Sunday, 15 May 2022

Post 449 - Grambling stupid sizes!!

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

'That's 60 litres at £1.70 per litre... that's £102 exactly, sir.'

'60 litres?! That can't be right. My petrol tank only holds 50 litres!'

'Well sir, our litres are a bit on the small side.'

'That's ridiculous! A litre's a litre. You can't have a smaller amount than elsewhere. That just doesn't make sense!'

'I think you'll find that it does make sense...'

Sorry pardon excuse me? How can it make sense?

Let's consider something else...

'Hello, is that Layabout Carpets?'

'It is. How can I help you?'

'I've just had a new carpet from you.'

'Okay. And is there a problem?'

'Yes. You've charged me too much. You've billed me for 24 feet.'

'That's the size we got when we measured it.'

'But the room is only 20 feet long.'

'Well, our feet are a little on the small side.'

'I beg your pardon? That is just nonsense'

Nonsense, you say. Then how do clothes manufacturers get away with it?
Women's clothing seems to come in some arbitrary measurement system based on even numbers. Thus if you go from a size 10 to a size 12, you have gone up one size. Not two. I know. Totally baffling.

How many ladies out there in gramblerland would say they were a size 14? I'll bet there are some other sizes in your wardrobe as well. A few size 12 dresses? Perhaps a few that are size 16? I wouldn't be surprised if there was a size 18 or two. My point is that all of these dresses or blouses are the same size to look at and all fit perfectly, so why is there a discrepancy (That's a good word. Must look it up.) in their size numbers? You tell me. It seems there is no strict rule on what these sizes should be. I used the word arbitrary earlier and I think it sums up the manufacturers' sizing system.

Having said all that, there are a few women out there who insist they are a particular size and stick with that, no matter how ludicrous a size 12 looks on a size 18 figure.

The same can be said of the terms small, medium and large. A large size for a Philippino would not fit a large-sized American. No offence to Americans, but there are some biggies over there.

Back to the plot, I am fairly tall so I tend to buy, say, shirts [Shirts. Now what? - Ed.], ahem, in a 'large' size. However, as with dress sizes, large can mean anything the makers want it to mean. Unlike Mrs G I try to stick with the same nomenclature. So if it says large on the label and it doesn't fit, I simply don't buy it. Like the size 12/18 ladies, I don't want to admit I might be extra large.

Something else I don't buy is trouser measurements. (Do you see what I did there?) Again trouser sizes go up in twos... the waist size is always an even number and the leg length is always an odd number. So, if your waist size is 35 inches... tough. You'll have to put up with a tight 34 or a baggy 36. Or do you? As with the dress and shirt sizes mentioned already, trousers, even though they are supposed to be in a recognised system of measurement, are not always what they are meant to be. You would think that if it says 36 inches waist size on the label, that is what you would get. Don't you believe it. Labelling trouser waist sizes seems to be every bit as random as dress sizes.

This was brought home to me recently when I bought a pair of trousers from a shop with a name like text. Any road up, they were a size 36 with a 31 inch leg length and they fit me perfectly. I was so pleased with my purchase that I decided to get a second pair in a different colour. Sadly, the store had none in stock so would have to order them for me. No problem, said I.

A few days later my parcel arrived... the same trousers in a different colour. Perfect. No not perfect. I'm sure you are well ahead of me here, but they were a totally different size. Too tight in the waist, too short in the leg.

So there you have it; the same product, from the same source, with identical labelling and still there is a discrepancy.

And don't get me started on shoe sizes.

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 14th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know... not personally, you understand.

Thomas Gainsborough 1727 - Painter. Very reasonable rates.

Robert Owen 1771 - Social reformer.

Miles Mander 1888 - Actor, director, producer, playwright and novelist. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Wait. There’s more. Before turning to the film industry he was an early aviator, a captain in the Royal Army Service Corps in WWI and a sheep farmer in New Zealand. His first film role was in 1920 and over the next 25 years or so, he featured in 108 films (according to IMDb). Quite a character.

Jackie Rae 1941 - Singer, songwriter and presenter. The first host of The Golden Shot. He wrote a few tunes too. Here’s one you might know, Happy Heart. That was Andy Williams opening a jar of pickles for Petula Clark. No, I don’t get it, either.

 

Bernie, the bolt.


Terence Longdon 1922 - Actor. Appeared in four of the early Carry On films - Sergeant, Nurse, Constable and Regardless.

Oona O’Neill 1925 - Actress who married Charlie Chaplin one month after her 18th birthday. He was three times her age. Not right. Not then. Not now.

Ninian Sanderson 1925 - Racing drivery bloke.

Eric Morecambe 1925 - Comedian.

Henry McGee 1928 - Comedy actor. Worked with Benny Hill for 20 years, usually as the straight man interviewing the likes of Fred Scuttle or the oriental gentleman.

Sian Philips 1933 - Actress. Livia in I, Clavdivs. 127 credits on IMDb and counting. She is still working.

Eric Caldow 1934 - Fitba guy.

Chay Blyth 1940 - Hello, sailor.

John Forgeham 1941 - Actor. Jim Baines in Crossroads: Kings Oak.

Prentis Hancock 1942 - Actor. Paul Morrow in Space: 1999.

Derek ‘Lek’ Leckenby 1943 - Musician. Lead guitarist in Herman’s Hermits and, after Herman decided to go solo, The Hermits. Here is that later incarnation with Ginny Go Softly. That was Saturday night entertainment in the 1970s? Ye gods and little fishes!

Jack Bruce 1943 - Musician. Best remembered as bassist/vocalist with Cream. Let’s have a clip. Here’s White Room.

Alan Gordon 1944 - Fitba guy.

Francesca Annis 1945 - Actress. Vivien in Flesh and Blood.

Jack Galloway 1947 - Actor. Donald Farfrae in The Mayor of Casterbridge.

Bob Woolmer 1948 - Crickety bloke.

Sammy Johnson 1948 - Actor, like. Archie in Crocodile Shoes.

David Byrne 1952 - Singer, songwriter, record producer, actor, writer, music theorist and filmmaker. Smarty boots par excellence. Talking Heads’ main man. Let’s have a clip. Here he is with, not with Talking Heads (though you might recognise the dance) but, St. Vincent and Who.  I've just told you, St. Vincent.

Robin Hill 1953 - Guitarist. Here he is with Peter Wiltschinsky [That’s easy for you to say. - Ed.] with one you should recognise, Perfidia.

Joe Craig 1954 - Fitba guy.

Hazel Blears 1956 - Politician.

Steve Hogarth 1956 - Musician. Frontman for Marillion. Would you like a clip? Course you would. Here’s You're Gone.

Jan Ravens 1958 - Impressionist. [What, she’s a painter? - Ed.]

Tim Roth 1961 - Actor. Mr. Orange/Freddy in Reservoir Dogs.

David Quantick 1961 - Writer. He claims to have penned the first internet sitcom (or docusitcom), Junkies.

Ian Blackford 1961 - Politician. Not a fan of Bozzer, it would seem.

Ian Astbury 1962 - Singer. Vocalist with The Cult (I said cult). Would you like a clip? I’ll bet you would. Here’s Lil' Devil.

Tony Marshall 1964 - Actor. Noel Garcia in Casualty.

Emma Forbes 1965 - Radio presenter.

Greg Davies 1968 - Comedian. Aka The Taskmaster.

Cate Blanchett 1969 - Actress. The voice of Valka in the How to Train Your Dragon series of films. Did you know that? I didn’t til I looked it up.

Clare Teal 1973 - Singer. Another clip. You betcha. Here’s All for Love.

Martine McCutcheon 1976 - Actress and singer. Tiffany in Eastenders. That kickstarted her singing career. Here’s her number one from 1999, Perfect Moment.

Lee McCullough 1978 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Clinton Morrison 1979 - Footy bloke.

Jim Howick 1979 - Actor. Pat Butcher in Ghosts.

Nigel Reo-Coker 1984 - Footy bloke.

Olly Murs 1984 - Singer and songwriter. Do you a clip? You do? Are you sure? Okay, here’s Dear Darlin'

Louis Moult 1992 - Footy bloke. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Aaron Ramsdale 1998 - Footy bloke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Steve Hogramble,

So nice to hear a Marillion track with your good self on vocals rather than that big fellow that used to sing with them. Tell me, what was the first top 40 hit the band had after you took over as vocalist?

Yours enquiringly,

E. Sturr.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Well, we didn’t win. We didn’t lose, either. We got exactly £2.20 back from our £2.20 stake. What were odds on that happening? What happened? Read on...

 

Barrow vs Northampton - Away win

Result - Barrow 1 Northampton 3

Yay!

Sam Hoskins curled home a delightful opener from 20 yards after just five minutes and it was 2-0 soon after when Fraser Horsfall headed home Mitch Pinnock's corner at the back post.

Midfielder Hoskins then added his second and Northampton's third with a neat finish into the bottom corner after Josh Eppiah won possession.

With the visitors rampant, only a fine Joe Grayson tackle prevented Eppiah from making it 4-0 and that intervention proved vital in keeping Barrow in the game, with Josh Kay's tidy finish from John Rooney's corner bringing a glimmer of hope for the hosts.

An improved second-half performance saw Josh Gordon hit the bar for the hosts and brought spells of sustained pressure and a few close calls.

Hoskins nearly grabbed a fourth goal but was denied by a superb Paul Farman save.

 

Bradford vs Carlisle - Home win

Result - Bradford 2 Carlisle 1

Yay!

Bradford were rewarded for a bright start by going ahead in the 13th minute as Lee Angol diverted Charles Vernam's shot past goalkeeper Mark Howard.

Bradford kept up the pressure and Jamie Walker twice came close to increasing their lead, both chances coming from crosses from right-back Luke Hendrie.

Walker first saw his shot blocked and then Howard saved the rebound in the 19th minute.

Four minutes later Howard turned the ball over the crossbar at full stretch.

Bradford keeper Alex Bass was rarely troubled, although he was called into action in the 28th minute by a 20-yard shot from Jordan Gibson.

Carlisle pressed hard for an equaliser at the start of the second half but created few clear-cut chances and Walker increased Bradford's lead in the 70th minute.

The goal came less than a minute after Carlisle had had an appeal for a penalty turned down when Hendrie tangled with Kristian Dennis.

Bradford went straight down the other end and Walker took a short pass from Dion Pereira before scoring with a low right-footed shot.

 

Harrogate vs Sutton Utd - Away win

Result - Harrogate 0 Sutton 2

Yay!

Goals from Craig Eastmond and Isaac Olaofe gave Sutton victory at Harrogate.

Eastmond poked in the loose ball after Omar Bugiel's header hit the bar.

And Olaofe sealed the win with a late right-footed strike from near the edge of the penalty area.

After skipper Eastmond's opener, the hosts almost equalised when a corner was headed against the bar by Rory McArdle.

Olaofe headed against the post after being found by Eastwood shortly before the interval, and a second-half effort by Bugiel also hit the woodwork before Olaofe doubled the lead.

 

Mansfield vs Forest Green - Home win

Result - Mansfield 2 Forest Green 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Matty Longstaff had put the hosts ahead before the break, with Ebou Adams restoring parity just after the hour mark.

Two goals in two late minutes saw Jordan Bowery restore Mansfield's lead before Josh March hit back to snatch the point.

The hosts went ahead through Longstaff who met a deflected ball from Jamie Murphy (ex-Motherwell, you know) in the box before beating goalkeeper Luke McGee with his second attempt.

Rovers were a constant threat and eventually restored parity, thanks to Adams' cool finish after latching on to a through ball from Jamille Matt.

Matt sent a close-range header over the crossbar soon after and Nicky Cadden had a shot saved by Nathan Bishop as the visitors chased a winner, but it was Bowery who scored a second for the Stags.

But just a minute after coming off the bench, March beat the offside trap to lift a fine finish over the home goalkeeper.

 

Newport vs Rochdale - Home win

Result - Newport 0 Rochdale 2

Boo oo oo!

Matt Done's goal set Rochdale on their way to a final day victory at Newport County.

Ethan Brierley's lovely through ball allowed Done to beat the Exiles offside trap and fire past Nick Townsend.

Newport came close to equalising before half-time when Finn Azaz hit the post after combining with Dom Telford.

A late second from Abraham Odoh, finding the near bottom corner sealed the points.

 

 

 

Now then, what about this weekend? There can’t be that many divisions with games to play. Are there even five to randomly choose from? [Eh? That’s not how random works. - Ed.]

There are five Premier League games taking place this Sunday (15th) at 2pm, so let’s go with them.

Game - Result - Odds

Aston Villa vs Crystal Palace - Home win - Evens

Leeds vs Brighton - Away win - 8/5

Watford vs Leicester - Away win - 19/20

West Ham vs Manchester City - Away win - 2/5

Wolves vs Norwich - Home win - 9/20

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£12.64

Hmm... fairly average whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Birmingham in 1995. I play as a winger or attacking midfielder. I joined Aston Villa aged 6. I made my first senior appearance for them in 2014 after a loan spell at Notts County. In 2021 I signed with Manchester City for £100 million, a record for an English player.

Answer - Jack Grealish

2. Which player holds the record for the most Champions League winners’ medals?

Answer - It’s that man Cristiano Ronaldo with five

3. Which current Premier League player has made the most P.L. appearances?

Answer - James Milner (585 and counting)

4. Which father and son have made almost 600 Premier League appearances between them?

Answer - Peter and Kasper Schmeichel

5. What Premier League team is sponsored by Lotus?

Answer - Norwich City

How did you do? Five out of five? How about five more for this week? We begin with...

1. Who am I?

I was born in La Louviere, Belgium in 1991. I made my senior debut with Lille in 2007. In 2012 I moved to Chelsea. I played 245 times and was named as Chelsea’s player of the year on four occasions. I was signed by Real Madrid in 2019. I have been capped 116 times.

2. Which Belgian has scored the most international goals (It’s not the guy in question one.)

3. Who is currently the longest-serving manager in the Premier League?

4. Liverpool won the League and FA Cups this year; which other teams have achieved the cup ‘double’?

5. Which club plays at Brunton Park?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. E. Bartholomew, one of Britain’s favourite comedians in the 1960s and 70s. Who, I hear you ask. Eric Morecambe, I answer. He changed his name to that of his home town. If his comedy partner, Ernie Wise, had done the same thing, we might now be remembering Morecambe and Leeds. That’s neither here nor there, but I think we should finish this week with something from the biggest British TV stars of that era. It was said that people gauged how good a Christmas they had by the quality of that year’s Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special. So here, ladeez and genullum is the entire 1969 Christmas show. [I’m guessing that was a particularly dull Christmas, then. - Ed.]

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 7 May 2022

Post 448 - The Grambler casts a cloot

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

This is a conversation which actually, definitely, most certainly took place.*

'Morning, Mr G.'

'(Uh oh, it's my nosey know-all neighbour, Nigel.) Hello, Nigel.'

'I see you've taken your coat off.'

'You don't miss a thing, do you?'

‘No, I don't. Far too early.'

'Pardon?'

'Yes it's far too early in the year. You know what they say, don't you?'

'No. What do they say?'

'They say ne'er cast a clout till May is out.'

'Is that what they say?'

'Indeed they do. Ne'er cast a clout... It's poetic.'

'What is?'

'Ne'er. Poets say that. It’s called poetic licence.'

'Really? How very interesting. (By which I mean how totally boring.)'

'I'll wager you don't even know what a clout is.'

'(It's what I want to give anyone who insists on telling me something I don't want to know.) Doesn't it mean cloth, as in don't start shedding layers of clothing until the end of May?'

'Oh my goodness me, no. Oh dearie me. No no no. A clout isn't a coat at all. It is, in actual fact, a stitch.'

'A stitch?'

'Indeed. You know... A stitch in time saves nine? One of them. Yes, in actual fact, it dates back to olden times when people wore cloaks rather than coats.'

'Well, that explains it. (What the f*** are you on about?)'

'You see, people would wear their cloaks in winter and would stitch them to help conserve heat. Casting a clout refers to the removing of the stitches when the warmer weather came.'

'So they wore their cloaks through the winter?'

'Indeed they did.'

'And never took them off?'

'I'm sorry?'

'Well if they were stitched to conserve heat and the stitches weren't removed till the warm weather, people must have been sewn into the cloaks and unable to take them off.'

'Erm... um... er... Yes... Well... Ahh... Did you know May doesn't refer to the month of May?'

'Doesn't it?'

'Oh my goodness me, no. In actual fact it refers to the time when May blossom is on the trees. Or it has been suggested that it, in actual fact, refers to mayflies appearing. So there you are. Clout means a stitch and May doesn't mean the month. In actual fact, ninety-nine point nine per cent of people don't know that.'

'That's because in actual fact ninety-nine point nine per cent of people couldn't give a flying f***... Did I just say that out loud?'

* Well, maybe it wasn’t quite like that... Poetic licence.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 7th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know... not many, though.

Valentine Dyall 1908 - Actor. Deep Thought in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Huw Wheldon 1916 - Controller and later managing director of the British Broadcorping Casteration.

David Tomlinson 1917 - Actor. Mr Banks in Mary Poppins.

David Hatch 1939 - Radio performer and producer.

Jim Craig 1943 - Fitba guy. A Lisbon Lion, you know.

Richard O’Sullivan 1944 - Actor. Robin in Robin’s Nest and before it, Man About The House.

Brian Turner 1946 - Chef.

Michael Rosen 1946 - Children’s writer. We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, that was one of his.

Pete Wingfield 1948 - Musician. He had one hit, Eighteen with a Bullet, but let’s have a non-hit instead. Here’s We Fit Together.

Bernie Marsden 1951 - Musician. He was in many bands, none more successful than Whitesnake, so let’s have a clip. What’s it to be? Not sure if he is in the video, but he did co-write this one, Here I Go Again.

Steve Diggle 1955 - A Buzzcock. He took over vocal duties when Pete Shelley left The Buzzcocks to go solo. Here’s the band’s biggest hit with Diggle on vocals, Harmony In My Head. Sorry about the scary man at the start of that clip.

Anne Dudley 1956 - Musician. She was part of The Art of Noise. Here is their biggest hit,  Close (to the Edit) here performed live in 2004.

Marty Willson-Piper 1958 - Musician. Has been involved with bands The Church, All About Eve and Anekdoten. Here is a clip from The Church, Anna Miranda.

Norman Whiteside 1965 - Footy blook, so he is.

Morgana Robinson 1982 - Comedienne.

Jay Bothroyd 1982 - Footy bloke.

Garry O’Connor 1983 - Fitba guy.

Matthew Helders 1986 - An Arctic Monkey. Have a clip. Here’s the Arctics’ first biggie, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor.

Mark Reynolds 1987 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Iain Vigurs 1988 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Fraser Murray 1999 - Fitba guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Matthew Gramblers,

It was so nice to hear the song I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor. I do worry about the object of the singer’s attention who, while appearing to be able to dance well, seems to be suffering from a frozen shoulder. I’m surprised it didn’t impair her dancing, because it’s a very painful thing, a frozen shoulder. Perhaps she had it strapped up, or was on some strong painkillers. Anyhoo, my question to you is, did the Arctic Monkeys have any other number one records?

Yours with kisses on the bottom,

Wendy Sungose-Downe.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Well, we won. Sort of. £1.84 back from our £2.20 stake. What happened? Read on...

Rochdale vs Bristol Rovers - Away win

Result - Rochdale 3 Bristol Rovers 4

Yay! (just)

Hat-trick hero Aaron Collins snatched a late winner as Bristol Rovers twice overturned a two-goal deficit to beat Rochdale 4-3.

Dale took a two-goal lead into the break after Luke Charman netted in the ninth minute and added a second eight minutes later.

Rovers improved after the break and Sam Finley brought them back into the game with a composed finish in the 53rd minute.

Dale restored their two-goal lead on the hour mark when Matt Done teed up Corey O'Keeffe to beat James Belshaw in the Rovers goal at the second attempt.

However, Rovers hit back in the 66th minute, Antony Evans sliding an intelligent delivery across the face of goal for Collins to convert.

The visitors levelled the scores in the 89th minute, Harry Anderson setting up Collins for his second of the afternoon.

And the three points were secured in dramatic fashion in the fifth minute of added time when Elliott Anderson's header was turned home by Collins.

The visitors' Paul Coutts was sent off in the eighth minute of added time following a melee in his own penalty area, but Rovers held on to win.

 

Scunthorpe vs Hartlepool - Away win

Result - Scunthorpe 1 Hartlepool 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Pools could have been out of sight by half-time but struggled in front of goal and skipper Nicky Featherstone was denied by a late block by Ryan Delaney.

But the home side took the lead after 49 minutes. A loose ball by Pools' Tom Crawford was intercepted and Cameron Wilson broke away to net his first career goal.

Foster then saved again from Bogle, pushing a shot against the post.

However, Pools levelled after 72 minutes when Luke Molyneux was tripped in the area and Featherstone scored confidently from the spot.

 

Sutton Utd vs Bradford - Home win

Result - Sutton 1 Bradford 4

What!

Charles Vernam scored twice for Bradford before Yann Songo'o and Andy Cook wrapped it up late on.

Sutton went close after 90 seconds when Donovan Wilson set up Will Randall for a first-time shot against the post.

But Bradford responded well with Dion Pereira, Liam Ridehalgh and Vernam all testing home keeper Dean Bouzanis.

The visitors then took a 16th-minute lead as Vernam headed home from Luke Hendrie's cross.

Jamie Walker lobbed another shot onto the roof of the net as Bradford controlled the first half.

Sutton came back out a lot brighter and were level 10 minutes into the second half as Alistair Smith fired a superb strike into the top corner.

Bradford restored their lead in the 77th minute with Vernam sliding home his second goal from Ridehalgh's cross.

Defender Songo'o (85) added a third from close range from Elliot Watt's corner before sub Cook scored in stoppage time.

 

Swindon vs Barrow - Home win

Result - Swindon 2 Barrow 1

Yay!

It looked like the game was heading for a draw after Matt Platt's late goal cancelled out Josh Davison's first-half opener, but Reed struck with five minutes left to secure a vital home victory.

Davison scored the only goal of the first half in the 22nd minute when he capitalised on lacklustre defending to meet Akin Odimayo's cross.

Midfielder Reed dictated play and was at the heart of a move in the 39th minute that saw Harry McKirdy fire an edge-of-the-box effort over the bar.

Louie Barry and McKirdy both wasted second-half goalscoring opportunities, with the latter left red-faced after rounding the keeper in the 71st minute but making the wrong decision as his shot was blocked.

Platt restored parity in the 83rd minute with his header creeping past Lewis Ward.

But Reed rounded off a brilliant individual performance to save Swindon with a close-range goal just two minutes later.

 

Tranmere vs Oldham - Home win

Result - Tranmere 2 Oldham 0

Yay!

Josh Hawkes and Kane Hemmings scored as Tranmere heaped misery on Oldham with a comfortable 2-0 win.

Hawkes struck in the 27th minute and Hemmings sealed victory in the second half as the hosts strolled to victory against a lacklustre Latics side.

Hawkes had skewed horribly wide with an early chance when left unmarked at the back post.

But when a brisk passing move saw Tranmere work the ball to him at the edge of the box, he drilled his finish past Jayson Leutwiler's right hand and inside the foot of the post.

Oldham offered precious little in the first half, with a set-piece header from Will Sutton that cleared the bar their only contribution of note.

Tranmere's half-time lead should have been more than a single goal but Hemmings was denied by Leutwiler after a neat through ball from Elliott Nevitt.

Hemmings made no mistake when he was given a second chance just after the hour mark, however, deservedly doubling Rovers' lead when Lewis Warrington picked him out in space.

And Oldham were denied a late consolation by Tranmere keeper Joe Murphy, who got down well to turn Jack Stobbs' effort behind.

 

That was last week, but what about this week? What has The Grambler found?

Game - Result - Odds

Barrow vs Northampton - Away win - 4/6

Bradford vs Carlisle - Home win - 19/20

Harrogate vs Sutton Utd - Away win - 17/20

Mansfield vs Forest Green - Home win - 11/10

Newport vs Rochdale - Home win - 19/20

 

 

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£13.34

Now, that is just too whopping.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Chuncheon, South Korea in 1992. A forward, I began my senior career with Hamburger SV before moving to Bayer Leverkusen. Two years later I became the most expensive Asian player in history when I signed with Tottenham Hotspur for £22 million. I have now played over two hundred games for the club, scoring 87 times so far. I have been capped 98 times for my national team.

Answer - Son Heung-min

2. Which Premier League club has had the longest uninterrupted run in the top flight?

Answer - Arsenal (since 1919-20)

3. Which goalkeeper holds the record for scoring goals with 131?

Answer - Rogério Ceni

4. Talking of goalkeepers, who is the most expensive goalkeeper in history?

Answer - Kepa Arizzabalaga (£71.6 million)

5. A daft one to finish. Name the teams in the current senior leagues in England and Scotland that have the word ‘ton’ in their name. Clue to help: there are n...n...n...n... nineteen.

Answer - Wolverhampton Wanderers, Brighton and Hove Albion, Aston Villa, Southampton, Everton, Luton Town, Preston North End, Milton Keynes Dons, Bolton Wanderers, Accrington Stanley, Charlton Athletic, Burton Albion, Northampton Town, Sutton United, Leyton Orient, Livingston, St. Johnstone, Greenock Morton and Dumbarton.

What about five teasers for this week, I hear you say. What about them, indeed. Here they are.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Birmingham in 1995. I play as a winger or attacking midfielder. I joined Aston Villa aged 6. I made my first senior appearance for them in 2014 after a loan spell at Notts County. In 2021 I signed with Manchester City for £100 million, a record for an English player.

2. Which player holds the record for the most Champions League winners’ medals?

3. Which current Premier League player has made the most P.L. appearances?

4. Which father and son have made almost 600 Premier League appearances between them?

5. What Premier League team is sponsored by Lotus?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. D. Tomlinson who provides us with our closing link. David Tomlinson first appeared in films in the early 1940s, but it wasn’t until 1964 that he played the role he is perhaps best remembered by. After 20-plus years in British comedy films, Tomlinson was hired by Walt Disney to play George Banks in Mary Poppins. The rest, as they say, is history. He would go on to star in other Disney flims such as Bedknobs and Broomsticks and The Love Bug. However, it is his first Disney film appearance that gives us our ending for this week’s edition. How windy is it today? Shall we? Let's Go (and) Fly A Kite. That was going well until Dick van Dyke turned up.

David Tomlinson aged a bit after working with Dick van Dyke



That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday, 30 April 2022

Post 447 - A murderous gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

I mean, just what is the world coming to? You can't even slaughter a few dozen innocent creatures without some do gooder telling you it's not legal. Actually, they aren't complaining about the killing so much as the method of killing.

Let me explain. [I think you should before the RSPCC see this. - Ed.] I'm a gardener. There, I've admitted it. I like gardening. I've even been known to watch Gardeners World on telly. Anyway, gardeners up and down the land have for years used slug pellets as a means of getting rid of the little bas... blighters. But now, because of those animal welfare nutters, you're not allowed to use them any more. Apparently, they contain metaldehyde which is toxic to other animals such as hedgehogs, cats and dogs. Aww, shame. It might give them an upset tummy... Okay, it might actually kill them, but that's neither here nor there. How am I supposed to get rid of those slugs which seem to think the only reason I plant French marigolds is to give them a square meal?

I've always used slug pellets and, usually, they do the trick. Although quite often some poor creature meets its end by being the first to try and cross the blockade of pellets. Does this deter his mates from doing the same thing? Of course not, they use him as a bridge to get to those lovely green leaves.

Maybe he's a kamikaze slug, taking one for the team so that all the other gastropods can eat...

'Don't wait for me sarge. Just get the others through. Urgh!' (That's him snuffing it.)

So what is the recommended solution from the animal rights loonies? Beer. That's right. And the lighter the better apparently. Yep, slugs and snails prefer lager to Guinness.

I don't know details, but you are meant to put a dish of beer into your garden beds and tubs and gastropods are attracted to it. Indeed, they seem to be quite the bevvy merchants, these slugs; can't get enough of it. Put a dish in with your plants at night and the next day it will be full of dead slugs.

How does it work, I hear you ask. No idea, I say, but here's a thought.

I reckon that the slugs and snails come out for their midnight feast and when they smell the beer, think, 'Wahey! Booze. Shall we have a drink before we start the meal?' So they all start to sup this Tennent's lager or Holsten pis... I'm sorry I'll type that again... I meant pils. No, maybe I didn't. Any road up, before long, the little slimy chums are all merrily sloshed and telling each other, 'You're my best mate, do you know that?' when on of them pipes up, 'Hey, let's go for a midnight swim. Last one in's a nematode!'

And they all dive in before realising that slugs aren't equipped for swimming and commit mass gastropod suicide.

Well, can you come up with a better theory?

How do I end this? With a joke, of course. It's the best slug joke I know. Come to think of it, it's the only slug joke I know. Here goes...

What did the slug say to the snail? [Nothing. They don't talk. - Ed.] Aww, don't spoil it. Come on, what did the slug say to the snail? [Sigh... I don't know. What did the slug say to the snail? - Ed.] Big Issue! Do you get it? Big issue. [Sadly, I do get it. Can I go now? - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or not so well-known individuals born on the 30th of April? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know... not many, though.

Mary II 1662 - The well-known queen.

Dickie Davies 1933 - TV sports presenter.  He usually managed to keep cool on his World of Sport, but live TV being what it is, can lead to a few clangers being dropped.

 

I meant to say cup soccer, honest


Shirley Cain 1935 - Actress. Catherine Coleman in Diamonds. No, I don’t remember that one either.

Bernie Clifton 1936 - Comedian famous for pretending to ride an ostrich. Seriously. It’s funny once, but he’s doing it for 50 years.

Tony Harrison 1937 - Poet. His most famous work was called, simply, V. Here, do you think it was about...

Bobby Vee 1943 - Singer. Had a hit or two. Here is his Number 3 hit from 1961, Take Good Care of My Baby. Bobby Vee - Take Good Care Of My Baby (1961) - YouTube

David Barry 1943 - Actor and writer. Frankie Abbott (F.A.) in Please Sir! and The Fenn Street Gang.

Leslie Grantham 1947 - Actor. Dirty Den in Eastenders.

Merrill Osmond 1953 - Singer. A member of the famous singing troupe. Let’s have a clip. Here are the brothers Osmond, before Donny had managed to take over cuteness/precocious little tw*t duties, on one of their regular appearances on The Andy Williams Show singing Hello Dolly.  Great... didn't they?

Kit Hesketh-Harvey 1957 - Musical performer, translator, composer and screenwriter. In fact, a right old smarty boots.

James Hewitt 1958 - ‘Friend’ of Princess Diana.

Norman Smith 1959 - Political journalist... not the Norman Smith who called himself Hurricane Smith.

Glyn Hodges 1963 - Pêl-droediw.

Jim Tavare 1963 - Comedian.

Tim Hawes 1965 - Musician and songwriter. He is responsible for writing this toon for Hear’say (Remember them?) which entered the Guinness Book of Records as the fastest selling debut single of all time. I think that may have been down to the fact that the group won TV talent show Popstars rather than the quality of the material. Anyway, here is Pure and Simple.  Apologies to anyone expecting the Lightning Seeds.

Pooky Quesnel 1966 - Actress. Louise Wilson in The A Word.

Steven Mackintosh 1967 - Actor. Chief Superintendent Winter in Lucky Man. 126 credits on IMDb and counting. First appeared on our screens in 1983 in an episode of Nanny.

Leigh Francis 1973 - Comedian (it says here) better known as Keith Lemon.

Tom Meeten 1974 - Actor, comedian and writer. Sam Hickey in Intruder.

Sam Heughan 1980 - Actor. Jamie Fraser in Outlander.

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear (the late) Grambly Vee,

It was wonderful to hear you singing that wonderful song Take Good Care of My Baby. So sad that you had to put your child up for adoption, but you could only have been about 18 at the time. You were perhaps too young to deal with all the responsibilities of parenthood. Perhaps you should have thought of contraception and you wouldn’t have found yourself in such a predicament. Did you ever meet up with your child? Anyway, what I would like to ask you is, what was your first UK top ten hit?

Yours in anticipitypation,

Rob Urbawl.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

As there was no gramble last week, there is nothing to report so let’s move straight on to The Grambler’s predictions.

Game - Result - Odds

Rochdale vs Bristol Rovers - Away win - 21/20

Scunthorpe vs Hartlepool - Away win - 19/20

Sutton Utd vs Bradford - Home win - 13/20

Swindon vs Barrow - Home win - 11/20

Tranmere vs Oldham - Home win - 4/6

 

The bets have been placed - Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£9.96

Well that isn’t very whopping, is it?

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with the five teasers set last time? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Llandudno in 1958. A goalkeeper, I began my senior career at Llandudno Town, but the bulk of my playing career was at Everton; I was there from 1981 to 1998 and hold the record of having the most first-team appearances for the club. I was capped for Wales 92 times.

Answer - Neville Southall

2. Harry Rednapp is the uncle of which football manager?

Answer - Frank Lampard

3. Andy Cole, Alan Shearer, Jermain Defoe, Dimitar Berbatov and Sergio Aguero share what Premier League record?

Answer - They have all scored five goals in a match

4. Which player has made the most Champions League appearances?

Answer - Cristiano Ronald (Obvious really)

5. Which club has the motto Arte et labore (which means by art and by labour) on its crest?

Answer - Blackburn Rovers

Five for this week? But of course.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Chuncheon, South Korea in 1992. A forward, I began my senior career with Hamburger SV before moving to Bayer Leverkusen. Two years later I became the most expensive Asian player in history when I signed with Tottenham Hotspur for £22 million. I have now played over two hundred games for the club, scoring 87 times so far. I have been capped 98 times for my national team.

2. Which Premier League club has had the longest uninterrupted run in the top flight?

3. Which goalkeeper holds the record for scoring goals with 131?

4. Talking of goalkeepers, who is the most expensive goalkeeper in history?

5. A daft one to finish. Name the teams in the current senior leagues in England and Scotland that have the word ‘ton’ in their name. Clue to help: there are n...n...n...n... nineteen.

There you have it; five teasers to test you. As always, try and answer them before shouting out Hey Googly, Syria or Alexis. Please feel free to pass on the link to your pals so that they can enjoy The Grambler’s footy teasers too.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. C. Hesketh-Harvey. Christopher ‘Kit’ Hesketh-Harvey first found a modicum of fame performing musical pieces with pianist and composer Richard Sisson as Kit and the Widow. Their style was likened to Flanders and Swann or Tom Lehrer. They stopped working together in 2011 and Hesketh-Harvey now performs with James McConnel as Kit and McConnel. It is they who provide this week’s closing piece. The item I have chosen is apt... sort of, given that the French presidential election took place this week and was won by Monsieur Macron.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.