Saturday 24 July 2021

Post 418 - To boldly gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

Story time...

Space. The final frontier. So said a wise man some fifty odd years ago... James T. Kirk, to be precise. [I think you'll find that it was more likely to be a script writer who came up with the line. - Ed.]

Mankind has always had the urge to venture far from home in the hope of reaching a far off land with interesting inhabitants... who can then be subjugated (That's a good word; wonder what it means.) in the name of colonialism.

History has been littered with famous names who went pioneering; great explorers like... Marco Polo, Christopher Columbus, Captain Cook, Roald Amundsen, Thor Heyerdahl and Ranulf Fiennes to name but five... and Ranulf Fiennes.

Add to those the names of Beardy bloke and Baldy bloke... You know who I mean. Two of the world's richest men? Pioneers?

Indeed. Two men with so much money that they don't know what to spend it on. So what do they do? Attempt to solve world hunger? As if. Try to halt global warming? Not a bit of it. Provide pandemic vaccines to the poorer countries of the world? I should cocoa. No. They want to spend their dosh on going into space. The expression about a fool and his money comes to mind.

Only, these guys are not fools. Look at their business ventures. They know how to make money, and lots of it, that's for sure. This, to them is just the start of something big... Space tourism. Who can blame them when there are so many countries we’re not allowed to visit without proof that we have been double jabbed.

And they certainly know how to get publicity.

Beardy bloke was the first to boldly go where no bearded multi-billionaire has been before. He reached the edge of space in his Virginia Galaxy craft (Yes, I know that isn't quite the name. I don't want any calls from lawyers.) which unlike other spacecraft, doesn't leave debris behind it. Rather than being fired into space by rockets, it hitches a lift on a specially designed aeroplane which takes it up to a height of 15 kilometres after which it utilises its own power to reach approximately 90 km above the Earth from which altitude it glides back to the planet's surface. And guess what... It doesn't even count as a space flight, although Beardy bloke and his crew did experience weightlessness.

Not a space flight? How so, I hear you ask. Well, it didn't reach the magic 100km, the so-called Karman line accepted by astronomers and the like as being the proper start of space... hmm, seems a rather convenient made-up figure to me.

Anyway, no doubt Baldy bloke (Remember him?) will claim bragging rights because even though he was not the first billionaire to attempt the trip to space, his craft did go up to and beyond that line. So he can say that he more baldly (Do you see what I did there?) went where no bald multi-billionaire has gone before. He took three others with him. One of the passengers who was meant to be on the flight couldn't manage the trip even though he had won an online auction by bidding... wait for it... $28 million! Twenty eight million dollars and he didn't even get to go! [What were you saying about a fool and his money? - Ed.]

The difference between Baldy bloke's craft and Beardy bloke's is that this time it was a proper rocket that took the four passengers up into space. I don't know if you saw pictures of it, but news programmes should really have censored the images. Mary Whitehouse would not have approved, that's for sure. It couldn't have been more phallic. In fact, I wonder if Baldy bloke was having a laugh when it was designed that way. And I suspect that Baldy bloke is Jewish. [Eh? Oh, I see. Yes, definitely. - Ed.]

Tuesday's lift off with Baldy bloke [Lift off with Ayshea, surely. - Ed.]... showing your age there... was all over the news media. P.T. Barnum, the nineteenth century showman said that there is no such thing as bad publicity. I think Baldy bloke has taken it one step further believing that any publicity is good publicity. I would suggest that is not quite true. Ask a tory minister who recently had to resign because of a little too much publicity, if you don't believe me.

I would say that foolhardy wasting of cash is not going to endear you to your customers, though. Even worse were his comments after the 10 minute space flight. (That's all it lasted. Seriously. At least Beardy bloke was up there for an hour.) He thanked everyone, that is, his customers, by stating that they had paid for his short excursion. Arrogant tw*t.

From now on, whenever I want to buy anything on line, and I suspect a lot of people think the same way, I plan to use Baldy bloke's company as infrequently as possible.

Another bloke with too much money might be making a similar trip soon. Ian Musk ox, he of electric car fame, is planning his own trip into space. [I can't wait... yawn. - Ed.]

Did I call these guys pioneers? Sorry guys, as far as space tourism goes, some ultra-rich bloke was there before you... twenty years before you, in fact. In 2001 Dennis Tito spent eight days (See that guys? Not ten minutes. Not an hour. Eight days.) aboard the International Space Station. He paid $20 million for the privilege.

Two and a half million a day? A bargain.

Ooh... matron.


 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 24th of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Renee Houston 1902 - Actress. Agatha Spanner in Carry On at Your Convenience. Her.

Nora Swinburne 1902 - Actress. Aunt Hester Forsyte in The Forsyte Saga. Her.

Peter Yates 1929 - Director. Bullitt. One of his.

Les Reed 1935 - Songwriter. Have a clip. This is a tune used by Radio North Sea... Man of Action.

Heinz Burt 1942 - Musician. One time Tornado, here’s a solo toon... Live It Up.

Martin Edwards 1945 - One time chairman of Manchester United so, I suppose that counts as a footy bloke.

Chris Smith 1951 - Poltician.

Lynval Golding 1951 - Musician. A Special and one third of Fun Boy Three. Here’s Our Lips Are Sealed.

Larry Gott 1957 - Musician. One time member of James. Let’s have some Sound.

Joe McGann 1958 - Actor. Edward Hutchinson in Hollyoaks. Him.

Mick Karn 1958 - Musician. He was a member of Japan, but here’s a track he made with Midge Ure... After a Fashion.

Jim Leighton 1958 - Fitba guy.

Leo Williams 1959 - Musician. Co-founder of Big Audio Dynamite. Let’s have a track from them (second in four weeks). Here’s Sony.  An irony is that Sony, the company being lambasted in that song, later bought over the label which made B.A.D. records... When I say B.A.D. records, I don't mean the records were bad, but that they were records made by Big Audio Dynamite aka B.A.D. [A few would say they were bad; really bad. - Ed.]

Kerry Dixon 1961 - Footy bloke.

Cleo Rocos 1962 - Actress. Famous for being a stooge to Kenny Everett.

Julie Graham 1965 - Actress. Rhona Kelly in Shetland. Her.

Martin Keown 1966 - Footy bloke.

Julia Bradbury 1970 - TV presenter.

John Partridge 1971 - Actor. Christian Clarke in Eastenders. Him.

Laura Fraser 1976 - Actress. Sarah Gordon in Traces. Her.

Jack Tarlton 1976 - Actor. Fiscal John in... would you Adam and Eve it... Traces.

Danny Dire 1977 [You’ve spelt his name wrongly. - Ed.] No, I haven’t - Ector, innee.

David Leon 1980 - Actor. DS Joe Ashworth in Vera. Him.

Jai McDowell 1986 - Singer. Winner of Britain’s Got Talent in 2011. Here’s a song both of you might know. When I say both, I mean you two.

Jay McGuinness 1990 - Singer. One time member of The Wanted. Have a toon.  Here's Walks like Rihanna.

Jordan McGhee 1996 - Fitba guy fae Polomint City.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Leo Grambliams,

I absolutely loved Big Audio Dynamite and have all the records. What was the last single to chart before you left and the band became Big Audio Dynamite II?

With kind regards,

Con Tact.

[Are you a closet Big Audio Dynamite fan? - Ed.]

I might be.  Doesn't make you a bad person... Hang on, yes, it does make you a bad person.

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

What happened with the gee gees last week?

Horse - Meeting - Time - Odds

Beauty Inspire - Curragh - 2.20 - WINNER

Alqamar - Cartmel - 2.30 - WINNER

Tadreeb - Ripon - 5.05 - THIRD

Moon Island - Doncaster - 6.35 - WINNER

Montather - Doncaster - 7.35 - UNPLACED

Three out of five. Hey ho, at least we got something back from our £2.40 stake. How much? £3.10. 70 pees profit... not to be sneezed at.

What has The Grambler got up his/her/its RAM this week? Oh, more horseracing.

Horse - Meeting - Time - Odds

Mohaafeth - York - 3.15 - 11/10

Wahraan - Newmarket - 3.40 - 5/4

Liquid Luck - Gowran Park - 4.35 - 2/1

American Star - Salisbury - 6.35 - 11/10

Nine Tales - Salisbury - 7.05 - 4/6

Well, the bets are placed. As with the footy bets, there are ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. And to make things interesting, we have an each way bet on the accumulator. Woo! If all five horses run quicker than all the others in their respective races, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of... fanfare please...

£20.34

[You’re having a laugh, right? - Ed.]

Er... no.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1978 in Camberwell. I played as a centre back. I began my senior career with West Ham and made over 150 appearances before moving for a brief spell at Leeds. The bulk of my career was spent at Manchester United; I made over 450 appearances for the Old Trafford side. I was capped for England 81 times. After retiring from football, I considered becoming a boxer. I have now settled into a career as a football pundit.

Answer - Rio Ferdinand

2. Back to Euro 2020, who was named as player of the tournament?

Answer - Gianluigi Donnarumma

3. Which German player has scored the most Premier League goals?

Answer - Mezut Ozil

4. Another Euro 2020 one. Which is the only one of the 24 countries that took part in the finals not to have any players from its national league?

Answer - Wales

5. Bukayo Saka won Arsenal’s Player of the Year Award, the first English player to win it for ten years; who was the recipient in 2011?

Answer - Jack Wilshere

How about five for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1989 in Laval, France. I started my senior career, though never played, at A.C. Milan. Instead, I was loaned out to various clubs, the last of which was St. Etienne who signed me in 2011. In 2013 I moved to Borussia Dortmund. In 2018 I joined a Premier League side and have, so far, scored 64 goals in 114 appearances. I have been capped 66 times for Gabon.

2. Which Belgian player has made the most Premier League appearances?

3. Patrick Vieira, Richard Dunne and Duncan Ferguson share which Premier league record?

4. Which Ballon d’Or winning player had a galaxy named after him in 2015?

5. Which former Tottenham Hotspur manager has competed in the Dakar Rally?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I thought that as the 2020 Olympic Games have finally begun, it would be nice to view a video for Scotland’s last Olympic Games bid which showcased not a city, not even a town, in fact, it was more like a village. Its name? Stoney Bridge.

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 17 July 2021

Post 417 - A sassy gramble

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

Story time...

Well, that's the footy over for a wee while. This week, I will steer clear of football... almost. While I wasn't too bothered which side won on Sunday, I have to say that I am glad that Italy won if only to silence the 'football's coming home' brigade.

It was getting ridiculous during the lead up to the final. My favourite newspaper, the Daily Fail (and I say that with tongue firmly in cheek) devoted 32 pages of a 100 page newspaper to the final on Saturday. They still devoted 30 odd pages to the game in Monday's edition. And England lost. How much would have been dedicated to the match had England won? It would probably have been an ‘England is the Best in Europe at something’ souvenir edition. The xenophobia over the past few weeks has been shocking. The editors of this (and any other English newspaper) seem to forget that their publication is sold in other countries in the UK and none of the inhabitants of those countries wanted England to win... unless they came from England and moved ‘abroad’.

Anyway, you'll be pleased to learn that this week's rant does not involve footy. Not too much, anyway. No doubt, you'll also be pleased to learn that I will not end with a wordplay based on a footballer's name. [Hurrah! - Ed.] I did feel a tad sorry for poor old Marco Rushworth whose penalty attempt hit the post. Mark O’Rashton. You remember him. You do. Martin Rumford. He's the one who gave millions of quids to provide deprived children with meals during the lockdown. Maybe he should consider a change of career. I hear councils are crying out for school dinner ladies.

Any road up, this week, I am concentrating on a couple of items from the aforesaid 'newspaper', the Daily Fail. I put the word newspaper in inverted commas not because I don't consider the Fail to be a newspaper (That's a given.) but because many news items are anything but. News, that is. Here are just two ‘news’ items...

In the first, the headline reads something like 'People with fewer teeth missing are less likely to suffer from dementia'. It then reports the findings of a study of some 43,000 people which was conducted in the good ol' US of A. It suggested, according to the Fail, that the more teeth you had missing, the more likely it was that you would suffer from dementia in old age. Fair enough. If that's what a survey found, then it must be a fact. Or is it? The article then went on to say that people who had false teeth were less likely to suffer from dementia than people with teeth missing. So, let's get this straight, people with a few teeth missing are more likely to get dementia than people who still have all their teeth or, indeed, those with no teeth at all (other than the false variety)? Something doesn't add up, does it?

The final paragraph answers the query. The conclusion drawn by the statisticians is that no conclusion can be drawn. Sorry pardon excuse me? The article is turned on its head by stating that dementia might not be caused by a lack of gnashers, but that the lack of teeth might be down to dementia.

That actually makes more sense; a person with dementia is less likely to take care of his or her teeth and so would probably lose more teeth and would also be less likely to wear dentures.

Thus, the whole article was a waste of everyone's time. It began by stating some facts and ended by refuting those facts. Basically, it needn't have been written at all because it has nothing to say.

The same goes for another article which featured a couple of royals. The Fail loves a story featuring the royal family, especially if it can shoehorn a mention of Princess Di into it.

Strangely, this item did not mention said lady, although her ex-hubby did feature.

The headline was an attention grabber reading something like 'Will Charles stop Edward becoming Duke of Edinburgh?' Ooh, another note of discord in the Windsor family; worth a read thinks I.

The article tells us that the Edinburgh title goes to the heir to the throne (Charlie) until he ascends the throne (King Charlie). However, prior to Phil the Greek’s demise, it was agreed by Betty, Phil and Charlie that Eddie should take the title after that. You see, Eddie is only an earl not a duke. So, he would be getting a promotion. I wasn't aware that earls were inferior to dukes. I just thought they were all over-privileged layabouts scrounging off the state. There you go. You learn something every day.

The story then goes on to tell us that sources (unnamed, of course) suggest Charlie has reneged on this agreement with his mum and late dad and that he won't give the title to his little bro, after all. What a cad. Or a bounder. [Is a cad inferior to a bounder? - Ed.]

But then the article ends by saying that Clarence House, when approached, said this is all just speculation. [Wow! A talking house! - Ed.] Clarence House is the name given whenever Charlie wants a statement given to the press; not a talking house... although it is a house. It is where Charlie and Camilla live.

It is just a typical Daily Fail story... story being the correct term, I think... which speculates on some 'facts' but winds the story up by saying it is all bollocks.

And they say good journalism is dead.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 10th of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

James III 1451 - The well-known king.

Evelyn Laye 1900 - Jobbing actress. In her later years, her parts were usually called Gran.

Donald Peers 1908 - Chanter. Have a clip. Please, don't go.  No, seriously, don't.  The audience look totally bemused by this 60 year old singing a song based on a classical piece. Top of the Pops? Don’t think so. More Top of the Grandpops.

Terry-Thomas 1911 - Actor. Famous for playing cads and bounders. [I wonder if he knew Prince Charles? - Ed.]

Reg Smythe 1917 - Cartoonist. Andy Capp was his most famous creation. Andy Capp was shown as a total waster from Geordieland. He was never seen without a cigarette, spent most of his time in the pub, so was often drunk and gambled heavily. His wife, Florrie, was something of a battleaxe and was often shown in nightgown and curlers by the front door awaiting her beloved... armed with a rolling pin ready to belt him one. Not the best advert for the northeast of England.

Ian Wallace 1919 - Another chanter. Have a clip.  Here's Roses of Picardy.

Mike Costin 1929 - Engineer. Co-founder of Cosworth Engineering... of Formula 1 racing fame... and Ford Escorts and Sierras.

Winnie Ewing 1929 - Politician.

Tom Farmer 1940 - Businessman. Founder of Kwik-Fit.

Virginia Wade 1945 - Tennisy bloke.

Neil Tennant 1954 - A Pet Shop Boy. Have a clip. I don’t know about you but this one is always on my mind.

Andrew Giddings 1963 - Musician. One-time keyboard player for Jethro Tull, He also worked on two of Jethro Tull main man Ian Anderson’s solo albums. Have a clip, In a Stone Circle.  [I've never had a clip in a stone circle before. - Ed.]

Emma Fielding 1966 - Actress. Miss Galindo in Cranford. Her.

Jamie Glover 1969 - Actor. James Lacey in Agatha Raisin. Him.

Jason Orange 1970 - One time Take That member. Have a clip.  Here's Flowerbed with Mr Orange in charge of vocals.  [That was Tim Roth, wasn't it? - Ed.]

Lisa Coleman 1970 - Actress. Cam Lawson in The Story of Tracy Beaker, Tracy Beaker Returns and My Mum Tracy Beaker. Her. [Talk about typecast! - Ed.]

John Simm 1970 - Actor. Sam Tyler in Life on Mars. Him.

Peter Serafinowicz 1972 - Actor/comedian.

Lucy Gaskell 1980 - Actress. Judy in Lesbian Vampire Killers. Her.

David Turnbull 1999 - Fitba guy who left the Mighty ’Well to join Celtic. Boo! Turnbull? Turncoat, more like.

Maisie Smith 2001 - Actress. Tiffany Butcher-Baker-Candlestick Maker in Eastenders. Her.

And now, 17th of July...

Hardy Amies 1909 - Tailor. Factoid - He designed the costumes for 2001: A Space Odyssey. I’m not sure if that included the ape suits.

Albert Stubbins 1919 - Footy bloke. Factoid - He was on the cover of the Beatles’ Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

Albert's in there somewhere

Kenneth Wolstenholme 1920 - Football commentator. Spoke those famous words, ‘There are people on the pitch! They think it’s all over! It is now!’

John Cooper 1923 - Car maker. His name is still used to signify sportiness in the MINI range.

Jean Muir 1928 - Fashion designer.

Kenneth Grange 1929 - Industrial designer. He designed many familiar items such as pens, food mixers and Instamatic cameras.

Ray Galton 1930 - Screenwriter. With Alan Simpson, he wrote scripts for comedies such as Hancock’s Half Hour and Steptoe and Son.

Spencer Davis 1939 - Musician. Time for a clip. You can sing along to this one. Here's Keep On Running.

Joe Baker 1940 - Fitba bloke/footy guy.

Tim Brooke-Taylor 1940 - Comedian.

Bob Taylor 1941 - Crickety bloke.

Zoot Money 1942 - Musician. Have a clip. This is The Uncle Willie... It’s a dance, in case you were wondering.

Peter Sissons 1942 - Newsreader.

Catherine Schell 1944 - Actress. Nancy in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. That’s the one with George Lazenby as James Bond.

Peter Cormack 1946 - Fitba guy.

Alun Armstrong 1946 - Actor. Jim in Breeders. Him. He is a popular go to guy, it seems, with 147 credits on IMDb ranging from 1963 to 2021. Seven different decades.

Jeffrey Holland 1946 - Actor. Spike Dixon in Hi-de-Hi! Him.

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall 1947 - Charlie’s missus.

Mick Tucker (I said Tucker) 1948 - Sweet drummer... I mean he drummed for Sweet, the band... not that I thought he was... Have a clip.  This is Little Willy. [Doing the Uncle Willie and now you can’t push your willy where your willy won’t go? What the devil is going on this week? - Ed.]

Wayne Sleep 1948 - Hoofer.

Terence ‘Geezer’ Butler 1949 - Bassist and main lyricist for Black Sabbath. Here’s an oldie, Paranoid.

Fern Britten 1957 - TV presenter.

Jeremy Hardy 1961 - Comedian.

Darren Day 1968 - Actor, it says here.

Mandy Smith 1970 - Actress and model, it says here, but she was more famous for marrying Bill Wyman who was 34 years older than her.

Matthew Crompton 1971 - Actor. Dan Mason in Coronation Street. Him.

Konnie Huq 1975 - TV presenter.

Gino D’Acampo 1976 - TV chef.

Tom Cullen 1985 - Actor. Anthony Gillingham in Downton Abbey. Him.

Andrew Shinnie 1989 - Fitba guy.

Jack Leitch 1995 - Fitba guy.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Grambler Davis,

It was so nice to hear one of your group’s records. I have always been a fan, which means I must be very old indeed, because your last top ten hit must have been as far back as 1967. Unfortunately, with age comes forgetfulness, because I can’t remember what it was called. Can you help me? (With the name of the record, not my forgetfulness.) I think it was 1967 and was probably your last top ten hit record. Can you remember its title? It might have been in 1967.

With fond regards,

I. Mamman.

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

To recap, as the blog a fortnight ago was late, I gave the results of the games in that week’s gramble. They all went as predicted. However, because one game went beyond the 90 minutes, it meant that the bet didn’t stand. Never mind, we still won £4.92 from our £3 stake.

What can we involve The Grambler in this week? Hmm... What about the gee gees? Yes, why not. Here are five random selections from Saturday the 17th of July’s racecards...

Horse - Meeting - Time - Odds

Beauty Inspire - Curragh - 2.20 - Evens

Alqamar - Cartmel - 2.30 - 6/4

Tadreeb - Ripon - 5.05 - 5/4

Moon Island - Doncaster - 6.35 - 4/6

Montather - Doncaster - 7.35 - 11/10

Well, the bets are placed. As with the footy bets, there are ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. And to make things interesting, we have an each way bet on the accumulator. Woo! [How does that work, then? - Ed.] Erm... Haven’t got a scoobie. All I know is that if all five horses run quicker than all the others in their respective races, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of... fanfare please...

£17.20

[No chance. - Ed.]

That’s just what I was thinking.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1976 in Dvirkivshchyna which at that time was in the Soviet Union. I played for Dynamo Kyiv at the start of my senior career before moving to Milan and Chelsea. I returned to Dynamo to end my career. In all, I played 704 games and scored 343 goals. I scored a total of 176 times for Milan making me the second most prolific player in the club’s history. After my playing career, I tried politics before moving into football management.

Answer - Andriy Shevchenko (Ukraine manager)

2. Which club was represented by the most players at the Euro 2020 finals?

Answer - Chelsea (17)

3. Where will Euro 2024 be held?

Answer - Germany

4. Which team has appeared in the finals eight times and has always progressed from the group stages?

Answer - Portugal

5. Which player has appeared in the most consecutive finals?

Answer - Rainer Bonhof (West Germany. Three 1972, 76 and 80)

How about some for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1978 in Camberwell. I played as a centre back. I began my senior career with West Ham and made over 150 appearances before moving for a brief spell at Leeds. The bulk of my career was spent at Manchester United; I made over 450 appearances for the Old Trafford side. I was capped for England 81 times. After retiring from football, I considered becoming a boxer. I have now settled into a career as a football pundit.

2. Back to Euro 2020, who was named as player of the tournament?

3. Which German player has scored the most Premier League goals?

4. Another Euro 2020 one. Which is the only one of the 24 countries that took part in the finals not to have any players from its national league?

5. Bukayo Saka won Arsenal’s Player of the Year Award, the first English player to win it for ten years; who was the recipient in 2011?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. P. Serafinowicz... I think I pronounced that right... whose birthday we missed last week. He has made a name for himself in the good ol’ U S of A with his impressions of a certain ‘sassy’ ex-president. He even voices a character called Fred Sassy (whose face is familiar) who investigates what that ex-president might term deep fake news. Here’s Sassy Justice.

 

 

 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.

 

Sunday 4 July 2021

Post 416 - Grambling's coming home

 

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for omplgood. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

Story time...

Have you been watching the Euros? I have tried to watch most of the games and, by and large, they have been enjoyable. Let's not think too much about Scotland's performances. They only seemed to come alive for one game, but they still couldn't fashion a win out of it. A famous draw doesn't sound as good as a famous win. And don't mention the goalie on the half way line. As you all know, I like to watch Motherwell... somebody's got to do it... and while I don't generally shout when I'm watching, the one thing that makes me give voice is when the goalkeeper ventures too far out of the box. Then you will hear me screaming, 'Get back on your line you stupid cu... [Steady. - Ed.] goalkeeper!', which is exactly what I was shouting at the TV moments before Czech Republic scored their second goal.

Once again, as in every tournament of this nature there is a massive spoiler for me... the commentators. Every game has to have an English link somewhere, according to them.

The most exciting games were, for me, the last group games where Portugal were leading France and Turkey were beating Germany. At various times during the games the group 'as it stands' information was displayed on the screen. At one moment Germany wouldn't qualify, then, as another goal got scored, Portugal would be the team that wouldn't qualify. In the end, it was Turkey that failed to get through to the next round.

Okay, those of you with little interest in the beautiful game are perhaps bored with me imparting such information but, bear with me [Behhh. - Ed.] ahem... this does lead somewhere.

When these informative details were shown on the screen, the commentators and 'match summarisers' (For match summariser, read annoying ex-footballer who likes to talk about how things have changed since his day.) spent the time not really bothering about which teams would qualify for the next stage, instead talking at some length about which team England would meet in the next round.

The information details are barely up for half a minute, but they managed to talk about whether it would be better for England to face France, Portugal or Germany for the next five minutes or so when they should have been telling us, the viewers, what was happening in the match we were watching... a match where England were not even bloody involved!

As I mentioned earlier, there is always that England link which must be crowbarred in somewhere. A fact such as the German player who grew up in England and had English parents, but was born in Germany and chose Germany over England when it came to representing a country.

If any of the footballers play for an English club, that has to be mentioned, of course. During one of the matches it was speculated that a particular club might be 'interested' in a player. Why is that of any blibbing importance?

One commentator even thought it important to tell us that the man in charge of VAR for a particular game was an Englishman.

It really doesn't matter how trivial a fact might be, if there is any minute snippet of information linking a foreign player to England, the commentators will find it and tell us about it...

'An interesting fact about this player is that his mother once went out with someone from Rotherham.'

'His great aunt once visited Sidcup.'

'His great great grandmother on his father's side once shook hands with a man from Uttoxeter.'

Okay, I may have made those up, but they do illustrate how tenuous some of the associations with England are.

Sadly, as we now know, England faced Germany in the last 16. I say sadly, because it meant that the commentary team had a ball referring to 1966 every few minutes. Well, I'm assuming they did because, after the first few minutes of jingoistic tub-thumping, I couldn't take any more and had to turn the sound off.

Sadder still, England beat Germany. You know what that means, don't you? Barry Longacre, Alien Shearing and the rest of the pundits will be hailing this England squad as the greatest team ever and won't stop telling us about it from now until they get beaten. And if they do get beaten, you can bet that everything other than the team will be blamed... poor refereeing, dirty tackles from the other team, VAR not working properly... If only an English ref had been on VAR duties.

Honestly, I have nothing against the team; if they play well and win a game or two, then that is great. I just can't stand the crowing from the media.

I opened my (least) favourite newspaper, the Maily Dail, today to find that not only was the England/Germany game occupying most of the sports pages, but the first six pages were also filled with articles with headlines such as 'England erupts as we beat old foe at Wembley - ending 55 years of hurt'. Or, how about 'England Joy as Dam Finally Bursts'? The wartime references of beating Jerry are clear for all to see. If the newspaper could play the Dambusters March at this point it surely would. Jeez! No wonder the EU were glad to see the back of us. We were also told to head to pages 4 and 5 with the line 'Misery for Germans'... Cue Winston Churchill, 'We will fight them on the beaches, etc.'

I said I wanted England to do well, but I've just thought of something awful that would happen if they do win... that awful Three Lions song by Frank Skinner and David Baddiel would get to number one. Again.

Hmm...

Come on the Ukraine!

Sorry, I meant Denmark.  


.....oooOooo.....

 

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 3rd of July? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Robert Adam 1728 - Architect.

Doris Lloyd 1896 - Jobbing actress. 203 IMDb credits. Wow!

Ludwig Guttmann 1899 - Neurologist. Never heard of him? He is the man who came up with the concept of the paralympic games.

George Sanders 1906 - Actor. If ever a posh scoundrel was needed, George was your man. Voiced Shere Khan in 1967’s Jungle Book.

Michael Barrington 1924 - Actor. Governor Venables in Porridge. Him.

Ken Russell 1927 - Film director.

Robert Robertson 1930 - Actor with unimaginative parents. Dr. Stephen Andrews in Taggart. Him.

Tom Stoppard 1937 - Playwright.

Gary Waldhorn 1943 - Actor. David Horton in The Vicar of Dibley. Him.

Paul Young 1944 - Actor. Shug in Still Game. Him.

Gavin Richards 1946 - Actor. Terry Raymond in Eastenders. Him.

Susan Penhaligon 1949 - Actress. Prue Sorenson in Bouquet of Barbed Wire. Her.

John Verity 1949 - Musician. Here he is fronting his own band, Verity, with Rescue Me.

Andy Fraser 1952 - Musician. Began his career as bassist with Free, but here is a later solo track, Fine Fine Line.

Kate Fitzgerald 1956 - Actress. Loretta Chase in Benidorm. Her.

Poly Styrene 1957 - Singer with X-Ray Spex. Here’s their biggie, Germ Free Adolescents.

Sian Lloyd 1958 - Weather lady.

Charlie Higson 1958 - Actor, comedian and orfer.

Julie Burchill 1959 - Journalist, writer and broadcaster.

Graham Roberts 1959 - Footy bloke.

Vince Clarke 1960 - Musician. Keyboard wizard with Depeche Mode, Yazoo, The Assembly and Erasure. Let’s have a bit of Yazoo, here's Don't Go.

Tim Smith 1961 - Frontman with The Cardiacs. Have a clip. Here’s Is This The Life.

Mark Cotgrove aka Snowboy 1961 - Bandleader. Here’s a bit of... Latin jazz? It’s The New Avengers

Suzanne Dando 1961 - Gymnasticky bloke.

Tracey Emin 1963 - Artist, it says here.

Joanne Harris 1964 - Orfer. Chocolat, that was one of hers.

Tommy Flanagan 1965 - Actor. Filip ‘Chibs’ Telford in Sons of Anarchy. Him.

Alain Whyte 1967 - Musician. Known as Morrissey’s main songwriting partner. Co-wrote this one, Irish Blood English Heart.

Arlene Foster 1970 - Norn Airsh politician.

Benedict Wong 1971 - Actor. Mr Wickfield in The Personal History of David Copperfield. Him.

Julian Assange 1971 - Namedropper.

Mathew Bose 1967, 1973 or 1977 (depending on which information source you use) - Actor. Paul Lambert in Emmerdale. Him.

Emma Cunniffe 1973 - Actor. Sydney in Roadkill. Her.

Dan Clark 1976 - Actor, writer and comedian. Wrote and starred in How Not to Live Your Life.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last week? Well, the first two games went according to The Grambler’s predictions, but then just went to pot. So, a little bit of dosh back. 74 pees to be precise. What happened?

Italy vs Austria - Sat/8pm - Italy to win - Corretto/Richtig

Belgium vs Portugal - Sun/8pm - Belgium to win - Correct/Corrigir

France vs Switzerland - Mon/8pm - France to win - Erreur/Erreur

England vs Germany - Tues/5pm - Germany to win - Wrong/Falsch

Sweden vs Ukraine - Tues/8pm - Sweden to win - Orätt/Неправильно

Okay how about some predictions for this weekend’s Euro games? Uh oh. We’re at the quarter finals stage. Only four games to choose from. I know, let’s go for all possible bets on the four. Sorry pardon excuse me? Yes, we’ll have singles, doubles, trebles and the four game accumulator. Fifteen bets in total. Yes, I know that means upping the amount we bet from £2.20 to £3 but, come on, it’s the Euros. It won’t happen again... Well, not until the World Cup next year. So, what has The Grambler randomly selected?

Game - Day/time - Result - Odds

Switzerland vs Spain - Fri/5pm - Spain to win - 8/13

Belgium vs Italy - Fri/8pm - Italy to win - 11/8

Czech Rep. vs Denmark - Sat/5pm - Denmark to win - 11/10

Ukraine vs England - Sat/8pm - England to win - 2/5

Spain to beat Switzerland? Italy to beat Belgium? Hmm... Any road up, if they all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to win the grand sum of...

£13.02

Hardly grand. Just, okayish. [You won’t win; save your money. - Ed.]

Update...

Okay, as this week’s blog is somewhat late, we already know the results of these games. They all went as predicted by The Grambler. Yay! No, not yay. Spain took too long over it. You what? You see, the bets were based on the result after 90 minutes. The Spain Switzerland game went to extra time and, ultimately, penalties. That meant that the bet failed. Boo! However, the other three games won us some dosh. Yay! How much? Erm... £4.92. Thus, from our £3 bet we won... now, let me see... no, don’t rush me... £1.92. Better than a slap in the puss.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Bayonne in 1968. I was a defensive midfielder and played the bulk of my senior career at Nantes, Marseilles and Juventus, making over 100 appearances for each club. I was capped more than 100 times for my country. I captained them for both a World Cup and a Euros title. I am currently manager of a team which is in Euros 2020.

Answer - Didier Deschamps

2. Which country has featured in the top eight placed teams the most times without ever being champions?

Answer - Engerland

3. Which country has appeared in the finals the most times without ever progressing beyond the group stage?

Answer - Scotland

4. How old was Norway’s Martin Ødegaard when he played in a qualifying match against Bulgaria in 2016?

Answer - 15 years 300 days, making him the youngest ever player in a qualifying match.

5. How many stadia [Show-off! - Ed.] have been used as venues for this years tournament?

Answer - 11. Do you want me to list them? No? Good.

 

What about a few for this week?

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1976 in Dvirkivshchyna which at that time was in the Soviet Union. I played for Dynamo Kyiv at the start of my senior career before moving to Milan and Chelsea. I returned to Dynamo to end my career. In all, I played 704 games and scored 343 goals. I scored a total of 176 times for Milan making me the second most prolific player in the club’s history. After my playing career, I tried politics before moving into football management.

2. Which club was represented by the most players at the Euro 2020 finals?

3. Where will Euro 2024 be held?

4. Which team has appeared in the finals eight times and has always progressed from the group stages?

5. Which player has appeared in the most consecutive finals?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign


.....oooOooo.....

 

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

[I hope you don’t give us another silly football name gag. - Ed.]

Oh go on, let me.

[Weeeell... - Ed.]

Thanks...

‘Ay up, did you hear my lad, our Daniel, was to get a new company van?’

‘Aye, I’d heard that he wanted a Transit.’

‘Nay, he couldn’t have a Transit, he’s been told he had to buy British... well, English.’

‘Well, that’s not fair; not when your Dan picked Ford.’

[Are you going to do one, then? - Ed.]

That was it.

[What was it? - Ed.]

Your Dan picked Ford... Jordan Pickford. Do you get it?

[Oh, the goalkeeper. I see. Feeble. - Ed.]

Not English.  Not allowed.


 

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

 

Happy grambling.