Thursday, 22 February 2018

Week 28 - The Grambler on Bobby Moore


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Let’s have a song to start...

 

Who remembers ‘The Silver Fox’, Charlie Rich? In the early 70s he was the acceptable face of country music. He had a couple of big hits; Behind Closed Doors was one that now gets used to accompany adverts urging women to report domestic abuse. His first hit is the one we shall begin with this week. Ladeez and genullum, here is The Most Beautiful Girl...

 

‘Hey,

Did you happen to see

The most beautiful girl in the world?

And if you did, was she crying, crying...’

 

‘Are you talking about your missus? I did see her, actually. She was putting a suitcase into the back of some bloke’s car... She was definitely not crying. Quite the reverse; she looked really happy. In fact, she was all over him like a rash.

That’s not what you wanted to hear, is it?’
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

I have learned a new word this week: upskirting. It was the topic of a Beeb Beeb Ceeb online news article. Has anyone ever heard of that one?

At first, I wondered if it was a joinery term. Perhaps, I thought, it is a word to describe the removal of a skirting board (or wainscotting, if you prefer). No, it isn’t that.

Or what about the famous scene from the Marilyn Monroe film The Seven Year Itch where she stands over a subway grating and her dress gets blown up? It may have been a dress rather than a skirt she was wearing, but a skirt would do much the same thing, wouldn’t it? No, it isn’t that, either.

Or perhaps it is referring to the practice adopted by many schoolgirls of hitching their skirts up on their way to school. Sorry pardon excuse me? Let me explain. [I think you better had. - Ed.] When I were a lad [Uh oh; Hovis time. - Ed.] mini skirts were high fashion... especially for the girls. However, many mothers of schoolgirls refused to allow their children to go to school wearing such provocative clothing. This is where skirt hitching comes into play. As soon as the girls were out of sight of their ‘old-fashioned’ parents, they would raise the hemline by tucking the folds of the skirts into their belts. Thus, they were able to dress in the same mini-skirted way as their peers [I believe there are a few Peers who like to dress that way. - Ed.] while providing a major distraction for us lads.

Anyway, back to the subject. None of these is what upskirting means. The news item states that women are campaigning against it. Oh dear. So it is something women aren’t happy about; and with good reason. Apparently, upskirting is, in the Beeb Beeb Ceeb’s words, ‘The practice of covertly photographing under the skirts of women’. What? Why would anyone do such a thing. Surely, only a person who is incredibly depraved would consider it and yet, the practice has become so widespread that women are having to campaign for it to be criminalised. [Who’s Shirley? - Ed.]

Seriously. An act which, to me, seems to be very much a criminal offence is not even treated as one in England and Wales. Why not, I ask. Surely, it should at least be considered to be an attack on someone’s privacy. [Why do you keep mentioning Shirley? - Ed.] I reckon it could be classed as assault, even. If nothing else, it ought to be outlawed because of the sheer deviancy of it. It is, let’s face it, a bit pervy.

In Scotland, that enlightened land where I reside, upskirting has been classed as an offence since 2010. It is simply an act of voyeurism and, as such, is illegal. Simple.

Eight years on, legal folk in England and Wales can’t seem to work that out.

I’ll tell you what, people of England and Wales, here’s how to get a law passed pretty damned quick. The next time you see a female police officer/lawyer/politician wearing a skirt, walk up to her with your mobile phone attached to a selfie stick and take that picture. I wonder what kind of reaction you will get when you point out that what you have done is not an offence.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 24th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Wilhelm Grimm 1786 (Orfer. With his brother, produced a book of fairy tales which included such gems as Snow White, Hansel and Gretel and Rapunzel. Did you know that in the original edition of the book, Rapunzel’s shenanigans with the the prince were rumbled when she asked the witch why her dress was becoming tight around her belly, thus revealing that she was preggers?), Lydia Becker 1827 (One of the founders of the women’s suffrage movement. Published the Women’s Suffrage Journal between 1870 and 1890.), Marjorie Main 1890 (Ma Kettle.), Ralph Erskine 1914 (Architect. Designed Tom Collins House in Newcastle’s Byker Wall Estate.), Richard Hamilton 1922 (Arteest. Father of Pop Art.), Brian Close 1931 (Crickety bloke.), Michel Legrand 1932 (Composer. Known as Big Mike. Not really. Time for a clip? He wrote hunners of toons so let’s pick one you might recognise. Here is the man himself singing What are You Doing the Rest of Your Life.), James Farentino 1938 (Ectaw. Simon Peter to Robert Powell’s Jesus of Nazareth.), Pete Duel 1940 (Ectaw. Alias Smith... or was it Jones?), Denis Law 1940 (Footy bloke.), Paul Jones 1942 (Singer/DJ. The original vocalist with Manfred Mann. Clip? Here’s Doo wah diddy doddy doo dah diddly aye day... or something.  You certainly got meaningful lyrics back then.), Nicky Hopkins 1944 (Keyboard player extraordinaire. Considered one of the greatest rock pianists of the 60s and 70s and was the go-to man for many bands including... ahem... Screaming Lord Sutch and the Savages, Cliff Bennett and the Rebel Rousers, Cyril Davies All Stars, Jerry Garcia Band, the Rolling Stones, the Kinks, the Jeff Beck Group, Sweet Thursday, the Beatles, Steve Miller Band, Jefferson Airplane, Quicksilver Messanger Service, the Who, Night... Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all. Another clip? Go on, then. Here’s The Dreamer.), Rupert Holmes 1947 (Musician. Who, I hear you ask. Remember Escape? No? Perhaps you remember it as The Pina Colada Song.), Walter Smith 1948 (Footy bloke. See Week 42 - New York New York, so good they grambled it twice.), Dennis Waterman 1948 (Popular actor, it says here.), George Thorogood 1950 (Musician. Another clip? Here he is with Bad to the Bone.), Derek Randall 1951 (Crickety bloke.), Roger Francois Jouret 1954 (Who? Better known as Plastic Bertrand. Who? Well, you might know his hit... Ca Plane Pour Moi.), Steve Jobs 1955 (Greengrocer.), Alain Prost 1955 (Racey car bloke.), Karen Johnson 1962 (Who? Oh, Michelle Shocked. Who? Here’s a nice toon, from Alaska.), Billy Zane 1966 (Ectaw. Provided the voice of John Rolfe in Pocahontas II - that’s the straight to DVD one.), Neil Sullivan 1970 (Footy bloke.), Floyd Mayweather Jr. 1977 (Boxy bloke.) and Lleyton Hewitt 1981 (Tennisy bloke.).

I’ve received a letter...

FTAO Mr Wilfred Gramble,

Thank you for the link to a Michel Legrand song. We have always been great fans. Our favourite track is that one that was a hit for Noel Harrison; it was featured in The Thomas Crown Affair, but we cannot remember the title of it. Can you help.

Yours with love,

Derwin Mills, Sophia Mined.
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? We won. Yay! Actually in profit, we were. A return of £4.85 from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

 

QPR vs Bolton - Prediction Home win

Result - QPR 2 Bolton Wanderers 0

Yay!

Bolton played most of the second half a man down as Mark Little was sent off for a mistimed tackle on midfielder Massimo Luongo.

QPR made the most of their numerical advantage shortly afterwards as Joel Lynch diverted Matt Smith's header into the net from Luke Freeman's free-kick.

And Smith made certain of the points late on with a well-timed header from Paul Smyth's cross in added time.

 

Doncaster vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 3 Fleetwood 0

Yay!

Tom Anderson scored twice after Alex Kiwomya had opened the scoring for Rovers.

Doncaster went ahead when Kiwomya marked his first start for the club with his first goal, poking in a John Marquis cross from close range.

Rovers were comfortable against a Fleetwood side bereft of confidence and doubled their advantage when Anderson pounced on a parry from goalkeeper Alex Cairns to slot home.

Fleetwood offered very little in attack with their best effort coming from substitute Jordy Hiwula, who drew a fine save from Marko Marosi from close range.

It always seemed likely Doncaster would extend their lead and Alfie Beestin struck the post early in the second half.

But Rovers did find a third when Anderson stooped to head in a fine cross from Tommy Rowe.

 

MK Dons vs Charlton - Prediction Away win

Result - MK Dons 1 Charlton 2

Yay!

The Addicks took a deserved lead when Conor McGrandles was dispossessed on the edge of his own penalty area, before Ahmed Kashi took one touch and fired a powerful right-footed drive past keeper Lee Nicholls.

Charlton doubled their lead on the hour when Josh Magennis nodded home from Jake Forster-Caskey's cross.

And, despite the home side pulling one back through Keiran Agard just two minutes later from Robbie Muirhead's corner, it proved only to be a consolation goal for MK.

 

Scunthorpe vs Northampton - Prediction Home win

Result - Scunthorpe 2 Northampton 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Cobblers took the lead against the run of play when Chris Long converted at the back post after Matt Crooks had flicked on a free-kick in the box.

Although the Iron rallied, they struggled for quality in the final third, until Funso Ojo found the bottom corner from 20 yards after a driving run through midfield just after the half-hour.

Having got men behind the ball to frustrate the home side, the Cobblers hit Scunthorpe with a sucker punch when John-Joe O'Toole powered home a header from a corner.

But the Iron also underlined their threat from set-pieces with defender Murray Wallace rising highest above a scrum of players to head home his side's second equaliser after a free-kick had spun high into the air.

Buoyed by the goal, the Iron piled forward in search of a winner, but Northampton goalkeeper Richard O'Donnell preserved his side their point by brilliantly pushing away Josh Morris' late free-kick.

 

Carlisle vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Carlisle 2 Chesterfield 0

Yay!

There was an early scare for the home side when Josh Kay played in Bradley Barry, whose low cross-shot spun up off the boot of central defender Clint Hill and struck the bar.

Carlisle went in front after 19 minutes when Hallam Hope's initial effort was blocked and Ashley Nadesan laid the ball back for Kelvin Etuhu to slam a 20-yard shot into the bottom corner - giving goalkeeper Aaron Ramsdale no chance.

It was Etuhu's final contribution as a couple of minutes later he was led off with a hamstring injury.

Cole Stockton missed an excellent chance to double Carlisle's lead after 56 minutes after Nadesan nicked the ball off Alex Whitmore to play it across the six-yard box. Stockton got himself in a tangle and scuffed his effort wide.

The struggling Spireites were denied an equaliser in the 72nd minute when a defensive header was hammered straight back past Jack Bonham by Louis Reed, only for the referee's assistant to raise his flag. After a brief consultation, the officials disallowed the strike.

Carlisle made it safe eight minutes from time when Tom Parkes headed on a Jamie Devitt corner and substitute John O'Sullivan was on hand to drive the ball home from eight yards.

 

So close to a full house from The Grambler; only the one draw denying us a five out of five. Can he/she/it improve things just that little bit this week? [Don’t talk wet. - Ed.]

What has The Grambler selected from Saturday’s 3pm games this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Burton Albion vs Millwall - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Norwich vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Preston vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 7/10

QPR vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Reading vs Derby County - Prediction Away win - 5/4

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.86

 

A little bit whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club holds the record for the most highest number of goals ever scored in the old Division One with 128 goals. The answer is Aston Villa who were one place behind champions Arsenal in season 1930-31. Arsenal themselves were just a goal away from being in the record books on 127 goals.

One for this week? As we have had some Champions League games this week, let’s have a related question. Here’s a good un. Who was the last Swedish player to win a Champions League medal? Hmm.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, a different ending to this week’s edition. I would like to inform the readership of this august blog that today marks a very sad anniversary and one that is pertinent to all of us. It is exactly 25 years since the death of Bobby Moore, the man who we remember from the charity that bears his name. He died on the 24th of February 1993.

Here are the words of that charity...

Bobby Moore was just 51 years old when he died. The Bobby Moore Fund for Cancer Research UK was set up by Stephanie Moore MBE, Bobby’s widow, in his memory to fund pioneering, life-saving bowel cancer research.

Since the fund was set up in 1993 mortality rates have fallen by more than 30% and over £23.5 million has been raised for research, but we still have so much more to do.

Our purpose is simple – to bring forward the day when bowel cancer is cured.

Hear hear!

 
 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 17 February 2018

Week 27 - Happy Grambleday to Dame Edna Everage


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

How about a song to begin?

 

Who remembers Jimmy Ruffin? Over 50 years ago he had his one and only hit; a song that is now recognised as a Motown classic...

 

‘As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion...
What becomes of the broken-hearted?’

 

‘Erm... Triple bypass?’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

My local petrol station is currently running a promotion to encourage motorists to use their expensive super duper fuel. It costs 10 pees per litre more than the standard petrol but the claim is that your car will achieve more miles per tank full.

The carrot they dangle before you is a voucher that gives you 500 extra Nectar points whenever you use this posh fuel. Enough to buy a jar of honey.*
For those of you who have never heard of Nectar points, it is basically giving you back half a penny for every pound you spend. One point = half a pee. Woo! So, that voucher is worth
£2.50. Now, on a 50 litre tank full costing over 60 quid, that doesn't seem such a great incentive. However, I have devised a way to make it really worthwhile... if you have got the nerve to do it... and a lot of time to spare.

Apparently, you only need to put in the minimum amount stipulated on the pump to get your voucher. You only get the voucher if you buy the standard petrol. So here is the way to make an easy tenner...

Drive to petrol station with the fuel tank as empty as possible. Put five litres of standard petrol (That's the minimum allowed) into the tank and go to the pay desk to pay for the fuel. As you are paying, a voucher is spewed out of the till. Then go back to the car and put in five litres of super duper fuel. Pay for the fuel and redeem the voucher. Then go back to the car and put in another five litres of standard fuel. Pay. Receive voucher. Back to car. Posh fuel, five litres. Pay. Redeem voucher...

Do you get the picture? Do this five times and you have received a cool 2500 nectar points worth £12.50. Yay!

Hang on, I hear you say, you said a tenner. Absolutely right. It costs an extra £2.50 for the posh petrol... 10 pees per litre more, remember.

Of course, such a scheme is not without flaws. However do you mean, I hear you ask. Well, if the petrol station is busy, there will probably be somebody behind you waiting to use the pump. They wouldn’t take too kindly to somebody taking about an hour to fill their fuel tank.

Did I have the brass neck to actually get my tenner’s worth of Nectar points? Would you chance the possibility that an irate driver might threaten to stick your head in the litter bin? Or offer to stick the fuel nozzle somewhere other than the car’s fuel filler? No? Nor me.

* Acknowledgment to Lee Mack for the honey gag.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 17th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Tommy Edwards 1922 (Who? He’s a singer. You may not know the name, but you might know this song.  All together now... Many a tear has to fall.), Ron Goodwin 1925 (Composer. Here’s something you should recognise Bally Jerry pranged his kite... etc.), Patricia Routledge 1929 (Ectress. Hyacinth Bucket.), Ruth Rendell 1930 (Orfer.), Alan Bates 1934 (Ectaw. ‘He’s not Jesus. He’s just a fella.’), Barry Humphries 1934 (Aka Dame Edna Everage.), Jim Brown 1936 (Murcan footy bloke and ectaw. Butch Meathook in Small Soldiers.), Gene Pitney 1940 (Singer/songwriter. Time for another clip? Here he is with his only number one ever number one which was shared with Marc Almond.  All together now...Something's gotten hold of my heart.), Julia McKenzie 1941 (Ectress. Hester Fields.), Brenda Fricker 1945 (Ectress. The first Irish actress to win a Noscar... for her left foot, apparently.), Rickey Medlocke 1950 (Musician. First came to prominence as drummer and backing vocalist with Lynyrd Skynyrd. Later became frontman with Blackfoot. Later still, he rejoined Skynyrd; this time as guitarist. Here he is on drums and backing vocals on Wun Mo Tahhm.), Angela Eagle 1961 (Politician. Not a real eagle.), Maria Eagle 1961 (Ditto. Did I tell you they were twins?), Lou Diamond Phillips 1962 (Ectaw. Played Richie Valens in La Bamba. Want a clip? Tough. He’s only an actor.), Michael Jordan 1963 (Basebally bloke.), Taylor Hawkins 1972 (A fighter of foo. A clip? Why not? Here’s Lemmy driving a white limo.), Rory Kinnear 1978 (Ectaw. Son of Roy. Friend of Count Arthur.), Paris Hilton 1981 (Clothes horse.), Ed Sheeran 1991 (Musician. Another clip, vicar? Here he is thinking out loud.) and Marc Marquez 1993 (Motorbike racey bloke.).
 
 
Da da da da... Da Da Daaaaa!!!


 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grappler,

Thank you so much for your clip of a Gene Pitney song. We are great fans and were trying to remember his hit song that was later recorded by the Partridge Family. Can you recall it?

Yours with fondness,

Lou King, Trudi Eislehoff.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Absolute rubbish. Not a penny back. What happened? Read on...

 

Bolton vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Bolton 1 Fulham 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The visitors had been leading for almost an hour after Matt ‘On’ Targett opened the scoring with his first ever league goal after just four minutes.

They could have doubled their advantage soon after when Rui Fonte was denied when one-on-one with Wanderers keeper Ben Alnwick.

Aboubakar Kamara had a chance to make it 2-0 after the break but he failed to turn in Stefan Johansen's cross from five yards, but the hosts were level soon afterwards as Adam Le Fondre volleyed past Marcus Bettinelli from the edge of the box.

 

Bristol City vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win

Result - Bristol 3 Sunderland 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Sunderland came from 3-0 down to rescue a point at promotion hopefuls Bristol City.

The Robins, who have won just once in 2018, were three goals ahead inside 37 minutes as the Black Cats capitulated.

Aden Flint poked City in front before two close-range finishes from Famara Diedhiou prompted some away fans to leave Ashton Gate early.

But, after Josh Brownhill's own goal and Aiden McGeady's strike, Marlon Pack diverted into his own net for 3-3.

It capped an amazing final 20 minutes for Sunderland, whose supporters had greeted the half-time whistle with boos and chants of "you're not fit to wear the shirt" towards their own players.

 

Derby vs Norwich - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 1 Norwich 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

A Matej Vydra goal put the Rams ahead, the striker taking Ikechi Anya's pass and finding the far corner with a low shot.

The impressive Scott Carson kept Derby ahead at the break with a couple of fine stops, most notably to save Nelson Oliveira's spot-kick.

But the keeper could not repeat the feat to deny James Maddison from the spot.

 

Ipswich vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Ipswich 0 Burton 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The hosts failed to register a shot in a turgid first half, with neither keeper needing to make a save.

Former Ipswich striker Darren Bent could have broken the deadlock for the Brewers but saw his shot blocked by the legs of goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski.

Bialkowski was forced into another top save late on when he tipped Kyle McFadzean's near-post header over.

 

Middlesbrough vs Reading - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Reading 1

A half-hearted yay.

Adama Traore put the hosts ahead when he cut inside from the right and fired past Vito Mannone with his left foot.

Traore's powerful strike doubled the lead, but Chris Martin's shot pulled a goal back for Reading after the break.

Middlesbrough could have won by more, but Britt Assombalonga lifted a late penalty high and wide after Traore had been tripped by Dave Edwards.

 

Four ‘hit the bars’. How rubbish is that? Come on Grambler, you must try harder. What five games has he/she/it randomly predicted for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

QPR vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Doncaster vs Fleetwood - Prediction Home win - 21/20

MK Dons vs Charlton - Prediction Away win - 5/4

Scunthorpe vs Northampton - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Carlisle vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win - 4/5

 

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.56

 

Uh oh. Too whopping for my liking.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which club holds the record for the most Premier League goals scored in a season by a relegated club. The answer is Blackpool. When they were relegated in 2011, they scored 55 goals. Unfortunately, they also conceded 78 goals; more than any other Premiershit side that season.

What about a teaser for this week? Let’s stick with the English top flight. Many years earlier, when the First Division actually meant the first division, Blackpool were the worst performers when they conceded 125 goals. Why am I telling you this? The same year, a team recorded the highest number of goals ever scored in that division with 128 goals. And they didn’t even win the title! Can you name that team... without resorting to Googly?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Mr B. Humphries or should that be Dame E. Everage? It could even be Sir L. Patterson. To my mind, Barry Humphries is one of the greatest comedians ever. when he dresses as Edna Everage, it isn’t a drag act, he just is Dame Edna. There are probably people who watch ‘her’ and don’t realise it is a man they are watching.

He has a second character in Australia’s cultural attache, Sir Les Patterson. Where Dame Edna is refined, Sir Les is an oafish boor but, once again, Humphries just becomes the character. Oddly, the Ozzies are not too keen on this characterisation.  I wonder why. 

Let’s finish with a few quotes... you may be able to spot the ones attributable to Dame Edna.

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human.

I was born in Melbourne with a precious gift. Dame Nature stooped over my cot and gave me this gift. It was the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.

There is no more terrible fate for a comedian than to be taken seriously.

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I'm trying to think of a word to describe your outfit ...affordable.

The best jokes are often only understood by one other person.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more.

This double chin was grafted on to me, in Brazil. It belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. It was her left love handle.

Andrew Lloyd Webber doesn't need necessarily to be on camera does he? I think the old phantom could have lent him a mask or two... No I'm teasing, and he'd know if he's watching, which I hope he isn't.

I'm not racist. I love all races, particularly white people. You know, I even like Roman Catholics.

I'm better than Judi Dench, much much better and I'm afraid taller!

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security Twilight home in Australia.

My show is like an intimate conversation between two friends, one of whom is a lot more interesting than the other.

Frankly, lesbianism leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Michael Bolton has had nine hits this year… on his website.

When asked what she had bought Prince William and Kate Middleton as a wedding present: ‘A George Foreman grill… There’s going to be some exertion on that honeymoon. They might need a snack in the middle of the night.’

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 10 February 2018

Week 26 - An eerie moment for The Grambler


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

STOP PRESS

The big news story of the week is that Lord Lucan has been found. He has been hiding in the jungle in borneo since his disappearance in 1974. On being found, his first question was, ‘Have they caught Pat Phelan yet?’
 
A wee gag for fans of Coronation Street, there.  What do you mean, it wasn't funny?

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Before I begin this week’s (g)ramble, I should point out that it is a little poignant [Poignant? Isn’t he that Agatha Christie detective? - Ed.] and even a bit odd.

I would like to start by reminding you of the reason for this great and noble blog.

If you click on https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/geraldine-smith3 you will see the amount of money that we, Stewart’s family and friends, have raised for the Bobby Moore Fund. Almost 40 grand! Why do I point this out to you? Am I gloating as if to say, aren’t we wonderful? Definitely not. Although it is terrific that such a huge amount has been raised for bowel cancer research over the past four and a half years. Am I trying to get you to give to the fund? Not at all. Although, if you want to donate, don’t let me stop you.

No, the reason I am telling you about our Justgiving page is that, if you look down the list of donations, you might notice the occasional comment ‘Did a nostalgia presentation...’ Such presentations are my way of raising money for the fund. You don’t need to know the content of these daft slide shows other than the short piece I add at the end to explain to the watching audience why I spend my time doing these slightly silly presentations. It is a short slide show, set to music, showing famous people who have succumbed to cancer. The final face on the screen is that of Stewart and at that point I tell them his story and explain about our fundraising activities. Usually those in the audience are happy to donate a few coppers to the fund.

I did such a presentation on Tuesday. Whenever I do these talks, naturally I think about Stewart a lot. Every presentation is really done in his memory so I am thinking about him before, during and after it.

On Tuesday evening I went to Fir Park to watch the mighty ’Well beat Saint Johnstone. Yay! Stewart loved going to see Motherwell and it is now the time when I miss him most. I miss his comments during the game. I miss the discussions we had as we analysed the game on the way home. So, even though he isn’t there, I always wonder what he would be saying about the current Motherwell team. Would he be happy with the squad? Who would he single out as a star player? Would he still be grumbling about the shouty fan that sat (still sits) behind us?

I returned home after a long day; a day in which Stewart seemed to feature heavily, if only because I had been thinking about him so much.

It was then that something incredibly eerie happened. Regular readers of this august blog may remember an edition from way way back called Grambling with friends. It was about an on-line Scrabble-like game called Words with Friends. I still play this game. When I sat down late on Tuesday evening, I decided to play my ‘word’ in a game that I was currently playing. It was while playing my word that the eerie moment occurred. I played a word with five or six letters and my ‘letter rack’ filled up with new letters. What were they? S-T-E-A-W-R-T. I could not believe it. I spotted it immediately... SWATTER! 73 points. Just like that.

Of course, I am being facetious. Wasn’t that weird, though? If I were a superstitious type, I might call it a ‘sign’. But I’m not. So I won’t. There is no getting away from it, however. It was a creepy moment. There was definitely an odd sensation ran down my spine when I saw those letters appear on my rack. Spooky.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 10th of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Samuel Plimsoll 1824 (Famous for the line bearing his name, not the running shoes.), Boris Pasternak 1890 (Poet and novelist.), Alan Hale 1892 (Ectaw. Casey Jones’ dad.), Jimmy Durante 1893 (Comedian, it says here.), Harold Macmillan 1894 (Supermac. You’ve never had it so good.), Bertolt Brecht 1898 (Dramatiker.), Lon Chaney Jr. 1906 (Ectaw. Chingachgook), Larry Adler 1914 (Famous for blowing his harmonica which is a good trick if you can do it.), Alex Comfort 1920 (Author. Famous for his Joy of Sex manual.), Danny Blanchflower 1926 (Oirish footy bloke.), Leontyne Price 1927 (Rerr chanter. A clip? Here’s the gospel hymn This Little Light of Mine.), Jerry Goldsmith 1929 (Composer famous for his film and TV scores. Another clip? Here’s the opening and closing credits from Dr. Kildare. Ahhh... little Jimmy survives.), Robert Wagner 1930 (Actor. Currently being questioned about the death of his wife, Natalie Wood, in 1981. Cue sick joke from the time... What kind of wood doesn’t float? No... I can’t do it.), Barrie Ingham 1931 (Ectaw. Hine.), Roberta Flack 1939 (Musician/singer. Here is her most famous toon, Killing Me Softly With His Song.  The song was written for Lori Leiberman by Norman Gimbal - with music by Charles Fox - after she told him about seeing a young singer perform. Who was this singer with the murderous voice? [I don’t think that is what is meant by the lyrics. - Ed.] None other than the man behind last week’s finishing clip, Don McLean... No, not the Brummie comedian.), Mary Rand 1940 (Runny bloke), Michael Apted 1941 (Director. Responsible for some TV classics. Who can forget P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang?), Nicholas Owen 1947 (TV presenter.), Nigel Olsson 1949 (Drummer/singer. Drummer with Elton John’s band. Here he is being backed by the Elton John band in 1974 with Only One Woman.), Mark Spitz 1950 (Swimmy bloke), Greg Norman 1955 (Golfy bloke.), Cliff Burton 1962 (Original bassist with Metallica. Would you like a bit of thrash? Here’s For Whom The Bell Tolls.), Laura Dern 1967 (Ectress.), Keeley Hawes 1976 (Ectress.), Andy Johnson 1981 (Footy bloke.) and Holly Willoughby 1981 (TV presenter.).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Crumbling,

We are writing in response to last week’s letter from Hugh Ree and Leigh Gottme. They asked you what the Kinks’ first number one record was; we would like to know what their follow-up to that song was. Can you help?

Yours with fondness,

Al Day and Oliver Knight.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? We won and lost. It was the usual story; we got a return on our bet, but still lost money. How much did we lose? The less than magnificent sum of one pee. That’s right, our £2.20 bet won us £2.19. What happened? Read on...

 

Derby vs Brentford - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby 3 Brentford 0

Yay!

The Bees lost Sergi Canos to a straight red card after just 21 minutes for a dangerous tackle from behind on Marcus Olsson [Any relation to Nigel? - Ed.], before two goals in three minutes put Derby in complete control.

Tom Huddlestone scored from close range before Cameron Jerome fired in off the bar.

Matej Vydra converted a stoppage-time penalty after Sam Winnall was brought down.

 

Fulham vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win

Result - Fulham 2 Nottingham Forest 0

Yay!

The hosts started the stronger of the two sides, but Forest had the best first-half chance when Matty Cash's effort was saved by Marcus Bettinelli.

Joe Worrall headed against the post for the Reds after the break, while Ryan Sessegnon went close at the other end.

Fulham took the lead when Lucas Piazon fired in from 12 yards, before Stefan Johansen slotted in a second late on.

 

Charlton vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win

Result - Charlton 2 Oxford Utd. 3

Boo!

The home side took a 63rd-minute lead when the determined Tariqe Fosu pressured the visiting defence into a failed clearance.

Possession fell to Josh Magennis and as he lined up a shot he was brought down, but Ahmed Kashi controlled the loose ball, and in space from just inside the area calmly finished into the bottom left corner, beyond the diving Simon Eastwood.

Oxford's first goal, from James Henry, came 13 minutes later. When fellow substitute Malachi Napa played the ball across the area towards him, Henry chose to shoot when he could have passed and struck into the bottom left corner.

Jay Dasilva created Charlton's instant response, winning possession before crossing from the left wing towards Magennis who, from close range, required only a routine finish to restore the lead.

Charlton still appeared vulnerable at the back though, and in the 89th minute conceded to debutant Todd Kane, who powerfully struck from Ricardinho's cross to make it 2-2.

The winning goal, in the fourth minute of stoppage time, was Oxford's finest. Napa slid Isaac Buckley-Ricketts into a dangerous area, and after his pull-back to the impressive Ryan Ledson, the midfielder sidefooted in to secure all three points.

 

Peterborough vs Southend - Prediction Home win

Result - Peterborough 0 Southend 1

Boo!

Jason Demetriou fired in after just seven minutes after Peterborough goalkeeper Jonathan Bond caught the leg of Stephen McLaughlin inside the area.

Posh had a few good chances and would have levelled if Jack Marriott had taken either a decent headed chance or two one-on-one opportunities either side of half-time, with visiting goalkeeper Mark Oxley denying the striker on all three occasions.

Southend central defender John White was carried off on a stretcher after injuring himself while attempting a tackle on Marriott, and - soon afterwards - Simon Cox and McLaughlin both narrowly fired wide for the visitors, who held on for a win.

 

Accrington vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win

Result - Accrington 3 Stevenage 2

Yay!

Stevenage took the lead when Matt Godden tucked the ball into the bottom corner of the net after latching on to a pass from Mark McKee.

The visitors made it 2-0 when Accrington failed to clear their lines and McKee fired home from the edge of the area on 38 minutes.

Winger Sean McConville started the fightback in first-half stoppage time from a 20-yard free-kick.

After the break, Stevenage were still a threat and Jack King hit the top of the crossbar.

But Stanley levelled with 20 minutes left with a short corner to Kee, and he turned and squeezed the ball home for his 18th goal of the season.

Stevenage hit the frame of the goal for a second time as substitute Danny Newton went close before the visitors failed to clear their lines and McConville lashed home the winner from 15 yards with 12 minutes left.

 

Three right, two totally wrong. Can The Grambler improve on that this week? [Nope. - Ed.]. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected.

Game - Result - Odds

Bolton vs Fulham - Prediction Away win - Evens

Bristol City vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Derby vs Norwich - Prediction Home win - 21/20

Ipswich vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Middlesbrough vs Reading - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.63

 

I’ve seen more whopping totals in my time.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who, in the 2015 Champions League, scored for Barcelona in both legs of the quarter-finals, in both legs of the semi-final and in the final. The answer was Neymar against Paris Saint Germain (ironically) in the quarters, Bayern Munich in the semis and Juventus in the final.

One for this week? Here’s a Premiershit question. Which club holds the record for the most Premier League goals scored in a season by a relegated club? Hmm.

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr M. Apted, one of this week’s birthday celebrants who directed a rather wonderful TV play back in 1970 that I thought you might enjoy. It was penned by one of Britain’s greatest comedy writers of the era, Jack Rosenthal. Director and writer often worked together on series such as The Lovers, which made stars of Paula Wilcox and Richard Beckinsale, as well as single plays including There’s a Hole in Your Dustbin, Delilah (which spawned the sitcom The Dustbinmen) and the aforementioned P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang. If you have got 50 minutes to spare, settle down with a nice cuppa and enjoy Another Sunday and Sweet F.A.
 
Another Corrie moment - That's Anne Kirkbride
(Deirdre) on the right aged 17
 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday, 2 February 2018

Week 25 - The Grambler on the day the music died


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

How about a song?

 

Reg Dwight aka Sir Elton of John has given us some cracking songs over the years. Here’s his very first hit, Your Song...

 

‘It’s a little bit funny...’

 

‘Yes, well just drop your trousers, Mr John and we’ll have a look. Yes, you’re right, it is rather unusual... Are those teeth marks?’

 

 

 

Fancy him having teeth marks on his knee...

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

That was quite an apt start, because this week’s (g)ramble concerns Britain’s health service.

What has the Beeb Beeb Ceeb got against the National Health Service? I ask because, for about a fortnight, every news broadcast began with another story about the (alleged) appalling state of the NHS.

First up was the fact that waiting times in Accident and Emergency Units were not being met. Another night, we were told that nurses were leaving the NHS in their droves because it was such a dreadful place to work. Then we had an item about people having to be left waiting in ambulances and on hospital trolleys because beds weren’t available. And so it went on night after night.

My question is - why? Why was it considered newsworthy to take a pop at the health system? Not just one pop, but several. Every aspect of the NHS seemed to be getting flak from the Beeb. To me, none of it was even news. The NHS is the largest employer in Britain; a huge organisation. It deals with masses of people on a daily basis. I don’t recall anything being said about the thousands of people who are perfectly satisfied with the way it works, so why should the business be subjected to all this negative reporting?

The Beeb Beeb Ceeb is often accused of left-wing bias; I believe that this constant knocking of the NHS is quite the opposite. It is very much biased towards right-wing conservatism. It has long been suggested by the Tories that the NHS needs a major overhaul. For major overhaul, read complete shutdown. They would like to see the US healthcare system being put in place. Basically, you get healthcare if you can afford to pay it yourself. The Beeb is surely providing ammunition for those that want to put an end to the NHS.

Actually, I wonder if, because the BBC had gone to all the trouble of setting up camera and sound crews in a hospital, they just made sure they got plenty of footage for a fortnight’s worth of news broadcasts... Or am I just being cynical? [You? As if! - Ed.]

There was even a slightly positive news item on a particular hospital. I say slightly, it was still pointing out how overworked nursing staff were in the hospital. This particular bulletin featured a hospital where clerical staff were helping nursing staff by doing some of their more menial duties. Isn’t that nice? But what does it tell us? Basically, the NHS has too many non-nursing staff members whose time could be utilised better than it is. Huzzah for common sense, says I.

Whenever I have to visit my local hospital, I have to go to two or three different reception areas before I get to the department I require. At each station, there are several receptionists; there never seem to be any queues. Some would suggest this proves the efficiency of the staff; to me it simply means overmanning. More often than not, the receptionist is sitting idle waiting for the next customer/patient.

So, well done to whoever realised that those staff could be better used elsewhere, when necessary.

Moving on, and changing the subject not quite entirely, Mrs G was watching a programme on TV recently [Really? How interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] about people who felt that they were were the wrong gender and wanted sex-change operations. I, being incredibly squeamish, decided not to watch the programme as it was showing a lot of actual surgery taking place. I could still hear some of the dialogue, though...

‘...Linda is pleased with her breast implants... The next stage of her transformation from being a man to being a woman is gender re-alignment [I think I understand what that means... The unkindest cut of all. - Ed.] and that will be done through the NHS.’

WHAT??? The NHS is supposed to be treating people who are ill! This person is definitely not ill... well, not physically, anyway. The NHS should not be allowing such operations to be taking place under its banner. If they are being carried out, the individuals undergoing this unnecessary surgery should be made to pay! The full fn cost and all!

And don’t even get me started on gastric bands.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 3rd of February? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Felix Mendelssohn 1809 (Composer. First clip coming up... It just has to be the Hebrides Overture.), Gertrude Stein 1874 (Novelist, poet and playwright. She wrote Q.E.D. which was about a lesbian love affair involving several of her friends. Brave stuff for 1903.), Norman Rockwell 1894 (Painter and illustrator. Famous for his pictures of everyday American life in the 20th century.), Douglas Douglas-Hamilton 1903 (Aviation pioneer. With D.F.McIntyre was the first to fly over Everest.), George Adamson 1906 (Baba ya Simba.), James A. Michener 1907 (Orfer. Wrote Tales of the South Pacific, which was used as the basis for Rodgers and Hammerstein’s South Pacific.), Joey Bishop 1918 (The Rat Pack member everyone forgets.), Henry Heimlich 1920 (Inventor of the manoeuvre which bears his name.), Shelley Berman 1925 (Comedian, it says here.), John Fiedler 1925 (Actor. Who? You might know him better as the voice of Winnie the Pooh in the early Disney films featuring the bear.), Kenneth Anger 1927 (Underground experimental filmmaker. Also an author; he wrote the scathing account Hollywood Babylon.), Victor Buono 1938 (Actor. Played Batman villain King Tut.), Michael Cimino 1939 (Film director. Famously made the moneypit known as Heaven’s Gate.), Blythe Danner 1943 (Actress. Izzy Huffstodt.), Eric Haydock 1943 (A Holly. Time for another clip methinks. Here’s Bus Stop.), Shawn Phillips 1943 (Musician. Another clip? Here’s a song called We.), Johnny Cymbal 1945 (Singer-songwriter and producer. Here’s a toon you might recognise... Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba etc.), Dave Davies (A Kink. Another clip? Here’s Dave with his solo hit Death of a Clown.), Morgan Fairchild 1950 (Actress. Jordan Roberts.), Nathan Lane 1956 (Actor. Max Bialystock.), Joachim Low 1960 (Coach for German footy team and Mark Steel impressionist.), Tim Flowers 1967 (Footy bloke.), Mixu Paatelainen 1967 (suomalainen jalkapalloilija.), Warwick Davis 1970 (Ectaw. Ewok Wicket.) and Jayne Middlemiss 1970 (Telly presen’er, laik.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Gruntfuttock,

Thanks for playing a track from Dave Davies of the Kinks. We have been great fans since their first number one record back in 1964. It’s hard to believe that Davies was only 16 years of age when he first gave us that terrific guitar riff on that first song. Here’s a teaser for you, what was that first hit called?

Yours quizzically,

Hugh Ree, Leigh Gottme.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet go? Well, since last week’s edition was printed incredibly late, the answer was given for you: £2.11 return from our £2.20 bet. A loss of nine pees. What happened? Read on...

 

 

 

Barnsley vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Barnsley 1 Fulham 3

Yay!

The Tykes led when Liam Lindsay turned in from a corner, but Fulham dominated after Dimitri Cavare's second booking for a push on Stefan Johansen.

Ryan Sessegnon fired in the rebound after Ryan Fredericks' shot came back off the post early in the second half.

Kevin McDonald stabbed in from close range to put Fulham ahead, before Sessegnon's second goal sealed the win.

 

Brentford vs Norwich - Prediction Home win

Result - Brentford 0 Norwich 1

Boo!

James Maddison's superb long-range strike was enough for Norwich to end Brentford's 13-game unbeaten home run.

Brentford had not lost at Griffin Park in the Championship since the opening day of the season, but Maddison's 30-yard effort put Norwich ahead early on.

Nelson Oliveira and Grant Hanley went close to making it 2-0 while Florian Jozefzoon (Definitely the winner of ‘Cracking name of the week’.), Yoann Barbet and Alan Judge all had efforts for the hosts.

 

Bristol City vs QPR - Prediction Home win

Result - Bristol City 2 QPR 0

Yay!

Bristol City scored twice with 10 men as they beat Queens Park Rangers.

City had Nathan Baker sent off for a late tackle on Josh Scowen after half an hour.

Famara Diedhiou put the 10-man Robins ahead just before half-time, glancing home Ryan Kent's corner.

Diedhiou set up the second as his saved shot was turned in by Joe Bryan.

 

Ipswich vs Wolves - Prediction Away win

Result - Ipswich 0 Wolves 1

Yay!

Full-back Matt Doherty headed in Barry Douglas' left-wing cross to give Wolves a deserved half-time lead.

Diogo Jota, Ruben Neves and left-back Douglas also went close for the visitors in the first period.

Jota had two more efforts saved by Ipswich goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski, while Martyn Waghorn shot into the side-netting for the hosts.

 

Portsmouth vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 0 Shrewsbury 1

Boo!

The visitors showed their intent in the opening moments when Abu ‘Einstein’ Ogogo headed just wide in the third minute.

And Shrewsbury took the lead in the 21st minute when Shaun Whalley's corner made its way through the Portsmouth area before being poked in at the back post by James Bolton.

Oliver Hawkins then had Pompey's best chance after he was picked out in the box by Gareth Evans, but he could not guide his header past Craig MacGillivray.

And the home side were left furious seconds later as referee David Coote waved their appeal for a penalty away when Whalley appeared to handle the ball in his own area.

Pompey went close throughout the second-half, with Brett Pitman firing the final chance wide in stoppage time after Adam May was dismissed for a second yellow.

 

Ho hum. Only three out of five correct and the other two not even close. Can The Grambler improve this week? [Nope. - Ed.] Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly chosen.

Game - Result - Odds

Derby vs Brentford - Prediction Home win - 5/4

Fulham vs Nottingham Forest - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Charlton vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Peterborough vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Accrington vs Stevenage - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£13.09

 

Too whopping for my liking.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the only player, other than the sainted Lionel of Messi, to have scored five goals in a Champions League match. The answer was Luiz Adriano who was in the Shakhtar Donetsk side which beat BATE Borisov by seven goals to nil in 2014.

One for this week? Let’s stay with the Champions League. In the 2015 Champions League, who scored for Barcelona in both legs of the quarter-finals, both legs of the semi-final and the final? Easy peasy?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr D. McLean who provides us with a rather poignant end to this week’s proceedings. You see, the 3rd of February 1959 is the date that old Don McLean referred to as ‘the day the music died’. That was when Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Richie Valens perished in an air crash. I thought it apt, then, to finish this week with American Pie..

It is a song whose lyrics have bamboozled listeners for years. There have been web forums discussing their meaning since the invention of web forums. So what does the song American Pie mean? Perhaps the best person to ask is the writer, himself. Here’s Don...

‘When people ask me what American Pie means, I tell them it means I don’t ever have to work again if I don’t want to.’

I do like it when someone I thought was humourless proves to be the exact opposite. Here’s the song.
 

 
Don McLean
[You barmy pillock! That's the Brummie comic that
used to be on Crackerjack! - Ed.]
Oh yes...CRACKERJACK!
 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.