Thursday 26 October 2017

Week 12 - The Grambler remembers Fats Domino


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Woo hoo! Motherwell are in the final of the BetFred/Scottish League Cup, or whatever it is called these days. Yes, they thumped the Teddy Bears 2 nil at Hampden on Sunday. Yay!

Despite that upbeat start to this week’s (g)ramble, it is a bit of a sad one this week.

I would love to have said I was at the match but I can’t. Because I wasn’t. Why not, I hear you ask.

My big mate thought the same...

‘Whit dae ye mean ye wurnae there? Imagine no going tae see yer team playing in the semi o’ the cup! Whit kind of supporter ur ye?’ He talks like that.

He has a point. My answer was a rather feeble, ‘I don’t like Hampden.’ That is true; I think that its shape is not really suitable for a football stadium. Then I added, ‘I could only have got a seat low behind the goal.’ This is true also... up to a point. If I had sought to get a ticket early enough, I could probably have managed to get a seat in a higher position. I have been to a couple of games where I was sited in a low position behind the goal and definitely wouldn’t want to spend a football match there ever again. I might as well have been elsewhere, anywhere, because it was impossible to see what was happening on the pitch. All it was possible to make out was the fact that the players were either running towards me or running away from me. Sometimes they were going from side to side. Possibly. Occasionally, I got a glimpse of the ball. It was nice to be there to soak up the atmosphere, but it would have been nicer to see a game of football as well.

So, if I could have got a decent seat, why didn’t I go? Pull up a chair and I’ll tell ee...

The last time Motherwell played in a semi-final and a final at Hampden was six years ago. 2011. [Yes, we had worked that out. - Ed.] I still have the rather faded mug commemorating the occasion. I went to both of those games. I enjoyed them both, even though Motherwell lost the final which, incidentally, took place on my birthday. It would have been a wonderful present indeed if the ’Well had taken the honours. As it was they got humped 3 nil and I got that mug.

If you enjoyed those matches so much what has changed, I hear you ask. (Don’t worry, I can’t really hear you asking that. CCTV surveillance hasn’t got that far. Yet.)

The person sitting at my side has changed. You see, at those matches of six years back, Stewart (the founder of this great and glorious blog) was beside me. We cheered together. We groaned when the goals went in. We berated the referee. No doubt we drank Bovril at half time together. We drank a pint in the pub before the game. We drowned our sorrows in a pint after the game.

Stewart had not yet been diagnosed as having bowel cancer; that would happen a little over a month later. Although the actual Hampden matches had been happy times and had given me some memories to cherish, the fact that I subsequently found out that the final had been the last game without Stewart knowing of his cancer makes it difficult for me to return there, however. 

There would be very few matches at all for Stewart after that one; the next season he was more often than not too ill to go to games.

I don’t know if I could face going back there without him. My memories of that time, generally, are not happy ones.

You may argue that I still go to Fir Park to watch Motherwell and that there should be no difference. Actually, there is a huge difference. I am surrounded by people who I have known for years. I might not know their names nor they mine, but we see each other at every game and chat to each other. They knew Stewart and are aware of what happened to him. I feel comfortable with them... although I could happily swing for that nutter who sits behind me and starts shouting abuse at the referee and linesmen as soon as the match starts and doesn’t stop til it ends. But, apart from him, I am happy to be with the folk around me.

At Hampden, though you try to get seated near the guys you know, you can end up seated next to complete strangers. I fear that, with my sad memories of Stewart, watching a match there would be a lonely and ultimately depressing experience... and not just because my team might be getting gubbed. I’m just not sure I am yet ready for the Hampden experience.

I may yet change my mind, but I don’t regret missing Sunday’s game. I listened to the commentary on the radio and watched the highlights.

And I thought of my last visits to Hampden with Stewart.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 28th of October? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Robert Liston 1794 (Scottish surgeon. Lost the heavyweight title to Cassius Clay.), Auguste Escoffier 1846 (French chef and author. Ever wondered where the word ‘scoff’ came from? Look no further... than a dictionary.), Edith Head 1897 (Costume designer with unfortunate name.), Elsa Lanchester 1902 (Ectress. Eventually bought over by Daimler. A car buff gag there. Not a very good one, admittedly.), Evelyn Waugh 1903 (Journo and author. Somewhat right-wing politically. Described Abyssinia as '...a savage place which Mussolini was doing well to tame.'), Francis Bacon 1909 (Artist. ‘I feel ever so strongly that an artist must be nourished by his passions and his despairs. These things alter an artist whether for the good or the better or the worse. It must alter him.’ Yeah, right. An artist who talked bollocks.), Pearl Hackney 1916 (Ectress. Later became Pearl Black Cab. No? Please yourselves.), Dame Cleo Laine aka Lady Dankworth 1927 (Jehhhzzz singer. Time for our first clip of the week. Here’s Lady be Good. Husband John is on sax.), Bill Rodgers aka Baron Rodgers of Quarry Bank 1928 (Politician. One of the ‘Gang of Four’ defectors from the Labour party who formed the Social Democratic Party.), Joan Plowright 1929 (Ectress. Merried to Lord Lerry Olivier dontchaknow.), Bernie Ecclestone 1930 (Bluebottle’s mate in the Goons.), Manuel Francisco dos Santos aka Garrincha 1933 (One of Brazil’s greatest ever footy blokes.), Graham Bond 1937 (Musician. Enjoy this clip of the Graham Bond Organisation from 1965 playing Hoochie Coochie Man.  Did you recognise the other band members?), Howard Blake 1938 (Composer. I bet you know his most famous composition. You do. Here it is.), David Dimbleby 1938 (Jonathan’s bro.), Brian Rankin aka Hank Marvin 1941 (Influential geetarist. Want a clip? Here are the Shadows from 1960 looking mean and moody.), Jimmy McRae 1943 (Car racey bloke.), Glyn Ellis aka Wayne Fontana 1945 (Original singer with the Mindbenders whose most famous hit was this - The Game of Love.), Wim Jansen 1946 (Footy bloke. Briefly managed Celtic.), Peter Hitchens 1951 (Journo.), Bill Gates 1955 (Who?), Stephen Morris 1957 (Drummer with Joy Division, New Order, The Other Two... Another clip? Here’s True Faith.  I'd forgotten what a brilliant promotional video that was.), William Reid 1958 (Musician with Polomint City’s own Jesus and Mary Chain. Time for another clip. Here’s April Skies.), Julia Roberts 1967 (Ectress. As Arthur would say, her with the mouth.), Joachin Phoenix 1974 (Actor.), Alan Smith 1980 (Footy bloke. Still playing.), Milan Baros 1981 (Footy bloke. So’s he.), Matt Smith 1982 (Ector. The 97th Doctor Who.) and Joe Thomas 1983 (An Inbetweener.).
 
 
Taza, a Chiricahua Apache
 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Grarmbuler,

I enjoyed the clip of the ‘mean arnd mardy’ Shardows from their arly days. Ho, I knew all their tunes... Shazarm, Wonderful larnd, Guitar tarngo, Foot Trapper. Then there was that other one about an Red Indiarn bloke... The one parachutists shout out. Germolino. Him. Of course, they became much more farmily friendly as the years parssed. Oh yarss. I believe they (an instrumentular group) represarnted the UK in An Song (as in singing) for Europe. An blibbing odd choice if you arsk me. What the blibbing flip were they doing singing? They’d never done it before. I can’t remember the song, anyway. Couldn’t have been much cop. It probably came second. We always did in those days. Ho yarss, Kennarth the Cellar, Karthy Kerbstone, Clogger Rogger... all of them. Never won. Don’t know why we kept entering the blibbing thing. Oh, I’m forgetting that one about an puppet made of string sung by... something to do with the seaside... her with the feet. That won.

What was that Shardows song called, again? No it’s gone. Carn you help?

Yours sincerefully,

Lemmy B. de Juan.

Something seems strangely familiar about that so-called letter, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Well, time to get on with some grambling. How did The Grambler’s predictions for last week fare? Not too badly. We won. Still made a loss of 21 pees though. What happened? Read on...

 

 

Newcastle vs Crystal Palace - Prediction Home win

Result - Newcastle 1 Crystal Palace 0

Yay!

Mikel Merino came off the bench to head Newcastle to a 1-0 victory with his first goal in English football.

The Spaniard's bullet header from Matt Ritchie's 85th-minute corner handed the Magpies a win they barely deserved on an afternoon where they were poor for long periods before producing a late flurry.

Palace, who enjoyed the better of much of the game, ultimately paid for not making the most of their chances, the best of which fit-again winger Wilfried Zaha headed wide before the break.

 

Nottingham Forest vs Burton Albion - Prediction Home win

Result - Nottingham Forest 2 Burton Albion 0

Yay!

The Brewers had the best chance of an uneventful first half when Eric Lichaj's superb goal-line block denied Lloyd Dyer.

Forest started the second half much better and led when Stephen Bywater's punched clearance fell to Barrie McKay, who volleyed into the top corner.

Lichaj fired home a close-range second after a neat flick from McKay.

 

Wolves vs Preston - Prediction Home win

Result - Wolves 3 Preston 2

Yay!

Ivan Cavaleiro gave them the lead when he tapped in Barry Douglas' cross, and Leo Bonatini scored from the spot after Josh Harrop fouled Matt Doherty.

Bonatini slotted home his second after Jota's shot was saved by Chris Maxwell but Jordan Hugill headed a goal back and Conor Coady put into his own net.

Preston had Alan Browne sent off for a second yellow late on.

 

Doncaster vs Walsall - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 0 Walsall 3

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

The hosts were punished in the second half. On 62 minutes, Tyler Roberts pinched the ball away from Joe Wright and squared to Erhun Oztumer, who slotted in from close range.

And after 66 minutes the lead was doubled when Joe Edwards found Oztumer in space to fire past Ian Lawlor.

The game was put to bed with 10 minutes remaining when Amadou Bakayoko latched onto a long clearance and slid in a pass for Morris who finished well.

 

Coventry vs Colchester - Prediction Home win

Result - Coventry 0 Colchester 0

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Both sides had chances but failed to break the deadlock as the side's goalkeepers had barely anything to do all day.

The best chances of the game came right at the death as home defender Ryan Haynes missed two glorious opportunities to grab the points.

First he fired wide with just five minutes left before heading Jorden Shipley's corner over in stoppage time.

 

Ho hum. Pity about that Doncaster result. Other than that one, it was a reasonable week. What has The Grambler randomly selected for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Cardiff vs Millwall - Prediction Home win - 4/6

Charlton vs AFC Wimbledon - Prediction Home win - 10/11

Wigan vs Blackburn - Prediction Home win - 3/4

Accrington Stanley vs Barnet - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Lincoln vs Crawley - Prediction Home win - 4/6

 

Still no Scottish games. Oh well. The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£10.00

 

That’s a first! A tenner! Spot on! Hope it happens.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you what country qualified for the 1982 World Cup having beaten England for the first time, prompting this famous partisan rant from a commentator, ‘Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana - we have beaten them all. Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me?’ The answer was, of course, Norway. The words were spoken by Bjorge Lillelien, a sports journalist and commentator for the Norwegian Broadcasting Corporation. He was a radio, rather than a TV, commentator, but he was so highly regarded that TV viewers used to turn down the volume on their sets and switch on the radio to listen to him. He finished his rant with the now famous words, ‘Your boys took a hell of a beating!’ Brilliant.

Righty ho, let’s have one for this week. Here’s a pre-English Premiershit question. Which 17 year old became the youngest scorer of a First Division hat-trick in 1988? Bonus question - For which club? A good un to ask down the pub, I reckon.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, we have lost another great musician this week. Antoine Domino known as ‘Fats’ passed away on Tuesday. Although his most famous music was produced over 60 years ago, many people, young and old, will know his songs ‘Blueberry Hill’ and ‘Ain’t That a Shame’. He could take an ‘old standard’ and give it a piano-based blues arrangement that made you immediately know it was a Fats Domino song. Apart from being a big star physically, he was a big star as far as sales were concerned. Many of his records sold more than a million copies and from 1955 to 1960 he sold more records than anyone else, other than Elvis Presley. I think a little tribute to finish is in order. I was going to give you Blueberry Hill, but decided on this, slightly later, song instead. Ladeez and gennelum, please appreciate Fats’ version of the Beatles’ classic Lady Madonna.

Sod it, let’s have Blueberry Hill as well.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Friday 20 October 2017

Week 11 - The Grambler remembers Sean Hughes


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Are you grambling comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

Once upon a time there was a young woman called Cinderella. She was called that because she had to clean the fireplace and was covered in cinders. I’m guessing it wasn’t her real name. Unless she was covered in cinders at birth, in which case we should be questioning the location of her mother’s bed when little Cinderella was born. And hygeine. Were the midwife’s hands covered in soot? If so, why? What was she doing?

Anyway, let’s not dwell on it. For the purposes of this story, Cinderella it is.

Now, it so happens that Cinderella’s family were a cruel lot. She was basically locked in the cellar of the house and never got the chance to venture out. She must have had terrible vitamin D deficiency.

While she was having to clean out the fireplace in the cellar, her two older stepsisters... Did I mention that her dad had remarried? No? Well, he had... were swanning off down the shops buying lots of nice gear while Cinders wore rags. Well, why would she wear good clothes to clean out a fireplace. These sisters would then taunt poor Cinderella about her scruffy appearance. B*st*rds, thought Cinderella.

One day, her sisters came down into the cellar to taunt her about a special invitation.

‘We’ve been invited to the Prince’s Ball,’ said one.

‘But you can’t come, because its a family ticket valid for two adults and two other family members only,’ said the other.

‘And anyway, you’re not pretty enough,’ said the former, which was a bit rotten when you think of it; her sisters were all dolled up and Cinderella was covered in soot. Hardly a fair comparison. And, frankly, the sisters were no oil paintings. In any comparison of aesthetics, Cinderella would probably have won. Indeed, if she had the chance to dress the way they did, she might have been quite a stunner, truth be told.

Any road up, with a ‘MWAHAHA!’... that’s an evil laugh, by the way... the sisters left Cinders and headed off to the ball.

Poor Cinders. She was left alone in the house while the others were all off boogieing on down at the prince’s party. What was she to do? As she sat and wept self-pityingly, a small mouse emerged from a hole in the skirting board. It stopped and looked at Cinderella. She looked at the mouse and asked it if it could help her. The mouse didn’t answer. It was a mouse and this isn’t a Disney story. Instead, it went back into its hole and didn’t come back out.

Sod this for a game of soldiers, thought Cinderella, I’m not stopping here a minute longer. There was a small grating above the cellar, Cinderella often heard the sound of footsteps through it, so, she reasoned, if she shouted loudly enough, someone walking by might hear her. She got as close to the grating as she could and started screaming ‘Help!’ as loudly as possible.

Luckily for her, a policeman, PC Buttons, heard her cries and quickly mobilised the police special operations unit who stormed the house and freed Cinderella. Yay!

Her father was arrested and charged with illegal imprisonment and was jailed for a long long time.

Meanwhile, after quite a bit of counselling, Cinderella sold her story to the highest bidder, wrote her autobiography, sold the film rights, appeared on several chat shows and toured the land as a speaker at various clubs and events. Of course she couldn’t have done all this on her own so her manager, and husband, ex-cop Buttons, masterminded her moneyspinning career.

Wasn’t that a nice ending? Well, almost. You see PC Buttons was already married and had rather a large family. When he divorced the first Mrs Buttons to marry Cinders, Mrs Buttons was left penniless and with 16 children in tow and nowhere to live, she didn’t know what to do. She was so poor, they ended up living in a shoe... but that’s another story.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 21st of October? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1772 (Poet. Wrote Welcome to the Pleasuredome for Frankie Goes to Hollywood.), Alfred Nobel 1833 (Invented dynamite and then felt guilty about it.), Edna Purviance 1895 (Ectress. Was often in Charlie Chaplin films... and bed.), Georg Solti 1912 (Conductor. Not sure which route he was on.), Dizzy Gillespie 1917 (Trumpeter and hamster impressionist. A clip? Why not. Here’s Tin Tin Deo.), Malcolm Arnold 1921 (Composer. I say composer. If taking some traditional songs and doing them differently counts as composing, then he was a composer. What do you think?), Leonard Rossiter 1926 (Ectaw. Rigsby. That was him. And Reginald Perrin.), Shammi Kapoor 1931 (Bollywood window cleaner.), Geoff Boycott 1940 (Cricket’s answer to Mogadon.), Manfred Mann 1940 (Musician. Time for a clip? Here’s Manfred Mann's magnificent Moog. [Oh I say. - Ed.]), Steve Cropper 1941 (Geetarist with Stax ‘house band’ Booker T and the MGs. Time for a clip? Do you like sweet potatoes?), Tariq Ali 1943 (Writer, journalist, historian and political activist.), Mandy Rice-Davies 1944 (Model and ‘showgirl’ famously involved in the Profumo affair.), Eric Faulkner 1953 (A Bay City Roller. Another clip?  Tartan scarves at the ready.), Peter Mandelson 1953 (Politician. Wrote Fingal’s Cave. [Don’t think so. - Ed.]), Carrie Fisher 1956 (Ectress. Famous for strapping a bagel to each side of her head.), Julian Cope 1957 (Musician author, antiquarian, musicologist, poet and cultural commentator. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Here’s a hit from the early days with The Teardrop Explodes - Recompense.), Paul Ince 1967 (Footy bloke.), Kim Kardashian 1980 (Who?), Nemanja Vidic 1981 (Footy bloke.) and Keiran Richardson 1984 (Footy bloke.).

 
Dizzy Gillespie

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

I’ve received a letter...
Dear Mr Shambler,
I was always a great fan of Booker T. and the MGs and recall a few hits they had... Green Onions, Time is Tight, etc.. I believe one of their tracks was used as theme music to cricket coverage by the BBC. Can you tell me the name of that particular tune?
Yours sincerely,
Saul Limbo.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Well, time to get on with some grambling. How did The Grambler’s predictions for last week fare? Not too well. Oh, we won. If 69 pees is worth winning. What happened? Read on...
 
 
Brentford vs Millwall - Prediction Home win
Result - Brentford 1 Millwall 0
Yay!
A Romaine Sawyers goal helped Brentford earn victory at Griffin Park as Millwall missed a late penalty.
The Bees midfielder met Henrik Dalsgaard's pull-back with a close-range shot to beat Jordan Archer two minutes into the second half.
But, with 10 minutes remaining, after a trip in the box, Lee Gregory's spot-kick was saved by Daniel Bentley.
 
Fulham vs Preston - Prediction Home win
Result - Fulham 2 Preston 2
Ooh! ’It the bar!
The visitors were 2-0 up inside 25 minutes - Jordan Hugill tapping in Sean Maguire's cross before Tom Barkhuizen's effort deflected off Maguire and in.
Oliver Norwood halved the deficit with a penalty after Rui Fonte was fouled in the box by Calum Woods.
Norwood forced Chris Maxwell into a late save, but the keeper then dropped a long ball, allowing Denis Odoi to level.
 
Leeds vs Reading - Prediction Home win
Result - Leeds 0 Reading 1
Boo!
Modou Barrow put the Royals in front in the 85th minute.
Reading goalkeeper Vito Mannone saved an injury-time penalty from Pablo Hernandez after Samu Saiz was felled in the area.
 
Norwich vs Hull - Prediction Home win
Result - Norwich 1 Hull 1
Ooh! ’It the bar!
Nelson Oliveira headed an equaliser six minutes into injury time to rescue a point for Norwich City at home to 10-man Hull City.
The Tigers looked set for a first away win of the season when, from Markus Henriksen's through ball, Nouha Dicko went clear to tuck his first goal for the club past the advancing Angus Gunn.
Hull had David Meyler sent off on 57 minutes for a second bookable offence.
 
Sheffield Utd vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win
Result - Sheffield Utd 1 Ipswich 0
Yay!
Chris Basham's header four minutes after the interval was enough to give the Blades the points.
Martyn Waghorn came close to an immediate equaliser when he struck the crossbar from Tristan Nydam's pass.
Leon Clarke also hit the bar with an effort for the hosts.
 
So, a poor week for The Grambler there. Can he/she/it redeem him/her/itself this week? [Probably not. - Ed.] What has he/she/it picked?
Game - Result - Odds
Newcastle vs Crystal Palace - Prediction Home win - 10/11
Nottingham Forest vs Burton - Prediction Home win - 3/4
Wolves vs Preston - Prediction Home win - 4/5
Doncaster vs Walsall - Prediction Home win - 10/11
Coventry vs Colchester - Prediction Home win - 4/5
 
 
The Grambler’s love affair with the English Championship has ended. This week every English division gets a look in. No Scottish games though.
The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...
£10.85

 

Less whopping than last week.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you why Steve Heighway and Brian Hall were known as Big Bamber and Little Bamber in the Liverpool squad of the 1970s. The answer was that they both had university degrees. They were named ‘Bamber’ after Bamber Gascoigne, the question master on University Challenge.
One for this week? What country qualified for the 1982 World Cup having beaten England for the first time and prompted this famous partisan rant from a commentator? ‘Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana - we have beaten them all. Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me?’
 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
 
 
 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, it has been a sad week for British comedy with the passing of Sean Hughes. I was a big fan of Mr Hughes’ brand of comedy right from the early TV appearances and have to say that I thought Never Mind the Buzzcocks was never quite as enjoyable after he left it. I recall his own show from the early 90s called simply ‘Sean’s Show’. Indeed, I must have liked it a lot because I bought his book called... can you guess? Sean’s Book. The book is, sadly, no longer in my collection. It was probably lent to someone long ago. I do remember a section that made me snort my coffee. He was bemoaning the strict censorship he had to endure while working on Sean’s Show. He was pulled up by the producers every time he said any words which they considered unacceptable and told to remove anything they considered offensive. As he tried to record the show, he felt that every gag was being spoiled by their intervention. Eventually, he becomes quite exasperated and pleads with them, ‘Is it okay to say ‘Screw you’?’ The producers consider this and one says, ‘Yes I think that is all right.’ Sean says, ’Good. Screw you!’ Well, I liked it.
That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com
 
Happy grambling.

 

Thursday 12 October 2017

Week 10 - The Grambler with a touch of Ralph Lauren


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

There was a news item on today about people paying too much for their gas and electric bills because they don’t switch to a cheaper tariff to pay their bills. They were bemoaning the fact that the bills were really quite hefty. The reporter asked them why on earth they hadn’t switched and I thought, hold on a minute, why the f*** should they. Why do energy suppliers get away with charging different rates for the same product? Do you know what electricity and gas suppliers, wouldn’t life be a lot simpler if you just charged everybody the same rate? Other businesses don’t pull that trick...

‘Can I pay for my petrol?’

‘The petrol you’ve just put in your car?’

‘That’s right. Yes. The petrol I’ve just put in my car.’

‘Do you know that is a very expensive way to buy petrol. Why don’t you sign up to pay a fixed monthly amount for the next two years and if the price of fuel goes up, your payments won’t.’

‘And if the price comes down, as it has in recent years?’

‘Erm... tough sh*t.’

So well done Saint Nicola of Sturgeon for advocating that a supplier of cheaper energy should be set up so that everyone pays the same, low, rate. It would be like nationalising the industry. Can’t think why nobody has come up with the idea before now. Erm...

Of course, you have already noted the point I am making; it has been done before. After the Second World War, the Labour government took the bold step of nationalising many industries - coal mining, steel production, the railways and, of course, gas and electricity supplies among others. It cost a lot of dosh to buy out all the private companies of the time but the industries I’ve listed then became the property of the electorate; the people. Yay!

Things didn’t run as smoothly as hoped, perhaps - too much power to the unions maybe, too many strikes - so when the majority Conservative government led by one Margaret Thatcher announced that these nationalised industries would be privatised, there was not enough opposition to prevent it happening. The government made it look like a great idea by allowing us, the general public, to buy shares in the new privatised companies (although the majority of the shares would go to business ‘investors’)... Basically we were being asked to shell out to buy a little slice of those companies which we already owned. The government was selling off what wasn’t theirs to sell.

A labour MP of the time likened it to selling off the family silver. How right they were. How many companies that were de-nationalised are still even owned by British businesses? How many are even in existence?

So I say, well done Nicola. To my mind, it is only a start. In my ideal world, all such industries should be nationalised. Any industry that is providing a necessary service should not be profited from. Water, gas, electricity, public transport, telephones, health care, even basic food items should be available to all at low cost. Nobody involved in any of these industries should be allowed to amass great wealth. Maybe my socialist ideals don’t sit too well in the 21st century where ‘make money’ is the mantra of all businessmen, but I don’t care.

Whatever happened to the caring society? [Whatever happened to the Likely Lads, surely. - Ed.] Don’t call me Shirley.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 14th of October? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Eamon de Valera 1882 (Irish rebel/president.), Dwight D. Eisenhower 1890 (The well-known president. Known as Ike. Later had hits with Tina Turner.), Lillian Gish 1893 (Actress and rhyming slang.), E. E. Cummings 1894 (Racist poet. I’d give you some examples, but as they contain words such as n*gg*r and k*k*, I thought it best not to.), Allan Jones 1907 (Jack’s dad. Also a chanter. Want a clip? Here’s RCA Victor’s third highest-selling single ever.), Roger Moore 1927 (Tree.), Ralph Lauren 1939 (Deodorant and shirt salesman.), Perrie Mons 1940 (Snookery bloke.), Cliff Richard 1940 (Peterpantastic!), Christopher Timothy 1940 (Ectaw. In a long and varied career, Timothy is still best known for portraying vet James Herriot and having to stick his arm up a cow’s [Enough! - Ed.].), Roger Taylor 1941 (Tennisy bloke who later found fame as Queen’s drummer [Some mistake, surely. - Ed.].), Lesley Joseph 1945 (Ectress. Played the neighbour in Birds of a Feather. Erm, that’s it.), Justin Hayward 1946 (A Moody Blue. Time for a clip? Here’s Question, originally planned as two different songs.  Can you spot the join?), Dan McCafferty 1946 (Singer from Nazereth. Not the place. The group. From Dunfermline. Nowhere near the Middle East. Yes. A clip? All together now.  Look out the left the captain said...), Katy Manning 1946 (Ectress. Played Jo Grant in Doctor Who. Erm, that’s it.), Joey Travolta 1950 (John’s less fortunate brother.), Thomas Dolby 1958 (Musician. Time for another clip. Here’s Flying North.), Steve Cram 1960 (Athlete and now TV presenter.), Steve Coogan 1965 (Aka Alan Partridge, Paul Calf, Pauline Calf, Tommy Saxondale, Duncan Thicket, Ernest Eckler and Tony Ferrino.), Jason Plato 1967 (Racey car bloke and now TV presenter.), Matt Le Tissier 1968 (Footy bloke and now TV presenter.) and Paul Hunter 1978 (Snookery bloke.).
 
'Ready for our scene, Mr Timothy.'
 

 

.....oooOooo.....
 

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mr Gumboil,

You include in this week’s edition of thegrambler.com [I thought you said it was a letter. How did this get in before the blog even got published? Something funny going on, if you ask me. - Ed.] a clip from The Firefly with Allan Jones singing The Donkey Serenade.  We are four really big fans and we know that he starred in a couple of Marx Brothers films, but can't remember which ones.  Can you help?

Yours ever lovingly,

A. Knight, R. T. Oprah, A. Day, Arthur Aces.

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Well, time to get on with some grambling. How did The Grambler’s predictions for last week fare? Not bad. We actually won some money. £4.39. Almost double. Brill! What happened? Read on...

 

Doncaster vs Southend - Prediction Home win

Result - Doncaster 4 Southend 1

Yay!

Ben Whiteman scored a 10-minute hat-trick to help Doncaster come from behind to beat Southend.

Southend took the lead when Anthony Wordsworth headed home after Niall Mason cleared off the line for Doncaster.

Wordsworth was arguably lucky to still be on the pitch after appearing to kick out at Jordan Houghton off the ball earlier in the half.

Doncaster hit back in first-half stoppage time when John ‘Mary’ Marquis poked home from close range after excellent work from Tommy ‘Dizzy’ Rowe.

And that equaliser laid the groundwork for Whiteman's second-half heroics.

He scored his first after 47 minutes when he fired in after a James Coppinger free-kick hit the bar.

He then extended the lead with a stunning volley from just outside the area.

By 57 minutes, Whiteman had his hat-trick when he fired home from the penalty spot after Michael Timlin fouled Alfie May.

Southend captain Anton Ferdinand was sent off after the final whistle for dissent, compounding a bad day for his side.

 

Cheltenham vs Swindon - Prediction Home win

Result - Cheltenham 2 Swindon 1

Yay!

The hosts took the lead after 20 minutes when Harry Pell broke down the right wing before crossing for Brian Graham to slot home from close range.

Swindon were deservedly level eight minutes into the second half when Matt Taylor's free-kick found the head of centre-half Matt Preston to nod home.

A minute later Cheltenham's Joe Morrell was adjudged to have been brought down by James Dunne inside the box.

Substitute Danny Wright stepped up to take the penalty with his first touch of the game, only to be denied by Reice Charles-Cook in the Swindon goal.

Then, in the fourth minute of time added on, a Morrell free-kick was flicked on by Pell for striker Wright to rifle home the winner.

 

Lincoln vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win

Result - Lincoln 2 Chesterfield 1

Yay!

Michael Bostwick gave City the lead when his shot took a huge deflection off Bradley Barry and spun beyond wrong-footed keeper Joe Anyon.

The Imps doubled their lead on 25 minutes and again a Spireites player had the final touch as Andy ‘Les’ Kellett inadvertently drilled Harry Anderson's cross into his own net.

Chesterfield pulled a goal back with eight minutes left. After Anderson was adjudged to have brought down Barry in the box, substitute Kristian Dennis netted from the spot.

 

Newport County vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win

Result - Newport 2 Yeovil 0

Yay!

Newport’s Josh Labadie scooped a shot over from six yards before Padraig Amond headed home a corner just before half-time.

Skipper Labadie hit the bar early in the second period before he finally headed home a corner on 55 minutes.

 

Notts County vs Forest Green - Prediction Home win

Result - Notts County 1 Forest Green 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Rob Milsom's stoppage-time header preserved Notts County's unbeaten home record as they were held to a draw by Forest Green at Meadow Lane.

The Magpies midfielder met Matt Tootle's cross to power a header past Sam Russell which cancelled out Omar Bugiel's first-half opener for the visitors.

How close was that to a full house! Come on Grambler, give us some good predictions this week...

Game - Result - Odds

Brentford vs Millwall - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Fulham vs Preston - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Leeds vs Reading - Prediction Home win - 17/20

Norwich vs Hull - Prediction Home win - 19/20

Sheffield Utd vs Ipswich - Prediction Home win - 3/4

 

Oh dear, The Grambler’s love affair with the English Championship continues. All five predictions are from that division.

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£11.54

 

Hmm... Almost exactly as whopping as last week..

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last week I asked you who is the only player to have played in three World Cup Finals. The answer is Marcos Evangelista de Morais, better known as Brazilian defender Cafu. He actually represented his country in four World Cups between 1994 and 2006 and is Brazil’s most capped player with 142 appearances.

One for this week? In the Liverpool dressing room of the 1970s, why were Steve Heighway and Brian Hall known as Big Bamber and Little Bamber? Stop sniggering at the back.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign
 
 
 

…..oooOooo…..
 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, I am indebted to a Mr T. Ferrino and Miss B. Guomundsdottir for our finishing item. Was it really 20 years ago that this was on Comic Relief?

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.

 

Saturday 7 October 2017

Week 9 - The Grambler remembers Tom Petty


Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Similarly, if you haven’t heard it, please listen to Geraldine’s moving radio interview which was on Radio Scotland recently.


Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy

 

Arlene, Bret, Cindy, Don, Emily, Franklin, Gert, Harvey, Irma, Jose, Katia, Lee, Maria, Nate, Ophelia, Philippe, Rina, Sean, Tammy, Vince and Whitney.

Nice, if slightly American, names, I am sure you will agree. Those of you who follow the weather will be aware that this is a list of names chosen for any hurricanes that have occurred, or are likely to occur, in 2017.

Next year we will no doubt be cowering and protecting ourselves from Alberto, Beryl, Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Florence, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie, Michael, Nadine, Oscar, Patty, Rafael, Sara, Tony, Valerie and William. Don’t know why Quentin and Ursula don’t get a look in. I’m not sure why anyone ever thought it a good idea to name foul weather with such names, but surely they should have been giving them more appropriate ones... Arrgh my house just blew away, Bloody Hell where did that come from, Crikey what was that, Damn that was close and Effing run for cover might better fit the bill.

The weather has been shocking this year, hasn’t it? I mean worldwide, not just in Polomint City where winter seemed to segue straight into autumn.

Why am I talking about the weather? Well, I suppose it relates, in a way, with my last (g)ramble concerning the non-prediction of the world’s end.

All creatures, bar one, live their lives the same way; they are born, they feed, breed and die. That’s it. Only one species can’t grasp that that is what life is about. Us. Man. We are supposed to be the smartest and most evolved animals on this planet, but when you see the crazy mess we are making of it, that is clearly not true.

So what is my point about the weather? We see the Earth as a large rock with some wet bits; we do not see it as being alive, the same as we are. Here’s a thought: what if the planet we live on is actually a living thing and we are a cancer on its surface? Interesting thought? Like any cancer, we are trying to destroy our host and like any living creature, the Earth is trying to ward off the disease. Hence the terrible weather. The hurricanes (and earthquakes too) we have witnessed this year are all, in my ill-informed blog writer’s opinion, the planet fighting back.

It has happened in the past. Floods, fires and ice ages have come and gone and the Earth has beaten them all. Its eco-systems may have changed, but it has always survived such ‘disasters’.

As I have mentioned in the past, this world would be a better place if man just ceased to exist. One day, that may happen. Indeed, when you watch the posturing of certain world leaders, that day might be sooner than we would want. But whatever happens, there will be no end of the world as predicted by Nostrodamus and his ilk; just an end to the stupidest creature ever to inhabit it.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Were any famous or notorious people born on the 7th of October? Of course. Here are some I’ve even heard of. Heinrich Himmler 1900 (Has something similar.), Andy Devine 1905 (American actor. Made over 400 films. Always seemed to play comedy sidekick roles. Friar Tuck in Disney’s Robin Hood.), Vaughn Monroe 1911 (Bandleader and chanter. Here is this week’s first clip... his theme song Racing with the Moon.), Peter Walker 1912 (Racey car bloke.), June Allyson 1917 (Actress. Married to Glenn Miller, or was it James Stewart?), Al Martino 1927 (Singer and actor. Has the distinction of having the number one record in the first ever UK Singles Chart published by NME in 1952. Here is our second clip of the week; that very toon.), Desmond Tutu 1931 (Smiley bishop.), Michael Hurll 1936 (TV producer. Took charge of the Two Ronnies.), Christopher Booker 1937 (Journalist. Original editor of Private Eye.), Ann Jones 1938 (Tennisy bloke.), Clive James 1939 (Oz’s greatest wit.), Oliver North 1943 (Remember him?), Kevin Godley 1945 (A Hotleg and two and a half cc. After 10CC worked with Lol Creme and latterly has produced music videos for a multitude of acts. Time for a clip, methinks. Hotlegs? 10CC? No, I think something from Godley and Creme. And not one of the hits. Here is something a little bit quirky. Listen out for Paul Gramblercini as the bad samaritan.), John Mellencamp 1951 (Aka Johnny Cougar, John Cougar and John Cougar Mellencamp. Singer. Here’s his biggest UK hit.), Vladimir Putin 1952 (See main text: World leaders, posturing.), Yo-Yo Ma 1955 (Cellist. Want a clip? Here’s a little piece you might recognise.), Jayne Torvill 1957 (Skatey bloke.), Simon Bowel 1959 (Promoter. I won’t say what of.), Sam Brown 1964 (Joe’s lass. Here’s her biggest hit.), Toni Braxton 1967 (Singer, songwriter, pianist, record producer, actress, television personality, and philanthropist. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Another clip? Here’s Breathe Again.), Thom Yorke 1968 (A head of radio, or something. Another clip? Here’s an oldie.), Sami Hyypia 1973 (Footy bloke.), Tim Minchin 1975 (Comedian.), Zaheer Khan 1978 (Crickety bloke.), Madjid Bougherra 1982 (Footy bloke.), Jermain Defoe 1982 (Footy bloke.), Gunnar Nielsen 1986 (Footy bloke. What do you mean you’ve never heard of him? He played 19 games for Motherwell.) and Diego da Silva Costa 1988 (Footy bloke.).
 
Triar... Sorry, old gag... Friar Tuck
 

.....oooOooo.....
 

 

Well, time to get on with some grambling. How did The Grambler’s predictions for two week’s ago fare? Not great. We won all of 60 pees so actually lost £1.60. I shan’t bore you with the details; let’s get on with this week’s bet without further ado...

 

Game - Result - Odds

Doncaster vs Southend - Prediction Home win - 21/20

Cheltenham vs Swindon - Prediction Home win - 6/5

Lincoln vs Chesterfield - Prediction Home win - 8/13

Newport County vs Yeovil - Prediction Home win - 4/5

Notts County vs Forest Green - Prediction Home win - 8/11

 

The bets have been placed (10 x 20 pee doubles plus 1 x 20 pee accumulator) and if they all go according to The Grambler’s Prediction, the Bobby Moore Fund stands to receive a whopping...

£11.56

 

Reasonably whopping, I think.

 

 

.....oooOooo.....

 

Teaser time. Yay! Last time I asked you which Scottish international winger of the 1980s and 90s wrote an occasional column for New Musical Express. The answer was former Motherwell man, now a football pundit and sometime deejay Pat Nevin.

One for this week? It is World Cup qualifying games weekend (hence all this week’s predictions coming from the lower English leagues) so a World Cup related question might be apt. Who is the only player to have played in three World Cup Finals? Hmm... Try that one out down the pub.

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

As usual, let’s finish with a mention of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

 

…..oooOooo…..

 

And finally, Cyril? And finally Esther, a sad ending to this week’s (g)ramble. On Monday, it was announced that Heartbreaker leader and Travelling Wilbury, Tom Petty had passed away. Though never an out and out fan, I always enjoyed his music so I feel it is appropriate to end with a song that, strangely, was never a hit in Britain but reached the top ten in the US, Canada and (of all places) New Zealand. Ladeez and genullum, I give you the rather lovely Free Fallin'.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com

 

Happy grambling.