Saturday 2 November 2024

516 - An automated gramble

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story Time

A few weeks back, I had a pop at changes to toilet design. Do you remember? I was bemoaning the changing shape of toilet bowls. I was. Don't you remember? Well, I was.

Any road up, this week's (g)ramble concerns another toilety bugbear of mine... automation.

Whatever do you mean, I hear you ask. There is nothing wrong with a toilet self-flushing, surely. I deg to biffer, and don't call me Shirley.

Sometimes, they are just too sensitive. You might be sitting there, minding your own business, when you just happen to shift a little on the seat and... Flush! Soaking wet botty time. You reach to get some loo roll... Flush! Perhaps I've got it all wrong and it's a means of ensuring that your backside is cleaned without resorting to toilet paper. Green perhaps. [If its green, you've been eating too much spinach. - Ed.]

Ahem. That is one form of needless automation.

Here's another. Have you ever been to one of those public toilets that doesn't have a sink with taps? Instead, these ultra modern cludgies have a setup where you hold your hands under a nozzle of sorts to receive soap. Then you put your hands under presumably a different nozzle, or it might be the same one, (These things are out of sight.) and water pours out. After that, the same contraption gives you a blast of warm air to dry your hands. Great... if they work. However do you mean, I hear you ask.

Sometimes, they are not so intuitive (That's a good word. Wonder what it means.). I have just this moment emerged from a loo with this type of automatic washer/dryer unit and it did not behave as it was meant to. I put my hands under for soap. Yep. Quite a quantity of soap squirted onto my hands. Then the water flowed, or should I say, trickled. Before I had managed to wash the soap off my hands, the dryer began to do its work. I now had dry hands that were still covered in soap. I know, I thought, I'll use it again, but when the soap begins to flow, I'll move my hands out of the way until the water comes. Brilliant, or what?

The answer's what, I'm afraid. [Don't be afraid. - Ed.] Firstly, the unit had to be re-primed, so to speak, a red light glowed while this process took place and I had to wait until it turned green. And wait. And wait.

Eventually, I got the green light (Do you see what I did there?) and placed my hands under the soap dispenser, then quickly withdrew them. So far, so good. I then placed my hands under the nozzle to receive water and got... soap. Bugger! That wasn't supposed to happen. What next? It only blibbing well started to re-prime itself. At this point, having decided that this blessed gadget had a mind of its own, I left, soapy hands or not.

Speaking of hand dryers, why is it that some of them only work if your hands are in the right place to trigger them into action? And why does that point have to be in a different place to the actual blower? Eh? Yes, you have to reach right under it to trigger it and then, to actually dry your hands, move them slightly towards you. The problem is that, by moving your hands thus, the blower switches off. So you reach in again to trigger it; move your hands and blibbing flip! It's gone off again. Grrr!

Another bugbear [What exactly is a bugbear? - Ed.] of mine is automatic doors. Sorry pardon excuse me what? Automatic doors. Loo doors that lock at the touch of a button. The problem there is that, if it is your first time of using a given public toilet and you are uncertain how it all works, you might think the door is locked, but it isn't really.

You can guess the outcome. You're sitting on the throne oblivious to anything apart from moving those bowels, when suddenly... Whoosh! The door slides open.

Embarrassment all round.

I have been on both sides of that particular scenario. The first was many moons ago when I was a young man... yes, I was young once... I got rather sloshed on a night out in Glasgow. So sloshed that I didn't actually remember boarding the train to head home. However, I did and it had a loo. Yay! Why yay? Because after only a few minutes into my half-hour journey homeward, the motion of the train made me feel decidedly queasy. I headed to the loo, locked the door and assumed the position of kneeling down in front of the toilet bowl, ready to call for Hughie and Ralph.

As I was performing this age-old ritual, I heard the dreaded whoosh as the door opened behind me. I turned to see a rather fierce looking woman staring at me angrily. I could also see the eyes of several passengers also fixed on me and laughing at my embarrassing predicament.

'You filthy hound,' exclaimed the severe looking woman. I just grinned meekly and got up and headed for a seat next to my friends who were laughing uproariously.

Fortunately, I was far too drunk to let this awkward moment bother me, but... oh dear... the next day.

I did what? No! Never! Oh my god! I'm never going to use the toilet on a train ever again.

And do you know what? Forty years have passed and I still haven't. Well, not if it's got an automatic locking system.

The matter that prompted me to relate this tale was a recent ferry ride across the Irish Sea. During the sail, I needed to use the toilet. After unsuccessfully attempting to force open the sliding door to access the loo, I spotted a large green button on the wall, above which was the word 'open'. I looked around sheepishly in the hope that no one had seen my attempts to manhandle an automatic door. If anyone had, they didn't let on. Once inside, the door didn't close behind me. No, I was faced with a column of different coloured buttons. The top button was labelled 'Press once and once only to close'. This I did and then I waited. And waited. Nothing happened. I was about to leave the toilet, when the door began to close, slowly. Very slowly. I felt like one of those contestants on Blankety Blank as the carousel they are sitting on slowly takes them off screen and the new contestants appear. I wondered if I was meant to wave at the passers-by as the door slid slowly to its closed position.
The next button down read 'press once and once only to lock'. I followed this instruction and heard a solid 'thunk'. I now assumed I was safely locked in.

You know what was about to happen, don't you? You think the door opened like on the train. Well, you'd be wrong. Nothing happened. I had actually locked the door correctly.

How boring is that? Ahh, there's more. As I stated earlier, this journey was across the Irish Sea and a couple or so Irish stouts had been consumed. A second visit to the loo was called for.

I reached the door and pressed the button to open the door... I'd got it sussed, now. After a few seconds, it began to slowly open to reveal a rather embarrassed-looking woman sitting on the pan desperately trying to pull her trousers up.

I thought I would help her out and, while averting my eyes, pressed the button to close the door. Once again, it didn't close immediately and, when it did eventually deign to move, it was very slowly.

I felt really sorry for the poor woman who had to sit there while the door slowly closed. I'm sure the thought of waving to passers-by never crossed her mind.

Is that it, I hear you ask. The tale of a woman's embarrassment? No. I have another tale to tell.

I am sure that you, like me, dislike having to pay to use a public toilet. Or am I just an old skinflint? Sometimes, there is nothing else for it but to stick a 50 pee coin in the slot (or pay by card as is often the case, these days). If there is a few of us in a group, we cheat a wee bit and hold the door open for the next person. [Ooh, you are so naughty. - Ed.]

Well, here is a case when it is not so wise to hold the door open for somebody in order to save them 50 pees. And it combines pay toilets and automatic toilets... the dreaded super loo.

Having used one of these for the first, and probably last, time recently, I thoughtfully held the door open for the next user; a lady I didn't know, incidentally.

She cheerily accepted my display of courtesy and entered the super loo.

As I walked away, I heard screams emanating from within. The lady, now not looking so cheery, emerged from the loo wringing wet from the waist down.
After apologising profusely, I realised the mistake I had made. This is super loo, remember. [And? - Ed.] And super loos self-clean after each user. This process is triggered when the door closes. The lady I had 'helped' was treated to a blast of cold water spraying from all directions when she closed the door.

My advice to anyone out there in gramblerland... if you need to use a public toilet and it has any sign of automation... cross your legs.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 2nd of November? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Reginald Beckwith 1908 - Actor. One of those faces that cropped up in a lot of British films in the 1950s, especially ones made by the Ealing Studios. Played Lt. H. R. Bowers in Scott of the Antarctic.

Hazel Douglas 1923 - Actress. She worked with Brian Rix in his Whitehall farces for many years. Later played Nagini (disguised as Bathilda Bagshot) in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1.

Nadia Cattouse 1924 - Actress, singer and songwriter. A clip? No probs. Here’s Long Time Boy.

Peter Hope 1930 - Composer and arranger. Here’s a piece he wrote, The Jaunting Car (Ring of Kerry).. According to the blurb associated with the link, it was used during some of the TV test card showings; something only those of a certain age will remember.

Terry Richards 1932 - Actor and stuntman. Remember that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones is confronted by the Arabian swordsman? That was Terry.

Peter Seabrook 1935 - TV gardener.

Desmond Hammill 1936 - Television news reporter.

Bruce Welch 1941 - Musician. A Shadow. Would you like a clip? Why not. Here’s F. B. I.  Bruce is the one on the left.

Jimmy Bilsbury 1942 - Who? He was a singer and songwriter. You may not know his name, but you might remember this song wot he wrote, Belfast.

Kevin Hector 1944 - Footy bloke. He played in the first ever game of football I was taken to as a nipper... I was the nipper, not him.

Keith Emerson 1944 - Musician. Here’s something you might recognise, Fanfare for the Common Man.

Mick Jackson 1947 - Musician. He penned this, his only record to make top 20, Blame it on the Boogie.  Ah, the late 70s when men thought having permed hair made you look cool.  This record caused a lot of confusion when it was issued, mainly because it was also released by The Jacksons and featured a certain (other) Michael Jackson.

Dave Pegg 1947 - Musician. He is a member of Fairport Convention, is a past member of Jethro Tull and has worked with many other artists. A clip? What’s it going to be? [Jethro Tull, because it always is, if you get the sniff of a chance to shoehorn one of their songs in. - Ed.] Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s this, Northern Sky.  Dave Pegg played bass on that track. Incidentally, you might be interested to know that John Cale played most of the other instruments on it.

Philip Hayton 1947 - Newsreader.

Frankie Miller 1949 - Singer. Have another wee clip. Here’s the song that makes every emigrant Scot homesick, Caledonia.

Maxine Nightingale 1952 - Singer. Here’s her biggest hit, Right Back Where We Started From.

Peter Mullan 1959 - Actor and film-maker. Jacob Snell in Ozark.

Paul ‘Smudger’ Smith 1962 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Derek Mountfield 1962 - Footy bloke.

Peter Amory 1964 - Actor. Chris Tate in Emmerdale.

Steve Redmond 1967 - Footy bloke.

Steve Edge 1972 - Actor and writer. Billy Dawson in Benidorm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Maxine Gramblingale,

It was wonderful to hear your hit record, Right Back Where We Started From which, I believe was your most successful record in the UK. I have a question for you: Did you ever have a number one record anywhere in the world, say, Canada?

Yours mapleleafily,

Lee De Mion.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Lordbakes fare? Not too well. We did win. Sort of. We got 62 pees back from our £2.20 stake. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

Aston Villa vs Bournemouth - Home win

Result - Aston Villa 1 Bournemouth 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Bournemouth striker Evanilson scored with the last touch of the game to rescue a point at Aston Villa. Boo!

The Cherries were given a free-kick six minutes into stoppage time and, with everybody including the goalkeeper forward, Marcus Tavernier found an unmarked Evanilson at the near post who flicked a header into the far corner.

Villa had been the better side and went ahead in the 76th minute when Ross Barkley hooked in Leon Bailey's header back across goal.

Earlier, John McGinn had a strike ruled out in the 28th minute after a long video assistant referee (VAR) review.

McGinn converted Ollie Watkins' cutback, but it was ruled that the ball had narrowly rolled out of play for a Bournemouth goal-kick just before Watkins gathered possession.

 

Brentford vs Ipswich - Home win

Result -Brentford 4 Ipswich 3

Yay! Or should be phew!

Bryan Mbeumo scored a 96th-minute winner as Brentford beat Ipswich Town in a seven-goal thriller.

Mbeumo's left-footed cross into the box evaded everyone and nestled into the bottom corner.

Substitute Liam Delap scored to make it 3-3 with four minutes remaining as he met Leif Davis' cross and produced a delicate flicked finish past Brentford goalkeeper Mark Flekken.

Brentford came from two goals down and looked set for victory as Harry Clarke was sent off for the away side having picked up two yellow cards.

Two goals in three minutes from Sam Szmodics and George Hirst had given the Tractor Boys hope of their first victory since returning to the division.

Kalvin Phillips' threaded pass found Hirst who passed to Szmodics and the Ireland forward finished from 15 yards out.

Hirst then fired across Flekken as Ipswich took control.

However, their lead was wiped out before the break thanks to Yoane Wissa's 44th minute goal and an unfortunate Clarke own goal in the space of two minutes.

Wissa found the back of the net from Vitaly Janelt's cross and then got a shot away from a tight angle with Clarke getting the final touch and sending the ball into his own net.

Clarke brought down Keane Lewis-Potter in the box six minutes after the restart, earning his first booking, and Bryan Mbeumo scored the resulting penalty to make it 3-2 to the home side.

Clarke then fouled Lewis-Potter in the 69th minute as Ipswich were reduced to 10 men.

Delap scored to level matters, but Mbeumo's late strike gave Brentford the points.

Incredibly, the away side almost rescued a point when Delap crashed an effort off the post with seconds left to play.

 

Brighton vs Wolves - Home win

Result - Brighton 2 Wolves 2

Ooh! ’It the bar again!

The home side looked to be coasting to three points after substitute Evan Ferguson made it 2-0 in the 85th minute after in-form Danny Welbeck had opened the scoring at the end of the first half.

But Rayan Ait-Nouri reduced the deficit in the 88th minute before Brazil forward Matheus Cunha capped an impressive performance with a deflected shot which went in off the underside of the bar in the 93rd minute.

The equaliser came moments after Brighton somehow messed up a four-on-one situation as they searched for a third goal.

It allowed Wolves to break up the other end through Tommy Doyle who produced the pass for Cunha's late finish.

 

Bristol City vs Leeds - Away win

Result - Bristol City 0 Leeds 0

Ooh! ’It the bar yet again!

Bristol City made a bright start, but it took two saves from Max O’Leary to deny Willy Gnonto and Dan James from giving Leeds a half-time advantage.

And when O’Leary was beaten after the interval by Gnonto, Zak Vyner was back in support to clear off the line as the hosts stubbornly held on for a point.

[Two sentences. That must have been a really exciting game. - Ed.]

 

Sheffield Utd. vs Stoke - Home win

Result - Sheffield Utd. 2 Stoke 0

Yay!

Goals from Kieffer Moore and Tyrese Campbell sealed the win for the Blades

United opened the scoring after 14 minutes when Moore directed Alfie Gilchrist’s fizzing low drive into the net.

Junior Tchamadeu then collected Million Manhoef’s pass during a rare surge forward but his left-footed shot was comfortably saved by Michael Cooper at his near post.

Cooper’s opposite number, Viktor Johansson, then tipped away Vinicius Souza’s powerful strike.

Moore almost netted again but he was only able to send his diving header over the bar following Harrison Burrows' centre from the left.

In an often niggly affair which produced six yellow cards, United sealed the victory five minutes after half-time.

Harry Souttar’s forward pass was not dealt with by Stoke captain Ben Gibson, whose slip allowed Jesurun Rak-Sakyi to find Campbell who scored.

Ashley Phillips was inches away from halving the deficit on the hour mark but he was unable to direct his effort on target following a scramble in the penalty area.

With 13 minutes remaining, Stoke substitute Bae Jun-Ho found Lewis Koumas but he could only fire wide at the near post - and with that the visitors' final opportunity to get back into the match had gone.

Okay, not a good week; only two spot on and three near misses. Can The Grambler do better this week? Let’s see...

Game - Result - Odds

Middlesbrough vs Coventry City - Home win - 3/4

Q.P.R. vs Sunderland - Away win - 11/10

Sheffield Wed. vs Watford - Home win - Evens

St. Mirren vs Ross County - Home win - 10/11

Livingston vs Queens Park - Home win - 10/11

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.80

Now, that is whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Terrassa, Spain in 1998. An attacking midfielder, I began my senior career Dinamo Zagreb before moving to RB Leipzig. In August 2024, I returned to my youth career club, Barcelona, for a transfer fee of €60 million. I have been capped for Spain 40 times.

Answer - Dani Olmo

2. Which current Premier League player has scored the most goals?

Answer - Mo Salah (for the moment)

3. ...But what about those players who make the ‘assist’? Here’s the question: which current Premier League player is credited with the most assists?

Answer - Kevin De Bruyne

4. Who is the current captain of Everton?

Answer - Séamus Coleman

5. Which club plays its home games at Gayfield Park?

Answer - Arbroath

Shall we have some for this week? Yes, let’s...

1. Who am I?

I was born in São Gonçalo, Rio de Janeiro in 2000. A forward, I began my senior career at Flamengo before being transferred to my present club, Real Madrid, a week after my 18th birthday for €46 million. I have been capped for my country 35 times. I recently scored a hat-trick in the 5-2 game against Borussia Dortmund.

2. Who won this year’s Ballon d’Or?

3. Which is the only Premier League side yet to concede or be awarded a penalty in the 2024-25 season so far?

4. Who is the current captain of Celtic?

5. Why is St Johnstone unique in both the Scottish and English senior leagues?

There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...

£79,534

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. G. B. Shaw who passed away on this date in 1950. Why, you may ask, am I including George Bernard Shaw in this week’s edition of your favourite ill-informed blog? The reason is simple: like that other great Irish writer, Oscar Wilde, Shaw is eminently quotable. Here are some that might make you think.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

Youth is wasted on the young.

The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!

Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.

To Winston Churchill - I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one.

Churchill’s response - Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.

Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it.

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

The most tragic thing in the world is a man of genius who is not a man of honor.

Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. 

You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race.

No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means.

 

Wise words there, mate. And, finally, not a quote, but it sums up the man...

While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."
He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.”

 

A young G.B.S.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 25 October 2024

Post 515 - Return of the gramblerplan

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story Time

A week or two back, the government announced that it was going to offer obese people a drug that would help them lose weight. The thinking is that, by losing weight, those lazy bas... people who might otherwise be sat on their backsides all day will suddenly feel great about themselves and immediately go out and seek employment. Aye, right, sure.

Will it work? Time will tell.

The only way to lose weight is to be in the right frame of mind to do it and also to follow the, though I say it myself, best diet regime known to man: the gramblerplan diet. You know it makes sense.

Yes, the good old gramblerplan diet. The diet that really works, you may recall. Yes, it is the simplest of all diets with the simplest way of losing weight.

How so, I hear sceptics mutter. You simply eat less and exercise more.

Mrs G was inadvertently on the gramblerplan diet throughout the period of the pandemic. Remember that? I say inadvertently, because she actually hadn't adjusted her intake of food. What she had done was exercise more. She took up walking. Yes, I know that isn't anything special. Many people are capable of walking. However, she was taking walks of up to seven miles at a time.

There you are. Proof that the diet works, even if you only do half of it.
Is it possible to diet without taking exercise, I hear you lazy so and sos ask. Well it is, but it isn't really very suitable if you have any family, friends or any kind of social life that might involve food.

This doesn't make sense, I hear you say. [I'd see somebody about all these voices you're hearing. - Ed.] It doesn't, until you take into account the special secret ingredient... timing. Let me explain. Years ago, a doctor said to me that you should breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and supper like a pauper.

Behind the rather flowery language was a simple message: consume the most food as your first meal so that, as the day progresses, you will burn up the calories. When it is lunchtime, eat less and for your evening meal consume even less. All very sensible.

As I said, I was given this nugget of information many years ago, but, very recently, there was an article in a national newspaper which postulated (That's a good word. Wonder what it means. Post? Ulay? That's hand cream, isn't it? Ted? Edward? Mail hand cream to Edward? That can't be right.) that dieticians had come up with a revolutionary new diet technique. You should eat half your allowable calories for breakfast, two thirds of the remaining calories for lunch with the rest being reserved for your evening meal. Revolutionary? Don't think so, mate. King, prince, pauper doc had it sussed years ago.

Why, you may ask, is this idea not very good if you have friends, family or a social life? Think about it. If you wanted to go out for a meal, when would you go to get a decent menu? The evening. If you wanted a decent sized meal for breakfast, what is the choice offered by most eating places? (I nearly said restaurants, but such establishments tend to not open their doors until later in the day.) A fry up, that's what. The most unhealthy and unsuitable food for anyone, not just those on a diet. Anything else on offer tends to be smallish dishes such as beans on toast or cereals.

Maybe, I've spotted a gap in the market. Hmm... I could start a restaurant that opens early in the day so that people who wish to eat healthily at the correct time can have a decent choice.

Brilliant idea... Dear Mr or Mrs Dragon's Den.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 26th of October? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Hugh Scanlon 1913 - Trade union leader.

Shaw Taylor 1924 - TV presenter.

 

Keep ‘em peeled... That's eyes, not oranges.


Charlie Landsborough 1941 - Musician. Shall we have a clip? Yes, why not.  Here's What Colour is The Wind.

Bob Hoskins 1942 - Actor. Dobbs in Thick as Thieves.

Philip Sayer 1946 - Actor. Ramsey in Floodtide.

Keith Hopwood 1946 - Musician. A Hermit. I feel another clip is in order. Here’s Silhouettes.

Maurice Gran 1949 - Writer. With Laurence Marks, he wrote such gems as Holding the Fort, Shine On Harvey Moon, The New Statesman and Birds of a Feather.

Andrew Motion 1952 - Poet.

Arthur Graham 1952 - Fitba guy.

Roger Allam 1953 - Actor. Fred Thursday in Endeavour.

Hugh Dallas 1957 - Fitba ref.

Julie Dawn Cole 1957 - Actress. Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory.

Brian Bovell 1959 - Actor. Leo Valentine in Hollyoaks.

Julius O’Riordan aka Judge Jules 1966 - DJ. Would you like a clip? [No. - Ed.] Well, you’re getting one. Here’s Turn On The Lights.

Audley Harrison 1971 - Boxery bloke.

Austin Healey 1973 - Rugby bloke whose parents had a sense of humour.

Stephanie Waring 1978 - Actress. Cindy Cunningham/Savage/Hutchinson in Hollyoaks and Hollyoaks Later.

James Fowler 1980 - Fitba guy.

Nicola Adams 1982 - Boxery bloke.

Matthew Hudson-Smith 1994 - Athleticky bloke.

Ruby O’Donnell 2000 - Actress. Peri Lomax in Hollyoaks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Keith Gramblewood,

It was so nice to the song Silhouettes from your little band Herman the Hermit. I understand you were very popular ‘Down Under’. Did you ever have a number one record in New Zealand, for example?

Your sentimental friend,

Amos Tua-Void.

P.S. Who is that lady at the end?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Borldakes fare? It didn’t, because we didn’t have a bet last week. Do you remember? It was late being published. Do you not recall? You must have forgotten. Yes. Look, here’s your carer with a cup of tea.

So, what has The Grambler come up with, this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Bournemouth - Home win - 17/20

Brentford vs Ipswich - Home win - 7/10

Brighton vs Wolves - Home win - 4/7

Bristol City vs Leeds - Away win - 17/20

Sheffield Utd. vs Stoke - Home win - 4/5

 

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£9.42

Sorry, that is definitely not whopping.


.....oooOooo.....


Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1934 in Edinburgh. I played as a left half/sweeper and played over 600 games in a senior career lasting almost 20 years. I began at Hearts before moving to Tottenham Hotspur where I was known as ‘the heartbeat’ of the double winning team of 1961. When I was 33, I was transferred to Derby County, helping them win promotion to the First Division. I ended my playing career as player/manager at Swindon Town. I moved on to manage, among others, Nottingham Forest, Derby County, Walsall, Doncaster Rovers and Birmingham City. I was also capped for Scotland 22 times.

Answer - Dave Mackay

2. Which Chilean has scored the most goals in the Premier League?

Answer - Alexis Sánchez (63)

3. Who is the current captain of Aston Villa?

Answer - John McGinn

4. Who is the current Brighton & Hove Albion manager?

Answer - Fabian Hürzeler

5. Which team plays its home games at the Brick Community Stadium?

Answer - Wigan Athletic

Shall we have a few for this week? Indeed we shall.

1. Who am I ?

I was born in Terrassa, Spain in 1998. An attacking midfielder, I began my senior career Dinamo Zagreb before moving to RB Leipzig. In August 2024, I returned to my youth career club, Barcelona, for a transfer fee of €60 million. I have been capped for Spain 40 times.

2. Which current Premier League player has scored the most goals?

3. ...But what about those players who make the ‘assist’? Here’s the question: which current Premier League player is credited with the most assists?

4. Who is the current captain of Everton?

5. Which club plays its home games at Gayfield Park?

There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...

£79,374

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to Messrs. M. Gran and L. Marks, scriptwriters supreme. For this week’s finishing item I give you a full episode of, in my opinion, their finest comedic work, The New Statesman. My high opinion of the show may, of course, also be due to the brilliant performance of Rik Mayall. So, ladeez and genellum, please enjoy the very first episode, Happiness is a Warm Gun.

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Sunday 20 October 2024

Post 514 - A grambling clubcard

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

 

Story Time

What has caught my ire this week? Club cards, that's what. And I don't mean the annoying geysers down the tennis/bowls/golf club who think they are amusing. No I'm talking supermarkets and specifically those that have a club card scheme.

The way these operate is basically to charge those that have signed up to the scheme a reasonable price for the goods on sale but an extortionate price for those poor misguided individuals who haven't realised that they are being ripped off by not joining in.

The supermarkets that use the club card method of extracting cash from innocent shoppers try to sweeten the pill by suggesting that the higher price being quoted on the price ticket is the standard and that the lower price being charged to card holders is a special reduced price. Bollocks, says I.  The lower price is the one that any other supermarket would charge. Foul, I cry. [Please stop crying. Nothing worse than a grown man in tears. - Ed.] The higher price is sometimes over 50% more than the so-called club card price. That is just a complete rip-off, I reckon. I would even suggest that it is just ever so slightly illegal.

A bigger problem is that having a club card doesn't actually mean having a club card. Sorry pardon excuse me?

To explain, club card holders actually use an app on their smart phone. [Yes. And your point is? - Ed.] My point is that when you are waiting to pay for your goods, there is always some tw*t at the front of the queue holding everyone up because he can't find the app on his phone.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make, I am that tw*t.

In my defence, I find that most supermarkets are not suited to mobile phone use. Generally, it is impossible to get a signal in the store so how the fu... how am I meant to get into my club card app?

Why don't you open the app before entering the shop, I hear you ask. A good point. A fair point. I would do that... if only I remembered about the damn thing before I reached the check out and then it's too late.

I have come up with my own simple solution to solve the problem and it is this: there is a certain other supermarket that also has a card scheme but there is none of this two prices lark... Mind you, I’m not sure what benefits having the card will get you. No matter. Until that store starts the same underhand trick with its pricing, that is the shop I will be using. Which store is that, I hear you ask. I couldn’t possibly tell you; that would be advertising. But you know what they say... every lidl helps.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 28th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Thomas Crapper 1836 - Plumber. Inventor of the floating ballcock. An early example of nominative determinism. [Oooh! Hark at her with the big words! Nomi... what? - Ed.] It means somebody whose profession is suggested by their name. Crapper? He worked with toilets. Nominative determinism. Geddit?

Peter Finch 1916 - Actor. Howard Beale in Network.

Ida Schuster 1918 - Jobbing actress. Seemed to work on most Scottish-produced dramas in the 60s and 70s, often playing several characters over a series. She played three different characters over six episodes of Doctor Finlay’s Casebook.

Jeremy Isaacs 1932 - TV executive.

Renny Lister 1932 - Actress. Doreen Bowler in Bowler. Mrs Kenneth Cope.

Janet Munro 1934 - Actress. Roberta in Swiss Family Robinson.

Heather Sears 1935 - Actress. Helen Lambert in Informer.

Ronald Lacey 1935 - Actor. The Bishop of Bath and Wells in Blackadder II. 172 credits on IMDb.

Peter Brookes 1943 - Cartoonist.

Helen Shapiro 1946 - Singer. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Tell Me What He Said.

Peter Egan 1946 - Actor. Magnus Pym in A Perfect Spy.

Jon Snow 1947 - Journalist and TV presenter.

Brian Keenan 1950 - Writer who spent four and a half years as a hostage in Beirut.

Jim Diamond 1950 - Singer. Another clip? Why not.  Here he is with Remember I Love You.

Andy Ward 1952 - Musician. One-time drummer with a favourite band of mine, Camel. A clip? Darn tooting. Here’s One of These Days I'll get an Early Night.

Roland Rivron 1958 - Comedian, writer and TV personality.

Gillian McKeith 1959 - TV personality and writer. Not a doctor.

Peter Hooton 1962 - Vocalist with The Farm. Would you like another clip? Of course you would. Here’s Groovy Train.

Paul Jewell 1964 - Footy bloke.

Gilles Peterson 1964 - Broadcaster, DJ and record label owner.

Andrew Agnew 1974 - Actor and singer. PC Plum in Balamory.

John Finnemore 1977 - Comedian.

Steven McGarry 1979 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Hmm... Not many there. What about the 5th of October?

Robin Bailey 1919 - Actor. Uncle Mort in I Didn’t Know You Cared.

Robert Kee 1919 - Journalist and TV presenter.

Donald Pleasance 1919 - Actor. Blofeld in You Only Live Twice. 245 credits on IMDb. Take that, Lacey!

Ronald Leigh-Hunt 1920 - Actor. King Arthur in The Adventures of Sir Lancelot. A piddling 154 credits on IMDb.

John ‘Jock’ Stein 1922 - Fitba guy.

Glynis Johns 1923 - Actress. Mrs Banks in Mary Poppins.

Malcolm Lockyer 1923 - Film music composer and conductor. Here’s one of his, Ten Little Indians.

Barbara Kelly 1924 - TV and radio personality often appearing on shows alongside husband Bernard Braden.

Fred Feast 1929 - Actor. Fred Gee in Coronation Street.

Stephanie Cole 1941 - Actress. Mrs Delphine Featherstone in Open All Hours and Still Open All Hours.

Michael Morpurgo 1943 - Writer. War Horse, that was one of his.

Mike Sutton 1944 - Footy bloke.

Brian Connolly 1945 - Singer. Frontman of The Sweet. A clip? But of course. Here’s a song that failed to chart in the UK but reached number 4 in Oz, Peppermint Twist.

Brian Jacks 1946 - Judo bloke.

Brian Johnson 1947 - Singer. Famous as AC/DC’s frontman, but he had a successful career long before that as Geordie’s singer. Have a clip. Here’s Don't Do That.

Peter Ackroyd 1949 - Novelist, biographer and critic.

‘Fast’ Eddie Clarke 1950 - Musician. He was the drummer with Motörhead. Have another clip, but not that one. Here’s The One to Sing The Blues.

Lee Brilleaux 1952 - Musician and singer. Frontman of Dr. Feelgood. I feel another clip coming on. Here’s She's a Windup.

Phil Cornwell 1957 - Actor, comedian, impressionist and writer. He also provides the voice of Murdoc Niccals, the bassist with Gorillaz.

Haydn Gwynne 1957 - Actress. Alex Pates in Drop the Dead Donkey.

Lee Thompson 1957 - Musician. Saxophonist with Madness. Shall we have another clip? You betya. Here is Nutty Theme.

Pato Banton 1961 - Reggae singer. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Bubbling Hot.

Caron Keating 1962 - TV presenter.

Nick Robinson 1963 - Journalist and broadcaster.

Laura Davies 1963 - Golfy bloke.

Kate Winslett 1975 - Actress. Rose DeWitt Bukater in Titanic.

Parminder Nagra 1975 - Actress. Neela Rasgotra in ER.

Greig Denham 1976 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Kele Le Roc 1977 - Singer. Time for another clip. Here’s Little Bit of Lovin'.

Nicola Roberts 1985 - A Girl Aloud. What? Another clip? You are so demanding. Here’s a solo effort from Nic, Beat of My Drum.

Now then, anyone from the 12th of October? Of course there are...

Edward VI 1537 - The well-known king.

Ramsay MacDonald 1866 - The well-known Prime Minister.

Ralph Vaughan Williams 1872 - Composer. Many of his works were arrangements of old tunes, but here is one he definitely did compose, The Wasps (Overture).

Aleister Crowley 1875 - Occultist, ceremonial magician, poet, philosopher, political theorist, novelist and... wait for it... mountaineer. In fact, a right old chuffing balmpot.

Ralph Butler 1886 - Songwriter. He was the lyricist for this old favourite, The Sun Has Got His Hat On. Those lyrics are certainly not acceptable nowadays.

Kenneth Griffith 1920 - Actor. Isaac in The Perils of Pendragon.

Magnus Magnusson 1929 - TV presenter.

Don Howe 1935 - Footy bloke.

James Dewar 1942 - Musician. Bassist with Stone the Crows and later bassist and singer with the Robin Trower Band. Another clip? But of course. Here’s Bridge of Sighs.

Angela Rippon 1944 - TV presenter.

Rick Parfitt 1948 - Musician. A bit of Status Quo. Another clip coming up. Here’s an early one, Black Veils of Melancholy.

Robin Askwith 1950 - Actor. Timothy Lee in four ‘Confessions’ comedy porn films made in the mid 1970s.

David Threlfall 1953 - Actor. Most famous as Frank Gallagher in 139 episodes of Shameless.

Les Dennis 1953 - Impressionist turned actor.

Aggie MacKenzie 1955 - Cleaning lady.

Dave Vanian 1956 - Singer with The Damned. Hey, let’s have another clip. Here’s Smash It Up.

Andrew Schofield 1958 - Actor. Johnny Rotten in Sid and Nancy.

Paul Goddard 1959 - Footy bloke.

Rhona Martin 1966 - Curlingy guy.

Stephen Lee 1974 - Snookery bloke.

Ledley King 1980 - Footy bloke.

Shola Ameobi 1981 - Footy bloke.

Brian Kerr 1981 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Carlton Cole 1983 - Footy bloke.

Katie Piper 1983 - Writer, activist and TV presenter.

Sammy Winward 1985 - Actress. Katie Sugden in Emmerdale.

Liam Polworth 1994 - Fitba guy. Guess what... Ex-Motherwell.


Now, what’s next? Oh yes, the 19th of October.

Alan Keith 1908 - Broadcaster. David Kossoff’s big brother.

Stephen Ward 1912 - Osteopath. Aye, sure. One of the central figures in what became known as the Profumo affair.

Rosamund John 1913 - Ectress. Diana Mitchell in The First of the Few. I can give you a clip. Sorry pardon excuse me? Here are Public Service Broadcasting with Spitfire.  Why, it is like a bird.

Leslie Randall 1924 - Actor. Danny Boon in Billy Liar.

Bernard Hepton 1925 - Actor and theatre director. Toby Esterhase in Smiley’s People.

David Cornwell, better known as John le Carré 1931 - Orfer. Wrote Smiley’s People. Well, would you Adam and Eve it?

Michael Gambon aka The Great Gambon 1940 - Actor and raconteur. Philip Marlow in The Singing Detective.

Desmond Barrit 1944 - Actor. Last seen as Timothy Mottram in It’s a Sin.

Michael Reid 1946 - Songwriter. As well as writing all the lyrics for Procul Harum songs, he co-wrote this rather well-known toon.

Philip Pullman 1946 - Orfer. Wrote His Dark Materials.

George Fenton 1949 - Composer. Here’s something of his you might recall, The Blue Planet.

Ken Stott 1954 - Actor. John Rebus in Rebus. Other actors have played the part since, but Ken Stott was arguably the best.

Sam Allardyce 1954 - Footy bloke. The go-to manager for struggling clubs needing to get out of trouble. In a lengthy career he has managed (deep breath) Limerick, Preston North End, Blackpool, Notts County, Bolton Wanderers, Newcastle United, Blackburn Rovers, West Ham United, Sunderland, Engerland, Crystal Palace, Everton, West Bromwich Albion and Leeds United.

Karl Wallinger 1957 - Musician. Keyboard player with The Waterboys and his later, solo project, World Party. A clip? But, of course. Here’s Ship of Fools. 

Dan ‘Woody’ Woodgate 1960 - Musician. He is the drummer for Madness. Here’s a track he wrote for the band’s latest album, Theatre of the Absurd Presents C’est la Vie, Round We Go.

Albert Kidd 1961 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell you know.

Sinitta 1963 - Singer. Have a clip. Here’s Right Back Where We Started From.

Kacey Ainsworth 1968 - Actress. Cathy Keating in Grantchester.

Caroline Catz 1970 - Actress. Louisa Glasson in Doc Martin.

Ian Ball 1975 - Musician. Most notable for being the frontman for Gomez. Let’s have another clip. Here’s Rhythm & Blues Alibi.

Paul Hartley 1976 - Fitba guy.

Daniel Goodfellow 1996 - Divey bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Rick Gramblefitt,

So nice to hear an old song from your little beat combo, Quo Vadis or something. Tell me, did you chaps ever have a record that reached number one in the recordings chart?

Yours melancholily,

Dan Down.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did our last bet with Dorblakes fare? We won. Really. We actually made a profit. Yay! We got £3.34 back from our £2.20. Woo hoo! What happened? Read on...

 

Aston Villa vs Wolves - Home win

Result - Aston Villa 3 Wolves 1

Yay!

Aston Villa scored two late goals as a frantic finish helped them beat rivals Wolves at Villa Park.

Wolves had been the better side in the first half and took the lead in the 25th minute through Matheus Cunha after the winger had intercepted Diego Carlos' sloppy pass.

But the home side woke up in the 73rd minute when striker Ollie Watkins was played in by Morgan Rogers and equalised with a deflected effort.

Defender Ezri Konsa completed Villa's turnaround in the 88th minute, meeting Youri Tielemans' superb cross with a sliding finish.

The home side rounded off their win on the break, as substitute Jhon Duran scored his fourth goal of the season deep into injury time by tapping in a Rogers pass across goal.

 

Southampton vs Ipswich - Home win

Result - Southampton 1 Ipswich 1

Ooh! ’It the woodwork!

In the fifth minute of play, Ipswich's Axel Tuanzebe lost possession inside his penalty area and Southampton kept the ball well, with 36-year-old Adam Lallana setting up 18-year-old Tyler Dibling, and the teenager calmly slotted past Arijanet Muric.

[I say, I say, I say. Do you like Tyler Dibling? I don’t know; I’ve never dibled a tiler. Boom, and indeed, tish. - Ed.] Hmm... Don’t call us, etc..

Cameron Archer almost doubled the Saints' lead, but hit the post.

Archer had another chance when played in by midfielder Flynn Downes, but Muric saved well.

But that miss proved costly as Sam Morsy, in the 95th minute, shot past Aaron Ramsdale from outside the penalty area, with the effort taking a deflection off the unfortunate Joe Aribo.

 

Burnley vs Portsmouth - Home win

Result - Burnley 2 Portsmouth 1

Yay!

Josh Brownhill’s 94th-minute winner after Jeremy Sarmiento’s wonder goal gave Burnley a dramatic Championship victory against Portsmouth.

The Clarets had laboured to break down a well-organised and determined Pompey.

Callum Lang gave Portsmouth a first-half lead after Connor Ogilvie had hit the post.

The arrival of Ecuador winger Sarmiento changed the dynamic and within two minutes he had curled in a lovely leveller, with Brownhill drilling in his third goal of the campaign in the fourth minute of added time.

Bristol City vs Oxford - Home win

Result - Bristol City 2 Oxford 1

Yay!

The U's took the lead through Ruben Rodrigues in the first half and went into the break with the one-goal advantage.

Sinclair Armstrong levelled the scores 12 minutes into the second half and Nahki Wells scored from the penalty spot to wrap up the three points for the Robins.

[That was a short review. - Ed.] That’s because nobody reads this bit; especially after three weeks have passed. [So nobody will have seen my brilliant joke. - Ed.] Nope. Sorry.

 

Luton vs Sheffield Wednesday - Home win

Result - Luton 2 Sheffield Wednesday 1

Yay!

Wednesday barely deserved to be on the losing side after bossing the first half. They began brightly at Kenilworth Road against the Hatters.

Barry Bannan was everywhere, half-volleying the first chance over the bar, sending Michael Smith clear for a shot well saved by Thomas Kaminski and then crossing for Josh Windass, who was also denied by the goalkeeper’s leg.

Luton showed signs of waking up before half-time as a Mark McGuinness header forced James Beadle to tip the ball over the bar.

It was not a great surprise, however, when Wednesday - for whom Akin Famewo had been a rock in defence - took the lead seven minutes after the re-start.

Yan Valery raced down the right and crossed for Bannan to show superb technique by volleying it past Kaminski.

Luton responded, and manager Rob Edwards made a triple substitution on the hour mark, sending on Tom Krauss, Zack Nelson and Carlton Morris.

It paid off as Di’Shon Bernard was judged to have handled. He was shown a red card and referee Gavin Ward pointed to the spot, from where Morris slotted in the equaliser.

Wednesday were still not giving up on the win as Windass had a low shot saved by Kaminski but Morris pounced with two minutes left to secure the points.


Well, what about this week?  Since this is so late in being published, let's not bother.  All right?  Not arf.


.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Hounslow, England in 2000. A central midfielder, I began my senior career at Fulham before moving to Milton Keynes Dons. I then moved to Celtic and have recently been signed by Brighton and Hove Albion. Although I played in the English U16 and U18 teams, I now play for Denmark.

Answer - Matt O’Riley

2. What is New Zealander, Meikayla Moore’s unfortunate claim to fame?

Answer - She scored a perfect hat-trick of own goals against USA.

3. Who is the current Wales national side’s coach?

Answer - Craig Bellamy

4. Which three Premier League players have received a red card during the current season?

Answer - Declan Rice, Ashley Young and Fabian Schär were the answers at the time of asking the question. However, they have since been joined by Jack Stephens, James Ward-Prowse, Morgan Gibbs-White, Bruno Fernandes and Leandro Trossard.

5. Which club plays its home games at Meadowbank Stadium?

Answer - Edinburgh City

Let’s have five for this week.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1934 [Ooh, an oldie. - Ed.] in Edinburgh. I played as a left half/sweeper and played over 600 games in a senior career lasting almost 20 years. I began at Hearts before moving to Tottenham Hotspur where I was known as ‘the heartbeat’ of the double winning team of 1961. When I was 33, I was transferred to Derby County, helping them win promotion to the First Division. I ended my playing career as player/manager at Swindon Town. I moved on to manage, among others, Nottingham Forest, Derby County, Walsall, Doncaster Rovers and Birmingham City. I was also capped for Scotland 22 times.

2. Which Chilean has scored the most goals in the Premier League?

3. Who is the current captain of Aston Villa?

4. Who is the current Brighton & Hove Albion manager?

5. Which team plays its home games at the Brick Community Stadium? [I didn’t know there was such a thing as a brick community. - Ed.]

There you have it. Have fun trying to work that lot out. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).  Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount quoted is miles out of date. The total raised for the Bobby Moore Fund now stands at...

£79,374

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. R. Lacey who furnishes us with this week's finisher.  Actor, Ronald Lacey played some memorable characters in his all too short career (He died aged just 55.) such as Arnold Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark and teddy-boy, Harris in Porridge.  However, I believe his greatest performance was in Blackadder II as the loathsome Bishop of Bath and Wells, as mentioned in the birthday honours, and I have found a little clip which ought to amuse you.

 

A rather different looking Ronald Lacey

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.