Saturday 27 February 2016

Week 30 - The Grambler's answer to Trip Advisor


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Mrs G and I occasionally like to get away from it all ­ I'm not sure what 'it all' is but, whatever it is, it is something we want to get away from ­ and book a holiday somewhere. In the dim and distant past you knew little about the hotel or boarding house you might be staying in. That explains us staying in some pretty grotty places; hotel bedrooms which could accommodate a bed and nothing else; mattresses that were so sunken in the middle, they must have had that Slumberland Hippo lying on them. Nowadays, we never make a decision about where to go without consulting Trip Advisor. Good old Trip Advisor. It tells you exactly what you can expect. Or does it? Quite often, you will be reading the various reports of visits to a particular hotel, most of which are positive, when there appears a report which seems to bear no relation to anything that has been written before. Most of the reports might be favourable and say something brief like 'Great hotel, great service. I would recommend this.' while awarding it 5 stars, Then suddenly, from out of nowhere comes a one star review coupled to a veritable short novel about every thing being terrible in this hotel that everyone else has been praising in a succinct sentence. You know the type of thing... 'This hotel was one of the worst we have ever stayed at. The beds were uncomfortable. The place was crawling with cockroaches. The staff were lazy. The food was awful. The entertainment was dreadful. Etc. These reports go on for ages and relate any problems encountered ranging from a bathroom plug not sealing properly to swimming pools being a bit cool. If there is something that isn't quite right, these 'reviews' will mention it. Often they complain about things that have nothing to do with the hotel or even the resort...

'The hotel was overrun with loud, drunken (Insert stereotypically annoying nationality here) who (select annoying trait from the following) 1. Claim all the sunbeds, 2. Think they can sing karaoke, 3. Know how to enjoy themselves.

Somewhere in this criticism of everything about this 'holiday from hell' there is the giveaway line 'We complained and were given an upgrade' or 'We complained and didn't even get an upgrade.' Ah, now it all starts to make sense. The people that write these scathing reviews are professional complainers. They moan in the hope of getting something for nothing. The upgrade is the one that the professional complainer is aiming for, but they will settle for money off their bill or the occasional free meal/drink.

I think the hotels should be allowed to retaliate. No, not just by replying to these poor reviews as is currently the case. No. There should be a similar website where hotel managers can get their own back by putting on line the details of any serial moaners who complain for the sake of it. Other hotel owners/managers could consult this database of awkward customers and it would give them the chance to be ready. Forewarned is forearmed, I believe is the expression. Just think, managers could give the appearance of going out of their way to be nice to these people, while actually giving them inferior treatment. Better still, they could let other guests know about any particularly troublesome individuals. Obviously, the moany ones would spend a pretty miserable two weeks of being given the cold shoulder by everyone they try to talk to. Perfect.

I've even got a name for this website ­ 'Shit Advisor'.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 27th of February? Maybe. John Steinbeck 1902 (Gave every schoolboy an excuse for not handing in homework - his dog ate the first draft of Of Mice and Men.), James T. Farrell 1904 (Studs Lonegan’s creator.), Franchot Tone 1905 (Mr Joan Crawford.), Joan Bennett 1910 (Little woman.), Albert George Cernik 1927 (Who? Oh, Guy Mitchell. No wonder he changed his name.), Ariel Sharon 1928 (Woman obsessed with a particular brand of detergent.), Joanne Woodward 1930 (Callan’s mum.), Elizabeth Taylor 1932 (Woman addicted to wedding cake.), Ralph Nader 1934 (Apparently, he’s unsafe at any speed.), Peter Revson 1939 (Racey car bloke. Trivia: He was ranked number 100 in The 100 greatest Jews in sports: ranked according to achievement. As that snappily titled book was published in 2003, it is probably safe to assume he no longer figures in such a listing.), Paddy Ashdown 1941 (Lib Dem leader from 1988 to 1999, famously treated to a new name by The Sun newspaper in 1992), Graeme Pollock 1944 (Cricket-playing fish.), Steve Harley 1951 (Shmikes us happy!), Garry Christian 1955 (A Christian.), Timothy Spall 1957 (What this hut needs is a leader.), Nancy Spungen 1958 (Girlfriend of John Ritchie aka Sid Vicious. Dubbed by the press, Nauseating Nancy.), Paul Humphreys 1960 (An Orchestral Manoeuvre in the Dark.), Derren Brown 1971 (Has a parrot called Rasputin. There was a cat that really was gone.), James Beattie 1978 (Footie bloke.), Chelsea Clinton 1980 (Cardshop in London.), Josh Groban 1981 (This is his joke - How did the grammar teacher die? He got overly hyphenated and slipped into a comma. Hmm... Good job he can sing.) and Diniyar Bilyaletdinov 1985 (Footie bloke. Worth 150 points at Scrabble.)
Must have been a dull news day for this to occupy the first nine pages.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How good was last week’s bet? We won. No, we did. We actually made a profit. Woo hoo! £1.09. Fantastic, or what! [‘What’ definitely - Ed.] What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

 

Burnley vs Rotherham - Prediction Home win

Result - Burnley 2 Rotherham 0

Yay!

Sam Vokes gave Burnley the lead from the spot in the first half after debutant Lloyd Doyley brought down George Boyd.

Rotherham frustrated the hosts for much of the game but Scott Arfield ended lingering fightback hopes with a late second.

 

Barnsley vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win

Result - Barnsley 1 Doncaster 0

Yay!

Ashley Fletcher's late goal secured a hard-fought derby victory for Barnsley over South Yorkshire rivals Doncaster.

Sam Winnall headed narrowly wide for the Tykes early on, before Thorsten Stuckmann saved well from Adam Hammill as Barnsley pressed for an opener.

Doncaster struggled to create chances, while Winnall and Conor Hourihane both drew further stops from Stuckmann.

But the German keeper was unable to hold on to another Hourihane shot, and Fletcher tapped in to grab the points.

 

Mansfield vs Dagenham & Redbridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Mansfield 3 Dagenham & Redbridge 2

Yay!

Oliver Hawkins turned in from six yards to put the Daggers ahead, before Matty Blair's strike and Adi Yussuf's left-footed finish gave the Stags the lead.

Pearce was sent off and conceded a penalty for tripping Jamie Cureton, but the striker fired over from the spot.

Matt Green slotted in for Mansfield, and the visitors could not rescue a point despite Cureton's late goal.

 

Brechin vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 1 Dunfermline 2

Yay!

Josh Falkingham's side-footed finish put the Pars ahead, but Brechin levelled when Robert Thomson headed home Willie Dyer's corner.

Ben Richards-Everton slotted in from close range following Michael Paton's free-kick just before the break.

The Pars wasted chances before City's Andy Jackson had a late effort saved.

 

Montrose vs Elgin - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Result - Montrose 3 Elgin 1

Boo!

Christopher Templeman and Gary Fraser struck either side of half-time for the impressive hosts.

Adrian Mallagaray put the game well beyond Elgin five minutes later with a tap-in, courtesy of another good ball from Templeman.

Neil Martyniuk put through his own goal with a misplaced header late on, but it would not spoil Montrose's day.

Maybe not, but that result certainly spoiled The Grambler’s day. Ho hum. Let’s see what The Grambler has to offer this week. There are 56 games kicking off at 3pm this Saturday, the 27th of February, which five has he/she/it randomly selected this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Leicester vs Norwich - Prediction Home win - 8/15

Bolton vs Burnley - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Charlton vs Reading - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Crewe vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win - 4/6

Hartlepool vs Northampton - Prediction Away win - 5/6

 

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£9.66

Okay, time for your history lesson. Stop fidgeting at the back. And sit up straight. 966 was a very important year. Well, it was for Poland. It was the year Christianity was introduced to Poland and this event is often seen as the starting point of the Polish State. There you go. Interesting or what? [‘What’ definitely - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you why Dunfermline FC are known as the Pars. Actually, I gave you that one because there are so many possible answers. I thought it might start a bit of a discussion down the pub. I am going to cheat a little bit with the answer by quoting from the book Black and White Magic by Jim Paterson and Douglas Scott.

There are numerous theories as to the origin of the nickname the Pars. Most tend to confirm the more common belief that the name arose from the team`s parallel striped shirts, their drinking habits or their style of play. The latter were both described as "paralytic". The earliest theory claims that in the early days when the Football Club was closely connected with the Cricket Club, the footballers were renowned for their performances at the bar and so were called the "Paralytics".

However in the early 1900s it is known that Athletic`s nickname was the"Dumps" - shortened from Dunfermline- and this is said to have been coined by English sailors visiting East End Park when their ship docked at Rosyth. After the 1914-18 War they were known as the Pars and some believe the parallel black and white stripes to be the reason.

Another school of thought involves English workers who came to work at the armaments depot at Crombie and at Rosyth Dockyard; they kept their association with their local team by forming the Plymouth Argyle (Rosyth) Supporters Club and it is said that the Dunfermline nickname comes from the banners in evidence around the ground.

Whichever answer is correct, I hope it got you thinking and didn’t result in too many punch-ups...

‘I’m telling ye, it was because of the parallel stripes... Pars, see?’

‘Ach, yer erse. It was cause they wis always ‘kin steaming... Paralytic... Pars.’

‘I’m sorry to interrupt you chaps, but I think you will find that their nickname came from the Plymouth Argyle (Rosyth) Supporters Club and the Dunfermline nick...’

‘Who ‘kin asked you tae pit yer tuppence worth in? Can yer mammy sew? Get her tae stitch that.’

‘Aye. Nosey b******!’

Time to move on. How about a teaser for this week? Who was the last English manager to have won the UEFA Cup/Europa League? Try that one down the pub... and no fighting, please.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to one of our birthday celebrants, a Mr. D. Brown, whose love of a certain type of colourful bird gives us the chance to have a link to the most famous parrot of all.  Click here to be transported to a pet shop in Notlob.

Happy Grambling.

 

Saturday 20 February 2016

Week 29 - The Grambler does his/her/its sums


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

I despair, I really do. Not so many weeks ago on this very blog, I had a go at our education system. I’m going to do it again. When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] we were taught our ‘times tables’. We were taught from 2 times 2 up to 12 times 12 and everything in between. Why 12, you ask. Well, I grew up with lsd. That’s pounds, shillings and pence for anyone who was going to complain that parenting was a bit lax in the sixties. In those pre decimal coinage days, it made sense to be able to work out that six shillings and ninepence was 81 pennies. Well, the teachers thought so. Any road up, we were forced to repeat these tables out loud for what seemed like hours on end. Made to almost chant the words we were, as if repeating a mantra or prayer. And it stuck. Ask me what 6 times 9 is and I will immediately answer 42. It never leaves you once you’ve learned it.

They don’t seem to use the mantra chant method of teaching these days. How do I know? Twice this week I have had cause to groan in despair at the current standard of numeracy...

I was in a shop yesterday. All right, an Indian takeaway... which is ironic considering what happened, because the woman that served me obviously couldn’t. Take away, that is. I ordered a bag of vegetable pakora. That was all. One item. It cost £3.95. I handed over a £5 note and waited for my change. The young lady who took my money placed it on the counter and then reached into a drawer. I thought she was getting my change. She was getting a calculator. I watched as she tapped in 5.00 minus 3.95, then the equal sign. She then went into the drawer and removed a one pound coin, then, after another glance at the calculator, a five pence coin. Obviously, she was making this second check in case it said 50 and not 05. Isn’t it shameful that she actually couldn’t work out what 5 minus 3.95 was without resorting to a calculator? I let out a small groan.

Today, I was in another shop. Tesco, in case you are interested. Unfortunately, I mis-timed my visit quite badly. I got into the store just as the local high school pupils were making their way home. It seemed that many of them were going to this store as a detour. Honestly, the store was overrun with the blighters. Strangely, the busiest aisles were those with sticky pastries, sweets or fizzy drinks [So the healthy-eating advertising campaign is working, then. - Ed.]. Anyway, I let out another groan of despair as I overheard a schoolboy who, as he was a pupil at a high school, had to be older than twelve, ask his friend... what’s 89 pence plus 89 pence. Jeezo!

Oh, by the way, I won’t be going to that takeaway again; it was like preparing for a colonoscopy all day today! See Week 26 - We're pretty, apretty grambling in case you don’t understand what I am alluding (That’s a good word; must look it up) to.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 20th of February? In a word, probably. Marie Rambert 1888 (Hoofer.), Ansel Adams 1902 (Snapper.), Alexei Kosygin 1904 (Roosky.), Jackie Gleason 1914 (Trivia: Fred Flintstone was based on him.), Gloria Vanderbilt 1924 (Don’t my jeans look great?), Robert Altman 1925 (Trivia: appeared in the 1947 film The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.), Sidney Poitier 1927 (Not the father of David Hampton.), Larry Hovis 1936 (A Hogan’s hero.), Nancy Wilson 1937 (Chanter. Click here to listen to her biggest hit.), Jimmy Greaves 1940 (In his time, England’s top goalscorer, but manager Alf Ramsey left him out of the 1966 World Cup preferring Geoff Hurst. Don’t suppose Ramsey was his favourite person.), Buffy Sainte-Marie 1941 (Musician, singer-songwriter, composer, record producer, visual artist, educator, social activist, actress, humanitarian and all-round smarty boots.), Mike Leigh 1943 (Directed a number of films starring....), Brenda Blethyn 1946 (...Isn’t that a coincidence?), Jerome Geils 1946 (Who? Better known as simply J, as in J. Geils band.), Peter Osgood 1947 (Footy bloke.), Gordon Brown 1951 (Ex PM who is always smiling. Yes, there’s never a frown from Gordon Brown.), Phil Neal 1951 (Footy bloke), Anthony Head 1954 (Wonder if he drinks Gold Blend.), Kelsey Grammer 1955 (School.), Imogen Stubbs 1961 (Anna Lee.), Ian Brown 1963 (A Stone Rose.), Cindy Crawford 1966 (Clothes horse.), Kurt Cobain 1967 (Sick trivia: Cobain has taken Elvis’s crown and is the top-earning dead celebrity.), Ted Hankey 1968 (A darts player not a Christmas poo.), Artur Boruc 1980 (Footy bloke.), Tony Hibbert 1981 (Footy bloke.) and Robin Rihanna Fenty 1988 (Singer of no fixed hairstyle.).

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How good was last week’s bet? Would you Adam and Eve it? Exactly the same return as last week. 58 pees. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Brighton vs Bolton Wanderers - Prediction Home win

Result - Brighton 3 Bolton 2

Yay!

(Ex-Motherwell player) Jamie Murphy's composed finish put Brighton in front before Emile Heskey equalised, but the Seagulls went in ahead at the break through Tomer Hemed [To me head? - Ed.]

Jay Spearing's low shot levelled the scores and, after Albion keeper David Stockdale made a crucial save, Beram Kayal restored Brighton's lead.

 

Derby County vs MK Dons - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby County 0 MK Dons 1

Boo!

Having stifled Derby for much of the game, Jake ‘Posh’ Forster-Caskey netted the Dons' late winner from a free-kick.

Derby's Jeff Hendrick and Chris ‘Yellow’ Martin had shots saved, while Jason Shackell headed wide

 

Crewe vs Walsall - Prediction Away win

Result - Crewe 1 Walsall 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Tom Bradshaw missed several chances for the visitors early on, including an effort which hit the home crossbar.

However, Bradshaw gave the promotion hopefuls the lead with a penalty following a George Cooper handball.

Crewe drew level when Brad ‘I’m free’ Inman nodded in after Semi [Pardon? - Ed.] Ajayi headed on David Fox's free-kick and the home side held on for a point.

 

Wigan vs Oldham Athletic - Home win

Result - Wigan 0 Oldham 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

The visitors were the more threatening side in the first half and came close to opening the scoring when Jussi Jaaskelainen tipped Carl Winchester's 35-yard strike over the bar.

Oldham goalkeeper Joel ‘Mustard’ Coleman denied Will Grigg a winner by saving his close range effort late on.

 

Morecambe vs Oxford United - Prediction Away win

Result - Morecambe 2 Oxford 4

Yay! Phew.

Oxford scored three goals in the last 20 minutes to beat 10-man Morecambe.

U's striker Kemar Roofe volleyed past Barry Roche from close range before the hosts levelled through Lee Molyneux's brilliant chipped finish.

The game turned when Shaun Miller was sent off for a late tackle on Joe Skarz, with John Lundstram slamming in a loose ball soon after to make it 2-1.

Danny Hylton's rebound and Jordan Bowery's cool finish stretched the lead before Tom Barkhuizen's consolation.

 

So, not so well randomly predicted last week. What can The Grambler do this week? There are 45 matches kicking off at 3pm on Saturday the 20th of February and the five that The Grambler has randomly selected are...

Game - Result - Odds

Burnley vs Rotherham - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Barnsley vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win - 21/20

Mansfield vs Dagenham & Redbridge - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Brechin vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win - 2/7

Montrose vs Elgin - Prediction Away win - 3/4

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£8.43

843 was a very significant year. Did you know that? No? Well, it was. Kenneth, king of the Scots, was in this year crowned king of the Picts. And? Thus, he became the first king of the new nation so formed by this union. The nation? Scotland. There you are. A bit of history for you. Who said this blog wasn’t educational?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Premiershit side was relegated in the 1991-2 season and thus spent the first season of the new format league in a lower division. The answer is West Ham, currently placed 7th in the English top division.

What about one for this week? A nice simple one. Why are Dunfermline FC known as the Pars? Answer next week.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, you may have noticed that the back-slapping has started. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, it is film awards season. Last week, the BAFTAs were presented. The BAFTAs a silly acronym (That’s a good word; must look it up.) for the pretentiously named British Academy of Film and Television Arts. What is it with those in the acting/pretending world that they need their egos pumping up every year? Any road up, birthday boy Syd Poitier got an ‘academy fellowship’ award. A what? The best actress/lady pretender award went to some woman going by the cheesy name of Brie Larson. What were her parents thinking? Of course there was a huge rumpus when host Stephen Fry called somebody a ‘bag lady’. Can’t understand the fuss, myself. He called it right. That was, indeed, what she looked like. Anyway, old Fry has gone in a huff and cancelled his Twatter account. So?

My own favourite winner of an award? Mark Rylance. He won the best supporting actor/pretender award for his role in Bridge of Spies. He is being touted as one of the UK’s best actors/pretenders. His range is enormous, but his best performance, by far, is as Bing bunny’s guardian/mentor/parent-figure Flop. If you haven’t seen it, here’s a little clip to whet your appetite - just click here .  I am sure you will be amazed at the man’s versatility.
 
 


 

Happy Grambling.

 

Saturday 13 February 2016

Week 28 - The Grambler swimming with dolphins in wheelchairs


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

I am going to apologise in advance.  There will be complaints about this week's (g)ramble, I am sure.
 
Have you ever heard the expression bucket list? Apparently it's a rather morbid compilation of things that you might want to do before you die. Things like swimming with dolphins. I wonder if dolphins have a similar list of things they want to do and want to swim with humans before they peg it. Doubt it. Nobody seems to consider consulting with the dolphins on this. There was even a rather depressing film called The Bucket List. It told the story of two poor old sods who were dying of cancer. How depressing is that? I recall it starred jack Nicholson playing a miserable git (all right, playing jack Nicholson) who got friendly with a philosophical Morgan Freeman. Both of them were dying of cancer. Between them they endeavour to carry out their bucket lists before they kick theirs. If I recall rightly the whole film can be summed up thus..

There was a bit of a grumpy meeting, then they become friends, they do some of the things that they have on their respective bucket lists ­ which, strangely, seemed to overlap as they carried out many of their listed ambitions together ­ then one of them dies but tells the other to mend bridges with his family before he snuffs it. Really cheery stuff. I know I found it hilarious, but then I am one cynical guy.

What is my (g)ramble this week? It is to do with those people who have physical problems, who insist on undertaking some bucket listy type thing, even though they are really beyond attempting such things. Call me cruel if you like, but I don't think that anyone who is confined to a wheelchair should be allowed to do things like waterskiing, climbing mountains or hang gliding. Yes it's exhilarating, but if you are stuck in a wheelchair, you are not really doing these things, you are simply relying on someone else to carry you with them while they do them. And causing them a whole lot of grief at the same time. They are doing something which requires 100% concentration and commitment. Difficult enough for the experts to achieve on their own without having to carry some git in a wheelchair along for the ride.

Instead, if these people want to experience, say, water skiing they should sit in front of a wind machine while someone sprays them with a garden hose. Same experience and a lot safer.

Heartless you say? Well the message came home to me the last time I was on holiday. If you have read these articles regularly over the past couple of years, you will know that I am not the most mobile of individuals. I am, let's face it, a bit wobbly on the old pins. Anyway, during this particular holiday, Mrs G and I went on a catamaran trip. This trip involved much getting in and out of boats during the day. Everybody managed just fine with all the jumping from small boat to large and back again. Not so, yours truly. I had to rely on at least two big crew members to help me move from one boat to the other. While I was glad that they were willing to help me, I realised that I really shouldn't have been there attempting to do something I was no longer agile enough to achieve.

And it was this that made me think about those selfish wheelchair­bound individuals. Yes, selfish. They want to do something that only incredibly fit people should ever attempt, but because they are in a wheelchair, they believe that they should do it. No! Tell them to sod off! You have spent years getting to a level of fitness that means you can tackle climbing the highest of peaks; however, you did not train all this time in order to cart some selfish git in a wheelchair up the mountain with you.

You know what, Mr selfish git in a wheelchair? You are putting lives at risk. Not just yours, but the mountaineers who have to carry you up a mountain.

If you compile a bucket list, at least make it something a bit more achievable. Sight-seeing, for example. Nothing wrong with a bit of sight-seeing, if you can do it through the window of a bus. If the words special clothing, ropes or hanging-upside-down-with-an-elastic-band-tied-round-your-ankles are used, forget it.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 13th of February? Yes. Whether they are famous enough for inclusion in The Grambler’s birthday honours list, judge for yourselves. John Hunter 1728 (Who, you ask. He was an incredibly famous surgeon who just happens to have been born in my home town... before it be came known as Polomint City.), Randolph Churchill 1849 (Winnie’s dad.), Georges Simenon 1903 (Wrote the Maigret novels. Trivia: although he was born on the 13th, his family registered his birth as the 12th because they were superstitious.), William Shockley 1910 (Who, you ask again. A nobel prize-winning scientist who blemished his reputation by promoting eugenics.), Ernest Jennings Ford 1919 (Who, you ask yet again. Known as Tennessee Ernie Ford. Who, you ask. Singer. 1950s. Famous. Sixteen Tons. That was his big hit.), Charles Elwood Yeager 1923 (Who? Known as Chuck. First pilot to exceed the speed of sound... and live to tell the tale.), Kim Novak 1933 (Trivia: a Hungarian rock band is named after her.), George Segal 1934 (Trivia: he is an accomplished banjo player.), Oliver Reed 1938 (Known as a ‘hellraiser’. In other words, trouble.), Peter Tork 1942 (A Monkee.), Jerry Springer 1944 (Factoid: He was elected mayor of Cincinnati in 1977.), Stockard Channing 1944 (Greasy actress.), Rainer Werner Fassbinder 1946 (‘I let the audience feel and think.’), Peter Gabriel 1950 (‘I’m an artist who works incredibly slowly.’ Too right. Nine studio albums in 39 years isn’t exactly legging it.), Peter Hook 1956 (Bass player with Joy Division and New Order. Odd choice of names for bands. Both had Nazi roots. Singer Bernard Sumner was also known as Bernard Albrecht. Odd. Or should that be sinister?), Pierluigi Collina 1960 (Baldy referee), Henry Rollins 1961 (Musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, motivational speaker, television and radio host, spoken word artist, comedian and activist. In fact, a right old smarty boots.), Robbie Williams 1974 (Singer who struts about a lot) and Jamie Murray 1986 (Andy’s big bro.).

.....oooOooo.....

Before moving onto grambling matters I felt I just had to share this story with you. How could I resist a headline like this...

Man pulls six-year ‘sickie’ and nobody notices

A Spanish civil servant who failed to turn up for work for "at least" six years has been caught after becoming eligible for a long service award.

Joaquin Garcia, 69, was fined €27,000 (£21,000; $30,000) after the award brought his long absence to light.

Mr Garcia, whose job was to supervise the building of a waste water treatment plant, has since retired.

He denies the allegations and his lawyer says he has gone into hiding after suffering a media "lynching".

Mr Garcia said he had been a victim of political bullying in the job and moved to a post where there was no work to do.

He was paid €37,000 a year before tax by a water company run by local authorities in the south-western city of Cadiz. A court found in the authority's favour and ordered him to pay the fine ,which is equivalent to one year's salary after tax and was the most that the company could legally reclaim.

He has written to the mayor asking not to have to pay the fine, and will ask for a review of the judgement.

Six years and no-one noticed he was missing? I take it he was never known as Mr Personality. How can anyone be so insignificant that nobody noticed that they weren’t there for six years? I do hope the Beeb Beeb Ceeb didn’t mind me using that in this week’s blog; it was just too good a story to ignore.

 

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Let’s move on to grambling matters. How good was last week’s bet? Not too good. Only two games went as predicted by The Grambler. So, only 58 pees back for our £2.20 stake. How did The Grambler get it so wrong? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Middlesbrough vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 1 Blackburn 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Jordi Gomez had put Rovers in front on his debut with 18 minutes to go with a sublime 20-yard strike.

David Nugent levelled matters by nodding in Emilio Nsue's cross.

Hope Akpan had a clear chance to win the game for Rovers but he fired wide.

 

Gillingham vs Swindon - Prediction Home win

Result - Gillingham 0 Swindon 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar again!

Rory Donnelly and Josh Wright were denied by Robins keeper Lawrence Vigouroux, while Bradley Dack hit the side netting for the hosts.

Jonathan Obika had an effort blocked at the other end before Donnelly then headed straight at Vigouroux.

John Egan also went close for the Gills when he fired wide.

 

Cambridge vs Dagenham & Redbridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Cambridge 1 Dagenham & Redbridge 0

Yay!

Luke Berry's late penalty sealed a win for Cambridge over Dagenham.

With eight minutes left, the U's captain finally beat visiting keeper Mark Cousins after Joe Worrall brought down Robbie Simpson.

The visitors were unlucky not to be ahead early on, as Ashley Hemmings' cross was pushed out and Josh Coulson's follow-up was blocked on the line.

Ryan Ledson and Jimmy Spencer both went close for Cambridge before Berry’s penalty.

 

Northampton vs York - Prediction Home win

Result - Northampton 2 York 0

Yay!

York's Russell Penn had an effort cleared off the line by Lee Martin, before Martin's corner set up John-Joe O'Toole to head the hosts in front.

Marc Richards doubled the lead after the break when he collected Ricky Holmes' pass to fire into the net.

 

Montrose vs East Fife - Prediction Away win

Result - Montrose 2 East Fife 2

Ooh! ‘It the bar yet again!

Kyle Wilkie scored with curling a drive past Montrose goalkeeper Alex Tokarczyk early on.

A shot from Montrose's Graham Webster struck the top of the bar, but Jason Kerr's header extended the lead.

Gary Fraser pulled one back 12 minutes later, before Terry Masson's screamer in the dying stages ensured the points were shared.

 

Oh dear. Three near misses for The Grambler there. Can he/she/it improve things this week? Let us see what he/she/it have randomly selected for us. As always, the games were picked from those matches taking place at 3pm on this Saturday (the 13th of February) in the four senior English leagues and the four senior Scottish leagues...

Game - Result - Odds

Brighton vs Bolton Wanderers - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Derby County vs MK Dons - Prediction Home win - 8/15

Crewe vs Walsall - Prediction Away win - 8/11

Wigan vs Oldham Athletic - Home win - 3/5

Morecambe vs Oxford United - Prediction Away win - 5/6

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£7.89

Not a lot, is it?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which was the first non-league club to win the FA Cup? The answer is Tottenham Hotspur. Who shouted foul? When they won the cup in 1901 Spurs were still a non-league side; they didn’t join the football league until 1908.

One for this week? Which current Premiershit side was relegated in the 1991-2 season and thus spent the first season of the new format league in a lower division? Try and do that one without resorting to Googlie.

 

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Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr O. Reed who appears in and is talked about in this little snippet from one of those top 50 TV moments type of shows. Click here to enjoy a few examples of why Ollie was one of Britain’s top ‘loose cannons’; always unpredictable - either because he was drunk or because he enjoyed extracting the urine - but always entertaining.

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Saturday 6 February 2016

Week 27 - Terry Wogan - The Grambler remembers


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

This week comedian David Schneider tweeted :

It’s truly like God’s put an intern in charge of deaths and he’s going through the list of celebrities people really love. RIP Terry Wogan.

How apt. Bowie went a couple of weeks ago and now Sir Terence of Wogan has popped his clogs.

I can’t think of many more revered personalities than Terry Wogan; he was a guy who always came across as a witty, likeable guy. He was, in my view, the greatest ever radio performer. People often use the statement ‘it was as if he was talking directly to me’ when they talk of certain radio people; it was certainly true of Wogan.

Everyone out there in Gramblerland probably has their favourite Wogan. Was it the quizmaster in Blankety Blank who would make jokes about how naff the prizes were? Was it the host of Children in Need who managed to keep the whole thing from turning into a shambles?

One of Stewart’s annual highlights was the Eurovision Song Contest. Wogan was the voiceover man and it was his comments which kept you watching. Until Wogan took over the job of presenting, the song contest had been treated as a very serious programme. The presenter would simply introduce the acts from the various countries, but wouldn’t comment otherwise. Terry saw it differently. He realised that it was a dreadful programme with awful songs from around Europe and told you so. If he thought a song was crap, he didn’t hold back. If any other presenter had tried the same thing, he would probably have been sacked for insubordination. Not Wogan. It says something for his technique that he was allowed, even encouraged, to basically take the piss out of the whole thing. It also says a lot that his replacement in the role, Graham Norton, is encouraged to continue the piss-take approach.

My own favourite Wogan was the story teller. Especially when he read the Janet and John stories. If you haven’t heard them, believe me, they are hilarious. The stories are supposedly about his sidekick, John ‘Boggy’ Marsh who read the news on Wogan’s radio programme. They were written by Mick Sturbs (probably not his real name) in the style of a primary one reading book, hence the title of a collection of the stories being published with the title ‘See John Run.’ The premise of the stories was always that John, portrayed as being like a small inquisitive child, would meet someone and have a chat which he then recounted to his wife Janet. However, John’s retelling of the encounter turned from something quite innocent into something absolutely filthy. An example was when he met a lady who was going on holiday to the seaside and was looking forward to the local delicacy of whelks cooked in scrumpy. John’s retelling had her desperate to get a few winkles in cider. Another had him taking his secretary for a meal. She was very excited about him taking her to a very posh London restaurant called ‘The Oxo Tower’. John’s telling of the story altered slightly when he told Janet that his secretary was looking forward to him taking her up the oxo tower. Every story ended with John suffering the wrath of Janet.

These stories were read out by Wogan on his ‘Wake up to Wogan’ radio show. I used to hear them while driving to work. You could always spot fellow listeners, especially if you were stopped at lights when the double entendre laden part of the story was being read - They were the ones wiping tears of laughter from their eyes.

 

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Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 6th of February? Quite likely, one or two. Christopher Marlowe 1564 (Came up with better one liners than his contemporary, Will Shakespeare. How about this one? ‘Who ever loved that loved not at first sight.’ Put a comma after that and its meaning changes. Much better.), Henry Irving 1838 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Eric Partridge 1894 (Who? He only wrote the greatest book aimed at would-be writers. It was called Usage and Abusage.), George ‘Babe’ Ruth 1895 (Basebally bloke.), Ramon Novarro 1899 (Star of silent films. Died in unusual circumstances which certainly can’t be discussed here; especially the ‘urban legend’ version. There, that’s got you intrigued.), Ben Lyon 1901 (US actor who settled in Britain and had hit radio series Hi Gang and Life with the Lyons.), Ronald Reagan 1911 (B movie actor.), Eva Braun 1912 (Inventor of the electric shaver [Some mistake, surely. - Ed.].), Zsa Zsa Gabor 1917 (99 today, has been married nine times, Dahlink.), Patrick McNee 1922 (Trivia: He was expelled from Eton for bookmaking.), Dennis Norden 1922 (If you’re... the kind of... person... who enjoys... the faltering style... of a nonogenarian... rambling on... about... people who are... dead... you are probably... in a... minority... of... one.), Billy Wright 1924 (Footbally bloke married to the Beverly Sisters.), Freddie Truman 1931 (Crickety bloke. Ah’ll sithee.), Rip Torn 1931 (Actor with daft name.), Francois Truffaut 1932 (Didn’t think much of the British film industry: ‘Well, to put it bluntly, isn't there a certain incompatibility between the terms cinema and Britain?’), Leslie Crowther 1933 (Cu...hum on down!), Jimmy Tarbuck 1940 (Factoid: The first time Tarbuck’s name was mentioned in the press was when he was up in court for stealing Tery-Thomas’ cigarette holder.), Bob Marley 1945 (Scrooge’s sidekick), Kate McGarrigle 1946 (Dancer with bruised knees.), Manuel Orantes 1949 (Tennisy bloke), Mike Batt 1950 (Womble), Natalie Cole 1950 (Rhyming slang), Simon Phillips 1957 (Played drums for the dog in The Wizard of Oz.), William Bailey 1962 (Who? Oh, Axl Rose which is an anagram of oral... Really?), Rick Astley 1966 (Anagram of take lyrics), Tim Sherwood 1969 (Footbally bloke. Anagram of swim the door) and Darren Bent 1984 (Footbally bloke. Anagram of bred tanner [Please stop this now. - Ed.].
Before leaving the birthdays, I thought you might like to see what Axl Rose looks like now.  That really is the older version of the guy on the left.  It isn't Keith Lemon.  Although, there does appear to be a bandage on his left hand.
 
 

 

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Before last week’s grambling results, can I just wish the boys from Polomint City the best of luck in tomorrow’s cup clash against Celtic? The way Celtic have been playing lately (badly), could EK pull off the greatest cup upset ever? Doubt it, but I can still hope.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

So Jose Mourhino is being courted by Manchester United. Who’d have thunk it? Man U can’t win a game? Possibly the most successful club manager ever is looking for a job? Obvious, when you think about it

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How good was last week’s bet? Absolute rubbish. Only one game went as predicted by The Grambler. However, we did get 36 pees back from our £2.20 stake. Why? Because a game was postponed. Not sure how the bookies work things out, but I suppose it is better than nought. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Coventry vs Scunthorpe - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 1 Scunthorpe

Boo!

Tom Hopper latched onto a loose ball in the box to hammer home from 10 yards for the opener on nine minutes.

Murray Wallace then headed a 61st-minute second into the bottom corner.

Adam Armstrong's late penalty gave City hope after James Maddison was brought down, but the home side then had Romain Vincelot sent off in injury time.

 

Millwall vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Millwall 1 Crewe 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

In a game of three penalties, Brad ‘I’m free’ Inman put the Alex ahead on 59 minutes after George Cooper had gone down under goalkeeper Jordan Archer's challenge.

Lee Gregory then levelled from the spot five minutes later after Byron Webster was fouled by Crewe keeper Ben Garratt.

But, when Oliver Turton handled late on, Gregory missed a chance to win it, firing his penalty against the post. Pillock!

 

Wigan vs Port Vale - Prediction Home win

Result - Wigan 3 Port Vale 0

Yay!

Wigan took an early lead when Yanic Wildschut's cross-shot was turned into his own net by defender Richard Duffy.

The Latics' second came from Will Grigg penalty's after Vale defender Ryan McGivern had been sent off for fouling the striker in the box.

Grigg secured his brace and the points in the 69th minute when he slotted past Vale goalkeeper Jak Alnwick.

 

AFC Wimbledon vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Wimbledon 2 Yeovil 3

Boo!

The Dons twice led in the first half, through David Fitzpatrick's 20-yard strike and Tom Elliott's volley.

But Jack Compton levelled on both occasions, running through to slide home and curling in a free-kick from out wide.

And the winger sealed his treble from the penalty spot after substitute Kevin Dawson was fouled by Callum ‘Ochone ochone’ Kennedy.

 

Berwick vs Queens Park - Prediction Away win

Postponed

 

So, a pretty crappy week for The Grambler. What can he/she/it do this week to make amends? [Don’t bother giving us a prediction? - Ed.] Here are the predictions for the 6th of February; all games kicking off at 3pm.

Game - Result - Odds

Middlesbrough vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Gillingham vs Swindon - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Cambridge vs Dagenham & Redbridge - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Northampton vs York - Prediction Home win - 1/2

Montrose vs East Fife - Prediction Away win - 4/6

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£8.88

Will this be The Grambler’s week? I doubt it.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which was the first team to use the name United. The answer was the team known as the Blades, Sheffield United, founded in 1889.

What about a teaser for this week? Earlier in this week’s edition, I mentioned East Kilbride (a non-league club) playing top of the SPL side Celtic in the fifth round of the Scottish Cup. Not many non-league teams get that far in the Scottish Cup or the FA Cup. However, in the early days of football in Britain it was possible for a non-league to actually win the competition. This week’s question, therefore, is - which non-league club was the first to win the FA Cup?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr T. Wogan who reads us a lovely story to end this week’s (g)ramble. Click here and enjoy.

 

Happy Grambling.