The Grambler: June 2018

Saturday 30 June 2018

Week 45 - The Grambler and a sex change

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

There was an article on the news last week concerning a legal case in the high court. When I say say high court, I mean the highest (and probably most expensive) court in Britain. This is the place where high profile murder cases and the like get heard. All the really important, serious trials take place there.

The case I am referring to? Someone who has had a sex change wants to be able to put gender neutral on their passport instead of male or female. Sorry pardon excuse me? That, to me, is the sort of matter that shouldn't go anywhere near a court. When this person went to a lawyer to ask for a change to the law regarding passports, he/she/it should have been sent packing. Not surprisingly, a lawyer was quite willing to take on his/her/its case. Who can blame them when there's money to be made?

Also, not surprisingly, the request for a change to the law was thrown out of court.

I don't understand what the person who challenged the law was thinking. If he/she/it has had a sex change, the passport which used to say male would now say female. You’ve had a sex change. There are two genders. So, if you were a man and have had ‘surgery’, you are now a woman. Isn’t that how it works? Apparently, changing that part of a passport is acceptable, though not too easy in practice. The point is, it can be done. So why the request for a middle sex? Maybe the sex change operation was botched so badly that it is no longer possible to ascertain what sex someone is meant to be.

On first hearing about the case, I thought that it perhaps concerned someone whose sex could not be determined at birth or a hermaphrodite. But no, this was someone who had decided that they wanted to be the opposite sex to the one they were at birth.

He/she/it claims that by not being allowed to put gender neutral on their passport, they are being discriminated against. Yeah, sure. Well, he/she/it, why would putting an X on your passport, rather than male or female make the slightest bit of difference?

And what does X mean, exactly? It? Surely, that is just a way to draw even more attention to yourself. (Don't call me Shirley.) To me, this whole charade seems very much to be about somebody who wants to do just that... ‘Look at me everyone, I’m different.’

The person who wanted to take the matter to court complains about discrimination. Listen mate, anyone who is different in any way suffers discrimination. Nothing will ever change that. I recall a play about this subject from years ago which was called something like 'If there weren't any blacks, you'd have to invent them'.

Not a particularly politically correct title, admittedly, but it made a sensible point: there are people who just have to be prejudiced; it doesn’t matter who or what they discriminate against, they will always find someone to bully.

By drawing attention to him/her/itself, the person who has brought the matter to court is just setting themselves up perfectly.

.....oooOooo.....

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 30th of June? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. John Gay 1685 (Happy playwright.), Archibald Frazer-Nash 1889 (Car manufacturer.), Stanley Spencer 1891 (Odd painter. His paintings weren’t particularly odd, but his lifestyle certainly was.), Susan Hayward 1917 (Actress.), Lena Horne 1917 (Singer. A clip? Why soitenly. Here is a song which was a little bit risque in its day.), Mike Smith 1933 (Crickety bloke.), Tony Hatch aka Fred Nightingale aka Mark Anthony (Musician and composer. Soap opera fans will recognise this one and this even older one.), Barry Hines 1939 (Orfer. Wrote A Kestrel for a Knave which he adapted for the Ken Loach film Kes.), Florence Ballard 1943 (A Supreme... It doesn’t say a supreme what, so I can’t help you there. Another clip? Here she is baby babying along to Diana Ross with another of her gravity defying wigs.), Andy Scott 1949 (A bit of Sweet. Have another clip. Here he is in a rather fetching hat.), Stanley Clarke 1951 (A bit of Return to Forever. Another clip, vicar? Have a bit of jehhhzzz fusion.), Esa-Pekka Salonen 1958 (Conductor and composer. Here he is conducting his own piece, Nyx.), Jack McConnell 1960 (Third First minister of Scotland. [Sorry pardon excuse me? - Ed.]), Clive Nolan 1961 (Musician. Here he is on keyboard duties with Pendragon in a bit of prog.), Julianne Regan 1962 (Singer with All About Eve. Here is their most famous toon, Martha's Harbour.), Rupert Graves 1963 (Ectaw.), Yngwie Malmsteen 1963 (Geetarist. Here he is giving it laldy far beyond the sun.), Gary Pallister 1965 (Footy bloke.), Mike Tyson 1966 (Ear muncher.), Ralf Schumacher 1975 (Racey car bloke. Not as famous as his brother.), Katherine Ryan 1983 (Comedian.) and Michael Phelps 1985 (Swimmy bloke.).

Archie Frazer-Nash at the wheel of his

racing car... Can't imagine Lewis Hamilton

storming round the Nurburgring with a

pipe stuck in his gob.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Lambo,

Thank you for the link to a Supremes song. We thoroughly enjoyed it. However, we recall Phil Collins doing a cover version of one of their biggest hits, but can’t remember which one. Can you help?

Yours,

Hugh Cantor, Ray Love.

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? We got a return of just 70 pees as only two of The Grambler’s predictions were right. Do you know what? I’m not even going to suggest a footy bet this week; I’m actually going to demand that The Grambler predicts some gee gee results.

What has he/she/it come up with?

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Chester - 1.55 - Beauty Filly - 10/11

Curragh - 4.35 - Van Beethoven - 11/10

Lingfield - 5.40 - Life on Earth - 5/6

Lingfield - 6.15 - Viewpoint - Evens

Doncaster - 7.00 - Tashaabo - 5/6

The selections have been made. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee each way accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£13.44

Hmm... even more whopping than the amount we didn’t win a fortnight ago.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which World Cup team (other than England) boasts the most English Premiershit players in its squad. The answer was, of course, Belgium with eleven. They are... deep breath... De Bruyne, Hazard, Courtois, Lukaku, Alderweireld, Kompany, Vertonghen, Dembele, Fellaini, Mignolet and Chadli.

Okay, one for this week. Harry Kane’s hat trick (if you can call two penalties and a fluke, a hat trick) against Panama this week takes his total of goals scored for his country to 18. One or two other Tottenham Hotspur players have tucked away a few goals in the past. Kane’s total is pretty good, you might think, but he is way behind the 28 England goals of... which Spurs player? One to start a discussion down the pub, I think.

.....oooOooo.....

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Ms K. Ryan, a Canadian comedian who now lives in Britain. It has been said that, though she is Canadian, her humour is very British. See what you think as we finish this week’s (g)ramble with some examples of her wit.

Nobody starts something hoping it will fail – maybe a suicide bombing?

Would you trade you life with a teenage girl’s life? Do you remember what it was like when we had no power, no money, and when we did our own eyebrows? No thank you!

I think I’m a nice girl but my comedy has been described as kind of nasty. They say I’m Joan Rivers but older, and that hurts!

You know that guy who got done for taking a 15-year-old to Paris? Anyone who’s been on holiday with a teenager knows that man deserved a medal, not prison.

Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that final surgery – to stop ageing. Finally she nailed it.

God bless the British panel shows. They’re the reason I eat!

My name is TV’s Katherine Ryan. I used to be an unwelcome surprise on a mixed bill, now I can see that at least a third of you have come to see me on purpose.

I’ve lived in England now for 10 years with my lovely daughter. I love having a British child. It’s like having a tiny and ineffective butler at home.

On what scares her... Primark on a Saturday. The biting and the blood.

On her daughter’s father... He’s a man I loved once. He will always be her dad. I can’t change that – I tried!

On Jurassic Park... The dinosaurs are killing everyone! Why do we keep reopening this park? Who keeps giving us public liability insurance?!

People worry about you when you’re single and a woman. I get letters about being single and a woman. I got a letter from a lady who was very concerned, she said, ‘Katherine we saw you on tour and we’re very concerned that you are single. My brother Ray is also single’. Why am I getting this? Guys don’t get this. Leonardo DiCaprio is mysterious and exciting because he’s single. I bet he doesn’t get letters, ‘My brother Ray is also single!’

I’m just like you. A typical British mum. A young uneducated immigrant. Oh no, my daughter was planned… poorly, so poorly.

And finally...

On Donald Trump... America deserves him as a president.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

Happy grambling.

Friday 22 June 2018

Week 44 - Another World Cup gramble

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

WARNING: This week’s article is offensive to anyone who might consider themselves to be overweight. So if you are a thin-skinned, fat b*st*rd, look away now.

There was an article on tv recently presented by a, how can I put this, large lady. The item concerned the practice of clothes shop proprietors charging more money for larger sizes of clothes. The large reporter described this as a fat tax. Well, I thought, why not? It'll save you spending it on chocolate. Actually, I didn't think that. That was only put in as a joke. Honest. Please don't attack me all you fatties out there in gramblerland.

I am in total agreement with the lady. Why should someone have to pay more for something so essential as clothing? Well, it's essential in our climate.

However, it set me thinking. [Dangerous. - Ed.] Did you know that in some regions of Britain there are as many as 68% of the adult population considered to be seriously overweight? No? Well, there are. One of my gripes in life is seeing people who have no disability doing their best to make themselves disabled. Sorry pardon excuse me? I'm thinking of druggies, smokers, boozers and, yes, obese people. My mantra to all of them is 'give yourself a chance'.

Every one of those I have listed is reducing their chances of living to a ripe old age by introducing poisons into their systems whether it be drugs, nicotine, alcohol or sugar.

Humans do not need any of these things.

To stop people taking drugs, the government has deemed them illegal. Yes, I know it doesn't stop those who are determined enough, but it is at least an acknowledgment that drugs of the recreational variety are wrong. Maybe the politicians should legalise them but whack a huge tax levy on them as happens with cigarettes and alcohol. It won't stop people taking drugs but it would stop the so called drug barons from becoming rich on the proceeds from illegal trading. And think of the extra dosh from the taxation.

However, I began this article by talking of a fat tax. Well, I think foods which are unhealthy should also be taxed to the hilt. None of this mucking about with a paltry 20% vat lark. No, I'm talking about treating choccy bars and cakes the same way as spirits. Did you know that the tax on a 12 quids bottle of whisky is nearly a tenner? Similarly, the tax on an £8.50 packet of fags is nearly seven quids, or 82%.

Think of a bar of chocolate costing 60 pees, currently ten pees of that cost is tax. I suggest that the taxation on such unhealthy products should be the same as booze and fags. Thus, the 60 pees bar of chocolate would cost nearer three nicker. Such taxes could be considered for all unhealthy foods. Would you pay four quid for a small bag of crisps? A tenner for a pack of Mr Kipling French fancies? The same for a bottle of coke? Ditto a bag of sugar?

Incidentally, why is there sugar in a chicken tagliatelli ready meal? Yes, Marks and Spencer, I’m talking to you. Honestly. I don’t know how much was in it, but it tasted decidedly sickly. Not nice. And not necessary.

Sorry about that... Any road up, by taxing sugary things up to the hilt, overnight, we would adjust our eating habits to consuming only the healthiest options.

Ah, you may say, that's all well and good but you would put many companies out of business. I believe not. Most of the makers of unhealthy products also make fairly healthy alternatives. Heavy taxation on unhealthy goods would force the manufacturers to concentrate more effort into producing healthy foods.

Unfair on fatties? Not at all. My punitive taxation plan would make you all think twice about consuming fastening foods. You won't starve. Far from it, you will become a lot thinner and a lot healthier in the process.

Brilliant or what? I have just solved Britain's obesity problem at a stroke. No no, I don't ask for reward. Just look on it as my gift to Britain's fatties.

.....oooOooo.....

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 23rd of June? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Alfred Kinsey 1894 (Sex maniac.), Edward Albert Christian George Andrew Patrick David aka King Edward VIII aka Duke of Windsor 1894 (The well-known king.), Amedee Gordini 1899 (Racing driver and car maker.), Alan Turing 1912 (Mathetician and code breaker.), Len Hutton 1916 (Crickety bloke.), Irene Worth 1916 (Ectress.), Miriam Karlin 1925 (Ectress. Everybody out!), Bob Fosse 1927 (Dancy bloke.), June Carter Cash 1929 (Singer, songwriter, actress, dancer, comedian and author. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Have a clip. Here’s Tall Lover Man.), Keith Burkinshaw 1935 (Footy bloke.), Adam Faith 1940 (Singer and actor. Another clip? Here is Someone Else's Baby.), Stuart Sutcliffe 1940 (The original bass player in The Beatles.), Bryan Brown 1947 (Strine Ictor.), Colin Montgomerie 1963 (Golfy bloke.), Patrick Vieira 1976 (Homme de football.) and (Ami) Duffy 1984 (Singer. Another clip? Why not. Have mercy... No really. Have Mercy.).

Suggs impressionist, Alfred Kinsey...

'Ask me where I keep my toothbrush.'

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Zumba,

There weren’t so many clips as there usually are in these crappy birthday honours lists. However, I was pleased to see that you included a link to a tune by Welsh songstress Duffy, isn’t it. I can only recall her having one other top ten hit, but can’t remember its name. Can you help?

Yours with love and cuddles,

Warwick R. Venue.

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? We actually won. Can you believe that? No? Okay, I say won; four out of five predictions came good. £4.10 back from our £2.20 stake. Better than a slap in the mush.

I won’t bore you with match reports. Suffice to say, if Colombia hadn’t conceded a penalty and had a man sent off three minutes into their match against Japan, we could (and indeed should) have had a full house.

Ho hum. So what has the great and powerful Grambler predicted for us this week? Once again, we go with World Cup games and, once again, the times and days are all over the place.

Game - Time - Prediction - Odds

South Korea vs Mexico - Saturday 16.00 - Mexico to win - 7/10

Japan vs Senegal - Sunday 16.00 - Senegal to win - 27/20

Iran vs Portugal - Monday 19.00 - Portugal to win - 7/10

Switzerland vs Costa Rica - Wed 19.00 - Switzerland win - 7/10

Japan vs Poland - Thursday 15.00 - Poland to win - 21/20

The selections have been made. Once again, I have to say oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. The Grambler doesn’t rate Japan, does he/she/it? Let’s see how much we could win in the extremely unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£11.91

Hmm... a bit more whopping than the amount we didn’t win last week.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which Portuguese players, other than Senhor Ronaldo, had scored hat tricks in the World Cup finals. Easy peasy. The answer is Eusebio in a 5-3 victory over South Korea in 1966 and Pauleta in a 4-0 win against Poland in 2002.

One for this week? Here’s another World Cuppy question. Many Premiershit players are in the various squads at the 2018 World Cup finals. Other than England, which team boasts the most English Premiershit players in its squad? Easy peasy.

.....oooOooo.....

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I was at a complete loss as to how to finish this week’s (g)ramble. Where is the comedian worth quoting in this week’s birthday honours? Nowhere. I thought I could perhaps find some amusing link related to this week’s topic. But how can I poke fun at obesity? I can’t, can I? Can I? [No. Definitely not. You’ve upset enough people already. - Ed.]

I know. At the end of the year, Channel Five has a quiz type programme The Big Fat Quiz of the Year. There you go. Fat gets mentioned; nobody gets upset. Phew. I say no one gets upset; I get a bit fed up hearing Jimmy Carr's laugh, but that's a minor grumble.

Anyhow, Ladeez and genullum, I give you a selection of clips from that very programme featuring one of my favourite comedians, Richard Ayoade (I think that's how you pronounce it.).

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

Happy grambling.

Saturday 16 June 2018

Week 43 - The Grambler at the World Cup

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

The World Cup has started! Huzzah! You know what that means, don’t you...

HAMISH: Dougal!

DOUGAL: Hamish!

HAMISH: You’ll have had your tea?

DOUGAL: Aye. My cullen skink.

HAMISH: In that case, you should wear a lighter sporran.

DOUGAL: Eh? Oh here, I see you’re reading a book...

HAMISH: Oh ho, nothing gets by you.

DOUGAL: Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha

Christie? Never heard of her.

HAMISH: You’ve never heard of her? What about Hercule

Poirot?

DOUGAL: What about her cool parrot?

HAMISH: No no no. It’s a famous character in her books. I

can’t believe you’ve never heard of her.

DOUGAL: She didn’t manage that shop, did she?

HAMISH: Manage a shop? No of course she didn’t

manage a... Which shop?

DOUGAL: That Portuguese one with the name that was

almost, but not quite, the same as a famous low

cost supermarket.

HAMISH: Why on earth do you think that was her?

DOUGAL: Well, the only Christie I know ran Aldo.

.....oooOooo.....

I see that President Fart has had a meeting with Kim Young ‘un. No doubt the old gag got wheeled out again. You know the one. It would be a picture of Donald Fart with Kim Young ‘un and the caption would go along the lines of... One of these is a crazy, war-mongering dictator, the other is Kim Jong-un. Oh, how we laughed.

I wonder what they discussed... The following conversation most definitely took place... probably... maybe.

DON: You can't beat us. We'll put millions into our defence

budget.

KIM: Yeah?

DON: Yeah.

KIM: Well, so will we. In fact, we'll put billions into our

budget.

DON: Yeah?

KIM: Yeah.

DON: You can't threaten us... We'll put trillions into ours.

KIM: Well, we'll put... erm... zillions!

DON: Is that all? We'll put gazillions. That's way more than

zillions.

KIM: You've just made that up.

DON: No I haven't. Erm... We'll hit you with a big stick.

KIM: We'll hit you with a bigger stick.

DON: That's what you think. We've got bigger sticks than you.

KIM: No you haven't. Whatever size of stick you've got, we

can match it.

DON: No you can't... Our sticks are as big as tree trunks.

KIM: And who's going to be able to lift it? Ha!

DON: Superman. That's who. He's American...

KIM: We’ll bribe him... We’ll pay him millions.

DON: We’ll pay him billions.

KIM: We’ll pay him.......

Etc. Etc. Ad infinitum.

Okay, maybe I dreamt all that, but it seems to sum up world politics of the moment. That is the level of rhetoric we seem to get from world leaders at the moment. As long as it remains just rhetoric, we're okay. I hope.

.....oooOooo.....

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 16th of June? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Adam Smith 1723 (Philosopher and economist. An enlightened sort of chap.), Geronimo 1829 (The one who yawns.), Stan Laurel 1890 (Actor and comedian.), Jack Albertson 1907 (Actor. Granpa Joe in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.), Enoch Powell 1912 (Politician with a less than generous view on immigration.), Tom Graveney 1927 (Crickety bloke.), Eileen Atkins 1934 (Ectress. Co-created Upstairs Downstairs and The House of Elliot.), Erich Segal 1937 (Orfer. Wrote Love Story. Time for a clip.), Lamont Dozier 1941 (Hit-writing machine. One third of Edith Wayne. [Sorry pardon excuse me? - Ed.] Apparently, as he and his writing partners were contracted to Tamla Motown, they came up with the songwriting name of Edith Wayne in order to continue writing after they left Motown in acrimonious circumstances with lawsuits being filed left, right and centre. Any road up, this was his first composition to reach number one in the UK. What the hell is that on Diana Ross’s head?), Tommy Horton 1941 (Golfy bloke.), Giacomo Agostini 1942 (Motorbike racey bloke.), Eddie Levert 1942 (An O’Jay. Let’s have another clip. All together... People all over the world, join hands...), Iain Matthews 1946 (Musician. Remember his big hit?), Simon Williams 1946 (Ectaw, dontchaknow. James Bellamy in Upstairs Downstairs. Erm... that’s it.), Garry Roberts 1950 (A Boomtown Rat. A clip? Here’s M-M-M-Mary of the fourth form. Sorry about the scary man at the end.), Ian Mosley 1953 (A bit of Marillion. Another clip, vicar? Hey yeah hey ee yeah...), Jurgen Klopp 1967 (Fußball-manager.), Phil Mickelson 1970 (Golfy bloke.), Tupac Shakur 1971 (Rapper. You want a clip? Tough.) and Steven Whittaker 1984 (Footy bloke.).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Gabbler,

It was interesting that you included Baby Love in this week’s list of clips, citing it as Lamont Dozier’s first UK number one. We would be interested to know what was the second UK number one composed by Dozier.

Yours with kindest regards,

Ray Chout, Albie Thare.

.....oooOooo.....

DOUGAL: Hamish!

HAMISH: Dougal!

DOUGAL: Come away in man. You'll have had your tea?

HAMISH: Yes, but I see you're still having yours... that looks

a lovely wee bit of cheese.

DOUGAL: Aye it is.

HAMISH: It looks really nice.

DOUGAL: It is. Very nice.

HAMISH: I love a nice bit of cheese, I do.

DOUGAL: Erm... I don't suppose... you would like... to try

some?

HAMISH: I thought you'd never ask. I wouldn't mind a

smidgen.

DOUGAL: Well, it's at the top of the stairs where it's always

been.

HAMISH: No no. I mean I wouldn't mind a wee piece of

cheese.

DOUGAL: Oh I see. There you go.

HAMISH: I didn't mean that wee. Oh my. That really is tasty.

That is a lovely piece of English cheddar. I must

buy some. Where do you get it?

DOUGAL: In the supermarket. They've got a delicatessen

counter as soon as you go in. It's in the first aisle.

HAMISH: Aisle one?

DOUGAL: No. It's all alphabetical, so it's A.

HAMISH: The delicatessen, you say?

DOUGAL: Aye. Deli, aisle A.

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? Once again, it was a bit mince. 89 pees back from our £2.40 stake. Oh dear. Oh well, at least we can have a wee flutter on the footy this week. Yay! Unfortunately, because the World Cup is spread over a month, it isn’t possible to have bets on five games taking place at a given time. So, in a break with The Grambler’s admittedly flexible rules, this week’s bet covers games being played over the coming week. So what has the great and glorious Grambler randomly predicted?

Game - Time - Prediction - Odds

Croatia vs Nigeria - Sat 20.00 - Croatia to win - 4/5

Costa Rica vs Serbia - Sun 13.00 - Serbia to win - 19/20

Sweden vs South Korea - Mon 13.00 - Sweden to win - 21/20

Colombia vs Japan - Tues 13.00 - Colombia to win - 8/11

Portugal vs Morocco - Wed 13.00 - Portugal to win - 3/5

The selections have been made. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Let’s see how much we could win in the extremely unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£10.62

Hmm... fairly whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

HAMISH: Dougal!

DOUGAL: Hamish!

HAMISH: You'll have had your tea?

DOUGAL: I just had some lovely potted hough... Oh I'm sorry

I'll wipe that up.

HAMISH: I love potted hough... Would you mind wiping that

up while you're about it. What brings you here?

DOUGAL: Well, I was thinking of booking a holiday and I

know you can look things up by roaming the

internet.

HAMISH: You mean searching the internet.

DOUGAL: Do I? Och, you know me. Always getting my

words mixed up. Anyway, you've got one of those

computer things, I wondered if you would let me

have a wee roam... search. Erm... you won't charge

me, will you?

HAMISH: Of course not. Right. I'll just let you fire up my

laptop.

DOUGAL: I thought you said you wouldn't charge me.

HAMISH: No no no, you daft gowk. I mean switch it on.

DOUGAL: Oh, I see. Phew. Okay. Oh. It's asking for a

password. Do you have one?

HAMISH: Auchtermuchty. [Pause] Auchtermuchty. That's

my password.

DOUGAL: Oh I thought you were clearing your throat.

HAMISH: So what kind of holiday are you looking for?

DOUGAL: I fancy going on a boat down the Rhine. You

know, in Germany.

HAMISH: That'll be nice, but you mean a cruise.

DOUGAL: There you go... wrong word again. Oh dear. I'm

not very good at this. Perhaps you should do it.

HAMISH: Okay. What am I looking for?

DOUGAL: Would you roam boating?

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what Glossop North End, Carlisle United, Swindon Town, Northampton Town, Leyton Orient and Barnsley all had in common. The answer is that they have all spent just one season in the top flight of English football.

One for this week? Did you watch the Portugal vs Spain game last night. What a terrific three all draw it was. Ronaldo (or Ran Aldo if you prefer) joined an elite group when he became only the third Portuguese player ever to score a hat trick at a World Cup finals. Can you name the other two? Easy peasy.

I've scored a hat trick... This is how big my head is now.

…..oooOooo…..

HAMISH: Dougal!

DOUGAL: Hamish!

HAMISH: I heard about your accident. What happened, man?

DOUGAL: Well, you know that tree in my garden; the

mountain ash?

HAMISH: Och, yes. The one you got from Belgium.

DOUGAL: That's the one. Well, I thought it was getting too

big. I decided it was time to get my chopper out.

HAMISH: I hope Mrs Nauchty didn’t see you.

DOUGAL: Anyway, I was chopping it down and, before

I knew it, it came down on top of me. The next

thing I knew, I was waking up in Accident and

Emergency at the hospital.

HAMISH: Away, man.

DOUGAL: Aye. That's how it happened... My rowan fell...

A an' E.

.....oooOooo.....

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. S. Laurel whose name appears in this week’s birthday honours. Stan Laurel was one half of, arguably, the most famous comedy duo of all time: Laurel and Hardy. They were one of the few comedy acts that managed the transition between silent films and the new-fangled ‘talkies’. Their golden period was undoubtedly between the years 1927 and 1939; they appeared in 106 films together from 1921 to 1951, but 92 of those films were made in that productive 12 year period.

Often their films were little more than a few sketches strung together with little or no cohesion. Nevertheless, their mixture of slapstick and verbal humour made them popular around the world. In fact, most countries had their own name for them. Here is just a few... In Germany they were Dick und Doof; in Denmark - Gøg og Gokke; in Poland - Flip i Flap; in The Netherlands - De Dikke en de Dunne; in Romania - Stan and Bran; in Hungary - Stan es Pan and in Italy they were Crik and Crok. Lovely names, one and all.

So, what can we finish with? Some slapstick? Well, there is a little bit in the clip I have chosen. I think we have to finish with the only song they ever sang in one of their films. Here is a colourised version of The Trail of the Lonesome Pine. All together now... Eena the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia...

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

Happy grambling.

Saturday 9 June 2018

Week 42 - The Grambler sees things differently

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5SZQo1EW_c&feature=youtu.be

I'm getting to that difficult age... Well, more difficult than normal... Yes I have to concede that I am now approaching middle age [Approaching? From which direction? - Ed.] and am having to consider the things associated with the older gentleman.

No, I am not at the stage where I require Velcro shoes or jogging bottoms [Sounds disgusting. - Ed.]. Although, now I think about it... trousers without zips or buttons? What's not to like? No no. Perish the thought. Please.

No, the thing that I have had to consider is... I'm almost too ashamed to admit it... varifocal lenses. There, I've said it. Can you believe it?

I've resisted for years and have managed (with the aid of a magnifying glass) to read most of the cooking instructions on the side of ready meals. Yes, Marks and Spencer, I'm talking to you. Why does it have to be such tiny print? And another thing, why do you put the instructions underneath the container? Don't get me started.

Any road up, back to varifocal lenses. I was advised by the optician that varifocal lenses were what I required. They would be marvellous, I was informed. Just think, no more swapping glasses to read small print. Just one pair would suit all my needs.

Of course I fell for it. Cost?

'Well, a pair of standard specs can be yours for 59 quids and you get a second pair free.'

Brilliant, thinks I.

'Ah, but there is an extra cost for special lenses.'

Of course there is.

Kerching!

'And you'll be wanting reactolite lenses too.'

'Will I?'

'Oh yes. That way you won't need sunglasses because these will alter to suit whatever the light conditions are.'

'Erm... all right.'

Kerching!

'Anti glare?'

'I'm sorry?'

'You'll want anti glare lenses for, say, driving at night.'

'Yes, okay.'

Kerching!

'Okay. I'll just calculate that. That will be £272.'

'Gulp. Oh well. I suppose so. What about my second pair free?'

'No, you don't get them. It's because you've gone for special lenses'

Oh well, I thought, it's only five times the original estimate... same as any other business, I reckon.

Having started to wear them, I have realised that they are a bit different to what I have been used to. For example, walking up stairs is a little bit odd because the section of glass that I am looking through is the reading part. Thus, my feet are just a blur unless I tilt my head forward as if I am holding a pen under my chin.

I have also been told that I won't be able to play snooker with them on. I have no problem with that as I can't play snooker anyway.

I reckon they can also induce motion sickness. How so, I hear you ask. If I am sitting at a table and look from side to side, I see the table rocking. It is a bit disconcerting. I feel as if I should be holding on to something. The answer to that one is simple... Don't look from side to side.

The oddest thing about wearing them is that flat things appear convex. So as I look at this screen to type, I am seeing the centre of the screen raised up compared to the outer edges. It's a weird sensation.

However, this has answered a question that has always puzzled me. I had never been able to work out why television manufacturers thought it a good idea to change from flat screen televisions to curved screen models. Now I know... It's so that people wearing varifocal specs see a flat screen.

Of course. It all make sense now.

.....oooOooo.....

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 9th of June? Of course, here are some I’ve even heard of. Peter the Great 1672 (The well-known emperor. Talk about full of himself...), George Stephenson 1781 (The well-known engineer.), Carl Nielsen 1865 (The well-known composer. Have some cult'yer.), Cole Porter 1891 (The more well-known composer. Here he is performing his own song Anything Goes. Hmm... The original singer/songwriter?), Les Paul 1915 (The well-known geetarist. A clip? Prepare to be mesmerised.), Jackie Mason 1931 (The well-known father of Krusty the Clown.), Jackie Wilson 1934 (The well-known singer. A clip? Yes indeedy. Here is Jackie’s final performance of Higher and Higher.), Giles Havergal 1938 (The well-known artistic director of the Citizens Theatre.), Jon Lord 1941 (The well-known musician. A clip? Why, soitenly. Here he is with full orchestra performing Gigue.), Charles Saatchi 1943 (The well-known ad man.), Patricia Cornwell 1956 (The well-known orfer.), Michael J. Fox 1961 (The well-known Marty McFly.), Johnny Depp 1963 (The well-known pirate of the Caribbean.), Miroslav Klose 1978 (Der bekannte Fußballer.) and Wesley Sneijder 1984 (De bekende voetballer.).

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Dangler,

We are great fans of the late, great Jackie Wilson. He had a posthumous number one with a reissue of Reet Petite, but there was another top ten hit after that, can you remember what it was?

Kindest regards,

Aggie de Sui, Tess Phelan.

Jackie Wilson

[Some mistake, surely. - Ed]

Don't call me Shirley.

.....oooOooo.....

Let’s move onto grambling matters. How did last week’s bet fare? In a word... rubbish. 86 pees back from our £2.40 stake. Oh dear. Let’s hope The Grambler does better with his/her/its predictions this week. [Don’t talk wet. - Ed.] What has he/she/it come up with?

Meeting - Time - Horse - Odds

Musselburgh - 1.55 - Reverend Jacobs - 8/11

Beverley - 3.50 - Extra Mile - 11/10

Curragh - 3.55 - Mustajeer - 6/5

Newmarket - 4.15 - Aim of Artemis - 4/6

Stratford - 7.35 - Poker School - 6/4

The selections have been made. All races take place on Saturday the 9th of June. Let’s see how much we could win in the unlikely event that the results go as predicted.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee each way accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£15.91

Uh oh. Like last week, a bit too whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what were the unusual circumstances that led to Queen’s Park lifting the Scottish Cup in 1884. The answer is that the opposition, Vale of Leven, didn’t turn up. However, the Queen’s Park team, match officials and spectators were at Cathkin Park for the game. A friendly match between Queen’s Park and Third Lanark was hastily arranged, after which the Queen’s Park players were presented with the cup and their winners’ medals. Apparently, Vale of Leven had asked for a postponement due to a number of players being unwell or injured, but the SFA decided that these were not sufficient grounds for a postponement. What a bunch of absolute...

One for this week? Here’s an interesting one for you. What have the following clubs got in common? Glossop North End, Carlisle United, Swindon Town, Northampton Town, Leyton Orient and Barnsley. Hmm... One to start a discussion down the pub, don’t you think?

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. J. Mason, who celebrates his 87^th birthday this Saturday. He is a very popular Jewish comedian. I know he is funny. A lot of people like him. Unfortunately, he talks with such a thick Brooklyn accent, I can’t understand a word he says. Thank goodness, then, that many of his best lines have been written down so that I, and others like me, can appreciate his humour. Ladeez and gennulum, let us end with the wit and wisdom of Jackie Mason...

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?

I’m still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, “Give me a gun, I’ll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes.” He said, “You’re crazy!” I said, “Write it down!”

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

And finally...

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

Happy grambling.

Pages

Saturday 30 June 2018

Week 45 - The Grambler and a sex change

Friday 22 June 2018

Week 44 - Another World Cup gramble

Saturday 16 June 2018

Week 43 - The Grambler at the World Cup

Saturday 9 June 2018

Week 42 - The Grambler sees things differently

The Bobby Moore Fund

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