Saturday 26 March 2022

Post 443 - A sweet-toothed gramble

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Story time...

Do you recall an item I wrote some time ago when I was critical [You? Critical? Surely not. - Ed.] about the way sweet manufacturers Crafty and N'est-ce pas (Do you see what I did there? I don't want any lawyers after me.) had messed about with the sweets I enjoyed when I was a nipper? (See last week's blog for the outcome of that.)

Well I'm going to do it again.

What is your favourite biscuit? I'm talking the cream filled, not chocolate coated, type. Custard cream? Bourbon? Definitely bourbon for me. One that would certainly not be on my list would be that over sickly abomination... let's call it Ureo. They are just horrible. That's my view, obviously. Crafty don't agree and, thanks to some targeted advertising, they have persuaded a lot of the younger generation that it really should be their bikkie of choice.

Twas ever so. Why on earth do we want to drink that horrible cola drink the Americans have foisted on people? Advertising. Pure and simple. If someone were to try and market a failed medical product (it was originally marketed as a patent medicine) as a soft drink nowadays, they would be given short shrift... whatever shrift is. Anyway, it would be very short, indeed. As it is, that foul-tasting soft drink is now sold the world over.

The same goes for a certain restaurant (and I use that word in its broadest sense) chain that sells burgers by the shedload. Its bright yellow logo has defaced thousands of buildings across the planet.

If the good ol' US of A ever wanted to win a war by foul means, a few drops of nasty bacteria in those burgers and soft drinks could disable a nation before they knew what had hit them... diarrhoea probably.

Any road up, back to the plot [Was there one? - Ed.], I mentioned 'oribble ureos and its manufacturer Crafty. Now, Crafty also own Britain's favourite chocolate maker... let's call them Badcurry (close enough?).

Sadly, Crafty has decreed that a nice bar of chocolate isn't enough. They think that it can be 'improved' by the addition of the sh*t* that is popular in the US. My previous rant complained that Badcurry chocolate containing salted caramel pretzels was not acceptable. Since that edition of your favourite ill-informed blog I have spotted several more attempts to sneak unwanted gunge into our already perfect choccy bars. How about chopped jelly beans? In Badcurry chocolate? Shouldn't be allowed.

Another that I've spotted... well, I've already told you... is those awful sugary biscuits, Ureos. Recently, I tried some chocolate coated Ureos. Should be all right, I thought. Wasn’t. I'm sorry, Crafty, the chocolate is completely wasted... now, if it had been a bourbon bikkie, that would have been another matter. [You mean a Penguin. - Ed.] No, although a Penguin biscuit is quite close. But if it had Badcurry chocolate on it... chocolate biscuit heaven. Oh dear, I'm dribbling on my keyboard.

The latest Ureo-based abomination? Cream eggs. Sorry, creme eggs. Honestly. Is nothing sacred? How dare they.

Message to Crafty. Stop messing with our chocolate.

They also own a Swiss company that makes a particular prism-shaped chocolate bar that contains almonds and honey. Not a patch on Badcurry products, so, Crafty, if you want to mess up some chocolate, start (and finish) with that.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 26th of March? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Malcolm III aka Canmore 1031 - The well-known king.

Fred Karno 1866 - Comedian and theatre impressario.

Gerald du Maurier 1873 - Thespian dear leddie. Daph’s dad.

Robert Blackburn 1885 - Aviation pioneer. Not Tony’s dad.

Bill Edrich 1916 - Crickety bloke.

Barry Letts 1925 - Actor and TV producer. He was the producer on 156 episodes of Doctor Who.

John Malcolm 1936 - Jobbing actor. Oberleutnant Kluge [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.] in Enemy at the Door.

Howard Werth 1947 - Musician. Frontman of Audience. A clip? Indeed. Here’s You're Not Smiling.

Richard Tandy 1948 - Musician. Keyboard player for ELO. A clip? Why not. Here’s Mr. Blue Sky.

David Amess 1952 - Politician.

Paul Morley 1957 - Journalist and record company co-founder.

Richard Coles 1962 - Musician turned vicar. Let’s have a clip from his days in The Communards; here he is tickling the ivories on You Are My World.

Kevin Davies 1977 - Footy bloke.

Seth Lakeman 1977 - Musician. Let’s have a clip. Here’s The White Hare. [Sounds like the name of a pub. - Ed.]

Keira Knightley 1985 - Actress. Elizabeth Swann in The Pirates of the Caribbean films.

Stephen Fletcher 1987 - Fitba guy.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Richard Grambly,

I really enjoyed listening to ELO performing Mr Blue Sky. It came from your album Out of the Blue, I recall. I believe it nearly reached number one. The next album definitely did hit the top spot, but I can’t remember what it was called. Can you help?

Yours hopefully,

D. Skuvvery.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? We actually made a slight profit... an incredibly slight profit. How much? Two whole pees. Yep, tuppence. [Woo! Whatever will you treat yourself to? - Ed.] Well, at least we didn’t lose. What happened? Read on.

Swansea vs Birmingham - Home win

Result - Swansea 0 Birmingham 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Birmingham were held by Swansea City at the Swansea.com Stadium with the visitors missing several opportunities to win a match they largely dominated.

Birmingham missed two golden chances in the first half with Juninho Bacuna and Tahith Chong both failing to hit the target from close range.

Maxime Colin rattled the crossbar in the second half, with Swansea dominant in possession but creating few chances.

Joel Piroe had their best efforts, but Swansea never looked like scoring.

Cambridge Utd vs MK Dons - Away win

Result - Cambridge 0 MK Dons 1

Yay!

Warren O'Hora scored the only goal for MK Dons in a 1-0 win at Cambridge United.

Dons grabbed the decisive goal on the hour mark when Cambridge failed to deal with Dan Harvie's long throw and the ball fell to defender O'Hora to fire past Dimi Mitov.

The visitors could have gone ahead early on but Troy Parrott could only fire over following Kaine Kesler-Hayden's pull back from the right.

Cambridge were denied by a brilliant double piece of defending in the eighth minute. Jamie Cumming turned Harvey Knibbs' effort onto the bar and Joe Ironside's rebound header was somehow hooked off the line by Conor Coventry.

Knibbs missed a great chance in first-half stoppage time when he guided a shot wide from close range after Cumming had stopped Harrison Dunk's initial effort.

After O’Hora’s goal, Cambridge looked to respond but Ironside could only stab Dunk's delivery wide six minutes later.

Scott Twine dragged a shot wide but the visitors held onto their lead.

Cheltenham vs AFC Wimbledon - Home win

Result - Cheltenham 3 Wimbledon 1

Yay!

Late goals from Callum Wright, George Lloyd and Alfie May earned Cheltenham a 3-1 home win over AFC Wimbledon.

The Dons led for nearly an hour after Jack Rudoni's first-half strike.

Rudoni found the net in the 26th minute, seconds after Will Boyle saw a header bounce back off the bar after Elliot Bonds' cross for Cheltenham, who were then undone on the break.

Wimbledon created the first chance of the game when Ayoub Assal raced through on goal, but with only goalkeeper Owen Evans to beat, he scuffed wide of the left post after 15 minutes.

Cheltenham dominated possession after the break, but they struggled to find a way past a well-organised Dons side, with Nik Tzanev untroubled until the 81st minute.

Aaron Ramsey saw a shot blocked and it fell for Wright to tap in.

Less than two minutes later, Matty Blair's cross from the right was nodded in by Lloyd from close range and May added the third in the second minute of time added on to complete the turnaround.

Plymouth vs Accrington - Home win

Result - Plymouth 4 Accrington 0

Yay!

Panutche Camara, Joe Edwards, Niall Ennis and Ryan Hardie were on the scoresheet as Argyle claimed the win.

Stanley threatened first when Michael Nottingham headed Sean McConville's 10th-minute corner onto the bar.

However, it was the Pilgrims who opened the scoring when, two minutes after that let-off, Danny Mayor's cross into the box was knocked down by Jordon Garrick for Camara to fire home.

Accrington had dominated possession during the first half but they were unable to take advantage and found themselves 2-0 down in the 37th minute.

Skipper Edwards created and finished the goal, going on a mazy run before losing the ball, which came back to him off a home defender and allowed him to continue his charge before finding space to slot past Toby Savin.

The outcome of the match was settled in a four-minute spell midway through the second half when Plymouth notched their third goal and Accrington lost goalkeeper Savin to a red card.

James Wilson put substitute Ennis in on goal to make it 3-0 in the 64th minutes and then Savin saw red after fouling Argyle's top scorer Hardie on his way to goal. Savin was replaced by substitute keeper Liam Isherwood.

Edwards’ thundering drive came back off the upright after 77 minutes as Argyle piled on the pressure, and they added a fourth soon after when Mayor's cross from the left was helped home by Hardie.

Gillingham vs Sheffield Wed - Away win

Result - Gillingham 0 Sheffield 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Owls had the majority of possession but failed to break down their hosts at Priestfield.

Gillingham squandered some great chances to secure a win, Charlie Kelman going close as he headed wide in the first half.

Moments later Bailey Peacock-Farrell produced a fine double save to keep out both Kelman and Vadaine Oliver.

At the other end, Jordan Storey should have done better when he headed Barry Bannan's cross wide.

The hosts went close seconds after the restart when Kelman forced Peacock-Farrell into another quality stop.

Bannan then started to pull the strings, forcing a decent save out of Aaron Chapman before firing a shot just over the bar.

Lee Gregory almost stole it for the Owls with seven minutes left but his effort was cleared off the line.

Oh well, close but no cigar. Let's have a look at what The Grambler has come up with this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Accrington Stanley vs Gillingham - Home win - 17/20

AFC Wimbledon vs Cambridge Utd - Home win - 21/20

Doncaster vs Charlton - Away win - 10/11

Ipswich vs Plymouth - Home win - 4/5

Shrewsbury vs Lincoln - Home win - Evens

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.14

Did you know that 1314 was a significant year in the history of Scotland? It was an' all. It was the year in which Edward II’s troops were defeated by Robert the Bruce’s men in what became known as The Battle of Bannockburn. Time for a song methinks. All together now... Oh flower of Scotland... That's the original version, beautifully sung. Take note all you Scottish rugby and football fans.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Camos, Spain in 1986. A defender, I began my senior career at Sevilla Atlético in 2003. After a brief spell at Sevilla, I moved to Real Madrid, making 469 appearances over a 16 year period. I have been capped 180 times making the most capped Spanish player ever.

Answer - Sergio Ramos with 180

2. Sticking with Spanish players, which Spaniard has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Fernando Torres with 85

3. Which player made the most Premier League appearances for Liverpool?

Answer - Jamie Carragher with 508

4. Which club has won the French League Championship the most times?

Answer - St. Etienne have won ten titles. You would also have been correct if you had said Marseilles who have one nine times in the professional era and once as amateurs. Hope that didn’t cause too many fights in the pub.

5. Which club plays at the Valley Parade stadium?

Answer - Bradford. The stadium is actually now known as the Utilita Energy Stadium for sponsorship reasons.

What about five for this week? Indeed.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Sauchie, Clackmannanshire in 1955. I began my senior career as a defender at Partick Thistle in 1973. In 1977 I moved to Liverpool making 434 appearances before my retirement in 1991. I had two spells as club captain. I was capped 26 times for Scotland. After retiring from the game, I became famous as a football pundit for the BBC.

2. Which player has made the most Premier League appearances for Everton?

3. Which Scot has won the most Premier League winners medals?

4. Which club plays at Recreation Park?

5. How about a daft one? How many teams in the English and Scottish senior leagues have Albion in their name?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr F. Westcott who, in a way, provides us with this week’s finishing item. Fred Westcott was better known by his stage name of Fred Karno. As well as being a comedian, he was a theatre impressario in the days of the British Music Hall. Many comedy stars of the silent era and later were given their first chance by Karno. He changed the style of comedy at that time and is credited for many of the gags later used in silent films. Custard pie gag? Fred Karno. Slapstick humour? Fred Karno. And those acts that were given their first break by him? How about this for a line-up? Stan Laurel, Will Hay, Sandy Powell, Max Miller, Frank Randle and Billy Bennett; all huge stars in their day. He also provided a start for arguably the most famous film star of all time. Who could that be, I hear you ask. None other than the man who provides us with this week’s final clip, Charlie Chaplin. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy from the 1925 film The Gold Rush - the oceana roll dance.

Can you name this world-famous film star?

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Saturday 19 March 2022

Post 442 - Grambling, just like that

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

Do you remember John Wayne, the actor known as Duke or Dook (as it was proounced over in the good ol’ U.S. of A)? Did you know that he was a dentist working in a town six miles south of Glasgow? [Nurse. Time to up the medication. - Ed.] Don’t believe me? Then read on.

We are living in an age when politicians feel the need to apologise for events that happened years, sometimes centuries, ago. This week alone, there have been apologies made for the abuse of young children in care in postwar Northern Ireland and the Scottish government has apologised for the witchcraft trials and executions in Scotland following the Witchcraft Act of 1563. That one is perhaps taking things a little too far. However, there is a more recent crime that deserves an apology or two. Dentistry. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yep. Dentistry. Let me explain. [Please do. - Ed.]

When I was a nipper [Uh oh. Hovis time. - Ed.] growing up in the 1960s (Yes, I am that old.) dentists were paid a lot of dosh to look after children’s teeth. Actually, that isn’t quite correct. They were offered a lot of dosh for fillings they put into children’s teeth. Actual dental ‘care’, didn’t seem to apply. As a youngster, I probably looked after my teeth the same way as the current generation... brushing twice a day. In those days, nobody thought to mention flossing as being a useful way to improve cleaning of the gnashers, now a fairly commonly accepted practice. The difference between my teeth and those of today’s kids is that mine were filled with amalgam every time I visited my local butcher. Any speck of discolouring meant decay to my dentist and that meant the need to fill which, in turn, meant loadsamoney in his bank account. Looking back, I realise that many of those fillings were unnecessary, but that nice new Jaguar sitting in the driveway wasn’t going to pay for itself.

It would be easy to say he was a rogue dentist, but they were all at it... there was gold in them thar fills.

I still have a few of those teeth left and, despite the gaps, I do not have dentures. That is a surprise, since the dentist once announced to my mother that I would have false teeth by the time I was 16. What he forgot to add were the words ‘if I’ve got anything to do with it.’

On one occasion he made such a hash of filling a tooth... one that had not been giving me any sort of problem... that I ended up with severe toothache. My only option was to go back to him to have it extracted. He was probably cursing his luck that he had to do that; he wouldn't be able to make any money off a gap with nothing to fill.

Nowadays, an extraction would be carried out after a couple of novocaine injections; in those days, gas was used. No doctor’s approval was sought. Nope. The dentist just stuck a rubber mask over your face and while you were having forty winks, the offending molar was removed.

Now, here comes the John Wayne bit. While I was under, I must have been having a dream about cowboy John Wayne winning the west, or soldier John Wayne winning the war because, when I came to, there was Duke or Dook removing the mask from my face. I think I exclaimed, ‘Wow! John Wayne!’

My mother was present and she laughed, as did John Wayne himself and his assistant. After a while, I began to focus properly and understood why they found it so amusing but, for a few minutes, my dentist had, indeed, been big John Wayne... The hell it was!

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Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 12th of March? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Thomas Arne 1710 - Composer. Are you feeling patriotic? No? Tough. Here is this week’s wee bit cult-yer, Rule Britannia. [Was that Margaret Thatcher? - Ed.]

Charles Boycott 1832 - Land agent. Sorry pardon excuse me? I’m going to refer to Wikipedia here for the story of how the word boycott entered the English language...After retiring from the army, Boycott worked as a land agent for Lord Erne, a landowner in the Lough Mask area of County Mayo. In 1880, as part of its campaign for the ‘Three Fs’ (fair rent, fixity of tenure, and free sale) and specifically in resistance to proposed evictions on the estate, local activists of the Irish Land League encouraged Boycott's employees (including the seasonal workers required to harvest the crops on Lord Erne's estate) to withdraw their labour, and began a campaign of isolation against Boycott in the local community. This campaign included shops in nearby Ballintrobe refusing to serve him, and the withdrawal of services. Some were threatened with violence to ensure compliance. The campaign against Boycott became a cause celebre in the British press after he wrote a letter to The Times. Newspapers sent correspondents to the West of Ireland to highlight what they viewed as the victimisation of a servant of a peer of the realm by Irish nationalists. Fifty Orangemen from County Cavan and County Monaghan travelled to Lord Erne's estate to harvest the crops, while a regiment of the 19^th Royal Hussars and more than 1,000 men of the Royal Irish Constabulary were deployed to protect the harvesters. The episode was estimated to have cost the British government and others at least £10,000 to harvest about £500 worth of crops. So that was a great success, then. Not only is that a crib from Wikipedia, it’s a crib from the article I wrote on Boycott six years ago. So that explains your feeling of deja vu. Damn good story, worth repeating. About time someone apologised to the Irish for that sort of behaviour.

Max Wall 1908 - Comedian and actor.

Tommy Farr 1913 - Boxy bloke.

Googie Withers 1917 - Ectress. Faye Boswell in Within These Walls.

Donald Zec 1919 - Journalist.

Joe Fagan 1921 - Footy bloke.

Gudrun Ure 1926 - Actress. None other than Super Gran.

James Martin 1931 - Actor. Eric in Still Game.

Tammy Jones 1944 - Singer. She won Opportunity Knocks for six consecutive weeks in 1975 and soon had a top ten hit with this, Let Me Try Again.

Les Holroyd 1948 - Musician. A member of Barclay James Harvest who produced this rather apt tune... Kiev. You might want to read the lyrics.

My friends it's not what you were famous for

but now the whole world's watching you.

If we could help you then you know we would;

but we don't know just what to do.

Eye to eye our ways are not the same,

we never tried to understand;

but it could pass to each of us you name

then who's the one to take the blame.

Kiev, a candle with a flame,

you'll never be the same.

Our hearts go out to you

and what you're going through,

they've thrown away your past

just like an empty glass.

Into the fire...

Someone wiser took the Steppe from you,

I'm sure with reason it was right;

but now it seems the whole world's blaming you

and who's the one to put things right.

Kiev, a candle with a flame,

you'll never be the same.

Our hearts go out to you

and what you're going through,

they've thrown away your past

just like an empty glass.

Into the fire...

Kiev, a candle with a flame

you'll never be the same.

We all will understand

you're really not to blame,

they've thrown away your past

just like an empty glass.

Into the fire Kiev...

Oh, Kiev...

Virginia Bottomley 1948 - Politician.

David Mellor 1949 - Politician.

Mike Gibbins 1949 - Drummer with Badfinger. Here he is pretending to hit the skins on their biggest hit, Come and Get It.

Anish Kapoor 1954 - Artist.

Lesley Manville 1956 - Actress. Cathy in Mum.

Steve Harris 1956 - Musician. Founder of Iron Maiden. A clip? Why not. Let's Rawwwkkk! CGI has come on a bit in 16 years.

Mark Easton 1959 - Journalist, presenter.

Julian Firth 1960 - Actor. Brother Jerome in Cadfael.

Ian Holloway 1963 - Footy bloke.

Colleen Nolan 1965 - A loose woman. Also a member of family singing troupe, The Nolans. A clip? Why not. Here’s Sexy Music.

Graham Coxon 1969 - Musician. One time guitarist with Blur, but here is a solo effort, Freakin' Out.

Jo Hartley 1972 - Actress. June in After Life.

Pete Doherty 1979 - Musician, songwriter, actor, poet, writer and artist. And we know what kind of artist. Do want a clip? [If you must. - Ed.] Here’s one called Arcady.

Zander Diamond 1985 - Fitba guy.

Danny Jones 1986 - Musician. A bit of McFly. A clip? Here’s the first of seven number ones. 5 Colours In Her Hair. [Number one? I’d have said it had a whiff of number two about it. - Ed.]

Elly Jackson 1988 - Singer with La Roux. Time for another clip. Here’s their only number one to date, Bulletproof.

Scott Robinson 1992 - Footy blowk. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Now then, what about 19th of March?

David Livingstone 1813 - Explorer and missionary. How long until someone apologises for some of the things he was involved in.

Tod Slaughter 1885 - Actor. B movie villain.

Frank Atkinson 1890 - Jobbing actor. Never a star but 199 credits on IMDb.

Louis Hayward 1909 - Actor. Denis Moore in Anthony Adverse. I picked that particular film to appeal to Monty Python fans.

George Moon 1909 - Another jobbing actor. Ginger Smart in Shadow Squad and its follow-up Skyport (225 episodes in all)

Jack Odell 1920 - Toy manufacturer. He came up with ‘Matchbox’ toy cars; so called because they were small enough to fit into a matchbox. He later came up with Lledo toys... Lledo... geddit?

Tommy Cooper 1921 - Comedian and magician combined into one.

Mary Wimbush 1924 - Actress. Prudie Paynter in Poldark, the 1975-77 version.

Maurice Roëves 1937 - Actor. Vincent Diver in Tutti Frutti.

John Lambie 1941 - Fitba guy.

Paul Atkinson 1946 - Musician. A Zombie. Have a clip. Here’s Tell Her No.

Derek Longmuir 1951 - A Bay City Roller. The one who ‘played’ the drums. Have a clip. Here’s Shang-a-Lang. Those cymbals aren’t moving much.

Terry Hall 1959 - Singer with The Specials and Fun Boy Three. Have a clip. Here’s Too Much Too Young. The Specials - Too Much Too Young (Live) - YouTube

Stuart McQuarrie 1963 - Jobbing actor. Do you remember the American tourist in Trainspotting? Him.

Nigel Clough 1966 - Footy bloke.

Dean Smith 1971 - Footy bloke.

Ashley Giles 1973 - Crickety bloke.

Dan Walker 1977 - TV presenter.

Ryan Esson 1980 - Fitba guy.

Lee Naylor 1980 - Footy bloke.

Nick Hendrix 1985 - Actor. DS Jamie Winter in Midsomer Murders.

Maddy Hill 1990 - Actress. Nancy Carter in Eastenders.

Lee Erwin 1994 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell you know.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gramblam Coxon,

Nice to hear one of your solo efforts this week. I was a big Blur fan back in the 1990s. I recall you had a couple of number one single. One was Country House, but I can’t recall the other one. Can you help?

Yours questioningly,

B. Tulbum.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Not too bad. We actually made a slight profit. £3.64 back from our £2.20 outlay. Yay! What happened? Read on (but since it all happened a fortnight ago, I’ll just give the results without a match report)...

Cheltenham vs Doncaster - Home win

Result - Cheltenham 4 Doncaster 0

Yay!

Oxford Utd vs Burton - Home win

Result - Oxford Utd 4 Burton Albion 1

Yay!

Plymouth vs Morecambe - Home win

Result - Plymouth 2 Morecambe 0

Yay!

Portsmouth vs Accrington - Home win

Result - Portsmouth 4 Accrington Stanley 0

Yay!

Rotherham vs MK Dons - Home win

Result - Rotherham Utd 1 MK Dons 2

Boo!

Oh well. Things are looking up. Maybe... maybe not. What has The Grambler come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Swansea vs Birmingham - Home win - 10/11

Cambridge Utd vs MK Dons - Away win - 10/11

Cheltenham vs AFC Wimbledon - Home win - 10/11

Plymouth vs Accrington - Home win - 10/11

Gillingham vs Sheffield Wed - Away win - 11/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.96

Fairly whopping by our standards.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Breda, Netherlands in 1991. I am a centre back and began my senior career at Groningen, before moves to Celtic, Southampton and, my current club, Liverpool. I have been capped 44 times for the Netherlands and was made captain in 2018.

Answer - (Dick’s lad) Virgil van Dijk

2. Which British footballer holds the dubious record of receiving the most red cards in his career?

Answer - Vinnie Jones (Who else?) with 12

3. After Benfica, which club has won the Portuguese League Championship the most times?

Answer - Porto with 20 titles (Benfica have 37)

4. Which club plays at the Balmoral Stadium?

Answer - Cove Rangers

5. Who was the first England player to be capped more than 100 times?

Answer - Billy Wright (105 caps in all)

Shall we have another five for this week? Why not...

1. Who am I?

2. Sticking with Spanish players, which Spaniard has scored the most Premier League goals?

3. Which player made the most Premier League appearances for Liverpool?

4. Which club has won the French League Championship the most times?

5. Which club plays at the Valley Parade stadium?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. T. Cooper. Tommy Cooper was one of the most popular comedians on British TV in the 1960s and 70s. I’ve heard a term relating to comedians, describing them as having ‘funny bones’ and he seems to be a perfect example. When he walked onto a stage, the audience laughed. He didn’t have to say or do anything, he was just funny. He was famous for his anarchic magic routines and it is one of these which I have found on Ya Tube to end this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog. Before that, I just want to relate a little true story. Stop me if you’ve heard it before. It concerns a chap who was in Egypt on holiday and went to the local market to buy souvenirs. One stall was selling fez hats (the type Tommy Cooper wore) and the stallholder was saying (in the style of Tommy Cooper) ‘Zuh zuh zuh. Just like that.’ The tourist thought this amusing and asked the trader if he liked Tommy Cooper. The stallholder looked at him blankly and asked, ‘Who?’ It seems that all British tourists who came to the stall would put on a fez and say, ‘Zuh zuh zuh. Just like that.’ The salesman had never seen the real thing, but was simply imitating the daft Brits. Anyway, on to our final clip for the week. This was an appearance he made on one of the most prestigious American shows of its era, The Ed Sullivan Show... God only knows what the Americans made of this.

Zuh zuh zuh. Just like that.

Happy grambling.

Friday 4 March 2022

Post 441 - Grambling with cats

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

Following on from last week's article... What do you mean, you haven't read it? Well, do it now. This instance. Otherwise, this week's, won't make much sense. Last week's edition related to folk being promoted beyond their abilities in the media. Sort of. Anyway, read on...

It now seems that, if you are not from a minority group, any minority group, not just differently-abled, you are at a disadvantage. Would you be chosen for a post at the Beeb Beeb Ceeb? It could cause a lot of stress. So much so, that the Beeb might have to provide counselling...

'Can you help me, doctor?'

'You look a bit down. What seems to be the trouble?'

'I'm think I'm being victimised. I can't cope with it.'

'How do you mean, victimised?'

'I tried to get a job as a presenter. I was perfectly qualified but I didn't get it because I'm... sniff...'

'Take your time...'

'Because I'm... able-bodied.'

'Oh dear. And how long have you been non-differently-abled?'

'From birth.'

'Oh dear that is sad. Are you sure you didn't get the job solely because of your lack of a disability?'

'I think other factors were at play as well. I'm white for one thing.'

'And you're certainly not a female.'

'Obviously. And I'm not from an ethnic minority. They asked if I was transgender or at the very least a transvestite. I had to answer no. I mean I'm not even gay. Then there's my diction.'

'Your diction is superb.

'Exactly. Something else against me. I haven't even got a regional accent.'

'Sounds like you have nothing going in your favour.'

'I know. Its always been a problem right from school days. I used to be teased about it. 'Look at you with your complete set of limbs that all work' or 'Look at you with your brain that can do sums.'

'Ah. Bullying. Lots of people get bullied and use it in their favour later in life.'

'How do you mean?'

'Have you thought about becoming a comedian? Quite often comedians have turned to comedy simply as a means of deflecting the bullying.'

'I wasn't really bullied. It was just a bit of teasing, nothing more... and I don't know any jokes.'

'Pity you weren't the bully. Lots of people get on if they are a bully... Alan Sugar, Gordon Ramsay, Anne Robinson... erm... Mr Punch... Are you a misogynist, by any chance?'

'No. I was never any good on the pommel horse.'

'That's a gymnast. Misogynist. Do you hate women?'

'No. Quite the reverse.'

'Got it! Are you a bit of a Casanova? Love em and leave em? The viewers love a bad boy image.'

'No. I've been with my wife since our teenage years.'

'Blimey, this is hard. You must have some fault that could help you... Are you a drug addict?'

'No.'

'Alcoholic?'

'I like a sherry now and then, but alcoholic? No.'

'Pity. Addicted to anything?'

'There is one thing I can't stop doing.'

'Aha! What is that?'

'Whistling.'

'Whistling?'

'Yes. If I get a song in my head, I'll be whistling it all day long. It really annoys my wife.'

'Not really an addiction, then. More an annoying trait.'

'Suppose. It's really getting me down.'

'Are you suicidal? You could tell your story of coming back from the brink.'

'No. I'm not suicidal. Just a bit low. I really did want to get into the BBC.'

'You have got nothing in your favour. Unless...'

'What?'

'Sport.'

'Sport?'

'How is your sports knowledge?'

'Erm... not very good.'

'What do you know about minority sports?'

'How do you mean?'

'What do you know about, say, table tennis?'

'Nothing.'

'What about bmx biking?'

'Same again. Nothing.'

'Judo?'

'Absolutely nothing... look, what are you getting at?'

'I have the solution. A sure fire way to get on at the beeb. The Commonwealth Games are coming up soon... they'll need someone to talk about those sports that nobody knows, or even cares, about. They can't expect Gary Lineker to do everything.'

'That's true.'

'If you can show them that you know nothing about minority sports, you must be in with a shout. '

'I'll just go and brush up on the rules of kayaking.'

'Good choice, but don't go into it too much. You don't want them to think you actually know something. And remember not to be all sexist if they ask you what you know about volleyball. Don't mention the skimpy outfits.'

'I won't... then there's lacrosse... extreme ironing... cheese rolling... so many sports that no one gives a monkey’s about. Do you really think I'll stand a chance?'

'Trust me. I'm a doctor.'

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 5th of March? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

King David II of Scotland 1324 - The well-known monarch.

John Adam 1721 - Architect.

Henry Travers 1874 - Actor. Clarence Odbody in It’s a Wonderful Life.

William Beveridge 1879 - Economist and social reformer. Not a drink.

Ann George 1903 - Actress, it says here. She played Brummie waitress Amy Turtle in Crossroads where she was famous for fluffing her lines.

Oi keep forgettin me loins.

Rex Harrison 1908 - Actor. Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady. How about a little clip. Here he has grown accustomed to her face.

Diana Coupland 1928 - Actress. Jean Abbott in Bless This House.

Nicholas Smith 1934 - Actor. Mr Rumbold in Are You Being Served?

Judy Grinham 1939 - Swimmy bloke.

Samantha Eggar 1939 - Actress. Delia Mallory in Doctor in Distress.

Jane Rossington 1943 - Actress. Jill Richardson/Harvey/Chance in Crossroads. She knew Ann George. That must have been nice for her.

Huge Scully 1943 - TV presenter.

Murray Head 1946 - Actor and singer. Here’s a song that gave him a minor hit back in 1969, Say It Ain't So, Joe. I have no idea who Joe is.

Clodagh Rodgers 1947 - Singer. Here she is singing her 1969 hit, Goodnight Midnight while dressed as a feather duster.

Eddy Grant 1948 - Musician. Let’s have another clip. Here he is Living On The Front Line.

Elaine Paige 1948 - Rerr chanter. Here she is dressed as the lion from Wizard of Oz singing Memory and the words are there so, come on folks, sing along.

Richard Hickox 1948 - Conductor.

Mike Gwilym 1949 - Actor. Sid Halley in The Racing Game.

Alan Clark 1952 - Musician. One-time Dire Strait keyboardist. Let’s have another clip. Here’s So Far Away.

Richard Sanderson 1953 - Singer. Never heard of him? Well, this song was number one in 15 countries... but not Britain. Here’s Reality.

Mark E. Smith 1957 - Singer (speaker?) with The Fall. Have a clip. Here’s Free Range.

Andy Gibb 1958 - Singer. The non-Bee Gee Gibb brother. Here’s one written by big bruv, Barry, An Everlasting Love.

Kevin Patterson 1960 - Who? Singer who didn’t spend long in the music industry but did manage to produce this absolute gem with his band, Fiction Factory, (Feels Like) Heaven.

Rosemarie Ford 1962 - Actress, dancer and singer. Let’s have another visit to the cattery, here she and Aeva May sing about Macavity.

Craig and Charlie Reid 1962 - The Proclaimers. Yay! Let’s have a clip... but which singalong crowd pleaser should we pick? Here’s I'm On My Way Uh huh, uh huh...

Melissa Bell 1964 - Singer with Soul II Soul and mum of Alexandra Burke. Have a clip. Here’s Wish.

Paul Ritter 1966 - Actor. Martin Goodman in Friday Night Dinner.

Paul Blackthorne 1969 - Actor. Stephen Saunders in 24.

Adam Zindani 1972 - Musician. Rhythm guitarist with Stereophonics. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Indian Summer.

Matt Lucas 1974 - Comedian, screenwriter, singer and actor.

Lucian Msamati 1976 - Actor. John Faa in His Dark Materials.

Trevor Carson 1988 - Fooddy blooke nigh. Ex-Motherwell goalie.

Parry Glasspool 1992 - Actor. Harry Thompson in Hollyoaks.

Harry Maguire 1993 - Footy bloke.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Grambly Grant,

It was wonderful to hear an example of your solo work. I wonder if it would be possible to hear a hit from your time with The Equals. I believe they had a number one, but I can't remember its title. Can you help?

Yours forgetfully,

B. B. Cumback

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Badly, is the blunt answer. Only one correct result out of the five predictions so no money back. What happened? Read on.

Barnsley vs Middlesbrough - Away win

Result - Barnsley 3 Middlesborough 2

Boo!

Amine Bassi provided the chip into the box for Mads Andersen to give Barnsley an early lead and then netted his first goal (of two) from Carlton Morris' lay-off. Bassi shrugged off Anfernee Dijksteel's challenge to make it 3-0 after the break.

Andraz Sporar pulled one back from the spot after Isaiah Jones was fouled and Liam Kitching's own goal further reduced the deficit with seconds remaining.

Morecambe vs Ipswich - Away win

Result - Morecambe 1 Ipswich 1

Ooh! ’It the bar

A late goal from Wes Burns earned Ipswich a draw at Morecambe.

Burns squeezed a close-range shot under Morecambe keeper, birthday boy Trevor Carson with just three minutes remaining to snatch victory from the Shrimps, who opened the scoring with an Aaron Wildig header.

The visitors enjoyed the greater share of possession in the first half and created a number of chances, with James Norwood firing over from close range and Sone Aluko and Sam Morsy forcing Carson into fine saves.

The second half saw Morecambe hit back, with Cole Stockton coming close before substitute Wildig headed Adam Phillips' cross home from six yards out.

Carson made two excellent saves from Bersant Celina before Burns finally breached the Shrimps' defence with a shot on the turn from eight yards out.

Plymouth vs Rotherham - Away win

Result - Plymouth 0 Rotherama(?) 1

Yay!

Argyle's best chance to score fell to Jordon Garrick but his 11th-minute header from a pinpoint Conor Grant cross came back off the post.

Rotherham responded with Ben Wiles letting fly with a shot from outside the box that flew just wide.

Freddie Ladapo - who had fired into the side netting early on - forced a brilliant smothering save from home keeper Michael Cooper after 30 minutes.

Garrick had another opportunity to score in the second half but his header flew wide.

The hosts were made to pay when Michael Smith scored in the 63rd minute.

The striker drilled the ball past Cooper from the right side of the box after being teed up by Wiles, taking his goal tally for the campaign to 18.

Plymouth striker Ryan Hardie was denied by United keeper Josh Vickers in the 78th minute as the Millers held on for the win.

Crawley vs Forest Green - Away win

Result - Crawley 2 Forest Green 1

Boo!

First-half goals from Ashley Nadesan and Jordan Tunnicliffe gave Crawley a surprise win.

Dominic Bernard scored for Rovers late on.

Forest Green could have scored twice in the opening seven minutes. Jordan Moore-Taylor had a close range header saved before Kane Wilson drove wastefully wide after being set up by Marty Stevens.

But Nadesan, an early substitute for the injured Aramide Oteh, gave Crawley the lead on 24 minutes by slipping the ball past keeper Luke McGee after Nick Tsaroulla's through-ball.

It got better for the Reds eight minutes later when defender Tunnicliffe headed in at the far post following a corner by Jack Powell.

After the start of the second half, Crawley midfielder Isaac Hutchinson had a deflected shot parried by keeper McGee.

Rovers substitute Jack Aitchison twice shot wide within the space of a minute but defender Bernard reduced the deficit on 80 minutes after Reds only half-cleared a free-kick by Nicky Cadden.

Alloa vs Cove Rangers - Away win

Result - Alloa 2 Cove Rangers 2

Ooh! ’It the bar.

No match report other than the fact that Alloa were two up after 19 minutes thanks to goals from captain Andy Graham on six minutes and Steven Boyd on 19. They were down to ten men when Jon Robertson was red-carded after 62 minutes. Cove hit back on 82 minutes and 87 minutes with goals from Ola Adeyemo and Kai Fotheringham respectively.

Ho hum, never mind. What has The Grambler come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Cheltenham vs Doncaster - Home win - 7/10

Oxford Utd vs Burton - Home win - 7/10

Plymouth vs Morecambe - Home win - 8/13

Portsmouth vs Accrington - Home win - 19/20

Rotherham vs MK Dons - Home win - 17/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£9.88

Not whopping... just pathetic!

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1961 in Hexham, Northumberland. I began my senior career at Carlisle United before a move to Canada. I returned to the UK to begin the first of two spells at Newcastle United during which I played 276 games and scored 108 goals. I also played for Liverpool, Everton, Bolton Wanderers, Manchester City and Fulham. I was capped 59 times for England.

Answer - Peter Beardsley, there’s only one Peter Beardsley.

2. What feat is shared by Burnley, Portsmouth, Preston North End, Sheffield United and Wolverhampton Wanderers?

Answer - They have all won League Titles in all four flights of the English League.

3. Why are Southampton F.C. known as The Saints?

Answer - The club’s original name was St. Mary’s Church of England Young Men’s Association. I wonder why they changed it.

4. Which Italian footballer has been capped the most times?

Answer - Gianluigi Buffon with 176 caps

5. Who was the oldest player to be capped for England?

Answer - Stanley Matthews at the grand old age of 42.

Shall we have another five for this week? Indeed we shall.

1. Who am I?

2. Which British footballer holds the dubious record of receiving the most red cards in his career?

3. After Benfica, which club has won the Portuguese League Championship the most times?

4. Which club plays at the Balmoral Stadium?

5. Who was the first England player to be capped more than 100 times?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. M. Lucas who is celebrating his 48th birthday today and provides our closing link. Before Little Britain, Matt Lucas appeared on Shooting Stars which ran from 1993 to 2011. It is hard to believe that Matt wasn’t even 20 years old when he began his TV career as ‘George Dawes’. According to Bob Mortimer, he was given free rein to say and do anything he liked on the show. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy this short compilation from the man with the scores... George Dawes.

Happy grambling.

Pages

Saturday 26 March 2022

Post 443 - A sweet-toothed gramble

£13.14

Saturday 19 March 2022

Post 442 - Grambling, just like that

£11.96

Friday 4 March 2022

Post 441 - Grambling with cats

£9.88

The Bobby Moore Fund

Links