Saturday 30 November 2013

Week 13 Let's all dress as squirrels

I'm your private grambler, a grambler for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private grambler, a grambler for money
And any old gramble will do

There you are, this week a gramblerised version of Private Dancer which was a hit for Tina Turner whose birthday it is this week.  She was born in…well, I can’t divulge a lady’s age.  If she were British she would surely be Dame Tina by now, or a baroness.  Yes, that’s it; she would be Baroness Turner of Nutbush.  But she’s not British so she isn’t.  Did you know that before she met husband Ike and they became a double act she was known as Sandra Mae Bullock?  There you go.  This column is educational.  When you finish reading it you will probably say, ‘Well, that’s taught me’.*
*That joke celebrates its diamond jubilee this year.  Ken Dodd has used it in every single show he has performed since 1953.

What an stupid name for an double act – Sandra and Ray Bollocks!  No blibbing wonder they changed it to Mike and Bernie Turner.  It was a better stage name, or nom de ploom as they say in France.  Cos it’s French, you know.  Oh yes.  It means erm…name…erm…of a plum.  Or something.  And what’s with all this Sir Gallivant stuff – ‘I can’t disvulge a lady’s age.’  I can!  Blibbing ancient, that’s what.  Ooh, never liked her.  She’s the one with the legs, isn’t she?  Unforgettable them legs are.  I still have nightmares.  Didn’t think much of her husband either.  He was an baddun.  Knocked her about he did.  Yes, it told you all about it in that film – the biological one.  The one all about her – Anthea Turner.  It was called What’s Love Got to do with…erm… the price of fish.  What was that famous song they did for Phil Spectacle?  When I was a little girl…Not me, obliviously.  Her.  She sang that.  Ooh, what was it called?  Rivers keep mountains dry?  No, that’s not it.  Anyway, it went something like…I love you baby, river deep, mountain high.  Can’t for the life of me remember the title.  They had another famous one about…where is it Rupert the Bear comes from?  Nutwood.  That’s it, Nutwood Silly Billies.  No, that’s not right…etc. etc. ad infinitum.
Ahem, let us gramble.
Right, this week’s Grambler predications will be from 49 games from all English divisions plus the Scottish FA Cup matches.  Why so few, I hear you ask.  It may well be due to those TV companies – 15 games are on at different times.  Remember The Grambler only predicts from games which take place on a Saturday at 3pm – He/she/it is a traditionalist and thinks that the only time for pie and Bovril is 3.45pm on a Saturday.  However, because it is Scottish FA Cup weekend (Bet365 call it that, Ladbrokes call it that, but its correct name is The William Hill Scottish Cup; I wonder why those other bookies give it a different name.  Any ideas?) the whole Scottish league is messed up.  Hence 49 games.  So from those games which all take place on Saturday 30th of November at 3pm, what has The Grambler chosen for us?
I have just been given the predictions and….Ohhh dear.  Two homes and three draws; and one of those home predictions has worse odds than the away win or a draw.  Ohhh dear.
Game – Result – Odds
Notts County vs Brentford United – Home win – 5/2

Our first game is a League 1 (3) match where 4th placed Brentford Nylons travel to Meadow Lane in Nottingham to play the bottom-placed Magpies.  Do you see what I did there?  I gave you their league positions to show that these teams may be in the same league, but they are not really in the same league; if you take my point.  Brentford have lost only 4 times in 18 games, Notts County have lost 13 times in 18.  Do you see where I’m coming from, Grambler?  How the hell can you predict a home win here!  The last time County beat the Bees/Nylons was 10 years ago.  10 years ago!  Saying that, in all that time the Bees/Nylons have only won twice.  Out of the last 10 encounters 8 have been draws.  But recent history is what counts.  Brentford won both of last season’s games and Notts County are currently rubbish.  Is that plain enough?  They will not win.

Trivia factoid – Juventus play in black and white strips the same as Notts County.  [So? – Ed] Legend has it that the colour in their pink shirts [pink?? – Ed] used to fade; one of the Juventus players at the time had a friend in Nottingham who sent over some Notts County shirts which Juventus immediately adopted as their new colours.  That’s very interesting [You reckon? – Ed].

Preston NE vs Bristol City – Draw – 13/5

For our second game…oh dear.  The Robins who currently occupy 22nd spot in the league travel to Deepdale to play Preston who currently sit in 3rd place.  I think you know what’s coming here.  Preston have only lost twice in the league since the start of the season.  18 played, two lost; not bad, eh?  And City?  They have lost 10 out of 18.  Not good, eh?  So come on Grambler – a draw?  I don’t think so.  But hold on there, Bald Eagle [Robin, surely – Ed] City have lost only once in the last 7 games; surely, that is worth considering.  Statistics can say anything.  They can say that Preston have lost only one in the past 9 games.  True.  They can say that Preston have lost 2 in their last 10 games.  Also true.  They could say they have lost 3 in the last 11.  Again, true.  But, the point is Preston are 3rd and City are 22nd; I still say City can’t take a point.
Stevenage vs Shrewsbury Town – Home win –11/10

Now to our third game and Huzzah!  The Grambler has actually predicted that the favourite will win.  The Blues travel to the Boro’s ground of Broadhall way.  I say favourite; favourite, that is, in the eyes of the bookies.  With both clubs sitting in the lower reaches of Division 1 (3!) – 18th and 19th, it is hard to determine who is favourite.  The teams have only met 4 times in the past 3 seasons, being in different divisions for the 2011-12 campaign.  Of those 4 encounters it is Shrewsbury with the better record; 2 going in their favour and 2 drawn.  Maybe the bookies aren’t so clever after all.  Maybe this is another one that will go tits up for The Grambler.
Bristol Rovers vs Wimbledon – Draw – 5/2

For prediction number four, The Grambler takes us to Memorial Stadium where the Pirates play host to the Dons.  Ahaarrr!  The Dons currently occupy 10th spot in Division 2 (4!!!) and the Pirates be down amongst the dead men in 22nd spot, so they be.  The Grambler, he reckons that twill be a drawrrr.  Arrr, it be a tough task for the Pirates to take a point from this un, so it be.  Ahaarrr, Jim lad and other piratey type words.

Scunthorpe vs Torquay United – Draw – 11/4

And finally Cyril?  And finally Esther the best headline you will see today –

‘NUTS? Fans asked not to dress as squirrels when Scunthorpe United play Alan Knill’s Torquay United

What is all that about?  You may well ask.  The article is from the Scunthorpe Telegraph explains.

SCUNTHORPE United fans have been asked by club officials not to dress as squirrels when Alan Knill returns to Glanford Park on Saturday.

The former Iron boss – now in charge of The Gulls – hit the headlines during his spell in the Scunthorpe hotseat after a bizarre cycling accident in which a squirrel sent him flying over his handlebars.

After a defeat against Notts County which took the Iron’s losing run to six in all competitions, Knill said an accident earlier in the week had given him a different perspective on things.

Knill said he had been out riding his bike on the Monday when he collided with a squirrel. Unable to dodge the animal, it got caught up in his spokes and sent the manager crashing off his bike. The squirrel died.

Any road up, back to business.  Oh God!  Here we go again!  23rd placed Torquay United visit 6th placed Scunthorpe’s Glanford Park where, The Grambler tells us, the Gulls will take a point from the Iron.  Grambler, can I just say – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and, for good measure, ha!  Never!  No chance!  It is not going to happen.  Right?  Right.
Well, there we have it.  Possibly The Grambler’s worst selections to date.  The bet is on (why I don’t know) and the odds are a staggering 347/1 which would win £69.45 for our 20 pees bet.  Yeah.  Whatever.

Oh yes.  Before I forget.  There’s the cowardy bet to consider.  If all those five games finish as The Grambler predicts (no chance) then another £21.46 will also be heading for the Bobby Moore Fund.

Actually though, 2 quids and 20 pees is more likely to be heading for the fund.

As a follow up to the squirrel story –

‘Fancy dress shops have run out of squirrel costumes ahead of Scunthorpe United's match on Saturday, despite the club asking fans not to wear them.’

Sky News


Happy grambling.



Sunday 24 November 2013

Week 12 Results - Why Hull City are unique

Once again I have to report to you good people out in Gramblerland that The Grambler well and truly bollocksed it up this week.  I mean, how could he/she/it possibly expect Kilmarnock to win against the mighty ‘Well?  But that isn’t the only score The Grambler got abysmally wrong.  Oh no. Read on…


Hull vs Crystal Palace – Prediction: Away win – Yay!

Result - Hull 0 Crystal Palace 1

New Palace Boss Tony Pulis signed a two-and-a-half-year deal earlier on Saturday but caretaker Keith Millen took charge for a final time as the Welshman watched from the stands.

Yannick Sagbo missed a chance to put the hosts ahead before Palace’s Yannick Bolasie was red-carded for a foul on Jake (not Yannick?) Livermore with 12 minutes left.

Moments later Barry Bannan scored the winner from close range.

Bannan's goal was Palace's first since a 4-1 home defeat by Fulham on the 21st of October.

Hull had only conceded once in a five-game unbeaten home run going into the match, while Palace had lost their previous five away from Selhurst Park.

Victory for Palace means they move off the bottom of the Premier League while Hull dropped to 13th.

This was the first match to be played at the KC Stadium since owner Assem Allam reaffirmed his intention to rename the club Hull Tigers and midway through the first period a group of Hull fans unfurled a banner reading 'We are Hull City'.  Let’s hope he never gets his way.  Hull is unique.  If they became Hull Tigers they would lose the very reason for that uniqueness.  You know what it is.  You do.  Don’t pretend you don’t know.  Hull City is the only team in the British senior game that hasn’t got any letters you can colour in.  You were given that information in this very column last season.  What do you mean, you can't remember?  Any road up, Hull City; listen to The Grambler.  Do not change your name.  Stay unique.

Rotherham vs Carlisle United – Prediction Away win – Naw!

Result - Rotherham 0 Carlisle United 0


Rotherham failed to score at home and could not find a way past a determined Carlisle side, who played the entire second half with 10 men but held on for a 0-0 draw.
The Millers started brightly and Matt Tubbs set up Kieran Agard after just two minutes but his shot whistled just wide of the post.
But after 34 minutes it took a great save by Rotherham goalkeeper Adam Collin to deny Carlisle. Matty Robson got in a great cross and Sean O'Hanlon's powerful header looked destined for the back of the net but Collin somehow turned it away for a corner.
The Cumbrians were reduced to 10 men seconds before half-time. Townsend was booked for a foul on Richard Brindley and then in added time his late tackle on Tubbs earned him a second yellow.
But despite 45 minutes of almost constant pressure, Rotherham could not find a way through the visitors' defence, even though their goal did lead something of a charmed life - Max Ehmer and Robson cleared off the line, Ben Amos saved from substitute Tom Eaves and Tubbs fired into the side  netting.  Carlisle hung on desperately for a thoroughly deserved point.


Plymouth Argyle vs Dagenham & Redbridge – Prediction: Away win – NAW!

Result - Plymouth Argyle 2 Dagenham & Redbridge 1

John Sheridan's Plymouth Argyle made it seven games unbeaten in all competitions with an impressive 2-1 win over Dagenham at Home Park.

Plymouth's on-loan Yeovil Town striker Reuben Reid - who hit an FA Cup hat-trick in midweek - scored a cracking 44th-minute solo opener.

In a half of limited chances, Reid carved out his own opportunity, running at Dagenham before letting fly with a right-footed 20-yard strike that flew past diving Daggers keeper Chris Lewington and in off the inside of the post.

Argyle's joy was shortlived as the visitors responded within a minute as danger man Zavon Hines made the most of a mix-up in the home defence, and a slip by marker Maxine, sorry, Maxime Blanchard, to slot home from a few yards out.

Plymouth’s Luke Young scored with a spectacular 77th-minute free-kick from outside the area on the right, though, after man of the match Reid had been tumbled on his way to goal.

Kilmarnock vs Motherwell – Prediction: Home win – NAW!! (but Yay! really)

Result - Kilmarnock 0 Motherwell 2

In the interests of impartiality, I have used someone else’s match report for this game.

Kilmarnock set the early pace and created the first real chance when Chris Johnston won a free-kick and Sammy Clingan put in a fine cross but Manuel Pascali could only head straight at Gunnar Nielsen.

But Motherwell soon found their rhythm with Craig Moore shooting just over the bar and Iain Vigurs failing to get enough on a James McFadden cross to test Craig Samson in the Killie goal.

Had Moore brought his shooting boots, 'Well could have led 3-0 inside the opening 30 minutes but two more golden chances were passed up by the young striker.

Samson produced a superb save to keep out John Sutton's powerful header and the busy Moore had another effort deflected wide, but ‘Well keeper Nielsen had to be alert to deny Kris Boyd what would have been an undeserved opener for Kilmarnock.

Moore played provider for Lionel Ainsworth just after the break but the winger dragged his shot wide, but Motherwell finally took the lead on 55 minutes when Vigurs put over a cross and Sutton's diving header crept past Samson.

Killie responded quickly and almost levelled moments later when Michael Gardyne tested Nielsen's reflexes and no-one managed to get on the end of a wicked Craig Slater cross.

Boyd was left kicking himself with 25 minutes remaining, heading a deep cross over the bar from six yards when he would normally have backed himself to score.

The home side continued to press and sub Rory McKenzie fired a shot just wide of goal before Pascali headed a corner straight at a suddenly busy Nielsen.

But the points were settled in the 89th minute when sub Anier, who had replaced the luckless Moore 10 minutes earlier, spun past Pascali and toe-poked the ball past Samson.

The result lifts Motherwell above Aberdeen into third place and leaves Kilmarnock stuck in the relegation play-off place.

I will just finish with the words…Ya f****** beauty!!!


Raith Rovers vs Queen of the South – Prediction: Draw – NAWWW!!!

Result - Raith Rovers 2 Queen of the South 1


Calum Elliot scored twice as Raith Rovers came from behind to beat Scottish Championship rivals Queen of the South.

Gavin Reilly broke the deadlock in the second half when his right-footed strike found the top corner.

But Elliot levelled with a curling shot shortly after Raith had fallen behind.  Elliot secured victory for the hosts late on with a low shot from 12 yards, the result taking Raith to within five points of leaders Hamilton.

There you have it fellow gramblers; only one prediction of the five came good.  So, once again, there is no money to put into the Bobby Moore Fund (other than the stake money which, win or lose, I always put in).  If you feel like it, you can also put money into the fund. All you have to do is go to and make that donation.  Even if you don’t want to make a donation, it is worth going to just to read the story of Stewart David Smith - the founder of the wonderful blog that is The Grambler - who lost his life to bowel cancer on August the 29th this year.  You can also keep up to date with all the fundraising activities by going to .


To finish, I will say that this week’s poor showing is but a blip. The Grambler will pick those five correct results before long.  I’m sure of it.  Don’t despair my fine grambling buddies.  Keep the faith.  It will happen.  Some day.  Soon.  I hope.  Bound to.  Surely. 

Thursday 21 November 2013

Week 12 - Do you like good grambling?

Do you like good grambling?

Yeah yeah

Sweet soul grambling

Yeah yeah

Just as long as it’s grambling

Yeah yeah

Oh yeah, Oh oh yeah

That was a gramblerised version of Sweet Soul Music, a little toon by Arthur Conley.  Why?  Well, the great man died ten years ago this week.

Ooh..that’s a bit blibbing dispressing that is.  Arthur Conley Doyle?  And why did you pick that one?  Daftest song ever, that.  Do you like good music?  No, as a marter of farct, I don’t.  Who’s going to say that?  Now me, I happen to apprecicate the more highbrown forms of music.  I particularlarly like the works of Black Lace, Jive Bunny and Max Bygraves.  You knew where you were with Max Bygone.  Every song meaningful and full of meaning with lyrics that meant something.  And the words were important too.  Who can forget that classic ‘Silly billy….erm… horse’s doodah…erm… cats eat jelly… something something by the sea’?  I know I can’t.  You can keep your Arthur Condom, Max Byways is the one for me.  What was that other one he did?  Famous one.  It was his Sidney Archer tune.  The one about keeping chickens.  Ooh.. I know. ‘You need hens’…etc. etc. ad infinitum.

Ahem.  Let us gramble.

All the games for The Grambler to select from take place at 3pm Saturday the 23rd of November.  For once, we have a full card to choose from; 57 games from the four English and four Scottish senior divisions.

I have just been given The Grambler’s predictions for this week.  Thank you Arthur.  Hmm.  Well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – ARGHH!

Game – Prediction – Odds

Hull vs Crystal Palace – Away win – 15/4

For our first encounter of the day The Grambler takes us to the KC (with or without his Sunshine Band?) Stadium where the Tigers play host to the Eagles.  Oh dear.  Grambler, you’ve done it again.  There’s Hull sitting 12th in the table having won 4 games and drawn 2 out of 11 played.  Then there’s Crystal Palace sitting right at the bottom on 4 points (1 won, 1 drawn and 9 – yes 9 – lost).  So what does The Grambler do?  Only predicts that Crystal Palace will win.  Away from home too.  I despair, I really do.  But hold on there Bald Eagle (that was a reference to an old advert for…I can’t remember what, but it seemed quite apt) take a look at the head to heads over the past 3 years – 6 played – 4 drawn – 2 won by…wait for it…Crystal Palace.  Does The Grambler know something I don’t [Probably – Ed] or is he/she/it just wrong – again.

Rotherham vs Carlisle United – Away win – 4/1

Phew, it’s a good job for the Millers that they are hosts to the Cumbrians at the New York Stadium.  Eh?  New York?  In Rotherham?  Carlisle aren’t very nice to folk who go to Brunton Park, suggesting that they don’t know how to use a toilet.  Any road up, The Grambler reckons Carlisle should take the points here.  This is one of those games that could go either way.  No it isn’t.  It’s a game that Rotherham sitting 9th should win.  Come on, how can Carlisle (16th) possibly win this?  Put it another way, how can Carlisle, who haven’t won since 22nd October, beat Rotherham, who haven’t lost since 26th October?  Do you see what I’m getting at here?  Take a look at those odds - 4 to bloody 1.  Grambler, it’s not going to happen.

Plymouth Argyle vs Dagenham & Redbridge – Away win – 23/10

For our third match we go to Home Park where the Pilgrims play host to the Daggers (well, that’s a nickname I didn’t expect, he said sarcastically).  The Grambler reckons that the Daggers will take all the points here and, given that they sit 7th in the table and the Pilgrims are in 18th place, it looks on paper (laptop) as if he/she/it has got this one right.  But hold on there Bald…oh, I’ve done that one already…the Pilgrims have had a good spell of late and haven’t lost since 19th October whereas the Daggers, though still doing quite well, did lose to Hartlepool on 2nd November.  I mean, Hartlepool.  Come on.  But there is more.  Over the past 3 years’ head to heads, 3 games have been drawn and 3 have been won by…wait for it (sorry, I’ve done that one already as well)…Plymouth Argyle.  In fact it is almost 12 years since D & G won against the Pilgrims.  Hmm.  Maybe The Grambler hasn’t got it right after all.


Kilmarnock vs Motherwell – Home win – 11/5

Bugger it!  I knew this would happen eventually.  And I’ve got to bet against my own team.  Bugger it!  Now, I’ve got to view this as an impartial observer.  How the hell can a bunch of heifers like them beat the gazelles that are Motherwell? [Impartial you said.  Now, get on with it – Ed].  Okay.  Start again.  For our penultimate game, The Grambler takes us to Rugby Park where Killie play host to the greatest team that ever [Impartial! – Ed]…the Steelmen.  The Grambler has predicted that Kilmarnock will win.  Normally at this point there would be a long line of the word ‘ha’, but I shall remain calm.  Kilmarnock are sitting in second bottom spot in the table having won only 2 games in 13.  If bottom-placed Hearts had not started the season on minus 15 points, Kilmarnock would have been bottom right now.  Motherwell, sit in 4th spot.  Doing pretty well, in fact.  What about previous meetings?  Over the past year and a half the two have met 5 times.  I know.  Crazy, isn’t it?  5 times.  That’s Scottish football and its 4 mini-leagues for you.  Anyway, in those games it has been all square; 2 wins each and a draw.  The one game played this season went Motherwell’s way, so maybe it is Kilmarnock’s turn this week.

Of course, I could say I was thinking the same way as Peter Cook (the famous writer/comedian/raconteur/club owner etc.).  He was a lifelong Spurs supporter, but always bet on the opposing team.  Why?  He figured that whether his team won or lost, he won.  So, if Motherwell win, I am happy.  If they lose, I am happy that some money may be going to the Bobby Moore Fund.  A win win situation if you like. I can't believe I used that cliché.


Raith Rovers vs Queen of the South – Draw – 5/2

And finally, Cyril?  And finally, Esther The Grambler takes us to Stark’s Park where the Rovers (there’s original) [sarky get – Ed] play host to the Doonhamers.  The Grambler has predicted that this encounter will end as a draw.  Hmm.  Not sure about that.  The Rovers currently sit 3rd on 22 points.  Queens are in 7th place on 15 points.  We can’t really compare head to heads as Queen of the South were only promoted to the Scottish Championship (Division 2!!!) this year.  The game between the two earlier this season was won 1-0 by the Rovers.  As that game was played at Palmerston Park, you would have to favour Rovers to do it again now that they have the home advantage.  Don't want to say it Grambler, but I think you are wrong again.

So that’s it fellow gramblers, all five predictions are in and the bet has been placed.  The odds are a stupendous 877/1 which means if my 20 pee accumulator bet comes up the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of over 175 quids.  Woo hoo!

I know what you're thinking; what about the cowardy bet?  Well, if all five games were to go as predicted by The Grambler, the cowardy doubles bet would bring in an additional 30 quids.

Is this the week?  Has The Grambler selected the 5 that will bring in over 200 quids?  Erm…doubt it.  Every game has got pretty long odds.  There is a reason for that.  That reason is that none of these matches is expected to go The Grambler has predicted.  By all means, have a wee bet, but I can’t see it winning this week.

Hey, but what if it did?  Woo hoo!

Finally, apropos [ooh, get her – Ed] nothing, I thought you might appreciate a page out of my grandson’s Thomas the Tank Engine book.


Monday 18 November 2013

Week 11 Results - Operation Yewtree - Another High-Profile Arrest

Another celebrity arrested in Operation Yewtree*

A man has appeared in Portsmouth Magistrates’ Court charged with historic offences against underage children.  The offences are alleged to have taken place between the early 1960s and the late 1980s.  The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was referred to as ‘The Captain’ by those making the allegations.

The Captain is said to have lured young children onto his sailing vessel ‘The Bird’s Eye’ as crew members with promises of adventure, a life on the ocean wave and unlimited supplies of fish fingers.  It later transpired that the term ‘fish fingers’ was merely a euphemism for [Stop right there - Ed]

*We have been advised by our legal department to point out that this is totally untrue**

**As we don’t have such a thing as a legal department, this is also untrue.

Anyway, let’s get down to grambling matters.  How did The Grambler’s predictions fare this week.  Read on and all will be revealed.

Brentford vs Crewe Alexandra – Prediction Draw – NAW

Five nil. Five nil!  Grambler, how on earth did you get this one so wrong?  We all knew Crewe weren’t going to take a point off Brentford, but come on, five nil.  That is pretty rubbish grambling.

Granted, Crewe went 43 minutes without conceding and then Marcell Trotta trotted in (do you see what I did there?) to head in the opener from 18 yards.  After the break the floodgates opened.  Adam Forshaw scored straight after the restart. On 58 minutes George ‘Jimmy’ Saville made it three.  Now then, now then, Crewe were in trouble.  But double trouble was to follow when Clayton Donaldson scored twice in 63 and 73 minutes.  As they say in Footballpunditland – Game over.

Bristol Rovers vs Bury – Prediction Home win – NAW

I didn’t really think this would have gone The Grambler’s way and I was right.  I did say I thought a draw was the most likely outcome [Stop crowing – Ed].  Any road up, it turns out I was right and The Grambler was wrong.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it Grambler!

Joe-John O’Toole, sorry, John-Joe O’Toole scored from the spot on four minutes.  Sadly, dad Peter was in the bar at the time and missed it.  Shaun Beeley gave away the penalty when he ahem ‘mistimed’ a tackle on Elliot Richards.  I bet Shaun was beelin’. [Ha bloody ha – Ed]  However, on 36 minutes he redeemed himself with a well timed cross for Danny Hylton to tap in.

Ooh I remember Danny Hylton.  He was very good.  What was that song he used to sing?  The one about rats with big boots on.  And they lived in a…what was that programme with him from QI?  The daft one.  He lived in one as well.  You know it.  He was a magician or something and people used to go to him if they had an crime that wanted dissolving.  It had sails.  Mice!  Not rats.  And they didn’t have boots on they had clogs.  What was that thing they lived in?  They went clip clippetty clop.  On the stair.  Right there.  Jonathan Speaks.  That was the programme.  And it was a windmill.  Oh hang on…I’m thinking of Ronnie Hilton. [Go back to sleep Arthur – Ed]

Scumthorpe vs Accrington Stanley – Prediction Away win – Aye!

Wow!  I take it all back Grambler.  You (randomly) chose well here.  7/2 odds as well.  Woo hoo!

Stanley beat Scunthorpe 2-0 (all right, nil 2 as it was an away win) to take their unbeaten run in the league to six.  George Bowerman opened the scoring on 26 minutes with an excellent angled shot into the far corner of the net.  Ten minutes later he turned provider with a left-wing cross for Kayode Odejayi to head home.

Accrington’s manager James Beattie believes there is still a long way to go, but is very pleased with the team’s progress.  ‘There’s a long way to go, but I’m very pleased with our progress,’ Beattie told BBC Radio.

Stenhousemuir vs Arbroath – Prediction Home win – Whahey!

You always get a good game between these two.  Last time they met Stenny won 4-3.  This time?  3-2.  Sounds a cracking game.  Well, the second half anyway.

Sean Lynch opened the scoring on 49 minutes.  Michael Travis levelled it for the Smokies on 64 minutes.  Next up, Eddie Malone for Stenny on 73 minutes.  Errol Brown – surely not – sorry, Errol Douglas gave Stenny a third six minutes later.  Lee Erwin (you know, him on loan from Motherwell) scored another for Arbroath on 83 minutes but, Stenny held on to take all the points.

Good old Stenny.  That win gives us a return on our bet.  But, even better was to come…

Peterhead vs East Stirlingshire – Prediction Draw – Wahahaheyyyy!

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther The Grambler predicted a draw between the Blue Toon and the Shire (See, I didn’t call them the Shite).  I have to admit, I thought Peterhead would walk this, but the Shire seem to be a different team these days and still top the table a third of the way through the season; albeit now only one point ahead of second placed Annan Athletic who won on Saturday.

Both sides had plenty of chances in the first three quarters of this game, but neither could actually score.  Peterhead finally broke the deadlock on 76 minutes with a spectacular bicycle kick from Andy Rodgers.  The Blue Toon support must have thought they had all the points as full time approached.  East Stirling’s Jordan McKechnie had other ideas.  With the last kick of the game he drilled the ball home to give the visitors a share of the points (I could get a job as a football reporter; see, I know all the right cliches.).

So, hard luck for Peterhead, but good luck for The Grambler and the Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund which benefits this week by

Not a fortune, I grant you but, by our standards, it’s pretty damn good.  So all you gramblers out there in Gramblerland must be wondering what to do with the money you have won.  Well, wonder no more, the Bobby Moore Fund will be happy to receive it from you.  To donate, just go to and follow the simple instructions.

Bye for now my fellow gramblers.  Week 12 predictions will be posted in the next few days.  I bet you can’t wait.


Tuesday 12 November 2013

Week 11 - The Grambler with Errol Brown and The Doog

I see that this week it was the 65th birthday of none other than Errol Brown.  Who?  I hear you ask (I don’t really, I’m just surmising).  Errol Brown, lead singer of Hot Chocolate, drinking chocolate, Hot Chocolate, drinking chocolate.  Anyone else remember that ad for Cadbury’s drinking chocolate (which I just happen to love, should any execs from Cadbury’s want to give us a tub or two for this bit of product placement.  It goes down exceedingly well with a Killie pie.).  Anyway, back to Errol Brown becoming an oap.  Always thought he looked and sounded as if he was going to start crying.  You watch any clip of Hot Chocolate and you’ll understand what I am getting at.  So to start us off today, here’s a little toon.

I believe in miracles!

Where you from

You’re gramb(er)ling (you’re gramb(er)ling -you)

I believe in miracles!

Since you came along

You’re gramb(er)ling.

Wasn’t that from that film?  The one about Field-Marshall Montgomery?  I couldn’t make sense of it at all.  I mean surely in a film that’s susposed to be about one of our greatest military tic tacs….tactics….tactissues, there should have been something about El Alan Main, his greatest campaign.  And as biodegradable films go, it was inaccurate, hysterically.  I mean, if Monty did like to undress provocatably while music was playing - and I’m not saying he didn’t, war can do some funny things to people - he would have been doing it to Vera Lynn, surely! [I think I should point out that Monty didn’t do anything to Vera Lynn.  And don’t call me Shirley. – Ed]

Thank you Arthur.  Ahem, let us gramble.

Before we start I should highlight a wee change to The Grambler’s fundraising page.  We felt it was a bit rude so we have made it more ‘family friendly’ by changing the name to The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside Fund.  A small change, I grant you, but a better name we think.  So, if you feel inclined to make a donation to a charity in the run-up to the festive season, please do consider this one.  Go to to see how the fund is going (28% of the target last time I looked).


May I begin this week’s Grambler predictions with a mild expletive - Damned international friendlies!!  Thanks to a bunch of totally meaningless games the fixture list for Saturday the 16th of November has been well and truly fmucked up.  34 senior games! 34!  That’s all there are this Saturday.  And because Sky/BT aren’t interested in these lower league games they are all on at 3pm.  Well, that’s something I suppose.

I have just been handed The Grambler’s predictions – thank you, Arthur – and at least they are a bit more varied than last week’s.  This week we have 2 home wins, 2 draws and an away.  Not bad, do I hear you say?  Hmm.  Wait til you see who is predicted to win away from home.

Game – Result – Odds

Brentford vs Crewe Alexandra – Draw – 7/2

For our first prediction The Grambler brings us to the delightful borough of Brentford, to Griffin Park where the Bees play host to the Railwaymen.  So Brentford’s nickname is the Bees; I always thought they were the Nylons.  Orl right?  Right.  Not arf.*  Are you there Watford fans?  They are called the Bees because there are bees on their emblem.  See?  That makes sense.  Not a moose head.  Hornets indeed.

Any road up, The Grambler predicts a draw.  Grambler!  What are you doing to us?  There’s Brentford – 4 wins on the bounce and Crewe who haven’t won a game for a month and you reckon it’ll be a draw?  Have you seen the league positions?  Brentford in fifth and where are Crewe?  22nd! That’s where.  A draw?  And last season?  Brentford cuffed Crewe twice!  5-1 and 2-0.  A draw?  I despair; I really do.

Motherwell link: Brentford midfielder Alan McCormack joined Motherwell in 2005 on loan from Preston North End (via Leyton Orient and Southend United).  He only played 28 games (scored twice) but managed to get yellow carded 12 times and sent off once.

*How many of you, like me, remember Alan ‘Fluff’ Freeman doing the Brentford Nylons advert in the 60s?

Bristol Rovers vs Bury – Home win – 13/10

The Grambler’s second prediction takes us to Memorial Stadium (or the Mem as the locals call it) where the Pirates (or the Gas if you prefer the derogatory nickname) play host to the Shakers.  The Grambler reckons that Bristol Rovers will take all 3 points.  Hmm.  Neither side is exactly setting the heather alight – Rovers sit 20th in the league, Bury 22nd and only one point separates the two.  Hmm.  What about previous encounters between them.  Nope.  The last time they met was 6 years ago, so not a good guide.  Hmm.  Both have similar recent results; the last three games have been 1 draw, 1 win and 1 loss.  Hmm.  A draw might seem more likely, but hold on there, Bury’s 4 points came against opposition sitting in the lower half of the league, whereas Rovers’ points came from a draw against 3rd placed Chesterfield and a win against 2nd placed Oxford United.  That suggests that The Grambler could well be on to something.  I think he/she/it could well be right.

Motherwell link: Bristol Rovers defender/midfielder Jim Paterson played for Motherwell between 2004 and 2008.  He played 124 times in all.  Also a Rovers’ player is striker David Clarkson who played for ‘Well between 2002 and 2009.  During his time there he played 219 games and scored 49 goals.  And Phil O'Donnell was his uncle.

Scunthorpe vs Accrington Stanley – Away win – 7/2

Our third game takes place at Glanford Park where the team with perhaps the most unfortunate name in football play host to the team with the best.  Luckily Scunthorpe’s nickname doesn’t utilise any section of the actual name; they are known as the Iron.  I bet away supporters have another name for them [That’s enough –Ed].  What does The Grambler predict?  Oh no!  23rd placed Stanley to beat 8th placed Scunthorpe.  Ha ha ha.  Accrington Stanley?  Win?  Never in a million…oh hold on…Stanley have actually started winning the odd game.  Oh, unbeaten in five in the league.  They were beaten by Tranmere Rovers in the cup last week, but they are from a division above. Hmm.  Maybe Grambler.  Maybe.

Stenhousemuir vs Arbroath – Home win – 10/11

For our fourth encounter The Grambler takes us to Ochilview Park where Stenny play host to the Red Lichties.  The Grambler has gone for the safe option here by picking Stenny in 4th place to beat Arbroath in 7th (doesn’t sound much of a difference but remember the division has only ten teams in it).  Stenhousemuir have already beaten Arbroath this season in a great 4-3 game.  Now, can Stenny do it again?  At home as well.  Of the past four meetings Stenny are unbeaten, winning two and drawing two.  Can they win this one?  The Grambler says yes.  I’ll go with that.

Here’s an interesting fact [Oh dear – Ed], Arbroath are nicknamed the Red Lichties after the red light that used to guide the fishing boats safely back to port.  Isn’t that interesting? [I’m disappointed; I thought there was a thriving sex industry up there – Ed]

Motherwell link: Stenny midfielder Darren Smith began his career at Motherwell and between 2004 and 2010 played in 72 games and scored 8 goals.  Arbroath forward Lee Erwin is on loan from Motherwell.  After last week’s defeat at home to Dundee United – Can we have him back?  In fact, can we have them both back?

Peterhead vs East Stirling – Draw – 29/10

And finally Cyril?  And finally Esther we head to Balmoor where the Blue Toon play host to the Shite.  Sorry Shire.  The Grambler predicts that this encounter will end as a draw.  Why?  Grambler, why?  Did you see last season’s results between these two?  Peterhead scored 16 goals in four encounters.  An average of four goals a game (I put that in just to show I can do sums).  And you think East Stirling can change all that and get a draw?  East Stirling are the league leaders this year (much to their and everyone else’s surprise) I will grant you, but to actually get a point off free-scoring Peterhead?  I don’t agree, but hey, this is random gambling.  Why not?

So there you have it fellow gramblers.  The bet is placed and the big question is – how much could we win [but probably won’t – Ed] for The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Arse Backside Fund this week?  Well, if all the predictions are spot on [Oh, aye, sure – Ed] for my 2.2 quids bet the fund will be over 92 quids better off [or £2.20 like every other week – Ed].

Of course this total does include my usual cowardy bet of ten doubles of 20 pees.  But, come on, if The Grambler gets 60% of the predictions right we will be in profit.  [Readers may I remind you that The so-called Grambler got 0% right last week.  I’m just saying – Ed]

To finish, I know you all want to know how the Movember moustache is growing.  Well, the answer is – yes.  As in, yes it is growing.  Whether it looks like a moustache?  The jury is out on that one.  Let’s finish with a picture of someone who knew how to grow a moustache and wasn’t afraid to combine it with a faintly ludicrous combover.  Ladeez and genullum I give you Northern Ireland and Wolves legend, the late, great Derek Dougan.