Saturday 26 September 2015

Week 8 - Brian Sewell - the haughty culturalist


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Farewell to Brian Sewell. Who, you ask. He was that art critic with the incredibly posh accent. He snuffed it, this week. Tim Brook-Taylor, himself an incredibly posh bloke, described him as a Haughty culturalist. Geddit? Horticulturalist? Haughty culturalist? Please yourselves.

Any road up, old Sewell was a bloke I couldn’t really take to. His clipped way of talking just grated on the lugholes as far as I was concerned. At least that was the case until I watched a programme he made about the surreallist artist, Salvador Dali.

When he was just a young pup, Sewell managed to spend some time at the great artist’s home at Portlligat. He told a story of his time with Dali that says a lot about the weirdness of the great artist, but also says a bit about Brian Sewell. The story goes that Brian was swimming around in Dali’s unusually shaped swimming pool when the great man asked if he could take some photographs. Not a problem, says Brian. Dali then asks him to take his swimming costume off and pose naked. What the hell, thinks Brian and duly obliges. Dali then asks him to indulge in a.. erm... monosexual act. What the hell, thinks Brian and begins to perform as required.

He said of Dali that he was obviously ‘turned on’ by this performance and clicked away with his camera, although Sewell says he doubted if there was any film in it.

It is a story which does not tally with Sewell’s later, cultured but utterly waspish persona. When Sewell wrote, be it a review or otherwise, he took no prisoners...

‘When Tracey Emin makes a neon sign, that’s not the “worst art”, it just isn’t art.’

‘Banksy should have been put down at birth...His work has no virtue.’

On modern art: ‘We pee on things, we pee into things, we pee over things... and call it art.’

‘By and large, women are bloody awful painters. Don’t ask me why; they just are.

On great female composers and writers: ‘Where is the female Mozart? Where’s Mrs Shakespeare?’

On Jane Austen: ‘She’s a terrible bore, writing about people I’m not remotely interested in.’

The day after Princess Diana died, he wrote a piece for the London Evening Standard wondering what all the fuss was about, when she was nothing but a whiny brood mare. Oddly, the piece was never published.

On the Arts Council: ‘An incestuous clique, politically correct in every endeavour, the instrument of the unscrupulous and self-seeking, rewarding the briefly fashionable and incompetent.

On why he had not been made a director of Christie’s, the auction house: ‘I sleep with the wrong people.’

On David Hockney: ‘[He owed his fame] entirely to his homosexuality.’

Brian Sewell... probably not the nicest person to know.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 26th of September? Why, yes. Hunners. Saint Francis of Assisi 1181 (He loved the Eucharist, he really did.), Edmund Gwenn 1875 (Kris Kringle), Barnes Wallis 1887 (Bouncy bouncy.), Thomas Stearns Elliot 1888 (Old Possum.), George Gershwin 1898 (Here’s a fact - After My Way and Yesterday, Gershwin’s Summertime is the most recorded song.), George Raft 1901 (Name of Thor Heyerdahl’s vessel.), Anthony Blunt 1907 (Rhyming slang and a friend of Brian Sewell’s, incidentally.), Marty Robbins 1925 (Inventor of Old El Paso nachos.), Julie London 1926 (Cry her a river.), Ricky Tomlinson 1939 (My arse!), Ian Chappell 1943 (Aussie crickety bloke.), Anne Robinson 1944 (Goodbye.), Brian Ferry 1945 (Character in Thomas the Tank Engine stories.), Lynn Anderson 1947 (I beg your pardon.), Olivia Newton-John 1948 (Aussie trio.), Will Self 1961 (Will self what? Mutilate? Destruct?), Michael Ballack 1976 (German footie bloke.) and Serena Williams 1981 (Tennisy bloke.),

Now, who amongst that lot could provide us with a toon to gramblerise? Julie London? Gramble me a river? Hmm. Maybe not. Lynn Anderson? I beg your pardon, I didn’t gramble you a rose garden? I know. Let’s have the third most recorded song.  Wrong season, I know, but here it is anyway...

Summertime,
And the gramblin' is easy
Fish are gramblin'
And the cotton is high

Oh, Your daddy's rich
And your mamma's good lookin'
So hush little baby
Don't you cry

One of these mornings
You're going to rise up grambling
Then you'll gramble your wings
And you'll take to the sky

But until that morning
There's a'nothing can harm you
With your daddy and mammy grambling by

Wise words there, mate.

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? We made a slight improvement on last week. By the grand sum of tuppence! Yes, this week The Grambler’s predictions brought us a return of £1.55 instead of the £1.53 of the previous week. Woo bloody hoo.  Here is just a quick rundown of the results.

 

Bournemouth vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win

Result - Bournemouth 2 Sunderland 0 - Yay!

Hull vs QPR - Prediction Home win

Result - Hull 1 QPR 1 - Ooh! ‘It the bar!

Shrewsbury vs Crewe - Prediction Home win

Result - Shrewsbury 0 Crewe 1 - Boo!

Livingston vs Hibs - Prediction Away win

Result - Livingston 0 Hibs 1 - Yay!

Stenhousemuir vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win

Result - Stenhousemuir 0 Dunfermline 5 - Yay!

Let’s see what The Grambler comes up with this week. Can he/she/it predict his/her/its way to profit?  Here, ladeez and genullum are your five random selections from this week’s games (all of which take place at 3pm on Saturday the 26th of September).

Game - Result - Odds

Liverpool vs Aston Villa - Prediction Home win - 1/2

Southampton vs Swansea - Prediction Home win - Evens

Bradford vs Peterborough - Prediction Home win - Evens

Shrewsbury vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win - 7/10

Walsall vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 8/15

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£9.19

Hmm... What do you reckon? Do you think this could be our week? No, neither do I.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time! Yay! Last week I asked you who was the highest placed Scot in the English Premiershit’s chart of top goalscorers. So coming in at position 53, pop pickers, it’s Duncan ‘Have a go’ Ferguson who scored 68 premiershit goals. Not arf!

One for this week... Who was the last British player to be the top scorer in a Champions League or European Cup competition? A good one to test your mates down the pub, methinks.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Gleason who provides us with this week’s album cover...
 
 

Spot the signature. Yes, old Salvi, himself.   The great artist describes the artwork thus: “The first effect is that of anguish, of space, and of solitude. Secondly, the fragility of the wings of a butterfly, projecting long shadows of late afternoon, reverberates in the landscape like an echo. The feminine element, distant and isolated, forms a perfect triangle with the musical instrument and its other echo, the shell.” Hmm. That’s top bollocks there, mate.

 

 
Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

 



 

Thursday 17 September 2015

Week 7 - The Grambler's phone bill


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Last week I had a moan about milk prices being too low; this week I am going to moan [You? Never! - Ed.] about some other prices. I have a question for you. What company do you use for your phone/TV/broadband supply? I’m not being nosey. I just wondered if they had a sensible, structured pricing policy. The company which I use seems to have a very ‘unusual’ pricing setup. Basically, it is: How much can we make you pay before you threaten to leave making us cave in and reduce the price to keep your custom? It is, you have to admit, a strange way to fix tariffs and charges.

The company in question - I won’t say its name - which is owned by a beardy bloke with massive teeth in an equally huge gob, has provided my telephone, TV and broadband services for nigh on 16 years. Now, when I first began this contract, I was paying exactly 60 quid per month; a huge amount, you may think, but after paying TB (Do you see what I did there?) prices for years, it was actually a saving. Any road up, after some years paying this amount, a friend happened to mention that they paid only 30 quid for the same package. How so? They threatened to leave beardy bloke’s company and were offered a special rate to stay. Not fair, thinks I, so I tried the same trick...

‘I want to cancel my contract.’

‘Why, sir?’

‘Because my mate gets the same deal as me for half the price.’

‘All right. If we give you the same deal, will you stay?’

That was how easy it was.

Over the next few years the price increased with improvements to services and faster broadband, etc.

When the price was pushing 50 quid I happened to be accosted in my local shopping centre by a salesman from a rival company. Let’s call it Chat-Chat...

‘Who is your phone provider?’

‘Go away (or words to that effect),’ I said, without stopping. I know. Dead rude. As I walked on, he shouted after me something about being able to provide TV, phone and broadband for £30.

Naturally, I stopped in my tracks. 30 quid. I’m paying nearly 50. I retraced my steps and asked him for details. I returned home and, with the information before me, I telephoned beardy’s company...

‘I want to cancel my contract.’

‘Why, sir?’

‘Another company has offered me a better deal.’

‘Which company, sir?’

‘Chat-Chat.’

‘And how much is the deal they are offering?’

‘30.’

‘Hmm...’

Oh dear, I thought, they aren’t falling for it. The truth is, I didn’t really want the hassle of changing provider; I was really only chancing it...

‘I’m afraid we can’t match that.’

Bugger! ‘Oh, that’s a pity.’

‘How does £34 sound.’

A lot better than 50. Ya beauty! ‘I suppose I could be persuaded to stay.’

That happened two years ago and, true to form, there have been price rises along the way. Then, two months ago, I discovered that I was being charged over 50 quid again. Something wrong there, I reckoned...

‘Hello. Is that Vir... beardy bloke’s company? Look here, my good man, my bill has shot up to over £50. How do you explain that?’

‘Loyalty rate sir.’

‘Sorry? What? What loyalty rate?’

‘The deal you signed up to two years ago included a loyalty discount of £9 per month and that no longer applies’

‘Hold it right there. What loyalty discount? This is the first time anyone has ever mentioned such a discount. You can’t retrospectively (That’s a good word. I must look it up.) decide that I had a discount which I am no longer entitled to!!!’

‘How does £43 and a new super duper clever record stuff type box sound?’

‘Yeah, okay.’

So, having read all that, can you explain their pricing policy as being any different to my interpretation of it? No, didn’t think you could.

What it all means is that I am still paying a lot less for my TV/phone/broadband than I was 16 years ago. And I didn’t have a super duper record stuff type box then, either.

Just don’t get me started on their mobile phone tariffs!!!

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 19th of September? Why, yes. Hunners. Ferry Porsche 1909 (Amphibious car.), William Golding 1911 (I am by nature an optimist and by intellectual conviction a pessimist.), Dana and Emil Zatopek 1922 (Hey, we were born the same day! Let’s get married!), Adam West 1928 (All together now... Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner - Batman!), Benjamin Franklin Peay 1931 (Who the f... who’s that? Oh. Brook Benton. Who the f... who’s he, I hear you ask. You know him. You do. Rainy Night in Georgia. That was one of his.), David McCallum 1933 (Ooh, yeah. The man from U.N.C.L.E. Yeah, he was out to beat T.H.R.U.S.H. I’m sorry?  No. Not like yogurt.), Brian Epstein 1934 (Manager of some pop group. The...? No, the name escapes me.), Bill Medley 1940 (A Righteous brother), Paul Williams 1940 (He’s a composer...and a songwriter...a singer too...ectaw... Okay, we get the picture - a right old clever clogs), ‘Mama’ Cass Elliot 1941 (Winkin’, Blinkin’ and Nod. An obscure reference there, folks.), Freda Payne 1942 (She was in Nutty Professor II - The Klumps, you know.), John Coghlan 1946 (Ex-drummer with the existing state of affairs.), Lol Creme 1947 (Ointment which makes you laugh.), Jeremy Irons 1948 (Sarabiiiii!), Nile Rodgers 1952 (Trivia: he calls his guitar ‘the hitmaker’.), Lita Ford 1958 (Car with engine of 1000cc.), Jarvis Cocker 1963 (Sounds painful. Aye, watch you don't jarv his cocker. Ooh, nasty.) and David Seaman 1963 (No jokes about Beckham lobbing him from 50 yards, please.)

Now, who amongst that lot could provide us with a toon to gramblerise? There are plenty of contenders, certainly. Righteous brother, Bill Medley? You’ve lost that grambling feeling? Mama Cass and her Papas [I say. - Ed.] (and other Mama, of course)? California grambling? John Coghlan from off of Status Quo? Gramblin’ all over the world? Nile Rodgers from off of Chic? My feet keep grambling? No I think Lol Creme from 10cc should have the honour. By the bypass, do you know what the name 10cc is meant to signify? Well, apparently... [Don’t you dare! - Ed.]. All right then, here’s Rubber Bullets.

I went to a party at the local county jail
All the cons were grambling and the band began to wail
But the guys were indiscreet
They were grambling in the street
At the local dance at the local county jail

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our bet go last week? We won. Yay! No, not yay. We only ‘won’ £1.53, so we really lost 67 pees. What happened? Read on...

 

Crystal Palace vs Manchester City - Prediction Away win

Result - Crystal Palace 0 Manchester City 1

Yay!

Premier League leaders Manchester City continued their 100% start to the season with an injury-time winner over Crystal Palace. I say injury time; it was actually 19 seconds short of the 90 minutes. It doesn’t sound anywhere near as exciting though, does it?

Nigerian teenager Kelechi Iheanacho (That’s a cracking name, that.), who had come on as a substitute just a minute before, stabbed home his first senior goal after Samir Nasri's shot was saved.

 

Middlesbrough vs MK Dons - Prediction Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 2 MK Dons 0

Yay!

Stewart Downing superbly curled a shot from the right into the corner midway through the second half.

David Nugent then got his first Boro goal to wrap up the win when he finished a one-on-one chance.

 

Chesterfield vs Colchester - Prediction Home win

Result - Chesterfield 3 Colchester 3

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The hosts' Drew Talbot was red-carded early on for a foul on Marvin Sordell, before Dan Jones' free-kick put them ahead.

Gavin Massey levelled from 12 yards, but, despite being a man light, Kim's lad, Lee Novak's close-range finish and Sam Morsy's volley put the hosts 3-1 up.

George Moncur replied from 15 yards two minutes later, before Charlie Raglan turned a stoppage-time cross into his own net. Pillock!

 

Gillingham vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win

Result - Gillingham 2 Blackpool 1

Yay!

Skipper Doug Loft poked the Gills ahead on 17 minutes when keeper Colin Doyle failed to hold Luke Norris's free-kick.

Norris hit the bar at the end of the first half, but shortly after the restart the visitors levelled.

Ryan Jackson turned Brad Potts' cross into his own net but, towards the end of the game, good work from replacement Rory Donnelly set up top scorer Bradley Dack to win it.

 

Dunfermline vs Ayr - Prediction Home win

Result - Dunfermline 0 Ayr 2

Rubbish!

The visitors went ahead midway through the first half when Alan Forrest fired low into the net.

And Jordan Preston doubled their advantage just before the hour mark, pouncing on some poor defending to strike home.

 

Well, at least The Grambler got us some return on our stake last week. Can he/she/it improve on that and actually get us a profit for this week? Let’s have a look at this week’s predictions...

Game - Result - odds

Bournemouth vs Sunderland - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Hull vs QPR - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Shrewsbury vs Crewe - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Livingston vs Hibs - Prediction Away win - 8/15

Stenhousemuir vs Dunfermline - Prediction Away win - 4/6

 

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£8.09

Let us hope that we improve on recent weeks and actually win as opposed to getting just some of our money back.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time! Yay! Last week I asked you who was the only player to have scored in the Glasgow, Merseyside and Manchester derbies? The answer is Andrei Kanchelskis who played for Rangers, Everton and Manchester United. An easy one for folk from Glasgow, Merseyside and Manchester, obviously, but did the rest of you get it?

This week’s teaser? Of the top goalscorers in the English Premier League, who is the highest placed Scot (in position 53) having scored 68 premiershit goals?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a van driver (from the telecommunications company owned by a beardy bloke with massive teeth) for parking his van directly in front of my house. It enabled me to take this picture of the wording on its side...
 
 

I recognise that gag.

 

Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

 



 

Saturday 12 September 2015

Week 6 - The Grambler on the price of milk


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

The big news story of the week has been that of a record being broken by... can you guess who? Her Majesty the Queen? Gord bless her. Dear me no. Wean Rooney? I should coco. The record has nothing to do with being stuck on the throne longer than anyone ever before, or scoring more goals in meaningless internationals than anyone else. Step forward Fabian Delph, but only for nine seconds thanks to a hamstring injury forcing him to be substituted at the very start of Tuesday’s England vs Switzerland game. Thus, he has inadvertantly entered the record book as making the shortest ever appearance by an England starter.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

There has been a lot of talk lately about farmers not being paid enough for the milk they, or rather, their cows, produce. Farmers are perceived as being rather a grumpy breed who, basically, moan about everything - not enough being paid for meat, subsidies not high enough, weather being a bit rubbish - that sort of thing. If it is possible to grumble about something, they will do it. And so it is with milk. Apparently they receive just 26 pence per litre of milk they sell to the supermarkets. Scandalous isn’t it? Cheap as chips Adli are currently selling a two litre carton of milk for 73 pence. That is the cheapest price I have seen. Why are supermarkets so intent on selling milk this cheaply. Twenty years ago [Here we go, Hovis time. - Ed.] my local shop was selling milk at 99 pence per two litre carton and that was the cheapest price around at that time; some shops were selling the same product for £1.69. Twenty years ago! No wonder the farmers are so angry.

I can recall when we used to have milk delivered to the house every morning, it cost almost a shilling per pint. That was when that well-known gauge for inflation - the Mars bar - cost 6 old pennies, or just over half the cost of a pint of milk. Inflation being what it is, you can pay anything between 50 and 80 pence for a Mars bar these days. If milk prices had risen at the same rate of inflation, a pint should now be costing between 90 pence and £1.50. Per pint! Those two litre cartons, by my (admittedly poor) reckoning, should now be priced at somewhere between £3.15 and £5.25.

For once, I think the farmers have a perfect right to be just the tiniest bit miffed.

All this talk of milk reminds me of the Billy Connolly question - Who was the first person to milk a cow and what on earth was he thinking? I have a similar question - Why do we, as a species, drink milk produced by another species? All mammals require mothers’ milk from birth until they can move onto other food. It’s called weaning. Why do humans, not only feel the need to continue feeding on milk, but decide to switch from human milk to that of cattle, sheep, goats, or whatever? Don't think too much about it though, because that is really a pretty weird concept.  I recall a story from not so long ago about a restaurant which tried to sell products made with only human milk.  Guess what.  They were forced to close because of the protests.  I am sure somebody used the expression, 'It's not natural'.  Excuse me? It's a bit more natural than drinking the milk of other species, I would have thought. 
Another question. Who first realised that milk which had become pretty much rancid and had started to become solid could still be eaten? Would anyone actually eat cheese if they fully considered the way it is made? Here is a short extract from an article describing the process.
Starter cultures (What?), or good bacteria (Bacteria? The stuff we use Domestos to kill? And how do you know they are good?), are added to start the cheesemaking process. They help determine the ultimate flavour and texture of the cheese (Clever little sods, these bacteria, aren’t they?). Next, a milk-clotting enzyme called rennet - a complex of enzymes produced in the stomachs of ruminant mammals (I think I’m going to be sick) - is added to coagulate (BLEUCHHH! Sorry about that.) the milk, forming a custard-like mass (I’m going to be sick again. Time to become vegan, I think.).

Any birthdays to celebrate this Saturday, the 12th of September? Why, yes. Loads. Richard Gatling 1818 (Inventor of the joke - Do you like Gatling? I don’t know, I’ve never Gatled. I never said it was funny.), Herbert Asquith 1852 (Star of ‘The Confessions of a Prime Minister’.), Maurice Chevalier 1888 (Thank heavens for little girls? It’s a wonder there isn’t a police investigation. I’m just saying.), Jesse Owens 1913 (Runny jumpy bloke), Ian Holm 1931 (And he lived happily ever after... to the end of his days.), Patrick Mower 1940 (Irish grasscutter), Maria Muldaur 1943 (Send your camel to bed? What?), Barry White 1944 (The walrus of luuurve.), Neil Peart 1952 (Why the hurry?), Brian Robertson 1956 (Whisky in the jar oh.) and Ben Folds 1966 (Whatever and ever, amen.).

Now, who amongst that lot could provide us with a toon to gramblerise? The man who always began a song as if he was being slowly wound up, Barry White? No. Brian Robertson played with Thin Lizzy - stop sniggering at the back - how about something from them? Yes, but not Grambling in the jar oh. How about this one?

But I'm grambling in the moonlight
It's caught me in it's spotlight
It's alright, alright
Grambling in the moonlight
On the long hot summer night

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. How did our little flutter go last week? Badly. We lost. Big time. What happened? Read on...

Scunthorpe vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win

Result - Scunthorpe 0 Blackpool 1

Boo!

Blackpool recorded their first victory since January with a narrow away win at Scunthorpe.

The Seasiders had gone 24 matches without a victory in all competitions but Brad Potts bundled in before the break to give them all three points at Glanford Park.

It gave Neil McDonald's side a first win away from Bloomfield Road since a 2-0 victory at Wigan in April 2014.

Northampton vs Dagenham & Redbridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Northampton 1 Dag & Red 2

Boooo!

The Cobblers took the lead on 23 minutes when Marc Richards headed home Nicky Adams' enticing cross.

Matt McClure levelled five minutes later when he headed in Ashley Hemmings' cross at the back post.

A mix-up between Rod McDonald and keeper Adam Smith allowed McClure to tap into an empty net before half-time.

Smith almost single-handedly kept the home side in the game after the break as he denied Christian Doidge and Hemmings.

Queen of the South vs St. Mirren - Prediction Home win

Result - Queen of the South 0 St. Mirren 2

BOOO!

First-half goals from Sean Kelly and Steven Thompson gave St Mirren their first win of the Championship season as they beat Queen of the South.

Kelly was quickest to react after Thompson headed Stephen Mallan's corner into the six-yard box.

Thompson squandered a fine chance before doubling Ian Murray's side's lead after out-muscling his marker.

Rangers vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result - Rangers 5 Raith Rovers 0

Ray

Lee Wallace established an early advantage from a well-worked free-kick, with James Tavernier adding a second just before half-time when he latched onto Nathan Oduwa's flick.

The comprehensive victory was secured through Barrie McKay's effort from close range.

And Martyn Waghorn increased the advantage with two penalties.

Berwick vs Queen’s Park - Prediction Away win

Result - Berwick 1 Queen’s Park 0

FN BOOO!

Darren Lavery scored his third goal in as many games as Berwick beat 10-man Queen's Park.

The home side were immediately on the front foot, and Ross Drummond's shot was well-saved by William Muir.

It rebounded into the path of Blair Henderson who was poised to score before Scott Gibson handled the ball and sent off.

Lavery made no mistake from the spot, sending Muir the wrong way to notch his fourth of the season.

Come on Grambler! What is going on? Your predictions so far this season have been mince! You will have to buck your ideas up. All right, what have you got for us this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Crystal Palace vs Manchester City - Prediction Away win - 4/6

Middlesbrough vs MK Dons - Prediction Home win - 1/2

Chesterfield vs Colchester - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Gillingham vs Blackpool - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Dunfermline vs Ayr - Prediction Home win - 9/20

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of fanfare please…

£7.08

Is that it? Well, it can’t be any worse than last week.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time! Yay! Last week I asked you who was the top goalscorer at the 1966 World Cup. The answer is Portugal’s Eusebio da Silva Ferreira who scored 9 goals (5 more than that Geoff Hurst bloke got).

One for this week. Who is the only player to have scored in the Glasgow, Merseyside and Manchester derbies?

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr C. Matherson who provides us with this week’s dodgy album cover. Scary man. Awful hair. Suspect title. Yay! A triple whammy.
 
 
Happy Grambling.

 

 

 

 



 

Thursday 3 September 2015

Week 5 - The Grambler on disappearing trades

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent.  It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery.  He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter.  His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

I've been thinking [Dangerous. - Ed.].  You don't see many rag and bone men these days, unless you're watching repeats of Steptoe and Son.  When I was a kid, out playing in the street with my mates, if we heard an out of tune bugle, everyone rushed inside to get something for the rag and bone man.  Only one item, mind, because no matter what you gave him, the reward was the same - a balloon on a stick.  I remember my mother gave me a whole carrier bag full of stuff the first time I asked for something to give him.  She was not impressed with my payment, and went haring down the street after him.  I'm not sure if it was to get the bag of old clothes back or to demand another balloon. 
Lots of jobs seem to have disappeared over the years - coalman, milkman, lighthouse keeper, lamplighter.  Another is explorer.  Not much need for explorers these days.  Just go to Googlie Earth and you can explore the whole planet from the comfort of your armchair.  And yet, there is still someone out there who is dubbed 'explorer'.  Step forward Sir Ralph Twittiface-Whittowoo Phines (or whatever he's called).  Adventurer might be a better term, but he still likes people to think he is actually doing something useful.  No, Sir Randolph, you are just mucking about.  Heading up to the North Pole in carpet slippers is not exploring, it is simply going somewhere that has already been found, but in a ludicrously stupid fashion.  You, Sir Rancid are, to exploring, what Jems Vacuum-Cleaner is to inventing.  If I head down to my local shop wearing moose antlers and plus fours, does that make me an explorer because nobody's done it before?  Of course it doesn't.  People would just call me a tw*t, which is exactly what they should call you.  Explorer indeed.
What bugs me more than him being stupid enough to go on these crazy jaunts is the fact that he gets publicity whenever he heads off on another dangerous expedition.  For dangerous expedition read stupid stunt (I said stunt).  There he is up on our tv screens hauling a sledgeload of provisions up Snowdon in preparation for his next polar safari, wearing his new carpet slippers and the beeb beeb ceeb reporter is using words like courageous, brave and hero instead of the more correct terms foolish, senseless and loony.
Anyway, off he goes on his little trip and nobody pays much attention.  On his return, there he is, back on our screens telling us all how treacherous it had been and how he ended up losing some of his toes due to frostbite.  Normally, I would be sympathetic if someone got severe frostbite, but I am willing to make an exception for Sir Rudolf.  In his case I am definitely lack toes intolerant.
[You made us read all that tosh just so that you could end with a crummy play on words?  Shame on you. - Ed.].
Back to the subject of jobs that have disappeared; you don't see many Jimmy Saville impersonators these days, either.

…..oooOooo…..

Any birthdays to celebrate this week?  Which famous folk came into this world on the 5th of September?  Johann Christian Bach 1735 (Welsh composer), John Wisden 1826 (Yes, yes, yes, it's my Wisden's almanac), Jesse James 1847 (Son of a preacher man), Daryll F. Zanuck 1902 (Known as 'Iron Filings'.  Why?  Because he was a film Magnate!  Boom and, indeed, tish. Please yourselves.), Bob Newhart 1929 (Gzorganblatt - There's an obscure reference for you.), George Lazenby 1939 (Everybody's favourite Bond... apart from Connery... and Moore... and Brosnan, of course... oh, and Dalton... not forgetting Craig.  Apart from them lot, everybody's favourite Bond.), Clay Regazzoni 1939 (pasta made of pottery), Raquel Welch 1940 (Ahot. - Another obscure one for you.), Werner Herzog 1942 (Wearing a hedgehog?  Surely not.), Al Stewart 1945 (Came up to London when he was 19, apparently.), Freddie Mercury 1946 (Who?), Loudon Wainwright III 1946 (Captain Spaulding - the singing surgeon), Michael Keaton 1951 (Buster's lad), Dweezil Zappa 1969 (Electronic device for killing insects.) and George Boateng 1975 (Dutch footie bloke.). 
Anyone in amongst that lot able to give us a toon to gramblerise?  Got to be Freddie and his big solo hit...

Sometimes I feel I'm always grambling too fast (so lonely)
And everything is grambling down on me, down on me
I go crazy
Oh so crazy - grambling on my own


Time to move on to grambling matters…

…..oooOooo…..

How did The Grambler’s predicting skills fare last week?  They didn't, because we didn't have a gramble.  The week before, I meant.  Let's just say we won and lost.  The usual thing.  Stake money £2.20, money back 92 pees.  Oh well.  Let's move on swiftly to this week's predictions, shall we?
Flipping Internationals have messed up the number of games on this Saturday, the 5th of September.  Thus, there are only 29 league games taking place at 3pm for The Grambler to randomly select from.  So what has he/she/it come up with? 

Game – Result  – Odds
Scunthorpe vs Blackpool – Prediction Home win - 4/7
Northampton vs Dag and Red - Prediction Home win - 7/10
Q. of the South vs St. Mirren - Prediction Home win - 10/11
Rangers vs Raith Rovers - Prediction Home win - 1/7
Berwick vs Queen's Park - Prediction Away win - 13/10

…and if the bets (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) all go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will benefit to the tune of… fanfare please…
 
£8.55
 
Not much, but look at the odds for that Rangers/Raith Rovers game.

…..oooOooo…..

It’s Teaser time.  Yay!  Two weeks ago I asked you how many current Premiershit clubs have green in their badges.  The answer is three - Liverpool, West Bromwich Albion and Norwich.  Well, that was an easy one, how about one for this week?
Remember that world cup?  You know, the one that England won?  How about this?  Which player won the golden boot award for being the top scorer?  An easy one, that.  Try to answer it without resorting to Googly for the answer.
 
…..oooOooo…..

Once again, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer.  If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration.  Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign .

…..oooOooo…..

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, we haven't had any dodgy album covers for a while, so here's one that will have you wondering how many cans of hair lacquer were used for this photograph.  That is big hair.
 
 


Happy grambling.