Saturday, 17 September 2022

Post 459 - Swim, grambler, swim

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] ahem... talking in a local accent was frowned upon. Us schoolkids were discouraged from using Glaswegian expressions. We actually used to have a period each week with an elocution teacher. I can picture her now, an older woman with blue rinsed hair and far too much makeup. Her name was Mrs Gerber and she was trying to get us to talk correctly. Well, her version of correctly. She would make us say the words, 'swim, swan, swim'. Her pronunciation was something like 'sweem, swan, sweem'. Our pronunciation was more like 'swum, swan, swum'. Broad Glaswegian. She asked me to say it and, had I used my own accent, I would have said swim, swan, swim, because I didn't talk with a Glaswegian twang, but for her benefit, I adopted one and joined everybody else by saying 'swum, swan, swum'. She left us with a shake of her blue rinsed hairdo obviously believing us to be a lost cause.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it seems that, these days, with regional accents disappearing, local ways of talking are positively encouraged. I thought, why not. So, sweem, swan, sweem...

Is it a wee story yiz are waanting? Here's a good yin fur yeez.

There's this wee duck, right? A right ugly wee cu... thing he wiz. And he'd loast his maw. Aw the other ducks used to chin him aboot it...

'Haw you! Aye you. Ugly guy. Where's yer maw went? Hiz she ran aff and abandoned ye? Nae wunner, ya ugly wee bas... duck.'

Well, thon wee duck wiz feeling bad enough aboot losing his maw; noo he felt a hunner times worse, see? He didnae realise he was such an ugly wee cu... bas... duckling.

'Why me?' He'd say. 'Why am I such an ugly wee cu... duck?'
So he decides to leave...

And aw the ither ducks went, 'Aye f*** off, ya ugly wee...'
But he'd already went.

So aff he goes, intae the rough grun near a big loch, an he jist sties there aw winter. Well, come spring he thinks tae hisself, sod this fur a gemme o sujjers, I'm getting oot o here. I'm away back hame.

Well, nae sooner had he goat back, than he meets wan o the ducks that had been gien him a hard time.

'Well, hullawrerr, handsome.'

'Aye, right. Stoap taking the pish.'

'Naw. Nae kidding. You're a stoatin' looking swan.'

'Whit? I'm no a duck? Get tae f***.’

'If ye don't believe us, away an look in the watter.'

'Aye, ye're right enough. Ah'm ur a swan. F*** me!'

Err ye go, eh. A happy ending fur the wee guy. Mind you, I'm no' sure why a duck should suddenly fancy a swan. Something no' right there, by the way.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 17th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Francis Chichester 1901 - Pensioner who sailed round the world single-handedly. Nowadays, the coastguard would be after him to prevent him from even attempting such a hare-brained scheme. Back in 1967, he got a blibbing knighthood!

Frederick Ashton 1904 - Hoofer.

John Creasey 1908 - Orfer. Created the characters Gideon of Scotland Yard and The Baron.

Peter Glaze 1917 - Comedian, it says here.

Dinah Sheridan 1920 - Actress. Mrs Waterbury in The Railway Children.

Ursula Howells 1922 - Actress. Frances Forsyte in The Forsyte Saga. 138 credits on IMDb.

Reginald Marsh 1926 - Actor. Sir Andrew in The Good Life. 175 IMDb credits.

Brian Matthew 1928 - Broadcaster.

Roddy McDowall 1928 - Actor. David Balfour in Kidnapped (1948). 271 credits on IMDb. Mind you, his career did span 60 years.

Stirling Moss 1929 - Racey car bloke.

Robin Ray 1934 - Broadcaster. Presented Call My Bluff and Face The Music.

Peter Lever 1940 - Crickety bloke.

Brian Edmeades 1941 - Another crickety bloke.

Tessa Jowell 1947 - Politician.

Sherrie Hewson 1950 - Actress. Maureen Naylor/Holdsworth/Elliott/Webster in Coronation Street.

Steve Williams 1953 - Musician. One-time drummer for Budgie (That’s a band.). Would you like a clip? Your wish is my command. Here’s I Ain't No Mountain.  Shocking grammar.

Will Gregory 1959 - Musician and producer. Half of Goldfrapp. Another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Number 1. which reached number nine in the Yuk, but was a number one in the U.S. Dance chart.

Charles Lawson 1959 - Actor, so he is. Jim McDonald in Coronation Street so he was.

Shirley Ballas 1960 - Dancey bloke.

Damon Hill 1960 - Racey car bloke.

Michael French 1962 - Actor. David Wicks in Eastenders.

John Penney 1968 - Frontman of Ned’s Atomic Dustbin (That’s a band.). A clip? Indeed. Here’s Happy.

Keith Flint 1969 - Prodigy frontman. Here’s their second number one, Breathe. Don’t have nightmares.

Adam Devlin 1969 - Musician. Guitarist with The Bluetones. Here’s their biggest hit, Slight Return.

Dallas Campbell 1970 - TV presenter on The Gadget Show and Bang Goes The Theory.

Alex Hassell 1980 - Actor. Spencer in Anonymous.

Catherine Tyldesley 1983 - Actress. Eva Price in Coronation Street.

Jack Fox 1985 - Actor. Sir Edward Denham in Sanditon.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Will Gramblory,

It was great to hear a track from you and Miss Goldfrapp. Can you answer a question for me, please? What was the last Goldfrapp single to enter the UK singles chart?

Yours with love,

B. Lever.  (No relation to P. Lever.)

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

As you are well aware, there were no predictions last week, so, hopefully, there will be no hiccups this week. [The death of Her Majesty the Queen is hardly a ‘hiccup’. - Ed.] As there were no matches to report last week, let’s move straight on to this week’s predictions from The Grambler...

Game - Result - Odds

Burnley vs Bristol City - Home win - 4/6

Middlesbrough vs Rotherham - Home win - 13/20

Accrington Stanley vs Cheltenham - Home win - 10/11

Forest Green vs Morecambe - Home win - 10/11

Oxford Utd vs M K Dons - Home win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.86

Nah, that’s not very whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Walthamstow in 1993. I began my senior career at Tottenham Hotspur and in 285 appearances have scored 188 goals. I have been capped 73 times scoring 50 times. I hold the record of scoring the most Premier League goals for a single club.

Answer - Harry Kane

2. Erling Haaland has scored two Premier League hat tricks already this season, who is the only Norwegian to have scored more?

Answer - Ole Gunnar Solskjær

3. Name the coach who managed - Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, Real Sociedad, Sunderland and West Ham.

Answer - David Moyes

4. Which German player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Robert Huth (322)

5. Which club plays at the Gtech Community Stadium?

Answer - Brentford (I wonder if the players get a free vacuum cleaner)

Shall we have five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in Leeds in 1986. I am versatile, having played as a midfielder, winger and full-back. I began my senior career at Leeds, making my first-team debut at 16 and, at the time, was the youngest player to score in the Premier League. Apart from a brief loan spell at Swindon Town, all my career has been in the Premier League. After Leeds, I made moves to Newcastle, Aston Villa, Manchester City and, my current club, Liverpool.

2. What do Mario Zagallo, Franz Beckenbauer and Didier Deschamps have in common?

3. Name the coach who managed - East Stirlingshire, St. Mirren, Aberdeen, Scotland and Manchester United.

4. Which Australian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which club plays at Banks’s Stadium?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Glaze who, for nearly 30 years, appeared on the children’s television show, Crackerjack [CRACKERJACK! - Ed.] and the radio panel game Twenty Questions where a team of panelists had to guess a mystery object in 20 questions or less (His first question was always, ‘Can you sit on it?’ Oh, how we laughed.). Any road up, it seems that Peter Glaze was a favourite of Danny Baker’s, so please enjoy (if you can) Danny’s tribute to Peter Glaze.  Apologies for the ropey editing, it was obviously taped* on a VHS video recorder long ago.

*Taped - The word we oldies use whenever we have recorded anything, as, back in the mists of time, all recording media used a form of tape.


Peter Glaze ‘DOH!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 10 September 2022

Post 458 - Grambling in the dark

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

Well, it’s been quite a week with people leaving jobs and others taking over. Obviously, there was only one story that took all the headlines... Thomas Tuchel getting the boot as Chelsea manager. Okay, I’m being facetious, but I’ll avoid any mention of the biggest event. Instead, let’s move onto a lighter tale... our impending doom.

Electricity and gas prices are going to rise. How do we know? Because those clever folk in the world of media have told us. They have even given us the figures for the projected increase... or should that be the promised increase? It seems a little odd to me that it is possible to predict a price increase. The only explanation to cynical old me is that the increase has already been planned and the shareholders in these privatised energy companies will be rubbing their hands in glee at the prospect of a bumper payout as the profits increase. Or will they?

Think about it. Energy prices will increase so much that everyone will have to use less simply to allow some funds to go towards a few little luxuries like food and clothes.

If that is the case, then energy companies will be selling less, therefore the profits will not be as high as planned. Solution? Bump up the prices again.
Eventually, we will all be unable to afford electricity and gas.

It is ironic that at COP26, last year's gathering of representatives from the world's richest countries, it was agreed that the human race was causing too much damage to this planet we call home and we should all do our bit to use less energy.

Nobody explained that this would be effected by raising prices until nobody could afford to use electricity and gas any more.

My (g)ramble doesn't end there. Recently, Mrs G and I were promised a visit from an engineer who would be fitting a smart meter, a wonderful device that allows you to watch the amount of energy you use as you head into bankruptcy.

For reasons that were never explained, our energy supplier had to cancel the visit. It didn't really matter to me, I've managed up till now without this vital piece of kit.

A few days later, I received a letter from said energy supplier telling me that, because of the inconvenience of them cancelling the engineer's visit, they would give me £30 by way of apology. I felt like writing back to them to tell them what they could do with their £30. [And what would that be? - Ed.]

They could start by cutting the price of the fuel we all have to buy from them. And they could stop giving all their engineers brand new air-conditioned vans. Don't get me started.

There have been plenty of ideas on social media on how to reduce your gas and electric bills. One individual came up with the solution that we should all buy ready meals that wouldn't need to be cooked in an oven. Honestly. I'm thinking that the person who came up with that one works in a retail sector that sells ready meals.

Not a good idea. That can only end in tears... you'd start off with ready meals, sure, but how long till you sink into the microwave meal mire? The reliance on ready-made meals can only lead to one thing... Pot
Noodle.

There are more sensible ways to save on your fuel bills.

Do you wash dishes in the sink? Don't. Use a bowl. It'd be fun. Pretend you're camping.

Using too many lights? Remove all but one low-wattage bulb from every room. In fact, why not just walk about in the darkness; you'd soon become acclimatised to the lack of light.

Too cold? Don't use your central heating, wrap yourself in a duvet or a onesie. You know, the onesie you bought at the start of the Covid19 pandemic in 2020. You can relive those happy lockdown moments.

You could also not get your hair cut, just as you did(n’t) during the lockdown. The longer locks should help to keep your head warm.

In fact, why not just go to bed? You'd be saving on the telly as well.

Shower too expensive? Don't use it every day. People used to bath once a week in the good old (smelly) days. Save the shower for special occasions. What's wrong with a good stand-up wash in front of the bathroom sink (only half-filled, of course)?

In fact, why bother washing at all? After a while, you will be impervious (That's a good word, wonder what it means.) to the smell.

Kettle costing too much? Well, don't fill it up. If you are making just one cup of tea, measure out enough for that and no more. Or, you could give up hot drinks entirely. Water is a very healthy (and affordable, at the moment) option.

Do you iron your clothes? Well, consider this. You won’t be able to afford to wash your clothes in the first place, so, hey bingo, no ironing required. A double saving.

Hmm... this is not looking too promising. Maybe we should all simply take a leaf out of the animal world's book. Think of those migrating herds of wildebeest and reindeer or the flocks of swallows all heading off to warmer climes. That's it! Do what the animals do.

That's exactly what I am going to do...hibernate through the winter months.

Wake me up when the warmer weather comes.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 3rd of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Matthew Boulton 1728 - Industrialist. Business partner of James Watt.

Cecil Parker 1897 - Actor. Claude in The Ladykillers.

Jimmy Delaney 1914 - Fitba guy.

Bill Dean 1921 - Actor. Harry Cross in Brooookside.

Larry Parnes 1929 - Pop manager and impressario. Exploited many of the acts he managed by employing them rather than simply representing them. The BBC described as a ‘beat Svengali’. The British press called him ‘Mr Parnes, Shillings and Pence’. He made many of his acts adopt raunchier names: Ronald Wycherley became Billy Fury, Roy Taylor became Vince Eager and Clive Powell became Georgie Fame. Joe Brown would not adopt a new name, so did not become Elmer Twitch.

Pauline Collins 1940 - Actress. Shirley Valentine in Shirley Valentine.

Steve Jones 1955 - Musician who has done a bit of acting. He will, however, be better remembered as the guitarist with The Sex Pistols. A clip? Indeed. I’ve given you this one before but, it’s a good un... Pretty Vacant.

Stephen Woolley 1956 - Film producer. The Crying Game, that was one of his.

Dick Strawbridge 1959 - Television personality with a moustache.

Derek Redmond 1965 - Athleticky bloke.

Raymond Coulthard 1968 - Actor. Miles Edgerton in Mr Selfridge.

Gareth Southgate 1970 - Footy bloke.

David Bingham 1970 - Fitba guy.

Kim Tiddy 1977 - Actress. Heidi Costello in Hollyoaks.

Tiffany Chapman 1978 - Actress. Rachel Dixon in Broooooookside.

Fearne Cotton 1981 - DJ and TV presenter.

Jesse Quin 1981 - Musician. Bass player with Keane. Another clip? Aye, go on then. Here’s Somewhere Only We Know.

Lisa McGrillis 1982 - Actress. Rachel Coles in Inpector George Gently.

Scott Carson 1985 - Footy bloke.

Chris Fountain 1987 - Actor. Tommy Duckworth in Coronation Street.

Faye Brookes 1987 - Actress. Kate Connor in Coronation Street.

Jake Quickenden 1988 - Actor, singer and reality TV star. A clip? Indeed, here is Blindfold.

Now then, what about the 10th of September?

Henry Purcell 1659 - The well-known composer. Let’s have a clip. Here’s the snappily titled Dido and Aeneas, Z. 626: When I am laid in earth, 'Dido's Lament'.

Mortimer Wheeler 1890 - Archaeologist and TV celebrity.

Beryl Cook 1926 - Artist.

Johnny Keating 1927 - Musician, composer and arranger. He had a hit with the Theme from Z-Cars in the early sixties, a tune that was adopted by Everton and still gets played on matchdays. But, since I’ve given you that one in a previous edition of this blog, I’ll give you a different clip, Listen. [I am doing. - Ed.] No, it’s called Listen.

Gwen Watford 1927 - Actress. Mabel Maple in Don’t Forget to Write.

David Hamilton 1938 - Radio presenter.

Cynthia Lennon 1939 - John’s first missus.

Don Powell 1946 - Drummer with Slade. Let’s have a clip. Here’s the band’s last top ten hit Run Runaway.

Judy Geeson 1948 - Actress. Pamela Dare in To Sir, with Love.

Barrie ‘Barriemore’ Barlow 1949 - One time drummer with... can you guess? Yes, I knew you’d get it... Jethro Tull so let’s have a clip. [Any excuse. - Ed.] Here’s Locomotive Breath.

Freddy Marks 1949 - Musician and writer. Famous as one third of Rod, Jane and Freddy, the resident music act on Rainbow. Here’s a clip of them singing Beat of Your Heart.

Carol Decker 1957 - Actress and singer. Remember T’Pau? [Is that a group from Yorkshire? - Ed.] She was (still is) their singer. Have a clip. Here’s Heart and Soul.

Mark Mardell 1957 - Journalist and radio presenter.

Siobhan Fahey 1958 - Singer and songwriter. A bit of Bananarama and Shakespears Sister. A clip? Here’s Bananarama’s Shy Boy.

Helen Pearson 1959 - Actress. Frankie Osborne in Hollyoaks.

Colin Firth 1960 - Actor. George VI in The King’s Speech. [I prefer nectarines, myself. - Ed.]

Guy Ritchie 1968 - Filmmaker.

Adam Stansfield 1978 - Normally, I would simply write ‘Footy bloke’ in here but, I wish to tell you a little more about this footballer who should be celebrating his 44th birthday today. Sadly, he died in 2010 aged just 31 from colorectal or bowel cancer. He was diagnosed in April of that year but died in the August. I don’t know too many details, but I am thinking that his illness played out much as Stewart’s. Perhaps doctors considered he was too young to get bowel cancer and just didn’t deal with it properly. Whatever the case, please go to Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK for some shocking statistics.

After he died, his old club, Exeter, retired the number nine shirt. It is fitting that last weekend, nine years on, a striker made his debut for Exeter City wearing number nine. His name? Jay Stansfield, son of Adam.

 

Adam Stansfield

Alex Horne 1978 - Comedian and writer. He is the brains behind the Channel 4 show Taskmaster.

Stephen McManus 1982 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Luke and Harry Treadaway 1984 - Actors.

David Clarkson 1985 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Matt Ritchie 1989 - Footy bloke.

Hetti Bywater 1994 - Actress. Lucy Beale in Eastenders.

Jack Grealish 1995 - Footy bloke.

Greg Docherty 1996 - Fitba guy.

Sam Hart 1996 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Gram Blowell,

It was great to hear you bashing away at the drums on Run Runaway. We were big fans of Slade back in their heyday of the seventies. Can you answer a question for us? What was the last original Slade song to enter the charts?

Yor fanz,

Ray Dio, Wally Sound.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? We won... a little bit. 70 pees back from our £2.20. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Blackpool vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Blackpool 3 Bristol City 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Theo Corbeanu came off the bench to score a 90th-minute equaliser as Blackpool salvaged a thrilling 3-3 draw with Bristol City at Bloomfield Road.

Nahki Wells crashed a first-minute effort off the post for the Robins before a deflected shot from Josh Bowler wrong-footed Daniel Bentley at the other end to put the hosts ahead just six minutes later.

Tommy Conway prodded home a deserved leveller for Bristol City just before the break, meeting an Alex Scott cross at the near post for his third goal in three league games.

Jerry Yates' close-range flicked finish from a corner put the Seasiders ahead early in the second half, only for Antoine Semenyo to level for the Robins 20 seconds after coming off the bench in the 63rd minute.

City then took the lead for the first time in chaotic fashion, with Kal Naismith testing Daniel Grimshaw with a free-kick, only for Wells to then pounce and head onto the bar before Marvin Ekpiteta directed the ball into his own net.

That had looked like being enough to seal all three points before Corbeanu struck late on.

 

Middlesbrough vs Swansea - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Swansea 1

Yay!

First-half goals from Riley McGree and Matt Crooks secured a win for Middlesbrough at home against Swansea City.

The Swans were behind after 14 minutes when McGree beat Andy Fisher after a poor pass from Cameron Congreve was intercepted.

Middlesbrough continued to dominate, and doubled their lead after half an hour when Matt Crooks got in front of his man to tap in Ryan Giles' low cross from close range.

The visitors were handed a lifeline when Darragh Lenihan was penalised for handball in the box and Joel Piroe slotted home to set up a grandstand finish.

But Ben Cabango, who was already on a yellow card, was given his marching orders with two minutes remaining after shoving Isaiah Jones to the floor in a rash moment.

 

Millwall vs Reading - Home win

Result - Millwall 0 Reading 1

Boo!

Naby Sarr powered home a first-half header from a Tom Ince free-kick inside the first quarter of an hour and the Royals defended that lead impressively.

Tom Bradshaw went close on a couple of occasions and the Lions had a Jake Cooper goal ruled out for offside.

The Royals should have wrapped up victory in the closing stages, but misses by Jeff Hendrick and Shaun Long did not prove costly.

 

Rotherham vs Birmingham - Home win

Result - Rotherham 2 Birmingham 0

Yay!

The Millers outplayed Blues in the first half and Conor Washington went close before Richard Wood's headed opener, while Chiedozie Ogbene also shot wide as they looked for a second.

Blues offered almost no attacking threat before the break, managing no attempts on target and not forcing a single corner.

They improved marginally after the interval, but Rotherham continued to look the better side, with Dan Barlaser missing a penalty before Wood's close-range effort made it 2-0 for a deserved victory. 

 

Watford vs QPR - Home win

Result - Watford 2 QPR 3

Boo!

Substitute Albert Adomah scored the winner for Queens Park Rangers taking just nine minutes to seal the entertaining win at Vicarage Road, crashing the ball home off the woodwork.

Ilias Chair had given QPR a deserved lead with a fortuitous finish from 30 yards, which took a huge deflection off Francisco Sierralta on the way to finding the bottom corner.

Ken Sema restored parity with a calm finish after battling through Rangers' defence, only for Chris Willock to finish a fine team move to put QPR ahead once more.

Watford striker Joao Pedro hit the bar with a 40-yard effort and eventually equalised with a powerful low finish before Adomah sealed QPR's second win of the season.

The Hornets did have the ball in the back of the net late on, but Edo Kayembe's effort, and what proved their last chance of rescuing a draw, was ruled out for offside in the build-up.

 

There are no predictions this week as all weekend fixtures have been postponed... for obvious reasons.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Dublin in 1980. A striker, I began my senior career at Wolves. After a few moves, I moved to Spurs where I played almost 200 games and scored 80 goals. I then moved to Liverpool for a season, but returned to Spurs for a second spell in 2009. A couple of loan spells later, I moved to the US to play for LA Galaxy in 2011. Over the next five years, I played 125 games and scored over 80 goals. I was capped 146 times for my country, an Irish record.

Answer - Robbie Keane

2. Which Chinese player has made the most Premier League appearances?

Answer - Sun Jihai (123)

3. Which Scottish player was capped 121 times and scored 116 goals?

Answer - Julie Fleeting [Sneaky. - Ed.]

4. Name the coach who managed - Motherwell, Hibernian, Rangers, Scotland (twice), Birmingham City, Aston Villa, Nottingham Forest, Genk and Zamalek.

Answer - Alec McLeish

5. Which club plays at the Suit Direct Stadium (aka Victoria Park)?

Answer - Hartlepool United

All right, let’s have five for this week.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Walthamstow in 1993. I began my senior career at Tottenham Hotspur and in 285 appearances have scored 188 goals. I have been capped 73 times scoring 50 times. I hold the record of scoring the most Premier League goals for a single club.

2. Erling Haaland has scored two Premier League hat tricks already this season, who is the only Norwegian to have scored more?

3. Name the coach who managed - Preston North End, Everton, Manchester United, Real Sociedad, Sunderland and West Ham.

4. Which German player has made the most Premier League appearances?

5. Which club plays at the Gtech Community Stadium?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of (the already mentioned) Never Too Young | Bowel Cancer UK

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. A Horne who (with his Horne Section) provides this week’s finishing link, a suitably British take on the old YMCA song and associated dance.

 

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 27 August 2022

Post 457 - They're grambling with my song

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via The Grambler’s Kick Cancer’s Backside (cancerresearchuk.org).

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

You may have been wondering why there was no edition of your favourite ill-informed blog last week. What do you mean, you never noticed? The reason for its non-appearance was that Mrs G and I have been on our travels again. Abroad. First time in getting on for three years. However, this is not a 'what I did in my holidays' essay, but it does pick up on one small aspect of it.

We stayed in a hotel. Very nice I hear you say. Indeed it was. Clean, comfortable room overlooking the sea; good food at mealtimes. What could be better? The evening's entertainment, that's what.

We've been to many hotels and resorts over the years; we have witnessed some brilliant and not so brilliant entertainment.

I recall the world's best bingo caller...'One and three... thirty one'. We've seen possibly the world's clumsiest magician. He couldn't magish at all. His act was supposed to finish with a dove flying out of a silver server when he lifted the lid. We worked out the big finish quite early in the act; he had placed the server complete with lid on a table beside him. Unfortunately, during another trick, he managed to knock the platter off the table and a stunned dove tried to crawl out. Only by clamping the lid shut on the poor animal's wing did he stop it escaping. Not surprisingly, the finale was somewhat spoiled because the dove was a bit wary when it came to the point where it was actually meant to leave the server; the magician had to give it a right old prod to get it moving.

Any road up, back to last week's holiday, the entertainment on the first night was a female singer. She had a pleasant enough voice; a bit Joni Mitchell, I thought. And she sang some songs Mrs G and I recognised... eventually. Her problem was that the tune accompanying the words was almost exactly nothing like the original.

Her first number, a take on the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' song Under the Bridge, for example, we didn’t recognise immediately, but we persevered and got there in the end. She had obviously taken the words of the song and just sang them to whatever notes came in to her head.

Some songs were easy to spot. Zombie by the Cranberries was one. There aren’t too many songs with the word zombie repeated over and over. Carole King's It's Too Late, was not so easy to work out.

All in all, nice voice, terrible memory for tunes.

A couple of nights later, another female singer rocked up to... erm... entertain us.

This one didn't have a very pleasant voice at all. Imagine a combination of Rod Stewart, Joe Cocker, Bonnie Tyler and her dad Steven. Now imagine that voice with a severe dose of laryngitis and you'll be somewhere close to envisaging how truly awful this singer was.

She also had the same problem as the singer from two nights previous; she made her own tunes up. Sadly, because she had such a godawful voice, it was nigh on impossible to spot a song, and having English as a second language, some of her pronunciation was iffy. It was sometimes possible to spot a word or two which gave you an idea of what she was attempting to sing in her gravelly way. There aren't too many songs with a chorus of 'you can go your own way' so we surmised that she was having a go at the old Fleetwood Mac tune.

She then began a song which featured a phrase which sounded something like 'ah hee ah hee ah hee'. Nope. This was a new one on me. It bugged me no end. I even went to bed thinking about it and trying to work out what that song was.

After drifting off to sleep, I awoke and with such a start that I also woke a worried Mrs G...

'What's wrong? Are you all right?' she enquired.

'Got it!'

'Got what?'

'That song!'

'What song?'

'The one we couldn't work out... ah hee ah hee ah hee.'

'And what was it?'

'Zombie by the Cranberries.'

 

I would like to end this week’s story time with a link to a version of a song that always struck me as being quite ironic, given its title. Here’s Ray Charles making a right old mess of Melanie’s Look What They've Done to My Song, Ma.

 

Ray Charles - Song murderer


.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 20th of August? Of course there were. Here are some that even I have heard of.

Duncan Macrae 1905 - Actor. Para Handy in Para Handy - Master Mariner.

Bunny Austin 1906 - Tennisy bloke. Not a real rabbit.

Andre Morell 1909 - Actor. Professor Bernard Quatermass in Quatermass and The Pit.

Bernard Archard 1916 - Actor. Inspector Pike in The List of Adrian Messenger. 141 IMDb credits.

Yootha Joyce 1927 - Actress. Mildred Roper in Man About The House and its spinoff series George and Mildred.

Anthony Ainley 1932 - Actor. The Master in Doctor Who. Well, one of the many actors who played that role over the years.

Ronnie Browne 1937 - A Corrie. A clip? But of course. Here’s Rattlin' Bog.  [He should get a plumber in. - Ed.]

Jim Bowen 1937 - Comedian. Great super smashing!

Ronnie McKinnon 1940 - Fitba guy.

Dave Brock 1941 - Musician. A mainstay of prog rock band, Hawkwind. I think another clip is in order. Let’s have a bit of Space Chase.

Sylvester McCoy 1943 - Actor. Doctor Who number whatever.

Peter Denyer 1947 - Actor. Dennis Dunstable in Please, Sir! and its spinoff The Fenn Street Gang.

Robert Plant 1948 - Singer, most famously with Led Zeppelin. Let’s have another clip. Here, from Knebworth 1979, is a live version of Kashmir. Let's rawwk!

Phil Lynott 1949 - Musician. Frontman with Thin Lizzy. Time for another clip, methinks. Here’s Emerald.

John Emburey 1952 - Crickety bloke.

Simon Shepherd 1956 - Actor. Dr. Will Preston in Peak Practice.

Joe Pasquale 1961 - Comedian, it says here.

Steve McMahon 1961 - Footy bloke.

Sophie Aldred 1962 - Actress. Ace in Doctor Who.

Matthew Chambers 1968 - Actor. Dr. Daniel Granger in Doctors.

Neil Fitzmaurice 1969 - Actor, comedian and writer. Jeff Heaney in Peep Show.

Adrian Bower 1970 - Actor. Brian Steadman in Teachers.

Scott Quinnell 1972 - Rygbi'r undeb a haen rygbi'r gynghrair.

Jamie Cullum 1979 - Musician. Have a clip. Talking of mucking up songs, here’s Jamie’s take on The Wind Cries Mary.

Judd Trump 1989 - Snookery bloke.

Leigh Griffiths 1990 - Fitba guy.

Callum Skinner 1992 - Bike racey bloke.

Okay that’s last week’s birthday honours, what about this week? Who was born on the 27th of August?

Charles Rolls 1877 - Car salesman.

Eric Coates 1886 - Composer. Here’s a tune Radio 4 listeners will recognise, By The Sleepy Lagoon.

James Finlayson 1887 - Actor. Played the foil in many a Laurel and Hardy film.

Cecil Troughton 1899 - Who? He was an author, better known by his pen name C. S. Forrester. Created Horatio Hornblower... Stop sniggering at the back.

Kay Walsh 1911 - Actress. Nancy in Oliver Twist (1948).

Norman Mitchell 1918 - Jobbing actor. Usually played unnamed characters such as Landlord, Barman, Commissionaire or Lorry driver. He played four different characters in Mildred and George. He was always in demand, though: 312 credits on IMDb.

Nat Lofthouse 1925 - Footy bloke.

Pat Coombs 1926 - Actress. Lana Butt in Beggar My Neighbour.

Antonia Fraser 1932 - Orferess.

Phil Shulman 1937 - Musician. Founding member of prog rockers Gentle Giant. Have a clip. Here is Phil as lead vocalist of  The Advent of Panurge.

Polly Adams 1939 - Actress. Mrs Brown in Just William.

Derek Warwick 1954 - Racey car bloke.

Andrew Marshall 1954 - Screenwriter. 2point4 Children, that was one of his.

John Lloyd 1954 - Tennisy bloke.

Nicola McAuliffe 1955 - Actress. Sheila Sabatini in Surgical Spirit.

Glen Matlock 1956 - Musician. Original bassist for The Sex Pistols. Though credited as being a writer on 10 of the 12 songs on Never Mind the Bollocks..., this is one of only two songs that he actually recorded for the album, God Save The Queen.  So, although that video shows Sid Vicious ‘playing’ bass, it is actually Matlock’s work you hear.

Siobhan Redmond 1959 - Actress. Janice Taylor in Holby City way, way back. More recently, she provided the voice of Ollie the Smell Neuron in Nina and the Neurons. Okay, so I watch kids’ TV.

Mark Curry 1961 - TV presenter.

Reece Shearsmith 1969 - Comedian, actor and writer. With Steve Pemberton, writes and stars in Inside No. 9.

Mark Ealham 1969 - Crickety bloke.

Peter Ebdon 1970 - Snookery bloke.

Denise Lewis 1972 - Heptathleticky bloke

Suranne Jones 1978 - Actress. Anne Lister in Gentleman Jack. Her/him.

Vicky Binns 1982 - Actress. Molly Dobbs in Coronation Street.

Ed McKeever 1983 - Kayak racey bloke.

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the very late) Eric Grambloates,

It was rather wonderful to hear the wonderful tune, By The Sleepy Lagoon which, as we all know, is the theme tune for the wonderful Desert Island Discs. Didn’t you write other wonderful tunes for other wonderful programmes on the wonderful BBC? I recall a wonderful programme called Music While You Work which used to be broadcast in all the wonderful factories up and down this wonderful country of ours. I think you wrote a rather wonderful theme tune for it, but can’t remember its title. It would be rather wonderful if you could remind me.

Yours in anticipation,

Colin Orl-Wurkers.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? We won. Indeed, we almost made a profit. Only almost, though... £1.90 back from our £2.20. What happened? Read on...

 

Accrington vs Burton - Home win

Result - Accrington 4 Burton 4

Ooh! ’It the bar! Sounds like a cracking game, though. Tell us about it...

Davis Keillor-Dunn scored a hat-trick but an added-time goal from Rosaire Longelo meant Burton's trip to Accrington finished as a thrilling draw.

Burton took the lead on 10 minutes when Stanley debutant Baba Fernandes was judged to have tripped Gassan Ahadme in the area. Keillor-Dunn sent Lukas Jensen the wrong way for Albion's first goal of the campaign.

It was two on 17 minutes when Victor Adeboyejo chested the ball down for Keillor-Dunn in the area and he fired home.

Burton made it three on 50 minutes when Jonny Smith's ball across the face of goal was tapped home at the far post for Keillor-Dunn's treble.

Stanley gave themselves a lifeline on 52 minutes when Sean McConville's cross was headed home by Joe Pritchard.

It was 3-2 on 57 minutes when Tommy Leigh sent McConville clean through and he chipped keeper Viljami Sinisalo.

Burton made it 4-2 on 81 minutes when Joe Powell headed against the post and Ahadme fired the rebound into the empty net.

Josh Woods headed home on 90 minutes for Stanley and then Burton failed to clear their lines in injury time and Longelo, in the 96th minute, forced the ball home at the far post.

 

Derby vs Barnsley - Home win

Result - Derby 2 Barnsley 1

Yay!

The Reds started very nervously, with a mix-up between Conor McCarthy and goalkeeper Brad Collins in the six-yard box seeing Louis Sibley denied from close range by the stopper.

The same two players will be disappointed with the opener on eight minutes as Collins totally missed a corner by former Barnsley captain Conor Hourihane and the ball appeared to bounce in off McCarthy for an own goal.

James Norwood was denied one-on-one by home goalkeeper Joe Wildsmith but the Rams made it 2-0 when Tom Barkhuizen set up the unmarked Nathaniel Mendez-Laing to smash into the bottom left corner from the edge of the box.

Barnsley's Jack Aitchison blazed over a golden chance then James Collins fired wide at the other end when he looked sure to score.

Josh Benson's deflected 20-yard shot made it 2-1 midway through the second half then Mads Andersen headed a Benson corner wide of the top right corner in injury-time.

 

Ipswich vs MK Dons - Home win

Result - Ipswich 3 MK Dons 0

Yay!

Goals from Wes Burns and Marcus Harness put the hosts 2-0 ahead at the break before Conor Chaplin swept home Town's third in the second half to wrap up a comfortable win.

Ipswich had a sight of goal in the second minute when striker Freddie Ladapo broke free on the left, but his low drive was smothered by Jamie Cumming.

Janoi Donacien's superb run and cross from the right flank was then expertly fired home by Burns three minutes later as Town opened the scoring.

MK Dons responded and Conor Grant brought a fine save from goalkeeper Christian Walton before Matt Dennis missed a glaring chance to equalise when he headed over Grant's excellent left-wing cross.

The Tractor Boys doubled their lead in the 28th minute when Harness reacted quickest to force the ball home after Burns' low shot from outside the area was saved by Cumming.

Ipswich skipper Sam Morsy's stinging drive was tipped over by Cumming six minutes later as the hosts ended the half strongly.

Chaplin turned in Ipswich's third in the 60th minute after Donacien cut the ball back following some clever footwork in the penalty area.

Substitute Sone Aluko (Crikey! Is he still playing? Oh, he’s 33; not that old, then.) went close to adding a fourth after he drove into the box but his low effort was turned wide by Cumming with 11 minutes to go.

 

Sheffield Wed vs Charlton - Home win

Result - Sheffield Wed 1 Charlton 0

Yay!

Tyreeq Bakinson's goal late in the game was enough to give Sheffield Wednesday a victory over Charlton.

Barry Bannan had a chance for the hosts after only two minutes, glancing a header just wide.

Charlton then enjoyed a good spell, with Albie Morgan having an effort saved by David Stockdale while Scott Fraser and Steven Sessegnon both put shots over.

There was another chance for the Addicks when a defensive mix-up let in Corey Blackett-Taylor, but Liam Palmer got back to clear off the line.

Bakinson threatened to force the breakthrough shortly before he found the net.

The goal came nine minutes from time when Windass crossed from the right and Bakinson powered a header home.

Windass then picked up a loose ball, ran into the box and squared to Sow, whose effort was blocked.

The pair combined again in stoppage time, with Sow finding Windass on the edge of the area, but he fired over.

 

Wycombe vs Shrewsbury - Home win

Result - Wycombe 1 Shrewsbury 2

Boo!

Matthew Pennington equalised after Garath McCleary had given the hosts a deserved lead, and Salop skipper Luke Leahy completed the turnaround two minutes from time.

Wycombe had the run of the first half, forcing Town goalkeeper Marko Marosi into a string of fine saves. Jack Grimmer was the first to be denied with an instinctive header tipped over, and a venomous drive from Lewis Wing had the Slovakian shot-stopper at full stretch again.

The Chairboys finally found a way through after the interval as a long ball forward sat up nicely for McCleary on the edge of the box and the Jamaica international arrowed his effort into the bottom corner.

Pennington then restored parity on the hour mark with a looping far-post header after a George Nurse long throw.

Then, with full-time approaching, the visitors were awarded a spot-kick as Joe Jacobson pulled down substitute Tom Bayliss and Leahy dispatched from 12 yards with ease.

 

So close to making a profit, for once. Let’s see if The Grambler can improve on that, this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Blackpool vs Bristol City - Home win - 5/4

Middlesbrough vs Swansea - Home win - 3/4

Millwall vs Reading - Home win - 3/4

Rotherham vs Birmingham - Home win - 19/20

Watford vs QPR - Home win - 19/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.22

Interesting figure that... if you convert it to the year 1322. On October the 14th of that year, Robert the Bruce’s forces defeated those of King Edward II of England at Byland (near Scotch Corner), forcing Edward to accept Scotland’s independence.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Ruabon, Wales in 1963. I began my senior career at Manchester United before being transferred to Barcelona for a record (for a British player) £2 million. I then returned to Man U., playing over 250 games. After seven years, I was transferred to Chelsea and had short spells at Southampton and Everton before ending my playing career at Blackburn Rovers. I was capped for Wales 72 times and became the national side’s manager in 1999 while still playing for Southampton.

Answer - Mark Hughes

2. Who won the first ever Premier League Golden Boot award in season 1992-93?

Answer - Teddy Sheringham

3. Name the coach from these clubs managed - Hartlepools United, Derby County, Brighton and Hove Albion, Leeds United and Nottingham Forest.

Answer - Brian Clough

4. Which player has scored the most goals in a single season? Bonus: how many?

Answer - Lionel Messi with 73

5. Another daft one to finish. On the 4th of May this year, Steve Hodge bought Diego Maradonna’s 1986 shirt at auction. How much did he pay for it?

Answer - £7.1 million

What about five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in Dublin in 1980. A striker, I began my senior career at Wolves. After a few moves, I settled at Spurs where I played almost 200 games and scored 80 goals. I then moved to Liverpool for a season, but returned to Spurs for a second spell in 2009. A couple of loan spells later, I moved to the US to play for LA Galaxy in 2011. Over the next five years, I played 125 games and scored over 80 goals. I was capped 146 times for my country, an Irish record.

2. Which Chinese player has made the most Premier League appearances?

3. Which Scottish player was capped 121 times and scored 116 goals?

4. Name the coach who managed these clubs (and international team) - Motherwell, Hibernian, Rangers, Scotland (twice), Birmingham City, Aston Villa, Nottingham Forest, Genk and Zamalek.

5. Which club plays at the Suit Direct Stadium (aka Victoria Park)?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date; it is now sitting at over £60,000.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Macrae who provides us with this week’s closing link. This takes me back to my childhood days [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] when I was allowed to stay up on Hogmonay for the bells and to watch whatever new year programme was on. I recall appearances from old Scottish actors Finlay Currie and John Grieve, but the clip to end this week’s blog was performed every year by Duncan Macrae and was always my favourite moment. Ladeez and genullum, please enjoy A Wee Coak Sparrah.

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.