Friday, 22 March 2019

Week 30/31 - The Grambler dresses up


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

 

What did you used to dress up as at Halloween when you were a nipper?

That's an odd start to this week's edition of the world's greatest ill-informed blog, you must be thinking. I say must... maybe you're not thinking that at all. How would I know? I'm just saying you might be thinking that. Mmm... aye.
Anyway, you might also be thinking that I'm a bit early. It's March, for goodness' sake. Halloween isn't until the end of October.

There is a reason for asking. If you were like me, you probably went out guising... that's what kids do in Scotland... none of this trick or treating lark... dressed in something homemade. Cowboys were a popular choice of outfit when I were a lad. [Uh oh, Hovis time. - Ed.] All it needed was a toy gun and a cowboy hat. Nurses' outfits were a popular choice for girls.

I do remember the first time I went out guising at Halloween. I was four and the family had just moved to polo mint city from Derby. Down there, nobody really did Halloween, but up here in Scotland it was a big event in a child's calendar. So it was all a new experience to my big brother and me. My mother, who was a pretty accomplished seamstress, really seemed to relish the chance to make some interesting outfits. My own was quite simple to achieve, although by today's standards a wee bitty racist. I was what used to be known as an ‘onion Johnny’ (which had nothing to do with flavoured condoms). An onion Johnny was a French onion seller who got on his bike and crossed the channel to flog his wares. Basically, my outfit consisted of a pair of jeans, a stripy shirt and a beret. Okay, so mum didn't spend a great deal of time over my outfit... I think she painted a French looking moustache on my mush and threw a string of onions around my neck. Et voila! Le Johnny d'oignon.

She did, however, pull out all the stops for my nine year old brother’s outfit. If my outfit was a bit racist, his was incredibly racist. He was dressed as a ‘Coolie’, an offensive term even then for a labourer from China. Seamstress mum took a length of material and dyed it black before using it to make what, to me, looked like a pair of pyjamas. However, my mother was convinced that this was traditional attire as worn by inhabitants of China. She also made a coolie hat out of black cardboard in a flattish cone shape. To this was sewn a black pleated pigtail. My brother’s eyes received some eyeliner to give a look that Prince Philip might have called slitty-eyed and a droopy moustache was painted on to finish off the ensemble.

Having dressed up, we were made to knock on neighbours’ doors and perform a ‘party piece’ for them. A song was always popular, as was a little poem or joke. I can’t remember what I did, but almost 60 years on, I can remember my brother’s offering. It was a joke which my father made up and thought amusing, but I am certain that my brother hadn’t got a clue what it meant. Are you ready for this? My brother announced himself thus: ‘My name is Ray Ling, a Chinese fence.’ That was it. Not funny then; not funny now.

Where is all this rambling leading? As years passed, people made less and less effort with halloween costumes. Black bin bags became very useful instead of actual sewn outfits. A few suitably shaped bits of paper glued onto a bin bag could create anything from a skeleton to a superhero. So much easier.

Easier still is the current trend of simply buying a ready-made costume. Want to be a Disney character? No problem. There are loads out there in fancy dress shops. Superhero? Yep. A profession that wears a uniform? Check.

Yes, any outfit you could ever want is available for no effort whatsoever. Gone are the days when a mum or dad spent time being creative and making a costume that was unique for each child. At the last school halloween disco (Yeah, I know... Who came up with that one?) my grandchildren attended, most of the boys were dressed as the superhero from whatever was the popular superhero film of the day and most of the girls were dressed as the princess from the then current popular Disney film. It was as if they had changed out of their school uniforms to simply don another. A little bit sad, don’t you think?

That still doesn’t explain why I am mentioning halloween some seven months before it is due to happen. There is another ‘dressing up day’ kid on the block: World Book Day is held in March. The first was held back in the late nineteen nineties, but it is only in recent years that it has taken off, so to speak. School teachers encourage children to dress up as a favourite character in a book. Nice idea, you would agree. Do I have a problem with that? Initially, no. The first couple of times it was held, I thought it marvellous. Mums and dads were again using their ingenuity to create an interesting costume for their children to wear.

This year, however, oh dear. The shops were full of costumes... Harry Potter, Willy Wonka, Dennis the Menace, Alice in Wonderland, Little Red Riding Hood, the Gruffalo and countless others are available to purchase ready-made so that you can dress your child to be just like everyone else... and, hey, no effort, indeed, no thinking, is required.

How sad that businesses have once again hijacked something that we all used to have... imagination.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? And, as there was no edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog last week, you are treated to two weeks of birthday honours.

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 16th of March? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Georg Ohm 1789 (Physicist. Came up with Ohm’s Law. Well, he would, wouldn’t he.), Henny Youngman 1906 (Comedian, it says here. ‘Take my wife... please’ was his best known gag. [Ha bloody ha. - Ed.]), Nawab of Pataudi 1910 (Crickety bloke.), Josef Mengele 1911 (Crazy doctor.), Aldo van Eyck 1918 (Architect.), John Addison 1920 (Composer. Here is your first clip of the week - music composed for A Bridge Too Far.), Leo McKern 1920 (Ectaw, dear leddie.), Jerry Lewis 1926 (Comedian, it says here.), Roger Norrington 1934 (Violinist and conductor. Here he is conducting some Berlioz. [They look like musicians to me. - Ed.]), Bernardo Bertolucci 1940 (Director.), Erik Estrada 1949 (A chip.), Kate Nelligan 1950 (Ectress.), James Bradford aka Jimmy Nail 1954 (Actor and singer. Here’s one of his ’its; something about a pair of shoes.), Nancy Wilson 1954 (Geetarist with Heart. Another clip? Here’s What About Love.), Jenny Eclair 1960 (Comedian.), Jerome Flynn 1963 (Actor and singer. Bronn. Had a few ’its with Robson Green. Here’s their first biggie, Unchained Melody as performed on Soldier Soldier.), Mark Carney 1965 (Governor of the Bank of England.), Aisling Bea 1984 (Comedian.) and Theo Walcott 1989 (Footy bloke.).

Now then... What about the 23rd of March?

Thomas Selle 1599 (Composer. Let’s have a bit of brock.), Johann Matthias Sperger 1750 (Another composer. Here’s some bass without the drum.), Franz Schreker 1878 (Yet another composer. Here he is with the wind.), Joan Crawford 1904 (Ectress.), Wernher von Braun 1912 (Rocket man... burning out his fuse up here alone.), Donald Campbell 1921 (Daredevil who held the world land speed record.), Roger Bannister 1929 (Plucky runny chep from the British empah, don’t-cha-know.), Viktor Korchnoi 1931 (He played chess. I’m sure he did other things as well, but that’s what he is remembered for.), Barry Cryer 1935 (Writer and comedian.), Craig Breedlove 1937 (Daredevil who held the world land speed record. Ever had a feeling of deja vu?), Terry Paine 1939 (Footy bloke.), Ric Ocasek 1943... or it might have been 1944 (A Car. Here’s a toon you may recognise... Drive. [You missed out the L. - Ed.]), Tony McPhee 1944 (A Groundhog. Here’s an eccentric man with an eccentric hairstyle.), Michael Nyman 1944 (Composer and pianist. Here’s a piece you should remember... The Old Joanna.), Alan Bleasdale 1946 (Writer... Gizza job.), Wasim Bari 1948 (Crickety bloke.), Chaka Khan 1953 (Chanter. Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan... Chaka Khan...), Steve Redgrave 1962 (Rower. No, not someone who fell out out with people; he used to row a wee boat.), Damon Albarn 1968 (A blurry gorilla. How about a clip? Here’s Feel Good Inc.), Mike Atherton 1968 (Crickety bloke.), Gail Porter 1971 (Presenter), Jonas Björkman 1972 (Tennisspalare.), Jerzy Dudek 1973 (Piłkarz.), Chris Hoy 1976 (On yer bike!), Dougie Lampkin 1976 (Motorbike racery bloke.), Russell Howard 1980 (Comedian, it says here.), Mo Farah 1983 (Runny bloke.), Jason Kenny 1988 (Mind my bike!) and Gregg Wylde 1991 (Footy bloke.),

 


 Not Tony McPhee
(You have to be quite old to understand that one)

 

 
 
 
I’ve received a letter...
Dear Mr Slumpspelare,
I am writing on behalf of my son, who wonders why you gave a Gorillaz song as your Damon Albarn link. Surely, [Don’t call me Shirley. - Ed.] he was involved with Blur for much longer, so really you should have given us a song by them. The title song from their first number one album would have made a good choice. Can you remember it?
Yours with oodles of love,
Pa Clife.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened a fortnight (and a week) ago? A total of only £1.42 back from our £4.40 stake money. That is sh... shameful rubbish! What happened? Read on...
 
First up, the results from a fortnight ago...
 
Southampton vs Tottenham - Prediction Away win
Result - Southampton 2 Tottenham 1
Boo!
James Ward-Prowse earned the win with a sensational free-kick from 25 yards. The midfielder's strike came after calamitous defending allowed Southampton to draw level via Yan Valery, who pounced on Danny Rose's mistake.
Victory seemed unlikely after a first half dominated by Spurs who took the lead when Harry Kane scored his 200th career goal.
 
Plymouth vs Luton - Prediction Away win
Result - Plymouth 0 Luton 0
Ooh! ’It the bar!
The Hatters came close to scoring at the start of the second half as James Collins' goal-bound header had to be tipped onto the crossbar by Argyle's goalkeeper Matt Macey.
Macey was then at full-stretch to keep out Elliot Lee's low drive as Luton upped the tempo.
The 6ft 7ins tall keeper was again extended by Lee, with Macey managing to push yet another shot wide.
At the other end, substitute Ryan Taylor came close with a shot that flew just over the angle.
The closest either side came to breaking the deadlock was in the fourth minute when Argyle's Portuguese play-maker Ruben Lameiras sent a cross-shot flying across James Shea's goal. Plymouth's Freddie Ladapo was inches away from adding a finishing touch.
 
Macclesfield vs MK Dons - Prediction Away win
Result - Macclesfield 1 MK Dons 3
Yay!
David Wheeler, Callum Brittain and Kieran Agard struck for the visitors after Nathan Cameron had given Macclesfield a 19th-minute lead.
Elliott Durrell's free-kick into the box was headed back across goal by Botti Biabi and bundled in by the hosts' skipper, Cameron.
Macclesfield had further chances but James Pearson hit the bar and Dons goalkeeper Stuart Moore smothered the danger with Durrell poised to score.
The visitors levelled before the break, Wheeler darting to the near post and glancing in Conor McGrandles' corner.
Rejuvenated by that goal on the stroke of half-time, MK Dons took control following the restart and, after Agard wasted an early chance, Brittain drilled their second goal in through a crowd of players.
Agard's 79th-minute header sealed the victory for the Dons.
 
Morecambe vs Forest Green - Prediction Away win
Result - Morecambe 3 Forest Green 0
What?!!!
Morecambe enjoyed a dream start, grabbing the opening goal in the sixth minute.
A long ball forward caught out the Forest Green defence and as they failed to clear their lines, Aaron Collins reacted quickly, crossing into the six-yard box where Rhys Oates ran in and forced the ball over the line at full stretch.
The visitors went close to levelling three minutes later when Shawn McCoulsky found space in the box only to see his shot cleared off the line by Morecambe defender Ritchie Sutton.
Morecambe almost doubled their lead when Collins was denied by a superb save from Lewis Ward low to his left but the Shrimps' winger was not to be denied for long as he stroked home his side's second with a low shot from the edge of the box that beat Ward to his right-hand side.
Christian Doidge spurned a great chance to pull one back in first-half stoppage time but headed straight at goalkeeper Mark Halstead, summing up Forest Green's afternoon.
The visitors enjoyed the greater share of possession in the second half but could find no way through a well drilled Morecambe defence.
George Williams looked their most dangerous outlet with two long range shots that were superbly saved by Halstead.
Eventually the visitors were undone for a third time on 71 minutes when Oates stole the ball on the left-hand byline before crossing for Alex Kenyon to score from 12 yards.
 
Stevenage vs Bury - Prediction Away win
Result - Stevenage 0 Bury 1
Yay!
Nicky Maynard struck in the fifth minute of added time when he headed past the despairing dive of Paul Farman to snatch the points, with Scott Wharton's brilliant ball in rewarded after flick-ons from Dom Telford and Adam Thompson.
Stevenage had the better of the early play, with the tone set when Moses Makasi was unable to convert a Joel Byrom cross in the opening minutes.
Maynard should have opened the scoring later in the half but failed to control from Caolan Lavery, while Makasi had two further chances before the break, the latter seeing him denied by Joe Murphy.
The second half was more of a scrappy affair, though Stevenage came closest to the breakthrough when Johnny Hunt and Kurtis Guthrie fashioned chances to break the deadlock.
The hosts should have won it when Jordan Gibson was provided with a glorious opening, only for his shot to sail over the bar, before Maynard stole the points at the death.
 
And now, a week ago...
Brentford vs West Brom - Prediction Home win
Result - Brentford 0 West Bromwich Albion 1
Boo!
Kyle Edwards scored a stunning solo goal for West Bromwich Albion to ensure victory at Brentford.
It took a captivating run to put the Baggies ahead, Edwards slaloming past a number of Bees players after collecting the ball wide on the right, skipping through challenges before poking his finish past Luke Daniels.
West Brom goalkeeper Sam Johnstone kept the visitors in it at half-time with a series of saves - twice denying Said Benrahma before foiling Julian Jeanvier and Yoann Barbet.
Edwards' stunning individual effort was West Brom's first effort on target, with Daniels then going on to keep Dwight Gayle and Ahmed Hegazi out.
Johnstone's intervention was again needed after the break as he foiled Sergi Canos, a save that capped a fine display by the keeper to help the Baggies secure the win.
Hull vs QPR - Prediction Home win
Result - Hull City 2 Queens Park Rangers 2
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Jarrod Bowen's first-half double had Hull leading 2-0 at half-time, with them looking well set for three points, but Josh Scowen pulled a goal back when his cross drifted in at the far post.
Rangers substitute Tomer Hemed secured a valuable point for the visitors, scrambling in the equaliser from Scowen's cross seven minutes from time.
 
Sheff Wednesday vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win
Result - Sheffield Wednesday 4 Blackburn Rovers 2
Yay!
Wednesday were on top from the first whistle and went ahead in the 10th minute when Dominic Iorfa delivered a low cross for Steven Fletcher to turn in from close range.
The home side should have stretched their advantage almost immediately as Adam Reach forced a save from David Raya, then saw another effort rebound for Michael Hector to head against the post.
Blackburn improved as the game went on and Bradley Dack and Danny Graham both went close before Atdhe Nuhiu [That’s got to be an anagram. - Ed.] - who had only been on the field for two minutes - made it 2-0, heading in Barry Bannan's free-kick on the hour.
Rovers substitute Craig Conway halved the deficit, collecting Joe Rothwell's pass and curling a shot into the far corner, but the Owls made the points safe with two more goals in quick succession.
Bannan set up both of them, delivering another free-kick that Iorfa scrambled home and then playing a ball through for Marco ‘Rosie’ Matias to make it 4-1.
Elliot Bennett netted a late consolation for Blackburn, picking up Dack's lay-off and finding space to beat Kieren Westwood.
 
Stoke vs Reading - Prediction Home win
Result - Stoke City 0 Reading 0
Ooh! ’It the bar!
City twice hit the woodwork in the opening quarter of an hour as James McClean teed up Tom Ince, who crashed a shot against the post.
And two minutes later Thibaud Verlinden, sent in a pinpoint cross which Sam Vokes headed against the crossbar.
McClean again teed up Vokes to head just wide before forcing Emiliano Martinez into a superb reaction save, while Modou Barrow was inches from meeting Lewis Baker's low cross and giving Reading a late winner.
 
Wigan vs Bolton Wanderers - Prediction Home win
Result - Wigan Athletic 5 Bolton Wanderers 2
Yay!
The Latics took an early lead when Joe Garner headed in a beautifully-whipped Reece James free-kick and, after a fairly even first period, they took complete control thanks to early second-half goals from Gavin Massey and Nick Powell.
Bolton midfielder Gary O'Neil briefly gave the visitors hope, but just a few minutes later Michael Jacobs made the game safe to re-establish the hosts' advantage.
Sammy Ameobi scored a consolation for the Trotters before Leon Clarke added a fifth for Wigan.
 
That was last week... erm... and the one before it obviously... and pretty rubbishy the predictions were. Can The Grambler make amends this week and provide us with some pennies to send to the Bobby Moore Fund? Probably not, but we’ll keep on trusting him/her/it to come up with five out of five... It sometimes happens, not very often, admittedly, but it does happen. What has he/she/it randomly selected for us this week?
 
Game - Result - Odds
Burton vs Accrington - Prediction Home win - 17/20
Luton vs Doncaster - Prediction Home win - 4/5
Peterborough vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 10/11
Crawley vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 19/20
Grimsby vs Bury - Prediction Away win - 5/6
 
The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.46

 

24 pees less whopping than a fortnight ago.
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week... sorry two weeks ago... I asked you which Englishman has managed Charlton Athletic, Crystal Palace and Hull City in the Premier League. The answer is former Northern Ireland international, Ian Dowie. Hang on a mo... Englishman? Northern Ireland international? How so, I hear you ask. He was born in Hatfield, but his dad was born in Belfast, so that, apparently, made him eligible to play for Northern Ireland. So now you know.
One for this week? Here’s a good one to keep you amused for a few minutes. Here are some anagrams of England managers’ names. See if you can work them out.
Craves Clement
Lay Frames
Oven Ride
A Huge Ghost Treat
Goody Horns
Clams Already
Enters Bravely
Capable Folio
One Wrongdoer
Hopefully, you’ll have a bit of fun working them out.
 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr B. Cryer who provides us with this week’s finishing item. Here’s a little factoid about Mr Cryer. Did you know that he had a number one record back in 1957? 62 years ago for crying out loud! He recorded a novelty song made famous by the long-forgotten Sheb Wooley. [Wasn’t that a character in Emmerdale? - Ed.] Mr Wooley’s version of this particular song, for some reason, couldn’t be released in Finland. So Barry’s version got the nod. The rest, as they say, is history. Barry became a superstar in Finland thanks to this number one record. Actually, he didn’t. He never troubled the charts again. When you listen to the song, you’ll understand why he became a scriptwriter and comedian rather than a singer. Here is Barry Cryer with Purple People Eater.
 
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com
 
Happy grambling.
 

Friday, 8 March 2019

Week 28/29 - A hairy time for The Grambler


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

First of all, let’s have a song to start us off...

Who put the bomp in the bomp buh bomp buh bomp.

Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.

Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.

Who put the dip in the dip dee dip dee dip.

Who was that man...
 
I'd like to tell him that he knows f*** all about plumbing!

 

 

Second of all, I would like to apologise for there being no edition of thegrambler.com last week. What do you mean, you never noticed? There are no excuses... only reasons too boring to mention. Anyway, let’s get on with this week’s (g)ramble; a hairy time, I’m sure you will agree.

Mrs G and I were in a restaurant the other day. [Really? How interesting. - Ed.] Very nice meal we had. Haggis, and tatties as a starter, then lentil soup and, after that, cod in... you’re not really interested, are you? [Yawn. - Ed.] Anyway, that’s not this week’s topic. No, this week’s (g)ramble concerns fashion [Oh blibbing heck. Let’s get back to food. - Ed.]

A poash restaurant provides some excellent opportunities for a spot of people watching; one of my favourite pastimes. There was a couple of folk in that place that deserve a mention.

There was a lady there who was dressed in a very bold self-coloured two-piece suit that might have been fashionable in the 1950s. She also wore an over-the-top blouse and sported the sort of perm that wouldn’t have looked out of place on Sybil Fawlty or Katie Boyle (ask your grandad). The oddest thing about this vision was that she was probably aged no more than 28. This was ‘statement’ dressing for sure. Definitely a touch of ‘look at me’ syndrome.

The second person that caught my eye was a gentleman of about 80 whose hairstyle bore more resemblance to a crash helmet than actual hair. It featured that most ridiculous of hair ‘styles’ - the combover. It was also longish at the sides and back which suggested to me someone who perhaps played the trumpet in an over-the-hill jazz outfit. Added to this, was the fact that he had obviously used a whole can of hair lacquer to achieve this ‘style’. The hair did not, could not, move. It was fixed in this position. He reminded me of Arthur Scargill (ask your grandad) whose open briefcase was once photographed to reveal a can of ‘Cossack’ hair lacquer (ask your grandad).

These individuals reminded me of other folk I had encountered who continued to sport hairstyles which were from an earlier era.

I recall a chap I worked with in the 1980s who wore his hair in the style popularised by ‘Teddy Boys’ in the 1950s. So, 25 or more years after the style had become unfashionable, this guy continued to tease his receding locks into a Brylcreemed quiff.

Similarly, in the late 1970s there was a young guy lived nearby who was obviously a diehard Gary Numan (ask your dad) fan. When Numan sported a black leather outfit coupled with bleached locks, that was how this lad dressed. When Numan moved onto dyeing his hair black, so too did his obsessive fan. In fact, so obsessed was he that his attire continued to be exactly as Numan wore even when the guy’s hair had long deserted him. Little did he realise that Gary Numan sported a wild black syrup* to hide his own baldness.

A couple of streets away from where I live, there is an equally obsessive ‘ageing’ music fan. This time, the obsession is not with an individual, but a genre. This guy is a ‘Mod’. He has several classic scooters stored in his garage. Nothing wrong with that, you might be saying. Indeed not. What makes this bloke noticeable is the hairstyle. He must be in his fifties but still wears his hair in the mod style made popular by bands such as the Small Faces and Dave Doo, Cozy, Boaky, Stick and Bitch. Yes, silly hairstyles (and names) are just about acceptable on teens and twenty-somethings, but on a guy in his fifties? No. Daft doesn’t come near to describing how he looks.

Another restaurant, another hairstyle. Mrs G and I couldn’t agree on whether the chap (aged around 65) sitting at a table nearby had naturally curly hair or whether he still had his hair permed a la 1970s footballers. Whatever, the broccoli look is definitely no longer fashionable.

In a busy week for dated hairstyles, I also spotted someone who, as far as barnets* are concerned, was stuck firmly in the 1980s. The mullet was never the best style of hair, but this guy obviously had an affinity with Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran and Sir Macca circa 1980. Sadly, the ravages of time meant that the rest of his appearance bore no resemblance to his attempts to perpetuate the 1980s’ style... Style! Ha!... and his wrinkly face and paunch looked wrong when coupled with his odd locks.

No, it is definitely wrong to try and stick with a hairstyle from an earlier age. When I recently had my hair cut I was going to discuss the matter with a friend, but he smothered the topic before I even got started...

‘Nice haircut. Do you think the pre-war preference for short back and sides should make a comeback, then?’

Hmm...

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we? And, as there was no edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog last week, you are treated to two week’s of birthdays.

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 2nd of March? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Bedřich Smetana 1824 (Composer. A clip to start us off? Here is the beautiful Moldau.), Carl Jacobsen 1842 (Who? The son of the Carlsberg brewery founder... His dad named it in his honour. So now you know.), Kurt Weill 1900 (Composer. Another clip? Here is perhaps his most famous toon, Mackie Messer.), Theodor Geisel 1904 (Writer and cartoonist. Who? Took his middle name Seuss as his pen name... Dr. Seuss.), Desi Arnaz 1917 (Actor, musician and television producer... more famous for being Mr Lucille Ball.), Jennifer Jones 1919 (Actress.), Basil Hume 1923 (The well-known cardinal.), Mikhail Gorbachev 1931 (The well-known cardinal.), John Tusa 1936 (Journalist.), Billy McNeill 1940 (Footy bloke.), Lou Reed 1942 (Singer, it says here. A clip? No, not that one... or that one. Here’s Satellite of Love.), George Layton 1943 (Actor.), ’Erry Rednepp 1947 (Foo’y blowke. He has managed... deep breath... Bournemuff, West ’Aim, Portsmuff, Sahffaimpton, Portsmuff anavver toim, Totnaim ’Otspur, Queens Park Rangers, Jordan, de cantry not de modull aind Birminghaim ci’y.), Rory Gallagher 1948 (Musician. Have another clip. Here’s Moonchild.), Karen Carpenter 1950 (Boxing commentator [Stop it and give us a clip. - Ed.] Here’s Calling occupants of blah blah blah...), Jay Osmond 1955 (A brother. Another clip?  Love Me For A Reason.  Prepare to be dazzled... by the teeth.), Kevin Curren 1958 (Tennisy bloke.), Ian Woosnam 1958 (Golfy bloke.), Jon Bon Jovi 1962 (Singer and rhyming slang.* What? You want another clip? Here’s Livin' on a Prayer.), Lembit Öpik 1965 (Politician. Chairman of Parliament of the Space Kingdom of Asgardia. I’m not making this up... I wish I was.), Daniel Craig 1968 (Ectaw. James Bond number... who cares.), Mauricio Pochettino 1972 (Footy bloke.), Trevor Sinclair 1973 (Footy bloke.), Chris Martin 1977 (A coldplayer. Another clip? And why not. Here’s Paradise... with its intriguing video.), Andrew Strauss 1977 (Crickety bloke.), Damien Duff 1979 (Peileadóir.) and Nicky Weaver 1979 (Footy bloke.).

Now then, let’s move quickly on to those born on the 9th of March. Amerigo Vespucci 1454 (Explorer. America was not named after him... though an Italian scooter might have been.), Eddie Foy 1856 (Vaudevillian... They can’t touch you for it. Looked nothing like Bob Hope.), Vyascheslav Molotov 1890 (Politician who had a cocktail named after him. [I wouldn’t order one, If I were you. - Ed.]), Vita Sackville-West 1892 (Author and poet famous for... erm... having a cracking name?), Will Geer 1902 (Actor. Richard’s dad.), Samuel Barber 1910 (Composer. Have a clip. Here’s Adagio for Strings.), Mickey Spillane 1918 (Orfer. Created the Mike Hammer character.), Keely Smith 1928 (Chanter. Have a clip. Here’s When Day is Done.  Pity about the awful attempts at comedy at the start.), Ornette Coleman 1930 (Musician. Let’s have some jehhhhzzz. Here’s Lonely Woman.  That was him performing it when he was 78.), Lloyd Price 1933 (Chanter. Known as Mr Personality. Wonder why.), Yuri Gagarin 1934 (The original spaceman. Factoid: Gagarin was only 5’ 5”/165cm tall.), John Cale 1942 (Musician. Have a clip. Here’s Cordoba.), Mark Lindsay 1942 (Paul Revere of Raiders fame. Here’s their biggest ’it - Indian Reservation.), Bobby Fischer 1943 (Chess player... erm... that’s it.), Robert Calvert 1945 (A bit of Orkwind. He wrote their ’it, Silver Machine.), Robin Trower 1945 (Musician. Did you know he was guitarist on this?), Alexandra Bastedo 1946 (Ee... Champion.), Jeffrey Osborne 1948 (Musician. Another clip? Here’s On the Wings of Love.), Trevor Burton 1949 (Geetarist. Founding member of The Move. Here’s a toon you might recognise, I Can Hear the Grass Grow.), Neil Hamilton 1949 (Christine’s man.), Howard Shelley 1950 (Musician. Have a bit of Mozart.), Bill Beaumont 1952 (Rugby bloke.), Martin Fry 1958 (Chanter with ABC. A clip? Certainly. Here’s their paean (That’s a good word. Must look it up.) to Smokey Robinson.), Pete Wishart 1962 (Musician turned politician. Keyboard player with Runrig. Let’s have the song that concludes every Scottish wedding... indeed, any party or gathering - Loch Lomond.  A few mullets on display there.), Juliette Binoche 1964 (Actrice.) and Youri Djorkaeff 1968 (Homme de football.).

 

 

 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Willekspeler,

We are two big fans of the band ABC. It was good that you played the great song When Smokey Sings. They had a few hits, but can you remember their first record to chart?

Yours inquisitively,

T. R. Sarnott, E. Nuff.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move onto grambling matters. What happened last week... sorry, a fortnight ago? £1.94 back from our £2.20 stake money, so still a loss... technically. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Birmingham vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win

Result - Birmingham City 2 Blackburn Rovers 2

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Blues went ahead through a Che Adams' low strike before half-time.

Rovers captain Charlie Mulgrew levelled shortly after the break when he scored direct from a corner.

Danny Graham's deflected strike put Blackburn 2-1 up with eight minutes to go, but Adams equalised from a tight angle to earn a point for Garry Monk's side.

 

Brentford vs Hull - Prediction Home win

Result - Brentford 5 Hull City 1

Yay!

Said Benrahma set up Kamohelo Mokotjo to cancel out Fraizer Campbell's opener for the visitors before grabbing a quickfire double to put the Bees on top before half-time.

Top scorer Neal Maupay made it 4-1 with his 22nd goal of the season early in the second half and the classy Benrahma completed his treble 10 minutes from time.

 

Middlesbrough vs QPR - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 Queens Park Rangers 0

Yay!

Middlesbrough went ahead when Mo Besic whipped a cross into the box and Jonny Howson challenged Rangers goalkeeper Joe Lumley, with the ball falling for the midfielder to roll it into the net.

Besic almost doubled his side's advantage soon afterwards, steaming across the halfway line and firing just wide of the post from 20 yards out.

But he registered his second assist of the game just after the half-hour mark, playing in Ashley Fletcher, who hammered a thunderous shot in off the crossbar.

Britt Assombalonga had a goal ruled out for an earlier foul in the second half, while home keeper (ex-Motherwell man) Darren Randolph was belatedly called into action to deny Osayi-Samuel and Wells at the other end.

 

Norwich vs Bristol City - Prediction Home win

Result - Norwich City 3 Bristol City 2

Yay!

The visitors went in front when Jamie Paterson blasted past goalkeeper Tim Krul from close range.

Norwich equalised when Kenny McLean guided the ball in off the post, but Callum O'Dowda restored Bristol City's lead with a superb solo goal less than a minute later, weaving his way past a series of challenges before slotting home.

Ben Godfrey tapped in from close range to make it 2-2, before McLean's brilliant half-volley across goal completed the turnaround.

The home side went close to extending their advantage when Marco Stiepermann struck the bar in the closing stages, while Marley Watkins had the Robins' best chance to make it 3-3.

 

Wigan vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win

Result - Wigan 1 Ipswich 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The visitors were reduced to 10 men in the first half as Jonas Knudsen saw red for a foul on Leon Clarke, who had been through on goal.

But Ipswich went in front when Collin Quaner was tripped by Chey Dunkley and Will Keane found the net from the penalty spot.

However, Joe Garner netted in the 90th minute to snatch a point for the Latics when he turned home Reece James' in-swinging cross.

 

Ho hum. Once again The Grambler is denied a clean sweep by a couple of draws. What has he/she/it come up with this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Southampton vs Tottenham - Prediction Away win - 4/5

Plymouth vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 3/4

Macclesfield vs MK Dons - Prediction Away win - Evens

Morecambe vs Forest Green - Prediction Away win - 21/20

Stevenage vs Bury - Prediction Away win - 4/5

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

 

£11.70

 

More whopping than last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week... sorry two weeks ago... I asked you what League One team plays in a stadium which has a bigger capacity than the grounds of all Championship sides. The answer was the freefalling Sunderland, relegated from the Premiershit to the Championship in 2016 and relegated to Division One the next season. The Stadium of Light with its capacity of 49,000 is the seventh biggest ground in England.

One for this week? Which Englishman has managed Charlton Athletic, Crystal Palace and Hull City in the Premier League? Easy peasy.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

As usual, I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..
 

 

And finally Cyril? And finally, Esther, as this week’s topic dealt with dodgy haircuts, I thought I would consider that section of society that is famous for sporting the most ludicrous barnets* known to mankind... professional footballers. There is something quite odd about the footballer psyche. They want to be noticed, of course, but come on, what are all these about?




















 

No comment
 
 

 

*Did you work out the rhyming slang?
Barnet = Barnet fair = Hair
Syrup = Syrup of figs = wig(s)
Jon Bon Jovies = Ovies = Overalls
 
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.