Saturday, 26 December 2015

Week 21 - Nativity play the Grambler way


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

As tis still the season to be jolly, this week's (g)ramble concerns a particular Christmas tradition.  Have you ever been to see a nativity play? They are usually put on by nursery schools and church Sunday schools. Thus they are generally staged by very young children. Having been to a few, I know to expect poor costumes - tea towels feature a lot - and less than perfect timing. I can also understand why the stable in which Jesus was born is a little overcrowded in these productions - inclusion is the name of the game. Yes, I know there shouldn't be any giraffes or zebras in the stable, but if they were the only costumes available, so be it.
Usually, such a production would stick pretty much to the story. Joseph takes his missus, Mary, to Bethlehem where she plans to have her baby. There's no space at the inn [I know, it is terrible trying to find somewhere at Christmas, isn't it? - Ed.] so they end up in a stable where Mary duly gives birth to her nipper who they call Jesus... etc. etc.
You know the story, so I needn't go on. When the well-known story is told simply and (for the sake of the children involved and the watching parents) quickly, that is okay. Unfortunately, sometimes, the people in charge of putting on these little Christmas plays, see themselves as budding theatre directors or, worse, amusing. The budding directors try to alter things so that they don't look quite so simple. Sadly, any attempt they make to 'improve' things only shows up the inadequacies of the players and the props. And setting the whole thing in the modern day only confuses everyone involved (and the old grannies who have come to watch).
Then there are the 'amusing' versions of the story of Jesus' birth. It is one such I want to tell you about; one set not in the present day, but the 'future'.  It must have seemed a good idea at the time... "Hey, let's do a Star Wars nativity!". I kid you not. Unlike most nativity plays, this particular one would be acted out mainly by adults. Oh well, at least the acting will be better than the norm. Don't you believe it...
Obi wan Kenobi is our narrator. Obviously that was because they couldn't think of any other reason for him being there. We meet Mary who is a dead ringer for princess Leah. Well, she would be if princess Leah were aged about 50 and had a bagel strapped to each ear. For some reason we now meet C3PO who is pushing along a laundry bin who he refers to as R2D2 (I never said the costumes were up to much.) [Christmas cracker joke: What is R2D2 short for? He hasn’t got legs, he’s bound to be short. Boom boom? Maybe not. - Ed.] Anyway, they have come to tell Mary of a message from an angel. So, R2 does his projection trick... or rather C3PO shines a torch and a glove puppet of Yoda appears as if by magic [Stop the sarcasm. - Ed.]. He tells Mary that she has been chosen by God to have his baby who will be called Jesus. Actually, he said "God's child you shall have. Called Jesus he will be." I am not making this up.
Now before I go any further, I should point out that most of this congregation is elderly. I don't know if they have even seen Star Wars. What they made of this glove puppet with the weird syntax, I can't imagine. Now, the little scene I related lasted no more than a couple of minutes. Good, we should be done in 15 minutes; there are mince pies and mulled wine afterwards. Yay.
Nope. That was scene one. We then had a bible reading and a hymn before scene two. So, by the time scene two began, half an hour had passed. Any children watching had long since given up feigning interest and most of the elderly congregation must have been wondering where the nearest loo was. There were seven such scenes. You read that right. Seven.
Scene two then refers to Herod's demand for a census to weed out this new born king. For some reason, Han Solo, C3PO and Chewbacca (where's Luke Skywalker, then?) come to plead with, not king Herod, but some woman in a cloak (could be anyone; they do cloaks a lot in Star Wars) and Daft Ada.
Scene three, after the obligatory hymn or two, brings Joseph into the action. Remember, this is a Star Wars nativity so the obvious way to dress Joseph up would be as Luke Skywalker, right? Wrong. Perhaps the guy playing Joseph was making a statement about tradition, because he was dressed in the good old nativity play stalwart costume of a dressing gown and a tea towel on his head.
Scene four was an excuse to dress up the younger members of the congregation - that is, two small kids - as ewoks. Scene five was the manger scene. Scene six was a chance for another Star Wars moment as two storm troopers try to stop the young family fleeing and Joseph speaks the words, "This is not the family you are looking for."
Scene seven? A disco. Honest. A disco. Everybody who had taken part in the production is up at the alter boogieing on down to a jazzed up Star Wars theme. Ye gods and little fishes!
Now, I shouldn't put these well-meaning 'actors' down; they were trying their best, but you would think anyone who put these pantomimes on would realise that parents and church goers do not want all these 'modern' takes on the nativity. They want tradition.
The best way to put on a nativity play? Have a narrator tell the story while the small kids 'act' it out (basically keep still for a tableau). Fair enough, add the occasional hymn, but just a verse, not the whole 17 thank you. Get the thing over and done in ten minutes flat. Hey bingo! Job done. Where are the mince pies?

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 26th of December? Of course there are. I’ll quantify that by adding that there is at least quite a number. Thomas Gray 1716 (The curfew tolls the knell of parting day... yes, well, erm, I expect it does), Charles Babbage 1791 (Factoid: designed a ‘difference engine’, basically a mechanical computer, which proved too expensive to make. It was finally built in 1991 and worked perfectly.), Henry Miller 1891 (Tropical author), Mao Tse Tung 1893 (Factoid: Only two books have had over a billion copies sold; one is the Bible, the other is Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse Tung or ‘little red book’.), Frank Swift 1913 (Footie bloke.), Richard Widmark 1914 (Ectaw. Factoid: Was nominated for an Oscar only once; for his debut film Kiss of Death 1947.), Denis Quilley 1927 (Ectaw. That’s his pen name. D’you geddit? Quilley... pen. Never mind.), Rohan Kanhai 1935 (Crickety bloke.), Phil Spector 1939 (Murderer.), Jane Lapotaire 1944 (Trans: erm... the potty?) and Richard Skinner 1951 (DJ of no fixed hair colour.)

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Yay! No, not yay, because we only got a return of 51 pees on our £2.20 stake. All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Manchester United vs Norwich - Prediction Home win

Result - Man U 1 Norwich 2

Boo!

Norwich took the lead in the first half with a goal from Cameron Jerome in the 38th minute

It got worse for the home side 9 minutes into the second half as Jerome broke clear to feed Alex Tettey, who poked in.

Anthony Martial managed to pull a goal back in the 66th minute.

Juan Mata saw a free-kick from the edge of the area pushed away by Declan Rudd as the hosts went in search of the equaliser in the second half.

Centre-back Chris Smalling could have earned a point late on, but headed narrowly wide.

 

Burnley vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Burnley 4 Charlton 0

Yay!

Scott Arfield converted Matt Lowton's cross for Burnley's first goal and two more came in quick succession after the interval.

Dean Marney created Arfield's deflected second and George Boyd set up top scorer Andre Gray for the third.

Sam Vokes sealed an emphatic Burnley win, turning in another Lowton cross.

 

Rotherham vs Hull - Prediction Away win

Result - Rotherham 2 Hull 0

Boo!

Lee Frecklington put the Millers ahead from the penalty spot after Moses Odubajo tripped Kirk Broadfoot.

Joe Newell doubled the lead 12 minutes into the second half.

 

Coventry vs Oldham - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 1 Oldham 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

After a poor first half in which Coventry lost Ben Turner following an awkward fall, Aaron Martin headed in a Joe Cole corner to give them the lead.

But Danny Philliskirk equalised with a last-minute near-post header.

 

Kilmarnock vs Aberdeen - Prediction Away win

Result - Kilmarnock 0 Aberdeen 4

Yay!

Niall McGinn scored early with a close-range header from Kenny McLean's cross, before Adam Rooney notched his 50th Dons goal with a header of his own.

Johnny Hayes made it 3-0 right after the restart, and Shay Logan rolled home goal number four.

 

Okay, not a good week for The Grambler. Maybe he/she/it can redeem him/her/itself this week. Mind you, it has been raining pretty steadily all over the country, there could be cancellations.

Game - Result - Odds

Manchester City vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win - 2/9

Derby vs Fulham - Prediction Home win - 2/5

Plymouth vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Forfar vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win - 1/3

Queen’s Park vs Berwick - Prediction Home win - 7/10

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£5.81

Is that all? Hardly worth placing the bet.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked who was the only Leicester player to have played for England at FIFA World Cup Finals. Did you remember England’s greatest goalie (and popular rhyming slang) Gordon Banks? Course you did. Too easy.

Right. One for this week. Norwich got themselves an unexpected three points against Man U last weekend, but which club have they taken the most Premiershit points from (19 from 15 encounters)? Try that one down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Spector who has very little hair actually attached to his head, but likes to pretend that he has by wearing a syrup.  Over the years, he has worn some quite spectacular specimens...
 
 

 

Happy Gramblemas.

 

Friday, 11 December 2015

Week 19 - The Grambler's guide to flood prevention


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

‘Without previous instance; never before known or experienced; unexampled or unparalleled’

That is the dictionary definition for the word ‘unprecedented’ [So that’s what it means; I thought it meant when Barack Obama loses his job. - Ed.]. Why have I begun this week’s (g)ramble with it? Because I heard this word spoken by a government spokesman recently, in connection with the recent crazy weather in the north west of England. Parts of Cumbria were flooded to such an extent that people had to be evacuated from their homes. There was even a fatality associated with the flooding. This ministerial lady (Yes, I called her a spokesman because the word spokesperson doesn’t exist in my view. See also humankind, chairperson and ehumancipation.) was expressing her sincere [A politician? Sincere? Don’t think so. - Ed.] sympathy for those affected by this ‘unprecedented’ weather. Excuse me, Mrs politiciany person, the same area was badly flooded 10 years ago and the same thing happened six years ago. Thus, unprecedented is not the correct word to use. Please, Mrs MP, don’t use big words if you don’t know what they mean. The words you were struggling to find were ‘regularly’ and ‘occurring’.

On the same news bulletin a reporter was talking from Manchester University where the people in charge had decided to give themselves and the students a few more days’ holiday by shutting the uni for the new year break. [Is this relevant? - Ed.] It is relevant because it is still referring to the flooding crisis, but also because it highlights a problem that really annoys me. Poor grammar. The reporter, a person who is paid to do the job of presenting news items on TV, presumably because they have a better than average understanding of the English language, used the following line, ‘The university has took the decision to close early for the holidays.’ Ye gods and little fishes!

Any road up, back to the weather. Okay, unprecedented is the wrong word, but what can be done to help those that live in areas which are susceptible to flooding? Flood defences have been springing up all over the place. Go to a town with a river and, chances are, there will be a high wall between the water and any property. There are likely to be gaps in the wall to allow access to the waterside and these gaps will have gates to be closed, or planks to be inserted into slots, in the event of the river levels rising. All well and good, but many of these flood defences or planks of wood require human intervention. They have to be closed manually. And? There is a problem. Humans make mistakes. Well, they’re only human. Just one gate not shut fully or one plank not completely locked into position and the whole defence becomes useless.

Such flood defences smack of the old cliche ‘shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted’. In my opinion [Usually wrong. - Ed.] trying to hold back torrents of water is an impossible task. One ‘expert’ was asked what one could do if water came into the house through the front door. His succinct answer? Open the back door. He reasoned, correctly, that you cannot stop water; it will get through any defence.

The answer to the problem is not a simple one. The concept is very simple, though. Have you ever been to Madeira? Regular readers of this blog know that I have (See Week 29 - My Grambler just cares for me.). Madeira has dirty great drainage ditches dug all over the island so that, if ever the rains come, flooding is unlikely because the water would run into these ditches which, in turn, take the water to the sea. Five years ago, even these ditches proved inadequate and many roads and bridges had to be rebuilt after some monsoon-like rainfall. The rain was so severe that it created flash floods throughout the island which claimed many lives. How did they ‘improve’ things for future such deluges? they dug more trenches and made existing ditches deeper and wider still.

The point I am making? We, in britain, have drainage ditches on a much, much smaller scale; a small burn alongside a road, perhaps. These may have been adequate in years gone by when the weather was reasonably normal. However, these days, the weather has gone a bit mental; The amount of rainfall normally expected over several weeks now seems to fall in less than 24 hours. The drains just can’t cope. It doesn’t help that houses are often on low-lying ground anyway and it also doesn’t help that often householders replace their gardens with impermeable (That’s a good word. I must look it up.) mono-blocked driveways. The answer is plain. Dig out those drainage ditches so that they can carry away all the excess water quickly ala the big f*** off ditches in Madeira. That is only a short term solution though. If any new houses are to be built on land susceptible to flooding, they, themselves, should be ‘floodproof’. How? Build them on stilts. Or, at least, build them such that the ground level would sustain minimal damage. My solution would be to build three-storey houses with the ground-level being reserved for, say, a garage or a utility room. See? No furniture to get ruined by water damage. Ditto, carpets. A quick repaint would see it looking as good as ever. Isn’t that a brilliant solution?

No, all you house builders and insurance companies out there, I don’t ask for any reward for solving the flooding problem; just look on it as my gift to you.

As a wee conclusion to this week’s (g)ramble, I live in a town which is 170 metres above sea level. If we ever get severe flooding, I have a different solution. I’m going to build an ark.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 12th of December? Why, yes. There are, quite lidderally, some. Erasmus Darwin 1731 (Charlie’s grandpa.), Gustave Flaubert 1821 (Wrote Madame Bovary and hated cliches like the plague.), Matthias Hohner 1833 (Moothie maker.), Edvard Munch 1863 (Inventor of bite-sized biscuits with caramel and chocolate.), Edward G. Robinson 1893 (If you ain't out of town by tomorrow morning... you won't ever leave it except in a pine box.), Frank Sinatra 1915 (Trivia: He was first choice for several film roles such as Dirty Harry, played by Clint Eastwood, Paul Kersey in Death Wish, played by Charles Bronson and Nicky Arnstein in Funny Girl, played by Omar Sharif.), Lionel Blair 1931 (Favourite song? Dancing Queen.), Connie Francis 1938 (Trivia: Dubbed Jayne Mansfield’s singing in the film The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw.), Dave Munden 1943 (A Tremeloe.), Grover Washington Jr 1943 (Has had sax with Bill Clinton.), Kenneth Cranham 1944 (Ectaw dear laddie.), Clive Bunker 1946 (Drummer with Jethro Tull. Left at the height of the band’s success for love. Bless.), Emerson Fittipaldi 1946 (Car racey bloke.), Bill Nighy 1949 (Another ectaw dear laddie.), Daniel O’Donnell 1961 (Irish singer popular wid de ladies of a certain age. Sure, dere’s never a droy oy or seat in de house.), Kate Humble 1968 (Lauren Heston... the redhead.), Nolberto ‘Nobby’ Solano 1974 (Footie bloke.) and Daniel Agger 1984 (Another footie bloke)

 

Anyone in amongst that lot suitable for a bit of toon gramblerising? Connie ‘Queenie’ Francis? Stupid Grambler? The Tremeloes? Suddenly you Gramble me? What about something from the ‘Hoodlum from Hobeken’, Frank Sinatra?

Gramblers in the night
Two lonely people, we were gramblers in the night
Up to the moment when we said our first hello little did we know
Love was just a gramble away, a warm and grambling dance away

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Although to something called Edmond, things weren’t all that straightforward. How do you mean? All is revealed below, fair reader...

Arsenal vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win

Result - Arsenal 3 Sunderland 1

Yay!

Arsenal were poor for long periods, but led when Joel ‘Glenn’ Campbell finished from a Mesut Ozil through ball.

Sunderland deservedly levelled through a free-kick that Olivier Giroud deflected into his own net.

But Giroud made amends with a header from virtually the same spot, before Aaron Ramsey scrambled a late third.

 

Brighton vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Brighton 3 Charlton 2

Yay! Again.

Charlton scored twice in the opening four minutes as Ademola Lookman and Reza Ghoochannejhad found the net.

James Wilson got one back for Brighton soon after half-time with a wonderful goal after a mazy run before Charlton's Patrick Bauer was sent off.

Bobby Zamora equalised from close range late on before Tomer Hemed headed in the winner a minute later.

 

Albion vs Stranraer - Prediction Home win

Result - Postponed

B*****!

Dunfermline vs Brechin - Prediction Home win

Result - Dunfermline 3 Brechin 1

Yay! Once again.

The Pars took a deserved lead in the 34th minute, when Joe Cardle's through ball found El Bakhtaoui, who fired a low shot under Graeme Smith.

Lewis Martin teed up Michael Paton to stab home from close range to make it 2-0, before Isaac Layne's header brought Brechin back into the match.

Substitute David Hopkirk restored Dunfermline's two-goal advantage to send the Pars top of the table.

 

East Stirling vs Clyde - Prediction Away win

Result - Postponed

B*****! Again.

 

Thanks to hurricane Desmond only 60% of our games actually took place. Yes two of The Grambler’s chosen five games were cancelled due to our crazy weather. However, the three games that were played, actually won. Thus we got a return of £3.25. Woo hoo! Over a quid up! An actual profit.

So what has The Grambler picked for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Hull vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 1/2

Wigan vs Blackpool - Ptrediction Home win - 4/9

Portsmouth vs Hartlepool - Prediction Home win - 4/9

Annan vs East Stirling - Prediction Home win - 2/5

Queen’s Park vs Arbroath - Prediction Home win - 4/6

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£5.92

Is that it? £5.92??? That’s worse than last week. And that was rubbish!

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that Croatian Slaven Bilic is West Ham’s third non-British manager and asked who the others were. The answer? Gianfranco Zola and Avram Grant.

One for this week? Which was the only club to win the FA Cup and promotion to the top flight in the same season. I’ll give you a clue; it was pre-Premiershit.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr S. Holloway for another of his amusing, nay rib-tickling, monologues. This one is perfect for this week of wacky weather. Ladeez and gennulum, I give you Three Ha'pence a Foot.

 

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday, 4 December 2015

Week 18 - The Grambler salutes Jamie Vardy


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

This is the 200th post of thegrambler.com. Huzzah! Thanks to all you regular readers out there in Gramblerland. Remember to tell all your pals to read the world’s most ill-informed blog. Each post must be averaging 300 ‘hits’ as there have been over 63,000 visits over the time the blog has been up and running. Thought you might be interested in that little factoid. Oh. You weren’t. Ah well. Here’s to the next 200.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

This week I am going to throw caution to the wind and start with the teaser. Yes, I know it goes against every rule in the book and could signal the end of civilisation as we know it, but I think it deserves a bit of promotion up the paragraphs. Why? Well, last week I asked you whose record Reg's lad, Jamie Vardy had equalled by scoring in ten consecutive Premiershit league matches. I also suggested that the record might be Vardy’s alone if he kept up his scoring in every game. Blow me [Steady on. - Ed.], he only scored in his eleventh game as well. Quite apt that the goal that took him into the record books was scored against the team that the previous holder of the title played for. Yes indeedy. He scored against Ruud van Nistelrooy’s (for it was he) old employers, Manchester United.

If Vardy can score at Swansea this Saturday, he will equal the record in English ‘top flight’ football. Jimmy Dunne scored in 12 consecutive Division One games for Sheffield United in 1931/32. Mr Vardy will need to keep scoring for a few weeks more if he wants to beat the world’s best in top flight matches. A certain Mr Lionel Messi scored in 21 consecutive league games for Barcelona back in 2012/13.

Jamie Richard Vardy (born 11 January 1987) is an English professional footballer who plays for Leicester City and England. He plays as a striker, but can also play as a winger.

After being released by Sheffield Wednesday at the age of sixteen, Vardy began his senior career with Stocksbridge Park Steels, breaking into the first team in 2007 and spending three seasons before joining Northern Premier League side Halifax Town in 2010. Scoring 27 goals in his debut season, he won the club's "Player's Player of the Year" award, then moved to Conference Premier side Fleetwood Town in August 2011 for an undisclosed fee. He scored 31 league goals in his first season at his new team, winning the team's "Player of the Year" award as they won the division.

In May 2012, Vardy signed for Leicester City in the Football League Championship for a non-league record transfer fee of £1 million, and represented the club in the Premier League after winning the Championship in 2014.’

That was a straight lift from Wikipaedia. Why? Well, apparently Jamie’s story is being considered as a suitable subject for the Hollywood film treatment. Seriously. Hollywood writer, Adrian Butchart, the man behind the successful (it says here) Goal! films, is (allegedly) planning to make a film of Vardy’s ‘rags to riches’ story. Three Goal! films have been made. Since it was always intended to be a trilogy, that makes sense. So, in 2005 we had Goal! The Dream Begins, followed in 2007 by Goal! II : Living the Dream and finally, in 2009, Goal! III : Taking on the World. Having not watched, or even wanted to watch any of these films, from what I have read, they would appear to be the usual Hollywood fayre of underdog getting his big chance and, despite the odds being stacked against him, triumphs in the end (just in time for the closing credits, who’d have thought it?). Yay! Think Rocky meets Roy of the Rovers and you have it in a nutshell. Robert Pattinson is being touted as the man to play Vardy. So is Zak Efron. All I can say is ye gods and little fishes! With any luck the film will be out at Christmas; that’s when you usually get turkeys.

 

Another sporting triumph also deserves a wee mention. For the first time in 79 years, Britain has won the Davis Cup. Yay! Well done lads. I have a problem with the coverage, though. Do you remember the pop group Bros? This is (slightly) relevant, I assure you. It was a pop group from the late 1980s. A trio, in fact. Oddly, the band contained two brothers - identical twins Matt and Luke Goss - and one other. I say ‘one other’ because this member just didn’t seem to fit in. The band is called Bros, right? Short for brothers, right? There are two members of the band who are obviously brothers, right? Peroxide blond twins, right? who’s this dark-haired bloke, then? Actually, his name was Craig Logan and even he wondered why he was there. After a couple of hits he left the band. Where is all this leading? Back to the Davis Cup, I hope. Like Bros, everyone will remember the brothers involved, in this case Jamie and Andy Murray, but who will remember the name of the third member of the winning team? Indeed, if you have seen any of the coverage from the Beeb Beeb Ceeb, you would be forgiven for thinking that Andy Murray had won the trophy single-handedly. The third guy’s name is Kyle Edmund and he played one match (which he lost) against David Goffin. That sounds as if he made no contribution, but Edmund (ranked 100 in the world) took the first two sets against world number 16, Goffin. So he very nearly caused an upset. Will anyone remember his name as the third member of Britain’s Davis Cup winning team? Doubt it.

By the way, Craig Logan left Bros at the age of 19 and has since that time become a very successful manager in the music industry working with Sade, Pink and Tina Turner. He was also influential in the success of one Robbie Williams [Thank goodness there is only one. - Ed.].

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 5th of December? Why, yes. There are, literally, a few. George Armstrong Custer 1839 (Trivia: Custer graduated from Westpoint last in his class and was considered a bit of a prankster.), Fritz Lang 1890 (Dorothy Parker once remarked, in reference to Lang's wife's ‘campaigning’ for his career, ‘There's a man who got where he is by the sweat of his Frau.’ Oh stop! My sides are splitting!), Walter Elias Disney 1901 (Who?), Otto Preminger 1905 (A vain man. On Desert Island Discs his choice of eight records were all scores from his own films, his choice of book was his own autobiography and his ‘luxury’ was a mirror.), George Savalas 1926 (Kojak’s brother.), Wayne Penniman 1932 (Who? Oh, Little Richard. What can I say? How about awopbopalloomopawopbamboom?), John Weldon Cale known as J.J. Cale 1938 (She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie.), Adrian Street 1940 (Aka Kid Tarzan, The Nature Boy or The Exotic One), Andy Kim 1946 (Sang Rock me Baby... Would this make you want to buy a Jeep Liberty No didn’t think so.), Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards 1963 (Heroic failure.), Ronnie O’Sullivan 1975 (Snookery bloke.) and Frankie Muniz 1985 (Trivia: Likes cars and basketball, but likes bananas more.)

Anyone in amongst that lot suitable for a bit of toon gramblerising? Well, no. How can you decipher anything Little Richard ever sang? I can hardly use J.J. Cale’s most famous tune Cocaine. You’ve already had Andy Kim (You haven’t? Go on, click on the link.) So, no gramblerisation this week. There is an anniversary to celebrate, though. 42 years ago, on the 5th of December 1973, an album was released by arguably Britain’s greatest songsmith - Paul McCartney. Unfortunately, this was his post Beatles effort Band on the Run by his band Wings. I was never even a Beatles fan, so I certainly wasn’t a fan of this period in McCartney’s career. He still had a tremendous following though, and the album sold by the skip load. However, I did like it for one (non-musical) reason: the cover. Can you name the six extra band members who featured?
 

 


 

Dare I finish this section with an incredibly cruel joke that was going around at the time? [Dare. Dare. - Ed.] Okay, the core of the band was McCartney, ex-Moody Blues warbler, Denny Laine and, for some unfathomable reason, McCartney’s wife, Linda. She had no discernable musical talent and presumably got the gig because she slept with the band’s frontman. She was not popular though. There were many comments made about her less than tuneful singing, her ‘playing’ of an instrument and her ‘ordinary’ looks. Cruel, but that was the perception at the time. The cruel joke? What do you call a pig with wings? Linda McCartney. Sorry, tasteless in the extreme. I won’t mention the John Lennon gag about what’s thin and comes in a yellow bag, then.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. Well, last week was much as the week before. We won. Unfortunately, we didn’t get enough to cover the stake money again, so our winnings actually lost us 32 pees. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Coventry vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 2 Doncaster 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Adam ‘Louis’ Armstrong coolly slotted into the bottom left corner to open the scoring for the League One leaders.

Sky Blues keeper Reice Charles-Cook could not hold Andy ‘Moon River’ Williams' shot as Nathan ‘Earbiter’ Tyson pounced to equalise for Rovers.

The hosts’ lead was restored when John Fleck rifled in a low 25-yard shot, before Tyson intercepted a pass and curled in for a second equaliser.

 

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Dagenham & Redbridge 1 Plymouth 1

Ooh! ’It the bar again!

Jodi Jones went closest in the first half with a curling shot that Plymouth keeper Christian ‘John Boy’ Walton parried.

The hosts took the lead when Joss Labadie strode forward with real power and slotted past Walton from close range.

But Plymouth salvaged an unlikely point when Ryan Brunt struck from distance with 30 seconds left.

 

Hartlepool vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Hartlepool 0 Oxford Utd 1

Yay!

Hartlepool midfielder Jake Gray hit the bar from 20 yards and was also involved in a penalty claim after a push by Johnny Mullins.

John Lundstram had a chance saved for the U's by Trevor Carson before Mikael Mandon nearly put the home side ahead.

Oxford scored from a counter-attack as Alex MacDonald crossed perfectly for substitute Danny Hylton to finish.

 

Northampton vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Northampton 2 Yeovil 0

Yay!

The Glovers had the opportunity to go in front after a Josh Sheehan cross, but Northampton counter-attacked and Lawson D'Ath slotted into an empty net.

Chris Wilder's side got their second goal as Marc Richards headed home Nicky Adams' delivery.

 

York vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Away win

Result - York 1 Accrington Stanley 5

Yay!

Matty Pearson opened the scoring with a 25-yard deflected strike before Billy Kee doubled their lead with a tap in.

Josh Windass added a third from the penalty spot after Stefan ‘Des’ O'Connor tripped Tom Davies, and Kee made it 4-0 after Sean McConville's shot was saved.

Bradley Fewster found the bottom corner for York but Shay McCartan wrapped up the away win with a 20-yard shot.

All together now... Everybody Stanley. Keep it in the family...etc.

 

So close to being a full house for The Grambler; just those two ‘near misses’ spoiling things. Ho hum. What has he/she/it got to work with this week? Thanks to cup matches taking place, there are only 29 senior league games kicking off at 3pm this Saturday, the 5th of December. From these, The grambler has randomly selected...

Game - Result - Odds

Arsenal vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win - 2/7

Brighton vs Charlton - Prediction Home win - 4/9

Albion vs Stranraer - Prediction Home win - Evens

Dunfermline vs Brechin - Prediction Home win - 1/5

East Stirling vs Clyde - Prediction Away win - 8/11

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£6.17

Is that it? £6.17??? That is rubbish! Well, fancy randomly selecting a 1/5 game. No wonder it’s so low.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Right, how about a teaser for this week? Okeydokey. Croatian Slaven Bilic is West Ham’s third non-British manager; who were the others? Write your answers on a postcard and throw it away.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr A. Street who eschewed (That’s a good word; I must look it up.) a life down the mines in Welsh Wales, isn’t it boyo to pursue his career as a flamboyant wrestler [Flamboyant? What, he could predict the future? - Ed.]. He is pictured below with his father (a miner for 51 years) on a visit to his home town.

 
 
Think Adrian might be the one on the right... Yes it must be because you can't see his helmet.

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Saturday, 28 November 2015

Week 17 - The Grambler's guide to warding off disease


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Kids don’t eat enough sh*t. They are Arthur Smith’s words, not mine. In a week when it was reported that bacteria are becoming more resistant to an increasing number of antibiotics, I was reminded of Arthur’s wise words. I was also reminded of a song by the Verve, but that’s neither here nor there. He wasn’t advocating kids being forcefed poo, he was simply bemoaning the fact that nowadays kids are taught to be ultra clean and so are not building up any sort of resistance to bacteria. When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time - Ed.] you were sent out to play and if you fell and got mucky, so be it. You didn’t carry a stock of wet-wipes or wet-ones around to clean off the dirt... not that there was such a thing as a wet-wipe in those halcyon days over half a century ago [Although a few kids might have dropped a wet one occasionally.  Ha! - Ed.].  If your hands got a bit mucky, you wiped them on your clothes. If the mud was caked on, you washed your hands in the nearest water available; usually a puddle. Then you wiped them on your clothes. When it was mealtimes, you weren’t told to wash your hands before you ate and, if you dropped any food on the floor (inside or outside), you picked it up and ate it. If you and your mates fancied a drink, there were always drinking fountains to use. The idea was always that you didn’t need to touch the actual faucet with your mouth but, of course, everybody did. If you and your pals could scrape together a few coppers, it was a treat to buy and share a bottle of lemonade, orangeade, limeade or cream soda. Oddly, we always called it ‘ginger’, no matter what flavour it was. Then you would each take a ‘slug’ out the bottle, thus sharing everyone’s germs. The only concession to hygiene was to give the bottle a wipe with your hand before taking a drink. You probably introduced more bacteria by giving it that wipe, but we didn’t realise it at the time.

What point am I making? Simply this. We probably ingested billions of bacteria every day without any ill effects. At the same time we were improving our chances of warding off disease. Nowadays, if a kid drops food what does he/she do? Give it a wipe and eat it? Nope. They chuck it in the bin. Children are taught to wash their hands every time there is any likelihood that they may have picked up a few germs. Out playing and you touch a plant? Wash hands. Outside and you fall? Wash hands. Going to the toilet? Wash hands. Before a meal, or any kind of food? Wash hands. Yes, it is right to be hygiene conscious, but, maybe it isn’t always the best thing for your health.

To finish, I am reminded of the time Mrs G and I took the grand nippers down to Blackpool for a few days (See Week 38 - We're grambling up the 'Pool ). One of the highlights of the break was the chance for them to do what kids have done at the beach since the earliest days of seaside holidays [What, peeing in the sea? - Ed.]. They went for a ride on a donkey. Off they went, led by the owner of this particular string of donkeys - there is probably a collective noun for a group of donkeys [A braying? - Ed.] but, as they were all roped together ‘string’ will have to do, should any pedants feel the urge to complain. The kids had a great five minutes, or however long the walk lasted, and when they got back to Mrs G and myself, if was wonderful to see how excited they were by such a simple treat. So we are all chattering away... ‘Did you enjoy that?’ ‘That was great!’ ‘My donkey was called Max’ ‘Can we go on again?’ etc. Another little boy who had also just been on a donkey, was equally excited and wanted to tell his mum all about it. What were her first words to him? ‘Did you enjoy that’ perhaps? No. Her first words to her excited little boy were, ‘Come and get your hands wiped with an anti-bacterial tissue.’ Those were her exact words; not wet-one or wet-wipe, but anti-bacterial tissue. I felt like shaking her and saying - ‘your son is really happy just now, it would be nice to share his enthusiasm.’ Anti-bacterial tissue, indeed.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 28th of November? Why, yes. A fair old number, to be sure. John Bunyan 1628 (The first man to identify the bony deformity of the foot that pilgrims got if they walked too far.), William Blake 1757 (And did those feet in ancient time... [What is this? National feet week?. - Ed.]), Friedrich Engels 1820 (Karl Marx’s less pushy sidekick? Less pushy? Indeed. We talk of Marxism but never Engelsism.), Manuel Gregorio Tavarez 1843 (Composer. Wrote Heaven Must be Missing an Angel.), Nancy Mitford 1904 (Poash wummin.), Gloria Grahame 1923 (Violet Bick), Berry Gordy 1929 (Owner of Motown. Trivia: His first success in the music world was as a songwriter; he co-wrote R-r-r-r-r-reet Petite which was a hit for Jackie Wilson.), Hope Lange 1933 (Dick Van Dyke’s second wife and model for the ‘Man-from-Mars Radio Hat’. One of those statements is not true.), Bruce Channel 1940 (Ooh! Aah!), Randy Newman 1942 (You got a friend in me.), Alexander Godunov 1949 (‘We are both professionals. This is personal’ - Name that film.), Hugh McKenna 1949 (Next.), Ed Harris 1950 (Orville the Duck’s owner. [That’s Keith, you twonk. - Ed.] Sorry, Keith the Duck’s owner.), David Van Day 1956 (Aka Burger Van Day), Kris Akabusi 1958 (Runny jumpy bloke.), Armando Iannucci 1963 (The hardman of political satire.) and Gavin Rae 1977 (Footy bloke).

Anyone in amongst that lot suitable for a bit of toon gramblerising? Yes indeedy. Mr Van Day, before the days when he ran his burger bar and before he was in the duo known as Dollar, he (and Dollar partner, Thereza Bazar) was in a vocal group called Guys and Dolls. Sorry, that’s wrong. Guys ’n’ Dolls. I find it so annoying; we are actually being told to pronounce something wrongly. It happens so often when we regularly pair things - fish ’n’ chips, salt ’n’ pepper. Gord ’n’ Bennett! Any road up, Guys ’n’ Dolls had a hit called There’s a Whole Lot of Loving which, I believe was a song used in an advert, although I can’t remember what product was being pushed [Not a very good advertisement, then. - Ed.]. It might have been crisps. Probably cheese ’n’ onion flavour. It happened a lot back in the day.

There's a whole lot of gramblin' goin' on in my heart
It's a feelin' I'm gramblin' through and through
There's a whole lot of gramblin' everytime we're apart
There's a whole lot of gramblin' just for you

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. Well, it had to change, didn’t it? Two weeks on the trot we made a profit, but last week it was back to normal. Oh yes, we won. Just not enough to recover the stake money. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Birmingham vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Birmingham 0 Charlton 1

Boo!

Despite dominating for long periods the hosts failed to make a breakthrough.

Johnnie Jackson broke the deadlock for the visitors in the second half when he headed in a Tareiq Holmes Dennis cross.

 

Reading vs Bolton - Prediction Home win

Result - Reading 2 Notlob* 1

Yay!

A defensive error then saw Lucas Piazon put the Royals ahead before Danny ‘Moon River’ Williams fired low into the net from 25 yards.

Liam Feeney's 80th-minute penalty for Bolton made it 2-1 but the hosts held on.

* A Monty Python’s Flying Circus reference.

 

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Dagenham & Redbridge 0 Oxford 1

Yay!

Midfielder Kemar ‘Uponthe’ Roofe, scored a stunning 25-yard free-kick for his 11th goal of the season.

Daggers went close through captain Joss Labadie, whose half-volley from the edge of the box was palmed over.

 

Leyton Orient vs York - Prediction Home win

Result - Leyton Orient 3 York 2

Yay!

Mathieu Baudry headed in goal number one and ‘Oh’ Jay Simpson scored before the Minstermen pulled one back when Bryn Morris deflected Vadaine Oliver's effort in.

Simpson drilled home to make it 3-1 before Oliver headed in late on, but Orient held on for the victory.

 

Annan vs Arbroath - Prediction Home win

Result - Annan 2 Arbroath 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Peter Weatherson's left-foot strike swept past Arbroath goalkeeper Allan Fleming for his ninth of the season.

The hosts got their second when Smart Osadolor smashed in his eighth goal of the season.

The visitors replied through Robert Linn before he turned provider for Greg Rutherford to slot his shot into the bottom-right corner.

 

That was last week. What has The Grambler got up his/her/its metaphorical sleeve this week? Only 41 senior games for he/she/it to choose from as the lower Scottish division teams are involved in the third round of the Scottish Cup. So, of those 41 matches taking place at 3pm on Saturday the 28th of November, what five has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Coventry vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win - Evens

Hartlepool vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Away win - 8/11

Northampton vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 4/6

York vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Away win - 10/11

 

The Grambler has gone for games from the English lower divisions today - Coventry - Doncaster from Division One (ie. three) and the rest from Division Two (ie. four). If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£10.57

1057 Eh? That was the year King Macbeth (him from off of the play) was killed in battle. Who says this blog isn’t educational? [I do. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked which was the only current Premiershit side never to have had a player called up for the England squad. The answer was, of course, Bournemouth. Too easy? Probably.

What about one for this week? There is a lot of talk of Leicester’s Jamie Vardy at the moment; last week, he equalled a Premiershit record by scoring in his tenth consecutive league game - Who does he share the accolade with? Bear in mind, that the record may be Vardy’s alone when I give you the answer to that one.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Ms H. Lange for a delightful picture of her, wearing some very fetching headgear, taken back in 1949.

 
 
Proof, if proof were needed, that Hope Lange was never married to Dick Van Dyke.  

 

Happy Grambling.