Sunday 23 May 2021

Post 411 - A mobile gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

I've started getting annoying phone calls again. I know I've commented on such a thing before, but this time is a bit different as it is now my mobile phone which is receiving the calls. This is a recent phenomenon and I can only assume that some company which has asked for my mobile number in the past has now sold it on.

Sadly, some companies insist on a mobile number when you buy something from them so that they can contact you by text... aye, sure. Get more money by selling it to any old hobbledehoy that wants it, more like. It was bad enough getting calls from double glazing companies and the like on my landline. I avoided answering them if I could, now I've got twice as many to avoid answering.

Ah, I hear you say, numbers show up on a mobile phone when you receive a call. True, but it is still annoying.

I tend not to answer them but sometimes curiosity gets the better of me... What if it is an important call from the NHS? I get them a lot at my age. They always have unrecognisable numbers, so I sometimes do answer the call only to be informed that I have been selected to take part in a survey regarding the double glazing in my house. Doh! Caught out again.

I have the answer. [You bloody would have. - Ed.] Well, I have an answer. Change your phone number. Yep. Get a new phone number from your provider. How? Actually, I don't know. Tell them that you are getting nuisance calls or something. Anyway, before cancelling your old number, inform all the important numbers in your phone book of your new number. Clever, huh? A bit time consuming, though. You'd have to select and write down all those numbers you wish to keep. Hang on, I hear you say, you can transfer numbers from one phone to another with a simple touch of the right button. Hmm... I've made a simple touch of the wrong button too often to trust that one. Write them down somewhere safe. At least the nuisance calls should end.*

What has prompted this sudden interest in cold calling avoidance, you may be asking. Well, the other day there was a call from a number I did not recognise. As is my wont, I did not answer it. Unusually, this caller left a message. I listened to it and discovered it was from a delivery company who wanted instructions of where to deliver my new furniture. As I hadn't actually ordered any new furniture, I thought it only right that I phoned them back to put them straight.

Any road up, to cut a long story short, I now have a lovely new three-piece suite.

Sometimes it pays to answer these calls.

Of course I didn't take delivery of someone else's furniture. What do you take me for? Mind you...

*[What a palaver!  You could just block the number. - Ed.]

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 22nd of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Arthur Conan Doyle 1859 - Writer and physician. His most famous character was undoubtedly Sherlock Holmes; he appeared in over 60 stories.

Baden Baden-Powell 1860 - Robert’s little bro. Military aviation pioneer.

Percy Sillitoe 1888 - Director general of MI5 from 1946 to 1953.

Jeanne de Casalis 1897 - Actress. Created a popular radio comic character called Mrs Feather. She even published a book called ‘Mrs Feather’s Diary’. There you go, even 80 odd years ago stars were cashing in on their fame.

Binnie Hale 1899 - Ectress, singer end dahncer. Hyah she sings Spread a Little Heppiness.

Tom Driberg 1905 - Journalist, politician, churchman and possible Soviet spy.

Laurence Olivier 1907 - Ectaw dear leddie. Won the best actor Oscar for Hamlet. [With the emphasis on ‘ham’. - Ed.] Won twice as many Razzies as worst actor in Inchon and The Jazz Singer.

Cecil McGovern 1907 - Controller of the Beeb Beeb Ceeb telly service from 1950 to 1957.

Rupert Davies 1916 - Actor. Played Maigret in... Maigret. He was also the voice of Joe 90’s dad.

Yvette Rees 1924 - Jobbing actress. Alexa Kovics in 199 Park Lane.

Eric Delaney 1924 - Drummer and bandleader. Here he is Rockin' the Tymps.  Yeah, dig that crazy beat, daddio.

Kenny Ball 1930 - Trumpeter and bandleader. Here is a moderately successful toon from 1961, Midnight in Moscow. My dad had that record, I'm sure.

Don Estelle 1933 - Actor and singer. Best known as ‘Lofty’ in It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum. The name came from his less than lofty stature - 4 feet 9 inches. He had a hit, you know. Here’s Whispering Grass.

John Nolan 1938 - Jobbing actor. Fredericks in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight Rises.

Bruce Rowland 1941 - Drummer with The Grease Band and Fairport Convention. Here’s an instrumental piece called Cropredy Capers.

Menzies Campbell 1941 - Politician.

Cavan Kendall 1942 - Actor. Started out as a child actor and played Peter in a 1957 series of The Railway Children.

George Best 1946 - The greeardest foody bluck the wurlled has eyerver knooen.

G. F. Newman 1946 - orfer and television producer. Judge John Deed, he wrote that.

Howard Kendall 1946 - Footy bloke.

Cheryl Campbell 1949 - Actress. Eileen in Pennies from Heaven. Her.

Bernie Taupin 1950 - Lyricist for Elton John. Time for a clip. Guess who is singing. Yes, it’s Bernie with Monkey On My Back (The Last Run).

Paul Mariner 1953 - Footy bloke.

Peter Bazalgette 1953 - TV executive.

Jerry Dammers 1955 - A Special. Here’s an early outing on The Old Grey Whistle Test with A Message To You Rudy.

Dale Winton 1955 - Orange television presenter.

Denise Welch 1958 - Actress. Now a loose woman.

Morrisey 1959 - Singer, songwriter and author. A clip? Why not. Here’s You Have Killed Me.

Graham Fellows aka John Shuttleworth aka Jilted John 1959 - Comedy actor and musician. You would like another clip? Of course you would. Here’s I can't go back to savoury now.

Jon Sopel 1959 - TV correspondent. Currently, Beeb Beeb Ceeb’s North America Editor.

Mark Farmer 1962 - Actor and musician. Gary Hargreaves in Grange Hill. Him.

David Schneider 1963 - Actor, comedian, writer and director. He wrote The Death of Stalin.

Naomi Campbell 1970 - Clothes horse.

Stephen Walters 1975 - Actor. Angus Mhor in Outlander. Him.

Tom Chambers 1977 - Actor. Inspector (now chief inspector) Sullivan in Father Brown. Him.

Katie Price 1978 - Media personality (it says here).

Sara Pascoe 1981 - Comedian, actor and writer.

Edward Bluemel 1993 - Actor. Hugo in Killing Eve. Him.

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Menzies and Naomi Grampbell,

How nice that you as father and daughter have the same birthday.

I have followed your career as a model for many years now. It must have been really embarrassing for you when you tripped on the catwalk that time.

Naomi, you might be best advised to not follow your dad into a career in modelling. I believe you used to be a pop singer. Didn’t you do a version of a T. Rex song?

Yours with oodles of love,

Ryder Whyte-Swann.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? Even worse than the previous week. Two out of five correct predictions. How much did we win? 78 pees. Rubbish, or what? You should never back your own team to win, that’s all I’m saying. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Southampton vs Fulham - Home win

Result - Southampton 3 Fulham 1

Yay!

Che ‘Grizzly’ Adams had punished poor set-piece defending to sweep Saints ahead with an instinctive half-volley when the Cottagers allowed James ‘Darth Vader’ Ward-Prowse's free-kick to bounce in the six-yard box.

Nathan ‘Fortune’ Tella's strike to make it 2-0 was not the only milestone for a young player on show as Fulham teenager Fabio ‘Fly’ Carvalho drilled in off the crossbar to score on his first Premier League start.

But the 18-year-old's effort could not prevent another loss for Fulham.

Southampton sealed victory in the closing stages as Adams and Tella combined to set up Theo ‘Brick’ Walcott, whose shot looped home via a slight deflection.

 

Hibs vs Celtic - Away win

Result - Hibs 0 Celtic 0

Ooh! 'It the bar!

Hibs defender Darren ‘Mister’ McGregor headed over from a corner kick, but it was a rare chance amidst one-way traffic from the visitors.

Callum ‘Missus’ McGregor and ex-Motherwell striker David Turnbull peppered the goal from distance, and Mohamed ‘Jay Kay’ Elyounoussi had an early chance cleared off the line, as well as another tipped away after rounding the goalkeeper.

And Elyounoussi again went close when he spun away from David ‘Babylon’ Gray but goalkeeper Ofir ‘Rocky’ Marciano tipped his low shot past a post.

Further efforts from Ryan ‘Agatha’ Christie and Odsonne ‘Percy’ Edouard kept Marciano busy, but still they could not find the breakthrough.

Elyounoussi was lively for the visitors and hammered a shot on target which the goalkeeper got behind, but the second 45 was a quieter affair in both boxes.

James ‘Epping’ Forrest had the best of the late chances for Celtic when he stole into the box, but Marciano was quick to save at his feet.

And Jackson ‘River’ Irvine could have snatched the three points for Hibs, but shot over inside the box in the final minutes. [Sounds rather messy. - Ed.]

 

St. Johnstone vs Livingstone - Home win

Result - St. Johnstone 0 Livingstone 0

Ooh!  'It the bar again!

Stevie ‘Cumquat’ May had the hosts’ only shot on target, connecting relatively well with a volley, but Max ‘Red’ Stryjek dealt with it comfortably.

Jay ‘Black’ Emmanuel-Thomas tried his luck at the other end shortly after, with Zdenek Zlamal (Winner of this week’s Cracking Name of the Week award.) at full stretch to tip his effort around a post. That was Livingston's only touch inside the St Johnstone area in the first 70 minutes.

The only clear chance of the match fell to Jaze ‘Hackney’ Kabia, who robbed Shaun ‘Wean’ Rooney in his own box and fired an effort at Zlamal, who parried back towards the Livingston winger.

But, just as it looked as though Kabia would get a second bite at it, in came a clattering challenge from Jason ‘Deborah’ Kerr. Kabia beat the turf in pain, but referee Craig Napier saw nothing wrong with the tackle.

Livingston were in the ascendancy in the closing stages, but they failed to really trouble the St Johnstone back line.

 

Hamilton vs Kilmarnock - Away win

Result - Hamilton 0 Kilmarnock 2

Yay!

The Ayrshire side held up their end of things by coasting into a comfortable lead, with Mitch ‘Doug’ Pinnock evading his marker to tap home on nine minutes after a superb delivery by Ross ‘Karen’ Millen.

The Englishman then showed good composure to roll in his second and finish off a rapid counter attack, after a clever pass from Alan ‘Turbo’ Power.

His afternoon was blemished by a missed penalty, though, as Hamilton's 19-year-old goalkeeper Jamie ‘Gun’ Smith made a fine save on his debut after Kyle ‘Zabute’ Lafferty was brought down midway through the second period.

 

Motherwell vs Ross County - Home win

Result - Motherwell 1 Ross County 2

Boo!

Early on, the home side got their noses in front when a cross deflected on to the thigh of the on-rushing Sam ‘Care’ Foley, who did not know much about it, but claimed the opening goal.

Moments later the ball fell kindly in the box for County’s Jordan ‘Lily’ White, but he volleyed his shot off the top of the bar.

It was looking like a frustrating afternoon for Ross County, but they took control of the contest in the second half.

It began with (ex-Motherwell man) Ian ‘Tiger’ Vigurs conjuring up a special strike to level.  After an exchange of passes, the County captain curled a delightful left-foot shot around the goalkeeper.  Boo!

Stephen ‘Ma’ Kelly could have made it 2-1 but swiped fresh air when a low cross was played into his path.  But County kept pressing and Michael ‘Come-into-the’ Gardyne latched on to a through ball and made no mistake, finishing inside the near post to give County their lead. Double boo!

 

Well, that will teach The Grambler to pick on my team to win.  Kiss of death, that is.  So, onto this weekend and we have only the Premier League and some playoffs to pick from.  Let’s concentrate on the Premier League games, shall we?  All games take place on Sunday at 4pm.  What has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Arsenal vs Brighton - Home win - 4/7

Aston Villa vs Chelsea - Away win - 9/20

Fulham vs Newcastle - Home win - 21/20

Leicester vs Tottenham - Home win - Evens

West Ham vs Southampton - Home win - 13/20

Oh dear. Don’t like the look of some of those.

Any road up, the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£9.44

Decidedly unwhopping, I reckon.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay!  How did you get on with last week’s five questions?  Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

 

This one was chosen by Mrs G...

I was born in 1951 in Cleland, Lanarkshire.  My senior career began at Morton in 1968, but was signed by Leeds in 1970 where I earned a reputation as a ‘hard man’.  In 170 appearances, I scored 35 goals. In 1978 I moved to Manchester United and played 109 games and scored 37 goals.  In 1981 I was signed to Milan.  In 1983 I was briefly at Hellas Verona before moving back to Britain to play for Southampton before finishing my playing career at Bristol City.  I was capped 52 times for Scotland and have the distinction of being the only Scot to have scored in three World Cups.

Answer - Joe Jordan

Incidentally, I gleaned the information above from Wikipedia (The go-to library of choice, these days).  When I typed his name into the search bar, this is what came up...

 


And it’s absolutely true... unless you treat the second word as its older ‘questionable parentage’ meaning, that is.  The point is made quite succinctly... You wouldn't want to mess with Joe.

2. By what name were Manchester United known until 1902?

Answer - Newton Heath LYR

3. Which player from Netherlands has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Robin van Persie (144 goals)

4. This year’s Champions League final is between Manchester City and Chelsea; which player has scored the most goals (6) in the competition so far?

Answer - Olivier Geroud

5. Another silly question to finish. How many teams in the current English and Scottish senior leagues have the letters ‘ing’ (in that order) in their name?

Answer - 7 (Reading, Nottingham Forest, Birmingham City, Gillingham, Accrington Stanley, Livingston and Stirling Albion)

Some for this week? Yes, indeedy...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Milan in 1968. I joined Milan aged 10 and spent seven years in the youth squad before progressing to the senior squad where I remained for 25 seasons making 902 appearances in all competitions.  I was also capped 126 times for Italy.   I now work as technical director for guess which club... Milan, of course.

2. St. Johnstone today won the Scottish Cup making them only the second Scottish club to win two trophies in a season (other than Rangers and Celtic, of course).  Which is that other club?

3. Sergio Agüero has been with Manchester City for 10 years; which club is he moving to?

4. What was the name of the club which won the first F.A. Cup?

5. A silly one to finish.  How many teams in the English and Scottish senior leagues have pairs of letters in their names?  Whatever do you mean, I hear you ask.  Well, take the word English; it has none.  However, the word Scottish has one.  Do you see?  Have fun.

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you.  Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Miss S. Pascoe, one of our birthday celebrants.   Sara Pascoe is a very talented comedian and a very intelligent person, so I thought we should end this week with a few quotes from her.   Hopefully, they will make you think.

The definition of comedy is 'unsafe space' - you can't control what people laugh at.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon.  If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then you’ve lost a pigeon.

I bought some glasses.  My observational comedy improved.

Belief is invisible, so there is enough space for everyone's.  Except in the shops at Christmas.

Even quicker than the development of super-technology is the human adaptation to taking it for granted.  We live in a world where regular people converse publicly with an inanimate object and escape Bedlam or a dunking.

After an afternoon of interviewing Siri it turns out there are millions of questions that it can't or won't answer: How did you get my phone number?  How many Siris are there?  Did you have a Christmas party?  Who is playing the tiny xylophone before and after each interaction?  Are you spying on us, plotting the downfall of our species?

So why don't all religions get together and go to war with atheists?  Because we all want the same thing: respect and tolerance and not to be forced to do anything we don't want to.

As an adult, my hero is my dog, Mouse.  He is so friendly to everyone he meets.  He wags his tail and loves everyone, like Jesus!

I went to Paris. Nothing funny happened there.  ‘But Sara, why are you telling us this?’  Because otherwise that trip is not tax deductable.

Uber is pitched to you to make you feel safer, they put a little picture of the Uber driver on there so you know who’s coming to pick you up.  But the Uber drivers, as a funny prank, have taken the scariest photographs that they can. That must’ve been a competition.

You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.

I don’t like art. I think art is rubbish.  I think a lot of people think art is rubbish, but we’re worried about looking stupid so we go along with it.

I’ve never enjoyed going to the hairdresser’s.  It’s all, ‘oh yeah, those ends are dry, very dry’, and my personal favourite: ‘this really needs a cut.’  Oh, well I don’t suppose you could recommend a hairdresser?  You’re one?!  What a coincidence!  I just came in to look in the mirror backwards.

And finally...

If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Friday 14 May 2021

Post 410 - A spring gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

The spring has sprung,
The grass is riz,
I wonder where the birdies is,
The bird is on the wing, they say,
But that is absurd,
The wing is on the flipping bird.

That was a favourite little rhyme that my dad used to tell us... over and over. Again and again. Year in, year out. Oh how we laughed. Or rather, we didn’t. As soon as us kids saw the first leaves on the trees, we knew what was coming... that dreadful rhyme.

Why do I mention this? Because it is indeed that time of year. And we, that is Mrs G and I, are on the flight path again. You what? Every spring it's the same. Those defacating machines known as birds are using my garden as an air route to... who knows where?

There is a four feet wide line of bird poo in my garden. It runs from one corner to the opposite diagonal corner. The same line is also strewn with moss and twigs. Obviously, the birdies are nest building and are trying to cram too much into their beaks on each pass they make. But do they come and clear up when they have dropped anything? No, they just leave it behind for me to clean up. Feathered friends? Not in my book, matey; dumping their avian poo and detritus (That's a good word. Must look it up.) everywhere.

Now, I understand that they have to either make a nest or refurbish last year's model, but where are they getting their material and where are they taking it? The reason I ask is that to the front of the house there are houses just like mine and to the back... more houses. Birds tend to make their nests in trees, do they not? Or hedges. So, where are they?

Given that sphagnum moss grows in places such as trees, why do these feathered poo droppers have to carry the stuff a great distance to make a nest? Why can't they make their nest nearer the source, such as in the tree where they flaming well found the stuff. Surely, that would be the most sensible option.

Any bird watchers out there... sorry, birders, as you apparently like to be known... may say the text which follows is totally wrong and simplistic. But, in my defence, it is written by a simpleton for the world's greatest ill-informed blog. Accuracy is not its strongest attribute.

Birds are not renowned for their brain power, are they? I mean what's with this migration lark? Birds are known to fly 6000 miles from a summer habitat (such as Britain) to another summer habitat (such as Africa). Very commendable, I'm sure, but they do this journey in a single flight. Now, I'm assuming that the birds making the flight can gauge the point at which they should move on. I'm guessing that there is a serious reduction in the temperature which prompts them to abandon their home and head south... or north, depending on which season we are discussing here.

Why the single jaunt? If the temperature drops why must they move all the way to another continent? Couldn't they just head to the south coast for a bit and, if the temperature drops further, then make another flight to, say, the South of France? I'm told it's very nice down there.

Since they don't do that, we humans shouldn't be saying that migratory birds are anything special because they make this marathon flight. Why not, I hear you ask. The answer is that they are only doing it because they are lazy. Yup. You read that correctly. Lazy.

Let me explain. In the spring, they turn up in Britain and build a nest. [And shit all over your garden. - Ed.] Indeed. Well, that must take a bit of doing... the nest building, not the pooing. No effort required for that. Any road up, presumably, when they fly south for the winter, they have to do the same nest building down there. With me so far? I'm guessing that they are thinking, sod this for a game of soldiers, twice a year is enough of this building malarkey for me. And that is the reason for the long haul flight. They can't be arsed with building more than a couple of nests a year. There you have it. Birds are lazy. [It's a different view, I'll give you that. - Ed.]

And another thing, their diagonal flight path over my garden perfectly mirrors the washing line. Blibbing ornithic intercontinental incontinents!


 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 15th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

George Jeffreys 1645 - Judge. Known as the Hanging Judge due to the severity of some of his sentencing. Most famous of the judgements he made are what became known as the Bloody Assizes where, of 1381 defendents tried for treason, around 170 were executed.

Frank Hornby 1863 - Toy inventor and businessman. He invented and made three of the 20th century’s most popular toys - Meccano, Hornby model railways and Dinky Toys.

Jimmy Wilde 1892 - Boxer. Now, I hate the ‘sport’ of boxing; to me, it is barbaric, but I have to admit that this guy’s statistics are impressive. He fought 149 times in a career lasting around 13 years, he won 137 of which 99 were by a knockout. He lost only three times and two of those were his last two bouts. Standing only 5 feet 2 inches, it is no wonder he was known as The Mighty Atom.

Eric Winter 1905 - Artist. You may not recognise his name, but I would wager that you have seen examples of his artwork. Did you ever read Ladybird books when you were young... That’s books published by Ladybird... not books about ladybirds. Ahem, anyway, the chances are that he was the man responsible for the pictures. In fact, here is an example...

Blasted birds sh*tt*ng on my washing again!

James Mason 1909 - Actor. He was in loads of films and TV series; 155 according to IMDb. He played Erwin Rommel in The Desert Fox, a role he reprised two years later in The Desert Rats. There was to be a third in the series but, sadly, The Desert Hamsters never saw the light of day.

Michael Barry 1910 - Television producer in the early days of the Beeb Beeb Ceeb. Famously oversaw the 1954 production of George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four which caused outrage due to its supposedly horrific scenes. Barry appeared on Panorama the night after the live screening to defend the production.

Norrie Paramor 1914 - Record producer, composer, arranger, pianist, bandleader and orchestral conductor. In fact, a right old smarty boots. He produced records for... deep breath... Cliff Richard, The Shadows, Ruby Murray, Eddie Calvert, Michael Holliday, Frank Ifield, The Mudlarks, The Avons and Ricky Valance. I think a clip is in order. Here’s a tune called Soul Coaxing.

Jack Watson 1915 - Actor. Andie in 1978’s Kidnapped and James Stewart in 1971’s Kidnapped... Hang on a mo. Factoid: He started his theatrical career as half of a double act with his father whose stage name was Nosmo King... Oh how we laughed.

Richard Tompkins 1918 - Print, advertising and retail entrepreneur. Who, I hear you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. He came up with the idea of Green Shield stamps. You what? Supermarkets would give out these trading stamps to customers. It was like a loyalty bonus; the more goods you bought, the more stamps you received. When you had licked enough stamps and filled enough books, you took them to the Green Shield Stamp shop to exchange them for goods. Britain loved such things in the sixties. I suppose it was better than those vouchers given with cigarettes; at least you didn’t have to give yourself lung disease to get hold of that carriage clock. Any road up, old Richard wasn’t so daft; he realised that supermarket bosses preferred their own loyalty schemes and were turning their backs on stamps. What did he do? He changed his shops that accepted stamps into shops that accepted dosh and renamed them Argos. The rest, as they say, is history.

Barbara Lott 1920 - Jobbing actress. Played Ronnie Corbett’s mum in Sorry! She was less than ten years older than him.

Anthony Shaffer 1926 - Playwright, screenwriter, novelist, barrister and advertising executive. In fact, another right old smarty boots. He wrote the long-running play Sleuth, which has had three film adaptations made of it. He was also the twin brother of...

Peter Shaffer 1926 - Playwright, screenwriter and novelist. His most famous works were probably Equus and Amadeus.

John Glen 1932 - Film director and editor. Directed the Roger Moore era Bond films.

Joseph Beltrami 1932 - Lawyer. Famous for being the defence lawyer in several high-profile cases in Glasgow.

George Roper 1934 - A non-pc comedian.

Ted Dexter 1935 - Crickety bloke. Known as Lord Ted.

Ralph Steadman 1936 - Illustrator? Cartoonist? Caricaturist? Erm... yes.

Lena Martell 1940 - Singer. She had a number one record, you know.  Here it is, One Day at a Time.  She’s still got one powerful voice.

Paul Shelley 1942 - Actor. Fred Simcock in Paradise Postponed. Him.

Tony Fernadez 1946 - Drummer. Once a Strawb, but usually associated with Rick Wakeman, having played for The English Rock Ensemble since 1975. A clip? Why not. Here’s a bit of Rick-type prog, Merlin the Magician

Rod Coombes 1946 - Drummer. Once a Strawb... Hang on a mo! Can you only get a job with the Strawbs if you were born on a particular day? Anyway, let’s have another clip. Here's Lemon Pie.  Not the most subtle of euphemisms.

Lucy Fleming 1947 - Sorry, a year too late to be a drummer with the Strawbs; you’ll just have to be an actress. Biggest role seems to have been Jenny Richards in the 1975-77 drama called Survivors. It told the story of those that survived a pandemic which wiped out 99% of the world’s population. Obviously, it was purely fictional...

Andy Latimer 1947 - Musician. The mainstay of Camel, one of my favourite bands from way back. Now, what about a clip... Here are some live excerpts from The Snow Goose album with Andy doing what he does best. Come on Andy, play that geetar.

Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno 1948 - Musician. One time Roxy Music keyboard wizard, now better known for his ambient style and producing other artists records. I think a clip is in order. Here’s The Big Ship. Not sure if it's sailing on the eely ally oh, though.

Mike Oldfield 1953 - Musician. Famously, wrote and recorded Tubular Bells playing all the instruments. It has sold over 15 million copies. Not bad for a teenager. A clip? Here’s a film of some of that album being played live with a few other musicians.  See if you can spot Steve Hillage. [Who? - Ed.] He’s the one with the tea cosy on his head.

Andrew Eldritch 1959 - A Sister of Mercy. He is the singer with that band which he has fronted since its formation in 1980. A clip? Why not. Here's Temple of Love

Julian Jarrold 1960 - TV and film director. Kinky Boots, that was one of his.

Greg Wise 1966 - Actor. John Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility. He met his future missus, Emma Thompson, while making that.

Sophie Raworth 1968 - Newsreader.

Martin Rossiter 1970 - Musician. He fronted the (not) Britpop band Gene from 1993 to their demise in 2004. Have a clip. Here's Haunted By You

Saira Khan 1970 - TV presenter.

Justin Moorhouse 1970 - Comedian. One of those faces that seems to be on TV a lot. He was Young Kenny in Phoenix Nights.

Nicola Walker 1970 - One of the UK’s most popular actresses. Anyone watching her first on-screen performances, as a dreadful folk singer in the film Fours Weddings and a Funeral, didn’t see that coming.

Danny Alexander 1972 - Politician.

Andy Day 1975 - Kids’ TV presenter.

Colin Hoult 1979 - Jobbing (comedy) actor. Played various celebs in Murder in Successville.

Andy Murray 1987 - Tennisy guy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter, possibly addressed to somebody whose birthday would have been today... had he not died over 40 years ago...

Dear Norrie Gramblemor,

I noticed among the acts produced by your good self, The Mudlarks. I believe they had a couple of hit records back in the 1950s. One was a cover of Lollipop; the next was also a cover version of an American song, but I can’t remember which one. Can you help?

Yours with sincerity,

Booker Love.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? Not quite as well as the previous week. Three out of five correct predictions. How much did we win? £1.92. Not even enough to recoup the stake money. What happened? Read on...

 

Carlisle vs Walsall - Home win

Result - Carlisle 0 Walsall 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Keeper Jack ‘Collumzan’ Rose stood between Carlisle and a first-half lead.

He kept out a close-range Jack ‘Knightin’ Armer header and rescued Sam ‘Katy’ Perry after a defensive blunder by saving Gime ‘Five’ Toure's shot from 12 yards.

Caolan ‘Wouldnitbe’ Lavery tested Paul Farman with a 20-yard shot after 23 minutes while Josh ‘Flash’ Gordon fired wide in a see-saw contest.

Rod ‘Jane’ McDonald, brought into the starting line-up after a pre-match injury to Aaron ‘Stirling’ Hayden, cleared Emmanuel Osadebe's shot from under his own bar as the game petered out into a tame draw.

 

Crawley vs Bolton - Away win

Result - Crawley 1 Bolton 4

Yay!

Antoni ‘Sarky’ Sarcevic smashed in the opening goal after cutting in from the right and beating two defenders and the outstanding Oladapo Afolayan's (contender for cracking name of the week) close-range finish made it 2-0.

Crawley were already being outclassed but their hopes of a dramatic fightback all but ended when George ‘John’ Francomb was sent off for receiving a second yellow card for hauling down Afolayan.

More great work by Afolayan and Sarcevic enabled Eoin ‘Popeye’ Doyle to make it 3-0 with a stylish first-time strike after the break.

Lloyd ‘Sbank’ Isgrove pounced on a defensive lapse to stride through and make it 4-0 to the win for the Trotters.

Crawley were rewarded for a spirited second-half display when Davide Rodari stroked home his side's only goal in the 89th minute.

 

Oldham vs Forest Green - Away win

Result - Oldham 0 Forest Green 3

Yay!

Rovers cut loose in the second half as Aaron ‘Joan’ Collins scored twice either side of an Odin ‘Old’ Bailey effort.

Oldham threatened twice when Dylan ‘The Rabbit’ Fage's 30-yard strike fizzed inches wide immediately after Alfie ‘Boe’ McCalmont's drive was bravely blocked by Jordan ‘Rogers’ Moore-Taylor.

Rovers looked edgy in the opening half-hour, but they almost struck when Bailey's angled effort just cleared the crossbar.

Shortly before the break, Callum ‘Kennedy’ Whelan sent Fage through one-on-one against Rovers’ goalkeeper Luke ‘Debbie’ McGee, but the Oldham wide man dragged his shot off-target.

Rovers finally struck in the 63rd minute when Collins slotted home a penalty after Kyle ‘John’ Jameson had tripped substitute Jayden ‘Miranda’ Richardson.

Two minutes later the lead was doubled, as Collins turned provider for Bailey to side-foot home from eight yards.

Carl ‘Orff’ Piergianni almost halved the hosts’ deficit in the 76th minute, but his header was superbly palmed around the post by McGee.

Collins’ solo effort completed the scoring 10 minutes from time as he ran from his own half before eventually slotting past keeper Laurie Walker.

 

Scunthorpe vs Stevenage - Away win

Result - Scunthorpe 0 Stevenage 1

Yay!

Elliott ‘Brahms n’ List was the most likely source of a goal for the visitors, and having been inches away from getting on the end of a low centre by Tom ‘Cuddly’ Pett midway through the first half, he later headed over from Joe ‘Dean’ Martin's hanging cross.

Scunthorpe struggled to create much despite some bright play in the middle of the park, with John McAtee's effort that flew straight at keeper Jamie ‘Heavy Breathing’ Cumming in first-half stoppage time proving their only effort on target.

Arthur ‘Bukta’ Read stung the palms of home keeper Mark ‘Frankie’ Howard with a 25-yard strike not long after the break, before the visitors snatched the all-important goal.

Remeao ‘Betty’ Hutton floated in a cross following a quickly-taken corner in the 59th minute and List headed home.

Though the Iron tried to find a way back into the game, a shot from substitute Harry 'Snapper' Jessop that was blasted over the bar and into an empty stand was the closest they came.

 

Southend vs Newport - Away win

Result - Southend 1 Newport 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Shaun ‘Valerie’ Hobson put the hosts ahead but Mickey ‘Mouse’ Demetriou headed home to level.

Tom ‘Fur’ King then saved Matt ‘Bobbick’ Rush's penalty to deny Southend all three points.

The Shrimpers had threatened early on through veteran Greg ‘Rob’ Halford before Newport failed to deal with a corner and defender Hobson stabbed in just his second goal of the season.

Newport were fortunate not to concede a second when Halford inexplicably fired over from point-bank range.

Wales international midfielder Josh ‘Ed’ Sheehan's free-kick was well saved by Southend's Mark ‘Cock’ Oxley before Demetriou rose highest to nod in his third goal in as many games from Aaron ‘Jerry’ Lewis’ long throw.

Southend were then awarded a contentious penalty, possibly for handball by Liam ‘Alan’ Shephard, but King guessed right to deny Rush.

 

Okay. The Grambler, once again, so nearly predicted five out of five... We’ll say that, anyway. This being the last weekend of any senior league games, it is not possible to follow the usual rules about all games must be played at 3pm on Saturday. So, rather than resort to betting on the nags, The Grambler will select games that are on at all different times over the weekend. Okay with that? No? Tough. What has he/she/it come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds - Day/time

Southampton vs Fulham - Home win - 19/20 - Sat/3pm

Hibs vs Celtic - Away win - 4/6 - Sat/12.30pm

St. Johnstone vs Livingstone - Home win - 21/20 - Sat/12.30pm

Hamilton vs Kilmarnock - Away win - Evens - Sat/12.30pm

Motherwell vs Ross County - Home win - 5/4 - Sat/12.30pm

 

Oh dear. Not at all happy with my team being in there. To win, as well. Definitely not happy.

Any road up, the bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£14.48

Definitely whopping, that is.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Munich in 1945. Most of my senior career was spent at Bayern Munich; I made 427 appearances. I was capped for West Germany 103 times. I won the World Cup twice; once as a player and once as manager. During my playing days, I was known as Der Kaiser.

Answer - Franz Beckenbauer

2. Which club has won the FA Youth (U-18) Cup on the most occasions?

Answer - Manchester United (10 wins)

3. Which Premier League club trains at Staplewood?

Answer - Southampton

4. Which Premier League club features two water spirits (kelpies) on its crest?

Answer - Newcastle United

5. Which English club plays at Sixfields Stadium?

Answer - Northampton Town

 

Some for this week? Of course. Here goes.

1. Who am I?

This one was chosen by Mrs G...

I was born in 1951 in Cleland, Lanarkshire. My senior career began at Morton in 1968, but was signed by Leeds in 1970 where I earned a reputation as a ‘hard man’. In 170 appearances, I scored 35 goals. In 1978 I moved to Manchester United and played 109 games and scored 37 goals. In 1981 I was signed to Milan. In 1983 I was briefly at Hellas Verona before moving back to Britain to play for Southampton before finishing my playing career at Bristol City. I was capped 52 times for Scotland and have the distinction of being the only Scot to have scored in three World Cups.

2. By what name were Manchester United known until 1902?

3. Which player from Netherlands has scored the most Premier League goals?

4. This year’s Champions League final is between Manchester City and Chelsea; which player has scored the most goals (6) in the competition so far?

5. Another silly question to finish. How many teams in the current English and Scottish senior leagues have the letters ‘ing’ (in that order) in their name?

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr Groper... I’m sorry, I’ll write that again... I am indebted to a Mr G. Roper who ends this week’s edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog with a selection of jokes that made people laugh half a century ago. Here is George Roper on The Comedians.

 

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

 

Friday 7 May 2021

Post 409 - Grambling in the garden

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Story time...

 

Those of you who are regular readers of thegrambler.com... how are you both, by the way?... will no doubt recall that I have a garden. The 0.001 acres of land that makes up the estate is planted with much in the way of exotica; the best that Dobbies (the well- known garden centres) can sell. I say much. I actually mean, nothing. Not much room for exotica in a garden the size of a postage stamp; well, half a postage stamp, maybe.

Any road up, I do like to plant a few seeds just to see what I can grow from scratch. [Or, indeed, seeds. - Ed.] Normally, I get my seeds by collecting them from gardens when no-one is looking. No I'm kidding. I wait until there's nobody at home. Again, I am toying with you; I do actually buy seeds.

Last year, when lockdown began, shops that sold seeds were not deemed essential so I couldn't buy anything at all. I found a few packets in the shed that had been there for rather a long time. In the past, I must have considered growing carrots and beetroot because I had seeds for both. I have no idea why as my garden has no areas to actually plant anything because it is totally slabbed.

However, last year, when we were forced to stay at home, I decided to see what I could grow from these seeds. I had plenty of old tubs and lots of bags of compost (Obviously, left over from the time I bought the carrot and beetroot seeds.)

So, in went the carrots and the beetroots. Is that the plural of beetroot? Probably not. Now what? Oh, I'll get some seeds off a strawberry and see what happens. Nothing. Ditto, raspberries. Initially, results were favourable, but the seedlings never got beyond that stage. What else could I grow? Blueberries! In went some blueberry seeds. They seemed promising, but never progressed very far. The same thing happened with peppers.

Frankly, I was planting seeds from anything that had seeds in it, although I drew the line at anything that might grow into a tree.

I fancied growing a grape vine but, as we only ever see seedless grapes here in the Yuk, I had to give up on that idea. Just what do you plant?

Any road up, by the autumn, the carrots and beetroot(s) were doing really well. Or so I thought. The carrots bore a striking resemblance to twisted pipe cleaners when I finally dug them up. They were, however, edible. Just.

The beetroot(s) I planted were excellent. My only gripe with them was that I wished I had planted more.

Fast forward to 2021. I thought I would try and grow some vegetables again. Where should I buy my seeds? Lidl. Yep. 29 pees per packet. Brilliant. How could I resist? Unfortunately, they had run out of the types that I wanted. [I'm not surprised at 29 pence a packet. Ed.]

No problem, thinks I. Other supermarkets sell them, don't they? Indeed they do, but instead of 29 pees per packet they were a little bit dearer because they were ‘branded’ products; Mr Fotheringay, or something. How does £3.10 grab you? More than ten times the cost! That is just crazy. How on earth can Mr Featherstone justify such a hike in the price. Well, he does claim that they will grow. You what? They're seeds. What else are they meant to do?

Another thing that bugged me, aside from the cost, was the quantity. 29 pee packet of seeds? Minimum of 200 seeds. Mr Featherlight’s £3.10 packet? 40. Thus, to grow the same quantity of plants as the cheapo seeds I would have to spend £15.50. What? More than 15 quid versus 29 pees? Somebody's at it. Mr. Fotheringham. Him.

And guess what... half of the blibbing things didn't come up.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 8th of May? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

John Snagge 1904 - Radio newsreader and commentator. His was the voice of the newsreader in Dad’s Army.

Sid James 1913 - Comic actor. Starred in various sitcoms of the 1960s including Citizen James, Taxi, George and the Dragon and Bless This House. Perhaps he is more famous for his roles in the Carry On series of films; he appeared in 18 films plus several TV spin-off shows. Ack ack ack!

David Attenborough 1926 - Natural historian, sometime TV channel controller and most definitely a national treasure. First appeared on British TV back in the 1950s in Zoo Quest. Not many people can say they have appeared regularly on TV in eight different decades.

John Bennett 1928 - Jobbing actor. One of those faces that always seemed to be on screen; from playing Injun Joe in 1960’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to his final role as FitzStephen in 2005’s documentary series Cathedral. 175 credits on IMDb.

Phyllida Law 1932 - Actress. Less famous than her daughter, Emma Thompson. Still, she’s had a fair old career; first appearing on our screens back in 1958 and still appearing as recently as 2020. Not many people can say they have appeared regularly on TV in eight different decades... Hang on a mo.

Jack Charlton 1935 - Foo’y blurk.

Norman Lamont 1942 - Politician. Julian Clary claims to know him intimately.

Terry Neill 1942 - Foodball plerr nigh manager.

Robin Hobbs 1942 - Crickety bloke.

Paul Samwell-Smith 1943 - Musician and producer. Original bassist with The Yardbirds. I think a wee clip is in order here. He provided the unusual (for its time) arrangement on this, Turn into Earth

Bill Legend 1944 - Musician. Played drums in T. Rex. How about another clip? Here he is miming to Jeepster. All together now... You're so sweet...

G*ry Gl*tt*r 1944 - Insert your own insult here.

Felicity Lott 1947 - Rerr chanter. Here she is singing the amusing (it says here) Noël Coward song, A Bar on the Piccola Marina

John Reid 1947 - Politician.

Gary Wilmott 1954 - Entertainer.

Davie Provan 1956 - Fitba guy.

Kevin McCloud 1958 - TV presenter. Him off Grand Designs.

Aneirin Hughes 1958 - Jobbing actor. Tom Howells in Keeping Faith. Him.

Terry Christian 1960 - TV presenter. Him off The Word.

David Sole 1962 - Rugby bloke.

Stella Gonet 1963 - Jobbing actress. Most recently seen as Leah in Breeders.

Dave Rowntree 1964 - How’s this for a mixture? Musician, politician, solicitor and animator. Let’s concentrate on the music side of things. He was Blur’s drummer, so let’s have a wee clip. This one starts off quietly with Dave tapping away followed by some guitar and then... Woo hoo!

Marcus Brigstocke 1973 - Comedian. I’ve Never Seen Star Wars [Haven’t you? Come to think of it, I don’t think I have either. - Ed.] Do you mind? He hosted that.

Jodhi May 1975 - Jobbing actress. Recently seen in Mangrove, one of the Small Axe series of TV films, as Selma James.

Michelle McManus 1980 - Singer, actress, writer and TV presenter. She won Pop Idol in 2003 and her first single entered the charts at number one. Would you like to hear it? Course you would. Here’s All This Time.

Christina Cole 1982 - Actress. Dr. Paula Agard in Suits. Her.

Matt Willis 1983 - Musician. A bit of Busted, then McBusted, then Busted again. Have a clip.  Here's Crashed the Wedding

Vicky McClure 1983 - Actress. Kate in Line of Duty. Her.

Elyes Gabel 1983 - Actor. Walter O’Brien in something called Scorpion. You will have guessed that I have not seen it; I remember him from Psychoville.

Martin Compston 1984 - Actor. Steve in Line of Duty. Him. There’s a coincidence.

Mark Noble 1987 - Footy bloke.

Aneurin Barnard 1987 - Steerforth in The Personal History of David Copperfield. Him.

Katy B 1989 - Singer. How about a clip? Here she is on a mission.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear David Grambleborough,

Thank you for giving a link to the terrific Blur. They really were terrific. They had some terrific hits. And some great albums, which is terrific. I wonder what their terrific first album was called. If you could answer me that one, that would be terrific.

Yours terrifically,

Les Ure.

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions go last week? Not quite as well as the previous week. Four out of five correct predictions. [How much did we win? That’s what everyone wants to know. - Ed.] Patience. We won... drum roll please... £3.60. Not a lot, but at least we were in profit. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Millwall vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - Millwall 4 Bristol City 1

Yay!

Jed ‘Freedom’ Wallace put the Lions ahead after a swift counter-attack when he collected Jake ‘Tommy’ Cooper's long diagonal pass and found the bottom corner with a fine strike across goal.

Tommy ‘Russ’ Conway's goal from Henri ‘Angela’ Lansbury's pass made it 1-1, but Scott ‘Bugsy’ Malone's fine shot restored the home side's lead.

Billy ‘Joni’ Mitchell crashed in Millwall's third after an almighty melee for his first senior goal.

And Tom Bradshaw's neat one-on-one finish, after robbing Tomas ‘Maria’ Kalas, sealed the victory.

 

 

Norwich vs Reading - Home win

Result - Norwich 4 Reading 1

Yay!

The Canaries thumped Reading, with two goals from Kieran ‘Wooden’ Dowell and late strikes from Xavi ‘Harley’ Quintilla and Teemu ‘Pie’ Pukki sealing a superb comeback after Josh ‘Eve’ Laurent's early header had put the visitors in front.

Reading were impressive early on and looked in the mood for an upset by taking the lead.

But Dowell levelled the score with a calm finish following a series of defensive blunders as the Royals finished well-beaten and had keeper Rafael Cabral to thank for limiting the margin of victory.

At 1-1 the visitors were under increasing pressure and Cabral made three stunning saves to keep out Dowell's fierce strike, Kenny 'Shiny' McLean's powerful header and a Todd ‘Noel’ Cantwell effort.

But he could do nothing to stop Dowell scoring his second from a tight angle - the midfielder finding the far corner from Cantwell's cheeky scooped pass from the left.

Pukki missed several decent opportunities, but Norwich's win was wrapped up late on.

Quintilla added a third with a classy 20-yard free-kick into the top corner before a typical piece of Pukki quality increased the lead further, the Finn anticipating a casual backpass to round Rafael and gleefully smash the ball home.

 

Plymouth vs Sunderland - Away win

Result - Plymouth 1 Sunderland 3

Yay!

Lynden ‘Graham’ Gooch set up both of Sunderland's late goals against an Argyle side reduced to 10 men in the 64th minute.

Gooch won an 84th-minute penalty, converted by Chris ‘Barry’ Maguire, following a foul by Ryan ‘Fluckan’ Law.

Then the American's stoppage-time shot was saved by substitute keeper Luke 'C' McCormick but Denver 'Colorado' Hume followed in to add gloss to the result.

Sunderland had taken a 21st-minute lead when striker Ross 'Royal' Stewart raced away from the halfway line to collect Gooch's incisive pass and coolly slot home into the far corner past Plymouth keeper Michael ‘Jilly’ Cooper.

Gooch was unlucky not to double Sunderland's first-half tally as his stoppage time 20 yarder spun off the outside of the post.

Home skipper Joe ‘Blake’ Edwards levelled with a far post header to greet Conor ‘Student’ Grant's cross in the 63rd minute but Argyle were reduced to 10 men a minute later when central defender Jerome 'Kern' Opoku received a second caution.

Sunderland hit the woodwork three times in all as Maguire's free-kick and Stewart's header both came off the bar in the second half before their two late goals sealed victory.

 

Shrewsbury vs Oxford - Away win

Result - Shrewsbury 2 Oxford 3

Yay!

Dan 'Dare' Agyei's goal in the 85th minute gave Oxford a late win.

It took just three minutes for the visitors to go ahead as a mistake from Shrewsbury defender Matthew ‘Flash’ Pennington allowed Matty ‘Swifty’ Taylor to cross for Elliot ‘Ghouled’ Lee, who tapped home into an empty net.

Pennington made amends in the 16th minute though, connecting with a Harry ‘Sticky’ Chapman corner to draw his side level.

And 10 minutes later the Shrews had turned the game around as Josh ‘Nov’ Vela fired his side in front.

James ‘King’ Henry levelled 25 minutes from time, before Agyei came off the bench to put Oxford back in front in the final five minutes.

It was not over there though, as Jack ‘Shaky’ Stevens produced two brilliant saves late on to deny Ethan ‘Yonbon’ Ebanks-Landell and Shaun ‘Joanne’ Whalley.

 

Bradford vs Scunthorpe - Home win

Result - Bradford 0 Scunthorpe 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Bradford had the game's first chance when Charles ‘Ratty’ Vernam ran on to a through pass from Levi ‘Hoo’ Sutton and cut in from the right before forcing Mark ‘Frankie’ Howard to make a diving save at the near post.

Home goalkeeper Sam ‘O-Gauge’ Hornby did well to turn Ke-vin Van Veen's header over the crossbar in the 25th minute and Alfie ‘Honey’ Beestin headed narrowly wide of the far post when Bradford failed to clear Scunthorpe skipper Alex ‘Acuppa’ Gilliead's corner.

Defender Anthony ‘Sinead’ O'Connor came close to scoring for the home side in the 78th minute when he chased a long ball, poked it past Howard only to see it hit the post.

Bradford were again indebted to Hornby shortly afterwards when substitute Ryan ‘Converted’ Loft shrugged off the challenge of Paudie ‘Des’ O'Connor to leave himself with only the keeper to beat, but the Bantams’ stopper came quickly off his line to save the shot.

The Bantams almost snatched a winner in the closing stages when substitute Clayton ‘Moore’ Donaldson somehow turned the ball wide from close range from Vernam's low cross and Callum ‘Sam’ Cooke's effort was deflected over the crossbar.

So, there we have it my little gramblerinis; nearly five out of five.  So close.  What can The Grambler come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Carlisle vs Walsall - Home win - 8/11

Crawley vs Bolton - Away win - 8/13

Oldham vs Forest Green - Away win - 4/5

Scunthorpe vs Stevenage - Away win - 19/20

Southend vs Newport - Away win - 4/5

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles and 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if The Grambler’s predictions are spot on, the Bobby Moore Fund stands (or sits) to win a whopping...

 

£10.18

£10.18? That’s serious money, that is.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last week’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1973 in Suriname. I began my senior career at Ajax where I played 106 games and scored 20 goals. I was a defensive midfielder and nicknamed ‘The Pitbull’ because of my hard-tackling, aggressive style of play. I was capped 74 times for Netherlands. I was easily recognised on the pitch because I wore protective goggles due to glaucoma.

Answer - Edgar Davids

2. What Premier League feat has been achieved by Andy Cole, Alan Shearer, Jermain Defoe, Dmitar Berbatov and Sergio Aguero?

Answer - They have all scored five goals in a Premier League match.

3. What nationality is Manchester city player Zack Steffen?

Answer - American

4. What is the only French club to have won the Champions League title?

Answer - Marseille in 1993

5. Which two English players have each scored two Champions League Hat-Tricks?

Answer - Andy Cole and Michael Owen

Some for this week? Here goes...

1. Who am I?

I was born in Munich in 1945. Most of my senior career was spent at Bayern Munich; I made 427 appearances. I was capped for West Germany 103 times. I won the World Cup twice; once as a player and once as manager. During my playing days, I was known as Der Kaiser.

2. Which club has won the FA Youth (U-18) Cup on the most occasions?

3. Which Premier League club trains at Staplewood?

4. Which Premier League club features two water spirits (kelpies) on its crest?

5. Which English club plays at Sixfields Stadium?

 

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril...

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to Messrs R. Orzabal and C. Smith for this week’s closing item. I think it is an apt finisher this week.  Here's Tears for Fears Sowing the Seeds of Love.

Sowing the seeds of love carrots

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.