Thursday, 26 April 2018

Week 36 - Grambleday wishes to Juan Mata


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

We haven’t started with a song recently, so let’s remedy that this week. Does anyone out there in Gramblerland remember Marlene Dietrich? She was a German actress and ‘singer’. Her singing was a bit of an acquired taste. Anyway, to start us off this week let’s have a sonk she was famous for...

‘Vhere heff oll de flowwwers gone...’

‘Sorry love. We’ve sold out. I’d try Aldi, if I were you.’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Every year I am guaranteed to get a letter from the tax office. The details are always much the same; I have underpaid the amount of tax I am meant to give them and they will adjust my tax code accordingly so that they can retrieve it over the next tax year.

I could understand them sending this letter if I were filling in my tax details incorrectly on a tax return form but, having never been self-employed, I have never had to fill in such a document. Instead, I rely on whoever pays my money to know the correct amount of tax to give from my income.

So why am I receiving what looks to be a standard yearly letter regarding my tax payments? Is somebody doing their job wrongly when they are calculating the tax I owe? Is somebody in the tax office giving incorrect information relating to my tax allowance? I would suggest, neither. I reckon that with the constant threat of redundancy hanging over civil servants, they are making as much work for themselves as possible. If I underpay tax in a given year and my tax code is changed to deal with this, why is this situation going on and on, year after year? Do you know what I reckon? I reckon, they don’t want my tax payments to be resolved because, if that were to happen, there would be less work to be done.

In a way, I am helping to keep the unemployment figures down.

Actually, when you think about it, taxation keeps an awful lot of people in work. Or rather, avoiding the payment of tax keeps an awful lot of people employed. Sorry, pardon, excuse me? Consider this. How many tax officers are employed solely to chase unpaid taxation? As we have seen with some large companies, tax evasion can cost the country millions of quids. Certain coffee shops, mobile phone companies and mail order giants have a very odd way of dealing with paying taxes. Basically, they don’t.

Beyond illegal methods of tax evasion, there are plenty of legal ways to avoid paying tax. Oh yes. Why are there so many accountants? To help people to not pay taxes, that’s why. Or at least to advise them on how to pay considerably less than they would do without the accountant’s advice on all the scams, sorry, I meant ways, to reduce tax payments.

So, good old tax evasion. It’s keeping a heck of a lot of people in a job.

It came as no surprise to me that I received a brown envelope through the letter box this week. As ever, there was the dreaded word TAX. How much do I owe them now, I wondered. Then I looked more closely. I had noticed the word tax but hadn’t really noted that the word was followed by the words ‘REFUND DOCUMENT’. My first reaction was, I wish they would make their bl**dy minds up. One minute they want more money, next they want to give it you back. My second reaction was, I wonder how much I’m getting back. Would I be paying a visit to a travel agent any time soon?

I tore open the envelope and was disappointed. This official looking piece of mail is nothing more than an attempt by an accountancy firm to get me to allow them to investigate my tax details to see if they could ‘save me money’. There is a letter telling me that I might be entitled to pay less tax if I am spending money on, for example, laundering my own uniform for work. Excuse me? That is going to cut my tax bill no end isn’t it? Can you claim back half a cup of Daz? Who are these people trying to kid?

If they can’t save you money, in the tradition of missold PPI, there is no fee, the letter points out. I should flaming well hope not. How the hell do you work out a fee based on half a cup of soap powder per week?

There is a form to fill in and a post-paid envelope to send the completed form back to this company. I propose to do what I always do when I receive unsolicited mail like this. I simply seal the empty post-paid envelope and send it back. Empty. See how they like getting rubbish through their letter box.
 
 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 28th of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Edward IV 1442 (The well-known king. Imagine calling your son Ivy!), Lionel Barrymore 1878 (Ectaw. Mr Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life; that was him.), Walter Tull 1888 (Footy bloke.), Oskar Schindler 1908 (Him that had the list.), Ferruccio Lamborghini 1916 (Tractor and car manufacturer.), Blossom Dearie 1924 (Jazz singer and pianist. Here’s your first clip of the week... I'm Hip.), Kenneth Kaunda 1924 (The well-known president of Zambia.), Harper Lee 1926 (The well-known Marx brother), Tariq Aziz 1936 (The well-known sidekick of Saddam Hussein.), Saddam Hussein 1937 (The well-known dictator.), Jean Redpath 1937 (Chanter. Here’s another wee clip.), Ann-Margret 1941 (Actress and singer, it says here. Here’s an OTT performance from Tommy.), Terry Pratchett 1948 (Orfer. Factoid: he was an honorary Brownie.), Jay Leno 1950 (Car-mad talk-show host. He owns 169 cars plus 117 motorbikes), Steve Rider 1950 (Sports presenter.), Brian Greenhoff 1953 (Footy bloke), Eddie Jobson 1955 (Musician. Have a bit of prog... Here’s Turn It Over.), Jimmy Barnes 1956 (Musician/singer. Have another clip. Here’s an oldie.  All together now... You don't what's going on...), Ian Rankin 1960 (Orfer), Jon Pall Sigmarsson 1960 (World’s strongest man. Died aged just 32 from cardiac arrest. The official line is that he had a congenital weakened heart.), John Daly 1966 (Golfy bloke), Penelope Cruz 1974 (Actress and clothes horse.), Vernon Kay 1974 (Presenter of Family Fortunes. Er... That’s it.), Lauren Laverne 1978 (Singer and presenter.), Bradley Wiggins 1980 (Bike racey bloke), Jessica Alba 1981 (Actress turned businesswoman.) and Juan Mata 1988 (Footy bloke).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Apron,

I remember that film with whats her name, Princess Ann-Margaret in it. Ooh it was an bit of an turkey that film. It was directed by that Ken Rissole bloke. I never thought much of his films. Wee men in Love; that was one of his. Two blokes fighting in the nuddy? Not my idea of entertainment. I certainly didn’t want to see their wee men, I can tell you. Put me right off chipolatas, it did.

That Tommy one was an right old mess. I remember a bit where Princess Arn was writhing about in sludgy brown stuff. It was meant to be erotical; it was. Some bint rolling about in stuff looked like... I won’t say what it looked like... serpently isn’t exotic in my book. Surely, they used something else. They must harve done. She couldn’t harve been rolling about in poo. Have you any idea what it was?

Yours affectionately,

Jock O’Latenbeens.

 

Hmm... Something strangely familiar about the style of that letter.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. I didn’t make a profit. 60 pees back from a £2.20 stake. Worse than last week. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Doncaster vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 0 Oxford 1

Boo!

It was hosts Doncaster who were the more threatening but they could not make their pressure count.

Alfie May almost produced a brilliant individual effort as he flicked the ball over Rob Dickie - only to be denied by the legs of Simon Eastwood.

The Oxford goalkeeper kept out a drive by John ‘Mary’ Marquis, while Todd Kane headed over his own bar with May lurking.

Matty Blair fired straight at Eastwood with a glorious chance from Rodney Kongolo's cross as Doncaster continued to push after the break.

Marquis turned in Ben Whiteman's low ball but the offside flag was up.

Oxford went in front on 63 minutes when James Henry met Ryan Ledson's superb cross with a fine diving header.

The visitors maintained their lead thanks to a fine save from Eastwood, who tipped over Marquis' sweeping shot following a fine counter attack.

 

Portsmouth vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 0 Charlton 1

Boo!

Nicky Ajose bagged the winner five minutes before half-time, slotting calmly past goalkeeper Luke McGee after strike partner Josh Magennis had nodded the ball into his path.

Both teams started nervously but Charlton were unlucky not to take the lead in the 21st minute.

Jake Forster-Caskey saw his long-range shot deflected wide and from the resulting corner Forster-Caskey's goal-bound effort was cleared off the line by Nathan Thompson.

Pompey were poor throughout the first half and Matt Clarke's tame header from a Gareth Evans free-kick was their only shot on target.

Charlton came close to a second goal when a Ben Reeves volley shaved the post from the edge of the penalty area after Forster-Caskey's corner had been only half cleared.

Visiting goalkeeper Ben Amos saved smartly from Pompey substitute Connor Ronan and captain Brett Pitman as the hosts pushed for a late equaliser.

 

Rochdale vs Bradford - Prediction Home win

Result - Rochdale 1 Bradford 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Matt Done fired Rochdale ahead just before the break. [That is shocking, grammatically. Oh, I see. His name is Matt Done. Sorry. Just ignore me. - Ed.]

But goalkeeper Josh Lillis dropped a routine 89th-minute cross to present Charlie Wyke with the simplest of finishes.

The home side's deserved breakthrough came a minute before the break. Tenacious work from Calvin Andrew and a deep cross from left to right by Joe Thompson saw Brad Inman nod the ball into Done's path.

He took a touch before rifling a superb finish across Colin Doyle and into the far corner of the net.

After the break, Wyke volleyed Tony McMahon's centre over the crossbar while (ex-Motherwell man) Nicky Law rolled an effort across the face of goal and wide.

It looked like Dale had held out for victory until the 89th minute when Lillis spilled a routine cross and Wyke poked the ball home.

 

Rotherham vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result - Rotherham 2 Bristol 2

Yay!

Rotherham stormed ahead in the ninth minute when Michael Smith burst through the defence and curled an unstoppable effort into the top corner.

Will Vaulks had two chances moments after the goal but both flew just over the crossbar.

The away side's first major opportunity was created by Byron Moore as he danced into the box from the right wing. His eventual shot was weak and was pushed out by Marek Rodak.

Rotherham almost got a clinching second goal through substitute Ryan Williams but he could not get a clean enough touch on Joe Newell's near-post cross.

Rodak remained alert throughout and he denied Kyle Bennett with a save with his legs.

The points were sealed in the 90th minute with Caolan Lavery coming off the bench to turn in Newell's centre.

 

Scunthorpe vs Walsall - Prediction Home win

Result - Scunthorpe 1 Walsall 0

Yay!

The visitors almost went ahead when Julien Ngoy tried his luck from distance in the opening exchanges but Matt Gilks was equal to it.

Down the other end Scunthorpe dangerman Josh Morris saw a free-kick come back off a post.

Luke Leahy brought a speculative save from Gilks after the restart whilst Funso Ojo came close for the hosts only to be denied by Liam Roberts.

When it looked as though the game was heading for a stalemate, Scunthorpe stole victory in the 76th minute.

Conor Townsend clipped the ball into the Walsall box and Ryan Yates was there to plant a header past Roberts.

 

That was last week. What has the great and powerful Grambler randomly selected for this week’s bet?

Game - Result - Odds

Newcastle vs West Brom - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Southampton vs Bournemouth - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Aston Villa vs Derby - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Norwich vs Leeds - Prediction Home win - 5/6

Reading vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.58

 

Just a touch less whopping than last week.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who is the only South Korean player to have won a Champions League medal and which club did he win it with. The answer is Park Ji-Sung and he played for Manchester United. Now retired, he works as a club ambassador for Man U. [Does that mean he dishes out the Ferrero Rocher choccies? - Ed.]

One for this week? Liverpool’s goal machine Mo Salah has understandably won the PFA footballer of the year award. The young player of the year award was won by Leroy Sane of Manchester City. Here is your question - Only one other Manchester City player has won the PFA young player of the year award, who was it? A bonus question? Who was the last Liverpool player to win the PFA player of the year award? Easy peasy? Hmm.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to honorary Brownie, Mr T. Pratchett, an author of some genuinely fine science fiction. He gave us some wonderfully quotable quotes and I would like to finish this week with some of them...

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods. They have not forgotten this.

The space between the young readers eyeballs and the printed page is a holy place and officialdom should trample all over it at their peril.

"Educational" refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.

I once absent-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

Most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally evil, but by people being fundamentally people.

It is well known that a vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you're attempting can't be done.

Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.

Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: 'Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?'

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it’s as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues. —from Moving Pictures.

It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren’t doing it.

People don't alter history any more than birds alter the sky, they just make brief patterns in it.

I’d rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.

If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn’t as cynical as real life.

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can.

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it.

It’s still magic even if you know how it’s done.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Here’s some advice boy. Don’t put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That's why they’re called revolutions.

If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else’s story.

Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

I'm not writing 'The A-Team' - if there's a fight going on, people will get hurt. Not letting this happen would be a betrayal.

Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along.

Pets are always a help in times of stress. And in times of starvation, too, of course.

Captain Quirke was not actually a bad man; he didn’t have the imagination; but he dealt more in the generalised low-grade unpleasantness which slightly tarnishes the soul of all who come into contact with it rather like British Rail.

Goodness is about what you do. Not what you pray to.

The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

It occurred to me that at one point it was like I had two diseases - one was Alzheimer's, and the other was knowing I had Alzheimer's.

I commend my soul to any God that can find it.

So much universe, and so little time.
 
 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Week 35 - Grambleday wishes to the Queen and Iggy Pop


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

We begin this week with our lucky number draw. Are you ready? I’ll just jumble them up a bit. There. And the lucky number, ladies and gentlemen, is 37. So there you are. Congratulations to number 37.

Look out for another lucky number draw soon.*

*Or possibly never.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Who has heard this little rhyme?

Pardon me for being so rude,

It wasn’t me, it was my food.

It is a wee thing children trot out when they have burped. Do you know the next two lines?

Something in my tummy shifted,

That’s the reason that I rifted.

No? Perhaps it was only ever uttered by kids in and around Glasgow. So, rift is a slang term used as an alternative to burp or belch.

I know someone who definitely isn’t aware of the term... whoever chooses the names of new vehicles at Peugeot. The company has just introduced a new version of its van-based people carrier the ‘Tepee’ and has called it, you’ve guessed already I am sure, the ‘Rifter’.

Tepee was daft enough but, given that a tepee is a portable North American home, the name can be forgiven... only just, though.

But Rifter? A little unfortunate, to say the least. Of course, it isn’t the first time car makers have misjudged the market when it comes to naming cars.

Perhaps the most famous was the Ford Pinto, the US company’s idea of a compact car back in 1970. Pinto sounds fine. Doesn’t it? Not if you are Brazilian, it doesn’t. Apparently, in the land of Pele, the nut and the wax, the word pinto is a slang term relating to the male genitalia and it isn’t complimentary.

Female genitalia also get a few mentions. Who would have thought that there was anything wrong with the Opel name Ascona? Nobody, unless they came from Northern Spain or parts of Portugal. See also, the name Honda chose for one of its cars, the Fitta, which is a particularly crude name for female genitalia in Swedish or Norwegian. What do you mean, you’ve never heard of such a car? There is a reason for that; Honda were warned about the fact shortly before the car that we know as the Jazz went on sale. Phew.

You really wonder what the folk that name cars are wondering...

‘This car will be British through and through. It will be a match for all those imports flooding into the country. It really will turn the tide...’

‘Hey, let’s name it after that king who was supposed to have ordered the tide to turn...’

‘Brilliant! Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the Austin Cnut.’

Luckily they had second thoughts and the car was called the Metro.

Don’t worry; I did make that up. Nobody is that stupid... or are they?

Chevrolet had problems in the Spanish-speaking parts of the world when it introduced a car called the Nova. No va means ‘it doesn’t go’.

You would think Buick were on safe ground when they named a car the LaCrosse. It’s a sport, isn’t it? Not in French-speaking Quebec, it isn’t. There, it is a slang term for... erm... self gratification.

Mitsubishi made the same mistake with its Pajero... only in the Spanish language rather than French.

Some cars are given names which are a bit non-PC in that they might cause offence to certain people.

There is a sports supercar from a company called Ascari... That’s not the offensive bit. Its monicker is KZ1-R. Nothing too offensive there, surely. (Don’t call me Shirley.) Maybe not to English speakers but, to Germans with memories of World War II, it is deeply offensive. The KZ part of the name is the abbreviation of Konzentrationslager, or concentration camp.

Triumph had the Spitfire; presumably named after the WWII aircraft of the same name. The one that was used to shoot down hundreds of aircraft, thus causing the deaths of many enemy airmen. But, hey, that was the sixties; way before political correctness took off. [Took off! Spitfire! Very good. - Ed.]

Mitsubishi decided to dip into the company history books when it came to naming a special rally replica of one of its Evo models. Mitsubishi actually made aircraft so why not name a car after one of them? If Triumph could do it, so could they. How about the Evo Zero Fighter? The Zero Fighter was also a WWII aircraft. You know... the one that took thousands of allied lives and was used in Kamikaze raids at the end of the war.

In the nineteen fifties the US car company Hudson came up with the title of Wasp for one of its vehicles. Perhaps it was a buzzy little car with a sting in its tail. Maybe so, but there must have been a few sales in the black-hating deep south where the initials WASP meant something entirely different.

Then there are those car (and van) names which are just plain bonkers. The offerings from western manufacturers such as Renault Wind, Daf Daffodil, Oldsmobile Achieva, Opel/Vauxhall Adam and Citroen Jumpy look quite sensible compared to those from the far east. Let’s face it, these are just utterly baffling...

Mitsubishi Lettuce

Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy

Mazda Bongo Friendee (See also Mazda Bongo Brawny)

Great Wall Coolbear

Great Wall Wingle

Datsun Cedric (See also Violet, Fairlady, Gloria and Sylvia)

Nissan Horny Super Long

Suzuki Every Joypop Turbo

Mazda Scum Wagon

Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard

Geely Rural Nanny (See also Geely Beauty Leopard)

Daihatsu Naked

Toyota Picnic

Honda Freed Spike

Honda Brio Amaze

Mitsubishi Town Box

Proton Saga (I wonder which age group that was aimed at.)

Proton Putra (A bit too close to putrid for my liking.)

There are hundreds more that I could list, but I won’t. I will end with my own favourite; another Proton, its name means ‘strong as’ (steel, perhaps.) in Malay. To me, it is just a daft name... Ladeez and genullum, I give you the Waja.

 
 

I can just imagine the conversation...

‘I’m having problems with my Waja.’

‘I’m a car mechanic; you want to see a doctor, mate.’

Incidentally, while I am on the subject of car names, do you know what the Hebrew word for Beetle (as in VW Beetle) is? [Do you care? - Ed.] It is the inoffensive (unless you speak English) hipushit... which is exactly the term I used to use when describing my Austin Metro... or Cnut, if you prefer.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 21st of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Charlotte Bronte 1816 (Orfer. Factoid: Her novel Jane Eyre was published under the pen name of Currer Bell.), John Muir 1838 (The original environmentalist.), Efrem Zimbalist 1889 (Concert violinist and composer.), Freddie Dixon 1892 (Motor cycle racey bloke. Known as Flying Freddie.), Norman Parkinson 1913 (Snapper.), Anthony Quinn 1915 (Actor. For our first clip of the week... let’s have a dance.), Alistair MacLean 1922 (Orfer. Like Miss Bronte, he occasionally used a pseudonym [Sounds painful. - Ed.]; his was Ian Stuart.), John Mortimer 1923 (Barrister turned orfer.), Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith 1926 (Known to her friends as Betty.), Jack Taylor 1930 (Footy referee. Factoid: In the 1974 World Cup final, he awarded two penalties: the first ever in a World Cup final.), Angela Mortimer 1932 (Tennisy bloke.), Charles Grodin 1935 (Actor.), James Osterburg 1947 (Who? Oh, Iggy Pop. He’s the singer that can’t afford a shirt. A clip? Here’s his biggy.), John Weider 1947 (Bassist and fiddler. Another clip?  Here's Don't Give Up On Me.), Andie MacDowell 1958 (Actress. She was in Four Weddings and a Funeral. Er... That’s it.), Robert Smith 1959 (Singer, it says here. Have a nice wee toon. Here's Close to Me.), Peter van Vossen 1968 (Voetbal gozer.), Toby Stephens 1969 (Ectaw. Son of Sir Robert Stephens and Dame Maggie Smith... Nice to see someone from humble beginnings making a name for himself [Do I detect a smidgin of sarcasm? - Ed.].), Jeff Anderson 1970 (Actor. Randal Graves.), Steve Backshall 1973 (Naturalist TV presenter. [What? He presents in the nude? - Ed.]), James McAvoy 1979 (Ectaw. Gnomeo.) and Adam Rooney 1988 (Footy bloke.).
 
Iggy Pop - 'You, too, can have a body like mine...
if you're not careful.'
 
 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Granblue,

I did enjoy hearing Close to Me by the Cure. Robert Smith was an outstanding singer with a fantastic vocal range. The band had a few hits in the 1980s. What was their first top 20 hit?

Yours with oodles of love,

D. Wark.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. I didn’t make a profit. 67 pees back from a £2.20 stake is definitely not a profit. What happened? Read on...

 

 

 

Barnsley vs Bolton - Prediction Home win

Result - Barnsley 2 Bolton 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Gary Gardner fired the Tykes into a half-time lead from 10 yards.

Bolton thought they had won it with two late goals when Adam Le Fondre levelled with a penalty on 82 minutes before Craig Noone volleyed in just three minutes later.

But Oli McBurnie headed in a corner for an injury-time equaliser.

 

Burton vs Derby - Prediction Away win

Result - Burton 3 Derby 1

Booooo!

Liam Boyce gave Albion the lead as he found himself unmarked at the back post to convert Joe Sbarra's cross.

David Nugent headed the Rams level five minutes later, but Derby were punished for some poor defending when Luke Murphy curled a shot past Scott Carson.

Lucas Akins tapped in Burton's third before Matej Vydra had an 89th-minute penalty saved by Stephen Bywater.

 

Hull vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win

Result - Hull 0 Sheffield 1

Booooooooo!

Jordan Rhodes opened the scoring for Wednesday, heading Jack Hunt's cross beyond Allan McGregor.

Abel Hernandez thought he had levelled for the hosts in injury time when he poked the ball beyond Owls keeper Joe Wildsmith.

But his goal was ruled out for offside and the away side held on despite a late flurry of Hull chances.

 

Middlesbrough vs Bristol C - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Bristol City 1

At last! Yay!

Milan Djuric acrobatically slotted in to give City an early lead, before George Friend equalised with a header.

Daniel Ayala headed in the winner after the break.

The game was marred by a first-half collision between Boro striker Patrick Bamford and Robins defender Aiden Flint which saw Bamford stretchered off.

Bamford received 10 minutes of attention by medics on the pitch, before he was carried from the field receiving oxygen. Flint was unscathed.

 

Nottingham For vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Nottingham 2 Ipswich 1

Yay!

Nottingham Forest scored two late goals to beat Ipswich.

Grant Ward opened the scoring for Ipswich, heading Myles Kenlock's cross beyond Costel Pantilimon.

But Ben Brereton equalised with an 89th-minute penalty for the hosts after he was bundled over in the box.

Joe Lolley then volleyed in Brereton's deep cross at the far post in the fifth minute of stoppage time to complete a dramatic turnaround.

 

Not a great week for The Grambler. Hopefully he/she/it will improve a bit this week. Let’s see the selections...

Game - Result - Odds

Doncaster vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Home win - Evens

Portsmouth vs Charlton - Prediction Home win - Evens

Rochdale vs Bradford - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Rotherham vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Scunthorpe vs Walsall - Prediction Home win - 8/11

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.85

 

Hmm. That is a teensy bit whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what Leyton Orient, Northampton Town, Carlisle United, Swindon Town and Barnsley have in common. The answer is that have all spent only one season in the top flight of English football.

Leyton Orient were in Division One in the 1962-3 season, Northampton Town were there from 1965 to 1966 and Carlisle were there in the 1974-5 season. Swindon Town were in the Premiershit from 1993 to 1994 and Barnsley were there from 1997 to 1998.

Too easy? How about this one? Let’s head into UEFA Champions League territory. Only one South Korean player has won a Champions League medal. Who was it? How about a wee bonus question? With which club did he win it?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Mortimer who gave us one of the greatest legal characters in Horace Rumpole; a defence barrister, but a bit of an anarchist. The character was brought to life superbly by the Australian Actor Leo McKern. Between 1978 and 1992 ITV showed seven series of Rumpole of the Bailey - 43 episodes in all. However, the first time McKern portrayed Rumpole was in a 1975 'Play for Today' on BBC and it is this earliest outing that I have chosen to end this week’s edition. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy Rumpole and the Confession of Guilt.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Week 34 - Grambleday wishes to Doctor Who


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

It seems that nowadays anyone can become a star or at least a celebrity by simply putting something memorable on Ya Tube or Farcebook.

Here in Scotland, a very funny comedian was first spotted on line and gained something of a cult following. Before long, the beeb was alerted to his genius brand of comedy and the rest is history. Limmy was given his own show and his material was shown to a much wider audience.

Going much further back, long before social media, someone who appeared in the news could achieve a brief moment of ‘stardom’. Who remembers Daniel Hooper aka Swampy? Anyone? You at the back? Yes, that’s right, he was an eco-warrior or environmental protester. He achieved a modicum of fame, or notoriety depending on your point of view, when he and others dug a series of tunnels under the proposed Newbury Bypass extension of the A30 road back in 1996. He and other protesters spent up to a week in this complex labyrinth resisting arrest. He was the last one to be ‘evicted’ and because of this act of defiance he was briefly a celebrity. In 1997 he was even a panellist on Have I Got News For You.

That was one celebrity who had his 15 minutes of fame; another is John Smeaton. If it is a name that you have forgotten, he was the baggage handler who, along with others, tackled terrorists who tried to drive a 4x4 vehicle through the main doors of Glasgow Airport back in 2007. The vehicle was on fire as Smeato arrived at the scene and the people in the car were also being burned. His way of dealing with the situation? Basically, he tried to kick the sh*t out of the driver. He received the Queen’s Medal for Gallantry for kicking a man that was on fire.

He was, however, something of a character and the press loved his forthright views...

His thoughts as he set about the attacker: ‘You're no' hitting the Polis mate, there's nae chance.’

Describing his own actions: ‘So I ran straight towards the guy, we're all trying to get a kick-in at him, take a boot to subdue the guy.’

When asked for his message to would-be terrorists: ‘Glasgow doesn't accept this. This is Glasgow; we'll set about ye.’

In a newspaper article: ‘If any more extremists are still wanting to rise up and start trouble, know this: We’ll rise right back up against you. New York, Madrid, London, Paisley… we’re all in this together and make no mistake, none of us will hold back from putting the boot in.’

On his fame: ‘Would you stop it with all this hero worship? Anyone else would have done exactly the same as me.’

Coming bang up to date, have you ever heard of Joseph Garrett? No neither had I until, recently, my grandson told me about what he watched on Ya Tube. Actually, he hasn't heard of Joseph Garrett either because he knows him as Stampylongnose. Sorry pardon excuse me? He seems to be something of a cult... I said cult... amongst 8 year old kids.

If you were ever annoyed that your child was playing too many computer games, consider this. Stampylongnose records himself playing computer games, adding a commentary, and then puts these recordings on Ya Tube. Children, my grandson included, then watch these videos for hours on end.

Thus, children are not spending too long playing computer games, they are now spending too long watching someone else playing computer games.

So if ever you hear a child talk about Stampylongnose, you now know that you don't need to refer to a medical dictionary; instead, you should be hiding the laptop.

All this tarradiddle leads me to a piece of film that was recently posted on Ya Tube. It features a young lady at the funeral of her father. Not for her the normal sad farewell, instead she sings the old Millie hit My Boy Lollipop at the graveside. Naturally, the whole spectacle was filmed and placed on Ya Tube. It's what people do these days. Any road up, the clip has gone 'viral' with over a quarter of a million views. Following on from this, she was actually booked to appear at a Glasgow bar to 'sing' the same song. If you allow Ya Tube to do it's usual trick of playing the next clip, whether you want it to or not, you will see that Bar Budda was absolutely packed that night.

Anyway, ladeez and genullum, please enjoy the antics of Glasgow's latest 'star', Denise Ferrie aka Slim Feminem.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 14th of April? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Abraham Darby 1678 (Ironmaster who developed a superior method of producing pig iron in the early years of the industrial revolution. You see, educational this is.), John Gielgud 1904 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Faisal of Saudi Arabia 1906 (The well-known king.), Francois Duvalier 1907 (The well-known dictator. Aka Papa Doc.), Valerie Hobson 1917 (Ectress.), Rod Steiger 1925 (I didn’t know he kept dangerous animals.), Gerry Anderson 1929 (Not just a puppeteer. Gave us... deep breath... The Adventures of Twizzle, Torchy the Battery Boy, Four Feather Falls, Supercar, Fireball XL5, Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons and Joe 90. I think a clip is in order. A theme tune perhaps?  It has to be this one.), Bob Grant 1932 (Actor. Jack Harper in On the Buses.), Loretta Lynn 1932 (Curntry n wyustern singer. Aka The Coal Miner's Daughter, The First Lady of Country Music, The Queen of Country Music, The Honky Tonk Girl, The Decca Doll, The Blue Kentucky Girl or The Hillbilly Feminist. Was this some sort of tax dodge?), Paddy Hopkirk 1933 (rally type racey bloke.), Shani Wallis 1933 (Actress/singer. Nancy, that was her. All together now... Oom pah pah! Oom pah pah!), Julie Christie 1940 (Ectress.), Ritchie Blackmore 1945 (Geetarist. Responsible for the first riff that any budding rock guitarist ever learns.  All together now... Dahn dahn dahn, da da da dahn...), Julian Lloyd-Webber 1951 (Cellist. Time for a bit o cult'yer.), Peter Capaldi 1958 (Ectaw. Malcolm Tucker and the 12th incarnation of the man known only as The Doctor.), Robert Carlyle 1961 (Ectaw. Begbie.), Gina McKee 1964 (Ac’ress bonny lad.), Sarah Michelle Gellar 1977 (Actress. Buffy.) and James McFadden 1983 (Ex-Motherwell footy bloke.).

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grampus,

Thanks for reminding us of what a genius Gerry Anderson was. He gave us all those wonderful puppet programmes back in the fifties and sixties. After turning his back on puppet tv in the seventies, I believe he produced another animated series in the eighties. Can you remember what it was called?

Yours sincerely,

Terry Hawkes.
 
Blimey! Alice Cooper's let himself go.
 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? It won. Sort of. And we made a profit. Yep. £2.27 back from a £2.20 stake. Seven pees still count as a profit. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Sheffield Wed vs Fulham - Prediction Away win

Result - Sheffield Wednesday 0 Fulham 1

Yay!

Fulham looked set to be frustrated despite dominating the game, with Ryan Sessegnon hitting the bar and Aleksandar Mitrovic and Stefan Johansen also going close.

But Mitrovic smashed in Sessegnon's cross for their seventh win in eight.

 

Yeovil vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Yeovil 0 Luton 3

Yay!

Luton scored early. Danny Hylton's flicked header found Elliot Lee in space and he slotted past goalkeeper Stuart Nelson.

Hylton was involved in the action again when Ryan Dickson hauled him down in the box and was shown a straight red card. The striker picked himself up to score the penalty a minute later.

Yeovil were down to nine in the 32nd minute when captain Francois Zoko was dismissed for an off-the-ball incident with Alan McCormack.

Hylton made it 3-0 eight minutes later by turning in a James Collins cross at the second attempt.

 

Partick vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Away win

Result - Partick 0 Kilmarnock 1

Yay!

Stuart Findlay headed home from Jordan Jones' cross to give Killie a first-half advantage.

Thistle's Chris Erskine and Conor Sammon were denied by goalkeeper Jamie MacDonald early in the second period.

Stephen O'Donnell had the ball in the net for the visitors but was penalised for handball (which is a different sport entirely).

 

Ross County vs Hibs - Prediction Away win

Result - Ross County 1 Hibs 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Billy Mckay showed great persistence and composure to net the 28th-minute opener against the run of play.

The visitors' supremacy continued after the break, and they squandered a spree of chances before replacement Oli Shaw's 90th-minute strike.

Darren McGregor almost won it for Hibs with the final act of the game.

The Hibs captain headed just wide from a corner. Tw*t!

 

Dumbarton vs Dundee Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Dumbarton 3 Dundee United 2

Boo!

Calum Gallagher tucked away a cross to open the scoring but Celtic loanee Anthony Ralston headed United level.

Craig Barr rose highest to head home a corner before Scott McDonald's finish again dragged Csaba Laszlo's side level.

McDonald thought he had scored again with a shot which was cleared on the line but another Barr header won it.

He scored the winner from a corner with 10 minutes to go.

 

Oh well. I didn’t expect The Grambler to do it two weeks on the trot. Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Barnsley vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Burton vs Derby - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Hull vs Sheffield Wed - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Middlesbrough vs Bristol C - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Nottingham For vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

The selections have been made. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£10.27

 

Hmm. That is a little bit whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I told you that there are six footballers currently still playing who have scored over 100 Premiershit goals and asked who is the youngest of these. If you answered Harry Kane, you would be right; he is, after all, only 24. You would also be right if you had answered Wean Rooney. Sorry pardon excuse me? You see, of the six holders of the 100 goals accolade currently still playing, Rooney was the youngest at the time he achieved the feat being only 24 years and 100 days. Harry Kane was 24 years and 191 days. And the bonus question? The youngest player to rack up 100 goals in the Premiershit was Michael Owen who was only 23 years and 134 days when he reached the milestone.

One for this week? What do Leyton Orient, Northampton Town, Carlisle United, Swindon Town and Barnsley have in common? One to start a discussion down the pub, methinks.

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to birthday celebrant Miss G. McKee for this week’s closing link. It shows an early tv role for Gina back in 1987. It may be dated, but it is still a clever piece of advertising.

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.