Saturday 28 November 2015

Week 17 - The Grambler's guide to warding off disease


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Kids don’t eat enough sh*t. They are Arthur Smith’s words, not mine. In a week when it was reported that bacteria are becoming more resistant to an increasing number of antibiotics, I was reminded of Arthur’s wise words. I was also reminded of a song by the Verve, but that’s neither here nor there. He wasn’t advocating kids being forcefed poo, he was simply bemoaning the fact that nowadays kids are taught to be ultra clean and so are not building up any sort of resistance to bacteria. When I were a lad [Uh oh, Hovis time - Ed.] you were sent out to play and if you fell and got mucky, so be it. You didn’t carry a stock of wet-wipes or wet-ones around to clean off the dirt... not that there was such a thing as a wet-wipe in those halcyon days over half a century ago [Although a few kids might have dropped a wet one occasionally.  Ha! - Ed.].  If your hands got a bit mucky, you wiped them on your clothes. If the mud was caked on, you washed your hands in the nearest water available; usually a puddle. Then you wiped them on your clothes. When it was mealtimes, you weren’t told to wash your hands before you ate and, if you dropped any food on the floor (inside or outside), you picked it up and ate it. If you and your mates fancied a drink, there were always drinking fountains to use. The idea was always that you didn’t need to touch the actual faucet with your mouth but, of course, everybody did. If you and your pals could scrape together a few coppers, it was a treat to buy and share a bottle of lemonade, orangeade, limeade or cream soda. Oddly, we always called it ‘ginger’, no matter what flavour it was. Then you would each take a ‘slug’ out the bottle, thus sharing everyone’s germs. The only concession to hygiene was to give the bottle a wipe with your hand before taking a drink. You probably introduced more bacteria by giving it that wipe, but we didn’t realise it at the time.

What point am I making? Simply this. We probably ingested billions of bacteria every day without any ill effects. At the same time we were improving our chances of warding off disease. Nowadays, if a kid drops food what does he/she do? Give it a wipe and eat it? Nope. They chuck it in the bin. Children are taught to wash their hands every time there is any likelihood that they may have picked up a few germs. Out playing and you touch a plant? Wash hands. Outside and you fall? Wash hands. Going to the toilet? Wash hands. Before a meal, or any kind of food? Wash hands. Yes, it is right to be hygiene conscious, but, maybe it isn’t always the best thing for your health.

To finish, I am reminded of the time Mrs G and I took the grand nippers down to Blackpool for a few days (See Week 38 - We're grambling up the 'Pool ). One of the highlights of the break was the chance for them to do what kids have done at the beach since the earliest days of seaside holidays [What, peeing in the sea? - Ed.]. They went for a ride on a donkey. Off they went, led by the owner of this particular string of donkeys - there is probably a collective noun for a group of donkeys [A braying? - Ed.] but, as they were all roped together ‘string’ will have to do, should any pedants feel the urge to complain. The kids had a great five minutes, or however long the walk lasted, and when they got back to Mrs G and myself, if was wonderful to see how excited they were by such a simple treat. So we are all chattering away... ‘Did you enjoy that?’ ‘That was great!’ ‘My donkey was called Max’ ‘Can we go on again?’ etc. Another little boy who had also just been on a donkey, was equally excited and wanted to tell his mum all about it. What were her first words to him? ‘Did you enjoy that’ perhaps? No. Her first words to her excited little boy were, ‘Come and get your hands wiped with an anti-bacterial tissue.’ Those were her exact words; not wet-one or wet-wipe, but anti-bacterial tissue. I felt like shaking her and saying - ‘your son is really happy just now, it would be nice to share his enthusiasm.’ Anti-bacterial tissue, indeed.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 28th of November? Why, yes. A fair old number, to be sure. John Bunyan 1628 (The first man to identify the bony deformity of the foot that pilgrims got if they walked too far.), William Blake 1757 (And did those feet in ancient time... [What is this? National feet week?. - Ed.]), Friedrich Engels 1820 (Karl Marx’s less pushy sidekick? Less pushy? Indeed. We talk of Marxism but never Engelsism.), Manuel Gregorio Tavarez 1843 (Composer. Wrote Heaven Must be Missing an Angel.), Nancy Mitford 1904 (Poash wummin.), Gloria Grahame 1923 (Violet Bick), Berry Gordy 1929 (Owner of Motown. Trivia: His first success in the music world was as a songwriter; he co-wrote R-r-r-r-r-reet Petite which was a hit for Jackie Wilson.), Hope Lange 1933 (Dick Van Dyke’s second wife and model for the ‘Man-from-Mars Radio Hat’. One of those statements is not true.), Bruce Channel 1940 (Ooh! Aah!), Randy Newman 1942 (You got a friend in me.), Alexander Godunov 1949 (‘We are both professionals. This is personal’ - Name that film.), Hugh McKenna 1949 (Next.), Ed Harris 1950 (Orville the Duck’s owner. [That’s Keith, you twonk. - Ed.] Sorry, Keith the Duck’s owner.), David Van Day 1956 (Aka Burger Van Day), Kris Akabusi 1958 (Runny jumpy bloke.), Armando Iannucci 1963 (The hardman of political satire.) and Gavin Rae 1977 (Footy bloke).

Anyone in amongst that lot suitable for a bit of toon gramblerising? Yes indeedy. Mr Van Day, before the days when he ran his burger bar and before he was in the duo known as Dollar, he (and Dollar partner, Thereza Bazar) was in a vocal group called Guys and Dolls. Sorry, that’s wrong. Guys ’n’ Dolls. I find it so annoying; we are actually being told to pronounce something wrongly. It happens so often when we regularly pair things - fish ’n’ chips, salt ’n’ pepper. Gord ’n’ Bennett! Any road up, Guys ’n’ Dolls had a hit called There’s a Whole Lot of Loving which, I believe was a song used in an advert, although I can’t remember what product was being pushed [Not a very good advertisement, then. - Ed.]. It might have been crisps. Probably cheese ’n’ onion flavour. It happened a lot back in the day.

There's a whole lot of gramblin' goin' on in my heart
It's a feelin' I'm gramblin' through and through
There's a whole lot of gramblin' everytime we're apart
There's a whole lot of gramblin' just for you

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. Well, it had to change, didn’t it? Two weeks on the trot we made a profit, but last week it was back to normal. Oh yes, we won. Just not enough to recover the stake money. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

 

Birmingham vs Charlton - Prediction Home win

Result - Birmingham 0 Charlton 1

Boo!

Despite dominating for long periods the hosts failed to make a breakthrough.

Johnnie Jackson broke the deadlock for the visitors in the second half when he headed in a Tareiq Holmes Dennis cross.

 

Reading vs Bolton - Prediction Home win

Result - Reading 2 Notlob* 1

Yay!

A defensive error then saw Lucas Piazon put the Royals ahead before Danny ‘Moon River’ Williams fired low into the net from 25 yards.

Liam Feeney's 80th-minute penalty for Bolton made it 2-1 but the hosts held on.

* A Monty Python’s Flying Circus reference.

 

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Away win

Result - Dagenham & Redbridge 0 Oxford 1

Yay!

Midfielder Kemar ‘Uponthe’ Roofe, scored a stunning 25-yard free-kick for his 11th goal of the season.

Daggers went close through captain Joss Labadie, whose half-volley from the edge of the box was palmed over.

 

Leyton Orient vs York - Prediction Home win

Result - Leyton Orient 3 York 2

Yay!

Mathieu Baudry headed in goal number one and ‘Oh’ Jay Simpson scored before the Minstermen pulled one back when Bryn Morris deflected Vadaine Oliver's effort in.

Simpson drilled home to make it 3-1 before Oliver headed in late on, but Orient held on for the victory.

 

Annan vs Arbroath - Prediction Home win

Result - Annan 2 Arbroath 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Peter Weatherson's left-foot strike swept past Arbroath goalkeeper Allan Fleming for his ninth of the season.

The hosts got their second when Smart Osadolor smashed in his eighth goal of the season.

The visitors replied through Robert Linn before he turned provider for Greg Rutherford to slot his shot into the bottom-right corner.

 

That was last week. What has The Grambler got up his/her/its metaphorical sleeve this week? Only 41 senior games for he/she/it to choose from as the lower Scottish division teams are involved in the third round of the Scottish Cup. So, of those 41 matches taking place at 3pm on Saturday the 28th of November, what five has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Coventry vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win - Evens

Hartlepool vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Away win - 8/11

Northampton vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 4/6

York vs Accrington Stanley - Prediction Away win - 10/11

 

The Grambler has gone for games from the English lower divisions today - Coventry - Doncaster from Division One (ie. three) and the rest from Division Two (ie. four). If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£10.57

1057 Eh? That was the year King Macbeth (him from off of the play) was killed in battle. Who says this blog isn’t educational? [I do. - Ed.]

 

.....oooOooo.....

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked which was the only current Premiershit side never to have had a player called up for the England squad. The answer was, of course, Bournemouth. Too easy? Probably.

What about one for this week? There is a lot of talk of Leicester’s Jamie Vardy at the moment; last week, he equalled a Premiershit record by scoring in his tenth consecutive league game - Who does he share the accolade with? Bear in mind, that the record may be Vardy’s alone when I give you the answer to that one.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Ms H. Lange for a delightful picture of her, wearing some very fetching headgear, taken back in 1949.

 
 
Proof, if proof were needed, that Hope Lange was never married to Dick Van Dyke.  

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday 20 November 2015

Week 16 - Whisky tasting the Grambler way


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

I have been to a whisky tasting festival. It was brilliant. It gave me the chance to try lots of different whiskies and even buy some if I wanted. As well as tasting, I purchased a bottle of Wemyss Hive. Yes, I know that means nothing to most of you, but I tasted it, thought it rather nice and bought a bottle. Why not?

Now, it occurred to me that you would like to share the experience so what I did was record my thoughts at the time of sampling the various whiskies (and rums) on offer and then I transcribed the results for this week’s edition; to give you a wee flavour (Do you see what I did there?) of being at a whisky festival. Incidentally, there is a football link; the festival took place at Hampden Park 'the home of Scottish football'.

The text which follows is an exact transcription of my afternoon at the festival. Unfortunately, there was a lot of noise at the venue so, sometimes, I couldn’t hear what I had recorded. When that happens I just put it in brackets thus [noise]. Anyway, sit back and enjoy The Grambler’s guide to whisky tasting...

 

‘The first whisky I am trying is an old favourite of mine; Bunnahabhain. An Islay malt that is not typical of the usual produce of that island in that it does not have the usual ‘peatiness’ associated with Islay malts. Sweet and nutty.’

 

Now, I imagine that you might get a bit bored if I continue in this vein for each and every sample, so I will skip a few here and there.

 

‘Number three is called Nevis Dew. Quite sweet and a bit... mmm... smoky. Rather pleasant.’

 

‘Onto number five, or is it six? Might be seven. Tobermory. That’s where they made Balamory, isn’t it? Sweet and light. Very nice it is, too.’

 

‘Number elephant. Ha ha, I said elephant. I meant eleven. Elephant! And it’s not a whisky. It’s a rum. At a whisky festival. Snot right. Tastes horrible, anyway.’

 

‘Now I am having my sixteeth... sixtee...th. Sick teeth. I’ve had fifteen; now I’m having another. Some American stuff. Evan Williams? Sounds more Welsh than American. Oh no, this guy wants to give a history lesson. Not intereshted. Just give us a sample. Hmm, quite nice’

 

‘Number... I’ve lost count. How old? 32 Years? How much? £210 a bottle? Yeah give us a nip. Is that it? You’ve barely wet the bottom of the glass you miserable [noise].’

 

‘Nummer... Who cares. What’s thish? New Zealand whizzkey? What’s it made with? Kiwis? Ha ha ha. Dya geddit? Kiwis. Well, give'sh a taste, then. That is bowfing. Think I was right about the kiwis.’

 

‘Ooh... another old one. 29 years, thish time. Should be a good un. Come on. Hurry up. Giz a drop. I was here before them! Who are you calling berigelant? Begilerant... Come outside and say that. I’ll kick you in the [noise].... Oh ta. Smells of cat’s [noise]. Yeuch! Tashtes like it too. Shorry, mate. Didn’t mean to spit it out over you.’

 

‘Shee me? Shee whizzky? I love it. Shee me? Shee my wife? Shee whizzky? She hatesh it. She does. She likes that other shtuff... wine. That. She likesh that. Do you know what? You’re my pal. Do you know that? My besht pal. Beshtest in the whole wull. Who are you, anyway?’

 

Okay, okay; it wasn’t really like that. Granted, there were many samples to be had. There were over 40 stands and each had about half a dozen different bottles to sample. By my, admittedly poor, calculations that means 240 different whiskies to try. I got to over thirty and, frankly, I wanted no more. There were some guys there, who looked as if they had made a pretty good stab at trying them all - especially the guy who was being escorted, sorry, carried out by two security men.

There were many people there who seemed to be there simply to get p*ssed. Others had gone there with the intention of sampling a few special whiskies and recording their thoughts; a few folk had little notebooks to jot down their findings. I went with this same idea. It seemed ridiculous to go to such an event and get too drunk to appreciate what special treats were being provided. So armed with a little notebook and my pen I dutifully recorded my thoughts on each malt I sampled. Some folk had a scoring system from one to five. My system was simpler. I just gave a particular whisky (or rum) a tick or a cross.

The day after the festival, I decided to have a look at how I rated them. The first half dozen or so made sense. After that, for some strange reason, my handwriting became less legible. By the time I got to number 20 on my list, I couldn’t make out my scrawl at all. It could have been a line on a graph for all the sense it made to me. I couldn’t understand why it was so untidy; it’s not as if I was anything but perfectly sober throughout the time I spent tasting whiskies. I mean, I was only sampling them for four hours...

And I lost my pen!

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 21st of November? Why, yes. Without fear of contradiction, I can say there are. Francois-Marie Arouet 1694 (Who? Oh, Voltaire. What, the solo card game? [That’s solitaire, you twonk! - Ed.]), Samuel Cunard 1787 (Began the first Atlantic crossing service. Also spawned a joke: 1st woman: ‘My husband works for Cunard.’ 2nd woman: ‘My husband works quite hard, too.’ Boom and, as it were, tish.), John and Roy Boulting 1913 (Film directors. Roy was married to Hayley Mills, you know. He was 58 when they married. She was 25. Shouldn’t be allowed!), Christopher Tolkien 1924 (Son of JRR. Didn’t think much of the Peter Jackson films based on his dad’s work: ‘They gutted the book making an action film for 15 to 25 year-olds.’), Juliet Mills 1941 (Hayley’s big sister. I wonder if that’s how Roy and Hayley first started chatting... ‘Your birthday’s what date? That’s the same day as my big sister. Okay, yours was nearly 30 years before hers.’), Tweety Bird 1942 (Wha? Seriously, Tweety appeared first in A Tale of Two Kitties weleased, sorry, released on 21st November 1942.), Jacques Lafitte 1943 (Racey car bloke), Harold Ramis 1944 (Who you gonna call?), Goldie hawn 1945 (Not so dumb blonde from Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-in), Liza Tarbuck 1964 (Narrator of Wussywat, the clumsy cat.), Bjork... I’m not even going to attempt her surname... 1965 (Icelandic loony.), Alex James 1968 (Posh bloke from Blur) and Jesus Navas 1985 (Footbally bloke).

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. Guess what! We won! Again. Made a profit too. Only 79 pees, but come on. Two week’s running. When did that last happen? What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

Bradford vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 2 Crewe 0

Yay!

Gary Liddle put the Bantams ahead with a downward header just inside the near post in first-half stoppage time.

Billy Clarke grabbed number two, winning a chase for the ball inside the visitors' penalty area before beating Ben Garratt with an angled shot.

 

Accrington Stanley vs Newport County - Prediction Home win

Result - Stanley 2 Newport 2

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Newport took the lead when Yan Klukowski headed in a Jazzi Barnum-Bobb cross.

Billy ‘Door’ Kee replied for Accrington after an initial shot was cleared.

A fierce Scott Boden drive restored Newport's lead, but Matt Crooks tapped in after Séamus Conneely hit the post.

 

Oxford United vs Cambridge United - Prediction Home win

Result - Oxford 1 Cambridge 0

Yay!

Ryan Taylor's first-half goal came from Alex MacDonald's pull back.

Danny Hylton hit the underside of the bar after the break after he rounded Cambridge goalkeeper Chris ‘Grandad’ Dunn.

Barry ‘Man’ Corr had two late efforts from corners cleared off the line, but the visitors could not find a leveller.

 

Annan Athletic vs Berwick - Prediction Home win

Result - Annan 1 Berwick 0

Yay!

Stuart McColm fired high into the net in the 82nd minute to give Annan the points

Rangers had first-half chances, with David ‘Couldn’t hit a coo’s erse with a’ Banjo heading wide before Michael McKenna and Finn Graham were denied by Annan goalkeeper Jordan Hart.

 

East Fife vs East Stirling - Prediction Home win

Result - East Fife 5 East Stirling 3

Yay!

East Fife and East Stirlingshire served up eight goals and three red cards in the game at New Bayview.

Kyle Wilkie nodded the Fifers in front followed by headers from visiting duo Ross Gilmour and Reece Donaldson.

Jamie Insall levelled after the break and was red carded soon after, before Nathan Austin made it 3-2.

The Shire's Reece Donaldson equalised only for Pat Slattery to strike and Austin added a second after the dismissals of Donaldson and Aron Lynas.

Both of the late red cards were for second bookings.

 

So close and yet so far for The Grambler. What about this week? A pretty full card to choose from this week, with 58 senior games taking place at 3pm, Saturday the 21st of November. And The Grambler has randomly selected...

Game - Result - Odds

Birmingham vs Charlton - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Reading vs Bolton - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Dagenham & Redbridge vs Oxford Utd - Prediction Away win - 3/5

Leyton Orient vs York - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Annan vs Arbroath - Prediction Home win - 7/10

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£8.09

Again, it’s not much, is it?

 

.....oooOooo.....

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked who is the only player to score two hat-tricks in a Euro Finals tournament. The answer is Michel Platini of France at Euro 1984 (5-0 vs Belgium and 3-2 vs Yugoslavia).

Here’s one for this week. Which the only current Premiershit side to have never had a player selected for the England national side? Too easy? Maybe.

 …..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr T. Bird who celebrates his 73rd birthday today.  Let's celebrate with him by viewing his ‘fledgling’ performance in A Tale of Two Kitties

I have to say, I could never appreciate the humour of Abbott and Costello and, after watching that, I still can't.

 

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday 13 November 2015

Week 15 - Gollum gets the chop. Again!


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Gollum has been sacked again. Regular readers of this blog may remember that there was an edition not so long ago called ‘Gollum gets the chop’ (http://www.thegrambler.com/2014/04/week-34-gollum-gets-chop.html) which has proved to be one of the most read of my weekly rants. It still gets a lot of people reading it. I can only assume that there are a lot of disappointed Lord of the Rings fans out there...

‘Ooh, Gollum gets the chop. That is an interesting development. Maybe Bilbo Baggins finally does him in... Oh. It’s David Moyes. Football. How dull. How can anyone be interested in something so boring? I will just get back to watching my boxed set of the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the seventh time... this week.’

Yes David Moyes aka Gollum has been booted out of his job once again. His time at Real Sociedad is at an end. This time, according to Real’s president, Gollum, sorry, Moyes will be getting no compensation. The expression ‘pull the other one’ comes to mind. I don’t believe he joined the Spanish club after his swift departure from Man U without negotiating a compensation clause. Not that he needs the dosh, having netted a cool £5 million payoff (allegedly) when he left the Manchester mob after only 10 months as the team’s manager. Before joining them he had spent 11 moderately successful years as manager at Everton earning a fair salary - the deal he negotiated in 2008 was reputedly worth about £16.5 million over five years. Not bad. After being sacked from his £5 million a year job at Manchester United, his worth dropped a good bit. For his job in Spain he was paid ‘just’ 2 million euros. Poor soul. How on earth did he manage? Well, he didn’t. Obviously. That’s why he got the boot.

 

I watched a telly programme the other night [Really? How interesting. Yawn. - Ed.]. It was the story of the Diesel engine [What? You have got to be kidding. - Ed.]. Really interesting, it was [You mean tedious, surely. - Ed.]. No, it really was interesting and stop calling me Shirley. It isn’t a topic that is often given TV time [No wonder. - Ed.]. It was presented by a chap called Mark Evans who has a nice way of presenting and comes across as an affable sort [How do you aff someone? - Ed.], unlike that other petrolhead, Jeremiah Klaxon. I recall Evans from way back presenting shows such as (Dan) Pet Rescue, A Car is Born, An MG is Born, A plane is Born and A some other form of transport is Born. However, I had not seen him on TV for quite a long time and, while I enjoyed the programme about the Diesel engine, I found myself being constantly distracted. How do you mean, I hear you ask. I could not get one particular thought out of my head. And that thought was: my goodness you’ve aged. It must be at least ten years since I watched a programme fronted by him. Of course, not everyone ages well and this got me wondering about other showbizzy types that have not been seen on the screen for a while. What do they look like? So this week, The Grambler brings to you... I used to be famous. See if you can recognise the people in the images below.  Answers at the end.

Number 1 was a child actor who became a star when he grew up, mainly as a comedy actor. He starred in a few sitcoms in the seventies.
 
 
 
 
Number 2 was really famous in the sixties and seventies... Why, he even worked with Basil Brush...

 
 
And finally, number three was once (probably) the richest woman in American television having her own production company which made programmes in which she starred plus spinoffs for several supporting players...

 


.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 14th of November? Why, yes. Without doubt, at least some. Claude Monet 1840 (Impressionist; his Toulouse Lautrec had them rolling in the aisles.), Jawaharlal Nehru 1889 (Aka Pandit. Like Alan Shearer on Match of the Day. [That’s pundit, you tw*t! - Ed.], Aaron Copland 1900 (Trivia: He was a fan of the Beatles. Yep. He actually said, ‘If you want to know about the Sixties, play the music of the Beatles.’), Dick Powell 1904 (The original Phillip Marlowe.), Louise Brooks 1906 (Trivia: Liza Minelli based her Sally Bowles (Cabaret) look on Louise Brooks), Joseph McCarthy 1909 (Yes. Him. The man who was allowed to single-handedly wreck the careers of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of US citizens if they knew where the USSR was, or wore red socks, or could hum the 1812 Overture, or liked vodka), Brian Keith 1921 (Played Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills dad in The Parent Trap [Eh? - Ed.].), Boutros Boutros Ghali 1922 (Bloke with unimaginative parents.), Veronica Lake 1922 (Peek-a-boo.), McLean Stevenson 1929 (Who? Oh... Lt. Colonel Henry Blake.), Shirley Crabtree 1930 (Who’s she? No, not she. He. Aka Big Daddy.), Michael Robbins 1930 (Arthur Rudge. You know. You do. Married to Olive.), Freddie Garrity 1940 (Who wears short shorts?), Patrick Jake O’Rourke 1947 (Gonzo journalist.), His Royal Highness Prince Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales, KG, KT, GCB, OM, AK, QSO, PC, ADC, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew, Lord of the Isles and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland 1948 (Who?), Stephen Bishop 1951 (Show us your nuts!), Condoleezza Rice 1954 (Trivia: Began playing piano at the age of three and has played on stage with Yo-Yo Ma. Also a big fan of Led Zep.), Paul McGann 1959 (Eighth Doctor Who. Ninth if you count Peter Cushing.), Letitia Dean 1967 (Sharon, you slaaaggg!) and Faye Tozer 1975 (A Step.).

Anyone in amongst that lot able to give a toon to gramblerise? Prince Charles? I talk to the trees? Stephen Bishop? Awn en awn? No, it has to be Freddie with his Dreamers...

I'm grambling you now
I'm grambling you right away
I'll be grambling for many a day
I'm in love with you now

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. Guess what! We won! Yay! I say won. Oh. No, we really did make a profit. Yay! Four out of five predictions came good. Yay! So we got a return of £3.36. Yay! A profit of... are you ready for this?... £1.16. Whoop de fn doo. What happened? All is revealed below, fair reader...

Sunderland vs Southampton - Prediction Away win

Result - Sunderland 0 Southampton 1

Yay!

Southampton extended their unbeaten run in the Premier League to six games as Dusan Tadic's penalty left Sunderland in the relegation zone. Nuff said.

 

Brighton vs Milton Keynes Dons - Prediction Home win

Result - Brighton 2 MK Dons 1

Yay!

Solly March gave Brighton the perfect start when his excellent strike from 20 yards beat Dons keeper David Martin.

Jamie Murphy (ex-Motherwell goal machine) doubled the lead as he finished well after a good build up, but Nicky Maynard got one back soon after with a powerful snap shot.

Dons had a penalty appeal turned down when Samir Carruthers appeared to be fouled by Lewis ‘Slam’ Dunk after the break.

 

St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Home win

Result - St Johnstone 2 Kilmarnock 1

Yay!

Steven Smith nodded in Kallum Higginbotham's chipped cross to give Killie an early lead.

Michael O'Halloran levelled for Saints after a scramble in the box midway through the first half.

Chris Kane struck to give the home side the lead shortly after the break before Saints had Liam Craig sent off for a lunge on Smith.

 

St Mirren vs Hibernian - Prediction Away win

Result - St Mirren 1 Hibs 4

Yay!

Sean Kelly's strike put the Buddies ahead early on but Hibs quickly levelled through Jason Cummings' shot.

James ‘Ronan’ Keatings then netted twice with efforts from outside the box as the visitors took control before the break.

A foul on Liam Henderson led to a penalty for Hibs and Keatings completed his treble from the spot.

 

Brechin vs Ayr - Prediction Away win

Result - Brechin 1 Ayr 1

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

The visitors took the lead shortly before the break as Jamie Adams collected a pass from Robbie Crawford and lobbed goalkeeper Graeme Smith.

But Brechin drew level very early in the second half, Isaac Layne slamming home Willie Dyer's floated corner.

 

So, The Grambler had his/her/its best week of the season. Can he/she/it repeat (or even, improve upon) the result this week? Don’t hold your collective breath.

Any road up, there are only 28 senior games taking place this Saturday, the 14th of November, at 3pm. Apparently, there are some international friendlies taking place. Ho hum. So what has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Result - Odds

Bradford vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 9/20

Accrington Stanley vs Newport County - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Oxford United vs Cambridge United - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Annan Athletic vs Berwick - Prediction Home win - 10/11

East Fife vs East Stirling - Prediction Home win - 2/5

 

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£7.33

Not much, is it?

 

.....oooOooo.....

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked which club has conceded the most hat-tricks in the English Premiershit. Surprisingly, it is a team which currently sits 7th in the Premiershit - Southampton, who have shipped 16 hat-tricks in their time in the division. By the way, if you support Newcastle, I wouldn’t smirk too much, they are only one behind and, the way they are playing this season, could soon overtake the Saints.

One for this week? We are going for an international question, but sticking with hat-tricks. Who is the only player to score two hat-tricks in a Euro Finals tournament? Try that one down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, the answers to the ‘I used to be famous’ teaser. Number one was Richard O’Sullivan, famous for Man About the House and Robin’s Nest. Number two was Rodney Bewes who starred in The Likely Lads and Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads. Number three was Mary Tyler-Moore. Apologies to all of them for saying it, but - you haven’t half aged.

And finally finally, Cyril? And finally finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr S. Bishop for this brilliant performance from Kentucky Fried Movie.

Happy Grambling.

 

Friday 6 November 2015

Week 14 - Giving to charity the Grambler way


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

It has been a week when the only Portuguese people I know have been making headlines. Jose Mourinho aka the (not so) special one seems to have the backing of Chelsea’s owner, but not the backing of his players, one of whom has been noted as saying that he would rather lose than win for Mourinho. The team winning only two out of the last nine matches, suggests the unknown player could be right. John Terry has claimed that this is not the case. In other words, Mr Terry, you are saying that the team is useless.

Another Portuguese gentleman has also been in the news. There is a film of Cristiano Ronaldo about to be released... Hang on, that doesn’t read too well. The film is about to be released; not Mr Ronaldo. What can I say about Cristiano Ronaldo that hasn’t already been said? He is shy, modest and self-effacing. That has certainly never been said about him. He is a guy who knows he is a good footballer and has a huge ego to match his huge salary. The film has been described as a ‘vanity project’ for the man who claims he is better than Messi and says that people come to see him because he is ‘magnificent on the football field.’  What a tw*t! 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

What have Terrorvision and the Lighthouse Family got in common? Anyone? Yes, you at the back... No it’s not that they are both crap bands. I happen to quite like Terrorvision, I’ll have you know. I’ve even been to see them. Can’t recall if it was the first or second final reunion tour. No matter. Well, the answer to what they have in common is that, currently, you couldn’t give their albums away, let alone sell them. Let me explain. I recently gathered together a bundle of cds to sell, the proceeds of which were to go to the Bobby Moore Fund. The place to sell these seemed to be an on-line company called Music Mudpie, or something. Any road up, all I had to do was enter the barcode for each cd I wanted to sell and I could make a bundle of dosh for the fund. What could be simpler? Except it isn’t quite as easy as that. Most of the cds I tried to sell achieved a price of between 5 and 30 pees. Hmm... methinks the Bobby Moore Fund would not be receiving quite the fortune I was anticipating. Occasionally, something a bit more obscure would command a higher price... but, on the whole, 30 pees was the upper limit.

I must have had about 200 cds to sell, but could shift only about half of them. The reasons given for refusal to buy were that the cd had a barcode that was not recognised or, as in the case of the two bands already mentioned, they just weren’t interested. Sorry pardon excuse me? In the 80s, the Lighthouse Family were one of the highest earning bands on the planet; what has changed to make them so unpopular? Perhaps it is simply that they produced one brilliant single - Lifted - and then every record they produced thereafter was, basically, the same song. It all sounded a bit monotonous after a while. But Terrorvision? Why, they were the band credited with getting Stewart and Geraldine together. Yes indeed. It was their mutual appreciation of the band that first got them talking to each other. Isn’t that nice? In my humble opinion, Terrorvision were pretty darned good, back in the day. And I’m not just saying that because Tony Wright, their singer, follows The Grambler on Twitter. Surely, somebody, somewhere remembers them. According to Music Porkpie, nobody does.

Any road up, all you gramblerinis out there, I am going to repeat a suggestion I made back in July on The Grambler’s Facebook page. What do you mean, you didn’t know he/she/it had a Farcebook page? He/she/it is on Twitter too - @Lets Gramble. My suggestion is of a wonderful way to have a clear out and give money to the Bobby Moore Fund at the same time. How? Gather up all your unwanted cds and dvds that you are never going to listen to or watch again and send them off to musicMagpie (That isn’t my messing about with where the capital letters should be; that is how the company prints it.). When you receive your cheque, simply donate it to the fund via the usual means - https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 . Thus, you have given the house a tidy up and donated to charity as well. Brilliant, or what?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 7th of November? Why, yes. Quite definitely, some. Aggripina the Younger 15 (Derek Jacobi’s wife.), Marie Sklodowska-Curie 1862 (I was going to make a comment about glowing in the dark but, given that her death was caused by too much exposure to radiation, it’s not really appropriate.), Leon Trotsky 1879 (Name checked in No More Heroes.), Albert Camus 1913 (Not an existentialist? How absurd.), Billy Graham 1918 (He’s still alive? Praise the Lord!), Wolf Mankowitz 1924 (Trivia: Writer Wolf was taken on by Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman to co-write the original James Bond film, Dr. No. On seeing the early rushes, Mankowitz feared the film would be a disaster and would harm his reputation, so insisted on his name being removed from the credits. Who said numpty? A few years later he was employed to write the screenplay for the only non Broccoli/Saltzman Bond film of the era - the unmitigated disaster that was Casino Royale. Aye, numpty, right enough. Theme tune was okay, though.), Joan Sutherland 1926 (A bonzer singer, cobber.), Ivor Emmanuel 1928 (He was in Zulu, you know. Sang Men of Harlech a lot.), Peter Woods (Newsreader whose most famous TV moment was at the end of the Morecambe and Wise ‘There is nothing like a dame’ sketch.), Roberta Joan Anderson 1943 (Who? Joan is the clue. It’s Joni Mitchell, Mitchell being her married name.), Lucinda Green 1953 (Horsey woman.), Judy Tenuta 1956 (Accordian player.), John Barnes 1963 (Footy bloke. Stewart couldn’t stand him. He appreciated his skill as a player, but just couldn’t abide his voice when he talked. A fingernails down a blackboard moment.), Sharleen Spiteri 1967 (Trivia: Co-founder of Glasgow-based radio station ‘Beat 106’ in 1998 with Ally McCoist and Carol Smillie. They sold the station 8 months later for £32 million. Not a bad wee earner.), Mark Philippoussis 1976 (Huge tennisy bloke.), Rio Ferdinand and Jan Vennigoor of Hessilink 1978 (Footy blokes).

Hmm. Anyone in there to give us a toon to gramblerise? Well, no. Not really. However, there was a reference to a certain song by the Stranglers, so here is a little snippet [Snippet? Isn’t that a small greyhound type dog? - Ed.]...

Whatever happened to the gramblers?
Whatever happened to the gramblers?

No more gramblers any more
No more gramblers any more
No more gramblers any more
No more gramblers any more

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? We did better than the week before. Not too difficult, given that we won a big fat nothing that week. £1.84 back this time. Still 36 pees down, though. What happened?  All is revealed below, fair reader...

Swansea vs Arsenal - Prediction Away win

Result - Swansea 0 Arsenal 3

Yay!

Swansea's Bafetimbi Gomis (Cracking name of the week.) squandered the best chance of an entertaining but goalless first half.

Olivier Giroud headed Arsenal in front soon after the restart, before Laurent Koscielny seized on an error by former Gunners goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski to double their lead.

Joel Campbell struck on his first Premier League start to seal victory.

Good start by The Grambler.

Crewe Alexandria vs Sheffield United - Prediction Away win

Result - Crewe Alexandria 1 Sheffield United 0

Boo!

Jose 'Jim' Baxter forced a flying save from Ben 'Pat' Garratt with a long-range effort as the visitors started brightly.

However, Ryan Colclough's off-balance scuff and Marcus Haber's glancing header both skewed narrowly wide as the hosts settled into the game.

Colclough then scored Crewe's first goal in four games as he rifled past Mark Howard to seal the win.

Stevenage vs Oxford United - Prediction Away win

Result - Stevenage 1 Oxford United 5

Yay!

Ryan Taylor opened the scoring for Oxford before Chris Whelpdale levelled with a 30-yard chip.

Boro keeper Jesse Joronen saved Liam ‘Harry’ Sercombe's penalty after Dean ‘Cap’n Flint’ Parrett's foul, but could not save Sercombe's second spot-kick, as Jamie McCombe was sent off for hauling Danny Hylton down.

Alex MacDonald notched the third before Michael Tonge saw red for a two-footed challenge, and Taylor and Kemar 'Up on the' Roofe completed the rout with further goals.

 

Alloa vs Queen of the South - Prediction Away win

Result - Alloa 1 Queen of the South 2

Yay!

Graeme ‘Sherlock’ Holmes fired Alloa ahead with a shot from the edge of the area after just 31 seconds.

Gary Oliver converted a Derek ‘Tate and’ Lyle cross at the second attempt after Andy McNeil had saved his initial effort just 10 seconds into the second half.

Alloa's Jason ‘Andrew’ Marr's shot struck a post before Oliver netted the winning goal when he volleyed home Lyle's cross.

 

Cowdenbeath vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win

Result - Cowdenbeath 0 Dunfermline 0

Ooh! ‘It the bar!

The hosts reacted to the effort as if it were a victory, as they superbly shut out a side which has been scoring at a rate of more than three a game this season.

David ‘Paddy’ Hopkirk missed two early chances for the Pars and Marc McAusland's header was cleared off the line.

Joe Cardle was a constant threat but Dunfermline could not break through.

Okay, that was last week; what can The Grambler come up with this week? There are only 35 senior league games taking place this Saturday, the 7th of November at 3pm, due to the teams from the English lower leagues taking part in the first round of the FA Cup (Now known as the Emirates FA Cup). So what has The Grambler randomly selected for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Sunderland vs Southampton - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Brighton vs Milton Keynes Dons - Prediction Home win - 4/6

St Johnstone vs Kilmarnock - Prediction Home win - 13/20

St Mirren vs Hibernian - Prediction Away win - 4/7

Brechin vs Ayr - Prediction Away win - 10/11

If the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£8.87

Will this be the week when... No, I’m not going to even say it.

 

.....oooOooo.....

Hooray, it’s teaser time. Last week I asked who was the last player to score more than 300 goals in top flight English football. Wurl Saint, the arnser is nan avver then Greavsie (A reference there to his ‘double-act’ with Ian St John when they were known as Saint and Greavsie.). Yep, Jimmy Greaves scored 357 goals, making him the highest scorer in the history of English top-flight football. 268 of those were for Totenham Hotspur - a record for that club. In case you are interested, there are only another two names in the ‘over 300 club’. Steve Bloomer scored 317 and William ‘Dixie’ Dean scored 310.

Now then, one for this week. Which club has conceded the most hat-tricks in the English Premiershit? One to ask ‘em down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr P. Woods who appears in this week’s musical finale - There is Nothing Like a Dame .

Happy Grambling.