Sunday 25 September 2016

Week 8 - The Grambler salutes Arsene Wenger


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

I was having a glance through some old editions of this blog. One I spotted was a list of anniversaries commemorated in 2015 and I wondered what events might be (or have been) marked this year...

Apparently, William Shakespeare died 400 years ago this year. He is responsible for many words in our language. I’ll bet you don’t know how many... 1700 in all. At least, he is credited with their first being printed for posterity. Many seem modern to us. I used ‘bet’ there; that was one of his. Others include bedroom, elbow, luggage, hint, torture, grovel, dwindle, zany, gust, buzzer [Zany Gust Buzzer? Wasn’t that a 70s prog rock band? - Ed.]. I could go on, but won’t. [Good. - Ed.] But did you know he invented an oaty biscuit? Yep. Hobnob. That was one of his.

The Battle of the Somme took place 100 years ago. Between the 1st of July and the 18th of November 1916, 127,751 British soldiers lost their lives; an average of 893 per day. Total casualties are estimated to have been around 1.2 million. During the conflict, the advance made by the British was a mere seven miles. A hundred years on, war has changed, but we haven’t learned much. Wars still take place, for one thing.

Other warring events are also commemorated this year. It is 75 years since the invasion of Pearl Harbour and 950 years since William the Conqueror made his presence felt. Not to be confused with the more agreeable chap, William the concurrer.

It was 350 years ago that London burnt to the ground. Samuel Pepys survived the conflagration (That’s a good word; must look it up.) as did his cheese. Sorry pardon excuse me? Apparently, the only thing that Pepys was desperate to save was a cheese which he buried in his garden. Now, I enjoy a bit of Welsh rarebit, but come on.

Another invasion took place 1000 years ago when King Cnut (I said Cnut) invaded London by digging a canal in South London to bypass London Bridge. Hmm... As invasions go, it couldn’t have been the quickest route into the city.

Here’s a more trivial anniversary, 40 years ago her maj sent the first royal email. I wonder what she said... Please make sure thet this communication is forwarded to et least ten people to ensure good fortune. End here is a picture of a kitten looking incredibly cute.

It is 40 years since the aircraft that was going to revolutionise air travel began a service between London and Washington. Whatever happened to Concorde?

It is 90 years since the UK General Strike. Thank goodness for the might of the Trades Unions. Things have moved on a bit since then... zero hours contracts, people working for less than the minimum wage and facing the sack if they go to the toilet too many times a day. [This is you being sarcastic, I hope. - Ed.]

It is ten years since the British Broadcorping Casteration’s only TV programme dedicated to chart music was dropped from the schedules. They still manage to repeat most of them on BBC4 though. Strangely, we never see those presented by Jimmy Saville. I wonder why not. It’s as if he never existed. Same goes for Gary Glitter. And Rolf Harris. Isn’t that odd?

Talking of telly programmes, did you know that the Beeb’s Casualty has been on the air for 30 years? Did you care?

Did you know that the first regular ‘high-definition’ TV service began 80 years ago? No, nor did I.

Onto radio programmes, Have a Go with Wilfred Pickles began 70 years ago. An odd concept. Who would have thought somebody belting the living daylights out of a famous broadcaster would make for a popular radio programme?

800 years ago King John lost his crown jewels in the Wash [Ooh! Nasty! - Ed.]. I know how he felt; I’m forever losing socks in the wash.

And finally, something that makes me feel incredibly old. Forty years ago The Damned released the first record of the style called ‘Punk’. Later in the year John Lydon and his fellow Sex Pistols achieved notoriety (or fame depending on your viewpoint) when being interviewed on a live show at 6pm by veteran broadcaster, Bill Grundy. Would you like to see what happened? Here is your first link of the week. Ladeez and genullum, I give you - that interview .  A survey conducted in 2008 claimed that this was the most ‘requested’ television clip. Not sure if that meant requests to YouTube or Points of View. Whatever, it is totally embarrassing to watch; more for the handling of the situation by Bill Grundy than for the band themselves. Most requested clip, eh? What, more than Del Boy falling through the counter? I don’t believe it.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 24th of September? Most definitely. Sir Arthur Guinness 1725 (Inventor of the world’s greatest laxative.), F. Scott Fitzgerald 1896 (F Scott Fitzgerald? Why? What has he done to upset you?), Ruholla Khomeini 1902 (Supreme leader of Iran between 1979 and 1989. Would you like another link? Ladeez and genullum, here is Mrs Billy Connolly - helped by Messrs Smith, Jones and Atkinson - with There's a Man in Iran ), Konstantin Chernenko 1911 (Another supreme leader. [I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme leader. - Ed.]), Anthony Newley 1931 (Trivia: Did you know he composed the Goldfinger theme with John Barry? Or that he and Leslie Bricusse [Brick arse? He wants to try some prune juice; that’ll get him going. - Ed.] wrote the music for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Well, he did.), Jim Henson 1936 (Kermit’s dad.), Linda McCartney 1941 (Let’s dust off the old gag... What do you call a pig with wings? I know I’ve done that one before. I like it.), Gerry Marsden 1942 (Fehhhry Cross de Mairsey.), Kevin Sorbo 1958 (Actor made of rubber.), Jack Dee 1962 (Nicholas Parsons impersonator.) and John Arne Riise 1980 (Norvegian furtburller.),

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? Do you really want to know? We could move straight on to this week’s predictions if you like. Oh. You want to know. Okay, we got precisely fu... nothing back from last week’s bets. Basically, The Grambler was shi... not very good. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Bradford vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 1 Bristol Rovers 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Substitute Charlie Colkett capitalised on a slip by Bradford defender Romain Vincelot to level in the 86th minute after James Meredith had headed the home side into a 73rd-minute lead.

 

Accrington vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Accrington 1 Portsmouth 1

A qualified boo.

The home side took the lead six minutes after the restart when Lacey collected the ball 20 yards out and found the top corner of the net with a superb strike on his league debut.

The Grambler should have known better than to bet against the best-named team in the league. All together now... Everybody Stanley. Keep it in the family...

 

Exeter vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win

Result - Exeter 0 Plymouth 2

Yay!

Paul Arnold Garita set up the opener as he played Craig Tanner's cross into the path of Graham Carey.

He powered his way through the Exeter centre-backs 20 minutes later to score the second before Robbie Simpson missed an excellent chance for City.

Garita was forced off with a knee injury just after half-time before Lee Holmes hit the post for Exeter.

 

Crawley vs Luton - Prediction Away win

Result - Crawley 2 Luton 0

Boo!

James Collins struck with a fine header shortly before the break and Dutch midfielder Enzio Boldewijn raced through to fire the second in stoppage time.

 

Leyton Orient vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Leyton Orient 0 Yeovil 1

Booooo!

Tom Eaves' second-half goal proved enough to hand Yeovil Town their first win in six League Two matches as they claimed maximum points at Leyton Orient.

So there we have it, my gramblerinis. One week’s predictions of utter mince (bar one, of course). Can The Grambler make amends this week? Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly chosen...

Game - Result - Odds

Millwall vs Rochdale - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Carlisle vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Raith vs Dumbarton - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Stenhousemuir vs Alloa - Prediction Away win - 8/13

Annan vs Edinburgh - Prediction Home win - 11/20

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£8.33

That is far from whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what Giorgio Chiellini, Otman Bakkal and Branislav Ivanovic had in common. The answer is that cannibalistic diving striker Luis Suarez has attempted to eat them at some point.

One for this week? This month sees another anniversary. It is 20 years since that chirpy cheery chappie Arsene Wenger was given the job of manager at Arsenal. Your teaser for this week is - who did he replace? Another one to ask down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr J. Henson who provides us with our amusing finishing link. As you might know, artist, cartoonist, inventor, screenwriter, songwriter, musician, film director, producer and all-round smarty-boots Jim Henson was the puppeteer who dreamed up the Muppets. I sat dreamed, it was either that or he was wont to partake of some seriously hallucinatory drugs. Some of the Muppets were a bit... um... weird. What the hell is Gonzo meant to be? Nevertheless, he certainly altered our perception of puppetry. Until he came along, puppets were mostly of the glove or marionette variety. His humans out-of-sight or humans in costumes approach was completely different to everything that had gone before. Although, Henson had been popular in the US of A with his work on the educational programme Sesame Street, it is ironic that when he produced The Muppet Show, it was turned down by American TV networks and it was a British TV company, ATV, that took a chance on producing the programme. It was something of a chance too; the Muppets were unknown in Britain at that time. However, as history has shown us, The Muppet Show was a roaring success. Another anniversay I could mention is that very show. It first aired 40 years ago and, in all, there were five series and a total of 120 shows made. It is difficult to pick a single item to give you as this week’s closing link, so I have relied on my grandchildren for this clip. It is their favourite Muppet moment... Ladeez and genullum, I give you Mahna-Mahnam .

 
Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 17 September 2016

Week 7 - The Grambler returns to Rio


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

This week we are heading back to Rio. It really will be for the final time. Honest. Over the past week or two, the Paralympic Games have been taking place over in Brazil. Have you been watching them? No, nor have I. I have seen the Beeb Beeb Ceeb’s news reports on how wonderfully well Team GB have been doing. Please, don’t get me started on that again.

I have a problem with much of the games. Wheelchair racing? Great. It’s the perfect sport for people with good upper body strength but poor use of legs. So, no problem there. Weightlifting too. The participants lie on their backs and lift the weights. Again, perfect for those with good upper body strength but poor use of their legs.

Now, I am not forgetting those athletes who have good strong legs. The running races for blind people where they are guided by a partner are fine by me.

So what is my problem, you are probably wondering. Oh, you weren’t. Well, I’m going to tell you, anyway. The reason I am happy with the sports mentioned, is that everyone is ‘handicapped’ equally. The first two were all about power in the upper body; the third, was about a disability which does not affect the outcome. What I am not in agreement with, is the system of pitting people with different disabilities against each other.

There was a lady cyclist who just kept on winning medals for Team GB. What was her disability? She had no left hand. And? Well, how does that count as a disability when she is riding a bike? Fair enough, if it was a bog-standard Raleigh with no modifications, but the bike had clearly been built to compensate for her lack of a hand. Thus, the effect her disability was having on her bike riding was precisely nil. Other cyclists she was up against maybe had leg problems; how can she be compared to them? The answer is she can’t. So, if Sir Chris Hoy were to lose a hand in a horrific accident, would he be eligible to ride in these races? [Probably not. They are women’s races. Unless he had a sex change... - Ed.]

A swimming race had the news people waxing lyrical about the winning swimmer (Team GB, naturally), the guy who came second barely got a mention. Although, there seemed to be a little bit of unfairness to this casual observer. I noticed that the winning swimmer had two arms and the second placed guy only had one. How can that be fair?

Surely, the only sports which should be considered are those where the disability does not affect the performance. Sorry pardon excuse me? Obviously, a swimmer with one arm can’t go as quickly as the guy with two. Similarly, somebody with a leg disability is going to fare worse on a bike than somebody with two strong legs.

I have the solution [You bloody would have. - Ed.]. It is impossible to quantify disability. You cannot say a person with a particular disability compares with a person who has a different disability. So I say drop all the sports where a disability has any kind of effect. Do away with those running races where the competitors have varying degrees of leg disability. If they want to race, make them use wheelchairs so that the legs play no part in the outcome.

If running races are to be included, the participants should have no disability to the legs. Similarly, any sports that rely on the arms should only allow people with full use of their arms to compete; weightlifting I have already mentioned, but there are others such as rowing, shooting and archery.

I also mentioned the running races with visually impaired [How very pc. - Ed.] athletes taking part. However, surely even here there could be an unfair advantage to some. Visually impaired can mean anything from poor vision to no vision at all. Correct? To sort out that problem, every competitor should wear a blindfold (not the guides, obviously). Yes. That way, every athlete has the same degree of visual impairment.

Yes, the Paralympics is a very noble gesture, if a little patronising... no, a lot patronising... and it has got a very silly name which is one of those combination words that I abhor, but the problem, for me, is that, in its present form, it isn’t a fair way to select which event competitors may compete in. My system would be far fairer. It is also preferable to any other way of ensuring that competitors have the same disability as each other...

‘Sorry mate, this race is for anyone with no legs.’

‘But I’ve only got half a leg.’

‘As Erasmus of Rotterdam might have said, in the race of the legless the half-legged man is king.’

‘What do you suggest?’

‘Hmm... Got a saw?’

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

I had to feel sorry for Celtic on Tuesday evening. They maybe weren’t humiliated but they were certainly humbled. Sadly, the best team in Scottish football is no match for a top Spanish team at its best. Seven nil. It occurred to me that in the days when Henrik Larsson played for Celtic, he wore the number seven jersey and whenever he scored, which was frequently, the theme to the Magnificent Seven was played on the Celtic Park sound system. I do wish somebody at the Nou Camp had played that through the sound system when goal number seven went in. Or am I just being a little bit cruel?

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 17th of September? You bet your sweet bippy. Wenceslaus II 1271 (A king, but not the good king, although he may well have been an all right bloke for all I know.), Ben Turpin 1874 (Star of silent films. He was famous for his crossed eyes. He insured his eyes for $25,000, payable if his eyes should ever uncross.), Fay Compton 1894 (Ectress and sister of author Compton Mackenzie.), Francis Chichester 1901 (Hello sailor. Famously sailed round the world single-handedly. Tw*t! At the age of 65. Old Tw*t!), Frederick Ashton 1904 (Bally good chep. Gettit? Bally... ballet. Oh, please yourselves.), Dinah Sheridan 1920 (Jenny Agutter’s mum [Surely shum mishtake. - Ed.], Hiram King Williams 1923 (Who? You know him better as Hank. He was also known as Luke the Drifter, the Hillbilly Shakespeare and the Singing Kid.), Reginald Marsh 1926 (Favourite sitcom actor often playing the leading character’s boss.), Brian Matthew 1928 (Still deejaying on Radio 2.), Roddy McDowall 1928 (Cornelius.), Stirling Moss 1929 (The best driver never to have won the formula one title. It says here.), Anne Bancroft 1931 (Are you trying to sedooce me, Mrs Robinson?), Maureen Connelly 1934 (Known as the big yin.), Ken Kesey 1935 (He Who Marches Out Of Step Hears Another Drum.), Des Lynam 1942 (‘Poborsky's had one or two moments - two, actually.’), Billy Bonds 1946 (Footie bloke and not a way of saving up to buy a goat.), Tessa Jowell 1947 (Checking double-chins.), Fee Waybill 1950 (A tube.), Rita Rudner 1953 (Kenneth Branagh’s future ex-wife. One for film buffs, there.), Ty Tabor 1961 (Only the guitarist for the band featured here just two weeks ago, King’s X. I think another link is called for. This time Ty does his best Beatle-type impression. Enjoy It's Love . Great song; dreadful video.  I’ll turn you into fans, yet.), Baz Luhrmann 1962 (Wear sunscreen.), Keith Flint 1969 (Got a light, mate?), Ken Doherty 1969 (Snookery bloke.) and Taylor Ware 1994 (Who? Time for another link .)

 

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Yay! No, still not yay. We won a grand total of one pound and 75 pees so we actually lost 45 pees. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

 

QPR vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win

Result - QPR 1 Blackburn 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Tjaronn Chery's sublime 25-yard free-kick had given the hosts the lead just past the hour mark at Loftus Road.

Sam Gallagher met Corry Evans' cross and sent the ball over goalkeeper Alex Smithies reach to bring Rovers level.

QPR striker Idrissa Sylla was denied late on by Jason Steele as the visitors held on for a share of the points.

Curse you Jason Steele!!!

 

Millwall vs Coventry - Prediction Home win

Result - Millwall 1 Coventry 1

Ooh! ’It the bar! Again!

Coventry led after 22 minutes through Marvin Sordell's first goal for the club. The forward showed strength under pressure to swivel and fire home from 25 yards.

Coventry keeper Reice Charles-Cook's attempted clearance played in Aiden O'Brien before half-time, but he dragged his shot wide. You barmy pillock!

The visitors repeatedly went close after the break, Sordell's header trickling inches wide before Tony Craig deflected his shot behind minutes later.

Superb play from Steve Morison on 71 minutes, skinning Jordan Turnbull before setting up O'Brien from close range, levelled the game. You’re still a barmy pillock for missing that first chance.

 

Scunthorpe vs Southend - Prediction Home win

Result - Scunthorpe 4 Southend 0

An emphatic Yay!

You know, I often worry that I might be accused of plagiarism (that’s a good word; must look it up) because I sift through various match reports for these write-ups. Sometimes I check the Beeb, sometimes I base my text on a different source. For this game I am going to give you two reports, to let you see how different these match reviews can be. First up, the Beeb Beeb Ceeb...

Two goals in five minutes late in the first half from strikers Paddy Madden and Kevin van Veen put second-placed Scunthorpe on course for a convincing victory over Southend.

The first, in the 36th minute, was a personal triumph for last season's leading marksman Madden who made an instant impact on his first league appearance of this campaign following a calf injury.

As Duane Holmes delivered a low cross into the box from the right, Madden popped up to fire a first-time right-footed shot past goalkeeper Ted Smith.

Scunthorpe quickly struck again in the 41st minute when, from a short corner on the right, Josh Morris guided a cross to the near post where Van Veen steered a shot into the far corner for his sixth goal of the season.

Southend boss Phil Brown reacted at half-time with a triple substitution, taking off defenders Harry Kyprianou and Jakub Sokolik and midfielder Adam King and replacing them with Ben Coker, Stephen McLaughlin and Jermaine McGlashan.

Briefly, it gave the visitors more impetus, but it was Scunthorpe who retained their attacking quality.

They made it 3-0 in the 57th minute when winger Morris, the League One player of the month for August, lashed a delightful 20-yard left-footed shot beyond the reach of Smith for his seventh goal of the season.

Madden had the ball in the net again only to be ruled offside and winger Holmes might twice have done better with chances from close range as Southend struggled to stem the flow of a confident Scunthorpe side.

Substitute Richie Smallwood, a deadline-day signing on loan from Rotherham, then sealed the victory with a cracking right-footed volley from inside the box on his debut.

 

And now, Sky Sports News...

Two goals in five minutes late in the first half from strikers Paddy Madden and Kevin van Veen put second-placed Scunthorpe on course for a convincing 4-0 victory over Southend.

The first, in the 36th minute, was a personal triumph for last season's leading marksman Madden who made an instant impact on his first league appearance of this campaign following a calf injury.

As Duane Holmes delivered a low cross into the box from the right, Madden popped up to fire a first-time right-footed shot past goalkeeper Ted Smith.

Scunthorpe quickly struck again in the 41st minute when, from a short corner on the right, Josh Morris guided a cross to the near post where Van Veen steered a shot into the far corner past Smith for his sixth goal of the season.

Southend boss Phil Brown reacted at half-time with a triple substitution, dragging off defenders Harry Kyprianou and Jakub Sokolik and midfielder Adam King and replacing them with Ben Coker, Stephen McLaughlin and Jermaine McGlashan.

Briefly, it gave the visitors more impetus but it was Scunthorpe who retained their attacking quality.

They made it 3-0 in the 57th minute when winger Morris, the Sky Bet League One player of the month for August, lashed a delightful 20-yard left-footed shot beyond the reach of Smith for his seventh goal of the season.

Madden had the ball in the net again only to be ruled offside and winger Holmes might twice have done better with chances from close range as Southend struggled to stem the flow of a confident Scunthorpe side.

Substitute Richie Smallwood, a deadline-day signing on loan from Rotherham, then sealed the victory with a cracking right-footed volley from inside the box on his debut.

Hmm... Only the Beeb came clean and attributed the write-up to the Press Association.

 

Plymouth vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Plymouth 2 Cambridge 1

Yay!

Graham ‘Archbishop’ Carey put Derek Adams' (He used to play for Motherwell, you know.) men on the road to victory, firing into the roof of the net from 12 yards after nine minutes following Ben Purrington's incisive run and perfect cutback from the by-line.

Plymouth surged further ahead on the hour when on-loan Reading winger Craig Tanner's cross from the right was tapped in at the far post by Jordan Slew - one of five changes to Adams' starting line-up.

Medy Elito cut into the box on the right and smashed a low shot past Luke McCormick to make it 2-1 after 79 minutes, but the hosts held on.

 

Portsmouth vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win

Result - Portsmouth 4 Wycombe 2

Yay!

Wycombe went ahead when Paul Hayes found the back of the net from close range after 10 minutes.

The home side hit back when defender Christian Burgess bundled the ball over the line before Gary Roberts put Pompey ahead from the penalty spot after Sido Jombati blocked Gareth Evans' header with his hand.

Hayes fired in his second goal with an impressive finish to equalise in first-half stoppage time.

But Conor Chaplin immediately restored Portsmouth's lead, lifting the ball over Anthony Stewart in the area and heading past the onrushing Jamal Blackman.

Carl Baker got on the end of an Enda Stevens [Edna? - Ed.] cross to volley in Pompey's fourth to seal victory.

If it hadn’t been for Jason Steele and Aiden O’Brien... No, I won’t let it get to me. Three out of five and the other two were near misses... Does that mean The Grambler is getting closer to a full house? [Doubt it. - Ed.] Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected for us this week. Well, The Grambler seems to have selected only from the English lower divisions today...

Game - Result - Odds

Bradford vs Bristol Rovers - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Accrington vs Portsmouth - Prediction Away win - 19/20

Exeter vs Plymouth - Prediction Away win - 17/20

Crawley vs Luton - Prediction Away win - 17/20

Leyton Orient vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 17/20

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£14.92

1492, one of those dates in history that we all remember. It is the year when Christopher Columbus got lost and had to stop in the New World to ask directions.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the first player to be transferred for a six-figure sum. The man in question was Denis Law who was transferred from Manchester City to Torino for £110,000. His transfer fees set records on three different occasions. When he was signed from Huddersfield by Man City in 1960 a fee of £55,000 was paid; a British record at the time. The Torino transfer took place in 1961 and in 1962 Manchester United shelled out £155,000 to sign him; another British record.

Righty ho. How about one for this week? A rather different one for you. What do these players have in common? Giorgio Chiellini, Otman Bakkal and Branislav Ivanovic. Apart from their names being unpronounceable, that is. Try that one down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 
 
…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mzzzz J. Nicholls who provides our finishing link. Remember birthday boy Brian Matthew? Well, in the 1960s he fronted ‘Thank Your Lucky Stars’, ITV’s answer to the Beeb’s ‘Jukebox Jury’. Basically, a band or artist would mime to their latest record and members of the audience were formed into a jury and tasked with scoring it out of five. A score of one meant the record would be unlikely to be heard of again. The show came up with a catchphrase - I’ll give it five - often spoken by regular ‘juror’ Janice Nicholls from Birmingham. She became something of a celebrity simply because of her accent when saying these four (or is it five?) words as ‘Oi’ll give it foive’. Typically, somebody somewhere thought they could cash in her celebrity and this song  was penned in an attempt to propel her to stardom. Not surprisingly, given that it was a terrible song and she had a poor voice, the record failed to trouble the chart compilers of the day and her 15 minutes of fame came to an end when Thank Your Lucky Stars was canned in 1966.
 
 

 

Happy grambling.

 

Thursday 8 September 2016

Week 6 - Star Trek - boldly grambling for 50 years


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

Do you ever get to go on holiday? I hope you do. Holidays are generally enjoyable things. They can induce a bit of stress sometimes. The process of getting on a flight is quite tiresome, I find. But, hey, I am willing to deal with that if there is the prospect of a few days of complete rest from the rigours of day to day life. Not that my life is especially rigorous, you understand. But for those of you who live hectic lives, you deserve a little break from your busy schedule.
Do you bring back souvenirs from your holiday? I have to admit, I used to. I also have to admit that much of it was utterly tacky. Tat of the worst kind. I recall buying a little sealed bottle which contained different coloured sands. The sand had been inserted into the bottle in such a way that it formed a 'picture'. A lighthouse I think it was. Any road up, this little souvenir was carried all the way home in our suitcase. Once we arrived home, the bag was emptied and the little parcel with the bottle in it unwrapped. A bottle of sand. Just that. No longer was it multicoloured; just a browny colour. Unfortunately, the buffeting the suitcase received on our homeward journey had shaken the sand up so that the lighthouse was no more. Another souvenir was a bit more successful though no less tacky. It was a sealed picture frame that contained oil and sand. If you turned the picture over the sand fell through the oil and formed an image of hills or, perhaps more correctly, sand dunes. If nothing else, it was a conversation piece. People would see it and ask, 'Why did you buy that piece of crap?'
The tackiest souvenir I recall bringing home was from Venice. Naturally, a gondola featured. It was a cheap plastic model of a gondola in black and gold and it plugged into the mains. What happened when it was plugged in was that this already nasty piece of tat became even worse as several fairy lights illuminated within it. Hey pesto! A gondola shaped Christmas tree. At least it didn't play Arrivederci Roma.
Often there are more tasteful souvenirs on offer. I recall one, a gift for my mother, was a glass dome which contained some greenery and a large, and very dead, butterfly. It actually looked okay as an ornament. You just had to try and forget that you were looking at a dead insect, which wasn't always possible.
The first time I went abroad (Benidorm, incidentally) I promised to bring back a present for my neighbour's son aged about six. What should I bring? This was in the days when a souvenir from Spain meant a flamenco dancer doll, a sombrero or, for some odd reason, a donkey. Not a real donkey, obviously. It was a plastic thing about two and a half feet tall and it had a furry mane and tail, big eyes and reins. It was as unrealistic as you can imagine and could well have been the inspiration for the My Little Pony toys. Any road up, holidaymakers always fell for this bulky piece of sh*t and bought them by the skip load. Of course, nobody considered the problems that might ensue. Sorry pardon excuse me? At the airport when I arrived in Glasgow, the suitcases all started coming along the carousel/conveyor belt thing. Then, when all the cases were through, along came the donkeys. Dozens and dozens of the things. Brown ones, black ones, grey and white. It was like a donkey Derby. I think mine came in about 57th!
Nowadays, I don't bother bringing anything back. I ask myself whether something that looks okay on a market stall would look okay when I get it back home. The answer is, invariably, no.
To conclude this (g)ramble there have always been those souvenirs in shops and on market stalls which just shouldn't be there. There is no reason for them to be there. Why would anyone consider buying a bottle opener in the shape of a man's genitalia? The first question that springs to mind is why anybody thought it a good idea to manufacture such a thing in the first place. Second question that springs to mind is still why anyone thought it would be a good idea to produce such a thing. It is such a crazy idea...
'Hey Miguel, I have the great idea for a tourist type souvenir that will make us the fortune.' Obviously, I have written this in ‘foreigner-talking-English’ to signify that this was a Spanish entrepreneur (That’s a good word; must look it up.). He wouldn’t have been speaking English at all, in reality.
'Yeah? What ees thees breelliant idea, Pedro?’ Miguel, strangely, has an even more ‘foreigner-talking-English’ way of speaking; more Mexican than Spanish.
'It is the wooden willy that can be used to open the bottle of beer.'
'Er... ees the steeff willy?'
'Of course. How are you going to open the bottle with the floppy one?'
Any road up, on my last holiday to a Spanish resort, there was a shop with all these tasteful souvenirs displayed outside it and a small family group from England went into the shop. The daughter, aged about five picked up one of these bottle openers and asked her mum...
'What's this?'
'Erm... nothing. Put it down.'
'But what's it for?'
'Just.... Just put it down. It's nothing... Oh look this is nice...'
While I had to smile, I also understood the discomfort the mum felt at trying to explain such an obscene object to her little girl. The poor girl is going to be a bit confused in later life when she first encounters a real one...
'So how do you open bottles with it?'

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Before we move onto grambling matters, did you know that Star Trek has been boldly going where no man has boldly gone before for fifty years? Who would have thought such a creaky production would still be going strong fifty years on?  And who would have thought that the 'communicators' Captain Kirk and co. used would ever have become so commonplace?  It's a crrrazy idea, Captain, but it might just worrrk. 
I liked David Scheider’s (@davidschneider) suggestion for a way to celebrate...

In an office? Celebrate StarTrek50 by pretending you're under attack and all falling to one side then another.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 10th of September? Of course they did. Henry Purcell 1659 (Inventor of washing powder.), Adele Astaire 1896 (Fred’s big sister and dancing partner for 27 years; beginning when Freddie was five.), Robert Wise 1914 (Directed West Side Story. No relation to Ernie.), Edmond O’Brien 1915 (Was taught magic by Harry Houdini. That is absolutely true. When O’Brien was a child, Houdini was a neighbour.), Rin Tin Tin 1918 (Seriously. The German Shepherd ‘starred’ in the silent film ‘Clash of the Wolves’. When the talkies began, like so many stars, his voice wasn’t suitable. He had a small yappy type dog bark, totally at odds with his appearance. It is said, his descent from stardom was a rapid one. He was soon sleeping ruff and eventually went barking mad.), Beryl Cook 1926 (Artist whose work was more cartoon than serious, but it had a certain unmistakable, bawdy style which appealed... but not to the art ‘establishment’. See below), Gwen Watford 1927 (Ectress. Played Michael Palin’s nymphomaniac mother in ‘Tomkinson’s Schooldays’.) Arnold Palmer 1929 (Golfy bloke aka ‘The King’.), Karl Lagerfeld 1933 (Fashion designer, dwahling. Famous for his pony tail and wearing ridiculously high collars to hide his scraggy neck.), Jose Feliciano 1945 (Sang ‘Light my Fire’. Er... That’s it.), Don Powell 1946 (Slade drummer.) Judy Geeson 1948 (Ectress. Starred in To Sir with Love. Er... That’s it.), Barrie ‘Barriemore’ Barlow 1949 (Ex Jethro Tull drummer. John Bonham described him as ‘the greatest rock drummer England ever produced’.), Joe Perry 1950 (Geetarist with Aerosmith and with Alice Cooper and Johnny Depp in the Hollywood Vampires.), John Moylett 1956 (As Johnnie Fingers was a piano-playing Boomtown Rat in pyjamas.), Siobhan Fahey 1957 (A third of Bananarama and half of Shakespeare’s sister.), Carol Decker 1957 (A bit of T’pau which is the noise a gun makes in Yorkshire.), Colin Firth 1960 (A river estuary in Scotland.) and Guy Ritchie 1968 (Wasn’t he once Mr Mad Donna?).

 


 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Yay! No definitely not yay. We won a grand total of 88 pees so we actually lost £1.32. Oh dear. What happened? Read on...

 

Bolton vs Southend - Prediction Home win

Result - Bolton 1 Southend 1

Ooh! ’It the bar

Harry Kyprianou's early goal gave the visitors the lead as he fired John White's deep cross into the top corner.

Bolton put Southend under pressure for long periods, but Gary Madine, debutant Keshi Anderson, Jay Spearing and Liam Trotter all missed good chances.

Anderson bundled in an equaliser soon after half-time after putting goalkeeper Ted Smith under pressure.

 

Fleetwood vs Coventry - Prediction Home win

Result - Fleetwood 2 Coventry 0

Yay!

The Sky Blues bossed much of the opening spell, but struggled to turn pressure and possession into meaningful chances against former City boss Steven Pressley's side.

Devante ‘King’ Cole might have opened the scoring within 10 minutes, when David Ball picked out his run, but the former Manchester City youngster fired straight at keeper Reice Charles-Cook.

The hosts went close again on 15 minutes when Ball looked to benefit from a collision between keeper and defender, but his goalbound lob was cleared off the line by on-loan Newcastle defender Jamie Sterry.

It took Coventry until the last five minutes of the half to carve out a real opening, when Vladimir Gadzhev's free kick almost beat Chris Neal but substitute Marcus Tudgay was unable to turn home at the back post.

The Sky Blues continued to press from the restart but were caught on the break for Fleetwood's opener.

Kyle Dempsey, on loan from Huddersfield, launched a delightful diagonal pass to pick out the run of Chris Long, the on-loan Burnley striker showing a cool head and clever feet in the box before slotting low under Charles-Cook.

The hosts did not take long to double their lead, Ball mopping up a loose pass 25 yards out to release sub Martyn Woolford, who took a touch before blasting low inside the near post.

 

Colchester vs Exeter - Prediction Home win

Result - Colchester 2 Exeter 3

Boo!

Exeter went ahead in the eighth minute through Robbie Simpson's close-range effort, after Jordan Moore-Taylor's header had hit a post following a free-kick.

Simpson should have scored again soon after when he blasted over from 10 yards following Jack Stacey's pass.

And two minutes later, Colchester equalised when Sammie Szmodics converted after Luke Prosser had headed a free-kick back across goal.

Colchester keeper Sam Walker denied Jake Taylor before Colchester went ahead seven minutes before half-time through Kurtis Guthrie, who deftly headed in Brennan Dickenson's corner.

But Exeter equalised five minutes after the break through Ollie Watkins' fine low shot from the edge of the area, and Joel Grant restored Exeter's lead midway through the second half when he slid in to convert Stacey's cross at the far post.

 

Luton vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win

Result - Luton 4 Wycombe 1

Yay!

Luton broke the deadlock on 11 minutes when Pelly Ruddock Mpanzu's fierce cross was turned in by Ronnie Hylton.

Wycombe created little, their best efforts being Danny Rowe's wayward attempt and Matt Bloomfield's low drive, which was turned aside by Christian Walton.

The Hatters missed a wonderful chance on 28 minutes as Cameron McGeehan's tame penalty, won when Jordan Cook was brought down by Stephen McGinn, was easily saved by Blackman.

Mpanzu put a fine chance wide just after the break, before Luton had the second goal their play fully deserved. McGeehan's low shot was parried by Blackman, with Hylton tapping home his second of the afternoon.

Wycombe were back in the game on 63 minutes as Bloomfield escaped the home defence to find the corner, while substitute Garry Thompson tested Walton low down from range, before seeing another shot parried by the Luton keeper.

After weathering the storm, though, Luton won their second spot-kick on 88 minutes when Hylton was fouled and he converted the penalty, before Cook notched a breakaway fourth in injury time.

 

Mansfield vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win

Result - Mansfield 0 Cambridge 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The first half was a dull affair with neither side taking control in the wind and rain. Cambridge did have the ball in the net after only four minutes, but an offside flag was raised before Luke Berry headed home from six yards.

On 32 minutes it took a superb sliding tackle by Stags defender Mal Benning to stop Conor Newton in his tracks as he shaped to finish.

Mansfield's three best goal attempts all came from Mitch Rose. The midfielder volleyed over on 11 minutes, forced Will Norris to block his 20-yard snapshot on 24 minutes and saw Norris well-placed for his ambitious 35-yard dipper just before the break.

The second half was no better, though Newton wasted the chance of the game for Cambridge on 61 minutes. Unmarked, and only eight yards out, he turned Berry's cross wide of the far post.

Ho hum. That was last week, what about this week? From the 59 Senior League games kicking off this Saturday, the 10th of September at 3pm, The Grambler has randomly selected...

 

Game - Result - Odds

QPR vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Millwall vs Coventry - Prediction Home win - 4/7

Scunthorpe vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 13/20

Plymouth vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Portsmouth vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win - 8/15

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£8.34

Not in the least bit whopping.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who was the last player to score over 40 goals in an English top flight season. Wull, Saint, ah fink de readers probly know the arnswer to thet wan. Yes, it’s none other than everybody’s favourite cockney footballer, Jimmy Greaves. You crack me up, Greavsie. Yes, Jimmy Greaves the player who should have played in the England World Cup winning team instead of Geoff Hurst [Who? - Ed.] scored a still unbeaten 41 goals for Chelsea in the 1960-61 season. Incidentally, that tally included six hat-tricks. He moved to AC Milan in April 61 but, after an unhappy few months, returned to England in December of that year when he was bought by Tottenham Hotspur for £99,999. The reason for that odd fee was because he didn’t want to be burdened with the tag of being the first £100,000 footballer.

One for this week? Let’s stick with transfer fees. Clubs are now paying out ludicrous sums of money for players. £89 million for some French midfielder of no fixed hairstyle? Madness. It makes the above story seem a little quaint. Okay, this week’s teaser... Greavsie didn’t want to be saddled with the label, but who was the first player transferred for a six-figure sum? The bonus question... Who were the sellers and buyers in the transaction? A good one for trying out in the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, again I am indebted to a Mr. U. Tube who provides our finishing link. I thought it right to finish with a little medley of some of Mr James Greaves’ finest moments. He really was an extremely talented player .

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 3 September 2016

Week 5 - The Grambler's tribute to Gene Wilder


Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy

 

On Monday I placed the following message on the Kick Bowel Cancer’s Backside Fund Facebook page ( https://www.facebook.com/kickcancerfund/ )

Today, the 29th of August, is the third anniversary of Stewart losing his fight for life. We still think of him every day. Sometimes with sadness as we recall his time in hospital trying to beat the horrible disease that is bowel cancer. Sometimes with happiness as we remember the happy, healthy, smart, witty person that Stewart was. We also remember the strength he showed throughout his illness. He hated being called brave, but the bravery he showed towards the end of his life put us all to shame. No one individual should have to suffer so much pain, but he bore it without complaint. When we were trying and failing to hold back tears, he was the only one that managed to stay calm. In short, he was a great person to know.
As somebody famous once wrote -
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Much has changed in those three years. The world has become a scarier place made even more frightening by the fact that a very scary individual is attempting to become president of the good ol’ U S of A. Donald Trump is quite scary too.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the medical profession’s belief that bowel cancer only affects older people. Over the past three years, I have written about some of those who have contracted the disease; some as young as 18.

That is why this blog continues. Okay, some of the rants can get a little silly, but behind it all is the message that bowel cancer can hit anyone at any age. Stewart was diagnosed at 26. He had been displaying symptoms for about a year before that diagnosis was made. In that year he had been to see a doctor many times for help. It wasn’t always the same doctor he saw. It took a year before one of those doctors recognised the symptoms of bowel cancer. Why was that? It was because most practitioners in the medical profession believe that bowel cancer is a disease found in older people; it does not hit anyone so young. Those doctors didn’t think it necessary to carry out tests for bowel cancer in someone of Stewart’s age. They need to be told that they are wrong. This blog will continue, in Stewart’s memory, to try and get the message across. It is important that as many people as possible are aware that bowel cancer can hit anyone; age is irrelevant.

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

Because it happened on the same date as Stewart dying, I will always remember the date that Gene Wilder died.

Yes, this week we lost another ectaw dear leddie. Now, you are probably thinking that I am about to give a typical Grambler style tribute to Mr Wilder. The, I-know-he-was-successful-but-I-couldn’t-stand-him sort of thing. Let me begin by listing, in no particular order pop pickers, ten of my favourite films...

The Ladykillers (The original Alec Guinness one)

Airplane

Blazing Saddles

The Producers (The original non-musical version)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Doctor Strangelove

Young Frankenstein

Mr Hulot’s Holiday

Kind Hearts and Coronets

Gregory’s Girl

What do you notice about that list? Yes, you at the back? Yes, indeed, they are all comedies. I do like a good larf. Anything else? Correct. Three of them are films which featured Gene Wilder. Does that mean that he was one of my favourite comedy actors? I did enjoy his performances; if you wanted neurotic, he was your man. However, he was never the main reason why I enjoyed the films included in my list. My main reason for liking those films was the fact that Mel Brooks was the man behind them. I might also have included Silent Movie or High Anxiety; both Mel Brooks films, but no Gene Wilder in sight. Later in his career Wilder starred in a few so-so comedies with Richard Pryor. He also fancied himself as the head honcho by occasionally producing, writing and starring in his own projects. Some of these were well received, while others - Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother, for example - were rightly slated. The work he did in his early career was the best; later stuff, to me, was less enjoyable.

I did like him. Honest, I did. However, there was one thing about him that I found ridiculous. It was something that, for me, got in the way of every performance he ever gave. What, I hear you ask. That crazy-looking combed over hairstyle he always wore. The thatched roof look just isn’t cool.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Any birthdays of note to celebrate? Did any famous or notorious folk come into this world on the 3rd of September? Of course they did. Ferdinand Porsche 1875 (House extension.), Cecil Parker 1897 (‘Major Courtney’ in The Ladykillers. See above.), Alan Ladd 1913 (Little cowboy.), John Len Chatman aka Memphis Slim 1915 (Every day he had the blues.), Freddie King 1934 (One of the three kings of electric blues geetar; the others being B.B. and Albert.), Pauline Collins 1940 (In 1963 almost became one of Doctor Who’s ‘companions’ [Wink wink, say no more. - Ed.]), Al Jardine 1942 (A Beach Boy.), John Shrapnel 1942 (A descendent of General Henry Shrapnel who invented an exploding cannonball that gave off shards of metal which became known as shrapnel. So now you know.), Valerie Perrine 1943 (Inventor of worcester sauce.), Gary Leeds 1944 (A Walker Brother.), Doug Pinnick 1950 (Singer and bass player with King’s X, a band I have actually been to see and they were pretty darned good. Time for a link... Ladeez and genullum, I give you Summerland . ), Steve Jones 1955 (A Sex Pistol.), Charlie Sheen 1965 (One of his quotes... ‘I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.’ Nice guy.), Gareth Southgate 1970 (Footy bloke. Loves taking penalties.), Fearne Cotton 1981 (Ronnie Wood’s daughter-in-law.) and Nicky Hunt 1983 (Footy bloke/rhyming slang.)

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Let’s move on to grambling matters. What happened last week? We won. Yay! Sort of. Not yay? Not yay. We won £1.92 or lost 28 pees, depending on how you look at it. What happened? Read on...

Everton vs Stoke - Prediction Home win

Result - Everton 1 Stoke 0

Yay!

Everton had efforts from Romelu Lukaku and Ashley Williams cleared off the line before they got a penalty when Williams was tripped by Phil Bardsley.

Shay Given pushed Leighton Baines' spot-kick on to a post but the ball then rebounded off Given's head and in.

Stoke's Marko Arnautovic hit the crossbar, but Everton held on to win.

 

Bradford vs Oldham - Prediction Home win

Result - Bradford 1 Oldham 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Oldham went in front in the fifth minute when Marc ‘Alarm’ Klok delivered a free-kick from the right to the far post, where unchallenged defender Peter Clarke scored with a downward header.

Bradford dominated the rest of the opening period as the visitors' defence survived a series of narrow escapes.

Ex-Motherwell keeper Connor Ripley made a brilliant one-handed save to deny winger Mark Marshall, Timothee Dieng and Josh Cullen both had shots deflected for corners, and Billy Clarke missed a good chance when he turned James Meredith's cross wide.

Oldham somehow held their lead until half-time, but Bradford deservedly equalised after 57 minutes when Ousmane Fane dragged Cullen to the ground and Clarke scored from the spot.

Bradford continued to dominate, but could not turn possession into goals as Oldham's defence held firm.

 

Doncaster vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 4 Yeovil 1

Yay!

Rovers started in red-hot fashion and took the lead after just 34 seconds.

Andy ‘Moon River’ Williams lashed home a fine volley on the angle after meeting John ‘Mary’ Marquis' knock back from a corner.

But Yeovil were much the better side in the first half without truly testing Rovers goalkeeper Marko Marosi.

They were made to pay when Rovers doubled their advantage in the 54th minute, James Coppinger volleying in from 15 yards.

Yeovil hit back two minutes later as Hedges intercepted Matty Blair's careless backwards header and fired past Marosi.

The afternoon got a little easier for the hosts when Bevis ‘Robert’ Mugabi saw red in the 76th minute following his second booking for dragging down the breaking Williams.

And there was no stopping the Rovers striker who calmly slotted home from close range eight minutes from time before sealing his hat trick by heading home Tommy Rowe's cross unmarked in injury time.

 

Queens Park vs Livingston - Prediction Away win

Result - Queen’s Park 1 Livingston 0

Boo!

The first real opening for Queen’s didn’t arrive until the 25th minute. Josh Watt made great ground down the left to get in a cross from the byeline, and Aiden Malone worked wonders to get in a shot that was blocked for a corner.

And from the corner the Spiders scored!

Darren Miller’s kick found Malone at the far post, where he volleyed a shot behind Livi goalkeeper Liam Kelly. It took a deflection on the way in, but none of the home side fans was complaining.

 

Forfar vs Elgin - Prediction Home win

Result - Forfar 3 Elgin 2

Yay!

The home side started the game well, but as the first half progressed Elgin looked better on the ball as the Loons struggled at times to get things going on the park. Midway through the first half Chris McLeish opened the scoring for Elgin when his persistence at the edge of the box let to him getting a shot away which beat Grant Adam in the Forfar goal. On thirty-eight minutes the Loons equalised when Thomas O’Brien drilled a peach of a shot into the Elgin net from outside the box. However, Forfar conceded again three minutes from half time when a cross field ball to the right was squared by Craig ‘Tommy’ Gunn for McLeish to net his and Elgin’s second.

Forfar levelled the game again five minutes into the second half when Josh Peters evaded a couple of challenges to net from inside the box as the Loons began to show a marked improvement on their first half showing. Elgin’s McLeish was then denied what would have been a fine hat trick when Adam pulled off an excellent save to touch the Elgin striker’s shot over the bar. With the game in the balance at two goals each, and with both sides matching each other well, it took a touch of class for the Loons to take the lead for the first time in the game when some neat passing on the left released O’Brien who swaggered into the box leaving some bemused Elgin defenders in his wake before dispatching the ball past goalkeeper Cameron McKay.

 

Oh well. Three correct predictions (with one nearly correct and one totally wrong) would normally give us a profit on our £2.20 bet. Unfortunately, the odds were... well... a bit rubbish. This week, the only league games taking place at 3pm on Saturday the 3rd of September are in English leagues 1 and 2 (or 3 and 4 in old money). It’s all to do with early round matches in the English and Scottish FA Cups. At least that is how they used to be known; now, it’s the Emirates Cup in England and in Scotland we have the Irn-Bru Cup. Ye gods and little fishes! Any road up, there are 19 games for The Grambler to select from, which five did he/she/it randomly pick?

Game - Result - Odds

Bolton vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 8/11

Fleetwood vs Coventry - Prediction Home win - 6/5

Colchester vs Exeter - Prediction Home win - 11/10

Luton vs Wycombe - Prediction Home win - Evens

Mansfield vs Cambridge - Prediction Home win - 6/5

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£15.37

Oh dear. A bit too whopping if you ask me.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you which London-based club, in 1888 dropped the words ‘St. Andrew’s Church Sunday School’ from its name. It was a team founded in 1879 as Fulham St. Andrews Church Sunday School F.C. Yep, Fulham F.C. They are known as the Cottagers because their ground is called Craven Cottage and not for the reason suggested by a Mr. G. Michael.

Okay, how about one for this week? Who was the last player to score over 40 goals in an English top flight season? The fact that I worded it that way should give away the fact that it was before the first division changed into the Premiershit that we all know and hate.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. U. Tube who this week provides our finishing link. Ladeez and genullun, please enjoy a short tribute to Mr Gene Wilder .

 


 
Happy grambling.