Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer. If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.
If you haven’t already
done so, please read the article which recently appeared in the Daily Record
and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family,
even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what
you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997
His wish
was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to
oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the
most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…
Dear Mr Grumbler,
I know the Premiership, Championship and Divisions 1 and 2 are
called the English League, but there are Welsh teams play in it – Cardiff Swansea
Yours sincerely,
Rex Hamm.
WARNING: The following text contains words which some
readers might find offensive. We are
sorry if you are so easily upset. We
would suggest that you get a life.
This blog is supposed to make some reference to bowel cancer. it does occasionally, but, more often than
not, the only actual reference is in the first three paragraphs. After that?
Nothing. So this week I aim to
rectify that. It’s a decade since he
last made an appearance, so Bob Geldof has been wheeled out of storage, dusted
off and given a quick rub down with an oily rag. Why?
Because it’s time to release Do They Know It’s Christmas for the
umpteenth time [I think you’ll find it’s four. – Ed.]…
‘Come on Sir Bob, you can do it.’
‘Please donate to our worthy cause?’
‘No no no. Too polite. Come on Sir Bob, you must remember.’
‘Donate some money?’
‘Still too polite. Surely
you can’t have forgotten. It was your
catchphrase.’
‘I’ve got a catchphrase?’
‘Certainly. You swear.’
‘Not me, I’m a knight of the realm. I would never use bad language.’
‘Look, nobody will buy the record unless you use your
catchphrase. If you don’t, do you know
what will happen?’
‘What?’
‘Simon Cowell will get his X Factor winner to be the Christmas
number one.’
‘The f*** he will! Give us
the f****** money! Now!’
‘Ahh, welcome back, Bob.’
‘F*** off!’
Where am I heading with this week's Grambler rant? I think it's about time that we had a charity
record in aid of bowel cancer research. The man that started it all, Saint Bob
Geldof has got a lot to answer for. We've
had records for all sorts of causes, so why not bowel cancer? What tune do you reckon we should do? A Christmas song, perchance? I’m dreaming of a Shite Christmas? A good rap song would be perfect, especially
if the word rap is in the title. Why? Because we could subtly alter that word to
make it bowel cancer specific. Rap
becomes crap. Hey bingo! A song relating to bowel cancer. Or speaking of Sir Bob, what about the old
Boomtown Rats song - Rat Crap? There are
others that could be considered. Itchypoo Park UK
We could do with some big names to endorse it, of course. Tom Poos, for example. I know! William Shatner! And not just because of his surname. No, he was always telling us about his toilet habits on Star Trek. Every episode began with him telling you about that day's visit to the loo. Obviously, in whatever time the programme is set in the future the writers have decided that bowel movements should be taken very seriously indeed. What do you mean you don't understand? Surely, his reference to captain's log on a particular date could refer to nothing else. Although I thought it was a bit too much when he would add that there was no sign of Klingons.
That's the promotion sorted. Marketing the song would be important too. It wouldn't be much use if we recorded this song with some of the biggest toilet-related artists and then we didn't have the clout to get the thing played by the big radio stations. There is only one man for the job(by) in my view; someone whose business acumen (That's a good word; must look it up) has been responsible for most of the Christmas number ones in recent years. Well this year he could have a number one with a number two song. Who, I hear you ask. Obvious really - Simon Bowel! Who groaned? Come on, own up....
We could do with some big names to endorse it, of course. Tom Poos, for example. I know! William Shatner! And not just because of his surname. No, he was always telling us about his toilet habits on Star Trek. Every episode began with him telling you about that day's visit to the loo. Obviously, in whatever time the programme is set in the future the writers have decided that bowel movements should be taken very seriously indeed. What do you mean you don't understand? Surely, his reference to captain's log on a particular date could refer to nothing else. Although I thought it was a bit too much when he would add that there was no sign of Klingons.
That's the promotion sorted. Marketing the song would be important too. It wouldn't be much use if we recorded this song with some of the biggest toilet-related artists and then we didn't have the clout to get the thing played by the big radio stations. There is only one man for the job(by) in my view; someone whose business acumen (That's a good word; must look it up) has been responsible for most of the Christmas number ones in recent years. Well this year he could have a number one with a number two song. Who, I hear you ask. Obvious really - Simon Bowel! Who groaned? Come on, own up....
Okay, back to reality. Yes,
none of that is meant to be taken seriously.
Or is it? One of the earliest
signs of bowel (colorectal) cancer is a change in toilet habits and can include:
Bleeding from the back passage
(rectum) or blood in your stools
A change in normal bowel habits to
diarrhoea or looser stools, lasting longer than 4 to 6 weeks
A lump that your doctor can feel in
your back passage or abdomen (more commonly on the right side)
A feeling of needing to strain in your
back passage (as if you needed to pass a bowel motion)
Losing weight
Pain in your abdomen or back passage
A lower than normal level of red blood
cells (anaemia)
Because bowel tumours
can bleed, cancer of the bowel often causes a shortage of red blood cells. This
is called anaemia and may cause tiredness and sometimes breathlessness.
Sometimes cancer can
block the bowel. This is called a bowel obstruction.
The symptoms include
Gripping pains in the abdomen
Feeling bloated
Constipation
Being sick
If you think anything is irregular,
see your doctor. If there’s a problem,
don’t just sit on it [Ha! Very good. – Ed.].
Okay lecture over. Any
birthdays of note this week? Why,
yes. Christian Doppler 1803 (inventor of
the police siren), Louisa May Alcott 1832 (midget), Busby Berkeley 1895
(British Telecom advert), Clive Staples Lewis 1898 (joiner famous for his
wardrobes), Jackie Stallone 1929 (mother of sylv…1929? Who’s she kidding?), Jacques Chirac 1932 (similar
to a he rack only feminine), John Mayall 1933 (employer of every decent
guitarist Britain the 29th November 2001 . Now, I was
never a great fan of the Beatles and always felt that Mr H got shoddy treatment
from the rest of the band. Well, two of
them anyway. Ringo was all right. Every album ever produced had 90%
Lennon/MacCartney songs and 10% by George Harrison. That usually equated to one song or, at best,
two. Okay, he managed to get three onto
Revolver; the others must have been feeling generous for that album. Remember Dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna…Batman?
Sorry, Taxman. Not a great song, but at
least it was political. But, hey, some of the other stuff he provided was as
good as anything the other two ever produced… I Need You, It’s All Too Much,
Within You Without You, Here Comes The Sun, Something, While My Guitar Gently
Weeps… absolute belters every one. So, I
reckon that George Harrison deserves the ultimate accolade – to have one of his
songs gramblerised! Yay! We have always had loads of Christmas songs, but here - 4 weeks early - is a new year song. Take it away, George...
Gramble the old
Gramble the new
Gramble the old
Gramble the new
Gramble the false
Gramble the true
Gramble the old
Gramble the new
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Gramble the new
Gramble the old
Gramble the new
Gramble the false
Gramble the true
Gramble the old
Gramble the new
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Ding-dong, ding-dong
Wise words there mate. The next line of the song goes… Yesterday, today was tomorrow And tomorrow,
today will be yesterday …Sounds like the kind of conversation you might
have down the pub when you’ve had a few…
‘Right…See…tomorrow…right… is tomorrow…today, but
tomorrow it’ll be today…won’t it?
Sobvious in’t it. And
today…right…it’ll be yesterday… tomorrow, cus the day after tomorrow will be
tomorrow, tomorrow. D’you see what I
mean? An’ today will be yesterday
tomorrow. Stands to reason…I think. Hic.’
Methinks it is time to move onto grambling
matters. How did we get on last
week? Not good. When I say not good, I really mean terribly. We won absolutely nothing. Not a thing.
Zilch. Rugger ball. How did that happen? Read on…
Stoke vs
Burnley – Prediction Home win
Result – Stoke
1 Burnley 2
Boo!
Danny Ings
scored twice in two minutes as Burnley beat Stoke to claim their first away win of the season and
move off the bottom of the Premier League.
Ings put the visitors ahead in the 12th minute when he
tapped in after Asmir Begovic parried Ashley Barnes's cross.
The striker grabbed his second soon after, with
another close-range finish following Michael ‘Keira’ Kightly's low pass.
Jon Walters pulled one back with a diving header for
Stoke, but the Clarets held on for the valuable win.
Result – Wigan
1 Middlesbrough
1
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Shaun ‘the
sheep’ Maloney’s goal from a wonderfully executed free-kick raised hopes that
Wigan might win for only the second time since August, but Middlesbrough, who
have only lost once in that time, replied with a goal from substitute Patrick ‘JC’
Bamford to keep their promotion challenge moving forward.
Notts County vs Yeovil – Prediction Home win
Result – Notts County 1 Yeovil 2
Nooooooo!
Yeovil scored
two goals in the last six minutes as they beat Notts County
Midfielder Gary Jones was sent-off for a two-footed
tackle as the hosts were reduced to 10 men, while assistant boss Greg ‘Bud’ Abbott
was sent to the stands.
Mike Petrasso latched onto a poor backpass to give
Notts the lead.
Jordan Clarke scored twice late on as his near-post
header pulled Yeovil level and his second header deflected in off the post for
a dramatic win.
Result – Mansfield Plymouth
Aaaarghhh!
Plymouth’s Kelvin Mellor hit the crossbar with the
goal at his mercy, while Andy ‘Les’ Kellett forced good save from Mansfield’s
keeper Sascha Studer, as the visitors started the stronger.
Studer blocked a Kellett shot from a tight angle in
the second half, but Mansfield hung on and moved up to 17th in the League two
table, while Plymouth slip to sixth.
Result – Dunfermline
4 Stirling
0
Whoop de doo…At last.
We finally
get one right. Woo fn hoo. There is a bonus though. We’ve found him. Yes indeedy.
It’s cracking name of the week time.
Gozie Ugwu – Isn’t that brilliant? - hit a hat-trick as Dunfermline ended a run of four League One games
without a win.
The Pars were in front after five minutes when Ugwu
headed in from a free-kick and the striker then fired home a shot which went in
off the post.
Good work from Joshua Falkingham set up Ugwu's third
goal on the hour.
Andy Stirling's free-kick stretched the home side's
lead before Stirling Albion's Willie Robertson was sent off for a late lunge.
There you have it gramblerinis. That is what went wrong last week. If we had taken The Grambler’s predictions
and done the exact opposite, we would have had three right and would probably
won more than our stake money. I am
beginning to think that might be the way to go in future. Let’s see what he/she/it comes up with this
week…
Only 40 games for The Grambler to choose from this
week thanks to there being only two Scottish games on this week – it’s Scottish
Cup 4th round weekend. Oh
well, I am sure The Grambler can come up with five from what’s left. So what has he/she/it come up with?
Game – Result – Odds
That’s what The Grambler has randomly selected this
week. What do you reckon? Mmm.
No chance. Any road up, if, by
some miracle, all five results go our way our multiple bet (10 x 20pees doubles
plus a 20pees accumulator) will return a not insubstantial…
£10.48
Not insubstantial?
Ten quids and a few pees? Hardly
substantial. Anyway, if it comes up,
that is the amount that will be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund via The
Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund.
By the way, as Sir Bob’s record tells us, it’s
Christmas time. Now here’s something to
consider – Would you rather pay loads of money to download a rather poor song
in the name of charity, or would you rather just give to a charity which is
never going to have a record out, but is just quietly going about the business
of finding a cure for bowel cancer?
Obviously, it’s the latter, so I will remind you again of how to donate
to The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund.
All you have to do is go to https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 and donate away. I’ll repeat that https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 The minimum donation
that can be accepted is just 2 quids, so don’t think you have to donate a huge
amount. If everyone reading this donates
just 2 quids, the fund should go up by… ooh… at least a tenner. Go on.
You know you want to.
And now… fanfare please… its teaser time. Last week I asked who was the first player to
score 100 goals in the English Premiershit.
The answer is, of course, the gentleman referenced in the Stranglers’
song Golden Brown. You know it. You do…
Golden brown, texture like sun
Lays me down, with my man Shearer
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with golden brown
Lays me down, with my man Shearer
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with golden brown
Yes, Hugh
Cornwell must have been a Blackburn Rovers fan to include this week’s teaser
answer – Alan Shearer – in the lyrics of his song. What?
Misheard it? Me? You mean to say I’ve been listening to that
song for years and thought they were singing ‘my man Shearer’, when they weren’t? No.
Next you’ll be telling me the song isn’t about a nice cup of tea.
What about a
teaser for this week? Well, the figure
100 comes up again – sort of. And it’s
topical too. John Terry has recently
joined an illustrious group who have played more than 100 games in the Champions
League, but who has played the most games in the competition. Easy one for anyone who reads a newspaper.
And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther a little bit of My Sweet
Lord from the one, the only, George Harrison
.
Happy Grambling.
