Saturday 29 December 2018

Week 19 - The Grambler congratulates Sir Michael Palin


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

This week's article may upset a few people... Well, American peopIe. I recently bemoaned the fact that supposedly educated beeb beeb ceeb news correspondents didn't know how to pronounce the word harassment (See Week 5 - The Grambler on Alex Salmond.). Well, I'm on my high horse again...

I am becoming increasingly miffed that Americanisms are creeping into everyday talk here in the old country.

Shoot! Whut you talking bout bro, I hear you ask. Well, here are some examples.

Because so many tv programme providers originate in America, when people refer to a series of programmes, they now seem to say season rather than series. And that bugs me. Why should it, I hear you ask. Simply, I feel that season suggests something that happens year in and year out. Sadly, that is the case with American programming; if a programme is successful, it will be continued until people get fed up with it, whether the quality of the show has been maintained or not. Generally, the quality is no longer there. Basically, an idea is milked dry and then some. Think Last of the Summer Wine here in the UK, a programme which ran well beyond its sell by date. Mind you, it did provide employment for many over the hill comedy actors. Still Open All Hours seems to have taken on that role of late. Any road up, the point is that, in America, it is expected that a programme will return year after year, so the use of the word season is apt. In Britain, there might be three series and no more; how the fu... How can each series be called a season?

Yeah, I know; I'm just a grumpy old git who hates Americanisms.

Movie for film is another that bothers me.

Butt. That's another one I can't stand. It seems to be used an awful lot these days. What's wrong with bum, backside or good old arse? When did this butt nonsense start? At least we haven't started calling it a fanny, as they do over in the good old us of a. I nearly fell off my seat when I first heard someone describe what we would call a bum bag, as a fanny pack.

When you go into a coffee shop to buy a cup of coffee to take away you are no longer expected to use that term; instead, you ask for whatever beverage it is to 'go'. What is wrong with asking for a cup of coffee to take away?

Speaking of go... don't stop me now, I'm on a roll... I hear people talking about the start of something being the 'get go'. To me, that is just meaningless drivel. What is wrong with a proper word... beginning, that makes some sense? Get go? Utter nonsense.

Twenty four seven. That one really annoys me. Surely it's easier to say I'm always available rather that I'm available twenty four seven.

Nine eleven. That's another one that has been used and overused since the attack on the twin tower buildings in new York. It happened on the eleventh of September, not the ninth of November... Honestly, some people!

Elevator for lift is another I've heard. Call me old fashioned [You're old fashioned. - Ed.]... thanks... but I just don't want such words in our language.
Poor grammar seems to feature as well. When I ask someone how they are, I am not wishing to know if they are good. Good at what? The answer required is that they are well or unwell, not good or bad. I am enquiring about your health; I couldn't give a monkey's about your behaviour.

Business people seem to have picked up on Americanisms in a big way. One expression that I have heard reasonably normal people use is touch base. Sorry pardon excuse me? Touch base? Sounds too close to touch cloth for my liking. They will say, 'We'll touch base soon.' What they mean is, we'll meet and talk. Why can't they just say that.

British people calling our currency bucks is another that I can't abide. We use pounds sterling not bucks. And we've got enough decent slang terms of our own without borrowing the slang for dollar. Smacker, nicker, and my own favourite quids are all there without resorting to U.S. terms.

How long have you been reading this? A half hour? I hope not. It's half an hour, all right?

Where do you go for a meal out? Hopefully, you go to a restaurant and not the horrible sounding eaterie.

Here's another one. Issues. Nobody has problems these days; instead, they have issues. I'm sorry, I just don't get that one.

Thankfully, there are some words which haven't crossed the Atlantic yet. Not quite...

Why do Americans say alternate when they clearly mean alternative? To me, alternate is to move back and forth between two things. Alternating current, for example. The clues are there, American people.

And what is expiration all about? It's expiry for crying out loud.

Math for the shortening of mathematics. The s on the end of the word suggests a plural so maths seems eminently preferable. To old grumpy here Anyway.

Pronunciation is also becoming a bit of a peeve of mine. Over here in dear old Blighty we have begun to pronounce words the same way as they do in America...

Schedule is one that annoys me when people pronounce it skedule instead of shedule.

Lieutenant is another that gets on my wick. So many young people pronounce it as loo tenant [Someone who lives in a bathroom? - Ed.] Ahem... instead of the correct leftenant. Although I have no idea why that pronunciation was ever adopted in English in the first place, as the word obviously comes from the French. We don't say lef when we mean lieu, do we?

Talking of French words do you play the old party game of charades? How do you pronounce the word? [You don't pronounce anything; it's a game of mime. -Ed.] Ahem, where was I? Do you pronounce it charades as in shades or as in cards. You see, again, many are adopting the American 'ades' pronunciation.

Debris with the emphasis on the bris rather than the deb is another.

How long till people in Britain start saying leisure as lee instead of le? Talking of faucets instead of taps? Soda instead of fizzy drink? The list would seem to be endless.

So there you have it; a right old belly ache (grumble) from A for automobile (car) to Z for erm... zee (zed).

 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 29th of December? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Charles Goodyear 1800 (The well-known chemist who developed vulcanised rubber.), Andrew Johnson 1808 (The well-known president of the United States of America.), William Gladstone 1809 (The well-known prime minister.), Pablo Casals 1876 (The well-known cellist. Time for our first clip. Have a bit of Bach.), Magnus Pyke 1908 (The well-known scientist known for his eccentricity. Have another clip.  Here he is being blinded by science.), Mary Tyler Moore 1936 (The well-known actress and producer. Married to Dick Van Dyke. [Really? - Ed.] No.), Harvey Smith 1938 (The well-known showjumper.), Jon Voight 1938 (The well-known actor.), Ray Thomas 1941 (The well-known Moody Blue flautist. Time for another clip. Here's a toon about night attire.), Marianne Faithfull 1946 (The well-known singer. Another clip? Why not.  Here are some tears going by. [I don’t know why, but I could go a Mars Bar. - Ed.]), Ted Danson 1947 (The well-known toupee-sporting actor.), Cozy Powell 1947 (The well-known drummy bloke. Have a wee jig with Satan.), Yvonne Elliman 1951 (The well-known singer of this song. If she can't have you, she don't want nobody.  Shocking grammar.), Jim Reid 1961 (The well-known bit of the Jesus and Mary Chain. Another clip? Apparently, they are happy when it rains.), Allan McNish 1969 (The well-known racey car bloke.), Jude Law 1972 (The well-known ectaw.), Kieron Dyer 1978 (The well-known footy bloke.) and Steve Kemp 1978 (The not so well-known drummy bloke from Hard-Fi. Here's Cash Machine.).

 
I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Flambeau,

How nice to hear Yvonne Elliman again. We are three fans who enjoyed her music back in the seventies. We know If I Can’t Have You was her only top ten hit in the UK, but can’t recall what her next best performing song was. Can you help?

Best wishes,

Ike Ontget, U. Outham, I. Mined.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? We got a little money back, though not enough to recoup all our stake money. £2.14 back, so a loss of six pees. I won’t bore you with the details, let’s just move on to this week’s games. What has The Grambler randomly predicted for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Watford vs Newcastle - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Bolton vs Stoke - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Swansea vs Wigan - - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Accrington vs Peterborough - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Sunderland vs Shrewsbury - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.80

 

Ooh... actually more whopping than last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Premiershit club has the smallest capacity at only 11,329. The answer is Bournemouth, or Athletic Football Club Bournemouth to give it its full Sunday name.

One for this week? Which striker scored the first hat-trick of the 2018/19 Premier League season? A secondary question: which club did he score it against? Easy peasy?

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I believe congratulations are due to Sir Michael Palin and Dame Twiggy. Well done on living long enough to get a gong. It is only right that we should end with a clip featuring Sir Michael from way, way back. Ladeez and genullum, enjoy The Fish Slapping Dance.

 
Congratulations Dame Twiggy
 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 22 December 2018

Week 18 - A Christmas cracker from The Grambler


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

And so this is Christmas,

And what have we done?

Another year over,

And a new one just begun...

 

Oh, there’s nothing like an jolly Christmarse song to start off an grarmble. Arnd that was serpently nothing like arn jolly Christmarse song. A dismarlly dull dirge if you arsk me. His calendar’s an bit mixted up as well. New year is the week arfter Christmarse, so it harsn’t begun yet. Mind you, he couldn’t really sing ‘Another year over... next week... arnd an new one will begin... erm... next week.’ That would be darft.

That was an song by that Neil Lennon, bloke. Ooh, I never rated him, me. He wrote some right dispressing songs, he did. That one about the raspberry... no... strawberry picking. Miserarble. And it doesn’t even make sense... the strawberry season only lasts an couple of months... you carn’t pick them forever like what he says. What about the one where he’s an farmer selling his eggs? What’s arn blibbing walrus got to do with the price of fish... they eat fish, though.

How’s it gaun, bud?

Why it’s my old alcoholic acquaintance, Dougie (the local inebriate). How the blibbing flip are you?

Kin brilliant, by the way. Kin mad wi it. Full of kin Christmas spirits, so ahm ur.

You mean Christmarse spirit, surely?

I kin know what I mean. How’s yoursel?

I’m not too bard, tharnk you for arsking... I like the crutch. Very Christmarsy. Nice tinsel. Erm... why does it never touch the ground?

That’s cus it’s a kin special crutch.

What? It hovers?

Naw naw naw. See they wee kin holes fur making it longer or shorter?

Yes... No. No I don’t.

That’s cus they’re no kin there. Ah’ve hud them filled in.

Oh, I see... No, I don’t see. Why?

Kin tube.

There’s no need for larnguage like thart just because I don’t understarnd.

Naw naw naw. It’s a kin tube. And you know what you can put in a tube?

Erm... enlighten me.

Kin voddie, that’s whit.

Oh, I see. No I don’t. What the blibbing flip hars that got to do with it not touching the ground?

See that kin rubber bit at the bottom?

Yarse.

That’s the kin tap.

The bottom is the top?

S’right.

No... You’ve lost me.

See, it’s full of voddie an’ that’s the screw tap. Wouldnae want that getting damaged; I’d lose aw my bevvy. Here, talking of bevvy... Fancy a wee salvy?

Ah... a Savlondor Dalai Lama ... rhyming slarng for drink; I thought you’d never arsk. It is Christmarse, arfter all. (Slurp) Oh, I say, That’s an bit... erm... interarsting.

Kin brilliant, intit?

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that.

Here, huv another wee swally.

Ooh, my word. I’m getting a burning senstation.

Whereaboots?

In my testincoles. Oh, my goodnarse me. Mind you, it’s becoming more palastable, the more I drink. What the flip is it.

It’s a kin cocktail I’ve made up up for Christmas. See aw these kin prosecco cocktails ye get?

Prostecco? Yarse.

Well, me an ma buds cannae afford them, cus of this minimum pricing shite for alcohol. I’m telling ye, it’s kin discrimination, so it is.

Discrimpination? Against who... whom?

Us! Me and ma buds! It’s discriminating against drunken bastards who sit on their arses aw day getting kin blootered!

I suspose you harve an point... an strupid one, but definartely an point.

Onywey, I’m come up wi ma ain kin cocktail fur Christmas. It’s a mixture of Buckfast and cider.

Harve you given it an name?

Oh aye... Buckie’s Fizz. Cheers!

Cheers!

Yes... well. Thank you for that Christmas cheer, Arthur and Dougie.

Before I begin a short (g)ramble, I have to make an apology. Last week’s teaser seemed a good one to me. It must have been, because I used the same question in Week 11 - The Grambler congratulates Rod Stewart.  My only excuse is that it happened over two years ago and the memory isn’t what it once was. [Two excuses, I think you’ll find - Ed.]

Anyway, on with the (g)ramble. It is Christmas, as Arthur and Dougie (the local inebriate) reminded us, and it is a time that many people use to take a holiday abroad. Instead of spending a bit of time celebrating the most significant celebration we have each year, they decide to bog off out of it... miserable cu [Steady on. - Ed.].

Well, the main lunchtime news item of today was that Gatwick airport had been closed since 9 o’clock last night resulting in hundreds of flights having to be cancelled and leaving thousands of people stranded in the airport building.

What was the cause of the closure? Baggage handlers on a go slow? As if. Air crew refusing to fly? I should cocoa. French air traffic controllers on strike? Not this time. No, the reason for the complete shutdown of England’s second busiest airport was that two drones were spotted in the vicinity.

The whole escapade has led to a discussion in the House of Lords, no less, that there should be a strengthening of the sentences meted out to those idiots that choose to fly their clever little toys in airspace around an airport. Currently, there is a drone no fly zone around all airports and if anyone breaches that space they are liable for an unlimited fine or up to five years imprisonment. You would think those laws are already strict enough to dissuade anyone from being stupid enough to break the rule.

My view on the subject, in typical Grambler fashion, is there is a simple solution which nobody has mentioned.

How much do these droney things cost? A thousand? Two thousand? I have no idea, but I imagine they are not cheap, especially if equipped with cameras. My solution? Blast the f*****s out of the sky with a shotgun. Cost? A bung of a few quid to the nearest farmer. Job done.

I would wager that losing their fancy gadget would be enough to stop anyone troubling the airport authorities again.

No no, I don’t ask for reward; just look on it as my Christmas gift to you all.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 22nd of December? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Giacomo Puccini 1858 (Composer. Have a link. Here’s One Fine Day from Madame Butterfly.), J. Arthur Rank 1888 (Film maker and rhyming slang), Peggy Ashcroft 1907 (Ectress. Worked for Old Vic. I’ve no idea who he is.), Patricia Hayes 1909 (Comedy actress.), Lady Bird Johnson 1912 (Wife of Lyndon B. Not a real ladybird.), Peregrine Worsthorne 1923 (Journalist. Not a real peregrine.), James Burke 1936 (TV presenter of science type programmes. Here is an extract from his Wikipedia page... In 1973, Burke predicted the widespread use of computers for business decisions, the creation of metadata banks of personal information, and changes in human behaviour, such as greater willingness to reveal personal information to strangers. Hmm.), Dick Parry 1942 (Who? He’s a saxophonist... They can’t touch you for it. You might recognise this piece of music.), Rick Nielsen 1948 (Geetarist with Cheap Trick. Have a clip. Here’s their early hit.), Chris Old 1948 (Crickety bloke.), Maurice and Robin Gibb 1949 (The late Bee Gees. I think another clip is in order... But which one?), Jean-Michel Basquiat 1960 (Artist.), Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes 1962 (Ectaw dear leddie.), Dan Petrescu 1967 (Fotbalistul.), Richey Edwards 1967 (The Manic Street Preacher who disappeared in 1995. Here’s an early one.), Vanessa Paradis 1972 (Singer and actress. Here’s a nice toon.) and Meghan Trainor 1993 (Singer/songwriter. Have a clip. This is her hit.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grambleu,

My good friend Mr. Hugh Wynn-Agenn wrote to you some time ago thanking you for including a Bee Gees song in among the links. I am also a big fan of the Isle of Man’s most famous musicians. I have a question for you. What was the last song that was a hit for the three of them?

Many thanks,

Al Owen.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? Nothing. Obviously. There was no bet. Time to remedy that. What has The Grambler randomly predicted for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Ipswich vs Sheffield Utd. - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Reading vs Middlesbrough - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Rotherham vs West Brom - Prediction Away win - 5/6

Stevenage vs Mansfield - Prediction Away win - 10/11

Hamilton vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Away win - 8/11

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.00

 

Well, it’s a nice round figure, and moderately whopping I suppose.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that the Second Division match between QPR and Luton Town played at Loftus Road on 1st September 1981 was a first in League history and I asked you what that first was. Well, those of you who have been paying attention will have spotted my foxes paw immediately. Imagine asking you the same question I asked on the 13th of October 2016. I feel such a fool. [Only now? - Ed.] Anyway, it was the first match in the leagues to be played on an artificial pitch.

One for this week? Which Premiershit club has the smallest capacity at only 11,329? Blimey, that’s even less than Motherwell (13,677). Mind you, I dare say the English club has every seat occupied... unlike Motherwell. Anyway, one to get you thinking, there.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. Ian Dependent who recently conducted a poll to find this year’s best (worst?) Christmas cracker jokes which I include for your entertainment.

Did you know that Christmas crackers were invented by Tom Smith in 1847? No? Well, they were. They weren’t called crackers originally. Apparently, they were called cossacks. No, I don’t understand that either. Maybe it is just a wind up on Wikipedia.

Any road up, here are the 15 winners of the cracker joke poll...

 

1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off

2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?

Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers

3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?

No prophet

4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?

Their silence

5. When do sheep practice their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night

6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?

The stable had some wise men in it

7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?

She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?

Suits

9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?

She misjudged the strength of the punch

10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper

11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?

They keep changing the thyme

12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?

Because he’s tired of being in the single market

13. What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?

Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher

14. What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?

Shred sauce

15. Who won the North Pole Love Island?

Dani Deer

Oh deer... I think you will agree with me that they were, without exception, truly awful.
 
He's pulled
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

May I add an extra few words to end this blog in the week leading up to Christmas? It is, in the words of Andy Williams, the most wonderful time of the year. It can, however, be the saddest time of the year for many. I am thinking of those who have lost someone close. Christmas seems to be the time when they are most missed.

That certainly is the way Christmas affects us. Stewart (the founder of this wonderful blog) loved Christmas; it really was his favourite time. There are so many things we see and do that remind us of him. We remember how so many of our little family ‘traditions’ delighted him and how he began his own Christmas rituals like going to the Glasgow Film Theatre every year to watch It’s a Wonderful Life.

It may be over five years ago that he left us, but our memories of him don’t diminish and, especially at this time of year, we think of him a lot. We do try to concentrate our thoughts on the happier times rather than the dark days of his awful illness, but it is hard to forget his last Christmas at home which was such a terrible time for him.

Hopefully, those of you who are in a similar position will also be able to focus on the good times rather than the bad and will be able to smile as you recall them.

I wish you well, especially as you deal with the festive period.
 
 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 15 December 2018

Week 17 - Grambling with the elf


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

WARNING: IF YOU ARE A BIT PRECIOUS ABOUT RELIGION AND STUFF, I WOULD SUGGEST YOU LOOK AWAY NOW.

'Phew, Mary, that was some trek. I wish they'd get that Bethlehem bypass finished. And it's murder at this time of year with everyone heading home for solstice.'

'God, I think me waters are breaking.'

'Will you stop mentioning God. It's God this and God that. What about me? Don't I get a look in?'

'God, stop mithering will you.'

'Hmph! It's giving me a right complex.'

'God, we're gonna need to find somewhere to kip for the night.'

'Here's an Itinerantur Noxiae. Let's try here...'

'...Yes sir, how can I help you?'

'May we have a room for the night, as you can see my wife is heavy with child.'

'You what?'

'She's preggers. Give’s a room, will you.'

'Certainly, sir.'

'You mean you've got one?'

'Yup.'

'Hey up, Mary, we're in luck. He's got a room.'

'God, just hurry up will yer'

'How much is it?'

'50 shekels.'

'How much? You must be joking! It's 20 normally.'

'Time of year mate. We can fill ’em all at this time of year. Supply and demand.'

'Supply and demand my old boots! Extortion more like. It's daylight robbery! Come on Mary. We're going.'

'God, Joe can't we just pay the extra?'

'Blow that for a game of soldiers! Come on lass, we're off... wait till the new bypass comes, you crook. You won't be ripping people off so quickly then!'

'Leave it Joe; he’s not worth it. God, its nearly here.'

'Don't worry we'll find somewhere...

...What about this old barn?'

'An old barn? I've got to have me sprog in an old barn? God, I tell you what, when this baby comes, your name’s not going on the birth certificate...'

'Eh? Well, whose name will go on, then?'

'God, I don’t know.'

The rest, as they say, is history.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 15th of December? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Nero 37AD (The well-known emperor. Looked a bit like Peter Ustinov, or Christopher Biggins.), Gustave Eiffel 1832 (The well-known engineer. Go on, have a guess what he designed.), Charles Duryea 1861 (Who? He was the engineer and businessman who made and sold the first American-produced motor cars. Educational, this is.), J. Paul Getty 1892 (Rich bloke. Looked nothing like Donald Sutherland.), Harold Abrahams 1899 (Runny bloke. Looked nothing like Ben Cross.), Oscar Niemeyer 1907 (Architect. I once stayed in a building he designed... Blibbing monstrosity.), Stan Kenton 1911 (Jehhhzzz musician. Have a clip. This is his signature toon, Artistry in Rhythm.  Hmm...), Jeff Chandler 1918 (Actor. Looked nothing like Cochise. He died aged just 42 when a medical procedure went disastrously wrong.), Max Yasgur 1919 (Farmer.), Alan Freed 1921 (DJ who famously promoted rock and roll. Unfortunately, he also took a few bribes to ‘promote’ some musicians in what became known as the Payola scandal. Not surpringly, his career was effectively finished when the details of his means of raking in extra income became known.), Edna O’Brien 1930 (Orfer.), Cindy Birdsong 1939 (Singer. Replaced Florence Ballard in the Supremes. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Nathan Jones.), Dave Clark (pictured) 1942 (Drummy bloke with his five. A clip? Here’s their biggest ’it, Glad All Over.),
 
Yes, the Klingon on the left really is the older
version of the bloke on the right. 
 
 
 
Carmine Appice 1946 (Another drummy bloke. Here he is with mates Jeff Beck and Tim Bogert with Black Cat Moan.), Don Johnson 1949 (Actor who got to drive fast cars and boats in Miami Vice. Er... that’s it. Oh, hang on, the gullible public shelled out good money for this.), Joe Jordan 1951 (Footy bloke.), Paul Simonon 1955 (A bit of the Clash. Have a clip. Here’s London Calling.  He’s the cat in the hat.), Paul Kaye 1964 (Comedian, it says here.), Frankie Dettori 1970 (Horse racey bloke.), Michelle Dockery 1981 (Ectress. Lady Mary in Downton Abbey. Er... that’s it.) and Jesse Lingard 1992 (Footy bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Crumblier,

Thank you for a link to one of my favourite bands, The Clash. An excellent choice too; London Calling was probably their biggest hit, if you disregard the re-release of Should I Stay or Should I Go which got to number one after being used on a commercial. Any road up, here is a teaser for you. What was their very first single release? That has got you foxed, I’ll bet.

Yours rockingly,

Y. Tryott.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? Well, those who take the time to actually read The Grambler’s predictions were probably a bit confused. I certainly was. How the fu... How could Leeds be playing two games at three o’clock on the same day? Obviously they weren’t. Yours truly had fed The Grambler the wrong information. He/she/it had the 3pm games from last week (the 8th) and this week (the 15th) to select from. That is the reason that Leeds came up twice.

All this means that it is not really worth doing a gramble this week as last week’s predictions are still valid. That is also why I have not published this edition earlier. Fortunately, it allows me to check the results of the bets to see how we got on... Bear with me a few seconds while I check. Just talk amongst yourselves...

 

 

Right. Found it. We have, over the past two Saturdays, won... fanfare please... Hang on, cancel that fanfare...
 

£1.82

 

Rubbish or what.

We’ll give The Grambler a wipe down with an oily rag and he/she/it will be back next week as good/bad as ever.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the first black player to win a full England cap. I also gave you a secondary question and asked you what year it happened. The answers are Nottingham Forest defender Viv Anderson in 1978.

One for this week? How about this? The Second Division match between QPR and Luton Town played at Loftus Road on 1st September 1981 was a first in League history. The first what? Hmm... interesting.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, an odd ode...

 

Christmas/gramblemas is coming,

The goose is getting fat,


Two pounds is the minimum amount you can donate, a pound won’t do,

But you can put lots more in if you really want to.

 

Yeah, I know; it doesn’t exactly scan too well but, as it is Christmas/gramblemas, let’s all give a bit to the fund. Go on. You know you want to.

And finally finally...

Christmas/gramblemas is all about tradition isn’t it. We celebrate the birth of Jesus every year. We open advent calendars. We wait for a big fat bearded bloke to come down our chimneys. We love giving and getting presents. We go to pantomimes. We eat sprouts.

I like the new ‘tradition’ that has begun recently. How can a tradition be new, I hear you ask. Well, I believe this one will still be around when I have popped my clogs. It is the ‘naughty elf on the shelf’. Sorry pardon excuse me? In the weeks leading up to Christmas/gramblemas the naughty elf makes regular appearances and does mischievous things through the night, but tends to be found in some compromising situation by the children of the household each morning.

The things little elfie get up to can be very naughty indeed. Dressing up in Barbie’s dress? Yep. Wrapping the Christmas/gramblemas tree in toilet paper? Of course. Doing a snow angel in icing sugar? Uh huh. Snorting icing sugar? Er... perhaps not.

Any road up, the naughty elf on the shelf gets my vote as being a worthwhile addition to the list of traditions.

Here at grambler towers, we also have our own little Christmas/gramblemas tradition. [Do we? - Ed.] We do. There is a certain song which gets included as a clip at this time of year.  [Is there? - Ed.]  Yes.  It was Stewart’s favourite Christmas song and so, ladeez and genullum, let’s end with Shakin Stevens and Merry Christmas Everyone.

That was a recent ‘performance’ from what appeared to be a charity fundraising programme. Talking of which, remember that Justgiving page - https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/geraldine-smith3. That’s https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/geraldine-smith3. Don’t forget, now, https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/geraldine-smith3. Let’s donate muchly and help put an end to the horrible disease that is bowel cancer.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 8 December 2018

Week 16 - The Grambler on Pete Shelley


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

It's that time of year again. The time when common sense is cast to the wind and people just go a bit mental. Yes, gramblemas is on its way and the shops are full of expensive tat which retailers have the cheek to call gifts. Well, you know my views on gifts. Please don't buy me any. Vouchers, yes. Money, yes. Indeed, I am happy to receive anything that is on some way useful. But don't get me a 'gift'.

Gifts tend to be something considered as witty by whoever designed them. I've had my fair share of 'amusing' underwear and socks over the years and I've hated every single example.

I particularly dislike Christmassy socks. Underwear can be worn simply because it remains out of sight. Socks, however, are visible to others. Thus, they can see what dreadful taste you have in hosiery.

So, if anyone is interested, please... definitely no novelty socks.

Mrs G recently bought me a pack of socks; just plain black socks. I say plain, they did have the makers name discreetly embroidered on them. I won't say the name of that company except that it makes jumpers which are popular with golfers.

Everything was fine... initially. The problems arose after the first wash. When they dried, I paired them up in the right colours... Did I tell you some had red embroidery and some had blue? Any road up, the next time I was wearing a pair, somebody remarked that I was wearing odd socks. How can that be, I thought. I paired them myself, how can they possibly be odd?

He was right though. The right sock had its embroidered name, but the left one didn't. What kind of witchcraft was afoot? [A foot. Sock. Very good. - Ed.] None, obviously. except that these socks are handed, or should I say, footed. There is only embroidery on one side. Thus, for a right foot sock it is to the right of the heel and on the left foot to the left. Dead simple. Bloody annoying though that I have to check each sock has the correct partner when I'm pairing the damn things.

I tell you what, just don't buy me Pringles' socks. Oops... I've said the brand name now. And their crisps are rubbish too.

Here's a story (supposedly true, but more likely apocryphal. Ooer, that's a big word. Wonder what it means.) which is loosely related.

Some lads in a small village decide that, as a change from their usual evening haunt, the local pub, they should visit the nearby golf club for a drink or two. When they enter the bar there are sharp intakes of breath and tutting sounds from the golf types drinking there. Ignoring these, one of the lads orders some drinks, but the barman refuses to serve them and points to a sign on the wall which reads - ‘No denims or trainers to be worn’.

Rather than cause trouble, our thirsty crew head back to their local. A discussion ensues about the treatment received at the golf club. They all agree that it was a bit unfair when it was quite acceptable for members of the golf club to drink in their pub, which they frequently did. They also agree that they should get their own back...

The next night some golfers drop into the hostelry for a drink after playing a game at their club. One orders drinks and is refused service. The barman nods towards a sign on the wall which reads - ‘No Pringle jumpers to be worn’.

Boom and, as it were, tish.

 

A 'tasteful' garment

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 8th of December? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Horace 65BC (Poet. Want a sample? Here goes... Quis multa gracilis te puer in rosa / perfusus liquidis urget odoribus / grato, Pyrrha, sub antro? / cui flavam religas comam / simplex munditiis? heu quotiens fidem / mutatosque deos flebit et aspera / nigris aequora ventis / emirabitur insolens! Wise words there, mate.), Mary, Queen of Scots 1542 (The well-known queen. Factoid: she married the Dauphin of France when she was 15 and was widowed just two years later.), William C. Drant 1861 (Founder of General Motors and Chevrolet.), Georges Méliès 1861 (Film pioneer.), George Feydeau 1862 (Playwright.), Jean Sibelius 1865 (Composer. Time for a clip, methinks. Here’s, arguably, his most famous work, Finlandia.  Go on, have a guess where he came from.), Diego María de la Concepción Juan Nepomuceno Estanislao de la Rivera y Barrientos Acosta y Rodríguez. Blimey, no wonder he shortened it to Diego Rivera 1886 (Artist.), E. C. Segar 1892 (Cartoonist. Created Popeye.), James Thurber 1894 (Humorist.), Arthur Leslie 1899 (Actor. Played Jack Walker in Corrie.), Lee J. Cobb 1911 (Actor. An angry man; one of a complete set of 12.), Richard Fleischer 1916 (Film director. Fantastic Voyage, that was one of his.), Lucien Freud 1922 (Artist, it says here. Grandson of Sigmund and big brother of Clement.), Sammy Davis Jr. 1925 (All-round entertainer, it says here. One of a pack of rats.), Jimmy Smith 1925... or possibly 1928 (Musician. Let’s have a clip. What about some jehhhzzz, or is it soul funk? I said funk. Here’s Midnight Special.), Julian Critchley 1930 (Journo and politico.), Maximilian Schell 1930 (Actor. Won a Noscar for Judgment at Nuremberg. He must have been good at pretending, then.), Flip Wilson 1933 (Comedian, it says here.), David Carradine 1936 (Actor. Glasshopper, that was him.), James McArthur 1937 (Actor. Danno, that was him.), James Galway 1939 (Flautist. Another clip? Why not.  Let's rawwwk!!!), Soko Richardson 1939 (Drummer. He is responsible for this arrangement of Proud Mary featuring her with the legs.), Bobby Elliott 1941 (Another drummer. A Holly. Another clip? Aye go on then. Here’s a smashing bit of footage.), Geoff Hurst 1941 (Footy bloke. Factoid: he is the only man to score a hat-trick in a World Cup final. [When was that, then? - Ed.]), Jim Morrison 1943 (A Door. A clip? Here’s Hello, I Love You... or is it All Day and All of the Night?), George Baker 1944 (Singer/songwriter. With his Selection, produced this song which a certain Mr Tatantino must have liked.), Ray Shulman 1949 (Musician. A bit of Gentle Giant. Have a clip from his Gentle Giant  days and another from his time as Head-Doctor.  Contrast and compare.), Dan Hartman 1950 (Musician. Have a bit of 70s’ disco with Instant Replay.), Bill Bryson 1951 (Writer.), Kim Basinger 1953 (Actress.), Kasim Sultan 1955 (Musician. A bit of Utopia. Here he is asking to be set free.), Teri Hatcher 1964 (Actress. Lois Lane, that was her.), David Harewood 1965 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Les Ferdinand 1966 (Footy bloke.), Sinéad O'Connor aka Magda Davitt aka Shuhada Davitt 1966 (Singer. Here’s her biggest hit... Nothing Compares 2U.), Amir Khan 1986 (Boxy bloke.) and Raheem Sterling 1994 (Footy bloke.).

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Strangler,

I am pleased that you gave a link to some Hollies footage; they are a much underrated act. I know that the dirge ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’ reached number one, but I am sure they had another number one record back in the sixties, but can’t remember the name of it. Can you help?

Yours quizzically,

I. Mallive.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week? We actually made a profit. Woo hoo! £4.58 back from our £2.20 stake. Not bad at all. What happened? Read on...

 

Leicester vs Watford - Prediction Home win

Result - Leicester 2 Watford 0

Yay!

Taking the ball beautifully from Marc Albrighton’s crossfield pass, Leicester’s James Maddison advanced towards goal and then took full advantage of Adrian Mariappa’s attempted clearance to crash a volley past Ben Foster.

On 23 minutes, a Ben Chilwell pass released Jamie Vardy and he was taken out in the area by Watford’s goalkeeper Foster, presenting referee Graham Scott with a simple decision.

Vardy’s penalty was equally simple, directing the ball into the bottom left corner with Foster diving the other way.

Blackburn vs Sheff. Wed. - Prediction Home win

Result - Blackburn Rovers 4 Sheffield Wednesday 2

Yay!

Danny Graham scored a hat-trick for Blackburn Rovers as his side claimed a deserved 4-2 win over Sheffield Wednesday.

Goals from Graham and Bradley Dack gave Blackburn a 2-0 lead with less than half-an-hour to go, before Lucas Joao's thunderous strike put Wednesday within touching distance.

Graham's second restored Rovers' two-goal lead before a David Raya own goal against the run of play gave Wednesday hope once again.

But Graham had the last word as he prodded home from close-range.

 

Derby vs Swansea - Prediction Home win

Result - Derby County 2 Swansea City 1

Yay!

Derby again benefited as Harry Wilson made the most of his chances with a spectacular opener after half an hour and equally impressive second effort ten minutes later.

The hosts could have scored more after the break, but a lack of accuracy allowed the visitors to gain second-half momentum.

That culminated in Tomori putting the ball into his own net under pressure on the line from Leroy Fer with three minutes remaining.

It made for a tense final few minutes, but the Rams held on to secure a victory .

 

Nottm. Forest vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Nottingham Forest 2 Ipswich Town 0

Yay!

Bartosz Bialkowski's inability to hold Tendayi Darikwa's shot allowed Lewis Grabban to fire home the opener on the rebound.

Gil Dias saw a headed effort come off the inside of the post for the Reds before Grabban met a Darikwa cross to tap-in from close range before the break.

Forest hit the woodwork twice more after half-time, Michael Hefele sending another header against the post before Grabban was denied a hat-trick by the crossbar.

 

QPR vs Hull - Prediction Home win

Result - Queens Park Rangers 2 Hull City 3

Boo!

Jarrod Bowen scored two and created a third as Hull City had an entertaining win at Queens Park Rangers.

A fine left-footed finish from Bowen and a header from Markus Henriksen put Nigel Adkins' side two goals up inside 25 minutes, before Pawel Wszolek halved the deficit for QPR.

Bowen's second-half effort looked to have sealed the win for Hull before a Luke Freeman goal in injury time ensured a nervous finish for the visitors.

 

 

Not a bad showing for The Grambler, can he/she/it repeat or even improve on that result this week? [Don’t talk daft. - Ed.] Let’s see the random predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

Leeds vs QPR - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Aston Villa vs Stoke - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Bolton vs Leeds - Prediction Away win - 4/6

Swansea vs Sheffield Wed. - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Wycombe vs Barnsley - Prediction Away win - 10/11

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.48

 

Back to normal... not in the least bit whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which famous ex-politician was escorted from his seat in the home section of Fulham's Craven Cottage ground after 'wildly celebrating' a goal scored by visitors Cardiff City in a Premier League fixture. The answer is pretty obvious when you consider that the ex-politician was celebrating a goal by a Welsh side; how many famous Welsh politicians have there been during the time the Premiershit has been in existence? It was, of course, ex-Labour leader Neil Kinnock. As he himself would have said, lovely, lovely, lovely.

One for this week? Here’s a good un. Who was the first black player to win a full England cap? A secondary question - What year? Hmm, very interesting. That could start a conversation or two down the pub.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, there is a sad ending to this week’s edition as news arrives of the death of Pete Shelley, singer and guitarist with the Buzzcocks. Having lived through, and thoroughly enjoyed, the ‘punk’ era, I am saddened to hear of the demise of one of the more original singers from that time.

Shelley formed the Buzzcocks with Howard Devoto in 1975, taking over as frontman in 1977 when Devoto left to form Magazine. Several hits followed for the Buzzcocks including the song later covered by Fine Young Cannibals ‘Ever Fallen in Love (with Someone You Shouldn’t’ve). He left the band in 1981 to pursue a solo career and had some success with his album ‘Homosapien’. The Buzzcocks reformed in 1989 and continue to this day.

You’ll have gathered that I was a Buzzcocks fan in the ‘new wave’ days, so I will end with a link to an early hit of theirs. Here’s Love You More.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.