Thursday 30 January 2014

Week 22 - Stewart's world-famous Isaac Newton gag

I am going straight into Gramblerplan diet mode.

Did you see Horizon this week?  They tried an experiment.  Twins were each put on a month-long diet; one would eat fatty foods only (dairy produce, meat) with no sugar; the other would eat sugary foods (fruit, vegetables) with no fat.  They each lost weight.  The one that was on fatty foods only, lost muscle as well as fat.  Any road up, the conclusion at the end of the month was that you shouldn’t go on faddy diets.  Instead you should eat less and exercise more.  Duh!!  What has the Gramblerplan diet been telling you?  Eat less and exercise more.  It’s not rocket science.  Here’s a thing; what did people compare something reasonably simple to before rocket science?  It’s not Newton’s laws of physics, maybe?  I don’t know.  Same with sliced bread.  We say ‘it’s the best thing since sliced bread’.  What did we compare things to before sliced bread came along?  Actually, I can think of a few things that might be considered better than sliced bread, so why do we even give it a thought.  I’m rambling again.

I went on a diet once. 

Did you, Arthur?

I did and all.  Blibbing waste of time that was.  Lost 5 pounds in the first week.  Five quid!  That’s what that slimming club charged for what they larfingly call an way in.  I know the way in, thank you very much.  Five quid just to stand on some scales!  Daylight robbery.  And that was the pensioners’ rate and all.  For that money you’d think they would have put the heating on.  Freeze the wotsits off an brass doo dah in there it would.  And the place was full of all these overweight people who were too fat.  Absolutely obtuse some of them were.  I said to one woman she should speak to someone at Channel 4; they might want to make a documentary about her.  She didn’t seem keen on the idea.  Just gave me a funny look and said something about that yogurt drink stuff.  Ooh, what’s it called, again? Yakult!  At least I think that’s what she said.  And the weighing itself was an arbsolute fiarsco.  Remove any heavy clothing the woman running it said.  So I did.  Those thermal long johns weigh an ton.  Don’t some women make an racket when they scream?  And I think it was a bit unnarcessary to get the police in.  They said they were going to charge me with indecent exposure.  I told them they should blibbing well charge the slimming club for not putting the heating on; I nearly died of indecent exposure.  And another thing…etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Okay, okay.  I promised you some more slimming tips this week.  Here’s a good one.*  Why, if you are busy doing something, do you eat?  Think about it.  I have heard people say things like, ‘I was so busy, I just bought a sandwich and ate it while I was driving.’  Why?  If you are overweight, you surely have enough fat stored up that you won’t die of starvation if you miss a meal!  If you are too busy to eat – good.  Don’t eat.  How many times have you seen someone rushing along eating a steak bake?  Probably never, if you haven’t got a Greggs near you, but I am sure you know what I mean.  Obviously they haven’t got enough time to sit down and eat something sensible so they buy a calorie-laden, meat-filled pastry that’s probably more than half their recommended food intake for a day.  Eat only when you have time to eat, that’s what I say.  And if you do feel hungry when you are ‘too busy to eat’, take a drink of water.  And I am not just making this up.  Having a drink is usually enough to take away the sensation of hunger.  If you feel you must eat something, what’s wrong with a banana, or some raisins?  No doubt some of you are saying, ah, but I’m diabetic.  And?  You, more than anyone, should know how to eat sensibly.  Why are you taking any notice of the ill-informed rubbish that I write?

*The advice given in this column should only be used in conjunction with a sensible eating and exercise regime as recommended by a medical practitioner.  In fact, if you have any sense, just ignore it altogether because, basically, it is bollocks.

Talking of laws of Newton (which I did earlier) and food (which I always do), here’s one of Stewart’s brilliant gags from

Time for some grambling, no?

There are 55 senior games on at 3 pm this Saturday the 1st of  February.  So what are the 5 chosen by The Grambler?  All from the English leagues this week and two of them from the Premiership or, as I like to call it, the first division.

Game – Result – Odds

Cardiff City vs Norwich – Prediction Home win – 6/5

First up we head to Welsh Wales isn’t it boyo, yachy da, dai bach [That is so stereotypical; cut it out – Ed], to the Cardiff City Stadium where the Bluebirds in their red strips (?) play host to the Canaries.  What can I say, Grambler?  In your wisdom, you have predicted that Cardiff will take all the points.  Neither of these teams can buy a win these days!  Norwich have won once in their last 7.  Cardiff haven’t won a league game since – whisper it – November the 3rd.  This one has got draw written all over it.  But hold on there fella, didn’t Cardiff beat Manchester City in the league.  Yes they did, but that was back in August and they have only won one game since.  In that case, surely Norwich ought to be the favourites, then.  Hmm.  Their away record is pretty abysmal.  Of 13 away games, 9 have been lost, with 30 goals shipped in the process.  Yeah, I reckon a draw.  But who am I to go against the great and powerful Grambler?

Everton vs Aston Villa – Prediction Home win – 4/9

For our second game we head up and to the right a bit to Merseyside where the Toffees play host to Villa at Goodison Park.  Managed by ex-Motherwell player (had to get that in) Roberto Martinez, Everton currently sit sixth in the league.  Aston Villa, managed by another ex-Motherwell player, Paul Lambert, sit in 10th spot.  The Grambler reckons Everton will take the points here and going on league positions that would seem to be a fair prediction.  Everton have only been beaten the once at home this season (by Sunderland of all teams) so that’s another reason to go with The Grambler.  Ah but, take a look at Villa’s away form.  In 11 away games they have been beaten only twice.  Hmm.  Perhaps another draw?  No, no.  I’ll stick with The Grambler.  Everton to win.

Swindon Town vs Oldham Athletic – Prediction Home win – 21/20

We head down to Wiltshire for our third game.  The Robins play host to the Latics at the County Ground.  The Grambler reckons that Swindon will take all the points here.  Given that Swindon sit 8 places higher in the table, that ought to be a fair prediction.  Swindon haven’t been beaten at home since the 23rd of November and that was by currently 2nd placed, but occasional leaders, Leyton Orient.  Oldham, on the other hand, haven’t won an away game since that same date.  However, Oldham did win against Swindon in their home game in October.  So might they sneak it?  Or will Swindon get their revenge?  I think I go with The Grambler on this.

Cheltenham Town vs Northampton Town – Prediction Home win – 10/11

For our fourth game we go a little bit north and over to the left a tad to Whadden Road, Cheltenham where some different Robins play host to the Cobblers, who were in the predictions last week, if you remember.  They lost at home to Chesterfield.  The Robins are 11 places higher than the Cobblers so The Grambler’s prediction that the points will go Cheltenham’s way looks to be spot on.  Just a cotton-picking minute there Muskie – when was the last time Cheltenham won a game?  Over a month ago.  When was the last time Northampton won a game?  Only three weeks ago; and it was an away win.  So, ah.  No, not ah; Northampton have only won 2 away games.  Ah.  Yes, but Cheltenham have won only 3 home games all season.   Hmm.  Difficult one to call, this.  Basically, both teams are a bit rubbish.  What about recent head to heads?  In the 7 most recent encounters (over 3 seasons and a bit), it is Cheltenham that have the better record, winning 4 and drawing 3.  Looks good, but the last meeting, as recent as October, ended in a draw.  I think I will sit on the fence here – a point each.

Plymouth Argyle vs Mansfield Town – Prediction Home win – 10/11

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther we head down and right a bit to Home Park, Plymouth where some old friends of The Grambler, the Pilgrims, play host to some other old friends of The Grambler, the Stags.  Nice to see you here again, lads.  And what has The Grambler predicted?  He/she/it reckons that home side the Pilgrims will take all the points here.  Looking at the table, where Plymouth sit 7 places higher than Mansfield, that would seem to be the right prediction.  However, that isn’t the full picture.  Despite the gap of 7 places, only 4 points separate the two.  Surely, both teams will be out to take this.  Might another stalemate be on the cards?  Plymouth have a reasonable home record – only 3 games lost in 14.  Mansfield’s away form is also pretty good – only 5 lost in 15.  No.  I can’t agree with you on this one Grambler.  I reckon another draw.

Before we leave this fixture, I see a ‘Cracking name of the week’ in Plymouth’s squad.  Yes I know he has probably been mentioned before, but, come on, let’s hear it for Dominic Blizzard.  That is one ace name.

So there you have it my grambling chums; The Grambler’s most boring selection yet.  Five home wins.  Can’t see it myself, but, if you fancy a flutter, don’t let me stop you.  There, do you feel better for that?  Now that you’ve stopped fluttering, let’s talk about betting.  Yes, the predictions are in and the bet has been made – remember it is one 20 pee bet on a five-game accumulator plus ten 20 pee bets on doubles – so how much will be heading to the Bobby Moore Fund (via )?  Well, if every prediction is spot on we will win a resounding…fanfare please –


Is that it?  Less than twelve quids?  Oh well.  That’s what happens when The Grambler plays it safe.

Before we finish with this week’s predictions, can I just direct you to a bit of light reading?  Not really; it’s pretty harrowing.  It is Stewart’s story which is now on-line at's-story .  Please read it and please tell everyone you know about the horrible disease that is bowel cancer.  And don’t forget to tell them all about The Grambler.

Let’s finish with another mention of good old Isaac Newton.  Who can remember this little poem about protective work-wear from one of those wonderful Public Information films from way back when?


 Sir Isaac Newton told us why

an apple falls down from the sky

And from this fact, it's very plain,

all other objects do the same

A brick, a bolt, a bar, a cup,

invariably fall down, not up

And every common working tool

is governed by the self-same rule

So when you handle tools up there,

let your watchword be "Take Care"

If at work, you drop a spanner,

it travels in a downward manner

At work, a fifth of accidents or more,

illustrate old Newton's law

But one thing he forgot to add,

the damage won't be half as bad

if you are wearing proper clothes,

especially on your head and toes

These hats and shoes are there to save

the wearer from an early grave

So best feet forward and take care

about the kind of shoes you wear

It's better to be sure, than dead,

so get a hat and keep your head

Don't think to go without is brave;

the effects of gravity can be grave.


Thank you and goodnight.

Monday 27 January 2014

Week 21 Results - How's the diet going?

Hello all my chums in Gramblerland.  Here are this week’s results…

But wait, I hear you say, what of the Gramblerplan diet?  Ah.  Yes.  That.  Are you sure you don’t just want the results?

Oh no, I hear you say, I want to know of the brilliant, can’t fail diet regime known as ‘Gramblerplan’.  Yes.  Umm.  The results are very interesting.  I think we should get on with them, without further ado.

Tush and taradiddle.  Ado be blowed, I hear you say.  Did I really hear you say that?  Do tell.  How goes the diet?  How much weight lost?  Mmm?

Okay.  I did say that the Gramblerplan diet couldn’t fail.  Eat less, exercise more it tells us.  Yes, well.  Those results really are very, very interesting, I’m sure no one is really interested in how my silly diet is going.  No.  No.  I promised I would keep you posted on how much weight I am losing.  So, deep breath, here goes.

I have lost weight since last Sunday’s weigh in.  Honest.  I really have…. Just not quite as much as I would have hoped.  I mean, I have tried to eat less.  And I have been really disorganised.

How much weight have I lost?  Those results are really quite intriguing, you know.  Are you sure you don’t want to just get on with them?


A pound.  One pound.  Well, one pound and two ounces to be precise.  I know I know.  Rubbish isn’t it?

Of course it didn’t help that on Friday evening I went to a Burns Supper.  Weirdest Burns Supper I’ve ever been to.  Not a mention of the bard at all.  Basically a large meal followed by a few bevvies.

Anyway, the point is, haggis is quite fattening.  But I love haggis.  Can’t resist it.  Yum.  Haggis and neeps.  Mmmm…oh, I’ve dribbled on my keyboard.

Hopefully, next week, I will lose a bit more.

So, onwards and upwards.  The results.  We won!  Nah.  Only kidding.  Win?  Us?  Ridiculous!  Two out of five came up, so we got a little back.

So what happened?  Read on…

Rotherham vs Crawley – Prediction Home win – Naw!

Rotherham 2 Crawley 2

The Grambler reckoned that Rotherham would win this one, but they were pretty outclassed here and only a last gasp goal in stoppage stoppage stoppage time earned them the draw.

On-loan striker Matt Tubbs slotted in from close range for the first goal of his second spell at Crawley, against the side he played for until 6 January.

Keiran Agard equalised from the penalty spot after Ben Pringle was felled by Joe Walsh.  Then Tubbs set up Josh Simpson to restore Crawley's lead.

But Agard fired home six minutes into five minutes of added time (?) to level.

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Scunthorpe – Prediction Away win – Naw!

Dagenham & Redbridge 3 Scunthorpe 3

Scunthorpe you stupid cu… idiots.  66 minutes gone.  Three nil up with goals from Sam Winnall (after what happened later on, perhaps he should be renamed Sam Winf***all), pensioner Deon Burton and Paul Hayes.  Cruising.  Absolutely cruising.  League leaders Scunthorpe should have won this outright, but the Daggers had other thoughts.  On 67 minutes Abu ‘Einstein’ Ogogo knocked in the Daggers first.  Ten minutes later Chris Dixon scored a second.  Then, on 84 minutes, the referee stopped play as the heavens opened.  The players emerged after ten minutes onto a pretty much unplayable pitch which was covered in puddles; one of which came to Daggers debutant Luke Norris assistance.  The ball spun to a halt in a puddle in front of goal and Norris simply rolled the ball into the net.  Scunthorpe manager Russ Wilcox said after the match, "I think we took our foot off the gas and thought that the game was over, and it never is.”  Actually, Russ, a game generally lasts about 90 minutes with a few added on as ‘stoppage’ time.  If a game were never over, you would still be out there playing.  Stoopit iriot.

Northampton vs Chesterfield – Prediction Away win – Yay!

Northampton 1 Chesterfield 3

The Grambler got one right [About bl**dy time – Ed].  Yay!  Chesterfield moved into the automatic promotion places with a win in dreadful conditions at Northampton.

Darren Carter had the Cobblers ahead from the penalty spot early on after keeper Tommy Lee fouled Hallam Hope.

But a quickly taken Spireites free-kick let Dan Gardner rifle home an equaliser from a tight angle on his full debut.

Gary Roberts then chipped the keeper to put the visitors ahead before Armand Gnanduillet's low strike compounded the hosts' misery.   For did they not say, “Our misery is compounded!”  All right, they didn’t say that.

Paul Cook's Chesterfield appeared to cope much better at a damp, wet Sixfields as they inflicted a third straight home defeat on the Cobblers, who are now six points adrift at the foot of the table.

Kilmarnock vs Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Prediction Away win – Naw!

Kilmarnock 2 Inverness 0

I have to say, I had my doubts about The Grambler’s prediction even when I did my write-up.  Didn’t I say so at the time?  “Away win?  Doubt it Grambler,” I said.  And that was before I realised that Cally captain Richie Foran would still be unable to play because of a shoulder injury sustained before Christmas.

Kris Boyd was on target again scoring his seventh in nine games (and 13th of the season) on 74 minutes to give Killie a win after Lee Ashcroft's 16th-minute goal separated the sides at the break.

Inverness threatened an equaliser in between, but it was another useless fruitless afternoon for John Hughes' visitors, who have won just once in seven games and now sit seven points off third-placed Motherwell.

Falkirk vs Dundee – Prediction Home win – Yay!

Falkirk 2 Dundee 0

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther The Grambler got another prediction right.  Whoop de f***ing doo! 

Falkirk replaced Dundee at the top of the Scottish Championship with victory over John Brown's side.

Conor McGrandles (That sounds like something Long John Silver might say.  Aharrr! Conor me grandles, Jim lad!) opened the scoring for the Bairns, firing home from the middle of the penalty area.

Dundee were reduced to 10 men when Kyle Letheren was sent off for fouling Roy Loy (Really?  No, Roy Loy.), but the striker's penalty was saved by substitute Dan Twardzik.

However, he made amends by steering the ball past Twardzik midway through the second period.

So there you have, my little grambling chums.  Only two correct out of five.  But, as I stated earlier, there is some money coming our way.  How much? 


Could you speak up please?


That is absolute shi…not very good.  Ho hum.  Maybe next week.  I might have said that before.

Any road up, tune in again soon, for Week 22 predictions and some more diet advice for those of you on the Gramblerplan diet.  I and a few others have pledged to put One pound (dosh) for every pound (weight) shed into the Bobby Moore Fund (via ).  Hopefully, by next weekend I will be able to report a better weight reduction.  I do have one little piece of dieting advice to give you before I go – Don’t eat three portions of haggis at one meal.

How about a gag to finish?  Food related of course.

Thank you and goodnight.