Week 30 - The Grambler looks at the Daily Pail

The Grambler is the brainchild of Stewart David Smith, who lost his wonderful life to Colorectal, or Bowel, cancer aged just 28.  He fought a horrendous battle for 2 years and 1 month, defeating septicemia, multi-organ failure, antibiotic-induced hearing loss, kidney failure and countless other complications with a bravery none of us will ever see again. 

Stewart was an amazing person -  A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an adored uncle.  He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.  We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel cancer.  If you wish to donate to the fund, you can via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 .

His wish was that The Grambler should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.  Welcome to The Grambler, the most ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

 

Time for another moan.  I know, I know.  It’s turning into The Grumbler instead of The Grambler.  This time my target of choice is that marvellous organ of fair reporting, the Maily Dail.  I was being sarcastic there, in case you think I actually like the paper.  Does anyone out there in Gramblerland read it?  No one?  Who would admit to it, anyway?  Sadly, I must confess that Mrs Grambler and I do buy it.  Only on a Saturday though; it has a rather good TV guide.  But the rest of it… Oh dear me, no.  If ever you were to walk past our house on a Saturday and heard wails of despair, you would know that, against my better judgment, I was actually reading said journal.  I say journal, but that suggests that some individual has actually written something of worth.  Most of the paper’s journalistic content seems to be some jaded hack’s vitriolic outburst about some celebrity or other.  They usually draw you in with a spiteful, lurid headline – ‘A beautiful actress who had the world at her feet – So how come she is now a booze filled drug addict who sells her body for sex?’  That sort of thing.  The fact that the person in question is someone you have never even heard of and the story has no merit whatever doesn’t seem to be a consideration.  Such is the bile and hatred for whoever is being written about, you would be forgiven for thinking that the perpetrator of the tale bore some kind of grudge.  Perhaps the actress refused to sleep with him, or wouldn’t share a joint.  Whatever, it fills a few pages and that’s all that matters.

Another way of filling space is to find some non-story online and suggest that it is news (and that the Daily Fail was the originator).  The recent picture of David Cameron looking statesmenlike while talking into a Photoshopped Fisher-Price toy telephone was used as the basis for a story.  Not only did the Maily Dail claim originality (It has actually been on B3ta for weeks and even that might not have been its first outing) it dared to suggest that it was actually funny.  How did the Fail turn this utter trivia into an article?  Simple; they took lots of photographs of people (probably staff members, I’m guessing) pretending to make phone calls on odd items – banana, spoon, shoe, etc. – oh how we laughed.

In that same edition was another ‘story’ about a British woman who had messaged on Twitter that ‘our’ president Barack Obama should keep out of Russian politics.  She didn’t realise that he is president of the good old US of A (ho ho).  She had even spelled his name wrongly (oh stop; my sides are aching).  Who’d have thought it?  Someone with a poor grasp of world politics spells something wrong on-line.  Whatever next?  The ‘story’ had a picture of the woman in question.  Turns out that she is rather attractive and in the picture chosen for inclusion she was wearing a skimpy dress.  Why!  Anyone would think that this item was only included to show off this pretty young lady.  No.  I am sure a newspaper of the Daily Pail’s standing wouldn’t stoop so low.  Would they?  Of course they would.  I can’t remember the headline they gave the item but it might just as well have said ‘Look at this women.  Isn’t she stupid?  But hasn’t she got a fine pair of…’ Insert preference here eg. legs, eyes, etc.

Front page headlines generally have something along the lines of blaming asylum seekers for all of Britain’s woes – taking ‘our’ jobs, being given ‘our’ council houses – that sort of thing.

The paper also does a fine job of misreporting any slight achievement in medical science as being a new wonder treatment that can cure previously incurable diseases.  And if a drug isn’t freely available yet (they never remember to point out that it might be to do with ongoing trials) the Fail claims that the reason is down to NHS cuts or governments/drugs companies blocking its use for selfish financial gain.

So about a quarter of the rag is composed of this sort of tripe.  What about the other three-quarters?  Well, at least half of the paper is given over to holiday advertisements; mainly for cruises.  Obviously, the Pail has gauged its readership and realises that most BNP/UKIP voting Brits enjoy a good cruise.

The remainder of the paper covers sport.  I say covers, basically it tells you fixtures and results for football and horse-racing.  You only get a mention of tennis when Wimbledon is taking place and you get golf during the Open.  That doesn’t take up much space, surely, I hear you say.  Don’t call me Shirley.  Ah no, but the journos have the answer.  They ‘interview’ footballers.  No really, they interview players.  I would certainly never imply that they trawl through match programmes looking for ideas.  Never!  Any road up, footballers seem to have little to say other than saying the team is playing well/badly (yeah, the lads are playing good/bad) and praising the manager (yeah, he’s a good gaffer).  No matter; the Daily Fail hack can turn a few mumbled words into a two-page spread.

You will have gathered by now that I don’t reckon much to the Maily Dail and its journalistic methods.  However, the paper does have a number of useful purposes.  Apart, that is, from making sane people sympathetic towards immigrants.  It is useful as floor covering when you’ve got muddy shoes.  It makes very good kindling for fires.  It can be used to wrap fish suppers.  Best of all though; it is the perfect substitute should you ever run out of bog paper. 

Hey, it’s full of s*** anyway, so a bit more won’t make any difference.

Okay.  Grumble over.  Any birthdays of note this week.  Reg Dwight, no less.  The piano playing singer/songwriter who has a full head of hair (It may have been someone else’s originally, but it’s his now) turned 67 this week.  Give us a toon Reg…

Don't you know I'm still grambling better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, grambling like a little kid
I'm still grambling after all this time
Grambling up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still grambling yeah yeah yeah
I'm still grambling yeah yeah yeah

Fred White?  Who the blibbing flip is Fred White when he’s at home.  Sounded more like that Elton bloke to me.  Ben Elton. Him.  It was him that did that one about an candle with the wind.  You know it.  It was meant to be about that Marilyn Manson but when Diana Dors died he changed it for her funeral.  Couldn’t work it out, me.  When it was meant to be about the Marilyn one, he sings ‘Goodbye Norman Vaughn, or something’, then when it’s susposed to be about Diana he’s singing about someone called Rose.  Who the blibbing heck is Rose?  She’s from England, apparently.  That hardly explains things does it?  The man is an fool…. 

He’s not the only one…Shall we get on with some grambling?

Hey, guess what.  The Grambler won some dosh this week.  Really.  Actually in profit.  We won…. Fanfare please…

46p

Erm…not much is it.  Still, it is the best result for a long time.

Houston, we have a problem.  Time.  Or lack of same.  As I write this, the clock tells me [Wow! A talking clock. – Ed.] that it is 9.30pm on Friday 28^th of March.  Firstly, can I apologise for being so close to the deadline?  Secondly, can I apologise for the brevity of the following match reports.  I promise a better service next week.

Game 1 – Everton vs Swansea – Prediction Home win Yay

Everton 3 Swansea 2

Game 2 – Manchester City vs Fulham – Prediction Home win Twice Yay

Man City 5 Fulham 0

Game 3 – Charlton vs Burnley – Prediction Away win Thrice Yay

Charlton 0 Burnley 3

Game 4 – Leeds vs Millwall – Prediction Home win Erm…Quadrice(?) Yay

Leeds 2 Millwall 1

Game 5 – Alloa vs Falkirk – Prediction Away win – Bugger!

Alloa 3 Falkirk 0

So that’s it.  Falkirk fmucked it up.  Our first chance of getting all five right and flipping Falkirk… I mean 3^rd top vs 3^rd bottom, you don’t expect the lower placed club to win by 3 clear goals.  I was convinced The Grambler had this one right.  GRRRR.

Let’s get started on this week’s predictions.  From 58 games taking place this Saturday the 29^th of March at 3pm, The Grambler has come up with 5 randomly selected predictions…

Game – Result – Odds

Leeds United vs Doncaster – Home win –  1/1

Burnley vs Leicester – Away win – 8/5

Rotherham vs Bristol City – Home win – 3/4

Preston North End vs Crawley – Home win – 3/4

Southend vs Torquay United – Home win – 19/20

That’s it.  No patter.  Just the games and the predictions.  Looking at those odds, I reckon The Grambler has gone for a pretty safe selection.  Unfortunately for us trying to raise some funds to help find a cure for bowel cancer, if this lot were to go our way, the Bobby Moore Fund would not receive a great deal.  In fact, the total which would head for the fund would be a pretty miserable…

£14.24

Not very good is it?  But is it likely to come off?  Last week was an equally cautious selection and it didn’t, so why should this week’s be any different?  We will find out at 5pm…ish on Saturday.

Sorry about the limited attention to the actual football in a blog that is supposed to be football related.  Tell you what.  How about some trivia to finish off?

The smallest crowd for a competitive game in the UK was at a Scottish League Cup tie between Clydebank and East Stirling on 31^st July 1999.  How many were in attendance?  Just 29.  No wonder Clydebank went belly-up.

You know my views on football discipline, but poor player discipline is nothing new.  Blackburn Rovers’ goalkeeper Tim Flowers was sent off in a game against Leeds United in February 1995.  Nothing unusual there.  No?  He was sent off after 27 seconds!

Here’s a question for you.  What record did Chelsea set on 15^th October 1998?  Answer next week.

And finally, Cyril?  And finally Esther, here is a sign I spotted recently…

 

Talk about stating the obvious!

Thank you and goodnight.