
3
Boooo!
Genero ‘Whogives’ Zeefuik gave Hearts an early
advantage from close range but John ‘Logie’ Baird equalised with a penalty.
Rory ‘Myrna’ Loy's long-range strike gave Falkirk the lead for the first time, only
for James Keatings to equalise.
However, Craig Sibbald put the visitors back in front
with a curling shot and this time they held their lead.
Result – Clyde
1 Arbroath 1
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
It took until midway through the second period for
Arbroath to level, Mark Whatley nodding in substitute Keiran Stewart's cross.
Paul McManus and Robert Linn both missed the target in
the latter stages for Arbroath.
Hey ho, on with the show. What games can The Grambler randomly select
from this week? An almost full card this
week – 53 games take place on Saturday the 31st of January at 3pm .
Do your stuff, Grambler…
Game – Result – Odds
Wycombe vs Portsmouth
What do you reckon?
Worth a wee bet? Well, The
Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund will be donating…
£8.72
…to the Bobby Moore Fund if our bet (10x20 pee doubles
plus 1x20 pee accumulator) pays out.
And that concludes grambling matters for this
week. There is just the small matter of
the teaser for this week and answer to last week’s teaser to deal with.
Last week I asked you what English player played at
different clubs for each of his first four national call ups (calls up?). The answer is Scott Parker who played at Charlton
(cap number 1), Chelsea Newcastle
This week’s teaser goes back a few years. Which two men faced each other in FA Cup
finals both as players and as managers?
There you go.
Have fun in the pub/gym/canteen trying to find the answer to that one.
And finally, Cyril?
And finally Esther a view of a loo suitably stocked for the preparations
required prior to a colonoscopy…
Happy grambling.
