Friday, 28 September 2018

Week 9 - Have you been mis-grambled PPI


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Do you recall many years ago a scary moustachioed man on an advert who bellowed at us, 'Have you had an accident at work through no fault of your own?' He then went on to tell you how to make a claim with a no win no fee firm of lawyers. I'm not sure what percentage of the settled claim ended up in the lawyers pockets, but I'm guessing it must have been pretty substantial judging by the number of times this particular advertisement was shown.

I've had accidents at work when I've tripped over something or other. My reaction was not to go rushing to the nearest legal eagle to make a claim, but to simply say, 'Who put that fn plank/loose mat/wall there?' Usually these words were preceded and probably followed for some time afterwards by the word 'ow'.

My view when I saw those ads and the many others of the same ilk that followed was to say, 'Yes, so have I. Get over it. You should be more careful.'

Anyway, why am I discussing an advert which was first shown over twenty years ago?

Well, it seemed to be the beginning of the claim culture which is now so prevalent in this country. How many times has an advert asked you if you had been mis-sold PPI? [What's a proton pump inhibitor got to do with anything? - Ed.] Ahem... The strap line is that you may be due compensation. The fact that we are being asked the question suggests that PPI should never have been sold in the first place. The implication seems to be that every example was mis-sold. Should PPI even exist?

Any road up, a member of parliament has talked about, and criticised, this blame and claim culture. Basically, he feels that it has gone far enough and people should take some more, i.e. any, responsibility for their actions. Well done sir, I say. It's about time it was stopped. The only winners in my view are the fat cat lawyers who cream off (Do you see what I did there? Cat. Cream... Please yourselves.) their 10, 15 or 20 per cent from every case they win.

PPI claims? Surely every claim is going to be the same as every other one; the sums of money involved may alter, but the legal procedures will be exactly the same. The paperwork could be photocopied for all the differences there are. Just change the claimant’s name and the amount of money being sought.

Thank goodness someone has spoken up about lawyers jumping on any passing bandwagon that might guarantee some dosh coming their way for doing, let’s face it, not much.

Today I was looking through a magazine and noticed an advertisement... 'Have you bought a diesel-engined VW/Audi/Skoda/Seat? You could be due compensation.'

Give me strength!
 
 
Have you had an accident in a diesel Volkswagen
you bought with your PPI compensation?
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 29th of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Miguel de Cervantes 1547 (Novelista. Wrote Donkey Hoaty.), Robert Clive 1725 (Aka Clive of India. He instigated many atrocities, demanded high taxes and forced the cultivation of crops which worsened famine in the country. He also became a multi-millionaire in the process. What a b*st*rd!), Horatio Nelson 1758 (Sailor. Started a craze for ‘kiss-me-quick’ hats.), Elizabeth Gaskell 1810 (Orfer. Cranford. That was one of hers.), László Bíró 1899 (Patented the first commercially viable ballpoint pen.), Billy Butlin 1899 (Ran the most successful chain of British holiday camps. If it hadn’t been for him, there would have been no Hi-De-Hi Beeb Beeb Ceeb sitcom. Curse you, Butlin!), Greer Garson 1904 (Ectress. Played Mrs Miniver. Nominated for ‘Best ectress’ Oscar seven times, but only won it once.), Gene Autry 1907 (Singing cowboy. Let’s see if I can find you a clip. Here he is back in the saddle.), Michelangelo Antonionionionioni 1912 (Regista e sceneggiatore. That’s got you thinking.), Trevor Howard 1913 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Stanley Kramer 1913 (Film director and producer.), Stan Berenstain 1923 (Author and Illustrator. The bears... he did them.), Steve Forrest 1925 (Actor. Award winner. He got a ‘Razzie’ for Mommie Dearest.), Colin Dexter 1930 (Orfer. Morse. He wrote that.), Anita Ekberg 1931 (modell och skådespelerska. Another one to test you.), Lance Gibbs 1934 (Crickety bloke.), Jerry Lee Lewis 1935 (Musician. Here’s his Great Balls of Fire. You can get cream for that, you know.), Silvio Berlusconi 1936 (Politician who has problems keeping his trousers on.), Jim Baxter 1939 (Footy bloke.), Larry Linville 1939 (Actor. Frank Burns in M*A*S*H. That was him.), David Steele 1941 (Crickety bloke.), Madeline Kahn 1942 (Actress.), Ian McShane 1942 (Ector.), Jean-Luc Ponty 1942 (Musicien. Time for some jazz fusion.), Mohammad Khatami 1943 (سیاستمدار Ha! That’s floored you.), Lech Wałęsa 1943 (Polityk.), Mike Post 1944 (Musician. Have a clip. The northern soul groovers used to bop along to this... Afternoon of the Rhino.), Patricia Hodge 1946 (Ectress.), Sebastian Coe 1956 (Posh runny bloke turned politician.), Chris Broad 1957 (Crickety bloke.), Jack Dee 1961 (Comedian.), Julia Gillard 1961 (Strine prohm meeneester.), Ben Miles 1966 (Ectaw.), Brett Anderson 1967 (A bit of Suede. And here, indeed, is a bit of Suede. What you heard there was Trash.), Matt and Luke Goss 1967 (Two thirds, then the whole of Bros. Wonder if they’ll ever be famous.), Mackenzie Crook 1971 (Actor, comedian, writer, director and detectorist.), James Lance 1975 (Ectaw.) and Andriy Shevchenko 1976 (футболист и политик. Another one to confuse you.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Kanga,

I work for the ING bank in Bydgoszcz, Poland - probably the most northerly branch of the bank - and often pass the working day listening to British acts from the late eighties to early nineties. I am so pleased that you included a Bros song in this week’s selection of clips. Here’s a teaser for you. What was the group’s only UK number one?

Best wishes,

I. O’Yew, North ING.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Back to being a bit rubbishy, I’m afraid. 64 pees. That’s all. From a £2.20 bet. Not very good. What happened? Read on...

 

Aston Villa vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win

Result - Aston Villa 1 Sheffield Wed 2

Boo!

Wednesday took the lead just after the break when the ball broke to Marco Matias on the edge of the area and he fired a crisp shot into the bottom corner.

John McGinn levelled with a stunning volley that went in off the underside of the bar but Steven Fletcher scored Wednesday's winner with a header from a Joel Pelupessy cross.

 

Leeds vs Birmingham - Prediction Home win

Result - Leeds Utd 1 Birmingham City 2

What!

Che Adams struck twice in the opening 30 minutes for Birmingham, first with a low finish from the edge of the area that beat Leeds keeper Bailey Peacock-Farrell at his near post.

The 22-year-old forward doubled the visitors' lead after a swift counter-attack to help them earn a first win of the campaign.

Leeds halved the deficit through Ezgjan Alioski's low strike in the closing stages.

 

Middlesbrough vs Swansea - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 0 Swansea 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Oli McBurnie and Martin Olsson went closest for the visitors, while a Tom Carroll cross hit the woodwork.

Boro's best chances fell to Daniel Ayala and Stewart Downing.

And that just about sums it up.

 

Sheffield Utd vs Preston - Prediction Home win

Result - Sheffield Utd 3 Preston North End 2

Yay! (About time)

David McGoldrick scored a late winner as Sheffield United edged past Preston North End, who had come from 2-0 down to equalise.

McGoldrick's low shot clinched victory for United in the 87th minute following a fine assist from Enda Stevens. [Edna? - Ed.]

A quiet first half was brought to life by Billy Sharp's right-footed shot from close range to open the scoring, before Chris Basham's looping header found the top corner from an Oliver Norwood free-kick.

Preston drew level with two goals in two minutes as Daniel Johnson's left-footed shot was followed moments later by Callum Robinson's similar effort, both finding the bottom left corner.

 

West Brom vs Millwall - Prediction Home win

Result - West Bromwich Albion 2 Millwall 0

Yay!

Dwight Gayle's poacher's instinct came to the fore as he pounced in the penalty area after Millwall goalkeeper Ben Amos had produced a stunning save to tip Ahmed Hegazi's header against the crossbar.

Kieran Gibbs completed the win for the hosts, firing home from an acute angle at the back post after latching on to Tyrone Mears' curling cross.

 

Ho hum. What can the great and powerful Grambler predict for us this week? Here are his/her/its random predictions for this week. All games kick off at 3.00pm this Saturday the 29th of September.

Game - Result - Odds

Bolton vs Derby - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Fleetwood vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Plymouth vs Doncaster - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Cheltenham vs Lincoln - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Macclesfield vs Forest Green - Prediction Away win - 10/11

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£12.52

 

Uh oh. Too whopping and he/she/it has gone away for all five games again. This can only end in tears; you mark my words.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what connects the nicknames of Southamption, Darlington and Plymouth Argyle. Did you spot it? The answer is religion. The clubs have the nicknames Saints, Quakers and Pilgrims.

What about one for this week? Let’s have a question relating to the Scottish national team. Who was in charge of the Scottish national team when they reached the World Cup Finals in 1998? That shouldn’t be too difficult.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Dee who celebrates his birthday this weekend. Mr Dee has starred in a few amusing situation comedies, has hosted Live at the Apollo and is the ‘question master’ on Radio Four’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, but his most famous TV moment is surely when he won the 2001 series of Celebrity Big Brother. Crikey has that programme been going as long as that? People are happy to watch some rubbish, aren’t they? [They’ll read it too, which is just as well for you. - Ed.]

Any road up, here are some of Jack’s amusing moments to finish this week’s (g)ramble...

 

In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.

 

One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.

 

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.

 

I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like customs officers.

 

They call it 'surfing' the net. It's not surfing. It's typing in your bedroom.

 

My local's rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night-First question was, What the f*ck are you looking at?

The film industry is like Anne Robinson-always on the look-out for a new face

 

Studies show 1 in 5 British teens are unable to peel an orange... It's a good job they've all got knives then.

A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?

I read an article that said if you regularly drink two glasses of wine a day, you could be well on your way to becoming an alcoholic. I thought, if I regularly drank two glasses of wine a day I'd be well on my way to being cured of alcoholism.

The other night, this salesman phoned up and started banging on and on about buying car insurance. I'm not interested anyway. I don't even have car insurance, because I'm a careful driver.


I love to be in Britain, when it's hot weather. I love it when you get four or five days of hot weather, because then people in Kent run out of water, don't they? Know what I like to do? I like to ring them up, and play the sound of running water down the phone.

[Pretending to be on the telephone] Hello, I just washed my car. Probably water the lawn in a minute. Might have a bath, might not, see how I feel. I'll probably fill the bath, not even use it.

I've had my run-ins with booze; it's well documented. So what I can say from experience is that it takes a lot of guts and perseverance and courage to stop drinking. Which is why I haven't.

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called Not Poodle.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Sunday, 23 September 2018

Week 8 - It's the late late Grambler, once more


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

So.... (nod a bit)... it's farewell... (touch glasses)... to.... (more nodding)...Denis Norden... (touch glasses)... The slowest... (nod nod)... television presenter... (touch glasses again while nodding).................. ever.

Those of you of a certain age may remember old Denis... and, believe me, he was old... as the presenter of a programme called It'll be Alright on the Night; a selection of out-takes and mistakes that obviously couldn't be used.... except on a programme like this. It was hilarious. (It says here). It began over 40 years ago when Den was already in his mid fifties and seemed to run for eons (him as well as the programme).

I shouldn't mock it, because it's popularity was such that it seemed every comedy programme from then on copied the idea and had a few out takes tagged on at the end. Oh how we laughed.

Eventually, the genre (That's a good word. Must look it up.) became a parody of itself with even animators making short films of ‘bloopers’ to tag on the end of the main feature. Toy Story, for example, got the treatment.

Any road up, back to Mr Norden. Many are perhaps unaware that It'll be Alright on the Night was a late career move for him; he had started his show business career as a comedy script writer with Frank Muir. After some years as simply writers, tv and radio producers realised that their wit could actually be used in performing roles... Well, if appearing on panel games counts as performing. Thus, the two of them began a second career and became a sort of double act on programmes such as My Word and its spin off My Music.
However, I'm moving too quickly here, it was the first career which should interest us more. From the late nineteen forties through to the early nineteen sixties, Muir and Norden wrote for many radio and television comedies.

Their first huge success was a programme called Take It From Here which starred Jimmy Edwards, Dick Bentley and June Whitfield. I've actually used a clip from the programme as part of thegrambler.com in the past. They stuck with Jimmy Edwards when he moved to tv and wrote his series Whack-O which was about a crooked headmaster at a public school for boys. They followed that with another series for him entitled Faces of Jim.

Here's a factoid for you. Do you remember the film Carry On Cleo? The part where Kenneth Williams as Julius Caesar gets his comeuppance, he utters the most memorable Carry On line ever... 'Infamy. Infamy. They've all got it on for me.' Okay, it doesn't look so amusing when it's written down like that, but it was. Believe me. Anyway, it was a gag written by Muir and Norden. So now you know.

They carried on writing together but this would eventually take a back seat as their tv and radio appearance work took over. The partnership lasted over fifty years.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 22nd of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Anne of Cleves 1515 (Wife number four of Henry VIII. They were married for all of six months. She escaped with a divorce.), Michael Faraday 1791 (Scientist famous for his effect, cage, cup, constant, paradox, rotator, wave and wheel among other things.), Christabel Pankhurst 1880 (Queen of the mob.), Erich von Stroheim 1885 (Actor, screenwriter, director and producer), Paul Muni 1895 (Actor), Henry Segrave 1896 (World record setting bloke), John Houseman 1902 (Actor and producer), Rosamunde Pilcher 1924 (Orfer.), Eric Broadley 1928 (Engineer. Founder of Lola, el oh el ay Lola), Fay Weldon 1931 (Orfer), George Younger 1931 (Politician and banker... I said banker), Ingemar Johansson 1932 (Boxy bloke), Toni Basil 1943 (Singer who had a hit with Hey Mickey. ... erm... that’s it), King Sunny Adé 1946 (Musician. Have another clip; here’s Enia l'Asho Mi.), Mark Phillips 1948 (Stud.), David Coverdale 1951 (Chanter with Deep Purple and Whitesnake. Have another clip... Here he goes again.), Richard Fairbrass 1953 (Singer who’s deeply dippy.  No, I have no idea what it means either.), Debby Boone 1956 (Singer. Daughter of Pat who looks suitably proud in this cheesy video for You Light Up My Life.), Nick Cave 1957 (Musician. Have another clip. Here’s Into My Arms.), Andrea Bocelli 1958 (Rerr chanter. Here he is performing Con Te Partiro.), Joan Jett 1958 (Singer who loves rock and roll.), Scott Baio 1960 (Actor), Liam Fox 1961 (Politician from Polomint City), Catherine Oxenberg 1961 (Actress), Ruth Jones 1966 (Actress, isn’t it.), Sue Perkins 1969 (Comedian), Rupert Penry-Jones 1970 (Ectaw), Emmanuel Petit 1970 (Homme de football), Harry Kewell 1978 (Strine footy bloke.), Billie Piper 1982 (Singer turned actress. What? Another clip? Aye, go on then. Why?  Because we want to.) and Glenn Loovens 1983 (Voetballer).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Fumbler,

I have always been a great fan of singer and actress Billie Piper and am so pleased that you included one of her songs in this week’s edition. The song you gave a link to was her first number one single. The second number one was called Girlfriend. Here’s a teaser for you, can you remember her third and, to date, final number one record?

Yours with knobs on,

Diane Ite.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? All right, actually. Made a wee profit for once. Not much. 30 pees. Better than a poke in the eye with a wet fish. What happened? Read on...

 

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Prediction Away win

Result - Newcastle 1 Arsenal 2

Yay!

Despite being frustrated in the first half, Granit Xhaka opened the scoring for the Gunners with an excellent long-range free-kick after the break, before Mesut Ozil followed up Alexandre Lacazette's blocked effort to double the advantage.

Ciaran Clark responded in stoppage time for the hosts.

 

Coventry vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win

Result - Coventry 1 Barnsley 0

Boo!

Conor Chaplin should have given the home side an early breakthrough when he somehow side-footed wide from six yards.

Jacob Brown spurned two clear-cut chances for Barnsley, firstly when he intercepted Junior Brown's backpass only to see goalkeeper Lee Burge touch his low shot on to a post before firing wide when well-placed from Mamadou Thiam's low cross.

Burge tipped Thiam's 20-yard curler over the bar five minutes into the second half, but at the other end, City were denied when Chaplin's fierce finish from a Jonson Clarke-Harris knockdown was disallowed for offside in the build-up.

An end-to-end affair saw scrambles in both boxes but City snatched the winner when Michael Doyle's free-kick was headed back inside by Dominic Hyam and Jordan Willis hurled himself forward to bundle in from close range.

 

Macclesfield vs Lincoln - Prediction Away win

Result - Macclesfield 1 Lincoln 2

Yay!

The Imps had had an alarmingly easy afternoon at the Moss Rose but looked to have thrown two points away when Jamie Grimes scrambled in an equaliser five minutes from time, cancelling out Tom Pett's first-half goal.

But centre-back Jason Shackell fired in through a crowd of players to increase the misery for second-bottom Macclesfield and keep Lincoln riding high.

In truth the struggling Silkmen had been overrun in a one-sided game, only the heroics of goalkeeper Kieran O'Hara seemingly earning a reward after impressively denying John Akinde, Pett and Harry Anderson.

O'Hara had performed heroics with his side barely able to lay a glove on their high-flying guests as Macclesfield's torment continued late into the game.

That was until Grimes pounced during a goalmouth scramble but, while Lincoln were not at their best, Shackell's goal moments later was enough for the win.

 

Brechin vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 1 Raith Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Match report? Ha ha ha ha... This is a Scottish League One game and therefore unrecognised by the Beeb Beeb Ceeb.

Berwick vs Elgin - Prediction Away win

Result - Berwick 0 Elgin 3

Yay!

See above.

Okey dokey, let’s have a look what The Grambler has come up with this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Leeds vs Birmingham - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Middlesbrough vs Swansea - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Sheffield Utd vs Preston - Prediction Home win - 17/20

West Brom vs Millwall - Prediction Home win - 7/10

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£8.88

 

Hmm... That is distinctly unwhopping.

 

As this week’s edition is so late, I can tell you that these predictions turned out to be a bit rubbishy, only two proving to be correct. Sorry about that.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club dropped Boscombe from its name in 1972. The answer, of course, is Premiershit team A.F.C. Bournemouth.

That was too easy, don’t you think? How about one for this week? Here’s a good un... What connects the football clubs Southamption, Darlington and Plymouth Argyle?  Hint: it's to do with nicknames.  Hmm... very interesting.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Messrs D. Norden and F. Muir who provide us with our final clip of the week.

Long long ago, when you went to the cinema, you didn't just watch one film and that was it, as happens nowadays. This is relevant, I assure you. There used to be an accompanying film (a 'B' movie), a news report and, sometimes, another short, informative film. Often, these took the form of travelogues about far off exotic lands which the average Brit had only ever read about in books; places like Tahiti, Peru or Bali might feature.

The clip I am giving you a link to is a spoof travelogue written by Muir and Norden. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy Balham - Gateway to the South.
 
Pronounced Bal-ham
 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 15 September 2018

Week 7 - Grambleday wishes to Prince Harry


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Those of you who read thegrambler.com on a regular basis will be aware that a favourite topic of mine is motoring. There are many things that catch my ire when it comes to driving.

Today, I am back on the subject of motoring, but it has nothing to do with driving a car; it's more to do with driving the economy (Do you see what I did there?). However do you mean, I hear you ask. Pull up a chair and I'll explain it to ee.

Here in the Yuk there are times in the year when vehicle registration prefixes change. Precisely twice per year, in fact. The registration plate on a new car indicates the year and the time of year that the vehicle was first registered. With me so far? So, on the first of March this year the prefix 18 was introduced. Do you see? 2018 = 18 prefix. I say prefix; there are actually two letters before it and three after it, but I'm too thick to think of a word that suits. No doubt some smartie will pull me up on my stupidity.

Any road up, it is always fun to spot the first new registration plate on or after the first day of that month.

Usually, by the third or fourth day I will stop looking because they are becoming a bit commonplace.

Where is this all leading, you may be wondering. [I certainly am. Yawn. - Ed.] Well, September is the month when a new registration number starts to be used. 68 is the new number. Yeah, I know that makes no sense unless you understand the system. Just believe what I say. The new prefix (which isn't really a prefix) is 68. It just is.

Anyway, what has this got to do with driving the economy? The signs are not good. Here we are in the middle of September and I haven't seen a single new registration plate.

March and September are traditionally the times of the year that most new cars get registered in Britain. It's a vanity thing. It is nice to drive a shiny new car out of the car showroom on the first day of the new plate. I used to do it myself... sadly, I always got caught and they made me take it back. That is meant to be a joke. I didn't really steal cars.

My point is, though, that there is a paucity (That's a good word. Must look it up.) of new cars being registered and that could be an indicator of a failing economy.

What is going on? Are people frightened to spend their money? Perhaps there isn't any money to spend. Is it the Brexit effect? Is everyone sh*tt*ng themselves because they won't have any shoes on their feet? Never mind shoes; what about food to eat?

Well, some good will come of it. At least there won't be so many fat people about.

What? I'm exaggerating? Yes you're probably right. Of course I am. People not buying cars leads to a collapse of the economy? Ha! Ridiculous!

 

 

 

 

 

Do you think it’s the beginning of the end of the world?
 
 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 15th of September? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. James Fenimore Cooper 1789 (Orfer. He was the last bloke with a mohican... or something.), William Taft 1857 (The well-known president.), Ettore Bugatti 1881 (Car maker who must be spinning in his grave when he sees what VW engineers have done in his name.), Antonio Ascari 1888 (Car racey bloke.), Robert Benchley 1889 (Writer and actor.), Agatha Christie 1890 (Orfer.), Jean Renoir 1894 (Film maker.), Donald Bailey 1901 (Engineer who designed the bridge that bears both his name and a lot of weight.), Faye Wray 1907 (Actress who got off with King Kong.), Margaret Lockwood 1916 (Ectress. Ooh, she was wicked.), Richard Gordon 1921 (Surgeon turned orfer.), Jackie Cooper 1922 (Actor.), John Julius Norwich 1929 (Rurly posh bloke, yah?), Graham Taylor 1944 (Footy bloke. Do I not like that?), Jessye Norman 1945 (Singer. At last! A clip. All together now... When you walk through a storm...), Tommy Lee Jones 1946 (Actor. He chased after Harrison Ford.), Mike Procter 1946 (Sarf Ifrican creekutty blake.), Oliver Stone 1946 (Film maker.), Johan Neeskens 1951 (Voetbal speler en manager.), Wayne Ferreira 1971 (Sarth Ifrican tinnees plyer.), Jimmy Carr 1972 (Comedian.), Paul Thomson 1976 (Drummer with Franz Ferdinand. Another clip? Here’s their biggest hit to date, Take Me Out.), Sophie Dahl 1977 (Orfer.), Tom Hardy 1977 (Ectaw.) and Harry Windsor 1984 (Rurly, rulry posh benefits scrounger, yah?).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Badly. Rurly rurly badly. 72 pees back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

 

Blackpool vs Bradford - Prediction Home win

Result - Blackpool 3 Bradford 2

Yay!

Eoin Doyle and Jack Payne gave Bradford the lead, but Jay Spearing scored twice and Curtis Tilt pounced on Richard O'Donnell's error to snatch a late winner.

The game burst into life after 59 minutes when Tilt tripped Kelvin Mellor in the area and Doyle coolly sent Mark Howard the wrong way from the spot.

Payne then doubled the lead five minutes later, finishing low into the corner through a defender's legs.

Spearing pulled one back from the spot with six minutes remaining, firing into the bottom corner after O'Donnell fouled Armand Gnanduillet.

Three minutes later, Ryan McGowan tripped Tilt in the area and, though O'Donnell saved Spearing's initial penalty, the Blackpool captain converted the rebound.

And Tilt then won the game in the 90th minute when O'Donnell spilled a routine cross, pouncing on the loose ball and stabbing in.

 

Sunderland vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win

Result - Sunderland 1 Fleetwood 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Fleetwood striker Paddy Madden headed down and beyond Jon McLaughlin from Ashley Hunter's corner and that was the fifth time this season Sunderland have gone behind in League One.

Once again, though, Sunderland found a way back, even if it was not to secure three points, with the result leaving both teams in the play-off places.

Striker Josh Maja found the net for the fifth time this season to flick in George Honeyman's cross with eight minutes remaining of the opening period.

There were good chances for both teams after that, particularly a Fleetwood penalty soon after the restart when Adam Matthews tripped James Husband. McLaughlin was equal to Madden's spot-kick, diving strongly to his left.

In the closing stages Sunderland saw Tom Flanagan and Jerome Sinclair force Alex Cairns into strong saves and then Glenn Loovens headed against the post from the resulting corner.

 

Bury vs Grimsby - Prediction Home win

Result - Bury 4 Grimsby 0

Yay!

Danny Mayor scored a brace of well-taken goals as Will Aimson and a Danny Collins own-goal completed a one-sided victory.

A superb individual strike from Mayor handed Bury the lead after the forward danced past two Grimsby defenders before coolly slotting home from 15 yards.

Jordan Cook should have equalised for the visitors, but after racing clear of the Bury defence, he was thwarted by a smart save from goalkeeper Joe Murphy.

Harry Clifton also went close for Grimsby but Bury doubled their advantage before the half-time interval.

Aimson was left unmarked in the penalty area as he comfortably headed home Nicky Adams' corner-kick.

Bury's lead increased further just after the hour-mark as Grimsby defender Danny Collins could only tap into his own goal after Chris Dagnall's shot bounced back out off the post.

Mayor struck again to mark a terrific individual display as he curled home from just outside the box to seal maximum points.

 

Forest Green vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win

Result - Forest Green 1 Port Vale 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Port Vale picked up their first point away from home as Tom Pope's penalty cancelled out Carl Winchester's goal in a draw at Forest Green Rovers.

Rovers were reduced to ten men when Farrend Rawson was sent off, but they held on to maintain their unbeaten start.

Forest Green took the lead when Joseph Mills' free kick was headed in by Winchester at the back post.

They had a good chance to double their lead when Reuben Reid burst through the middle and released Joseph Mills on the right, but he shot straight at the keeper on his weaker foot.

Vale grew into the game in the second half and equalised when Pope fired a penalty into the roof of the net after Ricky Miller was fouled by Rawson, who was booked.

It got worse for Forest Green when Rawson was shown a straight red card for a nasty challenge on Mitch Clark.

 

Northampton vs Cheltenham - Prediction Home win

Result - Northampton 1 Cheltenham 3

Boo!

Will Boyle's close-range goal in the first half was added to by Conor Thomas and Kelsey Mooney after half-time, with Kevin van Veen's penalty in vain for the home side.

Northampton raced out of the blocks as Sam Hoskins steered an early effort off target and then Van Veen ballooned over from an acute angle.

But Cheltenham took the lead when Johnny Mullins found space from a free-kick and knocked the ball down to Boyle, who tapped in.

The Cobblers levelled just past the hour as Hoskins pounced on a short back pass and drew the foul from goalkeeper Scott Flinders, allowing Van Veen to score from the spot.

But Cheltenham won their own spot-kick when Shay Facey felled Jacob Maddox and Thomas converted, squeezing the ball past David Cornell.

And the Robins had their third soon after as a scramble from a corner allowed Mooney to prod in.

 

Match reports supplied by the Press Association.

 

Oh dear. Not too good. Can The Grambler up his/her/its game this week? I hope so, but I’m doubtful (as always). What has he/she/it randomly predicted from Saturday the 15th of September’s three o’clock kick offs?

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs Arsenal - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Coventry vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Macclesfield vs Lincoln - Prediction Away win - 11/10

Brechin vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Berwick vs Elgin - Prediction Away win - 11/10

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£14.88

 

Oh dear. A bit too whopping... And what’s with all the away wins?

 

 

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Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who managed Carlisle United, Grimsby Town, Workington and Huddersfield Town before moving to the club which would define his career. The answer was Liverpool’s most famous manager, Bill Shankley.

One for this week? Okey dokey. Which club dropped Boscombe from its name in 1972? Too easy for any geography students out there. See if you can work it out before resorting to Googly maps.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Carr, famous for his tax avoidance and having the most annoying laugh ever. He is also a very clever and funny comedian. Let’s end this week with some of his jokes which I hope will make you smile. Be warned... some of them are rather near the knuckle.

 

“I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.”

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.”

My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.'”

“I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.”I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him, ‘They’re like buses.’ He said, ‘What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.’ I said, ‘No, they are like buses!'

“I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.”

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'”

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ And I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.'”

“I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.”

I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'”

Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.”

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.'”

Say what you want about the deaf…

“No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.”

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'”

People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?”

Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’what kind of man do you think I am?”

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign, ‘This door is alarmed’. I said to myself, ‘How do you think I feel?'”

I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s problem.”

“I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.”

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me, ‘oh, don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys.’ OK, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?”

The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.”

My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ Until the accident.”

“In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.”

My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian

I went up to the airport information desk and said ‘How many airports are there in the world?'”

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.'”

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist’. I said, ‘no, I think you’re fattest.'”

Throwing acid is wrong. In some people’s eyes.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street and said ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘alright, but we’re not going to get much done.'”

“When someone close to you dies, move seats.”

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.”

I live near a remedial school. There’s a sign that says, ‘slow – children’. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side… they can’t read it.”

I saw that show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I’d have thought the obvious one was, ‘shout for help.'”

“If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?”

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.”

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.”

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.”

My Dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.”

“The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very ugly.”

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for a year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.”

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my Mum that really hurt.”

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them. I was lying to get sex.”

“I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn’t eat before you swim. She said, ‘why not?’ I said, ‘you look fat.'”

I worry about my Nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a sound?”

My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
 
 
Jimmy Carr... aspiring comedian

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.