Monday 28 October 2013

Week 9 Weather forecasters surprised that seasonal weather is here

Question: Why do weather forecasters on the TV have to be so bloody enthusiastic?  There is nothing to get so excited about.  It is windy, yes.  Do you know what?  It tends to get a bit windy at this time of year.  Anyone would think you were the first to discover it.  Watch next week as weatherman gets so excited he wets himself because there might be a bit of frost!
Any road up, it's goodbye Sober October; welcome Noelember.  Yes this month everybody is encouraged to be a bearded twat for charity.  In these days of phone hacking – I thought you might like to read the transcript of a telephone conversation of some years back….

Hello, am I speaking to Channel 4’s Commissioning Editor?

Yes.  How may I help you?

I’ve got an idea for a telly programme.

I see.  And what does this programme involve?

It’s a quiz.  There are all these people who each sit with a box in front of them…

Oh yes, and what is in these boxes?



No, when they are invited to, they open the lid and there is a number – a sum of money - printed inside the lid.  And everyone has a different number.

Right.  And do they have to answer questions to win the money?

Oh no.  There are no questions.

I thought you said it was a quiz.

Yes, but I don’t ask them any questions.

Oh, you are involved?  So what do you do?

I walk about looking smug and make patronising comments.

I see.  What else?

Erm, nothing.  That’s it.

Do you want to know something?  In all my years commissioning programmes for TV, I have yet to hear of a more ridiculous idea for a programme.  It is rubbish.  It is worse than Monkey Tennis.  Worse than Through the A***hole.  This is just crap.  In fact, it is the biggest load of…

I am Noel Edmonds.

In that case, please accept this shedload of money and an open-ended contract to make any number of shows you want.

Oh, I’ve made a mistake.  It isn’t Noelember it’s Movember.  Where everyone raises money by erm…moving?  No.  I’m wrong again.  It’s where everyone raises money for charity by getting sponsorship for growing a moustache.

How the blibbing hell does that work, then?  When you want sponstership for charity you’re susposed to do something a bit difficult like running marathons – Ooh, I don’t like them, them peanuts get stuck in me teeth.  Hang on they’ve changed the name now haven’t they?  Something to do with pants.  Or you raise money by making and flogging rubbish for charity.  You don’t just go about saying I can’t be bothered shaving and expect folk to give you money.  I wouldn’t expect anyone to give me money for not bothering to do something – Give me money and I won’t bother washing; or, give me money and I won’t bother combing me hair.  It beggars belief, it really does.  Knickers!  No, not knickers.  Snickers; that’s it.  Why do they have to change names?  What was wrong with Oprah Fruits?  And what’s that other one?  The stuff for cleaning.  Sounds like gonorrhoea.  Syph!  That’s it; Cif.  Used to be called Biff or something…etc. etc. ad infinitum.

What's happened to this week’s song?  Well, as I write this I have just heard of the death of Lou Reed who was famous for being a complete smackhead.  And..erm, that's it.  So let’s have a wee toon from Lou to start us off this week.

Oh it’s such a perfect day,

I’m glad I grambled with you.

Oh, such a perfect day,

You just keep me grambling on,

You just keep me grambling on.

Let us Gramble.

All games take place on Saturday 2nd November at 3pm.  We have 43 games for The Grambler to choose from this week.  43?  Only 43?  Well, there is a reason for this low figure (other than the usual business of games being on at odd times).  There are another 16 games taking place in Scotland; the 3rd round of the William Hill Scottish Cup.  For some reason I can’t find these on my Bet365 betting site.  How odd.  Can’t understand it at all.

Game – Result – Odds

Fulham vs Manchester United – Home – 9/2

Oh no!  Grambler what are you doing to us?  Yes, we know that Man U have not had the best of starts to the season, but come on, you surely don’t expect Fulham to beat them.  Do you know how long it is since Fulham have won a game against Manchester United?  Ten years!!  In fact some of the current Fulham squad might have played in that game.  My God, they are old.  The average age of the starting 11 that got thumped by Southampton last Saturday was over 28.  Bearing in mind that it included a 21 and a 23 year old, that is an old lineup.

Despite these facts, The Grambler predicts that the Red Devils will come to Craven (or cowardly) Cottage to be beaten by the Cottagers (That’s a rather unfortunate name. Is George Michael a fan?).  Once again I have to ask if The Grambler had a less than sober October to come up with such a crazy prediction.

Manchester United are in a bit of bother regarding a mention of the band New Order (they say) with a swastika-like logo alongside the wording. 
Rather unfortunate to say the least.  They claim it wasn’t meant to cause offence.  We believe you.  Honest, we do.

Bristol City vs Oldham Athletic – Home – Evens

For the second week running The Grambler picks Bristol City for a prediction.  This time they are at their home ground of Ashton Gate.  They really fu… messed it up for us last week, by beating Carlisle 4-2.  Maybe, this is the start of a run.  The Grambler could be right, because, while they have won more games than the Robins, the Latics only seem to win in home encounters.  Is The Grambler on to something?  Or just on something.  We can’t even check on previous games between these two as they haven’t met in seven seasons, City having been relegated from the Championship (or Division 2 in old money) at the end of last season.  What do you reckon?  Do you think The Grambler is right to predict a home win? 
Motherwell link:  Bristol City Midfielder Stephen Pearson began his career at the Mighty 'Well.

Coventry City vs Notts County – Home – 4/6

For our third prediction The Grambler takes us to Sixfields Stadium where the Light Blues play host to the Magpies.  Now, given that Coventry are sitting at number 13 pop pickers and County are down in bottom place and without a manager, you would have to agree that The Grambler has called this one right.  But hold on there, last season’s encounters between these two ended as a draw and a win to Notts County.  Does that alter things in any way?  No.

Did you know that Coventry City FC was originally known as Singer FC because it was formed by employees of that bicycle, and later car, manufacturer?  Isn’t that interesting? [No – Ed]

Bury vs Torquay United – Home – 11/10

For the fourth of our predictions, The Grambler takes us to Gigg Lane Stadium where the Shakers play host to the Seagulls.  Only two points currently separate these two teams; Torquay are in 22nd place on 11 points while Bury are in 19th spot on 13.  Neither team is doing particularly well.  Bury finally won last Saturday after two months without a win and Torquay haven’t won since mid-September.  Maybe, just maybe, Bury will still have the winning feeling and do it again this week.  What do you think?  Does anyone know? [Does anyone care? – Ed]
Right.  It's time for cracking name of the week.  This week it is Bury forward Temitope Ayoluwa 'Tope' Obadeyi.  Not a regular first team player sadly so we probably won't hear the commentators struggling with the pronunciation.  Brilliant name, though.

Inverness Caledonian Thistle vs Kilmarnock – Draw – 13/5

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther we are off to one of the northernmost senior football stadia (I did Latin, you know) where Caley take on Killie (I still haven’t received a consignment of those mouth-wateringly delicious Killie pies.  Mmm…they are so tasty).  After a cracking start to the season Caley seem to have lost their way a bit and, after remaining unbeaten until mid-September, have lost three of their last four games.  Killie, on the other hand, had a terrible start to the season, not winning a game until the 19th of October.  However, they followed that with another so maybe they are back on track.  Caley and Kilmarnock have met 4 times in the past year (that’s how daft it is up here with leagues of 10 and 12 teams) and Caley are just ahead with two wins to Killie’s one and one game drawn.  The Grambler reckons it’ll be a draw;  Hmm, could be right.

Motherwell links: Caley management team Butcher/Malpas.  Forward Richie Foran.  Blah blah blah.  I told you last time The Grambler picked Caley.  What?  You didn’t read that one?  Well, you should have done.  I don’t just do this for the good of my health you know.  No.  I do it for the good of other people’s health; specifically those with bowel cancer.  Which brings me neatly [you call that neat? – Ed] to a link.  Please visit to read a little more about the founder of The Grambler.
Happy grambling.


Sunday 27 October 2013

Week 8 results. Not good. Not good at all...

Not quite belly up, but one win out of five brings in no money at all this week as The Grambler records his/her/its worst week since Week 3 when I first took on the task of reporting The Grambler’s predictions.  What went wrong, do I hear you ask (of course I don’t.  You are where you are and I am here.  I couldn’t possibly hear you.)? Well read on and I shall unravel the day’s proceedings for you.

Yeovil vs Nottingham Forest – Draw – Naw

Righto off we go.  Well, this game sets the pattern for all that follows in that the result goes totally against any sane person’s way of thinking.  I, and many like me, had this one down as a win for Nottingham Forest – Wrong!  The Grambler had it down as a draw – Wrong!  In actual fact Yeovil, who have been struggling big style since moving to this league from Division 1 (or 3!!!) and have been unable to secure a win since day one of the season, proved us all wrong and took all three points in an exciting 3-1 victory over Nottingham Forest.

That afternoon tea with the Glovers didn’t go too well at all - ‘Another scone Mrs Forester?’  ‘F*** off you cow!’

Ed Upson's deflected volley gave Yeovil the lead before Forest's Simon Cox had a penalty saved by Wayne Hennessey.

Upson added another from 25 yards and although Chelsea loanee Nathaniel Chalobah headed in, Yeovil made it 3-1 through a Byron Webster header.

Three goals!  Three!  It is the first time Yeovil have managed to score more than a single goal in any game this season.  It is also the first time their fans have been able to cheer them on in a home match.

Carlisle United vs Bristol City – Home – Naw

See above.  The Grambler and I both saw this as a dead cert for Carlisle seeing as they have been the team that has been doing so well.  Wrong!  I mean, come on, Bristol City are right at the bottom of the table, nobody in their right mind would pick Bristol City (who have not won in 22 – that’s right, 22 – games) to have won this one, but wonders will never cease, win they did in a thrilling 2-4 game.

Sean O'Hanlon's bullet header put Carlisle ahead before half-time.

But Sean O'Driscoll's side hit back with two goals in two minutes from top scorer Emmanuel-Thomas, and Scott Wagstaff's volley made it 3-1.

Liam Noble's powerful drive pulled one back for the hosts but the ex-Arsenal forward Emmanuel-Thomas fired in his third to earn City their first three points since 9th March.  Yep. You read that right – 9th March!

Notts County vs Preston North End – Draw – Naw

This is the first match of our five where I actually thought The Grambler had got it wrong.  Okay, so I got it right, but it isn’t my predictions we are having a punt on, so I have no thoughts of smugness.  The team sane people would have expected to win did win 0-1.  End of.

The aftermath of this game is that Chris Kiwomya has parted company with Notts County after only eight months as the boss.

Kiwomya took temporary charge of the side in February after the departure of Keith Curle and was given a three-year contract in March.  Since taking charge he has presided over 34 games and has the rather poor record of 9 wins, 9 draws and 16 losses.

Saturday’s defeat leaves Notts bottom of the table, with just two wins this season.

Port Vale vs Gillingham – Draw - Naw

Here we go again.  I agreed with The Grambler on this one, but that went for nothing as the in form team won, Port Vale winning the encounter 2-1.  I really thought Gillingham would have got a point here, but hey ho, such is life. 

Danny Kedwell put the visitors in front early on after he nodded in Amine Linganzi's left-wing delivery.

Port Vale equalised after the break when Carl Dickinson flicked on Chris Lines' corner for Chris Robertson to easily bury a close-range header.

Tom Pope then headed onto Dickinson's right-hand cross to snatch the winner for Vale midway into the second half.

Mansfield Town vs Plymouth Argyle – Away –  Aye

And finally Cyril?  And finally Esther The Grambler gets one right.  Too late!  Strangely, it is another of those games that ‘any sane person’ would have predicted to go the way of the team performing the better this season – Mansfield Town.  But no, a last minute goal from Trotman gave Plymouth the points.  I bet the home support was beeling!

To conclude, this is the last Sober October bet.  So I thought it would be fitting to check on Dougie, the local drunkard, to see how he had fared in his attempt at abstinence through the month.  So, Dougie, how did you get on?

‘Kin’ brilliant!  Ah gied up the Buckie fur the hale month.  An’ ah never realised wit ah’d been missing!  There’s Special Brew, cider, sherry, cheap voddie….Ah’m telling ye. ‘Kin’ brilliant!!’

We’ll take that as not very well.

Wednesday 23 October 2013

Week 8 - How's my Grambling?

This week we say goodbye to the late, great – no, just late – Noel Harrison, who was famous for um…being Rex Harrison’s son and…that’s it.  Oh, no.  He was in The Girl From Uncle – stop sniggering at the back – it was a TV programme.  Oh, I nearly forgot – he sang this rather nice toon.

Like a clock whose hands are grambling
Past the minutes on its face
And the world is like an apple
Grambling silently in space
Like the grambles that you find
In the gramblings of your mind

There you are; the theme from that famous film The Thomas Crown Thingie.

Let us gramble.

This week we have a total of 52 games for The Grambler to randomly choose from.  It would have been 66 if 14 other matches hadn’t been scattered around the weekend at various times.  I mean Friday night.  Who wants to watch football on a Friday night?  It’s not natural.  Football is meant to be played at 3pm on a Saturday!  Don’t get me started.

Right, well I have obviously seen what The Grambler has predicted for us this week and what can I say?  Arrrgh! seems appropriate.

Game – Result – Odds

Yeovil vs Nottingham Forest – Draw – 11/4

Righto off we go.  The Grambler’s first selection takes us to Huish Park where the Glovers play host to the Foresters – sounds like two families having afternoon tea – ‘Another scone Mrs Forester?’ ‘Why, thank you, Mrs Glover.’ [Get on with it – Ed] And he/she/it has predicted a draw.  Hmm.  Methinks The Grambler has been at the sherbet again.  Yeovil are sitting slap bang at the bottom of the Championship (Here we go again.  It’s League 2!!!) on 6 points and have won only one game this season and that was on the 10th of August.  Forest, on the other hand, are currently in 4th spot having lost only 3 games out of the 12 played so far.  In The Grambler’s favour is the fact that out of those 12 games, Forest have drawn 5.  Two of those draws were this month, but both were against fiercer opposition than they meet on this occasion.  We can’t even check previous encounters between these two because this is the first time they have met since 2008, Yeovil only gaining promotion to the Championship this year.  Their league position does not lie – they are struggling.  A draw?  I think it is fair to say that The Grambler has got this one totally and completely wrong!

Motherwell link: Nottingham Forest Manager Billy Davies was a player with the ‘Well from 1993-98 making 116 appearances.  In 1998 he was appointed manager and stayed until 2001.  He is a very good friend of Tommy Sheridan (But not such a good friend that he would take part in a threesome.  Definitely not.  No way.  He states that quite categorically.  Through a lawyer and everything.). 

Carlisle United vs Bristol City – Home – 7/4

This is the second week running that The Grambler has selected Carlisle – last week’s prediction of a draw against Oldham went belly up with Oldham taking all the points and Carlisle boss Graham Kavanagh got sent to the stands for being sarky.  He applauded the ref’s decision when it went the way of the Cumbrians.  And the ref sent him to the stands for it.  Twat!  Kavanagh later said, ‘The referee gives an awful decision and then he's completely inconsistent for the rest of his game.’  I’m sorry?  So what you’re saying is that he was making correct decisions for the rest of the game?

Any road up, to this game.  We visit Brunton Park where the Cumbrians play host to the Robins.  The Grambler predicts that this will end in Carlisle’s favour and I have to agree with him/her/it on this one.  Carlisle are on a bit of a run right now – well, if you discount that one game against Oldham – they haven’t been beaten since 7th September and are gradually working their way up the table.  Not bad going.  Bristol, on the other hand, are rooted to the bottom of the table at number 24; their six points coming from six draws – they have yet to win a game.  Yeah.  With The Grambler on this.  Deffo.

Notts County vs Preston North End – Draw – 13/5

For our third selection we head south to the Midlands, to Meadow Lane where the Magpies take on the Whites.  County are having a crap season having only one point more than Bristol City so they are in position number – Can you guess?  Yes 23.  Their 7 points come from two wins and a draw.  So they have lost three quarters of the games they have played.  Preston, however, are sitting pretty in 4th spot having lost only two games.  Do you understand the point I am making here Grambler?  Notts County have lost 9 and Preston have lost 2.  And you think it will end in a draw?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  I think you will have realised - I do not agree.

Cracking names of the week time.  Yes you read that right – names.  Plural.  Seems you don’t get into the Notts County squad without a cracking name so here goes – first up goalies Bartosz Bialkowski and Fabian Spiess, defender Mustapha Dumbuya, midfielders Joss Labadie and Jamal Campbell-Ryce and finally forwards Enoch Showunmi and Romello Nangle.  Those names are just brill!  Unfortunately for Notts County having terrific names does not equate to having a terrific squad.

Motherwell link: Preston’s Chris Humphrey used to play for the Mighty Well.  I told you.  Yes I did.  The last time The Grambler picked Preston.  Do you remember.  I did tell you.  He’s fast.  Have you forgotten?  You’ve got visitors coming soon.  I’ll make you a nice cup of tea when they arrive.  Have you been?

Port Vale vs Gillingham – Draw – 12/5

Next we are off to New Vale Park where the Vale take on the Gills.  The Grambler, for the third time, has predicted a draw.  Hmm.  Interesting one, this.  Port Vale are currently sitting in 12th spot, pop pickers with Gillingham down at 17th.  Not arf.  Both teams won on Tuesday evening, albeit against weaker opposition ie. teams well down the table.  You would think that Port Vale, being higher up the table and with home advantage, ought to win this.  But hold on there.  Gillingham have an interim manager, Peter Taylor, who is desperate for the job to be made permanent.  Perhaps his desire to win could work in the Gills’ favour.  That is why I am sticking my neck out (There you are. That’s a bloody good tortoise impression.) and agreeing with The Grambler on this one [hardly sticking your neck out, then – Ed].  Yep I think a draw is a pretty good prediction.

Mansfield Town vs Plymouth Argyle – Away – 7/2

And finally Cyril?  And finally Esther we head to Field Mill where the Stags play host to the Pilgrims.  The Grambler has gone for an away win on this one.  The Stags, who have only this season been promoted to Division 2 (It's f*%*@*g Division 4!!!) currently sit 7th in the table and the Pilgrams are a little bit lower in – oh bugger – 19th.  Come on Grambler, what are you doing to us?  There’s Mansfield who have lost only three games so far this season against Argyle who have won only two.  And you reckon that Plymouth Argyle can take all three points.  Nope!  No chance.

Here’s an interesting fact – Obviously, the Pilgrims are named after the religious mob the Pilgrim Fathers who colonised the New World in 1620, well Mansfield Town also have a religious connection – they were founded in 1897 as Mansfield Wesleyans.  Isn’t that interesting? [obviously your interpretation of the word ‘interesting’ is the same as everyone else’s for ‘boring’ – Ed]


I reckon the odds tell the whole story.  We haven’t a hope in hell this week.  If all five results as predicted by the grambler come up the odds are over 567/1.  That means for my 20 pee stake The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund would receive £113.60.  That is ludicrous and I can assure you it just will not happen.  No, I am not being pessimistic – just realistic.

What, I hear you ask, about the cowardy bet?  I don’t really hear you ask.  Don’t worry those of you of a nervous disposition, I’m not hiding behind the couch listening to you asking about the cowardy bet.  That would be silly as well as a bit creepy.  Well, even that (if all selections come up) gives us crazy odds of over 125/1.  That means a huge possible return of £25.76.  Nonsense.  It will not win.  It just won’t.  Okay, maybe a couple of bets will come up, possibly three, but all five?  Doubt it.

So this is what you could do.  You could take on the bet as I have [Pillock! – Ed] or you could be ultra-cowardly and simply donate your ‘stake money’ to and that means it goes straight to that wonderful charity the Bobby Moore Fund which is trying hard to kick cancer’s arse.  Specifically bowel cancer’s arse, which is rather apt.

But then you will have that niggling doubt.  What if.  What if The Grambler has got it right?  What if I put that £2.20 bet on and it came up?  That would mean a return £139.36!  Woo hoo!

Fellow gramblers – the decision is yours.
Before I go - How's my Grambling?
I know there are many readers of The Grambler from all over the world - and other places.  So, I would welcome your feedback.  You can contact me at .  I Look forward to reading your messages.

Saturday 19 October 2013

Week 7 Results - Must try harder

Before we start, can I just tell you that I have today witnessed the most spectacular debut performance I have ever seen from any player.  Ever.  Craig Moore came off the Motherwell bench midway through the second half when the Jambos were one up.  He was barely on the park and hadn’t even touched the ball when it fell to him and with his first touch he sent it screaming from 22 yards into the back of the net.  First game.  First kick.  Goal.  Beat that Roy of the Rovers!

Right, to business.  The question on everybody’s lips is - Why do we care whether a panda is pregnant or not?  No?  Wrong question.  The question on everybody’s lips is – Did we win any dosh for The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund?  Well, I can answer this question in two ways.  I could say ‘yes’ or I could say ‘no’.  And do you know what?  Both answers are correct.  You see only two out of the five predictions were correct; therefore, only one double gave us a return.  And that return was the staggering sum of  £1.38.  So yes The Grambler did technically win some money but, as the bet itself cost £2.20 we are down 82 of your British pees.

How did it happen?  Read on and all shall be revealed.

Oldham Athletic vs Carlisle United – Draw – Naw (Just thought I would revert to the original way of delivering the news be it good or bad)

The Grambler had this one down for a draw, which given Oldham’s recent lack of form looked to be a reasonable prediction, but it was not to be.  Adam Rooney's penalty ended Oldham's six-match winless run in League One and condemned Graham Kavanagh to a first defeat as manager of Carlisle United. Rooney was fouled by Conor Townsend in the area and converted the resulting spot-kick for the game's only goal.

Visiting keeper Mark Gillespie kept out efforts from Latics trio Millar, Dayton and Wesolowski.  Sounds like a firm of lawyers.

At the other end, Oxley made a brilliant save to deny Lee Miller's close-range header late on.

A frustrated Kavanagh was sent to the stands by referee Mark Heywood in the second half for sarcastically applauding a decision by the match officials.  Refs are touchy buggers aren’t they?

Former Tottenham and France defender Pascal Chimbonda, who signed a three month contract on Friday, played the full 90 minutes for the Cumbrians.  Didn’t do them much good then.

Portsmouth vs Bury – Home – 10/11 - Aye

Wow.  The Grambler got this right.  Portsmouth's unlikely goal hero Bondz N'Gala scored again to pile more misery on managerless Bury in a 1-0 win.
N'Gala scored two headers against Rochdale in Pompey's last home game and rose highest once more to guide a Ricky Holmes out-swinging corner past Brian Jensen after just four minutes.  That means he has scored 3 goals in as many weeks.  He had only scored 3 career goals prior to these and that was since 2008!
Bury, who are now without a win in seven and sacked Kevin Blackwell on Monday, had their best chance of the half in the first minute but Harrad couldn't put away a Beeley cross.
Defender N'Gala almost went from hero to zero after 27 minutes but referee Carl Berry deemed his high and late lunge on debutant Danny Hylton only worthy of a yellow card.
The Shakers, currently in the hands of stand-in boss Ronnie Jepson, improved after the break and could have been level 10 minutes into the second half but for a Phil Smith save to deny a close-range Harrad header.
The visitors dominated the second half but after Hylton and substitute Anton Forrester missed good chances, they almost conceded again when Jed Wallace hit the post late-on.  Do I care?  The Grambler got it right.  That’s all that matters

Kilmarnock vs Ross County – Away – 9/5 - Naw

The Grambler got this one totally wrong but, come on, Kilmarnock haven’t won a game this season, who can blame him/her/it for suggesting that they wouldn’t win this one.  Shock!  Kilmarnock win a game.  Even bigger shock – Kris Boyd scored.
Kris Boyd had initially given the hosts the lead, angling the ball away from Mark Brown under pressure from Michael Gardyne.  Actually, Boyd has scored before; he is just not the goal machine he once was.
Then, blow me down, he nearly scored again when another effort skited (a great word that isn’t it) off the underside of the bar.
But it was Jackson Irvine's strike from a short free-kick that emphatically sealed the points for Killie.

Thanks very much Kilmarnock!  Could you not have just carried on losing for one more game?  Do you know how much you lost The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund by actually winning? No? No, neither have I, but it was literally some money.  Literally.

 Hamilton Academicals vs Raith Rovers – Draw – Aye

For our fourth prediction The Grambler gave us a draw between the Accies and Raith Rovers.  And guess what – he/she/it got it right

James Keatings put Accies in the lead with a shot fired low past David McGurn just after the half hour mark.

A second bookable offence led to Rovers defender Dougie Hill being sent off three minutes later.

The visitors came close to equalising 10 minutes into the second half when Greig Spence cut inside from the right wing, forcing Kevin Cuthbert to parry it away.

Rovers almost went two down when Ali Crawford forced a good save out of McGurn.

 However, Michael Devlin brought down Gordon Smith and Calum Elliot (Yay, sort of) scored from the penalty spot to level it for ten man Rovers.

Dundee narrowed the gap at the top of the Championship to one point with victory over Queen of the South.  Yeah, yeah, whatever.  As long as The Grambler got it right.

East Stirlingshire vs Queen’s Park – Home – Naw

And finally Esther The Grambler predicted a home win for this game and given that the Shire are at the top of the division and the Spiders at the bottom, this should have been the biggest certainty of the day

Both sides failed to take goalscoring opportunities in an open first-half.

It was the home side who went ahead when Michael McGowan found the bottom corner of Lucas Birinstinfil's (Not the crackingest name of the week, just the most unpronounceable) net on 51 minutes.

And as 90 minutes approached it looked as if The Grambler had got three out of five right and we could expect a sizable return on our wee bet.

But no. The visitors weren’t content to enable a fund set up to seek a cure for bowel cancer to receive a bit of money.  Oh no.  They had to try and score. And finally, with virtually the last kick of the ball they did score - through Blair Spittal's right-footed effort - his fourth goal in three matches. Bastard!  Oops sorry.  I’m sure he’s a very nice chap.

So Queen’s Park doubled their points tally to er… two.  Only poor old Sunderland have made a worse start to the season. I suppose hearts on minus 7 aren’t doing too well either, but at least they have won a game or two.

So there you have it folks.  Not the best day’s Grambling, but hey ho. Let’s all reconvene next week when things might improve a bit.

Before I go – Do you think Craig Moore’s wonder debut will be on the back pages of the Scottish press tomorrow?  Or will it be Keith Lennon (If I don’t see you through the week, I’ll see you you through the keyhole; I know whur you live.) bleating on about his beloved team being denied all three points by a) dodgy refereeing or b) playing against a team which played as well, if not better than Celtic.  Delete as applicable.  Well, delete b) anyway.


Friday 18 October 2013

Week 7 - A-Grambling we will go

Question: Why is Big Wean Rooney wearing that stupid looking black headband?  He takes it off at the end of every game and there isn’t a mark on him; so why?  Is it to prevent his hairweave getting damaged if he heads the ball?  Wimp.  I heard the whole team is a bunch of wimps.  Apparently, they all got a touch of the sniffles so the team was renamed Man Flu-nited.  Boom boom!  Hey that is worthy of our esteemed founder that one is.  Anyway, time for a song -

I love to go a-grambling
Along the mountain track
And as I go, I love to sing
My knapsack on my back
Grambleee, grambleah
Grambleee, grambleah,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha.  Ho ho ho.  Hee hee hee etc. etc. ad infinitum

Thank you the Obi wan kenobekirchen Children’s Choir who start us off this week with a happy toon.  Why so happy?  Because last week’s Grambler predictions gave us a fine return of 14 point zero 8 of your British pounds.  And that made The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund happy which in turn made the Bobby Moore Fund happy.  So everybody’s happy!

Will this week’s predictions make everyone so happy?  There is only one way to find out…

GRAMBLE!!! (Even Harry Hill’s getting in on the act)

This week we are able to choose from 56 games.  Only 56, I hear you ask (I don’t really hear you. How could I hear all 7 of you at once. That would be silly! Mind you we could all be in the same room.  But then, some of you would have to have travelled across continents to get here.  A rather expensive way of taking what I say literally, don’t you think.).  But last week there were 71 to choose from.  Why so few?  Well, dear reader, I make it a point that the only games for The Grambler to select from are those in the senior leagues (Yes, I know. But last week was an exception.) and only those which kick off at 3pm on a Saturday.  Yes Saturday Mr Sky.  3pm Mr BT.  Not Friday evening, not Saturday evening, not Sunday at any time and definitely not Monday evening.  3pm Saturday.  Not any other time.  Do you know how many Premiership games are on this Saturday, the 19th of October at 3pm?  Six!  Six!!  Can you believe that?  Out of a possible 12 games only six take place at what is the traditional and, in my view, correct time of 3pm on a Saturday.  The rest are earlier, later or on Sunday.  Flipping TV companies!  I don’t know!  They think they can give these clubs millions upon millions of pounds and expect to get something in return!  Soooo selfish.

Game – Result – Odds

Oldham Athletic vs Carlisle United – Draw – 5/2

The first prediction from The Grambler takes us to Boundary Park where the Latics (short for Athletic.  Why not Letics, then?  That would make more sense.) play host to the Cumbrians.  The Grambler reckons that Oldham can take a point from this game and why not?  Having drawn two of their past three games, it’s a possibility.  They are not a team used to winning, having won only twice this campaign; the last time being on the 24th of August.  Carlisle, on the other hand, are on a bit of a run right now with their past four games being three wins and a draw.  The teams seem fairly evenly matched; Carlisle currently sit 15th in the table with Oldham four places down at 19.  At the end of last season just two places separated them (Carlisle 17th and Oldham 19th).  Previous meetings between these clubs are also evenly matched – over the past dozen games (Why a dozen, you ask?  Why not, I answer.  It’s as good a number as any.) Carlisle just edge it with 4 wins to Oldham’s 3.  That leaves 5 draws.  Another draw today would make us and The Grambler very happy.  However, last season’s meetings finished with Carlisle the victors on both occasions.  Can they keep it going this season?  Hmm.

Portsmouth vs Bury – Home – 10/11

Not them again!  Yes we are off to Fratton Park where Pompey play host to the Shakers.  The Grambler seems to like Portsmouth; third time they have been selected in five weeks.  He/she/it has yet to predict that Portsmouth would lose.  Like the last prediction, The Grambler reckons that they will win and who can doubt it after what happened?  Remember the resounding 3-0 victory against Rochdale two weeks ago?  It is quite possible given that Bury are as crap as Portsmouth – they both got relegated from Division 1 (Or 3 if you live in the real world.  Premiership indeed.  Has nobody realised that premier means first?  As in first division!).  Sorry.  My usual rant.  I do apologise.  Where was I?  Oh yes, both teams are crap.  Yes.  Let us just hope that Portsmouth are the less crappy in this one.

Motherwell link: Yassin Moutaouakil – used to play for the ‘Well.  Told you that two weeks ago.  You remember?  You do.  The fans sung the View to a Kill song.  I told you.  The James Bond theme.  I did tell you.

Kilmarnock vs Ross County – Away – 9/5

Our third selection takes us north of the border to the land of kilts, shortbread and entrepreneurs who can sell such tat to the visiting English.  And it’s off to Rugby Park where Killie (Home of the famous Killie pie.  Mmm.  They’re delicious.  Now available at a store near you.  I don’t get paid for this, you know.  So, if anyone wants to let the Killie pie company know that I am promoting their absolutely mouth-wateringly scrummy pies, I don’t mind.  Might get a freebie or two out of it.) play host to the Staggies.  Are you looking Watford fans?  Their emblem has a stag on it so they are called the Staggies.  Not the wasps or bees.  Bloody great moose on your emblem and you call your club the Hornets?  I don’t know, I really don’t.  Sorry, getting carried away there [You should be – Ed].  Right, to business; The Grambler has predicted that County will beat Kilmarnock.  Hmm.  Last season’s three meetings went twice in Kilmarnock’s favour with 1-0 and 3-0 scorelines and the other game was a 0-0 draw.  So, going by that, it would seem unlikely that Ross County would win this.  But, judging by the way this season has started, The Grambler might well have this one correct.  Kilmarnock sit in 11th place on a measly three points, still to win a game.  Only the fact that Hearts began the season on minus 15 points and have so far only clawed back 8 of them keeps Killie from bottom spot.  Ross County haven’t had a great start to this campaign either, but they have at least got a taste of winning having taken maximum points three times so far.  Yes, I think I am with The Grambler on this one.

Motherwell links: Ross County’s manager Derek Adams played for the ‘Well from 1998 to 2004 making 159 appearances and scored 19 goals.  Brian McLean played in defence for Motherwell between 2005 and 2009.  Goalkeeper Mark Brown Spent a couple of seasons with the ‘Well from 2001-02.  He only played 19 games though;  Stevie ‘Teflon’ Woods was number one choice throughout his stay.  Talking of goalies, Ross County second choice Michael Fraser also spent some time at Motherwell – mainly sitting on the bench – thanks to the arrival first of John Ruddy (sometime England international) and then Darren Randolph (Ireland international).  No wonder he moved on!  And we’re not done yet.  Defender Steven Saunders began his career with Motherwell in 2008 and was getting a regular start until injury problems.  This year he was finally released and moved to Ross County.  Blimey, half the squad is ex-Motherwell.

Hamilton Academicals vs Raith Rovers – Draw – 13/5

The fourth of The Grambler’s predictions takes us to New Douglas Park where the Accies play host to the Rovers.  Did you know Hamilton Acedemicals are the only British professional football side to have originated from a school football team.  Did you also know that there is no such place as Raith?  At least not related to this football team.  They come from Kirkaldy.  How interesting…yawn.  This looks like an interesting encounter, though.  Accies have had a brilliant start to the season winning 6, drawing 2 and losing only 1 and sit top of the table.  Rovers have not had too bad a start either losing only 1 of the 8 so far played and sit in 4th spot.  Both teams are free scoring this season – Rovers have scored 15, Accies 13 – but Accies are better defensively, having shipped only 4 compared to Rovers 10.  How did results go in previous meetings?  The last two times they played Hamilton won both games 2-0.  The two games prior to that went Rovers’ way 1-0 and 2-0.  Accies finished last season only two spots above Rovers.  Two evenly matched teams then but, the way Accies are playing at the moment, I would reckon the home advantage will see them take all points.  But, hey, what do I know?  The Grambler has humbled me a few times over the past few weeks – if he/she/it has got it right again, I am happy to be humbled.  Again.

Motherwell link: Rovers forward Callum Elliott spent some time with the ‘Well back in 2006 when he was loaned out by the Jambos.

East Stirlingshire vs Queen’s Park – Home – 8/11

And Finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther (Now do you understand what I am on about?  No?  Oh well, that’s life I suppose.) The Grambler takes us to Ochilview Park (yes, Stenhousemuir’s ground.  East Stirling groundshare with them.) where the Shite…sorry, Shire play host to the Spiders.  Now last time The Grambler picked Queen’s Park they were slap bang at the bottom of Scottish Division 2 (4!) and on that very day they picked up their first point.  Where are they now?  Er…sitting at the bottom of Division 2 (4!) on one point.  Can this be the same Queen’s Park that finished last season in 3rd place.  What of East Stirlingshire?  They finished last season in 10th place (of 10) so they must be pretty crappy too…Oh, currently sitting at the top, eh?  Hmm.  Amazing though it may seem, the Shire have had a brilliant start to this season – 7 played, won 5, lost 2.  They must be getting dizzy being that high in the league!  In fact, in seven games so far this season they have amassed almost twice as many points as the East Stirlingshire team managed in a full season of 36 games back in 2004 – during their spell of propping up the league five years running – when they got a grand total of 8 points.  No doubt their nickname was indeed the Shite back then.  That was then, things are different now and in my humble opinion, The Grambler has called it right.  Come on the Shite!

Well, there you have five predictions and no clunkers amongst ‘em.  Unfortunately, by playing it a bit safer this week The Grambler has kept the actual odds quite low.  Notice there are no 5/1s or 6/1s in there.  So the odds this week are a fairly low (no fanfare required) 116/1.

Of course there is the cowardy bet – you know 10 doubles – which, if The Grambler gets everything spot on will give odds of 71/1.

Thus, if my 20p accumulator and 20p doubles bet comes off, it will net The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Fund £37.61. 

Not exactly a fortune, but if we all won and put that money into the fund….

And so ends another week’s Grambling.  I am going to end on a sober note.  Hic.  I have been reading through Stewart’s (our esteemed founder) posts and happened upon the one he wrote on the 12th of January.  It was written the day after he was told that he had only days, perhaps hours, to live.  It is poignant, yes.  It is written by someone who thought this would be his final post.  But it is still full of humour – the payoff is perfect.  Please read and smile.  And realise that this was written by a 27 year-old man dying of bowel cancer - a disease that the government tells us should be checked out by over 50s.  Tell everyone you know about Stewart.  Tell them that young people can get bowel cancer too.  Add that 21 teenagers are diagnosed with bowel cancer every year.  See

And while you're about it, get everyone you know to read and learn from this blog.