Weeks 16 to 18 - The Grambler brushes his/her/its teeth

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

A tube of toothpaste

Interesting picture to start this week's (g)ramble don't you think? No? Well, it interested me. At least, the reference to baking soda caught my eye. Why? Because it is the only mention of baking soda on the tube. Obviously, we, the gullible public, are meant to assume that this tube of ordinary toothpaste contains this useful ingredient. But does it? Nowhere does it tell you that there is actually any of the stuff in the tube. It simply points out that baking soda is useful for whitening teeth. Good. I'm pleased about that. But why are they telling us this? I even checked the list of ingredients. No. Nothing there. If that is the case, and baking soda is indeed useful for whitening teeth, why are we buying this toothpaste at all? Baking soda would appear to be better according to the maker of this product.

Worse is another tube of what I assumed to be the same toothpaste. But it isn't. Oh no. Maximum cavity protection it proudly announces. Wow! That's quite a claim. Then they go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like [I love you? - Ed.] Ahem... something stupid like liquid calcium. Really? Doubt it very much. The melting point of calcium is 842° centigrade. Very unlikely that you would brush your teeth with something that hot.

It is just so typical of products like these. All toothpastes are, basically, the same thing: a paste or gel to clean teeth. Each probably does as good a job of it as the next. Getting the brushing action right is more important than the choice of paste. So, to make a particular product stand out, manufacturers have to come up with something special. Toothpaste with stripes anybody? Wow, that's clever. I'll have some of that, says the average punter. Hang on, say the makers of non stripey toothpaste, how do we compete with that? I know, let's make some really wild claims about how brilliant our product is.

However, there are organisations called advertising standards agencies which won't allow businesses to make wild, unsubstantiated (That's a good word. Must look it up) claims. Our toothpaste maker will have to tread carefully to avoid incurring their wrath.

This is why these silly non-committal statements are stuck on the side of toothpaste tubes. If anybody should complain that the baking soda in their toothpaste isn't making a blind bit of difference to their gnashers, the maker can simply ask, 'What baking soda? We never said it contained baking soda.' And they would be in the clear.

Similarly, the liquid calcium statement can be quickly dismissed. Nowhere is there any suggestion that the tube contains liquid calcium. There are simply two words placed side by side - liquid and calcium. They are meaningless. There is absolutely no possibility that this toothpaste could contain such a thing.

The example I have shown is an actual tube I have bought, as is the liquid calcium one. Apart from those words on the side of the packaging, they are identical. I decided that if two seemingly identical tubes could have two completely different 'odd' statements, perhaps there were others out there. And there are. Oh yes. Here are some belters...

Calci-lock? What the fu... what does that mean?
With Mini Bright Strips? Ditto.
Family Action? Sorry pardon excuse me? That sounds very suspect.
Baking Soda and Peroxide? Peroxide? Bleach? In toothpaste? I hope not.
Icy Blast Whitening? Again... What?
Plus Shine? Same.
Expert White? Uh huh.

The craziest aspect of all these silly statements, many of which are trademarks incidentally, is that they are all on the various products of just one company. The products... plural... are all toothpaste... singular. It would not surprise me in the least if it were proved that these tubes all contain identical paste. How would the company explain that one? Mark my words; it could happen. It could blow up into a real scandal. And you know what that means, don’t you? Yes, sticking a word on the end of whatever the scandal is about. You know what I mean. You do. Watch out for Colgate-gate.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or notorius individuals born on the 16th of November? Of course there were; here are some I’ve actually heard of. Tiberius 42BC (The well-known emperor.), W.C. Handy 1873 (Trumpeter and composer. Called himself the Father of the Blues [What? Chelsea? - Ed.] Ahem. Have a clip.  Here's St. Louis Blues.), Tazio Nuvolari 1892 (Pilota da corsa.), Paul Hindemith 1895 (Violinist, composer and conductor. Have a clip. Fast and gay, apparently.), Oswald Mosley 1896 (The well-known fascist b*st*rd.), Eddie Condon 1905 (Geetarist. Have a clip. ), Burgess Meredith 1907 (Actor. The Penguin, that was him.), Eddie Chapman 1914 (The well-known spy. Agent Zigzag.), Daws Butler 1916 (Voice actor who was smarter than the average bear... That’s a clue to his most famous character.), Clu Gulager 1928 (Actor.), Michael Billington 1939 (Theatre critic.), Gerry Marshall 1941 (Racey car bloke.), Willie Carson 1942 (Little tiny jockey bloke.), Griff Rhys Jones 1953 (Comedian.), Frank Bruno 1961 (Boxy bloke know what I mean, Harry.), Gary ‘Mani’ Mounfield 1962 (A Stone Rose and a bit of Primal Scream. Have a clip. Let's move on up.), Alexander Popov 1971 (пловец.), Waqar Younis 1971 (کرکٹر.), Paul Scholes 1974 (Footy bloke.) and Gary Naysmith 1978 (Footy bloke.).

 

And now... the 23rd of November. Manuel de Falla 1876 (Composer. Have a clip ), William Pratt 1887 (Who? Actor better known as Boris Karloff.), Arthur Marx 1888 (Who? Comedian and musician better known as Harpo Marx.), Romain de Tirtoff 1892 (Who? Artist better known as Erté), Nigel Tranter 1909 (Author.), Michael Gough 1916 (Actor.), Johnny Mandel 1925 (Composer. Have a clip. You'll recognise this.), John Cole 1927 (Journalist with very Northern-Irish accent... He often reported from the Argentine capital ‘Burnis Airs’.), Lew Hoad 1934 (Tennisy bloke.), Betty Everett 1939 (Singer and pianist. Have a clip.), Alan Mullery 1941 (Footy bloke. [Mullery? A bit like muller. - Ed.]), Francesco Sparanero 1941 (Actor better known as Franco Nero.), Sue Nicholls 1943 (Ectress. Audrey Roberts in Corry. She had a hit record once, you know.  Have a listen.), Tony Pond 1945 (Racey car bloke.), Diana Quick 1946 (Ectress.), Frank Worthington 1948 (Footy bloke.), Sandra Stephens 1949 (A bit of Brotherhood of Man.), Bruce Hornsby 1954 (Musician famous for his Range. Have a clip.), Shane Gould 1956 (Swimmy bloke.), Maxwell Caulfield 1959 (Actor. Factoid: He once worked as an exotic dancer at the Windmill Theatre... acording to Wikipedia.), Merv Hughes 1961 (Crickety bloke.), Kevin Gallacher 1966 (Footy bloke.), Zoe Ball 1970 (Presenter.), Kelly Brook 1979 (Clothes horse. [Kelly? A bit like kell. - Ed.]), Kevin Clancy 1983 (Footy ref. Clancy? A bit like clance. - Ed.]) and Miley Cyrus 1992 (Singer. [Miley? A bit like mile. - Ed.] Will you give over! Have a clip. She can't stop, apparently. ).

 

And let’s not forget the 30th of November. Jonathan Swift 1667 (Satirist and essayist. Aka Dean Swift.), Samuel Langhorne Clemens 1835 (Better known as author Mark Twain.), Winston Churchill 1874 (Famous chap.), Efrem Zimbalist Jr 1918 (Actor.), Virginia Mayo 1920 (Salad dressing.), Allan Sherman 1924 (Comedian famous for humorous tunes. Remember this one? Hello muddah...), Richard Crenna 1926 (Actor.), Robert Guillaume 1927 (Actor. Voiced Rafiki in The Lion King.), Frank Ifield 1937 (Singer. Remember him?  He remembers you.), Ridley Scott 1937 (Drunken Glaswegian.), George Graham 1944 (Footy bloke.), Roger Glover 1945 (Led Zep Bassist. Have a clip. Don't have nightmares. ), David Mamet 1947 (Playwright.), Mandy Patinkin 1952 (Actor.), June Pointer 1953 (A sister. Another clip? This’ll get you excited. She's excited, anyway.), Kevin Conroy 1955 (Voice actor. Batman in the animated series.), Andy Gray 1955 (sexist footy bloke.), Billy Idol 1955 (Sneering singer. Have another clip. Nice day for it.), John Ashton 1957 (A Psychedelic Fur. Here’s Heartbreak Beat.), Richard Barbieri 1957 (A bit of Japan and Porcupine Tree. Here’s Canton.), Lorraine Kelly 1959 (TV presenter.), Gary Lineker 1960 (Crisp mongering footy bloke.), Ben Stiller 1965 (Comedian, it says here.), John Bishop 1966 (Comedian, it says here.), Desiree Weekes aka Des’ree 1968 (Singer. You want another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Life.), Phil Babb 1970 (Footy bloke.), Abel Xavier 1972 (jogador de futebol com cabelo incomum.), Alan Hutton 1984 (Footy bloke.) and Dougie Poynter 1987 (McFly guy. Here is the group’s best-selling toon. This is all about you... and a few celebs.).

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

 

Dear Mr. Congler,

We are fans of Miley Cyrus and have followed her progress since her first hits back in 2007. 12 years on, she is still having hits. Her last hit, sung with Ariana Grande and Lana Del Ray, was the theme song from Charlie’s Angels, but neither of us can remember the title; can you help?

Yours twerkingly,

Don Colmie, N. Jell.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our little bet go last time? It won. Yay! Well, we won a bit. Not in profit, though. £2.06 from our £2.20 bet. Rubbish or what. What happened? Read on.

 

 

Ross County vs Aberdeen - Prediction Away win

Result - Ross County 1 Aberdeen 3

Yay!

Josh Mullin had scored an early penalty for Ross County.

But Niall McGinn and Ryan Hedges both netted free-kicks, before Andrew Considine scored a fine third goal from the edge of the box.

 

Alloa vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win

Result - Alloa 2 Dunfermline 1

Boo!

Both teams scored from penalties in the first half; Alan Trouten for Alloa, while Kevin Nisbet equalised for Dunfermline.

Lee Ashcroft headed against the bar but instead it was Alloa who re-took the lead when Kevin Cawley headed in Iain Flannigan's cross at the far post.

Greg Kiltie shot over for Dunfermline, and Cawley's shot cleared the crossbar as Alloa missed a late chance.

 

 

Partick vs Morton - Prediction Home win

Result - Partick 2 Morton 1

Yay!

Substitute Shea Gordon scored twice for 10-man Partick Thistle as they beat Morton.

The midfielder had only been on the pitch 30 seconds when he struck low into the corner.

The lead lasted two minutes as Jack Baird levelled, but Gordon slid in the winner five minutes later.

 

Montrose vs Forfar - Prediction Home win

Result - Montrose 3 Forfar 0

Yay!

No match report. Boo.

Edinburgh City vs Elgin - Prediction Home win

Result - Edinburgh 1 Elgin 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

No match report. Boo.

 

Well, we’ve missed a few weeks of relying on The Grambler’s predictions. Let’s see what he/she/it has to offer this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Macclesfield vs Bradford - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Alloa vs Inverness - Prediction Away win - 8/11

Morton vs Dundee Utd. - Prediction Away win - 11/20

Montrose vs Raith - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Brechin vs Stenhousemuir - Prediction Away win - Evens

 

Uh oh, The Grambler’s picked all away wins... This could end in tears.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Predictions, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping....

 

£10.64

Particularly unwhopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last time I asked you which footballer first gained media attention when his youth team won a game 23-0; a game in which he scored every single goal. It was Ronaldo de Assis Moreira, better known as Ronaldinho. Admittedly, he was only 13 when he achieved his feat. Not a bad way to get noticed, though.

 

One for this week? It’s a question relating to the F.A. Cup and royalty. Who was the first reigning monarch to attend an F.A. Cup Final?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, it has been a sad week as the entertainment world lost two of its cleverest and wittiest TV people.

 

Doctor Jonathan Miller has been called a polymath. His career spanned comedy, art, medicine, directing both plays and opera... His talents seemed endless. He was the sort of person I could have enjoyed listening to no matter what topic he was talking about. Others were not so kind and saw him as something of a know-all. I recall a comedy panel show on which a comedian was asked what Jonathan Miller would never, ever say and he came up with ‘I couldn’t possibly comment; it’s a topic about which I know very little.’ Ouch. 

 

Clive James was one of my favourite TV folk. His programmes were always watchable. I first took notice when he took over the ITV programme called Cinema. His predecessors had been informative but humourless. He added humour to the programme in spades. I think I tried to watch everything he subsequently made.

 

Perhaps this isn’t the best recognition of the genius of these two TV giants, but I thought it apt as here is Clive James interviewing Jonathan Miller on Saturday Night Clive.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler (almost) every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 15 - Cup of coffee, Grambler?

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Before I begin this week's (g)ramble, please remember that this is not a serious blog, giving factual information that you should consider acting upon.  So, if you are given any advice which is... let's say... a bit on the dodgy side, just ignore it.  Okay?  Good.  Now I've got that out of the way...

 

I shouldn't really tell you about this, and I definitely wouldn't try it, but it is possible to go into a certain public house/restaurant which is part of a large chain whose name I would rather not say... Let's call it Weather-forks... and obtain a cup of tea or coffee without paying for it. How so, I hear you ask. Pull up a chair and I'll tell ee...

If you go into one of these establishments and ask for a cup of tea or coffee, you pay your money over and are given an empty mug so that you can get your own drink. They also welcome you going back for a second cup, if you wish. [Ah, I see; a free cuppa. - Ed.] True; but it is actually possible to avoid even paying for that first cup.

For this scam... and it is a scam... to work, go into the pub when it is busy and the staff are too busy to clear the tables... It happens a lot. There are bound to be used mugs on some tables. Simply lift one, take it to the loo to give it a good wash and then help yourself to a coffee. Or why not avoid using a cup already contaminated by someone else and simply bring your own?

[That is theft! I cannot believe you are giving tips on how to steal. Shocked, I am. - Ed.]

Actually, I wouldn't ever do such a thing. It is just an observation I have made while I am here in a pretty crowded Weather-forks. I have simply noticed that, in such an environment, if anyone were so-minded, they could diddle them out of a cuppa.

You would have to be very down-on-your-luck to even consider doing it. I mean, their tea and coffee are as cheap as chips. [It must be a while since you bought chips. Three quid for a bag of the things? Flipping extortion! - Ed.]

Ahem... no, I am not advocating theft. Definitely not. Perish the thought... Mind you, there is a blibbing long queue at the bar just now. I only want a cup of coffee... hmm... I wonder...

 

I paid for this.  Honest.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or notorius individuals born on the 9th of November? Of course there were; here are some I’ve actually heard of. George II 1683 (The well-known king. This was written for his coronation in 1727 and has been used at every British coronation since, including the next bloke’s.), Edward VII 1841 (Another well-known king. Liked the ladies. A lot.), Marie Dressler 1868 (Actress who starred in the first full-length film comedy Tillie’s Punctured Romance.), Giles Gilbert Scott 1880 (Architect. Designed a... no, not a... the telephone box.), Edna May Oliver 1883 (Actress. If ever a pre-war American film required a tart-tongued, waspish spinster, she seemed to get the gig.), Ed Wynn 1886 (Actor. A Disney stalwart in his later years. He voiced the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. He also played Uncle Albert in Murry Pappuns.), Anthony Askwith 1902 (Director of posh films don’t-cha-know.), Hedy Lamarr 1914 (Actress who invented ‘frequency hopping spread spectrum technology’ in WWII as a radio-guidance system for allied torpedoes which could be used without threat of jamming by the Axis powers. It wasn’t utilised at the time but it provided the basis for bluetooth technology and wi-fi. Not just a gorgeous face.), Spiro Agnew 1918 (The well-known vice-president. Resigned with Tricky Dicky at the time of the Watergate scandal.), Dorothy Dandridge 1922 (Actress and singer. Here she is in a 1942 clip singing Cow Cow Boogie.), Carl Sagan 1934 (Astronomer and author.), Mary Travers 1936 (Part of folk trio Peter, Paul and Mary [Which one was she? - Ed.] Here they are hammering away.), Roger McGough 1937 (A third of Scaffold and poet.), David Constant 1941 (Crickety bloke.), Tom Fogerty 1941 (A bit of Creedence Clearwater Revival. Time for a clip.  All together now... Left a good job in the city...), Tom Weiskopf 1942 (Golfy bloke.), Phil May 1944 (A Pretty Thing. Time for a clip.  Here's Midnight to Six Man.), Luiz Felipe Scolare 1948 (Cara de futebol.), Lou Ferrigno 1951 (The original Incredible Hulk.), Jill Dando 1961 (The people’s presenter.), Bryn Terfel 1965 (Singer isn’t it. Have a bit of culture look you. , David Duval 1971 (Golfy bloke.) and Gareth Malone 1975 (Choirmaster.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

 

Dear Mr. Mengler,

We are huge fans of the folk singing group, Peter, Paul and Mary. They used to sing protest-type folk songs like the one you gave us as a clip, as well as some whimsical songs such as Puff, the Magic Dragon. They rarely entered the British charts with their songs but, in 1969, they reached number two with a song penned by John Denver; can you recall the name of it?

Yours with kisses on the bottom,

Lee Vinngon, Adge Ett-Plain.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our little bet go last week? It won. Yay! Well, we won a bit. A profit, anyway. £4.00 from our £2.20 bet. Better that a poke in the eye with a wet fish. What happened? Read on.

 

Brechin vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 2 Edinburgh City 3

Yay!

Match report? Nah!

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Away win

Result - Cowdenbeath 1 Cove Rangers 3

Yay!

Match report? No chance.

Elgin vs Annan Athletic - Prediction Home win

Result - Elgin 4 Annan 0

Match report? Other than to say Annan defender, Steven Swinglehurst was red-carded on 61 minutes, nope.

Stenhousemuir vs Queens Park - Prediction Home win

Result - Stenhousemuir 0 Queens Park 3

Hopeless!

Match report? Again, no.

Stirling vs Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Stirling 3 Albion 0

Yay!

Match report? I should cocoa!

 

Not a bad effort from The Grambler there; can he/she/it go one better this week? Here are this week’s predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

Ross County vs Aberdeen - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Alloa vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Partick vs Morton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Montrose vs Forfar - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Edinburgh City vs Elgin - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Once again, The Grambler sticks with Scottish games. At least they are not all in League Two, so there will be a match report or two next week.

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Predictions (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!), the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping....

 

£10.26

Not whopping at all.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which country qualified for the 1950 World Cup but refused to play because FIFA wouldn't let them play barefoot. The answer was India.

One for this week? Which footballer first gained media attention when his youth team won a game 23-0; a game in which he scored every single goal?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  You might be interested to know that the total quoted in that little clip has moved on and is currently £52,676 raised for the Bobby Moore Fund.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther I am indebted to a Mr R. McGough who, as stated in the birthday honours, was a member of the well-known group, Scaffold, but is now better known as a popular, and indeed, populist, poet. I think, therefore, it is only right that we finish with some examples of his work...

 

VAT

I do not value
Added tax.

 

Good Old William

'I concur
with everything you say,'
smiled William.

'Oh yes,
I concur with that,
I agree.'

'If that's the general feeling
you can count on me.
Can't say fairer.'

Good old
William, the Concurrer.

 

Beguiling

She is so beguiling
That when she beckons
I can run a mile
In twenty seconds.

 

The Time I Like Best

The time I like best is 6am
when the snow is 6 inches deep
which I'm yet to discover
'cause I'm under the covers
fast, fast asleep.

 

Goodbat Nightman

God bless all policemen
and fighters of crime,
May thieves go to jail
for a very long time.

They've had a hard day
helping clean up the town,
Now they hang from the mantelpiece
both upside down.

A glass of warm blood
and then straight up the stairs,
Batman and Robin
are saying their prayers.

* * *

They've locked all the doors
and they've put out the bat,
Put on their batjamas
(They like doing that)

They've filled their batwater-bottles
made their batbeds,
With two springy battresses
for sleepy batheads.

They're closing red eyes
and they're counting black sheep,
Batman and Robin
are falling asleep.

 

Survivor

Everyday,
I think about dying.
About disease, starvation,
violence, terrorism, war,
the end of the world.

It helps
keep my mind off things.

 

And finally, one that could have been written for Boris Johnson...

The Leader

I wanna be the leader
I wanna be the leader
Can I be the leader?
Can I? I can?
Promise? Promise?
Yippee I'm the leader
I'm the leader

OK what shall we do?

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Week 14 - The Grambler solves the housing shortage

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

"So, this new material you've developed... this ‘plastic’ stuff. Tell me about it."

"Wel, it is very cheap to produce and it can take the place of expensive wood, glass and metal products. Also, unlike wood, it will never rot, unlike metal it won't rust and unlike glass it won't smash. No more broken glass bottles; plastic can be the new material for containers."

"It sounds tremendous."

"It would also seem to be indestructible. Basically, it will last forever."

"Cheap to make, you say? It sounds the perfect disposable product."

"Disposable? No, I think not. As I said, it will last forever."

"Well, that's not much use. I need a product that has to be replaced. We'll just tell everyone it's a one-use item and get them to throw them away."

"Where?"

"Sorry?"

"Where would they throw them?"

"In the bin... landfill... anywhere."

"But it won’t decompose like other materials; it isn’t biodegradable."

"S.E.P. old boy."

"Ess ee pee? What does that mean?"

"Somebody else's problem. Let's get them moulds working..."

That conversation definitely, possibly, or probably-never took place many moons ago in the infancy of plastics. If it didn't, it should have done. If it had, maybe somebody would have realised that plastic is most certainly not a throwaway material. It lasts forever, it would seem. It was a fact that wasn't lost on Earl Tupper [Ooh, he was good him. The tough of the track. Welder during the week, world class athlete at the weekend... Ate nothing but fish suppers, you know. - Ed.] That's Alf Tupper, ya numpty. Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, Earl Tupper, the maker of the plastic food container that bears his name. He knew from the start that plastic would last a lifetime, or several lifetimes, and so he guaranteed his products for life. If ever anything failed, it would be replaced, free of charge, no matter how old the product was. Okay, the goods made by his company were expensive, but they were of excellent quality and returns were infrequent.

Sadly, he was the only one who had such vision. The opening 'conversation' would seem to cover the attitude of everybody else involved in the manufacture of plastics.

Of course, as young Greta Thungammyberg points out, we are now paying the price for living in a chuck-it society. It is a crazy situation that has developed and is now causing chaos, because nobody knows what to do about all this waste that has been created... and yet still we buy our liquids in plastic. What is the answer? Pull up a chair and I'll tell ee.

While this mountain of waste plastic containers continues to grow, there are some people who can't even afford to buy the products contained within them; can't even afford a home. Well, the grambler has the answer to the housing problem. [You bloody would have. - Ed.] Build more homes [Is that it? - Ed.] out of plastic containers. [You what? - Ed.] Clever, huh?

Yes, I hear you say, but plastic containers come in all shapes and sizes, how can you possibly use them to build houses? At the moment, that would seem to be a problem, but plastics manufacturers could be 'persuaded', that is, forced, to standardise their products so that they are of uniform dimensions and, instead of liquid containers being cylinder shaped they would have to conform to a square or rectangular shape with the base being concave rather than convex such that the cap of another bottle can fit into the hollow formed. Thus, bottles could be placed end to end without any gaps. Fill each bottle with any heavy-ish material such as gravel, dirt or sand and voila, plastic bricks. Glue together a few and you have a dwelling. Brilliant, huh?

How many millions of bottles are chucked away each day? How many houses could be built out of them? Hunners, I reckon.

As genius ideas go, it's up there with anything Jems Vacuum-Cleaner has ever come up with.

So there you have it, The Grambler solves the world housing problem by making use of plastic that might otherwise be thrown away. It really has to be one of the greatest... [What about the roof? - Ed.] Sorry pardon excuse me? [The roof. How do you make plastic bottles into 'slates'? - Ed.] Erm...I'll get back to you on that one. [Or floors. - Ed.] All right, all right... The plan needs a bit of development... I never said I was an architect. The plastic bottle bricks would be a start. Okay? [Or ceilings... - Ed.]

 

A new housing estate.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 2nd of November? Of course there were; here are some I’ve actually heard of. Edward V 1470 (The short-lived monarch. Uncle Dick... the bloke found in a Sainsburys car park... assumed the throne soon after Eddie became king. Remember the princes in the Tower? Eddie was one of them. Uncle Dick had something to do with their demise... allegedly.), Daniel Boone 1734 (Hunter and explorer.), Marie Antoinette 1755 (The well-known queen consort with a cake fixation.), Joseph Radetzky von Radetz 1766 (The not-very-well-known Austrian field-marshall with an incredibly well-known toon named after him.  You will recognise this, I am sure.  Incidentally, that guy shaking everyone's hands is the conductor, not some random drunk.), Victor Trumper 1877 (Strine creekuddy blake.), Battista Farina 1893 (Founder of the Pininfarina Company.), Luchino Visconti 1906 (Film director. Death in Venice was one of his.), Burt Lancaster 1913 (Actor. Factoid: he was a circus acrobat before turning to acting.), Sidney Luft 1915 (Film producer. The third Mr Garland.), Ken Rosewall 1934 (Strine Tinnisy blake.), Brian Poole 1941 (Singer with the Tremeloes. [Oh dear, how awful for him. - Ed.] Here’s a clip which will appeal to fans of the Mighty ‘Well.  All together now... Well shake it up baby now...), Bruce Welch 1941 (A Shadow. Here’s a live performance from 1964. It might even get your feet tapping.), Shere Hite 1942 (A sexologist.), Stephanie Powers 1942 (Actress. [Wasn’t she married to Robert Wagner? - Ed.]), Keith Emerson 1944 (Keyboard wizard. Have a clip. Here’s a famous piece by Aaron Copland... No not that one... It’s Hoedown. Yee Hah!), Alan Jones 1946 (Strine ricing caaar drawver.), Dave Pegg 1947 (Bit of Fairport Convention. He has been the go-to bass player for many artists and bands including... deep breath... Jethro Tull, Nick Drake, John Martyn, Sandy Denny, Steve Ashley, Richard and Linda Thompson, Ralph McTell, Dave Swarbrick, Julie Covington, Murray Head, Dick Gaughan. A heck of a lot to choose a clip from. How about this? Dave doing a Jethro Tull toon.), Maxine Nightingale 1952 (Chanter. Let’s have a clip. Here's a right old jolly toon.), Peter Mullan 1959 (Actor. Mum’s man.), k.d. lang... That’s how she writes it... 1961 (Chanter. Have a clip. A song about chocolate, perhaps?), Bobby Dall 1963 (A bit of Poison. This is the band’s biggest hit... Every rose has its thone. Every day has its done.), David Schwimmer 1966 (A friend. ) and Cornell Haynes aka Nelly 1974 (A wrapper. Here he is flapping his wings.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

 

Dear Mr. Mangler,

I am a huge fan of the guitar group, The Shadows, and was pleased that you played a rare clip of them performing Foot Tapper. That was the last of their five number one hit singles. Can you remember which tune gave them their previous number one?

Yours quizzically,

Dan Son.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our little bet go last week? It won; sort of. A return of £1.36 from a £2.20 bet isn’t exactly a resounding success. What happened? Read on.

 

Birmingham vs Luton - Prediction Home win

Result - Birmingham 2 Luton 1

Yay!

Blues opened the scoring with the last kick of the first half when Kristian Pedersen headed in fellow full-back Maxime Colin's cross.

Pedersen was at fault for Luton's equaliser, however, losing possession before substitute Harry Cornick, aka Junior, blasted the ball beyond keeper Lee Camp.

But Birmingham retook the lead with eight minutes remaining as Lukas Jutkiewicz nodded home a corner.

 

Middlesbrough vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Middlesbrough 0 Fulham 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Boro drew a blank despite the dismissal of Whites goalkeeper Marek Rodak after just 17 minutes.

The Slovakian youngster was shown a red card for handling Jonny Howson's shot outside the area but, although Lewis Wing's second-half effort struck the post, the hosts failed to take advantage.

Aleksandar Mitrovic squandered Fulham's best opportunity to snatch the win, heading Joe Bryan's cross wide from close range.

 

Nottingham vs Reading - Prediction Home win

Match postponed

 

Peterborough vs Coventry - Prediction Home win

Result - Peterborough 2 Coventry 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Sky Blues had taken a deserved first-half lead through Amadou Bakayoko before Marcus Maddison equalised from the penalty spot.

Bakayoko's opener came in the 12th minute from a Biamou through ball after Peterborough's Louis Reed had lost the ball. The striker slotted home at the near post.

But the dominant visitors were punished for not scoring a second goal seven minutes into the second half when Posh defender Mark Beevers flicked a header on to Ivan Toney who was fouled inside the area by Kyle McFadzean. Maddison sent goalkeeper Marko Marosi the wrong way.

Max Biamou's superb effort from 15 yards on 85 minutes looked to have won the match before Siriki Dembele found Mo Eisa inside the area and he curled in a stoppage time equaliser goal.

 

Southend vs Ipswich - Prediction Away win

Result - Southend 1 Ipswich 3

Yay!

The Shrimpers did have an early Rob Kiernan header ruled out for offside but the Tractor Boys soon hit their stride.

Ipswich opened the scoring in the eighth minute when James Norwood latched onto Kayden Jackson's through ball to fire home with Southend goalkeeper Mark Oxley rooted to his line.

Norwood grabbed his second to double the lead in the 70th minute when Jackson's left-wing cross picked out the striker who sent a low, left-footed shot into the bottom right hand corner of the net from 12 yards.

Six minutes later, Ipswich made it 3-0 with Jackson firing home after Jon Nolan's effort had been parried out by Oxley.

The Shrimpers netted a consolation effort in the 83rd minute with substitute Emile Acquah scoring from close range.

 

Ho hum. Two right, two nearly right and one postponed; not The Grambler’s worst effort. Still not good enough, though. Can he/she/it maake amends this week? [Yes, by not predicting anything. - Ed.] Oh ye of little faith.

Lets have a look at this week’s random selections.

Game - Result - Odds

Brechin vs Edinburgh City - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Cowdenbeath vs Cove Rangers - Prediction Away win - 11/20

Elgin vs Annan Athletic - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Stenhousemuir vs Queens Park - Prediction Home win - Evens

Stirling vs Albion - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Uh oh... The Grambler has chosen all the games from Scottish League Two. Expect a report-free blog next week as nobody bothers providing a match report on Scottish games lower than the Championship.

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Predictions (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!), the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping....

 

£11.22

That’s not particularly whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what team in the English league currently plays at a stadium called Highbury. The answer is Fleetwood Town.

One for this week? Here’s a good un. Which country qualified for the 1950 World Cup but refused to play because FIFA wouldn't let them play barefoot?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, also take the time to click on this link, an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther I am indebted to a Mr D. Schwimmer and somebody else who looks very like him. About a year ago, a man stole a crate of beer from a Blackpool shop and, when his face appeared on-line, people were convinced that Mr Schimmer was behind the theft.  We end this week's edition of the world's greatest ill-informed blog with a news item that proves the Friends actor has a good sense of humour.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.