Saturday 23 July 2022

Post 454 - You should be grambling, yeah

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

Have any of you out there in gramblerland got children or grandchildren that go to a dancing class? Second question: does that dance class have an annual display? Third question: did any of you go along to watch it? Fourth question: did you manage to stay awake?

My granddaughter was in just such a show recently. Mrs G and I attended the second night of two.

Maybe the show I went to wasn't indicative of all shows, but it went something like this.

There was a big opening number with all the older, more talented of the dancers strutting their funky stuff, I believe is the expression. [Strutting their funky...? Just how old are you? - Ed.] They then danced their way off stage to be replaced with a group of younger, less-gifted dancers.

The first lot managed to do all the moves in sync; this crowd aren't quite at that stage yet.

As before, they finish their stint to be replaced by even younger would-be Ginger Rodgers. [Ginger Rod...? you must be flipping ancient. - Ed.] They are really only at the learning stage. Some are naturals and would seem to be destined to join the older ones. Others are obviously struggling a bit and are watching whoever is in the wings prompting them. As they leave the stage, a group of kids, little more than toddlers really, wander into the limelight. This disparate bunch wave their arms about and kick their legs vaguely in time to the music. The audience all coo and ah while this bunch of cute kids go through their routine.

When they leave the stage, we have been been watching for 20 minutes or so. Time for a break? Don't you believe it. Back come the oldest group in different outfits and twirling batons about. Again their routine is pretty much flawless.

Once again, the younger group replace them to do a similar routine. They are not at the same level as the first lot and a few batons get dropped.

The second youngest group take over and the batons are not so much twirled as wiggled about a bit. Again, some of the girls aren't sure what they are meant to be doing and are watching the instructors in the wings.

Finally, for this section, the youngest kids come onto the stage. Batons are dropped, picked up, not picked up, jabbed into other kids and the audience smiles and continues to coo and ah.

After this routine, there is an intermission... thank goodness. [Thank you goodness. - Ed.] Just in time before cramp sets in. Why are theatre seats so close together?

After our break, we get on with the show. The next routine is quite energetic compared to what we watched in the first half. I think this might have been the disco section.

Now we see that a few of the older squad are not as supple as they could be. Some of the more lithe ones can kick above head height. A few can't... I'd have thought that dancing would keep you slim. Obviously, it doesn't.

As the older troupe make way for the not-quite-so-good lot, we are made aware that some of the girls are quite severely overweight. A few of this group can kick above head height. A few can barely kick at all; they are just raising their legs a bit.

As they leave the stage, the next to youngest group appears and, as before, some need a bit of prompting from the wings. They make way for the younger squad who, as before, just move about a bit and look cute.

The next discipline would seem to be cheerleaders. I'm not sure when that was ever a dance type but then I'm not running a dance school. Anyway, the first lot move about in unison, the second lot not quite as good, the third lot are still needing some prompting and the last lot just try to hit each other with their pom poms.

You can tell I'm getting really bored by this point. The little cuties then vacate the stage.

Yay! We're finished. No we're not.

There is tap to come. Ye gods and little fishes! Tap?! When was the last time anyone did tap dancing? Lionel Blair was the last I can recall. Anyway, see previous comments re levels of competence.

After the tap section, we are treated to the big finale. All the dancers come onto the stage for the extravaganza that (please god) will end this display of dancing prowess. Or lack of prowess depending on your levels of cynicism. Eventually, they all wave to the audience and leave the stage

Yay! Time to go home. No. Hold your horses. This being the second of two nights, we are now treated(?) to the awards part of the evening.

The dance part of the evening was tedious enough, now we have to sit and watch all the patting on the backs that showbiz types love so much. This was worse than the Oscars. It also seemed to drag on for hours. It didn't, of course. It only dragged on for 40 minutes. It was made all the worse that my granddaughter didn't win anything, even though she was quite obviously the best dancer.

Anyway, when this lovefest is complete we can all go home. Or can we? No we can't. Somebody was leaving the dance school and so, more hugs and kisses were doled out and then we had to have speeches. Dearie me. I was thinking I would never get home. Obviously, some of the younger participants were thinking the same and were beginning to get a bit fractious. There were tears, as well. That was dismissed as kids getting emotional about the lady who was leaving them; I would have said it was down to sheer bloody fatigue.

Finally, after all the speechifying, we were released into the wild. Hurrah!

The whole show lasted for a little under four hours. Four hours! No wonder those little kids were starting to get grumpy.

I have some advice for anyone out there in gramblerland that is expected to attend one of these end-of-year displays. Firstly, if you can, go on the first, rather than the final, night... no awards ceremony. Secondly, if that isn't possible, make sure you've got a flask of hot tea and plenty of sandwiches to last you through the ordeal.

Better still, buy a ticket but feign illness on the night and simply don't go.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 16th of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Joshua Reynolds 1723 - Painter.

Nat Jackley 1909 - Comedian.

Tommy Eytle 1926 - Musician and actor. Jules in Eastenders.

Shirley Hughes 1927 - Children’s writer and illustrator.

Jane Hylton 1927 - Actress. Mrs Fisher in Some Mothers Do ’Ave ’Em.

John Chilton 1932 - Musician (trumpet). Leader of John Chilton’s Feetwarmers, George Melly’s backing band. Here is Hometown.

Mary Parkinson 1936 - Journalist and presenter. Mrs Michael Parkinson.

Jeremy Spenser 1937 - Former child actor. He played the young Louis Mazzini in Kind Hearts and Coronets.

Tommy Bruce 1937 - Singer. Here is his version of Ain't Misbehavin'. What the fu... What was that meant to be?!

Tony Jackson 1938 - Singer. He was the vocalist on this hit by The Searchers, Sweets for My Sweet

Corin Redgrave 1939 - Ector, dear leddie. Old Jolyon in The Forsyte Saga.

Frank Field 1942 - Politician. [Didn’t he sing I Remember You? - Ed.] Sigh... That was Frank Ifield.

 

Frank Field? Surely not.

Angharad Rees 1944 - Actress. Demelza in Poldark.

Barry Dudleston 1945 - Crickety bloke.

David Sibley 1948 - Jobbing actor. Played seven different characters in The Bill... not at the same time, you understand.

Dennis ‘The Menace’ Priestley 1950 - Darty bloke.

Lorraine Chase 1951 - Actress. Steph Stokes in Emmerdale.

Phil Carrick 1952 - Crickety bloke.

Aftab Sachak 1952 - Actor. Ashraf in (early) Eastenders.

Nicholas Frankau 1954 - Actor. Flying Officer Carstairs in Allo Allo.

Norman Cook 1963 - Musician. Perhaps better known as Fatboy Slim, but has a few other aliases... Are you ready for this?... Arthur Chubb, Asher D. Slim, Biggie Slims, Cheeky Boy, Chemistry, Chimp McGarvey, Cook Da Bass, Disque Attack, DJ Delite, DJ Quentox, Drunk Soul Brother, The Feelgood Factor, Grime Minister, Hot Since 63, Hobblefoot Hound, Margret Scratcher, Mighty Gus Poyetz, Pierre Burner Down, Sensateria, Son of a Cheeky Boy, Son of Wilmot, Stomping Pondfrogs, Sunny Side Up and let’s not forget Yum Yum Head Food. Here’s one of Fatboy’s biggest hits, Praise You. I love that video; brilliant and crap at the same time.

Andy Abraham 1964 - Who? Singer who nearly won 2005’s The X Factor, being narrowly beaten by Shayne Ward. In 2008 he represented GB in the Eurovision Song Contest which he would have won if only every other entry hadn’t scored more points than him. Here is that song, Even If.

Johnny Vaughan 1966 - Radio presenter.

Matt Healy 1970 - Actor. Matthew King in Emmerdale.

Gareth Bale 1989 - Pêl-droediw.

Bob McHugh 1991 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Andros Townsend 1991 - Footy bloke.

Katie McGlynn 1993 - Actress. Sinead Osbourne in Coronation Street.

Kortney Hause 1995 - Footy bloke.

Righty ho, what about the 23rd of July?

Michael Wilding 1912 - Jobbing actor. Who can forget his Ponsonby in Waterloo? I know I can.

Michael Foot 1913 - Politician.

Ronald Ridout 1916 - Writer of school textbooks.

Robert Brown 1921 - Jobbing actor. Bert Harker in The Newcomers. 139 credits on IMBd.

Charles Stapley 1925 - Jobbing actor. He was in The Adventures of Robin Hood (the Richard Greene one) as characters such as Lt. Howard, Edmund, Exeter, William, Will, Spicer, Dick the Smith, Seneschal, Sir Gaillard, Jack, Rolf and Sir Miles as well as various soldiers, outlaws and drinkers at bar.

Charlotte Mitchell 1926 - Actress. Mary in Not in Front of the Children.

Richard Rodgers 1933 - Architect.

Mandy Miller 1944 - Child actress. Mandy in Mandy. Had a hit novelty record that you all (probably) know.

Andy McKay 1946 - A Roxy Musician. He co-wrote this one, Angel Eyes. That’s him playing the sax.

David Essex 1947 - Singer and actor. Have a clip. This one kept Queen off the number one spot.

Michael Wood 1948 - Historian and broadcaster.

Cheryl Hall 1950 - Actress. Shirley Johnson in Citizen Smith and a former Mrs Robert Lindsay.

Stewart Milne 1950 - Businessman and former chairman of Aberdeen F.C.

Len McCluskey 1950 - Trade unionist.

Graham Gooch 1953 - Crickety bloke.

Jo Brand 1957 - Comedienne.

Kate Buffery 1957 - Actress. D.I. Pat North in Trial & Retribution.

Quentin Willson 1957 - Motoring journalist and presenter.

Martin Gore 1961 - Musician. A bit of Depeche Mode, a band who are incredibly popular in mainland Europe. This was number one in Italy, Spain and Sweden, but only reached number four here in the Yuk - Precious.

Andy Townsend 1963 - Footy bloke.

Matilda Ziegler 1964 - Actress. Irma Gobb in Mr Bean.

Saul Hudson aka Slash 1965 - Musician. A bit of Guns N’ Roses. Notice that? Not Guns ’N’ Roses, which would be more grammatically correct. That is, if they must use N instead of the word and. Honestly! Where were these people educatified? Here’s the band’s first hit single, which sold in sufficient numbers to earn the band a gold disc, Paradise City.

John Torode 1965 - TV Cook.

Fran Healy 1973 - Musician. Frontman with Travis. Here’s a track with one hell of a creepy video, Nina's Song.

Blake Harrison 1985 - Actor. Neil Sutherland in The Inbetweeners.

Stewart Anderson 1985 - Booler.

Reece Ritchie 1987 - Actor. Ray Singh in The Lovely Bones.

Daniel Radcliffe 1989 - Actor. Harry Potter. Him.

Danny Ings 1992 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Lovely David Gramblex,

It was lovely to hear that lovely song, Gonna Make You a Star.  It really was lovely.  I remember you once starred in a lovely film about you racing a lovely motorbike.  Wasn't there a lovely song from it that became a lovely hit?  I can't remember the name though.  If you could let me know what it was called, that would be lovely.

Yours with love,

Sylvia Dree-McSheen.

 

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we did win. Sort of. £1.80 back from our £2.20 outlay. A better result than last time. What happened? Read on...

 

Degerfors vs IFK Norrkoping - Away win

Result - Degerfors 1 IFK Norrkoping

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Elfsborg vs AIK - Home win

Result - Elfsborg 2 AIK 2

Ooh! ’It the bar again!

Mjallby vs BK Hacken - Away win

Result - Mjallby 1 BK Hacken 2

Yay!

Hammarby vs IFK Goteborg - Home win

Result - Hammarby 3 IFK Goteborg 0

Yay!

Helsingborg vs Djurgarden - Away win

Result - Helsingborg 0 Djurgarden 2

Yay!

 

What treats has The Grambler come up with this week? Same league as last week. More’s the pity. Have you ever tried typing out crazy Scandinavian names you’ve never heard of? Not easy, I can tell you.

Game - Result - Odds

Saturday

Mjällby AIF vs Degerfors IF - Home win - 3/4

Sunday

Helsingborgs IF vs GIF Sundsvall - Home win - 7/10

IFK Värnamo vs AIK - Away win - 21/20

Monday

IFK Norrköping vs IFK Göteborg - Home win - 5/6

Varbergs BoIS vs Hammarby IF - Away win - 1/2

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.50

Hmm... Whoppingish.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Shrewsbury before moving to Manchester City. I have been capped for England 75 times. In 2021 I moved to Celtic.

Answer - Joe Hart

2. Which former Premier League side will play season 2022-23 in the National League?

Answer - Oldham Athletic

3. Which team conceded the most Premier League goals in one season?

Answer - Swindon Town (100)

4. Which national sides have been managed by Jurgen Klinsmann?

Answer - Germany and USA

5. What management feat is shared by Jock Stein and Alex McLeish?

Answer - Both managed the Scotland team in two separate spells.

How did you get on with those? All correct? Well done. Let’s see if we can come up with some more difficult ones for this week...

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1980 in Terrassa, Spain. A midfielder, I played 505 games for the team I now manage. I was capped 133 times for my country. I am known by a shortened version of my first name.

2. Which club is managed by Christophe Galtier?

3. Which club’s stadium was briefly known as the Sports Direct Arena?

4. Which player has won the most caps for the Republic of Ireland?

5. A daft one to finish, in the 2022-23 season, how many London derbies will take place?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Ms J. Brand, a comedienne who celebrates her birthday on this day. I have enjoyed Jo Brand’s type of humour ever since I first saw her on Saturday Live in the late 1980s as ‘The Sea Monster’. To finish this edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog, here she is with some amusing QI moments.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 9 July 2022

Post 453 - a grambling farewell

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

This link can still be accessed, but a new link will be in place soon to ensure that every single penny raised goes straight to bowel cancer research without a fee going to any middleman.

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

And so we bid a fond farewell to another piece of old technology which has been replaced by newer, more efficient processes. It's a piece of kit that used to grace every business that accepted credit cards. What am I referring to? Why, the good old-fashioned credit card imprinter. Sorry pardon excuse me?

Yes, for those of you too young to remember, before everything to do with spending became electronic, if you wished to pay for goods with a credit card, it would be placed in such a machine with a three-layer 'receipt' and the vendor would swipe across the card with a lever which, when returned to its starting point, revealed that, as if by magic, your card details were now printed on the receipt. Wow!

Of course, it wasn't magic, was it boys and girls? It was just like carbon paper... Oh dear, another one from back in the mists of time. You won't know what that is either. Ask your mum, or granny. Any road up, the machine had simply forced the receipt onto the embossed information on the card to reveal its details and you then signed the receipt to validate the sale and received a copy for your records. One copy was retained by the vendor and the third would go to your bank to make the payment which you had signed for.

It all sounds so old-fashioned compared to contactless payments. And, indeed, it is old-fashioned; when was the last time you encountered a card swiper?

Today, I received proof that the swipe machine is no longer used and is yet another piece of history destined for a museum. How so, I hear you ask. My new credit card arrived through the post and guess what, the number and name are now simply printed on the card rather than embossed. Such is progress.

There's a thing that's always bothered me about credit and debit cards. If you order something online, or over the phone, and pay by card, you are asked for the security number of the card. That three digit number on the back. All well and good, but how is something printed on the back of the card a form of security? Surely it would make sense for those good people at the bank to send card holders a security number under separate cover (the way they do with passwords) so that, should the card get stolen, it can't be used online (or over the phone). As it is, it would take a very stupid criminal indeed to not spend loads of your dosh when he had nicked your card.

Come on bank people, think it through. You know it makes sense.

 

R.I.P. old friend

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 9th of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

William Burrell 1861 - Shipping magnate and philanthropist. [He collected stamps, that’s interesting. - Ed.] Jeezo!

Barbara Cartland 1901 - Orfer. She wrote 723 novels, don’t cha know.

Ian Mikardo 1908 - Politician who liked Gilbert and Sullivan.

Mervyn Peake 1911 - Orfer. Mr Pye, that was one of his.

Edward Heath 1916 - The well-known sailor.

Hazel Adair 1920 - Scriptwriter.

Christopher Morahan 1929 - Director.

Alex Welsh 1929 - Jazz musician. Have a clip. Here’s It Don't Mean A Thing (if it ain't got that swing). Shocking grammar.

Jimmy Reid 1932 - Trades unionist and politician.

Oliver Sacks 1933 - Neurologist, naturalist, historian of science and writer. In fact, a right old smarty boots. The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. That was one of his. [Didn’t he play Manuel in Fawlty Towers? - Ed.] No.

John Clegg 1934 - Actor. La-di-dah Gunner Graham in It Ain’t Half Hot Mum.

Michael Williams 1935 - Actor. Mike in A Fine Romance. Mr Judi Dench.

Richard Wilson 1936 - Actor. Victor Meldrew in One Foot In The Grave.

David Hockney 1937 - Artist.

Barry Howard 1937 - Actor. Barry Stuart-Hargreaves in Hi-de-Hi!

Natasha Pyne 1946 - Actress. Anna Tanner in Father, Dear Father.

Bon Scott 1946 - Original AC/DC singer. A clip. Here’s Whole Lotta Rosie.

John ‘Mitch’ Mitchell 1947 - Drummy bloke with The Jimi Hendrix Experience. A clip? Here’s their biggest UK hit, Purple Haze.  A favourite misheard lyrics song... Excuse me, while I kiss this guy. [Pardon? - Ed.]

Nigel Lythgoe 1949 - Dancer, TV producer and director.

John Frieda 1951 - Barber. He used to be Mr Lulu.

Paddy Bush 1952 - Musician and Kate’s big brother. Have a clip. Here’s Jig of Life.

Steve Coppell 1955 - Footy bloke.

Paul Merton 1957 - Comedian.

Marc Almond 1957 - [Nut? - Ed.] Oh ha bloody ha. Singer. Here is his first big hit with Soft Cell, Tainted Love.

Moray Hunter 1958 - Comedian.

Jim Kerr 1959 - Singer (it says here). Have another clip. Here’s Promised You A Miracle.

Tom Hingley 1965 - Singer and Inspiral Carpet. Time for another clip. Here’s Saturn 5.

Owen Powell 1967 - Guitarist. Have a clip. Here’s Catatonia with Road Rrrrage.

Dani Behr 1970 - Presenter on The Word. Not a real bear.

Simon Tong 1972 - Jobbing musician. One time guitarist with The Verve. Another clip, methinks. Here’s Lucky Man.

Ashley Young 1985 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Marc Gramblemond,

I have always been a fan of your good self. I recall you had a hit or two with other people. Gene Pitney and Something’s Gotten Hold of My Heart was one. Did you also have a hit with Bronski Beat? What was that one?

Yours with bells on,

I. Fee-Love.

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we did win. Sort of. 88 pees back from our £2.20 outlay. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

FC Honka vs IFK Mariehamn - Home win

Result - Honka 1 IFK Mariehamn 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

AC Oulu vs VPS Vaasa - Away win

Result - AC Oulo 0 VPS Vaasa 6

Yay!

HJK Helsinki vs KuPS Kuopio - Home win

Result - HJK Helsinki 1 KuPS Kuopio 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Lahti vs FC Inter - Away win

Result - Lahti 2 Inter 1

Boo!

HIFK vs FC Ilves - Away win

Result - HIFK 0 Ilves 1

Yay!

Not too good. Oh well, let’s see what The Grambler has come up with this week. Ooh, he/she/it has gone for the Sweden Allsvenskan. There’s fancy.

Game - Result - Odds

Saturday

Degerfors vs IFK Norrkoping - Away win - 19/20

Sunday

Elfsborg vs AIK - Home win - 11/10

Mjallby vs BK Hacken - Away win - 19/20

Monday

Hammarby vs IFK Goteborg - Home win - 13/20

Helsingborg vs Djurgarden - Away win - 3/5

 

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.46

In whoppingness terms, that’s not too bad.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1945 in Farnworth, Lancashire. A midfielder, I played at many clubs, but the bulk of my career was spent at Blackpool, Everton, Arsenal and Southampton. In all, I made 833 league appearances. I was capped for England 72 times and was a member of the 1966 World Cup winning team.

Answer - Alan Ball

2. Who is Burnley’s manager?

Answer - Vincent Kompany

3. Which Italian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Gianfranco Zola (229)

4. Which current Liverpool player boasts the most international caps?

Answer - Mohamed Salah (85)

5. A daft one to finish. Can you name all the teams in the English senior leagues with ‘ton’ in their name?

Answer - 14 - Aston Villa, Brighton & Hove Albion, Everton, Southampton, Wolverhampton Wanderers, Luton Town, Preston North End, Accrington Stanley, Bolton Wanderers, Burton Albion, Charlton Athletic, Milton Keynes Dons, Leyton Orient and Sutton United.

I say you chaps, shall we have five teasers for this week? That would be rather spiffing, what.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1987 in Shrewsbury. A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Shrewsbury before moving to Manchester City. I have been capped for England 75 times. In 2021 I moved to Celtic.

2. Which former Premier League side will play season 2022-23 in the National League?

3. Which team conceded the most Premier League goals in one season?

4. Which national sides have been managed by Jurgen Klinsmann?

5. What management feat is shared by Jock Stein and Alex McLeish?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. P. Merton who celebrates his birthday today. Paul Merton has been a mainstay of Have I Got News For You for 32 years... except for the one series where he wasn’t there. [Sorry? - Ed.] Yes, he left for the 11th series, but returned for the 12th... and the subsequent 50 series (and counting). This week, for our finishing item, please enjoy some Paul Merton moments from HIGNFY (as aficionados like to call it).

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 1 July 2022

Post 452 - Another young life lost to bowel cancer

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

You may have read this week that Deborah James aka the Bowel Babe has finally succumbed to that most horrible of diseases, bowel cancer. Bowel cancer that only affects over fifties, we are told. She was 40. Because of her crusade to raise awareness about bowel cancer, over £6 million has been raised for Cancer Research UK. Great. She was also made a dame. Well, whoop-de-f******-doo! How patronising. Here, have a meaningless title. Most people pay thousands to get a title. She had to pay with her life.

Excuse my cynicism, but what difference will any of it make? Raising awareness now, but will people remember her 'legacy' (a popular in-word the media love to use) in years to come?

Did Stephen Sutton receive a knighthood? No, he only got an MBE; an even more meaningless title. [Surely, you can't quantify the word meaningless. Something is either meaningless or it isn't. - Ed.] Fair point... Who, I hear you ask. Stephen Sutton MBE. He was 18 when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Remember that? The one that only affects over fifties? Aye, sure. He was only 19 when he died. It was then that he received his title. Fat lot of use that was to him, then. Like Dame Debbie, he raised millions for cancer research. Who talks about him now, eight years on?

I'm going to relate to you another terribly sad story about bowel cancer being ignored until it was too late. A 39 year-old man first went to see his doctor about bowel problems in February 2020. He was sent home with a course of antibiotics, a GP's answer to any ailment it would seem, despite requesting that he have a scan to check for bowel cancer. After more requests, he was finally given a scan in June, which showed that he did have bowel cancer, but it was so advanced that it had spread to his liver and lungs. He died in February of this year.

Who can know whether having a scan three months earlier would have saved him? Nobody. But wasting any time when a cancer is even the merest hint of a possibility can make all the difference between a cure and, as in this case, death.

Sadly for him, his problem was first spotted as hospitals were beginning to struggle with coronavirus cases and he was told that a scan was out of the question because of the possibility of contracting covid 19.

Unfortunately, whether we are in the throes of a pandemic or not, all other diseases are still there and still need treatment. How many cancers have gone undetected because treatments are on hold while coronavirus takes precedence?

So, whatever symptoms you have that you think could indicate bowel cancer, tell your doctor immediately and request a scan to deal with your concerns. If he or she tells you that you are wrong or are too young to be even thinking about bowel cancer, just relate this tale, or Stewart's story and any number of other similar ones.

Too many doctors are still of the opinion that bowel cancer only affects older people. Like Dame Debbie and Stephen MBE, we, Stewart's family, aim to raise awareness that that is not always the case. Maybe those doctors should read thegrambler.com. It might alter their view.

Still related to bowel cancer, but on a lighter note, you regular readers out there in Gramblerland know that we raise money for bowel cancer research by holding events such as afternoon teas, quizzes and the like. Last Friday night, in a first for us, Mrs G organised a bingo night. And very successful it was too; it raised £1033 for the Bobby Moore fund (which, as you regular readers also know, specialises in funding bowel cancer research). Well done Mrs G, I hear you say. It also marked a couple of landmarks for us; we have been raising money for the fund for 10 years (Stewart began raising money for the Bobby Moore fund back in 2012.). The second landmark was that we had raised £60,000 over the years. Actually, we have raised considerably more than that, as that figure only covers the money raised since Stewart's death in 2013.

All the cash that has been raised was given to the fund via Justgiving which, ten years ago, was the best way to transfer money to a charity. The problem is that Justgiving itself is not a charity; it is a business and, as such, it takes a cut of any money that it passes on to charitable causes. The figure is something between 2.9 and 5%. Why don't I know the exact figure? Because Justgiving, themselves, don't seem to know; different posts give different amounts. Okay, say they take the higher figure, that would mean that £3000 of the money we have raised for charity has instead helped in making somebody very rich.

Remember Captain Tom who raised dosh for the NHS two years ago? He raised £33 million. If all of that passed through Justgiving, then that business was richer to the tune of £1.65 million. Maybe, with Tom's fundraising being so high profile, Justgiving didn't take their usual cut. I hope that was the case, because that is a huge amount that could otherwise be going to the NHS.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, after ten years, things have changed. There are alternatives to Justgiving. In future, all the money we raise will be donated to the Bobby Moore fund via Cancer Research UK. The reason for making the change is that every penny will go directly to bowel cancer research. No middle man means that nobody is siphoning off any cut. Huzzah!

Though the Justgiving page is still quoted in the introduction to this blog, the change will be made soon and, should you wish to, you can donate in the knowledge that anything you give will go directly to the charity.

Well, that's all a bit serious, you must be thinking. You are right, so let's finish with some bingo facts and funnies.

Did you know that the biggest bingo prize ever was won in a national game in Scotland back in 2008 when a lucky lady won £1,167,795?

Did you know that a few famous folk began their showbiz careers as bingo callers? Shane Ritchie, Kian Egan (Westlife), Simon Webbe (Blue) and, of all people, Russell Crowe.

Did you know that over 3 million people in the UK play bingo at least twice per week? That is almost five percent of the population.

Well, whadder you know! as they used to say.

How about a couple of gags to finish?

The first concerns a good old-fashioned bingo caller who likes to use bingo slang when calling the numbers...

'All the sixes: clickety click. All the twos: two little ducks. Six and two: clickety duck.'

Well, I liked it.

The second gag concerns a bingo player who is 'sweating', that is, waiting for one number to complete her card and win the big prize. The number she is waiting for is 13...

'...And your next number is... unlucky for some...'

Before the caller can finish the sentence, our eager player cries out, 'House!'

The caller continues with his sentence, '... twelve.'

Feeling cheated, our bingo player says, 'That's not unlucky for some!'

The caller replies, 'It is for you, missus.'

Boom and indeed, tish.

 

Please take note

 

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 25th of June? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Basil Radford 1897 - Actor. Known as ‘The Eternal Englishman’, often playing stuffy, well-bred types, don’t-cha-know. Captain Waggett in Whisky Galore.

Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Mountbatten, 1st Earl Mountbatten of Burma 1900 - Royal bloke.

Eric Blair aka George Orwell 1903 - Orfer. 1984, he wrote that one.

Roger Livesey 1906 - Actor. Clive Wynne-Candy in The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp. a satire on the leadership of the British army.

Cyril Fletcher 1913 - Comedian who gets name-checked at the end edition of your favourite ill-informed blog.

Mavis Pugh 1914 - Actress. Lady Lavendar in You Rang, M’Lord.

Harold Spiro 1925 - Songwriter. He wrote Long Live Love, the UK entry in 1974’s Eurovision Song Contest. But that’s not what you are getting a link to. Oh no. He won an Ivor Novello Award for this.

Moray Watson 1928 - Actor. Sir Donald Stuffy in Norbert Smith, a Life.

Roy Williamson 1936 - A Corrie. He wrote this one.  Roy’s the one playing the mandolin type thing. Yes, I know I’ve put that in a previous edition, but it’s a belter.

Clint Warwick 1940 - Original bassist for The Moody Blues. He was also co-lead vocalist on this one, I've Got A Dream. Factoid: His real name is Albert Eccles. I wonder why he changed it?

Eddie Large 1941 - Comedian.

Roy Marsden 1941 - Actor. Adam Dalglish in Death of an Expert Witness, Shroud for a Nightingale, Cover Her Face, The Black Tower, A Taste for Death, Devices and Desires, Unnatural Causes, A Mind to Murder, Original Sin and A Certain Justice. That’s eight series and two film-length features. In all, he played the character in 45 episodes.

Patricia Brake 1942 - Actress. Ingrid Fletcher in Porridge.

Labi Siffre 1945 - Musician. A clip? Indeed. Here’s Crying, Laughing, Loving, Lying.

Ian McDonald 1946 - Musician. Founding member of both King Crimson (which he left) and Foreigner (which he was kicked out of). Have a clip. Here’s Cold as Ice.

Alan Green 1952 - Football commentator.

Vic Marks 1955 - Crickety bloke.

Ricky Gervais 1961 - Comedian, actor, director, producer, musician and writer. In fact, a right old smarty boots.

Phil Jupitus 1962 - Comedian. Factoid: His early stage persona was Porky the Poet.

George Michael 1963 - Singer-songwriter and musician. Another clip coming up. Here’s Fastlove.

Johnny Herbert 1964 - Racey car bloke.

Neil Lennon 1971 - Fuddy blook, surely noy.

Jamie Redknapp 1973 - Footy bloke.

Sunetra Sarker 1973 - Actress. Kaneez Paracha in Ackley Bridge.

Derek Adams 1975 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Callum Davidson 1976 - Fitba guy.

Sheridan Smith 1981 - Actress. Now, what’s she been in? [What hasn’t she been in, you mean. - Ed.] Jenna in The Teacher.

Scott Brown 1985 - Fitba guy.

Jamie Walker 1993 - Fitba guy.

Lauren Price 1994 - Boxy bloke.

 

Now then, what about July the 2nd?

Thomas Cranmer 1489 - The well-known archbishop. Looked nothing like Bernard Hepton. Now, there’s an old reference for you.

Jack Hylton 1892 - Band leader and impressario. Here’s a little song dedicated to Britain’s answer to Amelia Earhart, Amy Johnson.

Ian Wilson 1901 - Jobbing actor. Never heard of him? Chances are, you will have seen him. 206 credits on IMBd ranging from Office Boy in the 1914 short, Don’t Tell Your Wife to Communicant in 1973’s The Wicker Man.

Alec Douglas-Home 1903 - The well-known prime minister. Looked nothing like David Annan.

Alan Webb 1906 - Jobbing actor. Colonel Cope-Addams in Knight Errant Limited.

Robert Sharples 1913 - Composer and bandleader. Here’s the theme tune he wrote a 1960s series called Public Eye.

Annette Kerr 1920 - Actress. Dora Grimes in 2point4 Children.

Peter Taylor 1928 - Footy bloke. Cloughie’s sidekick.

John Timpson 1928 - Journalist and presenter.

Frank Williams 1931 - Actor. Rev. Timothy Farthing in Dad’s Army. I have just had a very weird moment; when putting fingers to keyboard to type in Frank’s details, I checked IMDb. I saw there that he was still alive. Wow, I thought, 90 not out. I then checked Wikipedia just to make sure I had his date of birth correct. I had, however, it noted that he had died. Indeed he had, the very day I was typing this out, the 26th of June. Spooky.

Johnnie Mortimer 1931 - TV scriptwriter. With Brian Cooke wrote such popular sitcoms as Man About the House and its follow-ups George and Mildred and Robin’s Nest.

Terry Major-Ball 1932 - John Major’s big brother. Made a bit of a career as a media personality (whatever that means.)

Tom Springfield 1934 - Musician. Brother of Dusty. Dusty’s real name was Mary O’Brien. Tom’s real name? Dionysius O’Brien. No wonder he changed it. Have a clip. Here’s Green Leaves of Summer. Tom is on the right.

Dee (formerly David) Palmer 1937 - Musician. One time member of Jethro Tull. Yay! A chance to include a link to a Tull track. Here’s a live version of Songs From The Wood. David (sorry Dee) is the one in the black penguin suit playing the keyboard (and helping out with vocals).

David Owen 1938 - Politician.

Kenneth Clark 1940 - Politician. Looks nothing like Nick Wymer. [Who? - Ed.]

Christopher Awdry 1940 - Orfer. Took over writing duties for the Thomas the Tank Engine stories from his dad.

Chris Huhne 1954 - Politician.

William Haughey 1956 - Businessman and philanthropist.

Michael Clark 1962 - Cosmic dancer.

Mark Kermode 1963 - Film buff.

Roy Boulter 1964 - Musician, writer and director. Drummer with The Farm. A clip? Why not. Here’s Don't Let Me Down the third single from the album Spartacus. That explains the video, then.

Sue Devaney 1967 - Actress. Debbie Webster in Coronation Street.

Samantha Giles 1971 - Actress. Bernice Blackstock in Emmerdale.

Lee Boardman 1972 - Actor. Jez Quigley in Coronation Street.

Peter Kay 1973 - Comedian.

Dan Tetsell 1974 - Another comedian.

Daniel Kitson 1977 - Yet another comedian.

Danny Rose 1990 - Footy bloke.

Jordan Bowery 1991 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) George Grambael,

I always loved your music; right from the days of Wham. It was a Wham song that I wanted to ask you about. I believe one of your songs was used as a charity fundraiser for Children in Need. I think Shane Ritchie sang it. Could you enlighten me, please?

Yours inquisitively,

I. Muir-Mann.

 

 

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Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Well, we did win. Sort of. £2.10 back from our £2.20 outlay. What happened? Read on...

 

 

FC Haka vs IFK Mariehamn - 13.00 - Home win

Result - FC Haka 3 IFK Mariehamn 2

Yay!

FC Ilves vs Lahti - 15.00 - Home win

Result - FC Ilves 3 Lahti 2

Yay!

HJK Helsinki vs AC Oulu - 15.00 - Home win

Result - HJK Helsinki 0 AC Oulo 1

Boo!

SJK vs FC Inter - 15.00 - Away win

Result - SJK 1 Inter 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

HIFK vs VPS Vaasa -21.00 - Away win

Result - HIFK 1 VPS Vaasa 5

Yay!

 

Perhaps we should stick with that league for this week. What do you reckon, Grambler? Yes? What do you mean, we can’t? Oh, only four games on Saturday. Well, what about other days? There’s one on Monday. Shall we go with that one as well? Aye, why not. Let’s have a look what he/she/it has randomly selected.

Game - Result - Odds

Saturday

FC Honka vs IFK Mariehamn - Home win - 9/20

AC Oulu vs VPS Vaasa - Away win - 6/5

HJK Helsinki vs KuPS Kuopio - Home win - Evens

Lahti vs FC Inter - Away win - 10/11

Monday

HIFK vs FC Ilves - Away win - Evens

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.10

That’s a bit whoppinger than usual.

 

 

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Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1992 in Bree, Belgium. I am 6’ 7” tall. I began my senior career with Gent. I then moved to Chelsea, but was immediately loaned out to Atletico Madrid for three seasons. I helped them to win the Europa League in 2012 and La Liga title in 2014. I returned to Chelsea and was part of the team that won the Premier League in 2015 and again in 2017. In 2018 I was sold to my present club, Real Madrid, for £35 million.

Answer - Thibaut Courtois

2. Which two players tie as Scotland’s top goalscorers with 30 goals each?

Answer(s) - Denis Law and Kenny Dalglish

3. Which English club has the motto ‘Audere est facere’ (To dare is to do.)?

Answer - Tottenham Hotspur

4. Which English club has the nickname ‘The Grecians’?

Answer - Exeter City

5. Another daft one to finish. Name the seven clubs in the English and Scottish senior leagues with a compass point as part of their name.

Answer - West Ham, Southampton, West Bromwich Albion, Preston North End, Northampton Town, Queen of the South and East Fife.

Shall we have another five for this week? I should say so...

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1945 in Farnworth, Lancashire. A midfielder, I played at many clubs, but the bulk of my career was spent at Blackpool, Everton, Arsenal and Southampton. In all, I made 833 league appearances. I was capped for England 72 times and was a member of the 1966 World Cup winning team.

2. Who is Burnley’s manager?

3. Which Italian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

4. Which current Liverpool player boasts the most international caps?

5. A daft one to finish. Can you name all the teams in the English senior leagues with ‘ton’ in their name? I’ve a feeling I may have asked that question in the past. If so, I do apologise, but have fun anyway.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

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Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure. [You don’t need to. It’s £60,000. You were told earlier. - Ed.]

 

 

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And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, for this week’s finishing item, I am indebted to a Mr. P. Kay who features in this week’s birthday honours. Here is a short clip from the most successful comedy tour show ever, The Tour That Doesn't Tour Tour... Now On Tour.

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.