Thursday 27 August 2015

Week 4 - Two years on - Stewart remembered

Some of you regular readers of thegrambler.com will be aware of the significance of today's (Saturday) date, the 29th of August; it is two years since Stewart David Smith, the originator of this blog, died.
I felt that it was not appropriate to write the usual nonsense this week.  So, no betting or teasers this week.  Normal service will be resumed next week.  I also felt that it would be wrong to ask friends and family to again give their thoughts; that was last year's anniversary blog.
So this year, I want you all to refer to some older editions; those penned by Stewart in the early days of the blog; those written after he knew that he would not survive long and some of those written in his memory.
I also want to take this opportunity to thank you all for your support and hope that you will continue to enjoy my (g)ramblings for a long time to come.
At the end of this post (as with all posts) there is a chance for you to leave a comment.  Please, this week especially, take the time to leave a message giving your thoughts on Stewart, on bowel cancer or even your views on the blog itself.  

Some of those blogs worth a read?  How about...
5th October 2012 - Week 8
2nd November 2012 - Week 12
28th November 2012 - Week 16
22nd December 2012 - Week 19
29th December 2012 - Week 20
12th January 2013 - Week 22 (particularly poignant)
9th February 2013 - Week 23
17th August 2013 - Week 1 (again poignant)
25th August 2013 - Week 2 (incredibly sad - Stewart's final post)
20th September 2013 - Week 3
13th December 2013 - Week 15 (another sad one)
2nd January 2014 -Week 18
30th August 2014 - Week 4 (the thoughts of some of Stewart's friends and family)
2nd April 2015 - Week 35
There you are, 14 suggested posts.  There are, however, over 170 other posts to read should the mood take you.

Also, have a look at Stewart's other pages online...
rubbertoemankini.tumblr.com
tgjnt.tumblr.com

So, a bit of a mixed bag for you to read in there.  A completely different thegrambler.com this week, I admit.  I hope you appreciate this little diversion from the norm.

Happy grambling.


Friday 21 August 2015

Week 3 - The Grambler on number plates again

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

Last week’s (g)ramble could have had the title ‘What’s in a name’.  So, too, could this week’s…
May I refer you to http://www.thegrambler.com/2014/04/week-34-gollum-gets-chop.html an earlier edition of thegrambler.com which highlights the ludicrous cost of private number plates for cars?  Occasionally, the DVLA holds an auction to flog off numbers that might be considered ‘desirable’.  It’s a plate with some letters and numbers – What’s desirable about that?  Any road up, I told you about the highest amount paid for a registration (£7 million!!!), but the DVLA auction rarely reaches anything above a few grand.  However, recently the auction record was broken big time.  A number had a reserve price of £4,000.  How much did it go for?  £518,480, or almost 130 times the reserve price.  What should this tell us?  That someone who fixes reserve prices isn’t very good at their job?  That someone has more money than sense?  Actually, no.  Not in this case.  The number is 25 O.  That is 25 oh, not 250 the number.  But, it does look like 250 and there used to be a Ferrari called the 250 GTO.  Only 33 of these cars were built and if one ever comes up for sale, a price of something north of £35 million is the norm.  That suggests that one 50 year-old car is worth 5838 brand new Dacia Sanderos.  Hm.  Probably, right.  Anyway, the registration number was bought by the owner of a Ferrari dealership who presumably will put the plate on one of these expensive beasties – the Ferrari, not the Dacia – thus assuring that its price will be well over that £35 million.  So in this case, the buyer was a very shrewd businessman who will probably make a killing.
That is the tale of a registration number being personalised to suit the car rather than the owner.  A lot of people like the idea of having a personalised number on their car.  The trouble is that a registration plate has a combination of letters and numbers in a specific order so it is becoming increasingly difficult to find a registration number which actually reads as a name.  I think all the suitable combinations beginning B16, which is supposed to be read as BIG, have been snapped up.  It is a similar story for W33, which is supposed to be read as WEE.  Yes I know they look nothing like BIG and WEE; if you squint your eyes a bit it might help.  Thus we had B16 MAG, GEO, MAN, etc.  Similarly W33 MAG, GEO, MAN, etc.  If you happen to be of medium height and build, tough.
So with the diminishing availability of actual names, people are coming up with all sorts of combinations to look a little bit like their names.  BR14 MNC is probably owned by somebody called Brian who has a surname beginning with Mc or Mac.  Hmm.  Nice try, but it really isn’t anything like your name, Brian, is it?
Another point to consider when adopting a personalised plate is that to transfer it from one car to another costs money.  80 quid, no less.  That is on top of whatever this exhibition of personal vanity cost in the first place.  £80 to change a number on a car!  Blimey, you can change your own name for less!  Considerably less.  Only 15 quid, apparently…
Then it occurred to me.  Why waste money buying a personalised number for your car and then pay another 80 smackers to transfer it.  The answer is simple and gets you a personalised number for only £15.  How, I hear you ask.  Easy.  Just call me Esseff O’Seven Geebeetee.
Continuing with the topic of putting expensive personalised registrations onto cars, I have just seen the very epitome (That’s a good word.  I must look it up.) of cool.  Today, I saw a brand new, top of the range, Bentley.  Cool, you ask.  What is so cool about that?  This: it didn’t have a personalised plate.  Whoever owns this car does not say, ‘I’m rich and I’ve got a huge ego that needs massaging.  Look who I am.’  No, they are saying, ‘Yeah, okay, I may be rich enough to drive this big fancy car, but I am happy to remain anonymous, thank you very much and, besides, why would I waste money on something so utterly useless?’  That, to me, is coolness personified (Another good word.).  Take heed Mr Sugar…


Sir Am Strad

…..oooOooo…..

Any birthdays to celebrate this week?  Which famous folk came into this world on the 22nd of August?  Claude Debussy 1862 (Gary’s dad), Dorothy Parker 1893 (Inventor of free-running), Leni Riefenstahl 1902 (Odd film director woman.  She married a man 42 years younger than herself.  On her 101st birthday!), Deng Xiaoping 1904 (Trans – Finished buying stuff), Hugh Paddick 1915 (Nice to varda your dolly old eek. One for Round the Horne fans there), John Slater 1916 (Straight man to two piggy puppets), John Lee Hooker 1917 (Rugby player), Ray Bradbury 1920 (The books have nothing to say), Honor Blackman 1925 (I musht be dreaming), Valerie Harper 1939 (Hello, this is Carlton, your doorman), Rob Buckman 1948 (Nodrog’s syrup of figs.  One for Pink Medicine Show fans there), Steve ‘Interesting’ Davis 1957 (Snookerist), Roland Orzabal 1961 (Roll and horse’s b… no, prefer cheese, me), Tori Amos 1963 (Poor imitation of Kate Bush) and Mats Wilander 1964 (Sounds like a trio.  Who’s ‘her’?).
Anyone in amongst that lot able to give us a toon worth gramblerising?   You would think Roland Orzabal or Tori Amos, but instead I will allow the honour of this week’s toon to go to Nick Ashford who died on the 22nd of August 2011.  Who, I hear you ask.  Yes, Nick Ashford who, with wife Valerie Simpson, wrote and performed some pretty memorable songs of the sixties and seventies.  Ain’t no Mountain High Enough, that was one of theirs.  Ain’t Nothing like the Real Thing, that was another.  I never said grammar was his strong point.  He also penned this week’s gramblerised toon which was a huge hit for Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chaka Khan…
I'm every grambler, it's all in me
Anything you want done, baby
I'll do it naturally
I'm every grambler, it's all in me
I can read your thoughts right now
Every one from A to Z
Hang on a minute.  That doesn’t blibbing rhyme.  Or at least it shouldn’t.  Every one from Ay to Zee?  It’s blibbing Ay to Zed?  See?  Doesn’t rhyme.  Blibbing Americarn pronuncipation.  They know nothing.  What’s that other one?  You say potato and I say potato.  Hang on, that looks all right when it’s written down.  You say po-tay-to and I say po-tah-to.  Who the blibbing flip says po-tah-to.  Nobody.  Stupid song.  D’you know the one that really annoys me?  That one from May Fair Lady.  That On the street where you live.  The bit about lilac trees.  Yes, I know that lilac is written that way, but who the flip pronounces it Ly-lack?  Nobody.  Except Arndy Williarms and him what makes the yogurt, Vic Danone…
Ahem…
Yes?
Have you quite finished?
Yes, tharnk you.
Good.  Let’s move onto grambling matters…
…..oooOooo…..

How did The Grambler’s predicting skills fare last week?  Not a penny back.  Nothing.  Zip.  Zilch.  Rockall.  Oh well.  So, what happened?

Sunderland vs Norwich – Prediction Home win
Result – Sunderland 1 Norwich 3
Boo!
Russell Martin opened the scoring fortuitously, inadvertently turning the ball home after Costel Pantilimon (Cracking name of the week, do you think?) parried a Robbie Brady shot.
Steven Whittaker slammed home a second after a one-two with Wes ‘Hotlips’ Hoolahan, who also assisted in the Canaries' third from Nathan Redmond after the break.
Duncan Watmore then scored a late consolation on his Sunderland debut.
Fulham vs Brighton – Prediction Home win
Result - Fulham 1 Brighton 2
Boo!!!
Tomer Hemed's stoppage-time penalty put Brighton top of the early Championship table with two wins from two games after a closely-fought game at Fulham.
Sam Baldock tapped the visitors in front from Bruno's cross on the half hour, before Tom Cairney thumped the hosts back on level terms.
After Kazenga LuaLua was brought down, Hemed stepped up to net the winner.
Bury vs Swindon – Prediction Home win
Result – Bury 2 Swindon 2
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Anton ‘Inspector Purbright’ Rodgers' free-kick earned Swindon a point against Bury after the Robins came back from a two-goal deficit.
Joe Riley's cross found the head of Tom ‘His Holiness’ Pope to put the Shakers 1-0 up, before Leon Clarke won and missed a penalty.
Danny Mayor's shot from the edge of the box curled into the corner to double Bury's lead shortly after the break.
Swindon clawed a goal back through Fabien Robert before Rodgers' thunderous free-kick found the top right-hand corner to level the score.
Yeovil vs Bristol Rovers – Prediction Home win
Result – Yeovil 0 Bristol Rovers 1
BOO!!!
Yeovil's Matty Dolan, who had earlier forced a good save from Aaron Chapman, was sent off in the second half for a second bookable offence.
The visitors had the best chances and finally broke the deadlock with two minutes remaining when Ellis Harrison powered home his second goal in as many games.
Clyde vs Queen’s Park – Prediction Home win
Result – Clyde 0 Queen’s Park 2
BOOOOO!!!!!
Chris Smith missed an early header for the hosts before team-mate Sean Higgins pulled a good chance wide.
Higgins and Archie Campbell both fired over the bar from close range as the home side failed to take their chances.
Jamie McKernon's 25-yard volley for his first senior goal broke the deadlock before Paul Woods fired past John Gibson.
What can I say?  The Grambler managed to get it completely and utterly wrong.  I hope he/she/it calls it a bit better this week, Saturday the 22nd of August.  There are 56 senior games in the English and Scottish leagues kicking off at 3pm.  So without any more delay, here are the Grambler predictions for this week…

Game – Result  – Odds
Brighton vs Blackburn – Prediction Home win - Evens
Walsall vs Coventry – Prediction Home win – 13/10
Exeter vs York – Prediction Home win – 11/8
Peterhead vs Dunfermline – Prediction Away win – 8/13
Stirling vs Berwick – Prediction Home win – 4/5

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…
£14.45
That’s more like it.  No ridiculous long odds this week.  Maybe.  Who knows? 

…..oooOooo…..

It’s Teaser time.  Yay!  Last week I asked you why season 1994-95 is unique in the Premiershit.  I gave you a clue that it concerned the final placings that season.  The answer is that it was the only season when no London club featured in the top five positions.
How about one for this week?  Let’s stay with the Premiershit, shall we?  This week’s teaser concerns the colour green.  How many current Premiershit clubs have green in their badges and can you name them?
…..oooOooo…..

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to the late Mr R Buckman for this snippet from a gem of a programme called the Pink Medicine Show .  Very little of this series of only six is available on line so enjoy this rare and somewhat suggestive (extremely suggestive in 1978 when it was first broadcast) item.

Happy grambling.


Friday 14 August 2015

Week 2 - Cilla Black - The Grambler remembers

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

Unless you have been hiding in a cupboard for the past two weeks, you have probably heard that the entertainer Cilla Black has popped her clogs.  Either that or you haven’t got a clue who she was [Lucky you. – Ed.].  Miss Black was a singer – and I used that word in its loosest sense – who had a few hits in the sixties and managed to remain a ‘star’ for the rest of her days.  Her singing voice was certainly unusual; unique, even.  I have to say I did not understand the appeal.  To me, her voice had the same effect as running fingernails down a blackboard or rubbing two pieces of polystyrene together.  An unpleasant aural experience.
She was fortunate enough to be a young would-be singer in Liverpool when the Beatles were first making it big.  At that time anything remotely related to the ‘Merseysound’ was worth investing in.  Cilla, while not being the greatest singer, had a certain chutzpah (or gobbiness as someone put it) that got her noticed.  The story goes that John Lennon introduced her to the Beatles’ manager Brian Epstein.  The rest, as they say, is history.  Managed by Epstein, she became the first female artist to top the British singles chart in three years when Anyone who had a Heart (a Bacharach/David song written for Dionne Warwick) hit the number one spot.  Dionne Warwick’s, arguably better, version got no higher than number eight.
On the back of this chart success, Cilla was given her own prime time Saturday evening show by the BBC.  This, however, was not unusual at the time; any young, attractive, female singer with a modicum of chart success seemed to get that gig – Kathy Kirby, Petula Clark, Dusty Springfield, Sandie Shaw, Clodagh Rodgers and Lulu all had their own Saturday night series.  Where Cilla differed from them all was her personality.  The others sang their songs, did a duet with that week’s guest star and did little else.  Cilla showed a good intuition for comedy and, while the singing still provided the bulk of the content, the show featured some items to use this side of her talent.  She had a natural rapport with people and a section of the show had her chatting to members of the public on the street.
Eventually, singing would take a back seat and she became a presenter of programmes such as Blind Date and Surprise Surprise.
Why are you telling us all this, I hear you asking.  Well, there is one thing that has always puzzled me about Cilla Black – the name.  Her name.  Her real name was (Pris)cilla White, so why did anyone think it important to change it?  Fair enough if it had been altered to something a bit showbizzy, but White to Black?  I have never understood the reasoning…
Hmm, Green doesn’t sound right, let’s call you Brown.
Hmm, Jones doesn’t sound right, let’s call you Smith.
Hmm, McKenzie doesn’t sound right, let’s call you McKechnie.
You get the picture.  As far as I can recall, there were no singers at the time called White, so it wasn’t done to prevent confusing her with someone else.
Of course, changing a person’s name when they enter the business known as show is nothing new.  Would Cary Grant have seemed so debonair as Archie Leach?  Would Boris Karloff have been as menacing if he was still plain old Bill Pratt?  Would Judy Garland have become a star as Frances Gumm?  Certainly, we could never imagine John Wayne as a screen tough guy if he had kept the name Marion Morrison.  What were his parents thinking?
Often names are changed to hide a person’s roots.  Perhaps anti-Semitism was still rife when Issur Danielovitch changed his name to Kirk Douglas.  Or maybe it was simply too awkward a name for people to remember.  See also, Bernard Schwartz (Tony Curtis), Benjamin Cubelski (Jack Benny), Doris Kappelhoff (Doris Day), Carole Klein (Carole King), etc. etc.
A lot of people from an Italian background have done well in showbiz.  Many don’t change their names – Frank Sinatra, Robert de Nero, Al(fredo) Pacino – but many have done.  I think Dino Crocetti sounds okay, but Dino himself preferred Dean Martin, although he still liked the Dino part of his name.  How about Waldon Cassotto?  He preferred Bobby Darin.  Dion DiMucci didn’t exactly change his name; he simply dropped the surname.  What was wrong with Tony Benedetto, Mr Bennett?  Obviously Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew Nicolas didn’t want to cash in on his uncle’s name when he changed his surname from Coppola to Cage.  And you can’t get more Italian sounding than Anna Italiano, so perhaps Anne Bancroft was a better choice.  Incidentally, she was married to Melvin Kaminsky, better known as Mel Brooks.
Sometimes, though, a person’s name would just not lend itself to being up in lights.  Diana Fluck, for example.  That wouldn’t do at all.  How often might a typesetter on a newspaper ‘inadvertently’ forget to put in the ‘l’?  Diana Dors sounds much better.  She used to tell a lovely story relating to her real name.  It may or not be true; you know what ectaws are like when it comes to anecdotes.  Anyway, back in the days when she was seen as Britain’s answer to Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jeanne Mortenson) or Jayne Mansfield (Vera Palmer), she was hired as a special guest to open a village fete (or something) and there was some delay to the actual ceremony.  During this period, she got talking to the man tasked with introducing her to the gathered crowd.  They got on to the topic of her name and she told him that her real surname was Fluck.  When the time came for the opening, the man got up and addressed the people…
‘… I would like to introduce you to our special guest today, Miss Diana Dors (Applause).  Now, Miss Dors was telling me while we were waiting to open the fete that her name isn’t really Dors; it is, in fact, Clunt.’
Well, I liked it.

…..oooOooo…..

Any birthdays to celebrate this week?  Which famous folk came into this world on the 15th of August?  Napoleon Bonaparte 1769 (Inventor of wee man syndrome), Walter Scott 1771 (Terry’s dad), James Keir Hardie 1856 (First Labour MP – now more famous for spinning in his grave), Wendy Hiller 1912 (Fell-walking actress), Robert Bolt 1924 (Door fitting), Oscar Peterson 1925 (Ivory tickler), Nick Roeg 1928 (Anagram), Jim Dale 1935 (Hengist Pod’s pal Horsa – One for all you Carry On buffs there), Peter York 1942 (Drum basher), Jimmy Webb 1946 (Original Spiderman), Tony Robinson 1946 (I have a cunning plan, my lord), Stieg Larsson 1954 (Driver on Top Gear) and Benjamin Geza Affleck-Boldt 1972 (No wonder he shortened that name).
Anyone in amongst that lot able to give us a toon worth gramblerising?  Yes indeedy.  Peter York was the drummer in the Spencer Davis Group – fronted by Stevie Winwood.  Remember them?  If so, you will probably remember this hit…
And I'm
So glad you made it
So glad you made it
You gotta
Gimme some gramblin'
Gimme some gramblin'
Gimme some gramblin' everyday

…..oooOooo…..

How did The Grambler’s predicting skills fare last week?  We won.  Yay!  No, not yay, because we only got £1.21 back from our £2.20 stake.  So 99 pees down for our first bet of the new footie season.  Oh well.  So, what happened?

Birmingham vs Reading – Prediction Home win
Result – Birmingham 2 Reading 1
Yay!
Tomasz Kuszczak saved a last-minute penalty as Birmingham City held on to secure a dramatic victory against Reading at St Andrew's.
David Cotterill put Blues in front with a wildly deflected free-kick which beat Reading keeper Jonathan Bond.
Jon Toral doubled the hosts' advantage after the restart when he leapt to head home a Clayton Donaldson cross.
Ex Motherwell striker, Nick Blackman nodded the visitors back in it, but Kuszczak saved Orlando Sa's penalty after Simon Cox was fouled.
Birmingham went ahead after Paul McShane brought down Clayton Donaldson and Cotterill fired home the free-kick.
Debutant Toral put Birmingham 2-0 up after smart link-up play with Donaldson allowed him to head past Bond.
Reading were back in it soon afterwards when Chris Gunter fired a cross towards Blackman, who headed the ball past Blues debutant Kuszczak.
Deep into added time, Cox was brought down by David Davis in the box and Kuszczak coolly saved Sa's weak spot-kick.

Blackburn vs Wolves – Prediction Home win
Result – Blackburn 1 Wolves 2
Boo!
A controversial winning goal just before half-time gave Wolves a victory at Blackburn.
Midfielder Dave Edwards appeared to divert Nouha Dicko's cross with a hand to give the visitors the lead.
Wolves had recovered from a slow start to lead through Benik Afobe, who collected Edwards' flick-on and finished past goalkeeper David Raya.
Rovers levelled when Carl Ikeme palmed in Craig Conway's (Russ’s lad) shot, but the hosts could not force a second equaliser.

Fleetwood vs Southend – Prediction Home win
Result – Fleetwood 1 Southend 1
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
David Worrall's goal six minutes from time earned promoted Southend a point at Fleetwood.
Declan McManus (What?  The Declan McManus?  Elvis Costello?  Oh.  Different spelling.), signed from Aberdeen in May, led a break to put Fleetwood ahead from 25 yards and Jamille Matt's header almost doubled the lead.
McManus struck the woodwork moments later but the visitors rallied late on.
In their first League One outing since 2010, they celebrated wildly when Worrall's floated ball from the left evaded everyone to nestle in the net.

Swindon vs Bradford – Prediction Home win
Result – Swindon 4 Bradford 1
Yay!
Swindon's Nathan Byrne scored a 16-minute hat-trick as the Robins come back from a goal down to beat Bradford.
The visitors went ahead early on when Josh Morris struck, before Billy Clarke's poor penalty was saved.
After the break, Byrne curled in his first before his close range finish under goalkeeper Ben Williams put the hosts in the lead.
Byrne's third came after a mazy dribble and striker Jon Obika secured three points when he slotted home the fourth.

Accrington vs Luton – Prediction Away win
Result – Accrington 1 Luton 1
Ooh! ‘It the bar!
Jonathan Smith scored a fortunate injury-time equaliser for Luton at Accrington to rescue a point on the opening day of League Two.
Hatters debutant Craig Mackail-Smith's shot cannoned off Smith's back and into the net.
Smith had earlier conceded a penalty for a foul on Josh Windass, who stepped up to put Accrington ahead in the 61st minute.
Luton's Paul Benson could have scored a winner, but saw his shot blocked.
All together now… Everybody Stanley.  Keep it in the family… etc. etc.
Let’s see if we can improve on two out of five this week, Saturday the 15th of August.  There are 55 senior games in the English and Scottish leagues kicking off at 3pm.  So without further delay, here are the Grambler predictions for this week…

Game – Result  – Odds
Sunderland vs Norwich – Prediction Home win – 6/4
Fulham vs Brighton – Prediction Home win – 6/4
Bury vs Swindon – Prediction Home win – 13/10
Yeovil vs Bristol Rovers – Home win – 8/5
Clyde vs Queen’s Park – Prediction Home win – 10/11

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…
£25.39
Hmm.  Another big total.  Big totals are not good news.  Long odds, you see.  Well, it’s all about random gambling, isn’t it?  So, go for it.  Why not?

…..oooOooo…..

It’s Teaser time.  Yay!  Last week I asked you which club moved to its present ground from Boothferry Park in 2002?  The answer is, that unique team, Hull City.  What do you mean, why are they unique?  Haven’t you read Why Hull City are unique ?  Well, you should.
And now, a teaser for this week.  A Premiershit question for you.  Why is season 1994-95 unique in the Premiershit?  Clue: final placings.  A good un there, I reckon.

…..oooOooo…..

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to Messrs A. Buxton and J. Cornish for a rather unusual impression of Cilla Black on Blind Date.  It’s one of those things that some would consider hilarious while others struggle to see the joke.  I hope it gives you a lorra lorra laughs.

Happy grambling.


Saturday 8 August 2015

Week 1 - That's not my Grambler


Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

 

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

 

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


 

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Before I begin this week’s (g)ramble, may I be the first to wish you all a happy new year?  Yes, this week is the beginning of a brand new grambling year.  Yay!  The new footie season has started.  Yay!  And it’s the start of a brand new betting season for The Grambler.  Yay!  He/she/it will predict loads of correct results to make us all rich… Erm, don’t think so.  Well, at least we haven’t got to bet on smelly old horses.  Yay! [Just smelly footballers. – Ed.] 

Of course, the 2015-16 season actually began last weekend, but if you live anywhere other than Scotland, you probably wouldn’t have been aware of the fact.  The Scottish Premier League kicked off last week and I am pleased to say Motherwell took three points when they absolutely annihilated Inverness Caley Thistle one nil.  Yay!  I shall be at Fir Park this afternoon, cheering the lads on.  All together now… Well shake it up baby.  Twist and shout…etc. etc.

 

And so on with this week’s edition of thegrambler.com…

 

Angel baby bear bunny car cow dinosaur dolly donkey dragon duck elephant fairy fox frog goat hamster kitten lamb lion meerkat mermaid monkey monster owl panda penguin piglet polar bear reindeer robot santa snowman teddy tiger tractor train truck.

[Nurse…He’s flipped again.  Time to increase the medication. – Ed.]

No, no, no.  It’s a list.  An alphabetical list.  [Obviously. – Ed.]  I will explain.  If you could make money from producing something really simple, how would go about continuing making money once demand for that simple idea has stopped?  Easy.  Repeat the exercise with barely any change.

Of course it helps if you aim said product at the most gullible, easily manipulated customer base.  What am I talking about?  Manipulative marketing aimed at children.  That’s what.

Think Barry Porter* – A story about a boy wizard.  Kids read the book and liked it so much that they demanded more.  Well, that’s what the marketing people would like you to think.  However, it is more likely that the success of the book made the publishers think, ‘Aye aye, there’s money to be made’ so they get old J. R. Hartley to write another and another and another… Who cares that the stories barely differ, this is a cash cow to be milked dry.  Do you see what I did there?

Do you remember Beano Babies*?  They were basically little cuddly toys, but the scheming manufacturers realised that they were selling rather well so came up with a very cunning plan… They would kid the buyers (mainly children old enough to understand) that these beanbags with legs were worth collecting.  And so, they ‘limited’ the numbers of each one to help further the idea of collectability, but produced many different forms.  To date, there have been over 2000 different types.  I don’t know the original price, but I am guessing that there would been little change from a fiver.  So, if you had been duped by the hype and did try to buy each and every ‘collectable’ bean bag, you (or, more likely, your parents) would have forked out over ten grand.

One of the best scams, sorry, crazes for kids has been the Panono* sticker album.  Each year, new sticker albums are published and come with a few sample stickers.  Usually, the topic is football, so the target is, most definitely, boys.  The album and these initial few stickers are not expensive.  However, to get all the stickers for the book would be far from cheap.  It always seemed to me that a few stickers were ‘held back’ to encourage youngsters to keep on spending their pocket money.  Or is that just me being a little cynical?

It was always the way.  When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time. – Ed.] we kids were encouraged to buy cards.  Like Panono*, there was a set to collect which, no matter how hard you tried and how much pocket money you wasted, you never quite seemed to complete.  Presumably, in those days, it was considered wrong to simply sell a packet with a few cards, so each pack was sold as chewing gum and the cards came free.  The fact that the gum was about an inch square by a sixteenth of an inch thick (25 mm x 25mm x 1.5mm for those of you who prefer using S.I. units) should have made us realise that we were being ripped off.  I remember sets such as British footballers – Ian Ure, Ian St John and Jim Baxter were there, the American Civil War – you used to get ‘confederate’ banknotes as an added attraction and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.  You can tell I had a sixties childhood.

So what about that list which began this week’s (g)ramble?  Well, that is a list of subjects in a series of books aimed at babies.  Each book takes one of these 38 (and counting) topics and has as its title ‘That’s not my…     Each book has no more than half a dozen pages, each page having a picture of the said topic with words along the lines of ‘That’s not my puppy (say)… its paws are too rough’.  The next few pages have other doggie type pictures with various other things being not quite right, until on the final page the words say ‘That’s my puppy… its ears (I said ears) are so shaggy.’  Not the most intriguing storyline, admittedly.  Since the books are aimed at an extremely young audience which is just getting some sort of stimulation from feeling different surfaces, you would think that one of the type would be sufficient.  But no, the publisher has seen and tapped into a market which shouldn’t exist and has managed to get nearly forty ‘titles’ into the bookshops.  Each one is sold at £4 a pop so the dosh must be rolling in or they wouldn’t keep issuing new titles.  Who is buying them all?  I reckon the parents of the infants of today are those that bought the Beano Babies* in the nineties.  I reckon they still have the ‘must collect the whole set’ mentality.  There is no other way to explain it.

 

*Names changed for legal reasons.  In other words, don’t sue me.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this week?  Which famous folk came into this world on the 8th of August?  Esther Williams 1923 (Not our Esther; this is the swimmy woman), Terry Nation 1930 (Sacked by Tony Hancock, so he was in good company), Keith Barron 1934 (Ectaw, dear leddie), Dustbin Hoffman 1937 (Are you trying to sedooce me, Mrs Robinson?), Nigel Mansell 1954 (moustachioed racey car bloke), Chris Foreman 1956 (Who? Chrissie Boy from off of Madness), Dave Evans 1961 (Who?  The Edge from off of U2.  You know, the baldy one who won’t ever take his hat off.), Chris Eubank 1966 (Boxy bloke.  I could have made a joke about his speech impediment there, but that would be a cruel thing to do.  As cruel as some wag at the Beeb Beeb Ceeb who booked him to present Top of the Pops the very week that he had to introduce an act thus… ‘And at number six, its Suggs with Cecilia.’  Now, that is just taking the pith.) and Roger Federer 1981 (Tennisy bloke).

Anyone in amongst that lot able to give us a toon worth gramblerising?  I think so.  Step up Chrissie Boy from Madness who enjoys a certain activity in his motor vehicle…

I like grambling in my car, it don't look much but I've been far
I like grambling in my car, even with a flat tyre
I like grambling in my car, it's not quite a jaguar
I like grambling in my car, I'm satisfied I've got this far

[I say, steady on. – Ed.]

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

How did The Grambler’s predicting skills fare last week?  We lost.  Not a penny back.  Zilch.  Zip. In fact, rugger ball.  Well, that’s the cuddies for you.  Never mind, this week the footie season starts proper with 54 senior games in the English and Scottish leagues kicking off at 3pm on this Saturday, the 8th of August.  So without further ado, here are the first Grambler predictions for this new grambling year…


Game – Result  – Odds

Birmingham vs Reading – Home win – 29/20

Blackburn vs Wolves – Home win – 6/4

Fleetwood vs Southend – Home win – 27/20

Swindon vs Bradford – Home win – 29/20

Accrington vs Luton – Away win – 7/5


…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…

£28.72

Oh dear.  As I said last week - save your money.  Actually, it looks as if the bookies don’t have much of a clue.  Practically all the ‘run of the mill’** games have much the same odds.  Why is that?  New season, perhaps.  Not sure how teams will start – some may take a few games to get into their stride, others will be ‘firing on all cylinders’** from the beginning. 


** I do apologise for lapsing into football cliché mode.

 

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

It’s Teaser time.  Yay!  Last week I told you that the 1982 Southampton team included Mick Channon, Alan Ball, Peter Shilton, Kevin Keegan, Mark Wright and Dave Watson and asked you what they all have in common?  They all captained the England team at some point in their international careers.

One for this week?  How about a football ground question?  Which club moved to its present ground from Boothferry Park in 2002?  Easy peasy.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr W. Rushton for a less than topical cartoon from Private Eye in 1962.  Earlier, I mentioned that Terry Nation had been fired by Tony Hancock and that he was in good company.  Hancock was a talented comedian very popular on radio during the 1950s and, after moving to TV, appeared in some of the most famous sitcoms yet made – The Blood Donor, The Radio Ham and The Bowmen amongst them.  Unfortunately, he had a huge ego and thought he could manage without the people who helped him achieve stardom.  This cartoon by Willie Rushton sums the man up well…



 

 

Happy grambling.