Friday, 30 September 2022

Post 460 - A hefty gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

WARNING: THIS WEEK’S (G)RAMBLE IS NEITHER PC NOR WOKE AND MAY OFFEND SOME INDIVIDUALS... ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO ARE A LITTLE ON THE HEFTY SIDE... WELL, A LOT ON THE HEFTY SIDE.

I was on a bus the other day. [Really? How very interesting. Yawn. - Ed.] Hang on. Don't yawn. It was the first time I had ever been on an electrically powered vehicle. So it was interesting in that respect. Actually, although the power unit was silent, the journey was still full of the creaks and groans that you get from all buses, so it really wasn't a particularly quiet journey.

Something did intrigue me about this particular brand-spanking-new bus; over each front wheel were two seats, one facing forward, one backward. So far, so boring. What caught my attention about these seats was their width. They weren't quite wide enough to seat two people but far too wide for one. Seats designed for two children? Then it dawned on me, these are bariatric seats designed to suit obese people.

Now, that really annoyed me. You all know my view on obesity. It is this: you only get one life, give yourself a chance. If you are starting to put on a few pounds, try and lose those pounds before it gets out of hand. I think of obesity in the same way I think of those other addictions: drugs, alcohol and fags.

Once you are addicted to something, your health is going to suffer. Instead of being addicted to drugs, obese people are addicted to unhealthy food.

They say a little of what you fancy does you good. The odd ciggie, an occasional drink... not so sure about recreational drugs... are okay. The same goes for food. Eat the good stuff like veg and fruit and reserve the bad foods like chocolate and cakes for an occasional treat.

Smokers are treated like lepers these days and are made to stand outside buildings to indulge in their habit. I think the same should happen to anyone who eats too much. I don't mean force them to stand out in the rain to eat a bar of chocolate; that would be daft. No, as life has been made uncomfortable for smokers, the same should happen to obese people.

We are told what our weight ought to be; in my view, anyone who is well over that recommended weight should be 'persuaded' to get down to that size. How? Money. We should be charged extra if we are overweight. I've alluded to this before by suggesting that aeroplane passengers be charged extra not only for excess baggage, but also for excess weight. Well, I would like to see the same approach adopted wherever possible.

Would it encourage people to lose weight? Possibly, possibly not; maybe they would be more likely to get depressed and eat more chocolate than ever to cheer themselves up.

How about this scenario?

Imagine a restaurant where a portly individual has finished their main course...

Diner: 'Excuse me, could I see the dessert menu?'

Waiter: 'Don't you think you have had enough, sir?'

Diner: 'I beg your pardon?'

Waiter: 'I think you've had enough; you really should go home.'

Diner: 'But I want a dessert.  I demand a dessert!’

Waiter: ‘I’m afraid your meal so far has exceeded the daily allowance for an adult male, I can’t allow you to eat any more. More than my job’s worth.’

Or how about all ‘naughty’ foods being hidden behind a blind in supermarkets, the way cigarettes are now (not) displayed? On any package containing sweets or biscuits or any such ‘treats’ there should be no picture other than, again like cigarettes, a view of the dreadful things that can happen to you if you consume the product. It could be accompanied by a government warning about all the diseases attributable to eating such unhealthy food.

Too much? Maybe. One thing that definitely should not happen (in my view), is that we pander to obesity and that means getting rid of those seats on the bus. Ditto the wide wheelchairs that are now provided for hospital patients. Ditto the wide seat that podiatrists have to provide. It's all wrong.

Yes, I'm being anti woke. Yes, I think obesity is wrong. But come on you fatties out there, lose some weight. You know it makes sense.

I will finish with my favourite fattist (Is that a word?) joke. It's an oldie that I remember seeing on Naked Video from around 30 years ago. It was just Elaine C. Smith to camera...

'I'm not really fat. It's glandular. I've got a gland that makes me a greedy bastard.'

It wouldn’t be allowed nowadays, but I liked it.


 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 24th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

A. P. Herbert 1890 - humorist, novelist, playwright, law reformist, and Member of Parliament. In fact, a right old smartyboots. He wrote Misleading Cases in the Common Law for Punch magazine. In 1967, these were adapted for television as A. P. Herbert’s Misleading Cases. [What an imaginative title. - Ed.]

Bessie Braddock 1899 - Politician. She is reported to have had the following exchange with Winston Churchill.

BB: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.”

WC: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

It was supposed to have taken place one night in 1946 when Churchill was leaving the House of Commons. Did it happen? It’s doubtful, because it was a gag that had been doing the rounds as far back as 1880, way before Braddock and Churchill’s time. It’s a story you just want to be true, though, because it was such a good riposte from old Winnie.

You’re no’ bad looking, hen (Hic!).

 

Renee Roberts 1908 - Actress. Miss Ursula Gatsby in Fawlty Towers.

Peggy Spencer 1920 - Dancer.

John Moffatt 1922 - Actor. Lord Merlin in Love in a Cold Climate.

Hugh Cross 1925 - Actor. Mr Brown in Just William, the one with Bonnie Langford thcreaming and thcreaming until she was thick.

Geoffrey Wheeler 1930 - Broadcaster. Questionmaster on Top of the Form.

Mike Parkes 1931 - Racey car bloke.

Stanley Lebor 1934 - Actor. Howard Hughes in Ever Decreasing Circles.

Robert Lang 1934 - Actor. Sir Roland White in Old Boy Network.

Maurice Colbourne 1939 - Actor. Tom Howard in Howard’s Way.

Mike Berry 1942 - Actor and singer. Mr. Spooner in Are You Being Served? He also had a few hit records. Here’s his first, a record which was banned by the Beeb Beeb Ceeb for being too morbid, A Tribute to Buddy Holly.

Gerry Marsden 1942 - Musician. Had a few hits with his Pacemakers. Here’s a slow one you can sing along to, Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying.

Sandra Payne 1944 - Actress. Janet Cooper in The Newcomers.

Pat Pocock 1946 - Crickety bloke.

Nigel Watson 1947 - Musician. He worked with Peter Green after he left Fleetwood Mac and helped Green form the Peter Green Splinter Group. Here’s an early collaboration, Beasts of Burden.

Harvey Bainbridge 1949 - Musician. One-time keyboardist with Hawkwind. Would you like a clip? Here’s a short piece he wrote called Shade Gate.

Phil Boersma 1949 - Footy bloke.

Harriet Walter 1950 - Actress. Veronique in This Is Going to Hurt. She’s a dame, apparently. I’d have thought she was too serious to be in panto.

Martin Sixsmith 1954 - Author, journalist and broadcaster.

Helen Lederer 1954 - Comedienne.

Murdo MacLeod 1958 - Fitba guy.

Jack Dee 1961 - Comedian.

Mike Phelan 1962 - Footy bloke.

Ally McCoist 1962 - Fitba guy. Polomint City’s most famous son.

Jaye Griffiths 1963 - Actress. Elle Gardner in Casualty.

Gary McSwegan 1970 - Fitba guy.

Peter Salisbury 1971 - Drummy bloke with The Verve. Let’s have a clip. Here’s an early single, All In The Mind.

Craig Burley 1971 - Fitba guy.

Finty Williams 1972 - Actress. The voice of Angelina Mouseling in Angelina Ballerina and its various spinoffs. Daughter of Judi Dench and Michael Williams. I wonder what made her enter the business of show?

Carl Hutchings 1974 - Footy bloke.

Steven Meo 1977 - Actor. Grant in Grownups.

Victoria Pendleton 1980 - Bicyclist.

Anna Calvi 1980 - Singer/songwriter. Have a clip. Here’s Desire.

Richard Brittain 1983 - Fitba guy.

Now then, what about the 1st of October?

Henry III 1207 - The well-known king.

Stanley Holloway 1890 - Actor, comedian, singer, poet and monologist. In fact, another right old smarty boots. His career began in a show that would, nowadays, be considered as politically incorrect as it is possible to be. This was in 1910, though, and the show was called The White Coons Show. Oh dear. Luckily, it wasn’t banned and Holloway’s career blossomed. In 1928, he began performing monologues featuring the character called Sam Small, beginning with Sam, Sam, Pick oop thy Musket. Would you like a little clip? Of course you would. Let’s have one that didn’t feature Sam, Recumbent Posture.

Michael Goodliffe 1914 - Actor. Jack Barraclough in Sam.

Sandy Gall 1927 - Journalist and news presenter.

Laurence Harvey 1928 - Actor. Joe Lampton in Room at the Top.

Geoff Stephens 1934 - Songwriter and record producer. He formed The New Vaudeville Band in 1966 to record his novelty song, Winchester Cathedral.

Julie Andrews 1935 - Actress and singer. She became a big star on Broadway when she performed the role of Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. Here’s a clip of her singing Wouldn't It Be Loverly in 1961.

Duncan Edwards 1936 - Footballer. One of Manchester United’s ‘Busby Babes’, he was one of eight players who died as a result of an aircrash at Munich-Riem Airport in 1958.

Geoffrey Whitehead 1939 - Actor. 135 credits on IMDb from 1962 to the present day. Geoffrey in Not Going Out.

Rob Davis 1947 - Musician and songwriter. He was guitarist for Mud. Have a clip. Here’s Tiger Feet. Rob’s the one with the crazy dress and earrings... Was this an early example of gender fluidity?

Martin Turner 1947 - Musician. Founding member of Wishbone Ash. Here’s an early toon, Hometown.

John Hegley 1953 - Poet and musician. Here’s a little toon, Eddie Don't Like Furniture.

Theresa May 1956 - Politician. Turns out she wasn’t such a bad Prime Minister, after all... compared to those that followed.

Martin Cooper 1958 - Musician. He was a member of Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark from 1980 to 1989. He co-wrote this one, Souvenir.

Paul Walsh 1962 - Footy bloke.

Eric Black 1963 - Fitba guy.

Harry Hill 1964 - Comedian.

Abigail Thaw 1965 - Actress. Dorothea Frazil in Endeavour.

Mark Durden-Smith 1968 - TV presenter. Son of Judith Chalmers and Neil Durden-Smith.

Charles Edwards 1969 - Actor. Martin Charteris in The Crown.

Richard Oakes 1976 - Musician. Bernard Butler’s replacement in Suede. Would you like a clip? Of course you would. Here’s the first single that featured Oakes on guitar, Trash.

Rupert Friend 1981 - Actor, screenwriter, director and Lyricist. Another right old... Vasily in The Death of Stalin.

Emerald Fennell 1985 - Actress, film maker and writer. Nurse Patsy Mount in Call the Midwife.

Lionel Ainsworth 1987 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Mason Greenwood 2001 - Footy bloke.

Jade Mulvaney 2002 - Actress. Amy Barlow in Coronation Street.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Grambley Marsden,

It was interesting to hear the song Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying, a record that wasn’t even released as a single in Britain. Apparently, it reached the lower reaches of the US charts. Here’s a teaser for you: which song reached number 1 in Canada, number 9 in Australia and number 14 in the US but only reached number 15 in the UK?

Yours knowledgably,

Albie Thair.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare the last time we had a flutter (They can’t touch you for it.)? Not very well. 64 pees back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

Burnley vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Burnley 2 Bristol City 1

Yay!

The Clarets only needed four minutes to go in front when Manuel Benson drilled in from just inside the area.

But Bristol City soon found an equaliser.

Kal Naismith's corner was not cleared and the ball reached Nahki Wells, who scored from barely a yard out.

There was a good flow to the match as Robins goalkeeper Dan Bentley denied Ian Maatsen at one end and Aro Muric kept out Rob Atkinson and Wells at the other.

For Burnley’s second, substitute Johann Berg Gudmundsson delivered the cross and there was Jay Rodriguez with a pinpoint header into the far corner.

Joe Williams almost had a second equaliser for City, stopped only by another save from Muric.

 

Middlesbrough vs Rotherham - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 0 Rotherham 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Duncan Watmore went closest to scoring for the hosts soon after the break, clipping a shot against the post which rolled agonisingly along the goalline to safety.

Isaiah Jones should have done better than steer a low effort into the side netting when teed up by Watmore in the best chance of the first half.

The Millers failed to muster a singe shot on target throughout the game.

 

Accrington Stanley vs Cheltenham - Home win

Result - Accrington Stanley 1 Cheltenham 0

Yay!

Sean McConville's goal after just 30 seconds gave Accrington Stanley victory over Cheltenham Town.

The Robins kicked off but Stanley got the ball, Tommy Leigh flicked it on and Shaun Whalley crossed for McConville to tap home.

The Reds had chances to increase their lead but Liam Coyle fired a shot inches wide and the unmarked Whalley was denied by the legs of goalkeeper Luke Southwood.

It was all Stanley in terms of first-half chances and, towards the end of the half, McConville's strike found Harvey Rodgers and the ball came back off the woodwork.

McConville had a header kept out by Southwood at the start of the second half but Cheltenham looked livelier after the break and Ryan Broom's effort was deflected wide.

The Robins put their record goalscorer Alfie May on and Doug Tharme headed a May shot off the line in the final minutes.

 

Forest Green vs Morecambe - Home win

Result - Forest Green 1 Morecambe 2

Boo!

A Connor Wickham moment of magic handed Forest Green the lead on the half-hour.

But Kieran Phillips levelled the game up on the stroke of half-time before Farrend Rawson popped up at the death.

The Shrimps came close to breaking the deadlock on 19 minutes when Phillips' mesmerising run ended with the ball hitting the underside of the bar and bouncing into the gloves of Luke McGee.

The game was crying out for a moment of quality and Wickham delivered it, scoring on the angle from 25 yards over the floundering Ripley from Corey O'Keeffe's assist.

Before the break, Rawson drew a save from McGee and then Phillips brought the best out of the Rovers keeper, who was seconds later left flailing as Phillips restored parity.

McGee's fingertip save from Cole Stockton's fizzing strike and then Ripley's block from Wickham were part of an electric start to the second half.

Moments later, Regan Hendry's ball into the box found the head of Dom Bernard, who was thwarted by Ripley.

The game appeared to be fizzling out, but Rawson pinched it for the Shrimps, nodding in from a Jensen Weir free-kick on 93 minutes.

 

Oxford Utd vs M K Dons - Home win

Result - Oxford Utd 1 M K Dons 2

Boo!

Will Grigg stepped off the bench to clinch a battling away win for MK Dons at Oxford.

The striker netted from the penalty spot having been fouled in the box by Simon Eastwood six minutes from time.

Matt Smith's right-footed strike had put the visitors ahead a minute before the break with a smart finish.

But it was Grigg who sealed the result late on with his clinical finish from the spot, before John Mousinho bagged an 89th-minute consolation.

Cameron Brannagan went close to snatching a draw in the fifth minute of stoppage-time, but his shot from the edge of the box flew over.

 

Rubbish or what. Let’s see what The Grambler has come up with this week. Oh no! He/she/it has randomly selected away results for all five games. We’re doomed, Captain Mainwaring, doomed.

Game - Result - Odds

Crystal Palace vs Chelsea - Away win - 10/11

Blackpool vs Norwich - Away win - 17/20

Port Vale vs Sheffield Wed - Away win - 19/20

Crawley Town vs Stevenage - Away win - 5/6

Hamilton vs Dundee - Away win - 10/11

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.90

Now, you know I like occasionally equate that sum to its equivalent year. Yes, I know it’s silly. I like doing silly. Any road up, while looking for an event from 1190 I found that a German nobleman died that year. [And? - Ed.] His name was Dedi III. [Your point is, caller? - Ed.] I thought it was apt for this week’s topic; he was known as Dedi the Fat.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Leeds in 1986. I am versatile, having played as a midfielder, winger and full-back. I began my senior career at Leeds, making my first-team debut at 16 and, at the time, was the youngest player to score in the Premier League. Apart from a brief loan spell at Swindon Town, all my career has been in the Premier League. After Leeds, I made moves to Newcastle, Aston Villa, Manchester City and, my current club, Liverpool.

Answer - James Milner

2. What do Mario Zagallo, Franz Beckenbauer and Didier Deschamps have in common?

Answer - They have all won the World Cup as both a player and a manager.

3. Name the coach who managed - East Stirlingshire, St. Mirren, Aberdeen, Scotland and Manchester United.

Answer - Sir Alex Ferguson

4. Which Australian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Mark Schwarzer

5. Which club plays at Banks’s Stadium?

Answer - Walsall

Shall we have five for this week? Yes, let’s...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Perugia, Italy in 1968. A striker, I began and ended my career at my local club Perugia Calcio but, in between, I played for nine other clubs: Avelino, Casertana, Reggiana, Juventus, Middlesbrough, Marseille, Lazio, Derby County and Dundee. I was capped 22 times for Italy. I was nicknamed ‘The White Feather’ because of my prematurely white hair.

2. What do André Villas-Boas, Antonio Conte, Glenn Hoddle and José Mourinho have in common?

3. Name the coach who managed - AFC Bournemouth, West Ham, Portsmouth, Southampton, Portsmouth again, Tottenham Hotspur, QPR, Jordan and Birmingham City.

4. Which South African player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which English club plays at the New York Stadium?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr H. Hill for our final item of the week. Or should that be Dr. Hill? Prior to his career in comedy, birthday boy Harry Hill was a medical doctor. In this clip, he reveals why he didn’t feel that he was making the right career choice.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 17 September 2022

Post 459 - Swim, grambler, swim

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] ahem... talking in a local accent was frowned upon. Us schoolkids were discouraged from using Glaswegian expressions. We actually used to have a period each week with an elocution teacher. I can picture her now, an older woman with blue rinsed hair and far too much makeup. Her name was Mrs Gerber and she was trying to get us to talk correctly. Well, her version of correctly. She would make us say the words, 'swim, swan, swim'. Her pronunciation was something like 'sweem, swan, sweem'. Our pronunciation was more like 'swum, swan, swum'. Broad Glaswegian. She asked me to say it and, had I used my own accent, I would have said swim, swan, swim, because I didn't talk with a Glaswegian twang, but for her benefit, I adopted one and joined everybody else by saying 'swum, swan, swum'. She left us with a shake of her blue rinsed hairdo obviously believing us to be a lost cause.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it seems that, these days, with regional accents disappearing, local ways of talking are positively encouraged. I thought, why not. So, sweem, swan, sweem...

Is it a wee story yiz are waanting? Here's a good yin fur yeez.

There's this wee duck, right? A right ugly wee cu... thing he wiz. And he'd loast his maw. Aw the other ducks used to chin him aboot it...

'Haw you! Aye you. Ugly guy. Where's yer maw went? Hiz she ran aff and abandoned ye? Nae wunner, ya ugly wee bas... duck.'

Well, thon wee duck wiz feeling bad enough aboot losing his maw; noo he felt a hunner times worse, see? He didnae realise he was such an ugly wee cu... bas... duckling.

'Why me?' He'd say. 'Why am I such an ugly wee cu... duck?'
So he decides to leave...

And aw the ither ducks went, 'Aye f*** off, ya ugly wee...'
But he'd already went.

So aff he goes, intae the rough grun near a big loch, an he jist sties there aw winter. Well, come spring he thinks tae hisself, sod this fur a gemme o sujjers, I'm getting oot o here. I'm away back hame.

Well, nae sooner had he goat back, than he meets wan o the ducks that had been gien him a hard time.

'Well, hullawrerr, handsome.'

'Aye, right. Stoap taking the pish.'

'Naw. Nae kidding. You're a stoatin' looking swan.'

'Whit? I'm no a duck? Get tae f***.’

'If ye don't believe us, away an look in the watter.'

'Aye, ye're right enough. Ah'm ur a swan. F*** me!'

Err ye go, eh. A happy ending fur the wee guy. Mind you, I'm no' sure why a duck should suddenly fancy a swan. Something no' right there, by the way.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 17th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Francis Chichester 1901 - Pensioner who sailed round the world single-handedly. Nowadays, the coastguard would be after him to prevent him from even attempting such a hare-brained scheme. Back in 1967, he got a blibbing knighthood!

Frederick Ashton 1904 - Hoofer.

John Creasey 1908 - Orfer. Created the characters Gideon of Scotland Yard and The Baron.

Peter Glaze 1917 - Comedian, it says here.

Dinah Sheridan 1920 - Actress. Mrs Waterbury in The Railway Children.

Ursula Howells 1922 - Actress. Frances Forsyte in The Forsyte Saga. 138 credits on IMDb.

Reginald Marsh 1926 - Actor. Sir Andrew in The Good Life. 175 IMDb credits.

Brian Matthew 1928 - Broadcaster.

Roddy McDowall 1928 - Actor. David Balfour in Kidnapped (1948). 271 credits on IMDb. Mind you, his career did span 60 years.

Stirling Moss 1929 - Racey car bloke.

Robin Ray 1934 - Broadcaster. Presented Call My Bluff and Face The Music.

Peter Lever 1940 - Crickety bloke.

Brian Edmeades 1941 - Another crickety bloke.

Tessa Jowell 1947 - Politician.

Sherrie Hewson 1950 - Actress. Maureen Naylor/Holdsworth/Elliott/Webster in Coronation Street.

Steve Williams 1953 - Musician. One-time drummer for Budgie (That’s a band.). Would you like a clip? Your wish is my command. Here’s I Ain't No Mountain.  Shocking grammar.

Will Gregory 1959 - Musician and producer. Half of Goldfrapp. Another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Number 1. which reached number nine in the Yuk, but was a number one in the U.S. Dance chart.

Charles Lawson 1959 - Actor, so he is. Jim McDonald in Coronation Street so he was.

Shirley Ballas 1960 - Dancey bloke.

Damon Hill 1960 - Racey car bloke.

Michael French 1962 - Actor. David Wicks in Eastenders.

John Penney 1968 - Frontman of Ned’s Atomic Dustbin (That’s a band.). A clip? Indeed. Here’s Happy.

Keith Flint 1969 - Prodigy frontman. Here’s their second number one, Breathe. Don’t have nightmares.

Adam Devlin 1969 - Musician. Guitarist with The Bluetones. Here’s their biggest hit, Slight Return.

Dallas Campbell 1970 - TV presenter on The Gadget Show and Bang Goes The Theory.

Alex Hassell 1980 - Actor. Spencer in Anonymous.

Catherine Tyldesley 1983 - Actress. Eva Price in Coronation Street.

Jack Fox 1985 - Actor. Sir Edward Denham in Sanditon.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Will Gramblory,

It was great to hear a track from you and Miss Goldfrapp. Can you answer a question for me, please? What was the last Goldfrapp single to enter the UK singles chart?

Yours with love,

B. Lever.  (No relation to P. Lever.)

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

As you are well aware, there were no predictions last week, so, hopefully, there will be no hiccups this week. [The death of Her Majesty the Queen is hardly a ‘hiccup’. - Ed.] As there were no matches to report last week, let’s move straight on to this week’s predictions from The Grambler...

Game - Result - Odds

Burnley vs Bristol City - Home win - 4/6

Middlesbrough vs Rotherham - Home win - 13/20

Accrington Stanley vs Cheltenham - Home win - 10/11

Forest Green vs Morecambe - Home win - 10/11

Oxford Utd vs M K Dons - Home win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.86

Nah, that’s not very whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Walthamstow in 1993. I began my senior career at Tottenham Hotspur and in 285 appearances have scored 188 goals. I have been capped 73 times scoring 50 times. I hold the record of scoring the most Premier League goals for a single club.

Answer - Harry Kane

2. Erling Haaland has scored two Premier League hat tricks already this season, who is the only Norwegian to have scored more?

Answer - Ole Gunnar Solskjær

3. Name the coach who managed - Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, Real Sociedad, Sunderland and West Ham.

Answer - David Moyes

4. Which German player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Robert Huth (322)

5. Which club plays at the Gtech Community Stadium?

Answer - Brentford (I wonder if the players get a free vacuum cleaner)

Shall we have five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in Leeds in 1986. I am versatile, having played as a midfielder, winger and full-back. I began my senior career at Leeds, making my first-team debut at 16 and, at the time, was the youngest player to score in the Premier League. Apart from a brief loan spell at Swindon Town, all my career has been in the Premier League. After Leeds, I made moves to Newcastle, Aston Villa, Manchester City and, my current club, Liverpool.

2. What do Mario Zagallo, Franz Beckenbauer and Didier Deschamps have in common?

3. Name the coach who managed - East Stirlingshire, St. Mirren, Aberdeen, Scotland and Manchester United.

4. Which Australian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which club plays at Banks’s Stadium?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Glaze who, for nearly 30 years, appeared on the children’s television show, Crackerjack [CRACKERJACK! - Ed.] and the radio panel game Twenty Questions where a team of panelists had to guess a mystery object in 20 questions or less (His first question was always, ‘Can you sit on it?’ Oh, how we laughed.). Any road up, it seems that Peter Glaze was a favourite of Danny Baker’s, so please enjoy (if you can) Danny’s tribute to Peter Glaze.  Apologies for the ropey editing, it was obviously taped* on a VHS video recorder long ago.

*Taped - The word we oldies use whenever we have recorded anything, as, back in the mists of time, all recording media used a form of tape.


Peter Glaze ‘DOH!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 10 September 2022

Post 458 - Grambling in the dark

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

Well, it’s been quite a week with people leaving jobs and others taking over. Obviously, there was only one story that took all the headlines... Thomas Tuchel getting the boot as Chelsea manager. Okay, I’m being facetious, but I’ll avoid any mention of the biggest event. Instead, let’s move onto a lighter tale... our impending doom.

Electricity and gas prices are going to rise. How do we know? Because those clever folk in the world of media have told us. They have even given us the figures for the projected increase... or should that be the promised increase? It seems a little odd to me that it is possible to predict a price increase. The only explanation to cynical old me is that the increase has already been planned and the shareholders in these privatised energy companies will be rubbing their hands in glee at the prospect of a bumper payout as the profits increase. Or will they?

Think about it. Energy prices will increase so much that everyone will have to use less simply to allow some funds to go towards a few little luxuries like food and clothes.

If that is the case, then energy companies will be selling less, therefore the profits will not be as high as planned. Solution? Bump up the prices again.
Eventually, we will all be unable to afford electricity and gas.

It is ironic that at COP26, last year's gathering of representatives from the world's richest countries, it was agreed that the human race was causing too much damage to this planet we call home and we should all do our bit to use less energy.

Nobody explained that this would be effected by raising prices until nobody could afford to use electricity and gas any more.

My (g)ramble doesn't end there. Recently, Mrs G and I were promised a visit from an engineer who would be fitting a smart meter, a wonderful device that allows you to watch the amount of energy you use as you head into bankruptcy.

For reasons that were never explained, our energy supplier had to cancel the visit. It didn't really matter to me, I've managed up till now without this vital piece of kit.

A few days later, I received a letter from said energy supplier telling me that, because of the inconvenience of them cancelling the engineer's visit, they would give me £30 by way of apology. I felt like writing back to them to tell them what they could do with their £30. [And what would that be? - Ed.]

They could start by cutting the price of the fuel we all have to buy from them. And they could stop giving all their engineers brand new air-conditioned vans. Don't get me started.

There have been plenty of ideas on social media on how to reduce your gas and electric bills. One individual came up with the solution that we should all buy ready meals that wouldn't need to be cooked in an oven. Honestly. I'm thinking that the person who came up with that one works in a retail sector that sells ready meals.

Not a good idea. That can only end in tears... you'd start off with ready meals, sure, but how long till you sink into the microwave meal mire? The reliance on ready-made meals can only lead to one thing... Pot
Noodle.

There are more sensible ways to save on your fuel bills.

Do you wash dishes in the sink? Don't. Use a bowl. It'd be fun. Pretend you're camping.

Using too many lights? Remove all but one low-wattage bulb from every room. In fact, why not just walk about in the darkness; you'd soon become acclimatised to the lack of light.

Too cold? Don't use your central heating, wrap yourself in a duvet or a onesie. You know, the onesie you bought at the start of the Covid19 pandemic in 2020. You can relive those happy lockdown moments.

You could also not get your hair cut, just as you did(n’t) during the lockdown. The longer locks should help to keep your head warm.

In fact, why not just go to bed? You'd be saving on the telly as well.

Shower too expensive? Don't use it every day. People used to bath once a week in the good old (smelly) days. Save the shower for special occasions. What's wrong with a good stand-up wash in front of the bathroom sink (only half-filled, of course)?

In fact, why bother washing at all? After a while, you will be impervious (That's a good word, wonder what it means.) to the smell.

Kettle costing too much? Well, don't fill it up. If you are making just one cup of tea, measure out enough for that and no more. Or, you could give up hot drinks entirely. Water is a very healthy (and affordable, at the moment) option.

Do you iron your clothes? Well, consider this. You won’t be able to afford to wash your clothes in the first place, so, hey bingo, no ironing required. A double saving.

Hmm... this is not looking too promising. Maybe we should all simply take a leaf out of the animal world's book. Think of those migrating herds of wildebeest and reindeer or the flocks of swallows all heading off to warmer climes. That's it! Do what the animals do.

That's exactly what I am going to do...hibernate through the winter months.

Wake me up when the warmer weather comes.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 3rd of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Matthew Boulton 1728 - Industrialist. Business partner of James Watt.

Cecil Parker 1897 - Actor. Claude in The Ladykillers.

Jimmy Delaney 1914 - Fitba guy.

Bill Dean 1921 - Actor. Harry Cross in Brooookside.

Larry Parnes 1929 - Pop manager and impressario. Exploited many of the acts he managed by employing them rather than simply representing them. The BBC described as a ‘beat Svengali’. The British press called him ‘Mr Parnes, Shillings and Pence’. He made many of his acts adopt raunchier names: Ronald Wycherley became Billy Fury, Roy Taylor became Vince Eager and Clive Powell became Georgie Fame. Joe Brown would not adopt a new name, so did not become Elmer Twitch.

Pauline Collins 1940 - Actress. Shirley Valentine in Shirley Valentine.

Steve Jones 1955 - Musician who has done a bit of acting. He will, however, be better remembered as the guitarist with The Sex Pistols. A clip? Indeed. I’ve given you this one before but, it’s a good un... Pretty Vacant.

Stephen Woolley 1956 - Film producer. The Crying Game, that was one of his.

Dick Strawbridge 1959 - Television personality with a moustache.

Derek Redmond 1965 - Athleticky bloke.

Raymond Coulthard 1968 - Actor. Miles Edgerton in Mr Selfridge.

Gareth Southgate 1970 - Footy bloke.

David Bingham 1970 - Fitba guy.

Kim Tiddy 1977 - Actress. Heidi Costello in Hollyoaks.

Tiffany Chapman 1978 - Actress. Rachel Dixon in Broooooookside.

Fearne Cotton 1981 - DJ and TV presenter.

Jesse Quin 1981 - Musician. Bass player with Keane. Another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Somewhere Only We Know.

Lisa McGrillis 1982 - Actress. Rachel Coles in Inpector George Gently.

Scott Carson 1985 - Footy bloke.

Chris Fountain 1987 - Actor. Tommy Duckworth in Coronation Street.

Faye Brookes 1987 - Actress. Kate Connor in Coronation Street.

Jake Quickenden 1988 - Actor, singer and reality TV star. A clip? Indeed, here is Blindfold.

Now then, what about the 10th of September?

Henry Purcell 1659 - The well-known composer. Let’s have a clip. Here’s the snappily titled Dido and Aeneas, Z. 626: When I am laid in earth, 'Dido's Lament'.

Mortimer Wheeler 1890 - Archaeologist and TV celebrity.

Beryl Cook 1926 - Artist.

Johnny Keating 1927 - Musician, composer and arranger. He had a hit with the Theme from Z-Cars in the early sixties, a tune that was adopted by Everton and still gets played on matchdays. But, since I’ve given you that one in a previous edition of this blog, I’ll give you a different clip, Listen. [I am doing. - Ed.] No, it’s called Listen.

Gwen Watford 1927 - Actress. Mabel Maple in Don’t Forget to Write.

David Hamilton 1938 - Radio presenter.

Cynthia Lennon 1939 - John’s first missus.

Don Powell 1946 - Drummer with Slade. Let’s have a clip. Here’s the band’s last top ten hit Run Runaway.

Judy Geeson 1948 - Actress. Pamela Dare in To Sir, with Love.

Barrie ‘Barriemore’ Barlow 1949 - One time drummer with... can you guess? Yes, I knew you’d get it... Jethro Tull so let’s have a clip. [Any excuse. - Ed.] Here’s Locomotive Breath.

Freddy Marks 1949 - Musician and writer. Famous as one third of Rod, Jane and Freddy, the resident music act on Rainbow. Here’s a clip of them singing Beat of Your Heart.

Carol Decker 1957 - Actress and singer. Remember T’Pau? [Is that a group from Yorkshire? - Ed.] She was (still is) their singer. Have a clip. Here’s Heart and Soul.

Mark Mardell 1957 - Journalist and radio presenter.

Siobhan Fahey 1958 - Singer and songwriter. A bit of Bananarama and Shakespears Sister. A clip? Here’s Bananarama’s Shy Boy.

Helen Pearson 1959 - Actress. Frankie Osborne in Hollyoaks.

Colin Firth 1960 - Actor. George VI in The King’s Speech. [I prefer nectarines, myself. - Ed.]

Guy Ritchie 1968 - Filmmaker.

Adam Stansfield 1978 - Normally, I would simply write ‘Footy bloke’ in here but, I wish to tell you a little more about this footballer who should be celebrating his 44th birthday today. Sadly, he died in 2010 aged just 31 from colorectal or bowel cancer. He was diagnosed in April of that year but died in the August. I don’t know too many details, but I am thinking that his illness played out much as Stewart’s. Perhaps doctors considered he was too young to get bowel cancer and just didn’t deal with it properly. Whatever the case, please go to Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK for some shocking statistics.

After he died, his old club, Exeter, retired the number nine shirt. It is fitting that last weekend, nine years on, a striker made his debut for Exeter City wearing number nine. His name? Jay Stansfield, son of Adam.

 

Adam Stansfield

Alex Horne 1978 - Comedian and writer. He is the brains behind the Channel 4 show Taskmaster.

Stephen McManus 1982 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Luke and Harry Treadaway 1984 - Actors.

David Clarkson 1985 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Matt Ritchie 1989 - Footy bloke.

Hetti Bywater 1994 - Actress. Lucy Beale in Eastenders.

Jack Grealish 1995 - Footy bloke.

Greg Docherty 1996 - Fitba guy.

Sam Hart 1996 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gram Blowell,

It was great to hear you bashing away at the drums on Run Runaway. We were big fans of Slade back in their heyday of the seventies. Can you answer a question for us? What was the last original Slade song to enter the charts?

Yor fanz,

Ray Dio, Wally Sound.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? We won... a little bit. 70 pees back from our £2.20. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Blackpool vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Blackpool 3 Bristol City 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Theo Corbeanu came off the bench to score a 90th-minute equaliser as Blackpool salvaged a thrilling 3-3 draw with Bristol City at Bloomfield Road.

Nahki Wells crashed a first-minute effort off the post for the Robins before a deflected shot from Josh Bowler wrong-footed Daniel Bentley at the other end to put the hosts ahead just six minutes later.

Tommy Conway prodded home a deserved leveller for Bristol City just before the break, meeting an Alex Scott cross at the near post for his third goal in three league games.

Jerry Yates' close-range flicked finish from a corner put the Seasiders ahead early in the second half, only for Antoine Semenyo to level for the Robins 20 seconds after coming off the bench in the 63rd minute.

City then took the lead for the first time in chaotic fashion, with Kal Naismith testing Daniel Grimshaw with a free-kick, only for Wells to then pounce and head onto the bar before Marvin Ekpiteta directed the ball into his own net.

That had looked like being enough to seal all three points before Corbeanu struck late on.

 

Middlesbrough vs Swansea - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Swansea 1

Yay!

First-half goals from Riley McGree and Matt Crooks secured a win for Middlesbrough at home against Swansea City.

The Swans were behind after 14 minutes when McGree beat Andy Fisher after a poor pass from Cameron Congreve was intercepted.

Middlesbrough continued to dominate, and doubled their lead after half an hour when Matt Crooks got in front of his man to tap in Ryan Giles' low cross from close range.

The visitors were handed a lifeline when Darragh Lenihan was penalised for handball in the box and Joel Piroe slotted home to set up a grandstand finish.

But Ben Cabango, who was already on a yellow card, was given his marching orders with two minutes remaining after shoving Isaiah Jones to the floor in a rash moment.

 

Millwall vs Reading - Home win

Result - Millwall 0 Reading 1

Boo!

Naby Sarr powered home a first-half header from a Tom Ince free-kick inside the first quarter of an hour and the Royals defended that lead impressively.

Tom Bradshaw went close on a couple of occasions and the Lions had a Jake Cooper goal ruled out for offside.

The Royals should have wrapped up victory in the closing stages, but misses by Jeff Hendrick and Shaun Long did not prove costly.

 

Rotherham vs Birmingham - Home win

Result - Rotherham 2 Birmingham 0

Yay!

The Millers outplayed Blues in the first half and Conor Washington went close before Richard Wood's headed opener, while Chiedozie Ogbene also shot wide as they looked for a second.

Blues offered almost no attacking threat before the break, managing no attempts on target and not forcing a single corner.

They improved marginally after the interval, but Rotherham continued to look the better side, with Dan Barlaser missing a penalty before Wood's close-range effort made it 2-0 for a deserved victory. 

 

Watford vs QPR - Home win

Result - Watford 2 QPR 3

Boo!

Substitute Albert Adomah scored the winner for Queens Park Rangers taking just nine minutes to seal the entertaining win at Vicarage Road, crashing the ball home off the woodwork.

Ilias Chair had given QPR a deserved lead with a fortuitous finish from 30 yards, which took a huge deflection off Francisco Sierralta on the way to finding the bottom corner.

Ken Sema restored parity with a calm finish after battling through Rangers' defence, only for Chris Willock to finish a fine team move to put QPR ahead once more.

Watford striker Joao Pedro hit the bar with a 40-yard effort and eventually equalised with a powerful low finish before Adomah sealed QPR's second win of the season.

The Hornets did have the ball in the back of the net late on, but Edo Kayembe's effort, and what proved their last chance of rescuing a draw, was ruled out for offside in the build-up.

 

There are no predictions this week as all weekend fixtures have been postponed... for obvious reasons.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Dublin in 1980. A striker, I began my senior career at Wolves. After a few moves, I moved to Spurs where I played almost 200 games and scored 80 goals. I then moved to Liverpool for a season, but returned to Spurs for a second spell in 2009. A couple of loan spells later, I moved to the US to play for LA Galaxy in 2011. Over the next five years, I played 125 games and scored over 80 goals. I was capped 146 times for my country, an Irish record.

Answer - Robbie Keane

2. Which Chinese player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Sun Jihai (123)

3. Which Scottish player was capped 121 times and scored 116 goals?

Answer - Julie Fleeting [Sneaky. - Ed.]

4. Name the coach who managed - Motherwell, Hibernian, Rangers, Scotland (twice), Birmingham City, Aston Villa, Nottingham Forest, Genk and Zamalek.

Answer - Alec McLeish

5. Which club plays at the Suit Direct Stadium (aka Victoria Park)?

Answer - Hartlepool United

All right, let’s have five for this week.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Walthamstow in 1993. I began my senior career at Tottenham Hotspur and in 285 appearances have scored 188 goals. I have been capped 73 times scoring 50 times. I hold the record of scoring the most Premier League goals for a single club.

2. Erling Haaland has scored two Premier League hat tricks already this season, who is the only Norwegian to have scored more?

3. Name the coach who managed - Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, Real Sociedad, Sunderland and West Ham.

4. Which German player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which club plays at the Gtech Community Stadium?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. A Horne who (with his Horne Section) provides this week’s finishing link, a suitably British take on the old YMCA song and associated dance.

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.