Saturday 25 February 2023

Post 472 - Gramble for gramble's sake

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Story time...

I read a story last week about a lady who smashed a piece of art worth £42,000. Or was it dollars? I think it might have been dollars. Whatever currency you choose, it was a lot of dosh. She didn’t deliberately smash it; she was at a gallery where it was being exhibited and ‘tapped’ it. It must have been quite a tap, because the thing fell off its pedestal. It was a piece by Jeff Koons so, apparently, that made it worth that vast sum. The piece in question? A ceramic ornament which was exactly the same as a dog made out of balloons. Maybe she thought it was a balloon mutt and thought it would bounce. My first question is, why did anyone think that a ceramic ornament which looked exactly like a balloon animal was worth making? My second question is, why does that count as art? The only unusual thing about it was the fact that is was made out of the wrong material. Or am I just a Philistine? Answers on a postcard, please.

That unfortunate matter brings me neatly to this week’s topic. When is art art? Or why does something count as art? My favourite ‘artist’ is known as Banksy. Or, depending on your point of view, my favourite grafitti artist/wall defacer is Banksy. Somebody, somewhere must know his identity. There was a news item last year of Neil Buchanan denying that he was the mysterious Banksy. Hmm... isn’t that just what Banksy would say?

Any road up, this brings me to Banksy's latest work of art. He had found a bit of wall somewhere in Margate which had a freezer dumped next to it. He incorporated the freezer into the work which showed a battered housewife (with black eye and a tooth missing) pushing someone (presumably the, now dead, husband who had given her the injuries) into the freezer.

The piece was revealed to the world on February the 14th and was entitled St. Valentine's Day Mascara, after the famous Chicago gangland killing of seven rival mobsters that took place on St. Val’s day back in 1929 which was immediately dubbed The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Unfortunately, you had to be quick to see and understand Banksy’s joke, because some council jobsworth decided that the said freezer, which had apparently been lying there for some weeks, should (suddenly) be disposed of immediately. Some of the nearby householders protested and tried to stop the man sent by the council from removing an important part of this artwork, but he was having none of it; he'd been told to get of it and get rid of it he did.

Isn't that rubbish? [The freezer was, anyway. - Ed.] As I have said, Banksy is my favourite artist so naturally I'm biased but, to me, that really is an act of vandalism; a deliberate attempt to spoil a worthy piece of art. At least it was something original and not just a representation of something that any children’s entertainer produces from a single balloon where a few deft twists accompanied by a horrible squeaky noise can produce a dog (or a giraffe, depending on the proportions) in seconds.

Art? Give me Banksy’s originality any day of the week... anyone near Margate got a chest freezer they don’t want?

Before and after. Discuss

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 18th of February? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Mary I 1516 - The well-known queen. The one with the drink named after her.

Harry Brearley 1871 - Metallurgist. Invented rustless (stainless) steel.

Mervyn Johns 1899 - Actor isn’t it. Bob Cratchit in Scrooge (1951). See, well... listen to, this week's concluding link.

John Barrett 1910 - Actor. Smellie Ibbotson in The Dustbinmen. 160 credits on IMDb.

Phyllis Calvert 1915 - Actress. Christine in Mandy (No doubt pronounced Mendy.)

Wallas Eaton 1917 - Actor. Arthur Crispin in Hugh and I. Ask your granny.

Russell Hunter 1925 - Actor. Lonely in Callan.

Len Deighton 1929 - Orfer.

Ned Sherrin 1931 - Writer and broadcaster.

Mary Ure 1933 - Actress. Mary Ellison in Where Eagles Dare.

Bobby Robson 1933 - Foo’y blurk.

Yoko Ono 1933 - Mrs Lennon.

Geraldine Newman 1934 - Actress. Hilda Hughes in Ever Decreasing Circles.

Susan Travers 1939 - Actress. Arlette in Van der Valk... the 1972 one with the decent theme tune.

Prue Leith 1940 - Cook.

Graeme Garden 1943 - Comedian and writer.

Anthony Jackson 1944 - Actor. Trevor Lewis in Bless This House. Ask your mum.

Henry Newton 1944 - Footy bloke.

Michael Buerk 1946 - Journalist and newsreader.

Brian James 1955 - Musician. Founding member of The Damned. A clip? Why not. Here’s Neat neat neat.

Rob Andrew 1963 - Rugby bloke.

Paul Hanley 1964 - Musician. Drummer with The Fall. A clip? Are you sure? Okay, if you must. Here’s The Man Whose Head Expanded.

Colin Jackson 1967 - Mabolgampwr.

Tommy Scott 1968 - Front man of 90s indie band Space. Have a clip. Here’s Female of the Species.

Jez and Andy Williams 1970 - Musicians. Twin brothers who are both members of the trio known as Doves. Another clip? Of course. Here’s There Goes the Fear.

Gary Neville 1975 - Footy bloke.

Tom Bellamy 1980 - Musician. He was a member of The Cooper Temple Clause. Would you like a clip? Of course you would. Here’s Promises Promises.

Ivan Sproule 1981 - Foody blook.

Steven Hammell 1982 - Fitba guy. Probably had a very unhappy birthday as he lost his job as Motherwell manager a few days before.

Jermaine Jenas 1983 - Footy bloke.

Kal Naismith 1992 - Fitba guy.

Now then, what about the 25th of February?

Jean Armour 1765 - Robert Burns’ good lady... well, one of many, apparently.

Myra Hess 1890 - Pianist. Have a clip. Here’s Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. Wee bit cult'yer fur yeez therr.

Zeppo Marx 1901 - The Marx Brothers’ straight man. Did you know he invented the Fitbit? No? Well, he didn’t really, but he patented a wristwatch that monitored the pulse rate and sounded an alarm if the heartbeat became irregular.

Rita Webb 1904 - Jobbing actress specialising in comedy roles appearing in 29 episodes of The Arthur Haynes Show.

'The nicest hag in the business'

Jim Backus 1913 - Actor and screenwriter. He was the voice of Mr Magoo.

Gert Frobe 1913 - Actor. Goldfinger in Goldfinger.

Anthony Burgess 1917 - Orfer.

Bobby Riggs 1918 - Tennisy bloke.

Larry Gelbart 1928 - Author and screenwriter. Producer of M*A*S*H television series.

Wendy Beckett 1930 - Nun/art critic.

Tony Brooks 1932 - Racey car bloke.

Faron Young 1932 - Singer. A clip? Here’s It's Four in the Morning. [It’s four whats in the morning? - Ed.]

Tom Courteney 1937 - Actor. Colin Smith in The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.

Herb Elliott 1938 - Runny bloke.

Farokh Engineer 1938 - Crickety bloke.

David Puttnam 1941 - Film producer.

George Harrison 1943 - Musician. Have a clip. Here’s a Beatles' toon written by George, Taxman.

François Cevert 1943 - Pilote de course.

Don Quarrie 1951 - Runny bloke.

Ed Balls 1967 - Politician.

Dominic Raab 1974 - Politician.

Park Ji-Sung 1981 - 축구 선수

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did our bet with Bradlokes fare? We won. Only kidding. We got 58 pees back from our £2.20 stake. I don’t think we can call that a win. What happened? Read on...

Fulham vs Nottingham Forest - Home win

Result - Fulham 2 Nottingham Forest 0

Yay!

A magnificent curling finish from former Chelsea and Arsenal winger Willian broke the deadlock in the first half, before Aleksandar Mitrovic, Bobby De Cordova-Reid and Andreas Pereira all went close to doubling the hosts' advantage.

Willian and Pereira were also both denied by the frame of the goal not long after the restart, but Forest - who lost centre-backs Willy Boly and Scott McKenna to early injuries - improved as the second half wore on.

Substitutes Jonjo Shelvey and Emmanuel Dennis almost combined to bring the visitors back on level terms, but the latter sent his header straight at Bernd Leno before Manor Solomon struck late on with a confident finish.

Burnley vs Preston North End - Home win

Result - Burnley 3 Preston North End 0

Yay!

Nathan Tella's hat-trick saw Burnley crush Lancashire rivals Preston North End.

Tella headed in to reward early home pressure. Tella's next goal followed 10 minutes after the break, the midfielder showing quick feet on the edge of the box to make room and fire in.

His third arrived just three minutes later, with him running onto a long ball forward to blast the ball home and seal the win.

Charlton vs Fleetwood - Home win

Result - Charlton 1 Fleetwood 2

Boo!

The visitors made light of losing captain Danny Andrew through injury after just 10 minutes to take the lead when his replacement Shaun Rooney struck a fine half-volley just before the half-hour.

Charlton’s Jes Rak-Sakyi kept his balance superbly to curl home the equaliser.

Harrison Holgate headed in from close range to restore Fleetwood's lead, after which Charlton's finishing was woeful.

Their task was not helped in the 79th minute when Ryan Inniss was sent off for deciding to hack down Cian Hayes as the Fleetwood substitute raced clear.

The 10-man hosts could not find an equaliser despite 12 minutes of stoppage time added on for a succession of injuries.

Cheltenham vs Accrington - Home win

Result - Cheltenham 0 Accrington 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

A superb save in each half from Lukas Jensen earned Accrington a 0-0 draw at Cheltenham.

He denied Taylor Perry with a save low to his right after a slick attacking move in the 11th minute as the home side made the stronger start.

Jensen made an even better stop to keep out Liam Sercombe's effort in the 57th minute.

Cheltenham's Alfie May wasted a clear opportunity to break the deadlock early in the second half as he miscued wide with the goal gaping after Aidan Keena's pull-back.

Accrington's only chance of note fell to Sean McConville, who saw his volley blocked by Luke Southwood after Rosaire Longelo's low delivery from the right just before half-time.

May forced Jensen into evasive action again 10 minutes before the end but once again the goalkeeper was equal to it and Sercombe volleyed wide late on.

Wycombe vs Derby County - Away win

Result - Wycombe 3 Derby County 2

Boo!

Lewis Wing scored a second-half brace as Wycombe secured a thrilling 3-2 win.

A 10th-minute Sam Vokes volley opened the scoring, before a close-range James Collins reply drew the visitors level.

Wing's second-half double saw Wycombe move two goals ahead and - although a late Lewis Dobbin goal threatened a further twist - the Chairboys held on.

A counterattack ended at the feet of Brandon Hanlan, whose deflected shot looped into the air, with Vokes side-footing the ball home.

The second half saw the Rams equalise through Collins, who converted David McGoldrick's cross into the roof of the net before a late flurry of goals.

Only level for 10 minutes, a corner routine saw Wing's goalbound shot deflect into the net before substitute Tjay De Barr set up the midfielder for his second, four minutes from time.

That was last time, what about this week? What has The Grambler randomly selected for us?

Game - Result - Odds

West Ham vs Nottingham Forest - Home win - 8/11

Norwich vs Cardiff - Home win - 8/11

Sheffield Utd vs Watford - Home win - 19/20

Fleetwood vs Morecambe - Home win - 4/5

Portsmouth vs Cheltenham - Home win - 4/5

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.24

Highly unwhopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Stirling in 1942. I was known as a tenacious and hard-tackling midfielder despite being only 5’ 5” tall. My senior career began at Leeds United in 1960 and I stayed with them until 1976, making 587 appearances. I was captain from 1965 onwards. I was capped for Scotland 54 times.

Answer - Billy Bremner

2. Which Premier League manager was sacked last week?

Answer - Jesse Marsch (Leeds United)

3. And which former Premier League manager returned?

Answer - Sean Dyche (Everton)

4. The answer to question one did not play the most games while he was at Leeds United; who holds the record for the most appearances?

Answer - Jack Charlton (629)

5. Alan Shearer holds the record of the most Premier League goals scored, but who has scored the most P.L. goals for a single club?

Answer - Harry Kane (200 and counting)

Righty ho, let’s have five for this week.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Spain in 1989. A defender, I began my senior career at Osasuna before moving to Marseille. I moved to my current club, Chelsea, in 2012. I have been capped for my country 44 times.

2. Who was the last English manager of a UEFA Cup or UEFA Europa League winning side?

3. Who was the only German to play Premier League football with Manchester United?

4. Who has coached Coventry City, Southampton, Celtic, Middlesbrough and Scotland?

5. Which club has the nickname The Honest Men?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at...

£67,227

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to various comedians who, in 2003, took part in this week's closing link, a Christmas edition of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue. Why did I choose this? Because it features birthday celebrant, Graham Garden, that’s why. Hopefully, you will enjoy it, even if you aren’t an avid ISIHAC fan. Okay, I’m a couple of months... and 19 years... late, but who cares. We all need a good laugh now and again, so ladeez and genullum I give you I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Carol.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Saturday 11 February 2023

Post 471 - A grambling separation

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

Let’s start with a song from Mr Neil Sedaka.

Yes indeed, breaking up is hard to do, but I’ve finally done it. After ten years together, we have parted company. All fairly amicable, though. But I just got fed up with being ignored. Every time. I just got... rebuffed. That’s the word. Rebuffed. I mean, one can only take so much. Hence the split. I suppose the odds were against it working out right from the start. It seemed to be a relationship of give and take... and I was doing all the giving. Of course, they had form. I just never forecast that it would end like this.

Yes, I have stopped using Bet free six foive and have now taken my business to Radblokes instead. [You shameless hussy! - Ed.]

I cannot understand why Bet free six foive stopped accepting my bets. Free six foive, sorry, 365 suggests that it is possible to gaymbull reeshponsheebly (said in my best Ray Winsome voice) every day of the year... I wonder if their name changes to Bet366 on a leap year... I digress. My point is that I was happy to gaymble only on about 30 days each year. Perhaps, that is the root of the problem; I simply don’t bet enough. If my bet, as predicted by The Graymbler... ahem... Grambler, were to lose every time a bet was placed, Bet free six foive could only make around 70 quids each year. Even if the blog was put online every single week of the year, £110 is as much as they could ‘earn’ from The Grambler being wrong in those 52 weeks. It’s not much of an earner, is it?

Truth is, they have made nothing from me for over three years. Yep. Not a bean. How can you be so sure, I hear you ask. I answer, that was the last time that the funds in my betting account dropped below two quids and I had to bung a tenner into it to keep it afloat. That was it. That tenner has seen us through thick and thin for three years.

Last week, when I withdrew money from the account to put it into a new Bradlokes account, there was nearly 20 quids in there. In other words, I have profited by, ooh... about eight quids. Okay, eight smackeroonies in three years isn’t much, but at least it hasn’t lost me any money.

So, it looks to me as if the bookie doesn’t like to be beaten. Yes, I know that no human is ever involved in the transactions, so nobody thinks anything of the sort. It is all dealt with by a computerised system. Perhaps, however, the computer system is designed to simply pull the plug on those accounts which are not profitable. Hmm? Am I on to something here? I can’t think of any other reason for my bets being blocked. Discuss.

Anyway, here’s to a new, happy relationship with Brokelads. Will it be profitable? I wouldn't bet on it.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 11th of February? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Elizabeth I 1466 - The well-known queen.

Henry Fox Talbot 1800 - Photography pioneer. Not a real fox.

Ernest ‘E.W.’ Swanton 1907 - Cricket journalist and broadcaster. Known by his initials.

Brian Oulton 1908 - Jobbing actor. Often played scholarly or legal types; often nameless - Judge, Schoolmaster, Headmaster, Clerk of Court. 188 credits on IMDb.

Michael Balfour 1918 - Jobbing actor. Often played cabbies or thugs; usually nameless. 232 credits on IMDb. Take that Oulton.

Douglas Smith 1924 - Broadcaster. Played the ‘announcer’ on Round the Horne.

Ted Moult 1926 - A farmer who became a radio and TV personality.

Alexander Gibson 1926 - Conductor.

Dennis Skinner 1932 - Politician.

Mary Quant 1934 - Fashion designer.

John Surtees 1934 - racey bike and car bloke. He is the only person to have won world championships on both two and four wheels.

Brian Gould 1939 - Politician.

Anne Gregg 1940 - TV presenter.

Ian Porterfield 1946 - Fitba guy.

Derek Shulman 1947 - Musician. Frontman with prog rock band Gentle Giant. Time for a clip. Here’s Peel the Paint. Derek is the second voice you hear.

Brian Capron 1947 - Actor. Richard Hillman in Coronation Street.

Monica Rose 1948 - Gameshow hostess. She was a contestant on Double Your Money who so impressed Hughie Green, the show’s presenter, that he asked her to be the show’s ‘hostess’. They became something of a double act [Ha! A double your money act! - Ed.] and even made a record, Clap Your Hands.

If your name is Monica Rose, clap your hands... oh, wrong song

Bobby Russell 1957 - Fitba guy.

Deborah Meaden 1959 - Dragon.

Jill Bryson 1961 - Musician. Half of Strawberry Switchblade. Have a clip. Here’s Since Yesterday.

Dorian Healy 1962 - Actor. Kieran Voce in Soldier Soldier.

Karen Matheson 1963 - Singer. Vocalist with Capercaillie. Have another clip. Here’s Coisich A Ruin. That is your actual Gaelic.

John Salako 1969 - Footy bloke.

Damian Lewis 1971 - Actor. Bobby Axelrod in Billions.

Steve McManamananaman 1972 - Fyoooty bloke.

Nick Barmby 1974 - Footy bloke.

Rick Anthony 1979 - Musician. Vocalist with The Phantom Band. Have a wee clip. Here’s The Howling.

Sair Khan 1988 - Actress. Alya Nazir in Coronation Street.

Georgia May Foote 1991 - Actress. Katy Armstrong in Coronation Street.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

Are you desperate to find out how our first bet with Baldrokes fared? We won. In a way. We got £2.04 back from our £2.20 stake. 16 pees down. Not a great start, but a win. Of sorts. What happened? Read on...

Swansea vs Birmingham - Home win

Result - Swansea 3 Birmingham 4

Boo!

Birmingham City’s Auston Trusty's 97th-minute header won a remarkable 4-3 thriller at Swansea.

Blues led through Scott Hogan's penalty before goals by Joel Piroe and Liam Cullen put Swansea City in front.

Tahith Chong equalised for Blues before (ex-Motherwell) keeper John Ruddy's error allowed Piroe to add a second but Lukas Jutkiewicz's (also ex-Motherwell) brave diving header levelled it again.

Blues then found a winner when Trusty headed home Hannibal Mejbri's corner.

Forest Green vs Peterborough - Away win

Result - Forest Green 0 Peterborough 2

Yay!

Jonson Clarke-Harris scored from the spot as Peterborough beat Forest Green 2-0.

Winger Jordon Garrick bundled over opposite number Kwame Poku in the box and skipper Clarke-Harris belted in the penalty in the 73rd minute.

Hector Kyprianou sealed the win in the fifth minute of added time when he fired in a second goal.

Midfielder Kyprianou drifted in unchallenged from the left corner flag before slotting in from nine yards at a tight angle.

Rovers had improved after United's opener and visiting goalkeeper Will Norris did well to turn a 14-yard shot from striker Amadou Bakayoko over the crossbar one minute later.

And defender Brandon Cooper was left holding his head in his hands after nodding over from eight yards.

Joe Ward then stung Rovers keeper Ross Doohan's hands with a shot from the right angle of the box in the 86th minute, before Kyprianou sealed the victory.

Doncaster vs Hartlepool - Home win

Result - Doncaster 0 Hartlepool 1

Boo!

Dan Dodds' late strike gave Hartlepool the win as they triumphed at Doncaster.

The hosts enjoyed much the better of the attacking play throughout, but struggled to break down Pools, who showed only glimpses of attacking threat before Dodds' fine strike on 88 minutes.

Midfielder Harrison Biggins was Rovers' main goal threat, with multiple chances in both halves. He hooked a shot wide from 15 yards and looped a header narrowly over the bar in quick succession while Kyle Hurst saw an effort blocked after good build-up play.

Doncaster's best chance saw Caolan Lavery fire straight at Pools keeper Jakub Stolarczyk after being slid through by George Miller after the break.

The breakthrough in the game came after 88 minutes when Dodds was sent clear on the right before powering a shot in off the far post.

Gillingham vs Crawley - Home win

Result - Gillingham 1 Crawley 0

Yay!

Gillingham’s veteran midfielder Shaun Williams scored the winner in victory over Crawley.

Tom Fellows almost put Crawley in front within 30 seconds when unmarked at the back post.

Town captain Ben Gladwin rounded Glenn Morris before the goalkeeper made an excellent recovery save, then Ludwig Francillette (Cracking name of the week, for sure) fired over from the resulting corner.

Gillingham's best chance of the opening half saw Tom Nichols brilliantly play in Dom Jefferies, but the midfielder scuffed his shot.

The hosts went ahead three minutes after half-time, as Williams fired home after Crawley's Corey Addai had brilliantly denied Nichols.

Addai kept his side in the game as he produced another excellent fingertip save to deny Nichols approaching the hour.

Timothee Dieng and Conor Masterson also had chances to double the advantage, but they had done enough to secure the win.

Leyton Orient vs AFC Wimbledon - Home win - 5/6

Result - Leyton Orient 1 AFC Wimbledon 0

Yay!

George Moncur scored the winner as Leyton Orient beat AFC Wimbledon at Brisbane Road.

Moncur struck in the 64th minute when he drilled a shot from the left side of the area across a crowded box and into the bottom right corner.

And that’s all you need to know. What about this week? What has The Graymbler predicted?

Game - Bet - Odds

Fulham vs Nottingham Forest - Home win - 10/11

Burnley vs Preston North End - Home win - 8/15

Charlton vs Fleetwood - Home win - 19/20

Cheltenham vs Accrington - Home win - Evens

Wycombe vs Derby County - Away win - 6/5

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.20

Not really that whopping, but more whopping than usual.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Ashington, Northumberland in 1924. A centre forward, I played 353 games for Newcastle United and scored 177 goals. At that time, I was the Magpies highest scorer a record which stood until 2006 when Alan Shearer overtook it. There are statues in my honour outside St. James’ Park and another in Ashington. There is also a steam locomotive named in my honour.

Answer - Jackie Milburn

2. Which Spaniard has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - David de Gea (394 and counting)

3. Which club is managed by Steve Cooper?

Answer - Nottingham Forest

4. What nationality is Everton centre-back Yerri Mina?

Answer - Colombian

5. Which English club has the nickname The Sulphurites?

Answer - Harrogate Town

Would you like five for this week? Of course you would...

1. Who am I?

2. Which Premier League manager was sacked last week?

3. And which former Premier League manager returned?

4. The answer to question one did not play the most games while he was at Leeds United; who holds the record for the most appearances?

5. Alan Shearer holds the record of the most Premier League goals scored, but who has scored the most P.L. goals for a single club?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at...

£67,227

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Smith who introduces (and appears in) this week’s finishing item. If you were around in the 1960s, you might remember this; one of the funniest and most outrageous shows radio show ever to grace the airwaves, ladeez and genullum, here’s a complete episode of Round the Horne.

Happy grambling.

Saturday 4 February 2023

Post 470 - Space grambling

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

I despair. I really do. There was a news item on a couple of weeks back about a rocket being sent towards the planet Jupiter. I'll come back to my thoughts on that in a moment, but the first thing that caught my ire was the reporting of this news clip...

'The spacecraft will orbit Jupiter looking for primitive signs of life.' said the newsreader.

No no no! It's looking for signs of primitive life, you silly newscaster! The search itself is not primitive and the means of searching for life are anything but. How many national debts could the amount spent on that mission have cleared?

And that brings me to the real reason for my despair. Space travel. All those clever engineers and scientists are paid vast sums of money to produce what? A rocket that will take eight years to reach its destination and, once it gets there (if it gets there), it may, or may not, send back images that show that there could be, but probably isn't, any life on Jupiter. What a complete waste of skills and money. Well done you.

I could think of better ways to spend $1.1 billion. Yes, that's billion, not million. What could that buy, instead? 5000 far from average homes? A few hospitals? The odd school or dozen? 50,000 average cars? Better still, it could be spent on millions of wells. Sorry pardon excuse me what?

Why don't you smarty boots boffins work out how to get water to the driest parts of this planet we're on before wasting your time on spacecraft that can travel vast distances for f*** all reward? [Wash your mouth out! - Ed.]

Use your knowledge to work out how to dig wells for those people that have no clean water supply.

Perhaps you could develop simpler, cheaper means of water desalination so that those wastelands near the sea could be populated. Hey, that would lower sea levels, too; How's that for a way of stopping land being flooded? There you go; I've solved global warming at a stroke. [Erm... A touch simplistic, don't you think? - Ed.]

Having done that, you smarty boots scientists could put your vast brains to use trying to come up with ways of transporting that precious liquid into areas where wells are just not feasible. If only there were some way of piping a liquid, such as, ooh... let’s call it water, across thousands of miles... you know, a bit like oil and gas is transported at present, but soon won’t be, because we mustn’t waste the Earth’s resources, must we. A shame that those pipelines might soon be redundant... Hey, wait a minute.

Come on, you guys with brains the size of a planet... it's not rocket science.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 28th of January? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Henry VII 1457 - The well-known king.

Henry Stanley 1841 - Explorer and journalist [He’s famous, I presume. - Ed.]

Charles W. Nash 1864 - Businessman who founded Nash Motors.

Auguste Piccard 1884 - Physicist and explorer known for his record-breaking hydrogen balloon flights.

Arthur Rubenstein 1887 - Ivory tickler. Fancy a wee bit cult’yer? Here he is playing George Gershwin’s Prelude No. 2. That was on Rubenstein Collection Volume 11. In all, there were 82 volumes released as albums.

Jimmy Shand 1908 - Musician. Was an unlikely chart topper in 1955 with this, The Bluebell Polka. Try to listen to that without tapping your feet.

The Laird of Auchtermuchty

John Banner 1910 - Actor. Sergeant Schultz in Hogan’s Heroes.

Jackson Pollock 1912 - Painter, it says here.

Harry Corbett 1918 - Puppeteer.

Alfred Marks 1921 - Actor and comedian. Starred in the sitcom, Albert and Victoria. [Who did he play? - Ed.]

Ronnie Scott 1927 - Musician who founded his own jazz club. Nice.

Acker Bilk 1929 - Musician. Here’s a track you may recall, Stranger on the Shore. He was only 32 in that piece of film; he must have had a hard paper round.

Roy Clark 1930 - Writer. One of Britain’s most successful comedy scriptwriters, he has been responsible for, among others, The Misfit, Last of the Summer Wine, Open All Hours, Oh no It’s Selwyn Froggitt and Keeping Up Appearances. Now into his nineties, he is still writing; Still Open All Hours is one of his.

David Lodge 1935 - Orfer.

Alan Alda 1936 - Actor. Hawkeye Pierce in M.A.S.H.

John Normington 1937 - Jobbing actor. Lockwood in A Private Function.

Dick Taylor 1943 - Musician. A Rolling Stone who became a Pretty Thing. [Eh? - Ed.] He was the bassist with the fledgling Rolling Stones but left to resume his studies. He was later a founding member of The Pretty Things. I’ve given you links to S. F. Sorrow in earlier editions of the blog, so here’s something alltogether different, Honey I Need. Dick’s the cool dude in the shades.

John Tavener 1944 - Composer. Here is a short sample of his work, The Lamb. Err ye go; a wee bit mair cult’yer fur yeez therr. Two dods of it, this week.

Robert Harper 1944 - Who? Oh, Bobby Ball, the comedian, it says here.

Nicolas Sarkozy 1955 - Politicien. [You’ve spelt it wrong. - Ed.] No, I haven’t.

Nick Price 1957 - Golfy Bloke.

Frank Skinner 1957 - Comedian.

Lee Ingleby 1976 - Actor. Paul Hughes in The A Word.

Gianluigi Buffon 1978 - Portiere di calcio.

Jamie Carracher 1978 - My favourite fooootball pundit.

Jessica Ennis-Hill 1986 - Heptathleticky bloke.

Right then, what about the 4th of February? Anyone famous born on that date? You bet.

Nigel Bruce 1895 - Actor. Often played bumbling English aristocratic types, but is perhaps best remembered for playing Dr. Watson to Basil Rathbone’s Holmes in over a dozen Sherlock Holmes films made between 1939 and 1946.

Hylda Baker 1905 - Comedienne. She made the occasional record, including this embarrassing parody with Arthur Mullard, You're The One That I Want. Ye gods and little fishes! Who on Earth thought that was a good idea?

Robert Coote 1909 - Actor. Bunny Warren (No, not the character from Porridge.) in League of Gentlemen (The 1960 film, not the TV series.).

Richard Seaman 1913 - Racey car bloke.

Norman Wisdom 1915 - Comedian, actor and singer/songwriter. Here’s a record from the 1950s’ novelty song boom, Norman, with Joyce Grenfell, singing(?) Narcissus (The Laughing Song). No comment.

Peter Butterworth 1919 - Actor. Appeared in 16 of the Carry On series of films, plus several TV spin-offs.

Gerald Sim 1925 - Jobbing actor. The Rector in To The Manor Born.

John Steel 1941 - An Animal. Drummer for the Animals. Here’s a track called It's My Life. Ignore the first 49 seconds of that.

Tony Haygarth 1945 - Actor. P. C. Wilmot in Rosie (Another Roy Clarke creation.).

Linda Bassett 1950 - Actress. Phyllis Crane in Call the Midwife.

‘Tiger’ Tim Stevens 1952 - D. J.

Tim Booth 1960 - Actor and singer/songwriter. Frontman with James. Have a clip, here’s Laid.

John Gordon Sinclair 1962 - Actor. Gregory in Gregory’s Girl. He has also made a record and here it is, We Have a Dream.

Kevin Campbell 1970 - Footy bloke.

Natalie Imbruglia 1975 - Singer and actor. Here’s one of her hits, Big Mistake. The only mistake is that video. What's that meant to be about?

Peter Ash 1985 - Actor. Paul Foreman in Coronation Street.

I’ve received a letter.

Dear Gram Blooth,

I was always a big fan of your band, James... The band is called James, I’m not calling you James... That would be silly... Your name isn’t James... Ahem... Where was I? Oh yes. James. Me. Big fan. Tell me something please: what was your highest charting single?

Yours questioningly,

Syd Down.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

Let’s see what happened to our bet last time out. We won. In a way. We won £3.76 from our £2.20 stake. That looks good, doesn’t it? Only two of our selected matches took place, though. What happened? Read on...

Stoke vs Reading - Home win

Result - Stoke 4 Reading 0

Yay!

Will Smallbone's shot picked out the bottom corner after sloppy play from the Royals defence to give City an early lead.

Below-par Reading fell further behind after the break when Lewis Baker drove forward and teed up Tyrese Campbell whose deflected effort found the net.

Jacob Brown chested in Josh Tymon's cross, and moments later, Josh Laurent's strike deflected into the net off Dwight Gayle to complete the Potters' win.

Derby vs Bolton - Home win

Result - Derby 2 Bolton 1

Yay!

Nathaniel Mendez-Laing and Conor Hourihane scored for Derby.

Defender Will Aimson was initially credited with turning Tom Barkhuizen's right wing cross into his own net, but Mendez-Laing's goal was later confirmed.

More than 30,000 watched the third tier's match of the day, and the home crowd celebrated a second goal 18 minutes from time.

Mendez-Laing and then Barkhuizen combined for Hourihane to power in his sixth of the campaign.

Bolton substitute Kieran Sadlier scored a stoppage-time consolation.

Peterborough vs Charlton - Home win

Result - Postponed

Crewe vs Stockport - Away win

Result - Postponed

Newport vs AFC Wimbledon - Home win

Result - Postponed

Oh well. At least we didn’t lose, but I cannot fathom how we won the amount we did. Any road up, what has The Grambler come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Swansea vs Birmingham - Home win - 17/20

Forest Green vs Peterborough - Away win - 10/11

Doncaster vs Hartlepool - Home win - 4/5

Gillingham vs Crawley - Home win - 4/5

Leyton Orient vs AFC Wimbledon - Home win - 5/6

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.38

Hmm... only moderately whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1951 in Glasgow. A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Partick Thistle in 1969, playing 631 games before transferring to Hibernian in 1982. I was capped for Scotland 53 times and appeared in two FIFA World Cup tournaments.

Answer - Alan Rough (who can be seen singing in the ‘We Have a Dream’ clip).

2. Back to the Premier League: which club drew the most games in 2022?

Answer - Crystal Palace (11)

3. Which club has won the EFL Cup the most times?

Answer - Should be clubs because Liverpool and Manchester City have each won it eight times.

4. Which Brazilian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Willian (267 and counting)

5. Which club plays at Galabank having the nickname the Galabankies?

Answer - Annan Athletic

Shall we have five for this week? Yes indeedy...

1. Who am I?

2. Which Spaniard has made the most Premier League appearances?

3. Which club is managed by Steve Cooper?

4. What nationality is Everton centre-back Yerri Mina?

5. Which English club has the nickname The Sulphurites?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at...

£67,227

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. C. Collins who provides us with a cautionary tale to finish this week’s edition. C (for Christopher) Collins? Who the fu... Who’s that, I hear you ask. You know him better as Brummy (though he’s actually from West Bromwich) comedian Frank Skinner whose birthday was last week. Hope you enjoy this equine story.

Happy grambling.

Pages

Saturday 25 February 2023

Post 472 - Gramble for gramble's sake

François Cevert 1943 - Pilote de course.

£10.24

£67,227

Saturday 11 February 2023

Post 471 - A grambling separation

£12.20

£67,227

Saturday 4 February 2023

Post 470 - Space grambling

£11.38

£67,227

The Bobby Moore Fund

Links