Saturday 25 November 2023

Post 492 - Grambling with goats?

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Your letters...

Sir,

What a pity Tom Daley isn't a decent footballer, he would have added a certain grace to penalty appeals.

Yours,

H. Kane.

Nice jumper, Harry

Story Time...

Before you read this week’s Story Time, please take the time to watch this rather silly advertisement. Yes, I know last week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog was also linked to adverts... sort of... but this is different. Click on the link to see this ad... while you still have the chance.

Toyota Hilux ad.

While I still have the chance? Whatever do you mean, I hear you ask.

Right, first of all, I don't want you to think that thegrambler.com has sold out Toyota and is now being sponsored. Perish the thought.

No, the reason I invite you to watch it is that, soon, you won't be able to see this advertisement. Why not? Because it has been banned.

It has been banned because the 'herd' of cars drives through a river. Sorry pardon excuse me? What is the problem with that, I ask myself. There isn't one, I answer myself. [That's worrying; talking to yourself. Is it? Yes. - Ed.] Oh yes, there is a problem. Apparently, it condones behaviour that is harmful to the environment.

I'm thinking a lot of people must have been very angry to have complained in such numbers that an advertisement has been pulled. How many do you think? Thousands? Lower. Hundreds? Lower. Dozens? Lower. The figure is precisely one. Just one complaint has been filed and the ad which, in my view, sensibly shows that the vehicle in question is excellent on rough terrain, has been axed. Wait a minute, is that not what buyers of such cars want to see? Good off road capabilities?

Nope. Not allowed. Somebody, who has probably never even sat in a ‘working’ vehicle, sees fit to complain about a vehicle being shown doing what a 4x4 vehicle does best and the ad gets taken off the air? Daft, I calls it.

Okay then, what about other ads that should be banned? There are loads, but, it being Christmas, we are into the season of festive adverts. Think of all those ads from supermarkets promoting their wares. Often, we see a table groaning under the weight of enough food to feed a biblical tribe. Surely, that is wrong when half the world's population hasn't got enough to eat. Indeed, half the population of Britain is probably starving given the proliferation of food banks that are now on the go. If nothing else, those laden tables are encouraging gluttony; that’s one of the seven deadly sins, that is. No wonder there are so many obese people in the (so-called) developed world. Ban these ads.

Others promote the message that a certain rotund, bearded gentleman makes his way into children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and empties his sack at the foot of their beds*. Excuse me? Ban them.

But the advertisement that most demands to be banned is that weird bloody thing from Virgin Media that is on at the moment. It features several cgi’ed goats hang-gliding their way around various mountain passes. What the f*** is going on there? And what the f*** were the advertising execs on when they came up with that as a concept. Goats? Hang-gliding? That is just so damned creepy; the stuff of nightmares. Ban them. Now.

* Apologies to comedian David Mitchell for nicking his joke.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 25th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Andrew Carnegie 1835 - Businessman and philanthropist. He is apparently the richest American of all time (except he was Scottish) Worth $10.6 billion, allowing for inflation.

Ahm no an American, awright pal?

Francis Durbridge 1912 - Screenwriter, novelist. Paul Temple, that was his creation.

Shelagh Fraser 1920 - Actress. Jean Ashton in A Family at War.

Louie Ramsay 1929 - Actress. Dora Wexford in The Ruth Rendell Mysteries.

Harry Landis 1931 - Actor. Lou Morris in Friday Night Dinner.

William McIlvanney 1936 - Writer.

Gerald Seymour 1941 - Writer.

Paul Copley 1944 - Actor. Peter Quinlan in The Lakes.

Bev Bevan 1944 - Drummer with The Move and ELO. Have a clip. Here’s Night of Fear.

Robert Wass aka Bobby Knutt 1945 - Comedian.

Alan Rough 1951 - Fitba guy.

Charles Kennedy 1959 - Politician.

Steve Rothery 1959 - Musician. Geetarist with Marillion. A clip? Why, soitenly. Here’s You're Gone.

Blythe Duff 1962 - Actress. Jackie Reid in Taggart.

Dougray Scott 1965 - Actor. Matt Busby in United.

David Kelly 1965 - Peileadóir. Ex-Motherwell, tá a fhios agat.

Dominic Cummings 1971 - He’s a political strategist, apparently.

Eilish McColgan 1990 - Runny bloke.

Alex Bain 2001 - Simon Barlow in Coronation Street.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gram Gramblan,

It was so nice to hear the very first single by your group, The Move. We understand that a song by your good selves was the first tune ever played on Radio 1 in 1967. Could you please enlighten us and tell us which song it was?

Yours in anticipation,

Flo Ursin, Dee Rayne.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Blodrakes fare? We won. And lost. Again. £1.48 back from our £2.20 stake. It didn’t help that one of the games selected by The Grambler was void. What happened? Read on.

Bristol Rovers vs Fleetwood - Home win

Result - Void

Boo!

Notts County vs Bradford - Home win

Result - Notts County 4 Bradford 2

Yay!

Notts County survived a second-half comeback to beat Bradford.

County produced a storming first-half display with David McGoldrick and Dan Crowley netting either side of Macaulay Langstaff's brace, but a Richard Brindley own goal and Jamie Walker strike gave the hosts a nervy finish.

The deadlock was broken in the first five minutes when McGoldrick finished off a neat move down the right before Langstaff fortuitously doubled the hosts' advantage after deflecting John Bostock's goal-bound effort home.

He scored his second six minutes later after being slipped in by Crowley, who then made it 4-0 with a fine curling effort.

But the visitors came out fighting in the second half and Alex Gilliead's strike deflected off Brindley to reduce the deficit, before Walker fired beyond Sam Slocombe to set up a tense ending.

Langstaff almost completed his hat-trick late on, with visiting striker Andy Cook also seeing a header saved on the line, as County kept (ex-Motherwell manager) Graham Alexander waiting for his first win as Bradford boss.

Accrington vs Wrexham - Away win

Result - Accrington 2 Wrexham 0

Boo!

Paul Mullin hit the crossbar but Tommy Leigh's penalty after the break put Accrington ahead.

Rosaire Longelo sealed Stanley's win, netting close range after Arthur Okonkwo failed to hold on to Jack Nolan's shot.

Mullin's stoppage time penalty struck the underside of the crossbar.

Barrow vs Crawley - Home win

Result - Barrow 1 Crawley 0

Yay!

Dom Telford scored a second-half goal to earn Barrow victory against Crawley.

Telford fired in after 46 minutes. But Crawley believed the striker's match-winner should have been disallowed for a foul on Will Wright by Emile Acquah early in the build-up.

Referee Seb Stockbridge ignored the protests, however.

The Bluebirds should have been in front before the break. Acquah hit an upright and also missed a one-on-one with Luca Ashby-Hammond, while Elliot Newby also twice went close to breaking the deadlock.

The visitors dominated possession but created fewer chances. However, Barrow were grateful to keeper Paul Farman saving from Klaidi Lolos and Kellan Gordon, who shot wide with just the keeper to beat a minute from time.

Harrogate vs Swindon - Away win

Result - Harrogate 1 Swindon 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The visitors took a first-half lead courtesy of striker Jake Young's goal.

Young had threatened twice before opening the scoring in the 25th minute - hitting the roof of the stand with a long-range effort and firing across the face of the goal after bursting past home defenders Rod McDonald and Anthony O'Connor down the right flank.

But his third effort - a thumping 25-yard strike following Dan Kemp's forward pass - gave goalkeeper Jonathan Mitchell little chance as it rocketed into his top-left corner.

An open first half also saw two Sam Folarin efforts and Abraham Odoh force Murphy Mahoney into smart saves at the other end.

After the break, Odoh went close again before Jack Muldoon levelled midway through the second period.

The 34-year-old drilled a low edge-of-the-box drive in off Mahoney's left-hand upright after Folarin had exchanged passes with Odoh.

Folarin should have gone on to win the game late on, but shot weakly at Mahoney after racing clear on the away goal.

That was last week; what has The Grambler randomly predicted for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Burnley vs West Ham - Away win - 21/20

Luton vs Crystal Palace - Away win - 21/20

Plymouth vs Sunderland - Away win - 21/20

Portsmouth vs Blackpool - Home win - 11/10

Swindon vs Mansfield - Away win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£15.38

Oh dear, that’s a bit too whopping for my liking. Nice if it comes off, though.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Utrecht in 1964. A striker, my career was split between two clubs, Ajax and AC Milan. I scored 128 goals for Ajax and 91 for Milan. I was named FIFA World Player of the Year in 1992. I won the Ballon d’Or three times. In 1992 I was the first player to score four goals in a Champions League match. I was capped 58 times and helped the Netherlands win UEFA Euro 1988, where I also won the Golden Boot. My career was cut short by an ankle injury and I retired aged just 28.

Answer - Marco van Basten

2. Which Italian player has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Paolo Di Canio (66)

3. Who was the first footballer to receive a knighthood?

Answer - Stanley Matthews

4. Which club plays its home games at the Keepmoat Stadium?

Answer - Doncaster Rovers (the stadium is now named after the club sponsor, so is also known as Eco-Power Stadium.)

5. Here’s another anagram. Who was this English player?

VAR FITS CORNER

Answer - Trevor Francis

Shall we have five for this week? Yes, let’s...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Santo Domingo, Equador in 2001. A defensive midfielder, I began my senior career at Independiente del Valle, before moving to Brighton. I recently moved to Chelsea for the highest ever transfer fee between British clubs.

2. Which country has qualified for the UEFA European Championships in 2024 for the first time in its history?

3. Who is the last man to have won the FA Cup as both a player and a manager?

4. Aston Villa has plans to upgrade Villa Park. Its current capacity is 42,530; what is the planned capacity for the stadium after redevelopment.

5. Another anagram? Why not. Here’s an English footballer...

HIP FONDLE

Ooer, missus.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4 The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total now stands at...

£72,534

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, no funnies this week. What? No funnies? No, because today sees a couple of sad anniversaries and, this being (supposedly) a football blog, I feel I ought to mention them. Two of the world’s greatest ever footballers died on this day... 15 years apart, granted, but both died on the 25th of November. Both were most definitely in the ‘flawed genius’ category. They were legends on the park, but their off-the-park activities tended to overshadow their greatness. One was a serial womaniser and alcoholic, the other a serial womaniser and drug addict. Is there a link between footballing skills and sexual impropriety/substance abuse? Discuss.

The names of these two footballing giants? George Best who died on this day in 2005 and Diego Maradona who died in 2020.

R.I.P. lads.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Friday 17 November 2023

Post 491 - A gramble about the Beeb

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Your letters...

Sir,

I literally take exception to the misuse of the word literally.

Literally yours,

Hilda Oddbin.

Story Time...

I’m livid. I am and all. What has caused this anger, I hear you ask. The British Broadcorping Casteration, that’s what. How so, you may ask. [They’re asking a lot of questions today. - Ed.] Pull up a chair and oi’ll tell ee...

Right, first of all, the Beeb is not a private company; it is, instead, owned by Joe Public... me, and you, and him... and we fund the corporation by paying an annual subscription called the licence fee. In the year ending 31 of March 2023, the BBC received an income of around £5.7 billion of which £3.7 billion was paid by us viewers as licence fee payments. Got that? Thus, because it receives so much dosh, the BBC is able to produce its programmes without the annoying features known as advertisements.

Mind you, I have seen as many as six ads for shows being shown on the various Beeb channels between two programmes. I can deal with that. Fair enough; they are entitled to plug their own output.

What doesn’t sit so well with me is the Graham Norton style of chat show where guests are there simply to plug their book/TV programme/film/perfume/range of clothes (Delete as applicable.). That has been going on for years. I recall an episode of the Michael Parkinson chat show when the guest was David Niven and the topic of conversation was his autobiography, The Moon’s a Balloon. That was it. All just a big advert for his book. Actually, the book was already a big seller, but this probably helped shift another few hundred thousand copies.

What annoys me even more than celebrities using the Beeb to advertise, basically, themselves, is when there is advertising on news bulletins. To me, news should be about that which is happening around us. It should not be about the latest Operatic production/Andrew Lloyd Webber musical/Disney film. (Delete as inapplicable.)

Okay, I have moaned on about such items before, but, just last week, the ‘I am a big star, please advertise my book’ treatment hit a new low... Well, two new lows, actually.

The first was a news item about Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr ‘unearthing’ a compact cassette of John Lennon singing a song that was not deemed decent enough to ever make it onto a record. Frankly, the sound quality was abysmal and it is no wonder the song got forgotten about; it was dreadful. Obviously, Paulie and Bongo thought otherwise and have realised that they could make shed-loads of money by tarting it up a bit and adding some instrumentation. That done, the record has been released as a forgotten Beatles’ gem. Aye, right.

To promote the single release, they also got Peter Jackson (he of Lord of the Rings fame) to direct an accompanying video featuring the late Beatles John Lennon and George Harrison being cleverly superimposed on new film of Paul and Dingo. I say cleverly, there are bits where it is pretty obviously AI footage.

Peter Jackson has also directed a documentary to promote the song. These facts were all imparted in a news bulletin. That isn’t news; that is blatant advertising, mate.

Worse was to come. Barbra Streisand is a singer/actress who is probably as wealthy as the remaining Beatles... Well, Ringo, certainly. Apart from music videos, she has produced little of interest for over ten years. Until now. She has written a book: her autobiography.

All well and good; no doubt she will be doing the book-plugging tour of every chat show that will have her. Obviously not just that, because somebody at the Beeb has decided that this rich lady writing a book was a newsworthy event, so she was interviewed on the BBC’s main news programme.

Okay, that annoyed me, but I can cope with it. There has been much more blatant plugging on the Beeb. What really bugged me though, was that nothing of importance or even relevance was talked about. The only things that we learned was that she wasn’t a very happy person and... this really is trivia worthy of a mention on The One Show or Loose Women... that Siri (the voice recognition app) couldn’t pronounce her name correctly, but now can. Well, thank goodness she told us that; I couldn’t have slept without learning that nugget of (non)information.

Make that three new lows. This was where story time was supposed to end but, this week, the Beeb are at it again. Apparently, that very famous, and very rich, actor, Tom Hanks has opened an exhibition dedicated to the US’s ‘journey to the moon’. Tonight, I watched the news bulletin from this once hallowed institution as Mr. Hanks’ exhibition was given a free advertisement.

Sorry, BBC, but you are meant to be an impartial organisation and that impartiality is made possible because you do not show advertisements and do not rely on advertising revenue. To me, this is very much about advertising whether money has changed hands or not.

But, come on, we all know that there is no such thing as a free launch. What is being exchanged for these ‘free’ plugs if it isn’t money? Mmm? Answer me that.

I think I may have the answer. [You bloody would have. - Ed.] Freebies. Have a few records (Yes, I know that 7” singles no longer exist, but I’m sure you get the gist.)/books/tickets to an exhibition been passed out to some execs at the Beeb? I couldn’t possibly say, but you are welcome to draw your own conclusion.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 11th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Charles Penrose 1873 - Entertainer. Famous for... this.

Iain Macleod 1913 - Politician.

Ivy Benson 1913 - Bandleader.

Robert Carr 1916 - Politician.

Roy Jenkins 1920 - Politician.

Ron Greenwood 1921 - Footy bloke.

George Blake 1922 - Spy.

June Whitfield 1925 - Actress. June Fletcher in Happy Ever After.

Chris Dreja 1945 - Musician. A Yardbird. Here are the Yardbirds (featuring a certain James Page) with Over, Under, Sideways, Down.

Bryan ‘Pop’ Robson 1945 - Foo’y blurk.

Andy Partridge 1953 - Musician. Founder member of XTC. Here’s a nice wee toon, Love on a Farmboy's Wages

Bruce Woolley 1953 - Musician. He has been involved in many musical collaborations over the years. Here is the Radio Science Orchestra with Atom Age Girl.

Ian Craig Marsh 1956 - Musician. A founding member of Human League, he later formed the British Electric Foundation and Heaven 17. A clip? But of course. Here’s the BEF with Groove Thang from the album Music for Listening To. Isn’t that the most perfect title for an album?

David Easter 1959 - Actor. Mac Nightingale in Hollyoaks.

Andy Hughes 1965 - Musician. One time member of The Orb. He was involved with this tune, the band’s biggest hit, Toxygene.

Nick Blackman 1989 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Jamaal Lascelles 1993 - Footy bloke.

Ellie Simmonds 1994 - Swimmy bloke.

Ryan Kent 1996 - Footy bloke.

Okay, now what about any famous or notorious individuals born on the 18th of November?

Katie Johnson 1878 - Actress. Her only starring role was as Mrs Wilberforce in The Ladykillers when she was aged 76; a role which won her the British Film Academy award for best actress.

Katie Johnson aka Mrs Wilberforce aka Mrs Lop-sided

Wyndham Lewis 1882 - Painter, writer and critic.

Alec Issigonis 1906 - Car designer. Designed the Morris Minor and the Austin/Morris Mini.

Bobby Thompson 1911 - Comedian. Known as The Little Waster.

Brian Huggett 1938 - Golfy bloke.

Jimmy Crawford 1937 - Singer. Here is his hit from 1961, I Love how You Love Me.

Ian McCulloch 1939 - Actor. Greg Preston in Survivors.

Bill Giles 1939 - TV weatherman.

John Pitman 1939 - Journalist, TV producer and documentary film maker.

David Hemmings 1941 - Actor. Dildano in Barbarella.

Chris Rainbow 1946 - Musician. A clip? Indeed. Here’s Give Me What I Cry For.

Joe Corrigan 1948 - Footy bloke.

Graham Parker 1950 - Musician. With his band, The Rumour, he had a hit or two. Here’s Temporary Beauty.

John Parr 1954 - Musician. Would you like another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s the very non-PC Naughty Naughty.

Jake Brockman 1955 - Musician. Known as the fifth Bunnyman as he had been associated with the band throughout the 1980s before becoming a full-time member in 1989. Have another clip. Here’s Nothing Lasts Forever.

Shirley Strong 1958 - Athleticky bloke.

Kim Wilde 1960 - Singer. Here’s another clip for you, You Came. [Ooer, missus! - Ed.] Behave yourself.

Stephen Moffat 1961 - TV writer and producer.

Paul Smith 1961 - TV writer.

Peter Schmeichel 1963 - fodbold målmand.

Nadia Sawalha 1964 - Actress and TV presenter.

Jenny Jay 1967 - Actress. Carmen in Bread.

Gavin Peacock 1967 - Footy bloke.

Anthony McPartlin 1975 - Not Dec.

Lucy Akhurst 1975 - Actress. Sophie in Spaced.

Matthew Baynton 1980 - Screenwriter, actor and musician. Member of the Horrible Histories troupe which has been together for that programme as well as Yonderland and Ghosts.

Michael Dawson 1983 - Footy bloke.

Marc Albrighton 1989 - Footy bloke.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Jake Grambleman,

It was nice to hear a song from your band, Echo and the Bunnymen. I was wondering what was the first top ten hit from them was. Can you help?

Yours earnestly,

Dirk Utter.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Korblades fare? We won. And lost. 88 pees back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on.

Birmingham vs Ipswich - Away win

Result - Birmingham 2 Ipswich 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

After the home side led 2-0 with only 11 minutes left, Ipswich substitute Marcus Harness pulled one back.

Harness then scored again on 89 minutes to level the score - and though that was enough to earn Rooney his first point from his fourth game in charge, it still felt like a defeat.

Birmingham led on 13 minutes after Jay Stansfield's fifth goal of the season - and that was doubled six minutes after the break when Cameron Burgess put through his own net under pressure from Stansfield.

But Ipswich got one back on 79 minutes when Freddie Ladapo's effort was saved by goalkeeper John Ruddy but the rebound fell to fellow substitute Harness.

Harness then got his second to stretch second-placed Ipswich's unbeaten run to 10 league games - and take them a point closer to leaders Leicester City.

Despite their three-game losing run since previous boss John Eustace was sacked, Birmingham had the protective cushion of a great record against Ipswich, who have won only once in their past 19 visits to St Andrew's.

Rooney had opted to make another four changes following last weekend's 3-1 defeat at Southampton - and the hosts went 1-0 up when Juninho Bacuna's through ball let in Stansfield, who swivelled inside the box and Ipswich keeper Vaclav Hladky failed to prevent the recalled striker scoring.

Plymouth vs Middlesbrough - Away win

Result - Plymouth 3 Middlesbrough 3

Ooh! ’It the bar! Again!

Plymouth Argyle twice came from a goal down to win a point as they held Middlesbrough to an entertaining 3-3 draw in the Championship.

Josh Coburn put Boro ahead from close range midway through the first half before Bali Mumba levelled after a good passage of play from the hosts.

Finn Azaz's superb effort put Argyle ahead at the break, but Boro responded as first Coburn converted after his penalty kick was saved and then Sam Greenwood put them in front soon after.

But Morgan Whittaker levelled the scores once again as his curling free kick from the left evaded everyone and skipped off the wet turf into the net.

Millwall vs Southampton - Away win

Result - Millwall 0 Southampton 1

Yay!

Substitute Ryan Fraser scored in added time to give Southampton victory at Millwall.

Fraser popped up at the near post to grab the three points in an otherwise forgettable game at The Den.

Goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski looked to have earned Millwall a vital point with a brilliant save to deny Kamaldeen Sulemana.

But he hadn’t.

Arbroath vs Partick - Away win

Result - Arbroath 1 Partick 3

Yay!

Aidan Fitzpatrick scored in each half, and Brian Graham added a third, to earn three points for the Jags.

Kerr McInroy was the supplier for both of Fitzpatrick's goals, while Graham took advantage of a slack pass back to complete the win.

Stevie Lawless missed a penalty and Harry Milne had an effort disallowed but that mattered little in the end.

Neither did Jermaine Hylton's late consolation.

Cove Rangers vs Hamilton - Away win

Result - Cove Rangers 1 Hamilton 0

Boo!

No match report. This is Scotland, mate. We don’t matter up here.

Never mind grumbling, let’s have some grambling. (Do you see what I did there?) What has The Grambler come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Bristol Rovers vs Fleetwood - Home win - Evens

Notts County vs Bradford - Home win - 17/20

Accrington vs Wrexham - Away win - 20/21

Barrow vs Crawley - Home win - 19/20

Harrogate vs Swindon - Away win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.02

Ten pees less whopping than last time.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in North Richmond, New South Wales in 1972. A goalkeeper, I played 366 games for Middlesbrough and 172 for Fulham and hold the record for the most Premier League appearances of any Australian. I was capped for Australia 109 times over a 20 year period.

Answer - Mark Schwarzer

2. Which Nigerian has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Yakubu Ayegbeni, known as Yakubu or ‘The Yak’

3. Who is the only player to have been capped for his country more than 200 times?

Answer - Cristiano Ronaldo (203) S’obvious, really.

4. Which club plays its home games at the Ashton Gate Stadium?

Answer - Bristol City

5. Another anagram? Why not. Here’s a Scottish footballer...

MAD CHASE

Answer - Che Adams

Would you like five for this week? Of course you would. [Have they any option? - Ed.]

1. Who am I?

2. Which Italian player has scored the most Premier League goals?

3. Who was the first footballer to receive a knighthood?

4. Which club plays its home games at the Keepmoat Stadium?

5. Here’s another anagram. Who was this English player? [Ah... Past tense. Is that a clue? - Ed.]

VAR FITS CORNER

Easy peasy.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total now stands at...

£72,385

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Ms. J. Whitfield who provides this week’s concluding link. You may remember June Whitfield as Edina’s mum in Absolutely Fabulous from the 1990s until the 2000s. You may remember her as Terry Scott’s missus in Happy Ever After and Terry and June [They must have been scratching their heads to come up with that title. - Ed.] Ahem... from the 1970s and 80s. But June Whitfield had been a star long before those shows. She first achieved stardom not on the small screen (as they used to term TVs) but on the radio. She joined the hit radio show Take It From Here in 1953. The show featured a section which translates as Les Miserables. Seriously. It was called The Glums and it featured Jimmy Edwards as Pa Glum, June Whitfield as Eth and Dick Bentley as her gormless boyfriend, Ron Glum... He lacked any gorm, whatever. Let’s have a little clip to finish. Altogether now... Take it from here...

Happy grambling.

Saturday 4 November 2023

Post 490 - Remember The Grambler on the 5th of November

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Your letters...

Sir,

I take exception to the Manchester City player, Erwin Haarland, being hailed as the greatest ever footballer. Surely there are many other players worthy of the accolade.

Yours,

K. Dalgleish (Sir).

Story Time...

After last week’s revelations about the crossdressing Grambler, this week’s story might be a bit of a letdown for you.

I thought I would give you some tales of the British tradition of bonfire night or Guy Fawkes Night. It is an annual custom that takes place on the 5th of November, a date we Brits are encouraged to remember. It celebrates the failed gunpowder plot of 1605 when a group of 13 individuals tried to assassinate King James the 6th of Scotland, aka James the 1st of England, by attempting to blow up the House of Lords during the state opening of parliament. Without going into the reasons of why the event took place... it is all to do with Catholicism vs Protestantism... I will add that all the conspirators were either shot or executed.

The odd thing for me is that we remember Guy Fawkes, rather than the leader of the revolt, Robert Catesby. I suppose Robert Catesby Night wouldn’t have the same ring to it.

The way we celebrate the event is to build bonfires and burn an effigy of Guy Fawkes on it. How sick is that? The daft part of it is that Guy Fawkes was not put to death in this gruesome way; he was, slightly less gruesomely, hanged.

He was actually meant to be hanged, drawn and quartered, but avoided the horrific drawing and quartering by dying from the hanging part of his ‘sentence’.

Why the bonfire? I honestly don’t know. Why Guy Fawkes? Ditto. I just know that on the 5th of November every year anyone with pyromaniac tendencies gets free rein to set fire to things. Those things being not just bonfires, but fireworks, which make more sense than bonfires given that they contain a modicum of gunpowder. Fireworks are now sold (legally) only to adults, but it wasn’t always the case...

When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] anybody could go into a shop from about September onwards and buy fireworks. Even small children. Strangely, newsagents stocked fireworks; at least, my local newsagent did. That was where, as an eight-year child, I would buy penny bangers. They did what it said on the tin. They exploded. Loudly. I could even, as an eight-year-old, buy the matches to set light to these miniature bombs. You are probably thinking that a penny banger couldn’t have been dangerous in any way if they were being sold to juveniles. Not true. They could be very dangerous, especially if they exploded near flammable material.

Any road up, this eight-year-old was savvy enough to know the rules about fireworks... light the blue touch paper and retire immediately. The terminology was a bit strange to me, but I knew what it meant... light the thing and get to fu... get as far away as possible, but obviously not so far away that I couldn’t hear the bang.

My initial use of bangers followed those rules. I always retired to a safe place and I also was wise enough to know that I should never return to a firework that hadn’t ‘gone off’. However, as I got older, I got more gallus (trans: bold) and would do things like lighting the touch paper while I held the banger (Stupid, I know.) and throwing the lit firework into a place where its noise might be amplified. Disused garages, bins, even (I’m ashamed to say) into the lobby of a block of flats. Mind you, that did create one hell of a noise.

It so happened that my parents had a small caravan on a site near Inverary. The site is still there, but is totally different to the way it was when I was small. Then, there were a few dozen ‘vans scattered about an old army camp from WWII. Behind the caravans was overgrown weeds and woodland. This was the playground for me and friends I had made at the caravan park. These friends all enjoyed the end-of-season rituals of setting bonfires on the beach, using driftwood and anything we could carry from the woods.

We also had a huge supply of bangers and, as this had been an army camp there were many disused buildings dotted about the wooded areas. Here, we would have mock battles where we would split into two groups which would each set up camp in one of these outbuildings. We then had to try and ambush the other group’s building by chucking a lit banger, grenade like, through one of the broken windows. If, however, they spotted your approach, a banger lobbed in your direction meant that you were ‘dead’.

The other group would be trying the same tactic. The winner was the first to successfully throw a banger into the opposition’s hideout. Very childish, but great fun to a group of 11 to 13 year olds. Very childish and very dangerous, as these buildings often contained a lot of flammable material and, as the buildings were weatherproof, such material was tinder dry. A recipe for disaster. Did we understand that? Probably not. Did we care? Nah. We lived to tell the tale and I don’t recall anyone ever being injured.

One escapade could have caused injury to all of us. On this occasion, I will blame my older brother who didn’t take part in our silly war games, but was aware of what was going on. Probably because I told him.

What did he do? He thought our playing with piddling little bangers was all a bit trifling. He came up with an idea that none of us younger ones had even heard of... a Molotov cocktail. What, you may ask, is a Molotov cocktail. It is better known as a petrol bomb.

So, we all did our bit to make this actual weapon of war. A glass bottle was required. Easy. There were loads in those dens in the woods. A piece of rag was also needed. No problem. Again, a den in the woods had something amongst the rubbish. Finally, we needed the petrol itself. This was surprisingly easy to obtain, because many of us had our own dinghies and some were lucky enough to have an outboard motor. What do they need to operate? Yes indeed. Petrol. We each syphoned off a little from our engines’ little fuel tanks... without parents’ knowledge, I hasten to add. I don’t know what excuse we would have given if we had been caught.

Any road up, we made our bomb; a bottle full of petrol with a rag ‘wick’ stuffed in the top. Now, where could we deploy it? About half a mile from the site was a piece of wasteland. It was probably still part of the wartime army camp, but it looked as if all the buildings had been destroyed. Deliberately? Who knows. All that was left at this part was a long wall about six feet high. Nothing else, other than concrete bases. It was the ideal spot for our bomb. It was away from our parents’ gaze and it was well away from anything flammable.

My brother must have looked like the Pied Piper as he led a group of laughing kids several years younger than him, out of the caravan site, along a disused road to the wall in question.

Firstly my brother ensured that us younguns were standing well back from the wall. Then, he set the rag in the neck of the bottle alight. Without waiting too long for the whole thing to explode in his hand he chucked the bottle with its flaming wick at the wall. Even from our vantage point well back, we could feel the heat as the now flaming petrol engulfed the wall.

Though we were all whooping with delight at what we had seen, I think we were all a bit frightened by the experience. We probably curtailed our mock battles from that time onwards.

Maybe my brother’s bomb-making exercise had all been aimed at teaching us a valuable lesson... or did he just enjoy scaring us sh*tl*ss?

To end this week’s story, I am reminded of something said by the founder of this august blog when his knowledge of world history deserted him. He and his good lady wife were heading to the good old U. S. of A. at the beginning of November for their honeymoon. He said he was looking forward to going to the States for the 5th of November, because Americans always do fireworks so well. I think it might have been his missus who pointed out that there weren’t likely to be any fireworks on that night... Why would Americans celebrate a crazy, uniquely British custom? They’ve got their own crazy customs at other times of the year.

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 4th of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Henry V 1470 - The well-known king (of England, not Scotland).

James James 1832 - Welsh composer (whose parents had little by way of imagination). You may not have heard of him, but you may well have heard his most famous composition, Hen Wlad fy Nhadau aka Land of my Fathers.

Marguerite Patten 1915 - TV chef.

Richard Bryce aka Dickie Valentine 1929 - Singer. A clip? Here’s one to put you the mood for the next big celebration, Christmas Alphabet.

Ian Harrison aka Clinton Ford 1931 - Singer. Here’s a song that reached number 22 in 1962, Fanlight Fanny.

Joyce Blair 1932 - Hoofer. Lionel’s sis.

Derek Johnstone 1953 - Fitba guy.

Chris Difford 1954 - Musician. A bit of Squeeze. Another clip? Why not. Here’s a Squeeze song for which he provided lead vocals, Cool for Cats.

James Honeyman-Scott 1956 - Musician. Founding member of The Pretenders. I think another clip is called for. Here’s the band from 1981 performing Louie Louie. No, not that one.

Kim Taylor aka Magenta Devine 1957 - TV presenter and journalist.

Lena Zavaroni 1963 - Singer. Have a clip. Here she is aged just 13 singing a medley of songs on the 1976 Royal Variety Show.

Shaun Williamson 1965 - Actor. Barry Evans in Eastenders.

Malandra Burrows 1965 - Actress. Kathy Glover in Emmerdale.

Tim Vincent 1972 - Actor and TV presenter.

Louise Rednapp 1974 - Singer. One time member of Eternal. Here’s her most successful solo effort, 2 Faced.

Robbie Winters 1974 - Fitba guy.

Kevin McDonald 1988 - Fitba guy

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Chris Grambleford,

It was nice to hear a song from your band, Squeeze. I was told that your last album, The Knowledge, has a song on it that has the same title as an old Fleetwood Mac hit. Which one? Man of the World, maybe? Go Your Own Way, perhaps? Can you enlighten me, please?

Yours labelled with love,

Albert Ross.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Arkblodes fare? We didn’t lose. Yes we did. I don’t call a return of 78 pees from our £2.20 stake a win. What happened? Read on.

Barnsley vs Fleetwood - Home win

Result - Barnsley 2 Fleetwood 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Corey O'Keefe salvaged a late point as Barnsley twice came from behind to draw with Fleetwood.

Junior Quitirna scored either side of (ex-Motherwell player) Devante Cole's first leveller before O'Keefe's last-gasp effort earned a share of the spoils.

The visitors broke the deadlock in the third minute when Jack Marriott broke forward down the left, crossing to Quitirna who fired past Tykes goalkeeper Ben Killip.

Barnsley were awarded a spot-kick four minutes later when Cole was brought down by Fleetwood goalkeeper Jay Lynch.

Cole stepped up himself and saw his penalty saved, but reacted quickly to score the rebound.

Lee Johnson's side regained the lead in the 34th minute when Quitirna placed a 25-yard free-kick into the top-left corner.

Herbie Kane almost pulled his side level two minutes before the break. Receiving a pass from Nicky Cadden, the midfielder struck the woodwork from the edge of the box as he aimed for the top-right corner.

Barnsley pushed for an equaliser and their pressure paid off two minutes from time when Kane's cross found O'Keefe to head beyond Lynch.

Oxford Utd. vs Wycombe - Home win

Result - Oxford Utd. 2 Wycombe 2

Ooh! ’It the bar! Again!

Cameron Brannagan's stoppage-time penalty salvaged a point for Oxford against local rivals Wycombe at the Kassam Stadium.

In a dramatic match featuring three second-half penalties, substitute Brannagan put away the crucial final spot-kick in the sixth minute of time added on after Luke Leahy had tripped Mark Harris just inside the area.

Furious Oxford boss Liam Manning had earlier been shown a red card by referee Sebastian Stockbridge after Wanderers came from behind to lead thanks to two contested spot-kicks.

Ruben Rodrigues fired the U's in front in the 25th minute with a volleyed first-time finish from Marcus McGuane's cutback.

Wycombe levelled 11 minutes into the second half when Leahy planted his penalty into the bottom-right corner after McGuane had slipped inside the box and his hand knocked the ball.

Wanderers turned the game on its head when Brandon Hanlan drew a foul from keeper James Beadle on 81 minutes, and Leahy stepped up to convert his second penalty in almost the same place.

But Oxford were not to be denied as Brannagan made no mistake deep into stoppage time.

Port Vale vs Cheltenham - Home win

Result - Port Vale 1 Cheltenham 2

Boo!

A brace from captain Sean Long secured the Robins’ victory.

After a cagey opening 20 minutes, Cheltenham began to apply some pressure and Vale goalkeeper Connor Ripley was forced into making a good save from Rob Street's attempt.

But it was the hosts who went ahead in the 32nd minute, when Alfie Devine found the net with an acrobatic effort after skipper Nathan Smith guided a header from a corner to the back post.

Their lead lasted only 10 minutes though, with Long blasting home after latching onto a loose ball in the penalty area.

Elliot Bonds nearly put Cheltenham in front within moments of the second half starting, but his dipping long-range shot hit the crossbar.

The visitors kept patiently probing and got their reward in the 66th minute as Long's deflected effort looped over Ripley and into the net.

Reading vs Portsmouth - Away win

Result - Reading 2 Portsmouth 3

Yay! (At last)

Lewis Wing and Charlie Savage had given Reading a shock lead with two goals in the space of four minutes midway through the first half.

Tino Anjorin, on loan from Chelsea, reduced the deficit before top-scorer Colby Bishop levelled things up at 2-2 in the ninth minute of first-half stoppage time.

Terry Devlin then struck home what proved to be the winner just before the hour.

Reading had stunned the visitors with goals in the 23rd and 27th minute through crisp finishes from first Wing and then Savage.

But Anjorin tucked home a cross from Paddy Lane soon after and, in stoppage time, Bishop knocked in his ninth league goal of the season.

Pompey grew frustrated early in the second period, before Devlin secured the points with a clinical strike after Bishop's clever nod-down at the far post.

Wigan vs Shrewsbury - Home win

Result - Wigan 2 Shrewsbury 0

Yay!

Goals in either half from Stephen Humphrys and Callum Lang gave Wigan a 2-0 win as 10-man Shrewsbury were seen off in comfortable fashion at the DW Stadium.

The visitors had been on the back foot for the entire game after seeing centre-back Chey Dunkley sent off inside four minutes for hauling down Thelo Aasgaard on the edge of the box.

After that, it was only ever a question of when and not if Wigan would break through.

It was Humphrys who opened the scoring after 35 minutes when he was given too much time and space 20 yards from goal.

After Shrews defender Mal Branning hit his own post, Humphrys inexplicably headed wide just after the hour mark from a yard out, before Jordan Jones cut inside and smacked a shot against the Shrewsbury crossbar.

But the respite was only temporary as Lang nodded home fellow substitute Callum McManaman's cross in the 66th minute - less than 60 seconds after both men had entered the fray.

Reports supplied by PA Media

Oh well, not the best week for The Grambler. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected this week. All matches take place at 3pm on Saturday the 4th of November.

Game - Result - Odds

Birmingham vs Ipswich - Away win - 10/11

Plymouth vs Middlesbrough - Away win - 5/6

Millwall vs Southampton - Away win - Evens

Arbroath vs Partick - Away win - 6/5

Cove Rangers vs Hamilton - Away win - 4/5

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.12

Ooer! A bit too whopping now.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Barnsley, Yorkshire in 1959. A defender, I began my senior career at Barnsley, before moves to Manchester City, Celtic, Lyon and finally Millwall. I was capped for Ireland 57 times. As a coach, I have managed (deep breath) Millwall, Rep. of Ireland, Sunderland, Wolves, Ipswich, Rep. of Ireland (again), APOEL, Cardiff City and Blackpool.

Answer - Mick McCarthy

2. Talking of Ireland, which Irish player won Manchester City’s player of the year award for four seasons running?

Answer - Richard Dunne

3. Which Swedish player has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Freddie Ljungberg (48)

4. Which club plays its home games at the Toughsheet Community Stadium?

Answer - Bolton Wanderers

5. Another word jumble? Why not. Here’s another footballer from the past.

POSH LIP MONTH

Phil Thompson

How did you fare? Too easy? Well try this week’s, then...

1. Who am I?

2. Which Nigerian has scored the most Premier League goals?

3. Who is the only player to have been capped for his country more than 200 times?

4. Which club plays its home games at the Ashton Gate Stadium?

5. Another anagram? Why not. Here’s a Scottish footballer...

MAD CHASE

Easy peasy.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total now stands at...

£72,375

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. G. Byrne who gives us this week’s finishing link. Sort of. Gay Byrne is the man in question and he died on the 4th of November 2019. He was a respected Irish interviewer who hosted The Late Late Show for 37 years. He was a radio and TV legend in his native Ireland. In 1993, he had the honour of presenting a group of singers(?) to the world for their world premiere. It is clear what Mr Byrne thinks of the group. Please be prepared to cringe at Boyzone’s first ever TV appearance.

Uncle Gay aka Gaybo aka Uncle Gaybo

Happy grambling.

Pages

Saturday 25 November 2023

Post 492 - Grambling with goats?

£15.38

£72,534

Friday 17 November 2023

Post 491 - A gramble about the Beeb

£13.02

£72,385

Saturday 4 November 2023

Post 490 - Remember The Grambler on the 5th of November

£13.12

£72,375

The Bobby Moore Fund

Links