The Grambler: October 2021

Friday 29 October 2021

Post 426 - A grambling hallow-bee-n

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Stewart was an amazing person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and is missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good. We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer. If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

If you haven’t already done so, please read the article which appeared in the Daily Record and learn from Stewart’s story that you must never be complacent. It makes grim reading for us, his family, even though we were beside him throughout his ordeal, or battle; call it what you will. http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/heartbroken-widow-geraldine-smith-raises-3452997

Stewart began writing The Grambler when he was between procedures and hoping for some form of recovery. He loved all aspects of football and was a lifelong Motherwell supporter. His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige. Read on and enjoy…

Story time...

You have probably read on these rants that I often play a game of Words with Friends on my phone. Do you remember? You do. You've perhaps forgotten. It's like scrabble. Scrabble. The word game. A bit like a crossword. No I'm not angry with you. Crossword. It's a word game. What? Yes... a bit like scrabble. Jeez!

Any road up, between turns, I get treated to some form of advertising. So I'm too mean to upgrade to the ad free version... what of it? Some of these ads are for other games you can 'purchase'. Most of them seem to be based on Tetris, though nowhere near as clever. Other times, the adverts are for businesses and it's one of these that has caught my ire this week.

It is an ad for a company that specialises in vegetarian food. The premise is that a well known chef... though I've never heard of him... dons a blindfold and samples the vegetarian meal laid on the table in front of him. The ad makes out that he believes that the food he is eating... veggie sausages and hamburgers; that sort of crap... is actually meat. The outcome is that he takes his blindfold off to find out that he has been eating veggie food. I haven't got a clue what he says at this point; I think I was too busy laughing at the whole conceit. Perhaps he says, 'Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs.' Unless he was trained by Gordon Ramsay, in which case, he's more likely to say, 'F****** veggie sausages! F*** me!'

Anyway, why would I be laughing at this ad? Well, he's supposed to be wearing a blindfold, but he can cut his food up without any problem. If I tried that, the sausage would probably end up on the floor somewhere. And why does he need to be blindfolded? After all, when he removes the blindfold there is still no indication that the food he has been enjoying is veggie... it still looks like meat.

I understand the point being made, but the ad can surely convey the message that veggie food is so like meat dishes without such an unbelievable 'plot'.

Moving on to another, almost related, topic. I have a question. About vegans. Yes, them. Why do vegans eat food that is made to resemble meat? Although many have to stick to a plant-based diet due to medical advice, many vegans tend to adopt their food regime because they abhor the thought of injury to animals. Indeed, it angers them so much that they won't even eat honey because it utilises the services of bees. Sorry pardon excuse me? Obviously, the bees haven't consented to having some twonk wearing a net curtain over his head coming along and substituting the result of their hard work for half a pound of Tate and Lyle's granulated, so vegans consider this to be exploitation of animals.

I don't agree with that. Bees make honey. It's what they do. They are making a substance to feed them through the winter. If someone were to give them a substitute prior to them producing the stuff, they probably wouldn't make the effort. Indeed, there is some evidence to back this up. We talk about being busy as a bee, but research has found that they can be quite lazy if the effort is not required. Seriously. Bee keepers discovered that bees from a hive that was situated too near to a food factory which had a lot of sugary waste material didn't even bother with that business of flying miles and pollinating plants in the process of collecting nectar, they just dipped into the factory waste and made honey from that. How did researchers come to that conclusion? Well, the sugary waste had a particularly lurid hue and the resulting honey was similarly colourful. The hive owners decreed it to be unusable and therefore totally wasted.

Totally wasted? I don't think so. One up to the bees, I say. They got to keep their honey didn't they?

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 30th of October? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

George II 1683 - The well-known king.

Preston Lockwood 1912 - Actor. Vicar Pottle in The Vicar of Dibley. Blink and you missed him; he died to make way for Dawn French’s character.

Anna Wing 1914 - Actress. Lou Beale in Eastenders. Her.

Norman Bird 1920 - Jobbing actor. Often played ‘nameless’ characters such as Landlord, Constable, Hotel manager, Gravedigger, Auctioneer, Post office man, Landlord (again), Dad, Agency man, Vet, Vicar, Farmer, Dad (again), Office manager, Town clerk, Mayor, Man on bus, etc. etc... 192 credits on IMDb.

Dickie Henderson 1922 - Entertainer.

David Lloyd Meredith 1933 - Actor. Sgt./Det. Sgt./Det. Insp. Evans in Z Cars. Him.

Michael Winner 1935 - Calm down dear, he’s a film director.

Harvey Goldstein 1939 - Statistician.

Bob Wilson 1941 - Footy bloke.

Richard Morant 1945 - Actor. Flashman in Tom Brown’s Schooldays. Him.

Ian McGeechan 1946 - Rugby guy.

Chris Slade 1946 - Drummy bloke. Sometime member of AC/DC. Believe it or not, he can be heard on Tom Jones Green, Green Grass of Home.

Juliet Stevenson 1956 - Actress. Paula Paxton in Bend It Like Beckham. Her.

Kim Thomson 1959 - Actress. Faye Lamb in Emmerdale. Her.

John Alford 1971 - Actor and singer. Billy Ray in London’s Burning which led to a brief singing career beginning with this apt toon... Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.

Emma Tate 1971 - Voice actress. Provided various Bob the Builder characters with their voices.

Jessica Hynes 1972 - Actress, director and writer. Yvonne in Shaun of the Dead. Her.

Simon Lowe 1973 - Actor. Tim Sibley in Bodies. Him.

Claudia Jessie 1989 - Actor. Eloise Bridgerton in Bridgerton. Her.

Vanessa White 1989 - A Saturday. A clip? Yes indeed. Here’s Forever Is Over.

Ashley Barnes 1989 - Footy bloke.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Dickie Gramblerson,

We really enjoyed listening to The Saturdays’ Forever Is Over song. We have a question for you. What was The Saturdays’ first top ten hit?

Sincerely yours,

F. Diss, S. Love.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? From our £2.20 stake, we won... £1.84. Oh, 36 pees down. What happened? Read on...

Blackburn vs Reading - Home win

Result - Blackburn 2 Reading 0

Yay!

The Royals failed to take early chances for Baba ‘O’Reilly’ Rahman and Andy ‘Cheese’ Yiadom, while Sam ‘Bernard’ Gallagher struck the woodwork in a goalless first half.

Gallagher did find the net in the second period, tucking away Joe ‘Alan’ Rothwell's ball in just after the hour mark, having also forced a brave stop from Luke ‘Listen’ Southwood minutes before.

Tyrhys ‘Roland’ Dolan's curler three minutes later doubled the lead and gave Rovers some breathing space.

George ‘Ferenc’ Puscas forced a last-ditch challenge from Blackburn's defensive cover as Reading poured forward, while Ian ‘Padre’ Poveda was unlucky not to add a third late on when he fired wide on the counter-attack.

Gallagher led the line and might have scored more than once, while the wily Dolan also went close to a second after haring into the box shortly after his goal.

Bournemouth vs Huddersfield - Home win

Result - Bournemouth 3 Huddersfield 0

Yay!

Dominic ‘Skinny’ Solanke scored twice to help give Bournemouth a thumping victory over Huddersfield Town.

Solanke's first came after just two minutes as he picked himself up after a foul in the box to send Lee ‘Dandy’ Nicholls the wrong way from the spot, and rattled home his second after Philip ‘Top’ Billing knocked down a Ryan ‘Tony’ Christie cross.

Huddersfield showed flashes in attack through the lively Sorba ‘Dylan’ Thomas and Josh ‘Stella’ Koroma, but Bournemouth ruthlessly put the game to bed when Lloyd ‘Ned’ Kelly headed in a teasing Christie delivery midway through the second half.

Koroma hit the crossbar with a fierce effort late on, but Danny ‘Way’ Ward's attempt to force the rebound in was ruled out for offside as Town were kept scoreless.

Coventry vs Derby - Home win

Result - Coventry 1 Derby 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

The Sky Blues dominated the first half and went in at the break in front after Matt ‘Finish’ Godden's penalty.

But Derby improved in the second half and hit the post through Colin ‘Allcars’ Kazim-Richards, before Gustavo ‘Emcee’ Hamer hit the bar at the other end.

The Rams got a point when Graeme ‘Ankle’ Shinnie brought down a loose ball inside the box and lashed home.

Luton vs Hull - Home win

Result - Luton 1 Hull 0

Yay!

Elijah ‘Wood’ Adebayo headed in to put the hosts in front at Kenilworth Road but had to come off at half-time through injury.

Glen ‘Chris’ Rea almost doubled the lead from just outside the box before the break, but his low shot was well saved by Matt ‘Rex’ Ingram, while Luke ‘Chuck’ Berry's deflected strike hit the post with the game goalless.

Hull rarely threatened home goalkeeper Simon ‘Dee’ Sluga, with only one of their 10 efforts on target.

Although Hull failed to seriously test Sluga they did waste a glorious opportunity to equalise in the second half when Tom ‘Gargoyle’ Eaves tried to find a team-mate rather than shoot with Sluga out of his goal.

Peterborough vs QPR - Away win

Result - Peterborough 2 QPR 1

Boo!

Ilias ‘High’ Chair put QPR ahead directly from a corner early in the second half, only for Harrison ‘Rabbit’ Burrows to score Posh's equaliser.

The home side created the better chances and finally gained their reward a minute into added time when Siriki ‘Ring’ Dembele squeezed his finish past Seny ‘Help’ Dieng.

Oh well, can’t win them all. [I think you are confusing ‘them all’ with ‘any’. - Ed.]

Game - Result - Odds

Reading vs Bournemouth - Away win - 8/11

Oxford vs Morecambe - Home win - 4/7

Harrogate vs Bristol - Home win - 5/6

Newport vs Stevenage - Home win - 19/20

Sutton vs Walsall - Home win - 10/11

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.58

Six pees less whopping than last week.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in Stuttgart in 1967. I am 6’ 4” tall. I joined Mainz in 1990 and made 325 appearances between then and my retirement in 2001. I originally played as a striker but later in my career moved to defence. On retirement, I took on the task of managing the team. I remained there until 2008 when I moved on to manage Borussia Dortmund. In 2015 I moved to an English club.

Answer - Jurgen Klopp

2. Which club has been managed by Brian Clough and Jimmy Armfield?

Answer - Leeds United

3. Who scored Scotland’s only goal in the 1986 World Cup Finals in Mexico?

Answer - Gordon Strachan

4. With which club did manager Bob Stokoe lift the FA Cup?

Answer - Sunderland

5. Which club plays at Turf Moor?

Answer - Burnley

How did you do? Okay? Here are five to get you thinking this week.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1957 in Hayes, Middlesex. I played as a midfielder for Spurs and Monaco before moving to Swindon Town and then Chelsea as player/manager. I won 53 England caps. After Chelsea, I managed the national side, but was sacked for un-pc comments regarding disabled people.

2. Newcastle play at St James’ Park, but which English club plays at St James Park?

3. Which German club did Kevin Keegan play for?

4. 20 years ago, which player was transferred from Juventus to Real Madrid for a world record fee of 150 billion Italian lire (£46.5 million)?

5. Name all the clubs with ‘County’ in their name that have played in the Football League (from 1888 to date).

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

As usual (at the risk of repeating myself), I remind you of the main reason for continuing to publish this blog – to raise awareness about bowel cancer. If you have any bowel problems, don’t be fobbed off with the line that you are too young for bowel cancer to be a consideration. Just point your doctor in the direction of http://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/campaigns-policy/latest-campaigns/never-too-young-campaign

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link. The amount raised is a little out of date, though. Check the Justgiving page link given at the beginning of this blog to see the current figure.

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. B. Warner of Canton, Ohio who provides us with this week’s finishing item. Who is Mr. Warner, I hear you ask. Perhaps you know Brian Warner by his stage name, Marilyn Manson. You may also be wondering at the choice of him to end this week’s edition of the world’s greatest ill-informed blog. Well, think of the date. What happens this weekend? Yes, you at the back. Correct. It’s halloween or hallowe’en which is short for All Hallows evening, a time to celebrate the dead.

Of course, it has now been commercialised beyond all recognition. Nowadays, the shops are full of costumes and all witchy and zombie type gear for kids to dress up in to go guising. That is the Scottish term for going around the houses and performing a little song. None of this trick or treating nonsense. [I think you will find that the term trick or treat did, actually, originate in Scotland; the trick being the performing of a song and the treat being the reward given. - Ed.] Blibbing know all. Anyway, what happened to making your own costume, that’s what I want to know. In days gone by, black bin bag sales must have tripled at this time of year. And you didn’t just tell a joke as kids seem to want to do these days; you had to sing something. And what’s with pumpkins? It was a turnip lamp you made back then. Pumpkins indeed. Another American import. [Have you quite finished? - Ed.] I think so. [Then perhaps you would explain the Marilyn Manson connection. - Ed.]

Oh yes. Him. Well, he’s a scary looking bloke at the best of times. His whole persona seems to convey the scariness of Halloween, so it is perhaps not surprising that he should sing this song from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Ladeez and genellum, I give you Marilyn Manson singing This is Halloween... Mwaa ha ha harrr! (in my best Vincent Price voice)

That Marilyn Manson’s let himself go a bit.

That’s all for this week folks, but remember you can read the musings of The Grambler every week (well, most weeks) by going to the blog at www.thegrambler.com where you can also catch up on any previous editions you may have missed.

Happy grambling.

Saturday 23 October 2021

Post 425 - A forgetful gramble

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

Just a short (g)ramble this week and it concerns the world of ageing and memory loss. More specifically, my own memory loss...

I am at that age where I find that I am becoming ever more forgetful. Not only do I forget what I went upstairs for, I go downstairs in order to work out why I was up there and completely forget why I came downstairs.

Names are a particular nuisance. I’ll be watching something on TV when I spot a familiar face. What’s she been in, I’ll ask Mrs G. Who, she responds. Her... thingy. What’s her name? Her; the one playing... oh, what’s the name of her character?

Of course, you can bet that I will lie in bed that night wide awake, not only trying to work out the name of this particular actress, but also thinking what production I had previously seen her in and, indeed, what character she had been playing in the programme I had watched that very night... the name of which escapes me.

Half way through the night, I will sit bolt upright and shout out, ‘Kelly Mulligan!’ much to Mrs G’s annoyance, not just because I had woken her up, but because I had still got the wrong name entirely and mixed up the names of two actresses in the process.

I also forget where I put things. I know everyone does that, but the instance I am about to relate must surely take the biscuit for utter stupidity. On a recent occasion, I was leaving the house and couldn’t find the key to lock up. I looked everywhere I could think of... drawers, trouser and coat pockets all got thoroughly searched, probably several times over. Up the stairs I went. Down the stairs. Up again. Down again. Eventually, I was at a loss as to where the key had got to and was removing my coat, because I obviously couldn’t go out without locking the house. It was then that I found the missing key. Where? In my left hand.

Oh dear. Can it get any worse than that? Of course it can. The other day, thanks to lockdown restrictions easing, I was meeting a friend for a coffee. We took our coats off and sat at a table waiting to be served. It was then that my friend noticed something...

‘Why have you got a dessert spoon in your shirt pocket?’

I looked down and I had, indeed, got a spoon in my pocket.

‘Oh dear. You know what that means don’t you?’ I said.

‘You’re losing your marbles?’ he offered, trying to be helpful.

‘No. My pen’s in the dishwasher.’

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 9th of October? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Alastair Sim 1900 - Actor. The best Ebeneezer Scrooge, ever.

Quintin Hogg 1907 - Politician. Not a real pig.

Alan Breeze 1909 - Singer.

Donald Coggan 1909 - The well-known Archbishop of Canterbury.

John Panton 1916 - Golfy bloke.

Donald Sinden 1923 - Ectaw dear leddie.

John Crossthwaite 1925 - Car chassis engineer.

Joseph Brady 1928 - Actor.

Tony Booth 1931 - Actor. Mike in Till Death Us Do Part. Him.

Bill Tidy 1933 - Cartoonist.

Prince Edward, Duke of Kent 1935 - The well-known duke.

Brian Blessed 1935 - Actor... louder... ACTOR... louder... ACTOR. Better.

John Lennon 1940 - Musician. Had a hit or two. A clip? I suppose so. Here’s a real oldie where John wants to hold your hand.

John Entwistle aka The Ox 1944 - Musician. Bassist with the ’Oo. Have a clip. All together now... People try to put us down...

Robin Stewart 1946 - Actor. Mike in Bless This House. Him. Not a real robin.

Joe Wark 1947 - Fitba guy.

Roddy Llewellyn 1947 - Posh bloke.

Rod Temperton 1949 - Musician. He was famous for writing a few songs, but began his career as writer and keyboard player for Heatwave. Shall we have a clip? How about some Boogie Nights?

Sharon Osborne 1952 - Celebrity wife of Ozzy.

Steve Ovett 1955 - Runny bloke.

David Cameron 1966 - Ex Prime Minister who foolishly thought the British public could decide that Brexit was not a good idea. Will he be remembered for that, though? Doubt it. Oink!

Mat Osman 1967 - Suede bassist and brother of Richard. A clip? I don’t see why not. Here’s some Trash. That was their first number one... only in Finland, though.

Toby Jepson 1967 - Musician. Lead singer with Little Angels and, later, Gun. I think a clip is in order. Here’s an 80s-style bit of film featuring some big hair to accompany 90 In The Shade.

James Dreyfus 1968 - Actor. Played the less butch one in Gimme Gimme Gimme. Tom. Him. [Hang on. I thought the other one was Kathy Burke... Oh, I see what you mean. - Ed.]

PJ Harvey 1969 - Singer-songwriter. Let’s Get Ready to Rumble. With Duncan. That was her, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? Which is she? Ant or Dec? All right, I know she’s not a cheeky Geordie TV presenter. Would you like a clip? Shame.

Steve McQueen 1969 - Film director... not the bloke who drove the Ford Mustang in Bullitt.

Sian Evans 1971 - Singer. Here she is fronting Kosheen with It's All In My Head.

Joe McFadden 1975 - Actor. Raffaello Di Lucca in Holby City. Him.

Leon Pryce 1981 - Rugby bloke.

Lydia Rose Bewley - Actress. Jane in The Inbetweeners Movie and The Inbetweeners 2. Her.

Ross McKinnon 1992 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell player you know.

Olly Stone 1993 - Crickety bloke.

Louis Hynes 2001 - Actor. Vlad in The Great. Him.

What about any famous folk born on the 16th of October?

James II of Scotland 1430 - The well-known king.

Robert Stephenson 1803 - Railway engineer.

Walter Clopton Wingfield 1833 - Who? Oh, the inventor of modern lawn tennis.

Thomas Humber 1841 - Engineer and cycle manufacturer.

Oscar Wilde 1854 - The well-known writer and wit.

William Beardmore 1856 - Founder of William Beardmore & Co.

Austen Chamberlain 1863 - Politician. Half-brother of Neville.

Michael Collins 1890 - Irish revolutionary leader, not the bloke who drove Apollo 11.

Reginald Dixon 1904 - Organist at the Tower Ballroom in Blackpool. Here’s a little film from 1926 showing Blackpool’s Pleasure Beach; Reginald’s playing has been added. All together now... Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside...

Robert Urquhart 1921 - Actor. Henry Forbes in The Plane Makers. Him. Ask your dad.

Max Bygraves 1922 - Unfeasably popular entertainer. Here he sings Out of Town. [Not far enough out of town for my liking. - Ed.]

Bill McLaren 1923 - Rugby commentator.

Angela Lansbury 1925 - Actress and singer. Here she is singing Beauty and the Beast... aged 90.

Lee Montague 1927 - Actor. Factoid. He has the distinction of being the very first storyteller on the Beeb’s long-running children’s programme, Jackanory.

Ivor Allchurch 1929 - Pêl-droediwr.

Peter Bowles 1936 - Actor. Duke of Wellington in Victoria. Him.

Emil Ford 1937 - Musician. Here’s his chart topper from 1959, What Do You Want to Make Those Eyes at Me For. [I’m not even looking at you! - Ed.]

Simon Ward 1941 - Actor. Winston Churchill in Young Winston. Him.

Tommy Gemmell 1943 - Fitba guy.

Dave Hill 1945 - Actor. Currently playing Bert Chapman in All Creatures Great and Small. And, no, he never played guitar with Slade.

Terry Griffiths 1947 - Chwaraewr snwcer.

Nicholas Day 1947 - Actor. Played Jim Prior in The Crown.

Noreen Kershaw 1950 - Actress and director. Phyllis Dobbs in Life On Mars.

Brinsley Forde 1953 - Actor and musician. He was a founder member of Aswad. Here, he takes lead vocals on Shine.

Michael Forsyth 1954 - Politician and banker. I said banker.

Anna Savva 1956 - Actress. Lugaretzia in The Durrells. Her.

Kelly Marie 1957 - Singer. She had a number one with Feels Like I’m in Love, but I’ve given you a link to that one before, so here is the less successful Hot Love, if only to give you a laugh at the garb that her two dancers have been forced to wear.

Gary Kemp 1959 - Musician. Famously, he and his brother Martin were both members of Spandau Ballet. Remember them? Of course, that was before they turned to crime as the Kray twins. A clip? You betcha. Here’s an early one, Musclebound. That is one barking video.

Cressida Dick 1960 - Evening all... One for fans of Dixon of Dock Green, there. What do you mean, who?

Steve Lamacq 1965 - DJ.

John Inglis 1966 - Fitba guy.

Davina McCall 1967 - TV presenter.

Jon Poole aka Random Jon Poole 1969 - Musician. Has been involved with Cardiacs, The Wildhearts, Ginger, Silver Ginger 5, Ginger & The Sonic Circus, The Lotus Eaters and many other acts. A clip? I’ll see what I can do. Here are Cardiacs with Bellyeye.

Kelly Adams 1979 - Actress. Nancy Webb in Mr Selfridge. Her.

Shayne Ward 1984 - Singer and actor. He won the second series of The X Factor and had a Christmas number one in 2005 with That's My Goal.

Anthony Quinlan 1984 - Actor. Pete Barton in Emmerdale. Him.

Ncuti Gatwa 1992 - Actor. Eric Effiong in Sex Education. Him.

And, this being a three-week edition, here are the 23rd of October birthdays.

Elisabeth Pepys 1640 - Sam’s missus.

Frederick W. Lanchester 1868 - Engineer. As well as designing engines for boats and planes, he also built cars. He was an advanced thinker, designing a hybrid car as early as 1927.

Douglas Jardine 1900 - Crickety bloke. Famously came up with what became known as ‘bodyline’ which was a way of bowling that was pitched short so that the ball rose up to hit a batsman’s torso or head. Basically, it was aim to maim bowling. Just not cricket, old chep.

Jack Allen 1907 - Jobbing actor. Seemed to be typecast as military types.

Eunice Black 1914 - Jobbing actress. Often played parts with no name such as Horsey Lady, Dog Lady, Lady with Umbrella or Large Lady.

Jimmy Gordon 1915 - Fitba guy.

Glyn Houston 1925 - Actor isn’t it. Duncan Thomas in Keep It in the Family. Him. 187 credits on IMDb.

Jerome Willis 1928 - Actor. Charles Radley in Within These Walls. Him.

Diana Dors 1931 - Actress. Queenie Shepherd in Queenie’s Castle. Her.

Ewan Hooper 1935 - Actor. Detective Sgt. Smith in Hunters Walk. Him.

Anna Palk 1941 - Actress. Sarah Courteney/Lady Sarah Radchester in The Main Chance. Her.

Colin Milburn 1941 - Crickety bloke.

Anita Roddick 1942 - Business woman.

Mike Harding 1944 - Musician, singer, songwriter, comedian, author, poet, broadcaster and multi-instrumentalist, photographer, traveller, filmmaker and playwright. In fact, a right old smarty boots. Do you want a clip? Here’s Uncle Joe's Mint Balls.

Maggi Hambling 1945 - Artist.

Anthony Bamford 1945 - Businessman. Chairman of JCB. You know, them big bugg... things you always get stuck behind on a busy winding road.

Miles Anderson 1947 - Actor. Lt. Col. Dan Fortune.

Pauline Black 1953 - Actress and singer. She was vocalist with The Selector. Let’s have a clip. Here’s Three Minute Hero.

Graham Rix 1957 - Footy bloke.

Uriah Rennie 1959 - Footy referee.

Beatie Edney 1962 - Actress. Prudie Paynter in Poldark. Her.

Colin Cameron 1972 - Fitba guy.

Christian Dailly 1973 - Fitba guy.

Cat Deeley 1976 - TV presenter. Not a real cat.

Jimmy Bullard 1978 - Footy bloke.

Simon Davis 1979 - Pêl-droediwr.

Emilia Clarke 1986 - Actress. Daenerys Targeryen in Game of Thrones. Her.

Josh Dasilva 1998 - Footy bloke.

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mike Grambling,

It was so nice to hear one of your funny songs. I remember when you first began your career. Indeed, I used to have a copy of your very first album. Sadly, it is long gone. Like this week’s topic, the old memory isn’t what it was and I can’t even remember what the album was called. Can you help?

Yours forgetfully,

Alan Cashire-Ladd.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? From our £2.20 stake, we won... £2.16. Close, but no cigar. What happened? Read on...

Cheltenham vs Rotherham - Away win

Result - Cheltenham 0 Rotherham 2

Yay!

Doncaster vs MK Dons - Away win

Result - Doncaster 2 MK Dons 1

Boo!

Gillingham vs Wigan - Away win

Result - Gillingham 0 Wigan 2

Yay!

Hamilton vs Inverness - Away win

Result - Hamilton 2 Inverness 1

Boo!

Alloa vs Cove Rangers - Away win

Result - Alloa 1 Cove Rangers 3

Yay!

What about some predictions for this week?

Game - Result - Odds

Blackburn vs Reading - Home win - 4/5

Bournemouth vs Huddersfield - Home win - 3/5

Coventry vs Derby - Home win - 4/5

Luton vs Hull - Home win - 17/20

Peterborough vs QPR - Away win - 19/20

Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£10.64

I’d hardly call that whopping.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1938 in Glazebury, Lancashire. I joined Liverpool in 1958 and made 404 appearances in the next 11 years, scoring 244 goals. I was capped 34 times for England. I didn’t receive an official knighthood, but Liverpool fans always put ‘Sir’ before my name.

Answer - Roger Hunt

2. Dick Nanninga was the first substitute to score in a World Cup final; for whom?

Answer - Netherlands

3. Emlyn Hughes was capped 62 times; for which country?

Answer - England

4. Which 4th division club reached the first League Cup final in 1962?

Answer - Rochdale (Apologies for the phrasing of that question. Two cup finals took place that year; Aston Villa beat Rotherham in the other, which was in fact the postponed 1961 final. Clear? [As mud. - Ed.])

5. Which German player scored three hat-tricks for Bayern Munich in the UEFA Champions League?

Answer - Mario Gomez

Five for this week? Okey dokey.

1. Who am I?

2. Which club has been managed by Brian Clough and Jimmy Armfield?

3. Who scored Scotland’s only goal in the 1986 World Cup Finals in Mexico?

4. With which club did manager Bob Stokoe lift the FA Cup?

5. Which club plays at Turf Moor?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. A. Booth who appears in this week’s birthday honours. He is known for three things... He starred alongside Warren Mitchell, Una Stubbs and Dandy Nicholls in Till Death Us Do Part. He is Cherie Blair’s father. He married Pat Phoenix [Who? - Ed.] Ask your mum. Oh, and he was in that shocking comedy porn film series ‘The Confessions of...’

So, as I don’t intend to show you some 1970s style British porn film, here is a clip from Till Death Us Do Part. Although in our politically correct, woke times, the porn film is probably the less likely to cause offence.

In this clip, Antony Booth, as always, plays second fiddle to Warren Mitchell as Alf Garnett. If you are offended by racism from the 1970s, I should warn you not to click on this.

You Scahse git!

Happy grambling.

Saturday 2 October 2021

Post 424 - Grambling with smug gits

Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see.

Story time...

It has been decided by the current government that we in the Yuk should all drive electric cars. [Very good. Current government. Electric cars. Geddit? Current. Electric. Oh, please yourselves. - Ed.] Ahem... As always, the government, has got it wrong. As always, they haven't thought it through properly.

Do you recall that about 20 years ago we were all being encouraged to buy diesel-engined cars? No? Well, we were. Ask your dad.

Apparently, diesel-fueled cars were much friendlier to the environment than petrol-fueled ones. And so, the powers that be offered us car buyers all sorts of financial incentives to ditch our poisonous polluting petrol-powered Peugeots for delightful diesel-driven... erm... [What's wrong? - Ed.] I can't think of a car maker beginning with D to keep the alliteration going. [Dacia? - Ed.] Don't be ridiculous.

Any road up, we all bought into the hype that diesel was good, petrol was baaaad and diesel-engined cars were foisted on us. Granted, they were more economical than petrol-driven cars and, when fitted with a turbocharger, they were pretty nippy too. Unfortunately, a company based in Wolfsburg queered the pitch by claiming that their diesel-powered vehicles were ultra clean and released nothing but the sweet smell of lavender. Okay, I made that bit up, but they were very naughty and said that their cars released very little by way of harmful emissions, whereas the truth was that they released up to ten times the claimed figure.

This contributed to the government changing its collective mind regarding diesel engines. Suddenly, diesels were every bit as baaad as petrol.

Hmm... now what could our esteemed politicians force everyone to drive?

Enter Elon Musk and his amazing electric car, the Tesla. Aha, say the politicians, let's make everyone drive electrically powered cars. They're good for the environment because they don't emit any smelly gas. Perfect. Huzzah! (as Bozza might say).

There is a problem. Actually, there are lots of problems. Just the building of the cars uses far more material and energy than that needed to build a petrol-engined car. Battery production alone uses up tremendous amounts of precious elements such as lithium, the mining of which causes permanent damage to natural landscapes.

Then there is the infrastructure required to run electric cars. At the moment, because there aren't many on the road, compared to cars with engines, charging isn't a problem; there are probably more charging points than there are cars to use them. What happens when electric vehicles outnumber those with engines? There are often queues of cars at petrol stations (and that was the norm even before the current situation of people panic buying). Filling a tank with fuel takes all of two minutes. What will the queues be like when charging a vehicle takes about ten times as long?

Ah, you say, you could charge an electric car at home. Not a problem if you live in a house with its own driveway. What if you can only park your car on a public road and then not necessarily near your house? You couldn't have a cable running a hundred yards down the street just because you want to charge your car batteries at home. Can you imagine the tangle of cables if everyone on the street decided to charge their vehicle at the same time? And what if you live in a high rise block of flats?

The great thing about cars, in general, is that they enable people to be mobile. In the early days of motoring, owning a car was the preserve of the rich, but Henry Ford produced the first affordable car in the Model T and that gave everyone the chance to buy a car and travel. I would suggest that electric cars are very much taking us back to those days when only rich people could afford to own a car. Not got your own driveway? Tough... get the bus.

Why the motoring moan? Well, right now, as already mentioned, we are in the middle of a fuel shortage... Actually, there was never a problem with the amount of fuel available, the problem was caused by Joe public panic-buying petrol. Those that might ordinarily buy just a few pounds worth, were now filling the fuel tank to the brim. Unfortunately, a news bulletin happened to mention that there was a shortage of fuel tanker drivers, not, it should be noted, a shortage of fuel. However, the listeners heard the words ‘fuel’ and ‘shortage’ and immediately set about draining the petrol stations of every drop they had.

There was no need to worry and, in a couple of weeks or so, there will no longer be a shortage. How's that, I hear you ask. Well, those that don't normally fill their tanks up will probably still have a full tank of petrol so there will be no need for them to visit a petrol station for weeks, maybe months. You can’t actually use more petrol than you need, so stocks should soon be replenished... Does that make sense? [No. - Ed.]

Those folk that currently drive electric cars are probably gloating right now at these silly folk struggling to find a petrol station that is open and telling anyone who will listen that they never have a problem getting fuel. Oh very funny.

Well, you will have in the future, matey, when the world and his brother want to drive electric cars.

Also in the news this week is a statement from BMW that they will no longer be attempting to give their electric cars greater range. Instead, they will limit all their vehicles to a range of 385 miles. The thinking is that no one would drive that far in a single journey so would be happy to stop at a charging point to top the battery up while taking a comfort break. Aye. Sure.

Think about it Mr BMW; say you are driving on a cold, wet night [You are driving on a cold, wet night. Now what? - Ed.] Ahem... the heating will be on, the lights will be on. Perhaps the infotainment (God, I hate that for a portmanteau word.) will be blasting out 2-4-6-8 Motorway or whatever it is electric-car-driving smuggies listen to. [Tom Robinson? Is that what you think they listen to? - Ed.] How many miles do you think you'll get from that charge now? 385 miles? I should cocoa. More like 200. Less than three hours on the motorway... Well, two hours... this is a BMW driver we're talking about, remember. Every two hours or so you will be panicking about whether you will reach a charging point before your car conks out. Not so smug now, eh?

Until manufacturers can assure me that I could drive from Land's End to John o' Groats on a single charge, you can keep your electric cars.

Following on from that... Well, it still concerns motoring matters; just. I was sitting in my parked car the other day with the window open and I overheard a conversation that I must to share with you. [Must you? - Ed.] Yes, I must...

There was a guy standing outside a nearby building having a fly smoke. An unfortunate looking guy hobbled by. He had a brace around his neck and was walking with the aid of two crutches. Smoking guy addressed him with the time-honoured greeting, 'Awright?'

He may have regretted it and I repeat the response from the unfortunate crutch user word for word (with a few asterisks)...

'Diz it f***ing look as if I'm f***ing aw right?! Naw, I'm no' aw f***ing right! I was f***ing sitting in my f***ing motor when this f***er in a f***ing big f***ing van f***ing f***ed into the f***ing back of me. And do you f***ing know what he f***ing well did? He f***ing f***ed aff. C***!'

It's just a hunch, but I'm guessing he wasn't too happy.

I drive an electric car, yah.

.....oooOooo.....

Birthday honours...

Let’s move on to the birthday honours, shall we?

Were any famous or notorious individuals born on the 25th of September? Of course there were. Here are some that even I know.

Henry Pelham 1694 - The well-known Prime Minister.

Francesco Bartelozzi 1725 - The well-known painty bloke.

Robert Clive aka Clive of India 1725 - One of those credited with laying the foundations of British rule in India. [Credited with? Blamed for, surely. - Ed.]

Fletcher Christian 1764 - Sailor. Looked nothing like Clark Gable, or Marlon Brando, or Mel Gibson.

Raymond Glendenning 1907 - Sports commentator.

Michael Brennan 1912 - Jobbing actor, specialising in tough-guy roles. RSM William Bright in The Regiment. Him. 180 credits on IMDb.

Eric Rogers 1921 - Composer. Have you ever seen a Carry On film? Then, you’ll have heard his music; he composed the music for 22 Carry On films.

Colin Davis 1927 - Conductor.

Ronnie Barker 1929 - Actor and writer.*

Peter Woodthorpe 1931 - Actor. Played Quasimodo in the 1966 TV series The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Apologies to those who worship at the temple of Woke.

Brian Murphy 1932 - Actor. George Roper in Man About the House and George and Mildred.

Ron Hill 1938 - Athleticky bloke.

Leon Brittan 1939 - Politician.

Felicity Kendal 1946 - Actress. Barbara Good in The Good Life. Her.

Steven Severin 1955 - Musician. Co-founding member of Siouxsie and the Banshees. Left in 1996 to go solo. A clip? Here’s Fiona's Shrine.

Ian Reddington 1957 - Actor. Vernon Tomlin in Coronation Street. Him.

Jason Flemyng 1966 - Actor. Sir George Yeardley in Jamestown. Him.

Katherine Zeta-Jones 1969 - Actress. Mariette in The Darling Buds of May. And she was perfick. Sorry, woke folk.

Sasha Behar 1971 - Actress. Maya Sharma in Coronation Street. Her.

Jessie Wallace 1971 - Actress. Kat Slater in Eastenders. Her.

Declan Donnelly 1975 - Not Ant.

Jodie Kidd 1978 - Model/personality.

Jason Koumas 1979 - Pêl-droediwr.

Jim Paterson 1979 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell, you know.

Sarah Jayne Dunn 1981 - Actress. Mandy in Hollyoaks. Her.

John Souttar 1996 - Fitbaa min.

Okay. Now what about those born on the 2nd of October?

Richard III 1452 - The well-known king and rhyming slang.*

Graham Greene 1904 - The well-known orfer.

Gabrielle Daye 1911 - Actress. Beattie Pearson in Coronation Street. Her.

Robert Runcie 1921 - The well-known Archbishop of Canterbury.

Alfie Conn Sr. 1926 - Fitba guy.

Jan Morris 1926 - The well-known historian.

Julia Morley 1939 - The well-known Miss World organiser.

Juliette Kaplan 1939 - Actress. Pearl in Last of the Summer Wine. Her.

Anna Ford 1943 - The well-known newsreader.

Trevor Brooking 1948 - Footy bloke.

Sandy Ratcliff 1948 - Actress. Sue Osman in Eastenders. Her.

Mike Rutherford 1950 - The well-known guitarist with Genesis and also his Mechanics. Here’s a solo toon, Working in Line.

Ian McNiece 1950 - Actor. Bert Large in Doc Martin. Him. 140 credits on IMDb and counting.

Gordon Sumner aka Sting 1951 - Musician. A toon? Why not. Here’s Sting (with a bit of help from Prokofiev) with Russians.

John Otway 1952 - Musician. Here he instructs us to Beware of the Flowers.

Willie Pettigrew 1953 - Fitba guy. Ex-Motherwell player as well.

Philip Oakey 1955 - Singer. A clip? Why not. Here’s Mirror Man.

John Pienaar 1956 - Journalist.

Daniel Peacock 1958 - Actor.

John Robertson 1964 - Fitba guy.

Victoria Derbyshire 1968 - Journalist.

Rod Wallace 1969 - Footy bloke.

Natasha Little 1969 - Actress. Rachel in This Life. Her.

Lucy Cohu 1970 - Actress. Madame Maigret in Maigret. Her.

Scott Wright 1974 - Actor. Sam Kingston in Coronation Street. Him.

Simon Gregson 1974 - Actor. Steve McDonald in Coronation Street. Him.

Matt Hancock 1978 - Politician.

Michael Ball 1979 - Footy bloke.

Will Haining 1982 - Fitba guy.

Amanda Hale 1982 - Actress. Officer Kandia in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Her.

Stephen Pearson 1982 - Fitba guy. Another ex-Motherwell player.

George Boyd 1985 - Footy bloke.

Tom Hudson 1986 - Actor. Paul Clayton in Coronation Street. Him.

Helen Monks 1992 - Actress. Susanna in Upstart Crow. Her.

Ashley Fletcher 1995 - Footy bloke.

Kevin Oghenetega Tamaraebi Bakumo-Abraham aka Tammy Abraham 1997 - Footy bloke.

Zack Morris 1998 - Actor. Keegan Butcher-Baker-Candlestick Maker in Eastenders. Him.

* See ‘And Finally’

I’ve received a letter...

Dear Mike Grambleford,

It was so nice to hear one of your solo records. We know you had a few hits with your band Mike and the Mechanoids and some with your other band Genitals. Can you tell us please what your last top ten hit was?

Lots of love,

Ian Visa, Bill Tutch.

.....oooOooo.....

Gramble time...

How did The Grambler’s predictions fare last time? Aye. Well. Let’s just call it a blip. What happened? Read on...

Huddersfield vs Nottingham Forest - Home win

Result - Huddersfield 0 Nottingham Forest 2

Boo!

Brennan ‘Brojo’ Johnson sprinted away down the wing from his own half before crossing into the goalmouth for Lewis ‘Jack’ Grabban to put the Reds in front with a diving header.

And the visitors doubled the lead after the break when Town goalkeeper Lee ‘Sue’ Nicholls saved smartly from Ryan ‘Reggie’ Yates only to deflect Joe ‘Ice’ Lolley's follow-up into his own net.

Middlesbrough vs Blackpool - Home win

Result - Middlesbrough 1 Blackpool 2

Twice Boo!

Marcus ‘Antonius’ Tavernier put Boro into the lead early on from close range before he teed up Andraz ‘Seed’ Sporar, who hit the bar.

Blackpool also struck the woodwork after the break through Shayne ‘Ward’ Lavery before Marvin ‘The Martian’ Ekpiteta rifled them level.

Grant ‘Fook’ Hall then turned a corner into his own net with 12 minutes to go and, although Martin ‘Dino’ Payero cracked the underside of the bar for Boro, the Tangerines hung on to take all three points.

Peterborough vs Birmingham - Away win

Result - Peterborough 3 Birmingham 0

Boo, Boo and thrice Boo!

Harlee ‘Pearlan’ Dean's first-minute own-goal gave Posh the perfect start and they never surrendered the momentum.

Jonson ‘Teddy’ Clarke-Harris increased their lead before half-time from the penalty spot after Jorge ‘Cy’ Grant was fouled.

Grant added a third after the break as Posh closed out the win against Blues who had Gary ‘Ava’ Gardner sent off.

Preston vs West Brom - Away win

Result - Preston 1 West Brom 1

Ooh! ’It the bar!

Preston’s Emil ‘Leighton’ Riis set up midfielder Ben ‘Paul’ Whiteman - and his right-foot shot from outside the box found the bottom right corner.

But Matt ‘Wilson’ Phillips levelled two minutes into first-half injury time with a header into the bottom left corner.

QPR vs Bristol City - Home win

Result - QPR 1 Bristol City 2

Wrong! Five out of five wrong! Utter mince!

Chris ‘Yellow’ Martin's calm finish put the visitors in front just before half-time, before Rangers' Sam ‘The Sham’ McCallum rifled in to level after the restart.

An injury-time Nahki ‘Nicky Noo’ Wells goal gave Bristol City the win.

Dearie dearie me. That was shocking. Come on Grambler, pull your computing equivalent of socks up.

Let’s see what he/she/it has randomly selected for this week.

Game - Result - Odds

Cheltenham vs Rotherham - Away win - 10/11

Doncaster vs MK Dons - Away win - 17/20

Gillingham vs Wigan - Away win - 17/20

Hamilton vs Inverness - Away win - 19/20

Alloa vs Cove Rangers - Away win - 10/11

Well, the bets are placed. Five away wins. Oh dearie, dearie me. Oh well. Ten 20 pee doubles plus a single 20 pee accumulator. If the results go as predicted by The Grambler, the Bobby Moore Fund will be richer to the tune of a whopping

£11.98

Call that whopping! Five away wins. I don’t know.

.....oooOooo.....

Teaser time...

Yay! How did you get on with last time’s five questions? Here are the answers.

1. Who am I?

I was born in 1976 in Rio de Janeiro. I played as a striker and, in a career of 343 club appearances, I scored 247 goals. I was capped 98 times and scored 62 goals. I was known as ‘O Fenômeno’ which means the phenomenon. In 2020, France Football magazine included me in their ‘greatest all-time XI’.

Answer - Ronaldo Luís Nazário de Lima aka Ronaldo.

2. Which English club has played the most times in the UEFA Champions League Group Stage?

Answer - Manchester United (25 times)

3. Which South American has scored the most international goals?

Answer - Lionel Messi (79 goals)

4. Who is the only Polish outfield player to have made over 100 Premier League appearances?

Answer - Jan Bednarek

5. What Premier League record is shared by Les Ferdinand, Teddy Sheringham, Kevin Campbell and Nicolas Anelka?

Answer - They have all scored hat-tricks for three different Premier League clubs.

What about five for this week?

1. Who am I?

2. Dick Nanninga was the first substitute to score in a World Cup final; for whom?

3. Emlyn Hughes was capped 62 times; for which country?

4. Which 4th division club reached the first League Cup final in 1962?

5. Which German player scored three hat-tricks for Bayern Munich in the UEFA Champions League?

There you have it; five teasers to test you. Can you answer them without resorting to Googlie or Bung (or any other search engine, for that matter)?

.....oooOooo.....

Remember the serious message...

.....oooOooo.....

Please, take a few minutes to watch an informative little video from Mersh (a great friend of Stewart’s).

Click on this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HWQXMalX4

…..oooOooo…..

And Finally...

And finally, Cyril? And finally, Esther, I am indebted to a Mr. R. Barker who was one the UK’s finest comedy actors of the nineteen sixties and seventies. He could play a cockney such as Fletcher in Porridge one minute and a Yorkshireman the next; Arkwright in Open All Hours. David Jason, himself a pretty good comedy actor, described Barker as The Guv’nor. From the early sixties he worked with Ronnie Corbett in various comedy shows and such was their obvious rapport that they eventually formed the partnership known as The Two Ronnies. It would be wrong to call them a double act as often in their shows, each would perform alone. It is one such item that I have selected as this week’s finishing link. Here is Ronnie Barker as a vicar who presents his sermon in Cockney rhyming slang.

Happy grambling.

Pages

Friday 29 October 2021

Post 426 - A grambling hallow-bee-n

Saturday 23 October 2021

Post 425 - A forgetful gramble

Saturday 2 October 2021

Post 424 - Grambling with smug gits

The Bobby Moore Fund

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